You are on page 1of 91

To my children:

No Knowledge, No Happiness
Alex Aposteanu

How to Live a Happy Married Life

1. Respect each other's views at all times. So say often something like
• "I agree." or
• "That's right!"
Give particular attention to what the spouse wants, believes and likes and say:
• "I'm sorry that I disappointed you." and
• "I'll try to make up for that." if you ''may'' have given rise to a
disagreement.

2. Listen to each other properly.


• Show consideration to your spouse, with high regard to not disagreeing
unnecessarily.

3. Give priority to your spouse over everything else in your life.


• Show your esteem for your spouse by giving preference over the needs and
wishes of others when possible.

4. Sincerely say, "I love you" at least once a day to each other.

5. Start your day with a warm kiss.

6. Take time out and spend a few moments together--just the two of you
alone. Maybe you and your spouse can go out for a walk or a drive to get
away from others.

7. Talk graciously to each other about your thoughts--especially things for the
two of you to agree upon or do together. Doing this daily helps foster
communication between partners.
• Talk and thus be open hearted; this can create a bridge of thoughts and
understanding.
• Never say things in anger intentionally meaning to hurt your partner.
• Verbal hurts are hard to erase and can cause lasting damage to your
relationship.
• When arguing keep to the subject and try not to personally attack your
partner

1
8. '''Cook for each other''', and show that you appreciate the thoughtfulness and
the food; even if you could do better, or maybe you will end up doing it all.

9. Remember that ideally and spiritually both of you are like one soul and
two bodies, so don't ever hurt each other or you hurt yourself as well.

10. Don't forget to do the little things that make each of you smile and feel
loved.

11. Be patient with each other as much as possible.

12. Don’t break martial confidences or use them as a weapon during an


argument

13. If you sense that something is wrong with your partner take time to
embrace them and ask what's the matter, may be that's the time they need
your attention the most. Don't ignore that opportunity.

14. Make sure your partner knows how much you appreciate the little every
day things they do, like doing the washing up or making the bed.

15. Surprise each other with little gifts or tokens of appreciation. This will
make the moment even more special. Gifts need not be extravagant or
painfully expensive.
It is always the thought that counts. A little something to create warmth and
sweet memories.

2
BASIC FACTORS FOR HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

1. TRUST
2. BUILDING AND MAINTAINING CONFIDENCE OF SECURITY OF EMOTIONAL,
SENTIMENTAL AND SPIRITUAL NEEDS WITH CARE AND RESPECT.
3. UNDERSTANDING.
4. ADJUSTMENTS.
5. SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.
6. FULFILLING ONE’S SPECIFIC ACCEPTED ROLES SINCERELY.
7. HELPING FOR SELF-CONFIDENCE AND PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT.
8. BRINGING-UP THE CHILDREN WITH MORAL, HEALTH, EDUCATIONAL,
INTELLECTUAL AND SOCIO-CULTURAL VALUES.
9. COMMITMENT TO: FREE COMMUNICATION, FRANK DISCUSSION, MUTUAL
CONSULTATION, TOGETHERNESS, PRIVACY, MUTUALITY, SEXUAL
EQALITY, COMPATABILITY, COMPROMISE, ADJUSTABILITY, HONESTY,
ADAPTABILITY, SYMPATHY, EMPATHY, SATISFACTION, SATIATION,
HAPPINESS, JOYFUL COMPANIONSHIP, RESPECT, SHARING, INTIMACY,
CO-OPERATION, CO-ORDINATION, COMPASSION, AND FAIR-LOOKING
PRESENTATION OF SELF.
10.ENSURING THE FOLLOWING NOT TO POKE THEIR NOSE WITHIN MARRIAGE:
EGOISM, SELFISHNESS, SELF-RESPECT, RIGIDITY, HURTING THE
FEELINGS, ARGUMENTS, NEGLET, HELPLESSNESS, HUMILIATION,
CRITICISM, CONTRADICTS (CONVINCING IS BETTER THAN
CONTRADICTING), OFFENSIVENESS, PROVOKING ACCUSATIONS.

TWENTY IMPORTANT POINTS ON PSYCHOLOGICAL


COMPLEMENTARIES IN MARRIAGE
1. In marriage, for man, woman is a need, and for woman, man is security.
2. A man is attracted to a woman when the woman makes him to feel masculine;
similarly a woman is attracted to a man when the man’s presence makes her
feel feminine.
3. Attraction for utilisation is the motto of womanhood, and impress to achieve is
the goal of manhood.
4. Man expects physiological and psychological care with personal attention from
his woman, whereas woman expects emotional and psychological care from her
man to possess him for protection and security.
5. Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed, and women are
motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
6. For man, first physiological needs are to be satisfied in sex, then only he turns
to emotional needs; whereas for women, first her emotional needs are to be
satisfied, then only she can turn to her physiological needs: that means man
feels his own feminine after his male’s is satiated, similarly woman feels her own
masculine after her female’s is satiated.

3
7. In any inter-personal interaction, other than verbal, in marriage, he is active but
she is receptive; she being fulfilled, he is fulfilling.
8. Even in the interpersonal relationship in marriage, man’s priority is to achieve
his goal, whereas woman’s priority is the importance of their relationship.
9. The six different kinds of emotional support for love in marriage are: -
• She needs caring, he needs trust.
• She needs understanding, he needs acceptance.
• She needs respect, he needs appreciation.
• She needs devotion, he needs admiration.
• She needs validation, he needs approval.
• She needs reassurance, he needs encouragement.
10. In any inter-verbal interaction between couple, if wife is overwhelmed husband
tries to advice with solutions, or mistakenly tries to defend himself; so also in
the pensive mood of husband the wife tries to improve him.
11. Woman’s communication is for sharing, but man’s is for solving.
12. Woman’s thinking is expanding but man’s is purpose-oriented, similarly their
talking also prevails.
13. A woman’s attitude is empathetic, whereas a man’s is self-oriented.
14. (a) In a relationship, woman expands to serve the needs of others, whereas
man contracts to build focusing and self-absorption. Man has focused
awareness and feminine has open-awareness.
(b) In an irk-some position, because of open-awareness, women tend to blame
themselves first and due to focused awareness men to blame others first.
15. In stress and tension: -
• Man needs solutions for which man goes to his cave and woman
likes to share in a non-focused way.
• Men increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become
increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. He feels better
by solving the problems and she feels better by talking about the
problems.
• A man needs time and space to find objective solutions, so he
becomes increasingly focused and withdrawn; whereas a woman
needs time and attention to find her subjective solution, hence she
becomes increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.
16. When a man is upset, he wants to be alone; whereas, if a woman is upset, she
needs companionship and love.
17. In a serious situation, man thinks and processes lonely, tests his outcomes
outside, reassesses them on account of reactions and arrives at the solution;
whereas woman thinks and processes loudly to tap her intuition.
18. In marriage, man wants the right to be free and expects to be allowed for his
own privacy; whereas woman wants the right to be upset and expects to be
understood.
19. Woman involves others for her decision-making, but man only consults in his
decision-making.

4
20. Men like rubber-bands suddenly pulls away, distances himself and comes back
on his own; whereas, a woman’s self-esteem, like waves, rises and falls, and it
hits bottom for emotional house-cleaning.

TEN REASONS FOR PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

1. Dissatisfaction, in satiation, irritation and hurt, and establishing of such


negative attributes in marital relationship.
2. Improper communication, misunderstanding and allowing the accumulation,
or suppression, of resentments.
3. Disrespect for the other’s individuality, disregard for the other’s values and
too much possessiveness.
4. One’s hurting-egoism, selfishness over common-interest, and domination
over the other’s individuality.
5. Ignorance of difference in natural attitudes and approaches between the two
genders.
6. Ignorance, or not caring, of the other’s primary needs of love.
7. Incompatible, or uncompromised, differences in perceptions, preferences and
approaches, and widely differing value systems.
8. Nurturing the other in his own way; serving the other in his own point of view
of the other; and expecting the other in his own point of view and values.
9. The unwarranted intervention, or disregard, during the other’s natural
psychological reactions, unique to the gender.
10. Lack of expected role-play; and the difference between the expectations on
account of one’s personal values and the reality.

TEN REASONS FOR CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE


1. Attack on identity.
2. Lack of satisfaction, or satiation.
3. Misunderstanding and communication gap.
4. Vicious Circle: - Disagreement, or misunderstanding, leads to feeling
attacked and finally this leads to counter-attack.
5. Lack of understanding and support during one’s emotions: rubbing the
spouse with negative attitude during the mood.
6. Non-performance of duties and non-fulfillment of responsibilities: instead
of accepting mistake defending the mistake.
7. Different perceptions on priorities and lack of handling the issue jointly.
8. Lack of uncritical humor, fun and frolic in their privacy.
9. Arguments: - Arguments usually occur on account of (1) vague
statements; (2) Request in a negative way; (3) not listening or not trying
to understand; (4) giving importance to ego than mutuality, or common
interest.
10. Adhering to instigating attitudes.

5
TEN REASONS FOR CRISIS IN MARRIAGE

1. Tension on account of lack of trust, or faith.


2. Misunderstanding the meaning in communication of the partner due to
ignorance of the natural difference in the other gender’s communicational
approach.
3. Stress, rigidity and suspicion.
4. Wife doesn’t like her man to be: - untrusting, condemning, uncaring, too
much dependent on her, irresponsible, insensitive, impulsive, unkind,
thoughtless, unloving, too offending, critical, and rejecting.
5. Husband doesn’t like his woman to be: - lazy around the house,
unattractive, sexually cold, emotionally serious, noisy, sneaky, overtly
critical, quarrelsome, bad mother, inflexible, too independent and bold,
disrespected nagging, negative to his relatives, too dominating and too
emotional.
6. Clash between their personal values.
7. Lack of adjustment, flexibility, and adaptability in the interest of marriage,
or family.
8. Expectation of (one sided parental) affection instead of (mutual) love in
marriage.
9. Non-adhering to socio-marital values.
10. Criticizing coercing, coaxing, evaluating, masking, blaming, and accusing
are the psychological axe, which hurt the feelings.

Marriage as a concept

The people entangle into wedlock with a lot of expectations but the
questions are: where from the people derive these expectations and whether
these expectations are fulfilled and, if not, what will be the problems, if so,
how are the problems peep-in, what are the consequences if the problems are
not tackled and what are the solutions for such problems? More than anything
else what are the terms and factors for a happy married life? After all the whole
aim in anybody’s life is to have happiness throughout one’s life. To have this
happiness, the materialistic security, security of care and health are the
primary factors and to avail these factors throw out all the stages of life, a
system in the interest of all its members is evolved by every society, and this
system is called marriage.
In the beginning, man couldn’t stand alone against animals and therefore
he started living in a group; slowly such groups became sects. Even now,
togetherness has become the basic concept of his way of living thereby
emerged the concept of family society, culture and religions. We can observe,
off the record, that the religion, instead of guiding the people in implementing
the principles of philosophy, slowly started misusing the concept of social
environments to their selfish advantage; this point is to be properly understood
on account of the unwarranted influence of religion into the married life,
especially in the conjugal side of it, of innocents and ignorant.

6
Coming back, to out subject, in fact, we have to understand that the
society for its survival has created the concept of family, which is the base of
society, and, in turn, the family is consequence of marriage. Even though the
materialistic and physical powers have generally corrupted a man to feel as if
independent but whereas, in fact, he is dependent for emotional and
sentimental support and care.
In the case of woman, she is totally dependent, in many cases
materialistically and, in most cases, for protection and care against the
exploitation for sex, for the consequences of her sexual interactions and for her
children; thus to balance the dependency of human being, the concept of care
is utilized and the two sides of the coin, viz. Care, are affection and love which
are the basic necessities for family and marriage. In fact, selfishness care with
understanding for mutual satisfaction, satiation and happiness is the golden
principle of marriage.
In everybody's life, the very important factors to be taken care are:
character, security and health, of which security can be sub-divided into two
categories: one is security of materialistic necessities, needs and comforts and
second is love, whereas here love means caring and satisfying the other, in
other words, caring to keep the other happy. Good character, conduct, and
morality help every individual, society and humanity, in general, to have
happiness and peace; as such building-up good character is given the most
importance and prominence in social-values throw out the ages. It is obvious
that everybody strives hard to have the security of materialistic needs for
present and future for oneself and one’s family. But security of materialistic
needs alone can not give the happiness and peace; basically one should
maintain good health to enjoy the materialistic needs and comforts and
moreover one requires somebody to take care of his health either in the
ordinary course or at least at the time of necessity.
Apart from the materialistic needs and health, the most important third
requirement, or expectation, in one’s life is himself being taken care of and be
kept happy by satisfying his both physiological and psychological needs; this
particular type of care has got two sides: first being affection and the second
being love. Here affection means caring and satisfying the necessary needs of
the individual who is related to self and with whom self will not deal sexually,
and the second being marital love where care is taken care of on mutual basis
including satisfying the sexual needs. The above-mentioned points indicate
clearly that good character and health and security of materialistic needs and
proper care are must in everybody’s life throw out. Therefore, a necessity has
arisen to evolve a system whereby the above-mentioned basic concepts of life
should automatically be taken care of by a system in everybody’s life that
too throw out life.
Now coming back to marriage, marriage is means for security and
responsibility; security here means the guarantee of love, or care, and
materialistic needs for present and future, wherein the love is caring and
satisfying each other’s needs including sex, and responsibility here means the
responsibility being parents to bring up their children of course with good
character, and morality.
Hence, by virtue of marriage two categories of people are created:
(1) husband and wife; and
(2) parents.
Now looking into the stages of one’s life; in the early, or first, state of
one’s life, one’s character, materialistic needs, love and health are taken care
of by one’s parents, the characters created by marriage; in the later stage of

7
one’s life the above-mentioned necessities will be taken care of on mutual basis
in marriage; and in the last, or third, stage of life, these will be looked after on
mutual basis by the marriage-partner and as well be their children the
creations on account of marriage. Hence, the basic factors for one’s life viz.
Character, security and health are automatically taken care of in
everybody’s life from childhood to old age, generation after generation, without
any stoppage, or hurdle, and this system, called marriage, is working as an
ideal one without any substitute, or alternative. Moreover as the responsibility
of bringing-up children is fixed in marriage, automatic balancing the population
in accordance with the economic condition is taken care in the society on
account of the system that is marriage.
Therefore, the only ideal system which has been success throw
out centuries, and in every generation, without availability of an
other alternative, or substitute, in which everyone gets involved is marriage.
Such being the importance of marriage in everybody’s life and as well as
every society, in the pre-historic period, professor S.H.Loweie affirms that in
the lowest cultural strata, matrimonial relations are found that would be rated
only exemplary by even a mid-Victorian. This would indicate that monogamy is
a very early family characteristic.
The biological factor of sexual relationship is the foundation stone of the
family (refer ‘a history of world civilization by James Edgar SwainPh.d.). During
the stone age and hunting periods of mankind, men and women live together
as a group, without marriage, and men go for hunting with mobility and
women, with restricted mobility used to collect vegetarian foods around their
domicile, and women enjoyed equal status or more. The Neolithic revolution
brought agriculture and domestication of animals, in which society women were
responsible for agriculture, pottery, collection of vegetables and herbs for
medicine. In such societies, there is no evidence of subordination of women but
each sex continues to do its own important jobs in its own area there is no
oppression; during this period men and women respected each other, enjoyed
freedom and lived with dignity.
In India, polyandry is form of union in which a woman has more than
one husband at a time, or in which brothers share wife or wives in common.
This form of union was once practiced by the peoples of the his-himalayan tract
in northern India and among some tribes of the pre-Dravidian or Dravidian
groups in south India. Polygamy is that form of union in which a man has more
than one wife at a time. Plurality of wives obviously tends to stress and
strengthen man’s dominion over woman, more often and with greater ease
than either polyandry or monogamy; and it has wider prevalence than either of
them. In India the pattern has persisted right from the Vedic time to the
present. A Vedic passage discusses the possibility of polyandry and polygamy
in a way that show that, while the former is unnatural the latter is most natural
while polygamy was thus socially approved, the Vedic ideal of
marriage favored monogamy.
One of the numerous causes which sociologists have adduced for the rise
of the marriage institution, only two deserves consideration at this stage of our
inquisition. First, it has to be remembered that a review of the history of
civilization shows that as men rose a level or two higher than their original
barbarity, they ceased to lead each his own solitary life and began to live in
groups. At the stage men gradually realized how marriage in a very great
measure secured the internal unity of a group and it was precisely
this realization, which made for the adoption of the marriage custom. Now we
will see a rough idea of the different forms which marriage assumed one after
another as a result of the changing conditions of advancing civilization.

8
It was a common practice in those times for a mighty group to invade
smaller and weaker groups vanquish them and capture as many men as
possible and carry them as slaves. With men came women too whom did the
victors take unto wives. Marriage was thus based on this idea of women’s
servitude, and this form of marriage prevailed during the whole period of
struggle and strife. But times slowly changed, the sword gradually ceased to
the sole arbiter, smaller wandering groups evolved into big and stable
societies, peace came to be loved, and law and order began to have a hold on
people.
This change brought a corresponding change in men’s outlook on things
and fellow beings, and women were no longer regarded as serfs. With this
advent of a more generous attitude towards the weaker sex woman obtained
the right of choosing her lover, and this gave rise to new forms of marriage
like swamyamvara, gandhrva vivaha and love marriage. (we have here to
request the reader to note that our observation applies more particular to the
history of marriage in Hindu society, and the three forms of marriage
mentioned above are discussed in the standard religious books of the Hindus).
The next important stage in the history of the marriage custom was
marked when marriage came to be swayed by religion and began to be
regarded more as a religious than a social duty. Religion gradually assumed
such an unquestioned authority that it took upon itself the right of defining the
duties and obligations of the husband and the wife and laid various functions
on the wedded couple; and at last its word was law as to the rituals, which
alone rendered marriage valid. Mr.V.Vaidya’s (anaccomplished deccani
scholar) idea is that if we take the list of eight varieties of marriage described
in the shrutis, viz.
Brahma, daiva, arsha, prajapaatya, gandhrva, asura, rakshsa andpaishacha
and read it from the end backward we really shall have gone over the
chronological order of the different phases through which the institution of
marriage passed in India. Paishach kind of marriage is nothing but anarchy in
sexual matters, the rakshasa marriage consists in carrying off the bride by
force and based on the conception of woman’s slavery, in theasura marriage
the bride is purchase, and in the gandharva form the lovers choose each other
and enter into wedlock. The remaining four kinds are an indication of the times
when religion predominated and determined the whole process of marriage. In
short these eight kinds are a record in brief of the various forms, which
marriage took at different stages of civilization. (Refer sex problem in India’
by N.S.Phadke Mental and moral philosophy, Kolhapur).
The aims of Hindu marriage are said to be dharma, praja and rati.
Though sex is one of the functions of marriage, it is given third place,
indicating thereby that it is the least desirable aim of marriage. To stress the
lower role of sex in marriage, the marriage of Sudra is said to be for pleasure
only. Hindu marriage is considered sacred rites accompanied by the sacred
formulae. Similarly marriage is said to be essential for woman because that is
only sacrament that can be performed for her. As marriage is said to be sacred
it is irrevocable. The parties to the marriage cannot dissolve it at will. They are
bound to each other until the death of either of them; and the wife is supposed
to be bound to her husband even after his death. This concept of marriage,
that it is indissoluble, is a lofty one because it means that the husband and wife
after marriage have to adjust their tastes and temper, their ideals and
interests, instead of breaking with each other when they find that these differ.
It thus involves sacrifices on the part of both husband and wife as each is
called upon to overcome the incompatibility of the other.

9
Hindu marriage, thus viewed, is not an ordinary affair wherein the
weakness of flesh plays a dominant part. On the contrary, demands of personal
gratification and pleasures are subordinated, and the individual is called upon
to make marriage a success by means of compromises and adjustments.
In Hindu marriage, despite the fact that marriage was considered to be
irrevocable, the two partners were not regarded as being equals in their
obligations and privileges. The ideal of ‘pativruta’, i.e. being devoted to the
husband alone, popularized by the puranic writers, not merely implied fidelity
to the husband but make service to the husband the only duty of the wife and
her main purpose of life. A wife’s only concern in life was to see that all
services needed by her husband were properly performed by her, the
satisfaction of her husband being her sole of joy in life. On the death of the
husband, the wife had either to live chastely, renouncing all the joys of life, to
follow her husband by immolating herself with his body on the pyre. However,
nowadays the modern woman is no longer prepared to accept a social code,
which recognizes the dominance of the male as binder on her.
Conventional morality is receding into the background and emotional
integrity has become the ideal of marriage. Further, the democratic ideal to
which Indians are now committed by their constitution and which has been
defined as political, social, religious equality, lends force to economic processes
and the findings of psychological investigations. Social coercion and legal
sanctions become less necessary when society accepts the principle that the
sex life of responsible adults is their own concern. This principle provides for
the satisfaction of the emotional requirements of the partners in marriage, a
factor of which our social ideology has, in the past, taken no account. There is
nothing sinister or dangerous in the concept of freedom in marriage. According
to Ellis, who is quoted by Mahatma Gandhi, freedom cannot destroy but
confirms marriage’s stability and purifies its practice. In short, marriage
continues to be sacrament; only it is raised to an ethical plane. We rather go
back to Vedic ideal embodied in the saptapadi formula, take thee to be my
companion in life’.
In Islam, marriage is said to be contract signed by two parties, one for
each side. The consideration of the contract is mahr, gift to the bride, the
amount of which, not being fixed by law, varies from one dinar upwards.
According to the hajicode, the wale may give in marriage a girl, who is a virgin
and also a minor, after informing her that a suitor had presented himself. Her
silence gives consent, but even if she says that she does not consent the
marriage is lawful. If she is given understaffed law the marriage of a virgin,
even if she has attained majority, is impossible without the consent of the
wale. If she is given in marriage by her guardian she is now entitled to
dissolution of the marriage if it took place before she attained the age of fifteen
and she repudiated it, provided that it was not consummated, before she
attained the age of eighteen. In fact, Islam has improved the status of woman
by restricting polygamy to four wives, by condemning female infanticide, by
assigning a share of inheritance to women, by declaring mahr as a gift to the
bride and reorienting the Arab law of marriage and divorce in favor of woman.
It does not however contemplate equality between man and woman. In this
line, Amar Ali observes: ’the prophet’s counsel regarding the privacy of women
served undoubtedly to stem the tide of immorality and to prevent the diffusion
among his followers of the custom of disguised polyandry’. It may conceded
that the prophet saw the propriety of proper adornment for women for decency
and guarding against insult in an age when the Arab'’ love for wine and women
was known to be great. (the last three paragraphs are from '‘marriage and
family in India'’ by K.M.Kapadia)

10
The main purpose of wedding ceremonies is to manifest social approval,
and to obtain divine blessing, and they symbolize various aspects of marriage;
the Christian doctrine asserted that marriage was a sacrament ordained by god
and could in nowise be looked upon as a special class of contract, asserting
consent of the parties on the essential basis of a valid marriage. (Refer
chamber’s encyclopedia vol9-p.109).
Now that having seen the importance of marriage and the outlook of
marriage as seen in the different angles of religions, we will see now what
marriage is? The people enter into marriage may be on account of love, or lust,
or social circumstances, or compulsions, but without knowledge of what is
marriage and its purpose. The duties and responsibilities construed form social
events around them form the purpose of marriage. Hence when sex becomes
renewal factor rather than the basic factor in marriage, the married life starts
running into rough weather. Here the marriage can run ahead only on account
of mutual understanding or common interest, or social compulsion otherwise it
breaks with or without divorce. Had the society properly educated people about
the marriage and its purpose and corrective measures to rectify the break with
true knowledge, and then many marriages could have been saved from getting
spoiled unnecessarily. Especially in the times of changes in social life if the
construed purpose and definition of marriage differs between the two partners,
then the whole married life will be rocking with rough weather with sufferings
especially if the marriage is to continue on account of social compulsions.
Before ourselves going into the subject, ‘marriage’, we will first see what
others have to say about it. Dr.Beals expressed marriage as, "marriage is
immeasurable the most important event in the most human lives, and society
has marked its sense of that event’s significance by surrounding it with the
most elaborate safeguards and sanctions; for no community can lightly regard
that which is so deeply bound up with its own wellbeing. Society, as well as
religion, proclaims the marriage as estate honorable, because it is associated
with responsibilities more diverse and grave than most who enter it can
all realize; it dishonorable because it offers a unique for the discharge of duty,
for the exercise of unselfishness. For the development of character, for the
training of other lives in strength and beauty; it is honorable, above all not
merely by reason of its burden, but of its joys of mutual helpfulness, mutual
respect, mutual unreserved confidence."
In fact, marriage is an ever-enduring union between two members of
opposite sex whose physical desires; mental tastes and moral pursuits are in
perfect harmony with each other. Marriage is the fulfillment of that innate wish
of the human soul- the wish that has been beautifully pictured by Edward
Carpenter as: "that there should exist one other person in the world towards
whom all openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there
should be no concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part,
as one’s own, with whom there should be no sense of mine or thin, in property
or possessing; into whose mind one’s thoughts should naturally flow, as it were
to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; and between whom and
oneself there should be a spontaneous rebound of sympathy in all the joys and
sorrows and experiences of life; such is, perhaps, one of the dearest wishes of
the soul." (Refer ‘idea marriage’ by Prof.H.S.Gambeg)
Bronisl Malinowski, a student of human relationships, has described the
marriage contract well as follows (refer Encyclopedia Britannica 1947 p-945):
‘marriage is the most important legal contract in every human society,
the one which refers to the continuity of the race; it implies a most
delicate and difficult adjustment of a passionate and emotional relationship
with domestic and economic corporation; it involves the co-habitation of male
and female, perennially attracted and yet in many ways forever incompatible;

11
it focused in a difficult personal relationship of two people the interest of wider
groups: of their progeny, of their parents, of their kindred, and in fact of the
whole community.’ marriage involves specific responsibilities and obligation on
the part of both the partners as well as rights and privileges (refer human
psychological development by Vincent Martin). Dr.Radha Krishna, one of the
best modern philosophers in India, describes Hindu ideal marriage as "the
Hindu ideal of marriage is essentially between a man and a woman who seek to
live creatively in partnership for the pursuit of 4 great objects of
life: artha, kama and moksha." In fact, the married couple immediately after
consummation starts their career as the keepers of home wherein they do their
best to fulfill their vow not to fail each other in their pursuit of ‘dharma’, ‘artha’
and ‘kama’ for the sake of achieving ‘moksha’. The marriage is to procreate
and preserve the social system, to perform ceremonies and rituals necessary
thereto and to pass the torch to next generation. In this sense, Hinduism is
essentially a domestic culture and this is one reason why the citadels of
orthodoxy are to be found among the Hindu women.
Before entering into our subject, marriage, first of all, if we want to
study, we should know what is study: a study means to find out, by analysis,
the system by which and the principle on which it functions or happens, and
parameters to standardize and to measure the functions with such standards;
moreover to find out the methods to arrive at the exact and correct results, or
outcomes out of such functions or happenings and to use corrective measures
to bring any deviations or abnormalities to normalcy.
As per the definition of ‘study’, as mentioned above, if we want to study
the ‘marriage’, let us first see the definitions. In ‘international encyclopedia of
the social sciences’ vol 10 by David l.Ills, the marriage is defined as a culturally
approved relationship of one man and one woman (monogamy), of one man
and two or more women (polygamy); or of one woman and two or more men
(polyandry) in which there is cultural endorsement of sexual intercourse
between the marital partners of opposite sex and generally, the expectation
that children will be born of the relationship. Generally, in traditional definition
of marriage, the most significant outcome of marital sex has been procreation
and familial bonding between the husband and wife.
However, after analyzing all the reasons and purpose for marriage, we
can formulate our own definition as: "marriage is a partnership institution,
supported by socio-cultural forces, created to have perceptual sexual
relationship, viewed in the perspective of difference in gender, and is instituted
for the purpose of (secured) mutuality, with responsibility of bringing up the
children, procreated usually out of the marriage, or by the partner, or partners,
or compensated, as per socio-cultural values." In a nutshell, marriage is: (a)
created for perceptual sexual relationship; (b) established for mutuality; (c)
instituted for bringing-up the children.
Now we will see certain explanations for the above-mentioned definition
of marriage. In marriage, either partner has got certain rights, privileges and
responsibilities; the society will ‘enforce’ the partner (s) to do their duties and
perform the responsibilities, if so required, hence only "supported by socio-
cultural forces". Marriage, if supported by society, is, in fact, created by
(usually) two opposite sex individuals to have sexual relationship on perceptual
basis, hence only "created to have perceptual sexual relationship". The sexual
relationship, supported by society, should be between opposite sex only;
secondly there may be more than two partners in a marriage wherein the
relationship between one sex partner and other sex partners individually,
collectively can be termed as marriage, hence only "viewed in the perspective
of difference in gender" "instituted".

12
As, mentioned in the definition, here means the basic concept of principle
of marriage; moreover even though marriage is created by the partners for the
perceptual relationship, it is instituted (by others) mainly for the purpose of
mutuality and the said responsibility. Procreation being the consequence of
marriage, sometimes the responsibility is accepted before marriage, or forced
by society, as per socio-cultural values in the case of bringing up the children
procreated by either of partners with some other partner, hence only "or by the
partner or partners" "as per socio-cultural values". Either if the responsibility of
bringing-up children is considered as a prime factor of marriage by the society,
or if the partners are brought up with such socio-cultural values of giving much
importance to the responsibility in marriage, then in either case the couple,
who have no child of their own, may go for adoption; however going for
adoption for the security of either of their own in their old age or of their
property is out of the purview of marriage; hence only "compensated, as per
socio-cultural values". Sometimes either partner, especially in the case of
women in many societies, may go for in marriage for the security (of
mutuality) hence only it is mentioned in the definition as "(secured) mutuality".
Therefore we come to understand that marriage is an institution begetting
satisfaction harmony and happiness for all its members thereby creating a
strong family. As the families are the strong supporting base for a society,
every marriage should have the blessings of the society; the marriage is the
institution wherein both man and woman get their sexual urge satisfied.
Marriage, on account of mutuality and togetherness, begets sentimental care,
which, in turn makes their children with good values to become good useful
adults.
The marital relationship, in general, has got three other variable
relationships as its components. The first one is of male-female relationship,
otherwise called sexual relationship; the second one is of man-woman
relationship, otherwise call ed familistic relationship; and the third one is of
person-to-person relationship, otherwise called companionate relationship. The
sexual relationship is an enjoyable in marriage; and in the companionate
relationship when one perceives the other with positive sides and common
interests, it yields happiness; but most of the marital problems arise in
the familistic relationship because most of us fail to understand
and recognize the differences, by nature, in approaches and attitudes of man
and woman.
Considering the marriage bond, we find a good explanation in the book,
‘together forever’ by Khalid a. Khavari, M.D., and She Willington Khavari, M.D.
the bond that connects the husband and wife together can be thought of as a
rope.
When the partners are kind to each other, nurture one another, and
make each other feel good, they keep adding more strands to the rope and the
bond becomes stronger.
Conversely, they hurt or criticize each other, the strands begin to fray.
An important thing about patching strands is that it should be done right away
to minimize the damage, because hurt feelings have a way of recruiting energy
and causing a great deal of damage.
The successful relationship is the one that dips constantly adding new
strands, while fraying and snapping as few as possible. A strong marriage well
creates conditions that encourage the individuation of the partners they’re
becoming and doing there very best in a broad spectrum of life.

13
Having dealt with the definition, next we will move to study the basic
fundamental factors for happiness in marriage. The following are the main
important basic fundamental factors / characteristics, which are
the Gita/Bible/Kuran for the happy married life: -
• Trust
• Building and maintaining confidence of security of emotional,
sentimental and spiritual needs with care and respect.
• Understanding.
• Adjustments.
• Sexual gratification.
• Fulfilling one’s specific accepted roles sincerely.
• Helping for self-confidence and personality development.
• Bringing-up the children with moral, health, educational,
intellectual and socio-cultural values.
Commitment to: free communication, frank discussion, mutual
consultation, togetherness, privacy, mutuality, sexual equality, compatibility,
compromise, adjustability, honesty, adaptability, sympathy, empathy,
satisfaction, satiation, happiness, joyful companionship, respect, sharing,
intimacy, co-operation, co-ordination, compassion, and fair-looking
presentation of self.
Ensuring the following not to poke their nose within marriage: - egoism,
selfishness, self-respect, rigidity, hurting the feelings, arguments, neglect,
helplessness, humiliation, criticism, contradicts (convincing is better than
contradicting), offensiveness, provoking accusations.

Research confirms importance of marriage

Just in time for the New Year, thirteen of the top scholars on family life have issued a
joint report on the importance of marriage. The report is based on decades of
research and the findings are striking. For the first time leading family scholars have
issued a definitive joint report on the financial, emotional, and health consequences
of marriage for men, women, children, and society.

Why Marriage Matters: 21 Conclusions from the Social Sciences was produced by a
politically diverse and interdisciplinary group of leading family scholars, including
psychologist John Gottman, best selling author of books about marriage and
relationships, Linda Waite, coauthor of The Case for Marriage, Norval Glenn and
Steven Nock, two of the top family social scientists in the country, William Galston, a
Clinton Administration domestic policy advisor, and Judith Wallerstein, author of the
national bestseller The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. This is the first time leading
family scholars have issued a definitive joint report based on a steadily accumulating
and by now very large body of social science evidence about the consequences of
marriage and its absence.

Since 1960, the proportion of children who do not live with their own two parents has
risen sharply - from 19.4% to 42.3% in the Nineties. This change has been caused,
first, by large increases in divorce, and more recently, by a big jump in single
mothers and cohabiting couples who have children but don't marry.

14
For several decades the impact of this dramatic change in family structure has been
the subject of vigorous debate among scholars. No longer. These 21 findings are now
widely agreed upon.

Even E. Mavis Hetherington's just released Divorce Reconsidered: For Better


or Worse, which argues that the consequences of divorce are not so troubling as
other recent books on the subject have suggested, does not dispute the basic facts.
The dispute is about the interpretation of the facts. For instance, Hetherington
agrees that between 20% to 25% of the children of divorce suffer from serious, long-
term emotional problems. But she says that's not so bad -- that means 80% to 75%
don't suffer serious, long-term emotional problems. The 20-25% figure is not in
dispute; what is in dispute is whether such a figure constitutes a serious social
problem.

The report is sponsored by the Institute for American Values, a nonpartisan


think tank, Center of the American Experiment, and the Coalition for Marriage,
Family and Couples Education. The report will be released on February 14th,
Valentine's Day, on the same day as the broadcast of a national PBS documentary on
the weakening of marriage, "Marriage - Is It Just a Piece of Paper?" narrated by
ABC's Cokie Roberts.

Among the research findings summarized by the report are:

About Children

• Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from
college, and achieve high-status jobs.
• Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical
health, on average, than children in other family forms. The health
advantages of married homes remain even after taking into account
socioeconomic status.
• Parental divorce approximately doubles the odds that adult children will end
up divorced.

About Men
• Married men earn between 10 and 40 percent more than single men with
similar education and job histories.
• Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than
otherwise similar singles.
• Marriage increases the likelihood fathers will have good relationships with
children. Sixty-five percent of young adults whose parents divorced had poor
relationships with their fathers (compared to 29% from non-divorced
families).

About Women
• Divorce and unmarried childbearing significantly increases poverty rates of
both mothers and children. Between one-fifth and one-third of divorcing
women end up in poverty as a result of divorce.
• Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting
mothers.

15
• Married women appear to have a lower risk of domestic violence than
cohabiting or dating women. Even after controlling for race, age, and
education, people who live together are still three times more likely to report
violent arguments than married people.

About Society
• Adults who live together but do not marry - cohabiters - are more similar to
singles than to married couples in terms of physical health and disability,
emotional well being and mental health, as well as assets and earnings. Their
children more closely resemble the children of single people than the children
of married people.
• Marriage appears to reduce the risk that children and adults will be either
perpetrators or victims of crime. Single and divorced women are four to five
times more likely to be victims of violent crime in any given year than
married women. Boys raised in single-parent homes are about twice as likely
(and boys raised in stepfamilies three times as likely) to have committed a
crime that leads to incarceration by the time they reach their early thirties,
even after controlling for factors such as race, mother's education,
neighborhood quality and cognitive ability.

BASIC FACTORS FOR SMOOTH MARITAL LIFE

Here we will analyze the important factors/characteristics to run the


marital life smoothly. The aim of a marriage is to develop a lasting, loving, and
fulfilling relationship so that the two partners are mutually contributory and
complementary to each other. Physical, emotional and psychological difference
between the two need recognition and understanding as stepping stones
towards the development of a better relationship.
Marriage is for pleasure, happiness and peace of mind through
satisfaction and satiation and every interaction will beget derivations creating
impressions because of which there will be consequences; also we may state
that marriage is for pleasure, happiness and peace of mind on account of
satisfaction and satiation through interactions with trust, understanding and
fulfilling social obligations and enriching personality development.
Every couple should understand that the marriage basically is to take care
for satisfaction, satiation and happiness and should be made use for personality
development and self-confidence which is possible ONLY with trust,
understanding, compatibility and commitment, without mainly egoism and
selfishness within marriage.
Herein below we will see the requisites for the important factors: -
· Trust: - liking, interest, belief, believing the partner to be good and
interested to do good for self and family and never to doubt the person’s
intention to be bad.
· Understanding: - free communication, frank discussion, mutual
consultation, togetherness, privacy, honesty and intimacy.
· Compatibility: - mutuality, sexual equality, compromise, adjustability,
adaptability, sympathy, empathy, joyful companionship, respect, sharing, co-
operation, co-ordination, and compassion.

16
· Commitment: - fulfilling one’s specific accepted roles sincerely, sexual
equality, mutuality, and bringing-up children, at any cost resolving the conflicts
and solving marital problems.
· Care: - to take care of the other’s needs, wants, desires, expectations,
values, and ambitions (as far as possible without expectation for self-interest).
· Satisfaction: - taking care to the extent of creating satisfaction to the
partner, especially in sex satisfaction is fulfillment of expectation.
· Satiation: - one should always satiate the other in sex leaving the
impression of security of care in sex: satiation is quenching the desire
completely.
It is very pertinent and important that in marriage the positive personality
attributes should be same with the both but whereas the negative personality
attributes should be complementary so that the positive attributes should fuse
and the attributes to become stronger, whereas the negative attributes, being
complementary, fuse with each other and become zero, or
become effectiveness in their marriage.
Characteristics required to every couple for their happy marriage are: -
1. Unifying characteristics: - such contrary characteristics fusing
with each other to sail the unit of marriage, like penis and vagina.
2. Adjustable characteristics: - such contrary characteristics by
adjusting with each other nullify the evil effect of the characteristic.
Generally negative characteristic of a partner ought to be adjusted
by a positive characteristic of the partner. For e.g. ego versus non-
ego.
3. United characteristics: - Such characteristics, which are to be
same, or similar, for the unity and upcoming of the unit of marriage,
are called united characteristics. All positive characteristics may be
classified in this category. E.g. for united characteristics are: care,
listening, to take care of the other, tendency of sacrifice in time of
need, etc.
Here positive characteristic is one, which helps for strengthening the unit
of marriage and helps for personality development of the other partner; and
negative characteristic is one, which weakens, or breaks, the strength of the
bondage between couple.
As the required factors for marriage are: trust, understanding,
common-interest, care, helping for each other’s personality
development, maturity of values and discipline:
Marriage is a commitment with love and responsibility for peace,
happiness, and development of members of the family; therefore, the
maintenance of marriage for peace and happiness basically depends upon three
factors viz.: trust, understanding and care, whereas trust and care being
the ingredients of love, the understanding is an additional ingredient of
marriage. If we analyze the ‘marriage’ as such, we come across:
• Primary pre-requisite for marriage is ‘potential nature for adjustment’.
• Primary concern in marriage is ‘mutual care’.
• Primary concept of marriage is ‘adjustment for mutual benefit’.
• Primary aim of marriage is ‘happiness’.
• Primary purpose of marriage is ‘care’.
• Primary goal of marriage is ‘peace of mind’.

17
When we deal with the fundamental concepts about marriage, we find the
two ingredients of units are compatibility and mutual respect. Resourceful and
devoted parents who are willing to make the needed sacrifices to raising
outstanding children; and the best environment for so doing is still the home –
a home strongly anchored to a thriving marriage.
Marriage should be a charter for the exaltation of the parents, the
children, and the flourishing all those associated with it. Compromising is the
engine that propels the marriage toward an ever-increasing satisfaction and
joy; rigidity and selfishness work against compromise; they are the brakes that
stop the marriage from growing and often derail it together. Change has
become the constant of life; people are called upon to make all kinds of
adjustments; hence the stability of the relationship becomes even more
important. The extended family and relatives - traditionally a vital are of
support – are often in far away places, scattered, and cannot be relied upon.
Most extended families come together briefly, if at all, at special occasions
such as weddings and funerals. Correspondence and even telephone
conversations are hardly satisfactory substitutes for the in-person, heart-to-
heart intimacy that families of the past provided. The couple’s children leave
home – you wish them the very best; but you also feel the loss; it is the
spouse – that faithful partner – who stays with you and who sustains you.
Marriage is about two individuals who, together, create something superior to
any thing that either of them can produce alone. The family is an interacting
communications network in which every member influences the nature of the
entire system and in turn is influenced by it. Everything in marriage, both good
and bad, is a joint creation and property; whatever the quality of the emotional
atmosphere, it is always a shared responsibility. Having a good marriage is
within everyone’s grasp provided that they keep in mind the changing
requirements of our time and behave accordingly. Requirements for modern
marriage power and responsibility should be equally shared, unless there are
circumstances that make this impossible. The decision to marry, in itself, is an
instance of opting for mutual commitment over the personal freedom of single
life. The partners should be full prepared for a broader life venture, where each
is afforded the greatest possible opportunity to pursue legitimate aspirations.
There are seven basic emotional needs or attitudes that are
essential to creating a truly loving and emotionally supportive relationship.
They are: love, caring understanding, respect, acceptance, and trust.
1. Love: - On a mental level, love is expressed through
understanding. On an emotional level, love is expressed thro’ empathy. On a
physical level, love is expressed through touch. In fact touch, on physical
plane, is so important to woman that touching is as important to women as sex
is to men.
2. Caring: - A caring attitude acknowledges one’s felt responsibility to
respond to the needs of another. To care is to show deep interest or heartfelt
concern for another’s well being. Caring is also an acknowledgment of that
which is important to a person. Caring for a person validates that he or she is
special.
3. Understanding: - An understanding attitude validates the meaning of
a statement, feeling, or situation. It does not presume to know all the answers
already. An understanding attitude starts from not knowing, gathers meaning
from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated.
Through understanding we are able to see the world through another person’s
eyes.

18
4. Respect: - A respectful attitude acknowledges another person’s rights,
wishes, and needs. It yields to another’s wishes and needs, not out of fear, but
through acknowledging their validity. Respect acknowledges the value and
importance of which a person is, as well as their needs. Respect is the attitude
that motivates one to truly serve another because he or she deserves it.
5. Appreciation: - An appreciative attitude acknowledges attitude
acknowledges the value of another’s efforts or behavior. It recognizes that the
expression of another person’s being or behavior has enriched the well-being of
the appreciator. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported.
Appreciation inspires us to give back to others with a feeling of fullness and
joy. Appreciation acknowledges that we have benefited from the gift offered to
us.
6. Acceptance: - An accepting attitude acknowledges that another’s
being or behavior is received willingly. It does not reject, but rather affirms
that the other person is being favorably received. Indeed, acceptance is
accompanied by a sense of gratitude for what we have received. It is not a
passive, overlooking, or slightly disapproving attitude. To accept a person
means to validate that they are enough for you. It does not mean that you
think they could not improve; it indicates that you are not trying to improve
them. Acceptance is the attitude that forgives another’s mistakes.
7. Trust: - A trusting attitude acknowledges the positive qualities of
another’s character, such as honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, and sincerity.
When trust is absent, people commonly jump to negative and wrong
conclusions regarding a person’s intent. Trust gives every offence the benefit of
the doubt, positing that there must be some good explanation for why it
happened. Trust grows in a relationship when each partner recognizes that the
other never intends to hurt. To approach one’s partner with trust is to believe
that they are able and willing to support.
The difference between the love and arranged marriage is the marriage is
the destination of love in the former and whereas love is the destination of
marriage in the later. In a society where social values dominate over
individuals, arranged marriages, creation of the members of society,
is favored by the society as this kind of marriage looks after the procedural
aspects of the system of marriage, whereas the love marriage is arranged by
the individuals for themselves, and the procedural aspects of system of
marriage are not much cared, hence it is disliked by society.
The inter-personal relationship in marriage is very vital because:
in marriage, any conflict, or misunderstanding, on account of
difference in value, or perception, attracts positive response if
basically the relationship between the husband and wife is good; and
instigate the negative attitude, if the relationship is not good.
In marriage, the main differences are of physiological with regard to
changes in the body, biological with regard to enzymes, sociological with
regard to attitudes on account of social values, psychological with regard to
approaches and preferences on account of personal values. These differences
will create different problems, which can easily be solved by adjustments,
compromises and sacrifices with good relationship and mutual understanding
without forgetting the sole aim of marriage being well being and happiness.
In marriage, inter-dependence and mutuality pave way for sharing and
caring and in particular, if so to the satisfaction of the both, will eventually lead
to the happiness which is in fact the ultimate aim in anybody’s life. In the
above statement if we substitute ‘marital sex’ for ‘marriage’, the result will be

19
same, which clearly explains the importance of happy sexual life for any happy
married life.
Marriage is a social security for all the individuals, i.e. society, through
marriage system, provides security of needs and cares thereby its existence
and prosperity is secured. Therefore, we can conclude that the personal
commitment to marriage is a social obligation.
Marriage is the social commitment: a commitment to society that they will
live together and bring up the children thereby paving way for the society to
exist and prosper in an automatic systematic way.
Fundamentally, love is the sentimental and emotional attachment
to a being whose welfare and well being are considered of his own, and
fulfillment of whose interests gives an immense happiness. Usually romance is
replaced (except for occasional brief hackers), in marriage, by another kind of
love, which comes to a new state of equilibrium. This is called ‘companionate
love’, which can be looked at as a steadier love based on sharing, affection,
trust, involvement and togetherness rather than passion. Companionate love is
most characteristic of marriage and other long-term committed relationships,
because it is less possessive and consuming than romantic love, it allows two
people to carry on their lives – working, raising children, having hobbies,
relaxing with friends – with a minimum of interference. It is a reality-based and
steadier love, as opposed to romantic love, which is all too often based merely
on ideals and fantasies.
When we insist so much about the love factor in marriage, it is very vital
for everybody to understand the basic concept of marital love. One who comes
from parental love to this marital love, if he/she expects the same terms and
conditions of parental love in marital love, the resultant factor is only
disappointment and disgust for which one has to blame oneself for having not
understood the marital love in the right perspective. Man, or woman, is brought
by parental love without expectation, i.e. one sided, whereas in marriage, the
love with sex, is available on mutuality. In fact, this difference is not realized in
the initial stages of marriage, because during that period, the common interest
for the both is sex: wherein the mutuality is natural in sex. But after the initial
period, when the sex becomes routine, this pinch of the difference in the
marital love is slowly realized in the outside sex in their marriage. That means
the natural tendencies in parental love and romantic love do not expose the
difference but whereas the expectation of the natural attitude in parental love
from companionate love create problems of misunderstandings in the ‘care’
factor in marriage. Therefore when a person shifts from parental love to
romantic love, further to companionate love the person should understand and
realize the natural tendencies of the respective ‘love’ and the purpose.
Newton’s law in marriage: - for every accepted right of a partner
in a marriage, there is equal duty of the opposite partner in the same
perspective.
In such societies where the sexual values play predominant role in
marriage: Curtailing the temptations outside the marriage, surging the
temptations inside the marriage, (thereby) retaining the bondage of the
marriage is one of the principles of sex in marriage.
In her book,’ married people: staying together in the age of divorce’, the
author Francine Klagsburn mentions about her interview with 87 couples who
had been married 15 years or more. She hoped to identify the factors that
have enabled the marriage to survive and thrive in a time when so many
others are expected to end in divorce.

20
Respect turned out to be a key ingredient. What is this thing called
respect? For the marriage to last and grow it is better to agree to disagree, to
learn to let each other be. The put-down is the chief symptom – and weapon –
of lack of respect or contempt. “Contempt is the worst kind of emotion”,
says Dr.Alexandra Symonds, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at New
York university school of medicine, “you feel the other person has no
worth.”
Respect is the appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the
ways in which he, or she, is unique, these things take time to discover and
accept. That is why respect is a quality of maturity in a marriage, not of
the first heat of romance. The root meaning of the word respect is ‘look at’.
Respect is a clear yet loving eye. It sees what is really there, but it also sees
what is potentially there and helps to bring it to fruition. Respect is the art of
love by which married couples honor what is unique and best in each other.
If a dull marriage is getting to be a habit, the Joyce Brothers says, ”I have
advised many suffering couples to try playing again: it brings partners closure
and allows them to express their desires and even criticize, in ways that don’t
hurt each other. In his book, ’Intimate Play’, Boston psychiatrist William
Bitcher stresses that a spirit of fun is crucial to a fulfilling relationship. Intimate
relationship is a matter of reinforcing a relationship by touching. The
affectionate pet, the sudden hug, the teasing tickle can say, ”I love being with
you” more effectively than words and study reported by psychology today
indicates that those couples who laugh at the same joke are more likely to
remain together. A common sense of humor reflects shared values. A marriage
thrives on the sunlight of familiarity and routine, but the water revelry and
spontaneity is also needed to keep the relationship from withering. As
William Betcher says,” Fun is important.” Sarah Catron adds,” The best
marriages have an atmosphere of light heartedness.” Parents need to allow
themselves time to have fun – to laugh and enjoy themselves. Feeling and
being sexy creates romantic moments, which can be a terrific antidote for,
restless and discontent. When couples make the effort to generate enthusiasm
in their relationship, they build a powerfully intimate connection, one that
invigorates a mature love, with a young romantic love.
To have a vibrant, long-term relationship, the fundamental requirements
are:
• Honesty: - if one thinks that he is ‘pleasing the partner’ by not
saying what he wants or feel – or saying what he thinks the partner
wants to hear – it is a mistake: at the heart of true intimacy is the
truth.
• Time: - planning and spending time for togetherness with intimacy
and love including for sex.
• A commitment to sexuality.
• Communication: - one should express what one really needs and
wants without fear and shame, and if so, such desires are often met
with surprising quietness. When fears and fear of rejection are
expressed openly, they lose their power to hurt.
• Overcoming fear: - it is fears, according to sexual researchers and
therapists, which are some of the greatest impediments to
lovemaking. If there is one message that comes through from couples
to have made something very special of their lives together, it is this;
therefore set aside the time to understand each other and talk about
the things that make your relationship work.

21
In a successful marriage, husband and wife learn to strike a balance
between retaining basic personality traits and modifying extreme aspects of
those traits that may be unacceptable to the part6ner. People owe most of
their temperamental differences to the emotional styles of the families in which
they were raised.
“If you understand that certain personality traits are the result of forces
that shaped the person long before you met and cannot be changed in
adulthood”. Dr.White, coordinator of a family-therapy training center in New
York, adds,”it can make conflicts easier to resolve.” If you adore the other’s
passionate style when your partner expresses love, but hate it when he/she
yells in anger? Both are facets of an emotional temperament; you may not get
one part of the package without the other.
In modern marriage paradigm is based on an equal partnership
between the husband and wife, it is free of gender stereotypes, and
both partners equally share the work as well as the fruits of their
efforts. Modern life with its laborsaving devices has freed the wife from
limitations traditionally imposed by household chores, simultaneously; the sole-
provider husband is rapidly disappearing.
The new marriage paradigm is a joint venture of two different, yet equal,
partners. Psychological and behavioral differences between the two genders are
largely the products of cultural practices, social repression of females is less
severe, and each partner brings definite assets to the marriage.
The relationship is based on the win-win principle where both husband
and wife always come out winners – and not the zero-sum strategy where one
person’s gain is always at another’s expense; when both gain, the marriage
gains, and when the marriage gains, humanity benefits.
In the new paradigm, the relationship is level, healthy and stable – the
two partners are shoulder to shoulder, pulling together in the same
direction. The new paradigm is about accommodation and mutual
appreciation. It is about learning how to create unity in diversity. When coupes
share power, satisfaction with marriage is high. Marriage is a total
commitment; and this commitment together with the willingness to do the
work in an atmosphere of equality, respect and love make for a successful
marriage.
Why marriage: - marriage is a practice that stood the test time by proving
its worth and by changing to meet new requirements. According to Wood W
and Rhodes N and Whelen M in their ‘psychological bulletin’, ‘it seems that
marriage and the family are the bedrock of social order and stability, in
addition to meeting numerous personal needs.’
Advantages of marriage are:
• Solidarity: -the relationship of a man and a woman who are married
is unique; there is a sense of trust and solidarity in each other.
• Friendship: - In a marriage, you have a permanent friendship, and
one that is not likely to falter so easily.
• Companionship: - the togetherness of experiencing life shared in
common thro’ the years and having a caring person by your side
during those inevitable lonely moments of life.
• Problem solving: - Having the benefit of a trust worthy person’s
knowledge and wisdom in tackling life’s problems.

22
• Unifying: - The couple serves on the connecting bond that links
them with their children, parents, relations, neighbors, and friends.
This circle of unity, begun by the marriage of two individuals, has the
potential of expand and include the whole world.
• Greater well-being: - The reports from Khavan’s ‘marriage and the
nuclear family’, Bhaai’s studies note book, Stevart and
Bjarksten’s ‘marriage and health’ show that married people are
healthier and on the average, live longer than those who are
unmarried.
• Maturing: - It is in marriage that the adults who have been self-
contained, self oriented, and independent evolve into a new and more
mature role. They learn inter-dependence and sharing in most
intimate manners. The husband and wife learn to be responsive to
each other’s needs, expectations, likes and dislikes. The union of the
two requires certain adjustments, which include giving up some
personal privileges in order to benefit from their joint gifts. Each will
have to consequences of the partnership’

The pillars of a good marriage are:


• Attraction and love: - The best indication of a good marriage is
when love keeps on growing when the bond between the pair gets
even more precious with each passing day.
• Respect: - In a good marriage respect permeates the relationship.
• Compatibility: -When we talk about having a good marriage, it is to
start with as much compatibility as possible.
• Commitment: - A good marriage demands unconditional
commitment on the part of the partners to resist the powerful and
varied forces that aim to end their togetherness.
• Preparedness: - We must be prepared ourselves for compromise, to
be ready to share, to give-up some personal freedom, to accept
responsibility, and to work hard.
• Competence: - Both can have different degrees and types of
competencies that, when pooled together make the synergy; that is
the secret of a good partnership; one must prepared to take over if
temporary, or permanent, incapacities afflict the spouse.
• Communication: - Sensitive and effective communication is both
golden and virtuous in marriage; and it is candid and caring
communication that makes all those things happen, not the other way
round. The effectiveness of communication between couples is an
excellent gauge of their marriage. Understanding not only what is
being said, but the feelings behind it makes real communication
possible and on mutual exchange. This mutual exchange is possible
where the parties genuinely respect each other, value each other’s
feelings and views, and care about the quality of their thriving
relationship. Continually complaining-either about each other or the
world – is a terrible practice that replaces the joy of life with
bitterness and transforms communication into a harangue of negative
commentary. Be always willing, even glad to listen. Never assume
that your partner knows what you are feeling. Keep the line of
communication open to allow closeness to continue to grow. The life
of wife and husband is a journey of togetherness, of growth of
common sharing, tears and joys;

23
the trust must never be violated, no matter how serious the case may
be. There are times when tempers flare, emotions are high, much is
said, but amazingly little is communicated, a natural tendency for the
other is to jump in with both feet and make the situation truly
explosive; we suggest that you keep spar in mind for these episodes;
that means: s=stop for a moment; p=perceive what is wrong with
communication; a=adjust accordingly; r=resume communication.
Now we will see the importance and vitality of love in marriage. The
American psychiatrist Harvy Stack Sullivan writes, ”when the satisfaction or
the security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s
own satisfaction, or security, then the state of love exists.”
Psychologist Robert J.Sternberg has studied love and concludes that,
”love may be, subjectively, like single emotion, but it is, in fact, composed of a
number of different components; he lists the components as:
1. Promoting the welfare of the loved one.
2. Experiencing happiness with the loved one.
3. High regard for the loved one.
4. Being able to count on the loved one in time of need.
5. Mutual understanding of the loved one.
6. Sharing oneself and one’s things with the loved one.
7. Receiving emotional support from the loved one.
8. Giving emotional support to the loved one.
9. Intimate communication with the loved one.
10.Valuing the loved one in one’s own life.”
A solid marriage has a particularly large measure of altruistic love the
stand-alone love that involves loving people for what they are and not only
what they do for you. Marriage love is also a pragmatic love when the couple
trust and love each other because of what they do for one another and in spite
of peculiarities and quirks that each may have. Research shows that we tend to
like those who are similar to us (refer the article ‘interaction approach to
interpersonal attraction’ in the journal of personality and social psychology
by Lonzales, .H.Davis,J.M.Loned, G.L.Kukeris and Junghans C.M). Attraction to
people who are like us is not limited to physical similarity; intellectual
compatibility, similar religious and cultural beliefs, and a shared sense
of humor are also important. In marriage, each spouse must continually earn
the love and acceptance of the other. It is not the same automatic love and
acceptance that you might have enjoyed in the parental home. In parental
home one gets love automatically whereas in married life one has to earn the
love. One of the difficult adjustments of going from childhood home to one’s
marital home is this transition from automatic to earned respect and love.
In the book, ’ Marriage Manual’, the author, D.V.Arora, states that the
husband and wife team leads to social success when the other anticipates the
unspoken need of the one correctly. Such a co-ordination between two persons
is possible when they pay careful attention to one another. Artificiality destroys
the marriage and eats into the fami8ly life. According to the author, in the ideal
relationship the two married souls are so attuned to each other’s well being
that they may think constantly of each other’s happiness.

24
When we think of human needs, we come across: -
1. Basic needs like water, food, air, sex and protection from the
elements, injury and disease.
2. Needs concerned with feelings: - emotional or affection needs; the
need to love and to be loved; feeling of being accepted, valued and admired;
feeling happy and contended; experiencing good will, kindness and sympathy.
3. Psychological needs: - need for achievement, autonomy, order,
respect, affiliation, attention, understanding, relaxation, nurturance, play,
creativity, acquisition, and self-actualization. (Refer R.F.Massey’s ‘personality
theories, comparisons and synthesis’)
4. Spiritual needs: - the need for transcendence, to understand and
relate to a supreme being; for insight and oneness with the realm of spirit, for
prayer and meditation.
When we understand the human needs, we should also
understand that a good life-long marriage is one in which the pair
strives to help each other in meeting the rest of their varied needs.

Now we will try to understand the necessity of understanding the NEED


FOR SATISFACTION in marriage. Biology and culture make the sexes
different in their need profile.
Women, for example, are reported to have a greater need for acceptance
and affiliation than men (refer the article, ‘mental health in marriage: the roles
on need for affiliation’ by Moffilt Pf.Spence Nd, and Golney Rd in the journal of
clinical psychology).
The challenge facing marriage is to accept the valid impulse of self-
interest and strike an arrangement where both partners come out ahead in the
marriage deal. Self-interest is not selfishness because one should understand
(in his/her point of view) ‘what is good for her or him is good for marriage; and
what is good for marriage is good for me’. In fact, self-interest is the
maturation of selfishness.
Keeping your spouse happy may sometimes require sacrificing your own
wishes; but these sacrifices are like savings, that will pay back compound
interest. It takes two people to make a successful marriage and reciprocity is at
the heart of it. Talk to each other and find out about the things you can do to
make your special someone feel better.
People’s needs change over time; don’t keep on serving the same
psychological menu; periodically reassess what you are providing and the
change of needs of your partner. Women as a group may value certain things
more than men do, while men may cherish other things; always make
allowances for gender preferences. They are both legitimate and important.
Paying attention to one’s spouse will cost time, energy and emotion; but
one must do it all the time. That means:
o Eye contact: - look in the eyes of the spouse when she, or he, is
talking.
o Appearance: - always be on the lookout to notice and compliment
appearance; it is a winning proposition all around.
o Pay attention to each other’s needs – this is necessarily a must in
every marriage.
o Pay attention to feelings.

25
In dealing with emotional support, handling partner’s emotions is very
important. In the age of endless anxiety, frustration, and stress, helping your
spouse handle the emotions is a key to having a good marital relationship. A
good formula for handling your spouse’s emotions is l.o.v.e.
That means:
• L= listen, listen with your all, patiently, and do very little talking
yourself, don’t try to advise unless sought for, don’t react
negatively so as to upset/hurt/irritate your partner.
• O= observe. Observe subtle clues, things that are not said, feelings,
body language and needs of the moment.
• V= value. Respect the feelings, the disappointments and hurts.
• E= empathize. Feel with him, or her.
In marriage, let us understand very clearly that when one acts badly
toward the other, the other tends to retaliate in kind and the atmosphere
becomes poisonous. If there are more negative interactions than positive ones,
the marriage will become a torture. When, on the other hand, the exchanges
between the pair are positive and supporting, the marriage becomes a true
haven, worthy of any sacrifice. Reciprocation – kindness to be reciprocated
with more kindness and hurt with kindness – then your marriage will be on a
spiral of feeding in the energy of good feelings.
Consultation is the most powerful tool for problem solving, conflict
resolution, and creation of a thriving marriage. It is the practice of two or more
people pooling their intelligence, good-will, and resources in a combined effort
at assessing a situation, discovering the facts, generating options, making a
decision, and together carrying out that decision to a successful conclusion.
Consultation is the key to a life-long successful marriage. It is a process that
confers equal status on the husband and wife in all aspects of their shared life.
It empowers the pair far beyond what each is capable of accomplishing alone.
Consultation allows free, candid, selfless exchanges of views needs, and
preferences between the couple. This pooling of the pair’s resources creates
‘positive synergy’ – making the outcome much superior to any decisions that
could have been made individually.
Consultation constantly repairs the ‘cracks’ that develop, from time to
time, in the relationship, and further strengthens the bond. Also it has a
number of other advantages that go beyond specific problem-solving and
decision-making, consultation trains everyone in thinking logically; becoming
more articulate; listening more effectively to others and noticing feelings and
emotions; discovering creative solutions; including ethical considerations in
decision-making; learning to be candid, yet courteous; respecting other, their
preferences and views; and practicing the principles of the new paradigm – i.e.,
equality, co-operation and unity.
In most modern marriages, the couple is equally educated; both may
professionally employed outside the home, and equally skilled in solving
complex problems. Hence, shared governance is in the best interests of the
marriage, not only for the equality it creates between husband and wife.

26
A number of skills and attitudes are necessary for effective consultation.
Some of them are:
• Mutual respect – consult at all times with mutual respect.
• Unselfishness and honesty – be unselfish and no scheming.
• Willingness to speak – speaking is not only a privilege, it is an
obligation.
• Listening – listen sincerely and attentively.
• Patience – don’t rush the things. Allow full airing of facts and views.
• Speaking effectively – don’t ramble. Organize and focus your thoughts.
• Harnessing egoism – lock your egos out, and let ideas survive or merit.
• Creativity – come-up with wild ideas. Be as creative as you can.
• Non-offensiveness – be considerate as well as open.

Moreover, there are six steps for consideration. They are:-


The subject – define the issue to be consulted upon.
The facts – who, what, where, when, why and how.
Relevance – what are the alternative solutions – considerations
relevant to the issue.
Alternatives – what are the alternative solutions – the costs and
benefits of each.
Decision – choose the best and work for it together.
Re-evaluate the decision after a fair trial period – make needed
adjustments to achieve the goal.

Conditioning and marriage: - Every human person in his present state


is the product of nature and nurture. His parents, society, teachers and friends
have conditioned his personality. The parents’ personality, their conflicts, needs
and demands affect children. Children observe the behavior of parents and, to
an extent, incorporate even their abnormal behavior into their personalities. A
mature partner should be able to cut off the psychological umbilical card and
should have his, of her, own stands, able to opine without repeating,
“my mother used to say this” or “my father did this in this way”. One of the
major obstacles in the way of love is that both husband and wife have a
preconceived image of the spouse they desire – the result is that they never
really meet each other. Every time, it is a meeting of images and not of
persons; and a meeting of images can never bring happiness or bliss.
According to transactional analysts, human personality comprises the child, the
parent and the adult. The purpose of developing the personality is to achieve
the adult level, to be effectively functional and communicative. Trouble in the
marriage or in any other relationship starts if the person is either fixed at any
one of the earlier stages of development – the child or parent or both, or if any
of the two earlier stage of development contaminate the state of the adult.

27
Power struggle: - power struggle is yet another reason for failure of
marriage. Also initiating one’s parents, identity with one’s parents, and inability
to relinquish the parental intimacy for intimacy with one’s spouse, is a major
contributing factor for a power struggle that can destroy the marriage. If two
people cannot co-operate with each other, at least they can avoid bossing each
other.
Friendship: - marriage is essentially a relationship of friendship. The
essential ingredients in any friendship are common interests, trust, listening to
each other and total acceptance of the other with all the faults and
shortcomings. If spouses accept each other’s friendship, and develop a giving
attitude, they can help each other’s development and make the marriage
fulfilling.
Trust: - life becomes difficult without trust and in marital life mutual trust
is a must if it is to be happy.
Nurturing: - nurturing each other after marriage and not taking the
other for granted can avoid bitterness. Personal nurturing, the partner’s
nurturing and nurturing of the relationship are all essential for the maturity of
the marriage. For personal nurturing, it is advised that a person makes time
for oneself, may be an hour or two, which one can utilize to develop one’s
hobbies and interest. Nurturing one’s partner means having sensitivity to the
other’s needs. Nurturing the relationship means enjoyment of time spent
together.
Effective communication: - in uncomfortable marriages people lack
effective communication.
Family violence: - it is one’s ego, the ‘me’, that makes one violent.
Violence can be eliminated altogether if one learns to drop one’s ego. This is
one of the most difficult things to do in this world. Anger, brutality, self-abuse,
competition and even demand for fulfillment are all forms of violence.
Love: - philosophically speaking, love is devoid of jealousy, envy and
competition. J.Krishnamurthy, a great Indian philosopher, says, “Love is not a
memory. Life, love and death go together – they are not separate things. So
life consists of living of every day in a state of freshness, and to have that
clarity, that innocence, there must be the death of that state of mind in which
there is always the center, the ‘me’. Without love there is no virtue, no peace
and no relationship. This is the foundation for the mind to go immeasurably
into that dimension in which truth alone exists”. This is worth meditating upon.
Empathy: - empathy means putting oneself into the other’s situation. If
both the partners learn empathy they can really make their marriage
comfortable.
In marriage, having surrendered childhood and adolescence you have
entered a social unit system, which provides you ten basic rights according to
the American Family Physicians Manual. But remember, these rights have
been given to you both as an unit, to ensure that you allow each other’s rights
as well as fulfillment of marital obligations.
1. The right to grow: Don’t be threatened by your spouse’s faster growth.
Take pride in it, for, after all, the spouse’s growth is your growth, as well
the growth of the family as an unit.
2. Right to be yourself: you will have to accept your
spouse, however he/she is, and not attempt to change him/her lest you
create bitterness.

28
3. Right to be loved: the problem starts only when you start seeing your
spouse as a source of assistance and convenience, and forget that he/she
also has the right to be loved as much as you do.
4. Right to privacy: your invasion of your spouse’s privacy indicates
your own low self-esteem.
5. Right to be trusted: be cautious, as trust can be
shattered instantaneously. It is finer than glass. Once broken, it can never
regain its original shape unless you remold it. Do not intentionally hurt
one another.
6. Right of acceptance.
7. Right to be respected: do consider your spouse’s level of self-esteem
before asking for this right.
8. Right to be happy: you will have to work together towards the goal of
happiness. Your happiness lies in the happiness of the unit.
9. Right to be free: because of your own free choice, you have entered a
marital relationship, you will have to consider the spouse’s freedom even
more so now, with full trust and respect.
10. Right to defend yourself: you have the right to stand up, speak your
mind and voice your opinion; but do not rationalize everything. A frank
opinion without prejudices is one’s best defense.

In a book, it is found of certain advices and guidelines for wife, husband


and the both, and the same is reiterated herein below.
For wife: - Instead of criticizing, be intelligent enough to make him
perceive what you want to say.
Are you loving: warm, empathetic and sincere? Being warm means that
you accept him as a person and human being. You are concerned enough about
him to share not only all his happiness but also all his sorrows as well. Being
empathetic means you into his shoes and trying to understand him by looking
at things the way he does. In being sincere towards him, you will have to be
face to face with him, come what may. You will not lose hope even when he
turns his back on you. You can always make him turn his face towards if you
have the sincerity to improve your relationship.
He might have done something for which he is responsible, but instead of
letting him down with ‘you’ statements remember that he needs is your
support during these moments. The ‘we’ statement will make him feel that
there is someone to share even his shortcomings. This is an indirect way to
make him take responsibility without hurting his ego.
A lady has to play various roles at various times in the life of a man. This
may include even lending her body against her wishes in bed. Always
remember that you can get something only when you have learnt to give some
thing.
An intelligent lady knows how to motivate him to listen to her by creating
an intense curiosity before she speaks. Perceive the right moment to start the
communication.
As you know, “the right word spoken at the right time has a lot of value
and meaning for the other.” Living together, especially, if you have been
sincere and keen to know him you must have learnt the best time to start any
communication. In the beginning, try to know what major topics interest him.

29
Find enough information to stimulate his curiosity to listen to you most.
Then use short questions. Keep on arousing his curiosity when you have
communicated enough in his areas of interest you can start on your own areas
of interest.
If you take a keen interest in his areas on interest he is bound to
reciprocate. Remember that he also trying as hard as you are to improve the
relationship.
If you face the problems with a conditioned mind, with anticipated
hurdles. Your mind itself will be the biggest hurdle in the betterment of your
marital life. Living in the present means attention – your full, uninterrupted
attention – and this is what he wants.
Try to content with whatever you have blessed with and show a sincere
appreciation to him for whatever he has been able to give you. Your constant
appreciation will make him give you more and more.
Your admiration of his positive qualities will force him to admire your good
qualities. You both will stop looking at each other’s bad qualities and will be on
the right path for the betterment of your marriage.
Expectations bring frustrations you have had a lot of expectations of your
spouse without even realizing the destructive role that expectations play in
your happiness in general and marital life in particular. Dropping expectations
means that you have not been able to get rid of all your expectations, which
are one or the main hurdles to your happiness.
Calmness is your inner peace of mind with which you can respond quietly
to stressful situations without your fears. Your fears always their origin in the
past, which is a memory and a thought. It is your own thought, your min tricks
of distortion of the facts and magnification that make you fearful. Just don’t
allow your mind to distort and magnify.
Are you sensitive to other’s needs? Are you sensitive to his needs? By
your sensitive nature you can bring beauty, gentleness and tenderness to your
family and environment. Depend upon your sensitivity and utilize it
intelligently. Over reacting decreases your spouse’s need to meet you and also
creates many problems, which could otherwise be avoided.
Remember that genuine love is the most powerful motivating force in
anyone’s life you should be able to utilize your sensitivity to detect his needs,
which may be unique and then meet his needs with your creative mind.
Appreciation and reciprocation will automatically follow.
Your husband is a unique person. Comparing him to others is a means of
belittling him. You are sharing his life and if you cannot appreciate his sensitive
areas never be sarcastic about them. “Don’t hurt him and you will never by
hurt”. In fact, it will make you feel great if you are able to beg his forgiveness
when you hurt him.
Are you really attentive to him? If not, just mind your ways and see how
such non-verbal communication play a role in making yours better and more
comfortable marital life.
Have a positive attitude towards life and things will happen in a positive
way. Negative thoughts are the root cause of depression, discouragement and
discontent.Be careful not to allow your communications to turn into arguments.
These are most detrimental to any marital relationship. With your sensitivity
you can perceive the things, which ignite arguments and with your intelligence
you can side step such issues. Avoid the use of mannerisms in effective
communication as these have negative effects.

30
You have to make him sensitive to your emotional needs for your
fulfillment. If you have sown love, thoughtfulness and gentleness you will reap
the same. He needs your total commitment, an unconditional commitment to
care for him. He wants you to accept him fully, whatever he is, as a human
person. He needs your acceptance and understanding. He needs your
admiration. Win his confidence and provide him security by never letting out
his secrets. He needs to feel that you value his advice. You have the right to
express yourself, but in an intelligent way so that you do not hurt him but
correct him.
There is no harm at all in accepting the fact that as a female you have
physical limitations because of hormonal changes during the menstrual cycle.
Let him know your limitations and ask for his help.
You know that as a man your husband will use more logic than sentiment
in procuring material needs. Occasionally buy him something out of your
pocket money as a surprise gift. You will find him doing the same for you.
Learn to be satisfied with your husband. Never compare him with others, last,
but not least, do not forget to thank him, the way he likes, for everything that
he does for you and the unit.
Keep in mind that man is basically polygamous and you have to fulfill his
need for polygamy as well, keeping him attracted to you monogamously. So
you have to give him some thing new fresh and different every time.
Feel free to use your creative imagination to make him attracted towards
you. Remember also that a ripe fruit is juicier than a raw one. With the
maturity of your years you have ripened to that stage. So don’t get dried up
with depressions, anxieties and envies. Try to do everything to maintain and
keep you as attractive as possible. Remember that variety is the spice of life
and you can go on adding different spices to make your life more tasteful,
unusual and novel, and fresh all time, your maturity, expressed by your own
submission for his sake, will also make him mature enough to react in the
same way. You don’t have to wait for him, initiate things yourself and yield.
Remain a challenge to him; keep something in suspense for next time.
You can imagine various permutations and combinations within yourself to
remain a challenge to your husband; something new he has to conquer and
attempt to get every time.
For husband: -
She needs your love – sincere love – security, admiration and constant
advice. She feels better in following the leader, but are you providing the
leadership to her?
Her needs are: -
1) She has a need to be the most important person in your life.
2) She needs to share intimate moments with you and
needs your comforting.
3) Open, frank and effective communication is yet another need.
4) She needs as much admiration and praise as you do. Her freedom is as
important to her as your freedom is to you.
5) She needs your strong muscles and will power to defend her.
6) She has a need to make you a good example to her children, and to
feel that she was right to have married you.

31
7) She needs her opinions to be valued by you and not to be thrown into
the dustbin without consideration.
8) She needs to share your life – each and every aspect of it, the
physical, emotional and social.
9) She needs you to respect her family as much as you.
10) She needs consistency between your words and behavior as much
you do in hers.
11) She needs a sympathetic approach to her problems from you, not just
your sympathy.
12) She needs your mature guidance for herself and your children.
13) She needs verbal and non-verbal expression of lover – in actions,
postures and gestures.
14) She needs your sincerity and the security that you will not abandon
her. This will allow her to grow in the feeling that she is protected in the way
we all long for.
15) Long-term friendship is what she wants. Even if she cannot have you
as her best friend, you can at least be her friend.
16) She needs a promise from you that you will be hers for the rest of her
life.
To satisfy her, if you can observe the following points of behavior it will
help in building up a good relationship:
1. Let her feel that she is important to you.
2. Express your genuine love for her.
3. Open new avenues for effective communications.
4. Convey to her your real feelings about her without pretending love, then
will give her the chance to have a look at herself and know herself,
probably your biggest contribution for her development and maturity.
5. Offer her your shoulder when she needs it rather than lecturing her most
of the time.
6. In the first stage learn to share your feelings through love, warmth,
sympathy and all your sincerity. So also learn to create curiosity in her.

For the couple:


Our ‘ego’ is our worst enemy and has to be dropped in order to activate
what is called friendship
Start with bedtime talks 15 to 20 minutes every day. No arguments,
no comments, no criticisms and no lecturing; but be positive and
compassionate to each other; welcome and encourage communication. Mutual
agreement is better than fights. This does not mean that you have to suppress
your feelings, rather learn to communicate as adults with maturity.
If love and understanding form the basis of marriage then it helps the
couple to face catastrophes and calamities together.
Never make a final decision, which affects the other unless he/she
also has agreed to it.
Humor is essential to life.

32
Persons differ and so do personalities. As understanding occurs,
personalities do not clash. The companionship is possible if you try to
understand each other’s personality and be able to give due concession.
Have a second thought before vomiting out words, which may
injure the other.
Stiffness and frigidness of personality is very detrimental for any
relationship and more so in a marital relationship.
Conditioning is an important factor in personality formation. A non-
permissive, orthodox upbringing does not allow the child to develop a ‘letting
go’ attitude towards life. He becomes rather over cautious in routine dealings
and thus become rigid with such negative conditioning one loses spontaneity
and clarity and remains in a state of confusion and develops many conflicts and
complexes. He cannot decide whether to give or not to give; doubts and fears
add to it and the personality gets stiffer.
Stiffness, we all know, lead to a break. So knowing that one is heading
towards a break why would one will remain stiff? You are free to make a choice
and if, knowing the choices, you choose to remain stiff, nobody can help. Why
the fear of giving-up the rigidity and adopting flexibility? Ask yourself this
sincerely and with all seriousness. Is it fear of losing yourself? Is it fear of the
death of the “I”? Yes, that is it- and that is something needed in the
development of any relationship.
Generally, the people who give importance to values rather than
understanding the purpose of values, like orthodoxy, religious (not
philosophical), traditional people, will show the tendency of stiffness
and rigidity lest they fear they will lose their personality; but whereas
the people who follow such values after getting convinced will have the
tendency of flexibility but strong self-confidence and will-power; however the
stiff people may also have will power but definitely not the both.
Start doing little favors without expecting any returns and you will
see the changes in the other. Always care without self-interest will win
definitely but the most important requisites for this are patience and
dedication.
If we consider the ‘love’ as the heart of marriage, then the vital
part of the heart is ‘intimacy’. Intimacy can be defined as a process in which
two caring people share as freely as possible in the exchange of feelings,
thoughts, and actions. As we will use the term in this discussion, intimacy is
generally marked by a mutual sense of acceptance, commitment, tenderness,
and trust. A number of psychologists have stressed that a person’s ability to
form intimate relationships with others depends on having a firm sense of self
based on realistic self-knowledge and a reasonable degree of self-acceptance.
Such self-awareness helps us identify our needs and feelings and thus enables
us to share them with others. Self-acceptance is also an important building
block for inter-personal intimacy because it allows people to be themselves
without pretending to be something other than who and what they are.
In order to better understand the process of intimacy, we will examine its
basic components: - caring, sharing, trust, commitment, honesty,
empathy, and tenderness. Caring is an attitude or feeling you have for
another person which is generally related to the intensity of your positive
feelings towards them the sharing of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that
accompanies the growth of intimacy in order to learn about each other requires
spending time together without the ordinary barriers with which people protect
their privacy.

33
Research has shown that people who share mutually rewarding
experiences are most likely to develop and sustain a warm, caring relationship.
Indeed maintaining an identity independent of an intimate relationship is also
important to the longevity of the relationship. Trust also develops over time,
another component of intimacy, commitment, is generally outgrowth of the
caring, sharing and trust that develop in the early stages of an intimate
relationship. Commitment requires both partners to work willingly to maintain
their intimacy through periods of crisis, boredom, frustration, and fatigue, as
well as through times of joy, prosperity, and excitement. Commitment that is
backed up by an ingredient for a durable future, honesty is another necessary
part of intimacy, although total honesty in the sense of full self-disclosure is
not necessarily good for a relationship. Empathy is the ability to understand
and relate to another person’s feelings and point of view; such empathy
enables each person in an intimate relationship to act in ways that support and
help the other and to avoid or limit destructive irritating, or alienating
attitudes. One of the most neglected aspects of intimacy is the expression of
messages, which can be achieved by spoken messages or by physical contact
(e.g. hugging, cuddling, holding hands), as well as by direct behavior.
Here is the list of common reasons for difficulty in initiating or
maintaining intimate relations:
1.Shyness: - shy people often long for intimacy and companionship in
their lives, but they seem unwilling or unable to take the risks necessary to
overcome their shyness.
2.Aggressiveness: - toning down aggressive language and behavior can
improve a person’s chances of intimacy.
3.Self-Centeredness: - we all know people who insist on being center-
stage all the time, who ignore the needs of others (not out of malice but
because of lack of awareness), who monopolies conversations, and who are
generally unwilling to do what a partner wants unless it coincides with their
own needs.
4. Selfishness: - selfish people are often manipulative and try to gain a
tactical advantage over others to get their own way.
5. Lack of empathy: - empathetic people do not just sympathies with
the feelings and needs of others, they try to respond to these feelings and
needs as well.
6.Conflicting and unrealistic expectations: - many people are so
idealistic about intimacy that they expect the impossible, creating a situation
that frequently leads to disappointment, frustration, or possibly, to giving up.
Another common problem people have in interpersonal relations is the
fear of intimacy. People with such fear are typically anxious about intimacy
because of distrust, fear of rejection, and fear of losing control, others
construct a buffer against the demands of the relationship and thus calm their
fears by depleting the intimacy under control. Sometimes such a fear reflects
traumatic relations with parents during early childhood; in other cases it
develops after a painful experience in an intimate relationship in which a
person was not only hurt but also intensely disappointed. In the final analysis,
it is exactly the complexity of intimacy that gives intimacy its greatest value.
Either partner may better or the best, in a trait and the other partner,
instead of enjoying or dominating, or envying over it, should accept it and
make use of it for the benefit of the unit.

34
Such potentiality should not give way for egoism within marriage. So also
the other partner should not exploit it but rather help for the personality
development or both make use of it to the advantage of the unit or for helping
others outside their marriage, or family.
The couple should understand each other’s needs, desires, ambitions,
values and characteristics; accept them as it is as a package; thereafter slowly
and lovingly try to rectify the negative points in those five in each other to the
advantage of marriage but not to the tune, or advantage, of self. Absolute
understanding is possible through: - love, communication, flexibility and
compatibility, security of respect and care, togetherness and intimacy.
Now we will see the need to give and receive emotional support. In the
offing, when the physical needs for survival and security are generally fulfilled,
relationships take on a new orientation; the emotional needs take precedence.
When a relationship undergoes the shift from being physically based to being
emotionally oriented, a couple needs to know it is inevitable that new problems
will come up, the old ways of relating to each other will not be satisfactory or
fulfilling.
Because women are generally more conscious of their emotional needs,
the woman is first to experience a lack of fulfillment, but he thinks that having
achieved financial property, he has completed his job: these problems cannot
be avoided. If the two understand and accept that this is inevitable, then they
will not be as resentful of each other.
In fact, they will not question the relationship, instead they will question
their old styles of relating and communicating; rather than changing partners,
they can focus their energies on improving their abilities to give and receive
emotional support.
There are seven basic emotional needs or attitudes that are essential
to creating a truly loving, and emotionally supportive relationship. They are:
love, caring, understanding, respect, acceptance, and trust.
1. Love: on a mental level, love is expressed through understanding, on an
emotional level, love is expressed thro’ empathy; on physical level, love is
expressed thro’ touch.
2. Caring: a caring attitude acknowledges one’s felt responsibility to respond
to the needs of another, to care is to show deep interest or heartfelt
concern for another’s well-being. Caring is also an acknowledgement of
that which is important to a person. Caring for a person validates that he
or she is special.
3. Understanding: an understanding attitude validates the meaning of a
statement, feeling, or situation. It does not presume to know all the
answers already. An understanding attitude starts from not knowing,
gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is
being communicated. Through understanding we are able to see the world
through another person’s eyes.
4. Respect: a respectful attitude acknowledges another person’s rights,
wishes, and needs. It yields to another’s wishes and needs, not out of fear,
but through acknowledging their validity. Respect acknowledges the value
and importance of which a person is, as well as their needs. Respect is the
attitude that motivates one to truly serve another because he or she
deserves it.

35
5. Appreciation: an appreciative attitude acknowledges the value of
another’s efforts or behavior, it recognizes that the expression of another
person’s being or behavior has enriched the well-being of the appreciator.
Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. Appreciation
inspires us to give back to others with a feeling of fullness and joy.
Appreciation acknowledges that we have benefited from the gift offered to
us.
6. Acceptance: an accepting attitude acknowledges that another’s being
or behavior is received willingly. It does not reject, but rather affirms that
the other person is being favorably received. Indeed, acceptance is
accompanied by a sense of gratitude for what we have received. It is not a
passive, overlooking, or slightly disapproving attitude. To accept a person
means to validate that they are enough for you. it does not mean that you
think they could not improve; it indicates that you are not trying to
improve them. Acceptance is the attitude that forgives another’s mistakes.
7. Trust: a trusting attitude acknowledges the positive qualities of another’s
character, such as honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, and sincerity.
When trust is absent, people commonly jump to negative and wrong
conclusions regarding a person’s intent. Trust gives every offence the
benefit of doubt; taken granted that there must be some good explanation
for why it happened. Trust grows in a relationship when each partner
recognizes that the other never intends to hurt. To approach one’s partner
with trust is to believe that they are able and willing to support.
It has been stated above that the romance kills the marriage. Actually it
means that the romantic love should not be primary in the marital relationship.
That means: the romantic love should give way for companionate love as the
primary bondage in the marital relationship. However the romance, or
romantic, as a subsidiary in marriage works very well.
Why romance works: - when a man takes responsibility to take care of
things, it allows a woman to relax and enjoy feeling taken care of. It is like a
mini vacation that assists her to come back to her female side. A man’s
romantic behavior says repeatedly that he acknowledges her, and by
anticipating her needs, he signals that he understands and respects her.
Why romance is important: - romance clearly places the woman in the
feminine role of being special and cared for, when a man passionately focuses
on fulfilling her needs, she is able to release her tendency to take care of
others.
Romance and communication: - talking is a major feminine need. With
the support of romance, communication is much easier.

Creating romantic rituals


in a relationship between husband and wife, they have several rituals that
nurture her female side while supporting his male’s side. Romantic rituals are
simple actions that acknowledge he cares about her and she appreciates him.
Some of the rituals are:
• It is more romantic if the man offers to give the hug.
• Acknowledge her when she seems distant; for example, when
argument starts, understand her feelings, and corresponding
positive action expressing understanding her true feeling and
expressing your love thro’ action.

36
• Eating out: - another little ritual while eating out is for the man to
ask the woman what she is going to order and then order it for her
when the waiter arrives. When he orders for her, it does not imply
that she can’t order for herself; rather it gives her the message
that he is attentive to her, he remembers what she likes, and he
cares.
• Focusing good: - on her part, she always deal with the positive
aspects of the enjoyment, or trip, or food, etc when her husband
takes her out, so that he should feel the appreciation, which is his
one of the basic needs for his fulfillment; as such he will be
encouraged to take her out more.
• Telling the truth in a relationship is essential for intimacy and
romance to thrive, but timing is equally important.

Why talking helps romance: - men need to feel needed and


appreciated. This is their primary emotional fuel. Although women are no
longer as dependent on men as providers and protectors nowadays, women
today need to communicate and feel heard at the end of the day. Just as sex
connects a man to his feelings, communication connects a woman to her need
for and appreciation of romance.
Romantic rituals or habits are ways the truth of your deepest feelings can
be easily expressed: opening the car is another of those rituals; going for a
walk together is a ritual. These kinds of little rituals are particularly important
for women because they give them an inner sense of security that they will get
the special emotional support they need from a relationship to cope with the
stress of daily life.
A woman particularly appreciates it when a man is happily willing to do
something he really doesn’t want to do.
Helping dishes is not only a ritual, but also doing dishes is great foreplay.
Another little ritual is to compliment a woman whenever she has dressed up,
wears something different, or in any way seems to have put some effort into
how she looks. In fact, a man reaching out to touch or hold hands is a turn-on
for women.
All these romantic rituals are simple but powerful. They assist us in
reconnecting with those very special feelings of attraction and passion that we
can only feel when we are emotionally connected. These rituals ensure that the
man can always do something to win his partner’s love, and the woman can get
the special attention and support she needs to stay passionately attracted to
her partner.
Lastly, when we study and analyze the concept of marriage, we arrive at
the core of the creation of the concept as the concept of marriage is conceived
and framed by society basically for the care of the consequence of human
sexual relationship and also for mutuality. Here the fundamental, basic and
love factor/aspect of the marriage is ‘care’. Whether it is called by love, or
mutuality, or contract, or etc, but basically the concept of marriage is derived
for and the system of marriage is maintained by this factor viz. CARE.

37
Psychological Complementary In Marriage
Man and woman are complementary to each other by nature, and, in
fact, this is the exact basis for the existence of system of marriage. Therefore,
it is very pertinent to understand the natural psychological complementary
natures of the opposite sex, so that understanding these natural traits and
empathetically adjusting to these different attitudes and approaches, and
strange reactions will pave way for sailing by lifeboat smoothly in the ocean of
marriage.
In marriage, man requires physiological and psychological care whereas
woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need,
and for woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and
psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman
expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for
protection and security.
For any marriage to thrive, satisfaction becomes primarily important in
marriage. We know that one’s satisfaction is on account of the fulfillment of
the one’s expectations. One forms expectations based on his primary needs
and personal values.
It may be easier to understand the primary physical needs
of one’s partner in marriage, but it is definitely difficult to understand the
primary psychological primary needs of the partner. Usually problems arise in
marriage, in spite of love between them, because of not understanding the
difference in psychological primary needs between man and woman.
Man, or woman, in marriage tries to satisfy one’s partner’s psychological
needs in the same terms of one’s own gender, and becomes dismayed to see
dissatisfaction of the other in spite of his, or her, best efforts.
This sort of frustration which usually happens in marital life can be
avoided and satisfaction, satiation and happiness can be made ruling terms in
their marriage provided one understands the difference in the psychological
needs between man and woman, and try to adapt to the atmosphere in
his/her marital life which is different from her/his hitherto brought-up life
before one’s marriage. Therefore, we will start with the different psychological
needs between man and woman in marriage.
Men and women generally are aware that they have different emotional
needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other.
Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what
women want.
Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires.
As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful. Practically, both men
and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is
unacknowledged and unappreciated.
The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner. For
example, a woman thinks she is being loved when she asks a lot of caring
question or expresses concern; this can be very annoying to a man. He may
start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused. Because if she were
offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to love are
at best ignored and at worst annoying.

38
Similarly, men think they are being loved, but the way they express their
love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when
a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making
comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say don’t
worry; it is not such a big deal.” Or he may completely ignore her, assuming
he is giving her a lot of “space” to cool off and go into her cave. What he
thinks is support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.
When a woman is upset she needs to be heard and understood. Without
this insight into different male and female needs, a man doesn’t understand
why his attempts to help fail.
Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for
love. Men and women each have six unique emotionally supporting needs that
are all equally important. Men primarily need trust acceptance, appreciation,
admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily need caring,
understanding respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous
talk of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through
understanding these twelve different kinds of emotional supports. By
reviewing this list you can easily see why your partner may not feel loved. And
most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships
with the opposite sex when you don’t know what else to do.
Here are the different kinds of emotional supports for love listed
side by side:
Women to receive Men to receive
1) Caring - Trust
2) Understanding - Acceptance
3) Respect - Appreciation
4) Devotion - Admiration
5) Validation - Approval
6) Reassurance - Encouragement
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of
love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does
not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring,
understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance.
What is meant by “primary need” is that fulfilling a primary need is
required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of
love.
A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love
primarily needed by women when his own primary needs are first fulfilled.
Likewise, a woman needs trust, acceptance, etc., but before she can truly
value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be
fulfilled
Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs
is a powerful secret for improving relationships on earth.
Remembering that men are different will help you remember and accept
that men have different primary love needs. It is easy for a woman to give
what she needs and forget that her favorite man may need something else.

39
Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that
the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their
favorite women.
The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love
is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a man
expresses his caring and understanding, a woman automatically begins to
reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily
needs. The same thing happens when a woman expresses her trust – a man
automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.
In the following, we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms
and reveal their reciprocal nature.

1. She needs caring and he needs trust.


When a man shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern
for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for When he makes her feel
special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need.
Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more
open and receptive.
When a woman’s attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels
trusted. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he
wants the best for his partner. When a woman’s reactions reveal a positive
belief in her man stabilities and intentions, his first primary love need is
fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and
needs.

2. She needs understanding and he needs acceptance.


When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness
to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An
understanding attitude doesn’t presume to already know a persona’s thoughts
or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward
validating what is being communicated. The more a woman’s need to be heard
and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the
acceptance he needs.
When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he
feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is
being favorably received. It does not mean the woman believes he is perfect
but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to
make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for
him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

3. She needs respect and he needs appreciation.


When a man resends to a woman in a way that acknowledges
and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When
his behavior takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to
feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respects, like flowers and
remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman’s third primary
love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man
the appreciation that he deserves.

40
When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value
from a man’s efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the
natural reaction to being supported. When a man is appreciated he knows his
effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more. When a man is
appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his
partner more.

4.She needs devotion and he needs admiration.


When a man gives priority to a woman’s needs and proudly
commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need
is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfils
her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more
important than his other interests-like work, study, and recreation. When a
woman feels that she is number one in his life, then quite easily she admires
him.
Just as a woman needs to feel a man’s devotion, a man has primary
need to feel a woman’s admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with
wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is
happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may
include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness,
love, understanding, and other so-called old-fashioned virtues. When a man
feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and
adore her.

5.She needs validation and he needs approval.


When a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings and
wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels
loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A man’s validating attitude
confirms a woman’s right to feel the way she does. (It is important to
remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of
view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this
validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily
needs.
Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman’s hero or knight in
shining amour. The signal that he has passed her tents is her approval.
A woman’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and
expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a
man doesn’t always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude
recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he
receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her
feelings.

6. She needs reassurance and he needs encouragement.


When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands respects,
validates, and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is
fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved. A
man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of
a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she
should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her
sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.

41
Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman.
A woman’s encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by
expressing confidence in his abilities and character.
When a woman’s attitude expresses thrust, acceptance,
appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all
that he can be.
Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that
she needs. The best comes out in a man when his six primary love needs are
fulfilled. But when a woman doesn’t know what he primarily needs and gives a
caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their
relationship. The story stated in the following pares exemplifies this point.
Keep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More
than any thing, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the
woman he loves.
When he feels trusted, he is able to fit into this noble part of himself. He
becomes more caring. When he doesn’t feel trusted he loses some of his
aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring. This is the theme
of the story you find below.
Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside.
Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes
alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where a dragon
traps her. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon; as a
result, the princess lovingly receives him. As the gates open he is welcomed
and celebrated by the family of the princess and the town people. He is invited
to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in
love.
A month later, the noble knight goes off on another trip, on his way back,
he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked
the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.
Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower” don’t use your sword,
use this noose, It will work better” She throws him the noose and motions to
him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He
wraps it around the dragon’s neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and
everyone rejoices.
At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn’t really do anything.
Somehow, because he used her noose and didn’t use his sword,
he doesn’t quite feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration. After the event
he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor; likewise twice on the
princess different directions, the knight kills other two dragons, of course
without using his armor which is the symbol of his strength, identity and
individuality.
A month later, when the knight was going out, the princess advised him
to take poison and noose the instruments with which she had asked him to
slain the dragon on the two occasions. The knight also carries the things
unwillingly. On the way, he hears a shrill voice of a girl trying to escape from a
dragon. He goes near the spot and is in confusion whether to follow his
princess’s direction of using poison and noose, or to use his armor on his own.
With a burst of renewed confidence, he throws the princess’s instruments, and
starts fighting with his armor.

42
When eventually, he kills the dragon, he gets a lot of appreciation and
acceptance of his valor and his own attempt and success, make him to stay
there itself marrying the woman without returning to the princess, but only
after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.
Now back to our topic, we shall remember that within every man is a
knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember
a man’s primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and
assistance sometimes, too much of it, so as to affect his own identity, will
lessen his confidence or turn him off. If a woman is smarter and more
intelligent than her husband, keeping the above story in her mind, she should
make her man to take his own decision but in tune with her thinking without
his realization of this fact; otherwise, allow him to take his own decision but in
the interest of the family/marriage, but without poking her egoism in the
affairs so as to the relationship getting spoiled.
In any inter-personal relationship, approach and attitudes are
very important; especially, in the marital inter-personal relationship, the
approach play very vital role in molding the impressions and the impressions
pave way for developing, or demolishing the marital relationship. Therefore,
any positive approach in marriage with taking the natural love-need into
consideration will always yield beneficial results.
Back to complementary natures, now we will see the secret of
complementary natures. As a man becomes more caring he supports his
partner by becoming more trusting. As a woman becomes more
trusting she supports a man in becoming more caring.
Energy, creativity, and power stem from caring. As a man begins to care
more, he discovers new resources of energy and vitality within himself. One of
the reasons a man can be so caring, considerate, and concerned in the
beginning of a relationship is that a woman looks to him with greater trust,
adoration, and admiration during this time. In a sense, her trust gives him the
power to be more caring. She draws it out of him. She can trust in the
beginning because he has not yet disappointed her. This trust empowers him
but cannot make him perfect. Because he is human he will inevitably let her
down, and she will begin to doubt and mistrust. As she becomes more
mistrustful, he becomes more uncaring.
A woman’s challenge in relationships is to trust and then, when she is
appointed, to be able to appreciate and accept and trust again. Since
childhood, little girls have been nurturers and caretakers, while little boys are
risk-takers. Just as it is difficult for men to learn to care for others, it is
difficult for women to learn to trust. These two primary natures, caring
and trust are in themselves complementary. A woman must be aware of how
difficult it is for a man to respond in a caring way when her reactions say to
him that he is not being trusted.
Likewise, with knowledge of male and female differences it is easier for
her to correctly interpret his detached behavior. She can be more accepting
and forgiving of him when he forgets things or doesn’t think of things that
would come automatically to her. Men with this understanding are better able
to accept a woman’s ongoing need to be reassured. Rather than make her
wrong for it, he can realize that this is a very important way he can support
her in her personal development and happiness.

43
Rather than complain about what they are not getting, they can begin to
focus on what they are not giving their partner; for in giving more, they are
much more likely to receive. Every husband should take personal care of his
wife; and he should understand her feelings and needs without correcting and
fixing.

Understanding and acceptance:


Over time, as he is able to truly understand her feelings and needs, he
can and will make solid changes to build a mutually supportive and
empowering relationship as a man learns to ‘communicate to understand’
rather than to correct or fix, he gradually masters the art of listening; to do
this he must realize that she is asking for some validation for being upset. The
female gender has an incredible capacity to accept imperfection and
incompleteness if their feelings can be fully expressed, heard, and validated.
A woman’s acceptance of imperfection can be one of man’s most refreshing
experiences. Most men have no idea that they have the power to draw this
kind of support from a woman, through learning to cultivate her
inner acceptance, a woman ensures that her man will be more motivated and
capable of hearing and understanding her. As women learn to accept their
men without trying to change them, slowly but surely men will become more
understanding of a woman’s unique needs and want to give more; and as men
learn to understand women, they will begin to experience the incredible
capacity that women have to forgive mistakes and accept a man just as he is.

Respect and appreciation:


To respect a woman’s rights, a man needs to honor her differences. She
deserves the right to be imperfect and overreact at times without it being a
major offence to him. Respecting her means knowing that she will have her
times when she is overwhelmed or confused, and that she deserves his
support when that happens. Respecting her rights calls for including her in all
decisions that will affect her in some significant way. Respecting a woman
involves taking the time to learn her special needs. Respecting a woman also
means to support her in fulfilling her dreams and aspirations. Feeling special is
one of a woman’s most important needs. Commitment and sexual monogamy
are probably the most powerful and basic ways a man respects femininity. In
return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not feel a
compulsion to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel his equal.
Appreciating a man means doing all she can to make his life easier in return.
When a woman appreciates a man, she desires him sexually and takes time to
make herself attractive to him. Ina sense she treats him like a royal guest in
her palace. She makes an effort to communicate her feelings and needs before
resentment can build up. Appreciation prompts her to let him know that when
she is upset or overwhelmed, it is not his fault. Appreciating a man means
feeling genuine joy that this man is in her life. An appreciative woman refrains
from expressing critical opinions unless her partner asks for this. Appreciating
a man calls for actually receiving his support so that she doesn’t become
overly tired.
The benefit of loving:
Through learning to cultivate our primary natures, ensure that we are
able to give and receive more support in our relationships.

44
When a man is not getting the support he wants, the first question he
must ask is how can he be more caring, empathetic; understanding,
validating, respectful, considerate, and compassionate. These seven qualities,
the rainbow of his primary nature, spring from the three primary qualities of
caring, understanding, and respect. It is important to recognize that by
developing these traits he is not just being supportive of his female partner;
he directly benefits as well. Through expressing and developing these loving
qualities, combined with his basic masculine programming, he will become
balanced and powerful. A man’s most effective tool to de-stress and find his
power is to act, think, or decide with a caring, understanding, and respectful
attitude.
When a woman practices loving her man with increasing appreciation,
acceptance, and trust, not only does he benefit but she directly benefits.
Trusting allows her to contact her inner source of power and self-esteem. In
trusting, accepting, and appreciating, a woman gains the power to fully enjoy
and delight in her life. As she gives love in this most important and difficult
way, she begins to express the full spectrum of positive feelings that most
fully support a man. They are trust, approval, acceptance, recognition,
appreciation, acknowledgement, and admiration. When a woman can feel
these attitudes, a man feels graced by her love.
A woman is most fulfilled when her needs are met, while a man is
fulfilled primarily through being successful in fulfilling her.
In marriage man requires physiological care whereas woman
requires emotional and sentimental care.
To be very precise, in marriage, for man, woman is a need, and for a
woman, man is security. Man expects support of physiological and
psychological care with personal attention from his woman; and woman
expects emotional and sentimental absorption and wants to possess him for
protection and security. If we view the basis for such attitudes of a gender
with another gender, we come across the principle: attraction for utilization is
the motto of woman folk; and impress to achieve is the goal of manhood in
any interaction between the opposite sex not connected by affection. Quite
interesting differences with man and woman in their attitudes within marriage
are: -
Ø In society point of view, in marriage, the wife is expected to change in
tune with his social values; whereas in privacy, in marriage, she tries to
change his behavior.
Ø He can criticize her and advise her in the society point of view;
whereas, within marriage she gives unsolicited advice and adopts criticism in
privacy.
Ø In stress and tension, man focuses and woman is overwhelmed and
expands; whereas in psychological feelings like sex, woman focuses and man
expands.
Ø Outside sex, men are motivated when they feel needed and women
are motivated when they feel cared for and respected; in sex, men get
satisfaction when they are card for and his organ is respected, and women feel
motivated when they needed.
When we deal with the basic traits, we find: woman’s thinking is
expanding but man’s is purpose-oriented; similarly their respective talking also
prevails.

45
A woman’s attitude is empathetic whereas the man’s is self-
oriented. Woman’s communication is for sharing whereas the man’s is for
solving.
There are basically two kinds of interest: active and receptive.
Active interest is what we feel when we have a goal in mind: it motivates
action to achieve a goal, thrives on achievement, and comes from a place of
desire and confidence. Active interest wants to serve, while receptive interest
wants to be served.
Receptive interest is what we feel when we are openly considering the
value of what is being offered: it is motivated to create opportunities to
receive, thrives in response to support, and comes from a place of preference
and worthiness. A woman’s receptive interest is the fertile ground where the
seed of a man’s interest can grow.
The way a woman makes him feel good is by creating opportunities for
him to succeed in truly fulfilling her needs. A man thrives when a woman is
receptive to his interest and his attempts to interest, impress, and fulfill her.
Her receptivity is her gift to him. Being successful in the pursuit is as much fun
for him as it is fun for a woman to feel that someone she likes is trying to
make her happy. Flirting is very exciting to men because it compliments their
ability to make a woman happy.
How men pursue: - women enjoy it most when a man takes the risk to
impress her rather than waiting for her to do something to impress him. Men
like to talk about what they do or have done, while women particularly like to
talk about settings, relationships, and situations. Men feel most complimented
when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and
appreciated.
How to compliment a woman: - instead of focusing on what a woman
does or how she makes him feel, he should ideally focus on finding positive
adjectives and nouns to describe her directly. A woman will feel most attracted
to a man when he makes his compliments personal and direct, while a man
will feel most attracted to a woman when her compliments are less direct and
more about how she feels in response to what he has done, thought, decided,
or provided. Women will appreciate any sincere compliment, but when a man
puts a little more thought into his words she will like it more; the more special
the adjective, the more special she feels. The easiest way for him to
experience her receptivity and responsiveness is for her to acknowledge and
appreciate what he has provided.
Life for men and women: - every man instinctively knows that his
success is based on three things: his competence, his ability to let others
know how competent he is, and the opportunity to serve. Every woman
instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things:
the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving
relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.
Power of attraction: - The ultimate golden principle of attraction between
man and woman is: a man is most attracted to a woman when she makes him
feel masculine, in a similar manner, a woman is most attracted to a man when
his presence makes her feel feminine. When a woman comes from her manly
nature/side, she can certainly make she certainly make a man feel good, but
she can never really bring out the best in him. It is only when she takes the
time and has the awareness to develop and express her attributes from
womanhood that she can bring out the manliness in him.

46
When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally
embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is self-assured,
receptive, and responsive. When a man expresses his masculine presence he
is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is
confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a
woman most attracted to him. In fact, particularly, when a woman has to be
manly at work, it is even more important than ever to come home to a
relationship that makes her feel more feminine; this is an additional
responsible burden on her husband to make her feel feminine at home.
With regard to turn on her partner, it is pertinent for the woman to give
opportunity to win her love; because whenever a woman tries to win
a man’s love, she will lose. Winning is the man’s happiness, therefore make
your man take initiative and efforts to win your love, and as long as he is
making progress in this direction, he is happy.
What makes men to love: - from his perspective, her difference from him
makes her very attractive. Through being authentic, she can let her feminine
radiance shine and he is drawn to her like a moth to the flame. The second
attribute that makes a woman most attractive is receptivity. A receptive
woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. When a
woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being
receptive and becomes accommodating; instead of allowing a man to please
her, she tries to please him: in this way she compromises her position. The
third attribute that makes a woman most attractive is responsiveness. A man
loves a woman with a smile. A man loves to feel he can make a difference. A
man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages
that he can make her happy. A man judges his success in a relationship by the
positive responses that he gets. When she is not pleased she can simply give a
zero response. The absence of a positive response will be a clear message to a
man that he didn’t succeed.
Now turn-off: - a man thrives when he feels that he does not have to
give, but that he chooses to give; he wants to give because he cares and it
makes a woman so happy, not because he owes her. Therefore expectations
are a turnoff. Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free
to be different. In return, he will become very interested and give her the
respect she deserves, acknowledging that she is unique and different. Having
positive and open attitude about our differences causes men and women to be
more attractive to each other.
Woman loves man with a plan: - what makes a man most attractive to a
woman is his ability to make her feel like a woman. When a man makes a
woman feel feminine, her femininity is actually awakened, switched on, or, as
we commonly say, turned on.
When a woman is turned on by a man’s presence, it brings out the best
in her and as a result she is attracted to him. What allows a man to bring out
the best in a woman can be summarized on one expression: masculine
presence. She is most attracted to him when he is confident, purposeful, and
responsible. These three attributes make a woman feel more self-assured,
receptive, and responsive to him. A woman can sense when a man is
confident. She automatically begins to relax and feel assured that she will get
what she needs. Confidence is a can-do attitude. A confident attitude
reassures a woman that everything will be all right. Women love a man with a
plan. A woman doesn’t like it when a man is too dependent on her for
direction.

47
So also a man with a purpose is most attractive to a woman. Similarly,
woman loves a man with future. In a relationship a man’s purpose is to
provide support for the woman and receive her love in return. Moreover, when
a man does what he says he will do, he automatically expresses a sense of
responsibility, he radiates a sense of confidence that he will do what he sets
out to do. When a man is responsible, it says he cares, and that is what
women are most hungry for.
A woman begins to feel responsible for doing everything for everyone.
Her way of getting relief is to share these feelings with someone she loves. If
she can share, something happens inside her and she doesn’t feel so
responsible. It is as if she sees all possible problems and unless she tells
someone, she feels it is all up to her.
Having gone through the needs and the difference in needs between man
and woman, now we will turn our attention on the primary differences
between men and women.
Women expand and men contract: - a woman’s greatest challenge in a
relationship is to maintain her sense of self while she is expanding to serve the
needs of others. In a complementary way, a man’s biggest difficulty is to
overcome his tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centered. This explains
why men are often frustrated in communicating with women. Women are apt
to expand with a topic, while men want them to get to the point. For women,
sharing is a potent process of self-discovery. A man who understands this
difference is able to nurture and support a woman through non-judgmental
listening.
Automatic focusing is an example of the masculine, centripetal force. It
restricts or contracts awareness in order to increase focus. A woman falsely
assumes that if a man loves her, he will expand, which is her normal reaction.
She needs to understand that the way a man reacts has to do with his
inherent balance of masculine and feminine forces, and is not a measure of his
love. A woman who understands this will not feel so resentful when a man
ignores her, but will apply skills to get his attention when she needs it. Just as
a man under stress appears outgiving or uncaring because he contracts, a
woman appears unreceptive or unsupportable because she expands. To find
greater balance within ourselves, we are naturally attracted to those qualities
and characteristics that complement or balance what we have already
developed. This is one of the secrets in understanding the chemistry of
attraction between men and women. By loving and respecting our differences
we ourselves gain balance.
Through loving her, he discovers within himself his own feminine
qualities; and as she loves him, her masculine qualities begin to be felt. This
paradox is integral to any loving and passionate relationship. But through our
inner potential to be like them we are able tolerate and have the possibility of
intimacy, communication, and closeness. Without some differences there can
be no relating; without some similarities there can be no joining. When the
independent type f woman begins a relationship with a sensitive man, after
some time he suppressed female side begins to emerge. To whatever extent
she has rejected her female side she will tend to reject her partner. She may
begin to fee, “I need a real man” when in fact she needs to accept and
develop her own female side, which he has already developed.
Macho man: - generally, a macho man is drawn to a woman because
she reflects parts of his undeveloped feminine side. His loving union with her
facilitates the emergence of his own feminine side. To whatever extent his
past conditioning has rejected his own feminine qualities, as they begin to
emerge he will begin to reject her.

48
This inner resistance to his emerging feminine side is happening
unconsciously. To overcome his inner resistance, the macho man needs to
practice: respecting feminine qualities, values, and needs. Learning to listen to
women with respect, caring, and understanding, and then patiently learning to
accept his own feelings will help him to overcome the occasional resistance
produced by early childhood conditioning. Compassion and empathy for
women and children will emerge as he takes the time to understand what
women rally feel. He may even need to do some healing with his mother.
Remember, before judging a woman he should try walking a mile in her high-
heel shoes
Martyr woman: - in adulthood when she loves a man, her masculine
side will begin to emerge. All of the negative judgments toward her own
masculinity get projected onto her partner. To overcome her inner resistance,
the martyr woman needs to proactive being autonomous and assertive.
She needs, above all, to practice asking for support, and to gibe up
expecting men to anticipate her needs just as she does for them she needs
to honor and heal the repressed feelings of anger and resentment stored up
from her past. She generally needs to do some healing with her father.
Sensitive man; -as this sensitive type man gets closer to a woman, his
repressed masculine qualities begin to emerge into consciousness. When a
man has repressed his masculinity, he is generally attracted to women who
have already developed those qualities. Again the union of opposites creates
passion, but as his male energies begin to emerge a shift takes place. Due to
negative conditioning surrounding masculinity, aggression, assertiveness,
power, etc., he will begin to experience an inner resistance. This resistance
gets projected onto his partner. He should rely less on his feelings and more
on his mind to make decisions. To strengthen his masculinity, the sensitive
man can do more things with men, hang out with men, see action movies, or
participate in some competitive sport.
Independent woman: - through persistent sharing of her feminine
feelings she will overcome her shame and embarrassment around being
feminine, and learn to respect her feminine qualities as she already values her
masculine side.
A relationship that sustains the magic of love is one in which
we don’t try to change the other nor deny ourselves. Through understanding
our complementary differences we realize the tendency to mould our partners
into our own image. We are also able to accept and appreciate our own
uniqueness without judgment, shame, or guilt. A relationship blossoms, and
attraction is sustained when we can both support our partners in being
themselves and create support for being ourselves. Just as we must learn how
to give support according to our partner's unique needs, we must also learn
how to receive support without giving up who we are. Learning to appreciate
and respect our differences is essential if we are to have mutually supportive
relationships. It is this growing love and respect of our differences that
supports us through the inevitable periods of resistance, resentment, and
rejection.
While dealing with the primary differences, now we will see how men and
women see the world differently.
Feminine open awareness perceives how we are interrelated; women
naturally take a greater interest in love, relationships, communication sharing
Cupertino, intuition, harmony.

49
Likewise, because masculine focused awareness perceives how
parts make up a whole, men have a greater interest in producing results,
achieving goals, power, competition, work, logic, and
efficiency. Woman’s thinking is expanding but man’s is purpose oriented,
similarly their respective talk is also so. To understand this theory of difference
of expanding and focusing between woman and man clearly, we will see two
examples below.
Purse and wallet: - Contrasts in how men and women confront the world
are most visually apparent when we compare a woman’s purse with
a man’s wallet. Women carry large, heavy bags, while men carry lightweight,
plain black or brown wallets that are designed to carry only the bare
essentials. One can never be too sure what one will find when looking into
woman’s purpose; she has everything she could need and carries it with her
wherever she goes. To a woman, her purse is her security blanket, a trusted
friend, and an important part of her self. Ironically, when she is being escorted
to a grand ball she will leave this purse at home; she feels so special and so
supported that she doesn’t need the security of her purse.
Entering room: - men and women will tend to enter a room differently.
A man will walk into the room, pick a spot, move to it, then look out to one
thing, then another, and yet another, until he gradually builds a picture of his
environment. His innate tendency will be to first focus, and then expand and
open. Whereas a woman, in contrast, will walk into the same room and in a
quick glance, notice lots of things almost simultaneously. In a sense, she will
take in the entire room before she is concerned about where her spot will be.
Then, when she has a picture of the whole environment, she will find a spot in
which to settle.
Misinterpreting a woman’s overwhelms: - because women have
open awareness, they are more easily overwhelmed by the needs of others.
Men need to understand that when women are overwhelmed they are not
necessarily trying to accuse or blame; they are just trying to talk about their
problems to order to feel better. Instead, attempt to fix her only makes
matters worse.
Feeling better differently: - women undergoing stress feel better by
talking about their problems and being heard, while men feel better by
prioritizing their problems, focusing on one, and then developing a plan of
action or a solution.
How she offends him: - just as well-intentioned men mistakenly try
to fix women, women tend to misguidedly improve men at those times when a
man talks about what is bothering him.
Men need solutions, women need to share: - men instinctively look
for solutions. When a man has a problem, the first thing he does is to go to
his cave and try to find a solution on his own. When a woman is upset, her
first need is for it is ok to be upset for a while. She needs him to listen to her
feelings without trying to fix her. Through sharing her problems in anon
focused way. She will naturally feel better. Hr feeling of overwhelm will
diminish even if all the problems remain unsolved. A man can relax when a
woman is sharing. Instead of feeling responsible for solving all her problems,
he can simply focus on solving one problem he can fulfill her need for a fully
focused listener, which well help him to feel better even if none of her
problems are solved.

50
Men priorities in the context of achieving their goals, while
women priorities according to the importance of their relationships.
Women need to be reassured again and again that they are loved and
special. Both partners are equally responsible for creating a good relationship.
However, their roles are different. She should remember that he is more easily
distracted from relationship needs by the demands of his work. For
relationships to work, women need to aware of this male vulnerability,
recognize the importance of good communication skills, and persist in
communicating their needs and wishes. They must be willing to ask for
support – and continue to ask. A man’s major responsibility is to counteract
his tendency to be overly focused and strive to be caring, respectful, and
committed to understanding his partner’s feelings and needs, while
maintaining his masculine sense of self. To enrich the relationship,
a woman’s major responsibility is to share her feelings, thoughts, and needs
without secretly harboring resentments, but with a loving, accepting, trusting,
and appreciative attitude. She also must not expect him to meet all her needs,
creating instead many avenues of fulfillment in her life.
Making decisions: - because women are more relationship-oriented,
they tend to include others in the decision-making process. Before a decision
is made, they talk with others, including everyone affected by the decision,
and then finally they reach a conclusion together.
In contrast, men first make a decision on their own, and then are
open to changing it according to feedback from others. First a man makes
his decision privately in his cave, and then he checks it out with others. If his
first conclusion is not accepted, then it is back to the drawing board. Without a
true understanding of these different decision-making styles, conflict,
confusion, and resentment are sure to follow.
Forming opinions: - similar to the decision-making process, men and
women form and express opinions differently. Her style of expression reveals
that she is open to seeing the value or truth in other points in other points of
view. A quickly forms an opinion or conclusion based on what he already
knows; then he tests it out by proclaiming it as if he were absolutely certain.
Through experiencing various reactions to his opinion, he then reassesses its
accuracy. Through understanding our differing styles we can respect and
integrate them both. By forming opinions and then making decisions, truly
balanced men and women understand the creative value of openly sharing
thoughts and feelings, yet they also respect the value of self-reflection and
thinking a problem over before seeking input from others. The intention to be
open to and respectful of our partner’s style of reasoning is very helpful to
avoid conflict.
Living in the promise: - Open awareness is capable of recognizing the
potential of someone or of a situation. When a woman is too open she can fall
in love with a man’s potential. If she lacks focus, she will react today to things
she expects to happen in the future. Men need to feel loved and accepted the
way they are before they can change. Being accepted as one is does not mean
being accepted as one will be. No man can grow and realize his potential with
a woman unless she is real. When a woman lives in the promise, she behaves
to her partner as if she is getting her dreams fulfilled. On an unconscious
level, she is becoming increasingly dissatisfied, frustrated, and disappointed.
Just as women can live in the future, men can live in the past.

51
A man may make his partner happy once and then expect her to stay
fulfilled. Man do something nice and they imagine women will be happy
forever. Like an ostrich that buries its head in the sand, men bury themselves
in work and don’t acknowledge that there are problems in their love life.
Like women, men can also live in the future. When they are richer and
more successful, they imagine, they and their mares will be happy and
fulfilled.
Self-blame versus blaming others: - Another common difference
between men and women is that women tend to blame themselves first while
men first blame others. Focused awareness sees problems as obstacles to
achieving a particular outcome or goal. For this focused perspective, any
obstruction is perceived first with blame. On the other hand, open awareness
sees problems in a larger context – as outcomes that need to be corrected.
From this perspective, a woman is quick to see all the possible ways she could
have done something differently in order to produce a different outcome. Thus
she easily feels responsible and accepts blame.
Of late, the pressure of stress in the present human society is on the
increase. Therefore it has become pertinent to study the difference in
approach and reaction to stress between man and woman. Basically, by
changing the outside objective world, the masculine nature attempts to reduce
stress; and by changing herself, the feminine psyche attempts to reduce
stress. When undesirable things happen to him, to maintain his control he
needs to analyze objectively how his actions are responsible for what
happened and realize what he can do to change things. His objectivity can
then be put to determining what he can do to solve the problem.
In summary, under stress a man needs time and space to find
objective solutions (positive behavior), and a woman need time and
attention to find her subjective solutions (positive attitudes). When they
are unable to give themselves the support they need, they run the risk of
being possessed by their dark sides.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they
cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while
women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.
He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about
problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates
unnecessary friction in out relationships.
The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be; at
such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that
she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he
powerless to release it. However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem,
then he remains stuck in the cave; to get unstuck he is drawn to solving little
problems. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his
mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck.
To expect a man who is his cave instantly to become open,
responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is
upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a
mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings
just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be
rational and logical.

52
A woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping
mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can
begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him.
To increase co-operation both men and women need to
understand each other better.
Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful
but does not always help her alleviate the pain. He needs to understand that
she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported
just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not
feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding
solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing her and being
understood. When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through
talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels
he is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will
pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand
talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These
topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels
she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she
may become upset about more problems.
A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she
is holding him responsible. He does not realize that she if talking to feel better.
If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems
les upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is
asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr. fix-it hat to solve her problems. If
he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself
from attack. If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking
about more problems.
After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. When
she doesn’t feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels
unappreciated. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just
wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn’t have to solve any of
them it can help him to relax and listen.
As men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening
becomes much easier. As a man gets good at listening, he realizes that
listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his as well as bring
a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

Destructive and positive emotions and their consequences: -


When a man reacts to stress from his feminine emotional side he tends
to lose his positive attitudes. When a man experiences his negative emotions
and has lost his objectivity, his emotions become mean, threatening, and
unloving.
A woman, on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily lose her positive
feelings when she becomes angry. She has a greater ability to feel angry while
maintaining a caring and respect for the other person. For woman, approach
through emotions and sentiments are positive but otherwise negative.
For men, approach through resolving is positive but otherwise negative.
A man who does not honor and support his objective reactions automatically
experiences negative and destructive emotions.

53
A woman who doesn’t honor and support her subjective reactions
becomes rigid and pointed in her thinking. As long as a woman is in touch with
her positive feelings and attitudes, her thinking will be clear and flexible. As
long as a man thinking and attitudes are positive, his feelings will be loving
and supportive.
When men lose their objectivity, they move into their dark side; women
move to their dark side when they lose their subjectivity. A woman’s attitude
is empathetic, whereas the man’s is self-centered. So
also, woman’s communication is for sharing whereas the man’s is for solving.

How woman and man changes:


To cope with stress, being subjective in nature, she changes herself
through sharing and expressing her feelings, thoughts, and wishes without
being invalidated. To do this she needs to be heard with caring,
understanding, and respect. But, if she keeps her feelings to herself, she will
be consumed by trying to adjust her behavior and speech to win the love of
others.
From this place of seeking to earn love, she will try to change others to
get the love she needs, but deep inside she is hiding a storehouse of
resentment, mistrust, and dissatisfaction. These negative feelings weaken her
identity and her relationships. Woman’s self-awareness is the basic ingredient
enabling women to change, objective awareness is necessary for a man to
change.
A man feels compelled to change when he feels appreciated and
accepted, but also recognizes that he is not creating the desired result and
that he is responsible. In brief, a woman changes for sentiments and man
changes for better results, or recognition.

How women and men go out of balance:


After she has sacrificed or surrendered her position repeatedly, she will
begin to feel resentful that he is not doing the same. Now, on a less conscious
level, she will begin to try to change her partner.
All communication at this point becomes somewhat manipulative and
very distasteful to him. He will inevitable reject her or rebel. If she remains
resentful or non-centered for long, she will inevitably become more
manipulative or controlling. In a complementary way, his instinctive strategy
is to change the object: if she is unhappy, then he tries to make her happy by
fulfilling her needs. If, however, he begins to feel that he cannot make a
difference, he goes out of balance, becomes more subjective, and his attitude
changes. As a result, he becomes weak, moody, insecure, and passive. It is
hard for him to shake off his negative mood when he has lost his objectivity.
Now we will see how man and woman ought to give and receive
emotional support. When the physical needs for survival and security are
generally fulfilled, relationships take on a new orientation; the emotional
needs take precedence. When a relationship undergoes the shift from being
physically based to being emotionally oriented, a couple needs to know it is
inevitable that new problems will come up.
The old ways of relating to each other will not be satisfactory or fulfilling.
Because women are generally more conscious of their emotional needs, the
woman is first to experience a lack of fulfillment.

54
He thinks that having achieved financial property, he has completed his
job. These new problems cannot be avoided. If the two understand and accept
that this is inevitable, then they will not be as resentful of each other. They
will not question the relationship; instead they will question their old styles of
relating and communicating. Rather than changing partners, they can focus
their energies on improving their abilities to give and receive emotional
support.
Now coming to a dimension of marriage, viz. sex, even though we
already dealt with this topic in detail let us review the difference in their
attitude and approaches in sex in brief. The alchemy of great sex generates
chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment
of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater
energy, and even promotes better health. In his book, The Power of Five,
Harold Bloomfield, M.D., reveals that regular sex is vital for maintaining
higher estrogen levels in women. Higher estrogen has been associated with
better bones, better cardiovascular health and a feeling of joy in life. Men who
experience regular sex have higher testosterone level, which leads to greater
confidence, vitality, strength, and energy.

Different chemistry:
The hormones in a man’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly
build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the
pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm. For
example, when a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex
immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and
talk; without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him
to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used.

Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex


to open up to love. Through sex, a man’s heart begins to open up. Through
sex, a man can give and receive love the most. When a woman begins to
understand this whole perspective on sex. Instead of a man’s desire for sex
being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his
way of eventually finding love.

Why women don’t understand:


A woman primarily needs the emotional security. When she feels
supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her
emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more
important.

What men need:


When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and
trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defenses and
not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being ads well.
By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when
his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated.

55
Though touching her softens and entering the warmth of her loving body,
he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness
and warmth.

How sex is different for men and women:


A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. The
great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build-up of tension for woman the
more a man in his daily life is disconnected from his feelings, the more he will
crave sexual stimulation and release.

A man’s persistent sexual longing is really his soul seeking wholeness.


The barren landscape of living only in his mind seeks union with the rich,
sensuous, colorful, and sweet-smelling terrain of his heart. As his penis is
momentarily held and massaged on all sides by her warm and wet vagina, his
whole being is nourished. A man is free to feel when he has achieved his goal.
When his male side has done its work successfully, he swings over to his
female side and fully feels. The more a woman is focused throughout her day
on caring for and giving to others, the less aware she is of herself and her own
sensual desires. When a man focuses on a woman in a caring and attentive
way, he frees her to experience herself again. When a woman feels
temporarily relieved of her pressure to care for others, she can begin to feel
her sexual desires. A man’s romantic attention to details designed to please
her automatically begins to open her up.
Slow, rhythmic, and unpredictable physical touching, stroking, and
rubbing of the non erogenous zones gradually awaken a more intense longing
to be touched in her erogenous zones; whereas, a skilful female lover directly
stimulates a man's most sensitive and erogenous area, his penis and testicles.
As these areas are stimulated, the rest of his body gradually wakes up and
wants to be touched, licked and stimulated as well.
Men tend to measure their success in sex by a woman’s orgasm. For sex
to be memorable from both the male and female perspectives, the woman
needs to be fulfilled. A woman who has difficulty opening up in sex begins to
open up when she doesn’t feel the pressure to have an orgasm.
One of the simplest and most powerful ways to rekindle passion is to get
away from the routine and familiar. To re-ignite the passion and to feel like a
beautiful and loved woman, she needs to get away from the daily
responsibilities and routine.
A man needs to remember that sometimes before a woman can feel
romantic, she needs to talk. A woman directly benefits from the process of
exploring what she wants. This helps her understand her likes, wishes, and
desires, and directly prepares her for experiencing intense sexual passion and
desire.
The main principle in sex, we have to understand, is:
• man, by nature, is active hence expects recognition, and
woman, by nature, is receptive hence expects care;
• in sex, activity requires materials, hence man is motivated
by physical, whereas receptivity requires care and
understanding hence woman is motivated by care, security
and understanding.

56
Sex is the core of man-woman relationship, especially in marriage.
Even though care is common factor for the both, his priority is materialistic
care whereas hers is emotional care. In general, materialistic need is the
priority to man but whereas the priority is security for women. For man first
physiological needs are to be satisfied in sex, then he turns to emotional
needs; whereas for woman first emotional needs are to be satisfied, then only
she turns to physiological needs.
Man is hard and rough in the beginning of sex and after his satisfaction,
he becomes soft, whereas woman is soft in the beginning and after her
satisfaction (not satiation), she becomes hard in sex (e.g. after getting
satiated thru soft chats and satisfying emotional needs, the urge starts
afterwards making breast bigger, nipple hard, vulva thicker, etc).
That means man feels his own feminine after his male is satiated; and
woman feels her own masculine after her female is satisfied.
Woman enjoys communication whereas man enjoys action. That means,
when a man is probing her body during the foreplay, she can communicate to
him the positive aspects thereby both enjoy each others company in their own
natural way; however the man should impress upon her about his listening
whereas she should co-operate with his for his probing the way he likes.
Having maintained her private parts sacred, when she opens-up for him
it indicates trusts, which fulfills his priority need. So also when he deals with
her to satisfy her, it indicates his care for her, which is the priority need for
her. In nudity opening her hands and accepting him to her body indicates
her acceptance which is another fulfillment of his basic need, acceptance.
Similarly, in the fore-play, or just before for sex, when the man listens to
her attentively and during the foreplay when he attends to her emotional
needs in order to raise her to the sexual plane, she is fulfilled with her basic
love need, via understanding.
His absolute attention in dealing with her physical needs indicates
devotion whereas her handling his erotic zone impresses the admiration factor
in his mind.
Her positive response to his action indicates appreciation for him whereas
attending to her needs to her satisfaction allowing her to enjoy her own
feelings indicate his respect to her feelings.
Every time, taking care of her emotional needs during sex
indicates reassurance of his love to her whereas her participation and positive
reactions give encouragement for him.
Her involvement gives her approval whereas his validating her personal
sexual values makes her more womanly which is vital for sex.
Before returning back to our topic, here we will just go through a partial
list of gender roles and stereotypes for man and women under the OLD
PARADIGM. They are: -
Men - Women
O Rational - emotional
O Tough - delicate and tender
O Dominant - submissive
O Strong – weak

57
O Aggressive - tame and docile
O Competitive - co-operative
O Brave - timid
O Contemplative, - preserved talkative
O Achiever - complacent
O Just - compassionate
O Assertive - retiring
O Patience - impulsive
O Wise - premature
O Bread-winner - home-keeper
O Active, - no nonsense passive and sweet
O Mathematical - verbal
O Physical - non-physical
O Hunting, working - cooking, serving

Freud was of the opinion when he said anatomy determines destiny,


in a reference to the different roles of men and women.
• Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.
When he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and
appreciated for his efforts, he empowered and has more to give.
• Women are motivated and empowered when they feel
cherished. When she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled
and has more to give as well.
Men have a win/lose philosophy – I want to win, and I don’t care if
you lose. Most of the men attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose
attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationship. If I seek to fulfill my own
needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness,
resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for
both partners to win. So also, when a man is in love, he begins to care about
another as much as himself. Given the opportunity to prove his potential a
man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he
regress back to his old selfish ways. A major source of fulfillment for a man
can come through giving. It is difficult to be motivated when he is not needed.
To become motivate again he needs to feel appreciated, trusted, and
accepted. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
When a woman loves a man: - most men have little awareness of how
important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares.
Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a
woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she
needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She
needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation, and
compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and
appreciative of his support. Men don’t realize this because their male instincts
tell them it’s best to be alone when they are upset.

58
When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or is he stays
he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not
instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing is to
her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.
In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and
mould herself to fulfill her partner’s needs. In a man’s younger years, he is
much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others.
As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up
herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he
can better serve and respect others. As a man matures he also learns new
strategies for giving but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in
order to receive what she wants.
Giving-up blame: - when a woman realizes she has been giving too
much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. Similarly, a man
who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive
to him.
In both cases, blaming does not work. Understanding, trust, compassion,
acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partner. When this
situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a
man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesn’t ask for it,
listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and
open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.
Instead of blaming a man for giving less, a woman can accept and
forgive her partner’s imperfections, especially when he disappoints her, trust
that he wants to give more when he doesn’t offer his support, and encourage
him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for
his support.
Learning to receive: - if as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly
abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is
harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in unconscious, this feeling of
unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. Needing is openly reaching
out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes
that he will do his best. This empowers him. Neediness, however, desperately
needs support because you do not trust you will get it. It pushes men away
and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. Being ignored or
disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is
unworthy.
Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will
also change. Man requires physiological and psychological care whereas
woman requires emotional and sentimental care. For man, woman is a need;
for woman, man is a security.
Speaking different languages: - men and women seldom mean the
same things even when they use the same works. Because many
men don’t understand that women express feeling differently, they
inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feelings. This leads to
arguments.
Men and women think and process information very differently.
• Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with
an interested listener. This process of just letting thoughts flow
freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her
intuition.

59
• But men process information very differently. They first formulate it
inside and then express it.
• Women need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will
automatically stop talking and go to his cave to work things out.
• They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave.
• When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to
reassure the speaker that she listening and that she cares.
• Without these reassuring responses, a man’s silence can be very
threatening.
• Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring
they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners
think, feel, and react.
• It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to
talk before he is ready. Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from
a woman following a man into his cave.
• Man wants him to be trusted by his woman and woman wants her to
be cared by her man. Woman’s patience, support (without advice)
and care (to his needs) will help him during his cave period.
• A man wants his favorite woman to trust that he can handle what is
bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very
important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem.
• When a man goes into his cave he generally tries to solve a problem.
If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less
problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with
him also gives hem more strength to deal with his problem while in
the cave.
How to approach a man with criticism or advice: - in addition to
patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting
what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make
requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that
requires caring and creativity.
A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do
alone. While men want to be trusted, women want caring. It is very
difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hats to
be pitied.
Many men don’t understand that she needs to share upset feelings with
the people they love. However, with practice and an awareness of our
differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having
them sound like blaming. A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or
even change them to support her partner.
She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn’t make
him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make
a big difference.
Appreciation, request for change, and acceptance in her communication
will in the long run pave way for changes in him. Listening, sharing and caring
from him will help in satisfaction for her. Care and assurance in his
communication will yield better results with her.
Relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance
and respect of people’s innate differences.

60
When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different
languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner
really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well
worth it.
Generally the perception of wife’s blaming husband indicates only her
stress/upset. Once she comes out of her stress/upset, she will become normal.
There are certain unexpected and sudden different volatile attitudes of
men and women in which men are unable to understand this sudden change in
her attitude and so also women are unable to understand this sudden change
in his attitude. Now we will analyze the reasons for the sudden change and the
nature of volatility.

Men are like Rubber Bands:


• He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull
away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and
then come back all on his own.
• A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or
autonomy.
• When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at
whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away.
• When a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return
with a lot of power and spring.
• This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience
if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period
of re acquaintance.
• If she doesn’t understand that men are different in this way, she
may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy
and push him away.
• What she doesn’t realize is that when he pulls away and fulfils his
need for autonomy then suddenly he will want to be intimate
again.
From self, man stretches to love and any sensation of losing Itself’ in the
affair will make him to come back to self and only her patience and taking care
of him with due respect for his self will make him to come back to love earlier.
To certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his
partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose
touch with his own sense of self.
Pulling away allows him to re-establish his personal boundaries and fulfill
his need to feel autonomous. When a man is pulling away is not the time to
talk or try to get closer.
Let him pull away, after some time, he will return. He will appear loving
and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened.
This is the time to talk. There are two ways a woman may unknowingly
obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are:
1. chasing him when he pulls away; and
2. punishing him for pulling away.

61
Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it
is for women. Some men feel guilty needing to spend time in their caves or
they may get confused when they start to pull away and then later spring
back.
They may mistakenly think something is wrong with them. It is such a
relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men.
Even generally, the more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he
will resist. If a woman feels the need for more talk in the relationship, after
being appreciated for listening to a woman, a man does learn to respect the
value of talking.
When a man feels appreciated for listening, he will gradually begin to
open up, but first he needs to feel accepted.
Women are like waves: - A woman’s self-esteem rises and falls like a
wave, when she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning.
A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is
generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not
feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and
appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed
or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more
vulnerable and needs more love.
In a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles.
Men pull back and get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love
themselves and others. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way
down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is
someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares
her feelings, and to empathies with what she is going through. When a woman
comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. She is suddenly
more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. Without understanding
the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in
the “well”.
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface,
these issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily
charged from her past relationships and childhood.
Whatever remains to healed or resolved from her past inevitably will
come up. When a woman doesn’t feel safe to go into her well, her only
alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings
through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking or over care- taking.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become
suppressed as well, and love dies. Through controlled repression of her
feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling
and passionless over time. Some women who avoid dealing with their negative
emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience pre-
menstrual syndrome. There is a strong correlation between pms and the
inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way.
One study revealed that a woman’s self-esteem generally rises and falls
in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five day.
No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber
band, but as per one study it is about the same. A woman’s self-esteem cycle
is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but is does average out at
twenty-eight days.

62
It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does
not necessarily affect a woman’s competence at work, but it does greatly
influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.
Generally, her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were
projected onto husband.
During wave the woman undergoes through irritation, and if she tries to
suppress, comes throw’ positive actions, or with pms subjects her unresolved
feelings of anger and powerlessness, helplessness, is projected on her
husband.
When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, the three
steps for supporting her when he needs to pull away: -
1. the first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away
and have nothing to give;
2. next, you need to understand that she needs more that you can
give at this moment. Her pain is valid;
3. although you can’t give the support she wants and needs, you can
avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be
back, and then you’ll be able to give her the support she
deserves.
Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs
permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash. Lastly, without learning
about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their
wives, by remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his
partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.

Men and women fight because:


• men argue for the right to be free, while
• women argue for the right to be upset.
• Men want space, while
• women want understanding;
• and this can be resolved:
• by supporting her need to be heard,
• she could support his need to be free.
• Moreover, as a woman’s financial needs are fulfilled, she
becomes more aware of her emotional needs.

Therefore, if one understands the natural psychological differences


of one’s marital partner, it will be easier for the partner to handle any
unexpected, irrational and irrigational situations in the marital
relationship.
One has to understand the difference in the nature of close relationship
between in family and in marriage, so that one can adapt to the new
environment of this unique intimate relationship in marriage.

63
Moreover, having the knowledge of the natural differences in approaches
and attitudes between man and woman, one can understand and deal with the
other partner with ease in such a way that the interaction should yield, as far
as possible, happiness to the both, or minimum satisfaction, or at least not
creating dissatisfaction. In every interaction in marriage, the happiness of
their unit should be the priority in the minds of both the partners.

Problems, Conflicts and Crises in Marriage


And Solutions.

Marriage is basically for mutual care for which basic necessity are
understanding and, unfortunately, the care is always tied up with
expectations.
Therefore any lacking in care, understanding or fulfillment of
expectations in marriage brings problems to the unit.
Having gone thro’ the positive side of marriage, i.e. the smooth marital
life, and analyzed the psychological complementary, now we will see the
negative side of marriage, i.e. conflicts and problems, and also find out the
solutions.
Mainly problems in marriage arise on account of:
1. Clash between
• (a) dependence and independence;
• (b) egoism and helplessness;
• (c) common interest and self-interest.
2. Ignorance of difference in natural attitudes and approaches
between the two sexes.
3. Improper communication, communication-gap, misunderstanding
and taken granted.
4. Non-performance of duties and non-fulfillment of responsibilities.
5. The difference between the expectations (on account of personal
values) and reality.
6. Difference in economic perception.
7. Dissatisfaction, in satiation, irritation, hurt and helplessness.
8. Egoism, selfishness and domination.
9. Either of the partner, or the both, forgetting the common interest.

Any problem in marriage is on account of the following reasons: -


1. Egoism.

64
2. Lack of common interest.
3. Misunderstanding.
4. Conflict of preferences and personal values
5. In satiation.
6. Dissatisfaction.
7. Discouraging (or not helping, or caring, for) the other’s
personality development and personal hobbies so long it does not
affect the family.
8. Creating and enjoying the other’s helplessness and insecurity.
9. Not adjusting to the other sex’s psychological differences.
10. Not keeping up the other’s trust.
11. Selfishness over mutuality.
12. Lack of performance of expected and accepted duties and
responsibilities.
13. Notwithstanding the above, hurting for selfishness.
14. Not respecting the other’s individuality.

Therefore the required factors for marriage are:


1. trust,
2. understanding,
3. common-interest,
4. care, and helping for each other’s personality development,
5. maturity of values and discipline.

In marriage, conflict is on account of:


1. Attack on identity.
2. Lack of satisfaction and establishing such patterns.
3. Misunderstanding
4. Communication gap.
5. Lack of understanding and support during one’s emotions, and
rubbing the spouse with negative attitude during that mood.
6. Non-performance of duties and responsibilities, and instead of
accepting mistake, defending the mistake.
7. Different perceptions on priorities and lack of handling the issue
jointly.
8. Self-interest over mutual interest – lack of properly understanding
or lack of convincing.
9. Criticism is a psychological axe, hurts the feelings.
10. Not adhering to the principles of marriage like sexual diversity,
creating insecurity, not caring, not adhering to the expected
values.

65
To overcome conflicts and problems and misunderstandings, in
marriage, the couple should:
1. Establish free and frank communication.
2. Develop common interest, common and shared values.
3. Respect each other.
4. Love each other.
5. Understanding.
6. Sex with each other.
7. To maintain togetherness.
8. Turning the fight into opportunity for honesty and understanding.
9. Maintain intimacy outside bedroom, like touching, sudden hug,
affectionate pet, teasing but pleasing tickles, sense of humor in
common interest and shared values.
10. Trust, honesty, sincerity, patience, flexibility, adjustments,
forgiveness, commitment to sexuality.
11. Spending time for togetherness with intimacy and love including
for sex; commitment to sexuality.
12. Both the partners melting their ‘self’ into their ‘marital unit’ as
one; but outside their marriage keeping up one’s individuality and
helping the other for developing his/her personality on positive
side.
13. Consultation, discussion but not arguments.
14. Accept and love spouse as he /she is.
15. Strictly in between the couple losing and giving-in is the success
and both following this principle is the success of marriage.
16. Expanding common interest, views and values.
17. In any problem, crisis, conflict and misunderstanding, both should
deal with the topic, or subject, rather than dealing with
personalities of either especially on negative side, and amicable
solve it with discussion and consultation of course ultimately
beneficial to the family.
18. Maintaining unity, within which respecting the other’s individuality
and allowing and helping the other’s personality development
(materialistically, emotionally, sentimentally and spiritually).
19. Developing sentimental attachment between the couple.
20. Mutual interest should always win over self-interest in family.
21. Trying to resolve the issues within marriage and if at all outside
help is required both should approach the ideas of the outsider.
22. Not complaining either about one’s marriage, or the spouse,
outside marriage unless all the efforts and means are lost in
marriage.
23. Disagreement is allowed but not disapproval.
24. Individuality is to be allowed in marriage not affecting the
marriage, or family.

66
Conflict: - many couples get caught in the circles of conflict they hate
but can’t seem to escape.
Now, researchers who study the ways married people communicate are
shedding new light on these patterns.

They find three common threads:


1. the first is the need to save. “There is an image of yourself at
stake that you feel you must defend, even though you know it is
not going to get you anywhere”, says Linda Garris, the Asst. Prof.
Of family studies at the University of Connecticut. There is attack
on identity and the usual tendency is to defend and in the process
the incident that triggered the dispute is lost;
2. the second significant factor is misunderstanding;
3. the third common characteristic of recurring arguments is that the
issue on the surface is seldom what the real discontentment is
about.
In fact, patterns of conflict are rooted more in the way of husbands and
wives relate to each other than in any personal flaw. Linda Harris says that co-
operating or actually giving in when you don’t want to, for the good of
relationship, can work wonders in shattering destructive pattern.
Sometimes recycled arguments are no more than annoyances, but other
times they are real danger signals of an unhealthy relationship, says
psychologist John Gottman, a Prof. at the University of Illinois.
According to Gottman, unhealthy fighting frequently makes one of the
three mistakes: -
(1) they are too vague;
(2) they make requests in a negative rather than a positive way;
(3) they don’t listen.
The rapists point out that in any intimate relationship, egos sometimes
collide and personal styles grate. But if you establish a comfortable workable
pattern of communication, the relationship will have room for fighting words as
well as loving whispers.
In the book, ‘Marriage roses all the way’, the authors C.Northecote
Parkinson, M.K.Rustomji and W.Vieira state that most marital conflicts arise out
of three main problems:
(1) Unrealistic expectations;
(2) Lack of communication, understanding and empathy;
(3) Widely differing value systems.
The problem is many people look for a dream partner and refuse to see
their prospective mate as he or she really is.
Conflicts may also arise from different cultural, ethnic or religious
backgrounds or from disappointment in sex, except in such partnership where
both husband and wife are tolerant of each other’s views, attitudes and beliefs
and even prejudices.
The solution is, to be as objective as possible, and to accept each other
the way you are.

67
Don’t force changes in attitudes and habits, which have been cultivated
over a lifetime. It’s not easy. Wide differences in values are often glossed over
in the initial stages of a relationship it is assumed at the time that both parties
are heading towards the same objectives at the same speed. When the breach
is observed it is often too late. By then the dam has burst.
Talking about goals and values helps to establish where each partner is
heading. When there is sincere agreement on broad objectives, minor
deviations an be taken care of by understanding and love.
There is no value that survives unless it assaulted and survives that
assault. Assault causes that value to be more deeply entrenched. If your
marriage means anything to you, take care never to ridicule your partner’s
religious beliefs and rituals, or to make him or her suspect that you think them
unnecessary.
The authors of the book add that even though it’s nice and romantic to
speak of togetherness but too much of it in a marriage can become a disease.
Role-Play: - In her 1949 classic, ‘Male and Female’, anthropologist
Margaret Mead says that there is only one biologically based constant:
women’s role in all societies includes the bearing, nursing and primary care of
children. When the same occupations, performed by men, are performed by
women, they are regarded as less importance.
In a great number of societies, men’s sureness of their sex role is ties up
with their right, or ability, to practice same activity that women are not allowed
to practice. Men’s need to have a role clearly distinguished from women’s can
be traced to three fundamental differences between boys and girls: (1) a baby
boy is different from his mother. The boy’s need to differentiate himself from
his mother has consequences for adult relationships; (2) men can’t have
babies; (3) most males are more muscular and aggressive than most females.
This is a biological difference that most cultures have used as the raw material
for a unique male role. Mr. Richard Robertiello, a New York psychoanalyst,
says, “a man needs a woman who will affirm his masculine power, enjoy, it,
enhance it and get something from it, rather than envy it and try to destroy it’.
Romance vs. marriage: - Men and women who expect marriage to be a
continuation of the ecstasy of the courtship are in the disappointment.
Romantics ignore the fact that the people grow weary of each other unless they
have cultivated common interests and values. Conjugal affection is slow
burning heat – warming flame. It can’t exist without kindness, consideration,
communication, adjustment to each other’s habits, and joint participation in
several activities, consensus on values and respect.
Married couples must build-up a “common capital” of act, habits, and
expenses that results in mutual acceptance, without the impossible illusions of
the romantic ideal. In a good marriage, there will 75 to 80% togetherness but
also sufficient separateness to permit individual growth and privacy. Politeness,
tact and good humor all help to create a relaxed and loving home.
Romance is by it very nature incompatible with marriage even if
one has led to the other, for it is the very essence of romance to thrive
obstacles, delays, separations, and dreams, whereas it is the basic function of
marriage daily to reduce and obliterate these obstacles for marriage succeeds
only in constant physical proximity to the monotonous present.
Secondly the logical and normal outcome of marriage founded
only on romance is divorce, for marriage kills romance, if romance
reappears, it will kill the marriage by its incompatibility with the very
reason for which the marriage was contracted.

68
Like passion, romance is more a way of feeling love than of acting it,
more being in love than loving. The great difference between passion and
romance is that the later passes away by definition, depending upon the quality
of the obstacles left to overcome.
To attack romance from the moral standpoint would be an error, since
romance attacks precisely because in it lies some ostensible capability and it
disappears when it is universally acclaimed. We should succeed in limiting its
dangers much more adequately by simply pointing out to young people that,
valuable though it is, romance is nevertheless by its very nature incapable of
establishing a durable marriage, and that it is not an act of courage but one of
absurdity to marry someone forever because of a fever that endures for two
months.
Marital hazards: - Carrying-over the conflict between the couple
outside bed-room to the bed-room in spite of a partner’s inclination towards
sex: “this kind of misunderstanding is hazardous to marital health” declares
psychiatrist and sex therapist Avodah Offile,
“it is better to settle the original clash instead of setting up a
communications blackout which will only lead to more serious effects.”
Dr.Offile also urges couples to plan and prepare for their sexual
encounters, because anticipating sexual pleasure can add immeasurable to its
ultimate enjoyment. Husbands and wives who solve the problem of sexual
communications will not only narrow the margin for misunderstandings in their
marriage, they will also add to their enjoyment of the physical act of love.
Companionship is virtually important to marital satisfaction. The successful
marriage is not one in which there are no fights, but one in which fights are
turned into opportunities for greater honesty and understanding.
Make hard times work for marriage: - (avoid finger pointing) when one
person does have a larger share of responsibility for a problem, both spouses
need to acknowledge that burden. (Express yourself) body language is often
more eloquent than talk; often a predicament pushes couple into an all-too-
familiar out: she thinks he doesn’t have feelings because he won’t talk about
them; he thinks she’s too emotional because she won’t talk about anything
else. (Accept the differences) unfortunately, a response that’s unlike one’s own
may seem inappropriate to the person; in such situations, it is necessary to
talk about one’s perceptions and give each other the benefit of doubt. (Be
flexible) both partners need freedom to express wide range of emotions and
may find themselves trading point of view. The important thing is that, over
time each is the consoler and the consoled. (Be kind to each other) in good
times forgiveness, openness, acceptance, flexibility and kindness will enrich the
married relationship. In bad times they will keep the marriage strong – just
when the couple need it most.
When conflicts arise from temperamental differences between
husband and wife, family therapists suggest the following techniques:
1. Reverse roles: On lighter side, taking the other partner’s
arguments (the screamer gets an idea of how it feels to be
screamed at, etc).
2. Be adaptable.
3. Be specific: - Not to attack the other partner’s overall character or
hurting him but to say exactly what is bothering.
Do you adore his passionate style when he expresses love, but hate it
when he yells in anger? Both are facets of an emotional temperament; you
may not get one part of the package without the other.

69
How to survive marital storms: -
1. Recognize that anger is a normal position: if you can agree that a
husband and wife who love each other will probably experience
envy, annoyance, even anger, then neither of you will panic when
it happens. By giving your mate the right to an occasional sulk,
you have transmitted a wonderful gift.
2. Be cautious about protecting your ‘right: reasonably secure
persons do not see every misunderstanding as an occasion to
assert themselves. They can compromise without losing self-
composure.
3. Be first to make changes: many couples stuck in repetitive
behavior. A therapist may use pressure to get them unstuck, but
that maybe necessary if first one will decide to change. This is not
easy. There is within us all a resistance to change, which has, at
its root, pride. To change is to admit that we are wrong. But if you
take the initiative and begin afresh, you may break the deadlock.
4. Resist the impulse to give up: ‘many couples who come to my
clinic are ready to throw in the towel’, says Alan Loo Meginnis,
‘but in almost every case I have helped them discover that the
best marriage for them is the one they’re in, and that it can be
saved if they want it to be.
5. Cultivate humility: most lovers have to learn to say, ‘I’m sorry’,
because two people who live together are bound to bump into
each other. If you do not want to hurt the other, apologize.
6. Add a positive of tolerance: some of the best marriages are
composed of two people who are very different often with striking
idiosyncrasies – but who are tolerant of each other and adjust to,
or overlook, the irritants. Psychologist Carl Rogers uses this
analogy: “when I walk on the beach to watch the sun set I do not
call out, ‘a little more orange over to the right, please,’ or, ‘would
you mind giving less purple in the back’; no, I enjoy the always
different sunsets as they are, we’d do well to do the same with
the people we love.

Problems in marriage:
1. Posturing: - both sides take their positions and antagonism
appears.
2. Polarized thinking: - exaggerated bad qualities are ascribed to the
other side – while failing on one’s own side, even if highly relevant
to the crisis, are overlooked; by mentally preparing, the
antagonists ready themselves for cruel and heartless actions to
come.
3. Domination of emotions: - in crises, emotion not the reason leads
the charge.
4. False justification: - as the rhetoric and posturing continues, the
couple may start believing their own vituperation as the naked
truth; fact becomes almost irrelevant at this advanced stage of
crisis.

70
Features of crisis situations.
A crisis is a problem that has gotten out of hand. The following features
characterize crisis situations:
1. Stress – as the crisis emerges, stress begins to develop.
2. Rigidity – as the crisis deepens, thinking becomes rigid, ever
simplified and dominated by emotion.
3. Mental cpmstroctopm – the range of alternative solutions shrinks.
4. Disruption of concentration – as the crisis continues, stress builds
up and the ability to concentrate on the relevant features of the
problem fades. The uncertainty of the situation leads to further
anxiety, which makes the couple less effective in working out a
rational solution.
5. Suspicion – a sense of distrust and hurt, combined with
antagonistic feelings, reduce the prospects of working out a fair
compromise.
6. Crisis autonomy – the crisis takes on a life of its own – each
spouse fares in fire. Neglect – responding to crisis by working
harder and ignoring other important aspects of their lives.

Personality conflict
Fundamental to any successful relationship is evoking and nurturing the
right shades in each other. Problems in marriage are of two types: viz. those
that pit the partners against each other and those that they must face
together. Conflict arises from disagreements, and disagreements are rooted in
differences of perceptions, opinions, and preferences. To eliminate problems,
so make it a habit, early in marriage, to work as a team to solve a
problem, rather than trying to defeat each other. As far issues concerned,
focus on the issue and strip it off all disguises. Sometimes people go to great
lengths to come up with the silliest accusations and excuses to vent their
frustrations. Try to work your way through these smoke-sirens and pinpoint the
real issue, then attack the problem together. The only options that should ever
be considered in marriage are those that result in mutual gain. The win-win
(i.e. both win) strategy should be the standard for all negotiations and
decision-making in marriage.

Token behavior
At times of tension, argument and high emotions, it is important to do
or say something that will tone things down – anything in the right
direction is welcome.
In marriage the rhetoric of belligerence is the most deadly thing
next to physical violence; words can hurt – they can hurt very badly
and for a longer time. One should take it – problems, conflicts and
disputes are constants of life.

71
Rules for marital conflict
Conflicts arise even in the most perfect of relationships. To deal with
conflict to your marriage, we recommend two simple rules: -
Rule no.1: - Always resolve your differences amicable, lovingly and
peacefully;
Rule no.2: - In those instances where you fail to resolve your
differences amicably, refer to rule no.1.

Solving problems:
a problem is any difficulty or challenge that demands a solution. We
should view problems as opportunities for personal growth, learning, and the
exercise of our ingenuity. There are certain attitudes and practices that help in
solving problems:
1. Having confidence.
2. Experiencing success: Success is the surest way of developing
self-confidence and self-esteem, which, in turn, are crucial to
further success.
3. Seeing opportunities: Facing problems as opportunities to grow,
to achieve, to overcome, will make a world of difference.
4. Learning: We must learn skills that help meet our personal needs
and enable as to relate to others.

The crisis of the modern couple.


Since, in the western sense of term, there is no family without a
marriage at its source, it is clear that all problems of the family are, practically
speaking, subordinate of those of the couple.
Everything, which touches the relationship of couple, therefore, touches
the family at its very root. Thus it follows that the whole point of view in
considering family problems would change radically in society, which would
systematically question the causes, the methods, the customs, the aims, and
the duration of the union of man and woman into a couple founding a family.
Such an eventuality is not purely imaginary; our present society
approximates the experience of it. In all other civilizations, and in our own up
to the present day, the mutual choice of mates has depended largely upon
collective factors: sacred rotes (exogamy, endogamy, levirational or sororal
laws, to mention only the most familiar), social rank, race, religion, and, later,
the level of education and fortune.
The margin of purely individual choice, which this ensemble of rules,
taboos, and conventions permits, has remained in most cases proactively
negligible. Today the situation is reversed. In a majority of cases, these
collective factors, which we have just named, not only do not play a deciding
role but also are no longer capable of playing even the role of obstacle of
restraint, which could still be attributed to them in the 19th century.
This evolution seems parallel to the evolution of sex which, with the
Christian era, is exfoliated from the collective subconscious, frees itself from
religious rites, and, by a process of introspection, tends to become an integral
aspect of each individual’s logic.

72
It is to be noted that the expression ‘sexual problem’ is very recent,
having appeared only in approximately in the year 1830.
A wife does not like her man to be: untrusting, condemning, angry,
demanding, uncaring, irresponsible, insensitive, impulsive, unkind, thoughtless,
unloving, too offending, critical and rejecting.
So also a husband does not like his woman to be: lazy around the house,
sexually cold, and emotionally serious, noisy, sneaky, overtly critical and
quarrelsome or bad mother, inflexible, too independent and bold, disrespected
nagging, negative to his relatives, too dominating, too emotional.
Sex.
Sex is a most pleasant act if it involves mutual desire. There is nothing
wrong abnormal in marital sex if it is done with the consent of both. It is a
myth that one cannot live a happy married life without sex.
The worst part among married partners is to force sex upon the other as
an obligation. Obligated mating may release the tension at the tip of the penis
but increases tension in the head. As open communication with the spouse can
solve many sexual problems in the marital life. The couple has to experiment
with other avenues to give each sexual satisfaction – sexual adjustment and
gratification by genital or non-genital union solves many marital problems. In a
congenial and harmonious marriage both partners contribute and complement
each other’s personal development and growth.
If a marriage is to be saved, both partners have to work at restoring
trust and communication. To do this, psychologists V.Daniel O’Leary and Hillary
Turkewits recommend these rules:
(1) ask for positive changes in behavior instead of attacking negative
behavior;
(2) respond directly to criticism instead of making counter charges;
(3) confine conversation to the present and future. Don’t speculate on
motives or analyze character;
(4) listen. Masters and Johnson, about successful relationship, say, “love
and physical desire wax and wane throw out a life time. This can be
accepted and enjoyed, if partners can communicate.
In a marriage, neither partner, or spouse, should become exclusively a
talker, or a listener, both should be each other’s caring listener on a fair and
equal basis, now we will see the seven don’t of good listening: -
(1) Don’t interrupt.
(2) Don’t contradict.
(3) Don’t criticize or lecture about past behavior.
(4) Don’t nod your head constantly.
(5) Don’t assume what is said is the total content of the message (watch
carefully for clues in tone and body language for what might be
really bothering someone.)
(6) Don’t interrogate or patronize (don’t probe thro’ questions that aim to
prove him, or her, wrong).
(7) Don’t use the occasion for self-aggrandizement.

73
A sure sign of problematic marriage is when the couple doesn’t talk much
to each other: talking to each other has come to a dead stop, because the
couple has little common; or every time they talk, the experience is negative.
The quality of the conversation influences the desire to spend time together. If
you want a successful marriage, then you have to talk, joke and banter. You
have explore emotions and let off stream. Let the worries of daily life go up in
the hot air of verbal outflows. Talking is like air for marriage: no marriage can
do without it.
Communication usually begins with the intent to convey information to
someone else. The sender must convert the intent into an actual message that
is presented to the presented to the intended recipient. The message may be
verbal (word or sound) or non verbal (consisting of a look, a touch, or an
action).
The recipient must not only receive the message, but also understand
and interpret its meanings. At each one of these simple steps, things can and
do go wrong. It is important to recognize that inconsistencies between non-
verbal cues and verbal content are usually resolved in favor of the former. In
this sense, non-verbal messages are more ‘powerful’ than spoken words alone.
For this reason, it is useful to communicate in ways that maintain consistency
between the verbal and non-verbal messages. You send to your partner, taking
care to avoid sending mixed messages by saying one thing with your words
and something different with your body language or vocal one. In fact, non-
verbal messages apply in a special way to sexual interactions. Communicating
in an intimate relationship differs in certain ways from communicating with
other people in your life. While trust and vulnerability are not methods of
communication, they are necessary preconditions for intimate communications
to occur.
“i” language: - One of the most direct ways to communicate clearly and
to avoid mind reading games in a relationship is to use a highly effective style
of communicating called “i” language. By assuming responsibility for starting
your own needs and preferences, you relieve your partner of having to figure
out what will please you. It is also important to realize that ‘i’ language is not
the only way of communicating effectively in an intimate relationship. Similarly,
‘you’ sentences that offer positive rather than critical content – for example
“you’re so kind and sensitive” – are certainly welcome in any relationship.
Thus, ‘i’ language should be seen as a potential way of achieving clarity in
intimate communication instead of as the only correct way of communicating
with your partner. When affection is expressed only during sex, and not at any
other time, it can lead a person to feel as though it is a limited or conditional
affection – in other words.
Expressing anger: - In most cases anger develops from preceding
feeling of hurt, resentment, or frustration. If these can be identified and
discussed while they’re in their early stages before they grow into anger, there
is a much better chance of dealing with them successfully and avoiding the
harm that anger can produce. Carol Tavris observes, “In the final analyses,
managing anger depends on taking responsibility for one’s emotions and one’s
actins. On refusing the temptation, for instance, to remain stuck in blame or
fury or silent resentment.

74
Art of listening:
The ability to listen accurately and empathetically is actually a complex
process. Here are some specific pointers about what is taken to be an effective
listener:
1. Effective listening is an active rather than passive process; this can be
done by eye-contact, nodding your head, or asking an occasional
question to clarify a point without disrupting your partner’s message.
2. Effective listening requires your undivided attention.
3. Effective listeners are patient in their listening styles. The patient listener
realizes that a bit encouragement early in a conversation can set the
stage for a more meaningful dialogue late on. At the same time patient
listeners refrain from the temptation to barge in with their own
comments before the other person has completed his or her message.
4. Effective listeners avoid putting undue emphasis on one word or phrase
in a message and wait for the message to be completed before they
react to it.
5. Effective listeners pay attention to what the speaker is actually saying
instead of approaching conversations with pre-conceived notions of what
might be said.
6. Effective listeners are attuned to their partners even when there’s been
no request for a discussion; sometimes the most important
communications occur in odd, of hand moments rather than in planned,
formal dialogues. Unless you’re tuned in to this possibility and receptive
to what is being said, you seriously cut down the chances of spontaneous
communications, which are often the most valuable.
7. You don’t have to agree in order to listen – in fact, it can be useful to
agree to disagree; the point of being a good listener is to understand
what the speaker is saying, this does not mean you have to endorse the
message. Recognize that your partner is expressing his or her feelings,
which may be very different from your own. Part of the art of listening is
deciding when to listen and when to reward.
According to Leslie Navran, PhD., in ‘ communication and adjustment in
marriage’ in ‘family process’ and Harold Rausch, Wells Goodrich and John
D.Campbell in ‘adaptation to the first years of marriage, and ‘human adaption’,
‘coping with life crises’ by Rudolph Moos, communicating successfully means
being able to express yourself in a way that can be heard by you mate and
listening carefully enough to interpret what you mate is trying to get across of
you; communicating well is a matter of a paying attention not just to how you
and your spouse converse, but also to how you relate non-verbally; it means
making as much effort as possible to understand and be understood. The way
you communicate can aggravate any problems you already have.
If you or your spouse expresses yourself in way that make it difficult to
be heard accurately, or if either of you bottles-up you’re feeling so that other
feels insulted, or confused, making decision will be not only belabored but also
painful and destructive.

75
If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating, consider
whether either of you fits into one of the following two categories: -
1. The over-expressive mate: If you can’t just say why you’re angry, but
always need to yell and shout to express your anger if you’re not content
with stating your thoughts and opinions but to rant rave about what you
believe in, if you don’t just feel happy but need to let everyone know how
happy you feel, then you are someone with hat psychiatrists call
‘histrionic’ traits. You tend to live in a whirlwind of emotional frenzy and
feel anxious when things become quiet and calm.
2. The under expressive mate: if you are quiet, comfortable with expressing
feelings, rational rather than impulsive, then, in psychiatric terms, you
may have ‘obsessional ’ traits. You keep your feelings in, never really
saying what’s in your mind. You often leave your spouse wondering what
you are thinking.

Communication combinations: - What matters is not just how you act


toward each other, but you react. In most marriages, a typical pattern of
communicating gets set up between mates. Often spouses use their personal
style of arguing as a power tool. If you scream and yell, you may be trying to
scare your mate into giving into you. If you tend to withdraw, you may be
using your silence to make your mate feel anxious or guilty. If your style is
highly exaggerated – if you’re either very withdrawn or overemotional in your
communication style – that exaggeration may reflect a deeper personality
problem.
You may wield your temper or keep your feelings to yourself because of
fears of underlying emotions, some of which may stem from low self-esteem.
Generally, if your styles clash you know it – for instead of being asked to come
to mutual decisions and successfully resolving conflicts, you spend time
together attacking each other how you communicate. If you and your spouse
are both expressive, you may have a very open, calm, sharing marriage or a
very aggressive, competitive relationship – all depending on how you express
yourselves.
If you both present your feelings calmly and respectfully then you
probably have a very strong, healthy relationship. If you express your feelings
through screaming, yelling, throwing thing at each other, then your need to
assert yourselves may stem from insecurity – from a fear of being swallowed
up by each other, a fear of being vulnerable or passive.
There is no great virtue in expressing what is on your mind if it is done in
a way that is hurtful. Silent duo: - Indeed, probably the only thing worse than
when a couple fights all the time is when a couple never airs their needs,
wishes, or discontent. Being silent when communication is clearly called for
may result from a fear of rejection, disappointment, and humiliation. But
silence may also be a power ploy.
There is power in holding back, in leaving your mate to wonder what is
going on in your mind; because there are so many decisions that need to get
made in marriage, you must be direct about your wishes and expectations in
order to reap marital and individual fulfillment. If you are too withdrawn about
what you want from your spouse and your marriage, inevitably your needs
won’t get met and underlying resentments will fester. Silence is not always
golden.

76
Vicious Circles: - Here is how a vicious cycle works: you have a
disagreement that leads one of you to feeling attacked, threatened, hurt,
uncared for, unloved, or berated – which leads the injured party (let’s say it’s
you) to counterattack – which sets the vicious cycle in motion. With regard to
breaking a vicious cycle, if you care about your marriage, you cannot take for
granted your recovery from vicious cycles. You both need to make a special
effort to break them when they occur. The following considerations must be
weighed and acted upon in order to break a vicious cycle:
1. Recognize when the level of your anger and your spouse’s is escalating.
2. Recognize how your spouse may have been unintentionally, or
intentionally, hurt by something you said, or did, or didn’t say or do.
Question if their anger may result from their feeling unloved or
unappreciated by you.
3. In seeking to end the cycle of hurt, recognize that you may not be able
to ‘win’ the argument, even though your temptation to get in the last
word may be very strong.
4. After your anger has cooled, either initiate an apology or acknowledge
the hurt your spouse may have felt during the argument. Empathizing
with your spouse helps defuse hurt and anger and moves you both
towards a resolution.
5. Beware of any tendencies you and your spouse may have to get into big
arguments (vicious cycles) that may be followed by living sessions of
‘making up’.
If you and your mate find yourselves locked into arguments frequently,
one or both of you may have an unconscious need to suffer before you
experience pleasure and tenderness from each other.
In the clinical literature, this tendency to have to pay a price for
pleasure, or to seek to increase pleasure by first heightening emotion through
pain, is referred to as masochism or sadomasochism. Be alert to such
tendencies in yourself and your spouse, and be careful about getting drown
into malignant cycles or drawing you partner in.
Communication aggravators: - the following behavior that people
commonly use may escalate conflict in their marriage by inducing combative
responses (refer John P.Spiegel’s ‘the resolution of role conflict within the
family’)
1. Coercing is an attempt to crowbar you mate into submission or
agreement, your spouse agree to go along with your wishes but sabotage
your plans by dragging their feet in the execution of the agreement; or
defy your efforts outright.
2. Coaxing is a more subtle form of persuasion, your spouse may annoyed
by what they perceive as your manipulative efforts and, as a result, not
only refuse your wishes but also become hostile.
3. Evaluating is a common technique, characterized as ‘ pseudo-
understanding’: an example: “I think you are really angry at your boss,
not at me,” a woman tells her husband. This woman’s interpretation of
her husband’s angry makes him even more annoyed than he was
originally, because it is a denial of what he is really feeling.

77
4. Masking is a often thought of as ‘white lies’ or ‘white washing’, It can
elicit counter efforts by your spouse to unmask and reveal the truth.
5. Blaming one of the most common mechanisms for starting or fuelling an
argument occurs when one spouse is angry but does not know why and
so looks for a target for that anger in order to channel it in a seemingly
justifiable way. It is also possible that you and your spouse blame each
other for traits for which you secretly hold yourselves in reproach. For
instance, if you blame your partner for flirting, it may be that you feel
secretly guilty about your own flirtatious thoughts or acts.
For some people, there is a special pleasure in seeing another suffer. If
you were frequently blamed by your parents while you were growing up, you
may have adopted this blaming behavior or derive a special pleasure in seeing
your spouse suffer as you once did. Blaming is unproductive, unsatisfying, and
highly destructive to the blossoming of any warm, close, and loving feelings
between spouses. All the behaviors have the potential for starting vicious
cycles if they result in your mate’s feeling hurt and attacking in return.

Practicing good communication: - When speaking to couples that say


(convincingly) that they communicate will and make decisions to their mutual
satisfaction, we consistently find that in their marriages each spouse respects
the other and takes personal responsibility for how they communicate with one
another. These are people who are aware that good communication is an
essential part of a healthy marriage, and they are willing to work at it. The
following are the key principles of good marital communication: -
1. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind: - It is unfair and unrealistic
to expect someone else to read your mind. It is your responsibility to
express your thoughts and feelings to your mate.
2. Take time to talk and listen to your spouse: - Make communication a
priority in your marriage by setting aside time for casual conversations as
well as in-depth, intimate discussions. Don’t bring up a touchy subject
when you’re both exhausted or under stress. Choose an appropriate
place in talk. One of you may have no compunctions about arguing while
walking down the street; the other might feel terribly embarrassed by
any public display of emotion. Be considerate of each other’s feelings on
this matter.
3. Present your thoughts and feelings in a way that can be heard by your
mate; if you tend to yell or be sarcastic, work on expressing your feelings
in a way that is less offensive and less likely to provoke and cause
conflict. Humiliating, embarrassing, or criticizing your spouse only
lessens the chance that what you say will be heard by your mate. Be
aware that there is no benefit to your spouse’s feeling attacked. If your
tendency is to bottle up your feelings, you must work on airing your
dissatisfaction a constructive way – even though expressiveness does not
come naturally to you. If your spouse ignores your comments when you
do speak up, make it a point of saying that you need to heard. If
you’re unhappy with the way you and your spouse communicate with
each other – if you feel there is too much criticism, complaining, and
berating and enough open, positive interaction – suggest to your spouse
that you make it a point of devoting a certain amount of time each day to
sharing your thoughts and feelings only in a calm, respectful, positive
manner.

78
In the time you set aside, stay away from any touchy marital issues. Use
the ‘sharing time’ to practice positive communication skills:
• Reflect your mate’s feelings back to them so that they feel
understood (“you sound very angry at your boss today”).
• Be encouraging and reinforcing to your spouse with positive
statements (“when I was at lunch I thought about how much I
would have enjoyed your being there”).
If you and your spouse seem to find it impossible to talk about your
problems without fighting, you might try a more structured exercise, one
advocated by behavioral therapists: Together select a 15 minute period
that you can spend each day in talking with each other. During that time
take your telephone off the hook, turn your radio and television off, and
leave all distractions aside. Sit down opposite each other with your knees
touching, hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes. Take turns asking
the other three open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a
mere ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (don’t ask, “should we spend more time together”); try
to ask non- threatening questions and give non-offensive, non-
accusatory answers. Although such an exercise may seem contrived, it
will set you to thinking, about how you phrase your ideas and how you
respond to each other. It can foster positive habits by making you aware
of how to speak in a positive constructive manner.
4. State what the goal of your conversation is.
5. Listen fully and try to understand your spouse – you both must try to be
aware of all the possible multiple levels that may be getting activated by
the issued being dealt with. For instance, if your spouse is intensely
angered by your tendency to take charge, it may be that such strong
feelings are stirred because of unresolved childhood experiences with
authority figures. If you become aware that unconscious conflicts are
being stimulated in your spouse, that may not, of course, mean that you
necessarily want to concede the point now under discussion.
Nevertheless, your increased sensitivity may soften your position, or if
not that, if may enhance your ability to behave in an understanding
manner that will help you both prevent a malignant cycle from occurring.
Even if you don’t agree with your mate, try to make him or her feel
understood. The goal of communication is really understanding, not
necessarily agreement.
6. Learn to understand your spouse’s language: - Your spouse may speak in
different language from you, and if you are to be content in your
marriage, you must learn to understand that language. Rather than using
words to convey love or anger, your spouse may employ touching to
convey care, affection, sensuality, and aggression.
7. End an argument before it becomes destructive: - you must each take
responsibility for ending a heated argument at a certain point despite its
being unresolved. The longer angry, hurtful arguments go on, the uglier
and more destructive it will be.
8. Find other outlets: - There are sometimes when it’s just best not to
communicate. You have a hard day at the office – don’t take it out on
your spouse. Be alert to areas of your life where you may feel you’re not
adequately assertive – for instance with your parents, or with colleagues
in the work place.

79
Rather than communicate all that frustrations to your mate, focus on
releasing your feelings to the people for whom they are meant, (or
otherwise if you can’t do so, at least try to bring out all your feelings either
to your close friend, or wife) but don’t seek to relieve all your pressures at
home.

Spinning out and spacing out: - One of the biggest areas of conflict
and frustration between men and women is communication. Men listen to
gather information in order to solve problems, while women listen in order in
relate or share. A woman expands in search of the point she wants to make,
whereas a man expects her to get right to the point, the way a man would.
When a conversation is underway and the man falls silent, the woman often
mistakenly assumes that he is just unconcerned. His is doing what is natural
for him. He is mulling over his thoughts, to formulate a point to make. This is
hard for her to recognize because she processes her thoughts and feeling
through sharing them outside herself. For her, communication is not just a
sharing of information; it is sharing of herself. It is a basis for intimacy. It is
fulfilling and centering. When a woman is sharing what’s inside of her, if she
has a respectful, attentive, and caring listener she will feel safe to empty out
her purse (her inner feelings). Once everything is out, she will feel much more
centered and losing. She will greatly appreciate for support.

Mind reading: - Because men and women do not realize how different
they are, they assume that they know what the other is thinking or feeling
before it has been clearly stated. Just as women are especially vulnerable to
being interrupted, men are particularly sensitive to being doubted or
mistrusted. This is major communication trap, but we can end the cycle by
increasing our understanding of each other with respect, trust and compassion.
Women need to be reassured again and again that they are loved and special.
Now we will see what are the mistakes a partner does and how it is being
misconceived by the other partner even without the knowledge of the
committing partner. Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited
advice or tries to ‘help’ a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she
may should to him. Men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it
comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These
are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her
advice or criticism. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to
get close and not necessarily to get solutions. Women need to remember that
unsolicited advice or criticism –especially if he has made a mistake – make him
feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice. In
order to learn from his mistakes, When a man feels that a woman is not trying
to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
So also, a woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes
mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering
unsolicited advice or criticism. When a man resists a woman’s suggestions she
feels as though he doesn’t care; she feels her needs are not being respected.
As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support or
constructively share a difference of opinion, she may feel powerless to get what
she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism.

80
To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is,
however, a big step, by clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but
the way she approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and
explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will
realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being
approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about
problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and
gradually she will feel better on her own. When a woman resists a man’s
solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels
mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen
understandably lessens.
Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and
women don’t realize how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see
that both men and women unknowingly communicate in ways that are not only
counterproductive but may even be a turnoff. Men and women get their
feelings hurt most easily when they do not get the kind of primary love they
need. Women generally don’t realize the ways they communicate that are
unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to
a man’s feelings, but because his primary love needs are different from hers,
she doesn’t instinctively anticipate his needs. Though understanding a man’s
primary love needs, a woman can be more aware and sensitive to be sources
of his discontent. The following is a list of common communication mistakes
women make in relation to a man’s primary love needs.
Mistakes women commonly make:
1. She tries to improve his behaviour or help him by offering unsolicited
advice.
2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or
negative feelings (it is ok to share feelings but not when they attempt to
manipulate or punish).
3. She doesn’t acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what
he has not done.
4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if he were a child.
5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions
(like: “how could you do that?”).
6. When he makes decisions or takes initiatives she corrects or criticizes
him.
for which why he doesn’t feel loved (the following are in respective
to the above order):
• He feels unloved because she doesn’t trust him any more.
• He feels unloved because she doesn’t accept him as he is.
• He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn’t
appreciate what he does.
• He feels unloved because he doesn’t feel admired.
• He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her approval
of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
• He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things
on his own.

81
Just as women easily make mistakes when they don’t understand
what men primarily need, men also make mistakes.
Men generally don’t recognize the ways they communicate that are
disrespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is
unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what
she needs he cannot change his approach.
Through understanding a woman’s primary needs, a man can be more
sensitive to and respectful of her needs.
The following is a list of communication mistakes men make in
relation to a woman’s primary emotional needs.
1. He doesn’t listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or
concerned questions.
2. He takes her feeling literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for
solutions so he gives advice.
3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for
bringing him down.
4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes
children or work more important.
5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not
be upset.
6. After listening he says nothing or just walks away.

for which why she doesn’t feel loved (in order of the above
respectively):
• She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he
cares.
• She feels unloved because he doesn’t understand her.
• She feels unloved because he doesn’t respect her feelings.
• She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn’t
honor her as special.
• She feels unloved because he doesn’t validate her feelings but
instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
• She feels insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she
needs.

When love fails: - love often fails because people instinctively give
what they want.
Because a woman’s primary love needs are to be cared for, understood
and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and
understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn’t
trust him, being trusted is his primary need, not being cared for; then when he
doesn’t respond positively to her caring she can’t understand why he doesn’t
appreciate her brand of support.

82
He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn’t what she
needs; so they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other’s needs. In
one instance wherein a couple, by name Beth and Arthur complained about
their inability to carry on their marriage, Beth complained, saying, “I just can’t
keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn’t appreciate what I give. I love
him, but he doesn’t love me.”; whereas Arthur complained, saying, “ Nothing I
do is ever good enough, I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried every thing and she
still doesn’t love me, I love her, but it’s just not working.”
In fact, Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years, they both felt
like giving up because they didn’t feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be
giving more love that they were getting back. Beth believed she was giving
more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both
giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed. They did love
each other, but because they didn’t understand their partner’s primary needs
their love wasn’t getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive
while Arthur was giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out.
Many people give up when relationships become too difficult.
Relationships become easier when we understand out partner’s primary needs.
Without giving more but by giving more but by giving what is required we do
not burn out.
This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains
why out sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn
how to give the love he or she primarily needs.
1. Learning to listen without getting angry: - the number one way a man
can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s primary love needs is through
communication. As we have discussed before, communication is
particularly important for womenfolk. By learning to listen to a woman’s
feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring,
understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. One of the
biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become
frustrated or angry because they forget that women are different and
that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below
outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some
suggestions about what to do. Now we will see below the important
points to remember to listen without getting angry:
2. Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view, and
this is never her fault.
3. Remember that feelings don’t always make sense right away, but they
are still valid and need empathy.
4. Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make
things better. Even if she doesn’t immediately feel better, your listening
and understanding will definitely help.

5. Remember you don’t have to agree to understand her point of view or to


be appreciated as a good listener.
6. Remember you do not fully have to understand her point of view to
succeed in being good listener.
7. Remember you are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as
though she is blaming you, but she really needs to be understood.

83
8. Remember that if she makes you really angry she is probably mistrusting
you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl who is afraid of opening up and
being hurt and who needs your kindness and compassion.

for which what to do and what not to do respective in order of the


above:
1. Take responsibility to understand don’t blame her for upsetting you.
Start again trying to understand.
2. Breath deeply, don’t say anything. Relax and go of trying to control. Try
to imagine how you would feel if you saw the world through her eyes.
· · Don’t blame her for not feeling better from your solutions.
How can she feel better when solutions are not what she needs?
Resist the urge to offer solutions.
· · If you wish to express a differing point of view make sure she
is finished and then rephrase her point of view before giving your
own. Do not raise your voice.
· · Let her know you don’t understand but want to. Take
responsibility for not understanding; do not judge her or imply
she cannot be understood.
· · Refrain from defending, yourself until she feels that you
understand and care. Then it is ok gently to explain yourself or to
apologise.
· · Do not argue her feeling and opinions. Take time out and
discuss things later when there is less emotional charge.
When a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and
frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express
herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and
understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust,
acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he
needs.
The art of empowering a man: - Just as men need to learn the art of
listening to fulfill a woman’s primary love needs, women need to learn the art
of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers
him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted,
accepted, appreciated, admired, approved of, and encouraged. Like in our story
of the knight in shining armour, many women try to help their man by
improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change
him takes away the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration,
approval, and encouragement that re his primary needs. The secret of
empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you
may want him to change – just don’t act on that desire. Only if he directly and
specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in changing.
A man resists changing him or improving him, he doesn’t buckle under
pressure, but he can easily be rehabilitated. For women it is considered a
loving gesture to offer advice; but for men it is not. Women need to remember
that men do not offer advice unless it is directly requested. A way of showing
love is to trust another man to solve his problems on his own. This doesn’t
mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It is ok for her to feel frustrated or
even angry, as long as she doesn’t try to change him. Any attempt to change
him is unsupportive and counterproductive.

84
When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their
relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements.
She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.
Why man resists change: - In a myriad of ways she tries to change him
or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him love, but he feels
controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her
because he feels she is reflecting him. When a woman tries to change a man,
he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change
and grow. If you ask all the men and women when a room is filled with
hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more
a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists. The problem is that when
a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response.
She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does
not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing
because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved,
trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to
change, grow, and improve.
Two kinds of men and one kind of behaviors: - There are two kinds of
men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries
to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and
revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively
resists. When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either
consciously or unconsciously repeat the behaviors that is not being accepted.
He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and
accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting
way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel
accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to
improve.
Men don’t want to be improved: - Just as men want to explain why
women shouldn’t be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn’t behave
the way they do. Just as men mistakenly want to “fix” women, women
mistakenly try to “improve” men. Men see the world through their own eyes.
Their motto is “don’t fix it, if it isn’t broken.” when a woman attempts to
change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This
hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn’t feel loved and
accepted. A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To
accept a person’s imperfections is not easy, especially when we see how he
could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand
that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any
way.
The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man to growing
and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way. Therefore what
she needs to remember:
· Don’t ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel
you are trying to change him.
· Give up trying to improve him any way. He needs your love, not
rejection, to grow.
· When you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled,
or rejected.
· When a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling
loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.

85
· If you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will
feel pressured to change.
· You can share negative feeling without trying to change him. When
he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen.
· If you give him directions and make decisions for him he will feel
corrected and controlled.
for which what she can do in order of the above:
· Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show
some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.
· Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without the
demand that he change.
· Practice patience and trust that he will learn on his own what he
needs to learn. Wait until he asks for your advice.
· Practice showing him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to deserve
your love. Practice forgiveness.
· Proactive doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make
you happy.
· When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell
him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into
consideration.
· Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his
feelings more important than perfection and don’t lecture or correct
him.
As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are
most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become
automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner’s love primary needs you
can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your
relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.
Keeping the magic of love alive: Feelings that we could not express in
our past suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love
thaws out repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to
surface into our relationship. We are all walking around with a bundle of
unresolved feelings. When we feel safe to be ourselves, our hurt feelings come-
up. For years we have suppressed our painful feelings. Then one day we fall in
love, and love makes us feel safe enough to open up and become aware of our
feelings. Love opens us up and we start to feel our pain. When the unresolved
feelings from childhood are coming up, we easily interpret our partner’s
comments as criticism, rejection, and blame. In the beginning of the
relationship we may not be as sensitive. It takes time for our past feelings to
come up. But when they do so come up, we react differently to our partners.
When a man’s past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly
sensitive at those times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman’s past
comes up is when her self-esteem crashes. She sends into the well of her
feelings and needs tender loving care. Understanding how the feelings of the
past come up gives us a greater understanding of why our partners react the
way they do. It is part of their healing process. Give them some time to cool off
and become centered again. It is a paradox that because you feel safe with
your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface
you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.

86
Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings
that are coming up get stuck. When our unresolved feelings are being
projected on our intimate partner, he or she is powerless to help us.
When we expect another person to react as we would, we inevitably feel
frustrated if they react differently. Out of frustration, we may automatically
begin to invalidate our partner’s feeling reactions even though our original
intent was nurture and support them. We also may offend out partner by
treating him or her the way we want to be treated. We mistakenly assume that
‘what is good for me is good for you’. Problems arise when we expect another
to think, feel, and behave the way we do. Women frequently misinterpret a
man’s love by evaluating his behavior according to their feminine standards. It
is hard to respond in a caring, understanding, and respectful way when you
assume that your partner should think and feel the way you do. The vast
majority of conflicts between men and women stem from one basic
misunderstanding: we assume that we are the same when, in many ways, men
and women are as different as aliens from separate planets would be. Without
an understanding of how we are different, all our efforts to unravel the
mysteries of keeping love’s magic alive cannot even begin to bear fruit. The
bond of love diminishes when men and women are unable to understand,
respect, appreciate, and accept their differences. In fact, men tend to ‘shut
down’ completely in an instant and then open up just as quickly: women do not
understand this; once they open up to a person it takes them a long time to
close down completely. Men tend to assume that once they please a woman,
she will stay that way. After winning or earning the love of a woman, men may
become lazy in the relationship. As long as she continues to give with a smile
on her face, he assumes that he is giving enough. He doesn’t feel motivated to
give more.
Not understanding our differences creates problems in our relationships.
With an awareness of their differences men and women can begin to construct
new solutions to age-old conflicts. The desire to understand another with an
attitude of acceptance is the basis of a positive and loving relationship. Giving
your loved ones permission to be different opens a new dimension in which
love can blossom.
Intimacy thrives on the communication of truth; but without an
understanding of the underlying purpose of communication, even the best
communication skills will inevitably fail. When we communicate to intimidate,
threaten, disapprove, hurt, fault-find, or make someone feel guilty, we are
misusing communication. We may succeed in controlling, but inevitably we will
create resentment. True and effective communication has the intent to share
our understanding and more thoroughly share another’s understanding. One of
the common problems in relationships is that after we get to know someone,
we have strong tendency to believe that the meaning we give to their words
and gestures is accurate. We think we know what they mean; yet we
frequently misunderstand their intended meaning. We jump to the wrong
conclusions. Most of the emotions tension in relationships arises from
misunderstandings. Good communication lessens the chances of
misunderstanding and ensures more positive relationships.
Most of negative judgments are the projections onto others of the
opinions we secretly have about ourselves. When we resent, we are holding on
to our negative judgments. They stay firmly rooted until we experience some
forgiveness.

87
When we are unable to release our judgments, their power to provoke
increases, no matter how good you think you are at disguising resentment, it is
revealed in your actions, choice of words, body language, eyes, and tone of
voice. It will seep out whether you are aware of it or not. If you are free of
resentment and you begin to negatively judge a person, it can easily be
replaced minutes later with a positive judgment. But when you feel resentful,
you are actually holding on to that judgment, either consciously or
unconsciously. Does resentment provoke negative reactions, but it also
negates the effectiveness of common with an attitude of resentment, it is
almost impossible for the person you are resenting to stay open to you. One of
the reasons communication can be so easy at the beginning of a relationship is
that there is not build up of resentment. Accumulated resentment undermines
the growth of love in a relationship. The first step toward releasing resentment
is to claim your responsibility; understand how you provoke the responses you
get. Then, with a greater understanding of your partner and with better
communication, forgiveness will become easier. The repression of resentments
can make relationships very confusing.
We become capable of taking responsibility when we recognize how our
negative judgments, hidden or expressed, actually provoke much of the base
or lack of support we get. The knowledge of how we are different gives us the
power to be more accepting, understanding, respectful, and appreciative. The
knowledge of how our secret resentments provoke others frees us to be more
responsible for what we get and better able to practice forgiveness. With
greater understanding of our differences, we can release the judgments that
compel us to change our partners rather than to appreciate and support them.
An important key to making relationships work is taking equal
responsibility for what happens in the relationship and practicing forgiveness.
The true differences between men and women are actually
complementary, giving each the opportunity to find balance.
These complementary differences are what draw us to each other and
create the mysterious feeling we call love. The magic of difference creates yet
another dimension to loving relationships.
As we accept and appreciate the differences between people, we begin to
also see the similarities.
The right person to share your life with is generally a blend of
complementary differences and similarities. From the vantage point of
understanding and respecting our differences; we can more clearly appreciate
our similarities.
Recognizing our similarities gives rise to positive attitudes like
compassion, empathy, understanding, acceptance, tolerance, and oneness.
Acknowledging our differences creates attraction, appreciation, interest,
respect, purposefulness, and excitement.
A woman changes for sentiments and man changes for better
results, or recognition.
How she unknowingly turns him off: - As a man continues to fail to
satisfy and fulfill his female partner, woman corrects his decisions without
being asked to, she unknowingly hurts him and lays a foundation for him to
become less motivated and caring. Women correct men because they think it
will motivate or help them to change.

88
What a man needs: - a man cannot admit he erred unless he can figure
out a way he could have acted differently
What a woman needs: - When a woman is upset she needs time to
explore her feelings through sharing. Men typically go into judgment and blame
when a woman is upset. She needs, instead, for him to listen and support her
without trying to fix her or correct her feelings.
How man hurts woman: - Judgments that arise from resentment
never serve to improve one’s partner. When a woman is upset or under stress,
she needs the time and support to discover for herself how she can change to
be more loving, accepting, appreciative, and trusting. This will naturally happen
when she is able to share and explore her inner feelings. Because men and
women do not understand their respective stress reactions and the unique
needs that they possess. Their inherent positive characteristics become
overshadowed by negative feelings, beliefs, perspectives and attitudes.
Our dark sides: - If a man is unable to maintain his objectivity when his
subjective feelings emerge, then his feelings will tend to reflect his dark side.
Many times a woman will try to get a man to share his feelings when he needs
to be silent and mull things over in his mind. She has no idea that she is
fanning the fire of negative and dark reactions in this man trying to draw out
his feelings. She does this instinctively because being essentially feminine or
subjective, she knows that she needs someone to draw her out when she is
upset and she especially needs to explore her feelings.
Masculine violence: - When a man is hurt he generally feels a
compulsion to release his hurt by inflicting it on someone else. In a primitive
way, when a man is possessed by his pain, by inflicting it on others he can
objectively experience his pain and release it. To brioche out of this uncivilized
cycle of revenge and payback; a man must be able to feel and communicate
his pain. To begin to develop an ability to communicate pain in a safe way, a
man needs to listen to the pain of others who have suffered similar injustice. In
hearing the pain of others, he is able to feel, share, and heal his own pain
without taking revenge. As a result, he becomes more capable of hearing a
woman’s pain. He becomes more compassionate and understanding.
Righteous aggression: - Another way men express their aggression is
through being self-righteous. He believes that she is responsible for his
destructive and negative behavior, and deserves to be punished. This is never
true. Two wrongs do not make a right. Peace in our relationships hinges on the
development of our feminine side.
Feminine violence: - Woman can of course be violent, but this
generally occurs when her feminine side has been hurt so much that she
becomes more masculine to protect herself. To truly assuage her hurt, a
woman primarily needs her pain to be heard, shared, or felt by others. She
needs compassion and understanding to release her pain. When she unable to
elicit enough compassion, she unconsciously seeks to compensate by trying to
get sympathy. The strategy employed by the female psyche is to induce guilt in
others, hoping that they will change their ways; this strategy hurts a man and
he then seeks revenge. Women have felt compelled to be victims in order to
warrant the sympathy of others. In a backward way, by being victimized she
feels more worthy of love, compassion, and support. In some cases, a woman
will begin to punish herself when her hurt goes unhealed and unheard.
Negative self-talk: - The main way a woman hurts herself, however, is
subjectively. Through negative self-talk she abuses herself. The major
symptom of negative self-talk is a feeling of unworthiness, helplessness, and
self-pity.

89
Through self-pity she denies her power to create more in her life and
indirectly blames others, thus affirming her powerlessness. As women learn to
share their hurt without self-pity and resentment and consequently receive the
compassion they needs, they gradually can release the tendency to feel self-
pity. As men learn to share their pain and listen to and understand the pain of
others, they gradually release the tendency to be mean or violent. Given the
needed understanding, love, and support, it seems almost miraculous how
quickly a person can begin to release these deep and unconscious patterns.
In summary, under stress a man needs time and space to find objective
solutions (positive behavior), and a woman need time and attention to find her
subjective solutions (positive behavior). When they are unable to give
themselves the support they need, they run the risk of being possessed by
their dark sides.
The art of fulfilling relationships: - When a man’s work fails, he
begins to doubt his worthiness. In a complementary way, when her husband
ignores a woman, she begins to doubt her worthiness. Every day, a woman
needs to receive some form of verbal reassurance that she is loved.
A woman needs symbols of love. The quality of attention is the most
important sign of love. Women love to be singled out and treated specially by
the men in their lives.
The simple formula to make a woman feels special is:
• treat her differently and first;
• don’t save the best for last;
• a woman never tires of hearing and seeing the ways her man
loves her.
• To help a woman feel loved and valued, a man needs to share his
frustration and disappointment when he is not getting the
appreciation and emotional support that he needs.
• Not only does this support a woman in feeling her importance, but
it also let her know how to give more support effectively.
• As a man learns to communicate his emotional needs, this not
only increases a woman’s self-worth, but also inspires her to give
more.
Either partner may be better or the best, in a trait and the other partner,
instead of enjoying or dominating, envying over it, should accept it and make
use of it for the benefit of the unit. Such potentiality should not give way for
egoism within marriage. So also the other partner should not exploit it but
rather help for the personality development or both make use of it to the
advantage of the unit or for helping others outside their marriage, or family.
The couple should understand each other’s needs, desires, ambitions,
values and characteristics; accept them as it is as a package; thereafter slowly
and lovingly try to rectify the negative points in those five in each other to the
advantage of marriage but not to the tune, or advantage, of self. Absolute
understanding is possible through: love, communication, flexibility and
compatibility, security of respect and care, togetherness and intimacy.
When we study and analyzed the concept of marriage, we arrive at the
core of the creation of the concept as the concept of marriage is conceived and
framed by society basically for the care of the consequence of human sexual
relationship and also for mutuality.

90
Here the fundamental, basic and love factor/aspect of the marriage is
“care”. Whether it is called by love, or mutuality, or contract, or etc, but
basically the concept of marriage is derived for and the system of marriage is
maintained by this factor viz., care.
Therefore, we eventually conclude that any conflict, or problem, may be
understood properly only when we first understand the complementary nature
between men and women and how psychologically differ in their approach and
reactions; and if we are able to suitably adapt to the nature without changing
one’s basic nature but only to satisfy the partner taking care of the primary
love needs of one’s partner to the partner’s satisfaction, major conflicts and
problems automatically vanish in our marriage.
With this we conclude this chapter: ‘Basic factors for smooth marital life’
with wishing you a very happy and peaceful married life.

91