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1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here. 2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 486 passwords. 3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance. 6. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups. 7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line. 9. Send urgent email all in uppercases. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy. 11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here. 13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators. 16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway. 18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries. 21. We like installing Windows. If you're taking night classes in computer science. We function better when slightly dizzy. we just love to hear ourselves talk. re-send the job at least 20 times. 26. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade. When the printer won't print. 34. We're getting paid for this. 32. 23. We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face. eat your lunch in his face. 30. Don't use on-line help. 24. of computer sitting on top of them. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work. 22. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done. We're grateful for the overtime money. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog. 33. Don't ever thank us. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder. We had no friends when we were in college. 28. set the display to true colour. 25. feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner. 27. One of them is bound to work. send the job to all 68 printers in the branch. If you have administrator’s privileges. 35. 36. lie. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When a tech finds torrent files in your Recycle Bin. feel free to change the local administrator's password to "biteme" and promptly forget it. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon. tell her you've never seen those before. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer. 20. reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going. feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. too. 1280 x 1024. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack". .19. On-line help is for wimps. that's why we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps. 29. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting. We don't actually mean for you to do anything. don't bother. If you're an intern. help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. 31. blame it on the mail upgrade. read the paper. lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer. When a tech makes popcorn.
shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. call tech support. 44. We like getting physical with 5. 49. 48. 43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet. if you weren't sure. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack shit about the problem. 42. call tech support. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue. send your black and white print job to the color printer. the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're discussing the new Intel processor.37. 51. ask your secretary to call the help desk. Due to budget restrictions. 41. Hell. send an email to the entire department. 53. When you need to change the toner cartridge. you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end. would you? 39. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. When you lose your car keys. 52. We love to hack. 50. When you receive a 30-meg movie file. We don't do dating. you wouldn't be doing it. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday. 47. We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap. 46. ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief. send it to everyone as a mail attachment. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank. 38. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in a domain. sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We get the black toner for free. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk. 45. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have got laid. we double as 192. they won't be doing anything useful until the next major Windows release. call tech support. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We got lots of disk space on that mail server and internet bandwidth is unlimited.25 floppy drive.000 worth of computer equipment on a cart. 40. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing £15. walk right up to them and ask a computer question. ask a computer question. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. We don't do weekends. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on. . Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. When you can't find someone in the government directory. When something's the matter with your computer.
you don't make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either. If you hate PC's. 60. down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. leave the documentation at home. 55. where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk. just tell us that you've lost your X: drive.54. Keep it crashin'! . 63. 61. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college. It's just like a real office. We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face. If you miss Windows 3. feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak. 59. We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old. 64. just don't use them. If your son is a student in computer science. disable the Virus Shield. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.1. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office. It makes troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that you don't. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms.exe in your SYSTEM.exe. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer. switch to Greek. that's all. 62. 58. without which none of this would have been remotely possible. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. Again. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We know all that shit by heart. When you detect a Greek accent in a tech's voice. find the line that goes shell=explorer. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine. 57. get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac. have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer.INI file and replace it with shell=progman. 56. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic makes your Access database flip out. 65. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.