HOW ASSERTIVE AM I?

Introduction to the self-perception questionnaire

The objective of the self-perception questionnaire is to help you to identify the different ways in which you think
and feel about yourself and others, and behave towards others.

Scoring instructions
1. There are eighty statements; respond with ”Yes” if the statement is like or true of you and “No” if the
statement is unlike or untrue of you. Simply circle your response, “Yes” or “No”.
2. Respond to the statements as spontaneously and honestly as you can. The more honest you are with
yourself the more relevant and significant will be your results.
3. Ensure that you respond to all the statements. It will take you approximatively 5 minutes to complete the
questionnaire.
4. When you have completed the questionnaire turn to the scoring chart and circle all the numbers to which
you have responded “Yes”, ignore those to which you have responded “No”
5. You score 1 point for each “Yes” that you have circled.
6. Add and total you scores in the vertical columns.
7. Then turn to the section “Interpreting your scores”. It is important that you complete the questionnaire before
reading this section, otherwise it may influence how you respond to the statements.

Self-Perception Questionnaire

I have a tendency to think that I am often acknowledged by

1 Yes No 41 Yes No
others are better than me. others for what I do.
I have a tendency to be
I am often suspicious of others’
2 Yes No 42 inconsistent about what I tell Yes No
motives.
people.
I usually rely on others to make I am generally quick to criticize
3 Yes No 43 Yes No
decisions for me. others.
Yes I am often easily hurt by
4 I often feel angry towards others. No 44 Yes No
others.
I have a tendency to let others I usually let others make
5 Yes No 45 Yes No
take responsibility for me. decisions for me.
I generally have a sense of well- I am often hostile towards
6 Yes No 46 Yes No
being. people.
I often have difficulty in getting I am often short-tempered with
7 Yes No 47 Yes No
close to people. people.
I have a tendency to mistrust other I usually enjoy getting involved
8 Yes No 48 Yes No
people. with and committed to tasks.
I have a tendency to keep myself I generally take account of
9 Yes No 49 Yes No
to myself. others’ needs and wants.
I prefer others to take the lead and I have a tendency to avoid eye
10 Yes No 50 Yes No
for me to follow. contact.
I usually express my feelings I often feel resentful towards
11 Yes No 51 Yes No
openly towards others. others.
I often assume I won’t get what I
12 Yes No 52 I rarely ask for what I want. Yes No
want.
I often think others are after I usually assume that I won’t
13 Yes No 53 Yes No
something when they thank me. get what I want.
I have a tendency to feel
14 I often feel miserable. Yes No 54 Yes No
lonely.

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Assertiveness@Nathalie COX Assertiveness – Self-Perception Test
 When I ask for what I want I I often feel that others have let
15 Yes No 55 Yes No
generally give people no choice. me down.
I usually tell people rather than ask I usually ask questions in
16 Yes No 56 Yes No
them to do things. order to gather information.
I generally check out my
I have a tendency to blame others
17 Yes No 57 assumptions with the people Yes No
when things go wrong.
concerned.
I seek others’ views when making
18 Yes No 58 I try not to offend other people. Yes No
decisions which affect them.
I often fantasise about ways of
I have a tendency to put myself
19 Yes No 59 getting my own back on Yes No
down.
others.
When asked I often don’t know I usually tell people what I
20 Yes No 60 Yes No
what I want. think
I am usually cautious about what I I generally say sorry when I
21 Yes No 61 Yes No
say to others about myself. have made a mistake.
I am usually listen to and take I readily accept that people will
22 Yes No 62 Yes No
account of others’ views. say “No” to me sometimes.
I generally enjoy getting on with I have a tendency to jump to
23 Yes No 63 Yes No
my work. and draw conclusions.
I usually deal with conflict I rarely tell others what I really
24 Yes No 64 Yes No
situations directly. think or feel.
I rarely say “No” when asked to do I usually go along with what
25 Yes No 65 Yes No
something. other people want.
26 I have a tendency to be sarcastic. Yes No 66 I usually feel inferior to others. Yes No
I usually have difficulty in I am frequently demotivated in
27 Yes No 67 Yes No
delegating to others. my work.
I generally have creative solutions I am often despondent about
28 Yes No 68 Yes No
to problems. things in general.
When I refuse a request I usually I have a tendency to dismiss
29 Yes No 69 Yes No
feel guilty. others’ wants and needs.
I have a tendency to be anxious I usually respect other people
30 Yes No 70 Yes No
about what people think of me. irrespective of their views.
I generally avoid taking on
31 Yes No 71 I readily take on responsibility. Yes No
responsibility.
I have a tendency to see others as I am quick to put other
32 Yes No 72 Yes No
more important than me. peoples’ ideas down.
I am generally quick to feel I am usually anxious about
33 Yes No 73 Yes No
criticized. upsetting other people.
I often think I am the only one who I regularly seek feedback from
34 Yes No 74 Yes No
can do the job correctly. other people.
I generally deal with conflict I am usually keen to spot the
35 Yes No 75 Yes No
situations indirectly. flaws in others’ arguments.
I usually enjoy discussing ideas I often have negative thoughts
36 Yes No 76 Yes No
with people. about myself and others.
37 I rarely give praise to others. Yes No 77 I usually feel equal to others. Yes No
I usually find it difficult to sort out In often expect that people will
38 Yes No 78 Yes No
my problems. dislike me.
I rarely receive feedback about my I have a tendency to be put
39 Yes No 79 Yes No
behaviour. upon by others.
I regularly appreciate others for I usually assume that others
40 Yes No 80 Yes No
what they have done. will not get on with me.

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 Scoring Chart
Passive 1 3 5 1 1 2 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 5 6 6 7 7 7
0 9 0 5 9 0 2 4 5 2 3 8 5 6 3 8 9
Manipulative 2 7 8 1 1 2 2 3 3 3 4 4 5 5 5 6 6 6 7 8
3 4 1 6 1 5 8 2 6 0 4 9 4 7 8 6 0
Aggressive 4 9 1 1 1 1 2 3 3 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 6 7 7
2 5 6 7 7 3 4 7 9 3 7 1 5 0 3 9 2 5
Assertive 6 1 1 2 2 2 2 3 4 4 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 7 7 7
1 8 2 3 4 8 6 0 1 8 9 6 7 1 2 0 1 4 7

Interpreting your scores

Scores 14-20, suggest that this is how you regularly think and feel about yourself and others, and behave
towards them.
Scores 7-13, suggest that this is how you frequently think and feel about yourself and others, and behave
towards them.
Scores 0-6, suggest that this is how you rarely think and feel about yourself and others, and behave towards
them.

If your highest score, or one of your highest scores, is Passive, then some or all of the following characteristics
are likely to be true of you:
 Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem  Feelings of inferiority compared to others
 Lack of self-respect  Like others to be in control of people and
 Self put-downs situations
 Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself  Feel guilty towards others
 Demotivated

If your highest score, or one of your highest scores, is Manipulative, then some or all of the following
characteristics are likely to be true of you:
 Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem  Dishonest and indirect
 Lack of self-respect and lack of respect for others  Twist what others have said
 Mistrustful and suspicious of others’ motives  Undermine other’s self-esteem
 Negative feelings and thoughts about self and  Depressed and demotivated
others

If your highest score, or one of your highest scores, is Aggressive, then some or all of the following
characteristics are likely to be true of you:
 Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem  Disinterested in others’ thoughts and feelings
 Lack of respect towards others  Feel angry towards others and are quick to
 Put others down blame them
 Feelings of superiority  Don’t listen to or ask others questions
 Like to be in control of people and situations  Dismissive of feedback

If your highest score, or one of your highest scores, is Assertive, then some or all of the following characteristics
are likely to be true of you:
 Self-confidence and high self-esteem  Ask questions
 Respect for self and towards others  Honest and direct

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Assertiveness@Nathalie COX Assertiveness – Self-Perception Test
  Take responsibility for self  Listen to others
 Motivated to do a good job  Ask others for feedback
 Interested in others’ feelings and thoughts
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE ……

SELF PERCEPTION = PASSIVE

If you have diagnosed your attitude and behaviour to be passive, then you are probably aware of your lack of
self-confidence. A lack of confidence in yourself has far-reaching consequences for you since you tend to avoid
taking on responsibility ad committing to ideas or people. Instead of committing yourself to ideas and people you
end up complying with them. You are likely to experience others as making too many demands of you and to
find it difficult to either say “No” or to make requests. One of the first steps in moving towards developing self-
confidence is for you to realize that you are responsible for yourself and that you can influence others through
your own behaviour.

Passive attitude and behaviour: I’m not OK – You’re OK

The person whose attitude and behaviour is passive lacks confidence in himself or herself. People who are
lacking in self-confidence tend to compare themselves to others and to find themselves lacking by comparison.
They are likely to invite negative recognition from others which confirms their negative view of themselves. All
too often they find people to put them down whose attitude and behaviour is aggressive. People tend to cope
with their lack of self-confidence by putting others down and so the passive person is often a sitting target. This
symbiotic relationship is further discussed under aggressive behaviour.
The I’m not OK – You’re OK Life Position is unconsciously decided upon by the child in the early years of life,
often leading to the child complying with her or his parents’ requests and/or rebelling against them. Whilst
healthy adaptation is an important part of socialization, compliance due to a lack of self-esteem is demotivating
and can potentially lead a person to behave manipulatively.

SELF PERCEPTION = MANIPULATIVE

If you have diagnosed yourself as manipulative then you are probably aware of your lack of self-confidence.
Your perception of yourself suggests that you find it difficult to trust others, indeed you may well find it difficult to
trust yourself. You are likely to suspect and expect others to be somewhat devious with you and to experience
yourself as being devious with them. You are also probably aware of having negative thoughts and feelings
about yourself and towards others. A manipulative attitude and behaviour is both self-destructive and devisive
towards others. Whether you made the decision I’m not OK –You’re not OK in the first years of your life or you
are currently experiencing many changes in your life, some of which you feel are out of your control, it is
important to remember that you can change your attitude and behaviour to being assertive.

Manipulative attitude and behaviour: I’m not OK- You’re not OK

A person whose attitude and behaviour is manipulative has a negative opinion of herself or himself and of others.
Her or his behaviour is self-destructive and destructive towards others. The person is usually depressed and
demotivated. Many people have experienced themselves moving into this Life Position I’m not OK- You’re not
OK during a major transition in their lives. In particular, managers who have not been consulted about a decision
which directly affects them have reported feeling very negative about themselves and towards the organization.

SELF PERCEPTION = AGGRESSIVE

If you have diagnosed yourself as aggressive you are probably aware of your lack of self-confidence by behaving
aggressively towards others. You hide your inner lack of self-confidence by behaving aggressively towards
others. Your attitude towards others tends to be defensive; you imagine that people are “out to get you” in some
way and that you have to protect yourself from them. Although the underlying Life Position of aggressive
behaviour is I’m OK- You’re not OK this Position and behaviour are often a way of managing a lack of self-
confidence and an I’m not OK – You’re OK Life Position. One of the ways in which you manage your lack of self-

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Assertiveness@Nathalie COX Assertiveness – Self-Perception Test
confidence is to compare yourself to others, to put them down and to feel better than them. As a result of this
behaviour you may well feel better in yourself for a while; however, feelings of self-worth which are experienced
at others’ expense are usually short-lived and rather superficial.

Aggressive attitude and behaviour: I’m OK – You’re not OK

Assertive behaviour is frequently confused with aggressive behaviour. Managers often describe the sort of
person they view as being assertive as someone who “get things done”, “knows what they want and go for it”.
Whilst these are true of the person who is behaving assertively, all too often she or he is someone whose style of
managing is one that they do not respect, because the person gets things done by telling people what to do and
goes for what they want without respecting or considering the views of others.
Managers are often surprised that underlying aggressive behaviour and the I’m not OK – You’re not OK Life
Position is a lack of self-confidence and that this Position is indeed a way of coping with the basic decision and
Life Position I’m not OK – You’re OK. Understanding this can be of enormous help when dealing with people
who appear to be aggressive and also when you recognize your behaviour as aggressive.
There is a symbiotic relationship between aggressive and passive behaviours. Very often people whose Life
Position I’m not OK- You’re OK attract people whose Life Position is I’m OK – You’re not OK and vice versa,
since people whose attitude and behaviour is passive think that everyone else is better than them, and those
whose attitude and behaviour is aggressive think that they are better than everyone else.

SELF PERCEPTION = ASSERTIVE

If you have diagnosed yourself as assertive then you are probably aware of feeling confident in yourself most of
the time. You are also probably aware of situations in which you tend to lack confidence and of behaving non-
assertively in them. It is useful to recognize the negative attitude and non-assertive behaviour which you tend to
adopt when you are lacking in confidence. Many managers who have a positive attitude and whose behaviour is
for the most part assertive find that under pressure their behaviour becomes aggressive. Once you recognize
your negative attitude and non-assertive behaviour you can consciously choose to think positively and behave
assertively.

Assertive attitude and behaviour I’m OK – You’re OK

The assertive Life Position I’m OK – You’re OK is a conscious decision, whereas the other three negative Life
Positions are made unconsciously and non-verbally by the child.
Once you are aware of your early unconscious decision you can change it to the positive and assertive fourth
Life Position. This is not to say that your attitude will always be positive nor that your behaviour will always be
assertive; however you will be aware of the difference not only in how you feel and think about yourself and
others but also what impact your behaviour is having on people. Also, having recognized your own early
decision, and having made the decision to change you will be able to help others recognize and change their
own negative Life Position to the positive Life Position.
What motivates people to change? The process of transition is difficult for many people. It usually involves
taking risks as well as giving up and letting go of attitudes and behaviours of which we are either unaware or of
which we are secretly fond. The impact of our changed attitude and behaviour on others can also involve further
changes, as people with whom we previously colluded are challenged by our behaviour – for example, in the
symbiotic relationship between two people who have respectively, the I’m OK – You’re OK and I’m not OK –
You’re OK Life Positions.
When you feel confident in yourself and are focusing on positive thoughts and feelings your behaviour will be
assertive; your assertive behaviour will in turn challenge others to change their behaviour and to respond
differently to you.
One of the problems managers frequently express is that whilst their behaviour is different and more assertive it
is everyone else who needs to change their behaviour. Through changing your own attitudes and behaviour you
can influence the attitudes and behaviour of others; you cannot change as such the attitudes and behaviour of
others, only influence. This is the power of your own attitudes and behaviour as a manager on everyone with
whom you interact.

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Assertiveness@Nathalie COX Assertiveness – Self-Perception Test
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