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LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

“WRITING PACKET”

written by

GREG OTT

GREG OTT
337 Union St., Apt #2
Brooklyn, NY 11231
greg.ott@me.com
248 431 7009
1.

LATE SHOW MONOLOGUE 7/17/20

[TAKE: SOT: COLD OPEN]


[TAKE: SOT: SHOW OPEN WITH LIVE BAND]
WELCOME TO A LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT’S BEEN SIXTEEN WEEKS SINCE WE WERE FORCED TO LEAVE THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER. I’VE BEEN LEAVING PILES OF GARBAGE ON MY SIDEWALK JUST TO REMIND
MYSELF OF WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE BACK IN NEW YORK CITY.

BUT FROM COAST-TO-COAST, BETWEEN THE BIG APPLE AND THE BIG AVOCADO ON
GLUTEN-FREE TOAST, IT’S NOT JUST THE TRASH THAT’S ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF
NEW YORK.

A NEW CRACKDOWN ON PROTESTS IN PORTLAND, OREGON, SHOWS THAT THE


BEAVER STATE IS IN A LOT OF DAM TROUBLE.
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: ANCHOR 7/16/20 CBS: “It’s been more than a month and a half since protesters
began a nightly routine of clashing with police downtown. It’s been about a week since the
White House declared Portland under siege and sent in federal officers.”]
(ON CAM)
FEDERAL AGENTS ARE TAKING EXTREME MEASURES TO CLAMP DOWN ON PROTESTS
UNDER TRUMP’S EXECUTIVE ORDER ON PROTECTING AMERICAN MONUMENTS,
MEMORIALS, AND STATUES.
(AS TRUMP)
“MY ADMINISTRATION WILL NOT BE TAKING DOWN ANY OF THIS NATION’S BELOVED
BIGOTS, REVERED RACISTS, AND SACRED SLAVEHOLDERS, UNLESS JEFF SESSIONS
RUNS FOR OFFICE AGAIN.”

OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS DISPATCHED SCORES OF
SECRET POLICE TO PORTLAND, MADE UP OF MORE THAN 2,000 OFFICIALS FROM FIVE
DIFFERENT FEDERAL AGENCIES.
(CAM TURN)
SECRET POLICE, ASSEMBLE!
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: “CAPTAIN PLANET” PARODY: “Let our powers combine! Fire! Batons! Rubber
bullets! Pepper balls! Cages! With our powers combined, I am Captain Fascist! Go Fascist!”]
(ON CAM)
WHAT’S GOING ON IN PORTLAND HAS BEEN COMPARED TO WAR ZONES IN THE
MIDDLE EAST, MEANING THE GOVERNMENT HAS SHOWN UP UNINVITED TO CREATE A
HUGE MESS WITHOUT AN EXIT STRATEGY.

ONE PROTESTOR WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED AFTER BEING SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A
NON-LETHAL ROUND.
(VO)
[TAKE: VO: OREGON PROTEST VIDEO (https://youtu.be/bt3hwf4LiJk)]
HE HAD BEEN STANDING ACROSS THE STREET FROM FEDERAL AUTHORITIES
HOLDING A SPEAKER ABOVE HIS HEAD,
2.

[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: “DON’T SAY ANYTHING” MOVIE POSTER WITH JOHN CUSACK
HOLDING UP A BOOMBOX WITH A RED SNIPER TARGET PLACED OVER HIS HEAD]
IN A SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF “DON’T SAY ANYTHING.”
(ON CAM)
DID YOU KNOW THE SONG “‘IN YOUR EYES” IS ABOUT TEAR GAS?

FEDERAL OFFICIALS HAVE ALSO BEEN THROWING PROTESTERS INTO UNMARKED


VANS, SOME OF WHICH APPEAR TO BE RENTAL CARS FROM ENTERPRISE. IT
EXPLAINS THE COMPANY’S NEW SLOGAN,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: ENTERPRISE AD WITH A MAN IN CAMOUFLAGE THROWING A
PERSON INTO THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR: “ENTERPRISE. WE’LL PICK YOU UP — WITH
OR WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE.”]
“ENTERPRISE. WE’LL PICK YOU UP — WITH OR WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE.”
(ON CAM)
AUTHORITIES HAVE EVEN ROUNDED UP VOLUNTEERS AT RIOT RIBS, A KITCHEN IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE PROTESTS THAT PASSES OUT FREE RIBS, TACOS, AND BEYOND
SAUSAGES. YOU KNOW THINGS HAVE REALLY TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORSE IN
PORTLAND WHEN YOU TAKE AWAY THEIR PLANT-BASED MEAT ALTERNATIVES.
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: OREGON GOVERNOR KATE BROWN AND STOCK PHOTO OF A LIBRARIAN
WEARING GLASSES]
OREGON GOVERNOR AND LIBRARIAN WHO REALLY WANTS TO HELP YOU FIND THAT
BOOK KATE BROWN HAS CALLED THE USE OF FEDERAL FORCE A BLATANT ABUSE OF
POWER.
(ON CAM)
IT’S THE SAME PHRASE FOUND ON THE TRUMP FAMILY COAT OF ARMS,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: TRUMP COAT OF ARMS: “A BLATANT ABUSE OF POWER” BELOW
IMAGES OF A BIG MAC, A KKK HOOD, AND A SYRINGE NEXT TO A BOTTLE OF CLOROX]
BENEATH THE BIG MAC, KLANSMAN HOOD, AND SYRINGE FILLED WITH BLEACH.
(ON CAM)
OTHER CRITICS HAVE ACCUSED MR. TRUMP OF USING PORTLAND AS A STAGING
GROUND TO FURTHER HIS POLITICAL AGENDA,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: AD FOR TACO BELL CHEESY POTATO AND RACCOON BURRITO
WITH A LONG RACCOON TAIL STICKING OUT OF THE BACK. “NOW WITH MORE TAIL!”]
SORT OF HOW TACO BELL WILL TEST OUT ITS NEW CHEESY POTATO AND RACCOON
BURRITO IN SELECT MARKETS BEFORE NAUSEATING THE REST OF THE COUNTRY.
(ON CAM)
BUT ALLIES OF THE PRESIDENT ARE DEFENDING HIS SO-CALLED SECRET POLICE.
AFTER ALL, IF THEY’RE SECRET, YOU CAN NA-ZI THEM.
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: CHAD WOLF’S HEADSHOT. ZOOM OUT ON MOCKUP OF CHAD
WOLF’S HEADSHOT ON A PARK BENCH: “CALL CHAD WOLF. DEN OR NEST, WOLF’S THE
BEST. 555-RAD-CHAD”]
ACTING D.H.S. SECRETARY AND PARK BENCH REALTOR CHAD WOLF SAYS THAT THE
FEDS ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP,
(VO)
3.

[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: A PATIENT GIVING BLOOD THROUGH AN IV WITH DRACULA


DRINKING THE BLOOD ON THE OTHER END]
LIKE THE RED CROSS ORGANIZING A BLOOD DRIVE FOR DRACULA.
(ON CAM)
AND TRUMP HIMSELF HAS VOWED TO DOMINATE PROTESTERS, JUST AS HE
DOMINATES THE JUNIOR JUMBLE AFTER AN AIDE FILLS IN THE FIRST FEW WORDS.
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: TRUMP 7/14 CSPAN: “Portland was totally out of control. (FLASH) We very much
quelled it, and if it starts again, we’ll quell it again.”]
(AS TRUMP)
“WE’LL QUELL QUENTIN, WE’LL QUELL QUINN. WE’LL QUELL QUALL OF YOU UNQUIL
THERE’S QUOBODY QUEFT TO QUELL, #QUELLANON.”

GOV. BROWN BELIEVES TRUMP WANTS A CONFRONTATION TO DISTRACT FROM THE


CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: MAGICIAN GRABBING WALLET FROM MAN’S POCKET AND SAWING
A WOMAN IN A BOX IN TWO]
LIKE A MAGICIAN WHO STEALS YOUR WALLET WHILE HE SAWS YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN
HALF.
(ON CAM)
NEW CASES HAVE BEEN STEADILY RISING IN NEARLY EVERY STATE IN THE COUNTRY,
FROM NOMASKA TO NEW HANDWASHER TO HYDROXYCALIFORNIA.

ON THURSDAY, THE U.S. SHATTERED ITS SINGLE-DAY CORONAVIRUS RECORD, WITH


DAILY CASES REACHING MORE THAN 75,000. THERE MIGHT NOT BE ANY GAMES THIS
SUMMER,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: THREE SICK ATHLETES HOOKED UP TO VENTILATORS STANDING
ON AN OLYMPIC PODIUM WITH FIVE COLORFUL VIRUSES AS THE OLYMPIC RINGS
LOGO]
BUT AMERICA’S STILL TAKING HOME THE GOLD, SILVER, AND BRONZE IN THE
COVIDLYMPICS.
(ON CAM)
THAT’S WHY NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH DIRECTOR AND THE DOCTOR THAT
FOUR OUT OF FIVE DOCTORS RECOMMEND, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, THINKS IT’S TIME
FOR US TO HIT THE SHOWERS.
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: DR. FAUCI 07/16/20: “What I think we’ve got to do, and I think my colleagues
agree, is that we’ve really almost got to regroup, take a time out.”]
(ON CAM)
CONSIDERING THE PRESIDENT IS TREATING AMERICA LIKE A LITTLE BOY WHO
DOESN’T WANT TO PICK UP HIS TOYS, IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA FOR EVERYONE
TO BE SENT TO THEIR ROOMS FOR NEXT THE THREE MONTHS SO WE CAN THINK
ABOUT WHAT HE’S DONE.

WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. DAVID FAUSTINO IS HERE, PLUS NEW
MUSIC FROM CHRIS GAINES, SO STICK AROUND!
[TAKE: SOT: SPONSOR BILLBOARD BUMPER]
4.

“THE RED ZONE”

JOHN KING CNN (7/19/20)

A document prepared for the

coronavirus task force puts eighteen

states in a “red zone” and says they

should roll back their openings.

THE THEME MUSIC TO “THE TWILIGHT ZONE” PLAYS. A DOOR IN SPACE


OPENS TO REVEAL IMAGES FROM THE RED ZONE, INCLUDING PEOPLE
NOT WEARING MASKS, GATHERING IN LARGE GROUPS, AND SCREAMING
INTO CELL PHONE CAMERAS IN GROCERY STORES.

JORDAN PEELE (V.O.)

It is the middle ground between light

and shadow. Between science and

superstition. And it lies between the

pit of man’s fears and the summit of

his knowledge. It is an area which we

call: The Red Zone.

INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN - DAYTIME

ANDREW, 30, IS PREPARING DINNER. HE SLICES A LEAN CUISINE


INTO FOUR DIFFERENT PIECES AND PLACES THEM IN THE MICROWAVE.

JORDAN PEELE (V.O.)

Andrew Childers was a man of great

principle. A man who refused to

compromise his beliefs and listened to

public health experts.

INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAYTIME

ANDREW’S ARM REACHES TO FIND AN EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLL. IN


NEED OF AN ALTERNATIVE, HE RUMMAGES TO DISCOVER A BOOK AND
BEGINS TEARING PAGES OUT OF “MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING” BY
VIKTOR FRANKL.
5.

JORDAN PEELE (V.O.)

But after running short on essentials,

Andrew must venture out of his home

for the first time in what feels like

decades. It’s time for him to enter:

The Red Zone.

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAYTIME

ANDREW, PUTTING ON HIS MASK, CAREFULLY STEPS OUT OF HIS


APARTMENT BUILDING. THINGS SEEM NORMAL. BUT AFTER ROUNDING
THE CORNER, HE NOTICES THAT NOBODY ELSE IN PUBLIC HAS A MASK.

BECKY, 20S AND MASKLESS, PASSES BY WITH HER DOG. SHE STOPS.

BECKY

Hey, Andrew! I didn’t know you were a

doctor.

ANDREW

I’m not.

BECKY

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.

Want an open mouth kiss?

ANDREW

No thanks, I’ve got to go.

ANDREW WALKS AWAY AND BUMPS INTO MARK, 30S AND MASKLESS, WHO
IS BLOWING INTO AN OLD NINTENDO CARTRIDGE.

MARK

Andrew! I didn’t know you were a

nurse.

ANDREW

I’m not. It’s for the virus.


6.

MARK

Whoa, like Dr. Mario? Just got this

old Nintendo. Can you help me blow in

the cartridges to make it work?

ANDREW

No! You need to cover your mouth! You

all need to cover your mouth!

ANDREW RUNS OFF AND STUMBLES UPON A STRANGE MAN, 60S, IN AN


ALLEY. THE STRANGE MAN LOOKS AT ANDREW AND LAUGHS.

ANDREW (CONT'D)

What’s so funny?

STRANGE MAN

You must be pretty ugly!

ANDREW

I’m not ugly. It’s for the virus.

STRANGE MAN

The coronavirus?

ANDREW

Yes! Why is nobody else in a mask?

STRANGE MAN

Makes it hard to blow bubbles.

Besides, President Trump hasn’t worn

one for years. Why should I?

ANDREW

Years? How long have I been inside?

THE STRANGE MAN HANDS ANDREW A COPY OF “USA TODAY” DATED JULY
19, 2070. THE HEADLINES: “PRESIDENT BARRON TRUMP EXECUTES
FUGITIVE CHELSEA CLINTON,” “VIRUS DEFINITELY STILL NOT
SPREADING,” “JIMMY BUFFETT HOLOGRAM RELEASES NEW ALBUM.”
ANDREW SCREAMS INTO THE VOID.