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GREG OTT THREE CHARACTERS

CONSERVATIVE COMMENTATOR

When my biological son brought home lice after riding public transit, I knew we needed
more than a special shampoo — we needed him to know who was responsible for this
infestation. My former ex-wife and I explained to my child that the parasites weren’t
just the result of a school bus driver falling asleep in the woods — they’re the result of
a corrupt administrative state.

So, we combed them out, one by one.

You see this little guy? That’s Governor Jay Inslee, who thinks your bus should be
powered by hopes and dreams instead of God’s black juice.

You see her? That’s Michelle Obama, who threw away all the Doritos in your lunchroom
and replaced them with soy-flavored carrots.

And look who we have here: Adam Schiff, scrounging around for eggs, when all he’s
going to find is eggs-culpatory evidence of Mr. Trump’s alleged wrongdoing, and a little
bit of dandruff.

These insects think they’ve found refuge on the minds of average Americans, but we’re
smarter than that. And if that means pouring boiling hot water over our scalps to rid
them forever, fire up the kettle.

When my boy’s a little bit older, I’ll finally tell him that the lice came from Hillary Clinton,
and they weren’t living on her head.

GREG OTT THREE CHARACTERS

LIBERAL EXPERT

Here’s why Biden’s wrong and why it’s imperative that we eliminate private health
insurance: when you tell people they can’t have something, it makes them want it
more.

This combines a little-known economic theory known as “supply and demand” with
tenets of reverse psychology, which studies have shown is the opposite of psychology.

I suggest, for any method through which healthcare reform is implemented, not only do
we eliminate private health insurance, but we make it incredibly exclusive.

If you’re familiar with streetwear company Supreme, as I am and I’m sure you are,
every two weeks, they release hot collabs with the dopest of brands, like Louis Vuitton
Campbell’s Soup, which sell out immediately.

I propose healthcare takes the same approach.

Every Thursday at 11am, we drop some particular type of care — let’s say this week
it’s surgery — and let as many Americans as possible sign up at no cost until the
website crashes.

And if you miss out this week, that’s fine, come back on Thursday when we’re doing
teeth.

Even if you’re disappointed you didn’t get your gallbladder removed, it’s hard to pass
up being the guy who just got veneers.

GREG OTT THREE CHARACTERS

MAN IN THE “MIDDLE”

I kind of see both sides of this issue.

On one hand, I don’t want my voice erased because I’m using it right now, in fact, I
was just using it a few moments ago.

On the other hand, they took Ariel’s voice away in “The Little Mermaid,” and that movie
was pretty good, and I don’t even like seafood.

I think I see both sides of this issue.

So, if they’re actually erasing our voices, I don’t think I support that.

But if they’re just storing our voices in a shell for a couple of days while we explore true
love, that might be a policy I could get behind.

I really see both sides of this issue.

I guess big picture, stepping back, the one thing I think we can all agree upon, coming
from the middle, is that mermaid shoudln’t have gotten married because she was only
sixteen.
1. JAMES SMARTWOOD INTERVIEWS CONSERVATIVE COMMENTATOR

1. You don’t support the restriction of essential American freedoms, but could you get
behind curbing certain inessential American freedoms, like blasting music without
headphones or wearing sweatpants at the airport?
2. Do you think it’s unfair for Democrats to broadly characterize the country as a
“racist place” because the United States has always been far more sexist?
3. If Democrats are wrong about the entire country being racist, could you at least
concede they’re right about Staten Island?
4. You’ve said this country’s political divisions predate President Trump. Do you
suggest they reach all the way back to one of this country’s original unresolved
disputes, the 2015 dress that was either white and gold or black and blue?
5. If immigrants desire life in the United States, could immigration be reduced by
making the country less desirable, perhaps by reverting to dial-up or mandating
Uber passengers sit in the front seat?
6. You’ve characterized Democrats as radical. Doesn’t that imply, by definition, that
they’re kind of cool?
7. You’re a prominent conservative intellectual in the mold of William F. Buckley. Why
don’t you wear a bow tie?
8. You’ve expressed support for a merit-based immigration system based on one’s
talents or abilities. Would that policy apply retroactively so we could deport
members of Nickelback?
9. You have a reputation as an independent thinker who tells hard truths, but what
would you say to critics — not me, of course, I would never — but what would you
say to people who seem to believe — again, these are media reports, other peoples’
words — seem to believe that many of your stances are coarsening the broader
public discourse — keeping in mind, again, these are others’ opinions — and
ultimately making it far more difficult to engage in debate with civility — with the
disclaimer once more that these thoughts are not my own?
10. You’re the founder and editor-in-chief of The Daily Wire. Exactly how much wire
should we be consuming on a daily basis?

2. JAMES SMARTWOOD INTERVIEWS LIBERAL COMMENTATOR

1. Could you succinctly summarize why healthcare reform is so important to the 2020
Democratic field without mentioning Bernie Sanders’ name on our network?
2. If Americans fear radical change, is that why New Coke and The Jay Leno Show
failed to take off?
3. You wear glasses — they look great, by the way — but would you be comfortable with
the government deciding which Warby Parker frames match the shape of your face?
4. If universal health coverage for every American seems insurmountable, could we
slow things down and cover one ailment at a time, starting with broken arms?
5. If Americans have trouble carrying out large projects, why are Americans themselves
so large?
6. If change triggers fear, could Democrats adopt language that’s less triggering,
possibly taking a page out of Ticketmaster’s book and redefining healthcare costs as
a “convenience fee”?
7. If Congress is willing to embrace projects are not very ambitious, could Americans
see more progress by lowering our ambitions even further?
8. Universal coverage aims to provide health insurance to every American, but some
scientists claim the universe is shrinking. Doesn’t that mean all people will
eventually be without healthcare?
9. Is there a correlation between the shuttering of rural hospitals nationwide and
General Hospital being the only remaining daytime soap opera?
10. If the medical industry is worried about its future, should they get insurance just to
be safe?

3, CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT TRUMP CLIP COMMENTARY

1. I’ve even heard reports of a third call, which is so secret, it didn’t even happen,
which shows how far the deep state is willing to go to bury our president.
2. We don’t even know if the whistleblower is a man. For all I know, it’s a dog, which is
why only certain people hear things like “extortion,” “bribery,” or, “you need to take
a bath.”
3. Swing states are like key parties. Put your hand in the bowl, go about your business,
and keep your mouth shut.
4. He’s not just talking about cable news or the failing New York Times, either — it’s all
forms of Democrat-controlled media. Bazooka Joe comics littered with anti-war
propaganda. Smoke signals drawing attention to “climate change.” Even Spotify’s
Discover Weekly slants left, suggesting music they think people enjoy listening to
instead of country.
5. This whole thing is like True Detective. Democrats couldn’t get enough of the first
season, and now we’re halfway through the second with a washed-up actor
pretending he’s a gangster when we all know he’s not.

4. LIBERAL PUNDIT TRUMP CLIP COMMENTARY

1. He says he’ll give us a call — is that a threat? I have enough trouble blocking
robocalls.
2. The whistleblower apparently reads, which means Obama, works out, which means
Obama, and is deeply loved by his wife and family, which means nothing because it’s
a completely foreign concept to Mr. Trump.
3. Not very important, and no one wants to hear it. Our president is a podcast.
4. That reminds me — after work, I’m grabbing vegan tacos with Tucker Carlson, Rush
Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Matt Drudge before heading to a drag show that’s
raising funds for Planned Parenthood.
5. I have to give the president a little bit of credit here, because if there’s one thing he
knows how to spot, it’s a corrupt attorney.
5. CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT WARREN CLIP COMMENTARY

1. If obstruction is that serious of a crime, then you need to arrest my bowels, because
they’re guilty of not getting enough fiber.
2. Since when is it illegal to buy your way into a career or social circle? Last time I
checked, that’s called a fraternity, and as far as I know, not a single one of my pledge
brothers has been convicted on charges that stuck.
3. This is how deranged the far left has become: Warren’s greed even doubles the costs
of your average take a penny, leave a penny jar.
4. As the product of divorce, let me state unequivocally that feeling, tasting, and living
with something for three years does not guarantee success.
5. I wish they were in an Amazon warehouse! We could make them all Prime members
and send them home using free returns and two-day shipping.

6. LIBERAL PUNDIT WARREN CLIP COMMENTARY

1. Not only did I read all 442 pages of the report, I picked up the audiobook so I could
play it back at half speed and fully absorb every last drop of malfeasance.
2. In the film Blank Check, an 11-year-old boy writes himself a million dollar check so
he can date a 32-year-old woman. Anyone with access to that kind of wealth is
corrupt.
3. Centrist liberals like Andrew Yang have called for eliminating the penny altogether,
but I applaud Warren for finding new ways to circulate pennies and keep strong,
union zinc mining jobs intact.
4. Medicare for All is just like AirPods. First it seems stupid, then it seems kind of
convenient, and before you know it, it’s everywhere. Soon enough, people will be
taking it for granted and falling onto the subway tracks — which is fine, because
they’ll have insurance.
5. I saw a cage full of parakeets at a PetSmart, so I ripped open the doors and let them
all fly away just to send those monsters a message. And I think that message was
quite clear, because I’m no longer welcome at PetSmart.