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"I still don't get it!!!!!!!” "I have a nice car. I'm accomplished. My A List CV make the next guy look funky. I even wear the latest Armani! Why doesn't she flip for me? Why am I always alone?" STOP! How many times did you pound the dashboard of your Corvette bewailing this persistent question? The avenue to Romance is under attacked (littered) with road kill hearts and unrequited love. If you think you're unique in your loneliness, think again. There are enough dashboards pounding out there to start a global orchestra of dire distress. But don't despair. Before you spin out of control, deploy the airbags fast. These strategic maneuvers should cruise you back on track: 1) Dress to Kill - all the time: No I don't intend that You wear that $5000 suit to the grocers or the Rolex to walk the dog. What I want you to do is is to dress decently each time you hit the streets. Dab on some cologne. Be neatly shaven. Men, women are everywhere. If you dress with flash only at the bar or the party, you're missing out on 95% of eligible women. Some of the best relationships were forged during chance encounters at the bus stop. 2) Bedroom Eyes - When exploring new relationships with that sexy stranger, intensify the eye contact. Lock deep into her pupils. Let the rest of the world disappear even as a horde of supermodels troop by. You will naturally thrill her with the attention as she experiences the tendrils of growing attraction. Ethnologists have a term for it, the copulatory gaze. Get your eyes even sexier by enlarging your pupils. Dr. Hess concluded that dilated pupils are far far more attractive to women after he presented hundreds of assorted pictures of men to test subjects. How does one get the pupils popping? Simply gaze at the most alluring parts of her face and fill your mind with loving caring thoughts. Your pupils naturally grow, endowing you with irresistible eyes. 3) Visual Caress - Get your eyes do some facial traveling as you chat. Linger a bit on the nose, traipse across the eyes and rest at the lips. Drink in her facial features as though you were admiring the Mona Lisa. She will delight in the attention! 4) Easter Eggs - Stumped at having nothing to say? Listen carefully for easter eggs as you talk. These are unusual words of phrases that she utters. Ask her to expound on it. Say "What's the story behind that?" or "How do you feel about that?". Women love to be probed for their opinions and their feelings. Gently bring out her emotions with sensitive open-ended questions. 5) Keep it Adrenaline Charged - Men talk facts: stock figures, bill payments, and boring engine specs. Women are different. They delight in FEELINGS TALK: how the new
how that special meal got them all giddy with ecstasy. Leverage this by steering away from facts talk.. just after a successful courtship. Pick out emotionally charged subjects and ask her how she especially relates to them. is the very beginning of a new relationship itself.. Feelings must be analyzed before they can be identified for what they truly are. Use your common sense! TRUE LOVE OR FAKE LOVE . The courtship process is when you attempt to charm someone into forming a relationship with you. • • • • • • think of your partner as absolutely perfect are concerned with your needs first need to spend all your free time with your partner quickly became infatuated with your partner tend to be jealous easily can't come to a compromise after fighting Signs Of A True Love Possible signs that what you have may be true love is you.COURTING The "Courting Phase" does not refer to the courtship process which precedes a relationship. Get out there and be the man women loves. The best way to find out how you really feel about someone is to sit down and dissect the relationship. The courting phase. It's all common sense! That's true. however. • • • • • • accept your partner and their flaws are concerned with your partner's needs first are comfortable being apart from one another slowly fell for your partner trust your partner completely are able to resolve a fight and grow stronger through it THE BEGINNING OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP . but ask yourself this: how many of you actually practice this? Be honest. ..HOW TO KNOW IF IT IS REAL Finding out if what you have is true love can be tricky.dress takes them to 7th heaven.. You'll be her new confidant! I know what you're thinking. Signs of Not Real Love Possible signs that it isn't true love is you. how their shopping expedition drains their deepest problems away.
Things like 'I've never felt this way about anyone else before' or 'I think we have something special between us' are said. With all this material out there. cliches exist for a reason. Just make sure you are beyond this point before you start taking any serious steps in the relationship. Now it’s up to the men to pay attention. both parties maintain that fascinating charm which they used to attract their partner in the first place. A couple in the courting phase also tend to be very "playful" with one another and prefer to spend every free moment together. HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN . heartbroken because the girl of their dreams gave them the boot for seemingly no reason. Nothing earth shattering. That is. friendship. why do so many problems still exist between men and women? The Gender Gap Men aren’t listening. And a satisfying sex life. Namely. quirks and foibles. So women – give your man a break here and realize that although you feel inundated with ideas for dating. there are a few basic things that every woman wants. so it is true. Although not every relationship passes through this courting phase. Women can be complicated creatures. The courting phase is where most broken promises & exaggerate words are said as you are still trying to impress each other. movies. television shows. respect. romance and sex. Although these statements are made with good intentions. Pay Attention Boys Here’s the thing – women want a few basic things: trust. And I don’t really blame them. songs. and books exist about male and female relationships. there are points to heed. But what human being isn’t? Although we each have our own needs. loyalty. The things that seem painfully obvious to women are going unnoticed by men. And how sadly accurate many of them are. I don’t even like Sex and the City so I can’t expect my boyfriend to faithfully watch every episode and quote it like some almighty dating bible.In the courting phase. when it comes down to it. they are often inaccurate and are based mainly on feeling as oppose to logic. until they are left out in the cold. . It’s amazing to me how many articles. many men have put the blinders on because those things just don’t seem important to them. Although that show is full of things that men would (rightfully) cringe at.KNOWING WHAT WOMEN WANT Okay. it happens often enough. laughs. likely because they haven’t spent hours happily identifying with women indulging in insecurities and sharing laughs about terrible dates.
but lately I’ve been hearing some pretty incredible stories from friends. took her to a bar. Please. It’s not the saved money and free drinks we appreciate. Boy was she swept off her feet! Don’t get me wrong. hair done so that we feel attractive and sexy for you! . Just do them. Negative stereotypes of men and women don’t help us get any closer to understanding each other. but the thing is. It may seem crazy to you if a girl flies off the handle because you were an hour late. We are all from different walks of life and have different expectations for each other and for life in general. I understand that you may not want to watch Oprah and see every “chick flick” out there but there are certain things that you really should know by now. There are differences between how men and women relate. Maybe they don’t seem like a big deal to you men or maybe you don’t understand. That little gesture that says I care. but we don’t need you to. neither she. it’s also good to keep in mind that women like to be treated nicely. the extra effort. Fancy Pants to wine and dine us and spend all his money on us. In one story. as I’m sure men do. To clarify: • • • • We do not like to be called fat. women spend hours primping and preparing for dates. It doesn’t have to be monetary. nor I.Here’s where we get annoyed – when things about women that seem built into pop culture. escape your minds. it’s the chivalry. Again. nor most women are looking for Mr. for our boyfriends. The effort really does make a difference. Thes e are three little things that can make a huge difference in a relationship. ordered her a drink and then summoned her to come pay for hers. Legs must be shaved. Be a Gentleman If you want to go above and beyond the basics. Mutual Appreciation I’m sure no man goes out with the intention of annoying a girl or being insensitive. • We like to be called if you are going to be late. a compliment. Evidently unbeknownst to some of you. I wouldn’t think you’d have to be told and I’m sure many of you don’t. • We need foreplay. it can be holding a door. even just turning off the cell phone while you are out together. makeup applied. even for our husbands. a guy asked my friend out. women can be a little crazy. so it should be expected on both ends by now that things don’t always progress seamlessly. Women want to be appreciated.
If money were no object. try to return the favor. What is your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie? Talking about mass media and pop culture can clue you in to similar interests and world views. what would you do with your life? This tried-and-true icebreaker showcases your date’s hopes. What is your definition of a relationship? Granted. because it reveals both details of your date’s history and his or her character. things haven’t worked out.If a woman does something nice for you and you notice. Two buttoned-up stockbrokers might discover they both share a secret longing to be athletes or a shared devotion to public service. because I’ve found that some women I’ve dated didn’t know what they wanted out of our relationship. Does your date want to be wined and dined. and find out how happy this person is with life overall.” But asking your date to name his or her favorite scene can help you distill what’s important to him or her beyond just genre. “What do you do?” is a closed question that doesn’t reveal much about a person other than a job title. dreams. it takes a bit of build up to ask this question (usually. “If you have radically different preferences. “Knowing that I’m helping people fulfill their dream” versus “Deciding what to order for lunch!” 3. FL. QUESTIONS TO ASK ON YOUR NEW FIRST DATE 1. movies. The answers can range from a desire to travel to going back to school to learning how to play the violin. But if you phrase the career question a bit differently. “Books. and even regrets topics that often remain untouched by even serious romantic partners. but a question like this lets you share your expectations and fundamental beliefs. 4. Needless to say. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me? This fun question is great to ask when a date has gotten a little tense or quiet. Walton Beach. (please tell me you notice). If she cooks you dinner. but it’s worth asking. reveal his or her strengths. “I like to ask this question early on. and music all transmit powerful messages of hope or emotion.” says Mario Webb of Ft.” And if your date’s answer is outside the range of what you consider acceptable. there may be some fundamental differences between the way the two of you look at the world. you can slip this one in). Just know that you . or are you both looking for a 50/50 relationship? It’s too soon to know what this specific potential relationship will look like.” says Hogan. you can delve into your date’s likes and dislikes. tell her. you’ve saved yourself future heartbreak by finding out before you fall for him or her. Think about the different impressions you’ll form if your date answers the question. “They came into it just hoping things work out without telling me what they expect. see how he or she handles conflict. 5. 2. What do you love about your job? The standard. Your date’s response will help clue you in to common goals and interests that go beyond what you do on a day-to-day basis. once you begin discussing your dating histories. Be honest and supportive and she will do the same for you.
” says Hogan. "All the good ones can not possibly be gone I'm still here!" HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK Long-distance relationships can be extremely hard. If you think there is no one out there for you and you have gathered unto yourself five or ten friends who think the same way. bald." and "I will. “One of the great things is that our humanity is a bonding thing. Here are some of the ways you can fight off the messengers of hollow hope: * Stay away from conversations that lead to conclusions of hopelessness. The media may whisper or scream that you need to look or act in a certain way in order to attract someone. I . and you will act accordingly. "I can. but rather something goofy. stand up and be heard say. and everyone is married? There are lots of negative voices that will tell you that love might exist but you will probably never find it. Not only is it difficult because you can not see or talk to your partner as frequently as usual. installed a chandelier upside-down and so forth. “Our ability to laugh at ourselves is critical in a budding relationship. driving a late model car. Make a conscious effort to find and hang out with friends who have a belief of possibility and hope. then you are going to be rooted in this belief. no one wants to make a commitment these days. Look for conversations of possibility that start with words like. * Pay attention to selective exposure. People who feel and think the same way begin to believe that this collective viewpoint is a law. the next time you hear that phrase. past the age of 50 or more. do you want to believe love is out there for you? Have you heard how all the good ones are gone. People who are overweight. or wearing '60s polyester suits meet and fall in love every day. HOT TO FALL IN LOVE NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK Would you like to fall in love? In spite of what everyone else says. Just because that is someone else's opinion doesn't mean it has to be yours." * Resist being manipulated by the media. In fact. Build a bank of people who can resist the voices that say all the good ones are gone. So can you.may have to share an awkward experience first in order to make your date feel comfortable. Don't believe them. but practically everyone you meet will have a horror story about how a long-distance relationship failed for them. like the time you drove a golf cart into the water.” So make it clear that you’re not looking for dirt on that plagiarism incident in 11th grade.
Also. communication can be very difficult. this can place stress on you if you end up wanting to go out with friends and your long-distance partner is not understanding about your need to be social and branch out. Make sure that you really love the other person and that it is worth it for you to make certain sacrifices. Arrange to participate in long-distance activities together. you are bound to have feelings of uncertainty and doubt. etc. Keep this in mind when you are going through rough times. no matter where you are. In these types of relationships. or other means. everything is out in the open and it will lessen the suspicions you have about the other person. Below are some guidelines to make it work. If you have not yet committed to a longdistance relationship and are contemplating it. Be honest about what you expect from each other. consider a web cam for a more personal connection. Also. Meet online to play games against each other or watch a television show at the same time. try to keep in touch daily through phone calls. Avoid fighting over small issues . If you set firm dates to see each other and stick to them. 5. This way. Do not make issues larger than they actually are. it makes the wait less difficult because you can spend time planning outings with your partner and looking forward to seeing them. Ask them to describe what kind of date they would have with your in this setting .what you would wear. or phonefree. AIM. 3. Also. these small things can turn into big fights. Don’t make any drastic changes unless you are absolutely positive that things aren’t working. Be realistic about the time commitment you can give each other. what activities you would take part in.. know that it is a huge commitment. Do you want the freedom to date other people? Are you comfortable with your partner making friends with the opposite sex? Are you going to try the long-distance thing out and stick with it if it seems to work. try “virtual dates” Send you partner an E-mail describing a place (for example. talk about. Agree to disagree when it looks like you aren’t making any progress. with the communication barriers. Threatening to break up every time . Coordinate your schedules. When you mutually agree on certain times to see each other. 4. 2. plan on talking at a particular time at night. Download Skype.once read that absence diminishes small love and increases great ones. In long-distance relationships. If it works for both of your schedules. Make plans in advance to see each other in person. a beach) and a time (dusk). eat. E-mail. However. Doing little activities like this together helps you to reconnect and remember the day-today fun you used to have. but not try to force the relationship? Discuss these things with your partner and be honest about your expectations. you never have to question if you are crossing a boundary. 1... Its free to talk online if you both download programs like these . it lessens problems that can arise from one person feeling like they are pressuring the other into seeing them and the other feeling like the are too busy and are pushing away from the relationship because of the pressure. net2phone. No matter what.. or gets jealous of the time you spend with other people.
Meet your partner’s friends and have your partner meet your friends. embarrassing. right? It will help maintain a sense of normalcy and a sense of trust between the two of you. it can definitely be beneficial to have someone else there to assuage your fears. dating. There are things that we would like to change about ourselves. Share the details of your life. Surprise them. to say the least. 10.you two are going through a rough patch wont help the situation at all. Never assume the worst. Make plans to live in the same city as soon as possible. call a friend instead and distract yourself. 8. BUILDING YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE Everyone has a few confidence problems. It will help you have more trust in the relationship if you develop mutual friends who can reassure you when you are having doubts. If you can’t get a hold of them. Send flowers or chocolates to your partner’s office. Focus on the future. Although you don’t want to have to turn to someone else to solve all of your problems. however. If your partner is late calling you one day or you hear someone else’s voice in the background. When you had the chance to spend more time together. 7. ask them what is going on before flying into a fit of rage and accusing them of being unfaithful. Talk about the little things that happen in your day. which was. whether pertaining to sex. No matter what. things that we are sure must be glaringly obvious to members of the opposite sex. . don’t stress over it. I would experience the sweaty palms and racing pulse of a teenage boy on his first date. 9. Ambiguity about the future will add tension and doubt. Once that first sexual encounter was over. Send cards for no reason and E-mails just to let them know that you are thinking about them. particularly if you aren’t serious about ending it. Anytime I knew that I would be having sex with a woman for the first time. Call your partner for advice. For an extraspecial treat. and how can we know if we are obviously intimidated? My issue was always with first sexual experiences. Fed-Ex them food from their favorite restaurant back home. Keep your partner informed about what you are up to at work and socially. A long-distance relationship will not work forever. marriage or something else. but do it in a manner that is constructive and problem-solving. 6. you talked about these things. I would regain my sexual self confidence and move on. So how can we overcome sexual self confidence issues. Do communicate honestly about problems that you are having with the long-distance situation.
Berating yourself for your lack of sexual confidence will only serve to make you more anxious. other self confidence issues have cropped up." Zen suggests that we stop running around and instead see what is right in front of our eyes. Whether it be physical or psychological. sexual self confidence issues are based on the unknown. If you have a great sexual partner. Whether this is a friend. he or she will help. then chances are you’ve chosen the wrong one. Be open about it. since I have found the only woman I will ever have sex with again. Just allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are. But the more "right" you can be with everyone. caring individuals. because that is all we really fear. honest. which means that you are by no means alone. Stop doing that. THE BEST WAYS TO FIND TRUE LOVE Look at the one right beside you It's very common for single people to spend their time searching and searching for the "right person. In most cases. they probably would have done whatever they could to make me feel better. Look at a person who is close to you in your life right now. but over the course of our marriage. If you are unable to be open about sexual self confidence issues with your partner. 3. other men and women have worried about the same things. It's just an exercise to see how commonly you might dismiss people who are already in your world because you're busy waiting for the "right one" to appear.Now I don’t have to worry about that anymore. please know that someone else has experienced it before. come to terms with the issue and work through it. Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else. take a step back and evaluate the situation. . Give yourself a break. This doesn't mean that you have to consider marrying every person who crosses your path. a potential mate or more. the more you can open up to the very real possibilities of the present. Accept everything about your relationship as it is. I have had very few bad dating experiences. and all the women I’ve been with have been open. Know that others feel the same way. 2. Had I told them about my insecurities before we had sex. notice the ways in which you push him away. When you feel overwhelmed by sexual insecurity. Here are a few tips that might help you to overcome self confidence issues: 1. When we have no idea how someone will react to the things we do. Instead. and I’ve had to deal with them just like I’ve dealt with others. anxiety runs rampant and we aren’t calmed until it’s over. Whatever sexual self confidence issue might plague your mind.
Experiment with someone who plays roles that you are not accustomed to. Put your baggage down Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. The goal is to become aware of the difference between who you are and the roles you play. Do this with yourself as well. Zen asks us to let go. . the more easily you fall in love. the demands are just obstacles to falling in love. Instead. whoever he is. Welcome the person. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. write out the list and take a good look at it. The more you free yourself and others. Notice how that feels. Realize that this is baggage that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. We grasp and cling to each other. It's the roles that get in the way. When someone comes into your life. Enjoy what it is he brings. The reason for this can be quite simple. What roles or games do you play in relationships? What roles do you expect others to assume? Chances are. Try playing different roles. It is simply time for him to go. rigid and closed off to what is available for you right now. let him go. Let yourself come and go freely in life. these same people are repeatedly amazed when they find that these demands don't lead to happiness. and don't get caught in unnecessary chains. or with the role that he plays? If you're not sure about your roles. Eventually you'll be able to let the roles go and simply be who you are -. preventing the freedom of love from rising on its own. even if it's only for a short time. Do not turn the person's leaving into an experience of rejection. turn them around for a little while. but the question is: Are you falling in love with the person.Stop playing around with love So many singles complain that they are not loved. you follow a pretty clear pattern. They are so busy playing games that potential partners never get to know who they really are. What are your "must haves" for relationships? If you're not sure. When it is time for a person to go away. Who you are is always lovable and beautiful. loss or abandonment. This baggage may also make you fearful. However. Let partners come and go One major obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. let him come.which is a Zen-like state of being. Zen asks us to break free of old demands.
underneath the clamor. the more light and happy you will feel. When you give. you can always take it back again. you may find that things you thought were crucial for your life were really getting in the way. If you want to open up to falling in love.or even a material object -. once you come to terms with yourself and appreciate who you are on a personal level. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Be still and look within. Zen is about doing this kind of thing quietly without great fanfare and without expecting something in return. Understand that.just something that will add to his or her day. Make friends with yourself Many people say they are lonely. Do this with yourself as well. Let it be. Start with this exercise.Try letting one of these demands subside for just one day. Make friends with yourself. and return to the breathing. The more you do this. Pay attention to your breath and just notice what is going on. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. no demands. Notice how you feel without it. possibilities and situations to start coming your way. Plus. it is extremely powerful. When we are in love. Doing this daily can turn everything around in your relationships. Accept it. Can you choose to be this natural self in . Take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like. all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally. Then do this with all kinds of different people.) Then try it another day. Do this every day. remember not to look for anything in return (not even a smile or thank you). It does not have to be fancy or expensive -. According to Zen. By living with this open. Spend time noticing who you are. give something else. Now give yourself a gift each day. buying a new lipstick or spending time with someone you care for. We naturally give and are happy with whatever is offered in return. As you do this many times. Give gifts Giving and receiving are at the core of every relationship. this openness allows all kinds of new people. What gifts do you give others in relationships? What do you hope to receive in return? Now take a moment to consider what else you can give someone. you are perfect just as you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Just give to give. adopt this state of mind and start giving naturally. Although this exercise is simple. Each day. it is impossible to be lonely anymore. with no expectations. Then give it. this is never a problem. You will have made room for them by putting your baggage down. Simple examples are taking a walk in the park. even when they have a partner at their side. generous mind. breath by breath. (Remember.
" If You Give: A sports car modeling kit You're Saying: "I know that deep down beneath that manly exterior lies a little boy who wants to play. but other people liked this.can start with something as simple as taking off your shoes." .and your relationships -. Take a friend and lose me forever. So if you were wondering if this is serious. stud. or I'm psychotic and will definitely stalk you if we break up. it is. the better." If You Give: A weekend vacation for two "I like you enough to spend every moment of the entire weekend with you alone." If You Give: Tickets to a hockey game You're Saying: "Take me to this game and help me learn more about your interests. THE MEANING OF ROMANTIC GIFTS FROM YOUR LOVER IF SHE GIVES If You Give: A tie You're Saying: "Your beer-guzzling. if you like the Martha Stewart type." If You Give: A best-selling book You're Saying: "I don't know you that well. frat boy charm has worn off. so why shouldn't you?" If You Give: A handmade sweater You're Saying: "I'm definite marriage material.relationships? Can you choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are? Making positive changes in your life -." If You Give: Jewelry You're Saying: "Did I already mention my ring size?" If You Give: A shirt You're Saying: "I like your style. but don't you think you'd look better in something like this?" If You Give: A framed picture of the two of you You're Saying: "Either wedding bells are about to ring." If You Give: Silk boxer shorts You're Saying: "The less clothing I see you in. Please get a real job. I respect that.
don't beat yourself up. If He Gives: A necklace He's Saying: "I really care about you and want you to think about me every time you wear this. Here you'll find five common mistakes women make in the dating game. the picket fence and the children too. 1. Just recognize that you deserve better and commit to making a change for good.." If He Gives: A cellular phone He's Saying: "Either I'm genuinely concerned about your safety or I need to be able to reach you every second of every minute of every day. If you think love will never find you. I receive many posts on the Dating from women whose romantic disappointments have left them convinced there is ." If He Gives: A CD you've wanted for months He's Saying: "I am a good listener and I've got a great memory." If He Gives: A sweater He's Saying: "I've got no imagination and I probably gave the same gift to my mother.." If He Gives: A new perfume He's Saying: "My ex-girlfriend wore what you wear now." If He Gives: A poem He's Saying: "I'm a romantic in love. but I've fantasized about seeing you in something like this. it won't. so please try this." If He Gives: A Cuisinart He's Saying: "I don't know how to tell you this. maybe it's time to rethink your approach toward searching for true love. but I'm not attracted to you anymore." If He Gives: Lingerie He's Saying: "I already think you're sexy.If He Gives." THE REASONS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE AND LONELY Tired of first dates that don't result in relationships? Sick of chasing after guys who clearly aren't ready to commit? If you've made an all-out effort to find your match with little success." If He Gives: A weekend vacation for two He's Saying: "I want 48 hours of uninterrupted sex. If one or two sound familiar." If He Gives: A puppy He's Saying: "I can already visualize the house. And I'm broke.
Each day write down something lovable about yourself." During these years. then ran around with other women. "My dad was a life-of-the-party type. it leaves the sufferer untouched. It's an insidious disease. He obviously adored my cousin and lived to please her. the few times I'd see him I'd practically do cartwheels to win his attention. They'd never call when they said they would. Repeat after me: Love is not a synonym for leash." says Adel. but as a husband and father he was cold and uncaring. (Yes. The trick is learning to both recognize and want a man of worth. "Naomi's bridegroom Rick was the sweetest man in the world. When I was old enough to have a boyfriend. Once I realized what I'd been doing. Physically." she says. Level with them about why you're making this request. I vowed that one day I'd meet a man who would look at me like I was a treasure. Kick the bad-boy habit." Obviously these women are as worthy of love as you and I." 3." the higher the odds that expectation will come true. "I will never find love." Adel took a dating hiatus and did some much-needed thinking about the root of her obsession with bad boys. "It would be obvious from the get-go. guys who were capable of caring. get busy: Start a journal. or SFP. and they'll probably be happy to help. "But it was worth it. "I can't believe I wasted all that time on men who treated me like dirt. replace it with a positive one. a 29-year- . I began metaphorically dating my dad. Uncover the other love mistakes that might be keeping you single right here: 2. They exist in bulk. a 32-year-old Chicago Web designer." she admits. I guess because it eventually taught me to truly appreciate a good man. Contrarily.something inherently unlovable about them. When Gina Thomas. said they loved me. They say things like: "Who would want me anyway? I'm sure I'm going to wind up alone. "For years I was attracted to guys whose mission was to hurt me. You can even consider calling or e-mailing a few close friends or relatives." says reformed bad-boy lover Adel Harris. happy person that I'm bound to find love" — the sunnier the forecast for her romantic future. we're worthy!) But they've come down with something so awful it can keep them solo for years to come: self-fulfilling prophecy. were constantly caught in stupid lies. It will get easier with time. Adel kept railing that her dates were the best of a bad lot: No man could be kind or faithful." Today Adel is engaged — to a Rick type. the sunnier one's thoughts — "I'm such a cool. Whenever a negative thought threatens to invade your mind. News flash: Good guys have not gone the way of the 8-track. SFP isn't contagious but it will make potential dates run the opposite way. If you're among those throwing one too many pity parties for herself. After that. I started seeing the appeal of guys who weren't as flashy or unreliable. "He left for good when I was 10. But the more one walks around saying. One even tried to seduce my best friend. Then she attended a cousin's wedding. so they can share reasons they think a man would be lucky to have you. "Seeing the sweet. loving light in his eyes.
" says Gina. In her fantasies she and her fiancé Bill would do everything together. When Anne Ryan. "He always needed to be right — whether it was about which restaurant served better burgers or which of us had apologized first after our last fight. Nothing drastic." . The two split. a 34-year-old chef from Santa Fe. you're potentially hurting your relationship. got engaged." Wanting your partner to be with you 24/7 is not realistic or fair. It was my way or the highway.A. downhill ski and play chess. the more they'll have to share with each other when they get together. "Once we moved in together I assumed Bill would cut out the biweekly poker games with the guys and the occasional nights out after work. hobbies. I couldn't admit that I'd forgotten to give him an important phone message or that his desire to move to L. yet like Gina many women feel abandoned or unloved if their other half has needs (say. I wanted to stay in Chicago and that was all that mattered. eventually a prisoner wants to be set free. "After six years of marriage my husband Ed and I started growing apart. what will you have left when you get home to your honey? It may sound crazy. You're wrong if you need to be right. We shouldn't have wasted it on other people." says Anne. Just ask Doreen Badenstadt. a 29-year-old from Chicago. such as the fact that her husband wore a toupee. 4. Gina's insecurity and neediness led her to make Bill feel like he was under house arrest. Ed was shocked and felt betrayed at hearing his business discussed over hot dogs and beer. but she did begin sharing intimacies. but he was no longer the first person I'd tell when something good or bad happened. it seemed like a dream come true. but Doreen was reminded the hard way that her marriage needed to be the number one relationship in her life. friends). a fact Don joked about at a neighborhood barbecue. 5. Both were also stubbornly full of pride. Don't commit emotional infidelity. met her boyfriend Sam. If you tell all of your favorite jokes and "bad day" stories to a friend or male coworker." Doreen never slept with Don. What I didn't realize until it was too late was that I was just as bad. The couple patched things up. precipitating the biggest fight the pair had ever had. Both were lawyers and loved to tango. The happiest couples allow each other breathing room to grow. she was delighted that the two had so much in common. And no matter how plush the jail. New Mexico. "Sam was perfect except for one horrible flaw. He accused his wife of disloyalty. Even worse is betraying your partner's confidences with a male friend or coworker. The more dynamic their lives apart (in terms of jobs. Bill had a different definition. "Our jobs left us little free time as it was." she says. for male camaraderie or occasional solitude) that can't be fulfilled by the relationship. It is vital that your partner be someone you treat with courtesy and kindness. was something I should seriously consider. but there is a premium on a person's time and energy — there is only so much of it to go around — and if you spend yours with someone else. "That honor belonged to my neighbor Don.old Manhattan magazine art director.
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