Below are 2 of the 31 Personal Statement Samples

Sample Personal Statement #1 - Silicon Valley Start-Up 

Eighteen months ago, I was sitting at my computer, wedged between a dripping coffee maker to my left
and the company’s CFO five feet to my right. Every keystroke shook the flimsy foldout card table that
served as my desk, on loan to the company from another employee’s garage. We were packed in the
largest of three rooms in a 2,500 square foot space baking in the heat generated by ten co-workers in
close quarters, fifteen running computers, and an abnormally warm summer. On the glass doorway was
etched the ghostly lettering of the former company occupying the space, serving as a grim reminder of the
ever-present possibility of failure.

Two weeks earlier, I had been in my company’s small conference room sitting at the table surrounded by
familiar faces from my last employer. Silicon Valley is incestuous: teams migrate from one company to the
next, so I was not surprised to find myself recruited to join my old boss’s newest project. They were
selling another David versus Goliath story, featuring a small rag-tag team of engineers defeating a
seemingly insurmountable industry leader. Despite my skepticism, I still had a free-running imagination
fed with nostalgic thoughts of Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard working on their first audio oscillator in a
Palo Alto garage. But at my last start-up company, we had challenged a corporation for a piece of the
industry pie, and nine years and $330 million dollars later, the company was a hollow shell doing mostly
engineering contractor work. I was lucky enough to join that company late in the game and sell my stock
options early, but many others spent a significant portion of their career at a company that came close to
glory but ultimately fell short: Goliath 1, David 0.

This time they were telling me it was going to be different; they were always saying this time would be
different. I asked them how a small, poorly funded start-up company could go against a giant corporation,
which was also the undisputed king of our market, with nearly $400 million in quarterly revenue. After
signing a non-disclosure agreement, I was let in on the big secret, the meaning of the “C” in the company
name: we were going to use recent innovations in carbon nano-tubes to revolutionize the industry. These
nano-scopic cylindrical fibers that allow unparalleled circuit density would be David’s tiny, secret sling.

With the financial incentive of stock options and the confidence gained by working with a crack technical
team, everyone was working at full capacity. There were scribbled drawings with names and dates taped
up on a wall. These were the jotted ideas from our team of electrical engineers and physicists with M.S.
and Ph.D. degrees from schools like Harvard, Stanford, and M.I.T. One posting was my recent workings
of a carbon nano-tube electro-mechanical configuration bit, an idea that a co-worker and I had developed
that I would write up and the company would push through the patent process. By packing a dozen well-
caffeinated physics and electronics geniuses into a pathetic three-room rental that resembled a low-
budget movie studio, we had created the primordial soup of intellectual invention. As a result of our
collective ideas, our seasoned team, our innovative ideas, and nano-technology being the latest
buzzword in investment, we were soon funded by venture capitalists for $10 million. It was immensely
exciting to be the tenth employee in a growing start-up company that would have to upgrade offices and
dramatically expand staff in an up-scaling war against the industry titan.
The increased design responsibility and unbounded architectural creativity that comes with working for a
start-up is unparalleled. However, the necessity of sidestepping our competitor’s patented intellectual
property, which covered all aspects of our design, from manufacturing to testing, placed a heavy burden
on the design team. This danger was extremely real, as a similar start-up had collapsed following an
infringement lawsuit related to unauthorized reproduction of a bit stream. As the designer of three
different components, I examined our competition’s sixteen patents related to the memory aspect of the
device.  It was immensely satisfying to study, absorb, and then circumvent patent claims as I designed a
conceptually similar but un-patented version of three memory blocks.

I am interested in serving as general counsel for a corporation focused on advanced semiconductor

technology. My diverse work experience and master’s degree provide a perfect foundation to tackle the
issues faced by a general counsel. I am drawn to the challenges I will find at the intersection of intellectual
property, product liability, and corporate law. At this juncture in my life, I seek more challenge and
personal growth in a field that calls on my written skills, attention to detail, and love of technology. My
background in nano-technology will bring a unique perspective to the NYU classroom and will make me
extremely marketable upon graduation. By pursuing a law degree, I intend to enter a profession that
aligns with the interests and aptitudes I have discovered and developed through real work experience. It
is through deep personal reflection that I have decided that law is the natural extension of my training,
personality, and talents.

Commentary 1:  Silicon Valley Start-Up

Structure: Personal Narrative

Topic:  Internet Start-Up
Thesis:  I led a multi-million dollar design team; I can succeed in law school.
Elements of Style:  Comparison to David & Goliath
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact, Real World Experience, Pro-Active Starter, Good Leader
Success Rating:  A/9

What’s Strong:
This is an excellent personal statement because it shows this candidate has had a tangible impact on
organizations, and probably on the global economy.  The statement keeps the reader engaged by giving
a meaningful story with background, context, conflict, and resolution.  It also provides a peek into the
mysterious and increasingly legendary world of Silicon Valley start-ups.  This is a good model for
someone who has been out of college for a while, but who hasn’t been working in a law firm.  The essay
is focused on career goals, with career history to back up the writer’s plans.  This person is a doer, not a
dreamer.  The writer shows a depth of technical knowledge and strong analytic reasoning skills that go far
beyond linear thinking, especially in the description of finding new solutions to highly technical problems
that do not violate patents.  The statement creates desire in the admissions committee to admit this
person because other companies seek to hire the applicant and venture capitalists are willing to support
the applicant with substantial funds.  This statement will inspire members of the admissions committee to
act on the applicant’s behalf because he has successfully reached beyond the safety net of college. 

This applicant demonstrated his strong written communication skills by writing a compelling statement
that uses several kinds of rhetorical appeals.  Logic is used to show how his analytical ability helps to
keep the company afloat in the same waters where others have foundered.  He uses touches of pathos
when he describes the “primordial soup of intellectual invention” inside the cramped office.  The analogy
in which he compares his small start-up and the industry leader to David and Goliath uses both pathos
and mythos to excellent effect: The story is one everyone knows, and so just by invoking the names, the
writer brings a powerful story into his narrative without using valuable space.  This mythic story becomes
a theme woven throughout the essay.  It is a rhetorical device that establishes a connection in the
reader’s mind between this candidate and David, a leader known for his compassionate ethos. This writer
has also composed the statement so that he comes across as an authoritative, competent, thoughtful,
and honest leader. This statement helped earn the applicant acceptance to NYU and Columbia Law
Schools.

What’s Wrong:
This essay is too focused on the details of the story and fails to give sufficient evidence for why this
person is a good candidate for law school.  This essay is structured as a personal narrative, and the topic
is the applicant’s professional experience.  The first paragraph is well written but is wholly descriptive
prose that has very little to do with why this person is a good candidate for law school.  The first
paragraph lacks a thesis or a direction for the essay.  Ideally, the reader should find a microcosm of the
essay in the first paragraph.

The second-to-last paragraph packs in the most value to the admissions committee for the space used,
but the background story is important for this paragraph to be so powerful.  To make the background story
do more work for him, the writer could plant more indicators of his positive qualities and characteristics in
the early part of the essay.  For example, he could mention how he used his oral communication skills to
communicate with his design team and supervisors, so that the admissions committee knows he feels
that mastery of oral communication skills is important.

The last paragraph is where the applicant draws together his themes with his self-assessment and goals. 
He should mention what his master’s degree is in.  This writer commits the common error of throwing in
the name of the school receiving this statement as a token.  Any law school program could fill that place. 
The writer doesn’t appear to have done research about the law program at NYU.  Does the applicant feel
that being in New York City will put him in contact with East Coast technology specialists who will give
him an edge up in his career?  Or, is the applicant focusing upon NYU because of their strength in
intellectual property law? The writer needs to persuade the NYU admissions committee that NYU is the
only school for him, and he can do this by interpreting how the school’s particular strengths will advance
his goals.  Despite these quibbles, though, this is overall a fantastic personal statement.

Sample Personal Statement 2 - Minimalist

I am a thinker, but not one to think out loud. I love myself, but am not in love with the sound of my own
voice. I want to be loved, but not at the cost of not loving myself. I want to know everything, but realize
that nothing can ever be known for sure. I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my
beliefs. I understand that chance is prevalent in all aspects of life, but never leave anything important to
chance. I am skeptical about everything, but realistic in the face of my skepticism. I base everything on
probability, but so does nature...probably.

I believe that all our actions are determined, but feel completely free to do as I choose. I do not believe in
anything resembling a God, but would never profess omniscience with regard to such issues. I have faith
in nothing, but trust that my family and friends will always be faithful. I feel that religion is among the
greatest problems in the world, but also understand that it is perhaps the ultimate solution. I recognize
that many people derive their morals from religion, but I insist that religion is not the only fountainhead of
morality. I respect the intimate connection between morality and law, but do not believe that either should
unquestioningly respect the other.

I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study the law just because I want to
become a lawyer. I am aware that the law and economics cannot always be studied in conjunction, but I
do not feel that either one can be properly studied without an awareness of the other. I recognize there is
more to the law than efficiency, but believe the law should recognize the importance of efficiency more
than it does. I love reading about law and philosophy, but not nearly as much as I love having a good
conversation about the two. I know that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that passion
makes an argument sound logical. I have philosophical beliefs informed by economics and economic
beliefs informed by philosophy, but I have lost track of which beliefs came first. I know it was the egg
though.

I always think very practically, but do not always like to think about the practical. I have wanted to be a
scientist for a while now, but it took me two undergraduate years to figure out that being a scientist does
not necessarily entail working in a laboratory. I play the saxophone almost every day, but feel most like an
artist when deduction is my instrument. I spent one year at a college where I did not belong and two years
taking classes irrelevant for my major, but I have no regrets about my undergraduate experience. I am
incredibly passionate about my interests, but cannot imagine being interested in only one passion for an
entire lifetime.

I love the Yankees, but do not hate the Red Sox. I love sports, but hate the accompanying anti-intellectual
culture. I may read the newspaper starting from the back, but I always make my way to the front
eventually. I am liberal on some issues and conservative on others, but reasonable about all of them. I will
always be politically active, but will never be a political activist. I think everything through completely, but I
am never through thinking about anything.

I can get along with almost anyone, but there are very few people without whom I could not get along. I
am giving of my time, but not to the point of forgetting its value. I live for each moment, but not as much
as I worry about the next. I consider ambition to be of the utmost importance, but realize that it is useless
without the support of hard work. I am a very competitive person, but only when competing with myself. I
have a million dreams, but I am more than just a dreamer. I am usually content, but never satisfied.

I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.

Commentary 2:  Minimalist

Structure: Personal Narrative

Topic:  Self-portrait
Thesis:  I am a clever risk-taker.
Elements of Style: Literary play with contradiction and a variety of verbal punning
Committee Appeal:  Intellectual Excellence, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating:  A-/8

What’s Strong:
This personal statement is constructed like a poem:  there is a rhythm to it that draws the reader in; there
is also verbal play and the construction of a somewhat mysterious self-portrait.   This applicant had an
impressive 4.0 GPA and 178 LSAT, so he could be a risk-taker with the personal statement.  This essay
stands out because it is more artfully designed than other statements.  This is a good strategy if you are
sure of your standardized scores or if you are applying to a reach school and so are trying to get yourself
noticed.  An experimental personal statement such as this is just as likely to succeed as to flop, because
some admissions committee members value creativity while others will be put off by the lack of specific
details.  In its uniqueness, it is unclear how difficult this statement was to write; most admissions
committee members will probably give the candidate the benefit of the doubt and see it as highly original
rather than a series of clichés. 

This statement works by a clever rhetorical trick:  The author will repeat a word in the same sentence but
shift the meaning to a different, often contrary, usage.  For example, the author writes, “I believe that
nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my beliefs.”  Most of the sentences are linked in a daisy
chain of associative ideas.  For example, the first paragraph moves through the author’s views on
thinking, loving, and doubting.  The author then gestures towards interests in philosophy, morality, law,
economics, music, sports, and politics.  In the third paragraph, the applicant tells us he is good at
synthesizing diverse information.  The admissions committee will like this ability, as well as the humor that
concludes the paragraph with the chicken-and-egg joke.  The statement ends with a character sketch
indicating the author is friendly but ambitious and complex.  And finally, there is an important punch when
the piece ends:  “I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.”  This
statement worked for the applicant because this person was accepted everywhere, including Yale and
Stanford, and was offered a $63,000 scholarship to NYU.

What’s Wrong:
Although this statement is put together like a poem, it lacks the internal logic and consistency that would
make it an outstanding example of the personal statement genre.   The author starts out very well, linking
each sentence to the previous one, but upon close analysis, the chain link falls apart rather quickly.  In the
first paragraph, talking connects quiet thinking to self-respect, and then love connects self-respect to
healthy relationships, but after this, the author enters stream-of-consciousness mode.  We learn the
author is not religious.  He or she writes, “I know that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that
passion makes an argument sound logical.”  The problem with a sentence like this is that it does not give
the reader specific evidence that this person is either logical or passionate.   This personal statement
encases the author behind a rhetorical wall that does not allow his personality to emerge.  We do not
have a sense of whether this person is trustworthy because we have no specific stories or examples to
evaluate for the author’s ethical appeal.

The fourth paragraph is somewhat damaging to the author when we learn, “I spent one year at a college
where I did not belong and two years taking classes irrelevant for my major.”  The admissions committee
will wonder:  Why didn’t you belong at that college?  Why did you take random classes for two years?
Can you be trusted to maintain your focus in law school?  The word play at this point waffles between
clever and stale.  This statement would do better to begin and end with the verbal play, but to have a solid
paragraph or two in the middle of personal narrative, in which the admissions committee really get to
know the person behind this rhetorical show. 

Closing Remarks on Sample Personal Statements

We hope the free personal statement samples with critique assist you with creating your masterpiece. But
for more direction on how to write a personal statement please read our article on Writing Personal
Statements and the complete TLS Personal Statement Book. While these resources convey information
on personal statements for law school, they can also apply to other graduate programs. For even more
free personal statement examples, visit Essay Edge or the personal statement forum with over 200
personal statement samples.

Just how important is effectively writing personal statements? So critical that the personal statement is the
first item in an application that is read by Ed Tom, the Dean of Admissions at U.C. Berkeley’s Boalt Hall
School of Law. In our exclusive interview, Dean Tom states that “[P]utting together an entering class is
like organizing a choir; we want distinct voices. There are hundreds of similar applicants, but only one of
you; so take the opportunity provided by the personal statement to let us hear your voice.”

What else did Dean Tom say about how to write a personal statement? “Personal statements for law
school are the applicant’s opportunity to distinguish himself from hundreds of other applicants who have
the same numbers, and the same major, and come from a similar school. The personal statement is an
applicant’s opportunity to describe the distance they’ve come in their lives.”
“Most everyone is a very different person now than they were in high school and along that journey they
develop a voice that they will be bringing into the classroom. I want to learn about the journey that
developed that voice, and to the decision to apply to law school. We are looking for intellectually curious
people, and we are looking for people with a diverse array of experiences. So, the ideal personal
statement would bring all of that out.”