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From Stage to Screen and Back Again …

Opening Number

M.C Welcome to our musical revue of shows that have famously made it
from stage to screen …

M.C And some that have started off on the big screen – but then gone on to
become stage hits.

M.C Our first musical today started life as a popular animated film before
being transformed into a long running stage show.

M.C Although it should probably be noted that it’s original inspiration was
a stage play – Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet.’

M.C The show is ‘The Lion King.’

M.C And here, Stage One, present a shortened version for you.

SCENES FROM ‘THE LION KING’

Zazu: I'm here to announce that King Mufasa is on his way. {bows}

Scar: {Sarcastically overjoyed} Why! If it isn't my big brother descending from on


high to mingle with the commoners.

Mufasa: Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba.

Scar: {Faking astonishment} That was today? Oh, I feel simply


Awful.Must have slipped my mind.

Zazu: Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have
been first in line.

Scar: Well, I was first in line, ... until the little hairball was born.

Mufasa: {Lowering his head and meeting Scar eye to eye} That “hairball” is my son
-and your future king.

Scar: Ohh, I shall practice my curtsy.

{Scar turns away and exits.}


___________________

Simba: Dad! Daad! Come on, Dad, we gotta go, wake up!

Sarabi: Your son.... is awake....


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Mufasa: {Also sleepily} Before sunrise, he's your son.

Simba: Dad? Daad! Come on, Dad! You promised!

Mufasa: {Seeing his son's impatience} Okay, okay. I'm up. I'm up.

Simba: Yeah!

{Mufasa yawns.Simba follows Mufasa up to the top of Pride Rock. The sunrise
illuminates the top of Pride Rock impressively.}

Mufasa: Look Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.

Simba: Wow.

Mufasa: A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day Simba, the sun
will set on my time here- and will rise with you as the new king.

Simba: And this’ll all be mine?

Mufasa: Everything.

Simba: Everything the light touches... {Simba looks all around.} What about that
shadowy place?

Mufasa: That's beyond our borders; you must never go there, Simba.

Simba: But I thought a king can do whatever he wants.

Mufasa: Oh, there's more to being king than-- getting your way all the time.
Everything you see exists together, in a delicate balance. As king, you
need to understand that balance, and respect all the creatures-- from the
crawling ant to the leaping antelope.

Simba: But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?

Mufasa: Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass.
And the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great
Circle of Life.

{A gopher enters, followed by Zazu.}

Gopher: Mufasa.

Mufasa: {Exasperated} Yes?

Gopher: {Saluting} Sir. News from the underground.{With urgency} Sire!


Hyenas!! In the Pride Lands!

Mufasa: {Serious now} Zazu, take Simba home.


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Simba: Oh Dad, can't I come?

Mufasa: {Curtly} No, son.

{Mufasa heads off at a full gallop}

Simba: I never get to go anywhere.


_____________
Simba: Hey, Nala.

Nala: Hi, Simba.

Simba: Come on. I just heard about this great place. It's really cool.

Sarabi: So where is this “really cool” place?

Simba: Oh.... {thinks} uh ... around the water hole.

Nala: The water hole?! What's so great about the water hole?

Simba: {Whisper} I'll show you when we get there.

Nala: {Whisper} Oh.... {normal} Uh.... Mom, can I go with Simba?

Sarafina: Hmm… What do you think, Sarabi?

Sarabi: Well...

Nala and Simba: Pleeeease?

Sarabi: It's all right with me....

Sarafina: Then I guess it’s alright with me …

{Nala and Simba are overjoyed}

Nala: All right!

Simba: Yeah!!
____________________________

Nala: It's really creepy.

Simba: Yeah... isn't it great?

Nala: {Relishing her naughtiness} We could get in big trouble.

Simba: {Enjoying it also} I know, huh.


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Three hyenas emerge

Shenzi: Well, well, well, Banzai. What have we got here?

Banzai: Hmm. I don't know Shenzi. Uh… What do you think, Ed?
Ed: {Crazy laughter}

{They circle around the cubs.}

Banzai: Yeah, just what I was thinking. Trespassers!!

Hyena 4: Whoa, whoa, wait wait … I know you. You’re Mufasa’s little
stooge.

Simba: I am the future king.

Shenzi: Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?

Simba: Puh. You can't do anything me.

Hyena 5: Technically, we can. You are on our land!

Shenzi: We'd love you to stick around for dinner.

Banzai: Yeaaaah!{laughs}

Shenzi: Make mine a cub sandwich. Whatcha think?

Hyena 4: We could have whatever’s lion around. Get it? Lion around.

Hyena 5: It’ll be a king fit for a meal!

{Peals of uncontrollable laughter.Simba and Nala run away. Ed jumps up and starts
gesticulating and jabbering.}

Shenzi: What? Ed? What is it?

Banzai: {Looking where Ed is pointing} Hey, did we order this dinner to go?

Shenzi: No. Why?

Banzai: ‘Cause there it goes!!

{Scar leaps up beside Ed.}

Scar: Be prepared!

Banzai: Yeah, be prepared. Yeah-heh. We'll be prepared, heh ... For


what?
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Scar: For the death of the king.

Banzai: Why? Is he sick?

Scar: No fool, we're going to kill him. And Simba too.

Hyena 4: Great idea! Who needs a king?

ALL Hyenas: {Sing-song voices, dancing around.} No king! No king! la--la-la--la-


laa-laa!

Scar: IDIOTS! There will be a king!

Hyena 5: Hey, but you said, uh...

Scar: I WILL BE KING! Stick with me and you'll never go hungry again!
________________

NARRATOR 1 Scar seeks out and kills Mufasa, and convinces Simba that his
father’s death was his own fault. He then orders the hyenas to
kill Simba. The hyenas leave Simba for dead.

NARRATOR 2 Scar returns to the lions and declares himself king. However,
Pumbaa the warthog, and Timon the meercat come across
Simba’s body, and find him still alive.

Pumbaa: Hey Timon. You better come look. I think he’s still alive.

Timon: A lion! Run Pumbaa! Move it!

Pumbaa: Hey, Timon. It's just a little lion. Look at him.

Simba stirs.

Timon: You okay, kid?

Simba: I guess so.

Pumbaa: You nearly died.

Timon: I saved you.

Pumbaa: {snorts at Timon}

Timon: Well, uh, Pumbaa helped...

{Pumbaa snaps a proud pose.}

Timon: a little.
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NARRATOR 3 Nala and Simba are reunited, but Simba still feels guilty about
his father’s death and refuses to return home. Then one day
Rafiki, the monkey, speaks to him about his father.

Simba: You knew my father?

Rafiki: Correction-- I know your father.

Simba: I hate to tell you this, but… he died. A long time ago.

Rafiki: Nope. Wrong again! Hah hah hah! He's alive-- and I'll show him to you. Look
into this pool of water.

Simba: {Disappointed} That's not my father. That's just my reflection.

Rafiki: Noo. Look ... harder. Can you see his face in your reflection?

Simba: Yes, yes I can!

Rafiki: You see ... he lives in you.

NARRATOR 4 Simba hears his father’s voice telling him to take his place in
the circle of life.

NARRATOR 5 Mufasa’s voice tells him to remember who he is – his father’s


son, and the one true king.

NARRATOR 4 Simba returns home to the pride, and challenges Scar. Scar
confesses to killing Mufasa.

NARRATOR 5 Simba drives Scar out of the pride and tells him to run as far as
he can.

NARRATOR 4 Simba is reunited with his family, and is declared the Lion
King.

Simba stands on his rock surrounded by the lions and other animals.

M.C Our next Musical, this time from Stage Two, also started life as a much loved
Disney film, and did not reach the stage for many decades.

M.C Mary Poppins remains one of the most popular screen musicals of all time,
and includes some of the most instantly recognisable songs of
all time.

MARY POPPINS
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Wind’s in the east


Mist comin’ in
Like somethin’ is brewin’
About to begin.
Can’t put my finger on
what lies in store,
But I feel what’s to happen
All happened before.

SCENE ONE

BERT This ‘ere’s Cherry Tree Lane. Number 17’s just down a bit. Here
we are, number 17, residence of George Banks and his family.

NANNY (Marching out.) I wouldn’t stay in this house another minute for all
The riches in the world!

HOUSEKEEPER But what am I going to tell the master about the children?

NANNY It’s no concern of mine. Those little beasts have run away from me
for the last time.

HOUSEKEEPER You know how it is with Jane and Michael.

NANNY I’ve done with this house! Forever!

MRS BANKS (Enters.) Where are the children?

NANNY The children, Madam, are not here. They’ve disappeared again –
and I have had enough of it!

MRS BANKS Oh, gracious – you’re not leaving? What will Mr Banks say?

BANKS (Enters.) What a pretty hat, Nanny.

Nanny marches past him and exits.

MRS BANKS Nanny has left us, George, and the children are missing.

BANKS Missing? I’ll call the police right away.

POLICEMAN (Enters.) No need to do that, Mr Banks. I believe I have found

some valuables of yours that have gone astray. (To children.)


Come along in.

MRS BANKS Jane! Michael!

MICHAEL It was windy ….


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JANE And the kite was too strong for us. It wasn’t a very good one.

MICHAEL Perhaps if you helped us to make a new one, father …

BANKS Go to your room, children! Thank you constable, good night.

The children and constable exit.

MRS BANKS What are we going to do?

BANKS I shall put an advert in The Times: ‘Wanted. Nanny. Firm,


respectable, no nonsense.’

Mr and Mrs Banks exit.

Jane and Michael appear in a different part of the stage with a piece of paper.

JANE ‘Wanted a nanny for two adorable children.’

They throw the paper and then exit.

MARY POPPINS enters and picks up the piece of paper and reads it.

SCENE TWO

POPPINS Are you the father of Jane and Michael Banks?

BANKS I am indeed.

POPPINS I believe a trial period would be wise. I’ll give you a week. I’ll
know by then. (Shakes hands with Banks.)

Jane and Michael enter and stare.

Close your mouth, Michael. We are not a cod fish. Perhaps you
would carry my bag. Best foot forward. Spit spot!

BANKS But …. excuse me …

POPPINS Thank you, Mr Banks.

Mary Poppins and the children enter the nursery.

JANE I’m afraid the nursery isn’t very tidy.

MICHAEL That’s a funny sort of bag – there’s nothing in it.

POPPINS Well, first things first. (To the children’s amazement she produces
some unusual items from her bag.) Never judge things by their
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appearance. (She pulls out a tape measure and measures Michael.)


‘Extremely stubborn and suspicious.

MICHAEL I am not!

POPPINS (Measures Jane.) ‘ Rather inclined to giggle and doesn’t put things
away.’ Hmm.

MICHAEL What about you?

POPPINS ‘Mary Poppins. Practically perfect in every way.’

JANE Mary Poppins. Is that your name? It’s lovely.

POPPINS Come along, our first game is called ‘tidying the nursery.’

MICHAEL (Suspiciously.) It is a game isn’t it, Mary Poppins?

SCENE THREE

BERT I’d know that face anywhere. Mary Poppins!

POPPINS Nice to see you again, Bert. This is Jane and Michael.

BERT I’ve seen you two here and about.

JANE Mary Poppins is taking us to the park.

BERT Not if I know Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins takes you to places
you’ve never dreamed of. What she’s got in mind is a jolly holiday
somewhere or other. It just takes a bit of magic.

SONG : JOLLY HOLIDAY

During the song they are served tea by penguins, and then have a race on hobby horses.
Mary Poppins wins

REPORTER How does it feel, Mary Poppins, winning the race?

POPPINS Oh well, I ….

REPORTER And having your picture taken for the newspaper?

POPPINS Well naturally I’m ….

REPORTER There probably aren’t words to describe your emotions.

POPPINS On the contrary. There’s a very good word.


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BERT Tell ‘em what it is?

SONG:- SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS?

SCENE FOUR

Mary Poppins is saying good night to the children.

JANE We couldn’t possibly go to sleep, Mary Poppins. So many things


happened today. Will you promise to stay forever, Mary Poppins?

POPPINS I shall stay until the wind changes.

MRS BANKS (To Mr Banks.) Since you hired Mary Poppins the most
extraordinary thing seems to have come over the household.

BANKS I don’t understand why everyone’s so cheerful!

JANE Mary Poppins taught us the most wonderful word.

MICHAEL Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Mary Poppins says it makes you


feel better.

BANKS Whatever are you talking about?

MICHAEL And jokes! ‘A man walking down the street with a wooden leg
named Smith.’

JANE ‘Really what was his other leg called?’ (They laugh.)

BANKS Mary Poppins, I must confess, I am extremely disappointed!

MRS BANKS George, are you certain you know what you are doing? You always
wanted a cheerful household.

BANKS Mary Poppins, these children must learn to lead the type of life I
lead.

POPPINS Very well, Mr Banks. Then tomorrow I shall have the children
dressed and ready to come to work with you. Goodnight. (She leads
the children to their room.) Tomorrow you are going with your
father to the city.

JANE Will he show us all the sights?

POPPINS Well, maybe not all of them. Sometimes a person, through no fault
of their own, cannot see past the end of their nose. There are things
in the city which some people never see.

SONG: FEED THE BIRDS.


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SCENE FIVE

Mr Banks and the children enter the bank.

BANKS My children wish to open an account.

DAWES JUNIOR Just how much money do you have?

MICHAEL Tuppence – but I want it to feed the birds.

DAWES SENIOR Tuppence. Precisely how I started. ( Takes tuppence.) Welcome to


our joyful family of investors.

MICHAEL Give it back!

JANE Give him back his money!

CUSTOMER There’s something wrong. The bank won’t give someone back his
money!

CUSTOMER 2 Well I’m going to get mine! Every penny!

CUSTOMER 3 Me too!

Everyone rushes for their money. Michael and Jane run away.
Outside the bank, Bert grabs them. They do not recognise him.

BERT Here, here! Wait a moment!

MICHAEL Leave us alone!

BERT Easy now – it’s me, Bert.

JANE Bert, it’s you. You’re filthy.

BERT So it happens that today I’m a chimney sweep!

MICHAEL (Sadly.) Oh Bert, it doesn’t seem that our father likes us at all.

BERT That doesn’t seem likely.

JANE It’s true.

BERT Poor man. Stuck in that cold heartless bank day after day. He continues at his job
uncomplaining, alone and silent.

JANE Do you think father really needs our help?


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BERT A father can always do with a bit of help. How would you like to help with a bit of
chimney sweeping?

SONG: CHIM CHIM CHEREE?

Mary Poppins appears.

POPPINS Spit spot!

BERT Hello, Mary Poppins! This is what you might call a fortunate circumstance. Look
there – a trackless jungle of chimneys just waiting to be explored.
There’s a whole world at your feet and who gets to see it but the
birds, the stars and the chimney sweeps.

DANCE: STEP IN TIME ?

Mr Banks arrives. The sweeps exit shaking hands with him as they go.

JANE Oh father, every one of those sweeps shook your hand. You’re going to be the
luckiest person in the world.

BANKS What is the meaning of this outrage?

POPPINS I beg your pardon?

BANKS Explain yourself!

POPPINS I never explain anything.

BANKS Then let me explain something to you. I have been summoned this
evening for a meeting at the bank. It looks as if it is the end of my
career there.

Silence.

JANE Oh father, we’re sorry about the tuppence. We didn’t know it would cause you so
much trouble.

MICHAEL Father, you can have the tuppence.

JANE Will that make everything alright?

Mary Poppins and Mrs Banks leads the children away. Bert remains with Mr Banks.

BERT Life is a rum go guv’nor, and that’s the truth.

BANKS It’s that Mary Poppins. From the moment she stepped in to this
house things started to happen.
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BERT Mary Poppins?

BANKS She tricked me into taking the children on a trip to the bank.

BERT Tricked you into taking children on an outing – outrageous. You with all the
important things you have to do. You’re a man of high position,
esteemed by your peers – and when your little ones are cryin’, you
haven’t time to dry their tears.

Bert exits. Banks looks thoughtful.

SCENE SEVEN

DAWES JUNIOR Come in, Banks.

BANKS Good evening, gentlemen.

DAWES SENIOR Get on with it.

DAWES JUNIOR There has not been a run on this bank since 1776. Until today.

DAWES SENIOR A Run caused by the disgraceful conduct of your children.

DAWES JUNIOR Do you have anything to say, Banks?

BANKS Just one word, Sir.

DAWES SENIOR Yes?

BANKS Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Mary Poppins was right. It does


make you feel better.

DAWES SENIOR The man’s gone mad. Call the guards!

BANKS A man walks down the street with a wooden leg named Smith!
Really, what was his other leg called! Ha! Here, take your tuppence.
Good-bye!

DAWES JUNIOR Where are you going?

BANKS I might go anywhere I like, and do anything. I might just fly a kite!

Mr Banks exits.

DAWES SENIOR A wooden leg named Smith? A wooden leg named Smith. Ha!

Dawes Senior can’t stop laughing.

SCENE EIGHT
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Mary Poppins is packing.

JANE She only promised to stay until the wind changed.

MICHAEL Is that right, Mary Poppins.

JANE Mary Poppins, don’t you love us?

POPPINS And what would happen to me, may I ask you, if I loved all the
children I said good-bye to?

Silence.

Mr Banks enters on the other side of the stage happily skipping and singing.

MRS BANKS George, I’ve been so worried! What happened?

BANKS (Happily.) I’ve been sacked!

HOUSEKEEPER He’s gone mad, poor fellow.

BANKS Where are the children? Jane! Michael!

POPPINS Your father is calling you.

MICHAEL It doesn’t sound like father.

POPPINS (Fondly.) Run along. Spit spot!

The children run to Mr Banks who is holding their kite.

MICHAEL You mended it!

JANE However did you manage it?

SONG: LET’S GO FLY A KITE.?

Dawes Junior enters.

DAWES JUNIOR Ah, there you are, Banks. I want to congratulate you. Your joke last
night was so funny that father died laughing.

BANKS Oh, I’m so sorry!

DAWES JUNIOR Nonsense – nothing to be sorry about. Never seen him happier in his
life! He left an opening for a new partner. Congratulations!

BANK Thank you very much indeed, Sir.


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Unseen by the family, Mary Poppins puts up her umbrella and starts to leave.

POPPINS Now things are just as they should be.

BERT (Calling after her.) Good-bye, Mary Poppins! Don’t stay away too long.

M.C Stage Three are going to take us in a different direction by


performing extracts from two famous stage musicals that both
found a new lease of life on the big screen.

M.C The first comes from Little Shop of Horrors. The story of a
A man eating plant which wants to take over the world!

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS


A group of Winos are curled up on the floor wearing large coats
and possibly hats. Someone enters carrying an umbrella, stands
among the Winos and begins to speak.

VOICE On the twenty-first day of the month of September,


in an early year of a decade not too long before
our own, the human race suddenly encountered a
deadly threat to it's very existence. And this
terrifying enemy surfaced - as such enemies often
do - in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of
places.

CRYSTAL, RONNETTE and CHIFFON enter under umbrellas. They laugh


and begin to sing.

(Dance - LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS)

They exit. Table on, with flowers. Crash off stage. Enter
Mushnik.

MUSHNIK What did you break now, Krelborn?

SEYMOUR (off) Nothing, Mr Mushnik.

AUDREY rushes in through the audience shaking umbrella.

MUSHNIK So, She finally decides to come to work.

AUDREY Good morning Mr Mushnik.

MUSHNIK It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. Not that we had


a customer. Who has customers when you run a flower
shop on skid row ?

SEYMOUR enters with a tray of plants. He trips and falls.

Seymour! Look what you done now!

AUDREY Don’t yell at Seymour, Mr Mushnik.


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SEYMOUR Hi Audrey!

AUDREY I’ll help you clean up.

AUDREY and SEYMOUR exit. Enter RONNETTE, CRYSTAL and CHIFFON


with girls.

MUSHNIK You ought to be in school.

CHIFF We’re on the split shift.

GIRLS Right.

RONN We went to school ‘til the fifth grade, then


we split.

MISHNIK So how do you intend to better yourselves?

GIRLS Better ourselves?

CRYSTAL Mister, when you from Skid Row, aint no such thing.

(SONG – SKID ROW)

As the song ends AUDREY and SEYMOUR remain tending flowers.


Mushnik paces up and down. The GIRLS hang around.

MUSHNIK Six o’clock and we didn’t sell so much as a fern.


Don’t bother coming in tomorrow. I’m closing this
customer forsaken place.

GIRL 1 Maybe what you need is a new direction.

GIRL 2 Some of those exotic plants Seymour has been


tinkering around with – prominently displayed-
may attract business.

SEYMOUR rushes off and re-enters carrying a large sickly


looking plant.

MUSHNIK What kind of weirdo plant is that?

SEYMOUR I don’t know. I haven’t been able to identify it


in any of my books. So I named it Audrey Two.

AUDREY After me?

SEYMOUR nods. All heads turn as TWO CUSTOMERS enter.

CUST 1 Excuse me. I couldn’t help noticing you holding


that strange plant. What is it?

SEYMOUR It’s an Audrey Two.

CUST 2 Where did you get it?

SEYMOUR Strange plants are my hobby. It was sold to me by


an old Chinese man two weeks ago during that total
eclipse of the sun.
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CUST 1 What an unusual story and a fascinating plant.

THE CUSTOMERS turn to exit.

CUST 2 Oh, while I'm here, can I order a hundred dollars


worth of roses. Here's my card. Thank you.

The CUSTOMERS exit.

MUSNNIK Well don't just stand there. Put that plant where
passers by can see it! Nurse that plant back to
health, Seymour. I'm counting on you. (Exit with
girls.)

SEYMOUR Aw Audrey Two, I don't know what else to do


for you. Are you sickly, little plant, or just
plain stubborn ? What is it you want? What is it
you need?

Seymour pricks himself on a rose thorn.


Audrey Two opens her mouth.

Ouch! Damned thorns! Hey, you opened up!

He notices the blood on his finger.

I think I know what made you do that. Well I guess


a few drops wouldn't hurt.

He squeezes his finger over the plants mouth.

PLANT Feed me!

SEYMOUR I beg your pardon?

PLANT Feed me, Seymour! Feed me now.

SEYMOUR Look, maybe I can squeeze a little out of this


finger.

PLANT More! More!

SEYMOUR What do you want me to do? Slit my wrists?

PLANT Must be blood! Must be fresh!

SEYMOUR I don't want to hear this.

Extract from song ‘Feed Me!’

SEYMOUR Look, I'll run round the corner and get you a
pound of roast beef. That's my best offer!

PLANT It's better then nothing.

SEYMOUR Exits. AUDREY enters.

Hey, Little Lady, hello.

AUDREY Seymour?
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PLANT No, it ain't Seymour - it's ME!

AUDREY gasps in fear.

AUDREY Am I dreaming this?

PLANT No. And you ain't in Kansas, neither. Fetch me some


water.

AUDREY picks up a can of water. The PLANT opens up. AUDREY


goes to pour the water in, and the plant grabs her.

PLANT And now it's suppertime!!

AUDREY screams.

M.C Our final performance comes from a stage show that only very
recently made it to the big screen. This time the villain is
human rather than plant – but just as deadly.

M.C Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd!

SWEENEY TODD

SONG: The Ballad of Sweeney Todd

TODD: That’s him? Over there?

MRS LOVETT: Yes, dear. He’s always here on Thursdays.

TODD (reading the sign): Haircutter, barber, toothpuller to His Royal Majesty the
King of Naples.

MRS LOVETT: Eyetalian. All the rage, he is.

TODD: Not for long.

MRS LOVETT: Oh Mr. T., you really think you can do it?

TODD: By tomorrow they’ll all be flocking to me like sheep to be shorn.

********************

TOBIAS: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have you attention please. If you’re having
trouble with thinning hair, then there’s no need to despair! Pirelli’s miracle elixir will
do the trick. It’s guaranteed!

A small crowd gathers


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Thirty days ago, was as bald as a coot and now look at me barnett! Rub it in once a
week and you too could have hair as thick as a rug! It’s a miracle, honest! Penny buys
a bottle. How about a bottle, mister? Ma’am?

1ST MAN: Penny a bottle! Well I am going a little thin on top.

1ST WOMAN: Not that Thin! It smells disgusting! Come on.

The crowd begins to disperse, muttering as they go

TOBIAS (desperate to keep his customers): Thick as a rug I say. Go ahead and tug,
sir.

2nd MAN: A penny a bottle, is it?

TOBIAS: Go ahead, sir, harder! You wife can have a go too if she likes.

2nd MAN (to his wife, who is by now tugging Tobias’ hair): Might as well for a penny,
watcher think?

2nd WOMAN: Go ahead and try it, wot the hell!

TOBIAS (To the others): How about a sample? Have you ever smelled a cleaner
smell?

Tobias passes a sample to the crowd who smell it and react before passing it on

3rd WOMAN (Smelling it): Phew!!!

4th WOMAN: Isn’t it a crime they let these urchins clog up the pavement?

TOBIAS (To 2nd MAN who is trying out his purchase): That’s enough, sir! Just a dab
is all that’s required.

2nd MAN: It’s working! I can feel me hair growing as I speak!

CROWD (Simultaneously): Me. I’ll have one. It’s only a penny. Two for me please.
Guaranteed you say? Over here.

The crowd begin using the product once purchased

TODD (to Lovett): Pardon me, Ma’am, what’s that foul stench?

MRS LOVETT: Must be standing over the sewers.

TODD: Smells like we’re in the sewers!

By now the dispersing crowd has reached Todd and Mrs Lovett

TODD (To 3RD MAN as he takes his bottle and smells it): What’s this?
20

3rd MAN: Propagates the hair, sir!

TODD (He smells it before passing it to Lovett): Smells like urine!

MRS LOVETT (Smelling it): Ohhhh!

TODD (Examining it further): It is urine, mixed with ink!

3rd MAN (To the crowd): He says this is urine!!

The crowd begin smelling their hands and each others heads. As they realise what
they’ve been rubbing on their hair, they get angry and shout simultaneously at Tobias

CROWD: What is this? Give me my money back! What a rip off! Where’s this
Pirelli?
Get him out here! It stinks!

4th WOMAN (To 3rd WOMAN): Well, I’m glad we didn’t buy a bottle!

In the confusion, Pirelli appears

PIRELLI: I am Aldofo Pirelli, da King of de barbers, da barber of Kings! E buon


giorno, good day! I wish-a to know who say my elixir smell like urine!?!

TODD: I do! I am Mr. Sweeney Todd and I have opened a bottle of Pirelli’s Elixir,
and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud, concocted from urine and ink!

MRS LOVETT (To the crowd): He’s right. Phew! Buying that stuff is like throwing
your money down the drain.

TOBIAS (Trying to salvage custom): Ladies and Gentlemen, pay no attention to that
madam. Who’s to be the first for a magnificent shave?

PIRELLI: Free of charge!

TODD (To the crowd): I have serviced no Kings, yet I’ll wager I can shave a cheek
and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street charlatan! (To Pirelli)
I’ll bet you five pounds you are no match for my skill. You here me, sir? Either
accept my challenge or reveal yourself as a con artist!

PIRELLI (To the crowd): You hear zis foolish man? Watch and see how he will regret
his folly. Five pounds it is!

TODD: Friends, neighbours, who’s for a free shave?

4TH MAN: Me, Mr. Todd, sir.

5TH MAN: And me, Mr. Todd.


21

TODD (To Mrs Lovett): Bring me a chair woman.

MRS LOVETT (Sarcastically): Why of course, sir!

PIRELLI (To Tobias): You, boy. Sit!

TOBIAS: But sir, I ain’t started shaving yet!!

PIRELLI (Pushing him into the chair): You have now!

TODD: Who will be the judge?

5th WOMAN: Me, I will Mr. Todd, sir.

She takes her place between Todd and Pirelli who are by now ready to begin

PIRELLI: Ready!

TODD: Ready!

5th Woman blows a whistle and the shaving begins, underscored by piano. When Todd
has completed the shave in half the time of Pirelli, she blow the whistle again

5th WOMAN: The winner is Todd!

MRS LOVETT (Stroking the cheek of 4th MAN): Smooth as a baby’s bum!

PIRELLI: Sir, I bow to a skill far defter than my own.

Pirelli gives an extravagant bow and attempts to exit with Tobias

TODD: The five pounds, sir?

PIRELLI: Ah! Here it is, sir. And may the good Lord smile upon you - until we meet
again. Come boy!

He exits, chastising Tobias as they go

6th MAN: Oh, sir, Mr. Todd, sir, do you have an establishment of your own, sir?

MRS LOVETT: He certainly does. Sweeney Todd’s Tonsorial Parlour – above my


meat pie shop on Fleet Street. All are welcome. I guarantee, Mr. Todd will give you
the closest of shaves!!

SONG: The Ballad of Sweeney Todd

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