T Is for Tolerance
Schools may teach the value of acceptance during this Black History Month, but it is our
duty to instill an unbiased mindset in our children all the time. Here, some thoughts on
why teaching tolerance is important, and tips for handling the awkward moments.
Y
ou are waiting in line at a department store.
Your kindergartner spots a person nearby
using a walker. Quite innocently yet inquisi-
tively, the child asks you within hearing distance
of others why that person “walks funny.”
Situations such as these are common. Children
are naturally curious about anybody who looks
or acts “different” from what they are used to.
This could involve people who are disabled, who
belong to another ethnicity, race, or religion,
or people who have different viewpoints. The
list goes on. Diversity is the norm in our world
today, a world that is getting smaller, so to speak,
thanks to advances in technology and infinite
opportunities for travel.
Children inevitably will come into contact
with those who could be construed as “differ-
ent” from them. It is therefore important for
parents to have tools at the ready to help their
children navigate the often-tricky waters of learn-
ing tolerance. Experts agree that teaching toler-
ance is integral to a child’s success in education
and beyond.
34 February2011 www.nymetroparents.com
By Chris Chagaris
Setting the Right Tone
The main ingredient here for parents is teaching
by example. “Parents who practice discrimination
pass it on to their kids,” says Los Angeles-based
diversity consultant Sahar Andrade. “This can
lead to problems with a child’s learning process.
For example, if a child has absorbed certain nega-
tive attitudes about people of a certain race or
ethnicity and someone of that group is his or her
teacher, the child might well be hostile toward
the teacher and consequently, not absorb the
lessons taught in class.” She adds, “Every child
learns by example. Early childhood and family
experiences shape attitudes.”
It is not ever too early to begin teaching a child
the merits of tolerance. Robin Ordan, LMT,
LCSW, a Stamford, Connecticut-based social
worker who is also the lower school counselor at
Stamford’s King Low Heywood Thomas School
says, “I believe teaching tolerance should begin
from age 0 on. Kids absorb what parents teach
them from day one until they are older. The
majority of teaching isn’t done overtly, but in
more offhand ways. Children see who their par-
ents’ friends are. Or, they may overhear their par-
ents making derogatory comments about some-
body’s weight or religion. Many parents are not
conscious of the messages they convey.”
Kate Vivanco, EdM, LCSW cites some exam-
ples. “Parents can be unaware that they are
sending certain messages to children concerning
diversity. For example, always demonstrating a
‘white’ preference when choosing a doll that is
available in multiple skin tones, such as Barbie,
can send a message to the child that a white skin
tone is preferable. I encourage parents to take
a look around at the toys, books, and movies
in the home and to think about whether or not
they promote an interest in different cultures and
a preference for diversity. I would suggest that
families read books together on different cultures
and encourage conversations about culture, race,
and differences.”
Andrade notes in one of many articles she has
written on the topic that it is helpful and fun to
involve children in different cultural festivities to
further offer an understanding of diversity. She says that
an open dialogue with children is key to helping them
keep open minds on the topic of differences. She adds
that it is advisable for parents to candidly and honestly
address questions their kids may have. An unwillingness
to participate in a discussion is a signal to a child that
something is wrong with those who possess differences.
Instilling Empathy
Ordan’s capacity as a school counselor includes work-
ing with pre-K through fifth graders on the topics of
tolerance and diversity. “We use two curricula for the
kindergarten through fifth graders—a workbook and an
interactive program,” she says. “The kids discuss certain
subjects as part of this, stereotyping being one. They
learn that everyone has their strengths and challenges.
It’s inspiring to see the children self-monitor and encour-
age each other to be supportive of others.”
She makes a point that addresses the department store
scenario mentioned above: “If a child makes an off-put-
ting comment in public concerning another person who
looks or acts differently, it is a teachable moment for the
parent,” Ordan explains. “I would suggest for the parent
to quietly pull the child aside and address the comment,
depending on how the child directed it. For example, if
the person the child commented about was handicapped
or overweight, the parent can ask the child how he or
she would feel being in the other person’s shoes and the
target of certain comments. It’s about creating compas-
sion and empathy for others in order for the child to be
self-reflective.” She adds, “If the other person hears the
child’s comment, in that case it might be in order for the
parent to direct the child to own up to this mistake and
apologize to the person.”
Danielle Sullivan, a Brooklyn mom of three ages 18,
13, and seven, believes that empathy is a key component
to instill in this process. “A child who is being made fun
of is probably suffering, and I would encourage my child
to reach out in some way—maybe by offering to play
together or sit together at lunch. It is our duty as parents
to teach our kids to be good to one another, and we
must model that for our kids as well. Like Gandhi said,
we have to be the change we want to see.”
Another mom of three, Bernadette Montalvo of Long
Island, offers her take on the subject. Teaching tolerance
is a high priority in her family, which includes kids ages
one, five, and nine. “Today’s children are our future, and
we need to direct them to be great leaders. To do this,
they need to learn to work with one another.” Montalvo
offers some insight, as well, based on her own personal
experience: “My husband is Hispanic, and so my kids
need to learn first-hand tolerance of others. Even though
they are being raised American, they have relatives who
speak Spanish. At first, this was odd to them, but I
explained that not everyone is like them. People speak
other languages, are different colors, sizes, shapes, etc.
I believe that if you don’t make an issue out of one’s
differences, kids won’t either.”
Of course, teaching tolerance does not mean teaching
children to tolerate aaberrant behavior such as bullying
or maliciousness. Those actions are not in keeping with
the true spirit of tolerance, which is acceptance of people
who are different and treating them with kindness. It is
important to remember that just as intolerance is learned,
so is tolerance. To again quote Gandhi, “We have to be
the change we want to see” to help that along for the
next generation.
Open a Book,
Open Their World
The Sandwich Swap
By Queen Rania of Jordan Al Abdullah and
Kelly DiPucchio (Hyperion)
Co-authored by the Queen of Jordan, this engag-
ing read tells the story of Lily and Salma, whose
friendship disintegrates over a hummus and pita
sandwich in the school cafeteria. As the intoler-
ance spreads and kids choose sides, name-calling
ensues (the “jelly heads” vs. the “chickpea
brains”), but the final message is one of hope
and acceptance. ($16.99; kindergarten-grade 2)
A Value Tales Treasury:
Stories forGrowing Good People
By Spencer Johnson, M.D. (Simon & Schuster)
From the author of the now-classic business-tome
Who Moved My Cheese? comes a collection of five
stories—“imaginographies,” if you will—that bring his-
toric figures to life, people who listened to their inner
voice to become stronger people. Harriet Tubman’s
tale teaches the value of helping, but also illustrates
how unfair treatment of somebody different is not only
wrong, but hurtful. ($19.99; ages 5 and up)
My Princess Boy
By Cheryl Kilodavis (Aladdin)
The title character likes the color pink, sparkly
dresses, and ballet tutus. And while some people
just don’t get the princess boy, his family and
friends provide the love and respect he deserves.
Originally written to explain to teachers and fel-
low students the uniqueness of the author’s own
son, Dyson, this story will capture the hearts of
anyone (of any age!) who has ever felt left out
just because they’re different. ($14.99; ages 3-6)
q
A
CLASSI
C!
The Sneetches and Other Stories
By Dr. Seuss (Random House)
The timeless story of the Star-Bellied Sneetches
and the Plain-Bellied Sneetches has not wearied
with time, and the subtle message of how foolish
it can be to subscribe to stereotypes—well, in
singular Seussian style, is made charming and fun.
It’s one for the ages. ($12.95; ages 5 and up)
www.nymetroparents.com WestchesterParent 35