Reasons to Dump Your Disney Prince

By Kathleen Fitzgerald

The Prince (“Cinderella”)
Over/under odds that this one’s really a drug allegory. Poor girl spends most of her teen years down on her knees working for “the man.” At some point, homegirl befriends fellow hoodrats (mice), finds a fairy godmother to give her slippers made of “glass” (methamphetamine), and convinces an older man of unearned wealth (pimp) to take care of her. Where to begin …  


The Beast (“Beauty and the Beast”)
Unless you’re a furry, there’s not much point to spending time with a guy who looks like Alf’s taller, fatter, angrier uncle … and who throws snowballs like a little girl.  

The Prince (“Snow White”)
Falling in love with a raven-haired maid simply because she sings nicely while performing manual labor does not bode well for your future interactions with Mexican housekeepers.

Li Shang (“Mulan”)
Didn’t remember this warrior-prince at all, but a quick Wikipedia search describes him as the guy who “abandons [an injured] Mulan on the mountain” after she reveals her lady parts to him. 2011 translation: this is the guy who won’t call you after the one-night stand.  

Aladdin (“Aladdin”)
Having daddy issues is cute when you’re 17 and blaring Avril Lavigne while running around a high school track. If you’re a grown woman rocking MC Hammer pants and looking for a husband, there’s nothing cute about marrying the hustler in the purple vest.

John Smith (“Pocahontas”)
Scenario: Your Mom’s dead, your Dad doesn’t know how to have “the talk” with you. What’s a Native American girl to do? Why not start diddling the racist guy! If you ever find yourself singing “Colors of the Wind” to convince your Nazi-ish boyfriend that your skin hue is natural and beautiful, it’s time to search for new land.  

Prince Naveen (“The Princess and the Frog”)
Men don’t change. Princes won’t either. Hopping into bed with a frog isn’t a Disney movie; it’s rock bottom.

Prince Phillip (“Sleeping Beauty”)
Wearing a pointy feathered cap and riding cape indoors makes us think you’re a pretty boy. Trolling coma wards for makeout partners makes us think you’re creepy. And stabbing the only strong female within a two village radius is nothing to celebrate, even if she is acting like a malevolent, firebreathing dragon. (It’s called PMS.)

Prince Eric (“The Little Mermaid”)
Don’t date seamen. Period. If your guy has been in one port, he’s been in them all. Something about the way Eric was so quick to drop Ariel for Ursula’s voice-thieving harlot makes us think he’s Disney’s Warren Beatty and will work through Princesses I-X before settling down happily with the town lesbian.  

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