Sunday, May 18, 2008 Tar Baby Have you ever felt stuck?

A while ago, the day before yesterday, I was talking to Matt, venting my frustrations after making the mistake of sitting around Watters long enough for him to espouse his tried and true "kill em all" ideas about war. I was talking to Matt about how absurd this entire thing is. How a bunch of people fly half way around the world to kill people for money and those people try to kill them for money. And at the same time, there's these small vehement zealot groups on both sides fueling the whole thing for the rest of us to die in and all these old people keep trying to relieve Vietnam out here through stories as if they actually won it. This entire thing is so profoundly absurd I can't even describe it. Everyone complains about their sandwiches or how the Mountain Dew tastes funny while they're sitting in a war zone of an occupied third world nation half way across the globe. Everywhere you turn this quagmire has become a tourist trap unless you look outside the wire and then it's "why don't they just shoot anyone who comes close to the wire and forget about all the villagers who complain of their kids being shot while picking corn because their fields are right next to the base". It's all just nonsense. Anyways, I was talking to him about this stuff, and it reminded me of something from the Principia Discordia, where they draw a chart where one axis is Order/Disorder and the other is Good/Bad. Kind of like those genetic charts, and they show how if you pick order over disorder or disorder over order you have to take good and bad when if you choose neither you could have all good. Matt said something like "these religious people have a set structure and system so they say life makes sense, and you, you have no system so you struggle with life making no sense." That made me think, aren't sense and nonsense just the same as order and disorder? Am I picking both good and bad by insisting the absurdity of life is strictly nonsensical? Shouldn't I abandon both sense and nonsense and look to what's outside of it all? Instead of insisting on the black or the white, why not take the entire Taijitu? I was talking about this to Matt and he asked "so how do you do that, move to something completely new that none of us understand?" Since then, I spent the rest of the night wondering that. I've been thinking and, at that moment, I felt I was close to something really big. Like feeling the current pulling you while standing on the edge of a waterfall. I know it's there and I can almost reach it, but I'm stuck. I think I'm stuck because I'm me, but I'm not sure. I keep asking questions and thinking about it. I'm trying to solve it like a riddle, but how do you solve a Rubik's cube with two of the stickers swapped? I'm so fucking close I can almost taste it and I have no idea what to do. My whole life has been this search, this continuous search. When I was young, I sought God, salvation and meaning in my life. I wanted to live God's will, to have some sign that I was fulfilling my life's purpose. When God never answered, I left Christianity and felt that life was pointless, there was no purpose. I spent my time wandering through philosophy, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to understand other religions, other people, other systems, how do other's make sense of what I couldn't grasp? I started searching through sciences and religions more, looking to see what empiricism could teach me about life and contrasting it with other structures. I've been moving further and further from my original Christian beliefs, I've prayed, I've studied, I've meditated, I've pondered, I've spilt my blood in offering to pagan Gods and all

of this is still the same search for something. What's inside of the balloon the universe expands on the surface of? I can feel I'm so fucking close to it, but the more I talk about it, the more I think about it, the harder I try, the further I get. I keep just leading myself in little circles all around it, on tangential paths skipping across the surface of that balloon. I think I'm getting somewhere, because the direction has changed, but then it starts rising away from the center of the balloon and I realize I've lost focus and am asking this wrong question again. I think all questions are wrong and that's why I can't get there. Asking questions is all I know how to do. It's so close, and I can't reach it because I'm me.

EDIT: I forgot to mention this before, because I got caught up in trying to explain it, but this whole instance has put me back in that weird feeling as if everything is an illusion created by my mind. I was sitting in the back of the MRAP while we were doing our night driving, each of us would take a turn driving it along the fence outlining the base. It's been dusty and foggy out here, so you couldn't see anything for more than 100 yards or so, it's very ominous because that's when the attacks come. There was at least one firefight that night. You would see people walking the perimeter and every now and then hear gunfire. In the back of the MRAP, it's like something out of a video game where all the soldiers are crammed into this APC waiting and talking before the mission starts, and here I am, not understanding any of this, still trying to figure out if I'm actually in Iraq, riding around a post in an armored car while wearing this almost sci-fi gear in some beast of a vehicle that looks like it should be part of star ship troopers. Anyways, I'm there, and I realize, everyone is me. Each of the people out here, in our group is a different part of myself. Garner is my childish side, selfish and immature, Watters is my foil, my former self spouting bigoted fundiism. Peterson is my good religious side, accepting and tolerant of all other religions while still following his own. Morris is my counterpart, he's me talking to myself to understand anything. Begay is my guide, keeping me in check with myself. All of this, it feels like I've created with my mind, or maybe something else created it for me and my mind is persisting it. I don't know, but it feels like something I only felt once before when I finally understood what Descartes was saying when he said "I think, therefore I am". Even if all of this exists outside of me, we're still all the same. All people are people. If we do not know if they exist, they exist within us, therefore they are us. How can we so easily hate ourselves? Even from a scientific perspective, all energy on the Earth comes from the sun. All of us are little bits of the sun's life moving and living on the surface of this planet. We are the sun.

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