Bush to Appoint Jimmy Carter Ambassador to Hell

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · (2008-04-15) — As former President Jimmy Carter meets this week with Hamas leaders in the West Bank and Syria, sources at the State Department say President George Bush will soon honor Mr. Carter’s decades of freelance diplomacy by appointing him as the first U.S. Ambassador to Hell. “Bush just wants Carter to go there,” said an unnamed State Department source, “and to set up an embassy, and try to be a good listener, open a communication channel, find common ground.” Mr. Carter has said his discussions with prominent Hamas member Nasser al-Shaer today and with the group’s exiled leader Khaled Mashaal on Friday will seek to discover areas of flexibility on the part of the terrorist organization which exists to destroy Israel. Mr. Bush reportedly chose Mr. Carter as U.S. Ambassador to Hell because it’s a post that will allow the aging former president “to just keep on doing what he’s been doing on the foreign relations front for many years.”

Hillary Considers Elitist VP, Obama Mulls Hill
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace (2008-04-16) — After dodging last night’s debate question about whether each Democrat presidential opponent would pick the other as running mate, the campaigns of Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama this morning issued “clarifying statements” on the topic designed to promote party unity. During the debate, Sen. Clinton continued to portray her rival as an elitist, out of touch with average Americans, while Sen. Obama deftly dodged a question about Sen. Clinton’s honesty. Today, however, under pressure from Democrat party insiders each candidate said the other would make prime VP material. The ‘Clinton for President’ campaign released the following statement: “Sen. Clinton would certainly have to give serious consideration to choosing an elitist, anti-God, anti-gun vice president with virtually no experience and a demonstrated propensity for attracting people who hate America, like the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Weather Underground member William Ayers and, of course, Michelle Obama. After all, he represents a significant constituency within the Democrat party.” Likewise, the ‘Obama for President’ movement said Mrs. Clinton is on his short list of VP candidates. “Sen. Obama realizes he can’t be all things to all people,” according to a news release from the campaign, “For example, some Democrats might be reluctant to support an inspiring, intelligent, honest and attractive candidate with powerful speaking ability. For those voters, Hillary Clinton will bring balance to the ticket.”