Gore Visit Inspires Bipartisan Global Warming Bill By Scott Ott, Editor-in-Chief, ScrappleFace.

com News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. (2007-03-22) — Just a day after Oscar-winning filmmaker Al Gore took Capitol Hill by storm with testimony at two Congressional hearings, Democrats announced they would reach across the aisle to Republican global-warming skeptics to take immediate action to save the planet. Under the terms of a bipartisan measure to be introduced next week, Congress would create a new 30,000-person Department of Climate Control headed by a cabinet-level Secretary of Geothermal Management. “Honest people can disagree on the issue of what causes global warming or whether it’s even a problem,” said one unnamed Democrat Senator, “The important thing is that we appear to do something about it, and the thing Congress does best is levy taxes and create new government jobs.” In a concession to Republicans, some of whom believe higher temperatures could be caused by the sun, Democrats have agreed to fund the new department by taxing the sun on a sliding scale — $10 billion for each tenth of a degree rise or decline in the global average temperature. Of course, since there are no known taxpayers on the sun, American citizens would pick up the tab for the new tax. Progressive Republican leaders said they would support the measure, and White House sources said President George Bush will likely sign it, on the condition that the bill be called “The Patriotic Global War on Climate Change Act of 2007″ and that the new department be under the umbrella of Homeland Security. Congressional leaders said they’ll release the full text of the measure at a “fun, bipartisan, picnic-themed news conference” on the National Mall next week, featuring grilled hotdogs and beverages made from a popular brand of flavored drink mix. “We’ll read the bill out loud,” said the Democrat Senator, “then we’ll all drink the Kool-Aid.” Gore Tells Congressional Panel: I Don’t Exhale (2007-03-21) — Oscar-winning filmmaker Al Gore, testifying Wednesday before a Congressional panel on global warming, revealed a little-known technique he has used for years to reduce his personal greenhouse gas emissions. “I don’t exhale, and I haven’t since about 1991,” said the full-figured Mr. Gore. “Science shows there’s nothing wrong with humans breathing per se, it’s just the exhaling of carbon dioxide that threatens to bring our world to a premature, fiery, water-drenched apocalyptic end.” Mr. Gore, still a Democrat party favorite to win the White House in the year 2000, said he also reduces his so-called “carbon footprint” by giving speeches and making movies to convince other people to cut their greenhouse gas production, thereby offsetting the emissions generated by his own global travel in private jets as well as SUVs and limousines. “Leveraging the small efforts of millions of ordinary people is a very democratic way of achieving carbonneutrality,” Mr. Gore said. “It’s a team effort,” he added, while displaying a Powerpoint slide of the acronym: TEAM = Together Everyone Atones for Me