Timmy’s at Two

Written by HARRY CHONG & EDWARD DEJUAN

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: “TIMMY’S AT TWO”

1. EXT. HOUSE – DAY

A young man (face not shown) leaves his house. He goes into the
garage and gets out his bike. The young man gets onto his bike. He
pushes back the kickstand, presses the pedal forward and takes off
into the streets. Music and introductory credits play.

2. EXT. CITY STREETS -- ESTABLISHING – DAY

A first person view bike ride through the city. Various shots of graffiti
ridden walls, decrepit homes, transients, and prostitutes -- typical
city stuff.

3. EXT. ROOFTOP – DAY

The bike rider (young man) comes to a stop. At then opposite end of
the roof he sees a well dressed man climbing over the railing.

VICTOR
Hey.

Victor jumps off his bike and runs toward the suicidal man, Ed.

VICTOR
(Waving)
Hey!

Ed pauses and turns his head back to look. Victor arrives at the
railing, out of breath.

VICTOR
(Leaning)
Hey...

ED
May I help you?
 VICTOR
Don’t do it.

ED
Don’t do what?

VICTOR
Don’t kill yourself.

ED
Oh...Why?

VICTOR
Why? Wh-whaddya mean why?

ED
Why should I not kill myself?

VICTOR
Because...

ED
Because what?

VICTOR
Because it’s stupid, okay. Committing
suicide is stupid.

ED
And what makes it so stupid?

VICTOR
Let’s look at the phrase “committing
suicide” okay; second word, suicide, killing
your self. Makes sense right.

ED
Uh huh...

VICTOR
Now first word, committing, comes from the
word commit, right?

ED
Uh huh...
 VICTOR

And the word “commit” means to commit.

To dedicate one’s self... right?

ED
Right.

VICTOR
But what is the reason people kill
themselves for?

ED & VICTOR
...To get out of commitment.

ED
Yeah I get it, I get it. It’s an oxymoron.

VICTOR
An oxy-what?

ED
An oxymoron, an incongruent figure of
speech.

Victor is dumbfounded.

ED
(Sighs)
A self-contradictory phrase...rhetoric.

VICTOR
(Nodding)
Uh right, right, uh rhetoric.

ED
You don’t even know what that means do
you?

Victor shakes his head, no.

ED
Did you even graduate from high school?

VICTOR
 What’s that supposed to mean?

ED
Just saying this is pretty basic stuff.

VICTOR
Well I’m sorry I don’t have a Webster’s on
me.

ED
Heh, figures.

VICTOR
Shut the fuck up college boy.

ED
Excuse me?

VICTOR
What is your fucking problem? I am trying to
keep you from killing yourself. How about
more gratitude and less fucking attitude!

ED
I didn’t ask for your help, okay. So why don’t
you just shove a sharp stick up your fat
greasy ass?!

VICTOR
I’m not your mother. I don’t enjoy foreign
objects goin’ up my anus.

Ed removes his leg from the railing and steps back onto the roof. He
pulls up his sleeves.

ED
(Points)
You know what? It’s people like you who
make people like me, wanna kill themselves.
You are what’s wrong with Canada!

Victor grabs Ed by shirt and pulls his face in close.

VICTOR
But I’m not the one with the problems.
Ed pushes Victor away.

ED
I don’t have problems, I have issues.

VICTOR
Is there a difference?

ED
A problem is getting crabs. An issue is
walking in on your parents having sex...and
doing facials.

VICTOR
(Hand on Mouth)
Sweet Condi Rice!

ED
I know, I know! And on a Christmas
morning!

Victor puts his hand on Ed’s shoulder.

VICTOR
I feel your pain. But that still doesn’t explain
why you jaged off while watching.

Ed hits Victor’s hand off his shoulder.

ED
You’re sick. I’m gonna go kill myself now.

Ed lifts his leg of the railing but is pulled back by Victor.

VICTOR
Whoa, whoa, c’mon I was just kidding. Don’t
kill yourself okay.

ED
Why do you even care?

VICTOR
Somebody has to.

ED
Really.
 VICTOR
Really? I’m an attention whore. I’m only
trying to stop you from jumping because I
wanna get into the newspaper.

ED
I shouldn’t have asked.

Victor slaps Ed on the head.

ED
Ow!

VICTOR
What is wrong with you man? What do you
think I am Hitler? I don’t want you to jump
because I’m not a monster. I’m a human. I
don’t like to see people go splat at seven in
the morning, okay.

ED
Okay, okay.

VICTOR
Look I’m begging you. Please don’t jump. If
you jump you give up. If you give up...you’re
a pussy. You don’t want to be a pussy do
you?

ED
I want to be in one.

Victor pats Ed on the shoulder.

VICTOR
Hey you’re alright!
(Sighs, Looks at Watch)
Oh shit I’m late for work.

Victor begins walking backwards in haste.

VICTOR
We’ll talk about this later, okay.

Ed nods.
 VICTOR
In the meanwhile try staying alive. Okay?

Ed nods.

VICTOR
Okay, I’m outta here.

Victor waves goodbye and runs into the building. A few seconds
pass. Victor runs back out to lock his bike. Ed stares blankly. Victor
rummages around in his pocket for his bike lock keys.

VICTOR
Don’t act like you’ve never done this before.

Victor finishes locking his bike. He dashes toward the door, opens it
partially before entering.

VICTOR
Timmy’s at two okay?
(Gestures at Two)
And don’t be late! I hate when people are
late.

Ed nods. Victor disappears inside the building.

4. EXT. TIM HORTON’S – DAY

Ed is leaning on the glass outside Tim Horton’s. He lifts his sleeve

and looks at his watch 2:20 PM. As Ed is about to leave Victor
appears from out the Tim Horton’s. He is holding two cups of coffee
and a box of Tim-bits.

VICTOR
Hey you’re late. I told you I didn’t like late
people.

ED
I was waiting...

VICTOR
Never mind. Let’s just go find a place to eat.

ED
We’re not gonna eat inside.
 VICTOR
I’m not racist but I don’t really like the smell
of brown people.

ED
Whaddya mean?

Victor gestures with his head to the brown lady working at the
counter.

ED
You’re a jerk.

VICTOR
Did I not say I wasn’t racist?

ED
I know.

Silence. Ed and Victor cross the street.

EXT. PACIFIC MALL – DAY

Ed and Victor are sitting down on a curb. Victor opens the Tim-bit
box and eats a pastry. He offers one to Ed.

VICTOR
Tim-bit?

ED
No thanks. This isn’t exactly my idea of fine
dining.

VICTOR
What does that have to do with anything?

Ed has no reply.

VICTOR
So uh why’d you wanna kill yourself again?

ED
I really don’t wanna discuss this.

VICTOR
C’mon.
ED
It’s a bit personal.

VICTOR
C’mon.

ED
Just because you repeat yourself doesn’t
make it more effective.

VICTOR
C’mon.

ED
No I’m not gonna tell you. I hardly even
know you. Hell I don’t even know your
name.

VICTOR
Victor.

ED
(Shakes Hands with Victor)
Ed.

VICTOR
Short for?

ED
Edward.

VICTOR
Ah of course, of course.

ED
(Sips Coffee)
Why do you think we’re here?

VICTOR
Ah what?

ED
Why do you think we’re here on earth?
What’s our purpose? Who put us here? What
is the meaning to life?

VICTOR
See this is why you wanted to kill yourself;
thinking, too much thinking.

ED
Everyone thinks.

VICTOR
But they don’t think about unanswerable
questions like that. Thinking about
unanswerable questions is like running on a
treadmill to get somewhere. It just don’t
work.

ED
So you’ve never thought about these
things? You’ve never contemplated the
meaning of life and the things beyond?

VICTOR
Aw don’t patronize me. Of course I have. I
just don’t think about it very much.

ED
You know what I really think? I think there’s
no God, there’s no afterlife, and whatever
we do is completely and utterly pointless.
We exist merely to suffer.

VICTOR
What’re you a fucking Goth? You don’t know
that.

ED
Is there any evidence to the contrary?

VICTOR
The contrary...you mean the opposite?

ED
Yeah.
 VICTOR
Uh, sure.

ED
Well what’s the evidence?

VICTOR
(Sip Coffee)
Let me ask you a question. How complex is
a bicycle compared to the human body?

ED
Pretty damn complex.

VICTOR
And what are the chances of a bike being
built completely on its own?

ED
What kinda question is that?

VICTOR
Just answer it.

ED
Pretty damn slim.

VICTOR
So given the complexities of the human
body and the world overall, and the inability
for things, even simple things, to create
itself...

ED
Oh I know where this is going.
VICTOR
Don’t you think we do in fact have a
creator?

ED
Just because things are complex and beyond
our comprehension doesn’t mean they were
created by some old white omnipresent
invisible man.

VICTOR
I’m not saying god is an old white, uh
invisible man. I’m just saying in
general...there is probably a creator. I mean
if you look at the earth and all the great
things we have, there has to be.

ED
No there isn’t. It’s just random. Shit just
happened. Big bang, evolution, it just
mashed together. And by chance we came
to life.

VICTOR
Alright what about kids?

ED
What about them?

VICTOR
Let’s imagine for a second a couple has a
baby.

ED
An interracial couple?

VICTOR
Sure whatever floats your boat.

ED
Okay.

VICTOR
So the parents decide they don’t want a
baby. But they don’t wanna have an
abortion or kill it. So they decide to leave it
with a family of chimps.

ED
The hell?

VICTOR
Go with me on this one.

ED
Okay.
 VICTOR
So the couple leaves the baby with the
chimps. And in a few years the baby
becomes a kid; then another few years the
kid becomes a man.

ED
What’s your point?

VICTOR
Let’s say the kid, or the man, is of a fairly
highly intelligence. He can speak, he can
write, he can do whatever, just like humans.

ED
Right.

VICTOR
So do you think he would conclude, telling
by the physical appearances, that he did not
come from the chimps?

ED
Sure why not.

VICTOR
Okay. And remember he lives in isolation
from humanity. He has no idea of humans
whatsoever. As far as he knows he is the
only one.

ED
Okay.

VICTOR
So do you think after many, many years of
serious hard thinking he would logically
conclude he has no parents and he came to
be solely on his own?

ED
Of course not, that’s ridiculous.

VICTOR
But there’s no evidence to show that he did.
 ED
Yeah but he can conclude from the monkeys
and the similarities that they have that he
must have came about in the same manner.

VICTOR
But ultimately for him there is no proof or
evidence. He is living in complete isolation
from humans.

ED
Yeah but...

VICTOR
The lack of proof and the lack of evidence
show he did not have parents!

ED
(Stands)
But he fucking did!

VICTOR
Did he?

Ed paces back and forth.

VICTOR
(Stands)
You know what you are Ed?

ED
What?

VICTOR
You’re a pessimistic. You’re a cynical. You
think just think because things don’t show
themselves right away or aren’t
immediately apparent they aren’t there.

Ed stops pacing back and forth.

VICTOR
Face it man you’re hopeless. And I don’t
mean that in cruel way. I mean you don’t
have any hope. That’s why you wanted to
kill yourself. You only believe in the present,
 you never think of the future, you only think
of what is right in front of you.

Ed turns to Victor.

ED
Maybe you’re right. But you know what? I’m
realistic. I’d rather be sad and realistic than
hopeful and ignorant.

VICTOR
Sometimes you have to be ignorant to not
be ignorant.

ED
Interesting.

Ed looks at the darkening sky.

ED
Well would you look at the sky? It’s getting
late isn’t it? Maybe we should call it a day?

VICTOR
Yeah I think we should.

ED
Well I guess I’ll see you later then.

VICTOR
Likewise.

Ed and Victor shake hands, urban style. Ed begins walking away.

VICTOR
Wait.

Ed pauses and turns around.

VICTOR
I can give you a ride home if you want.

ED
You have a car?

VICTOR
 Yeah but it kinda smells like ass. I do have a
nice scooter though.

ED
Razor scooter?

VICTOR
No a real scooter.

ED
I think I’ll pass.

VICTOR
How far away is your house? Are you gonna
take the bus?

ED
I think I’ll walk.

VICTOR
Okay then tally-ho.

ED
Tally-ho.

5. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM – DAY

Victor is on the telephone arguing with his girlfriend Alyssa.

VICTOR
Uh huh. Yeah. Mm hmm. I know, I know. But
if...No I...C’mon you...But I... No. That’s not
gonna...Alyssa! Well if you think! I know, I
know! Ugh. Yeah.

Victor leans his hand on his face and tiredly listens to Alyssa’s
castigation.

VICTOR
Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ugh!

Victor mumbles, “Jesus Fucking Christ.” Alyssa yells at him. He lifts

the receiver away from his ear.

VICTOR
I didn’t say anything! Don’t you put words in
my mouth! I did not say that! ...Fine! You
 know what I don’t care! Do whatever the
hell you want! I don’t care, I really honestly
don’t care! Fine! Goodbye! Whatever!
(Hangs Up)
Argh...stupid bitch.

Victor is tense and angry. He picks up a magazine and whips it

against the wall. He rests his head in his hands and scowls. Victor
gets up and leaves his bedroom slamming the door behind him.

6. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, MAIN FLOOR - DAY

Victor tramps downstairs and grabs his jacket. He puts it on and

walks out the house.

7. EXT. STREET CORNER, BUS STOP - DAY

Ed is on the ground leaning his back against a glass bus stop. He is

holding a Tim Horton’s paper cup with change inside. A person
(stranger) comes by. Ed stands up and begs for money.

ED
Change?

STRANGER ONE
Screw off.

Stranger One scurries away, another person comes by.

ED
Change?

STRANGER TWO
Get a job asshole.

Ed flips out. He grabs Stranger Two and slams him against the glass.

ED
(Angry)
I tried okay. Unfortunately once you go
homeless nobody wants tah hire you
anymore! Is that my fault?! Is my fault
people won’t gimme the fucking time of
day?!

STRANGER TWO
 (Scared)
Hey I-I-I was just kidding.

ED
Oh really?

Victor is on an adjacent street corner. He watches Ed jostle the

stranger. Victor crosses to find out what the hubbub is going on.

VICTOR
Ed? What’s going on?

Ed lets go of Stranger Two. Stranger Two runs away.

ED
Nothing. Nothing is going on.

Ed picks up his Tim Horton’s cup and begins walking away. Victor
grabs him by the shoulder. Ed spins around and steps back.

ED
Don’t touch me.

VICTOR
Hey what is wrong with you?

ED
(Angry)
Nothing is wrong with me okay!

VICTOR
You’re a really strange fella y’know that?

Ed leans against the glass bus stop, breaks down and starts crying.
Victor tries to console him.

VICTOR
Hey, hey, hey, there’s no need to cry. Look
whatever’s bothering you, I’m sure will blow
over.

Ed gazes away from Victor.

ED
That’s what you think.
 VICTOR
C’mon how bad could it be?

ED
Have you ever travelled before?

VICTOR
Yeah.

ED
Have you ever stayed in one of those
crummy motels?

VICTOR
Yeah.

ED
And what did you think of it?

VICTOR
It was hell.

ED
Well hell is my idea of heaven.

VICTOR
What’re you trying to say?

ED
Don’t you get it?! I’m homeless! H-O-M-E-L-
E-S-FUCKING-S!

VICTOR
There’s no need for profanity?

Ed gets riled up.

ED
What do you want from me? I’m homeless
for god-sakes! You shouldn’t talk to me. You
should step over me and remark about how
goddamn smelly I am!

VICTOR
I don’t understand why you always see the
worst in everybody. Not everybody is bad.
 ED
Name one person who hasn’t done anything
bad in their life?

VICTOR
Jesus H. Christ?

ED
Jesus H. Christ?! Somebody living!

VICTOR
Mother Teresa?

ED
I said somebody living.

VICTOR

The Pope?

ED
You think that rat bastard hasn’t touched
any children. You gotta be shitting yourself.

VICTOR
I assure you I am not shitting myself. If I
were I wouldn’t be standing here.

ED
See you can’t do it can you? You can’t name
one person who hasn’t done anything bad.

VICTOR
You know why they say “I’m only human”?
It’s because people make mistakes. That is
a part of our nature. You can’t expect
anybody to be perfect.

ED
That’s the point I’m trying to make.

VICTOR
However people do have the ability to
reconcile. They also have the ability to
forgive and forget; and that more than
makes up for all their flaws.

ED
And how do YOU make up for all your flaws,
hmm? Tell me that.

VICTOR
I...

ED
That’s what I thought. You’re just like
everybody else.

VICTOR
How am I like everybody else?

ED
You pretend to care but you really don’t. You
pretend to know but you really don’t. You
pretend you have a future but you really
don’t. You just pretend.

VICTOR
You don’t know me very well.

ED
I think I do.

VICTOR
Then maybe you should get to know me
better.

ED
And how do you propose we do that?

VICTOR
Live with me.

ED
What?

VICTOR
Live with me. Live in my house. Be my
roomie.
 ED
I’m sorry, I don’t have money for rent. As
you can see I’m a little strapped for cash.

Show cup with change in it.

VICTOR
I’m not going to charge you anything I just
want your company.

ED
You’re crazy. I bet you’re a serial killer who
likes to prey on the homeless.

VICTOR
The only things I kill are flies.

ED
Victor you’re a good person. I like you. But I
can’t live with you. I can’t accept your
charity.

VICTOR
It’s not charity. It’s...a job.

ED
A job?

VICTOR
That’s right. You’re going to cook and you’re
going to clean and you’ll um...have to take
out the trash.

ED
I dunno.

VICTOR
C’mon it’ll be fun. I’m a fun guy.

Victor busts out into a jig. Ed puts his hand on Victor’s forehead and
stops him from dancing.

ED
Stop.

VICTOR
 So what’ll it be?

ED
No.

8. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, MAIN FOYER - DAY

KEYS JINGLING can be heard. The front door swings open. Victor and
Ed enter the house. Victor removes his key from the keyhole and
puts it in his pocket. Ed spreads his arms out and touches the wall,
he is overwhelmed. Victor closes the door behind.

ED
I haven’t been inside a home in almost ten
years. It’s a strange feeling being indoors.

VICTOR
Well I guess now you’ll be an indoor cat.

ED
I honestly don’t know what to say to that.

VICTOR
So you’ve been away for ten years huh?

ED
Yeah I ran away from home when I was
fourteen.

VICTOR
Why?

ED
Do I have to tell you everything?

VICTOR
Yes. But we should do it somewhere more
comfortable.

Victor goes to the living room with Ed following behind.

9. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

VICTOR
Have a seat.
Ed and Victor sit down on the Sofa. Victor is at the far end toward
the left.

VICTOR
Now what were we talking about?

ED
(Sighs)
Why I ran away from home.

VICTOR
Go on...

Ed gets into a reclining position with his arms behind his head.

ED
It all began in 1980; when a young woman
met a young man. It was a cold winter-y day
when...

VICTOR
Goddamn I didn’t ask for your life story. Just
tell me why you ran away from home.

ED
I was searching for my father.

VICTOR
Like in Star Wars.

ED
(Annoyed)
What are you talking about?

VICTOR
Remember when Luke Skywalker went
looking for his dad. Then he found out he
was really Darth Vader. Then he kinda went
nuts and made out with his sister.

ED
I really think you misinterpreted George
Lucas’ story.

VICTOR
Whatever. Just finish your story.
 ED
That’s it. I was searching for my father and
that’s why I ran away from home.

VICTOR
Did you find him?
ED
I did.

VICTOR
And?

ED
And he didn’t want anything to do with me.

VICTOR
But why didn’t you just return home?

ED
When you’ve been searching for something
all your life, and you finally get it, and it
doesn’t meet your expectations...well you
go a bit mad.

VICTOR
Of course who wouldn’t be angry?

ED
No I mean mad as insane. You go crazy.

VICTOR
Personally I’ve never gone crazy.

ED
Yeah so after living on my own for a while I
sorta became homeless.

VICTOR
That’s a really funny story.
(Smirks)

ED
(Annoyed)
What is so funny about it?
 VICTOR
I dunno; teenage rebellion. I just find it
funny.

ED
(Sits Up)
You have an odd sense of humour.

VICTOR
No I just enjoy irony...Irony that is a word
right?

ED
I believe so.

Awkward silence.

VICTOR
I guess I should show you to your room now.

10. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ED’S BEDROOM – DAY

Victor leads Ed upstairs where he is shown his bedroom.

VICTOR
(Gestures)
Tada!

ED
Is this my room?

VICTOR
I know it’s shit. But it’s your shit!

ED
No, I like it. I like it. It has quaint charm to it.

VICTOR
Well it used to belong to my...

PHONE RINGING.

VICTOR
Hold that thought.
Victor runs downstairs and picks up the phone. Ed sits down on the
floor and waits.

VICTOR (OS)
Hello? Oh it’s you. Yeah. I guess you’re right.
Yeah I’m sorry. I know it was my fault. It was
my fault. I agree I shouldn’t have raised my
voice. But still don’t you think that...ugh,
sure. Okay. I’ll see you then.

Victor returns upstairs. Ed stands up.

ED
Who was that?

VICTOR
Alyssa...my girlfriend.

ED
Oh. How cute.

VICTOR
Yeah she wants to meet with me.

ED
Now?

VICTOR
Sorry I...

ED
No need to explain. I totally understand.

VICTOR
I’ll be back.

Victor leaves. Ed goes into his bedroom and takes out a piece of
paper and pen. He begins writing.

11. EXT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, FRONT ENTRANCE – DAY, EVENING

A strong breeze blows. Victor holds his jacket. He knocks on the

front door at Alyssa’s house. No answer. He rings the doorbell. No
answer. Victor leaves and goes around to the backyard.

12. EXT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, BACKYARD – DAY, EVENING

Victor picks up pebbles from the ground and throws them at the
window toward the left.

VICTOR
Alyssa! Alyssa!

The pane slides open. A pretty girl sticks her head out the window.

ALYSSA’S SISTER
...Wrong fucking window!

Alyssa’s sister shuts the window. Victor moves to the right and
throw pebbles at the adjacent pane.

VICTOR
Alyssa!

A head pops out the window.

VICTOR
Alyssa!

Victor accidentally throws a pebble at Alyssa’s forehead.

ALYSSA
Ow fucker!

VICTOR
Oh sorry!

ALYSSA
What do you want?
(Rubs Forehead)

VICTOR
Remember? You told me to come here...so
we could talk.

ALYSSA
I’ll be down in a minute. And don’t step on
my flowers.

Alyssa shuts the window and leaves. Victor “strafes” toward the
right and accidentally walks on the flowers.
 VICTOR
Oh shit.

13. EXT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, GARAGE – DAY, LATE AFTERNOON

Victor leans his back against the garage door and waits for his
girlfriend. Alyssa appears and joins beside. She looks at the bottom
of his shoe. There is a flower stuck to the heel.

ALYSSA
You stepped on my flowers.

VICTOR
No...

ALYSSA
(Points)
Then what the hell do you call that?

VICTOR
A fashion trend?

Alyssa rolls her eyes.

ALYSSA
(Whispering)
Idiot.

Alyssa takes out a pack of smokes. She takes out a cigarette and
offers one to Victor.

VICTOR
No thanks.

ALYSSA
Come on I know you still smoke.

VICTOR
Well I quit.

ALYSSA
It’s your lungs.

Alyssa puts away the pack of smokes and lights her cigarette. She
takes in a deep drag.
 ALYSSA
So...you going back to school?

VICTOR
Going back? I’ve been outta school for
almost seven years. I’m pushin’ thirty
Alyssa. I think I’m beyond school right now.

ALYSSA
Just go back. Get a career for god-sakes.

VICTOR
Did you invite me over here so we could talk
or so you could nag me?

ALYSSA
You know you need me to push you in the
right direction, right? Without me you’re
fucking lost.

VICTOR
I’m a big boy I can make my own decisions
okay.

ALYSSA
I beg to differ.

VICTOR
(Points)
Don’t patronize me you sex fiend.

ALYSSA
Oh you bitch!

Alyssa playfully grabs Victor by the balls and gently squeezes.

VICTOR
Ah!

ALYSSA
How do you like your grapes squeezed hard
or fast?

Victor grabs Alyssa and starts kissing her. Slobber flies everywhere.
The two fall to the floor in a horny passion.
14. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ED’S BEDROOM – DAY, EARLY MORN
The sun is coming up. Ed is asleep, drooling at his table, surrounded
by dozens of loose-leaf papers and scrunched up balls of writing
scattered around the room. Victor appears and knocks on the door.

Ed is unresponsive. Victor steps inside the room and gently shakes

him.

VICTOR
(Whispering)
Ed! Ed!

Ed jumps out of his seat.

ED
(Half Asleep)
I’m going, I’m going!

Victor pushes him back down.

VICTOR
Where’re you going?

Ed rubs his eyes.

ED
Oh it’s you. As I said earlier I’m not really
used to being indoors.

VICTOR
Hey I got you a gift.

Victor hands Ed an embroidered circle/plate which reads, “HOME

SWEET HOME.”

VICTOR
I hope you like it. I picked up at the
convenience store after I gave my girlfriend
a bath...with my tongue.

ED
Uh thanks.

Ed looks at the embroidered circle and places it down.

VICTOR
 So uh got a good night’s rest huh?

Show puddle of drool.

ED
No actually I was up writing all night.

VICTOR
Really?

Victor picks up a piece of paper and looks at it. Ed grabs it away.

ED
I’m not done yet.

Ed gathers the papers together and puts them into a neat pile.

VICTOR
So you’re a writer huh?

ED
Well not really. I uh...I uh...I, I haven’t been
published yet. It doesn’t count.

VICTOR
Why not?

ED
It just doesn’t. If you don’t get published
you’re not a writer. You’re just somebody
with a hobby.

VICTOR
That’s retarded...well anyway I’m gonna hit
the sack.
(Points)
And you hang in there. I’m sure one of these
days you’ll get published.

Victor salutes and leaves the room. Ed falls asleep on his desk/table.

15. EXT. LOCAL PARK - DAY

Wide shot. Ed and Drug Dealer walk toward each other

simultaneously. The two hug when they meet.
 DRUG DEALER
Christ! Long time no see.

ED
I know. I been off the basuco for a while
now.

DRUG DEALER
Well I can hook yah up if you want.

ED
No, no, no I just came here to talk.

DRUG DEALER
Oh okay...so you still writing that book?

ED
Yes, unfortunately.

DRUG DEALER
Wow...you’re a suck-y writer.

ED
Is that a joke? I don’t get it.

DRUG DEALER
You’ve been writing for years and years. For
fuck-sake you should be done by now!

ED
(Irritated)
I’m not making cookies. I’m writing. It takes
time okay.

DRUG DEALER
What is so goddamn hard about writing? You
get a piece of paper and a fucking pen and
you move your fucking fingers.

ED
Writing is an über-competitive industry! It’s
not that easy to get published. But of course
I don’t expect you to understand you’re just
a fucking pusher.

DRUG DEALER
You think the illegal drug industry isn’t
competitive. You know how many times I
been shot?

ED
No I don’t 50 Cent. Why don’t you enlighten
me?

DRUG DEALER
It was a rhetorical question.

ED
Well mine wasn’t, so answer the goddamn
question. How many times have you been
shot?

DRUG DEALER
Too many times. Too many times.

ED
You never even got shot once did you?

DRUG DEALER
So? I still run the risk of being shot; could
happen anytime y’know.

ED
But it hasn’t.

DRUG DEALER
So what? Does that make me a big fat wet
pussy now?

ED
...Yes.

DRUG DEALER
Shut up. Why the hell did you call me out
here anyway?
ED
Alright look. I don’t have any money but...

DRUG DEALER
Oh! I see how it is! You want a freebie!

ED
 Well I...

DRUG DEALER
Well you’re gonna hafta pay for it. I don’t
give out drugs for free y’know. I ain’t the
nigger version of Santa Claus.

ED
Oh come on! Just a snort! One measly snort!

DRUG DEALER
Tell you what. If you do something for me,
I’ll do something for you.

ED
Like what?

DRUG DEALER
If you get down on your knees and suck my
dick, I will give you an eight ball.

ED
You’re sick.

DRUG DEALER
3.5 grams man, 3.5 grams.

ED
I can’t.

DRUG DEALER
(Gestures a Three)
Three minutes or whenever I brick in your
mouth; whichever is earlier.

ED
(Sighs)
Okay I’ll do it.

DRUG DEALER
You’re serious?

Ed nods, yes.

DRUG DEALER
(Shrugs)
 Well I’m here; you’re here; may as well do it.

The Drug Dealer pulls down his pants. Ed gets down on his knees.

ED
Wait.

DRUG DEALER
What?

ED
How do I know you won’t screw me over?
(Whispering)
No pun intended.

The Drug Dealer sighs and reaches into his pocket. He takes out a
brown bag and places it on the ground.

DRUG DEALER
Satisfied?

Ed looks in the bag and sees some drugs.

ED
Okay.

Ed licks his lips.

ED
Oh and please don’t ejaculate into my eyes.
I need them for writing.

DRUG DEALER
I’m a drug dealer, not a porn star...Now can
we get this thing started?

ED
Okay.

The Drug Dealer puts his hand on the back of Ed’s head.
Ed pulls away.

ED
(Irritated)
 Hey I’m not going anywhere okay. There’s
no need to put your greasy hand on my
head.

DRUG DEALER
I’m Sorry. Please continue.

Ed leans forward. He goes into his pocket and takes out a stick of
lip-balm (ChapStick®). He applies it to his lips.

ED
Hey I hear some guys like teeth.

DRUG DEALER
Don’t even think about it.

ED
Okay. What about fist?

DRUG DEALER
Fist?

ED
Yeah...FIST!

Ed uppercut punches the Drug Dealer in the genitals; he screams

and drops down to the ground in pain. Ed grabs the brown bag and
runs away.
16. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE - DAY

Holding the brown bag by his side Ed dashes onto the driveway and
hastens down the walkway into Victor’s house.

17. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE – DAY

Ed slams the door behind. He breathes heavily, leaning back and

sweating. Victor stares and takes a spoonful of yogurt from his cup.

VICTOR
Hello.

ED
Hey.

VICTOR
What’re you doing?
 ED
Nothing.

VICTOR
What’s in that bag?

ED
Nothing.

VICTOR
(Southern American Accent)
It sure don’t look like nothin’.

ED
I assure you it’s nothing.

Ed anxiously looks out the window.

ED
If somebody comes looking for me, I’m not
here.

Ed runs into the living room. There is a RING at the door. Victor
places his yogurt down and goes to answer it.

DRUG DEALER
You’re not Ed.

VICTOR
Should I be?

DRUG DEALER
Where’s Ed?

VICTOR
Are you the bully that’s been picking on
him? Well mister! I don’t take kindly to
bullies!

DRUG DEALER
So he is here?

The Drug Dealer leans his head in and looks down the hallway.

DRUG DEALER
 Where is he? Ed! You owe me a BJ!

Victor pushes the Drug Dealer back.

VICTOR
I don’t know what you mean by “BJ” but I
assure you we don’t have any.

DRUG DEALER
I know he’s in there. ED! Get your ass out
here!

VICTOR
Now see here Mr. Blackie! If you raise your
voice one more time I’m afraid I will have to
axe you to leave.

DRUG DEALER
You mean ask.

VICTOR
Yes that’s what I said, axe.

DRUG DEALER
No it’s, ask.

VICTOR
Axe.

DRUG DEALER
No, ask.

VICTOR
Axe.

DRUG DEALER
Ask.

Victor
Axe.

DRUG DEALER
Ask!

VICTOR
AXE!
 DRUG DEALER
AAAAAAAAASK!

VICTOR
That’s it! Get outta my house! Get out, get
out, get out, get out!

18. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE – DAY

Victor pushes the Drug Dealer away. The Drug Dealer falls onto the
ground and hurts his knee. Pause. All of a sudden he bursts into
tears, crying like a baby.

Victor is speechless. He creeps backward and slowly walks away.

19. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE – DAY

Victor enters the house and goes into living room. He finds Ed hiding
under a desk.

ED
(Whispering)
Is he gone?

VICTOR
He’s gone alright...gone craaaaazy!

ED
So he’s gone?
VICTOR
Yeah.

ED
(Wipes Forehead)
Whew!

VICTOR
Who was that guy?

ED
Nobody.

VICTOR
Didn’t look like nobody.
 ED
Look again.

VICTOR
I think you’re up tah somethin’.

ED
Me? No. I’m too stupid for that.

VICTOR
Right...Well you know if...

The phone RINGS.

VICTOR
Goddamn it.

Victor goes to the kitchen and to answer the phone.

20. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY

Victor picks up the phone.

VICTOR
(On Phone)
Hello? No I don’t want new windows. Yes.
I’m pretty sure. Yes. I’m positive. I DO NOT
want new windows.

Victor hangs up the phone. The phone RINGS again. Victor picks it
up.
VICTOR
Hello? No. I’m sorry...really I...fuck! It’s not
my fault! Tell those poor niggers to help
themselves goddamn it!

Victor hangs up the phone. The phone RINGS again. Victor picks it
up.

VICTOR
(Irritated)
Look you fucking telemarketers. I don’t give
a shit when you call me on the weekday. But
today is my day off. So if you would kindly
shove a splintered stick up your ass and
 hawk your wares elsewhere that would
really be appreciated.

Victor hangs up the phone. The phone RINGS again. Victor picks it
up. He pulls his ear away from the receiver. The person on the other
line is YELLING.

VICTOR
I’m sorry Alyssa I didn’t know it was you. Oh
don’t gimme that. I made a mistake okay.
Ugh c’mon.

Victor submissively listens to Alyssa’s lecture. He pulls out a chair

and has a seat by the table. He tiredly leans his head on his hand
and heaves a heavy sigh.

VICTOR
(Takes Head Off Hand)
Okay I’ll be there. Jeez!

Victor hangs up the phone.

21. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Ed is lying down on the couch with his hands behind his head. Victor
peers into the living room.

VICTOR
I’ll be back in a couple hours okay. Don’t do
anything stupid.

ED
I’m not a baby.

VICTOR
Yeah right whatever.

Victor leaves the living room and exits the house. Ed reaches under
the sofa and pulls out the brown bag. He looks inside and takes in a
deep whiff.

22. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Ed sits on Victor’s bed with his eyes closed in a Zen-like state,

resting in a lotus position. In front of him is a wooden chopping
board with lines of coke neatly arranged from left to right along with
a jumbo yellow McDonald’s straw to the side.

With his eyes still closed, Ed picks up the straw and brings it under
his nostril. With his left pinky finger cocked in the air, Ed gently
lowers his head (and straw) toward the first line of coke.

The cocaine gets sucked up like a vacuum cleaner. Before you can
count the lines the drug is gone. Ed drops his straw. His eyes roll up
into the back of his head. Ed falls back and twitches like a half
chopped snake.

Victor enters the room. His eyes go wide in shock and surprise.

VICTOR
Holy shit!

Victor runs over to Ed and shakes him.

VICTOR
Ed!

ED
(Drooling)
Ehehehehehe...

VICTOR
No way man, no way!

Victor grabs the phone and dials 911. There is a BUSY SIGNAL.

VICTOR
Shit!

Victors throws the phone aside. Ed stops drooling and giggling. He

passes out with a smile plastered to his face. Victor pulls Ed off the
bed and drags him along the floor, out of the bedroom.

23. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Victor drags Ed over to his car. He opens the backdoor. There is a

ton of junk piled on the seats. He looks in the front, same situation.
Victor looks in the trunk. It’s empty.

24. INT-EXT. VICTOR’S CAR, BY STOP LIGHTS – NIGHT

Victor adjusts the rearview mirror and anxiously waits for the lights
to turn green. A loud BANGING is heard from the back. Victor turns
his head back. Ed is banging on the trunk door.

ED
Agh! Get me outta here! It smells like ass!

25. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Trunk shot. Victor stands over Ed.

VICTOR
You bastard.

Ed sits up.

ED
(Slurred)
I’m sorry.

VICTOR
You son of a bitch, you didn’t run away from
home. You got the fucking boot.

ED
So? It’s not like I’m gay!

VICTOR
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

Ed gets out of the trunk.

ED
You know what your problem is? You’re a
control freak! Always trying to control
everything! Well I tell you what mister...yuck
fou!
(Middle Finger)

VICTOR
You mean “fuck you.”

ED
What! How dare you swear at me!
Ed slaps Victor in the face. Victor rubs his chin in bewilderment;
then promptly returns the “favor.”

ED
(Shocked)
You, you hit me!

VICTOR
No more drugs okay.

ED
You’re not my father! You’re not anyone’s
father!

Victor grabs Ed by the collar.

VICTOR
No drugs.

Ed pushes away.

ED
Screw you. I’m goin’ home.

Ed staggers toward the curb and lies down on the street.

VICTOR
(Cup Hands Around Mouth)
You’re being immature!

ED
I’m sorry I can’t hear you. I’m at home!

Victor throws a pebble at Ed’s head.

ED
Ow!

Ed rubs his head. Victor leaves and goes inside.

26. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, DRIVEWAY – DAY

Ed stands by the curb holding an empty paper cup. He sees Victor’s

girlfriend Alyssa coming down the street. He carefully preens
himself and prepares to ask for change.
 ED
Change?

ALYSSA
I’m not gonna give you change. But I’m not
gonna tell you that you’re smelly and I’m
not gonna tell you to get a job. But what I
will tell you is, is that you’re gonna hafta
move.

ED
What’s that?

ALYSSA
You can’t be here. This is a residential area.
You have to leave.

ED
Oh yeah?

AYLSSSA
Yeah so get your bum-ass outta here before
I call the cops.

Ed folds his arms.

ED
Too bad; won’t do you any good.

ALYSSA
Is that a fact?

Alyssa takes out her cell phone and begins dialing. Ed tries to grab it
away.

ED
Gimme that!

The two get into a tug of war.

ALYSSA
Let go!

ED
No you let go!
As a stalemate appears to be had, Alyssa suddenly stomps on Ed’s
foot. A loud CRUNCH is heard. Ed lets go of the phone and holds his
foot in pain, hopping comically on one leg.

Alyssa puts away her phone. She winds up her arm and punches Ed
in the face, knocking him over. Ed wipes the blood from underneath
his nose and looks at it. He gets to his feet and rolls up his sleeves.

ED
Ahhhhhhhh!!!

Ed charges toward Alyssa. Alyssa flips him over onto his back and
jumps onto his chest. She begins strangling Ed with the vigor of an
intoxicated Scotsman.

ALYSSA
Are you going to leave?!

ED
Fuck you!

Victor appears on the driveway, staring wide eyed at the strange

debacle.

ALYSSA
(Smiles)
Victor!

Alyssa gets off Ed and stands up. She brushes her hair back with her
hand.

ALYSSA
You look very handsome today. I suppose
you’re ready for our date?

VICTOR
Uh...

Ed gets up from the ground and dusts off his body.

ALYSSA
We should get going now. Don’t wanna be
late right?

ED
(Points with Thumb)
 This is your girlfriend?

ALYSSA
Who the hell is this?
(Points)

VICTOR
(Clears Throat, Gestures)
Uh, Alyssa meet Victor, Victor meet Alyssa.

Ed extends his arm for a handshake. Alyssa folds her arms and
pouts.

ALYSSA
I can’t believe it. You’re friends with a stinky
bum.

ED
I’m right here y’know.

VICTOR
Not just any bum Alyssa. A suicidal drug
addicted writing bum.

ALYSSA
Riiiiight...

VICTOR
(Hesitant)
Well I guess we’ll be going then.

Ed has his hands in his pockets, head hanging low, looking pathetic
and sad. Alyssa takes Victor by the arm and the two begin walking
down the street. Victor pauses and looks back.

ALYSSA
Goddamn it will you stop staring?

VICTOR
Aw but look at him. He looks so sad.

Show Ed frowning.

ALYSSA
We are not bringing him with us.
 VICTOR
Aw c’mon!

ALYSSA
I am not spending my evening with a
fucking bum. This is not a movie. It is not
You, Me and Dupree.

VICTOR
(Smiles)
His name isn’t Dupree.

ALYSSA
No Victor, no!

VICTOR
(Begging)
Please!

Alyssa looks at Ed.

ALYSSA
Agh! Fine!

VICTOR
(Claps)
Yay!

ALYSSA
But no sex.

ED
What?!

27. EXT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, BACKYARD – DAY, NIGHT

Ed, Victor, and Alyssa are having dinner in the backyard. The setting
is very romantic; wine glasses, candles, flowers etc.

ED
Would you rather, a) have sex with your
unattractive cousin, b) get your testes licked
by a dog while jerking off to the Captain
Planet theme song, or c) get a vasectomy.

VICTOR
 Mm I’ll have to go with B, jerking off while
getting my balls licked by a dog. It’s the
only logical choice.

ALYSSA
How is that a logical choice?

VICTOR
Okay let’s say I fuck my cousin, who by the
way is unattractive. What if she tells
someone? Do you really think I’ll be able to
live that down?

ALYSSA
I think the logical choice would be C.

VICTOR
I dunno about you Alyssa, but one day I’d
like to have a family.

ALYSSA
Families. Pffft who needs ‘em?

VICTOR
Alyssa Just because you had an abortion
doesn’t make you an authority on families.

Alyssa’s eyes well-up with tears. She gets up from table and runs
away crying.

ED
I hope I’m not stepping over the line here
but your girlfriend has serious issues. I
mean what kind of person runs off in the
middle of a perfectly good conversation?

Victor takes a sip from the wine glass.

VICTOR
(Nonchalantly)
I may be wrong here but I think I’m in real
deep shit.

28. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, WASHROOM – DAY

Toilet flushing. Ed goes over to the sink to wash his hands. He
washes his face; then brushes his teeth. He walks outside and
bumps into Ed.

29. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – DAY

Ed is in a bathrobe trying to solve a Rubik’s cube.

ED
Where you going?

VICTOR
(Tired)
Work.

ED
Oh...
(Twisting Cube)
So, is um Alyssa still mad at you?

VICTOR
If she’s still a woman.

ED
...I’m really sorry about last night Victor. I
ruined your romantic evening.

VICTOR
Naw it wasn’t your fault. I brought up the
abortion.

ED
But I was the one who proposed a ménage à
trois.

VICTOR
A what?

ED
In French it means, mm...a threesome.

VICTOR
You asked Alyssa if she wanted to join you in
a threesome?

ED
 You went to take a piss and I took the
opportunity. Is that really such a big deal?

VICTOR
No but it’s gross. You and her and some
other strange girl. Ick. Ick Ed, ick!

ED
It’s not as icky as it sounds, you were gonna
be in it.

VICTOR
There’s no way in hell I’m sharing my
girlfriend with that.

Victor points to the protruding area between Ed’s legs (i.e. his
boner).

ED
I’m hearing a lot of “no’s” but what I’m not
hearing is what a great bonding experience
it would be.

VICTOR
No Ed you are not fucking my girlfriend.

ED
Aw shucks!
(Twisting Cube)

VICTOR
Gimme that damn Rubik’s cube.

Victor grabs the Rubik’s cube and solves it. He tosses it back to Ed.
Ed examines the Rubik’s cube. Victor walks past him and goes down
the stairs.

VICTOR
And don’t do any drugs while I’m gone!

Ed continues to look at the Rubik’s cube in astonishment.

30. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ED’S BEDROOM – DAY

Ed is at his desk writing. He suddenly turns around and looks out

the door. He turns back around and continues to write. We hear a
seductive VOICE beckoning him, “Eeed.” Ed pauses from writing; he
gets up and goes to shut the door.

As he is about to shut the door he sees a female hand by the stairs.

It waves a gentle come-hither.

31. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, MAIN STAIRWAY – DAY

Ed runs down the stairs. He looks left and right.

ED
Hello?

The same voice from before is heard again, “Eeed.” It seems it is

coming from the basement. Ed opens the basement door. He looks
downstairs and sees the same hand beckoning. It disappears.

32. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, BASEMENT – DAY

Ed goes downstairs into the basement. He turns on the lights and

looks around carefully.

ED
I know you’re in here!

Ed starts going stir-crazy looking for the mysterious lady. He mover

and flips over anything in his way, both small and large.

ED
Where are you?!

Ed is sweating profusely, exhausted and gasping for breath. He

rests his hands on his knees. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a
white powder filled bag in the corner. Ed walks toward it and picks it
up. He opens it and takes a whiff.

ED
Ahhhhh...

33. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, MAIN FLOOR - DAY, AFTERNOON

Victor enters his house. He is carrying with him a plastic bag, which
appears to be filled with food.

VICTOR
Ed!
Victor looks around the main floor.

VICTOR
I bought Chinese food! You like the Chinese
right, communism and what not?

Victor continues searching for Ed; he walks upstairs and looks in

each room, from left to right.

34. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ED’S ROOM – DAY, AFTERNOON

Victor goes into Ed’s room. He looks out the window and sees him
lying on the room unconscious. Victor places down the bag of food
and opens the window.

VICTOR
Ed!

35. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ROOF – DAY, AFTERNOON

A ladder is placed against the roof. The BANG awakes Ed. He gurgles
and looks to the side. Victor climbs up the ladder.

VICTOR
What the hell are you doing on the roof?

ED
Ugh?

VICTOR
I told you NO drugs.

ED
(Slurred Speech)
I not taking drugs. I’m partying. Can’t I
party?

VICTOR
On the roof, alone?

ED
Is more fun than it looks like.

VICTOR
 Good God you’re like a child...addicted to
drugs!

ED
You’re a shmoopy head.

VICTOR
A what?

ED
You heard me.

VICTOR
Hmmm...

Victor takes a pebble and whips it at Ed’s head.

ED
Ow!
(Rubs Forehead)

Victor leaves. Ed shouts over the edge of the roof.

ED
(Angry)
One day you’re gonna run outta pebbles
y’know that!

Victor dismisses Ed with the wave of his hand and goes back into
the house.

36. INT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, ALYSSA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Alyssa is sitting on her bed reading a romance novel in a striped

polo shirt and a pair of short shorts. There is a loud KNOCK at the
front entrance door of the house. Alyssa places down her book and
gets up from bed. She puts on a pair of bunny slippers and leaves
her room.

37. EXT. ALYSSA’S HOUSE, FRONT ENTRANCE – NIGHT

Drug Dealer knocks on the door. As he is about to knock again the

door suddenly swings opens. Alyssa grimaces and folds her arms.

ALYSSA
Do you know what time it is?
 DRUG DEALER
4:20 AM.

ALYSSA
Right. Pretty damn fucking late don’t you
think?

DRUG DEALER
Yes I agree. It is pretty damn fucking late,
but...

ALYSSA
You goddamn Mormons are really
determined to get your religion off the
ground aren’t you? Well I told you last time,
I’m not joining your kooky fucking religion
okay. Read the damn sign.

Alyssa points to a sign/poster which reads, “NO CRAZY RELIGIOUS

FUCKS.” The Drug Dealer glances at the sign behind.

DRUG DEALER
I’m not a Mormon.

ALYSSA
Well the sign also applies to Hare-Krishna,
Buddhists and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

DRUG DEALER
I am not trying to sell you on my religion.

ALYSSA
Then who the hell are you and why are you
here? Do I hafta call the cops?

DRUG DEALER
No please. I was sent here by Ed. He told me
you had something for me.

ALYSSA
(Irritated)
Did he now?

DRUG DEALER
Yes. May I have it please?
 ALYSSA
Sure just let me go into my pocket and pull
it out.

Alyssa reaches into her pocket and pulls out a middle finger. She
slams the door in the Drug Dealer’s face.

DRUG DEALER
How rude! Well I’ll show her!

The Drug Dealer rings the doorbell and runs away.

38. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Ed is in the kitchen masturbating to a sexy magazine ad, when the

doorbell RINGS. Startled he drops the magazine. He hastily grabs a
glass cup and finishes up inside. The semen drips down the side. Ed
places the cup on the table, zips up his pants and goes to answer
the door.

39. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT

The front door opens. Ed blinks at the sight of his Drug Dealer.

DRUG DEALER
Liar, liar, pants on fire.

ED
(Nervous)
I...

DRUG DEALER
Where my money Ed, where my money?

ED
I...

DRUG DEALER
(Grabs Ed by Collar)
WHERE MY MONEY!

The Drug Dealer barges in. Ed tries to calm him down.

ED
Please could we discuss this later?
 DRUG DEALER
No we settle this now.

The Drug Dealer pushes forward and goes into the kitchen. Ed
follows him.

DRUG DEALER
This is a very nice house you have. Too bad
it won’t stay that way after I’m done with it!

The Drug Dealer pulls open the cabinet drawers and pilfers the
silverware.

ED
(Hands on Head)
Oh no not the silverware!

Drug Dealer goes into the fridge and takes the butter.

ED
(Hands on Head)
Oh no not the butter!

Drug Dealer takes pens on top of microwave.

ED
(Hands on Head)
Oh no not the pens!

Drug Dealer goes to the table and unplugs the toaster. As he is

about to lift it away, Ed puts his hand down.

ED
(Shakes Head, No)
Not the toaster.

DRUG DEALER
I’m takin’ the toaster.

ED
No you’re not. And you’re puttin’ the butter
and the silverware and the pens back.

The Drug Dealer lifts his head up and suddenly slaps Ed in the face.
In anger Ed grabs the semen filled cup on the table and splashes it
in the Drug Dealer’s face. The Drug Dealer touches his cheek and
looks at the goo on his finger tips. He sniffs the semen and tastes it.
DRUG DEALER
Salty.

Ed nervously clears his throat.

ED
You do know what that is right?

DRUG DEALER
(Calm)
Yes and I am pretty darn pissed.

The Drug Dealer reaches into his jacket and pulls out a gun.

DRUG DEALER
GET ON THE FLOOR!

Ed drops to the floor. The Drug Dealer gets down and presses the
barrel of the gun between Ed’s eyes.

DRUG DEALER
Remember kids there’s no justice, just us.

ED
That is the stupidest catchphrase I have
ever heard in my life.

DRUG DEALER
(Fast Paced, Manic)
Shut the fuck up mother fucker! I’m gonna
kill you! And it’s gonna be quick and it’s
gonna be painful...whaddya think about
that?

VICTOR (OS)
I think that’s a very bad idea.

The Drug Dealer cautiously turns his head to the left. Victor is
holding a pair of guns.

DRUG DEALER
What is this the wild-wild west?

VICTOR
 Get your hands off him you damn dirty drug
dealer.

DRUG DEALER
We prefer the term underground
pharmacist.

VICTOR
I don’t give a fuck. Get off my friend.

The Drug Dealer slowly gets up.

VICTOR
Put the gun down.

The Drug Dealers puts his gun on the table.

DRUG DEALER
Can’t we discuss this like human beings?

VICTOR
You’re not a human being. You’re a drug
dealer. And you got cum on your face. Really
what’s that all about?

DRUG DEALER
It’s a long story.

ED
Kill ‘im. Kill ‘im Victor!

VICTOR
Ed! Shut up. Drug dealer, turn around.

DRUG DEALER
I have a name y’know.

VICTOR
Tell somebody who gives a damn. Now turn
around.

The Drug Dealer turns around to face Victor.

VICTOR
Open your mouth.
The Drug Dealer is hesitant.

VICTOR
OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

The Drug Dealer opens his mouth.

VICTOR
Have you ever seen a movie called
American History X?

The Drug Dealer shakes his head, no.

VICTOR
Well it’s a shame you won’t get the
reference...Now, put your teeth on the table.

The Drug Dealer is hesitant.

VICTOR
Put your teeth on the table!

The Drug Dealer puts his teeth on the table. He looks at the gun
lying beside his head with temptation.

VICTOR
Go ahead try tah grab the gun. See what
happens.

ED
I don’t like where this is going.

VICTOR
Be quiet.
(To Drug Dealer)
Drug Dealer...

DRUG DEALER
(Subtitles)
Troy! My fuckin’ name is Troy!

VICTOR
(Sighs)
Troy. Do you know how many lives you’ve
destroyed with drugs?
 DRUG DEALER
No not really.

VICTOR
Well I’m sure it was a lot.

DRUG DEALER
What are you going to do with me?

VICTOR
You’ll see.

Victor raises his right hand in the air. The Drug Dealer sweats with
anxiety.

ED
Don’t do it Victor!

Quick cut; Drug Dealer receives a super wedgie.

DRUG DEALER
Aghhh!

Victor grabs the Drug Dealer by the back of the collar and pulls him
up.

VICTOR
I never want you to show your face around
here again. Got it?

The Drug Dealers nods his head, yes.

VICTOR
Good. Now get outta here.

The Drug Dealer runs out the house. Ed cranes his head to the side
and looks.

ED
Is he gone?

Victor nods. Ed gets up from the floor and dusts himself off.

ED
(Glances Back)
What an asshole huh?
Victor gives Ed an angry blank stare. He shoots the cap gun in his
right hand; then quietly leaves the kitchen.

ED
...That was a cap gun?!

40. EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT (DREAM)

Victor sees Ed standing under a lamppost smoking a cigar.

VICTOR
Ed? Is that you?

Victor walks forward. Ed seems indifferent as he smokes, oblivious

to Victor’s presence.

VICTOR
Are you okay?

Victor joins Ed under the lamppost.

VICTOR
It’s not a good idea to be out here so
late...all alone.

Ed takes a puff of his cigar.

ED
(Distant)
Life is a confusing thing. When you’re young
everyone tells you how much potential you
have...how much you can change the world,
how you can find the cure to cancer; how
anything is possible. Then when you bloom
into an adult, when you become big enough
to get your own cookies, they pound you
down into the ground like a peg. Why?
What’s the point?

Victor looks back. There is a shadowy figure lurking off in the

distance.

VICTOR
(Nervous)
Ed I think we should get out of here.
 ED
Does anyone really care though? NO! They
just tell you that because it sounds like the
right thing to say. The truth is you’re gonna
grow up to be a failure. They only tell you
you’ll succeed because they want you to
enjoy your childhood; which in itself is not
necessarily a bad thing.

VICTOR
Ed!

The Shadowy Figure marches forward.

ED
But the truth is at the end of the day they
don’t really care. If they did they wouldn’t
fill you with unfounded optimism, they
would guide you with insightful yet tactful
precaution.

VICTOR
Ed, come on! Let’s go!

Victor tugs at Ed’s arm. Ed smiles and waves as the Shadowy Figure
lurches forward. While trying to coax Ed away, Victor rolls backward
and falls onto the ground. The face of the Shadowy Figure is
revealed. The Shadowy Figure is Victor.

VICTOR
Holy shit.

Victor becomes manic. He tugs at Ed’s arm with all his might. His
efforts however are futile; Ed is set like a statue.

VICTOR
COME ON LET’S GO DAMN IT!

The Shadowy Figure pulls out a knife. He runs toward Ed and

plunges it into his chest. Blood sprays out like a broken juice pack.
Ed smiles and passes away. Victor falls to his knees and screams
with his hands on his face.

VICTOR
Noooooooooooooooooooo!
The Shadowy Figure pulls the knife out of Ed’s chest and sinisterly
licks off the blood.

SHADOWY FIGURE
Tasty.

The Shadowy Figure turns toward Victor and raises his knife. As the
blade is about to plunge the dream ends.

41. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Victor violently awakes from his dream. He sits up and breathes in

heavily. His eyes dart left and right. There are droplets of cold sweat
on his forehead. Victor gets up from bed and leaves his room.

42. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT

Victor walks through the hallway and to check on Ed.

43. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, ED’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Victor opens the bedroom door and peers inside. Ed is sound asleep.
Relieved, Victor closes the door.

44. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Ed and Victor are sitting outside the convenience store drinking

slushies.

VICTOR
You know what would be neat? Owning a
convenience store.

ED
Oh like that movie, Clerks.

VICTOR
Don’t even compare my ambitions to that
crappy ass movie.

ED
(Defensive)
It wasn’t a crappy movie.

VICTOR
No I said crappy ASS movie.

ED
It wasn’t a crappy ass movie.

VICTOR
Yes it was.

ED
No it wasn’t!

VICTOR
Ed the movie had no plot. It was a series of
jokes put together in movie format.

ED
Yes but...

VICTOR
AND it was in black and white. What kind of
idiot in this day and age makes a movie in
black and white?

ED
Well you see...

VICTOR
I mean come on! Movies are meant to be in
color. God made us see in color for a good
fucking reason...to see movies in color.

ED
Well I think...

VICTOR
Shut up! There are no good black and white
movies and you know it.
ED
Schindler’s fucking List!

VICTOR
That wasn’t in black and white.

ED
Yes it was.
 VICTOR
The lil’ girl in the red dress.

ED
Oh one color!

VICTOR
Black and white means black and white, not
black white and red.

ED
Alright it wasn’t in black and white.
(Sarcasm)
It was a fucking rainbow of colors.

VICTOR
Now you’re just being silly.

ED
...Um so what were we talking about?

VICTOR
Clerks. What an awesome movie.

ED
(Raises Finger)
But uh...Never mind.

VICTOR
Yeah so I’ve always wanted to open up my
own convenience store. That would be
totally sweet.

ED
But uh why specifically a convenience store?

VICTOR
What better way to serve the world than
making things convenient?

ED
Huh?

VICTOR
 The world is pressed for time my friend. It is
the only thing you cannot buy, borrow, or
sell. Time is an extremely scarce resource.

ED
As you say Socrates.

VICTOR
Wha’?

ED
(British Accent)
So it’s your dream to own a business is it?

VICTOR
(British Accent)
Yes, indeed, indeed. Owning a business
would be quite right; bein’ my own boss and
what not.

British accents continue.

ED
I say it is an indubitable idea.

VICTOR
Yes but I lack the knowledge to open up my
own shop.

ED
Then why not go to college?

VICTOR
College? College is for young people.

ED
You’re young.

VICTOR
Well excuse me for not feeling young.

ED
No I understand.

VICTOR
Really?
 ED
Yes I’ve at many a time felt quite vapid.

VICTOR
Bein’ an adult is not any fuckin’ fun. This
whole independence thing is totally
overrated.

ED
Yeah.

VICTOR
So what about you? What are you dreams?

ED
I think you know already.

VICTOR
Oh yeah you want to be a writer.

ED
Just not just any writer, a published writer.

VICTOR
That seems like quite an endeavour. I mean
by comparison a business is quite mundane.
Everythin’ has been done already. You just
have to force yourself into the market. But
writing that is a fucking challenge.

ED
Well dreams are what they are...dreams.
That’s all they are, thoughts, imagination,
fantasy. Nothing more than that.

VICTOR
I think the world needs dreams. We all need
a little bit of hope to carry on. Isn’t that why
we believe in God, the invisible man in the
clouds?

No more British accent.

ED
Yeah it’s crazy the things people will believe.
Ed and Victor sigh.

45. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM - DAY

Victor is lying in bed, talking on the phone.

VICTOR
(On Phone)
Yeah. I know. But what’re you gonna do
huh? It’s a decision you’re gonna hafta live
with.
(Listening)

Victor sits up.

VICTOR
(On Phone)
What does this hafta do with me hmm?
What I do here has nothing to do with
anything. He’s harmless Alyssa, he’s
harmless.

Victor grabs a pillow and puts it to the side like an armrest.

VICTOR
(On Phone)
Okay so I been havin’ a couple nightmares.
It doesn’t mean anything. Really I mean. It’s
fine.

Victor stands up and paces back and forth, listening to his girlfriend.

46. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – DAY

Ed comes up the stairs. He saunters toward Victor’s room, when he

hears a quarrelling. He presses his ear against the door and listens.

47. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM - DAY

Victor pacing around, still on phone.

VICTOR
You want the truth Alyssa? You want the cold
hard facts? I DON’T LIKE HIM! Okay? I don’t
like his drug addiction, I don’t like how he
 talks; I don’t even like how he smells. But
you know what I promised I would take care
of him...and I will.

48. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – DAY

Ed looks hurt as he listens to Victor speak on the phone.

49. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, VICTOR’S BEDROOM – DAY

Victor is still on the phone, frustrated, leaning one arm against the
wall.

VICTOR
I can’t kick him out Alyssa! He’s like a leech
alright. He just sticks to you.

Victor sits down.

VICTOR
Just because you find somebody annoying,
just because you don’t like a lot of things
about them doesn’t mean you have to
abandon them.

Victor continues listening.

VICTOR
I know the rent is due but it’s not going to
make any difference if I kick him out.

Victor continues listening, he looks angry.

VICTOR
Are you serious? You want me to choose
between the two of you?

Victor’s head droops down in tedium.

VICTOR
Fine! I’ll kick him out next month. Are you
happy? You know you’re putting a man out
on the street goddamn it.

Victor is losing his patience.

 VICTOR
We’ll talk about this later okay? I just don’t
have the patience right now. Fine whatever,
bye.

Victor hangs up the phone. He storms out the room.

50. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – DAY

As Victor leaves his room his foot bumps into a rectangular shaped
package, wrapped in newspaper. He bends down to pick it up.

Victor looks at the back, there is a note attached:

“I didn’t know what to get you for your birthday and I didn’t have a
lot of money...so I went to the pawnshop and traded in a bag of you
know what. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to get you something
I’d think you’d really enjoy, so happy birthday man, and best of
wishes.”

Love,
Ed.”

Victor takes the note off the back and opens the package. The
birthday present is a book on how to start a business. Victor is
touched. He holds the book tightly and calls out for his friend.

VICTOR
Ed!

51. INT. VICTOR’S HOUSE – DAY

Victor runs around looking for Ed, calling out his name. But he is
nowhere to be found.

52. EXT. VICTOR’S HOUSE, FRONT ENTRANCE – DAY

Victor runs out the house. He looks around.

VICTOR
Ed!

Victor looks at his present. A heavy frown comes upon his face. The
wind blows gently and the tress way back and forth. Looking out
into the street and coming upon his sad realization, Victor goes back
into the house.
53. EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

196 Days Later...

Ed is handing out flyers for a sex toy and porn shop, when Victor
comes by.

VICTOR
Ed?

ED
(Fake Smile)
Oh hello!

VICTOR
(Precautious)
How are you? Things going good?

ED
Yeah, great, just great; I got a job and
everything.

VICTOR
That’s wonderful. I’m glad you got a job.

ED
Would you like a flyer?

VICTOR
No. That’s alright. Uh, so where’re you
staying right now?

ED
I...I live in a basement.

VICTOR
Sounds cozy.

ED
(Embarrassed)
It’s actually a lot better than it sounds. It’s
really good in the summer time; you know
when it’s hot.

VICTOR
 I guess you won’t hafta worry about global
warming then huh?

Ed and Victor share a strained chuckle (titter).

ED
(Clears Throat)
Well I should get back to work now.

VICTOR
Oh. Yeah, right. I forgot you’re working.

ED
I’ll talk to you later I guess.

VICTOR
Sure. Maybe I’ll bring a hot thermos of
coffee? It’s awfully cold.

ED
That would be nice.

VICTOR
Okay I’ll see you later then.

Ed gives a weak smile. Victor continues down the sidewalk and

disappears.

54. INT. ED’S BASEMENT APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sitting under a fluorescent light on a ragged chair, Ed carefully

contemplates suicide. He draws his pocket knife and practices
slitting his wrists, slowly running the blade across his arm without
drawing any blood.

Ed puts down his knife. He grabs his hair and sighs deeply. Tears
stream slowly down his cheeks. They run down his neck and wet his
shirt. Ed gets up from his seat and turns off the lights. He goes to
bed on his futon sofa.

55. EXT. SIDEWALK TO CEMETERY – DAY

Victor is in a heavy black winter jacket pimping down the sidewalk

with head low and hands in pocket, reminiscing about his old friend
Ed.
 ED (VO)
Sometimes you’re right and sometimes
you’re wrong. Sometimes you’re both. I
knew Ed was gonna get into trouble, but in
all honestly I didn’t think it would end this
way. I always thought he would die of a drug
overdose or at least commit suicide. But
alas I was wrong. Ed fought to stay alive. He
wanted to go on but the world was too cruel.
Ed died in the cold. He froze to death
begging for change. When I found him he
was stiff like a board. At the time I was
angry and sad, but now I am relieved; for it
is in his death where he will find peace and
be remembered.

Victor arrives at the cemetery. He stands in front of a (Ed’s)

tombstone and gazes wistfully. He gets on bended knee and takes
out a rose, placing it on the ground in front.

VICTOR
We didn’t know each other that long Ed, but
the time we spent together had a profound
effect. I learnt that life isn’t about money or
success. It’s not about a single destination.
It’s about the journey and the people you
meet on that journey. Life is not what we
hope it to be or imagine it to be, but it’s
there to develop our character and
strengthen us. To love, to laugh; to
cry...that’s what it’s really about.
(Weeping)
I’m sorry I didn’t care for you. I’m sorry I
broke my promise. But you know some good
did come out of this. I finished college. I got
a new job. I got married to Alyssa...and I got
you this.

Victor takes out a book and lays it on top of the tombstone. The
author is Ed ___________.

THE END