HAYDEN’S APARTMENT - DAY We pan across Hayden’s messy apartment and stop at the sofa where Hayden is sleeping and SNORING very loudly. Suddenly GUNSHOUTS are heard from outside his apartment. Hayden wakes up and runs to the open window, sticking out his head. EXT. HAYDEN’S APARTMENT – DAY Out in the decrepit streets of New York two thugs are battling it out. They shoot at each other without regard to anyone else. INT. HAYDEN’S APARTMENT – DAY HAYDEN (Angry) Would yah mind keepin’ it down huh! The thugs direct their guns at Hayden and fire. He ducks down for cover. Bullets shatter the glass window and shards fall on his head. The sound of the gun firing ceases. Hayden shakes the glass of his head and slowly rises and peaks out the window. EXT. HAYDEN’S APARTMENT- DAY One of the thugs is lying facedown on the street, while the other one searches for his wallet. He looks up at Hayden. INT. HAYDEN’S APARMENT – DAY Hayden takes himself away from the window. He looks at his watch. HAYDEN Damn I overslept. There is a KNOCK at the door. Hayden dashes to the door and looks through the peephole. PEEPHOLE

2 We see a fat bald man wearing a tank top with a smoking cigar in his mouth. He KNOCKS on the door. INT. HAYDEN’S APARTMENT – DAY LANDLORD (From Outside) Your rent is due Church! Open up! HAYDEN (Muttering) Oh crap. Hayden takes his eye off the peephole and steps away from the door. He grabs his briefcase and climbs out the window, making his way down the fire escape. CUT TO: EXT. RANDOM HOUSE – DAY Hayden is standing outside a random person’s house. He preps himself and adjusts his tie and shirt. He picks up his briefcase and RINGS the half-broken doorbell. We hear FOOTSTEPS as somebody makes their way to the door. Hayden puts on a smile. The door opens a crack. An eye looks out the door. RANDOM PERSON (Deep Voice) Can I help you? HAYDEN Hi I’m Hayden Church. And I’m just going door to door because I… RANDOM PERSON You a salesman? HAYDEN Yeah. Actually…yes I am. RANDOM PERSON Well cut to the crap son whatchu sellin’?

3 Hayden bends down and opens his briefcase away from the Random Person. He takes out one of his products, a knife, and shows it to the customer (Random Person). The barrel of a shotgun suddenly pops out from the crack of the door. The Random Person pumps his and makes that well recognized “CHI-CHI” noise. RANDOM PERSON Put the knife down. HAYDEN I think this is a big mistake. This is actually the product I’m… RANDOM PERSON I said put the weapon down! HAYDEN Okay, okay you’re the boss. I’m putting the knife down, see. Hayden slowly lowers the knife into the briefcase. RANDOM PERSON Now get off my property. Hayden reaches for his briefcase. RANDOM PERSON You are not taking the briefcase. HAYDEN Whatever you want just don’t shoot me okay. Hayden backs away and runs away from the house. The door swings opens. An average looking man comes out and picks up the briefcase. He steps backs inside and shouts upstairs. RANDOM PERSON Oh Charmaine! Guess what I got for your birthday! CUT TO: EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY, SIDEWALK – DAY Hayden is angrily walks down the streets of NY, kicking an empty can of pop around the sidewalk. He accidentally kicks

4 it into a bum on the street. Hayden runs over to the bum to apologize. HAYDEN Oh jeez I’m really sorry mister. I was just… BUM It’s alright. I’ve had a lot worse than cans being kicked into the side of my head. HAYDEN Still. I feel pretty bad. Here let me make it up to you. Hayden looks for his wallet but cannot find it. HAYDEN Damn it! I hate this city! BUM Pickpocket? HAYDEN Yeah. BUM I used to be a pickpocket. Hayden glares at the bum. BUM But I’m not now. I would rather live on the streets then go to hell. HAYDEN (Snickers) You actually believe in that? BUM Of course where do you think all the bad people go? HAYDEN In the ground? BUM You an atheist? HAYDEN Agnostic.


BUM Still you don’t believe? HAYDEN No. Not anymore. BUM Just because you’ve had a crummy life? You stopped believing? HAYDEN I’ll believe it when I see it. BUM You cannot see the wind but you believe in it don’t you? HAYDEN But I can feel it. BUM What else can you feel? HAYDEN I feel the need to leave. BUM Whatever suits you! It’s your choice. HAYDEN Yeah. Hayden turns around and leaves. CUT TO: EXT. CATHEDRAL – DAY Hayden is standing outside the cathedral. He looks up at the pigeons sitting on the roof and stares at the stained glass windows. An old lady comes by and sees Hayden staring up. OLD LADY The church is open y’know. HAYDEN

6 I know. I’m just having a bit of anxiety. I haven’t been inside the church for over a decade. OLD LADY The Chinese have a saying. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now. HAYDEN Yeah I guess you’re right. The Old Lady walks toward the Cathedral. Hayden follows behind. INT. CATHEDRAL – DAY Hayden steps into the Cathedral where he takes a seat in the pews at the back. He picks up a Bible and looks through it. As he is doing that a darkly dressed man, a shadowy figure, takes a seat beside him (we can’t see his face, there is a shadow covering his face from his hat). SHADOWY FIGURE You know that Bible has some good stuff in it. HAYDEN (Glances) It’s not bad. SHADOWY FIGURE I especially enjoy the stuff about the devil. HAYDEN Is that so? SHADOWY FIGURE Yes it’s quite enjoyable. HAYDEN Well you know what I think… Hayden turns his head to address the Shadowy Figure, but he has disappeared. CUT TO: INT. CATHEDRAL, CONFESSIONAL – DAY Hayden is in the confessional.


HAYDEN This is kinda awkward for me. I don’t really remember what to say. I haven’t been to confession in over ten years and… do I still have to say “Bless me father for I have sinned,” and all that jazz? PRIEST It’s optional. HAYDEN Oh. Um where should I begin? PRIEST Take your time. HAYDEN Well a couple years back I killed a cat. I didn’t do it on purpose now! It was an accident. I accidentally ran it over with my car. But I don’t have a car anymore! I ride a moped. PRIEST A moped? HAYDEN It’s like a scooter. PRIEST Oh! HAYDEN And let’s see what else did I do? Oh I accidentally kicked a pop can in some homeless man’s face. PRIEST My son you do not have to ask forgiveness for accidents, because they are accidents. Now is there anything you have done on purpose? HAYDEN Honestly? I haven’t really done anything purposely to hurt anybody. And if those aren’t sins…I guess I don’t have any sins really. PRIEST Everybody has sins.

8 HAYDEN Even you? PRIEST No not me. HAYDEN Alright I guess we’re finished then? PRIEST Yes but there’s still the matter of the donation. HAYDEN I’m sorry I don’t have any money…On my anyways. PRIEST (Angrily) You don’t have any money to give to the church yet you use our services? HAYDEN I think I’m in the wrong Cathedral. Hayden steps out of the confessional and quickly leaves. When he is gone the “priest” steps out of the booth, it is the shadowy figure. EXT. CATHEDRAL – DAY Hayden hastily walks away, he mumbles to himself angrily. HAYDEN What a waste of time. I don’t know why I went back anyways. Obliging people with no money to give donations, how low can you go? I thought the church was supposed to be a friggin’ sanctuary. What a lie! Hayden gets the edge of the curb and waits for the right time to cross. As he is waiting an arm falls on his shoulder. SHADOWY FIGURE Hey there buddy! Why did you leave the church in such a hurry? It’s a great place to hang out. HAYDEN (Looks at Shadowy Figure)

9 I don’t mean to be rude. But could you please take your hand off my shoulder? SHADOWY FIGURE (Takes off Arm) Sorry ‘bout that I was just uh tryin’ to be friendly. HAYDEN A little too friendly if you ask me. SHADOWY FIGURE Funny! You’re a funny guy. How would you like to have a cup of coffee with me? My treat. HAYDEN I don’t even know who you are. SHADOWY FIGURE You’ll get to. Come on let’s cross the street. HAYDEN I think we should wait a little. SHADOWY FIGURE It’ll be fine. Come on. Trust me. Hayden follows the Shadowy Figure across the road. All the cars mysteriously stop for them. They get to the other side. SHADOWY FIGURE See I told you it’d be fine. CUT TO: INT. DONUT SHOP – DAY Hayden and the Shadowy Figure are each having a cup of coffee over a round table. SHADOWY FIGURE (Sips Coffee) Good coffee. HAYDEN What did you say your name was again? SHADOWY FIGURE

10 I go many names. HAYDEN Um well what do they usually call you? SHADOWY FIGURE Who? HAYDEN Your friends. SHADOWY FIGURE I don’t have many friends to tell you the truth. HAYDEN Why not? SHADOWY FIGURE People are a little intimidated by me. HAYDEN You don’t seem that intimidating to me. SHADOWY FIGURE You’re not like the others. HAYDEN …so what’s your name again? SHADOWY FIGURE If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. HAYDEN Fine don’t tell me. I don’t care. SHADOWY FIGURE Don’t try reverse psychology on me. I invented reverse psychology. HAYDEN Yeah and I’m Jesus Christ. SHADOWY FIGURE (Smirks) Of course you are.

11 A disheveled looking man wearing a toque enters the donut shop. He walks up to the counter. TOQUE MAN I’ll have a cup of coffee. A honey glazed donut and… (Pulls out a Gun) All the money in the cash register. The patrons in the donut shop get under the table, except for the Shadowy Figure. CLERK Uh… TOQUE MAN What’re you waiting for? CLERK Uh... TOQUE MAN Hurry up! CLERK Uh… The Toque Man grabs the clerk by the head and presses the barrel of his gun against his temple. TOQUE MAN Go ahead say “Uh” one more time. I dare yah! Go ahead! See what happens! SHADOWY FIGURE This guy watches too many Quentin Tarantino movies. Excuse me for a minute. The Shadowy Figure gets up and stands behind the Toque Man. He taps him on the shoulder. Toque Man let’s go of the clerk and turns around (the Clerk gets down on the ground). TOQUE MAN (Points Gun) You got a problem? SHADOWY FIGURE

12 Yeah. I’m trying to enjoy a cup of coffee with my friend over there. (Points to Hayden under Table) And you’re really irritating me. TOQUE MAN Shut up and gimmie your wallet and maybe I won’t kill you. SHADOWY FIGURE I have a better idea. Why don’t you home? And we’ll forget this whole thing ever happened. The Toque Man squeezes the trigger. He squeezes it again. TOQUE MAN What the hell? (Squeezes Trigger Again) SHADOWY FIGURE Always have a backup plan. TOQUE MAN Shut up! The Toque Man lashes out and tries to his the Shadowy Figure, but the Shadowy Figure grabs his fist. He squeezes it tightly, crushing and slowly twisting it. The Toque Man drops his gun. TOQUE MAN You’re breaking my hand! SHADOWY FIGURE Am I? TOQUE MAN Yes! Yes! (Tearing) Please let go! SHADOWY FIGURE Okay I’ll let go. But I’m gonna ask hafta ask you to leave. TOQURE MAN Whatever you want man! Just let go! SHADOWY FIGURE

13 Okay. (Lets Go) The Toque Man gets up from the floor and runs out the shop. Everyone rises off the floor when he leaves. The shadowy figure takes his seat back with Hayden. SHADOWY FIGURE What were we talking about? CUT TO: INT. HAYDEN’S APARTMENT – DAY Hayden is at his desk writing a letter, when there’s a KNOCK at the door. He gets up to go see who it is. PEEPHOLE Hayden’s land lord is at the door puffing once again on a cigar. LANDLORD I know you’re in the there! I heard your footsteps! Now get your ass out here and pay me my money! And don’t you even think about going out the window again. The fire escape is blocked. Hayden looks at the window. There is a large goon standing outside with his arms folded. So Hayden decides to open the door. LANDLORD Now where is my money? HAYDEN I swear Mel I was gonna pay you, but unfortunately I got robbed. LANDLORD I don’t care if you got buggered up the bum-bum. Just gimmie my money. HAYDEN Why do you want my money anyways? Don’t you know money is the root of all evil?

14 LANDLORD I don’t care if money is the root of all disease. All I know is I want my money. Now where is it? HAYDEN So you’re telling me you would still use money even if it spread around deadly humanl killing diseases? LANDLORD Don’t be a wise-acre. Now where’s my money? HAYDEN I don’t have your money. LANDLORD What! You gotta have something. The Landlord grabs Hayden, pushes him against the frame of the door and frisks him. He finds a wad of money in his pocket. LANDLORD (Holding Money) What’s this? Holding out on me? HAYDEN I didn’t know I had that. LANDLORD This should be enough to cover the rent. HAYDEN You’re kidding me. There’s gotta be at least $2000 in there. LANDLORD Here’s 500. (Hands Him $500) HAYDEN You know the rent is only $1000 a month. LANDLORD Late fees my friend. Haven’t you heard of them? The landlord smacks Hayden on the head with the bills and walks away. HAYDEN

15 Who do you think you are? Blockbuster! The door across Hayden’s apartment opens. A black man named Jerry comes out. JERRY That man sure get on your nerves don’t he? HAYDEN Yeah. JERRY Last month he took my stove for payment. HAYDEN You mad? JERRY No I slept with his wife. HAYDEN You what?! JERRY Hey he cheated on her first. I was just accommodating vindication. HAYDEN If he finds out… JERRY He ain’t gonna find out. HAYDEN Right. JERRY So uh what’ve you been up to? HAYDEN Well yesterday I met this guy and… JERRY Oh so that explains everything! HAYDEN Huh?


JERRY Why you don’t ever have any women over at your place. HAYDEN I’m not gay. JERRY Just checkin’. Just checkin’. HAYDEN As I was saying…I met this guy. Now I don’t know his name, but he was like really weird. I mean like really mysterious. Like Batman or something. I couldn’t even see his face properly. He was like all shadowy and masky and stuff…and…and… JERRY And this is a big deal because? HAYDEN No it’s not how he looked that was really weird. I mean I’ve seen weirdoes before. He was just really in control of the situations he was in. Like beyond normal human control. JERRY So? HAYDEN Okay, well the first thing was when we were crossing the street. As soon as he put his foot on the pavement every single car stopped for him. JERRY So? Cars have breaks. That’s what they’re there for. So they won’t kill people. HAYDEN Anyways we got across the street and got into the donut shop and a robber came in. JERRY Nothing of the ordinary but go on. HAYDEN So this guy stands up to this robber. And the robber tries to shoot him! But no bullets come out. Then the robber

17 tries to hit ‘im and he grabs his fist and begins crushing his hand -- like it were made out of cheese or something. JERRY Then? HAYDEN Then the robber left! JERRY The guy was probably a goof. He probably just forgot to bring bullets. HAYDEN No this was something else man. JERRY There is a rational explanation for everything. It was all just coincidence. HAYDEN Was it? JERRY Yeah. HAYDEN Yup. JERRY Yeah…hey do you still sell knives? HAYDEN I think I’m gonna retire from the knife business. JERRY Then what’re you gonna do for money? HAYDEN Get a job. JERRY Good for you. I gotta go now. Jerry goes inside his apartment and shuts the door. CUT TO:

18 INT. EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, LOBBY – DAY Hayden and a bunch of other people are waiting in the employment agency lobby, waiting to be called on. A lady appears. LADY Church. Hayden Church. Hayden looks at the fellow beside him. HAYDEN That’s me. Hayden gets up from his seat and follows the lady. She takes him into an office. INT. EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, OFFICE – DAY LADY Chuck will be with you in a moment. He’s just a little busy. HAYDEN Thank you. The lady leaves; Chuck enters his office. Hayden stands up to greet him. He extends his hand. CHUCK You can sit down. Hayden sits down and Chuck goes behind his desk and takes a seat. He takes a sheet of paper from his desk and looks at it. CHUCK Hayden Church? HAYDEN Yes. CHUCK Why would you look for employment in this city? HAYDEN Huh?

19 CHUCK You know how bad this place is. HAYDEN I thought this was the epicenter of business. CHUCK It was. HAYDEN Huh? CHUCK Don’t you remember the terrorist attacks of November the 13th?! HAYDEN I do. But what does that have to do with anything? CHUCK After the terrorist attacks all the businesses started drawing their resources away from the city. And what do you think we’re left with? Hayden shrugs. CHUCK That’s right. Nothing! Pure crap! Why do you think crime is increasing so rapidly?! Because there’s not enough money! HAYDEN So you can’t get me a job? CHUCK Not a very good one. HAYDEN I’ll take whatever you have. CHUCK Look kid. Go home. Go back to your hometown. There’s no opportunity here. HAYDEN But I haven’t even been here a year. CHUCK

20 That’s good you have a chance to leave. HAYDEN I’m not leaving. CHUCK Fine stay in this rat hole, I don’t care. HAYDEN If it’s such a rat hole why are you still here? CHUCK I’m a masochist. HAYDEN Can you get me a job or not? CHUCK Sure. Chuck leans over his table and points. CHUCK But if things don’t work out, don’t say I didn’t warn you. CUT TO: INT. MegRonand’s Restaurant – NIGHT Hayden is working behind the counter at a MegRonald’s Restaurant. HAYDEN Hi may I take your order? CUSTOMER What do you have on special today? HAYDEN Everything is special at MegRonald’s! CUSTOMER I mean what do you have on sale? HAYDEN We got a 99 cent double cheeseburger.

21 CUSTOMER Okay I’ll take five of those. But can you just leave the cheese out? I’m allergic to cheese. HAYDEN Are you sure? Because that’s just gonna make it a double hamburger which costs double the price. CUSTOMER Even though the sandwich costs you less to make, you’re gonna charge me twice the price, just because it’s not on the special menu? HAYDEN Hey if I could change the MegRonald’s policy I would. But I can’t. So what’ll it be cowboy? CUSTOMER I… A customer behind him becomes irritated. CUSTOMER 2 Hey jerk! Move it our lose it! CUSTOMER What did you say? (Turns around) CUSTOMER 2 I said move it or lose it. HAYDEN Hey guys you’re gonna hafta take that outside. CUSTOMER You think yah tough? Tellin’ me tah move? CUSTOMER 2 What you want some of this? You want some of this? ‘cause I’ll give you some of this! (Takes shirt off) HAYDEN Excuse me you have to keep your shirt on to stay in the restaurant.

22 CUSTOMER Yeah take your shirt off! Everyone just wants to see your man boobs! CUSTOMER 2 You talk but you don’t walk the walk. CUSTOMER Oh I walk the walk. I walk the walk. HAYDEN Are you two gonna fight or not? CUSTOMER 2 Bring it bitch! Customer 2 socks Customer 1 in his face. The fight breaks out. They roll on the ground exchanging blows. But nobody pays attention. The nonchalant city dwellers ignore the rumble and continue staying in line. The next customer is served. HAYDEN Hi may I take your order? SHADOWY FIGURE Yes. HAYDEN Hey it’s you. SHADOWY FIGURE Yes it is me isn’t it? HAYDEN Uh yeah…So what’re you doing here? Are you stalking me? SHADOWY FIGURE I’m just here to have a meal. Is that so immoral? HAYDEN Well it depends. Are you a vegetarian? SHADOWY FIGURE Only on the weekends. HAYDEN

23 Interesting. SHADOWY FIGURE Yes quite. HAYDEN. Tell me did you really come here for the food? SHADOWY FIGURE I wouldn’t eat this garbage if it were given to me for free. HAYDEN Well if you’re not gonna order… SHADOWY FIGURE Quit your job Hayden. Quit your job and work for me. HAYDEN Are you nuts? I don’t even know who you are. What is your name? SHADOWY FIGURE Ess. HAYDEN S? SHADOWY FIGURE Yes. E-S-S. Ess. HAYDEN That’s kind of a strange, but to some Hayden is too… SHADOWY FIGURE So will you work for me or not? HAYDEN What does it pay? SHADOWY FIGURE I will double whatever you are earning here. HAYDEN 9 bucks? Alright. SHADOWY FIGURE No not 9 bucks.


HAYDEN Come on you said you’d double it. Alright fine how about 6? Six is reasonable. SHADOWY FIGURE (Sighs) I will pay you $100 an hour. 200 if you do a good job. HAYDEN $100…an hour? SHADOWY FIGURE Yes I only pay for the best. (Twiddles Fingers) CUT TO: EXT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM BUILDING – DAY Hayden Church and the Shadowy Figure are standing outside the Spicoli Law Firm. Hayden looks up at the monolithiclike building. HAYDEN That’s a big building. SHADOWY FIGURE Sure is. HAYDEN Is this where I’ll be working? SHADOWY FIGURE Sure is. HAYDEN Are you a lawyer here or something? SHADOWY FIGURE You can say that. HAYDEN So are we gonna go in or what? SHADOWY FIGURE Yeah I just wanted you to take in the atmosphere.


CUT TO: INT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY Hayden and the Shadowy figure stroll forward through the hallway. HAYDEN (Looking Around) This is a very lovely place you got here. SHADOWY FIGURE Thank you. HAYDEN Will I be working up here? SHADOWY FIGURE No. HAYDEN Oh…well that’s understandable I’m new here and what not. SHADOWY FIGURE You’ll be working somewhere much better than this. The Shadowy Figure leads Hayden to the elevator; the doors open automatically. They step inside. INT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM, ELEVATOR – DAY We can see on the button panel that the elevator shoots up all the way to 99 floors. We also see that the 99th button is lit. HAYDEN (VO) This place is flippin’ creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hitler lived here. SHADOWY HAYDEN Excuse me? HAYDEN Huh? I didn’t say anything. SHADOWY FIGURE

26 Oh of course. My apologies I thought you did. INT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM, SPICOLI’S OFFICE – DAY Hayden and the Shadowy figure step out of the elevator and enter Spicoli’s office. HAYDEN So um where’s your office? SHADOWY FIGURE This is my office. HAYDEN This whole place is your office, the entire floor? SHADOWY FIGURE Hold on let me hang up my jacket. The Shadowy Figure takes out a small red bell and rings it; he puts it away. A young redheaded woman appears in the office and approaches the Shadowy Figure. SHADOWY FIGURE Take my jacket and hat to the dry cleaners. The Shadowy Figure takes of his jacket and hat and hands it to the red head. She takes it and disappears into the elevator. HAYDEN Oh my God! Are you the Elvin Spicoli!? SPICOLI Guilty as charged. HAYDEN I can’t believe I’m being hired by New York’s highest paid lawyer. This is unbelievable! SPICOLI Before you wet yourself let’s go have a drink. Hayden follows Spicoli over to his wet bar. Spicoli pours two glasses of whiskey. He hands offer the glass of Whiskey to Hayden.

27 SPICOLI Drink up. (Smiles) HAYDEN Oh I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. But I don’t drink alcohol. SPICOLI That’s fine. How about a coke? HAYDEN I’m sorry I don’t drink coke either. SPICOLI Really? HAYDEN Just kidding. SPICOLI You’re a funny kid. You’re gonna need a sense of humor in this type of business. Spicoli pours Hayden a glass of coke and hands it to him. HAYDEN (Sips Coke) So um what will I be doing for you…exactly? SPICOLI What won’t you be doing? HAYDEN Seriously though I don’t have any training or anything like that. I don’t really see of what use I would be to you. I mean the most I know about law is what I learned from that half episode of Judge Judy I watched. And I wasn’t even paying attention. SPICOLI Relax Hayden. You’re just gonna be my assistant. HAYDEN Oh. That doesn’t sound so bad. But still what do you need me for?

28 SPICOLI I’m gonna be running for mayor soon. My arms are gonna be tied, so I’m gonna need a good assistant. Can you handle that? HAYDEN I don’t know. SPICOLI No. That is not what you say when you want a job. I’ll repeat myself and this time I want you to say “Yes I can!” HAYDEN Okay sure. SPICOLI I’m gonna be running for mayor soon. My arms are gonna be tied, so I’m gonna need a good assistant. Can you handle that? HAYDEN Yes I can! SPICOLI Can you? HAYDEN Uh sure. SPICOLI No you’re supposed to say “Yes I can!” HAYDEN Oh sorry. SPICOLI You know what forget it. I have a meeting to go to. You stay here and get acquainted with the office. You can leave on your own whenever you want to. HAYDEN Uh sure. SPICOLI Alright I’ll see you later then. (Swigs his Whiskey) You behave now.


Elvin Spicoli leaves. Hayden is alone in the office. He rummages around the place and browses through the bookshelf. Hayden pulls out a book which reads, “THE SATANIC BIBLE BY ANTON SZANDOR LAVEY.” He opens it and reads it quietly. Hayden becomes absorbed into the book and he takes a seat on Spicoli’s leather chair by the desk and leisurely puts his feet up. As the turns the pages they begin to singe. Soon the whole book is on fire. Hayden hops up from the chair and throws the book on the ground. He stomps it with his foot. Spicoli returns to his office and sees Hayden stomping his book. Hayden pauses and sees Spicoli looking at him. SPICOLI I forgot my keys…top left drawer of my desk. Hayden opens the drawer. He finds the keys and tosses it to Spicoli. SPICOLI Thanks. Spicoli leaves as if nothing happened. Hayden picks up the half charred book and puts it back into the bookshelf. CUT TO: EXT. OLD MANSION, FRONT OF HOME – DAY Cindy the Realtor is outside the old mansion, trying to coax prospective buyers into purchasing (a couple). CINDY (Gestures, Spreads Arms) As you can see the house has three levels. It has a beautiful stone face and gorgeous large bay windows. It is absolutely fabulous. The outside is just fantastic. This house, this mansion, is absolute bargain. WIFE You’ve shown us the outside for over half an hour. Can we see the inside?

30 CINDY There’s nothing inside. The outside is far more interesting. Just look at it. Feel the ambience! HUSBAND We don’t care about the outside. We want to see the inside. CINDY (Turn to Couple) I’ll be honest with you. You won’t like the inside. It’s a real fixer upper; a total mess. HUSBAND Then why are you showing us this house? CINDY Well um this is the only house that’s within your price range. WIFE You expect us to believe this huge mansion is within our price range? I mean how bad could the inside be anyways? CINDY Pretty bad! WIFE If you’re not gonna be honest with us, quiet frankly we don’t want the house. I don’t care how cheap it is. If we can’t deal with an honest realtor, I don’t wanna deal at all. HUSBAND Now there’s no need to be rude Joanna. How much is the house exactly Cindy? CINDY 100. HUSBAND Million! We can’t afford that! WIFE You really have to be on acid to think we could afford $100,000,000. CINDY

31 No it’s not a hundred million. It’s a hundred thousand. HUSBAND Jesus Christ! That’s dirt cheap! WIFE If it’s too good to be true it probably is. Let me guess… there’s no electricity, there’s no plumbing, the place is probably infested with vermin, and I bet hippies used to smoke pot in the living room. (Nods Head) CINDY Do you want the truth? HUSBAND Yes. I can handle the truth. CINDY There’s nothing wrong with the inside of the house. It’s perfectly fine. HUSBAND Well then why are we standing out here? Let’s go inside! The husband rushes into the mansion with his wife, Cindy tries to stop him. CINDY No wait! You can’t go in there! INT. OLD MANSION, FOYER – DAY Cindy and the couple are inside the mansion. The place is absolutely stunning. HUSBAND Sweet home Alabama! This place is huge! Isn’t it huge Joanna? WIFE It’s much bigger than most things I’m used to. HUSBAND Hey! WIFE

32 I am impressed. But I’m still skeptical. I know there’s something wrong with this place. And I won’t put down a dollar ‘til we’ve seen every nook and cranny. HUSBAND You are so picky. WIFE Greg shut up! May we? CINDY Sure. If you really want to, I’ll take you around. WIFE Thank you. INT. OLD MANSION, KITCHEN – DAY CINDY (Exasperated) This is the kitchen. See it. Enjoy it. Bask in its glory. The couple is in awe; curiously they look and touch. HUSBAND This place is phenomenal! It’s absolutely stunning…and cheap! WIFE I still can’t believe it’s a hundred thousand! There’s gotta be a catch! CINDY Yeah there is a catch. HUSBAND (Pauses) Damn it! I knew it! I knew there was a catch! WIFE Alright what’s the catch? CINDY Do you believe in ghosts? HUSBAND

33 What a silly question to ask. There’s no such thing as ghosts. CINDY That’s what I think. But… WIFE But? CINDY But the house has been on the market for over two years. And you would expect it to sell at a hundred thousand. But every time a realtor shows it to somebody, the buyers run away scared. Something is not right about this house. WIFE So you’re saying it’s haunted. HUSBAND I know what this is. (Approaches Cindy) You want the house for yourself. CINDY Huh? HUSBAND That’s right you heard me. You don’t wanna sell this house. You want this house for yourself. That’s why you’re makin’ up these stories about freakin’ ghosts, so nobody wants to buy this house and you get it on the cheap. The wife folds her arms. HUSBAND Well I’ll tell you what. I am gonna buy this house. In fact I am gonna write a check for you right now! (Takes out Checkbook) The husband begins writing a check. He begins floating up in the air, but doesn’t notice. HUSBAND How do you spell your last name again? CINDY Um!

34 WIFE Greg! HUSBAND What! (Looks Down) Sweet mother of pearl! Get me down from here! Ah! The Husband is now flat against the ceiling. He is being dragged along. Cindy and the Wife follow him. HUSBAND Help! Somebody help! Jesus Christ! Help! WIFE Do something! CINDY Don’t panic! HUSBAND I’m not panicking! Who’s panicking!? Stop panicking! WIFE Calm down Greg! We are going to call the Ghostbusters! HUSBAND You daft woman! The Ghostbusters ain’t real! WIFE Stop being a jerk! The husband is pulled into the basement. Cindy and the Wife follow. They are taken in front of a small room where the husband is dropped off. The wife runs to her husband’s aid. WIFE Oh Greg! Are you alright? HUSBAND What do you think? I just fell 9 feet flat on my face. WIFE … HUSBAND Yeah I think I’ll live.

35 WIFE (Helps Husband Up) Come on get up. We have to go. CINDY I’m really sorry about this. WIFE Shut up we don’t have time for apologies. The three run up the stairs but become trapped as the door shuts locked on its own. The husband bangs wildly on the door. HUSBAND For the love of Daniel E. Akroyd! Let us out! WIFE We did not mean to disturb you! We are sorry! Just let us out! CINDY Calm down! I’m sure there’s a rational explanation. WIFE What rational explanation is there for floatin’ up on the ceilin’! CINDY Anti-gravity machine? WIFE Anti-gravity machine! Are you mad?! The husband gets the door open. He grabs his wife by the hand. HUSBAND Gah! Let’s go! They run out the basement. EXT. OLD MANSION – DAY Cindy stands at the step of the house while the couple runs for their lives.

36 CINDY (Takes Out Calendar) Wait! Don’t you want your calendar! The wife and husband are now gone. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY – DAY Hayden and Spicoli are in the library standing in one of the aisles. HAYDEN Why are we in the library? SPICOLI Don’t underestimate the power of knowledge. The more knowledge you have the more powerful you become. HAYDEN I guess. SPICOLI You guess? HAYDEN I guess. SPICOLI Hayden you have to take this job more seriously. If all you can say is “I guess” you are not gonna get very far. HAYDEN I’m sorry Mr. Spicoli. I just don’t feel right today. Something is off. SPICOLI You need to relax. Let me rub your shoulders. HAYDEN This is getting a little weird. SPICOLI Hayden, Hayden! It’s just a shoulder rub. There’s no need to be apprehensive.

37 HAYDEN Alright then uh sure…go ahead. Spicoli rubs Hayden’s shoulders. SPICOLI Does it feel good? HAYDEN Yeah it’s pretty good. Cindy the realtor peeks into the aisle and sees Spicoli and Hayden. CINDY Excuse me do you…Oh I didn’t know you two were busy! Hayden shrugs his shoulders and Spicoli stops massaging. HAYDEN This isn’t what it looks like. CINDY It’s okay! I’m totally cool with it. HAYDEN I am not gay! Why does everybody think that? CINDY You dress well? SPICOLI Look lady! CINDY (Points) Hey –- you’re Elvin Spicoli! SPICOLI Guilty as charged. HAYDEN Why do you always say that? SPICOLI (To Hayden) Shut up kid.

38 (To Cindy) It’s pleasure it’s a pleasure to meet you. Spicoli takes Cindy’s hand and kisses it. CINDY Right…do you guys know where the occult section is? SPICOLI Follow me. Spicoli leads Cindy and Hayden to the occult section. INT. LIBRARY, OCCULT SECTION – DAY It is dark, damp and dusty and the lights flicker eerily. HAYDEN I’ve been to the library a couple times before and I’ve never seen this area before. SPICOLI It’s a big library. (To Cindy) Now what is it you were looking for? CINDY Um I was looking for a book on ghosts. SPICOLI You are wasting your time lady. Ghosts don’t exist. CINDY Oh really? And how would you know? SPICOLI I just do. CINDY If ghosts don’t exist then what is your explanation for a full grown man flying all the way up to the ceiling? SPICOLI Did that really happen? Did you really see a full grown man fly all the way up to the ceiling? CINDY

39 Yes, as a matter of fact I did. SPICOLI Are you sure he wasn’t superman? Yeah I know he’s fictional. But let’s not rule out the possibility that he could be based on a true story. CINDY Don’t patronize me Mr. Spicoli. SPICOLI I’m sorry. I just don’t believe your stories. CINDY I don’t need this. Excuse me. Cindy goes down the end of the aisle. She picks ups a book and looks through it. Spicoli browses the aisle. Hayden stands silently, gazing at Spicoli and waiting for permission to leave. Spicoli looks back. SPICOLI I know she’s attractive. Go ahead. Hayden joins Cindy. HAYDEN Hi. CINDY (Glances) Hi. HAYDEN I believe you. CINDY (Puts Down Book) Don’t patronize me. HAYDEN No really I do. When I was 7 I saw a ghost. CINDY I don’t believe you. HAYDEN

40 You don’t believe me? CINDY Yeah. HAYDEN Somebody’s got double standards/ CINDY It’s not me. HAYDEN How is it not you? You got aggravated Mr. Spicoli when didn’t believe you, yet you do the exact same thing to me. CINDY It’s not the same situation. HAYDEN How is it not the same situation? CINDY I told you what I told you, because I wanted to tell you. You told me what you told me, because you want to get in my pants. HAYDEN I am not trying to get into your pants. CINDY Alright my panties. HAYDEN Panty… CINDY What? HAYDEN Nothing. Look I’m not trying to get into your panties. I am just telling you that I had a similar situation and that maybe you aren’t the crazy bitch that my boss thinks. CINDY Okay fine I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. But only because you are a complete stranger whom I know nothing about…so what’s your name?


HAYDEN Mr. Church. I mean Hayden. CINDY I’m Cindy. (Extends Hand) HAYDEN Nice to meet you Cindy. (Shake Hands) So, what’s the book you’re holding? Cindy shows Hayden the book she is holding, “The Complete Book of Devils & Demons.” CINDY The complete book of devils and demons… HAYDEN I thought you came here to find out about ghosts. CINDY I just grabbed whatever was on the shelf. HAYDEN Do you think what happened to you could have been… CINDY Demons? Maybe -– I guess it wouldn’t be anymore far fetched than say ghosts. Spicoli finishes browsing the aisle. He is holding a book in his hand. SPICOLI If you aren’t too busy Mr. Church maybe we could get going? HAYDEN Uh I have to go. Do you think… Cindy hands Hayden her business card. CINDY Call me. HAYDEN

42 Stalk you. CINDY What? HAYDEN Nothing I was making fun of a movie I saw. Anyways I’ll talk to you later? CINDY Sure. Hayden joins Spicoli. HAYDEN I’m sorry I didn’t help you, but did you find what you came here for? SPICOLI It took me a thousand years, but I found it. (Holds Up Book) HAYDEN Cool. Hayden and Spicoli leave. They chitchat while walking. CUT TO: EXT. ROADS OF NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT The roads of New York are clogged with traffic. Hayden is sitting in a sedentary taxi cab. INT. ROADS OF NEW YORK CITY, TAXI CAB – NIGHT DRIVER Darn traffic! (Honks Horn) HAYDEN I don’t mean to be rude but I’m really in a rush here. If this cab doesn’t start moving I’m gonna hafta walk. DRIVER Go ahead walk but you still owe me 15 bucks.

43 Hayden takes out $15 and hands it to the driver. DRIVER What no tip? HAYDEN (Sighs) Here. (Hands Driver Tip) Hayden leaves the cab. He travels down the road on foot. After several minutes of walking he finds out what has caused the traffic jam. There is a man-sized red winged demon terrorizing motorists and pedestrians. DEMON You think God is the ruler of Earth? Well who’s the ruler now?! The demon jumps on top on one of the cars and rips of the roof like a sardine can. He grabs the driver inside, Cindy, and holds her up by her neck. DEMON Do you really think hiding in that metal box will protect you? CINDY (Gasping) Let me go! DEMON You didn’t answer my question. Hayden dashes toward the demon. HAYDEN Get your hands off her! You damn dirty demon! CINDY Hayden! DEMON You wanna dance? Shake it baby!

44 The demon tosses Cindy into Hayden. He catches her in his arms but falls down from the force. The two scramble to their feet as the demon marches toward them. The wind blows strongly and dark sky becomes darker. DEMON You think you’re so tough? Well you don’t scare me. HAYDEN What are you talking about? Cindy hides behind Hayden. DEMON You don’t even know yet! (Laughs) HAYDEN Know what! DEMON I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you’re the one…of two. Damn. HAYDEN I don’t know what the hell you are and what you’re talking about! But if you come any closer I will be forced to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all outta bubblegum… The Demon tosses Hayden a pack of gum, but he throws it away. HAYDEN I don’t want your gum, you -- redneck! DEMON I don’t have time for this. I’m here on vacation. Deal with my minions. (Flies Away) Zombies rise from the ground. HAYDEN Aw crap. (Turns to Cindy) Zombies?

45 CINDY Yeah zombies. HAYDEN Whatever you do don’t get bit. CINDY Really? HAYDEN There’s no time to be a sarcastic bitch Cindy! We have to get out here! CINDY How’re we gonna get out of here?! We’re surrounded! And unless you can fly… HAYDEN Shut up Cindy and think of something! We are running out of time and they are slowly but surely getting closer. (Looks at Watch) CINDY Wait aren’t zombies afraid of garlic? HAYDEN No that’s vampires! CINDY Right! HAYDEN (Snaps Fingers) I know! Hayden takes out his gun and presses the barrel to his temple. CINDY You wuss! Use the gun on the zombies not yourself! HAYDEN That’s a much better idea! Hayden fires a bullet from his gun. CINDY

46 You missed! HAYDEN What do you expect? I only carry this around just in case. I’m not a homicidal maniac! CINDY (Grabs Gun) Give me that! Cindy takes the gun and picks the zombies off one by one, until there is only one zombie left. But she has run out of bullets. CINDY Crap! Bullets! No response is given. Cindy turns to Hayden. CINDY Bullets! Hayden shrugs. CINDY Son of a…I can’t believe I’m gonna die a virgin. Hayden snickers. CINDY Oh be quiet! The zombie lurches forward. Cindy throws her gun at the creature and misses. CINDY (To Hayden) Do something! HAYDEN Like what? CINDY Defend me! HAYDEN I don’t think you need defending Robocop.

47 CINDY Oh God kill me now! The zombie lurches forward some more. HAYDEN Relax Cindy. This isn’t “Dawn of the Dead.” There’s one zombie. I can handle it. (Steps Forward; Cups Mouth) Go away bad guy! CINDY What are you doing? HAYDEN I’m trying to reason with it. CINDY Go away bad guy? HAYDEN Zombies eat brains because they need brain power. If I talk to the zombie like an adult it’s not gonna understand. (Cups Mouth) Go away bad guy! CINDY (Looks Up) God if you’re going to kill me now’s the time. The zombie is now within close proximity to Cindy and Hayden. So Hayden bitch slaps it across the face, causing its head to fall off. CINDY How… HAYDEN It’s a rotting corpse. How tough could it be to beat? CINDY Touché. CUT TO: INT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM, SPICOLI’S OFFICE – DAY


Hayden is organizing Spicoli’s filing cabinet. Spicoli is smoking a cigar in his leather loveseat. SPICOLI You know I’ve been thinking. HAYDEN About? SPICOLI Life. Why are we here? What is the point of it all? HAYDEN Is that a rhetorical question? SPICOLI No really what do you think life is about? HAYDEN Sir I have no idea. But I can say for sure it’s not about organizing your filing cabinet. SPICOLI Tired already? Come sit on the couch. Take a break. Hayden joins Spicoli on the loveseat. SPICOLI You want a cigar? HAYDEN No thanks I don’t smoke. SPICOLI Alright it’s your choice. Spicoli takes out a remote and presses one of the buttons; flat screen TV comes out the floor. HAYDEN Hey. SPICOLI Neat huh? I got it at a police auction. Half off!

49 Spicoli flips the channels; he stops on the news. There is an Asian news reporter at the site where the demon appeared. TELEVISION REPORTER I’m here at 14th and Brimley the infamous site where motorists and pedestrians have claimed to seen a real live demon…and some zombies. With me is George… (Pan to Bum) BUM Hasting. George Hasting. REPORTER Now you say you saw a demon. BUM Yes. REPORTER Could you describe him –- or her? BUM It was very cliché. Red wings, red skin, horns, a tail, the works really… REPORTER I see. There are kids making funny faces in the background. The reporter turns around. REPORTER Will you damn kids knock it off?! The kids leave. The reporter turns back to the camera. REPORTER As I was saying… at channel 7 we believe in bringing you the most exciting and stimulating news. So here is exclusive footage of the demon caught on tape… EXCLUSIVE VIDEO Show scene where the demon is talking to Hayden and Cindy. CUT TO:


LOVESEAT SPICOLI Is that you and that girl from the library? HAYDEN Yeah. SPICOLI And you never told me about this? HAYDEN I just didn’t think you would believe me and… SPICOLI You never told me you were dating her! I though we were buds! I could’ve really given you some great tips. HAYDEN Huh? We’re not dating. SPICOLI Really? HAYDEN Yes. SPICOLI Cool. HAYDEN And what about the demon? SPICOLI What about the demon? HAYDEN You’re not shocked? SPICOLI Why would I be shocked? HAYDEN It’s not everyday you see a demon. (Stands Up and Points) Unless you’re the demon!


SPICOLI Oh why because I’m a lawyer? (Stands Up) Not every lawyer you meet is evil. HAYDEN Are you the demon or are you not? SPICOLI I’m not a demon! I am just a lawyer. Then I’m a human being. Is that so hard to believe? HAYDEN Well…then why all the nonchalant-ness? Personally when I saw that damn thing I was pretty darn shocked. SPICOLI You know how television is. It’s all hype. So why should I get my panties in a bunch just because somebody tells me to? HAYDEN You wear panties? SPICOLI All I’m saying is you have to take these things with a pinch of salt. There is no substantial evidence to prove demons exist. It’s a fairytale Hayden! The whole Bible is! HAYDEN I dunno. When I saw that thing I… SPICOLI Prayed to God? Let me ask you a question, why is it that people only pray to God when they want something? It’s selfish and self-centered! And that’s why I don’t believe! HAYDEN No actually I wet myself -- just a little. (Gestures with Pinch) SPICOLI TMI! Too much information! HAYDEN So you really don’t believe in… (Points Upward)

52 SPICOLI Not a lick. But religion does interest me to a degree. How people can throw themselves at something that doesn’t even exist. HAYDEN How can you be so sure there’s no God? SPICOLI I see no evidence. But anyways it’s not like this is the first time you’ve heard. I know for a fact you don’t believe either. HAYDEN I don’t believe I don’t disbelieve. I just don’t know. SPICOLI Agnostic? HAYDEN Atheist? SPICOLI You know the only difference between us is I make firm decisions. HAYDEN Well what if I make a firm decision about not making firm decisions? SPICOLI Oh now you’re just being silly. HAYDEN So let me get this straight…if you saw the demon you would believe? SPICOLI Maybe, but I don’t see it. (Cups Hands Around Mouth) Oh demon! Where are you? Spicoli walks around his office, mocking the supposed demon. SPICOLI Demon! I’m waiting! Where are you? I would like to meet you! Oh demon!


HAYDEN I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Spicoli walks over to the window and faces his back toward it and continues mocking the demon. SPICOLI I’m so scared Hayden! Will you stop the demon from stealing my soul? HAYDEN Mr. Spicoli if you don’t stop mocking the evil forces in the underbelly of the earth something bad is gonna happen! SPICOLI I doubt that. (Spreads Arms) Come and get me! Nothing happens. SPICOLI See I told you nothing would happen. More nothing happens. SPICOLI See nothing’s happening, because that demon is a big wet pussy cat. Here puddy puddy puddy! Puddy! Spicoli begins walking forward. SPICOLI (Pauses) Wait I think I here something? (Cups Ear) What’s that, a big wet pussy cat? Meow! Meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow… The Demon bursts through the window. DEMON (Smiles) Meow! Spicoli’s gasps as his eyes widen. The Demon grabs Spicoli by the arm and leaps out the window. Hayden runs to the end

54 of the office and stares outside as his boss is taken away into the orange sky. Hayden hears a VOICE coming from below; he looks down. BUM Hey! Yo! HAYDEN Who the? BUM ‘member you kicked that can in my head? HAYDEN Oh yeah! Sorry ‘bout that. BUM Well get your butt down here. I have something to tell you. HAYDEN I’m kinda busy right now. If you didn’t notice a big red flying piece shiitake took my boss away. BUM I know! That’s what I wanna talk to you about! HAYDEN I’m not exactly in the talking mood right now. The bum picks up a banana peel and throws it on Hayden’s face. BUM I am dead serious son! If you don’t get down here the world is gonna end! HAYDEN Fine! If it’ll stop the end of the world I’ll come down. CUT TO: EXT. SPICOLI LAW FIRM – DAY Hayden meets up with the Bum (George Hasting). HAYDEN I’m here. Are you happy now? Are you happy?


BUM Shut up and listen. There’s a war going on… HAYDEN Yeah we all know about the war in the Middle East, what’s your point? BUM Did I not tell you to shut up? I’ll start again. There’s a war going on –- between God and the Devil. That’s why you saw that demon. Now it ain’t no regular demon though. That was the second prince of darkness. HAYDEN Satan’s brother? BUM Yes. Satan has a brother; albeit he’s not as famous, but he’s just as dangerous. HAYDEN Let me guess. Satan’s brother -- whatever his name is – is trying to take over the Earth. And I am the “chosen one” and have to stop him singly handedly. BUM Uh no…I mean it’s pretty close, but not really…you see the reason why “God” tells you not to sin, is not because God is an uptight prude. It’s because demons and creatures of the underworld thrive on misery, suffering and pain. So the more you sin the more they are attracted. And right now the world is in a heap of sin. HAYDEN Okay so what does that have to do with me? BUM The people of earth are losing faith in God. You need to inspire them, to take them away from the sin. HAYDEN And what if I don’t? BUM Hell on earth.

56 HAYDEN You mean Armageddon, the end of the world, all that bull crap right? BUM It’s not exactly the end of the world. It’s more like the end of human existence. So the world won’t really end per se, you guys just won’t be here. HAYDEN Semantics, semantics, it’s always semantics with you guys. BUM So are yah in? HAYDEN I am not in, because I don’t know what in is, and this does not make any sense whatsoever. BUM Go on… HAYDEN If there is a God then that also means there’s a heaven, right? BUM Yeah? HAYDEN And heaven, according to my understanding, is much, much better than earth. BUM Yup. HAYDEN So if everyone dies and we all go to heaven, what’s the big deal? BUM Hayden, demons don’t just kill you -- they eat your soul. That means you don’t exist anymore. HAYDEN But, but I thought we were immortal. Isn’t that why Jesus H. Christ died for our sins?


BUM Oh yeah you are. I mean according to the first law of thermodynamics -- energy isn’t lost really it’s just transferred; much like your soul. But what I meant is your soul won’t exist on Earth anymore. So when your soul is eaten you will be shat into the pits of hell for eternity. HAYDEN Good Lord! That still doesn’t make any sense. BUM What is the problem now? HAYDEN If God is so almighty why doesn’t he just step in stop it? That lazy son of a… BUM Hey! God is not a crutch, he is your creator. He made you to think for yourself and to be independent. Not to be a whiny little baby. HAYDEN I thought he did make whiny little babies. BUM You know what I’m talking about! Now are you going to help save the humans or not? HAYDEN Okay so I have to prevent sin right? BUM Yeah. HAYDEN How in the hell do I prevent something that everyone in the world has a different definition for? BUM A sin is anything one does to knowingly and purposely bring harm to another. HAYDEN Give me an example.

58 BUM Okay let’s say I see you on the street -- and I’m not a poor bum. HAYDEN That’s kind of a stretch but okay. BUM And say I hit you with my car -- on purpose. And you become paralyzed. HAYDEN Damn. BUM That is a sin. But say somebody cut my breaks, which is a sin, and I accidentally hit you. But it was an accident. That is a sin. HAYDEN That makes sense. But what if you accidentally hit me but you were not remorseful and you didn’t care. Is that a sin? Now you didn’t do it on purpose -- your lack of feelings. You just happened to feel that way because you know it’s an accident. Is that a sin? BUM Inaction is an action. It is an action of inaction; by purposely doing an inaction it because an action -- which can hurt somebody -- which can still be considered a sin. HAYDEN And what about the kids who do mean stuff but are completely oblivious about their actions and think nothing of it? I mean the intent to harm isn’t there is it? So doesn’t that nullify it as a sin? BUM Those kids know damn well right what they’re doing. They just don’t know the boundaries. HAYDEN Okay. Is there anybody without sin? BUM Everyone has a bit of sin. The only exception would be babies.


HAYDEN So nobody gets into heaven then? BUM As long as people don’t stay jerks, then yeah Hayden they are entitled to their retirement. HAYDEN How do you know my name? BUM I know a lot more than you think. But you just have to trust me that I know a lot more. HAYDEN Who are you? I know your name is George Hasting –- I saw you on TV. But really who the fudge are you? BUM I used to be like you. I had an opportunity to do good. But I became self-centered and wrapped up in myself; now I have to redeem myself as a frickin’ bum. HAYDEN That’s fantastic. But what do you mean “I used to be like you?” BUM Hayden you are not an ordinary human being. You are a special guy, and I don’t mean like a retard in the Special Olympics. Not that there’s anything wrong with the Special Olympics. It’s fairly entertaining. But what I’m saying is… HAYDEN I’m the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. BUM No you idiot! You’re an angel. You’re not Jesus Christ. HAYDEN Well that’s still pretty sweet anyways. Boy the guys at home are really gonna dig this! BUM Actually your home town was destroyed. (Takes out Article Clipping)


Hayden grabs the article and reads it. HAYDEN Oh jeez. When did this happen? BUM Yesterday afternoon. HAYDEN Christ, my family lived there. BUM Hayden you know what you have to do. HAYDEN (Distraught) No I don’t. Tell me. BUM You need to unlock your powers. HAYDEN How? (Grabs Bum) How!? BUM You have to commit suicide. You have to kill yourself. HAYDEN Kill myself? Are you loopy man? How am I gonna get justice if I kill myself? BUM When you die you will return as something great…an angel; an Earth Angel. HAYDEN I’m not killing myself. I just have to persevere. BUM This is how you persevere. HAYDEN You’re crazy man. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you.

61 Hayden turns away from the Bum and begins walking away. BUM Faith! HAYDEN (Pauses) What? BUM You have to have faith. Otherwise we’re all doomed. CUT TO: INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT Elvin Spicoli is tied to a chair; he looks beat up. He is being chastised by the Demon (Satan’s Brother). DEMON (Pacing Back and Forth) So you’re a lawyer huh? I like lawyers. You’re my kinda people. Unfortunately we can’t trust you. You’re a little too sneaky I think. So rather than having you work for us, I think I’ll make you my slave. What do you think of that? SPICOLI (Mumbling) You’re mad gringo! You’ll never take over this planet, never! The army will destroy you. DEMON You and what army? The American army? I have more fire power in my tail than all the troops combined. SPICOLI You underestimate the strong spirit of humans. DEMON Once I get enough of my men here, and they are all men, we will obliterate stinky crappy New York. Then the world! SPICOLI If I ever get out of here I am so going to sue your ass! DEMON I’m so scared.

62 SPICOLI You better be! DEMON (Hits Spicoli) No you better be! Because I don’t just kill you, I take your soul. I play for keeps. SPICOLI I understand that you’re a sick sadistic bastard. But why are you keeping me here? DEMON You know the difference between demons and humans? You guys always have to have logic behind anything you do. We demons we just do things for the heck of it. You know for fun. SPICOLI People do things for fun too. DEMON Yeah but only to a certain extent, you don’t really let loose. I mean you guys are pretty selfish, but it’s not really up to demon type level. SPICOLI Well why don’t you give me a chance and let me prove it to you? DEMON Go on… SPICOLI If you let me go -- I’ll work for you. I will be your employee. DEMON …no, that’s not good enough. SPICOLI What are you talking about? It’s a great deal! You know what I could do for you? DEMON Yes you would be quite useful. Tell you what, throw in your soul and we have a deal.

63 SPICOLI My soul? DEMON Yeah your soul. SPICOLI I can’t. DEMON Alright how about this, I give you complete freedom -- on Earth –- plus I give you three wishes. You can have anything you want. SPICOLI What are you a genie? DEMON Three wishes man. Anything you want. Well almost anything. SPICOLI Do I have a choice? DEMON If you wanna stay here and be perpetually tortured for the rest of your life, then yes. You do have a choice. SPICOLI Then hook me up hell-boy. DEMON Three wishes comin’ up. CUT TO: