Looking for a good ice breaker for your church fundraising potluck?

Does your son need to bring a funny joke to his next scout meeting? Tired of hearing the same old boring tales that aren't really funny, or getting embarrassed by humor that is better shared on the golf course, or at a bar (i.e. not among mixed company). You need a one-stop "shopping list," so to speak of funny clean jokes hilarious tales that are suitable to tell around the children, but that will actually make you laugh, as well.

I've grouped some classics (and new funnies) in familiar categories for easy selection, and put together a large group of 100 side-splitting funny clean jokes. Why not bookmark this page so you've got a good diversion during the day? Try telling a few of them aloud to your eight-year old. When you overhear him relating one of these to his own friends, I guarantee you'll be laughing even harder. Enjoy!

Cluck, Cluck, Cluck!!

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Yeah, Not Us! Savor the moment Are you Chicken? Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?

-She wanted to lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

- He heard the referee calling fowls

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

-To get to the other slide!

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?

-To invent the other side

What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?

-Just The Pit Bull

That's really funny! Ultimate 150 Cartoon Festival (DVD, 3-Disc Set) Current Bid: $3.99 Yogi's First Christmas DVD 1980 Cartoon Xmas Yogis NEW Current Bid: $22.99 2 Pack Ultimate 150 Cartoon Festival (DVD, 3-Disc Set) Current Bid: $10.00 Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection (DVD, 2009, ... Current Bid: $34.99 COW AND CHICKEN Season 1,2,3,4 Cartoon Network NEW DVD Current Bid: $58.00 The Beatles DVD movie, All 78 Cartoons in 39 Episodes! Current Bid: $10.99 Animal Jokes How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

-With a Cowculator

What's a cow's favorite moosical note?

He is stopped by the same police officer who says.." Three birders walk into a bar.-Beef-flat Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? -Too many cheetahs What do cats like to eat for breakfast? -Mice Krispies A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. Today I'm taking them to the movies. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again." The man replies "I did.!!) Birder 1: What kind of bird is that? Birder 2: A gulp. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. only it's bigger . (ha.. The fourth one ducks. The man agrees and drives off. Birder 2: It's like a swallow. "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.. Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.

) A duck walks into a bar and asks. Ten minutes later.." says the duck and leaves. "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before. I am sorry. The bartender is furious... He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar.What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone? -A Golden Receiver! What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? -Rough! Rough! MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records..." says the duck. "So.do ." says the duck and leaves. we have cherries and olives but no grapes. we have cherries and olives. "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says.any. Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. (kids love this one.... Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender." screams the bartender. "No." "Oh.NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No. beak lips. do you have any grapes?" Moses at the Bookstore Need More Jokes? Pick Up a Great Book! Comedy Comes Clean: A Hilarious Collection of Wholesome Jokes. we don't have nails.99 .. we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks. and One-Liners Amazon Price: $24. "Do you have any grapes?" "Look." says the duck and leaves. "WHAT???!!" "Uh. but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh... "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!.you . "Oh.... the door swings open and the duck returns.. Quotes.. stares menacingly at the duck and screams." answers the bartender.uh.have. "Mmmm.

99 The Everything Kids' Joke Book: Side-Splitting.95 Fabulous and Funny Clean Jokes for Kids Amazon Price: $38. good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. crisp and even?" . "Go. give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones. Silliest. "Oh. Best. and thin no more!" They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. "Well.95 Jokelopedia: The Biggest.37 List Price: $4.95 1." Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss.96 List Price: $7. The assistant asked. Rib-Tickling Fun (Everything Kids Series) Amazon Price: $3.99 Steve Jobs as God? Religion Laughter (Rated PG) A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.53 List Price: $11.List Price: $9. "Do you want your usual? Deep pan.000 Knock Knock Jokes for Kids Amazon Price: $5. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. Dumbest Joke Book Ever Amazon Price: $7. Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction.

Andy talks with me?'" The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn . The vicar replies "Well. if you can answer one question. Peter: "Joe. who is with you always?" Joe: "Oh. I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after. One to actually change the bulb." "What do you say that". haven't you heard that hymn. enquires the parishioner. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." St..K. One day he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates.. 30? Once there was a guy named Joe. it should require about five committees to review the idea first. Peter: "Andy?" Joe: "Yeah. If each is staffed with half a dozen members. one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? -Well. Peter: "O." How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? -10. that's what . St. and 9 to say how much they like the old one How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? -Two.A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners." Joe: "sounds easy enough. that's easy: Andy!" St. I'll let you into heaven. ‘Andy walks with me..

9. Did I turn off the curling iron? 5. What does pastor wear under robes? 8.10. 4. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it? 2. 90 minutes till kickoff. How many more verses? Classic Jokes Who's there? Knock Knock Jokes Knock knock! Who's there? . The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head. How many people have lost more hair than I have? 3. The pot roast. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note? 7. Are there doughnuts at fellowship? 1. 6.

I'm dwowning! Knock knock! Who's there? Max. just let me in! Knock Knock! Who's there? Yachts Yachts who? Yachts up. Max who? Max no difference to you. doc? Knock Knock! . Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub.Dwayne.

professed his desire to become a great writer. "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. howl in pain and anger!" He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation. cry. stuff that will make them scream. When asked to define "great" he said. in his youth. stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. .Who's there? Ya Ya who? What are you getting so excited about? Knock knock! Who's there? Vera Vera Who? Vera few people think these jokes are funny! Actions speak louder than words (and signs) Computer Jokes There was once a young man who.

You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready.40 List Price: $9. Knock Knock (Practical Joke) The joke's on you! Humor DVDs (Rated G and PG) The Odd Couple Amazon Price: $26. 'What's for dinner dad?' Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.98 Animal Crackers . You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa..************************* Why was the computer so tired when it got home? -Because it had a hard drive! ************************** Signs that you need to get away from the computer You try to enter your password on the microwave. but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. and he emails you back. This should come standard I'm probably dangerously close to getting this one..

"How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. How am .85 List Price: $14.91 List Price: $14. Kathy walks out of the bathroom. too chicken to face her.Amazon Price: $29. and.94 Airplane! (Don't Call Me Shirley! Edition) Amazon Price: $7.65 List Price: $12. Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom.99 List Price: $14.98 Husband and Wife Humor When a man opens the door of his car for his wife.63 List Price: $14. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself.98 And Now for Something Completely Different Amazon Price: $3. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night.98 The Princess Bride (20th Anniversary Edition) Amazon Price: $6.98 Young Frankenstein Amazon Price: $6. and Kathy's in the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself.89 List Price: $14.98 Spaceballs Amazon Price: $4.66 List Price: $14.99 Twelve Chairs Amazon Price: $6.

" Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. "A wall clock almost killed my mother today. "Clock always was slow. Current Bid: $1.25 Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (DVD. "I don't even know that woman! A wife complains. gives him a huge wet kiss. Widesc. You just ate my socks. "Honey. I know." replied her husband." Kids DVDs on eBay Married With Children Complete Series Seasons 1-11 Current Bid: $159. Is this her first child?" He says..99 Billy The Kid 20-Movie Pack DVD .I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him. "Honey. "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing." Her husband mumbled. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. I've got to tell you something. pulls back and says. Kathy runs up to him. 2004. 1999) Current Bid: $2." Jimmy says. passionately kissing.80 KIDS FIGHTING CHANCE (DVD) Current Bid: $1. "Yeah. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch. "Calm down." A guy calls the hospital. He says. "No! This is her husband!" Married men should forget their mistakes.98 Problem Child (DVD.. A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench.

After she climbed 1000 feet. When he asked what happened. the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. As all the planes were currently in use. showed her how to start it and gave her the basics.Current Bid: $3. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage." After 2000 feet. and sent her on her way. saying how easy it was to fly. "I don't know! Everything was going fine. A few minutes later.99 WHOLESALE LOT OF 17 USED CHILDREN'S DVDS Current Bid: $7. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful. she said. but as I got higher. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet. Miraculously. and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!" ************ A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. He took her out. and I'm starting to get the hang of this. she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. she radioed in.50 Got to Include Some Blonde Jokes A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. she radioed again. . I was starting to get cold.

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles... how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. she owed him $5." "Uh. "Officer. ma'am". Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. ********* There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer figured he could not lose. the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. cutting her off. and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions. and the blonde reluctantly accepted. I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. officer. and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was . it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. but every time he could not answer hers. . So I swerved to the right.. he'd give her $50. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." ********* Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? -To see what was on the other side. Finally. the officer said. "Well. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.00."My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.

angry and frustrated. Finally the first blonde says "Darn. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. so her doctor puts her on a diet. "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well. "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. the blonde handed him $5. I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies. then skip a day. Finally." . ********* Two blondes lock their keys in the car. then the blonde asked.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment. you'll have lost at least five pounds. and repeat the procedure for two weeks. the lawyer looked puzzled. "I want you to eat regularly for two days. "keep trying. he gave up and paid the blonde $50. The next time I see you. looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word.The lawyer first asked. but the lawyer insisted. He took several hours. it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down" ********* A blonde is overweight.

" replied the blonde. "I'll tell you. "Why. "No. I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. that's amazing!" the doctor says. Riddles What two things can you never eat for breakfast? -Lunch and Dinner If you have it. What is it? -A secret What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank? -A stream Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. you don't have it. How would you survive? -Quit imagining! What has to be broken before it can be used? . though. you mean?" said the doctor. If you share it. you want to share it." "From hunger. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. from skipping.When the blonde returns. she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

when they get knocked unconscious? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? If a parsley farmer is sued.-An egg Ponderisms What do little birdies see... is anything written on their signs? If a mute swears. do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest. can they garnish his wages? When sign makers go on strike. Funny Puns and One-Liners Corduroy pillows are making headlines . but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Humpty Dumpty Same old grind. is he still wrong? What's another word for synonym? If the cop arrests a mime. does his mother wash his hands with soap? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him.

it's a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse He had a photographic memory that was never developed If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds? The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large Acupuncture is a jab well done Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion If you don't pay your exorcist. it's an I for an I What's the definition of a will? (Come on. Fruit flies like a banana .the same mustard as before When two egotists meet. will you get repossessed? Time flies like an arrow.Every morning is the dawn of a new error Dijon vu .

I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?" "Yea. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: Well. at least I don't have cancer" . My son swallowed a razor-blade. *********** Doctor: "I've got very bad news ." ************ Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. might as well give me the bad news first.Without geometry.you've got cancer and Alzheimer's" Patient: "Well. life is pointless Doctor Jokes "Doctor. I shaved with the electric razor. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. Doctor: The lab called with your test results." "Don't panic. please hurry.

" 1000 B. said the client. "Can you tell me how much you charge?".D." 2000 A. ." 2000 B. isn't it?" "Yes it is". eat this root."That potion is snake oil. . I have an ear ache."That prayer is superstition.********** A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor. the lawyer replied." 1850 A.D. "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep."Here.C. "Of course". swallow this pill.C. . eat this root!" Lawyer Jokes A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. . drink this potion. take this antibiotic. .D." 1940 A. said the lawyer."That antibiotic is artificial."That pill is ineffective. "And what's your third question?" *************** . say this prayer. Here.D." 1985 A. ."That root is heathen.

*************** What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny. •you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written. Doctor & Computer Humor Need a Scout? Just one political joke.. and nobody else thinks they're jokes ************** You Might Be a Lawyer if. •you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.. •when you look in a mirror." you cross-examine her. A good lawyer can make it last even longer. •you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.. •you are charging someone for reading these jokes. you see a lawyer. More lawyer laughter It would be a best seller indeed Miscellaneous .. •your other car is a BMW. •when your wife says "I love you.What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.

bark." The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. and says 'take what you want'. "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up. can you write in the dark?" "I think so." the second engineering student says. wow!" ************ ." Teacher: "Bark. "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?" "Well.An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. wow. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit. Impressed." *********** Teacher: "Sam. hops off the bike. he asks. rips off all her clothes." ************ "Dad." Sam: "Bow. what is the outside of a tree called?" Sam: "I don't know. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card. Sam.

"I can't do anything about this . I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. 75% of it is working . "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." said the orangutan. the manager shouts. it would fix itself.let's ship it!" . "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again. pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. Eats shoots and leaves. "Hey man.it's a hardware problem. In surprise he asked the ape. They get out of the car and look at the problem. sits down and orders a sandwich." The hardware manager says. "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well.the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species." *********** A software manager. "Hey.One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -. "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager." The marketing manager says. He eats the sandwich. The software manager says. a hardware manager. and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows." *********** A panda walks into a restaurant. As the panda stands up to go. characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

and start to run." ********** Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. He can fire an arrow. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"! *********** Heaven and Hell .*********** What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond? -One of them eventually matures and earns money *********** Musician: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so. The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. he gets there before the arrow". I tell you. The first one says: "Well. my father runs the fastest.

In Heaven: The cooks are French. . In Hell: The cooks are English. The lovers are Italian. The mechanics are German. The policemen are English. The bankers are Italian. The mechanics are French. The policemen are German. The bankers are Swiss. The lovers are Swiss.

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