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Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others. Examples: Assertive communication involves the use of "I" statements, such as "I need some help preparing dinner for our guests this evening.
What IS assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.
So why use assertive communication?
All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggr essive behaviour. Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.
The advantages of assertive communication
There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:
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It helps us feel good about ourselves and others It leads to the development of mutual respect with others It increases our self-esteem It helps us achieve our goals It minimises hurting and alienating other people It reduces anxiety It protects us from being taken advantage of by others It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative
There are, of course, disadvantages...
Disadvantages of assertive communication
Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.
What assertive communication is not...
insinuating. moaning. accepting. I don't like having to repeat information. deceiving. and spontaneous Characteristics of assertive communication There are six main characteristics of assertive communication.Assertive communication is definately NOT a lifestyle! It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. arrogant. as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront. 1. well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable. opinionated. where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say The importance of "I" statements Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. . and overbearing indirect aggression: sarcastic. intolerant. and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. Strong "I" statements have three specific elements: y y y Behaviour Feeling Tangible effect (consequence to you) Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. identifies the effect of behaviour. responsible. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique. These are: y y y y y y eye contact: demonstrates interest. It is a v ery useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements. bulldozing. 2. These types are: direct aggression: bossy. ambiguous. shows sincerity body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis voice: a level. These indicate ownership. but at least it's NOT being aggressive. You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. manipulative. It's definately NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone. as I see it." Six techniques for assertive communication There are six assertive techniques . do not attribute blame. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition. Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how you want to look and sound. and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others. focuses on behaviour. and is not intimidating timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact content: how. and guilt-inducing submissive: wailing. helpless. is direcdt and honest. four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. honest. and apologetic assertive: direct. Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps. indecisive. But it IS about choice Four behavioural choices There are. passive.let's look at each of them in turn. and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments. "So you think/believe that I am not interested?" 5. "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions. You should accept your errors or faults. consider a workable compromise with the other person. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say. but not apologise. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism. would you take this brochure and think about it?" "Yes. So what about meeting in half an hour?" Conclusion Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. Instead. It's application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question. I'm not interested" "I really have a great range to offer you" "That may be true. An example of this could be. However. without getting anxious or defensive. but I'm not interested at the moment" "Is there someone else here who would be interested?" "I don't want any of these products" "Okay.Example: "I would like to show you some of our products" "No thank you. An example of this technique would be. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious. 4. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably. and without rewarding manipulative criticism. THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE.W." 6. Remember. your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others. "Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal. There's also no guarantee of success. nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W. "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. use the information if it will be he lpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest. even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately. agree that there may be some truth to what they say. I will take a brochure" "Thank you" "You're welcome" 3. An example would be. Ziege How to Communicate Assertively: Speak Up Appropriately . "Yes. if the end goal involves a matter of your self -worth and self-respect. negative feelings to improve communication. but remain the judge of your choice of action. clarify your understanding of those criticisms. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. this also reduces your critics' hostility. An example of this technique would be. you're right.
Learning assertiveness will give you and those around you an easier time. How Assertiveness Helps Communication Working on a psychiatric intensive care unit.Almost anyone can stand to learn to be more assertive. I define assertiveness as: actively and appropriately communicating one¶s goal. In my role on the unit. aggressiveness. if you want to go to bed because you have to take a test early in the morning. to threatening me. how do you let your friends or family know your goal? If you feel strained financially by your partner¶s spending. Learning to be more assertive has the potential to drastically improve relationships for anyone. you are probably not the best communicator you can be. So I view assertiveness. I must react assertively many times in a single shift just to set expectations and handle inappropriate behaviors. Whether you have a tendency to communicate passively and let others walk over you. These behaviors range from calling me names. assertiveness is better in the end. how do you approach him or her to let them know your goal? How do you let your partner know you want sex . Assertiveness is the healthiest of these communication types and is the most likely to help you achieve your goals. hitting. straightforward. and passiveness as functions of working toward a goal. I believe assertiveness is one of the most important concepts I teach. Think about how you let others around you know what your goals are. which includes educating patients. I see and have to deal with things I am not creative enough to make up. Assertiveness can allow you to practice active and appropriate communication. Communicating effectively is imperative to reaching goals when interacting with others. or you have a tendency to bully others with aggressive pushy communication. For example. and appropriate. Communication becomes simple. yelling. and spitting. Although aggressive and passive behavior may temporarily allow one to reach a goal.
´ Assertiveness Chart: Comparing and contrasting Communication Styles Click to Enlarge Image Benefits of Assertive Communication . I can¶t believe you bought all that crap. We all use different communication styles at different times. it isn¶t important. You always mess things up.more or less? These are questions to ask yourself to get headed in the right direction toward assertiveness.´ Passive: ³Oh well. Passive. you may have a better time controlling your aggression at a church function than at home. The goal in the situation is to keep a partner from spending too much money outside the budget.´ (Or doesn¶t bring the issue up at all) Assertive: ³I would like to know a good time we could talk about the budget. but we may have a tendency to exhibit one style more than another. After a while this becomes habitual. Aggressive means actively but inappropriately communicating one¶s goal. Passive means inactively or ineffectively communicating one¶s goal. Our behavior may be related to the context of the situation such as who is involved and the location of the interaction. So if assertiveness is actively and appropriately communicating one¶s goal. then the other styles must be something else. Examples of Communication Styles: Aggressive. Therefore assertiveness and passiveness mainly differ in whether the person takes an active role or not. And assertiveness and aggressiveness differ in how the action toward a goal is carried out. and Assertive Here is one situation with three possible responses. For example. Aggressive: ³You idiot. I am concerned. You¶re selfish.
. but don't expect it to happen over night. Exceptions for just about any behavior are possible. Do just that and get away when possible. but I find that with practice verbal assertiveness usually avoids escalation. you may get quick improvements in communication. This gives you time to think about any responsibility you may take on if you say yes. It is hard work to communicate assertively. I would like« I am worried about«´ are not arguable because no one can argue against you ³feeling´ a certain way or ³thinking´ at certain way. ³I will have to get back with you about that.´ Th is is a great statement for those who have difficulty saying no. If you are getting abused with no way to avoid the situation your goal should be to protect yourself. It is assertive to say. With time. ³I´ statements that start with ³I feel. In this way you have not become aggressive.. ³I disagree. and you have to be aggressive?´ I respond. the best assertive response is usually. you will likely shock those around you who expect you to either behave aggressively or passively. It's magic is in it's contagiousness. assertive communication is magical. and may allow the other person to save face or take responsibility before becoming emotional. ³Assertively hit them back.Arguing is not an issue between people using assertiveness. When you make the choice to be assertive.´ Keep in mind you don¶t have to agree. If you are used to arguing with someone and suddenly try this. ³I realize that you are not ready to talk with me and I respect that and I know I can¶t make you. ³I will continue this discussion when we both agree not to name call. The statements are not offensive and many times non-debatable.´ If you are unsure what to say. What Happens When You are Assertive Some people might tell you that assertive communication isn't magical and that it doesn't always get you what you want.´ Or for the passive person.´ What I really mean is by definition assertiveness involves appropriately and actively communicating one¶s goal. Your family will begin to get used to your new healthy way of communicating. For example. If the other person becomes aggressive or passive you can continue with ³I´ statements. . you can't get away. I will be ready when you decide to talk. and they will likely follow your better example. though. These "I" statements make for great conversation openers because blame is avoided. Patients sometimes ask me ³What if someone is beating you up. your assertive behaviors will "rub off" on those around you. Relationships and communication will improve over time. While it's true that you won't always get what you want. only appropriately defending yourself and setting boundaries.
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