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THE FIVE STAGES OF GAY by Kirk Shimano

(Refrigerator Scene)

INT. DEREK’S KITCHEN Derek steps out from behind the camera. DEREK Thanks, Mom. I think I got some, like, good footage there. MOM You’re not still making a documentary about poor people, are you honey? DEREK I dunno, Mom. I guess that would require, like, some pretty deep denial, or something. MOM Well, I think... She’s interrupted by the ring of the doorbell. MOM (CONT’D) Oh my goodness! It’s here! It’s here! What is? DEREK

MOM Well, you know how much trouble that old refrigerator has been giving us? Well come, come take a look! She grabs his hand and they run to the doorway. She flings open the front door with a flourish to reveal three deliverymen struggling beneath a bright, silver monolith. MOM (CONT’D) Say hello to...THE FRIDGEMASTER 3000! INT. DEREK’S KITCHEN - LATER The Fridgemaster 3000 now occupies an entire wall of Derek’s kitchen. His mother thanks the deliverymen profusely as they hobble away, rubbing sore shoulders and weak knees.

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Derek sits at the kitchen table with an open math book. He spends more time staring out into space than he does completing any calculations. There are stacks of slowly perishing un-refrigerated food items around him. Derek’s mom picks up a thick instruction book. The front panel of the Fridgemaster 3000 has more buttons than a nuclear reactor. She puts down the instruction book and holds down two buttons on the Fridgemaster. She jumps back when it BEEPS loudly, then launches into the 1812 Overture, fully rendered cannon fire and all. Derek’s mom claps her hands together and squeals. The Fridgemaster 3000 begins to speak in a robotic female voice. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 HELLO. I AM THE FRIDGEMASTER 3000. Derek’s mom taps his shoulder and points excitedly at the Fridgemaster 3000. MOM (over-enunciating) Hel-lo. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY! MOM I...am...doing...fine. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 I AM VERY GLAD TO HEAR THAT. PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR FOODSTUFF. Derek’s mother rummages around the table. She emerges with a small container of hamburger meat. She opens the door of the Fridgemaster and places the container inside. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 (CONT’D) WHAT ARE YOU REFRIGERATING? Meat. MOM

FRIDGEMASTER 3000 IS THIS MEAT PORK, BEEF, OR LAMB? Derek’s mother claps her hands together once again. MOM Oh my! How specific! This...is....ground....beef.

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FRIDGEMASTER 3000 GROUND BEEF. ACCEPTED. ADJUSTING TEMPERATURE ACCORDINGLY. WHAT ARE YOU REFRIGERATING? MOM That’s....all...for....now. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY. Derek’s mom looks at her new appliance, beaming with joy. She turns towards the kitchen table and frowns. MOM Oh no, this will never be enough to make use of all this fridge space! I need to do some more grocery shopping. She digs through the clutter on the kitchen table for her car keys. MOM (CONT’D) Derek, could you please put all of this food in the Fridgemaster while I’m gone? I wouldn’t want any of it to go bad. She leaves before he can refuse. The GARAGE DOOR can be heard in the distance. Derek stares at the wall. He flips idly through the pages, not really reading anything. Derek jumps when he hears a voice behind him. HELLO. FRIDGEMASTER 3000

Derek shakes his head. He turns back to his math book again and tries to concentrate. HELLO. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 (CONT’D)

Derek shrugs to himself as he turns to the kitchen appliance. Hello. DEREK

He picks up a bag of onions from the counter and opens the door of the Fridgemaster 3000.

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FRIDGEMASTER 3000 WHAT ARE YOU REFRIGERATING? DEREK Looks like onions. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ARE THESE YELLOW ONIONS, WHITE ONIONS, OR GREEN ONIONS? DEREK Ummm...they look kinda...like, brown? FRIDGEMASTER 3000 THAT IS NOT A VALID OPTION. ARE THEY YELLOW ONIONS, WHITE ONIONS, OR GREEN ONIONS? DEREK White? I guess. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 WHITE ONIONS. ACCEPTED. Derek sits back down. He accidentally kicks the table leg, causing a head of lettuce to drop onto the floor. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 (CONT’D) WHAT ARE YOU REFRIGERATING? Lettuce. DEREK

FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? Derek stares at the machine incredulously. What? DEREK

FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? DEREK I don’t know. He puts the lettuce into the vegetable crisper and slams it shut.

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FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? DEREK I told you I don’t know. How am I supposed to know that? FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? DEREK Does it really matter? Do we really need to know exactly what kind of lettuce it is? FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? DEREK (suddenly angry) It’s lettuce! Just lettuce! Why does it have to be anything else? He kicks the door shut and sinks back against the machine. It HUMS ominously until it repeats. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 ICEBERG, ARUGULA, ROMAINE, BUTTERHEAD, OR LOOSELEAF? DEREK Stop! I don’t know, okay. I know what my options are, I just don’t know. Derek sinks his head into his hands. The Fridgemaster emits a few BEEPS and BOOPS before continuing. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 STOPPING REFRIGERATION QUERY. FETCHING OPTIONS. VOICE SELECTION. WOULD YOU LIKE THE VOICE OF JANE (switches to a robotic masculine voice) OR THE VOICE OF BOB. Derek looks up at the sound of the new voice. DEREK What was that?

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FRIDGEMASTER 3000 (returning to the female) DO YOU WANT THE VOICE OF JANE (back to male) OR THE VOICE OF BOB. DEREK (slowly) I prefer Bob. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 (back to the male voice) USING BOB’S VOICE. IS THIS CORRECT? Yes. DEREK

(he stands up and faces the Fridgemaster) Yes, I think it is. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 VOICE CHANGED. ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH THIS CONFIGURATION? DEREK I’m not sure. No. No, I don’t think so. FRIDGEMASTER 3000 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE? DEREK Everything. One thing. I... He stops when he hears the RUMBLE of the garage door. He quickly resumes his seat at the table, trying to remember the position he had left his math book in. Derek’s mother scurries into the room, her car keys still in hand. MOM Got halfway to the market and realized I should probably bring my shopping list for next week. You didn’t happen to see it around here? She shuffles around some papers on the counter. She stops and puts her hand to Derek’s forehead.

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MOM (CONT’D) Something wrong, honey? You look a little pale. DEREK Oh, no. It’s just. Mom...I think my documentary needs to be about, like, something else. MOM And what’s that hun? DEREK I don’t know. It’s just, well, I definitely realize that we’re not, like, poor anymore. MOM Well, I’m sure you’ll find something. She kisses him on the forehead and then leaves back for her car. Derek’s face contorts with stress. He starts to kick the refrigerator. He picks up a head of lettuce from the counter and tears it up leaf by leaf.