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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"The Gang Runs a Marathon"

WRITER'S DRAFT: 11/25/2020


2nd DRAFT
COLD OPEN

TITLE: 9:30 PM

TITLE: On a Saturday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

MAC (V.O.)
No. I call total bullshit.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Yeah, I’m with Mac on this one.

DEE (V.O.)
I most definitely can!

MAC (V.O.)
Bull. Shit! Will tell you her, Dennis?

FADE IN:

INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT - N/1

Mac and Charlie hang off their stools as Dennis wipes down a
cocktail shaker behind the bar.

Dee stands in front holding a paper with “215” printed on it.

DEE
Yes, Dennis. Will you tell them that I
can do this?

DENNIS
Actually guys, I’d listen to her. The
only thing the Reynolds twins do
better than running is looking cool.

He checks is reflection in the shaker and flicks a curl of


hair back with a smirk.

DEE
Damn right! Up top!

She reaches to Dennis for a high-five. He refuses with a grimace.

DEE
Too much? Yeah, me too.

CHARLIE
Yeah, lookin’ real cool, Dee.
"The Gang Runs a Marathon" 2.

MAC
I don’t give a shit what you say. With
your top-to-bottom ratio, there’s no
way those chicken legs could hold you
up for twenty six miles.

CHARLIE
Twenty six miles! Why would you run
twenty six miles?!

DENNIS
That’s how long a marathon is, dude.

CHARLIE
Oh shit! What’s a marathon?

The others take a moment to stare dumbfounded, then move on.

DEE
Top-to-tall-- I do not have chicken
legs! I am in the best condition of
my life.

MAC
You were in a giant steel cage for
most of your childhood, so God kind of
set a low bar for you to begin with.

DEE
As if you have room to talk. Weren’t you
just like a hundred pounds overweight?

DENNIS
Jesus Dee, get with the times. That
was years ago.

DEE
So was the aluminum monster!

She checks herself out in the mirror behind the bar.

DEE
Now, tell them how good I look,
Dennis. Tell them I look good.

DENNIS
(to the group)
She does look the best she has in years.
(hushed, to Dee)
You’re making us look bad, you bitch.
Just go stand in the corner while I
defend the family honor that you’re
besmirching.
"The Gang Runs a Marathon" 3.

DEE
I don’t care what any of you sons-of-
bitches say. I look damn good!

FRANK (O.S.)
Yeah, for a bird!

Frank slides through the entrance.

MAC & CHARLIE


Hey-o!

FRANK
Hey-o!

He hops onto a stool near Charlie.

FRANK
What’re we talkin’ about? Who’s the
target?

DEE
No one is the target. Don’t worry about
it. Everyone can just shut up now.

FRANK
Don’t you dare keep me out of the loop!

He pulls his revolver out of his belt.

FRANK
What did I say I’ll do if you keep me
out of the loop?!

MAC & CHARLIE


(recite)
You’ll burn down Paddy’s with us
gagged and bound inside.

FRANK
Damn right! Now include me.

Frank bangs the gun on the table.

DENNIS
It basically is nothing. Dee and I are
running the marathon tomorrow and
these two don’t believe we can do it.

Mac sits up in his seat, excited.

MAC
Wait, Dennis. You’re doing it?
"The Gang Runs a Marathon" 4.

DEE
Whoa, hold up. What the hell do you
mean “Dee and I”?

DENNIS
(to Mac)
I’m going to answer her question first
because she seems less desperate and
needy.
(to Dee)
It is precisely what I said. I’m
running the marathon with you so you
don’t ruin our name again. Keep up.

FRANK
Marathon, huh? That could be fun a gag.

DEE
It’s not a goddamn gag! It’s a serious
thing that I am taking very seriously.

CHARLIE
I still don’t totally understand what
it is so count me out.

DEE
You weren’t ever counted in!

FRANK
Screw it. I’m in. Who do I bribe to
let me in?

DENNIS
Frank, you can’t be serious. A marathon
for young, fit people like us is damn-
near impossible. For someone like you?
Please be serious.

FRANK
You ain’t that young. Besides, I can
take care of myself. Don’t you worry
about me.

DENNIS
I would never.

FRANK
Good, so it’s a new Reynolds family
tradition.

DENNIS
You’re making me want to do this less.
"The Gang Runs a Marathon" 5.

MAC
Aw wait, now Frank is doing it too?
You guys can’t leave me alone.

DEE
(stammers)
No... C’mon... Just... This is my thing!

CHARLIE
Let Dee her have her telethon. Mac and I
can just watch from the sidelines and--

MAC
(lightbulb, interrupts)
No, wait! I have an idea to make it
interesting.

DENNIS
Pushing our bodies to the brink of human
exhaustion is not interesting enough?

MAC
No, not at all. Hear me out. We all
enter the marathon, me and Charlie
verse you and Dee. Whichever team wins--

CHARLIE
What about Frank?

FRANK
Yeah, what about Frank?

DEE
No! Stop it right there, you dickbags.
I am doing this by myself, and there’s
no way in hell I will ever let any of
you sign up for this goddamn marathon!

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