A Day in The Life Of A Door To Door Salesman

By Oliver Fowls Version 1.0

[ACT ONE] [Int, Sales Office] The SALESMAN turns up breathless, sweat dripping from his forehead after sprinting from his car parking space some distance away to the main office of WANT MORE™, a company that specialises in door to door sales. BOSS You’re late! The SALESMAN forlornly enters the office, blinking and choking a little on cigar smoke which is almost solid in density. We see the BOSS, a balding, sweaty fat man with thick cigar hanging from his mouth pumping vast quantities of noxious smoke into the air. He looks like the by-product of every vice distilled into one man. SALESMAN: (Coughing a little) I got caught up in traffic... Uh… it won’t happen again Boss! BOSS My God you’re useless! The SALESMAN stares blankly, a little taken aback. His face appears drained and ashen; he’s had late nights and heavy drinking for the last three weeks. BOSS: Your recent sales figures have been absolute shit! I know you’ve only just divorced and both your folks died last week but… (Tense silence) BOSS: …to put it bluntly I don’t care. I dislike you intently. I think you’re a no good useless bum. SALESMAN: (Weakly) But… BOSS: (Talking over any replies) Unfortunately I can’t fire your ass because of how I feel, but I can for poor performance! Now, if you don’t sell two hundred units of Ultra Bondex superglue you’re fired!

SALESMAN: But that stuff never sells! BOSS: Hell! I never said I was gonna make it easy. So you (grabs hold of SALESMAN) better get out there (forces him toward the door) and make those fucking sales!

[Act Two] [Ex. Suburban Street] SALESMAN is pounding the streets peddling Ultra Bondex superglue and failing miserably. (SALESMAN rings doorbell) ECCENTRIC HOMEOWNER Helloooo? SALESMAN Hi there! Can I interest you in this fantastic new product? (Pulls out a pack of superglue with a flourish) New Ultra Bondex solves all your worries! ECCENTRIC HOMEOWNER (Screaming)NOOOOOO! (Slams Door, we hear the sound of many, many latches and locks being put into place) The SALESMAN appears a shocked and open mouthed, perhaps even says ‘Huh?’ [Cut to a montage of doors being slammed, the SALESMAN giving his sales pitch etc with voiceovers like: SALESMAN: Hi! SALESMAN: God Morning! SALESMAN: How would you like… Mad Homeowner: Get off of my property! (Fires shotgun)]

Dissolve to: [Int, American Diner] The SALESMAN is at a pay phone calling ‘JOE on the Phone’ His best and only ‘friend’. (SALESMAN puts a quarter in the phone and dials, all the while looking frustrated) JOE(V/O through phone) Speak! SALESMAN Uh... Joe? JOE If it isn’t Mr Awesome himself, what the hell do you want? SALESMAN Joe I need help, I’ve got to sell two hundred packs of Super Bondex by the end of the day or I’ll lose my job (becoming a little deranged) and and I can’t lose my job Joe I Can’t! I’ll be home less and… JOE (Cuts across) Whoa Whoa Whoa! Chill out! How many you sold? SALESMAN umm… about... uh... twenty? JOE Jeez…uh, try the circus, they came into town a few days ago (Hangs up) SALESMAN (talking to dialling tone, happier) Thanks JOE!

[ACT THREE] [Ex. Circus Caravan parking area, EARLY EVENING] The SALESMAN is approaching the circus performers in their caravans but not having huge success in selling the superglue (Salesman knocks on a caravan door) CLOWN ONE Hello? SALESMAN Uh… Hi… Can I interest you in some ultra bondex superglue? It’s clinically proven to… CLOWN NO! Gettoutta here ya bum! The CLOWN squirts the SALESMAN in the face with a flower on his lapel. The spray is quite powerful, yet short. The SALESMAN leaves to find another caravan and knocks on the door CLOWN TWO Yes? SALESMAN Hello, I’m representing Ultra Bondex Superglue, I wonder if you would be interested in… The CLOWN points to a sign next to the door which reads NO SALESMEN NO LEAFLETS NO LETTERBOMBS SALESMAN Ah, I apologise As the SALESMAN turns to leave the CLOWN throws a cream pie at him, hitting him square in the back of the head. The SALESMAN stops, visibly suppressing anger and then continues walking away when

The SALEMAN’s mobile phone goes off BOSS So do I get to fire your ass now? How many you sold? SALESMAN Uh… twenty five? BOSS That’s even worse than I though you could do. Get your useless ass over here so I can take your badge and briefcase! The BOSS hangs up abruptly. The SALESMAN slowly takes the phone from his ear and looks at it, his face inscrutable. After a few moments on of his eyes starts ticking, suddenly he hurls the phone to the floor where it smashes. A tiny piece of the phone flies back and leaves a small cut under one eye. The sudden shock of being cut becomes the last straw and his face positively mutates into the face of pure rage for a few moments before again returning to an almost deadpan expression. His eyes give away the pure hellfire raging within as he power walks away. Each step is pronounced with a sharp snap as he slams his feet to the ground, quickly but powerfully. [Int. BOSS’s office, late evening] The BOSS is talking on the phone reclining in a well stuffed executive chair with a stiff drink in hand, his customary cigar protrudes obscenely from his mouth blasting the same inhuman quantities of smoke into the already dense atmosphere of the small space. BOSS …I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I take his badge and briefcase. The SALESMAN quietly enters the building and appears at the doorway to the office. The BOSS is facing the opposite way resting his feet on the desk. BOSS The best part is that his wife left him for me! HA HA HA HA! Upon hearing this the SALESMAN steps up to the desk, still unseen and slams his briefcase on the desk with an almighty crash. The BOSS is nearly frightened to death, his feet slide off the desk and he spins round in his

chair to face the SALESMAN who has opened his case and pulled out a canister/tube of ULTRA BONDEX 7XL, an obscenely large, pressurised tube of superglue which looks similar to a hypodermic needle, sans needle, but with a red button on the back to release the adhesive. The SALESMAN rams the application end of the product into the gawking mouth of the BOSS whose eyes widen in fear. The SALESMAN throws a punch at the BOSS, hitting the red button on the superglue which releases the entire contents of the tube into the BOSS which kills him almost instantly. The SALESMAN walks out of the BOSS’s office to the door out of the building, pauses briefly, tears his namebadge off to casually throw it into a nearby trashcan. Standing a little taller than before he leaves. END

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