MISS DIAL written by David H.

Steinberg

Iron Triangle Productions, Inc. 477 Hillside Lane Santa Monica, CA 90402 (310) 454-7946

WHITE PAGES - 8/23/10 BLUE PAGES - 11/11/10 PINK PAGES - 12/1/10 YELLOW PAGES - 1/2/11 GREEN PAGES - 1/9/11

No portion of this script may be performed, reproduced, or used by any means, or quoted or published in any medium, without the prior written consent of Iron Triangle Productions, Inc. © 2011, Iron Triangle Productions, Inc. All rights reserved.

FADE IN: 1 2 OMITTED INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY ERICA DAWSON is an attractive woman sitting in her sweatpants at her desk in her small apartment. She's wearing a headset and reading from a script on her laptop computer screen. ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? SOUP CALLER (V.O.) I just opened a can of your tomato soup and there is a big fat rat turd right in the middle of the soup. ERICA Well, I am very sorry to hear that, sir. I can help you with that today. But first, I just need to verify a few things... Erica is not the least bit fazed by discussing rat poop-she's dealt with a lot worse. ERICA (CONT'D) First, are you sure the foreign particle in question is a rat dropping? While rare, sometimes bits of meat can contaminate our vegetarian soup products-3 INT. SOUP CALLER'S APARTMENT - DAY The soup complainer sits at the kitchen table in front of a bowl of tomato soup. SOUP CALLER It's a rat turd. Do you want me to send it to you? You want to eat it and see if it's a stray piece of prime rib? Or do you want to go ahead and trust me that there is in fact rodent shit in my soup? 3 1 2

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INTERCUT: Erica smiles, amused, but keeps to the script: ERICA That won't be necessary. There is no need to preserve the soup in question. You can go ahead and dispose of it and I can send you a coupon for a free replacement can of soup. How does that sound? SOUP CALLER That sounds pretty goddamn weak. Rats caused the plague you know. I could sue you-ERICA That won't be necessary, sir, and I'm sorry for your inconvenience. She taps something else into her computer and reads the response. ERICA (CONT'D) Because of your extreme circumstances, I can offer you a coupon for a dozen cans of soup, one each month for a year. Would that be satisfactory? The guy thinks it over. He's calmed down. SOUP CALLER Yeah, I guess so. Fine. Whatever. ERICA Great. Let me just take down your information and we can get that right out to you. Erica's expression belies her chipper voice. This is not a long-term career choice for her. 3A 4A OMITTED - Erica fields another call. 3A 4A

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LIGHTBULB CALLER (V.O.) I heard there's mercury in these light bulbs. ERICA There is a trace amount of mercury used in the manufacture of our compact fluorescent bulbs but there is no danger to consumers. Is your bulb damaged or broken? 4B REVEAL the lightbulb complainer is a beefy shirtless man. We 4B can't see what's going on below his waist and he's just staring blankly forward. LIGHTBULB CALLER I don't think so. A beat, then he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 5 - Another call. ERICA ...which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? GLUE CALLER (V.O.) The, um, crazy glue. 5A 6 REVEAL the woman's finger is glued up her nose. - Another... MICROWAVE CALLER The popcorn setting keeps burning my popcorn. 6A ERICA I can help you with that. But first, I need to ask you a few questions. Did you remove the popcorn bag from the plastic wrapper? Oops. MICROWAVE CALLER I need to call you back. 7 - Another... TOILET BOWL CALLER Is the toilet bowl cleaner safe for animals? 7 6A 5A 6 5

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7A Excuse me?

ERICA TOILET BOWL CALLER My dog keeps drinking the blue water and I think it's making him sick. He's foaming at the mouth.

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- Quick cuts of complainers: PICKLE CALLER In my day you could buy a whole barrel of pickles for a nickel! FROZEN PIZZA CALLER This is not as good as delivery pizza-MAKE-UP CALLER How do I know if the make-up is working? (This woman's face is made up like a Saigon whore.)

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TV CALLER This TV gets the same channels as my old TV. - Even quicker cuts... ERICA Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today?

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9A Car wax-9B 9C 9D 9E 9F 10 - Then...

CAR WAX CALLER SHOP VAC CALLER The 18 volt shop vac-BAGEL BITES CALLER Bagel bites-PLANT FOOD CALLER Plant food-HEMORRHOIDS CREAM CALLER Hemorrhoids-DVD PLAYER CALLER The DVD player--

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ERICA Which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? 10A POLITICAL NUTCASE All of them! CPI is working with the Trilateral Commission to brainwash the American public with your frozen foods and your TV's and your foot creams so no one questions the international monetary fund's takeover of our civil liberties. ERICA I can help you with that. 11 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Just then, her cell phone rings. Erica pulls off her headset and gets up from her desk. She presses a button on her computer to go on break and answers her cell. ERICA Hey, hon. What's up? 12 INT. SAM'S BATHROOM - DAY SAMANTHA GRAYSON, Erica's best friend. SAM Not much. What's going on with you? SPLIT SCREEN: Erica walks around her apartment. ERICA Some guy called me a whore today. SAM Wow, how did he know? ERICA Seems I'm also working with the Rothchilds to do something to the Vatican. Come to think of it, it might have been Dan Brown. SAM Did you talk to him? ERICA Him who? 12 11 10A

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SAM Him who. Him Alex. ERICA Not yet. SAM You have to confront him. ERICA It's not that simple. SAM Erica-ERICA I didn't see anything! SAM Sarah saw them together with her own eyes! ERICA It could have been anything. Just because they had lunch doesn't mean they're sleeping together. SAM You poor dumb bastard. ERICA Okay, fine, so what am I supposed to say? "How was your day? Oh, and by the way, are you sleeping with that skank Amanda?" SAM That works for me. ERICA You just don't like Alex because of what he said about your butt. SAM That has nothing to do with it. And by the way, I've never heard any complaints about my ass before. Men have eaten har gow off of this ass. Beep. ERICA Look, it's my boss calling.

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SAM Talk to him. Don't wimp out. Be strong. ERICA Okay, I'll call you later. She clicks over and Sam's split screen is replaced by... 13 INT. MR. KOFFSKY'S OFFICE - DAY MR. KOFFSKY Erica, Donald Koffsky. SPLIT SCREEN: 14 Erica looks nervous. ERICA Hi, Mr. Koffsky. MR. KOFFSKY My computer says you went offline. ERICA I'm taking a break. MR. KOFFSKY You're not scheduled for a break for forty-five more minutes. ERICA I know. I had to go to the bathroom. I think I ate some bad nachos. She winces at that bad impromptu lie. MR. KOFFSKY Yeah, more like you're hungover. ERICA No, Mr. Koffsky, honestly-MR. KOFFSKY Look, Erica, I don't have to tell you we just let go of three more consumer affair reps last week. That means the people who still have jobs have to pick up the slack. More volume means less time for breaks. 14 13

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ERICA I know. I'm sorry. I'll get back online right now. MR. KOFFSKY Good. Because this is a tough economy. A lot of people would kill for your job. ERICA I know. She presses a button on her computer. ERICA (CONT'D) See? I'm back online now. MR. KOFFSKY Then what are you doing talking to me? ERICA Right. She hangs up her cell and puts her headset back on. She goes back to her desk and clicks a button. ERICA (V.O.) (CONT'D) Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? Maybe not the most exciting job but at least it's safe. 15 INT. BLU-RAY CALLER'S HOUSE - LATER The next complaint call. BLU-RAY CALLER I put the blu-ray disc in and then nothing happens for like ten minutes before it starts playing. 16 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY REVEAL Erica is on the toilet. She's memorized this speech: 16 15

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ERICA CPI's Blu-Ray players actually have some of the best load times in the industry but as Blu-Ray is a new technology, advances are being made every day to provide innovative new features, interactive online play, and improved disc access time. BLU-RAY CALLER So you're saying it's supposed to suck? 17 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY 17

Next call. Erica has a facial mask on, complete with cucumber slices on the eyes. ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? LAWNMOWER CALLER (V.O.) Aaahhhh! The lawnmower! Aaahhh! It cut off my toe! Erica bolts upright and the cucumbers fall off. ERICA Sir, you need to hang up and call 911! LAWNMOWER CALLER (V.O.) But this number, aahhh!, it's on the lawnmower! Oh, God. The blood is everywhere! ERICA Are you crazy?! How long have you been waiting on hold?! LAWNMOWER CALLER (V.O.) It hurts! It hurts so bad! I can't feel anything in my foot! ERICA Listen to me! Hang up and call 911! Suddenly, the guy starts laughing. 17A REVEAL it's a teenager on the line, recording the call with 17A a voice recorder.

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LAWNMOWER CALLER You been schooled, lady! ERICA Oh, get a life, you little shit. She hangs up. 18 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Next call. Erica is doing a crossword puzzle. 18A ENGLISH CALLER Why can't we get the Caribbean jerk pizza in the U.K.? I mean, it's not like it's made in the Caribbean, is it? ERICA No, of course not. Our products are being introduced into new markets every day. Check back on our website for availability in your area. 19 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica is painting her toenails. 19A CHICKEN NUGGETS CALLER I found a bone in the chicken nuggets and it nearly broke my tooth. ERICA I can help you with that. 20 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica is playing Wii tennis. ERICA I am so sorry our product didn't meet your expectations. Her cell rings. She checks the caller ID. Not looking forward to this call. Still... ERICA (CONT'D) I will get that coupon out to you right away. Okay, have a great day. Goodbye. She pulls off her headset and picks up her cell phone. 20 19A 19 18A 18

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ERICA (CONT'D) Hey. 21 INT. ALEX'S OFFICE - DAY ALEX SANTIAGO is a handsome guy and he knows it. ALEX Hey, where you been all day? SPLIT SCREEN: ERICA Right here. Working. ALEX You coming over tonight? ERICA I don't know. ALEX What's wrong, baby? ERICA Look, I think we need to talk-ALEX Uh oh, here we go-ERICA No, it's not like that-ALEX What's the matter? I'm not tuning in to your feelings again? ERICA No, it's not that. Look, it's just... I don't know how to say this... ALEX Can we cut to the chase here, babe? ERICA Okay, well, someone saw you with that girl from your work. Amanda something. ALEX Who saw me? Your friend Samantha with the fat ass? 21

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ERICA No. It was someone else. It doesn't matter. But she saw you having lunch with Amanda-ALEX So now I'm not allowed to eat lunch? With someone I work with? ERICA She said it looked suspicious-ALEX Are you kidding me? How exactly do you eat lunch suspiciously? Please educate me. Was I making a shifty eye motion? Did a man in a trenchcoat drop a briefcase at my table? ERICA I think Sarah can tell the difference between a business lunch and... something more. ALEX Okay, you got me. Yes, I've been boning Amanda and I thought that afterwards we'd go have lunch in a public place so everyone could see me groping her tits. Did your friend Sarah see all the used condoms I left in the booth? ERICA Just tell me, are you cheating on me? ALEX I thought you trusted me. ERICA Just tell me. ALEX I can't believe you need me to say it. ERICA So the answer is no? ALEX Baby, I would never cheat on you. You know that.

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Erica is a jumble of emotions. She wants to believe him. She's just not sure. Then... ERICA Okay. ALEX You know, I should be really mad at you right now. Your friend Sam is a real troublemaker. ERICA She's just looking out for me. Just like your friends look out for you. ALEX No, she's a nosy bitch. ERICA She's my best friend. ALEX And I suppose as soon as I hang up you're going to call her and tell her I called her a bitch. ERICA No, I'm not. ALEX Okay, whatever. Look, I gotta jump. Call me later. And with that he hangs up. 22 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica looks at the calls piling up on her computer. The beeping is growing incessant. But she ignores the calls and instead goes back to her cell phone, dialing quickly. ERICA Okay, so he denied everything. Of course. But I'm not sure anymore. Maybe he's telling the truth. Is it possible that the lunch was innocent? I mean, Sarah didn't really see anything incriminating, did she? A long pause. Then: 22

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INT. MIKE'S HOUSE - DAY REVEAL she's talking to MIKE, a muscular guy in his early 20's. MIKE Hello? Who is this?

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INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica turns red. ERICA Oops. I'm so sorry, I must have misdialed. She goes to hang up-INTERCUT: MIKE Hold up. Wait a second. You can't leave me hanging like that. ERICA Excuse me? MIKE Was the lunch really innocent? What did Sarah see? I need details. Erica laughs. ERICA I'm sorry-- It's just some stupid thing-MIKE Where you calling from? ERICA L.A. You? MIKE Fayetteville, North Carolina. ERICA Seriously? MIKE Yes, ma'am. ERICA Wow, that's a pretty big misdial.

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MIKE So you're not going to tell me all the sordid details? ERICA Maybe if I knew you better. Erica laughs. She's just being polite. MIKE What do you want to know? Erica is caught off guard by that. She thinks about it for a moment. This is too weird. Should she? What the hell. She smiles. ERICA Okay, well, first I'm going to need to get some basic information... DISSOLVE TO: 25 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica is still on the phone with Mike. She's snuggled into her couch with a blanket, listening intently. SPLIT SCREEN: 26 MIKE I'm coming back from my second tour of duty. I'm a sergeant in the Army. First battalion, five oh eighth parachute infantry regiment. ERICA I have no idea what that means. MIKE We fight the bad guys. ERICA Yeah, okay, I got that part. So did you ever kill anyone? She laughs, like she's kidding around. But you can tell by Mike's reaction, it's not a funny matter. MIKE Yeah, actually. Erica turns white. 26 25

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ERICA I'm sorry. I didn't mean-MIKE No, it's all right. Mike takes a deep breath. MIKE (CONT'D) This past July, my company was in the village of Joikahr, Badghis Province, when second platoon was ambushed by Taliban militants. ERICA Holy shit. MIKE Yeah, that's what we said. We fought our way out of the village under heavy machine gun and RPG fire for six hours, till we were able to link up with the rest of our battalion. Erica is rapt. ERICA What happened? MIKE We counter-attacked from the east, while Alpha Company attacked in support from the west. We swept across the enemy's flank, completely overrunning them. ERICA Did anyone die? MIKE Yes, ma'am. We killed 33 militiamen that day. ERICA Did you kill anyone personally? Mike is cold as steel. MIKE Yes, ma'am.

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ERICA What about Americans? Did anyone on our side die? MIKE No, ma'am. (beat) Not that day. Erica is filled with emotion. ERICA That's amazing. I don't actually know anyone in the military. MIKE Really? I don't hardly know anyone who isn't. ERICA Well now you do. MIKE Yeah, I guess I do. Erica hears her computer beeping at her. ERICA Listen, I'd better get back to work. MIKE Well, it was nice talking to you. You should misdial more often. She laughs. ERICA Stay safe. MIKE Yes, ma'am. You, too. And with that, they hang up. 27 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Then she thinks about what Mike said for a second and it's kind of overwhelming. She smiles and gets up. Erica picks up a globe from the bookcase and spins it to the Middle East. She squints to read the tiny writing. As she studies the globe, she absent-mindedly puts the headset back on, but the chipperness is gone from her voice: 27

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ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? INTERCUT: 28 POPCORN CALLER I'm calling about your microwave popcorn. Erica is just going through the motions. Her mind is elsewhere. ERICA Great, so what seems to be the problem? POPCORN CALLER Well, it's just a little confusing-ERICA Did you remember to take the bag out of the plastic wrapper? POPCORN CALLER Yeah, that's not it. I'm just trying to calculate the calories in a bag of popcorn. Erica isn't even looking anything up on her computer. ERICA Well, the nutritional information is listed on the package-POPCORN CALLER Right, I know that. It's just it says, "serving size, two tablespoons unpopped, 110 calories." But then it also says, "one cup popped, 20 calories." ERICA Right, most of the oil that goes into popping the corn is not consumed. It just remains in the bag. 28

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POPCORN CALLER No, I got that. Here's my problem. It says a serving size is two cups of popped popcorn and that's 120 calories, and a bag makes six and a half cups popped, but two tablespoons is 110 calories and how many servings are in a bag? Erica just stares at the globe, tracing the country of Iraq with her finger. Clearly, she's not paying attention. ERICA You know what? I am going to have to transfer you to a supervisor on this. I don't want to give you the wrong answer here, so I think we'd better get an expert on the line. Please hold. She pushes a button, takes off her headset, and rubs her brow. 29 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY 29

Erica puts the globe away back on the bookcase then goes back to her desk to take the next call. She looks over at her cell phone sitting on the couch. She shakes her head to clear her mind. She turns back to her computer. The calls are queueing up and making a shrill beeping sound. She turns back to her cell phone. It's beckoning her. The beeping grows louder and louder. Erica is struggling to get back to work. Then... ...she hits a button and MUTES her computer. She takes off her headset, and like a kid playing hookey, she goes over and picks up her cell phone. And as she dials a random number, a smile creeps across her face.

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ERICA Hello? Hi, my name is Erica and I'm calling-- Hello? She puts down the phone. ERICA (CONT'D) Jerk. She dials another number. ERICA (CONT'D) Hi, my name is Erica, do you have a second? I'm not selling anything. Honestly, I'm not trying to get anything from you. 30 EXT. OLD MAN'S HOUSE - DAY An OLD MAN answers. OLD MAN STRANGER Okay, so why are you calling? INTERCUT: ERICA I don't know really. She thinks about that for a second. She's oddly emotional. ERICA (CONT'D) Actually, that's not true. Okay, maybe this is going to sound weird, but I'm calling just to talk to someone. OLD MAN STRANGER You're not sitting in a bathtub with slashed wrists, are you? ERICA No, but I took forty xanax... She laughs. ERICA (CONT'D) Just kidding. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm not even lonely. I'm just trying to... I don't know... "connect" with another human being. Is that so wrong? A beat. Then: 30

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OLD MAN STRANGER No. That's not wrong. In fact, we used to do that all the time back in my day. We used to call it taking a chance. She smiles. ERICA Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Where are you from? OLD MAN STRANGER Born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. ERICA You married? OLD MAN STRANGER Depends. What do you look like? She laughs. OLD MAN STRANGER (CONT'D) Fifty-seven years. Five kids, seventeen grandkids, and one great grandkid, beats me at computer bowling every time. ERICA Ooh, you play Wii bowling? I love Wii bowling. She's made another connection. She snuggles into a ball on her couch and covers herself with a blanket, excited to be starting another real conversation. 31 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica's demeanor is completely different talking to these strangers: she's moving around, full of life, and really focusing on what they're saying. In short, it's real. ERICA What really gets you jazzed? I mean, there's got to be something you just love love, you know what I mean? 31

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INTERCUT: 31A TEENAGE GIRL STRANGER I think I could be an artist. I mean, more like an animator. I really like to draw, like cartoons and scenes and stuff, you know? ERICA Yes! You should do that. Do what you love. TEENAGE GIRL STRANGER But what if, I don't know, I'm not good enough? ERICA Yeah, but what if you are? 32 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica sips a cup of tea, really trying to picture the person she's talking to. ERICA What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you? INTERCUT: 32A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN STRANGER Well, I've never told anybody this before... INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica is eating popcorn. CREEPY GUY STRANGER (V.O.) So... what are you wearing? 34 INT. CREEPY GUY'S APARTMENT - DAY REVEAL the guy is totally naked. 35 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica puts down a handful of popcorn. ERICA Eww. She hangs up. 35 34 32A 32 31A

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INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica is back on the couch, cozy and warm. She talks with a soft voice, one of concern. ERICA How often do you see them?

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INT. MIDDLE AGED WOMAN'S HOUSE - DAY A middle-aged woman sits alone in the kitchen. LONELY STRANGER Not that often. My son lives in Omaha now and my daughter lives with her husband in Tucson. SPLIT SCREEN: ERICA Well, what about during the Holidays? Do you get together then? LONELY STRANGER We used to. But Bob lost his job last Spring and Amy's been working two jobs to make ends meet. They can't afford to take time off to see me. Erica is trying to problem-solve here. ERICA Well, maybe you can go see them. I bet a train ticket to Omaha isn't that much money. LONELY STRANGER No, it's not the money. ERICA 'Cause I could help you out if it's just a train ticket. LONELY STRANGER Oh, sweetie, that's very nice of you. But the truth is, they've got their lives now. I don't want to be a burden. We talk on the phone. That's plenty for me. Erica isn't giving up. She wants to help.

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ERICA Really? Maybe you could surprise them for Christmas-LONELY STRANGER No, no. It's all right. Besides, I've got Henry, my Beardie. ERICA Well, it sounds like Henry is a very lucky dog. Erica is on the verge of tears. 38 SERIES OF SHOTS: 38

Erica is laughing, crying, excited, mad. The full range of emotions. She's connecting with other people and it's a rush. 39 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica is animated, pacing the apartment like a middle-school girl talking to her girlfriend. ERICA I know! Like two people could even fit in that dirty, disgusting space. A beep. ERICA (CONT'D) Hang on. Oh, shit. This is my boss. Look, I gotta go. It was really awesome talking to you. You have my number. Let's talk again some time. Great. She hangs up, steels herself, then: ERICA (CONT'D) This is Erica. Yes, hi, Mr. Koffsky. SPLIT SCREEN: 40 INT. MR. KOFFSKY'S OFFICE - DAY Mr. Koffsky looks annoyed. MR. KOFFSKY What's going on over there? ERICA What do you mean? 40 39

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MR. KOFFSKY Your queue is a mile long and getting longer by the minute. She quickly mutes her computer's beeping. Erica is still scared of losing her job here. ERICA What? No, it's not. My screen is showing no calls. It's been quiet here. I was actually going to call you to ask if the network was down. MR. KOFFSKY Oh, great. Are you serious? You're not seeing all these calls? She unmutes it. ERICA Nope. Oh, wait. There it goes. Now it's back online. I think the system was offline for some reason. I see the calls now. Wow, you were right. MR. KOFFSKY Okay, I guess it's not your fault. I'm glad I called. If you think the network is down again, call me right away. ERICA You bet. Sorry about that. By the way, I think the consumer affairs manual is so dumb sometimes. I got a call from this young girl yesterday who wanted to know how to use a tampon and the script said I had to ask her if she was pregnant. I mean, come on, who wrote this manual? MR. KOFFSKY What are you talking about? ERICA Nothing. Sorry. MR. KOFFSKY Okay then. He hangs up.

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INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica goes back to her desk and puts her headset on.

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The beeping computer is tormenting while across the room, her cell phone silently beckons her. She looks at the computer. Focuses. Ready to take a call. Still... The strangers of the world need her. She's addicted. ERICA One more, then back to work. She whips off the headset, races across the room, and grabs her cell phone with a big smile. ERICA (CONT'D) How about New York City. She dials a number. It rings... then a voice: KYLE (V.O.) Hello? ERICA Hi, you don't know me but I'm not selling anything. I'm not crazy and this isn't a prank call. I'm just calling around today, looking for people to talk to. I'm not lonely or suicidal. I'm just meeting new people over the phone because it's fun to connect with real people for a change. Meet someone new. Maybe make a friend. A long pause as Erica waits to see if this is a connection or a dud... 42 INT. KYLE'S APARTMENT - DAY A man's back is to the camera. As he turns, we see that KYLE McAVOY is a gorgeous guy, basically any girl's dream. He considers Erica's pitch... KYLE What's your name? SPLIT SCREEN: Erica smiles. 42

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ERICA Erica. KYLE Kyle. ERICA So what do you want to talk about? Most embarrassing secret? Childhood memories? What's the most famous movie you've never seen? Kyle laughs. KYLE How long have you been doing this? ERICA Doing what? KYLE Calling people. ERICA I don't know. Couple hours. Why? You think I'm crazy? KYLE No, I kind of think it's genius. Erica smiles. KYLE (CONT'D) Tell me about you. Erica flinches. No one has asked about her before. ERICA Me? What do you want to know? KYLE I don't know. What do you do? ERICA I'm in consumer affairs for CPI. It's like customer service. Actually, all the consumer affairs reps are free-lance at CPI so actually I just sit home all day talking on the phone. KYLE Now it's all starting to make sense.

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She laughs. KYLE (CONT'D) So how does that work? The calls just get routed to you on your cell? ERICA No, there's this whole complicated network. Everything goes through my laptop and I have a headset. KYLE Oh, like the Time Life operator? ERICA How old are you? KYLE What? Those commercials aren't that old. ERICA They're from like the 80's. KYLE You knew what I meant. Okay, so why does someone call CPI consumer affairs? ERICA Okay, so you ever notice on pretty much every package for every product in the world there's a little number that says, "Questions? Comments? Complaints?", something like that and there's an 800 number? That's me. I get a call and I ask what product they're calling about and then my computer takes me through a script to deal with whatever question they have. KYLE Like what? ERICA I don't know. Like nutritional information, complaints about something not tasting right. Questions about how to use things. (MORE)

GREEN PAGES - 1/9/11 ERICA (CONT'D) Sometimes it's just really dumb people like this one time, I got a lady who's literally asking how to heat up her can of soup. I go through the usual questions and after like twenty minutes, I figure out she's put the can in the pot.

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KYLE The actual can. ERICA Yes, I had to talk her through turning off the stove and not to touch the hot can till it cooled down. That's why cans now say "empty contents into saucepan." KYLE That's not a real story. ERICA Yes, it is! That totally happened! KYLE So I'm talking to THE "empty contents" girl? ERICA That's me. They laugh. A small pause. Then: KYLE So what do you do for fun? ERICA We don't have to talk about me. Tell me about you. KYLE You don't like to talk about yourself. That's rare. ERICA I don't mind talking about myself. KYLE But deep down you're more of a listener. Erica considers.

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ERICA I never really thought about that before. Maybe you're right. KYLE Ah, but do you really like listening to other people talk or are you just too guarded to talk about yourself? ERICA What, are you going to send me a therapy bill when we're done here? Just ask me whatever you want. Kyle laughs. KYLE Okay, so tell me then, what do you like. What makes you tick? ERICA You mean, is consumer affairs my life's ambition? No. I like to do lots of things-KYLE Like bungee jumping and spelunking? ERICA Well, no. More like watching "Dancing with the Stars" and eating ice cream. KYLE Oh, so you're a thrill seeker. ERICA I do exciting stuff, too! KYLE Like what? ERICA I don't know. Sure, she said "ask me anything" but it doesn't mean she's going to answer. KYLE Come on. What do you do that's exciting? ERICA Lots of things!

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KYLE Like what? ERICA Like archery! Erica feels liberated just admitting that small fact. Kyle looks like he just won a tug of war. KYLE Okay, now we're getting somewhere. ERICA I was almost in the Olympics. KYLE Seriously? In Beijing? ERICA No. In Athens. 2004. I just missed making the team by two points. KYLE Wow, that sucks. So did you try again in 2008? ERICA Well, no. I mostly just did it in college. After I graduated, I guess it just took too much time to go to the range. KYLE So you just gave up. ERICA You make it sound like I'm some sort of quitter. Like I gave up on my life's dream. It was just a hobby. KYLE But you were good at it. ERICA Yeah. KYLE And you liked it. ERICA Yeah. Erica looks a little sad. Kyle changes the subject.

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KYLE Do you have a boyfriend? ERICA I was wondering how long it would take before you asked me that. KYLE Hey, I'm just connecting with another human being here. If we can't be honest with complete strangers than who can we be honest with? ERICA It's complicated. KYLE Ooh, now I'm interested. ERICA Yes, I have a boyfriend. But I think he's cheating on me. KYLE Go on... ERICA Let's talk about something else. KYLE Don't know me well enough to talk about your cheating boyfriend? ERICA Maybe cheating boyfriend and I don't know you at all. KYLE Well, maybe we can change that. Let's see... Star Wars. ERICA Star Wars what? KYLE That's the most famous movie I've never seen. ERICA Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you? Everyone's seen Star Wars.

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KYLE Maybe I've just been waiting for the right person to see it with. ERICA Wow, does that line actually work? KYLE Usually. Beep. ERICA Look, I have to go. My queue is beeping at me. I've got 39 calls backed up and I'll probably get fired when my boss figures out the network isn't really down. KYLE Call me back? ERICA I don't know. There's a lot of other strangers left on my list I haven't gotten to yet. KYLE I've got your number on the caller ID. Can I call you later? Another moment of decision. She's charting new territory here. Erica smiles. She likes this guy. ERICA Okay. And with that, she hangs up. 43 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica is invigorated by the excitement of meeting someone new. She gets up and stretches. She goes to take a drink of water when her cell phone rings. She sees who it is and picks it up. SAM (V.O.) What did he say? 43

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ERICA Who? INTERCUT: 44 SAM Hello? Alex! You said you were calling me back after you talked to him. ERICA Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I forgot. I tried to call you back but I misdialed. I got a wrong number, and well it's kind of a long story, but I've been talking to strangers all day. SAM Don't you do that every day? ERICA No. Well, yes. But these strangers are people I call. I've been meeting people over the phone. SAM What is wrong with you? ERICA It's actually kind of fun. I'm having real conversations with them. SAM Erica, focus. Did you or did you not talk to Alex? ERICA Yes. I did. He said it was nothing and that I was being paranoid. I'm supposed to go over to his place tonight. SAM Are you kidding me? ERICA He said that lunch was business related. SAM Sarah saw them together. It wasn't business related. 44

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ERICA Well, what did he do specifically? I mean, did he kiss her? SAM Are you frigging kidding me? Are you taking his side now? ERICA Well you're obviously biased against Alex. You never liked him-SAM You think I've got some agenda here? I'm your best friend. I'm doing this so you can be happy. ERICA I know. I'm sorry. SAM You deserve someone great. You are a fabulous human being. Alex has never seen that and that's why I don't like him. And that's why you should dump his sorry flat ass. ERICA I know. You're right. It's just... what if he is cheating? I dump him and then what? Start dating again? I just don't know if I can start all over again. SAM I'd rather be alone than be with someone who didn't love me. ERICA Yeah. But Erica's not 100% sure about that one. Beep. Her computer is still going crazy with backed up calls. ERICA (CONT'D) Listen, I've got to take care of some of these calls. I'm seeing him tonight. I'll see how it goes. SAM You better not sleep with him! ERICA No sex. Got it.

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SAM And you better call me afterwards. ERICA Okay, hon. Bye. She hangs up with a smile. But her mood quickly sours when she goes over to her desk and puts on her headset. She taps the computer and puts a call through to her headset. ERICA (CONT'D) Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? 45 EXT. CHEESE CALLER'S HOUSE - DAY CHEESE CALLER Yeah, hi, I'm just calling because the shredded cheese I bought says it's "limited edition cheddar." INTERCUT: 45A ERICA That's right, our New York cheddar shredded cheese is available for a limited time. CHEESE CALLER But why? I mean, I really like it, and it's not like I can stock up. I mean, it's cheese. It's not going to last forever. ERICA Let me check to see when the New York cheddar is available until. She checks her computer. ERICA (CONT'D) Good news, sir. The New York cheddar is scheduled to be available until May 2012. CHEESE CALLER And what happens after that? Can I like petition CPI to continue making the New York cheddar? 45A 45

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ERICA Well, I can take down your information and pass the word on to the people who decide which cheeses to make. If enough people call, I'm sure they'll continue to make it. CHEESE CALLER Yeah, okay. I guess it's worth a shot. ERICA Great, so let me get your information. And we can also send you a coupon for a free bag of New York cheddar shredded cheese for providing us with this valuable feedback. Erica looks over at her cell phone. Nothing. She returns to her customer. 45B INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? 45C INT. LONG STORY WOMAN'S OFFICE - DAY A woman launches into: LONG STORY CALLER Okay, so here's what happened. I was walking my dog Ricky and he had the loose poops. Not like "hose it down" loose, but still... ERICA Okay... LONG STORY CALLER And here's where it kind of went south on me. I bent over to pick it up but you know it's hard to get it all when you're dealing with the loose poops. Oh, and by the way, I'm talking on my cell phone. I forgot to mention that. I'm talking to my friend Amy who is going off on her sister-45C 45B

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ERICA Ma'am, which product are you calling about? LONG STORY CALLER I'm getting there. Okay, so forget about Amy, the point is, I dropped my phone in the poop. I know, totally disgusting, right? But this is a brand new phone. No way I'm buying a new phone just because of a little loose poops. So I picked it up. ERICA With your hand? LONG STORY CALLER I used the poop bag, duh. So I go home and I wash off the phone in the sink. Good as new, right? Yeah, except for a little sensor goes off saying it's been in contact with water, it won't work, my warranty is void, some kind of bullshit. ERICA Ma'am, CPI doesn't manufacture cell phones-LONG STORY CALLER Would you let me finish? ERICA Sorry, ma'am. LONG STORY CALLER I go to the cell phone store. I'm pissed because the guy is telling me there's no way they're fixing it under warranty. Well, there's no way I'm paying four hundred dollars for a new phone. ERICA Ma'am, I really have to ask which product you're calling about. We have other callers waiting-LONG STORY CALLER Excuse me. Is this consumer affairs?

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37B.

ERICA Yes, but-LONG STORY CALLER Well, I am a consumer and I have an affair I would like your help with. ERICA Okay, I'm sorry-LONG STORY CALLER So if you could stop talking and just listen, I will finish my story. ERICA Right, sorry, ma'am. LONG STORY CALLER Anyway, I was so mad, I drove home, and I guess I went through a red light or something and the cop who gave me a ticket said I had road rage. Can you believe that shit? I am like the calmest person I know. So then he does this totally illegal search and he finds some prescription pills. I have a legitimate prescription for my anxiety, only problem is the prescription is made out to Amy, so I get hauled in jail. Can you believe this? Anyway, long story short, I need a lawyer or whatever and I need to know if you can you help me out here. ERICA Ma'am, what does any of this have to do with CPI or its products? The woman stares at the phone, like how could someone be so dumb. LONG STORY CALLER Hello, it was your beef jerky that gave Ricky the loose poops. The woman rests her case. Erica rubs her brow. 46 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - LATER Erica checks her cell phone. No missed calls. 46

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37C.

SERIES OF SHOTS: Erica has a batch of cookie dough. As she handles her queue of callers, the cookie dough is slowly consumed... ERICA No, none of our products contain chlorofluorocarbons. CFC's were banned in the U.S. in 1978. ERICA (CONT'D) No, I did not know that you could use car wax for that purpose. I will pass along your suggestion. ERICA (CONT'D) No, you cannot get swine flu from our pepperoni products. ERICA (CONT'D) CPI changes the design of the box from time to time. You like the picture of the white lady eating the cereal better. Okay, I will pass on your comments. ERICA (CONT'D) Okay, then. We'll get that coupon right out to you. Have a great day.

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She pulls off her headset. The cookie dough is gone and Erica feels sick. She looks longingly at her cell phone. Still no call. She stretches. Then she walks out of frame. Finally, her cell rings. She races back into frame and sees who it is. Her face lights up. She answers. ERICA (CONT'D) Hey. I was wondering how long you could go without talking to me. 47 INT. KYLE'S APARTMENT - DAY Kyle is still drying his hair from the shower. KYLE I know. It's just... Look, I was heading out to the gym when you called before, and-SPLIT SCREEN: ERICA Oh, I'm sorry. I've been wasting your time-KYLE No, that's just it. After you hung up I went to the gym like I planned but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Erica lights up. ERICA Really? KYLE Yeah. How weird is that? I mean I don't even know you but I'm on the treadmill and I'm thinking, screw this, I need to call Erica back. Erica is beaming but she plays it cool. ERICA I have that effect on people. 47

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KYLE I guess you do. ERICA Okay, so... it's your dime. What do you want to talk about now? KYLE "It's your dime"? How old are you? ERICA Ooh, touche. Okay, so you know about my life in consumer affairs. So what do you do for a living, and please let it be something worse than my job. KYLE Sorry to disappoint. I'm an EMT. ERICA Of course you are. KYLE What's that supposed to mean? ERICA EMT? Basically that means you're hot, in great shape, and you actually care about people. Plus, you make more money than a fireman. KYLE Actually, I'm part of the unpaid internship program for indifferent ugly people. ERICA I stand corrected. KYLE Yeah, it's new. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it. ERICA Can I tell you something. Something that might disgust you? KYLE Okay... ERICA I just ate an entire batch of cookie dough and now I feel sick.

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39A.

KYLE Oh, great. Let me guess, you're bulimic. ERICA I wish. No, just fat.

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KYLE That's weird, you don't look fat in your picture. ERICA Wait, what picture? KYLE The one on Facebook. Of you and Samantha dressed in S&M gear. ERICA It was Halloween! Kyle rechecks the picture on his mobile phone app. He furls his brow skeptically. KYLE Sure, it was. Well, at least you were the master. ERICA Yeah, sometimes Sam and I have a little too much to drink and we like to, you know, experiment... KYLE Seriously? ERICA No, you perv! You wish. So what else did you find out while you were cyber-stalking me? KYLE Just wanted to put a face to a voice. ERICA Uh huh. KYLE Okay, I wanted to see if you were hot. ERICA And...? KYLE You passed the test. ERICA That's not fair. I don't know what you look like.

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40A.

KYLE Sure, you do. You already know I'm hot. All EMT's are.

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ERICA Come on. KYLE I sent you a friend request. ERICA Hang on. She clicks her computer. ERICA (CONT'D) Kyle McAvoy. Confirm. Wait, seriously? KYLE What? ERICA Your profile picture is your dog? And sure enough, his picture is of his dog. KYLE What's wrong with that? A lot of people do that. ERICA Yeah, if you're horribly disfigured or in the witness relocation program. KYLE Or you just love your dog. ERICA That's what Dogbook is for! She clicks another button. ERICA (CONT'D) Okay, here's a real picture of you. Oh, great. KYLE Now what's the problem? ERICA You sleep with a lot of women, Kyle? KYLE Excuse me?

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41A.

ERICA You're too good looking to be monogamous. KYLE Wow. I can't believe you just said that. She laughs. Then *BEEP*. ERICA Damn. I have to take some of these calls.

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KYLE Can't you blow them off? ERICA Maybe for a little while. Hang on, let me just check in with my boss. KYLE Okay. I'll hold. 48 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica hangs up and dials her boss. ERICA Yeah, Mr. Koffsky, it's doing it again. The network is down. I'm not seeing any calls. But her computer is beeping again like crazy. She quickly turns down the volume on it. 48A MR. KOFFSKY Goddamn it. All right. Let me see what I can do on my end. If we can't get this figured out, I'm going to need to send the I.T. guy out there to look at your computer. ERICA Well, it's going in and out. I can see calls now. MR. KOFFSKY Okay, go take the call. I'll have them check the server. She swaps calls. 49 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY ERICA So where were we? SPLIT SCREEN: 50 KYLE You were telling me how hot you think I am. ERICA Oh, right. And modest. 50 49 48A 48

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KYLE Tell me, what do you want? ERICA Like right now? I could go for some ice cream. KYLE Didn't you just eat all that cookie dough? ERICA Yeah, and...? KYLE I mean, in life. ERICA Oh, okay. So we're going there? KYLE Yes, we've entered the deep thoughts part of the conversation. ERICA I don't know. What do you want? KYLE We're not talking about me. You keep deflecting. ERICA Okay. I don't know. What does anyone want? Love? Happiness? KYLE I thought you had a boyfriend. ERICA Oh, yeah. I forgot. I mean, I know I want a family. Some day. KYLE Okay, now we're getting somewhere. How many kids? ERICA Maybe three. KYLE They say people want as many kids as they grew up with.

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ERICA That's funny. I have an older sister and a younger brother. KYLE See? Something else occurs to Erica. ERICA I majored in poli sci in college. KYLE Where did you go? ERICA Cal State Fullerton. KYLE SUNY Binghamton. ERICA Okay, so it's not like I wanted to work in Washington or anything. I mean, I'm not that interested in politics. KYLE What are you interested in? ERICA Nothing. KYLE I don't believe that. It says you belong to the unnecessary quotation mark hunters group on Facebook. ERICA Oh, yeah. That shit totally bothers me. Like you see a sign at the register that says, "No checks, please." But it's in quotation marks. Like, "'No checks, please,' said John the owner." KYLE Or it's facetious. ERICA Exactly. So maybe they really do take checks. Kyle laughs.

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KYLE Okay, so you don't love your job. But you can't quit because you don't know what else you want to do. ERICA Exactly. KYLE You should just write a book about the life of a consumer affairs rep. ERICA I totally should. KYLE I'm serious. Tales from the trenches. Most ridiculous stories. Dumbest people. You know. Just all the crazy shit you deal with every day. ERICA You don't even know the half of it. KYLE So let me listen in to one of your calls. ERICA Yeah, right. KYLE No, I'm serious. It's got to be possible to connect me in. ERICA Yeah, it's easy to do, but what's the point? KYLE I'm curious. Besides, I can hear your computer beeping. I know you've got to take some of these calls. ERICA Okay, let's do it. Hang up and I'll call you right back. But be quiet. I can't mute you. KYLE You got it.

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He hangs up. 51 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica puts her headset on and presses a few buttons. ERICA You there? SPLIT SCREEN: KYLE 51A Yup. ERICA Okay, hang on. And don't say anything! KYLE Got it. She presses another button. ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? 52 INT. REFRIED BEAN CALLER'S KITCHEN - DAY It's a rather large woman. REFRIED BEAN CALLER Yes, hi, I'm calling about the refried beans. SPLIT SCREEN: 52A Erica types that into her computer. ERICA Okay. How can I help you? REFRIED BEAN CALLER Well, I'm wondering if you sell beans that are just once-fried. 52B We see Kyle listening in. He nods approvingly. Sounds like a52B good question. ERICA Excuse me? 52A 52 51A 51

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REFRIED BEAN CALLER Well, I'm on a diet so I figured maybe I'd cut back on the refried beans and just buy the beans that are only fried once but I couldn't find them anywhere and the man at the Kroger's said he'd never even heard of once-fried beans. Kyle listens intently. Erica types something into her computer. ERICA I have some good news for you, ma'am. Our refried beans are only fried once. REFRIED BEAN CALLER Then why are they called "refried"? ERICA That's a very common question. Actually, refried beans are not fried and then fried again. It's a mistranslation of the Spanish frijoles refritos. You see, in Spanish, when they put a "re" in front of a word it's just for emphasis, so frijoles refritos literally just means, "well-fried beans." But English speakers assumed the "re" meant "again" like it does in English and mistranslated it to "refried" beans. But rest assured, CPI's refried beans are only fried once, and in fact, our fat-free refried beans aren't fried at all. The woman just stares blankly forward. Then: REFRIED BEAN CALLER So do you make "once-fried" beans or not? Kyle suppresses a laugh. ERICA Yes, ma'am. We just call them "refried beans." REFRIED BEAN CALLER That doesn't make any sense.

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ERICA Well, as I just explained, it's mistranslation from the Spanish-REFRIED BEAN CALLER Whatever. Bitch. And she hangs up. Erica rubs her brow. Then, Kyle pipes up. KYLE Wow, you are a total liar. You have the greatest job on Earth. ERICA What are you talking about? KYLE You get paid to surf the internet for fascinating trivia. ERICA No, I don't. KYLE Yes, you do. You are like a human Googler. If I have a question, instead of just finding out the answer on my own, I just call you up and you look up the answer for me. ERICA I'm just reading from our product page. KYLE Still. I didn't know about refried beans. ERICA I'm sure there's a lot of information about CPI products that might be of interest to you. KYLE Let's do another call. ERICA Okay. Hang on.

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53

INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY She clicks a few buttons and soon... ERICA Welcome to CPI Consumer Affairs, my name is Erica, which one of our fabulous products are you calling about today? SPLIT SCREEN:

53

53A

MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI I'm not sure the name of it. ERICA Okay... Was it one of our food products? MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Yes, they had this cereal on our cruise and Marvin really enjoyed it. ERICA I see. So you want the name of the cereal so you can buy it for your husband Marvin? MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Oh, no. Marvin's not my husband. My husband Leonard has been dead twenty-two years this May, God rest his soul.

53A

53B

Kyle laughs quietly. ERICA Okay, so who's Marvin? MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI None of your business! Nosy. ERICA My apologies, ma'am. Erica chuckles to herself. ERICA (CONT’D) Well, CPI makes several dozen cereals. What did it taste like?

53B

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MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI I don't know. I didn't have any. Marvin couldn't get enough, but I don't care for the cereal. ERICA Well, you're not giving me a lot to go on here. MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI I think it had raisins. ERICA Was it Raisin Bran? MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI I think I'd recognize Raisin Bran if I saw it, young lady. You think I'm an idiot? ERICA No, ma'am. Just trying to nail down this mysterious cereal here. MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI You getting smart with me now? ERICA You know what? Our website has pictures and descriptions of all of our cereals-MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI If I knew how to use all that world wide web business I wouldn't be calling you, now would I! Can you tell me the name of the cereal or not? ERICA Are you sure it was a CPI cereal? Because Kellogg's and Post make some-MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Oh, that's right. Just pass the buck. Pass the buck onto someone else. That's what's wrong with the country these days. Everyone's just trying to pass the buck. Hello! The box said C. P. I. on it. It had raisins. And nuts. Kyle can't keep quiet anymore.

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KYLE Hello, ma'am, this is Sven Jorgenson from CPI Consumer Affairs. I'm Erica's supervisor and I've been monitoring this call. Erica's eyes go wide. ERICA I got this, Sven. KYLE Ma'am. Is the cereal "Harvest Grain Medley"? MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Yes! That was the name! KYLE I thought it might be. ERICA How did you-KYLE I'm so sorry Erica wasn't able to answer your question today. MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI And she's fresh. KYLE Yes, Erica does have a smart mouth at times and I apologize for that as well. ERICA Now wait a second-KYLE As a token of our appreciation for your call and to make up for the poor customer service you received today, we are going to be sending you a brand new CPI microwave oven. MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Really? ERICA No, we're not! KYLE Yes, we are. Just stay on the line and we'll get your information. (MORE)

GREEN PAGES - 1/9/11 KYLE (CONT'D) If you hear a dial tone, that doesn't mean you were disconnected, it just means we're processing your free microwave oven.

52.

MRS. WOJCIECHOWSKI Thank you, Mr. Jorgensen. KYLE No, thank you. Now please hold. Erica rolls her eyes and disconnects the old lady. ERICA That was mean. KYLE She deserved it. ERICA Maybe, but all she's going to do is call back and demand her free oven. KYLE Sorry. I was just having fun. ERICA Well, you can't give away free microwave ovens. KYLE You can't? ERICA They really do monitor some of these calls, you know. And she's got my name. You're going to get me fired! KYLE I thought you hated your job. ERICA Yeah, and I hate being homeless even more. KYLE It was fun, though. ERICA Yeah, fine. And I'm sure it'd be fun to come with you on a ridealong and go through people's wallets while you're trying to revive them.

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KYLE Who told you we do that? ERICA Ha ha. Look, I'm not quitting my job because I have absolutely no marketable skills, okay? KYLE Unless someone's looking for some archers. ERICA Yeah, maybe someone with a moat and unruly barbarian neighbors? KYLE Have you talked to any headhunters about careers in long-bow work? She laughs. KYLE (CONT'D) Hey, did you ever pretend to just be the recording when someone calls? ERICA Oh, sure. All the time. KYLE No, seriously. Like you just go, (recording voice) "press one for more options" or something. Erica is feeling mischievous today. ERICA Let's give it a shot. Hang on. She hangs up her cell and puts on the headset. 54 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica takes another complaint call with Kyle listening in. ERICA For problems or comments with canned goods, press one. For electronic items, press two. For dry goods, like cereals and pancake mix-BEEP. 54

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55

INT. PRANKED GUY'S HOUSE - DAY The unsuspecting caller pressed a button. INTERCUT:

55

55A 55B

Erica can't believe that worked. She has to cover her microphone to keep the caller from hearing her laughing. Listening in, Kyle is laughing as well. ERICA Dry goods. If you are calling because you have found a stone in your stone ground oatmeal, press one. If you have a question about how to use one of our fantastic granola bar products, press two. All other questions or concerns press three. BEEP. The guy is starting to get annoyed. Erica and Kyle are laughing it up. Kyle jumps in with a fake Southern/Nascar accent: KYLE You've reached the CPI bacon hotline. If you have a question or concern about fryin', press one. If you're callin' about how to make your bacon even smokier, press two. Erica is dying here. The guy is not amused. PRANKED GUY Oh, come on. BEEP. The guy presses zero. KYLE You've pressed a wrong button. For questions or comments about giving bacon as a gift, press three. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. The guy presses zero again and again. Erica jumps back on.

55A 55B

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ERICA You've reached CPI consumer affairs. For English, press one. PRANKED GUY Goddamn it, I already did this! BEEP. He presses one. ERICA (English accent) Cheerio. For queries regarding our scones or tea cakes, kindly depress the zed key presently. PRANKED GUY Oh, forget it! He hangs up. The two of them bust a gut laughing. 56 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY When Erica comes to, she takes off her headset, picks up her cell phone, and calls Kyle back. 56A KYLE You see? You've got a career in comedy. You should write about this stuff. Then, mid-laugh, Erica haphazardly lets slip, ERICA I really like you. Oops. That awkwardly silences them. ERICA (CONT'D) I'm sorry, that was weird. KYLE No, it's okay. I like you, too. ERICA I'm totally embarrassed. KYLE Erica, it's no big deal. So you said what you were feeling. So what? But she's still embarrassed. 56A 56

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ERICA Look, can we just talk about something else? KYLE Okay. You ready to talk about your boyfriend? ERICA Yeah, sure, whatever. I guess I know you well enough. KYLE If not, I can give you my social security number... ERICA And your bank statements. Okay, fine, so here's what happened. Alex works at this big pharmaceutical company. He's the regional sales manager and one of the associates on his team is this totally slutty girl named Amanda. KYLE I like her already. ERICA Yeah, well, she knows Kyle is with me, but she still buys him little presents all the time and she calls him on the weekends "just to talk." KYLE So they're friends. ERICA Yeah, right. And I read one of her texts to Alex and she's practically inviting him over for a booty call but when I confronted Alex about it he was just like, "She's just kidding." Like it was some inside joke at the office. KYLE Okay. So maybe they're sleeping together, maybe not. ERICA Then, last Friday, my friend Sarah saw Alex and Amanda together at The Olive Garden and they were--

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57.

KYLE Wait. Hold up. Stop right there. The Olive Garden? Seriously? ERICA Yeah, why? KYLE People really go to The Olive Garden? ERICA Yes, people go there. What does that have to do with anything? KYLE It doesn't. But seriously, those commercials for the Olive Garden, with the Parmesan cream sauce or whatever it is, it totally looks like throw-up. ERICA Yeah, it kind of does. KYLE I mean, I would actually rather eat a plate full of vomit than that cream sauce. ERICA Okay, Olive Garden cream sauce looks like vomit, got it. Did the Olive Garden kill your dog or something? KYLE Like I'd take my dog anywhere near that place. But seriously, if you ever want to try some real Italian food, there's this place on Sullivan Street that makes the best veal parmigiana. ERICA I'm a vegetarian. KYLE Ooh, I forgot, I'm talking to Miss California. So they have eggplant parm as well. It's really good. ERICA Are you Italian or something?

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KYLE No. Scotch Irish but I still can tell the difference between good Italian food and The Olive Garden. ERICA Are you done? KYLE Right, sorry. So your classy boyfriend takes his hot young coworker out for a fine meal of breadsticks and endless salad... ERICA And they're sitting on the same side of the booth, and they're cuddling. KYLE Did they kiss? ERICA No. But you can just tell from their body language that something is going on. KYLE According to Sarah. Who told you this directly? ERICA Well, no. She told my best friend Sam. But she told me directly. KYLE I don't know. Even if what Sarah saw was conveyed accurately, who knows what that means. ERICA So you don't think he's cheating on me? KYLE You want to know the truth? ERICA Of course I want to know the truth. KYLE The truth is, it's over either way. No response.

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KYLE (CONT'D) Look. Say he's cheating on you. That's a no brainer, you dump his ass, unless you want to be that sad middle-aged lady who still thinks she can change her philandering husband. ERICA But what if he's not cheating? KYLE It doesn't matter. You're already with someone you don't trust, you can't talk to, and you don't love, so who cares. ERICA But I do love him. KYLE Oh, my God. Aaarrgh. Are you kidding me? Is your self-esteem so low that you feel like this guy is the best you can do? Are you really so insecure that you don't think you deserve someone better? ERICA Someone like you. Gotcha. KYLE Yeah, okay. Someone like me. ERICA If you're so great, why are you still single? KYLE Oh, great. Yes. If a man is available, then there must be something wrong with him-ERICA That's been my experience.

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KYLE Well, FYI I just got out of a relationship with a woman-- and I use that term loosely-- who was giving blow jobs to strangers for cocaine. And when I ended it, she tried to kill herself. ERICA Wow. You must be a really great judge of character. KYLE Yeah. And by the way, I think she stole my watch. Erica laughs. ERICA I'm sorry. It's just kind of funny. You had no idea she was doing any of this? KYLE Oh, sure. Now it's completely obvious. I mean, why else did she have bloody noses all the time. And herpes. But love blinds you. ERICA Yeah. KYLE P.S. I don't have herpes. ERICA Congratulations. KYLE Yeah, dodged a bullet there. Erica is enchanted with him. Kyle looks earnest. KYLE (CONT'D) Look, I'm sorry. I obviously don't know you that well, but it seems to me that you're either going to demand that people treat you with respect or you're going to get walked on for the rest of your life. Erica slips back in to defensive mode.

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ERICA Yeah, and then what? Say I do everything you're saying. Say I quit my job, I dump my boyfriend, I strip my life down bare to those few things I'm actually proud of. So then what? Then what do I do? Kyle smiles. KYLE Then you hold your head up high and venture out into the unknown. Instead of playing it safe with what you know, you take a chance on what could be. ERICA It sounds so romantic when you say it. KYLE So what's it going to be? A long pause. Then... BEEP. ERICA Oh, my God. This is him. Her pulse quickens. ERICA (CONT'D) I'll call you back. KYLE Good luck. 57 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica presses "swap" on her cell phone to switch over to the incoming call. 57A ALEX I'm heading out, baby. Are you still coming over? ERICA Yes, I mean, I don't know. Look, we need to talk about this. ALEX Oh, Jesus, here we go. 57A 57

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ERICA I think this relationship is in trouble if we can't talk about this situation with Amanda like mature-ALEX Are you finished? ERICA No. I think-ALEX Look, babe. I love you, but this bullshit has got to stop. This is not how I want to spend all my time, arguing with you about shit that didn't even happen. ERICA I just want you to be honest with me. ALEX You want me to be honest? Okay, here's a little dose of reality for you, Erica. I am this close to ending this with you. Erica flinches. That threat actually carries weight with her. ALEX (CONT'D) And then who's going to put up with all your bullshit? I'll tell you. No one. So why don't you just stop all the drama and come over. All right? Bullseye. He hit her worst insecurity dead center. Erica is on the verge of tears. But she's thinking about what he said. And about what Kyle said. She barely ekes out: ERICA All right. ALEX Good. And why don't you pick up some beer on the way over. ERICA Yeah, sure.

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ALEX Cool. I'm sorry I had to be so direct with you but it's only because I love you, babe. I'll see you soon. And with that he hangs up. Erica looks defeated. But even worse, she feels like a coward. She puts down her phone. Then: 57B KYLE (V.O.) That was unexpected. Erica quickly picks up the phone. ERICA Kyle? KYLE Nice job. She turns white. ERICA You were on the whole time? KYLE Yeah. She must have hit "conference" instead of "swap"! ERICA So you heard... I'm so sorry, it's just, I couldn't-KYLE Look. I've got no stake in this. I was just trying to help. But it's your life. ERICA Kyle... KYLE Hey, don't sweat it. I mean, it's not like I know you for real. She's crying now. 57B

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ERICA Yes, you do. I think maybe you're the only one who does. KYLE I'm gonna go now. ERICA Yeah, okay. KYLE Goodbye, Erica. ERICA Goodbye, Kyle. CLICK. And with that, he's gone. 58 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY 58

Erica fights back her emotions as she puts on her headset and staggers over to her desk. She's devastated and can barely function on the call. ERICA Welcome to CPI, my name is Erica, which one of our products are you calling about today? 59 INT. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER'S HOUSE - DAY It's a middle-aged lady. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Yeah, I bought one of your potato shredders and it's totally stuck. INTERCUT: ERICA Excuse me, the what? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER The potato shredder. ERICA The potato shredder. She types that into her laptop. ERICA (CONT’D) I'm not showing any potato shredders manufactured by CPI. Are you sure it's a CPI product? 59

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POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Yup. CPI. Right here on the bottom. ERICA Can you describe the product? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER It's a potato shredder. You know, like for hash browns. ERICA I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing any potato shredder in our products database. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER You put the potato into the shredder, flip a switch, and the hash browns fill up the receptacle. ERICA Okay, so it's electronic? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Yes. It plugs in. ERICA What does the receptacle look like? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Kind of like a garbage can. A lightbulb goes off. Erica rubs her brow. ERICA By any chance does it say, "Cross Shredder"? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Yes! "Cross shredding action." ERICA Ma'am, that's a paper shredder. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER It shreds paper, too? ERICA No, it shreds paper only. You've been putting potatoes into a paper shredder. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER Okay, so how do I get it unstuck?

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Erica loses it. ERICA Seriously? Are you really that stupid? The woman is aghast. POTATO SHREDDER CALLER I want to speak to your supervisor! ERICA You want a second opinion? Okay, you're a moron. How's that? Click. The woman hangs up. 60 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - DAY Erica takes off her headset and checks the clock. Seven p.m. She closes her laptop, done for the day. And with that, she breaks down crying. 61 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica is on the couch in the fetal position crying and hugging a pillow. 62 INT. ERICA'S BATHROOM - NIGHT Erica takes a shower, trying to wash away the pain. 62A INT. ERICA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Erica gets dressed to go out. 63 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Now dressed for the evening, Erica is back on the couch and still sniffling. She stares at her cell phone in her hand, trying to will it to ring. Then it does. A flash of excitement but then she quickly sees it's just Sam calling. ERICA What? SPLIT SCREEN: 63A SAM Well, what happened? 63A 63 62A 62 61 60

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ERICA Nothing. SAM Are you crying?

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ERICA No. SAM What did he do to you? ERICA Who? Alex? Nothing. I'm going over to see him in a little while. SAM Then why are you crying? ERICA It's a long story. I met this guy. Sam is confused. SAM What? When? Where? ERICA On the phone. One of the people I called. It was this really nice guy named Kyle. He's an EMT and I don't know, we just really connected. We talked all day. SAM Oh, my God, this is so romantic. ERICA Yeah, well, don't get excited. First of all, he lives in New York. And second, I totally blew it with him. SAM What happened? ERICA He was on the line when Alex called. SAM Oh, my God. ERICA Yeah, and he heard me totally wimp out and not stick up for myself. Now he thinks I'm a psycho bitch with low self-esteem. SAM So call him back.

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ERICA I can't. SAM Why not? If he's as good as you say he is, he'll give you another chance. ERICA I don't know. Maybe. SAM What have you got to lose? Call him back. Erica's not sure she can. SAM (CONT'D) Go. Do it. Now. ERICA Okay. Okay. She hangs up. 64 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica composes herself, then picks up her cell phone and dials. KYLE (V.O.) Hey, you've reached Kyle, leave a message. Erica tries to think of something to say but she doesn't come up with anything. She hangs up. Then she curses herself and calls again. KYLE (V.O.) Hey, you've reached Kyle, leave a message. She hangs up again. She buries her head in her hands. Then she wipes away a tear and grabs her jacket. She looks defeated. Dispirited. Resigned. She starts to head out to Alex's when suddenly, her cell rings. It's Kyle! She answers it. 64

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ERICA Hello? No answer. Just silence. ERICA (CONT'D) Hello? Kyle? Are you there? But no answer. Just silence. Then... she hears another line ringing through the cell phone. GIRL'S VOICE (V.O.) Hello? KYLE Hi, this is Peter Rollins from the Tyra Banks Show. GIRL'S VOICE (V.O.) Seriously? KYLE (V.O.) Yeah, seriously. May I speak to Amanda Feeny, please. 65 INT. AMANDA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT AMANDA is a bubbly blonde 22-year-old. AMANDA This is Amanda. INTERCUT: 65A 65B Erica can't believe it. She's listens intently. KYLE Hi, Amanda. Listen, Tyra is doing an episode on office romances and we got your name from... (pretends to look it up) Alex Santiago. Erica's jaw drops. AMANDA Uh huh, I work with Alex. KYLE Well, Alex says you two are having a relationship and we'd like to bring you both to New York City for a taping of the show. 65A 65B 65

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AMANDA Oh, my God, seriously? KYLE That's right. You'll be flying first class courtesy of American Airlines and staying in luxury accommodations at the Hyatt Regency. AMANDA This is so cool! Erica rolls her eyes. Amanda is so dumb. KYLE We do need to verify a few things before we can book you. First, Alex says you two are having an interoffice romance. Is that correct? AMANDA Yes. Erica remains stoic as she takes in that answer. KYLE Great. And do any of your coworkers know about the relationship? AMANDA No. Well, Rob does. That's Alex's boss. I'm kind of hooking up with him, too. KYLE Great. That sounds fabulous. Now do either you or Alex have significant others outside of the office? AMANDA Nope. Erica can't believe it. But she keeps quiet. KYLE Alex isn't seeing anyone? AMANDA No. Erica flinches.

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KYLE Are you sure? Because Alex says he has a girlfriend... AMANDA Who? That Erica chick? They're not serious. Erica can't listen to this anymore. KYLE Are you sure? Because Alex says that he's in love with this Erica person-AMANDA No, he's not. Alex said she was like a once-in-while hook-up but then she got too clingy and he dumped the bitch. Erica starts crying. She hangs up and the split screen cuts to just Kyle. Kyle knows he's gone far enough. KYLE Okay, that's all we need. INTERCUT: AMANDA So am I going to New York? KYLE What? Oh, yeah. Yes, you're going to be the star of the show. Tyra is personally going to meet you at the airport and take you in her limo to the studio. AMANDA Oh, my God. KYLE Right, so... Can you be at LAX tomorrow at six a.m.? Kyle smiles devilishly. 66 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica looks comatose. She just sits on the couch with her jacket still in her hand. 66

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Her cell rings and she picks it up without even looking. ERICA I guess you were right. 66A KYLE I'm sorry. I just thought you'd want to know the truth. ERICA How did you even get her info? KYLE Facebook mostly. ERICA Well, great job. KYLE Look. I didn't mean to hurt you. ERICA I know. KYLE So what are you going to do? ERICA Something I should have done a long time ago. KYLE Good luck. ERICA Thanks. She hangs up. She takes a deep breath. Then, she dials again. 67 INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - DAY ALEX Hey, babe. What's going on? Where are you? SPLIT SCREEN: 67A ERICA Dumping your ass. ALEX Whoa, hold on. Don't get excited. Tell me what the problem is. 67A 67 66A

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ERICA The problem is I deserve someone better than you. ALEX Yeah, good luck with that. ERICA Screw you, Alex. ALEX Whatever, Erica. You're a customer service rep and you're not getting any younger. If you think you can do better than me, then you need a serious reality check. ERICA I know I can do better. And I think I already met him. ALEX Do you have any idea what you're doing? ERICA Yeah, taking a chance. ALEX Whatever. ERICA Goodbye, Alex. ALEX Yeah, see you around. ERICA Oh, and by the way, your friend Amanda is sleeping with your boss, too. Click. 68 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica smiles. She's proud of herself. Then the phone rings again. She sees who it is and is instantly annoyed. ERICA Oh, Jesus Christ. (she takes the call) What is it, Mr. Koffsky? 68

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MR. KOFFSKY I.T. can't find any problem with the network. ERICA Really? That's weird. MR. KOFFSKY Yeah, and they said your computer has been online all day. ERICA Hmm. Maybe there's something wrong with my laptop? MR. KOFFSKY Erica? ERICA Yes? MR. KOFFSKY Cut the bullshit. ERICA Excuse me. MR. KOFFSKY Let me play something for you, Erica. ERICA Okay...

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A pause, then a recorded conversation plays over the line... ERICA (V.O.) (CONT’D) Seriously? Are you really that stupid? POTATO SHREDDER CALLER (V.O.) I want to speak to your supervisor! ERICA (V.O.) You want a second opinion? Okay, you're a moron. How's that? Mr. Koffsky turns off the recording. ERICA How did you get that? MR. KOFFSKY Some of your conversations are recorded for quality assurance.

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ERICA Oh, yeah. MR. KOFFSKY What the hell is wrong with you, Erica? ERICA I don't know. I just lost it. I'm sorry. I'm having a weird day. MR. KOFFSKY And all this crap about the network being down. ERICA I know. I was lying. I just needed some time today to reconnect with the rest of the world. MR. KOFFSKY What are you talking about? ERICA It doesn't matter. So am I fired? MR. KOFFSKY What do you think? ERICA I understand. She starts crying. MR. KOFFSKY Erica, if you were having some personal issues, you could have just told me. ERICA I know. I'm sorry. She's sobbing now. ERICA (CONT’D) It's fine. It's not like this was a long-term career path for me. Life's too short to do something you don't love, right? Her crying intensifies. MR. KOFFSKY Erica, let me give you some advice. That sounds good in theory. (MORE)

GREEN PAGES - 1/9/11 MR. KOFFSKY (CONT'D) But in the real world, people work. They do things that aren't all fun and games because they need to make money to buy food and pay rent. We are laying people off at CPI and it's really hard right now to find another job. I'll tell you what. How about I give you another chance. As long as you promise to never pull any stunts like this again. What do you say?

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Erica wipes away her tears. ERICA I appreciate that, Mr. Koffsky. I do. But I think that maybe this is for the best. I think I need to step out of my comfort zone. Or at least get out of my apartment. You know, venture into the unknown? MR. KOFFSKY Okay. I understand. I'll give you two weeks severance. ERICA Thank you, Mr. Koffsky. MR. KOFFSKY Good luck, Erica. ERICA Thank you. She hangs up. 69 INT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica goes over to the kitchen and opens a bottle of wine. Her hands are shaking. She takes a big gulp. Erica is scared, but she's also energized by her decisions. She dials Kyle. 69A Hey. ERICA Hey. KYLE How'd it go? KYLE 69A 69

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ERICA It's fine. It's over. I quit my job, too. Well, fired actually, but then I got hired back but I turned it down. KYLE I never told you to-ERICA I'm taking a chance. KYLE Good for you. ERICA Can I ask you a question? KYLE Oh, so now you ask permission? She laughs. She takes another drink of wine. ERICA Why do you even like me? KYLE Mostly for the archery. ERICA Seriously. I mean, I'm just a consumer affairs rep. KYLE Former consumer affairs rep. ERICA Right. I'm not special. KYLE Are you kidding me? How many people in the world would turn a wrong number into an opportunity to meet people? To make connections with strangers? ERICA I don't know. KYLE You made a difference in people's lives today. ERICA Not like you do.

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KYLE No, but just as important. You think that old lady in Nebraska gets a chance to talk to someone every day? Her children don't even talk to her. ERICA I guess. KYLE And what about me? ERICA What about you? KYLE I think you're very special. I know this is going to sound totally lame but I think us meeting today was fate. It's weird, but I really have... feelings for you. Erica starts to tear up. ERICA What? KYLE I think this could be something. Something important. Maybe the most important thing we ever do. Erica puts down the wine glass. ERICA I have to meet you. I can book a flight in the morning-But there's noise on the line. An ambulance going by. KYLE I'm sorry. I can't hear you. ERICA I want to fly out to see you-The noise is getting louder. KYLE What? I'm sorry, there's an ambulance going by. Then something weird.

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ERICA Wait. I hear it, too. Erica holds the phone away from her head for a second. ERICA (CONT'D) I can hear the ambulance outside. This is too weird-She listens to the ambulance on the phone and outside. It's definitely the same ambulance. ERICA (CONT'D) Wait. Where are you? KYLE In L.A. Erica's eyes go wide. ERICA But your number, it's 917! KYLE Yeah, I just moved here last month. No reason to change my cell number. ERICA And you never thought to mention this? KYLE You never asked. The ambulance siren is starting to fade into the distance. ERICA But we can both hear the same ambulance... Kyle holds the phone away from his head as well. He can hear the ambulance outside and over the phone. ERICA (CONT'D) Where are you exactly? A moment of realization for both of them! Erica drops the phone. Kyle drops the phone. They both rush out the front door!

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EXT. ERICA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Erica races across her apartment complex.

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EXT. KYLE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Kyle races across his apartment complex.

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EXT. APARTMENT COURTYARD - NIGHT They see each other and stop running. Kyle approaches tentatively. Erica is nervous. They meet in the middle of the courtyard. Not sure what to say. Then... KYLE Hi. I'm Kyle. ERICA Erica. They look into each other's eyes for a moment, then we... FADE OUT: THE END

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