Seven Secrets of Sensual Intimacy for Spiritual Ecstasy
Edie Raether, M.S., CSP
PerformancePlus Publishing Company
Edie Sex for the Soul : Seven secrets of sensual intimacy for spiritual ecstasy / Edie Raether. NC 27540. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to the publisher at 4717 Ridge Water Court. cm.Copyright ©2004 Edie Raether All rights reserved. ISBN 1-931219-00-1
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Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the 1975 United States Copyright Act without the permission of the copyright owner is unlawful. — 1st ed. p.
Illustrations by Michelle Glenn
Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data Raether. Holly Springs.
To the great Spirit that unites feminine and masculine energies for a mystical union that gives us roots to grow and wings to fly.
. .135 About the Author . . . . .135
. .51 The Heart of the Matter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 Sex as a Sacred Sacrament . . . . . . . .133 Contact Information . . . . . . . . . .125 Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59 Chakra Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .41 The Anatomy of Attachment . . . . .113 A Personal Note . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 The Chemistry of Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79
Keeping the Love Tank Full . . . . . . . . . . .Table of Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .69 Tantra Between the Sheets . . . . . . . . . . .1 Outcasts From Eden . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31 The War Between the Sexes . . . . . . . . . .
Susan Polis Schutz
.Many people go from one thing to another searching for happiness But with each new venture they find themselves more confused and less happy until they discover that what they are searching for is inside themselves And what will make them happy is sharing their real selves with the one they love.
I searched for the
. power. Their yearning for their original intimacy is their attempt to restore their primal oneness. Finding no such absolution in my own field of psychotherapy. the passionate. For years I combed the scientific literature looking for insights that explain the nature of human intimacy. an androgynous being of such majesty. for the science of sex and the soul. this yearning has become our yearning. and sought research that explains the nature of the soul and our relationship to it. out of envy and spite. joyful. and sometimes pain-fraught alliance between the genders has been the subject of countless poems. almost heavenly origin. I searched. The ancient traditions believed that men and women originally came from a single entity. stories. I looked for studies that help us unravel the web of the emotional ties that bind us. and scientific research. wanting the two to become one once again. and beauty that the gods. The first stories depicted our intimate relationships as having a divine. caused them to be sent off in opposite directions. quite frankly. Through centuries of separation.Introduction
rom the beginning of recorded time.
colleagues. the reader. and anthropology. Psychologist turned neurotheologist. I have made no attempt to map human intimacy in numbing detail. Human lives are works in progress. theology. Neurotheologists are studying this connection. It is within that radiant intersection that we realize that to love another person deeply is to see the face of God. It is a letting go of the boundaries around (us). Sex for the Soul is about the theology of sex. In these pages. transparency. and soul. friends. describes the common experience of people across cultures. He says: There is a feeling of energy centered within … going out into infinite space and returning … there is a relaxing of the dualistic mind. family. transpersonal psychology. I have produced this book. and myself to keep it current and real. I do not believe that academic journals and scientific papers alone can capture the keys to the mysteries and nuances of soulful intimacy. Our continued growth. Wherever possible. and a connection with some kind of energy and a state of being that has a quality of clarity. (People) feel a deep and profound
. development and joy depend on that connection. the intersection of body. I have compared what research has to say against the emotional and soulful experience of my clients. Out of that structure. but to present you. Although this book uses those disciplines for their scientific perspective. across time. and joy. I gathered elements from neurology. mind. Essentially. of the University of Pennsylvania. with a heartfelt book about the incredible relationship between sex and the soul. Michael Baime.Sex for the Soul
connection between sex and the soul in other disciplines. and an intense feeling of love. and across faiths.
and we are so in essence. and love. of course.Introduction
sense of connection to everything. that there are many kinds of love. empathy. Our manylayered depths and heights are never so thrilling and at the same time so agonizing.” We are indeed complex. and sacrifice our own well being—even our lives. Our English words “sexual intimacy” represent feelings of affection. Primal Love: Reclaiming Our Instincts for Lasting Passion. the intimacy spouses have for each other is different from the intimacy they have for their children. Our uniqueness as individuals has universal implications that bind us inexorably in a web of oneness that springs from a primordial experience of intimacy. For example. He says: We humans are profoundly mysterious. In his insightful book about the mysterious complexity of male/female interactions. bonding. We know from experience. the passion new lovers share is different from the passion two people share who have known each other for a long time. kinship. realize our most powerful longings and potentials. For those relationships we give our best efforts. recognizing that there never is a true separation at all. loyalty. a confusing and painful wedding of animal and angel. Douglas Gillette makes an interesting observation. mysterious.
. We are the most complex structures in the universe that we know of. We call the feelings such relationships arouse in us “love. and the intimacy we show for a brother and sister is different from the love we feel for in-laws or friends. of our primordial origins and our spiritual aspirations. as in our most intimate relationships. so transformational and so tragic. and unique. and passion. attachment.
Deep abiding human relationships are designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. Gary Chapman amplifies Fromm’s message in his book. and shapes our thinking. Deep within our mysterious
. From birth to death and beyond. yet open to another’s needs…In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.” He goes on to say: Love is the power which breaks through the walls which separate us from others—and ourselves. to retain our identity. It determines our moods. poets. From its depths. fixes our identities.. Love makes us who we are and plays a significant role in who we become.Sex for the Soul
Philosophers. theologians. and violence. and sociologists have all tried to quantify the different kinds of intimacy and have each arrived at their own definition to capture its essence. that any society excluding the development of love “must in the long run perish of its own contradiction with the basic necessities of human nature. True love gives us the sense that “we” have arrived. He believed. In his classic book on the power of love over separation. and I have to agree. What we call chemistry between two people is not just a metaphor. we literally shape our destinies. psychoanalyst Erich Fromm offered the daring prediction that love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. He says: At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. The Five Love Languages. depression.. . psychologists. love is nothing less than the key focus of our lives. it permits us to be ourselves. affects our body rhythms.
Paul Pearsall explains: Since the beginning of time. man has tried to define and understand the meaning of love—an impossible task. and communicates.” we move into the art of lovemaking through the “heart of the matter” and “Chakra Sex” as we focus on deepening our expressions of love and intimacy. and soul intersect. the bioenergetic reality of sexual intimacy. As we progress from the “chemistry of love” and “the anatomy of attachment. feels. we will become more conversant in the language of love. and the healing power of love.Introduction
depths. mind. It has long been known that the heart is the seat of the soul. Our brain cannot explain or define completely the amazing power of love. and finally takes us to the spirit of sexuality. In The Heart’s Code. moves to the art of sexuality. Finally. Maybe if we learn more about how the heart thinks. our subconscious forces create chemical reactions that determine the intensity of our conscious reactions and the extent of our behavior. Love is one of the greatest examples of the power of our heart. and with each other. with the universe.
. we move into a soul-to-soul approach through Tantric intimacy which recognizes the essential spiritual components necessary for elevating our relationships to the level of sacred unions. This book describes the shaping power of commitment and devotion. and yet when we are in love our hearts seem to understand it completely. The flow of this book begins with the science of sexuality. It is this sense of connection that defines deep and enduring human relationships. where our body. It is where we come to know our oneness with Spirit.
and the purpose of your heart offers peace and strength to reflect the dignity of Heaven. Live with the integrity of loving and being. The purpose of your mind is to think true thoughts. and you are whole.
. while the heart knows.The mind thinks.
others sought to control sexuality by suppressing it or severely limiting its expression.
.” Marianne Williamson
istorically. It is our light.Chapter One Outcasts From Eden
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Most of the dominant religions in the world preach the suppression of the sexual urge or the channeling of that energy into “socially-acceptable” forms. sex and spirituality have been uneasy bedfellows. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. not our darkness. that most frightens us. While a number of ancient religions included sexuality in their religious rites.
and monks spiritualizes sexual energies through meditation. as it were? The challenge to each human is creation. in Seat of the Soul. Some sects of early Christianity incorporated sexual rites into their religious practices. sexuality is the antithesis of spirituality. and in India up until the 1950s. rituals. or with neglect? Sacred prostitution. However. lies at the heart of our creation mythology. and other devotional practices. Secretly or not. within which you choose each day how you will create your reality with the male-female principle inside of you. Will you create with reverence. The idea of celibacy for priests. we have always managed to express our sexuality without much difficulty. Are you not metaphorically within a Garden of Eden.. with the Tree representing your personal energy system.Sex for the Soul
For centuries. and degradation. was practiced in many ancient Middle Eastern cultures. All of these sects were persecuted into extinction by the Roman Catholic Church once it was able to successfully consolidate its political standing as the sole religious institution of Europe. the dynamic of soul-to-personality. in its positive aspects our sexuality can open our hearts to love. the story of Paradise. sexual excess. states that: . there have been times when we have embraced our sexual energies and attempted to quiet them.. nuns. In its negative aspects of lust. so to speak. Gary Zukav. a means by which men could visit temples and have sex with temple prostitutes in order to commune with a particular goddess. your own creative reality. your own cord of knowledge? How will you use your power? Will you create Paradise or be Cast Out. the Adam and Eve principle.
is intimidating for most people largely because of our uncer9
. Power is definitely the ultimate aphrodisiac. any discussion of sex. we have always had the resourcefulness to respond to our limbic sexual instincts. is all part of our spiritual development. even with our new-found sexual knowledge. Despite our partial knowledge and sometimes limited experience. A frank discussion of sex. Just pick up a copy of People magazine and the National Inquirer.Outcasts From Eden
It enables us to have experiences similar to meditative states and mystical bliss during. or check out your favorite sports hero.” says sex researcher Eugene Kennedy. and naturally. according to esoteric and yoga teachings. or instead of. Our civilization would be better off if we could rid ourselves of the tasteless conceit and censorship of those who choose to exploit our sexual and emotional vulnerabilities. The sex act has never been much of a secret. We have managed to make our sexual urges interesting and entertaining throughout the history of the human race despite puritanical objections and agendas to repress our natural sexual instincts. We tend to get the hang of it very quickly. “Who is to say. It is part of our physiological wiring. “that we did any worse or that we were any more confused or superstitious in antiquity when we thought our sexuality was guided by distant gods than when we try now to appease the new and more demanding duties of successful sexual performance?” Although a puritanical society kept us ignorant of many aspects of our sexuality. an orgasm and its afterglow. it is clear we are still neophytes slowly unraveling the pleasures and complications of sex in human relationships. Sexual energies can be channeled upward to develop our energy centers (chakra system) and higher energy bodies which. politician or president.
completely finished psychological products. We spend our lives trying our best to meet the progressive challenges of human growth and development. are ever present and interwoven within the couple’s realities: past. We are not. Regardless of how a relationship looks. teachers. and perceived future. nor can we be expected to be. religious leaders. and our ability to give and receive pleasure. As outcasts from Eden. present.Sex for the Soul
tainties about ourselves. The intense glare of our religious biases against sexual openness and exploration has caused a certain “blindness” when it comes to fully embracing and appreciating our sexuality. The failure of religious institutions to provide us with the guilt-free guidance we have needed to enjoy our sensuality has muted our sexual responsiveness but not our sensual instincts. it is still the crucible of the union between two people. the very foundations of marriage have shifted. Their perceptions and expectations are based on what they have learned from their parents.
. we continue to feel uneasy about our sexual feelings and behavior. Under the pressures of the new liberations associated with establishing and maintaining relationships. the preconceptions with which they began their relationship. We are works in progress. Unfortunately. our fantasies about lovemaking. Couples are the products of their socialization. friends. the images of how the union should look and operate. Each of the people in the relationship is changed by it—for better or worse. The fictions couples have created. and other influential people. In no area of growth is this more true than in our efforts to understand and appreciate our sexuality. this has caused us to feel shame and guilt about our purely natural sexual urges and desires.
an intimate relationship is still basically two people trying to love each other and attend to one another’s needs. The Hite Report showed us nearly thirty years ago the anguish of women all over the world in terms of the wide11
. personal. her sequel to Open Marriage. the old roles still come into play: the man is the initiator and the conqueror. People have been in bad marriages (despite their religious upbringing). Although we know now from tons of research that men and women are not basically different in their needs for closeness and warmth. healthy and enduring relationships have become rarities. and in particular marital relationships. For various financial. counseling. what has happened over the past 100 years or so is that intimate relationships. to strengthen each other in all labor. the woman is the passive responder and conquered. and legal reasons. Modern relationships are in turmoil. to minister to each other in all pain.” says George Eliot.Outcasts From Eden
Despite all the preaching. and the resultant misunderstandings are more massive and more painful. and bombardment of publicized psychological research. have not measured up to those expectations. and financial ruin of separation and divorce. “than to feel that they are joined for life. and for pleasure and acceptance. In The Marriage Premise. or they have seen too many others go through the pain. hassle. She writes: Our conditioning in sex roles is even more of an impediment to understanding each other in sex than in other areas. “What greater thing is there for two human souls. Nena O’Neill outlines our resistance to moving toward more androgynous roles in relationships. to rest on each other in all sorrow. to be one with each other…?” Unfortunately.
demythologized and put into its proper place in our lives—not as a force that controls us. Taking the “lid off our id” has been a tempering experience. for the fullest expression of our love for each other. but spiritual beings having a human experience. As psychologists and sociologists have pointed out. There has been a sexual revolution which has encompassed all areas regarding our relationship with our bodies and each other.” We continue to search for a proper sense of ourselves and instinctively move toward sources of information about our human sexuality (like the book you are reading this very minute). Then we were “liberated” from the traditional views of sex and relationships. repressed. the sexual revolution has been enlightening. we were considerably more inhibited before the revolution. There have been many studies and surveys about our human sexuality since the Hite Report. It is a natural inclination and a necessary one if we are to understand ourselves completely.. We were puritanical. was: . Sex. and hypocritical. as well as for the casual delight we take in each other … we needed the extreme to find the balance. much more. according to researcher Nena O’Neill. the realistic place for sex in our lives. but as something we can use for our benefit. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. than sexual beings. One of the premises of this book is that we are more.Sex for the Soul
spread misunderstanding about the nature of female sexuality. In many respects. Former Director of the Esalen Institute
. Our sexual preoccupation and experimentation merely illustrate the strength of our personal proclivities toward understanding who we are and where we are going..
insofar as they have been guilty of this. As sex researcher Eugene Kennedy is quick to point out: “There is no point in denying the fact that religious institutions. and virtue with absolute purity at certain points in history … Churches.” I believe because of the Victorian version
. coupled sex with sin. who explained the connection in his book.Outcasts From Eden
Theological Program. And so does psychologist Erich Fromm. our horizon is not. What is needed is for each of us to begin an honest and open “faith walk” into the dimly lit nature of our sexuality. in a sense. After they have eaten of the “tree of knowledge of good and evil” they saw they were “naked” and they were “ashamed. to rediscover our sexual connections with our soul. Sam Keen. The Art of Loving. that has spawned the myths of our modern day confusion. He explains: This experience of guilt and shame in separateness is expressed in the Biblical story of Adam and Eve.” Churches are not the only organizations that may have institutionalized a prejudice against understanding the full implications and benefits of our human sexuality. Although our knowledge is limited to earth. as spiritual beings in human form. makes this observation: “We are carnal beings and thus all knowledge is limited to the soil of historical experience. for complicated reasons. I believe it is this separateness which has led to much of our anxiety about who we are.” Our inability to keep this truth in mind has limited our appreciation of who we are and has given those who have purely selfish agendas a means to exploit our sexual vulnerabilities. certainly contributed to the disintegration of sex from personality (the original sin).
and global villages. He says: “Pleasure and procreation are bound intensely together. families. loving. binds us to those who are needed for our own survival. communities. is the source of all human shame and guilt associated with our bodies … Our deepest need. they become aware of their separateness and of their differences. Because they have not yet learned to love each other … Adam defends himself by blaming Eve. compassion. and its fellow emotions of caring. so that even while (we) serve (our) own pleasure. Guilt. empathy. instead of defending her. The dual desires for self-knowledge and interpersonal fusion are the most powerful strivings in the human race.
. What this means (metaphorically) is that the awareness of human separation. nations. psychoanalyst Dr.” I believe that once our issues with sex and the soul have been resolved. is the need to overcome this separateness. They are our most fundamental passions and the forces which will keep us together as couples.Sex for the Soul
of this story we have missed the point. We are one in spirit no matter what the form. inasmuch as they realize they are of different sexes. In the sense that guilt parallels our sexual drive. Willard Gaylin amplifies Fromm’s assessment of the need to address separateness. then. we will make quantum leaps toward our personhood and in our intimate relationships with others. and pity. which seems to be the following: After man and woman become aware of themselves and of each other. (we) guarantee the survival of the species. without reunion by love. shame.
To what extent are you uncomfortable with frank discussions of sex. intimacy. What issues will you have to resolve to become the person you are meant to be? What steps will you take to resolve them?
. In what ways are you the product of your socialization? How have you achieved a balance between what you’ve been taught and whom you have become in terms of your sexuality? 4. In what ways have you been kept ignorant of your sexuality by a puritanical society or enlightened by that same society? How has that affected your readiness for and appreciation of sexual intimacy? 2. and love? Under what circumstances and with whom do you think it would be appropriate to talk openly about these important subjects? 3.Outcasts From Eden
Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.
Paul MacLean.Chapter Two Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
“The day will come when. and because it is linked with the survival instinct. for the second time in the history of the world. Our instinctual or reptilian brain is the oldest sector. the tides and gravity. And on that day.” Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
o understand the beauty of our sex-soul connection. Dr. it is the root of our sexual energies and thus emits the most power.
. after harnessing space. the winds. we shall harness for God the energies of love. and motivation in our behaviors. drive. we shall have discovered fire. as researched by neuroanatomist. It is also what we associate with the “fight-flight” response. we need to understand the triune nature of our brain.
Likewise. although it occurs over a gap of yards. two nervous systems achieve a palpable and intimate opposition. Obviously. to dream. coauthor of A General Theory of Love. If someone does not feel like doing something. our vision goes deep: the sensations multiply. anger. Eye contact. when we look into the ocular portals to a limbic brain. anxiety. The emotional brain is what inspires us to hope. feelings. if there is a will. and to love. much as two mirrors placed in opposition create a shimmering ricochet of reflections whose depths recede into infinity. When we meet the gaze of another. and intentions is called limbic resonance. compassion. it won’t get done.Sex for the Soul
The most relevant part of our brain in the sex-soul connection is the emotional or limbic brain which is the seat of our emotions such as love. is not a metaphor. emotions have a thrust of their own and thus greatly determine what choices we make. and joy. explains its relationship: It is a limbic resonance that makes looking into the face of another emotionally responsive creature a multi-layered experience instead of seeing a pair of eyes as two speckled buttons. This soul-to-soul connection supplies the wordless affection and harmony between mother and child. and playful. fear. trust me. a young18
. we will find a way. Thomas Lewis. and thus is the key element to the connection of sex and soul in our spiritual intimacy. for this is what excites the energies of winners and those who have climbed to great heights and overcome obstacles. Our limbic hardware allows us to communicate with each other to become more social. intimate. The symphony of mutual exchange whereby two people become attuned to each other’s thoughts.
we move this vital energy or life force upward to connect with our human emotions which are then guided with the ingeniousness of the creative brain to move us upward to a level of spiritual elation with the uniting of masculine and feminine energies. your loving presence. you invite your higher self. This limbic chemistry unites us at a cellular level and at a soul level. the importance of emotions is often minimized and intimacy is viewed intriguingly as a mystery. there most be an active interplay. and survival. it has … powerful muscles. or neocortex. We must embrace the chemistry of love and the significant power of intimacy and oneness as a valid vehicle to our health. It cannot lead. Take the risk and rise above your self-limiting fears. Our modern limbic brain keeps us in touch with an inner world dominated by primordial forces responsible for our yearning for love.Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
ster and his or her pet. it can only serve. and reasoning. but not personality. In all his own brilliance.” In a society which generally promotes logic over feelings and statistics over intuition. and synergy between all functions of the brain to guarantee triune harmony. There is an experience of peace. to replace the ego’s fears of loving. happiness. “we should take care not to make intellect our God. In other words. harmony. connectedness. By taking action against your fear of intimacy. and is what is unique to humans in such processes as creative problem solving. or lovers gazing across the table at one another in a restaurant. The creative brain. metaphorical and analytical thinking. Just as
. and awe as our lower nature and higher nature become one in this biospiritual equality. For the intimacy of sex and soul to flourish. as the senses of our sensuality is tantalized on the instinctual level. Albert Einstein cautioned. sexual intimacy. planning. and spiritual joy. is the most highly developed.
sex-for-the-soul as a uniting force in our lives. Does my choice increase my level of enlightenment and genuine power? Does it make me more loving and whole? Remember. I have seen depression and despair beyond repair .Sex for the Soul
the dinosaur’s body was genetically built to live within a certain temperature range. (Please see back of
. freedom in relationships demands responsibility to honor and practice sensitivity and compassion for the other. and vulnerabilities of another weaker than you. If a temptation is greater than your ability to resist.even with Prozac. As a result of deception. I have seen young girls slit their wrists and take their own lives as they perceived death as the only relief from their pain caused by another’s betrayal. Let not the inadequacies of your weak ego use sex as a conquest to prey on the trust. and mature immersion in. Ask yourself these questions. However. honor. it is disturbing for me to see how something so joyful as love and the elation of two coming together as one results in so much pain for so many. This is not a trendy techniques book for sexual highs or a couple’s communication 101 course. You are not at the mercies of your inadequacies. and enjoy the rewards of sensual intimacy for spiritual ecstasy. “We are our brother’s keeper” is not just about feeding the poor. but an appreciation guide in sexual manners which include to love. Our downfall as a species is equally assured if we continue to push our emotions beyond the limits of our limbic heritage and fail to cultivate social and cultural environments which nurture a strong appreciation for. innocence. you are choosing not to be responsible for your choice. Let me comment on my motivation for writing this book. Should you still be carrying the pain of a betrayal. First of all. our emotional climate has its limits as well. you must forgive to be free of your past.
then why the personal devastation upon the loss of the illusion? Perhaps that is why I have seen so many become bitter. love is what we give. Respect is what we owe. only to experience even more loneliness from the empty relationships their vulnerability tolerates. is the number one social disease in the United States.” If the sexual exchange of energy did not have incredible bonding power and is just a physical exercise in sexual aerobics. Aristotle said it another way. which creates an even greater personal lesion or disconnect from their own soul. with feeble hopes that the lies of the other may have some element of truth. be it casual friendship or sexual intimacy. The pain of their loneliness intensifies. for being drained of testosterone. body. which. mind. “Dignity does not consist in possessing honors. Talk about a vicious cycle!
. women tend to be more integrated. and spirit and thus become more emotionally and spiritually involved with physical intimacy. Women tend to be more vulnerable by the nature of their anatomy and physically receiving another internally. or they become promiscuous in an attempt to dilute the value of intimacy in relationships. people become more desperate for love and caring. This may explain a man’s tendency to pull away or withdraw after orgasm. angry. people learn to numb themselves from their true needs and emotions.Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
book for program on Forgiveness and Healing. by the way. and hardened. never to reach out again. To survive this emotional holocaust. it is somewhat a feminine moment of increased vulnerability. it is your responsibility to honor the other. As the loneliness intensifies.) Overactive hormones are not an excuse to violate the spiritual integrity of another—nothing is! In any relationship. Then too. but in deserving them.
Sex for the Soul
Injury and disease to our physical body always creates more caution, concern, and respect because it is more concrete, visible, and of course, physical. The AIDS epidemic has had great impact on people’s sexual behaviors for fear of the dreaded disease. However, because of its less tangible nature, very little respect has been given to violations of the soul. Your body and soul are part of the same energy continuum. Gary Zukav, in Seat of the Soul, agrees: The creation of physical experience through intention, the infusion of Light into form, energy into matter, soul into body, are all the same. The distance between you and your understanding of the creation of matter from energy is equal to the distance that exists between the awareness of your personality and the energy of your soul. The dynamic of soul and personality is the same dynamic as energy converted into matter. The system is identical. Your body is your conscious matter. Your personality is the energy of your soul converted to matter. If it is unaware, it is the splinteredness that is transmitted. If it is aware, it begins to become whole.” If our sexual energy were not such a powerful force and infidelity were not such a “big deal,” why does the National Inquirer thrive on sex scandals week after week, and still report high profits. Why did the nation become so divided over the personal indiscretions of our past president, Bill Clinton, and why was an incredible career in the NBA sabotaged by Kobe Bryant’s sexual behavior (if found guilty)? Why did Strom Thurmond’s daughter very sincerely need to announce to the world the truth of her father? While we fortunately have risen above public stonings for adultery, at least in the United States, I see domestic violence as just a
Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
more covert version of the same dynamic. The foolhardy belief of sex being just a “roll-in-the-hay,” is more about your denial and disconnect than reality’s truth. It is this total fragmentation of “the self” that motivated me to share my insights with you. This is not a book on moral law, but it is about spiritual ethics and compassion. We need to create relationships where it is safe to love, where we can confidently reconnect with the innocence of our inner child and enjoy openness and trust that fosters the power of passion, allowing us to discover our authentic self. Dag Hammarskjold said, “it is only when we all play safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity.” I am suggesting that to reap the benefits of a truly loving and intimate relationship we need to create an environment wherein it is safe to explore, bond, and become one. After all, it is love that makes the world go round—not sex (without the love). A friend once told me that sex without love was like eating cold soup. If you are really hungry you might have a bowl, but you probably won’t go back for seconds. Let me share a second reason for my motivation to help you understand the importance of the sex-for-the-soul connection. I have seen many patients suffer from shame that shattered their psyche, and debilitating guilt that has paralyzed one’s potential due to a disregard and disrespect for the power of our sexual energies which are rooted in our instinctual brain. Our instinctual, sexual energies, when not connected with the more developed and wiser areas (the emotional and creative sectors of the brain), is like turning a child with a “sugar high” loose in a toy store without parental supervision or guidance. You have chaos and the child’s unleashed raw energy results in restriction or punishment. The same is true when our instinctual, sexual energies are released without a soul connection. Rape certainly has
Sex for the Soul
no soul connection, and we are victims for as long as the shame remains. Because we associate our instinctual, sexual energies with the pain caused by the anger, abuse, or exploitations and deceit, we then become emotionally armored and a prisoner to our own fear and anxiety of a powerful energy, a life-force, that can also provide healing and joy. With compassion, love, honor, and honesty as guiding principles, we have the potential to experience the elation of sensual intimacy and spiritual ecstasy. Perhaps my age is showing when I emphasize that loyalty, fidelity, and commitment are essential ingredients to creating the safe and secure environment necessary for trust, openness, vulnerability, and love to flow freely. (Why would you even consider not being honest and loyal, considerate and compassionate?) Besides, co-mingling sexual energies, such as multiple sexual partners during one general time period, causes psychic havoc and is a spiritual violation without the other’s permission. Believe me, it does not simplify your life. The mind games in your head do not override spiritual law. This book is about what works in the real world and deception and betrayal do not—period.
Now that we have an understanding of the ground rules and the playing field, I believe that now more than ever, especially since the disaster of 9/11, we are living in a world of increased fear, anxiety, stress, and tension. With terrorism becoming a way of life, people are feeling scared, insecure and frenzied, less communal and social, and more isolated and fragmented in a world gone bonkers. We are not only cocooning but beginning to hibernate in our family fortresses or bunkers. The safe harbor, courage, validation
” or a fear of commitment.” Others suffer from “commitophobia. As we all seek to again experience the bliss we once knew through our intimacies with a soulmate or partner. We deny that we are thirsty. anguish and fear regarding our attachments? Why is domestic violence on the increase and most murders committed by a previous spouse or lover? I rest my case.Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
and spiritual rejuvenation we can provide to one another is no longer dessert. this emotional denial has become a cultural epidemic. leaving the womb and getting the cord cut was our first experience in rejection and loss. In fact. for fear the well will run dry. They just land in another place at another time. where it is cool to declare total emotional emancipation and deny any need for intimacy. The clinical term is “intimacy disorder. many of us have developed emotional armor along the way which sabotages our efforts. it was a pretty yummy environment and you didn’t even need to lift a fork to eat and it felt really good. We are afraid to enjoy the fruit for fear the vine will die. The fact is the yearning for intimacy will not cease—ever! We all seek to return to the safety and security of the womb. But. from those worldly elements we cannot change and remain somewhat powerless. We so fear the loss of love and resulting bliss that we learn to lie to ourselves about what we really want. longevity. what is life for. like a pesky fly. which is even traumatic as adults. if not to
. If love makes the world go round and every poet and songwriter boasts of its magical power. why is there so much hurt and pain. Our homes and the soulful connection I am suggesting allow us to transcend. and our joy. Why not. Does this not verify just how powerful a sexual energy exchange may be and why it deserves total reverence and respect. never go away. but the meat and potatoes of our health. if even but momentarily. Instinctual forces. In fact.
Your dog will let you know just how much he needs you as he hugs your side. and most often gets it. our smell. and interactive play with his master as possible. I have never once seen a dog wreck a good relationship by complaining about how to squeeze the toothpaste tube or how to close the cover of the commode. intimacy. and not trip over your ego on the way to your bone. and if the bone is bare. honestly. which is not where our most wise and enlightened decisions are always made without balance from above. Expensive perfumes become an essential because they appeal to our most primitive sense. cats tend to play the game. except for outside. how to relate. I referred to lessons our furry friends teach us about emotional honesty.Sex for the Soul
dance? However. Massages have become a weekly routine rather than a vacation luxury. more than ever. now. What might you learn from our furry friends about open. Why Cats Don’t Bark. whether we can afford it or not. (However. The dog is very focused on one thing and that is having as much quality time. but rather expends 157 calories jumping up and down with the joy of your presence. of course.) When you leave him behind. honest communications. In my first book. and openly about what he wants and needs. No playing games. the high level of stress in our lifestyles causes a downshift in the brain. it is more fun dancing when there is a partner who is in sync with your rhythms and the floor is not so slippery. In hard economic times. don’t “beef” about it. his big begging eyes make the guilt unbearable. In fact. In other words we function more from our instinctual brain in times of stress and tension. He makes no bones about expressing and communicating very clearly. When you return.
. we pay high prices for what makes us feel good. he doesn’t barricade the door because of a grudge he won’t release.
the remaining 44 percent are miserably married.. and with only 6 percent of marriages deemed a healthy relationship. With the divorce rate hovering around 50 percent. I challenge that we have to be married. Womb Room—The reason we speak of being drowned in a sea of love. but agree that we can add three healthy years onto our lives with a healthy. On a wellness assessment I had taken. positive force in the universe. litters. and with companionship. the best predicting factor of a preschool child’s IQ is how often that child was touched. Pet therapy has now been incorporated into nursing homes as research indicates that pets increase healing and a healthy life. Create an
. 1. In fact. I offer an alternative to finding security by building emotional fortresses as if entering a relationship were like going to battle. Like the rest of our fellow creatures in the animal kingdom. WALA! First of all.. I lost three years of life because of not being married. we simply function better in herds. And.Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
Our skin loves them and it gets our repressed sexual energies freed up and flowing again. supportive companion and loving relationship. and are attracted to the ocean. it was reported that 76 percent of men interviewed preferred to watch their favorite professional football team over making love—but the other 24 percent thought that was what halftime was for! Your reading this book is your first step to changing the stats! Love has been defined as the most powerful. we all know about the healing power of touch. The steps are two-fold. you are wondering why I felt the need to write this book? In a recent poll. and when two become one . And. is that water activates the cellular memories of being in the safety of the womb. Even traditional medicine recognizes it as good bedside manner.
integrity. This should not be that hard to master. secure environment where trust can flourish and you can openly reclaim your lost innocence and vulnerability to reconnect with your authentic self. and compassion in your relationships. It is about loving thy partner as thyself. We all seek to reconnect with feeling so very special. By connecting with the Spirit within. mind. Trust is nourished by honesty. Dogs do it all the time—without reading the book. you will transcend human limitations and together move impossible mountains. It is not good manners to practice deception. or being the “one and only. The sensual intimacy and spiritual ecstasy you are about to experience must be practiced in the spirit of giving and receiving simultaneously. Sex Manners—Practice basic honor. authenticity.Sex for the Soul
emotionally safe. honesty. we are able to reclaim the magic that is still ours to be enjoyed. not taking. which is love in action. and spirit. Unless you are a twin. With passion there must be compassion. exploitation. Enjoy the harmony of our masculine and feminine energies uniting and becoming balanced and whole to create a magic that is yours to be enjoyed. or betrayal. caring.
. and nurtured. The seven secrets of spiritual intimacy will encourage you to take the risks while gently guiding you to recreate the attachment and bond which unfolds from this loving.” By developing a deeper connection between body. sensual exchange of personal energy. and nurtured. loyalty and commitment. Love is about giving. 2. savored. you did not have to share the womb. selfish manipulation. savored.
Sex Manners and Spiritual Ethics
1. Unlike our furry friends. When was the last time you felt a strong limbic or emotional resonance with another person? What happened and what were the circumstances? 5. Since in loving sexual intimacy. how do you lose focus of what matters most in your relationship and allow the little things to sabotage a greater love? 3. How do you reach out to others to get your need for companionship met? 6. how can you use physical intimacy to deepen your emotional intimacy?
. How have your fears and anxieties of losing the one you love blocked your love and openness to experiencing greater intimacy and joy? 2. How have you overcome experiences of deceit and betrayal and learned the personal liberation and power of forgiveness? 4. sexual partners are not interchangeable.
but by the moments that take our breath away.Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take.
Chapter 3 The Chemistry of Love
“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts.
. and then respecting the differences between men and women. but only more love. then there is not hurt. John Gray showed us how we can improve our relationships with the opposite sex by understanding. Ignoring the fundamental differences between men and women only creates more misunderstanding. That seems like such an understatement but taking it for granted has caused much of the confusion between the sexes. In his runaway best seller. frustration. Women Are From Venus. Men Are From Mars. accepting. and animosity.” Mother Teresa
en and women are different.
just set them aside and focus on the insights that resonate with your personal experience. and hormones have adapted to the different roles they are asked to play in human society. “is like the contact of two chemical substances. If you believe some of my interpretations do not apply to you. mutually satisfying. may not be entirely representative for everyone at all times. and relationships. brains. and relationships. if there is any reaction. Humanity has had ions of time to get the chemistry between men and women right. but they are true for a lot of people most of the time.” It is my hope your transformation will be one of mutual trust. soul level. and lifestyle differences. intimacy. Book stores bulge with how-to primers on sex. happiness.
. and equality when you become comfortable with your own sexuality and with the healthy and mature intimacy you find in the right relationship with another. tens of millions of us are starved for the intimacy.Sex for the Soul
The generalizations I make about men and women. particularly in regard to their sex and soul connection. trust. marriage. “The meeting of two personalities. men’s and women’s bodies. and respect that make relationships work. respect. Despite the intense focus and attention on our sexuality. sexual preferences. Over the course of time.” said Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. both are transformed. married or not. Talk shows exploit the nuances of men’s and women’s relationships. pleasure. What is important is that you realize that your overall health and well-being depend on your awareness and ability to transcend your human limitations by connecting with the Spirit that resides within you (your “true self”) so you can love and be loved by another human being on a deep.
Diana Ross sings it out loud and clear: “You can’t hurry love … you just have to wait. push-button success. passion.” There’s much more to the chemistry of love than the clumsy spontaneity of physical attraction. Intimacy. and promiscuity. “Many people in love with a dimple. and persistence.” Encouraged to achieve instead of attach.The Chemistry of Love
Humanity’s limbic heritage makes any social structure difficult to maintain because self-interests seem to trump common interests. trust. The skill of becoming chemically compatible (attuned to someone’s limbic rhythms) requires a solid investment in patience. and nobody wants
.” There is no high-speed access to love’s internet highway. we have evolved into mechanical producers and consumers.” says Stephen Leacock. we have become disillusioned with unrealistic expectations for immediate gratification. Love don’t come easy … it’s a game of give and take. We’ve even invented reality shows that try their best to convince us that intimate relationships are a blind date away. “If the chemistry is right” is a valid expression of human relatedness if the right chemicals are involved. making it difficult for the two to stay as one. Like digestion or bone growth. Living in a world of instant love. and wealth. choosing material possessions and career advancement over intimate relationships and discovering our own soulfulness. However. We have been tutored for years in the wrong school when it comes to putting our human sexuality on hold in order to acquire external “trophies. Sex-for-the-soul is a developmental process we have put on hold. Our national dream prompts us toward achievement. enduring relationships take time to develop. proximity. they take time. status. “make the mistake of marrying the whole person. The truth is that strong. and dial-a-dream. and respect are as physiological as they are emotional.
hormonally over-active people (who don’t know each other) tumble into bed and have passionate erotic sex. Although these “scents” do not drive the opposite sex crazy. and billboards portray the height of human intimacy as the moment when two attractive. It is emotional in nature. “Whoso loves. but not obsessive or exploitative. They have confused the Bunsen burner act of making love with the chemistry of true love. not instinct or infatuation. The temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of sexual drives and external sexual stimuli which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding to enhance the survival of the species. among them psychiatrist M. and soul.” Real love is produced by a sex-for-the-soul connection. Peck. practicality. prudence. Some researchers. the more its neocortical high-velocity whine will drown out the wiser whisper of our limbic connection to Spirit. According to Dr. “believes the impossible. magazines. It involves a balance between reason. emotion. making love is a “genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior. True love is not a “pheromone experience” (natural chemical “scents” men and women produce that attract the opposite sex).” wrote Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Scott Peck and psychologist Dorothy Tennov.Sex for the Soul
to miss out on their share of the consumption grail. It is based on a love that grows out of maturity and choice. It is a love that unites the body. and desire. they tend to make potential partners less
. have concluded that “making love” should not be called “love” at all. mind. The more our culture worships the bottom line and the faster it spins the consumption centrifuge.” Pop TV shows.
perfumes. and a trace of a mustache was etched on her upper lip. For example. breath mints. taller men do not fair much better than their average-looking. make-up was conspicuously absent. While it is not uncommon to hear people claim that inner beauty is the only thing that really counts. mouthwashes. athletic. as well as passersby. In another incident in Boston. and artificial scents to keep their “olfactory status” socially desirable. aftershaves. injuring two of them.The Chemistry of Love
inhibited around someone who secretes an abundance of sex chemicals. The “unattractive” woman was judged to be repulsive by passersby: she wore loose-fitting clothing.
. shorter. Perfumes and shaving lotions are actually an expensive “olfactory signature” to set the wearer apart from others. Interestingly. soaps and creams. the Associated Press reported two incidents a few years ago that are worth repeating. research and reality suggest that a big part of the chemistry between people is physical attractiveness. spent too much time near her table. her complexion was oily and unwholesome looking. two extremely attractive women were made up to look differently: one’s beauty was enhanced while the other was made to look unattractive. A judge in Ragusa. Sicily fined a Danish tourist for wearing hot pants which caused several highly attentive tourists to step into the line of traffic. a German woman was fined $117 for crossing her legs in a way that bared one thigh while she was having tea with friends at a sidewalk café. her hair was messy. Each year men and women spend hundreds of millions of dollars (if not billions) on deodorant sprays. ruggedly attractive.” In a rather telling study. creating what the restaurant manager called “undo congestion and a public spectacle in front of his business establishment. The male waiters.
good communication skills.” Others are criticized as being too “thick-skinned” or “thin-skinned. The surface of the skin has an enormous number of sensory receptors. We speak of “rubbing” someone the wrong way or “stroking” someone to influence him or her in a positive way. touch. Electrical changes are measured at the skin surface by a psychogalvanometer (lie detector) which measures the electrical conductance of the skin. The skin.Sex for the Soul
conversationally adept counterparts when it comes to attracting women. Even people with high self-esteem seem to hesitate before they approach extremely good-looking people.” Essentially. metaphorically speaking. Women. passes between people when they touch one another. We describe someone as having a “happy touch” or see someone else as a “soft touch. as we know. cold. it seems. and pain. so they tend to select a person similar to themselves with respect to physical attractiveness. The “electricity” that. A landmark study by Walster and her colleagues on dating behavior has been replicated so many times that it deserves a Grammy. particularly as it relates to the chemistry between people. Suitors may face unwanted rejection if they select the best-looking person available for a date. the matching hypothesis argues that people are attracted to only the best-looking partners until reality sets in. She proposed what she called the “matching hypothesis. which receive tactile stimuli from heart. do not worry as much about dating or marrying a man who is “deficient” in good looks as they do one who has a strong moral character. Touch parlance has been with us a long time. is an especially good electrical conductor. and wage-earning capacity. may be something considerably more than a mere metaphor.” We applaud people who have the “human touch.” Sometimes we let people get “under our
” We tell people that we will “get in touch” or “contact” them later. cuddled. Our language about touch is evidence indeed of its importance in the chemistry of human relationships. hugged. French wit. Touching is called “kissing with the hands. and soothed by touch legitimizes the various parts of (our) body. The power of touch was well known by ancient civilizations. has remarked that love is the “harmony of two souls and the contact of two epidermises. Esoteric Hindu writings describe certain sexual rituals. and promotes the development of object love by cementing the (tactile) bonds between us. The raw sensation of touch as a stimulus is vital for the survival of the relationship. helps to build a healthy body image and ego. A deeply felt experience is “touching. Chamfort.” The important thing to remember for now is that the tenets of Tantra I share with you in that chapter are sacred tools for your sex-for-the-soul journey. touch is one of the primary means of awakening and directing our higher energies. and meditations in a series of books called Tantra. It is principally through the stimulation of the skin that the chemistry between friends. touch seems to be the main ingredient. In Tantra. This entire book is designed to help you understand that sacred intimacy
. and lovers defines the nature of the relationship. increases its cathexis with narcissistic libido. “being stroked.” We label some experiences as “skin deep” and others as “touchy” when we are oversensitive or angry.” The truth is that in no other relationship is the skin so permanently involved than in human sexual behavior.” writes psychologist Anna Freud. a highly spiritual system which sees sexual love as a sacrament.” In the chemistry of love. family. “Even at the beginning of life.The Chemistry of Love
needs. and desires of the body. we relinquish external power or reaching outward to manipulate and control others. and relationships should be a warning that sexual happiness and fulfillment cannot be achieved until we become personally fulfilled and happy as individuals.
. Our bodies are not only the romantic reflection of the personality. they are the physical instruments of the sexual impulses and spiritual quests.Sex for the Soul
through your sexual energies is your spiritual birthright. When your sexual chemistry is aligned with your spiritual alchemy. It is creating new and deeper understandings of who we are and what our purposes are. you will “live and move and have your being” as a whole person. Spiritual growth is now replacing survival as the core of human experience. As we look inward. As you learn more about the relationship between sex and the soul. I firmly believe that if you remain open to the guidance and advice contained in these pages. sex. you will see that the biological basis of your emotions lies in the natural functions. for exploitation is the ultimate sabotage to intimacy. And we will not be personally content until we become intimate with our own souls. you will be able to enjoy a deep abiding love and sexual passion with the right person now and in the future. The plethora of how-to books on love.
2. What does the “right chemistry” look like to you? List at least five of the most important ingredients.The Chemistry of Love
1. How may you have put your human sexuality “on hold” in order to acquire external trophies?
. Describe the time when you fell in love with a dimple and made the mistake of (dating) or marrying the whole person. What did you learn from the experience? 3. Consider the phrase “the chemistry has to be right” as it pertains to intimate relationships. What areas about the topic of human sexuality make you a bit “touchy” or “rub” you the wrong way? What things get “under your skin” when you talk about relationships between men and women? 4.
Katherine Anne Porter
. there is no end to it. hate needs no instruction.Love must be learned again and again. but waits only to be provoked.
too long for those who grieve. time is eternity. too short for those who rejoice. sexuality. knowledge. and philosophies of our society.
. We not only have to master 21st Century dilemmas that test the durability of relationships.” Henry Van Dyke
e are the heirs of the sexual experience. but for those who love. but we are also the pioneers of new relationship frontiers dealing with intimacy. but must also shoulder the additional burden of unlearning what we have been taught by a manipulative culture that tries very hard to tease the last dollar out of the latest sexual exploitation campaign they intend to sell to the public. and selfhood. too swift for those who fear.Chapter Four The War Between the Sexes
“Time is too slow for those who wait.
sexual gratification and sensual fulfillment. Respected human sexuality researcher Eugene Kennedy argues: “Much of the erotic clutter in our culture is charged with sexiness but it is very remote from participating in anything like deep sexuality. with California already leading the way at 75 percent.
. values. to look sexy is not necessarily the same thing as being sexual.” The people.Sex for the Soul
One of the chief complications of this widespread exploitation is the confusion between sexiness and genuine sexuality. and advertisers have the wherewithal to tempt us into being more sexy. organizations. as reflected by these sobering statistics.” Such a culture confuses men and women who want to develop mature relationship skills. and lifestyles also test the elasticity and durability of relationships. Discordant attitudes. Eugene Kennedy goes on to say that “true sexuality is a function of the total personality and is experienced and expressed only in the lives of genuinely mature people … Problems of sexual identification abound in a land that is filled with people trying to initiate themselves into the skills of seductive behavior. My hope is that this book will move things in a more positive direction with its emphasis on establishing the important connection between sex and the soul. manhood and womanhood. but find themselves sidetracked by the distortions perpetrated by exploitative retailers who are determined to take advantage of their sexual vulnerabilities. Retailers have the means to help us look sexier. and institutions which have exploited our evolving sexuality for profit have crippled millions of human relationships. Two of four marriages end in divorce because couples declare war on each other. but the truth is. Predictions are it may reach 65 percent by the end of the year. beliefs.
inexpensive. drug-free alternative. safety and survival … To succeed in today’s relationships. I am not peddling a “love drug.” but I am suggesting that the heightened ecstasy and joy from soulful intimacy is a healthy. communication and lasting passion are now the requirements for fulfilling relationships. domestic violence. for the first time in recorded history. It has its roots in our evolution but its core is in our adaptation to a changing environment. and sexual addiction. we must learn new lessons. Happiness. John Gray sets the stage for what I believe to be the fundamental rub between the sexes. It also provides a mini-escape or vacation without even getting on a plane. men and women felt quite content emotionally … Now. Dr. In his follow-up book to Men Are From Mars. we are no longer utterly dependent on each other for security. As long as both partners fulfilled their basic tasks.) didn’t expect him to be sensitive or nurturing … It was a natural and accepted arrangement. the (Mrs. drug. Gray explains: Once upon a time. men and women were peaceful partners in a hostile and dangerous world … Men assumed the role of provider and protector while women specialized in nurturing and homemaking. Women Are From Venus. … (Good) communication skills were not an (issue) because as long as her mate was a good hunter and could find his way home.The War Between the Sexes
Adding to our uneasiness are the acts of rape. We all pay the price for these instinctual drives lacking a positive direction. untold ages ago. intimacy.
. alcohol. prescription drug abuse and other crimes often reflecting one’s need to escape and feel good.
Sex for the Soul
Times have changed. and even global changes over the last fifty years have enormously changed the traditional male and female roles that defined our ancestors’ relationships. contemporary women no longer feel the need for financial security and physical protection that men provided for their mothers and grandmothers. protectors. nurturers. While that may seem blindingly obvious. They process reality differently. Men’s and women’s brains are physiologically organized differently. women also constitute over half of the workforce in general. Women have left the home and entered the workforce. Social. men’s and women’s bodies. responsibilities. and self-sufficient. They are seeking jobs. Women are mothers. of course.”
Men and women are different. As John Gray is quick to point out. Women have extra connective tissue which
. Men and women really are different. homemakers. over 30 percent of the entrepreneurs in this country are women. the majority of people on the planet fail to grasp the implications of that statement. economic.) Increasingly independent. providers. brains and hormones have become specialized as they have adapted to their cultural and social roles. and bread-winners. Whether nurture or nature. and so have the roles of men and women in relationships. “a modern woman charts her own destiny and pays her own bills … When in danger she can pull out her Mace or call the police (on her wireless phone) … She has much more control over when to have children and how many she wants. training. cultural. and education in fields that were once the domain of men. resourceful. and conditioning. (Over 50 percent of the students in medical schools are women.
Our female ancestors developed consummate communication skills because their role of nurturer and gatherer required them to engage in discussions with the other women as they shared child rearing. accurately throw a spear. and then find his way back home … When we consider how long men have specialized in being hunters and protectors and women nurturers and gatherers.The War Between the Sexes
contains billions more neuroconnectors between the feeling and language centers of the brain. That gender trait allows them to develop language skills sooner than their male counterparts. just as a woman’s ability to talk and form relationships was responsible for her survival. and housekeeping chores. Adapting to the demands of 21st Century living is creating more androgynous relationships. soccer. cooking. they are also required for the hunter to stalk his prey. males tend to develop their spatial skills ahead of their female counterparts. it is no wonder our brains are organized so differently … From the dawn of time. As a hunter and protector in ages gone by. However. males had to develop welldefined spatial skills in order to survive in the wild. As John Gray points out in Men Are From Mars. things are changing as modern men and women are experiencing shifts in their relationship roles.
. Men are becoming nurturers and gatherers and women hunters and providers. Women Are From Venus. our thinking and behavior reflect that we continue to march to a different drummer. Just as spatial skills are required for playing games like basketball. a man’s ability to throw spears was essential for his survival. and football. On the other hand. Although our differences are both biologically and culturally based.
Shared core values and beliefs 5. emotional sharing and honesty 3. Domestic support
According to their findings. present a “genetic template” which outlines the chief differences between men and women that cause so much friction between the sexes.Sex for the Soul
Compelling research by Willard Harley. Communication. it appears. Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage.” Harley assures us that these indices
. Sexual fulfillment 2. I have presented their findings in the order of importance expressed by each sex. The categories and their order of importance appear below:
1. Intellectual and educational compatibility 8. Intellectual and educational compatibility 11. For example. An attractive partner 3. emotional sharing and honesty 6. Generosity of spirit 10. the number one thing men need from their significant relationships seems to be sexual fulfillment. Financial security 5. Sexual fulfillment 6. want affection and emotional security. An attractive partner 7. the top five or six are the “most powerful messages from the deep layers of our primate evolutionary patterns and represent templated instinctional hungers. Domestic support 8. Admiration and emotional support 4. Affection and emotional security 2. and Warren Farrell in his book Why Men Are the Way They Are. author of His Needs. Compatible levels 7. Recreational companionship 10. A good mother
1. Compatible energy levels 9. Financial security 12. Communication. Generosity of spirit 11. Recreational companionship 9. Shared core values and beliefs 4. A good father 12. Women.
I’m sharing their generalized findings to clarify the “evolutionary overtones” of most human relationships which contribute to the war between the sexes. List the indices in the order of importance you assign to them. In fact. Keep in mind that the Harley-Ferrell scale is a general assessment of a large population as their categories may not fully define your relationship.The War Between the Sexes
tell us whether or not our partner is a good long-term “genetic investment. Gary Chapman pokes a bit of serious fun at the war between the sexes. Ask your “significant other” to do the same. says that “a failure to recognize what can be considered profound differences between men and women in their sexual responsiveness and expression contributes to making the battle of the sexes a Vietnam-like war which drags on forever with mounting casualties on both sides with no winners. our relationships are headed for serious trouble. He muses:
.” In his book The Five Love Languages. Hopefully you’ll discuss your comparisons and work toward a better understanding of what each of you requires from the relationship and agree to strengthen your bond as a result. Many of the “hot button” issues in the relationships between men and women. researcher. arise precisely from their evolutionary differences in perception and practice.”
Assess yourself and your current relationship according to their criteria. Eugene Kennedy. especially in the sexual fulfillment sphere.” Ferrell goes on to say that the “chances are very good that if our partners are not meeting our overall needs in the top five or six categories.
that “late-night talk shows on TV have provided a convenient bridge to a night’s sleep across which couples who wish to avoid sex relations may walk rather easily. “We’re more effective than birth-control pills. increased equality between the sexes. the sexual relationship. In this world. where hairs are always on the sink and little white spots cover the mirror. and marriage a battlefield. Intimate lovers can become enemies. power. Despite the fiery fallout of role redefinitions. where coats do not like hangers and socks go AWOL during laundry. a look can hurt and a word can crush. and status skirmishes and the rising independence of
. says researcher Eugene Kennedy. Late-night TV is only one of the “weapons” used in the war between the sexes. separate vacations. educational mismatches. who no longer really enjoy each other’s companionship and.Sex for the Soul
Welcome to the real world of marriage.” And it was no joke when Johnny Carson compared his late night show with his nocturnal competitors. Work. competing hobby and entertainment interests. in particular. and social one-upmanship are also weapons of mass relationship destruction. There are no winners in the war between the sexes. where arguments center on which way the tissue paper comes off and whether the lid should be up or down…It is a world where shoes do not walk to the closet and drawers do not close themselves. It has been observed.” Psychiatrist Alfred Auerback chorused the late-night host with an observation of his own: Probably one of the most useful functions of late night TV programs is to ease the coexistence of spouses who are bored with each other.
The art of intimacy. The Intimate Marriage. you hear less about “my heart” and more about “our hearts. like other artistic skills. it is the continuing achievement that results from the self-investment of two people who are determined to work at deepening the relationship—at turning the problems into possibilities. Rather. or relating in depth. trust. I believe better relationships between men and women are on the way. empathy. I agree with Charlotte and Howard Clinebell. and sexual fulfillment? Suppose emotionally and spiritually nurturing relationships were the rule not the exception? What would happen if the war between the sexes became the awe between the sexes?
. must be cultivated through disciplined practice.” Imagine a world where perpetual love. passion. mutual support. authors of an extremely forward-thinking book. If you listen with your heart. peace. respect. What can you do to initiate a more loving relationship which demonstrates compassion. forgiveness.The War Between the Sexes
women. In it they assert: A relationship in which there is growing intimacy rarely just happens.” The heart refers to “us” more than the brain’s language of “me” and “you. and harmony would define all relationships.
In what ways have you established mutual equality in your relationship?
. and beliefs about your shared sexuality.Sex for the Soul
1. Did you and your “love interest” compare the findings in Willard Harley’s research outlined in this chapter with your individual ratings as members of your relationship? If you have already made those comparisons. Describe how you and your “significant other” are different in terms of attitudes. In what ways are you similar? How do your similarities and differences define your relationship? 3. Are there more wars or skirmishes? Elaborate. Do you believe there will always be a war between the sexes? Are there times when there is a war between the sexes in your current relationship? Explain. values. what have you and your “significant other” done to reduce or eliminate the “hot button” between the sexes? 4. 2.
researchers Thomas Lewis. They report: In an experiment destined for perpetual notoriety in the pages of college textbooks.Chapter 5 The Anatomy of Attachment
“Those who love deeply never grow old. Harlow offered young monkeys a choice of two surrogate mothers: a wire mesh cylinder outfitted with a feeding milk bottle and
. they may die of old age. A General Theory of Love. Fari Amini and Richard Lannon explain the importance of emotional bonding over mechanical sustenance using Harry Harlow’s famous study of relatedness.” Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
n their book. but they die young.
mouse. Take a puppy (cat. It seems that short separations provoke an acute reaction called a protest. place it alone in an unfamiliar pen. etc. the more infatuated the little monkeys become. and security of those to whom they are attached. monkey. love. In trial after trial. squealed at her. I’ll use one more example from the animal kingdom and then I’ll get to the point. while lengthy separations produce despair. failed spectacularly to establish any bond. embraced her.Sex for the Soul
a terry cloth figure that offered no nutritive sustenance. His entire demeanor broadcasts his distress. mountain lion. agitation. Milk. He will pace tirelessly and scan his surroundings from every available angle in the pen.) from its mother. Without fail. These are all symptoms of the classic discomfort all social mammals show when they are deprived of the intimacy. the immature monkeys frequented the wire mother only long enough to dine and treated the furry mother as Mom: they clasped her. and hid behind her when alarmed. and fear. He will let out a piteous whine and whimper constantly. The separated puppy I mentioned in the previous paragraph will protest immediately. When young mice are separated from their mother. they emit nonstop ultrasonic cries of distress inaudible to human
. His protracted attempts to scale the sides of the pen end with the poor thing finding himself in a heap on the floor of the pen. the more a doll could be made to resemble a mother monkey. whether a reinforcing reward or an idsatisfying elixir. and you will create a replica of the universal mammalian reaction to the sudden rupture of the deeply embedded attachment bond.
When your notes. you experienced the protest response: a compelling urge to “just talk” to the object of your affections. In fact. we often see a spouse die soon after the death of their life’s partner. The song is always the same: the cry for attachment which is one of our unmistakable rites of passage. We literally can die of a broken heart. unavailable or inexplicably detained or delayed. If the separation becomes lengthy or permanent. psychologically. flowers. Once separated from our attachment figures. The drive to reestablish contact can become all-consuming. If you have ever been jilted by someone during the early stages of infatuation. and mountain lions show their fright and confusion with audible high-pitched whines. lose any inclination to play or socialize. letters.The Anatomy of Attachment
ears. you may drink and eat little. In his highly enlightening book Love and Survival. to the kitten’s high-pitched whine and the mouse’s ultrasonic peep. unanswered phone calls. and spiritually. and even lose sleep. affection deprivation. A sense of attachment (being included and feeling wanted in someone’s life) is critical to our health and wellbeing. Like your mammalian cousins. cards. emotionally. we humans (and our animal cousins) literally disintegrate physically. We humans have our own brand of a protest response. even when you understand that the other person is busy. public glimpses of your loved one which turn out to be someone else. indeed. you may become fretful or allow your lethargy to immobilize you. and repeated phone calls are unanswered. and
. Puppies. Dean Ornish examined the medical literature on the relationship between isolation. The pitiful attempts you make to reestablish contact are similar. cats. an abiding restlessness and nervousness. your protest— whatever form it takes—can become anger or despair.
. Another found that group therapy sessions more than double the post-surgical lifespan and quality of life of women who survived breast cancer. grief over the loss of a loved one. Oxytocin stimulates uterine contractions (labor) and milk production (nursing). of relatedness. our immune system becomes less stable and our cortisol levels (the body’s stress hormone) elevate. in combining sexual energies. even abnormal spikes appear on electrocardiograms. human sexuality is good for the soul. Sex-for-the-soul is about union and oneness. Sex-forthe-soul is a celebration of life. and become despondent and listless. It seems that mother and child’s neurochemistries underwrite their bonding. Results like these are compelling reminders that there is. something on a spiritual level as well that both magnifies and empowers the self. The physiological signature of separation anxiety. and despair over a failed relationship disrupt our bodily rhythms at a cellular level. Our heart rate lowers. A number of studies have found that children deprived of love stop growing physiologically and emotionally.Sex for the Soul
mortality. Put another way. He concluded that people who lack close social affiliations and intimacy are three to five times more likely to suffer a premature death than people who enjoy strong social ties with others. of relationships. lose weight no matter how much they eat. changes in circadian rhythms affect our sleep patterns. serrated. Other studies report that social isolation triples the death rate following heart attacks and strokes. of the importance of strong intimate attachments. It may interest you to know that a neurotransmitter called oxytocin is instrumental in forming the attachment we hear so much about between mother and infant starting at childbirth. Our POWs can testify to the devastation of isolation which is a moral violation even in war.
Generally. North Carolina. From time to time. They are aware of subtle cues from one another and even adopt nuances of each other’s behaviorism. but remain dutifully beside its master. The bond is evident. Infatuation. Their mutual presence is comforting and provides the closeness they need at both a physical and soul level. The social bond between owner and pet is strong and positively affects each other’s ability to endure the demands and hardships of life. It has long been known that older pet owners tend to be physically and emotionally healthier and
. Most of the time. For example. Both owner and pet spend time with each other and miss each other’s company when they are apart. on any typical day here in Holly Springs. you can witness this limbic chemistry at work in the nearest veterinary clinic. the animal will accept the affection from the stranger. One pat on the head or stroke across its back by its owner has a noticeably different affect on the animal. it seems.The Anatomy of Attachment
also gushes during teenage crushes as young people explore the meaning of intimate relationships. but attention received from owners is eagerly accepted and confirms the close attachment between two species separated in time by tens of millions of years. has its neurochemical roots—which is nature’s way of preparing humans for the attachment it takes to develop intimate relationships in order to survive as a species. the pets are standing near their owners or sitting on their owners’ laps. Affection from strangers is tolerated. peering nervously at an open door or glancing suspiciously at the pet across the lobby. A closer look at the anatomy of attachment shows us how the architecture of attachment bonds us to other species on the planet. someone will pat the dog on the head or stroke a cat on the back. where pet owners sit in the lobby with their devoted dogs and cats.
Long-standing togetherness and intimacy write permanent neural changes in the brain’s open book. in part. mind. On the other hand. From a cardio-energetic point of view. particularly in the aftermath of a serious injury or life-threatening illness. It is this unconscious kinship on a soul level that guides our choices in establishing intimate relationships. Deep attraction has its neurological implications. Behind the physical familiarity and conscious sense of awareness of a shared human heritage is a cosmic shadow of silent attachment.” Every mechanistic act of
. and spirit. Who we are and who we become determine.Sex for the Soul
outlive their counterparts who are not pet owners. It is important for you to know that each species seems to have a neural connectedness. and neuropsychologists have long known that ongoing intimacy does not merely activate neural patterns in the object of one’s affections—it imprints them. to whom we become attached both emotionally (limbically) and intuitively (soulfully). the two become one in body. In a few instances. One of the arguments of this book is to suggest that two becoming as one can become the signature of many relationships once they embrace sex-forthe-soul as their evolutionary limbic inheritance. the therapeutic effects of attachment also tend to keep pets alive longer when they have loving and supportive human caregivers. Biogeneticists. it may not be possible to engage in “casual sex. People who genuinely love and care for each other tend to recover more quickly from accidents and injuries. endocrinologists. a sense of oneness and kinship with its own kind. They have elevated their root sexual energies to an intense loyalty and commitment toward each other. The same attachment architecture applies to mutually satisfying and fulfilling human relationships.
Such a perfect union can only result from a powerful sex-for-the-soul connection where love conquers all. and the more we feel that we belong to this person. connective-energy exchange. The closer a potential mate matches these “neural nuances” the more enticed. When the feeling is mutual. and love. we are creating new cellular memories within and between two life systems.
. becomes a permanent cellular memory of and for each lover. security.” and whether or not we combine cells to make a new life.The Anatomy of Attachment
genital juxtaposition and mutual pelvic gymnastics may also be a vital-fluid. What we mechanistically refer to as a climax is really a powerful end to the build-up to an energetic bond. If our intent is to avoid energetic commitment. we refer to this rare attachment as a soulmate attraction. infatuated and loving we become. We are engaging in an energetic event that. Whom we become emotionally attached to is a function of neural pathways and patterns of behavior in people that match our ingrained sense of safety. no sex is “safe” sex. because of the principle of nonlocality and the fact that elements once in contact are forever connected. Whenever we “make love.
How do you respond to social isolation.Sex for the Soul
1. have you ever formed a bond under the guise of casual sex in an attempt to avoid energetic commitment?
. such as a loved one punishing you with the “silent treatment?” 5. Since there is no “safe” sex. Describe what the “neural nuances” look like in your current relationship and the extent to which they make you soulmates. When you experience a short separation from someone you love. 4. How would you describe the level of mutual attachment between you and your “significant other” in your current relationship? What do you believe your strengths and weaknesses are as a couple? 3. what forms do your protests take? What effects have they had on your relationships? What separations cause despair? 2.
it becomes sturdy and enduring. and soul connection. woman.” Hugh Brown
his chapter is a limited survey of the current perceptions and misconceptions. As a psychotherapist. as they relate to the soul. love. and human being. and myths and realities associated with sex and love. when properly nourished. Media mythmakers and the immoral rigidities of previous generations have misrepresented the sex. but neglected it will soon wither and die. my beliefs in the power of love and intimacy in personal relationships compel me to encourage you to
.Chapter Six The Heart of the Matter
“Love is a tender plant. mother.
While the emotional armor we carry to the hunting field may be prudent. how does one experience the magic of being swept off one’s feet with love at first sight when everyone is “just shopping” and your identity is coded in a secret handle or password in their shopping cart. such as fear and low self esteem. without compromise. today’s topsy-turvy atmosphere of sexual promiscuity has left most people. trust. openness. create the greatest barriers to intimacy. The New Sexuality. or validation in the “open game” season of today’s dating scene. In his highly informative book. The celebration is in allowing ourselves to be discovered which requires confidence. While both men and women are eager to share their lives with a life’s partner. Eugene Kennedy explodes many of the myths and fables. The contention of this chapter is that we must learn to love and be loved without counterfeit defenses and unnecessary obstructions. There was a taste of it growing up in the fantastic fifties. and belief in our authentic self. potential intimacy and a fulfilling relationship. single and married.Sex for the Soul
take the risk of self disclosure and transparency. In no uncertain terms he debunks those who distort our sexuality and sensuality:
. perplexed and confused. which is probably why the Fonz and “Happy Days” will be a rerun forever. However. our personal and emotional road-blocks. courage. and addresses the hang-ups embedded in our beliefs about our sexuality. Although I personally believe the internet dating services can serve as an effective means of bringing people together. How does one even begin to feel a magical moment. armored and paranoid. it creates a serious road-block to the sex-soul connection.
“then we are bound to follow a predetermined course which may be destructive to ourselves and others. Contemporary men and women have woven themselves into threadbare coats of sexual myths and it has not comforted or kept them very warm against the savage winds of (sensual) reality. something on a spiritual level that empowers and magnifies the higher self in each of us.” There comes a point where you have to strongly consider examining your beliefs about your sexuality as sacred communication between your body and your spirit. And that’s the heart of the matter: there is.The Heart of the Matter
Even though myths. our experience.” says Stanton Peele in his classic book on the art of genuine loving. and superstitions wear out or can be disproved … many people still (cling) to these fabrications … We remain vulnerable because of our long-ago learned fears about sex and are pacified by these distortions even when they are tyrannical or misleading … We must rid ourselves of these pathological notions and misapplied understandings .. “If we cannot fathom our motivations and see the patterns our relationships assume. our knowledge. or we seal ourselves up and wither away in our self-imposed myths and distortions of reality.
. our willingness to grow sexually.. rumors. We do not want to be caught in the passive drift of myths about sexual rightness and fulfillment. There are only two directions in which we can travel when it comes to our growth and development: either we broaden our perceptions. in combining sexual energies with someone you love. giving us the strength to overcome adversity and to cope with life’s challenges even during tough times. lies.
In many instances. Perhaps the oldest misconception is the one that equates sexual experience with love. and closeness that can only be achieved by an intimate relationship that has evolved over time. All too often people look for sexual experiences as a means to offer or receive the warmth. However. The heart of the matter is their primary motivation is usually not sexual. To feel guilty about our sexuality is to disrupt the internal harmony of the body. but the wish to feel important. The issue is that a full appreciation for the mystery of love rests with your willingness to ground your sexual nature in your spiritual nature in order to transform your life and your relationships. misconceptions.
. Much of the impulsive sexual activity we find so prevalent today exists because people fear they are unattractive and undesirable so they give themselves sexually to multiple partners in order to achieve popularity and validation. sexual desire is a natural body response to arousal and excitation.Sex for the Soul
The issue is not so much that there are myths. and wanted. The two may not be the same thing. because myths and misconceptions about these areas will always exist. my intent is to share a few of the more persistent ones which best relate to sex-for-the-soul. acceptance. and distortions about our sexuality and its relationship to our spiritual health and emotional wellbeing. While it would be impossible to account for all of the misconceptions and distortions about human sexuality in this brief assessment. sexual liaisons are attempts to coax loving responses from someone (even strangers) which serve as surrogate encounters for the desired warmth and affection each sexual partner knows exists but has not experienced. Many people feel guilty about their sexual fantasies and desires. loved.
When people feel guilty about their sexual desires and fantasies. Dr. In every sexually suppressed person there are tendencies toward perversion … and every pleasure-deprived person is tempted by the escapade that promises fun and (fulfillment). centers on the size of a man’s sexual equipment. The Neanderthal idea that a large one is important to a woman’s libidinal gratification and that the possessor of such a king-sized organ is more
. they are unable to participate fully in the sexual nature of their relationships. I believe much of our destructive sexual behavior is caused by the guilt we feel about our sexual nature. having sensual feelings does not imply that we must act upon them. but which is shamelessly exploited by the entertainment industry. And it is the feeling of guilt that makes people act in a destructive manner by preventing the natural self-regulatory processes of the body. Under these “limited libido” sexual experiences. Alexander Lowen agrees when he cautions us: “People are made to feel guilty about their pleasure strivings … A major part of all psychotherapeutic efforts is directed toward the removal of guilt feelings in order to restore the integrity of the personality.The Heart of the Matter
mind.” Guilt creates a vicious self-defeating circle. In every (one of us) there is a streak of rebellion that can break through at any time. Lowen goes on to say: It is the feeling of guilt that undermines the ego’s power to control behavior in the best interests of the individual and the community. they cannot be fully satisfied or reach the enjoyment they could have if they fully accepted their natural instincts. Dr. One of the great all-time misconceptions which research should have put to rest. and soul connection. Of course.
The heart of the matter is that not only can people continue to perform sexually and receive immense sexual gratification long after they are senior citizens. It will take a long time for men to overcome their self-consciousness about their sexual equipment. it is driving (sexual partners) frantic and wearing them out throughout the land … The goddess of myth must have been on fertility pills because she has given birth to (this) myth concerning simultaneous orgasm. has become the “new seal of approval in sexual relationships. most people equate libidinal openness with sexual performance. “Kegs” of medical evidence show that alcohol acts as a depressant on the nervous system which means it negatively affects sexual performance. says sex researcher Eugene Kennedy.” Another misconception would be comedic if it were not so disastrously misleading. Laid not so quietly to rest is the misconception that alcohol is a sexual stimulant. it doesn’t enhance our sexual prowess. it still persists as the ultimate achievement in lovemaking: the simultaneous orgasm. While alcohol may make us more social and even sensual. Another lover’s traditional misconception is that his or her love will change the loved one. However. The notion that young people have a decided advantage over older adults in sexual relations was retired long ago by human sexual behavior researchers. Although this misconception is long overdue for interment. but their well-practiced experiences and their sensual sophistication allows them to enjoy a rich sex life. This misconception runs deep in the consciousness of our race. because alcohol lessens our inhibitions. The simultaneous orgasm. that it will transform the
.Sex for the Soul
potent than a man lesser endowed has been shattered by tons of careful research.
The sex act itself. a direct heart-to-soul connection with another human being. no matter how meaningful and pleasurable. can only occur when we are grounded in our own mature.The Heart of the Matter
object of one’s affections into the ideal image of the perfect mate. relationships are a gamble. sensitivity. and finding the courage to
. learning to relinquish the many strategies we have employed to feel safe and in control. to reach the unveiled part of ourselves that is deep enough to express the most profound and untamed aspects of our being means learning how to love and be loved without defenses and without obstructions. the loved one “will be as deeply. it can be painful indeed. Far too many people spend their entire lifetimes searching for the “right” love in the wrong places. richly. says Allan Fromme. author of The Ability to Love. They contend that: To cut through our personal differences. Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons. Unfortunately. healthy. families or church to recognize the difference between romantic interest and infatuation. tell us that the way we felt about ourselves when we first fell in love is the way we can feel all of the time.” Few of us are prepared through school. For most people. and selflessness. authors of Undefended Love. The place to start is a full recognition of the important connection between sex and the soul. enduringly able to love as we believe we are ourselves … When disillusionment comes. It means cultivating the capacity to be emotionally present even when we feel exposed or vulnerable. Our intimacy. is only one way to communicate our sensuality. and fulfilled selfhood. Perhaps the most subtle and dangerous of all of the misconceptions is the distorted view that sexual intercourse equals human sexuality.
Reuben’s book. intrigue. and we can never again feel emotionally disconnected. incomplete. or unloved. and fulfillment. dreaming. or disturb them. acting. and taboo areas of the sexual nature of human beings. and potential. praying. happiness. The paradox of “feeling in love and being in love” is that two human beings can become one and yet remain two individuals. and soul. One of our deepest human needs is to overcome isolation. and soul which has obscured the true source of our wholeness which is the inte-
. To separate them fractures our spirit and causes us to limit our health. Our thinking. and spiritual union between two people.Sex for the Soul
love without guarantees or requirements. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask. It is the connection between sex and the soul which unites them. independence. mind. emotional. intuiting. Many people choose to stay on the periphery of those aspects of sexual knowledge which puzzle. The average person is usually embarrassed to ask questions of a sexual nature and is forced to act as if he or she understands more than he or she does. feeling. Mature love is a physical. while at the same time preserving their individual identity. our heart. It is the separation of body. Through developing the capacity for intimacy in this way. separation. In fact. captures the reticence and guardedness of most people to admit how curious they are about basic sexual activities let alone the exotic. loving. and aloneness. and resting are all complimentary aspects of who we are. erotic. Dr. we discover love as an abiding presence in the emotional center of our being. that’s one of the reasons I wrote this book: to help people realize there is no separation between body. mind.
The Heart of the Matter
gration of our sexuality and soulfulness. We all hear of these rare human relationships in which two people love each other so much that they really are one in spirit. Sex-for-the-soul is as much about personal health and wholeness as it is about a mature relationship with someone else. without apology or hypocrisy. However. They are inseparable. these relationships exist. The heart of the matter is their relationship is based on oneness and solidarity. Hopefully. This kind of loving relationship may seem like a figment of someone’s imagination. At best it may seem a bit old fashioned and unworkable in today’s admittedly individualistic society. love the other completely.
. we’ll find the core and the heart of the matter. we will chip away at the stale misconceptions. and misrepresentations of what good relationships should be. Each is able to be who he or she is. Their sexuality is their spirituality and their spirituality is not separated from their sexuality. They are centered in both their personhood and togetherness. you are likely to see the other nearby. As I wondered what might be a fitting conclusion to this chapter the following question came to mind: What might the consequences be amidst the topsy-turviness of the social changes that constantly pummel our relationships? With any luck. Whenever you see one. and I’m arguing that you can have such a relationship too. The necessary ingredients for any successful intimate relationship are the blending of two personalities and the integration of healthy sexual impulses which establish mutual equality and fulfillment. myths. and yet be adult enough to share intimacy in a relatively unselfconscious and highly affectionate manner.
what would you have done differently if you had a chance to do it over again with a clear conscience? 4. How would you define sexual rightness and fulfillment? For you.” how have you managed to keep feelings alive and at the same (or very nearly the same) intensity? What can you do today to rekindle or resurrect the flame?
. What questions do you have about human sexuality as a whole? How many “counterfeit defenses or unnecessary obstructions” can you identify in your relationships with others that negatively affect the trust. 2. what is the heart of the matter? 3. openness. all of us have felt a little guilty about something we have done of a sexual nature. What is your ideal image of the perfect mate? How close are you to being the perfect mate yourself? 5.Sex for the Soul
1. At one time or another. and harmony you believe you could enjoy by resolving those pinch-points. Looking back. As you examine the way you felt about yourself when you first fell in love with your current “significant other.
exploding that form. so to speak.” It is a journey that will take you to your human energy field (aura) and the universal lifeforce that moves through time and space. Intuition is the walkie-talkie. literally. It is a journey into your very essence as a spiritual being in human “clothing” or “skin school. to a place of balance between sex and the soul.Chapter 7 Chakra Sex
“Love is the richness and fullness of your soul flowing through you.” Gary Zukav
our journey into understanding and appreciating your own sexuality will open doors to a mystical process within you that will take you back to your spirituality. So powerful is the energy of the soul that it could not advance into a physical form without. creating and sustaining all things.
. between the personality and the soul.
The late Bishop. astral light. Researchers agree that there are seven principal chakra centers. noted clairvoyant and theosophist. nothing could exist. Philosophers. located up and down the entire length of our spine. mystics. or vortices. orgone energy. Through the chakra system. The term “chakra” is derived from a Sanskrit word which means “wheel of light” or “revolving wheel.” Chakra sex is the term I use to define the interpenetration of our higher spiritual energies with the lower sensual energies which create the balance and harmony necessary for our survival. and each other. we exchange sensory information and energy with our environment. the Egyptians named it ka. The ancient Hindus called it prana. the universe. and more recently. magnetic fluid. and scientists from all cultures and from all eras have studied it for thousands of years. ki. and bioenergists refer to it simply as Bioenergy. Franz Anton Mesmer. etc. Wilhelm Reich. astral light. astrophysicists. alchemist Robert Fludd called it spiritus. Its importance to your understanding of your sexuality will become obvious a little later.Sex for the Soul
This life-force comes from God and has always been here.) through vibrational centers called chakras. theosophists. including one in our head. the Chinese. we would not exist. called it the Force. Without this energetic melding of spirit and matter. the Hebrew Kabbalists. the Force. C. in his Star Wars series. John Lucas. Leadbeater. particularly as “the Force” relates to your aura which is the dynamic electromagnetic energy field created by the flow of the universal life-force (ka. They have called it by many names to declare its essence.W. Pythagoras coined it as a monad. Without it. observed that these chakra “wheels” rotate con70
. Hippocrates believed it was the Vis Medicatrix Naturae.
our chakras have different “vibrations” that cause each of these centers to operate differently.” Moreover. The following paragraph is related to spin and gets a bit technical. our deepest feelings (our limbic or emotional nature).” These energy centers (gateways) help us understand who we are and why we experience things the way we do. When your chakras are healthy and balanced. Christopher Hills. and our sense of who we are (our creative neocortical nature). that “the energy centers are vital to the continuance of the state of aliveness of the physical vehicle (the human body). they spin in a clockwise direction. each of the chakras draw energy from the electromagnetic currents in the environment and from the chakra centers below. Mark Gallert tells us that the chakra centers are “points of electromagnetic interchange between our spiritual bodies and our physical bodies. Dr. Dr. In a clockwise spin. Each chakra has a different color vibration which corresponds to its psychodynamic function. reports that the vortices within each chakra are spirals creating both positive and negative channels of energy. but it’s important that you have a general understanding of the nature of each of these centers because their spin has an immense impact on your overall health and well-being.” He asserts. They hold the bioenergetic keys to our survival (instinctual nature). as do all of the bioenergy specialists. Just as our instinctual.Chakra Sex
stantly and “receive an inrush of energy which the body needs to exist. emotional. and creative brains have different functions. (Sexual chakra energies move from the bottom chakra up and spiri71
. a widely recognized authority on radionic and chakra energies and their effects. Each particular color is created by the vibrational frequency caused by the chakra’s spin (openness).
Another of Hills’ contemporaries describes the flow of shakti energy. which moves up the
. It is the alchemical connection between our sexually. grounds us to our lower consciousness and redirects our sexual appetites. Anodea Judith.) A counterclockwise spin is evidence of an unbalanced and unhealthy center and drains our bodies of the life-force that sustains us and protects us. There are many conceptual frameworks which describe and outline these centers. Without a healthy heart chakra. The life-force (shiva energy) that enters our crown chakra. Like the other accepted frameworks. heart center. astrophysicist. Unhealthy chakras sap your physical. emotional. according to one of Hills’ contemporaries. sacral center. throat center. The lower three chakras move at lower vibrational rates and center on our physical needs. but the one I outline here is based on Dr. A dysfunctional chakra is much like a leak in the plumbing system of your home which reduces the water pressure everywhere in your house. and philosopher. and spirituality. The seven chakras are. cold-bloodied interests instead of humanitarian. The upper three chakras move at faster vibratory rates and operate to satisfy our higher spirit and soul needs. metaphysician. and crown center. sensuality. from bottom to top: root center. his features seven chakra centers that run at various intervals along the human spine from head to mid-body. our primitive instinctual nature dominates our emotional and creative natures causing us to pursue selfish. The heart chakra (center) is the electromagnetic bridge where sex and the soul meet. solar plexus center. Christopher Hills who has spent all of his professional life as a radonist.Sex for the Soul
tual energies move from the crown chakra down. brow center. and libidinal energies. spirit-led interests.
our understanding of who we are and why we think and act the way we do. It also may explain
“chakra ladder” and opens us up to the higher. we cannot connect our sexuality with our spirituality. the function of that particular chakra will tend to control our thoughts and actions. our higher energies keep one particular center from dominating the flow of energy. of course. Much of the sexual abuse. the flow of energy through the heart center is reduced or blocked entirely. Each of these examples is extreme. a child who has been rejected many times when he or she sought love and affection from inattentive or disinterested parents may suppress his or her inner feelings or attachment as a means of self-preservation. our ideas cannot move from thought to imagination. Most important of all. crime. people who have strong sexual and emotional energies which tend to run rampant are “stuck” in this chakra. If we get stuck in the energy of one chakra. Highly creative people who keep their proverbial heads in the clouds and seem to have little common sense are examples of a “stuck” brow chakra. For example. and our creativity cannot be channeled into action. more revitalizing spiritual energies. Let’s take a brief look at the function of each of these chakras since they have a direct bearing on our feelings and views of our sexuality. but I’m sure you know people who resemble both of these extremes. People who suffer physical and mental abuse or are victimized by ongoing violence also tend to shut down the heart chakra. Without this grounding. For example. and violence we are experiencing in our world today stems from a dysfunctional heart chakra. When feelings like these are reinforced over time. The important thing to remember about the chakras is that they dramatically affect your personality development.
. ethereal. “that is the very source of all our potential. to deny our physicality is to deny our spirituality. Hills’ research and the studies of other prominent scientists show that the human body is a resonating energy system that is a blend of the physical and the spiritual. it is the seed from which our lives grow … It is the origin of every experience we have ever had of love. Just as water can appear at different energy levels (gas. The vital breath of the life-force which passes through our chakras maintains the link between our physical nature and our invisible true self. author of The Inner Game of Tennis.Sex for the Soul
any difficulty you may have embracing the very real connection between sex and the soul. and soul. Our human sexuality is our spiritual biology. “There is something within every human being. deduced. mind. their location. Its presence within can be intuited. solid. it is our sex-for-the-soul connection that causes our invisible. and importance. You may want to read that statement again because it is one of the most powerful statements in this book. liquid.” says Tim Gallwey. Figure One gives some basic information about our chakras. and spiritual body to “vibrate” in its solid human form. and it can be experienced directly. truth or beauty. Each interface between spirit and matter strengthens the connection between our body.” I believe the direct experience Gallwey refers to is our ability and willingness to seek more opportunities for chakra sex so we can keep all of our energy centers open and receptive to spirit. Each of these chakra centers are living energy vortices which are in a constant state of flux. and read about. function. So. steam).
arch of the rib conclusions are drawn on cage the strength of hypotheses and theoretical proofs. controls “fight or flight” response. Crown
On the crown of the head
Figure One. Clairaudient. people. visionary tendencies. Throat
6. humanitarian interests on a global scale. intellectual. works well with authority. requires instant gratification. attachment to things (money. concerned with survival and the physical aspects of sexuality Just below our Emotional aspects of navel in the pelvic sexuality. can defer immediate gratification for future good.Chakra Sex
The Seven Chakras
1. Center of chest Security oriented. social awareness region and involvement. Base of Neck Conservative. safety oriented. clairsentient clairvoyant.
5. seeks balance and harmony. The Seven Chakras 75
. Just below base Analyzes events logically. prefers to work with concepts. Sacral
3. See spiritual and mystical connections. Brow
In the center of the head. Heart
Keeps us aware of the present. of sternum in the systematic and organized. emotional security). behind the eyes and between the ears
7. love for humanity. material objects. visionary. possessive. expressive. comfortable with status quo. hindsighted. analogies and metaphors. foresight. Solar Plexus
4. prefers tradition and history. resists change. advanced conceptualizer. at the perineum
At the bottom of our torso. highly intuitive. extremely intuitive.
other things being equal. Just as chakra sex unites the energy centers throughout our body. it’s true that the senses can lead you astray and the pursuit of pleasure can get you in trouble. could have been writing about chakra sex when she said: “Just as sexual energy has helped us out of our spiritual state into the body. In the next chapter. author of Sexual Energy and Yoga. to play. and between spirit and matter. It gives us permission to be happy. But you won’t gain good health by repeatedly vetoing the vote of the senses and denigrating the wisdom of the body … Nature was neither capricious nor perverted in making sure that.” The sex-for-the-soul vision for wholeness encourages us to become more aware of who we are and how we can expand our sensual capabilities so we can become one in body. so it can help us to return in full awareness to our divine state of wholeness. we will explore the power of Tantra to repair the schism between sex and the soul. George Leonard sums it up when he says: Yes.
. what feels good is good for you. to love. a little “Tantra between the sheets” brings opposites together into a spiritually-centered sensual whole. and to be comfortable with our sexuality. and spirit within ourselves and hopefully with another. Chakra sex provides wonderful opportunities for integrating all aspects of ourselves so that the innocence of our spirit remains intact and enhances our natural capacity to enjoy life. mind. between male and female. Sensual pleasure needs the guidance of practical and ethical judgment.Sex for the Soul
Which of the chakra centers do you believe is the predominant one in your life? Which is the least dominant? What does that say about both your sexuality and your spirituality? 3. To what extent do you believe your human sexuality is your spiritual biology?
. What shape is your “bridge” in? Is it a footbridge or a large expansion bridge? Does it span a wide gulf or a narrow one? How close is your sensuality to your spirituality? 4. As you learned in this chapter. What have you learned in “skin school” about your spirituality? 2. How grounded are you in spirit? How spirited are you in your grounding? 5.Chakra Sex
1. your heart chakra is the bridge where sex and the soul meet.
As you live in the light of love. and giving love the only answer. The call for love is the hidden plea in every question. There is no problem in the universe that love cannot solve completely.you see the path from the highest perspective.
. and your course of action is made clear to you.
it is no longer an act of transitory pleasure in and of
.Chapter 8 Tantra Between the Sheets
The first peace … comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship. and … that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit (which) is within each of us. There is no empty feeling when you are a spiritual partner making love to the person you adore because you touched their soul first.” Dr. but deepening our appreciation of the true meaning of the sex act itself. Wayne Dyer
here is more openness about human sexuality today than there has ever been before. their oneness with the universe and all its powers. For many. Today the chief issue is not about access to sex.
While sexual experimentation will remain a force in human sexuality.
. there are those who realize that our ego. I have included a chapter on Tantric intimacy because I believe it is one of the best practices we can adopt to bring more soul into our sex and more sex into our soul. Readers already familiar with Tantra will find its treatment in this chapter to focus mainly on its spiritual roots. He or she has a deep sense of emotional.” Those who practice Tantric intimacy concur with Grof’s appraisal. it is a philosophy of spiritual sexuality. tries to divert our attention from our real sexual potential. entertainment. “strikes like divine lightening that destroys all limitations and obstructions. and spiritual liberation and gains access to breathtaking realms of cosmic inspiration and insight.” says psychologist Stanislav Grof. conquest. Tantric sexuality is a wonderful expression of the love and intimacy two people can share as they seek to honor one another physically and respect each other spiritually. Tantra is more than sexual techniques. Another one of the key themes I propose in this book is that we need to bring more soul—the spiritual side of our highest potential —back into our human sexuality. Using sex for emotional relief. Readers unfamiliar with this ancient sex-for-the-soul practice will find that it honors the soul with the body and cleanses the body with the soul. intellectual.Sex for the Soul
itself. The individual is flooded by the light of supernatural beauty and experiences a state of divine epiphany. with its penchant for immediate gratification. “Tantric ecstasy. and provides entirely unexpected solutions. or as a self-serving romantic rendezvous to reassure us that we are attractive and sexual is beginning to lose its appeal for many people.
” None of these assumptions does Tantra justice. The joyful dance between Shiva and Shakti. Still others call it the “yoga of sex. beauty.” The word itself refers to a series of esoteric Hindu books that describe specific sexual rituals. Tantra sees the creation of the world as an erotic act of love. body. the sacred language of Hinduism. and disciplines. between our consciousness and God-given energies. expand. meditations. we become one with Spirit. oneness with God. with uninhibited. to put forth. spread. oneness with others. mental bliss. is reflected in everything and manifests itself as pleasure. the goddess Shakti (pure energy). in India. and happiness. Those who don’t understand Tantra might view it as a sexually explicit love manual for cults or a New Age version of occult sex therapy. to manifest. It is a spiritual discipline that invites the body to participate so that mind.Tantra Between the Sheets
Perhaps the most prevalent view about Tantric intimacy is that it has some connection with Oriental religion. The
. Tantra sees sexuality as a somatic doorway to physical ecstasy. and all of them miss the essence of Tantric intimacy.C. The ancient Hindus believed that. Hinduism’s oldest sex manual. It comes from the root word tan and means “to extend. The great mystics of the Tantric tradition encouraged people to abandon stale. and to weave. through uniting spiritually and sexually with Shiva (the Hindu god who represented pure consciousness) and his consort. The word Tantra is Sanskrit. and spiritual enlightenment. erotic sex. Tantric practice began around 5. and with the hundreds of lovemaking positions and techniques outlined in the Kama Sutra. and soul can become one. The ultimate goal of Tantra is unity: oneness within ourselves.000 B. conventional attitudes about their sexuality and embrace the whole spectrum of life.
She was the consort of the Buddha Padmasambhava in eighth-century Tibet and viewed Tantric intimacy as a sacred dance between two souls. also known as “Kundalini-yoga. The orgasm of the brain resembles the smooth sense of floating. in which body. Margo Amand. A modern-day disciple of Tantric wisdom.” The Tantric traditions passed down to us by these masters invite us to see Tantric intimacy as a sacred sexual practice to improve the relationship between our bodies. author of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. mind. an enlightened woman who was called the Sky Dancer and the Female Buddha. Drukpa Kinley and Yeshe Tsoguel. Masters of the ancient Tantric tradition include the legendary teachers Marpa and Milarepa. as if the boundaries of your body are expanding … From the Tantric perspective this “orgasm of the brain” greatly stimulates the brain cells and creates a bridge between the right and left hemispheres. fusing the intellect of the left hemisphere with the intuitive faculties of the right…It is this fusion that creates the experience of ecstasy. soul dynamic associated with Tantric ecstasy: Most lovemaking is very dynamic.
. the spiritual and the sexual. mind. You move vigorously. minds.Sex for the Soul
Tantric masters saw no contradiction between the sacred and the worldly. and souls. explains the body. heart and spirit participate. and you breathe hard. Each of these Tantric disciples spent years under the guidance of a teacher to learn about the sacred dance of the life-force. building up sexual passion until you explode outward the energy in a final release … Orgasmic sensations flood the brain which experiences its own kind of orgasm.
Tantric sex is “high sex. heart. and spirit. more gender-equal form of lovemaking. mind.Tantra Between the Sheets
Far from being a complex. It is not my purpose here to fully
. People are human and they desire to grow with a partner with whom they can love and trust. offering a multitude of erotic and sensual experiences that become increasingly subtle and ecstatic … Orgasm is the first step.” The Tantric philosophy holds that “all sexual relationships contain the essential element of merging union.” It teaches us how to unlearn.” Many people today. particularly after the events of September 11. It allows men and women to enjoy sex and to experience mutual spiritual fulfillment. Achieving the Tantric goal of unity can take a lifetime of study and practice. A little Tantra between the sheets really is good for the soul. Tantric intimacy is the path people choose to satisfy their sacred wants and their spiritual needs. gentle practice that helps people bring the sacred to the sensual and the sexual to the spiritual.” In many respects.” It also helps us distinguish between “high sex and lower sexual pleasure. “It teaches us that the ordinary orgasm of release is not the only goal of sexual intimacy. have rededicated themselves to their religious faiths and aspire toward deeper spiritual growth. It provides us with intimate communication skills. esoteric discipline. 2001 and the constant threats of terrorist attacks both here and abroad. Tantra is a clean. the one base and the other sublime. transform and apply the body’s natural responses to a higher. It is a way of honoring sexual union as a bridge between “body. Bliss is the last. True Tantric intimacy inspires us to discover and then trust our own uniqueness in the realm of the erotic. and therefore have the potential for a higher spiritual experience. and prepares us for sacred ecstasy. The whole body can be transformed into an erogenous one. enhances mutual sensitivity.
to stay awake. relationship that Tantra offers.” Here are a few of the basic tenets of Tantric lovemaking that make Tantra between the sheets the perfect sexual forum for sex-for-the-soul: ! In Tantric lovemaking. ! The postures of each of the partners are equally balanced and harmonious so that neither partner has a monopoly on the dominant position or is relegated habitually to the submissive role. in the most literal sense. sexually compatible. but to introduce the Tantric tradition as a highly evolved relationship tool to help couples become more loving. ! Couples learn to moderate sexual excitement so they can control their sexual arousal and postpone orgasm in order to
.Sex for the Soul
describe the Tantric system. is in fact the key to the passionate and evolutionary. mutual touching and caressing and melting body into body create a Tantric reverence and peacefulness that transport each partner into a state of bliss. and spiritual. As Charles and Caroline Muir so aptly point out: “To be considerate. the human body is seen as the divine instrument of sacred sex. the aim is to bridle orgasmic energy into yourself so that it ascends toward the crown chakra. No part of the body is considered embarrassing. of the other and the we and the I. unimportant or shameful. culminating in Tantric bliss. ! Breathing rhythmically together. ! In the Tantric tradition. perhaps revolutionary.
through mutual discipline. far from paving a way that glorifies the egotistic search for pleasure. ecstasy. ! The focus on joint meditation creates a sense of mutual serenity and wholeness as each of the sexual partners enjoys the tranquility of the moment. ! Tantric intimacy involves stillness as much as it does merging to create the psychological space for love and affection to deepen. in which to enjoy sexual union. to honor our sexual desires
. and lighting are used to stimulate the senses. each caress. ! Tantric partners perceive in each other the image of god and goddess to ensure that each touch. flowers. both partners learn to pace their passion in order to make love to each other reverently and selflessly. and every kiss is one of reverence and respect. ! Tantra teaches that the body is the somatic temple of the spirit and that by involving all of our senses we increase our capacity for intimacy. ! Great care is taken to select a hallowed atmosphere. and joy. Special aromas. ! In Tantric lovemaking.Tantra Between the Sheets
remain centered and attentive to the other’s needs in their sensual union. Tantric intimacy encourages us. ! Careful attention to each other’s body language and emotions keeps the couple conscious of all aspects of the sexual union and ensures that Tantric lovemaking is a holistic experience. As you can see. colors. the perfect environment.
patience. Through a tremendous outpouring of psychic energy in total devotion and worship for this other person. lovemaking is not just a sexual event. happiness. an eighteenth century Hasidic master. is an ancient art. as I’ve said before. who is respectively god or goddess. Play to Live. suppose that is what they truly are and that your eyes have by your beloved been opened. you … see him or her as a divine being. selflessness.” From this intimate perspective. puts it this way: “To love is to return to a home we never left. playfulness. Couples who practice Tantric intimacy enter into a state of grace. In his insightfully instructive book. lovemaking. the Sanskrit root of the word art means “suitably united. At once it bounces back to you and you discover your own. Sexual intimacy. Sam Keen.” In high sex (Tantric intimacy). the divine center in them. to remember who we are.” each of the practitioners (lovers) must be well-versed in a multiplicity of skills such as touch. in order for Tantric intimacy to be a legitimate “art form. The body language of Tantra “aims at reintegrating the vocabulary of passion and love with the sacred speech of spirit. author of The Passionate Life.” Lovemaking.Sex for the Soul
and passions as tithes to spirit. mystic Alan Watts captures the holistic essence of Tantric intimacy: When you are in love with someone. Interestingly. and bliss. you realize. The Tantric path is one of mutual bliss and fulfillment. is essential to our health. it is a necessary part of our spiritual unfolding. Now. “was for the purpose of lovemaking.” said Reb Hayim Haikel.
. hygiene.” The word “suitable” is important because. and reverence. “Creation. then. conversation. massage. by total fusion and contact.
in reality.” She is right.Tantra Between the Sheets
Tantric sex doesn’t mean falling in love in the conventional sense of romantic infatuation or magnetic attraction. of course. Without intimacy. and free will. From a Tantric perspective. Intimacy is a pre-condition for Tantric lovemaking. “Most of us in committed. it isn’t sex that opens the door to intimacy. I firmly believe that the majority of people today have not truly experienced what it means to be intimate with another human being. I want to say a few more things about Tantric intimacy. and companionship because we fear exploring the mysteries that we embody together as a man and woman. “settle for predictability. and helping each other resonate sexually and grow spiritually. Intimacy involves a letting go and a surrender. They feel grateful for each other and blessed by their mutual love and respect. but intimacy that keeps the door open to sexual ecstasy and fulfillment. Couples who are intimate with one another value the oneness they share and see their union as sacred and holy.” says Robin Norwood in her book Women Who Love Too Much. who our partner is. comfort. Tantra doesn’t work. but elevating intimacy by understanding who we are.
. stable relationships. control. and people are not willing to take a chance on expressing or exposing unknown parts of themselves that would make them vulnerable to another’s control. sexual satisfaction occurs as the “crowning act of intimacy between two people. Yet in our fear of the unknown within us and between us we ignore and avoid the very gift that our commitment sets within our reach—true intimacy. People fear intimacy because they fear loss of personal power. The truth about Tantra between the sheets is that.” Before we leave this discussion on Tantric lovemaking. the exposure of our deepest selves.
fearful attitude that implies giving up responsibility for one’s actions and bowing to another’s authority. surrender means to melt or fuse into that which is higher or greater than yourself. In the next chapter. couples surrender to the god and goddess within so they can establish a direct link physically. mind. but they are worlds apart. techniques. trust. Through Tantric intimacy. I will introduce Tantric exercises.Sex for the Soul
Surrendering to the will of another and trusting another’s motives are essential ingredients in any relationship. Tantric intimacy depends on the trust and surrender of both partners. it is not my intent to replace Tantric methods with my own. Many people confuse surrender with submission. In other words. and rituals that will help awaken your inner lover so you can keep your love tank full. surrender comes from the root words render (to melt or fuse) and sur (super. or highest). exalted. and reverence. The purpose of Tantra is to achieve that oneness in body.
. Submission is a passive. and spiritually with the God of the universe. and spirit. On the other hand. mentally. Although I will offer my own interpretation of the ancient Tantric practices from a 21st Century point of view. emotionally. The methods I present are sacred sexual sacraments which can help couples become aware of each other in an atmosphere characterized by greater expressions of love.
5. entertainment. How do you think you would feel if you practiced sex-for-the-soul (Tantra) and found that it really does honor the soul with the body and cleanse the body with the soul? 3. Have you ever “paced your passion” in order to assure your partner’s ecstasy and full enjoyment during your lovemaking? Ask yourself how your sensitivity made the sexual intimacy more spiritual. imagine how it would feel to become one with the universal life force. mind. the perfect environment. or as a self-serving romantic interlude to reassure yourself of your sex appeal or human worth? What were the circumstances? How did any of those experiences deepen your body.
. How important is it for you to create a hallowed atmosphere. How often have you used sex simply for emotional relief. in which to enjoy sexual union with your beloved? 4. and soul connection? 2. conquest.Tantra Between the Sheets
1. When was the last time you “surrendered” to another during your lovemaking and felt that you melted or fused into something greater than yourself? If you’ve never experienced that.
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Chapter 9 Keeping the Love Tank Full
“Life is for singing, creating and dancing; and if we are really lucky we will find someone with whom we can sing, dance and create.”
ccording to traditional folklore, the wise fool, Romeo Negato, a legendary marriage and family counselor, once wrote the following letter to his wife, complaining about the dire state of their sex life: To my dear, loving wife, During the past year I have tried to make mad, passionate love to you 365 times. That’s an average of once per day for a year, and the following
Sex for the Soul
is a list of the reasons you gave for rejecting my amorous advances: It will wake the children: 15; It’s too hot: 7; It’s too cold: 3; I’m too tired: 16; It’s too late: 19; It’s too early: 3; I have a headache: 16; Backache: 6; Cold: 2; Pretending to sleep: 33; The window is open and the neighbors might hear: 9; I’m not in the mood: 31; I want to catch the late-night show: 18; Too drunk: 7; I need to finish reading this library book: 7; Is that all you think about?: 62. Dearest, do you think we can improve on that record during the forthcoming year? Your devoted, loving, pleading husband, Romeo Even if poor Romeo gave his wife the benefit of considerable doubt, it seems clear that his wife has lost interest in sexual intimacy. To her, their lovemaking has become an unappealing and boring proposition. Although we may laugh at poor Romeo’s plight, his situation reflects a contemporary malaise in many relationships. Why do relationships that began with so much sexual excitement and experimentation frequently degenerate into a mindless accommodation of a dreary obligation? Why are so many couples, who used to have a good sex life, losing interest in sexual intimacy? What causes such a void in human relationships? Why are many relationships so inhibited when it comes to sexual intimacy and exploration? Like poor Romeo above, we ask ourselves, “Do you think we can improve our lovemaking during the forthcoming years?” The answer, from a purely Tantric perspective, is a resounding “yes.” Psychologists and counselors know
Keeping the Love Tank Full
that lack of sexual desire and sexual dysfunctions can come from stress, depression, marital discord, poor health, fatigue, time and opportunity constraints, and a fear of sexual intimacy itself. Hopefully these exercises will create a structure and environment to break through emotional barriers and inhibitions and allow you to experience a greater joy. Spiritual sex arises out of both partners’ desire for union through uninhibited self expression. In fact, as you let out your lust, you create the foundation upon which to build your temple. You need not do anything about your sexual arousal unless your heart is in agreement. Lust disguises itself as love only when you have failed to know lust intimately. Lust needs no heart, but love is enhanced when it includes lust. It is not sexual denial but spiritual sex that leads to enlightenment. In fact, forced celibacy creates repression, not enlightenment. If you are feeling a resistance to following the formulas, you need to examine why the resistance is there and what is feeding it. Anger, resentments, fear, and past traumas are frequent causes that must be resolved with honest, open communications with your partner or with a counselor. If you feel vulnerable or trust is lacking, intimacy can be viewed as a real threat, but very few of life’s pleasures are experienced from your comfort zone. As George Carlin, the stand-up comedian, said, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” Go for it! The clinical name for this widespread void in human relationships is called Inhibited Sexual Desire (ISD). Sex psychologist, Margo Amand, believes that many couples have “grown one-dimensional in their lovemaking. They become bored and uninterested in the repetitive nature of sex and neglect to draw upon (their imagination, creativity and) other aspects of (themselves) for intimacy.” I believe
Sex for the Soul
she is right. Variety is the spice of life, as the saying goes, and I believe couples who love each other using a variety of sexual techniques will experience a depth of intimacy that enriches, enlivens, and enlightens their relationship over the long haul. Have you ever taken a long automobile trip and forgotten to fill your gas tank? If you have, I’ll bet you haven’t neglected to fill your tank on subsequent trips. Part of the physical preparation for a long trip is making sure you have enough fuel to get to your destination. When it comes to developing and maintaining long, loving relationships, it is important to keep your love tank full so you won’t suffer the same embarrassment our friend in the story above experienced. When it comes to cultivating the type of intimacy that creates long-term relationships, the need for body, mind, and soul refills is constant. By dedicating our body, mind, and soul to our relationship, we are making a mutual commitment to enhance its happiness, stability, longevity, and intimacy. With all the stresses and demands of modern life, couples need to find imaginative, wholesome, and mutually satisfying ways to preserve and develop the equilibrium and peace essential for lasting relationships. Intimate, respectful lovemaking helps take care of the sexual side of relationships and deserves the same care and attention that couples give to career development, educational accomplishments, child rearing, financial investments, retirement planning, and religious affiliations. Keeping the love tank full, in its deepest sense, means ensuring the union between two people in every aspect of their relationship. It means that the relationship is not just the physical union between two consenting adults but the reenactment of the divine principle that the two shall become one.
” says mystic Nicholas Berdyaev. aspects which characterize male energies are called yang. and as you surrender into the unknown. Esoterically. and in holding each other heart to heart and letting your energy flow. you will remove the pain of any walls between you. this oneness is considered a state of perfect bliss.
. “is four-membered rather than two-membered: it always means the complex union of the male element of the one with the female element of the other. In Tantric intimacy. and of the female element of the first with the male element of the second … The mystical life of the androgyne is realized not in one bisexual being but rather in the quadripartite union of two beings.” All of these descriptions are accurate because all of us possess both masculine and feminine energies. In this surrender and release. Tantric couples seek perfect balance. you will become of total service to your lover. in the East. and ecstasy where their differences become complementary strengths in their relationship. deep and lasting love. new possibilities arise from the innocence of your creativity to ignite your love. and those with female qualities are called yin. As you tenderly touch each other’s face. As you explore the dance of intimacy with thoughts and words to trigger the source of all life. opening deeper levels of intimacy. such as experiencing financial abundance. harmony. respectful lovemaking (Tantric sexuality) is an invitation to the sacred mystery of the combined powers of masculine and feminine energies. On a spiritual level.” June Singer calls it the “mystical marriage” and Christopher Hills sees it as a “chemical wedding. From a worldly perspective. the goal is for yang and yin to come into perfect balance. “The union of the sexes.Keeping the Love Tank Full
Intimate. you can perform “white magic” by visualizing the way you would like your life to be.
trust. comfortable position. (Unfortunately many dysfunctional relationships are etched in stone. Take a slow. Allow ten-to-fifteen minutes for this spiritual exercise. what you envision at the moment of orgasm plants a powerful seed on that deep level of consciousness which. it is important that each of you observes the body posture (straight back) precisely. or equally comfortable and secluded place. or spiritual void. if not obstructed with doubt. Sit (clothed or naked) facing your partner in a relaxed. will ultimately manifest into reality. for stable relationships are not necessarily healthy.Sex for the Soul
total healing. “White magic” can literally change your life.) Tucked away in the nuances and variety of each of these techniques are high-octane sexual and spiritual fuels that will keep your love tank full. It is inspired by the traditional namaste greeting (pronounced nah-mah-stay) used in the East which signifies the salutation: “I honor the god/goddess within you. respect. where you can be insulated from bothersome distractions. or even world peace. an upright posture aligns the chakras and sets your energy moving in the most beneficial way.
This exercise will remind you of your inseparability and mutual expressions of your wholeness as a couple. I believe the following Tantric practices will help fill it with the love.” As in all of these exercises. As you have learned earlier. Although this exercise may seem simple. Being open and receptive.
. create a private space in your home. physical. If your relationship is experiencing an emotional. deep breath and keep your back straight. and desire that make unstable relationships stable and stable relationships solid and healthy.
Gaze intently into your partner’s eyes. Exhale slowly.
Both you and your partner close your eyes and inhale slowly through your nose. Separate your palms. Bring the palms of your hands together in a prayer position and place them in front of you about chest high. Hold this contact for a few moments as you breathe easily. and extend your hands slightly
. and as you do so.Keeping the Love Tank Full
Sit close enough to your partner so that you are approximately one to one-and-a-half feet from one another. Keep your back straight and your palms in the prayer position as you remain seated. lean slightly forward so that you gently touch foreheads with your partner. foreheads touching.
Take a few deep breaths and end this exercise with a kiss.
Relax in a quiet place which is interruption-free and conducive for relaxation and intimacy. Greet each other again by saying namaste aloud as each of you returns the other’s sacred greeting with a smile. Realize that by honoring the god/goddess within. and your left palm fits against your partner’s left palm. Focus on your breathing and on the meaning of namaste (I honor the god/goddess within you). End the spoken greeting exchanges by whispering the greeting three times in succession to each other. Repeat the sequence of three whispered greetings to each other as you maintain contact with each other’s sternum. and place your right palm on your partner’s sternum. Breathe easily between each pronouncement as you repeat the salutation several times between the two of you. and honor for the other. reverence. First one of you and then the other says namaste out of respect. With this new prayer position completed. Open your eyes and gaze lovingly at your partner. close your eyes and feel the increased energy and warmth that this position of mutuality conveys. Each of you lower your left hand to your lap. you have expanded your touch and honored the sacredness within each of you as human expressions of divine being.Sex for the Soul
toward your partner so that your right palm fits against your partner’s right palm. Lean back slowly to your original position without altering your combined prayer position of interlocked hands. Ensure your privacy
Breathe in slowly through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth a couple of times. The time you spend with each other is not only quality time.Keeping the Love Tank Full
from telephones. Find a comfortable seated position facing each other (clothed or naked).
Notice your own breathing as well as the rhythmic breathing of your significant other. It is important that you eliminate or mute distractions so you can devote your undivided attention to this exercise. Sit as close as you can without touching. traffic noise. Now decide which one of you is going to count to ten out loud as the “silent part99
. visitors. the radio. Relax and close your eyes. but sacred time as well. TV. Place your hands in your lap or on your thighs. etc.
both partners reestablish eye contact and mentally repeat the affirmation “I behold the God-ness in you. both partners close their eyes again as they visualize white light around their partner as well as themselves. Exchange counting duties and repeat the inhalationexhalation sequence three or four times by coordinating your alternate counting.Sex for the Soul
ner” inhales to the count of ten. Breathing should be slow and rhythmic as each partner sees the white light expand to engulf both partners in a cocoon of white light so that the two become one in spirit. alternating counting chores. and stands to end the sacrament. the couple leans forward. Each partner’s breathing should now be in sync with the other’s rhythmic breathing. Repeat the process outlined above except this time the partner doing the counting can open his or her eyes and admire the countenance and attractiveness of the other. Repeat this exchange a couple of times.
Cast a spell on your lovemaking by using essential oils (Jasmine. With eyes opened now. kisses one another. bathe with your partner in water infused with up to seven drops of aphrodisiac oils. Finally.” After four-to-five minutes. Blend the drops into a teaspoon of almond oil and add the exotic mixture to your bath water. Before making love. Exhale as your partner counts slowly from ten to one. Rose Absolute and Sandalwood are favorite aphrodisiacs). flowers and fragrances to tantalize your libido.
. Give your partner a relaxing and sensual body massage which is focused solely on relaxation or enjoyed as a prelude to lovemaking (in or out of the bath).Keeping the Love Tank Full
Stir the water thoroughly to disperse the oils evenly and then invite your partner into the tub or Jacuzzi. Clary Sage adds a touch of euphoria. Use aromatic soaps and lotions to bathe one another to make bathing together a sensual experience. Juniper relieves anxiety and tension. Lavender and Geranium help get partners in the mood.
Breathe deeply to inhale the aromatic essences. Basil is known for igniting sexual energy. Vary the aromatic essence to suit the occasion. Spend as much time as you need to enjoy each other.
on the eyelids and across the temples. sensitive. blankets or other bedding materials. The beneficiary can express his or her appreciation through sighs and sounds that reflect the effect of the tactile electricity generated by each careful stroke. Decide who will begin the erotic stroking and who will be the beneficiary. or from the face and head downward. Ginger brings warmth and tenderness. Have the beneficiary lie on his or her back in a relaxed. on pillows. It helps each partner appreciate the other’s erogenous zones and involves intimate contact with one another—from head to toe. on down comforters. Play your favorite music. the fingertips are used as “magic wands” to convey the loving energy of the one to the other. In this exercise. The giver can begin stroking from the toes upward. An aroma therapist might also be consulted. across the
. Once you have adjourned to a quiet.Sex for the Soul
Frankincense instills calm and serenity. and use your favorite scents to set the mood. above and below the eyes. plush rugs. secluded place. dim the lights.
Tender Loving Strokes
This erotic exercise fulfills the desire for sensual contact independent of the need for sexual culmination. These expressions of fingertip tenderness will generate a bit of electricity as each of you stroke your partner’s body in the usual as well as the unusual places. comfortable position. disrobe and make yourselves comfortable on the bed. Be sure to stroke behind the ears. The tactile goal is to touch the partner’s body all over with light. at the request of the beneficiary. compassionate strokes.
down the arms and inside the elbows. inside the thighs and around the pubic area. inside the ankles and across the top of the feet. down the back of the legs and thighs. around and on top of the nipples. Tantralize the wrists. down each side of the spine. upper arms and elbows. across the waist and buttocks. Position yourself so you can stroke your partner’s entire body from top to bottom.Keeping the Love Tank Full
cheek bones and the ridge of the nose. and around the heels and bottoms of the feet. behind the knees and down the calves. down the sternum and around the naval. and begin your fingertip stroking on the back of the head and neck. around the neck and under the jaw. by using one continuous fingertip stroke with both hands. across the shoulders. palms.
Ask the beneficiary to roll on his or her stomach. gently under the feet and between the toes. and fingers. and any other area the beneficiary requests. on the lips and in circular motions across the chin. or bottom to top. Ask your
Use your hands to sculpt your part104
. Allow the effects of your erotic treatment their due course. Let the love and tenderness you feel for your partner flow through the warmth and length of your strokes. comforting yet purposeful. Always massage your partner with love and respect by honoring his or her body as a divine instrument of spirit. sensual overtones. You may want to take a brief intermission. Use oils and lotions to produce soothing effects. or sexual advances.
Apply your strokes according to the mood and goals you have established. Your touch should be firm yet gentle.Sex for the Soul
grateful partner to turn the front of his or her body several times to interconnect all parts of the body. tender yet playful. Massaging can be therapeutic. vary the lighting. sensual. or modify the scents. and sexual. This exercise can easily move into the next level of Tender Loving Strokes. or relax before you receive the fingertip tantralizing. enjoy a snack. You may wish to change the music. and then switch roles with your partner. by massaging one another.
Exhale slowly. and so on.
Sit (clothed or naked) close to your partner and hold your partner’s outstretched hands. Straddle the hips of your partner to amplify the sensuality of your strokes. Now as you mentally move up the chakras again. Move back down the spine in the same fashion. Trace the curves and contours from the neck and shoulders to the breasts. and feet. Couples can massage each other or one or the other during the time they have set aside for the intimate exchange. orange. Hold your breath for five-to-ten seconds as you feel the energy of the root chakra. inhale and then stop breathing when you reach the root chakra (red).
. blue.) Begin at the root chakra and then bring that awareness up through each successive chakra until you reach the crown chakra. enjoying each other sexually. taking a romantic walk. and violet. You can end this exercise any way you wish—relaxing beside one another. Inhale as you move to the sacral chakra (orange) and bypass the root chakra before you hold your breath at the sacral center. napping. The important thing is to give and receive each other’s strokes in a mutually satisfying manner. indigo. Focus on the color of each chakra: from red. green. Hold your breath at the sacral center for five-to-ten seconds as you feel the energy of the sacral chakra. cooking a celebratory meal.Keeping the Love Tank Full
ner’s body as you trace its geography. focus all of your awareness on your spine as you keep your eyes closed. yellow. buttocks. To practice this exercise. (Your partner does the same.
moving up through each chakra. Intentionally move to another chakra and spend whatever time there you feel is appropriate.
Now send your chakra energies (red through violet) down your arms and through your partner’s arms so that your chakra colors overlap your partner’s chakra colors along his or her spine. but only holding your breath at the next higher center.Sex for the Soul
Repeat this process. Bond with your partner’s chakra energy.) Feel the power and dynamism of your partner’s energy. Visualize the effects of your visit. Feel the reciprocal chakra intimacy. Move to another chakra and pay attention to the feelings you sense from each center. Mentally move along your partner’s chakras until you feel the urge to stop at one particular chakra center. (Your partner does the same. Notice its color and feel the message your partner is sending you. Repeat this process until you reach the crown chakra.
mind. uplifting thoughts and feelings. The inside position is usually occupied by whoever feels most in need of TLC because of an inordinate amount of stress or strain. Feel the essence of that chakra. and intimacy.Keeping the Love Tank Full
Now agree as a couple to focus your combined energies on the same chakra. Couples assume the “cocooning position. and spirit. Reach joint agreements on issues and concerns related to improving your relationship. lying on the left side doesn’t interfere with the clockwise flow of the chakra energies. Spend five-to-ten minutes anointing the chakra with positive.” They lie together (clothed or naked) back-to-chest on their left sides. Now openly discuss the functions of that chakra and its relevance to your relationship.
This exercise may or may not be employed for sexual outcomes. and so on. the couple aligns their chakras front-to-back and feels the warmth of
. whoever has gotten distressing news. Tucked together in their human cocoon. energy. The chief goal for sensual cocooning is usually to nurture one another and to exchange empathy.) The partner in the inside position is enveloped in the arms of the partner behind him or her in the outside position. Develop an action plan and begin immediately to schedule any chakra-related activities that help the two of you become one in body. Many couples use it at the end of the day when one of the partners has had a particularly stressful day and needs a large dose of tender loving care. whoever is the most tired. or whoever is depressed. Enjoy the excitement and arousal you feel associated with that chakra’s function. (In the Tantric tradition.
chanting. Whoever is behind the other can hold his or her partner on the stomach (3rd chakra). bed. chest (4th chakra). the overall purpose of the intimate contact is to nurture and support one another physically. and singing or remain silent. and spiritually. or they can visualize and/or meditate. and caress one another or remain still.Sex for the Soul
one another’s bodies. emotionally.
The couple can synchronize their breathing. Organize your time and select the perfect place so that you
. They can make love or go to sleep. to focus on the energies associated with that center. One partner can inhale while the other exhales to synchronize their energies. or couch as they kiss. forehead (6th chakra) or genitals (2nd chakra). Whatever form their cocooning takes. It is a full invitation to each other for sexual union. and so on.
The purpose of this exercise is to experience spiritual intimacy. massage. They can lie on the floor.
Allow your most sensual and sexual aspects to merge. Pay careful attention to each other’s movements. Your respectful. aesthetic. perfumed. The polarization of the energies from heaven entering our top center and the earth energies through the base center provide pleasant feelings of pulsating energy which align us with our soul energies to provide the energy-based foundation for healing the whole body and developing spiritually. Ritualistically relieve yourself of your clothing to stimulate your taste buds. secluded. sensitive. Enjoy each other fully and without inhibition.
These are only a few of the Tantric techniques that will keep your love tank full. Prepare your sex sanctuary so it is warm. and joyful union is a chemical wedding of spiritual energies. Enjoy a small snack before you “snack.” Play your favorite music. Acknowledge your oneness as you surrender to one another and blend your masculine and feminine energies.Keeping the Love Tank Full
do not feel rushed or inhibited. whispers. Experiment as you give pleasure to one another. and aromatic. and comfortable. Modify the lighting to set the mood. Honor one another’s bodies as sacred temples which house divine energy and cosmic potential. Enjoy the foreplay. Offer each other a glass of your favorite wine or fresh fruit juice to moisten your appetite. and joy. ecstasy. Dedicate yourselves to each other’s happiness. Renew your lovemaking. Fall into moments of stillness and reverie. Kiss and stroke each other to awaken your sexual energy. and breathing. There are literally thousands of Tantric
Sex for the Soul
techniques in hundreds of books and manuals that offer guidance in the art and science of lovemaking. The heart is more that just a pump. He explains that the heart not only loves and feels.
. respect. To be excited by life. and spirit of Tantric intimacy. as well as regulates immunity. and commitment to your mate. starting with the techniques introduced in this chapter and then amplifying them with the ones you discover in your own research and reading. The important thing is to incorporate ways to express your heartfelt love. I invite you to expand your lovemaking repertoire. so too the pain of loving is the price we pay to benefit from the healing power of love. "(This) may explain why loving can seem to feel like such a sacred occurrence representing the merging of two souls finally freed of obstacles to their energetic connection established by their selfishly defensive brains." as author Matthew Fox explains. Just as there can be no day without a night. not frightened by it. remembers. Concentrate on mutual openness as you begin to master the art. and spirit. but also thinks. and the same ocean that brings us peace and calm becomes a destructive force in a hurricane. is the experience of authentic power. it conducts the cellular symphony that is the very essence of our being. holds the secrets that link body. Push yourself beyond your old routines and stale limits. Consult any bookstore or go online and you’ll find all the resources you need to keep your love tank full. mind. Paul Pearsall's research in The Heart's Code reveals how love and health are intimately related and proves that the human heart. The energy we exchange in loving another is a heart transplant without the surgery. not the brain. science. and communicates with other hearts.
and overall impressions which make sex-for-the-soul essential for the development of your relationship. Discuss your perspectives.
.” particularly as it relates to your body. and soul oneness? 4. mind. differences of opinion. Philosophically reach agreement on a definition and set realistic goals as a couple to add more reverence and spirituality into your lovemaking. What do you believe the impact on your relationship will be when you incorporate each of the Tantric practices described in this chapter into your love life? 5. If variety is the spice of life. How many of the poor Romeo misfortunes have you experienced or initiated during the past year? How do you feel about this “intimacy void” if it applies to you? What do you believe has caused it or contributes to its continuation? What are your mutual plans to fill your love tank? 2. what kinds of sensual variety can you and your mate agree upon to spice up your relationship? 3. Both you and your partner define sacred sex in your own terms.Keeping the Love Tank Full
1. To what extent does your relationship qualify as a “mystical marriage.
to hope. to know. a taste of Heaven below!
. ‘Tis an essay.To love is to believe.
You will give your partner an incomplete person who is afraid of being discovered!” Dr. may lie in our need to see sex as a sacred sacrament. from how many packets of Splenda he likes in his tea and how much time she needs to wake up in the morning before you talk to her.Chapter 10 Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
“If you are incomplete. Wayne Dyer
ne of the greatest differences between yesterday and today. and fidelity. between our parents’ relationship and our own requirements for love. that is all you will have to give away. intimacy.
. as well as each other’s most passionate and erotic sexual preferences. Love and intimacy in relationships encompass all aspects of knowing our partner.
becoming so immersed in each other that our lives become living testimonies to our oneness. and achieve common interests. world-views. He says: If you claim a universal oneness is impossible how can you account for that irresistible instinct in each of our hearts which leads us towards unity whenever and in whatever direction our passions are stirred? . Yet each member of the couple remains a separate and independent contributor to the shared values of the relationship. Religions have compared this “mystic oneness” to the transcendent oneness we seek with the divine. Anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski refers to the “almost mystical bond” between couples who have what are considered to be strong relationships.Sex for the Soul
Today. and rituals. Through time and the myriad of experiences they share together. It means the sharing of our very souls. What does this phenomenon of mystic intimacy reveal if not a deep accord between two people which seek each other? This “mystic oneness” does exist. couples develop their own patented habits. and the “mystical bond” that characterizes strong relationships is only possible when there is a strong love connection between both
... practical matters and unforeseen challenges they face form a mutual coping strategy that becomes uniquely their own. All of the routine. traditions. and abilities to reach important decisions.. People who doubt such a “cosmic bond” would do well to take the words of Teilhard de Chardin to heart. talents.. How has psychology been able so consistently to ignore this fundamental vibration whose ring can be heard by every practiced ear . intimacy has come to mean even more. meet mutual goals. The couple welds their backgrounds.
sexual. Jews and Muslims alike: Love is patient.Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
members of the couple. endures all things.” I would add one more characteristic to both definitions: when each member of the couple sees the divinity in the other. their union becomes a sacred bond and everything they do as a couple becomes a sacred sacrament. believes all things. but in the truth. It would have to be a perfect love and a sacred union between two people. hopes all things. then the state of love exists. wholesome. love is kind. which is cherished by all of the religions. as I mentioned above. The definition of perfect love.” What I have learned from both my psychotherapy practice and my professional speaking business is that there are few couples who are truly “sacred unions. Hindus. It does not insist on its own way … It does not rejoice in wrongdoing. love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. is expressed almost word for word in all of the sacred texts. are universal and used by Buddhists. consider this: when couples have the courage and wisdom to integrate their sensual. including their lovemaking. It bears all things. The one I will use here is taken from the Christian tradition but its variations. they achieve a level of oneness that can truly be defined as a “sacred union. I believe the loving relationship described above is possible and I would add the views of American psychiatrist Harry Stock Sullivan as a suffix to the Biblical definition: “When the satisfaction and the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction and security. and explorative ways. and spiritual selves in practical.” But they do exist
. If that’s too strong of a statement for you.
finding a shared purpose and deep satisfaction in their lives. I am absolutely convinced that one of the most disastrous mistakes we have made as a species is to have separated our spirituality from our sexuality. and healing power released through sexual expression has been overlooked. There are couples successfully creating new balances. creative. There are almost six-and-one half-billion of us now. I believe we can be just as dazzling in our interpersonal relationships once we embrace the true meaning of our sexuality and see it as one of the sacred sacraments that gives testimony to our divinity. We receive the physical aspect of that life-force through our grounded sexual energies. and coping with the 21st Century realities at hand. Interfaith minister. and cultural empires are testimonies to our ability to rechannel our sexual energies for the good of the human race. Richard Wolman.” I believe sacred sex is that common language. Harvard psychologist. Alan Seale. says we need “a language to describe sacred experience that can point to commonalities of encounters with the ineffable. This primitive. Their “couple charisma” is powerful and magnetic. Our very complexity has made us an enormously powerful and successful species. technologies.Sex for the Soul
and I have met some of them. but which is not burdened with religions or ideological overtones. The more we extend ourselves in exploring our higher dimensions of consciousness. warns us that the “sacred. sexuality. the more rooted or grounded we must
. They have extraordinary relationships. physical desire energy feeds us our basic life-giving essence … and is essential to completing the full human and spiritual experience.” Our sensuality. Our dazzling cities. and spirituality are all aspects of the same universal life-force. and our spiritual energies from our divinity.
the cars are not attached to the track. a sacred gift to each other.
. and fidelity. The same holds true for us. a testament to their love. technological. while fueling the significant fires that burn up human ego to dissolve the illusion of separation. In this receptive state of united bliss. To achieve ultimate freedom. A good analogy for ensuring our sexual groundedness is a roller coaster. Even if all the cars except one are well-tracked. you must surrender into the flow of sexual energy and become formless. but a need associated with our deepest emotions and our quest for emotional security. we will limit our overall progress as spiritual beings in human bodies. they would fly off the rail at the first turn. we will be derailed if we are not grounded in our sexuality. both yours and your partner’s. Sexual fidelity is not just a vow in marriage or a moral and religious belief. Since all the cars are firmly connected to the tracks (grounded). your body lights up and your life lightens up. If we lose our connection to our root chakra energy. The gift of your sexuality is that it is a profound modality for the ecstatic affirmation of human love and an expansion of your energetic aliveness. As we seek to raise the level of our urban. the roller coaster can travel at a high rate of speed making all kinds of turns and loops.Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
become in our sexuality. Sex between two people is a symbol of closeness. love happens and happiness and fulfillment unfold. If. Breaking the pledge of sexual fidelity is an abandonment of our spiritual roots and a betrayal of the soul. When it is awakened. which can be the vehicle into spirituality rather than an obstacle to it. however. and cultural genius. devotion. there would be difficulty. and pride ourselves in our intellectual achievements and exploits. thus escaping from mind traps that keep you absorbed at the thought level.
Dr. The classical chakra system recognized by many theosophists and spiritual disciplines correlates almost exactly with Hawkins’ map of consciousness. 800 and above. David Hawkins. has found a way to measure the full spectrum of human consciousness and how human energy fields relate to the universal energy field. few couples can build the necessary trust and respect. Root chakra loyalty is an essential ingredient in keeping sex as a sacred sacrament. For couples who share a sacred union. and the needed belief and assurance in each other to experience oneness. Dr. Interestingly enough. with the level of 200 being the fulcrum at which selfishness begins to turn to selflessness … People who are motivated to serve others.Sex for the Soul
Without a clear sense of sexual fidelity. 500 to the heart chakra. Mystics and advanced spiritual teachers have had their energy fields calibrated at 700. His exhaustive research has resulted in a calibrated scale (1 to 1000) which measures human consciousness and awareness. who honor a higher calling or principle which benefits others … act out of love and compassion … who are motivated out of humility and selflessness … calibrate at 400 to 500 and above. For example. the level 600 or above corresponds to the crown chakra. Hawkins has calibrated the energies associated with love to be at the 500 level. 200 to the solar plexus. While he is not speaking specifically of the intimate communication between couples who integrate their sensu118
. Hawkins reports that: The scale of consciousness may be seen in one aspect as a scale of ego. sexual fidelity is a part of the larger emotional loyalty they enjoy as a central tenet of their relationship. Dr. kinesiologist.
head-to-toe or sex-to-soul communication. it promotes continued growth.Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
ality. Ritual and ceremony are important parts of a rich spiritual life because they allow us to see what is truly important. honoring one another’s contributions and perspectives. and to act reverently in its incorporation into our lifestyle. and respect everyday observances. respect. sexuality. The heightened level of consciousness experienced by couples who see their sexuality as a sacred sacrament and express that sentiment through their heartfelt communication. and mental aspects of lovemaking into sacraments which celebrate oneness. intimacy. Whether it is heart-to-heart. We can create intimacy and wholeness by weaving the spiritual. and fidelity. it is clear that the constellation of feelings and the nature of the thoughts associated with sacred sex apply. honesty. physical. we have raised our relationship to an offertory. happiness. By becoming intimate with our partners at all levels of conscious choice and action. and abundance. mind. devotion. emotional. When we consecrate our oneness by making truth. selflessly serving the needs of the other
. we feed our soul as well as our senses . equality. we have elevated our relationship to the level of a doxology. trust. we have transformed our relationship into a hymn of joy and devotion. and spirituality. we have a high range of choices and a wide spectrum of consciousness in which we can operate. As human beings. and fidelity are “calibrating” at just as high a level as the great religious teachers and masters. Once we express our sexuality as a sacred sacrament. lovemaking. and spirit. It is time to unlearn the old beliefs about sex and sexuality which no longer serve us so we can experience sexual oneness and spiritual intimacy. health. When we become one in body. When we are able to resolve our differences. to practice what is meaningful.
the bond that is formed will make human relationships cathedrals to oneness. we have transformed our relationship into a cantata of such power and grace that the angels themselves will chorus their approval. on a soul level. They have made love for play and pleasure only. these types of selfless.Sex for the Soul
and seeing the union as the earthly sanctuary of two soul mates. Good relationships take time. I believe every act of selfless love and devotion is a tithe to the soul. each partner delightfully works perfection in the other. Sometimes they search in the wrong places and with the wrong people. That may be one reason why the divorce rate is so high: people intuitively. I certainly don’t condone.
. People are searching for meaning. know that the perfect relationship for them exists. Once the two opposites are joined (sexuality and spirituality).” Does that sound like an ideal relationship? You bet! Does it sound like yours or someone you know? Perhaps! But. as I’ve said before. do exist. Thus. and have forgotten its relationship to Spirit. and commitment. sexually fulfilling partnerships. and that includes sexual intimacy between two people who love each other “with all of their hearts. sexuality. and wholeness. love. somewhere. sacrifice. The sacred is characterized by the reconciling of opposites and there is no greater gauge of the greatness of a couple than the consciousness of its sacrality. those who mindlessly throw one relationship away after another to find their true love. That’s why I’ve written this book: to show people that sex-for-the-soul is the human connection to Spirit and Spirit’s connection to humans. all of their minds and all of their souls. and spirituality in their lives. patience. nor do I support. Couples have misunderstood the connecting roles of sensuality. although rare. respect.
body. We touch your eyes (gently touch the eyelids of your partner). representing humanity. now act to restore your power and freedom. We. with the person receiving now closing his or her eyes. We touch your lips (gently touch your partner’s lips). for I have found this ritual to be one of the most liberating and empowering exercises I have ever experienced. I suggest playing your favorite soothing and relaxing music softly or for some. Simply sit facing each other in whatever position is most comfortable for you. Have a copy of these words in view so that the person performing the ritual softly says the words while touching his or her partner as the script guides you. silence brings its own beauty. This has the power to create a strong personal transformation and freedom to more openly receive the love and energies given and received in the Tantric exercises. and soul in all aspects of your being. and you are free to speak. To free your mind. representing all those powers that crippled you. We lift the burdens and chains of the past from you. we. and you are free to breathe.Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
Ritual for Freedom and Empowerment
I am offering this as my special gift to you. and restore to you the full capacity and pleasures of the sensation of touch. We touch your chest (gently touch your partner’s chest). take your hands (gently take your partner’s hands). You may wish to record these words and simply perform the ritual with the tape guiding you. and in so doing restore your vision that you may see clearly and delight in a freshness of vision. Breathe deeply and feel the life force flowing throughout as you inhale and as you exhale.
and revitalizing your inner core. brother. we free you to love and to be loved. representing your father. and you are free to think and know the fullness of your possibility and realize your full potential. We. the freedom to love and be loved. it is yours. In accepting that love. and free you to express yourself sexually. of life within. representing humanity. mother. of movement. and all of humanity. reenergizing.Sex for the Soul
Feel the life force flowing within you. of breath. We welcome you to freedom. to bliss. sister. and joy. now feel every cell of your body opening to the love of the universe and in accepting it. We. Feel the freedom of life. Know that we accept you and honor you as a harmonious part of the great whole. lover. rejuvenating. friend. We touch your forehead (gently touch your partner’s forehead). do now set you free.
. peace. Loving you. embrace you (now embrace your partner lovingly).
To what extent is sex a sacrament in your relationship?
. If you had to rate your level of conscious awareness according to Dr. traditions. explain how you know. Hawkins’ 1 to 1000 scale. Do you and your partner have couple charisma? Explain. To what extent do they unite your sensuality. Think about the patented habits. world views. what would your numbers look like? What does that say about your relationship with your higher self? How does your “bonding” with your partner affect your rating? Does it raise it or lower it? 6. What would you say are the five essential qualities that make a couple charismatic? 5. Have you ever felt that you and your partner share a mystical bond? If so. and spirituality? 2.Sex as a Sacred Sacrament
1. how do you think it would feel to experience a mystical connection? 3. and rituals you enjoy in your current relationship. If you aren’t sure. How would you define the “perfect love” as it relates to human relationships? 4. sexuality.
An authentically empowered person lives in love. In the Light of love there is only love. Love is the energy of the soul. but to nurture. They are the foundations of authentic power. clarity and love are the dynamics of freedom. forgiveness. Humbleness.
. not to dominate.The loving personality seeks not to control. It (love) brings Light. Love is the richness and fullness of your soul flowing through you. but to empower.
harmony. explored together. without a full appreciation for sacred sex-for-the-soul. we would only be a momentary blip in the universe. our sexuality and spirituality must by honored equally. which is our human connection to Spirit. On a soul level. As I think about the future of human beings and human relationships.A Personal Note
ex-for-the-soul is the process of dissolving our physical boundaries so that we can become one with the soul. a relationship becomes a power conduit for Spirit. it is clear to me where we must go in terms of the peace. we have merged the masculine and feminine energies that underwrite the movement of the entire universe. and legitimizes us. Because we are both human and divine.
. validates. Without this integration. and enjoyed simultaneously. Our union confirms. On a human level. When we double that connection by becoming “one” with someone else. we validate our being and existence because we are bathed in love by someone whom we have come to know and love. and connectedness we all seek. both as individuals and as a valued member of an intimate relationship.
How great the mistake. How muddled the tangle. people like you wouldn’t be reading books like this. wholeness.Sex for the Soul
Spiritual sex is a marriage between sexuality and spirituality. Otherwise. No sin that enough love will not redeem…. and bliss that we will ask ourselves why we put more emphasis on outer space exploration than inner space. When your sexual roots explode into the earth. It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble.
There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer. I believe our trajectory has been corrected. No disease that enough love will not heal. You are on the cutting edge of a renaissance in human relationships where sex-for-the-soul unites flesh and blood with the immortality of the Spirit. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all… If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world. No will that enough love will not throw down. and brings our relationships to a state of such goodness. your spiritual wings can fly freely into heaven. How hopeless the outlook. No door that enough love will not open. Emmet Fox
. No gulf that enough love will not bridge.
Willard. Press. Thomas. Chapter 3: Barber.W.Bibliography
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. NY: Harmony Books. Malinowski. Boston: Shambahala Press. Evans and Co. Boston: Shambahala Press.W. Norton Co. as quoted in Challenges of the Heart.. 2000. Boston: Porter Sargent. Nena. 1977. Seale. O’Neill. Bronislaw and Robert Briffault. 1985. NY: W. 1956. Sullivan. The Marriage Premise. 2001.
Other Products by Edie Raether
Hypnosis Tape/CD Series: Anorexia Bulimia Cancer: The Mind as Healer Drug & Alcohol Abuse Fly Without Fear Forgiveness for Spiritual Renewal Golf: In the Zone Healing Broken Relationships: Reclaiming the Self Pain Control Panic Attacks & Phobias Presentation Skills:
Speak Like a Pro
Personal & Professional Development — Tape/CD Series: Unleash Your PowerZone™ Kick Your Dream into Action: Empowerment and
Making It Happen:
A Psychological 4th of July
Be Your Own Rainbow:
Affirmation & Visualization
Power Communication for Impact and Change Negotiate Like a Pro Healing Ourselves:
The Mind-Body Connection
Sleep Easy Sensuality: The Path to
Relaxation for Stress
Overcoming Procrastination Management Beyond Parenting: Sales Strategies Unleashing Your Child's Self Confidence Potential Stop Gambling Wings for Wishes: Building Stop Smoking I Children’s Self Esteem Stop Smoking II Stop Your Worrying! N Study Skills and Memory Stutter No More See next page for books by Weight Control I Edie Raether Weight Control II
Books: Why Cats Don’t Bark: Unleash Your PowerZone Intuitive Intelligence .Q.The Other I. Work & Money From a Woman’s Perspective Magnetic Leadership Rekindling the Human Spirit Walking with the Wise 303 Solutions for Accomplishing More in Less Time 303 Solutions for Developing the Leader in You 303 Solutions for Dropping Stress and Finding Balance
Forget Selling: The Art of Influence for Powerful Persuasion How Winners Think—What Champions Do Contributing Author to Anthologies: Fantastic Customer Service Inside & Out How You Can Increase Your Sales in Any Economy Life.
EPA. and women’s empowerment and is an expert resource to hundreds of publications. sales.000 professional associations and companies such as IBM. and Intuitive Intelligence – The Other IQ® Edie's seminars pro. Marriott. optimal performance. A native of Wisconsin. and enjoys her two sons and five grandchildren.. Mark Victor Hansen. Jim Rohn. Edie is also publishing Forget Selling and How Winners Think—What Champions Do. and the psychology of consciousness since her conception. Johnson. and performance coach. has been a student of intuition. S. and Tom Hopkins to create anthologies on customer service. vide the power tools for mastering change and promise a positive ROI—Return On Intelligence. and JCPenney. Edie has also been a college professor and radio/TV talk show host with ABC. CSP. Inc magazine.S. author. Helping individuals and corporations bridge the gap between knowing and doing. In addition to her first book. Edie is an international keynote speaker.About the Author
die Raether. Oscar Mayer.C. you can find her skiing the slopes of Utah or sailing off the Carolina Crystal Coast. The Wall Street Journal. leadership. and Reuters. Edie is a Fortune 500 favorite and has presented to over 3. When she’s not speaking or writing books. Brian Tracy. psychotherapist. She currently resides in North Carolina.
. She has also coauthored with celebrities such as Zig Ziglar. such as USA Today. M. General Motors. Why Cats Don’t Bark. both Edie's master’s and bachelor’s degrees are from the University of Wisconsin. A recognized authority on innovative thinking. spirituality. Selling Power.
raether. to book Edie for your organization or association meetings.com
Visit Edie on the web at www. write or call:
4717 Ridge Water Court Holly Springs.Contact Information
For information on Edie’s coaching and corporate training programs.com
. NC 27540 USA 888-RAETHER 919-557-7900 Fax 919-557-7999 edie@raether. and for information about her books and change mastery tapes and CDs.