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www.beyondroutines.com Giving men back control of their dating lives
Jakob Bachman © Copyright 2007
Table of Contents
Legal Disclaimer ....................................................................................................... Page 4
My Introduction To Dating And The Seduction Community............................................ 6 How It Works ..................................................................................................................... 7
Developing Your Personal Inner Game
Stop Entertaining Women To Win Them Over .............................................................. 10 Have Standards And Screen............................................................................................ 10 The Only Pickup Lines To Use ....................................................................................... 11 The Art Of Talking About "Nothing" ............................................................................. 13 The Seduction And NLP Gambit .................................................................................... 14 The Beautiful Woman And Survival-And-Replication................................................... 15 Finding Yourself ............................................................................................................. 20 Removing Your Needy Habits One At A Time .............................................................. 21 Being A Man ................................................................................................................... 22 Casual Hookups And Relationships................................................................................ 24
Social And Biological Discussion
The Relevance Of The “Slut Defense” ........................................................................... 27 Status And Older Women ............................................................................................... 28 The Patriarchy ................................................................................................................. 29 Primates And How They Do It........................................................................................ 29 Dominance ...................................................................................................................... 32 Submissiveness................................................................................................................ 33
Strategies To Meet Women
Getting To The Point Quickly......................................................................................... 35 Which Women To Approach And Solicit ....................................................................... 35 Phone Calls And Emailing .............................................................................................. 36 Multiple Women ............................................................................................................. 36 Relationships ................................................................................................................... 37 Flirting............................................................................................................................. 37 Compliments ................................................................................................................... 38 Bars And Clubs ............................................................................................................... 38 Online Dating .................................................................................................................. 39
A Final Word................................................................................................................... 42
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My Introduction To Dating And The Seduction Community
A few years ago I started down the road of learning to pick up women. I had realized it was finally time to deal with this part of my life called "women". I was addressing my neediness you might say. I had subscribed to newsletters, listened to NLP, joined seduction forums, and met like-minded “wingmen”. I was becoming a pick-up artist. I was meeting women, going on dates, getting laid. This went on for a few years. But the problem was, even though I had experienced success the neediness didn't go away.
I was needy for more success. I was needy for greater success. And I was needy to keep the success going, since everything in my life had been about constant improvement. Academics and my strong desire to achieve was the precedent I was trying to follow. And it was a bad path to be on.
It had dawned on me that the road to becoming a pickup artist is not the same as the road to becoming a man. Being a pickup artist means that you define success and failure by how women respond. If you didn't get her it means you have to go back and retool, because you weren't good enough.
It was very ironic that, even though my skills had gotten better I was still working my ass off to get laid. I would make a post on it on the seduction forum, and I would just get an echo of the usual advice: more push/pull, more qualifying, more busting, etc. I had always done these things to various degrees but with inconsistent results. So I knew something was wrong. I knew I had to rethink everything and make a new foundation for myself.
And that’s how it started. I was fortunate enough to have an inkling of what was wrong, as I was finding myself gravitating towards certain non-seduction advice contrary to the mainstream, advice such as, be-yourself, and stop using routines. Nothing complicated by any means, but something, which now had my attention.
How It Works
When it comes to women there is such a thing as doing too much. And I was doing WAY too much.
Ironically, success had only come when I gave the appearance of not doing too much. Once that realization hit me, I dropped all seduction related material like a stone.
It was better, I found, to keep the understanding of male & female dynamics, on a simple natural level. So all that artificiality like push/pull, AMOG’ing, compliance testing, etc., which is supposed to give you an evolutionary edge, is mostly useless. By using it, you are not ahead of the curve. You are well behind it.
Game begets more game, and it goes something like this: Guy applies technique A to get girl. Technique fails. Guy tries technique B and also fails. So Guy keeps trying technique after technique to get the girl and eventually succeeds. Conclusion: techniques work. The problem with this rationale is that techniques per-se don’t work that well to begin with. Sure, if you keep at it you will eventually succeed, and there’s a good name for that. It’s called the Law Of Averages.
Techniques are usually transparent and to pull them off successfully requires Oscar level method acting. Indeed, you CAN pull it off and convince her that you are something you are not and sleep with her, but then what? You have to maintain this façade until either she catches on or your identity breaks down.
There’s this term used by the seduction community and it’s called supplication. It is well known that AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) supplicate by paying compliments, buying dinner, and courting endlessly. But, Pick-Up-Artists (PUAs) supplicate by learning techniques and taking on personality traits so that they can stand apart from the AFCs. But which is the worst supplication? Well, they’re both not being themselves for
starters. The AFC supplicates directly, whereas the PUA supplicates as a homework assignment.
Whether you are doing what every other guy is doing or applying original skill to stand out, you are putting her on a pedestal, and that is the problem.
Being yourself means not doing what every other guy is doing, since you are a unique individual who has his own thoughts and ideas on different matters. Plus, it means you aren’t putting in a lot of effort. And that is the way to go.
Developing Your Personal Inner Game
Stop Entertaining Women To Win Them Over
Game begets more game. There is a longer, more winding road if her mindset is that you are there to impress her. No matter how “smooth” or skillful you are she will hold all the cards. Points will be tabulated against her pass/fail criteria and at best you will get a “let’s see what else you got”.
Now, talents and skill are great to have, for sure. It’s just that you shouldn’t put them on “display” for her. Simply put them aside as you get to know her. This allows her to find out for herself what you are about.
For instance, a musician does not have to play his instrument to keep a girl interested. She sees him perform on stage, and there is no need for him to do anything more.
Similarly, if you are a writer you don't have to use big words on the date to impress her.
The part of you that she likes is the part of you that does your own thing separate from her.
You only have to be yourself and have your own life.
Now, some women do want to be entertained by men on dates. They want the guy to be funny, charming and stir the butterflies in her stomach. Just avoid them, or better yet, let them avoid you. Once they see that you are not the guy who does that sort of thing this will be a non-issue anyway.
Have Standards And Screen
This comes down to knowing what YOU want, and not taking whatever you can get.
Too many men take whatever they can get as a response to their scarcity mentality. This has to end. Men have to start taking back control back in this area of their lives.
Be selective, and be real about it. In other words don't just be selective as a technique to make your self more attractive towards women. Do it to make life better for your self. This extends to saying No to women who you know you could have but may fall short in departments like personality, etc. Evolution has made it easy to take this stance, as there are literally millions of potential prospects out there. So cash in on it.
My personal standards, which a woman must have, in order to be viewed as a potential partner, for either short term or long term are: height & weight requirements, good personality - such as friendly and open-minded, feminine. Some of these criteria are communicated from her to me; either by me asking a direct question, "How do you feel about X?" or just a vibe I learned to read with experience.
Sometimes in asking women questions to find out what they are about you will get them hemming and hawing as if trying to say the "right" thing, or even just asking the same question back at you. Don't back down. Ask the question again if you have to. And if her answer is sort of ambiguous then it likely means she doesn't measure up in that regard.
There are instances where closing the deal is a sure thing but you realize that there are potential "emotional baggage" issues to deal with in the process of getting laid. Better to move on. Believe me, there are times when the sex will not be worth it.
The Only Pickup Lines To Use
Being yourself will make you stand out better than the best pickup lines ever will. You will never slip up and you'll have guaranteed fresh material every time. No one will ever accuse you of using someone else's rap.
In the past few years the seduction community has gotten abundant media coverage with the release of “The Game”. There are countless men out there using canned openers and routines on the opposite sex. They had limited usefulness when only a few men were using them, but now they are pretty much totally useless.
Nevertheless, there are things you can say which are common but which always receive a good response. For example: "How are you all doing?" and "Where are you all from?" A group of women would never say, "We heard that from another guy".
Now obviously, starting off with these universal greetings often segues into more unique conversation. But that comes with having social skills and a personality, in general.
I’m going to tell you right now. Stop unnatural conversations with women immediately. This means getting rid of ALL routines and canned stories from your repertoire.
If you need to rehearse a story, a move, a Kino technique, a phone call, a kiss technique, a dance maneuver, whatever, then you are on the wrong path. You are admitting that you are naturally not good enough and that getting women requires special skills.
A DANGEROUS truth is that some men who do engage in these behavioral gymnastics do go on dates, meet women, get laid, etc. This is a dangerous, dangerous truth because it confuses "in spite of" with "because of". I can eat a bad diet and still do okay in sports but that does not mean that THAT diet is the way to go. There IS a better way.
"So what did you do this weekend?" "What do you think of place X?"
But isn’t this the boring usual stuff guys say to women? Yep, and there's more:
"Which places do you like to go?" "What do you do for fun?"
If you feel like you have to do anything more than this than you are putting her on a pedestal. And if she expects more from you then she is putting herself above you and disrespecting you. Either way you lose. So wouldn't you rather lose by being yourself rather than by wasting energy trying something else?
When average guys are speaking their "boring usual stuff" they are usually coming from a needy place. A guy, who rehearses the better material, and better stories, is coming from the SAME needy place because he IS depending on those things.
The most effort you should put into meeting women is no more than the prep work you do when going out on the town (such as getting dressed up, grooming, being well rested, getting in a social mood, etc.). That is universal effort and comes with being part of society.
The Art Of Talking About “Nothing”
Why say a lot when you can say a little?
Below is an example of dialogue I sometimes get into. In this particular instance I am chatting with a woman from online. The entire conversation is not shown, just the key parts. Notice how little effort I am putting into the conversation. I'm not trying to be boring. I am just talking without being too interested. But the end result is that she wants to meet me.
Her: so tell me something.. Her: what did you do today? Me: I went to work Me: and then I came home Her: wow.. Her: hehe
*** Her: so... what else can you tell me about you? Her: (I'm interviewing you) Her: ;-) Her: don't be nervous Me: that's a tough question Me: can I get back to you Her: I don't like to be in the spot light Her: what's your story? Her: you're a mystery Me: I am from another world Me: lol Her: hmm Her: are you trying to be mysterious? Her: dark and mysterious *** Her: I should get going Her: I have a lot of free time. If you're in XX let me know and we can have coffee Her: I don't usually chat on line .. Me: yes, I will contact you the next time I come down
By the way, even if she responded unfavorably to my indifference (some do), I still did the right thing by not putting in a lot of effort. It’s just something I did to maintain my peace of mind, and not a technique to attract her (even though she was attracted).
The Seduction And NLP Gambit
The claim is sometimes made that seduction and NLP works great for some guys. This may be true but only in the context of being your self.
NLP and seductive language is only OK if it is coming from a natural place, and should probably be considered instead as a way of speaking with depth of character and social understanding. For example, someone who is a natural Don Juan would gravitate towards NLP and patterning but it would not necessarily make him more successful than someone who doesn't speak that way, but still has the depth of character and social understanding.
This suggests that different verbal techniques are only useful as their ability to help bring out your natural personality, kind of like training wheels would help teach you how to ride a bike. Indeed, it can be a shortcut to figuring out, not only yourself, but also your best self.
Perhaps seduction and patterning language was more appropriate in Victorian times, but is not the norm at present. That said; we have an old communication style, given a new label.
The other argument sometimes made is that NLP is a great persuasion tool. Any persuasion “tool” only works if someone is sort of on the path of agreeing already, and just needs a small “push”. But that isn’t necessarily using “NLP” but rather intelligent debate to convey your point of view. So once again we have ages old communication given a new-age label.
The Beautiful Woman And Survival-And-Replication
It has been said by certain seduction community "gurus", that humans basically function by Surviving and Replicating.
The pitch is: "If I can't replicate with a beautiful woman then my genes will be mercilessly weeded out of existence (therefore teach me how to replicate)", cha-ching.
There is a lot of wrong in the above statement.
For starters, there's this notion of 'beautiful woman'.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is male ego involved, perception of attainability and un-attainability, all rolled into the decision of what constitutes a true Hot Babe.
What we perceive as beautiful is the result of lots of makeup and the right clothes. Indeed, with modern beautification methods women can boost their attractiveness to a level that men are not naturally wired to cope with. So you get men doing all sorts of stupid things around these women. It’s like a short-circuit response. But it can be overcome, with a logical interrupt (as I like to call it), and it is this: Beautiful women spend all this effort creating the illusion of beauty so guys can spend all this effort chasing it.
Beautiful women are simply pretty women with lots of makeup on. So the HB10 is all in your head.
See the pictures below for pictures of women before and after makeup. It can be pretty surprising.
Now let's talk about Survival and Replication. As it stands, the S&R model is a flawed premise wrapped by scientific half-truths to make it seem valid. The argument by proponents is that S&R is inter-twined in human existence. That's like saying the same about food and water. True enough but a gross simplification. But it allows a lot of the blanks to be filled in with whatever makes the most money. Unfortunately, it feeds off the self-esteem and bank account of those men who have no real masculine role models.
S&R also shifts focus away from our true potential. We are inventors, explorers, musicians, artists, scientists, engineers, etc. If we were simply S&R then we would be willing to dig in the dirt all day and cat call girls as they walk by.
We are more than survival and replication.
Another consequence of this model, like most other models taught to attract women, is that it puts women on a pedestal. Every step and routine followed is like adding one more gem to her "crown".
Now I should mention that, by rights, women do have replication (reproductive) value as they have the burden of carrying the child, unlike us. But where S&R twists this is by giving women value because they can give us sex. So here you have something which has elements of truth but which is twisted into a lucrative marketing image of men having to learn how to seduce to keep their genes alive.
The same “gurus” also say that seducing women is a skill learned like any other, and that guys who are naturally good with women have all these skills internalized. This so-called "internalization" is a way of saying that some men have to learn what comes naturally to others. But if this is true then why do Naturals balk at the use of methods? Because in their world it makes no sense to be analytical and try to "problem solve" their way into a woman's pants. It’s just not cool and places too much darn importance on the issue to even consider it. And it goes against the carefree vibe and just having fun when they go out.
But...what if this stuff ACTUALLY works, you might be asking? It doesn't, not directly anyway. The only times it seems to work is with guys who come out of their shell when using the "method". It gets them talking and feeling good about themselves because they now have a "way to get the girl". It's a placebo effect. But it's only temporary success. Eventually, their identity breaks down, and they end up feeling worse than before.
These methods work best for in-field instructors as they take their "entourage" of students out on the town. This by itself is attractive to women as it gives the instructors a perceived rank in their eyes. So in this context, the instructors socialize using their "method", act non-needy (also codified as part of THEIR method), and voila, attract women in the process. And this sells. It’s brilliant. But you can save yourself lots of bad information and $$$ by going out with your friends, socializing without being needy, and you will get the same result. It's MUCH easier to BE non-needy then go through 20 steps to make you look non-needy, don't you think? It avoids inner game anxiety and you're not lying to yourself.
Men everywhere are giving themselves over to feelings of neediness and loneliness using the, "It's an instinctive drive" as rationale. And unscrupulous men are compounding this problem and milking it for as much money as they can. Indeed, we do have an instinctive drive to reproduce but that just means that we can enjoy sex (like food) without necessarily fixating on it. We have more control over this than one may think.
Meeting women is not a skill the way welding or cooking is a skill. It's a natural process, and adding artificial difficulty to it will work against you, and turn you into a misogynist.
When you are PUSHING for an outcome, women will sense this and make it more difficult for you. So the more you try and apply effort & skill the more they resist, meaning that to SUCCEED you have to apply effort & skill in a way that makes it look like you are not applying effort & skill. But what's the point of that? Just chill out and treat them normally.
We are able to achieve much with our intelligence and ambition, without any dependence on others for fulfillment. This is especially true for men who can isolate themselves for periods of time in order to focus on their goals, before releasing their creations into the community and gaining recognition. Our social value, in this regard, is core to us doing our own thing. So there is no need to establish social pecking order for the sake of social pecking order. Women are more inclined towards that sort of thing anyway. They will compete with other women to fit into a world, which for the most part, is created by men.
You're going backwards by trying to have women in your life to complete your existence. There is nothing wrong that needs fixing. You just need to reframe the situation and be happy regardless. The choice to be happy is there, and it's DEFINITELY within your control.
Find something you are good at and something you can really get into and focus on that. It could be anything, like learning a new instrument, a sport, a new language, or building something in your workshop. The point is, get busy with your life.
And when you go out, talk to people and share those things you've been doing. You'll have a certain energy and enthusiasm which will be contagious. You'll notice a difference from back in the day when you used to hesitate before approaching, and wondering what to say, maybe relying on "warm up sets" to get you going. You're already warmed up just from doing what you've been doing. Fear and nervousness take a back seat, as meeting new people becomes a by-product of the interesting things you have to share.
Removing Your Needy Habits One At A Time
Needy habits can be described as empty feelings associated with a lack of something external. We’ve all been there. They’re not fun to have and can really deplete from the quality of your life if you let it.
Realize that when it comes to women, your neediness may have manifested itself over the years in all sorts of habits, which are repeating themselves over and over for you. One way to develop awareness of these habits is to make a list of them as you find yourself doing them.
It can be as simple as you carrying around a notepad and writing them down right after the fact, however silly they may seem. Making a list requires a conscious effort, which makes it easier to not do them next time. And you don’t have to share them with anyone. They are your private notes.
Here are some examples of needy habits:
Constantly obsessing over lost opportunities and the girl(s) you could have had Fantasizing when you hear from an attractive girl or get a positive reaction from an attractive girl
Obsessing over the words you write in emails to girls, or rehearsing phone calls in your head
Obsessing over what to say or do, to "impress" her When you're in a public place, looking around to find the attractive girls rather than just glancing or noticing them. The same goes with spending too much time looking at attractive girls in public rather than just glancing or noticing them while doing your own thing
Letting the sting of jealousy get to you when you see an attractive girl with a guy Thinking about a particular girl who (for example) lives next door, and making a point of being outside when she comes home 21
Feeling the need to be social at a club because you have heard that it's more attractive, rather than just being social because it's enjoyable. An extension of this is, if you're talking to a girl at a club and she goes to talk to some other people, you feel the need to talk to other people as well to maintain your "status" in her eyes, rather than just chilling out and doing your own thing while she does hers
When reading through a newspaper/magazine, stopping to look at the pictures of the attractive women, rather than just passing them over if the associated article isn't interesting
Wanting to move somewhere, or go somewhere, just because there are a lot of girls there
Browsing online profiles for the sole purpose of checking out attractive girls, rather than reading profiles to see which girls may be compatible with you
It could take weeks or months to make a complete list of all your needy habits as you go through your daily routines, but believe me it's therapeutic.
An important realization is that if you are just chilled out none of these will happen. Making the list is just a way to help “jar” this process inside you if you aren’t there yet.
Being A Man
Being a man means that you are responsible, confident, and strong.
Being a man means that you can’t be controlled through your feelings even if it means that you are “emotionally unavailable”.
Being a man means knowing what you want and not compromising on it.
So it’s disturbing when guys discuss which "man" to be, to best attract women, and which personality to emulate to be more successful. It even starts to get a bit circular
when guys are told to have standards, and not associate with anyone who doesn't fit with those standards, and they agree BUT then they get upset when they don’t get the girl duh! That’s not why you adopt standards. Having standards is not a seduction technique (although it has been twisted as such in seduction circles). Standards let you be yourself. They allow you to be congruent with your natural personality.
Standards tell people that they are with you not just because you can’t get anyone else. They fit what you want and you fit what they want. So when connections are made they tend to last longer.
The road to being a PUA is not the same as the road to becoming a man. Some of the external behaviors might appear similar but what goes on in the inside is VERY different. Being a man is built on a solid foundation from within and validation comes from the inside. But a pickup artist defines validation by how women respond.
Women are attracted to men not pickup artists, hence the artificial nature of it. It is this artificiality that creates inner game problems.
Naturals are good examples of real men who get validation from the inside. They relate to women in a normal way. They don't do anything special. This can be frustrating for men who want to find out what it IS that they do. But the realization to make is that naturals never come from a place of having to ask this question. Why? They don't care about the outcome. So it never occurs to them to strategize to get girls.
You would never see a natural posting for very long on a seduction forum because seduction (a form of strategy to get girls) is irrelevant in his world. It's just not the place he is coming from at all.
Casual Hookups And Relationships
What do you want? There is no right or wrong answer to this question. It is what you want deep inside. Social expectations and scarcity mindsets should play no role in the kind of arrangement you are open to.
If you want something casual with no-strings, then be honest about it. It's direct and doesn’t waste anyone’s time. At the very least you will be respected for it.
Here’s the kind of language to use if you’re not sure what to say:
"I don't want a relationship...but we can still hang out and have fun if you want"
There is no reason to lie, spin, or redirect the topic. You just lay it out simply and clearly. You are not being crude. Everyone knows that no-relationship implies something casual, so there is no reason to spell it out. It only becomes a problem if that person reacts badly and starts getting defensive. In this case you cut your losses and move on. They accept your frame and there is no room for discussion. Therefore there is no room for further debate if she responds by saying:
"I'm not easy you know", or "I don't want a relationship either, but I should tell you I don't sleep with guys on the first date"
These might seem like reasonable objections but they are not. Accepting them or trying to compromise means that you are not firm in your beliefs and that would make you weak.
When you lay your cards on the table like this there is only one agreement to enter into with her, and that is Complete Cooperation. If she doesn’t, then just cut your losses and move on. People all over are meeting and interacting with no agenda whatsoever, so there
is no reason to feel that you are doing anything wrong. So stick to your guns and stick with those people who fit in with your plans.
Social And Biological Discussion
The Relevance Of The “Slut Defense”
On some seduction forums, men talk about how to disarm or circumvent the social mask women have, called the "slut defense". This is a defense women have against appearing too "easy" for their sexual conduct. But is it really necessary to manage this interruption mechanism women have?
The problem with trying to compensate for the "slut defense", or anything related to someone’s sense of self-preservation, is that it's impossible to absolve anyone of responsibility for his or her actions. And in trying to do so you are risking ambiguity on your part (weak), so if the moment of truth does come it will be a slippery slope since your agenda was not clear.
It is best to be upfront, especially at the beginning, as it's the only way to avoid unreasonable expectations from someone who may not be operating at an adult level. It also makes the experience more enjoyable as both parties are consenting and fully able to live the moment.
The "slut defense" is real, but women who are attracted can act in a way that makes it seem not real. So don't worry about it.
So if she wants to hook up with you she will make it real easy. You don't have to be crude. You can say, "Let's go to my place", and that will suffice. And if she wants to know what you have in mind (like it isn't obvious) then tell her " I was thinking we would have sex". It's direct, honest, and the best women will no doubt appreciate that.
There is no fancy footwork required here. Frame it as you two having fun, with no one else around, and convey that you are not one to judge. This covers all your bases.
Status And Older Women
I happen to have a preference for older women. Not old, just older. I realize this goes against many men's belief that younger is better but my preference is well rooted.
It's the media and our programming as males that bias our view towards the younger women. There’s this and the ego of men who confuse "harder to get" with "better". Well, that will only get you so far and if so, maybe it's time for a wake up call if you find yourself constantly pining for the young "hotties".
My best experiences were with older women. The intelligent, high self-esteem, women who take care of themselves. It's a combination of all around physical and mental maturity, which for me makes them the better pick over their younger sisters. The younger girls I'm talking about are those expressionless, dolled up, Barbie doll types. They don't have much to say, often times - a bit scarce in the social skills department.
For many men, their egos (and Maxim) tell them that the younger ones are the ones to go for, but let's look at some logic here. They are usually less experienced, more whimsical. Their bodies are not as matured. In fact, their bodies are only HINTING at the shape they'll eventually have - that body shape of a women who is sexually peaked, who is in her thirties (sometimes forties), and knows what she wants and likes.
Also, from an evolutionary perspective, women 30+ have less reproductive time left so it makes sense for their bodies to ramp-up their attractiveness to attract mates. And naturally, their interest in sex goes up, and so does their tendency to initiate sex. Can't afford passivity at this point. This, combined with more world experience, and fun personality, defines true sexiness in my book.
Men and women are different, and it's these differences that have allowed the patriarchy to happen, and men to generally be the leaders. Men were the dominant force because we were strong enough to be the dominant force. With legislation absent this becomes the reality.
Nature works in harmony when everyone understands his or her roles. When culture aligns with biology things work well. It's only when the culture doesn't align with our predispositions that we get all the problems: Men being emasculated, women being given the power but are still unhappy, the doublethink mentality many women have wanting a strong but sensitive man, verbal communications from women indicating that they want a submissive man while sub-communicating that they want the opposite, men and women programmed to "date" before having sex and all the fallout from that. There are so many negative spinouts just because we aren't acting according to our true natures.
Primates And How They Do It
The social structure of primates (especially chimpanzees - our closest relative in the animal kingdom) resembles our own in many ways. But there is one way in which we really deviate from them (and not really in a good way). I'm talking about mating patterns. In many human cultures mating has been defined in the spirit of what we think it ought to be. This has often resulted in dysfunctional dating practices, unnatural courtships, and massive confusion and gender wars. How many times have you read an article on what to do and not to do on a date? It's endless. If you want the truth you have to look at nature and history. It's unbiased.
The mating practice of chimps is pretty straightforward. The male solicits the female or vice versa and she or he accepts or rejects. That's it. There is no longer-term evaluation process. They are either into each other naturally and right now or forget about it. Now
there may be several factors that go into how mate selections are made, based on rank, appearance, etc., but all that is rolled into a fast decision.
There was a recent journal paper published in 2006: "The efficacy of female choice in chimpanzees of the Taï Forest, Côte d’Ivoire", by R.M. Stumpf and C. Boesch. In this paper, the results of an extensive study on the mating behavior of wild chimps in the Taϊ National Park, is presented.
From page 4 of this publication:
"In a sexual interaction initiated by females, males can either resist a female or copulate. In a sexual interaction initiated by males, females can either respond cooperatively (rapidly approaching the soliciting male and presenting for copulation) or resist a male (ignore the solicitation, avoid the male, scream, or leave)."
This implies that the male isn't approaching or chasing females for sex, but rather baiting the females into coming to him. So whether the male or female initiates it is the female who is responsible for establishing proximity for purpose of copulation. This ties into my discussion on Dominance in the next section.
From page 7 of this publication:
"Females initiated 23.7% of sexual interactions, and of these, 78.7% were accepted by the males. Males initiated 76.3% of sexual interactions, and of these, 71.7% were accepted by the females".
The acceptance numbers are similar for the males and females, but the males initiate sex more frequently.
In the study, the female chimps were observed to be especially promiscuous (less choosy) when the risk of pregnancy was low. But they were choosier when the chance of
pregnancy was highest. During this time they would mate more frequently with the higher-ranking males. This overall strategy would secure a high number of affiliations while also securing the best genes.
Some other interesting conclusions from the publication are:
The male chimps tend to prefer the older females Female sexual choice is largely directed towards higher-ranking males with some personal preference for certain males who may be of lower ranking
Female chimps mate more frequently with the older males Persistence on the male’s part doesn't make for greater mating frequency. In other words, female chimps, by resisting solicitation, aren't selecting for persistent or more aggressive males
Despite clear male dominance, the females could effectively resist unwanted copulations and were generally successful in influencing paternity
Environmental and demographic conditions can affect mating success rates. In other words, cultural conditions are an influence
If you look at what’s happening around us, it seems that many are trying to cheat the “system”. It’s not working that well.
It is not the case that humans evolved past fast hookups and are now at the evolutionary stage where the male courts the female via dinner, dates, gifts, supplication, etc. If we did then by rights we would resemble the Bonobo apes, the females of which usually offer reconciliatory sex to the male even if his courtship sucked. This doesn't happen with humans though. So we got to be direct. It's in our nature. And some ways to do that are:
Small talk followed by invitation for "drinks" at your place if it happens to be close by
Invitation to your place directly, skipping dating completely
Wordless sexual initiation like a sudden rush into a nearby washroom or bedroom
If you don't believe this works then you should try it. Since men and women know relatively quickly if they're sexually attracted, then in a way it is disrespectful to draw it out when you know they know where you stand.
If you are making sexual advances on a woman in a direct way without "asking", you are behaving dominantly. Conversely, if she comes to you then you are still in the dominant position.
Dominant (not domineering) men are naturally attractive to women. It is for this reason that learning routines and “game” is a turn-off. You are giving her greater status than yourself. Similarly, calibrating your behavior to match a woman’s values is also giving her status and putting her in the dominant position.
Dominance is interesting in that, to be dominant you can’t ask someone how to be dominant. Similarly, someone can’t be submissive if you ask them what they want you to do. This is why asking a woman what she looks for in a man will generally yield an unrealistic answer because she is being asked to assume a dominant position. It just doesn’t apply.
Men often make the mistake of thinking: "She needs to give me permission to be dominant/take charge", or "What signs does she give me when she wants me to make a move?" This is a contradictory and submissive mindset, and causes men inner game problems.
This is not to say that female sexual cues don’t exist. They do, but being dominant means not wondering if it's ok to touch her, kiss her, etc. Women do indeed "choose" but the fact is that her sexual choices (especially for very feminine women) are more about being
receptive based on what you have done and are doing rather than what she gives you permission to do.
Being dominant can trigger sexual cues from her just the same way it can opportunistically "cash in" on her sexual cues if you happen to notice them. But the latter is not something you have to rely on.
Another problem with calling women the “choosers” is that it implies that men are always willing to say “yes”, which is not the case (if they have standards).
It is normal for a man to want a submissive woman. This means that for the most part you (respectfully) decide the direction of the interaction, either directly (“Let’s do this”) or indirectly - by not agreeing to anything she suggests unless it’s what you want.
It is not a matter of you not respecting her opinions or her lacking intelligence. She can be very intelligent AND very accomplished - so much so that in that her relationships she doesn't mind the man taking the reigns of leadership, which means she doesn't mind deferring most of the power to the man because that is what makes her feel feminine. Her self-esteem is already taken care of so she can comfortably be the woman in the relationship.
The best relationships are when the man and woman are both not operating in the same dominance hierarchies. I have my role. You have yours. And since Dominant and Submissive are two extremes they are easy to remember - there is little confusion, as everyone knows their role. It is trying to strive for the 50/50 that causes most problems. The reason that you don't see 50/50 in nature is because it's the path of most resistance. Nature likes things simple, and equality isn't simple.
Strategies To Meet Women
Getting To The Point Quickly
Getting to the point quickly means that she accepts (or declines) quickly. For example, when meeting a girl in public, you verbally make your intent known very early (e.g. “My place is close by. Let’s go hang out for a bit”). She will know that this means sex. If she reacts with more than minor token resistance, move on. Persistence won't work, and in general won't get you significantly more sex.
She has to accept your solicitation quickly, which means no courting or chasing after her if she distances herself from you, and no going on a “date” if she wants to do that instead.
If she solicits you and assuming that she’s your type, just go to your place or her place directly. That’s easy enough.
Physically soliciting her is best done in isolation, using "light" force, sexual Kino, and raw masculinity. This can be, touching her erogenous zones, undoing her pants, pulling her close, pushing her onto the bed, or pushing her against the wall. In ALL these cases she has to submit quickly such that no additional force is needed to maintain her proximity with you - i.e. she is maintaining proximity with you by her own choice. If she resists you by moving away in a manner that suggests more than token resistance then you have to let her go, and move on. She doesn't want to have sex with you and it is considered rape to push it all the way.
And if you do have sex, don’t be concerned if she is having orgasm or not. Just enjoy yourself and move her body the way you like. She will enjoy this more anyway.
Which Women To Approach And Solicit
Not all of them. Avoid treating this like a numbers game where you’re trying to get laid. You go out because you have something to do like shopping or going to the bookstore. You see someone you might be interested in and make small talk with her for a few
minutes. You like what you see and hear and if she is responding well, you invite her to your place for a drink (or hang out, or whatever). At this point she either accepts or declines. If she accepts you go to your place directly or you give her your contact information in case she can’t come right now but has time later.
If she declines, then you end it gracefully with a “Nice talking to you”, and continue on with what you’re doing.
Avoid the temptation to find another girl, and then another, until you succeed. You are entering “needy” territory if you do this. Just finish your errand(s) and then go home. Not a big deal.
Phone Calls And Emailing
If you do the above you will never have to call a woman.
But there are times when she will give you her number (or email) and tell you to contact her. I personally don’t do that anymore, as it would mean I really want her. And I know the fallout of that so I avoid it completely. I would advise you do the same. This also preserves my dominant status. I told her what I’m about and it is up to her to contact me. Furthermore, she has to do the same for all future hookups (assuming it’s strictly casual).
There is no limit to the number of women you can have in your life. It’s whatever you have time for. Personally I don’t bring up the issue but if she asks if I’m seeing anyone else I tell her that I am. She is free to do the same.
If a relationship is your goal, let it evolve past the initial few hookups. Let her do the work to develop it if a relationship is her goal as well. You just have to go along with it. This could be agreeing to her invitation to go to a concert because she has an extra ticket, or whatever.
Regardless of wanting something casual or more serious, the above still applies. Great relationships start with intimacy right away, which avoids sex being used as a bargaining chip. There’s more give and take than in casual hookups, but you still have to be the man, and she has to make it easy for you to be the man. This means no attempts from her to usurp the power in the relationship.
Flirting can be fun if it’s part of your natural personality. It’s something I enjoy doing sometimes and can go from zero to flirt very rapidly. Here’s an example:
Her: that beach is crazy Me: bars aren't that great there Her: no, but I don’t go to the beach for the bars, I go for a tan Me: and how’s that tan going? Her: not even at all...I must work on it Me: wouldn’t mind seeing those tan lines
I usually go back and forth between flirting and normal conversation. That makes it very natural and matter-of-fact.
Compliments are okay if they are genuine and based on an accomplishment. Looks aren’t an accomplishment so don’t compliment them.
Bars And Clubs
Bars and clubs are places to go to meet people and have a good time. Some guys have the goal of going there to get laid. This should not be your primary goal. One way to make sure of that is to ask yourself this before going out: "Am I doing this just to meet girls?" If the answer is yes then either change your reason for going out or do something else.
By going out with the purpose of just having fun regardless of what happens you will be immune to negative thought loops. You will completely avoid the usual obstacles guys in the seduction community face, problems such as, “cockblocks”, not being able to pump “buying temperature”, screwing up “DHV”, etc.
These obstacles won’t exist for you because this terminology and way of thinking will not be a part of your mindset.
Approach anxiety will also be non-existent because you’re not seeking an outcome.
Just greet people in a normal way. For example,
“Where are you all from?” “What’s going on tonight?”
Or just comment on what’s going on at the place you’re at.
Talk for a few minutes and then go talk to another group of people. Or get a drink at the bar and then chill out by the dance floor for a while. If you feel like dancing then go and dance. But don’t look around as you’re doing so. Just focus on your dancing.
It can be better to go out with friends, but only if they socialize as well. If they are the type of guys who like using canned openers and routines then let them. That’s their personality and you have yours, and people can tell the difference.
You can still solicit women that you find interesting but what can also happen is that they will solicit you as they see you interacting with others and having a good time. If a woman finds you attractive she will be especially motivated to act on that attraction when she sees you interacting with other women.
It’s pretty straight forward if a woman shows interest in you. You can either say, “Let’s get out of here”, or ask her to wait a bit until later when you’re ready to leave.
These days, online dating is a very popular way of meeting people. You write a profile, put a picture up and start messaging or receiving messages. It can be a great supplement to your social life as it can be done at all hours of the day, even in your pajamas.
The way you go about meeting women from online is similar to how you would meet them out in public. You are still open about what you want, and you still take the shortest path to get there.
Internet dating makes it easy to convey standards. You just write them directly in your profile. This could be a height, body-type, and personality requirement, plus the kind of relationship you’re looking for (casual or serious).
Dating Sites I personally like plentyoffish.com, lavalife.com, and craigslist.org. Adult dating sites like adultfriendfinder.com never worked that well for me.
Your Online Profile Here’s an outline for the type of profile to write. Use your own wording:
State the type of woman you are interested in meeting (height range, body type, personality type, etc.)
Mention the kind of relationship you are open to (casual or serious) Say that even if things don’t go the distance you just want to have fun right now. So short-term meaningless sex is OK
And for photos use one of you with friends and one where it’s just you. A good photo is one that shows you looking comfortable with yourself. Men’s magazines have good examples of these kinds of photos.
Messaging Online Generally, women get many, many more messages than men. You want to avoid being the type of guy who sends tons of messages hoping for a connection.
You will only respond to messages from women who match what you’re looking for, and you will only send messages to women who have well-written, unique profiles and who match what you’re looking for.
Here’s an example of a good response to your profile:
“Hey, I'd like to learn more about you. Well, I'm a brunette, athletic, 5'7", green eyes, very attractive. If you'd like to learn more about me, write back.”
This is a friendly response, which is what you want.
Here’s an example of a not so good response:
“Hi! How are you? I'm a chef, very busy, quite assertive and I know how to have a good time. I'm looking for someone to go out for a glass of wine with and have a great laugh with. All of the guys I meet are either boring or, well boring. I'm looking for a guy who can keep up:) I'm sexy, I have a great smile and I'm confident that you won't be disappointed...will I?”
This type of response (although good in some ways) raises a red flag, because she puts it out there that she has standards in a way that seems confrontational. It’s OK to have standards, just don’t be confrontational about it.
Responses have to be positive, friendly, and she has to agree to what you want with no compromising.
If you write her first, the first email can be as simple as:
“Hey, I see we might be on the same page. <Insert a comment on something that was unique about her profile>. Here’s my msn XXX. We can chat there for a bit. John”
Getting To The Point Quickly Online Getting to the point quickly applies online as well. So meetings should happen quickly or you move on. You can meet after one or two email exchanges or brief IM chat. You can even skip the phone. I rarely talk on the phone anymore.
A few months ago I met this woman who wrote a profile that said she was looking for something casual. So I wrote her and set up a meeting via MSN. I was in town visiting so I just invited her directly to my hotel. I told her to meet me outside the hotel (allowing us to first make sure that we look like each others picture). We met, walked back to my room and had sex.
It’s up to you if you want to meet for drinks first. It might feel safer than inviting a stranger directly to your house. But, only meet for one or two drinks. Then invite her back to your place (you should meet her close to your place anyway). If she declines, tell her it was nice meeting her, and then be on your way.
A Final Word
I’ve given you a lot to take in. I didn’t try to cover every scenario as I feel it’s best to avoid “flow-chart” type of thinking when it comes to human interactions.
The ultimate mindset boils down to you being happy with your life regardless of how many women, are part of it. It's a mindset of indifference and I've shown you the way to get there. Of course right now you are not truly indifferent towards women since you bought this book. But it’s a means to an end. Eventually, after internalizing the basics, you will be. At that point you will no longer care about the latest advice on how to get "hot chicks". You will unsubscribe to all the seduction newsletters you might be receiving, stop participating in any seduction forums you may be a member of, and ignore any fad marketing coming at you. You will have everything you need to be happy.
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