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Strange title you may think… and yet…. Yes, pieces of me. Where to start… My whole life long or as far back as I can remember I have yearned for love. In previous pieces of writing I have put down thoughts, feelings, emotions of my life to date and throughout, there is one common theme…my yearning for love. Most of the writing I’ve done was either in response to situations with people and my attempting to explain myself, or in response to posts on a website that I’ve been a member of for about 7 years. One thing I’ve appreciated about the people who have posted there, some I know in real life and some not, is their willingness to share parts of their lives and what they’ve experienced. The sharing, whether under a recognisable nickname or posted anonymously has often gotten my brain into thinking mode. I in turn, have shared with them, sometimes as anonymous to protect the identity of people I know and who would not appreciate me posting intimate details about them for all to read. Before posting responses I’ve been forced to look at myself, my own belief systems and issues and this has helped me tremendously over the years to face and sort through things I’d sometimes almost forgotten about, but which I still carried with me. I like to equate this to my handbag, which for me is a major comfort zone. In the last few years I realised the bigger the handbag the more junk I carry. My issues were like the items I carried in my handbag, many, varied, at times weighing a ton. I’ve now taken to carrying a much smaller bag with only the essentials that I don’t want to be without. In the same way I have been clearing personal issues out that I don’t want to carry with me for the remainder of my life. Between the writing, relationships, going on workshops and assisting on them, I have over the last few years gone through some very life changing transformations! At a time when most people’s lives settle down, mine took off with a vengence! I’d been in a relationship with a woman for just over a year. It was the kind of relationship that was everything I’d ever dreamed of. For the first time in my life I felt loved and special and I loved in return. Issues got in the way though. Some of which I wrote about in other pieces. A year and a half had passed since the initial breakup. In that time she’d become involved with someone else. I’d had a few girlfriends, none of which has lasted very long because my love kept coming back to me! It was a very destructive year and half emotionally for me. Lies, betrayal, games, broken promises, you name it I was going through it. She was on a path of self destruction which her other partner was not prepared to do anything about. Each time she came back to me I had to clean her up, because she’d neglected herself so badly. Each time I believed or wanted to believe this would be the time she’d stay for good. Each time I was wrong! Within a week she’d be gone again, back on her path of destruction.
Enter the first set of workshops I went through and assisted on. Someone I had met on the internet suddenly popped up after not having seen her for two years. She’d moved to a place very close to where I was, came round for coffee and ended up changing the course of my life! There are no coincidences! It was time for change. Over the course of the evening we shared where we were in our lives and on hearing my dilemma with my relationship, suggested I do the workshop and take my girlfriend / ex girlfriend with me. The way she explained it was so beautiful… like an onion. How over the years as events happen, human beings cover themselves in layers as a form of protection from the hurts and feelings that we experience. This happens for each major event in our life until eventually, you can no longer recognise the true self hidden underneath those layers. The workshop she said, would help peel away those layers until you could see the unique beautiful soul you actually were meant to be! Oh boy did I want that!! Not only for me but also for the woman I loved and didn’t know how to help with her issues. We did the workshop – both extremely apprehensive as to what the outcome would be. We’d arrived there on the Friday not speaking to each other. By the Sunday we’d gone through so much together and yet each on our own separate journey. We were talking to each other again, laughing, loving, crying! I hit a major emotional hurdle on the Sunday, so much so I wanted out of the seminar there and then! There was someone there however who would not let me go. Llewellyn will never know just how grateful I am that he made me see that the emotion I was going through was because of my not being present right there and then, not in the “now”, rather I was stuck in my past, all the times and places I’d felt unloved and not good enough. In fact even the words I used each time I tried to move past him and he stepped in my way were the exact words I used most of my life when experiencing those feelings – Move! Back off! I’ll f**k you up if you don’t get out of my way! Thinking back on it now I can laugh, in that moment I could have taken him out physically or moved a mountain I so badly wanted out. After calming down I went back, completed what I was supposed to do and sailed through the rest of the seminar. The relationship with my girlfriend ended once again shortly after. That pattern had already been established by then and has continued to happen since. On a personal level though I got so much out of what I’d learnt at the workshop I sent first my daughter and then my son on it and was later to see two other girlfriends through it. One decided she’d had enough on the first workshop and didn’t continue. The other was to follow the path through… but more about her later. I know some of you are going to get confused between which girlfriend I’m talking about as there have been a number so maybe it’s best here if I give them names. The girlfriend I originally did the workshop with was Corrie. She has been in and out of my life for the past 5 years for various lengths of time, someone I have been unable or unwilling to walk away from, someone who I love just because I love… no reason, no explanation, no excuse to love, every reason and excuse not to, yet I do. The second girlfriend to do the workshop was Arlene, still a good friend, someone who will go the extra mile for anyone just because that’s who she is. The last one through the workshops was
Danelle someone who is very special, who trusted me enough to share a lot of her life with and who got me to share some of my life with her too. I’d decided the workshop had done so much for me I wanted to give back to others some of what I’d gotten. I made a point of assisting on the workshop each and every month, some on a part time basis (going in for a few hours on two of the days the workshop is run) and I assisted nine times on a full workshop from start to end. In that time and with each different job or task I was assigned I learnt so much about myself and grew so much it was almost like a drug. I had to have my monthly fix! My mind was expanded and whereas before I had never been open to looking at things slightly off the norm, I grew to see how all life and people are interconnected, how energies work and all sorts of other esoterical stuff which, up until then I’d considered a load of hogwash! Corrie had in the meantime gone through the second workshop with someone she was in and out of relationship with for the next two years. When it was off with them she and I got together… there were times she had us both believing we were in an exclusive relationship with her, only to find out otherwise. I did my second workshop in December 2003 on my own after Arlene backed out of coming with (I was back with Corrie then once again). It was an emotional roller coaster of note for me!! I walked out there with two things, one a value of Challenge and the other a task Please love me. I had no idea just what a challenge that was and would yet prove to be! I continued assisting on the first workshop and also did a full time assisting and assisted twice part time on the second. Assisting on the second workshop for me was mainly to recall what I’d gone through myself as I couldn’t put my experience in any kind of order, that’s how emotional it had been for me. I don’t think I’ve cried so much over so few days in my entire life! They were not bad tears either. For many years I shut off my feelings, hidden my emotions so deep very few people could or would ever see them. I was so used to putting on a “socially acceptable” face and not allowing people to see if I was hurt or feeling anything. After the seminar I felt like I’d lost 20 years of stress lines. My face was relaxed and not feeling all tight and pinched. For the first time ever I didn’t have to pretend, I could just be me. Another thing that really stood out for me was just how far I’d pushed men out of my life! Other than my son and people I worked with I did not have men around me at all! I owe, Mike, Micheal, Roy, Roddy, Alan, Fred, Dusan and Dane that were with me on that workshop an immense debt. From each and every man I assisted with, or that formed a part of a team I was assisting with on the workshops, I learnt how to once again trust men, how men can hurt and feel just the same as women even though most have been taught from young not to show emotion. Those I got to know allowed me to see just how beautiful a man can be when he is being his true self. How they are as loving, caring and giving as the female of the species. How gentle some are and what a gift it is to be a man and yet to be able to cry when moved emotionally. Last but not least on the second workshop I had come face to face with myself and my anger! I realised just what patterns I had picked up over the years and what I had done to others because of the anger inside of me! How I lashed out when pushed
what with being a single mom from the age of 21 and always being short of money. With the rapid occurrence of things in my life I can really say if it hadn’t been for the workshop I’d done. believe me there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. It was frightening how quickly it grew from the day I first felt its presence until 2 days later when I’d gone through all the possibilities in my mind! Having done the workshop it gave me the tools I needed not to panic. I hadn’t wanted to alarm my family in case it wasn’t serious so I did not to tell them anything before going. I also told them exactly what I’d experienced working with them and how they had not taken into consideration any of the “human feelings” a person in my position experiences in being retrenched. My cheese was being moved! Sometimes daily. This was done in a formal environment. I won’t say I was never down. what actions I could or would take depending on what was found and then I went to see what it was. but clear about what I wanted for myself depending on the outcome of the tests. arranged a meeting with the two managers I’d been working for. Up I would get. they would also receive a payment from the pension I’d accumulated in the time I worked there if anything happened to me. I walked into work. ready to tackle whatever life threw at me next. I was scared yes. it turned out to be a cyst that needed draining on two occasions and then all was fine. Needless to say what my choice was as I am still around… Within two weeks of me walking out I also developed a massive lump in my breast. I logically thought through all the possibilities of what it could be. the downs though never lasted long. feeling unloved and inadequate… I cried bitterly that day and for me the most moving of all was that a strong. prepaid my rent for six months. I wanted to stay in that safe comfort zone. yet I not only coped. tall man whom I had never met until then cried as much as I did whilst comforting me. the equivalent of my salary to my children. my children would be left with nothing! I had to chose between living and taking a risk or suicide and ensuring my children would be taken care of in their future. paid the rest of the year’s school fees for my son who was in matric and proceeded to have a holiday of a lifetime! I’d never had much time off work. My on/off relationship with Corrie was off once again and it felt very lonely going through it without her support. I don’t know that I would’ve had the strength in me to have continued. After leaving there and taking out the pension money to survive on until finding another job. As it was. At least that’s what I felt my choices were at the time. I had Page 4 .into a corner. as well as the woman they’d put in charge of dealing with the people’s issues and told them I would not be staying the extra two months it would take to get the retrenchments sorted out. sometimes even hourly! I paid off all my debts other than my car. they didn’t affect me in ways people were expecting them too. So many things looked as bleak and dismal as they could be. I was told two weeks before doing the first one that I was to be retrenched from the company I’d worked at for 6 years. I was leaving that day whilst I still felt positive enough to get on with my life. I was scared of the future but felt very brave after having gone through what I had. Working for the company I had a full life policy that would pay a monthly sum. During this first six months of the workshops my life was going through all sorts of turmoil.
The assisting was not easy. Here’s a list of some of the people and the parts of me I saw reflected in them. They are people who have entered my life for either a reason or a season and in some cases what I hope to be a lifetime. staying away for fear of hurting someone Corrie the twin. able to talk about anything without embarrassment Charlene the love. The hours were long and could be tiring although I must say I’ve always been able to do with little sleep so it didn’t catch me too much. identification of similar experiences Arlene the raging child. Please note this is not the essence of the person in question. Page 5 . the starving of self. when I wanted without having to worry about money. always pushing people’s boundaries. some don’t. I’ve digressed… just a tad! Hehehe back to my pieces…. how I was bigger than my own point of view of myself. I lived on the pension money I’d cashed in. gambling. the tantrums. loving. Like I said with the assisting I was doing. It involved a lot of hard work physically. merely a piece of myself I’ve had a glimpse of in them or their behaviour at a specific moment: A girl I can picture so clearly doing the first workshop who’s second workshop I also assisted on. the misunderstood me Adri I saw the Emotionless me. doing whatever needed to be done from a logistical point of view. I realised how different processes were a reflection of what I was doing in my life at that particular time. the week we shared as buddies remains with me today – my prejudgement of you because of my own experiences. setting up the venue before the time. I learnt many lessons and I grew. the lack of nourishment both on a physical and emotional level. the aloof. how everything in life is connected. I’ve sorted my problems. Emotionally it could be very taxing as well as you go through you own mini workshop each time you are in that space. There are pieces of me in most everyone I’ve come across. the lonely. There were times I indulged in my favourite “pastime” at that stage. her doing damage outwardly versus me who damages myself internally Dane for teaching me that a man can mourn the loss of a child just as intense as a women. forgiving.. gentle me Anthony the humanness. shut off from the World. also the sexuality and fun side of me. the wanting to please just to be loved Buster the all about me. Some of them know each other. the detached Carina the critic in me. There were times I won large sums and times when I lost… more about that episode later. from animal to mineral to other human beings that came and went in my life. for the life of me right now I can’t remember her name (why is something I need to look at) in her I saw the confused. the “I’m better than you” me. (My handbag got decidedly smaller both the real one and the issues one that I carried with). Cleaning.six whole months of doing exactly what I wanted. I’m perfect as I am Anita the Angel.
2 years after seeing him on TV) I’m glad I did for my own sake and to hear him speak of his experiences! the ego. loss. the hiding behind a belief system. the acceptance of change. to friend. both cute and a babe! the pain. the reaching out.Danelle David Debbie Dudley Engela Francois Gary Ilza Leesa Leslie Lisa Liz Maricka Michael Morne Paul Pearl Peggy Peter Petro Serge Stella the willingness to do whatever it takes for me. a gentle soul forever giving of myself the hysterical me. don’t mess with what / who is mine. the child with the lost child. solid. the “I can get anyone to do what I ask because I’m cute…” and yes she sure is. wanting yet scared the knowing yet not knowing of the internet. put it out there and who knows when someone may need what you have (it took me 4 years to meet him in real life. late night discussions on a deep level. the yearning but not quite reaching. allowing abuse. the physically not so strong anymore me – need to take care of myself my façade. the cup runneth over – give out that love that spills into the saucer – what I must do for me. the growth the cute me. the empowered the fragile me. reliable. the forgiveness my son that could be if he could stop being so angry and take what is offered the taking of baby steps. caring. hiding behind laughter and jokes so as not to show the pain (admittedly Leesa has strong competition in this with someone else close to me who also has those very same traits) my struggling to stand. hairy and fierce looking. the anguish the larger than life me. wanting others to direct my life My son in so many ways – similar personalities / wants / life patterns my past. tough rough love. take the time to look deeper and you will find a beautiful caring heart the wanting love in the wrong places. the nickname Bugs the pushing away of those most important to me whether friends or family – the denial of love to self because of issues which are mine and mine alone Page 6 . the taking away from self. growth from what I was to where I am now my mistakes. the hurt me. the please push my buttons. the struggle to keep what I want the other side of the colour barrier – the intelligence. me after losing my first baby. inappropriate laughing. from being his girlfriend. the bitter me the love. the awakening. the unconditional love. the confidence. love. to lesbian friend and how my friendships change and yet remain constant the overprotective me with people I love. the babe. the searching for love and the settling once finding it the strong and the beautiful a man who showed me that even though you were large. provider.
getting the job done me as a mother. wanted to be with her. I am what I am that that’s enough for me. total switch off and shut out when I don’t want anyone in my space the tough. why keep going back just to be rejected all over again. nothing can touch me / make me react because of having been hurt and yet underneath that the caring and the love So many pieces of me!!! Never quite able to bring them all together. they didn’t like seeing me get hurt but knew I had a mind of my own and no amount of concern from them was going to stop me from doing what I felt I needed to do for me. I learnt how to accept and even like my “competition” the “other woman” that at the end of the day we were both just human beings who loved the same person even if we loved in different ways. continuously asking questions about life. never quite good enough. unable to stop myself. I also stopped with the hope that maybe. that no one is perfect. the longing for love… I went in and out of a few relationships in this time. the hope and the vulnerability she represents that I both have and want in my life. that no matter what. rarely loved by myself and unable to accept that others could love me! What a challenge indeed… The yearning. I stopped judging others by what had previously been my belief systems on how people should behave and what they should or should not do according to my opinion. never quite whole.Stephanie Tracy Vanessa Vaughn Wendy Werner The intellectual. the nickname TigerEyes. learn a lesson and some very valuable lessons I certainly did learn! I learnt that some people accepted me regardless of how many times I made the same mistake. I can think it through. it is just my opinion. The challenge was to keep picking myself up. each and every time broken off because I wanted to be with Corrie. the tough love when needed. was told it’s a form of self abuse. Each time I thought I’d found the reason why. that after all. the caring underneath. just maybe she’d see just how much I love her. I learnt that my family love me unconditionally. the physically resemblance to my daughter the Angry me. I was berated by others. Page 7 . it would happen again and there would be another reason why not to be with her and yet over and over I did it. I was there for her. kicking my own backside for allowing it after each failure. After a while I stopped entering other relationships as I realised all I was doing was hurting other people. I learnt not to be affected by others opinions of me. the sharing of life experiences the focused and efficient me. love…. was unsure myself of the motive or reason. but that I am and can only be the perfect ME at any given stage of my life journey. that no one is better than another. the one who once not angry is really a lovely person and fun to be with the inquiring mind. I learnt that everyone in life makes mistakes of some kind. I learnt how to be tolerant of others who were battling with life lessons of their own. my own mother. the other me.
Stella had told me her sister was gay but I’d never connected the two of them…. long baths. I learnt to know the signs of when she would run if not always the exact reason. Alone again…. I learnt to know her patterns. who was kind enough to let me know how she was doing. something she didn’t have to do and not many woman would have done considering the circumstances. She came. Unbreakable by Westlife. no feelings of animosity towards her. the loving. doing my nails. taking time out for myself. the living together for the first year of our relationship – From this moment on stands out for me during that time period. I’ve always loved music. If tomorrow never comes by Ronan Keating when Corrie was having her gall bladder removed. strong again and once more on the run from the love I offered. Both the first and second workshops have beautiful music at various times which came to mean a lot to me. doing things I loved to do. I was able to judge how far I was in the healing process of each new betrayal by if I could listen to any of the songs without hurting. Sweet Surrender has the power to make me cry at the drop of a hat. That time around it lasted around a week… until she was on her feet. Annie’s song is one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life with very special meaning for me and me alone. Corrie once again left me. There have been many songs in my life that have special meaning to me. off on her own mission…. Page 8 . told her to please tell Corrie I knew where she was and I wanted her to be at my birthday anyway. The ever present and having to be reminded to love myself. The times we went dancing together. White Flag was another song that always brought her to mind. From the day Corrie and I had met there were songs that had special meaning… Shania Twain will always bring back memories of the meeting. After everyone had gone. Upon hearing them I am instantly transported in time to where I was and the feelings I had and which are connected to the song. she was with her other partner at the time. I simply had to contact her other lady as she would be there. loaded with gifts. I had a great birthday. The love that was missing…. There are no coincidences in life… one of the people there was Stella that I’d gotten to know on the workshops. I contacted the other person Corrie was involved with. she arrived with Danelle her sister whom I’d met previously via an ex girlfriend. and that the fact that her running had nothing to do with me. the song Jessie by Jonathan Adison always reminded me of her… how I wanted to believe everything she told me and yet deep down I never knew how long it would be for. My Immortal Evernesance. she knew how much I cared. after the umpteenth time of getting back together. we were on the way to my home. pampering myself. Once I’d come to terms with the way things were. it was all her own issues and her own ghosts she was running from.I learnt that even though Corrie had been with me on the Thursday that when it came to the Saturday of my birthday and she totally ignored me. love for me and dislike for anyone too close to me even though she wouldn’t stay or be with me herself. This time I’d had her for only a few hours! And yet the yearning… the searching…. special moments at home The Colesky Brothers. Two days home from hospital she left her and came to me. to nightclubs Your love takes me High. I tackled this in many ways.
I was forever putting myself in the position of being the rescuer. That night at the Keg she was there with her sister Stella. slim. Within two weeks I ended up losing the place I was staying in due the guys who’d rented it to me lying. especially. I was living in a cottage in Kensington. I’d been told they owned the property. be there with me and for me by the end of the workshop or by the next one was held I would be making beautiful music with someone else! She wasn’t…. that within 15 minutes I had boxes. as people were moving in! By this time I had become so accustomed to changes in my life. I was on a high from the weekends assisting and flirted with her. they were being kicked out and she hadn’t known I was living in the cottage. I had briefly seen a psychologist with Corrie where I’d hoped we could be assisted with working through some of the issues. After having initially meeting her via someone else. Getting involved with people who had major life issues to be dealt with. heard some of the issues she’d been dealing with and saw the visible scars of the hurt she was carrying. Someone else was at the Keg afterwards… Danelle. other than the first. had been there for years. I recognised her face but wasn’t sure of her name. She was working there on the floor at the time. we had run into one another once or twice. Corrie and significant other were away and she was sms’ing me all the time. Over the weekend. although most. Here I was now with Danelle. This was after my birthday party. I was asked to vacate the property by the next day. have had similar character traits. legs going all the way to heaven. I also knew that I’d often totally neglected myself whilst attempting to “fix” them. One evening while Danelle and I were cooking supper a woman came to the door. at times to the point of looking undernourished. Another time we met via the same ex girlfriend who’d got a group of gay people together to chat to someone who was studying psychology and wanted to find out about our experiences as gay people of the counseling or psychology sessions we may have had. the guys hadn’t paid their rent. a woman who is tall. saying she owned the property. that this was a way for me to avoid having to look and deal with my own issues. they did not need a deposit. The place was lovely and within the price range I could afford so I’d moved in and had been there for only 3 months. I have realised over time. the knight (lady!) in shining armour. I stopped going when I was getting asked more questions about our sex life than anything else! I listened with interest when Danelle spoke of her experiences. For a brief period of about 4 days Corrie and I got back together. She was just moving into a place of her own. people and bakkies organised. This was the start of a relationship that developed hard and fast. and often Page 9 . a place to store my furniture and said yes to Danelle’s generous offer for me to move in with her! All of the women I have been in relationship with have been totally different in physical appearance.I eventually got to do the job of music on the workshops. A week later the relationship between Danelle and myself turned into a romance. I gave her an ultimatum. Once in the small hours of the morning at Caesars when I was gambling… getting through another lonely night on my own doing something that I didn’t have to think about and that allowed me to stop feeling. just big enough for herself. invited myself for coffee and asked for her number as Stella wanted me to get her onto the workshop. a beauty that was. if there had been any bad experiences.
My job that month… Music once again! And oh boy were we making beautiful music… we had the whole ooompah band playing! She was experiencing both a spiritual and sexual awakening. a pair of tap shoes with a very special message. as was she for me… she always said the song Behind blue eyes brought me to mind immediately. I did however buy her a gift for that birthday. Some she told me about. A year after my second workshop I was still learning appropriate ways of dealing with issues. danced. she was there at my house waiting for me to get home after getting things ready for the next day. I couldn’t tell Danelle at that stage what the gift was about. With my lessons so far I had learnt that you cannot fix anyone’s problems for them no matter how much you want to. hidden behind masculine clothes. to be honest with them about what you see and experience with them. In April that year Corrie reached her 40th birthday. I was there for Danelle though. others I sensed were there but she wasn’t yet ready to discuss them with me. The place we were staying in was dark too. As angry as Danelle gets for me to say it though. my cheese was moving either by my own doing or by things beyond my control. then again don’t we all! I certainly had my fair share I still had to work on. an instrument of beauty that was just waiting for the right fingers to play the right tune! On the last day of the workshop I’d played the wrong song at one stage but how right that song was for me! Can’t stop the music. not much space and very little light. I grew to admire her and love her. made music. I had told Corrie I’d be playing beautiful music with someone else if she wasn’t there… never expecting it to come true… nothing happens by coincidence!! I’d known from the start Danelle had problems. She stopped doing for herself and started relying on me. I have never met anyone as willing and ready to do whatever it takes to sort out and through their issues as Danelle has been. She dealt with some issues…others not. I was going through issues regarding work. She was like a harp that had been forgotten and left to collect dust. personality / issues wise they do have a lot of similarities. this time however I didn’t want to go back to her. She and the significant other had ended their relationship once again. I still had a lot of love for Corrie but I did not want let go of what I had. It is then up to them to see if they consider your opinion to be relevant or not and if they choose to do something about it or not. we loved. Each evening. only later would she understand.still is. Page 10 . There is what I call “the dark side” of her. You are not doing anyone a favour by trying to protect them. The absolute opposite physically to Corrie who is shorter than I am and very voluptuous. the only way a person grows is to allow them to do it themselves. This usually occurred when she got stuck with things that had happened in her past and she couldn’t seem to move on. I was at the next workshop when she went through her experiences just before I moved in with her.
my yearning for love…. I told Corrie I had changed my mind and would not be moving to her. I could tell what mood she was in before getting to the door just by what she was listening to… Vangelis bad dark mood. We had a quiet time. eating. my search. Danelle stayed in the first weekend and I spent as much time as possible with her. sometimes stopping to get a takeaway sometimes not eating. fought the traffic back. worked to five thirty. the carrier of the burden. sleeping. The job I was doing at the time was very pressurized.loving mood. on the Thursday Danelle decided to tackle one of the huge issues in her life. With the dark moods there was the temper. left there.Not long after Corrie’s birthday. her past issues and issues with family took over and the music too changed. For three weeks I ran myself ragged!! I left for work early to travel to the other side of Jo’burg. growing more timid and withdrawn by the day. just the two of us. The music we had been making as a couple slowly but surely faded. In the short week I was there Corrie was obsessed with the whole issue around Danelle and my still being concerned for her. that I was going to support and love Danelle through whatever she had to go through. the controlled ever present deep seated anger. sometimes because of moods. Before we knew it the weekend was over and she had to go back for another week. I wasn’t sure if I was glad that she was once again on the move regarding her issues. dashed into the shops to get whatever Danelle had asked me to bring. We were also not going out much in those days. going home to the dark place we stayed in and fell into bed. the stomping around with a face that looked like thunder. visited until 9 sometimes 9h30. or if I was glad that she at least wouldn’t be around to feel the pain of me moving…. which would mean she would be away for 3 weeks. She came back a different person! Seemed much more cheerful. willing to tackle others. scared of some things. telling her that just because she’d done that to me did not mean I was going to do the same to her. That same night we made passionate Page 11 . making love. It felt like I was living my childhood all over again. sometimes because we’d gone gambling and couldn’t afford to go out. Steve Hofmeyer – happy dancing social mood. Once again I chose to leave and go back to Corrie. I was accused of all the things she had done to me! I sat through one session of ranting and raving then went on for about two hours. the dark side of Danelle got too much for me. too scared to say anything for fear of setting her off. None of her family was prepared to support her through this so once again I put myself in the role of “rescuer”. she left immediately. The hurt she felt was terrible to see. I was lucky if I remembered to go to the loo in the day that’s how much pressure was on me to get things done. watching TV. It wasn’t long though before the dark side took over once again. I told Danelle I was leaving her to go back to Corrie. I managed in between work and the visits to get to the shops and get what I wanted to welcome her home. the swearing and banging of doors. On the Friday a mixture of fear of possibly having to face another breakup with Corrie and worry for Danelle took over. not prepared to take her issues on. I was supposed to move in with Corrie on the weekend. Her fear. Josh Groban . The following weekend she was allowed home. There were more dark days than light… Corrie was in the background… the ever strong pull.
Page 12 . Realising that even though I thought I’d beaten my temper I was still susceptible under extreme provocation! In fact. dark haired woman I knew. Before my friend arrived Corrie came to investigate where I was. I so badly wanted to assist on that one! I wanted to watch the transformation. It was half an hour before my friend arrived by which time I’d calmed myself down to total ice. Corrie was scared I would go back. I did not get to assist. There was no way I could fit everything into my little Atoz I drove at the time. I had promised Danelle I would see her at the end of her workshop. to hear those issues she hadn’t yet had the courage to tell me about. Not without being verbally abused the whole time I was packing. She was meant to do it on her own without me being there. Throughout our relationship Corrie knew very little about my life. anger. I met with her twice on the day she was going to start. frustration.love. it had returned at that moment with such a vengence I had wanted to kill. fright of what would have happened if she hadn’t moved so fast. so I phoned a friend who agreed to come and assist me. having been there myself all the times Corrie had left me! Corrie however saw this as I loved Danelle and didn’t want to be with her. Corrie unlocked the door she was hiding behind. I cried myself to sleep that night. On the Friday night I had shared some of my past with her. Later we talked and I ended up crying. I waited in the driveway to ensure Corrie could not go out and lockup before I got everything I had there. By the Saturday the issues Corrie had and the fears had taken over. The next day was D day… Danelle day. at the first meeting Corrie had phoned and then flipped when I told her I was having coffee with Danelle. I knew exactly what she must be going through. to see what realisations she came to. instead she was tall. I was told that I had to take everything in one load or forget ever getting back anything left behind. I met up with her sister who had not spoken to me for a while because of issues she had with Danelle being gay. Danelle has in the meantime booked herself onto the second workshop. we got my stuff and we were out of there in 10 minutes flat. the reason… I felt so bad for hurting Danelle. I realised it was not a good place to be and I left. as her issues had always been more important. for letting her down. with me promising myself never to go there again! I took my things back to Danelle’s house. Danelle being the generous person she is and loving me unconditionally like she does gave me her house keys just in case I may need a place to go to whilst she was away if things didn’t go well with Corrie and I. I so badly wanted to watch the caterpillar change into the butterfly! There are no coincidences in life…. here I was looking for the long legged. a temper that scared both of us… I saw red and put my foot on the accelerator and drove straight for her!! If she hadn’t moved so fast I would’ve killed her! I had every intention to! She fled and locked herself in her house. Upon seeing me parked there the verbal abuse started again… only this time the few painful memories I had shared with her were thrown back at me! By this time it has been almost two years since I’d lost my temper. beautiful and blond!! The joy in her face when she saw me there! The mad scramble to get all her things together. did not know how to deal with that fear and subsequently took it out on me. I didn’t even recognise Danelle.
started to criticise me. I got blamed for not understanding. she disappeared only to reappear. asked how her day had been. Caught in a lie! She shared so much with me of what she’d done on her workshop. scolded her when I found out she’d not done much about finding a job herself. major past issues that had come up for her. spacious. she was beaming from ear to ear… suddenly she stopped them all and said “hey hold on she hasn’t answered yet!”. the moods started coming back. she never asked me if I’d come back to be with her or if I’d come back to be in a safe place. her being “frozen” and not willing or able to push through what she needed to look at. the coward. I was carrying the guilt of not being honest with her that day she completed her workshop… the combination of the two. She had changed yet again! I was extremely apprehensive for some reason. She took my hand and indicated I should stand on top of the table. We reached a stage where we hardly spoke to each other. for not doing…. for not supporting. WHAT TO DO! The scream kept in! The anguish of not wanting to hurt. disappoint. everyone was congratulating us. I was nervous and edgy but she didn’t notice any of this. she stopped working on being in the “now”. The jobs I suggested Page 13 . the openess. the issues. Even though we discussed what had gone down between Corrie and myself. so overjoyed to hear that I’d moved back she didn’t stop to question why. She’d gone to request a song… a special song for me. With time though. They went from being a “dark side” to being black! I did what I could to keep her motivated. We put all her dark furniture into storage and took out my lighter coloured things. the I don’t want to hurt. After only a week of being there she was miserable! I agreed to support her for a limited time period with the expenses we were jointly paying. the second workshop was a fraction of the price and at the end of five days they’d gotten more information and issues out of her than all the years with the trained professionals!! She was more open to discussion. less inclined to get angry and go to the dark side. She had resigned from her job to take on new challenges for her to grow in.go off with her group and then back to meet me at the Keg. the knowing it was not the right thing to do… “Yes”. she started slipping back into the past. and my ever present constant yearning and challenge… please love me…. as long as she earned enough to cover her personal expenses if she wanted to resign.. not caring who saw and heard. There and then in front of everyone she asked me to marry her! The love. As she put it she’d spent over R36 000 over the years on visits to the psychologist. We also decided that the place we were staying in did not suit us. do not embarrass her. me not wanting to take on or solve her issues. Me. making the place look warm and homely. newly built and moved there. the pain I was feeling to be hidden. Me. Not much seemed to be happening though except now she was getting angry with me. In the babble and noise and excited chatter. She was just so happy to see me. the expectant look on her face… HOW COULD I BURST HER BUBBLE! I hugged her close. I truly wanted to believe that now that so many issues had surfaced that we could get back to playing beautiful music together and for a while we did. and we found a lovely place that was light. In hindsight this was not a wise thing for me to do! Now she had all day to get through with just herself and her moods. if we did we were snapping. brought home ads.
were not good enough, she wasn’t qualified, she didn’t have any interest, you name it she had the excuse not to do…. Me I kept pushing, refusing to do it for her, wanting her to just do something to help herself! Eventually I’d had enough. One of the things that came out of her second workshop was that she was to “let go”. She had over the years clung onto experiences, relationships, emotions so hard she had done fantastic job of beating herself up in a number of ways. I wanted to afford her the opportunity to let go of me. The physical side of our relationship had all but stopped, I told her I wasn’t happy, I told her the truth about having agreed to marry her, how I’d not wanted to burst her bubble, how I didn’t think I was in the right relationship for me… even with all of that and me doing the tough love thing regarding her work situation, it still took over a month for her to finally say she was ending the relationship so I could do what I wanted to! I was free! I could now take the time for myself to see what I wanted for me. Corrie and I had once again been communicating but I was not ready to go into a relationship with anyone. Understandably considering our relationship to date, Danelle did not believe that. Corrie on her side was also hoping that we could get things back together. Throughout the last few years of my life when things were going tough emotionally or I wanted time out from feeling or thinking I’d go off to a casino and just close myself off from everything and everyone. It is a place a woman can go to by herself. You are surrounded by people and yet be totally on your own, a place where all the people are so engrossed in their own gambling you don’t have to speak to a soul if you don’t want to, or you can chat to the person next to you if choose to. A few of the girlfriends I’d had were just as keen as I to go. Corrie and I had gone together, Arlene and I had gone together, Danelle and I had gone together. I’d realised at least two years before that I was developing a fixation with it, and that I did not know when to stop! I would promise myself I’d only spend X amount. Once I was at a Casino though I’d end up going to the ATM time and time again until it wouldn’t give me any more that day… there were even times I’d walk around for an hour or so just waiting for midnight so that my next day’s limit was available and I could continue playing. Eventually it had nothing to do with winning or losing money, nothing to do with light entertainment, it was the escape from feeling that was important! There had been occasions I would spend more than I should have, when I’d had to short pay on some of my monthly expenses and then make them up the next month leaving me short or funds for that month. Since being retrenched from my job 3 years earlier I’d done numerous things, temping, short term contracts, started a gift business over Christmas period. My pension had lasted six months. It would have lasted much longer if I hadn’t gambled as much. The girlfriend I had at the time was having a hard time financially so if I went I ended up giving her money to gamble with as well. I hadn’t minded in the least, we always shared out winnings with each other or subsidised each other if one ran out of money.
Over the next month or so, sharing the same space as Danelle, seeing Corrie on a friendly basis, I spent a lot of time at the Casino rather than go home and face Danelle. I knew she was hurting, her moods were terrible, my going out and staying out till all hours did not help the situation at all! She still didn’t have a job. The air between the two of us was so thick you could slice it with a knife! This came to a head one evening where I’d been out a few late nights and she’d also been out. She got home after me one night and I was battling to sleep not knowing if her car had broken down or if she was coming home, too proud on the one hand to phone her, not wanting her to feel I was checking up on her on the other in case she started the same with me. She got home, the lights went on, the cell phone was beeping, I was stressed and irritated, talk about explosive! We had a huge fight that ended after she’d walked out the room and I tried to lock the door behind her so she’d stay out and I could get some sleep. Wrong move! She kicked the door down! It came so close to a fist fight that evening, neither of us wanting to lose control and hurt the other and yet not knowing how to contain the anger and frustration. I left for work at 6 that morning, came home, packed and moved in with Corrie to get away. I managed to organise a place to house sit for three weeks even though Corrie did not want me to go. I didn’t want to feel obliged to her, I didn’t want to go back to my home until Danelle was gone or I’d found another place. Danelle had found a job in Randburg. The problem with the house I was looking after though, was that it was 5 minutes away from Monte Casino! During this time both Danelle and Corrie took me to Casino’s as a treat, they gave me money to gamble with if they had and I didn’t. There was even one night that we all three went together! The day after I was supposed to attend a two year anniversary get together with the group I’d done my second workshop with. I ended up not going. I stayed in bed the whole day, depressed, angry with myself. I confronted both Danelle and Corrie and asked them why, when I’d been there to support both of them with their problems and issues, were they unwilling to support me with mine!? Not only unwilling, in fact they were encouraging me to go to the very place they knew I wanted to go but they knew I had a problem with! That December I gambled away every last cent, except the money I had to pay for rent! I’d finally reached my rock bottom with my gambling. I realised how much of my hard earned money I was throwing away. How all this time throughout all my ups and downs, I’d been given an abundance some people can only dream of. I had friends who loved me, a group from my second workshop that was still close after two years, enough money to get me through most months, those that had been tough were mainly because of my gambling! I’d spent 6 months of that time living with my first girlfriend. She’d given me a home and shelter at a time I’d needed it most. Even in that time though I’d gambled away what bit I had left. Enough was enough! At the beginning of January as soon as the Gambling Board Offices opened I banned myself from Casino’s country wide. The Gaming board also offers free psychological counseling sessions for those that have a problem. I booked my sessions – 6 in all and a month after the last one, a follow up to check on how you are doing. I joined Gambler’s Anonymous and have attended a meeting each and every week. After completing the sessions with the psychologist she asked me if I
would consider going to the East Rand group rather than the one in Norwood. They are a small group and battling to keep clean. I’d passed on a lot of the writing I’d done to her at the start of the sessions and asked to her read through them to see if she could pick up any patterns that I was missing, anything extra that may help me to stay away from gambling or that I still need to work on to grow more. Her conclusion at the end of the sessions was that I was a strong person, have accepted responsibility for all that has happened in my life and I could possibly help others! Me!? The one still battling and still being challenged daily to love myself?! Hmm what was I missing or not seeing if she could see that and I couldn’t? I agreed to go, at the same time making it clear to both groups that I’m doing this for me firstly! If I can be of assistance to anyone else then great, but I no longer want to mess my own life up by giving too much of myself to others! I want to love myself enough to do what I need to do for me. Pieces of me… I started writing this at 7o’clock last night. I eventually stopped at half past three this morning! There are so many pieces… I want to continue with this and show how my pieces have all fallen into place… There are no co-incidences in life though and right now I want to stop here and first write about another piece of me… the lost one…. I received an sms two days ago from Craig whom I worked with whilst at a Restaurant Software company, it announced a funeral was to be held on 01 April for Aimee-Kate. She was his 3 month old daughter that he’d had with Liz. Liz and I did our first workshop together and even though there was a huge age gap we had really connected because we had both lost babies…. Today that piece of me fell into place and a chapter was closed for me.. more about that in The Lost Ones – A Mother’s Love. Back to the recent past…. At the end of December Danelle moved out to stay with her sister close to her new job, and I moved back into the home we had shared. In January while chatting to Corrie I decided I wanted to assist on the workshops she’d been going to for a while. They were supposedly very similar to those that we’d attended together and yet there were some major differences. For one you are not expected to do any of the cleaning and setting up. The number of people that attend at a time is much smaller so there is better contact made with the people going through the workshop. They have one or two processes that the other workshop does not have. I went for the training to assist on it. Because of the experience I’d gained on the other set of workshops, it was not considered necessary for me to go through this one first. The previous night had been a friend’s birthday and we’d all got together at a dance in Pretoria. I did not invite Corrie with and she was hurt by this but I still wasn’t ready for a relationship and I wanted some time out for me with old friends. Danelle also turned up at the dance. We’ve always danced well together and needless to say we ended up together on the dance floor most of the evening. The attraction to her was still very much there, especially in an
the more I wanted to run away. The next email contained threats against my life. and that that did not give her the right to ask anything from me much. Danelle stayed overnight. I chose to go regardless of what was going down. how she would bring me down. me on the new one. I stayed out of her way as far as possible even though she was doing her best to be friendly. Danelle and I chose to go back into a relationship once more. I do know. was Danelle. When Danelle had moved out she was unable to take her cat Mica with her. Corrie was threatening to expose my gambling problems to my work. She loved me. that she and I were just friends. By the time I got this in place and had a warrant of arrest in my possession in case she overstepped the boundaries it was time to assist on the workshop with her. This time however we would live apart and just see each other when it was convenient. laughing like an insane person. I knew however it was based on hurt as she felt betrayed. By 6 o’clock there was a stream of abusive sms’s on both my phone and Danelle’s.environment filled with music! She was looking good and moving on with her life. Heavens knows why she put up with me! Actually. I just did what I had to do. much less actually say them. In the 5 years we’d been having the on/off relationship. She made the mistake of putting things in writing and I told her to either stop or I would take legal action! Corrie on a mission though is something to see and hear! She left voicemail on my phone. Corrie wanted to do a clearing with me about things she felt weren’t working for her with me. her on the original ones I’d been to. There was one process though that I refused to do with her the workshop. that she is not the woman I ultimately wanted Page 17 . which ended after my training session. vowing to get her revenge. making new ones. to tell my ex girlfriends and family all sorts of things that I’d supposedly said about them. Early the next morning Corrie had come round to check up on me. I realized though. Danelle battled to come to terms with this. not so much for her sake as for my own! I printed the emails out. my car. She sms’d a few times that evening and I chose to ignore them as Danelle was visiting. I did not avoid her but I did not go out of my way to talk to her either. When she was there I didn’t want to do anything with her. When I got to work there was an email waiting for me. my work you name it. I could not get myself to even think of saying those words to her. took them through to Randburg Family Court and got a temporary restraining order against her. When she saw Danelle’s car there she went ballistic. The more she wanted to see me. I chose for the first time ever to set my boundaries. I was not in the mood and would not agree to see her. she was to come through and see him and bring food through for him. The language and threats did not go down well with me. I had this delivered to her by the Sheriff of the Court at her work as she was often not at home. She did not like being on the receiving end of what she considered to be a betrayal. We were both going to be assisting on workshops on the same weekend. sms or email me or she would be arrested. She was not to phone. going out with friends. I replied calmly that I owed her nothing. I lie. After her training session for the seminar. why I’d not been answering her sms’s. she knew that the one person that she’d almost lost me to forever. less spy on me.
That hit home hard! After the break up with Danelle I did what I could to make sure I was not available to her as often. moving on. She had having trouble accepting this. There were only four of us that had done this work that could assist. not in the way she wanted it to. I learnt that I can still assist people to reach realizations in their life without physically tiring myself out. how to physically love her body and someone else’s. She didn’t like it when I didn’t answer or respond to her sms’s and was busy or distant when she phoned. had a heart of gold and would give her last to me if I allowed it. I learnt I can be kind to myself and still do what I enjoy doing. There are no coincidences in life! A friend had asked me to market a book she had written to manufacturers. We had a lot of fun the weekend. I learnt that sometimes even though you are being friendly and not “neutral” (showing no emotion) people will see you as being harsh. she told me. A book… Hmmm and here I am now thinking of my own writing! As far as my assisting on workshops goes. She is a beautiful woman. I learnt that I don’t have to stop being me and make myself into a robot preprogrammed by other’s wishes. Whereas in December she was going out. One time she poured coke in for me and by the time she turned around the coke was missing. I knew my heart didn’t lie with her. She often got angry and depressed about it. I learnt that the length of the workshops did not count. I learnt some very valuable lessons once I started assisting on the new one’s with Corrie. her secrets that she has never revealed to anyone. she kept saying I was being unfair. I was the only one to love and respect her for what she is. During that time I assisted a second time with Corrie on a workshop. There were a few instances where she was so busy trying to take care of me she missed out herself. on our way back into the venue. She had trusted me with her life story. eating meat etc) to be able to make a difference in someone’s life. After one break. I chose to break the relationship off once again. I wanted to be able to look myself in a mirror and know I’m ok with whatever I’m doing in my life. As far as the flirting was concerned. it was the content that was important. at other times she gave me something to eat and neglected herself. something I didn’t believe was good for either of us. I learnt at the end of this that not everything is about Page 18 . At the same time I was trying to show her that she must take care of herself before she thinks of taking care of others. this time she seemed stuck. This time was to be permanent. It’s their impression not the reality. I was the one that showed her how to love herself. The new set of workshops were planning to run the second phase one for the first time. I flirted with her like crazy and she was doing all she could to make sure I was fed and comfortable etc. I learnt that when something is done with love it is as beneficial if not more so than being harsh. I’d had enough of hurting her. The work I was doing though was not bringing in an income and I had to watch my expenses as well as apply myself to making my new venture work. I turned around and told her that as long as she gave me the power to mess with her mind I would do it. She still wanted to spend a lot of time with me. I’d also resigned from my job in that time and was suddenly very busy anyway. taking away from myself (smoking. Of all the relationships she’s had.to be with and it wasn’t fair to continue to give her hope when there was none.
apart from my own life lessons. We got together a couple of times beforehand to plan things. but the business itself needs to be looked at. The work they do is excellent. Everything people did for them was voluntary and if you didn’t do something to their liking you heard about it very loudly and clearly. he did it willingly and lovingly. If there was something between them I would respect that and stay away. I wasn’t sure if I should trust her although she swore there was nothing between them. After they had heard that some people that were regular assistants with them were going to come and assistant on the same workshops as me. they sent out a letter to everyone saying they didn’t endorse the workshops. A renewed interest developed between us. She choose not to say anything other than to talk to Corrie. I realized I didn’t have much trust in my own judgement when it came to her. she was supporting her with some issues. only to find out later that she’d not been honest with me. On the second set I learnt that even my opinion was taken into consideration. That if I had a better or easier way of doing things. According to Corrie. I’d watched their organization go from a flourishing business two and a half years ago to one that is now constantly struggling to find enough people willing to assist. You had no say in how things should or could go. I’d believed her so many before. selfishness and assumed power. Regardless of your circumstances. The number of times assistants raised issues they’d encountered and they were told they would be sorted out by the next workshop and they hadn’t been was scary! Where’s the integrity in that? I learnt they operated from a base of fear of losing their income. With only four of us assisting and three times the number of participants attending we had to plan carefully what would happen and who was responsible for what. By this time Corrie and I were back on friendly terms. After assisting on the second set of workshops. She’d spent a lot of time the previous two weeks with someone she’d had a relationship with very briefly around September last year. the man running it announced he had made a profit and was sharing it amongst the assistants! This was not something he had to do. The first set preach integrity and yet the people who run it and not in integrity themselves. For me the money could not have come at a better time. I was not as yet earning anything from my new venture. It is no longer coming from a place of love. I sent an email to the woman concerned saying I loved Corrie but realized she’s made a life for herself in the last few months and I didn’t want to interfere with that. I explained to her where I was coming from. Needless to say Corrie was furious and saw it as an invasion of her life. That I am important. they were willing to listen. I was scared! I Page 19 . She was aware that I would not be verbally abused again. I did not expect to receive anything for it. one where there is constant bickering amongst the assistants and bad vibes in general. that was a bonus! Not one I’d expect every time either but it is great to know that some people see what you are worth and have no problem paying you for your time and efforts. they were in it for the profit they made. She slept over there at least three times the week before the workshop. rather a place of greed. but there is no reason why one should not share what you have with others. could she please let me know before I made any moves. that if you assisted on any other kind of workshop you were not welcome to go back to theirs.money. For all the assisting I’d done on the other workshops. I assisted for the love of the work. it does not take away from you. there was never any real acknowledgement of you as a person.
The weekend itself was wonderful! To watch people and assist them going life changing realizations is something you cannot explain until you’ve done it yourself. I was as open and honest with her as I could be. relationship status yet wanting a future together. It felt so perfect!! I hadn’t felt so loved by Corrie and so much love for her since the first year we lived together. When Corrie and I went home together we just loved each other. Corrie came round. At the end of it I could see the confusion on some of the faces when I said what mine was.didn’t want to go down the same route of lies and betrayal that has gone down the last few years. told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship. she was actually in integrity in that moment as she didn’t want to be with me. Some of the participants were going to be staying over at Corrie’s house so she came to mine for the weekend. all over again!! The next morning she phoned to say she’d drop the charger off and wanted to chat. the challenge to please love me. We went to bed late. My gut feeling said no. To be totally on purpose and in integrity and do whatever is needed is something else! There were no restrictions on what we as assistants could do or say in the room. She chose to accept that. I’d heard it too many times before. lies. I’ve loved her no matter what has gone down between us. The facilitator did offer a number of times over the weekend to assist me in getting to my purpose. I was very scared! There were also certain things I did want from a relationship and other things that Corrie did that I did not want to have happen on a daily basis. made beautiful love and slept. I chose to ignore my gut feeling hoping it was just fear of the past and on the Thursday we went into a relationship. We discussed things before the time as in the past and this time she said she felt ready to go into a relationship with me. I found out she was Page 20 . The next day she was going through to her friend once again. That night though she switched her cell phone off and stayed over with her friend once again. I was angry but realized that even though I was accusing her of being out of integrity after the promises she made. I told him I was quite happy with what I had. I was also good at showing others how to love themselves. We were chatting about possibly moving in together considered our financial circumstances. I had appointments of my own. Corrie had reservations and brought up some of the issues that had gotten in the way previously. Each person on the workshop found their purpose. Betrayal. I’d forgotten my charger for my phone at her house and she promised to drop it off on the way home that night. On Tuesday I spent time with Corrie at her place. If that was what she wanted I’d rather not move in with her… The signs were all there… she was getting ready to run. as I needed to constantly remind myself of it. In the meantime I was making arrangements to go through to the person running the workshops who had offered me the use of his internet to send emails from for the work I was doing. my head and heart though said otherwise. deceit. For me there was love inside the workshop and outside. I didn’t wait for an explanation. both in the day and in the evening with a GA meeting. All day loving messages were sent back and forth between us.
She agreed. bag over my arm. She was crying on the other side too and said she’d call me back later. so she was aware of the situation and more than willing to be there to support me. That Friday I spent the day with my family. us three girls positioned on a slide.also going to the person who runs the workshop to take her friend there. In the meantime a braai had been arranged for all the people that had come off the second workshop. walked right in and then just dropped below the surface. We had a lovely day visiting. no fighting no nothing. Our family ended up being 4 girls and a boy. I knew by then their relationship was not friends. As children we’d all been affected by it and still carry issues because of it. sheep and cows wandering about. my mom gave me an envelope that contained pictures from my past. It felt good to get out the city and in touch with nature again. If you look further up the slide there is a boy and another girl. There was also one of my great grandparents on my father’s side. I’d had coffee with Danelle on Thursday and had told her all that had gone down. Fortunately my dad had seen me disappear and dived in to fish me out! The other photo’s were with my sister’s in a paddling pool. If they hadn’t already been sleeping together they would be shortly. the memories I and the others tend to have of him was later in life when he was drinking heavily. didn’t care for his family. as many as were on the slide in that picture. I’ve had enough practice getting over her! I called Danelle a bit later to ask if she minded if I “use” her and would she accompany me to the braai as I didn’t want to go on my own. I chose to wait until they’d been before I went around. On Friday she sent an sms to say she couldn’t handle the pain in my voice and that’s why she hadn’t phoned. dogs running around. me hiding her tummy. For years we’d debated why my father had turned out like he had. During the course of the day. dressed up in dungarees and a wooly cap on my head to keep out the cold. his mother’s mother. We had a braai out in the garden. That day I had apparently wandered down to the water. I left my cell phone at home switched off so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact Corrie and wouldn’t be disturbed if she chose to contact me. My mom was up from Kriel at my sister’s place and my brother picked me up on the way through there. The family all went off to find a porcupine hole that’s in the one field and I lay in the middle of the veld until they returned as I’d already been there before. was selfish etc. All black and white photo’s taken in England. Some from the age of two. I called her later and asked her through my tears to please reconsider what she was doing. when my mom was pregnant with my brother. I have very few recollections of my life in the early years. She retold me the story of the one that was taken in Scotland with me in front of a tent. She didn’t. Pieces of me. Page 21 . She told me she was going to be attending with someone else. No bubbles. I told her not to worry about my pain it never lasts long.
I may Page 22 . a relationship with her was what I wanted but it if didn’t happen I was totally ok with it. to prepare herself for a confront at the braai. The difference between how he saw and lived his life was so very different to where I am now! He is the one that blames his father. He got quite irate saying I was blaming my father for everything that has gone wrong in my life in my writing. The next morning early she phoned three times. I’ve spent too much of my life pretending to keep others happy. She had not wanted to call me and speak so now she must just listen! I told her exactly what I thought about her running. When I saw them on their way back I excused myself from the table and made my way down to them. “If you’d only told me the truth though I wouldn’t have gone there” was my reply. She and her friend hand in hand and all over each other. HA! She can do what she wants and yet wanted me to pretend there was nothing going on. I don’t do the pretend thing too well anymore. after all I wrote it. She asked me not to do anything in front of the people in the message she left. I left a message on Corrie’s cell when she didn’t pick up. He has yet to start looking. laughing chatting as if nothing was happening. I took responsibility for all that had happened and my actions afterwards. When I got home. My life would continue regardless of whether she was in it or not. The rest of the day was uneventful and I was home again by around 8o’clock. I love her and I know she loves me. She didn’t call. Danelle being her beautiful self and able to mix easily with people. The two of them walked away from the table area and down towards the pool. her betrayal. Angelique the friend got a hug as well as everyone else and she told me how much she’d appreciated my email. I chose not to answer her calls. I greeted all except for Corrie. I asked Angelique to please excuse us while I had a talk to Corrie. That didn’t mean I had to make a scene in front of people but I did want to have my say. She did try and answer and I told her to be quiet. I could see how uncomfortable Corrie was but was not prepared to make it easy for her. If she so badly wanted to help this friend why was she getting involved with her when she and I both knew she was just using her and then she would just end up coming back to me anyway. Another piece of me had fallen into place. my own responsibility in that I’d ignored my gut feeling so I didn’t hold that against her. I know the piece. The pattern had been happening for 3 and a half years it was time to stop! Too many other people had been hurt already! I then went back and joined the people at the table and proceeded to have a wonderful afternoon. I told him that and he was not impressed at all.My brother and I got into a discussion later in the afternoon about a piece I had written on Abuse and being the Abuser. We moved to the side of the house out the view of everyone. Once there I told her exactly what I thought and felt about her behaviour. What she was doing was only hurting her. Not once that I can remember did I blame anyone. I pointed out her pattern to run and the danger of involving innocent parties in her games. asking for her to call me I wanted to speak to her and if she didn’t phone back that night. not me. I’ve dealt with issues regarding that phase of my life. her integrity. Danelle and I arrived on time and soon settled in. Corrie and entourage arrived later. A piece of me fell into place. No more was she able to hurt me. arm in arm.
One couple were friends of Corrie’s I’d met years ago. The follow up for the workshop was happening that night and she expressed how much she wanted to spend time with me on what for her was a special day. No one had a problem with it as she’d also gone through the workshops so knew what they were about. I knew why… the self destruction was back in full force. till our feet couldn’t dance anymore! We bumped into a few people we knew. Her first since all the life changes she had made. While we were dancing we saw Angelique across the room dancing on one of the podiums. We started off on the inside dance floor. but never got to. helped them pack up at the end of the show and then they came over for coffee. We later moved outside and continued to dance there. I may be sad but no longer hurt! In fact I was busy reading a book called “Write it down and make it happen”. sharing partnership with Corrie for the rest of my life. The one person she wanted to share it with was me who had been with her and there for her throughout. Danelle stayed over for the night and we had another chat about the two of us. That meant Corrie was there somewhere too. I showed her the photo’s of my groups. This whilst I knew she was with another woman. That was up to Corrie. That I was not prepared to hurt her again. showing her that I was ok and what I’d been up and the home I now had. a place we’d been talking about going to for just about all the time we were together. Later at the table we were talking about Danelle’s birthday which was coming up on Tuesday. She told us how he was a different man in the beginning of Page 23 . We spent over four hours there. I’ve always known that is what I want. she took my face in her hands to greet me. dancing till the small hours of the morning. The one guy mentioned they’d seen Corrie and tried to get her attention but she saw nothing. The next day was Sunday and my sister and mom were at a dog show in Kempton about 10 minutes from my house. I told her they came from the workshops I had done previously.cry for an hour or so. The “make it happen” though was not up to me. “Rescuer!!” “Nice Guy” “Keep everyone happy” me came to the fore and asked if it was ok if she also come on Tuesday so she could get her wish. I once again made it clear where I stood. Danelle and I went through. Click! Another piece fell into place. Corrie and entourage had left around 5. spent time with them there. as she considered it to be her first birthday. I held no animosity towards people that I would traditionally have seen as hurting me because they were involved with the person I wanted to be with. caring. We got into a discussion again regarding my father and how he was when we were growing up. This was the first time in almost 3 years that my mother had been to my home so she got the grand tour. She had to stop running. We decided we wanted to go dancing at Ramp Diva’s. I’d written on the Friday that I wanted a loving. She noticed the papers I had stuck to my wall in my bedroom. On a trip to the ladies Angelique spotted us as she walked past. open. I smiled and greeted her back with the greatest of ease. It felt good to have her there. Danelle and I left around 9 o’clock that evening.
The one who originally caused the problems in their relationship with his gambling still loved his wife even though she’d left him and had been living with another man. his mother in turn from her mother. I’ve had an opportunity that my father had never had! He had carried behaviour he got from his mother.their relationship. I then turned my cell off and spent the day relaxing with Danelle at her home. We had emigrated to SA in 1968 and he was a happy man with a loving wife and a happy family. cleaned up his act and about two weeks ago she’d finally realized she wanted to be with him. He changed overnight. whether I want to live my life like he did or not. The GA meeting itself was interesting for me. On the way out to her the next morning Corrie sent me an sms asking if I could ever forgive her for what she’d done. She expressed how very glad she was that he had not given up on her even though she hadn’t wanted to go back to him. still loved her regardless. There is a couple there that has just got back together after being apart for 2 years. They were both there at the meeting. He’d been an only child. I choose not to leave that kind of legacy behind! I choose not to act and react because of things from my past. That evening Danelle went home after we’d made arrangements to spend Easter Monday together. My father died at age 49. I sent her an sms or two to indicate I was still around. How he’d never known how to handle five children. People can change for the better instead of just carrying issues for the rest of their lives. I know I am a product of him. I wondered if I would ever get to hear those words… the longing. When his mom passed away two years later the behaviour was already entrenched and just grew steadily worse over the years. the yearning… the looking for love… still with me! Page 24 . He was out to prove to his mother than no-one would tell him what to do. Another piece of me fell into place! I also chose to continue to love Corrie and not give up on her. doing what he wanted when he wanted. a man not liked by his children or his wife. I’ve had the opportunity to realize it doesn’t always have to be like that. She did. He started drinking. After being back for less than a week she had a nervous breakdown and spent a few days in a clinic. I once again realized how lucky I have been to have done the workshops I have. A legacy left behind that his children still live today. she needed to talk. In those days there was nowhere a woman with five children could go. His mother has always ruled their household when he was growing up. It was good to see Mica the cat again too he’d grown so much! I sent Corrie an sms on the way to my meeting to check if she still wanted to see me. I told her I had plans already for the day and that I was going to a GA meeting in the evening but if it finished early enough I would pop in. When they first married he was loving etc. especially a woman. I choose now however. that she knew she was wrong and please could she see me. she did not believe in divorce anyway. About two years after coming here his mother came out to live with us. He’d hung in there. She had been very hard on him. to which she responded. or how to share. My mom had never worked before and because her own parents had been divorced when she was young. behaving dominantly with everyone. It was a relief for his family once he was no longer there. a bitter man.
The other method I gave her to work with was the again write down the feeling. Basically I sat down next to her and explained that by not coming clean and laying all the facts on the table for all to see she was giving herself an escape route to run again if things didn’t go right for her. We looked up all of the symptoms in Louise Hay’s book to see what the meaning of the ailments were. the realizations she had come to. Those around her had noticed her behaviour anyway no matter how much she pretended all was ok and life was a big party. were her responsibility. did she want to make a difference in her own life for herself. She sat there and told me everything she’d been up since we’d last spent time together on Tuesday. only support her. How people with addictive personalities go about making changes in their life even though they still face the urges they had before. The getting involved with Angelique. Only a narrow minded person rejects someone who is sorting out problems and are open about it. Also her right hand was painful. The universe had also given feedback of it’s own to Corrie. having a grip. I then spent time with her showing her ways of working with her feelings when she felt the urge to run or self destruct. She desperately wanted help with these issues. I pointed out complaints she had about others not keeping their word and how it affected what she thought of them. At first she was reluctant to say anything. the drugs. The way she had been behaving made people lose respect for her very quickly. changes in life taking place! How clearer could the universe be! Page 25 . The hand was related to problems with letting go. She was covered in bruises from having fallen twice over the weekend. What were the consequences of her doing what she wanted and the feelings she had for herself once she’d done them. At the end of the day though it was her choice. What if this doesn’t work. Ie Fear. write down what she wanted to do. kept secrets the only person she was lying and hiding things from was herself. Then to list all the possibilities of what she could do instead and what the consequences were of those and how she could feel about herself after doing them. The bruises equated to deep seated anger and resentment for self. angry with herself for what she was doing and what she was allowing in her life. I explained that I could not help her. gut reaction. She was at that stage she admitted. How to write down her feelings. why she was feeling it / or what the circumstances were and what the actual reality is.30 Monday. I assured her no one would be critical of her if she was to come clean with people in her life. I invited her to attend GA with me to see how they deal with things. That within 3 days of running! For the first time ever she was seeing the consequences of her actions. She had realized this time though that unless she stopped running she was going to be dead in less 6 months with her self destruction. At the end of the day if she left anything out of the telling.I got to Corrie’s around 9. what she did about her problems. the drinking. or didn’t do. Reality – it will never work unless you do something about it. she thought she’d said everything in the sms’s. she wasn’t sure if it was arthritis starting up or what.
As long as she had the time with me she didn’t care if I. when she’d already seen me just the day before! Like hello!! Where was she at that time? Where was she in my life the last week and long weekend? She was the one that was running and here she expected me just to sit by and wait for her to walk back into my life and not make plans to do anything with anyone until she was there!? She did have the decency to look ashamed when I asked her. I didn’t want her there because of Corrie and I must stop thinking everyone was out to mess me around just because Corrie did. Two weeks ago she’d asked if I Page 26 . showing you ways of working through emotions that mess you up. how she was going to have a big party and invite all the special people in her life to celebrate this day with her. She had just wanted words of comfort not to be told she couldn’t go with she said. Nauseous and dizzy. I suggested she cancel coming through the evening if she wasn’t well. She had earned the right to be there at the follow up. Sms’s flew back and forth for the next hour or two. I decided to give her the chance to prepare herself. I even got asked why Danelle had to spend the evening with me. was making notes. Now’s a perfect time to put them in practice”. especially if it was Gastro as that is contagious. even said she wanted to apologise to everyone for her behaviour at the braai on Saturday. a few people had been to him with the same complaint. As I was leaving I was in two minds as to if I should tell her that Danelle would be at the follow up the next night or not. I realized I’d only invited her because I felt I had to make her happy on her birthday! Wrong! This was not my responsibility. or anyone else there that night got ill. what I wanted or what was good for me didn’t count. I told her that I didn’t need that promise. It wasn’t that serious as the doctor had only booked her off for the day. She exploded!! “How can you do this to me! This is revenge for what I’ve done to you! You know I don’t want to be around Danelle in a place I consider a “safe” place. Click! Another piece of me fell into place. I went home. marry me etc and asked me to please love her. I for did not want to get it. She’d just gotten home and was going to bed. I had a box full of letters and cards with promises she’d already broken a number of times. She was livid. She called back later to say he had booked her off as he thought it was Gastro. to love me. Click! Another piece of me fell into place. I couldn’t afford not to be able to work. Tuesday. A place I created for myself! There is no way I’m going to go if that &*%&% is there!” Those were some of the milder things that were thrown at me. When I spoke to Danelle she wasn’t feeling very well. For months she’d been talking about her birthday. promising to be there for me 24/7. I realized that this was all about her. As there were cigarettes still in the box I told her I would give her the box the next evening. She agreed to go see a doctor as soon as she’d sorted out the main rush of work she was busy with. If she chose to run once again only she would suffer. The next day was Danelle’s birthday. day of the forum follow up.She wrote a promise to me on the back of my cigarette box. She owed it to herself to see what her work on the workshop had done for those people and if she didn’t go she would only be robbing herself of an experience and positive feedback no one else. She wanted what she wanted. She was very willing to listen to all the advice I gave her. “I’ve just spent hours sitting with you. I replied.
You are not alone. for myself by myself and that each should do exactly what they wanted and not expect me to make a choice for them or support them with whatever they chose to do. but too late to ensure that what they did was successful. a Sunday. which has lots of affordable goodies. So why had she not done any of the things she’d wanted to do? Why was it all put in front of my door? But most of all. The thought had been there from their side. On my actual birthday I was so busy at work and then in the evening that I only got a chance to sit down and eat something at 9 o’clock at night. at Corrie’s place. was the angel cards we all three received that day. Or share your compassion with others. Apply the rule of detachment and watch how things change. Either that or people knew the situation well by then and chose not to attend and witness what was going on. Then as soon as the workshop had ended and they said the date the follow up was on.would still go out with her for supper and that it would be myself and some friends. It was so last minute that other than my daughter and Maricka no one was able to attend. it was not my birthday! For my birthday in January she and Corrie had at last minute decided to have a party on the day before my actual birthday. Proceed with confidence. I’d was angry with myself for neglecting myself so badly on a day that was supposed to be special for me… Where was the love for myself on that day! Corrie in the meantime was still wavering about whether she wanted to attend the follow up or not. I eventually told both of them that what they did was up to them. Mine: Effort: You are expending too much effort in one area of your life. Me wanting neither. As it turned out I found a lovely soft chocolate brownie cake with about 6 pieces and still had R1 change! The previous year I’d really spoilt her on her birthday. By the time I’d picked out what I wanted I had only R9 left to get her a cake. I’d told her at that stage if I wasn’t busy I would. Corrie’s: Reassurance: Your fears and doubts have been heard. each wanting a piece of me. it was time to go and find something for Danelle for her birthday and to spoil her in the way I wanted to and not the way she wanted. I was going. Once I’d done what I needed to do regarding business for the day. I had let her know I would not be available on her birthday after all. They’d both sms’d what they’d received to me. I went shopping. Each one of us got one so spot on for the situation that was going down. I was quite relieved they hadn’t come because it had felt like a tug of war between Corrie and Danelle. One interesting thing for me and which proves once again that there are no coincidences in life. why had I taken it upon myself to make her birthday what she wanted?? I was not her girlfriend anymore. First I’d Page 27 . I had limited funds so I went to the Excitement store. I hoped to be able to get a cupcake if nothing else for the candles I had found. Danelle’s: Compassion: You must show compassion and nurture yourself.
she only has to ask. we can repair damage that has been done or improve on our garments and lives This is for those days she feels like being a baby and just crying.taken her to the zoo to indulge the child in us all. This is for the days she wants to make her very own special music or for the days when she needs to beat her own drum and acknowledge herself for all she has done and continues to do for others and herself. Not just one person. When I arrived at the gate I quickly put the candles on the cake. Once she’d made the coffee to go with the cake. In no particular order this is what she took out one by one: A tiara. This represents the love people have for her. everyone does. I asked her to fetch pen and paper so she could write. then I’d given her a stuffed Tazz her favourite cartoon character. This is to represent that even though we make mistakes in the same way a fabric can be torn. what I’ve said or how hard I push her. I’d organized a surprise party with friends at her favourite drinking place that had live music for us to dance to. That is for the days she feels she needs extra pampering or love and care that she must give to herself. A teddy holding a heart Water wings with a star on A sewing kit A dummy sweet Bubble bath A tambourine An angel doll Page 28 . She asked why but I wouldn’t tell her. That is for the angel I see in her. earrings & beads The tiara represents the princess she is and how precious she is both to me and other’s in her life. The one who is there for me. regardless of what I’ve done. The earrings and beads represent the woman in her that should be shown to the world. but all those in her life. I would give her an explanation for each which she was to write down so she never forgot what I saw in her and what she has meant to me. To know that she a star and there are people out there who will support her to get her through those times. When she opened the gate I walked up with the candles burning and singing. Three small ones to represent her turning 33 and one tall one to represent her first birthday since her doing the workshops. I’d taken her to be pampered with a facial and I’d bought her some lovely sexy underwear. This was for the days she felt she was drowning and going to dark places. I didn’t have that kind of money available but that didn’t mean the gifts couldn’t be special. To let her know that it’s ok to have days like that. This year was certainly different. just told her again to go and fetch them. Then I put the bag of goodies in front of her and told her she was to dip her hand in and take out something.
What a tussle! I stood my ground and she was backed up against the wall in more ways than one! Time to stop running!! I repeated some of the things I’d said to her the night before. The next minute Danelle walked in the driveway on the other side of me. I was just as determined not to let her go without realizing that all she was doing was running away again and would be taking away from herself by not staying. I met her greeted and hugged her then went inside to the toilet. She was speaking to someone else. A bit worried but also pretty fatalistic. I asked her to consider giving Corrie the opportunity to clear with the people there. Click! Another piece of me fell into place! I was not only talking about her but also myself! I too am capable. highlighted her patterns and eventually moved and went to the kitchen to have a smoke and try and calm down. not wanting to come in. She kept trying to get past me determined not to stay and have “her space invaded” with people whom she didn’t want to be around. “Yes” I replied. Aai will that woman never learn! Everyone went upstairs to the kitchen to get eats and coffee. I sent off for another angel card and the way there… I received: Signals: Have you asked for a sign lately? Pay careful attention as the Angels communicate through universal signs As I got to the boom gate that evening Corrie was behind me with other people in her car. Danelle was in the kitchen standing to one side. what she wanted to. Corrie in the corridor. I put my food down walked across and handed her the cigarette box with the promise on and asked her to just remember when she called anyone something she was actually just talking about herself. When I got back Danelle told me Corrie had sworn at her as she’d walked past. I left to go weigh and measure someone that’s was doing the diet with me. She immediately raised her voice and started getting aggressive so I moved her in through the door of the dining room behind her. “Is she coming?” she asked. greeted me and hugged me. Before she got to me Danelle had phoned from the boom gate to ask what number the house was. Page 29 . should do for me and do these things for others. she parked at the side. They were going to have to sort it out for themselves if they wanted to be there or not and how they would handle being there together. I must be lovable after all! I left there after clearing with her how I felt about what was or wasn’t going to happen that evening at the follow up.She really has been an angel at times when I’ve certainly not deserved it. What was going to happen was going to happen I had no control over it and wanted no part in whatever did happen as far as the two of them was concerned. closed it behind us so we could talk. and not be there herself if she was so sick she had to spend the day in bed. I parked in front. Corrie came around the corner. making loud comments.
People had started moving through to the lounge to start the meeting. The facilitator stood rubbing my back allowing me time to calm myself. Why of why did I care so much! Why could I not just let her go off and destroy herself if that’s what she wanted, what was I getting out of all of this?! While we were standing there upstairs on the balcony she was downstairs joking and laughing loudly with friends. Like there was nothing wrong…. What a façade she has! Everyone was invited to share what they had experienced on and after the workshop, assistants included. I was about the third person to speak. I started telling them how I’d seen the confusion in their faces when I’d written down what my purpose was. I then explained just what a challenge I had found it to be in my life since getting to that point over two years ago. Needless to say by this time I was emotional and already crying! I told them how I’d experienced the workshop, being in such a loving relationship and space both inside the room and out. I didn’t mention any names. I told them how I’d gone into the relationship and ignored what my gut feelings were telling me. How in the week my gut feelings had been proven right. How someone else who was very dear to me was there to support me. That she in turn was prepared to do anything to be there for me even at her own expense. That I’d come to realize that I turn, was doing to her what was being done to me. I also told them that I realized by being pushed and pulled between the two I was the one stuck in the middle, not happy, keeping others happy. I was asked once again if I wanted to see if I could get to my real purpose. Click! Click! Click. All these pieces of me just kept falling into place. I knew what my purpose was. My lifelong search was over… I’m keeping that to the end…. While I’d been speaking Corrie was crying, rocking herself back and forth, banging her head against the wall the whole time. Danelle’s jaw had dropped. She had never in all the time we’d been together seen me so emotional. Corrie was ashamed. Danelle was proud. Either way it didn’t matter, they had their own journeys, I was on mine. The rest of the evening went by with others sharing their experiences, and the assistants making comments where we thought they’d help the people in their way forward. After one woman had said about how much time she’d spent gambling and how she used to lie to herself about why she was going out I shared my own experience with gambling and the reasons I’d found myself with the problem. At another when someone was talking about their past and not always having recollection of things I told them about the photo’s I’d been given by my mother and the conversations we’d had as a family. How Danelle had been mentioning the previous week about going to her sister to try and find out about her past. I’d had no interest in mine, I had made peace with my past already. Instead of Danelle getting her past given to her, I’d actually been handed pieces of mine! We all get what we are meant to get at the time we are supposed to get it. (Another lesson for me!) Danelle chose not share anything. Corrie refused saying she didn’t feel safe.
I asked Danelle if she’d go and have some coffee and after she’d left left the room I asked Corrie if she felt safe enough yet or if I should also leave. She still chose not to share. I was disappointed, really wanting Corrie to get off her chest what she needed to, my lesson here again, she is on her own journey! It doesn’t matter what I want her to do, she will do what she wants and get what she needs when the time is right, not when I want it to happen. Oh well her loss of opportunity. One thing though at least she’d turned up that evening, and she hadn’t run after our confront in the corridor. Maybe just maybe her eyes had opened. Once the formal meeting had broken up I had a cigarette first and some coffee. I was restless and didn’t want to align myself to either of them. I must’ve gone up and down the stairs at least three times. At one stage Corrie was in the kitchen and I asked if she’d like to look at the photo’s I’d gotten from my mom. I showed them too her explaining the story of my near drowning. People were leaving already and we got interrupted just as I’d finished showing them to her. Reshuffle of people to talk to, say goodbye to. I eventually decided it was time for me to go home. I sent a message to Corrie saying I wasn’t sure if I should congratulate her, say “ag shame” or good luck but that she had my number if she wanted to use it. I greeted everyone. Corrie had already left. Danelle looked surprised that I would leave her there but I said goodbye anyway. Not even asking her to let me know if she’s home safe like I always did. On my way out, Stephanie ran out asking me to wait. She gave me a huge hug and told me I was fabulous! Thank you universe I needed to hear that because I certainly didn’t feel it. I left for home alone, emotional and already starting to cry. By the time I got there it was like the flood gates had opened!! I knew what I wanted, I’d even written it down. Would it ever happen? I knew my purpose in life but right there and then I didn’t know my direction. On arriving home I sent out one last message: “I really want someone there for me right now just to help me believe I will be ok no matter what”. I didn’t know if she’d get it or not but decided if I parked my car in such a way she could fit hers in the driveway, maybe just maybe there was a chance…. I got in, locked up and just sat on the couch rocking and sobbing. I got an sms from Corrie in reply to my earlier one saying I’d made my choice with what I’d had to say about Danelle earlier. Heavens this woman’s hearing was selective!! I phoned her but was crying so hard she couldn’t hear what I was saying. All she kept saying was “Hang in there Gogga, I’m coming, I’m on my way, Hold on!” She came!!! For the first time in three and a half years she was there for me when I needed her! It took a long while for me to calm down and for my tears to dry up. There was a storm outside at the height of my crying which I was very grateful for, least the neighbours think something was seriously wrong! The Heavens were crying with me! Later I was talking to Corrie about the photo’s I’d shown her. A major part of my life clicked into place!! For most of my life I’d been on a search for love. Either from what I’d been told as a child or from having formed my own ideas of the
family setup, I’d always felt unloved. I’d always felt I was the third daughter, one too many. My father had not loved me because of this. These thoughts and ideas have been spoken off as an adult in the family on numerous occasions. It had come out in my writing, it had come out in my workshop homework book not once, about three times! With all the events taking place it suddenly fell into place from one photograph and one story. My father HAD loved me! I sent an sms to my mother thanking her for giving me the last piece of my puzzle. I owed my father three major debts: 1. He gave me life 2. He gave me the most wonderful precious woman possible to be my mother, and 3. HE HAD LOVED AND WANTED ME! Enough so that he’d saved my life when I was only two years old and not willing or prepared to fight for my life when I’d fallen into that water! I had been battling to sleep for a while, that night I fell into a peaceful sleep, exhausted from all the emotions. The next day I had no inclination to get out of bed whatsoever! I knew I should get up and go about what I needed to for business, but then again I’d worked some long hours doing just that in the last few weeks. I chose to give myself the day off. I sent for a tarot card and another angel card. I got: 10 of Cups: First there is joy. Joy goes beyond happiness, contentment, enjoyment. Good fortune awaits you. Be ready to receive it. Peace: Your Angel is offering you peace. Take some time out of your busy schedule and seek the inner peace that exists in your very essence. Wow was my universe speaking to me or what!! Since then I can feel a calm and gentleness has come over me. I’m finally at peace with myself and where I am in my life. I have learnt so many valuable lessons over the last two years and they’ve just all clicked into place in the last week or two. I know the mood won’t last forever, I know there will be times ahead where I will lose control of a piece of the puzzle that is me, that even though I’ve dealt with anger, under extreme circumstances it can very easily arise again. I’ve learnt, that I need to live in the now, right this moment. Not in the future, not in the past, both of those can make me fearful, can take away from any good I may be experiencing in the moment of now. I’ve been bitten by an urge to write! Write about me, my experiences. There are, as I said in the beginning many pieces of me, some written and hard to find, out there in cyber space somewhere. I’m going to find them. I have a huge memory box filled with cards, letter, special times shared with people either still in my live or gone forever. I want to find them, make sense of them, put them all together. I stopped writing yesterday to share the lost piece of me, my lost baby. There are others I have on disk. So many pieces that make up the whole person. Me!
leaving me here at her home to complete what I started on Wednesday. it is too full of what if’s that I have no control over. Friday: Saturday: Poem: Once in a lifetime we may find.The now since I started writing this: Wednesday: Thursday: Corrie going with me to GA and staying over – we are not in a relationship but she’s here. I no longer need to seek love I AM LOVE Page 33 . nothing will ever fix it. I can forgive even if I don’t forget. and in our souls it will forever shine. My lifelong search for the one thing I’ve always wanted is finally over. Going with her to Anthony in the late afternoon so she could speak to him about her issues. beautiful & divine. It’s innocent & sweet. living in the now .what has gone down between Corrie and I has happened. Her sleeping on the couch while I wrote some of this Corrie coming round with supper and then going back to her place with her spending the evening there Corrie going about her business then coming back. I cannot see into the future. For me. I know now though. whether she is in my life or not I am ok. I am whole. a love so pure and one of a kind.
I can remember once playing with friends in the garage at Wolvekrans. my two older sisters were close. always got into the “A” class. Even the one and only time my mom left. two parents and a grandmother. The woman made me a few new outfits and took me shopping for shoes. Some else in the family was always more important. They thought I was great and sometimes asked if they could have me visit for a weekend. The dog house was my sanctuary over the next few days. she was told in no uncertain terms to go away. when I was around 9 or 10. I again feel that lost lonely child. My friend ran to get her mom. It’s my safe place. took part in choir and concerts. I limped home only to find my mom was in town shopping. so lost and alone. I did my best in school. tried out for sports. and even when my mom’s friend eventually came round to see if she could get him to take me to a doctor. crushing my toes that were peeping out of my sandal. that a child could get lonely. did the family washing.The Lonely Child One wouldn’t think that growing up in a family of five children. My lesson out of that was even if I’m hurt it’s not important Page 34 . or needed more attention. who tried taking my shoe off. most of the time. I jumped in. excluded. ran. neither here or there. if I can’t see you. did my best to make sure my father and the rest of the kids were ok. what I did was seen as just what I do and nothing special. I can’t remember who they were though or where they disappeared to. When I pull the covers tightly over my head. Over time and a few moves later. acceptance and love. I can remember many times feeling so left out. curl up in a little ball. When I tried to wake him up I got shouted and screamed at. the dog house fell apart and my bed replaced it. crying. I was trying to impress them with how strong I was. not there. you name it and yet I never felt recognized. or at least that’s what it felt like. insignificant. and yet when my mom came back it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. Over the years I can clearly remember times that I tried so hard to get approval. wishing I knew where I fit in. I can remember feeling so loved and special by that couple. and the two younger ones stuck together. you can’t see me. Unfortunately though it unhooked and I hadn’t realized it! When I let go of the weight instead of going back to hang at the side of the door it fell straight down onto my foot. and lifted the weights at the side of the garage door just to show off. I withdraw from the world. and I was piggy in the middle. I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. swam. We had a wooden dog house that belonged to Satch our Labrador in the back garden. almost like an ostrich. he’d never used it. she’d gone on the bus and my dad was sleeping. played netball. My friend’s family eventually took me through to Witbank and left me at the doctor’s room while they went out to find my mom. At one stage in my life there was a couple in Witbank that really took a shine to me for some reason or other. nothing and no one can touch me there. I screamed. my place to take care of that wounded little girl. It’s there that I used to go for comfort. petrified my toes were going to fall off as I could see something was crushed. but truth is I was. I did. I can remember many times sitting in that small enclosed space.
where I can feel loved and special I’ve tended towards partners that have been needy or have problems. he was dead and already buried and I was going home to a husband who didn’t love me or want me. There’s still however a little girl inside of me. not taking care of myself. do what you can to sort it out but don’t make it someone else’s problem. walking away from the place I’d given birth to my child and yet knowing that he wasn’t there anymore. carried her into seeing what and how she could be the person she was supposed to be. One common theme was when that person didn’t get that support anymore. That together we faced things. One Saturday with her family she did not even want to give me a peck on the cheek which made me feel not good enough and lost. There’s been many times over the years that I’ve never felt good enough or loved. whatever you want to call it. I just craved to be acknowledged for being there. but yes. equal. friend. at the same time it left me drained. and yet I always had a purpose. I was so proud of how she’d handled things. Because of this and also because of my yearning to still find a place where I fit in. who knows. my fears. Someone at last needed me and wanted me around. When we got back together I felt for the first time that I was in a partnership that will succeed. talked. I’d had some time to sort out a lot of my stuff. After I’d lost my baby it was my brother who walked out of the hospital with me and saw I needed a hug. acknowledged. lover. Not really because they’d asked for me but because I was their mother and had to provide for them. or they didn’t need that support. After I left him. that’s when they left. for giving the kind of support I’d never received or felt or maybe allowed. there were times when I had to make choices that I knew would affect not only my life but theirs as well and they were choices I had to make alone. wanted and needed. especially after doing the second workshop like I had done. ignored or discarded me. times were never easy for me. Even so. It’s not that I want to be thanked. One relationship I made a point and succeeded to be there for her in a way that I’d never been there for anyone else before. I didn’t have anyone other than my mother to talk to about anything that was really important. I guess I’ve always been sensitive to others and how they feel because I’ve been through a lot over the years in one form or another. that she was as supportive to me as I am to her. how much of a failure. she was at the beginning. how lost. or even just be there for me when I’ve needed someone to talk to. It was wonderful to see how she blossomed. always putting someone else’s interest ahead of my own. as a partner. As an adult I can and do understand it wasn’t Page 35 . Someone to share my ups and downs. special. one that wants to know it’s loved. or for someone to feel eternally grateful. my joy. bullied. and yes even though I had my mother what I wouldn’t have given to have someone there for me. It’s helped me feel special. no matter how big or small. my husband was too busy chatting away to my mother to notice how devastated I was feeling. Instead of trying to do things for her. Times I’ve so wanted to rely on someone to just take over. I supported.enough to disturb others with my pain.
lost. She was angry when I said this to her. In her mind I didn’t exist only she did. telling me to talk. acknowledged and made to feel special just because she is! It was great that she’d had the support of her group. my lonely child. it just felt like I didn’t / don’t / wouldn’t ever have a place in her life if she couldn’t even acknowledge the fact that I was with her as her support / partner / lover. I’m that little girl in the doghouse. It doesn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to and couldn’t take away any of the credit for what she’d done for herself. The same applied to another night. crying. by people who cared about her… she didn’t seem to remember just over a month before when I gave her R300 just to get herself some new clothes when her work was telling her she couldn’t wear jeans. that she was given money for her new wardrobe. alone and hurting like mad! Page 36 . When I’m in that space. where she’s loved. The child in me however doesn’t understand reason.anything to do with me as a person. how it doesn’t work when I cut her out when I’m upset. denied her being allowed to love and hold me. it was her and the way she dealt with her family. At least that’s what it felt like to me. my little girl who even at 40 odd is still looking for that place where she fits in. it just hurts.
or merely finding fault because I didn’t like her behaviour. With both of the Seminars / Workshops I’ve been involved with so far one of the main teachings of them has been Integrity. because if enough people told her. I asked him the next day to please talk to her about what he was seeing and experiencing. and how as an assistant on these workshops people were seeing what she was doing and questioning it. identifying with a number of life experience he’d had. He was someone I could talk to if I was experiencing problems with life in general and we had many interesting discussions. In the months I got to know him I found him to be very human. not always taking the advice but open to new ideas. I was experiencing difficulty in getting certain concepts of integrity across to Corrie. regarding her behaviour (false happiness. This weekend I experience how the second set of workshop’s founder or facilitator’s ego gets in the way of his integrity and from learning valuable lessons! Lessons he freely gives others and yet is unwilling to look at himself. or what you say. I went around to the founder’s house after the weekend and whilst there also had a discussion with him about Corrie. people had also discussed the founder of the workshops and how he’s seen to play with women’s emotions and questions were raised as to his integrity on certain things. she saw this as me trying to control her. it creates dis ease… put together disease! In Pieces of Me I wrote about the first set of workshops and what I’d learnt and how I’d found them to have a lack of integrity regarding the motives they profess to have. After a weekend away with some of the other people that had done the workshops. masking her true feelings etc). if not directly to her then to others and at times to me. do and think must be one and the same. one person told me what had occurred while I wasn’t around. Coming from her partner. He was also very open to suggestions on how to improve the workshops or the way things were done. Both during that weekend and at other times. When one is not in integrity with oneself. The explanation has been to be totally integrated with oneself. He’d asked me not to discuss it with her though. This sat very uncomfortable with me as now I had a “secret”. and what they say they will do by the next seminar and not finding it done by them. He was also very generous. she may see that I’m not just “picking” on her but what I was telling her was in fact being seen by others. He had offered to get all those that had Page 37 .A Question of Integrity Note: **** are used for the Seminar name and the founder / facilitator’s name. offering me the use of his internet and computer in a time I needed it and didn’t have money to go to an internet cafè to do what I needed to.
I had however put her in contact with others that could help and support her with the problems and I’d made it clear I could not be there for her in that capacity.said the same thing to him together and to have a confrontation with her. even if I do still care. firstly. but rather by calling her Beautiful. She was ready to accept that the reason I have so many people around me is because I’m a loving. we played a game with two of the people we’d been away with for the weekend and it became very clear that Corrie’s problems lay on an emotional level. I pointed out that if he were to do that. told her what they saw in her and how they thought she could grow as a person by working on some of her behaviour. she had a few things she could take him out for. She was there from around 10am and called me at 3. caring person and that by trying to force me to put a photo away or not be there for someone would also cause me to withdraw from her. Both of the people playing. which she is. at the end of the day. that I’d agreed with my ex to not have contact with her. She didn’t want that! She’d also heard all he had to say about her behaviour and the masks she’d hidden behind and had made a conscious decision not to do it anymore. contacted her to get her together with someone else who had similar problems. but why was he calling her that? Corrie had also been experiencing difficulties that week accepting the fact that I had a picture of my ex girlfriend up on my fridge and she had been insisting I take it down. when she needed support on an issue. There were also issues he had not cleared with her that he had to speak to her about. to give her time to get over me. This was discussed in front of his son and his girlfriend. a public holiday. I was also uncomfortable with the fact that he didn’t refer to her by her name. The meeting she’d had with him was considered a friendly supper and not a mini workshop as he’d told me. does not mean I’m in love with my ex. In my opinion she would have discussed this only if there had been an understanding of confidentiality. On Friday with Corrie’s permission I went for a clearing with my ex girlfriend who wanted to say certain things to me. There were a few other issues regarding my ex. On Thursday. He’d also invited her to a braai at his house that he was having the weekend we were away (a fact Page 38 .30pm to go and join them. On Wednesday. I refused. firstly because I don’t want to be controlled and told what to do and secondly because emotions are what she needed to deal with and a photo. also she’d sms’d me on Tuesday. When I got there it became apparent that whatever had been said throughout the day had made a huge impact on her. Whilst there once again things came out as to the founder’s lack of integrity and what he’s teaching and what he’s doing are not always the same. and secondly with her history of running away from situations it would not be a good thing to do as she would just get upset and run. He also raised things that were discussed between him and my ex girlfriend and a supposed mini workshop he’d had with her and some of the things that came out of that. She’d left there with a distinct feeling that she’d said too much. the founder asked Corrie to go and see him. I had however.
getting angry. we were merely there to point out inconsistencies we’d seen and that we hoped he would also be able to grow and learn from what we were telling him. Towards the end of the meal (he’d pleaded not being hungry!). he was as human as the next. also capable of making mistakes and having room for growth. We even went back to his house and had two cups of coffee there to make sure he was alright before leaving. What an interesting evening! It was like looking at Corrie all over again. just by not following up on the money people promised to pay he was allowing a lack of integrity to filter through. like his telling me about the discussion he’d had with my ex. to those that did… Thank you for caring enough to tell me the truth. As the general consensus of forum people is my apparent lack of integrity. he’d also omitted to tell us that. ****** I sent one back: Page 39 .he kept a secret from me). Rgds. I brought up specific situations that I’d seen or experienced. How he’d told my ex about an incident with Corrie that he’d had no right to discuss with her and how his version to her had significantly differed from what had actually happened. For the most part though. leaving the country. We discussed options and chose to ask the founder to join us for supper so we could discuss things that were being said and what we’d observed. you name it! We raised issues like his being seen playing with women’s emotions. Once home I told Corrie what had happened and what had been said. *** ***** SA is officially & with immediate effect on hold. that once we were gone he may revert to his primary behaviour. While there he had also asked her to assist on the next workshop which he knew would upset Corrie. had knee jerk reactions like giving up on the workshops. or from private and confidential discussions. How people were afraid or hesitant to discuss things with him because of the position of power he is seen to have. As it was I was right! Within half an hour of getting home sms’s started to fly: Hi guys. he seemed to accept that we were in fact not there to close him down or tell him he was “bad”. How I knew certain things about people that had attended the seminars that he’d had no right to discuss with me. He even offered to help me put together a workshop to teach women how to accept themselves and their bodies / sexuality. That at the end of the day. How. his lack of integrity as far as disclosing information received either from forms filled in by the delegates of the workshops. I’m shutting up shop & going home where my efforts do fall on fertile ground. a bruised ego. which everyone assisting PROMISES not to do. Other things also came up that disturbed me. or from the workshops themselves. counter accusations. He tried sidetracking us. I voiced my concern to Corrie as we left.
the colluding behind our backs that must have gone on this weekend after our chat with him. I asked her to find out from him. One of the sms’s he sent out to someone else: Corrie and Laurinda already told me what “people” have to say about me and my efforts so I’m packing up *** ***** today and I’m flying to the States tomorrow at 7. PLEASE NOTE WHOM HE CHOSE TO DISASSOCIATE WITH! THE TWO THAT WERE PREPARED TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH! Integrity!! The grandstanding. he said he couldn’t speak to me as he was driving and he’d call me back. The one time I did get through to him. Who then had he approached??!! Why if integrity is preached. looking at oneself etc. Either way he chooses no part of the deceit and chooses to disassociate with all parties until he does know. my girlfriend’s and my ex’s names. Yeah right! This morning both Corrie and I received the following sms: Hi Laurinda and Corrie. listening to your universe. I tried to call him a few times over the course of Saturday and left voice messages for him. His girlfriend sms’d me to find out what was happening. and that either they were lying or I was.My opinion you are behaving like an asshole with that sms. She called again the next morning. thank you for your interest in *** *****. learning new ways. I assured her that the only information I had about their relationship was what he’d told me himself! I gave her a rundown on what had happened. Apparently he has approached all the people we said were involved… I for one know that the only names I had mentioned were my own. Stop going into effect and take it where it came from LOVE. She’d gone around and he’d been ranting and raving. saying that we’d said we knew all sorts about their relationship. I was then told to pity people who lie… He had phoned all parties and they all denied what we’d said. is he so unwilling to do so? Ego? Stupidity? Belief he’s above being human and is free of fault? Am I sorry I went to him and told him my truth? No. Truth hurts hey. Pity people who WON’T LEARN. At the end of the day I am in Page 40 . In the same set of circumstances I would do it exactly the same. ****** My response: Hahaha ***** you are a joke! For all Corrie’s issues she is at least big enough to look at herself and grow. other than pointing out what he’d told me about other people. had even dragged her into it. We no longer require your assistance and with you well in your future endeavours.
just disappointed in someone I had started to look up to. I’m sure he has a wonderful “tale” of persecution and lies to tell. but will instead remain as he is… a great loss to mankind as he has a lot he could teach. Whether today. who knows. someone. What was told to the others. Am I angry? No. Page 41 . One day he may be wise enough to actually listen. somewhere is going to have the guts and belief in their integrity to challenge his again. someone who if he would open his eyes could have used the opportunity given him to learn and grow.integrity with myself and that is more important to me than being “nice” to someone who clearly cannot practice what he preaches. Others have been ostracized before. more will in future… some people just have no integrity and won’t allow anyone to question them…. tomorrow or ten years from now.
My second eldest sister had completed matric by then and left home. guys who swore and generally were unruly. he didn’t like the idea of guys coming to date his daughters.The Lost One – A Mother’s Love Dedicated to Kevin Wernars still born on 8th January 1981 and Aimee-Kate Lattimer 15 December 2004 – 25 March 2005 I was 16 years old when I first saw Theo at the movie house in Kriel… He stood across the room. so handsome so sophisticated. gorgeous! He had an air of worldliness about him that you don’t often see on the platteland. or the British blokes. beer drinkers. Needless to say I was head over heels in love with him in no time! He used to pick me up from school in Witbank every Friday and I’d feel ever so important having such a great looking guy waiting for me outside the gate. Page 42 . We usually got Kentucky hamburgers on the way home… I didn’t like Kentucky food and still haven’t developed a taste for it since but he could have fed me anything I was so smitten with him. over 6 foot tall. I was used to either Afrikaans guys. I do know if my father had not died when he had Theo and I would not have gone out for very long as my father was extremely strict! We had curfews. good mannered. working with his father and living in the family home having recently come up from Durban. He and I met just before my father died. shy for the most part but often up to mischief if no one was around to catch them. There were still four of us in school at that time and after my father’s death there were many turbulent months ahead moving from one house to another. healthy look about him. Theo’s father organised a job for my mother who had never worked in her life before and was suddenly left with four teenage children to support. In those days a single woman was not allowed to have a house on Kriel regardless of who she was working for. square jaw. Oh what a thrill it was! He was 24 years old. My eldest sister had fallen pregnant when she was 16 and my father had vowed to kill the next daughter and her boyfriend if she fell pregnant. I didn’t realise that at the time though. I think about a month at the most. Our eyes caught each other across the room and somehow I knew this was the man for me! I’m writing this over 25 years later and I can say in all honesty I’ve never met another man that I wanted children I with. blond. We eventually settled in the caravan park in two caravans. I just knew there was something about him… I had to get to get to know him! It turned out he was dating a friend of mine but after that sighting of each other it wasn’t long before he’d broken things off with her and the two of us were dating. at least not in the part I came from. my mom and my brother in one and my youngest sister and I in the other. He had such a clean. If you knew my father you’d know it wasn’t a threat we took lightly.
Always trying to impress and outdo. skipping like the child I was back down the road so happy.The romance with Theo was strong and it wasn’t long before we became sexually active. My pregnancy was confirmed! I was going to be a mother! I’d told my mother I was going as I had suspicions. She’d written to tell him he mustn’t pine for her. an afternoon all on my own to go and have a test done. It was only after the birth of my third baby that he told me he was still angry with me for having written to her as he’d hoped they’d get back together! In the meantime though I’d gotten the idea into my head that if something were to happen and I fell pregnant he’d be more than happy to make me his wife. He received a letter from his exfiancée in Durban. he must move on with his life etc etc. What a cheek I thought!! He was afterall more than happy with me! We were a couple! I’ve always had an extremely good memory so when he showed me the letter I memorised the address and sent her one back from me telling her she needn’t worry (sarcastic!) he was quite ok and happily involved with me and best she move on with her life! He made a big fuss of taking all the things she’d written him and going to the veld to burn them all. a baby all of my own to love… what more could I want! My body is extremely sensitive to changes and I knew even before I’d missed my first period that I might be pregnant. ecstatic. By then we’d been divorced for at least 5 years and we’d been stuck together in a room all on our own at the child maintenance court and told to come to a settlement. In my eyes he could do nothing wrong. We were there for over three hours and ended up discussing a lot of things. Boy was I naïve! There was one incident that stood out for me. I never knew and still don’t what was in those letters. not very emotional. settled down. I knew then and even more so now that what I’d done was wrong… but in my 17 year old mind it was the answer to my quest for love!! A loving husband. There were certain character traits I picked up or that were pointed out but I chose to ignore. I loved him though and he told me he loved me too. I’d found the perfect man and even though I was young my maternal instincts had really kicked in strongly. I so badly wanted to leave home. I did eventually about 10 years later confess the truth to him that I’d actually fallen pregnant on purpose. the usual teenage stuff but being a teenager in my mind they were exaggerated. I hadn’t said anything to Theo yet though and I couldn’t wait for him to get to me that night! I couldn’t wait for the moment he’d take me in his arms tell me he loves me and wants to Page 43 . better etc. All I wanted was to marry him. such as being physically distant when out with people. I was in my matric year and there were a lot of arguments with my mother. I was on the pill but didn’t take a few here and there in the hopes I would fall pregnant. We could live happily ever after and no one could tell me what to do ever again. My husband would love me and our babies and no troubles would come our way. I remember the sheer excitement walking out of there. not telling him or giving him a choice in the matter. have babies and love them. always telling other people how things he had or knew were bigger. I was so young and in love. I remember the trip to the doctor.
I’m pregnant. Theo was supposed to come around tonight and discuss what we’d do and he hasn’t bothered to come!” The poor man didn’t know what to say. not to abort the precious life growing inside of me! I cannot even start to describe how devastated I was. unloved. so now was the time it would be happening. “Theo. When I spoke to him he was cold as ice. His younger brother who was the same age as me opened the door and you could see the shock and surprise written on his face. I was livid! His parents lived about 2 km’s from the caravan park. Lawrence’s eyes went even bigger but he went to fetch his father. unwanted. 17 years old. pregnant and rejected! Now though it wasn’t only me. My mother. “Mr Wernars. outside the caravan where we usually sat to have some privacy. What!!?? How could he say that! He loved me! He was supposed to ask me to marry him. to hold. something of my very own that no one could take away from me. I’m pregnant. it was also the small spark of life growing inside of me that was rejected. I’m going to have a baby!” For a moment he looked stunned! Then he opened his mouth and my world fell apart “You’ll have to have an abortion”. Those words had cut through me like a knife! I can’t fully recall what happened or was said next. Not one to be deterred or cast aside like an old rag I marched off to his parents house to see where he was and why he’d not turned up. He agreed to come around and discuss how we would handle things when the baby was born. friends of hers were prepared to pay for me to go overseas and have a safe abortion. ever the practical and caring person she is did broach the subject with me. all I remember is he left shortly after and I was left alone.marry me! We had discussed once what would happen if I fell pregnant and he told me then that he’d love to have children. I looked over at him my heart full of joy and happiness. to raise. By this time I didn’t give a damn and asked to speak to his father instead. a young scrap of a girl standing on his doorstep angry Page 44 . My child that I just wanted to love. I would under no circumstances even consider such a thing! After that she only spoke aloud to wonder how we would fit a cot into the caravan… I cried and cried until I got angry! How dare he just reject me! How dare he not care! After all the love he’d professed to have. giving me options. he admitted he’d not said anything to his parents yet and asked me not to until he found the right time. as in those days it was illegal in South Africa and the ones that were done went with major risks. He was an old man already but having raised 6 children in a strict Dutch tradition his children were scared of him. he obviously knew and hadn’t expected me to have the audacity to turn up on their doorstep. I asked for Theo only to be told he was out. We sat in his car. He did not pitch for the meeting.
Next thing I remember is Theo coming back. something I’d never expected. I realise now he father must have told him he’d have to do the right thing by me. the way I’d stormed out and moved out of the home I can’t blame her today but she turned around and said no. Once pregnant you obviously weren’t considered to require an education. NO! What??!! I’d come this far in getting my dream and now she was standing in my way. I enquired about writing my matric exams as I’d already paid the fees etc but was told it wouldn’t be allowed with being pregnant. In the meantime the fights and disagreements between my mother and I were coming to a head. I was over the moon. That must’ve been painful with those curlers in! Theo and I went ahead with the plans anyway hoping against hope she’d back down before the time. Afterall I was his girlfriend. us back in a relationship and discussing getting married. She agreed a week or so before the time to sign. He did his best to pacify me. I was angry and frustrated and ended up bonking her on the head with my closed fist as I marched out. His nickname was “The Pig” and most of the kids were scared of him. We went to the caravan park together to ask her if she would sign the documents so we could marry. you name it I wasn’t a happy camper. curlers in her hair. Mr Lombard wasn’t so worried about the fact that I was pregnant as much as would I be ok. I found out the next year that if I hadn’t gotten married I would’ve been able to return to school. Did I have someone supporting me. He was so kind and gentle. I was scared someone would trip me up or accidentally bump me too hard and I didn’t want to take the chance of losing the baby I was carrying. watching TV. It got so bad I ended up moving a week or two later to a couple that were friends of Theo. etc. Page 45 . Given the stress she was under. not even if I wrote the exams at a police station. my youngest sister was put before me. I chose to forget his initial reaction. I remember her sitting there quite calmly. there might’ve been a possibility of my pregnancy not showing before the exams were due. I’d rather leave and not complete the year. I left school in the July / August holiday after having a chat with the vice principal at the time a Mr Lombard. It was the right thing to do. I was misunderstood. In actual fact even at 6 months pregnant I hardly had a bump! There was something driving me though to not continue school. it was not allowed at the time. He’d told me he loved me and I was going to have a baby. I didn’t bother to think about it then! I finally had what I wanted.enough to move mountains. someone else did that the year after me. my dream was once again back on track. I had to wash the pots she’d not bothered to do the day before. I didn’t give a thought to what he wanted. then gave me a lift home and told me not to worry he’d sort it out with Theo. We made arrangements to get married in the magistrate’s court but had to have my mother’s permission because of my age. Dave and Sue. but because I had married that was the end of my education as far as the authorities were concerned. As it turned out we ended up having the most wonderful conversation! He first asked if I was sure I wanted to leave.
He could’ve given a much bigger fine but had taken pity on me. If we went out together we had to go to the “Family Lounge” at the club as I was too young to go into the main bar areas. A routine was soon formed. The day of the wedding arrived and I was nervous as heck. he’d be up and off to work early. I got a cat and that got all the affection I was unable to lavish on my husband. I’d gone the back roads just in case there were speed cops around. I wore a navy blue dress with a white trim. A small reception was held at the bowls club. but I was lonely and unloved. working all hours he could. wouldn’t come close to me physically at all. was it ok? I’d once had my fortune told and the person had said there was a possibility that I may lose one child. I remember how scared I was to show Theo and ask him if he could pay it. He’d get home and expect a cooked meal every night though and before sitting down to supper he’d do an inspection of the house to see what I’d done for the day. running his fingers over surfaces to make sure they were cleaned properly. Forget about it. He bought me cookery books each week but every time I cooked something new he criticized what I’d done. Theo had lent me his car but I was too young to have a driver’s licence. Our wedding night. He did not like me to show any displays of affection in public. his mother was a better cook. As it was I had no money having just left school. I couldn’t handle the smell of meat cooking I just wanted to hurl! I used to start the meat. I spent a lot of time over at the caravan park visiting my family. baby was still moving. and run in and out of the kitchen just to turn it over then run back out so I wouldn’t puke. Page 46 . I was married. white blazer and white shoes. Was this just playing on my mind? Why was I always concerned? All seemed ok though. My brother gave me away. once he saw what I beautiful baby I’d given him he would love me. appreciate me and accept me. I remember little of the service other than that I know I didn’t promise the usual things as done in a wedding ceremony but who cared I was now his wife. I got by on lettuce leaves and other vegetables. stayed out as much as possible. attended mainly by family and a few close friends. On my way back there they were on the back roads! I was pulled over and given a R100 fine for being underage and not wearing a seatbelt. I went and bathed. We’d gotten a bed and a few cheap pieces of furniture to furnish our home and we moved in the day we got married. made up the bed. basically he shut me out. They were as far from reality as I could’ve gotten! We got home.We were assigned a small prefab house to live in and I went and cleaned the place from top to toe one day. One afternoon on the way back from my family I tripped and fell. put on a sexy nighty etc and by the time I got back to the room he’d fallen asleep. I had always had a romantic vision in my head of what that night would be like as well as the months after. Panic stations! Had I hurt my baby. anything other than meat. Where was the love!!?? Where was the caring and sharing I’d dreamt of? Once the baby’s born things will change… that’s what I told myself. Give him steak eggs and chips and he was happy.
trying to console me I’m sure he said it was normal for babies to be quieter closer towards the end of the pregnancy and likely it was just resting. told him when I felt movement etc but he never came close or held and loved me as I’d dreamt a husband should. Nights where he’s start touching and feeling me in his sleep. My brother came over to visit one day and he showed more interest in my growing tummy. he chose Kevin. maybe if I was slim again he might want me. He picked up his mother first so she could do some shopping and then came to get me. Early January of ’81 for the first time in months we ended up making love. The next day I phoned and made an appointment with my doctor.A friend I had at the time Linda had had a little boy and hadn’t gotten married. She was living at home and they were running out of space. By the end of the first day I knew there was something wrong but the doctor had said all would be ok. If not at least I’d have my baby to hold and love. Nothing was moving inside. than my husband had to date! He felt an elbow push right out and move from one side of my stomach to the other. I did. There was very little discussion on the way through. I went back and he wrote a letter for me to see a specialist in Bethal. He’d then just stop and turn his back on me. He wasn’t interested in much about the baby. A month after giving me the things she was killed in a motorbike accident. He was thrilled! Throughout the time we’d been married we made love maybe twice or three times at most. I phoned Theo and told him he’d have to take me through. She never got that chance. He was not impressed at having to leave work. I slept late in the day time and then couldn’t sleep at night. no input from Theo. I knitted and learnt how to crochet. only to open his eyes and see it was me. I sweated all through December in the heat in the prefab house. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. I let him choose what names we would use hoping that would make him more interested. She gave all her baby clothes and decorations to me on the proviso she help me decorate the nursery. I Page 47 . having sex should not have harmed my baby at all and sent me home to get some bed rest. I ended up doing the nursery on my own. I was bleeding! My baby was still moving though so I quietly just got back into bed as Theo was already asleep. I kept him informed of the doctor’s visits. I spent the next two days lying around. I was restless. It was embarrassing to tell him what had happened but I felt he needed to know. I was so desperate to feel loved and wanted! I couldn’t wait for the birth of my baby. anything to keep myself busy. He wouldn’t go as far as choosing a girl’s name because as far as he was concerned his family only had boys! What if the one I was carrying wasn’t a boy! Would he reject my baby as he had me? My baby was due to be born around 22nd February ’81. I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do as my tummy was so big and in the way but I was being loved! It hadn’t happened in so long! It was a bit uncomfortable but I didn’t want to complain. He told me he was sure it was nothing. It was hot and uncomfortable especially when I was cooking. Afterwards I went to the bathroom.
they smeared the gel on and the doctor proceeded to look on the screen. They hooked me up on a drip then Theo left to take his mother back through to Kriel. The nurses would come in every now and then to see how I was doing. He arrived back later with my mother and a few of his friends in tow. She turned around to me and said “Ja you see it’s because you smoke the baby is dead”. I couldn’t feel. having a discussion with Theo on how ultra sound worked. wishing. in the dark. “It looks like something is wrong…” I started sobbing. but I wanted the father of my baby! I did my best to put a smile on my face and pretend I was strong.kept wanting. in pain and grieving.. Please God not my baby! It was our turn to go in for a sonar. They left after visiting hours and I was all alone. pretend my world hadn’t just fallen apart and the worst was yet ahead. hoping my baby was just “resting” and would move before we got there. that they’d made a mistake and that my baby would live! My mom did her best. cry. scared. I was sitting there in a daze. Because of the circumstances they did not want to put me with the other expectant mother and so put me in a room on my own on the far end of the maternity ward. Because the room I was in hadn’t been used much there was no bell in it to summon staff so they’d left a hand held bell for me to ring if I needed anything. The rest of the time I was on my own. the people were telling jokes and laughing and here I was breaking up inside. I would have to go through labour knowing I’d have nothing at the end of it. I was booked into Witbank Hospital. For me to have other children later in life and not have problems it was best if I could give natural birth. I lay down. Theo told me to be quiet. with my sobs my stomach was heaving and he couldn’t see properly what was going on. pretend nothing was wrong. I knew where his coldness came from now! I know we were sent back to Kriel with the results of the sonar. bless her. Dr Zinn in Witbank. My doctor in turn referred me to a gynae. not give a damn that he’d just been told his wife was carrying his dead baby!? I don’t remember much of the next few hours. frightened.. calm and collected conversation with the doctor about the mechanics of the fucking sonar machine!! I could not believe what I had married! How could anyone be so cold. pain. The fear kept rising. My baby was dead I just knew it! I wanted to scream. I clearly remember though sitting in the back seat of the car tears streaming down my face. his mother was in the front with Theo. He looked worried and then said. the doctor asked me to calm myself so he could make sure. The bitch just accused me of killing my own child! That within minutes of hearing it was dead. It didn’t. Totally lost. so unemotional. His daughter had been in the same year as me in high school. The drip they’d attached was to make me go into labour. somewhere in the night between bits of exhausted sleep it started working. pull my hair out and here was Theo having a cool. sleep for Page 48 . That felt like years ago! How could my life have changed so much in so short a space of time! He explained what would have to happen next. All I wanted was for someone to love me and tell me it was ok. I didn’t want to feel. I drifted between contractions.
I was so scared. I couldn’t be alone now! Please Theo come with I’m scared! He came. looking in at the nursery where all the new borns were lying in the cots. straining. his hand lying quietly to one side. pink. Page 49 . I could see the reflection of him in the big light above. Knowing the baby was coming out now and yet terrified it would because then it would confirm everything I’d been told. How brave… how strong…. trying to cheer me up.hours. Walk again. Two days later on my eighteenth birthday I was discharged.. I’m not sure if it was emotion. Once again I pretended… afterall I could not spend the rest of my life running away every time I saw a baby! Half of my friends were pregnant and the sooner I got used to it the better. She allowed me to hold one. I wanted to hear him cry! If he didn’t I wanted to think of him as a perfect angel. I was told he was perfectly formed. while his mother stood to one side. My baby was already buried. Just then it was feeding time and I could see the looks on their faces and the nurses asking silently if I was ok. I could see the bell on the bedside table but I couldn’t reach it because of the pain that was doubling me over! All I know is that the next thing Theo was at my bedside. a risk I’m sure she could have gotten into trouble for considering what I’d just gone through. exhaustion or what but I don’t remember much of the actual birth. It would be dead! They examined me again and realised they had to act fast. One of the nurses saw me and gently asked me if I’d like to come in and see them. alive. The long walking up and down the corridor. the head resting on my right thigh. they left again. I remember them placing the baby between my legs. one of them called me in and we started chatting. Theo stood to one side as they wheeled me off. I remember them doing an examination at one stage to see how far I had dialated but was told it wasn’t enough and would still be a while. I was told just before leaving that they had decided the day before it was best to do the funeral before I got home. I went in. just stood there and looked at all the beautiful babies. He was here!! Help me! Please go and get someone this baby is coming! He rushed out and brought a nurse who said it was impossible and it wasn’t that long since they’d checked and I was nowhere near dialated enough. Luckily Dr Zinn was on the premises and it wasn’t long before they had me on a trolley and were wheeling me to the delivery room. people in and out. nothing wrong but they’d be taking him away to do an autopsy to determine what had gone wrong. How cold… How broken… How unloved and unlovable…. too scared to look. That’s what they thought! I was pushing. lying there. up and down the corridor… I’d gotten to the other end where the mothers were all in a ward together. I was told later that Theo had cried at the graveside and that is was my mother who had put her arms around him. Oh Father in heaven how could you let something like this happen?? How could you take away my baby!? That day and the next were a blur. sleeping soundly. The next thing I remember is getting a tremendous urge to push! It hurts so bad!! I had lost all track of time and didn’t know if it was day or night or what. screaming. not as a dead baby.
In fact I heard a few months down the line that one “friend”. Not my husband. the one that will always be a perfect angel to me. In that week Theo came home with a piece of jewellery I’d seen and admired in Sterns when visiting a friend there. The pendant had a flower in a gold oval. it wasn’t their fault.I walked out with my husband. One week I was pregnant. I’d not plucked up the courage to go in there as yet. no nursery. my mother. By the next day I was in a new home. For the first time I mourned the loss of my baby son. I so did not want to leave!! I was supposed to be walking out with a smile on my face and my arms full of love… instead I was alone… lost… I fell behind the others who were walking and talking. the tears and the emotions deep inside. I tackled the lounge and kitchen and she asked me to leave the baby room to her. The one I never saw. If only they knew! A few years later they had a programme on TV about the lost ones. the next week it was as if nothing had happened. no baby. On the second day home Theo arrived at 12 o’clock to tell me that we were moving that day. I didn’t want to make them feel guilty for having healthy children. I rang my mother and she came over to help pack. Page 50 . That pendant is still around my neck 24years later. a diamond in the middle of the flower petals. I went to the back and had a quiet cry. excitedly waiting for the time of the birth. I hid the feelings. no love. the one I’d trusted the most had told another she wouldn’t be surprised if I’d done something to lose the baby on purpose as I showed no emotion whatsoever. infants that die in the womb. Life went on… A piece of me had died …. his mother and my brother. I had a daughter of 2 and a half and my son was 6 months old. It has come to represent my lost one to me. I sat there and flood gates just opened. no one to talk to about my loss. There was only one time I remember having to excuse myself. now not my baby… My brother stopped. Waited for me and held my hand walking out… Theo had not even noticed I wasn’t with them. It was a pair of diamond earrings and a pendant. By that time I was divorced. As I mentioned earlier half of my friends were pregnant at the same time so I was faced with babies from the day I got home. How was I going to face my life ahead? What was I going to do now? Where would I find that love I so badly wanted.
On my birthday in 2002 and the anniversary of his 21 st birthday my mother sent me a card. Love you Mum It was written by a woman’s sister after she’d had a miscarriage. Forget-me-not We are the ones God chose to take We are the ones you could not awake. Inside was a clipping she’d kept for over a year waiting for his 21st to give it to me. We are the buds you see on a tree We are the ones whose spirit runs free We are the bulbs you may plant in spring We are the sound when hear the birds sing We are the ones that could not cry We are the ones He chose to die Our tears are the tips of the morning dew We are the ones that you never knew We are the rain that’s left on the grass The test for life we did not pass We are the bees you hear hum We had no voice to call you Mum We are the forest that fragrance the wood To be with you. My mother wrote the following: Baby Wernars would have been 21 this year. if we only could We are the sun. the moon We are the blooms that went too soon We are the stars that shine above We are the ones you could not love Forget-me-nots that’s what we are We grown in your garden not very far We are a heart broken in two We are the ones who belong to you We are the ones you could not share We are the empty space you see there So really you see us in every way Forget me not for every day Lanette Lusk So many years ago… a piece of me… Page 51 . the clouds. I know you must often wonder how he would have looked now. It is beautiful isnt it. Each year on the 8th Jan I say a prayer for you and baby and last year I found this poem and saved it till now.
The birthday card you sent me was waiting and even though early I decided to open it. as you’ve set one hell of an example but I will always try so that you say you’re as proud of me as I am of you! All my love Laurinda. you’re right I often wonder how Baby Wernars would have looked and what he would have been like as an adult. You are beautiful. and the words on the card express the way I always want you to think of me. with a Grandmother like you I believe he would have been as beautiful and special as my other two. Dear Mum I’ve just got back from the post box after dropping Clinton off at work. Mum please know I love you deeply and that I always measure my decisions and my life by the standards you’ve set. I was almost in tears just reading the front and the inside. I don’t always quite get there. I want you to know that I am just as proud to have you as my mother and grateful for all you have done and mean to me. it’s 21 years this year and yes something I will never forget and to know that there is someone else that also remembers means more than I can say! Watching the other two grow up and seeing how they’ve turned out with your help and guidance all the way.I sent her a letter back. for feeling and being there for me and with me. The words on the front of the card are beautiful and really touched me. I know I will never be able to be like you. but when I saw what you’d put in the middle I had to put the card down for a bit to control myself. I know I’m often busy these days and don’t talk as much as I used to. Thank you so much for remembering. not only on the outside but most importantly on the inside and everyone who comes into contact with you sees this radiating from you and are glad to have known you no matter how short the time. friend and person as you I will have come far. and was midstream cleaning the house. Page 52 . one of the reasons being I’ve not been too proud of some of the things that have happened in my life lately. Yes.. but if I can only be half as good a mother.
of love. of the loss of life of one so young… Today I finally laid to rest my own lost angel. you will never forget! Her memory will live with you forever. I never got to attend the funeral of my own baby. On butterfly wings On wings of my own To you I’m gone. How he can strut around after the birth. Aimee-Kate is the third child she has lost in one way or another. I could feel him looking. Wherever you look. I shared the poem with her that my mother had sent to me.There are no coincidences in life… Today 1st of April 2005 I attended the funeral of Aimee Kate Lattimer. Today I was reminded of the fragility of human life. there are no coincidences in life. In the heart of a prayer. I cried . I did not want to leave. My ex boss stood directly in front of me waiting to leave. While everyone was filing out I sat. in time to come. the call Of the One who takes care of us all. The three month old baby girl born to Liz or Beth as some call her. I sat looking at the casket in front. so proud of his new child. Thank you for healing me! Taken from the hand out at the church door with a picture of their angel: Where I have gone. You will find me there – In the heart of a rose. how he can glow. you may not. Afterwards he’d proudly shown off his photo’s to us all. to support them and to let them know that there are people who love and care about them and that they are not alone. In a week where so many things in my life are falling into place I received the sms from Craig about the funeral. I am not so small My soul is as wide as the world is tall I have gone to answer the call. Today I was there. I got to see how a father can be excited about the impending birth of his child. Her baby girl died peacefully in her sleep. The song that broke those that were not already in tears… Thank you for Healing Me. This time I didn’t care who saw me cry! I don’t have to pretend anymore! To Craig and Liz. I am home! Page 53 . not just for their loss but for my own. I can tell you. I sat through the funeral. But I’m never alone I am over the moon. bounce up and down in sheer excitement. you may find a reason. the tiny casket in front. She is someone I’d shared my experiences with when she was getting over the loss of her baby Alistair. of the love of a mother. I worked with the baby’s father Craig at my last place of employment for a time too and we’d spent time together chatting about the impending birth.
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I didn’t go onto any type of birth control. me insisting I was tired of being on my own and I also needed to get out. the results of which were inconclusive. in the hope I would fall pregnant again quickly. I soon fell into a routine. We only had one car so it meant if he was out I was stuck at home alone. sewing. “if you can’t beat them. examined me and recommended a DNC be done that same afternoon. they weren’t sure. He looked at the test results. The next morning they did a pregnancy test. I had told him I was going to. Monday was boy’s night in the pub. Wednesday was Table Tennis. During this time we were visiting friends one evening when for no reason I started bleeding heavily. crocheting and knitting. He had his week all planned. During the day I kept myself busy learning different recipes. When my house doctor had still not been in to see me by the following afternoon. Life went on and it was another seven months after that before I felt familiar changes occurring in my body. but he obviously hadn’t believed me. Had I lost a second child? I’ll never know. time in which Theo and I went through a number of ups and downs in our relationship. Being Kriel. Monday nights a friend and I went to moves and a drink and on the other nights I went with him to badminton and table tennis and played with. the small place it was. Saturday and Sunday was socializing with friends. Nothing other than being admitted happened that night. The whole time I was bleeding heavily and passing blood clots. up to and including my third year diploma. sometimes with the wives. Once again before I’d even missed my first period I Page 55 . it wasn’t long before someone had run to tell Theo that his wife was in the ladies bar being chatted up by a stranger! To say he was unhappy when he came through to check for himself is putting it mildly! We ended up in a huge argument. I’d only been in the ladies bar for a few minutes when someone I didn’t know started chatting to me. I also joined the local civil defence and did First Aid courses through them. I may or may not be pregnant. If anything it was stronger and so after a few discussions with people and with Theo’s permission. I asked Theo to please call the gynae that had looked after me before. go and see a movie and then stop in at the ladies bar for a drink. all the things a good housewife should do. sometimes just the men. He’s always been quite active socially and with sport. It took nine months or so for it to happen. Friday. may or may not have lost another baby. join them” and started going out as well when he refused to take me with.The Long Slow Death of a Marriage After having lost my first baby the desire to have a child did not diminish. It took all my courage the first night to walk up to the club on my own. At first I thought it was just my period but in less than half and hour I was bleeding through the tampon and my clothes. him saying it wasn’t right and I should be home where I belong. He came within an hour. We rushed off to the doctor who sent me straight through to hospital. Tuesdays and Thursdays was badminton. after losing my baby I realized how little he was home and how lonely it was. I decided.
I was ready to give up at that stage. Throughout this time. this time to a brick house on the opposite end of Kriel. I was told to return in two weeks for another set and only then would they be able to see if there had been an effect on us by the count of the Beliruben cells between the two blood tests. In public we were still seen as a couple. I was over the moon with happiness! The relationship between Theo and I changed once more. that to have had an effect on my baby it would’ve risen by a few thousand! It felt like a death sentence had been lifted off my shoulders. She’d been pregnant with her youngest at the time of my first pregnancy. had German Measles! This wasn’t as much a crisis her as it was for me. That night I visited my mother in tears. that wasn’t to be. My house doctor did not know for sure the significance of the results. In extreme cases it is recommended if the feotus has been affected to abort the baby. It may be born with problems related to hearing or disabilities etc. Julie and I had grown very close as friends. I wasn’t sure if I should be relieved in case of another incident like the other in which I’d lost my baby or worried that he no longer found me attractive. The relationship grew so distant between Theo and I that I eventually moved into the spare room and slept there. he would occasionally refer to “his son” that I was carrying. He always had money for what he wanted to buy but when it came to me I had to justify every last cent spent. new house. putting in as much overtime as possible. My moods and thoughts swung between the two. That was the longest two weeks of my life! Eventually it was time to go back for the results. I was about two months pregnant when she arrived at my house one day crying her eyes out. If I lost this baby too I didn’t want to try again. convinced that because the first had been a boy and most of the rest of his brothers had sons that he only made boys. Being in daily contact with them as I had been. When I got to see him a few days later he was able to reassure me that the rise in the count was only due to having been exposed to the virus. Anxiously I waited only to be told there had been a rise of around 200 in the count. it meant I’d been exposed to something that could harm my baby! Julie was distraught with anxiety. what if this was a girl I was carrying? Would he reject a daughter in much the same way I was being rejected as a wife? He used to work long hours most of the time. scared she and her baby may have put me and mine in danger. I was Page 56 . I immediately made an appointment with the doctor who did a series of blood tests. Sometime during the pregnancy we once again moved house. the loss was too great to handle. The slight worry that somehow it may still have had an effect though remained at the back of my mind throughout my pregnancy. Her baby. Samantha. Not once did he ask why or invite me back.knew I was pregnant! It was a long wait until it could be confirmed with a urine test two weeks later. new baby on the way etc. Now I was pregnant he wouldn’t touch me once again. I had hoped this might also have a good effect on my marriage. so once again I was referred to the gynae in Witbank. I remember once asking him for R10 to buy a skirt I’d seen on sale in Edgars. Another worry was added to my list.
my eldest sister’s child who was turning seven that year. but oh it was so worth it. Theo had an excellent excuse not to buy me anything as I wasn’t one yet according to him. Not long after that Theo arrived. that I was to be put on a drip to hurry things along. My daughter was born in the same room as my father had died in… Co-incidence? Within two hours we were both back in the ward. At that time of her birth. Friday dawned with no change so on the drip I went. so it was recommended I have an epidural to lessen the pain. screaming baby girl! The tears flowed when they placed the little bellowing scrap of humanity on my chest before taking her away to clean her up. they phoned him.told no. seeing the little miracle sleeping there peacefully! Page 57 . Everything was setup. I found out later that he’d been acting as a sort of loan shark to guys he worked with. healthy. When it was time. There was “no money” for that either. there wasn’t enough money. By that stage I was going to the gynae weekly and it was decided to induce the birth rather than allow it to continue as that may result in the hardening of the fontanel and thereby making the birth more difficult. the Witbank Hospital was painting out the maternity ward and they’d converted the old men’s ward into the maternity section temporarily. By later afternoon it was discussed that if things had not started on their own by the next morning. only for him to come home a week later with a camera and tripod he’d bought from a friend at work for R600! As the due date of my baby got closer I asked him if we couldn’t please go out for a supper just the two of us one last time before out baby arrived. the epidural having worn off. worked in the morning and then taken his mother shopping after stopping in a lunch time to see how things were going. My baby was due on Mother’s day of that year. The 14th is the birthday of my niece Belinda. I was admitted early morning of the 13th May ’82 and given tablets to put under my tongue and told to walk as much as possible to get things started. so eventually they broke my waters manually to speed it up. he’d loan them money and they’d have to pay him back with a hefty interest added which is why there was never money for what I wanted or needed. I was tired and sore. The nurses didn’t want to top it up because they said. Things were still very slow. he was furious when he arrived and found now it was too late to give me a top up and he had to turn the baby with me being able to feel everything! By around ten past seven I gave birth to a beautiful. I’d been anxious that by the time he’d arrived he might just have missed the whole thing! As it was he was there in time once again – just! The pains were pretty strong by then. I was told my baby was lying face up instead of face down and would have to be turned manually. the 9 th May. Nothing happened. the doctor had not left specific instructions. He’d gone home the night before. looking in the little bed next to mine. the needle etc inserted into my spine and the first dose administered once the pain started getting bad. My baby other ideas! I so wanted to be a mother by Mother’s day.
I approached Theo’s mother and she agreed to babysit for me. she slept through the night within the first five weeks. He was insistent that I return home. I too had a right to a life other than him. I asked him if he’d babysit so I could go out. That was the night he gave me a gold watch for the baby I’d given him. him blocking me. there was nothing wrong with my baby’s hearing. Heart beating I said no and climbed into Julie’s car and she drove away before he could stop her. I’d won but at what cost? In those days my mom worked at the township offices and it became a regular thing for me to pop down there at lunch time and spend time with her. jumped out of his car and chased after us. now I had to go with her. not sure where my marriage was headed but happy non the less. I’d encouraged her to go with me.That same night my mom was visiting when someone banged the metal cabinet next to the bed quite hard and my baby got a fright! My mother and I both cried and laughed at the same time. there was no way I was allowed to do this. she was perfect! In three days I was home. but was he now willing to at least make a new start? I moved back in and it was not talked about again. telling her to stop interfering. we were visiting and had had lunch. I was so embarrassed. new baby in arms. I asked her to go ahead and I’d join her. Every time I’d take a step forward he’d block me. His mother had already arrived. me trying to get past him. but he wouldn’t hear about it. only cried when hungry. She handed her over to me and I just went white! Page 58 . Clapping! Someone had been sitting in their car watching and listening to the whole thing and was applauding my victory. still no questions or discussion on why I’d moved out. Eventually he realized short of physically picking me up and dragging me home I was not going with him. he hadn’t wanted to make a scene in front of her. we were in the car and parked outside my mom’s place. When we got there Theo asked if I was moving back to the room or what. Jolene was about 3 months old when Julie asked when are we going to go out to movies again. afterall. Back and forth the argument raged. He turned and left. We’d just arrived and were walking to the cinema from the car when Theo pulled up. Her coworkers shared a number of Jolene’s milestones in that first year. Theo had continued with going out every night and I’d been home. but the minute I went outside he followed and insisted I return to the house. She’d been holding Jolene on her lap with one hand under her chin to burp her. One day I remember very clearly. Julie came to fetch me at the arranged time. “A mother belonged home. I loved being a mother! A few weeks after her birth Theo announced we were going out for supper with the baby and a few friends. Theo was furious when I told him I was going out and had made arrangements for Jolene to be looked after. Julie wasn’t very impressed when I told her. Jolene was a model baby.” and that was that. Julie tried to say something a few times and he was getting angry with her. I had to go home now! I was just as determined not to back down. the house and the baby.
A week or so before his mom was due back. flicked the light switch on saying the room was too dim to see what he was eating. Our sex life was intermittent. He was taken to hospital and lay there in a coma for a few days before passing away. He took in the table. Everything looked perfect. more because of them working together than anything else. When Theo went to check what was happening he’d had to break in after seeing his father on the floor unconscious. Alone again. went through to the room to change and left to go to the club and his mates. doing my makeup and dressing in stockings and a little black dress he’d bought for me when we were still dating. if I put in more effort. I was accused of not having taken proper care of him. sat down and proceeded to eat. most times non-existent. clearing up and putting away the useless trappings of what was supposed to be a romantic supper followed by love.All I could see was the hand up around her throat. I called him to come through and eat. gentle music to play in the background. I spent the whole day cooking and preparing a special meal. I quickly lit the candles. at least not in my opinion. Once when he was verbally abusing his mother on the phone I’d taken it off her as she was crying bitterly and told him to Page 59 . table laid out nicely. During this time Theo’s mom had gone across to Holland against her husband’s wishes. I took extra special care in bathing. When he’d finished he got up. what I’d tried to do wasn’t wanted. I’d though she’d picked her up by the throat only to hand her to me! My poor mom didn’t know whether to laugh or cry with me that I could think she was manhandling my baby like that. Theo of neglecting him. I wouldn’t even go into the alcove in the supermarket and leave her pram outside just in case someone wanted to steal her. When I heard the combi dropping him off. prepared the dining room with flowers and candles. The neighbours alerted us to the fact that something was wrong as he’d not taken in the newspapers or milk that had been delivered over the weekend. It was the start of a family feud as so often happens when there’s a death. It was to be many years before I tried something like that again for anyone. closed the dining room door behind me and went to meet him at the door. on his way to the bathroom to wash his hands ready for supper. He heard the music playing and decided he’d rather watch TV. A whole day wasted. it might make a difference in our relationship. One of the son’s didn’t want his mother back in the house as he was angry that she’d left to go overseas. now he just had to get home. sometimes ok. the candles etc. The brother threatened to have Theo fired and that we’d end up on the street. his father had a stroke. I ate my meal in miserable silence. I was so protective over Jolene. Jolene was bathed and fed already and wouldn’t wake up until her next feed due in a few hours. He barely looked at me as he walked past. I hadn’t seen the other one under her bottom. walking there with Jolene in her pram. when he walked in his reaction was not the one a husband is supposed to have. I made an effort though to go and see the old man once a week. I was devastated. you name it. I decided to see if I could spice things up a bit. Theo had not been getting on very well with his father. I’d waited so long for this precious gift no-one was going to take her away from me! Another memory from that time period that had a major effect on my self confidence and image was the night I planned a special supper. chose soft.
Maybe once we were away from his mother and mine our marriage would improve. Within a week we’d relocated and I set about fixing up our new home. This time I fell pregnant immediately! Once again my body changed even before I’d missed my period. It had also taken a while to fall pregnant with Jolene. It was to take at least 6 years before the two brothers eventually made up between them. He didn’t see any point in having any more. I wasn’t too happy about having to go but I knew we already had friends there and others would follow. meeting up with people already there.stop and hung up on him. In that same week. Julie and her family included. I didn’t want that for my child. Theo came home and told me we were moving. When Jolene was coming up for a year old I approached the subject of having another child with Theo. After a few discussions he agreed and I stopped the birth control I’d been using.. TO BE CONTINUED… Page 60 . It was confirmed within the next two weeks that I was indeed pregnant again…. This time to Sasolburg. if we left it too long there would be too big an age gap for them to be friends. The power station was just about finished and for months people we knew had one by one been transferred to the next construction site. After having lived with my father and seeing what a selfish man he’d been because of not learning to share.
I was told that I would have to make an official complaint against him. There were a few different families living on the plot as well. After she'd answered all in her trusting way. In the one there was a man. Most people have a lot of views of what they would do if caught up in such a situation and most is based on gut feel. One Saturday morning I was doing the house cleaning and my kids were playing around and went up to the house at the top of the plot to play with the other children. I didn't give it much thought and carried on working for about three quarters of an hour then decided it's time to go and fetch them. the houses being a distance apart (mine about 300m from the closest house). in the main house an elderly couple with their 10yr old granddaughter. my daughter would have to undergo a medical examination.Child Molestation I read a post and others like it with interest on the chat board I used to go to and didn’t respond or comment until I day…. When I got to the house the backdoor was open but I couldn't hear any noises so I stood there and called my children. I told her that what he had done was very very wrong. All I can say is you will never know how you will react until YOU ARE in such a situation! I WILL KILL THE BASTARD! LOOK AT WHAT MAKES HIM DO IT AND SOLVE THE PROBLEM! etc etc etc. I felt my veins turn to ice and knew how I reacted and behaved towards her in that instant could determine a large part of her future! As calmly as possible I asked her all sorts of questions. No adult had a right to do that to a child! What he had done was a criminal offence and he could go to prison for it and that I was going to phone the police to make sure that he would never do that to a child again. DECISIONS DECISIONS DECISIONS!!! Page 61 . she would have to give a statement as to what had happened to the police and she would have to testify in court IN FRONT of him as to what had happened. where was your brother. Not long after I'd got divorced I was living on a plot with a few houses. I did phone the police as well as Lifelife for advice. what they think is the right thing to do or things that they have experienced.. On the way home my daughter holding my hand turned and said "mommy the uncle was licking my winky".. who was there. his girlfriend and her children. did he hurt you. I still believe this to a large degree and yet. my daughter was 4 and my son 2. I too was one of those that always thought that such people should be given the death sentence or jailed for life at the very least. It took a minute of two for them to respond and then they both came out. I then took them home and put them to bed for their afternoon nap.. what else had happened.
My experience was as a parent who was trying to do the best she could for her child. it's quite another to be in it yourself.. what is my opinion on abusers / molesters?? Yes I still say KILL the F*CKERS! But I didn't. I spoke to them both... short. I told the elderly couple to ensure they do the same with their granddaughter. cut him up into little pieces and fed him to the dogs! In less than a month he'd moved out to heavens knows where. Closure is very important! Page 62 . faced by police to make a statement. reiterated that what he had done was wrong and that the police would take him away if he came anywhere near them and warned them to stay away from him. thin (at that stage!). face HIM in court and still at the end of it have the possibility that he would walk away scott free anyway? Do I let him walk away and take the risk that he may molest other children in the same way? My children's father when I told him wasn't prepared to get involved and advised me to get the landlord to kick him off the property. I told him I'd phoned the cops and to expect a visit. So. If and when she talked about it I dealt with whatever she came up with. but it would have meant having to go without something to have revenge! In the end I decided it was best for me and my children to do nothing.. as if they cared! One of the guys from work offered to hire some "friends" to beat him up and teach him a lesson for R400! Oh God was I tempted on that one. I had many sleepless nights imagining how I tortured him.I was 23 years old. Now what to do about my daughter and her trauma? Do I put her through the ordeal of having to be poked and prodded by a doctor. I did eventually talk to my daughter about it but she had/has no recollection of the incident at all (16 years down the line). The man in question was over 6 foot and broad shouldered but I marched up there non the less once I was sure the children were asleep and confronted him. was living on a plot that was rundown. Did I make the right decision? Did he ever go on to molest others? I have no idea. It turns out his girlfriend had left him the week before and taken her kids with. and I was barely able to afford. What would have happened if I had "done the right thing" and had him prosecuted and put her through the ordeal? Who knows! All I know is I did the best I could do for her at the time.. He of course denied any knowledge and could not answer me when I screamed at him how the f*ck did a four year old come out with a statement like that if nothing had actually happened. They however told me they could not go near him or warn him to stay away from us unless I laid a complaint. had no weapons to protect me or my family. Like I said in the beginning it's easy for people to say what they THINK they would do in this kind of situation. others were from being the victim and having to live with the consequences.
..All sorts of things happen to us throughout the course of one’s life and it's how we choose to deal with them that will make the difference. The manner in which it came out is something I’ll always regret. that man took advantage of an innocent child and if you as an adult feel the need to take him to court to get that closure then that is what you should do. Addendum The matter of my daughter’s molestation had only been discussed with her briefly before posting this.. Whatever you do though. Yes I could have had him prosecuted. talk. not knowing that the guy lived on his own.. That is another story of it’s own though. You could decide to help others that have gone through the same thing. After posting this and getting a number Page 63 . We've always talked very openly about such things though and to me the fact that she has no recollection. or may have considered oral sex a perversion which it is not. A person is not to blame for what happened. quite another to be in that situation. my being locked up would have done my children no good. and I wondered if this was one of the reasons. It had come out during a heated argument in her rebellious teenage years. has no hangups in that department now she is sexually active means I did ok by her. talk and talk some more to anyone or everyone you can until even in here about those unresolved feelings and you'll find one day that it's no longer important and can move on. There are many times over the years I wondered if I had done the right thing believe me. She was a virgin for a very long time measured against today's standards of teens having sex. but it's not the same as having your mother there. not having killed him or having paid to have him beaten up at the very least! I have always been VERY protective over my children after having lost the first one so late in pregnancy I was half paranoid at the best of times! I often wanted to ask my daughter over the years if she remembered and wondering what effect if any it would have on her and her sex life and relations with men but restrained myself thinking and hoping if she did she would talk about it to me. I've always found when helping others it helps you indirectly to come to terms with things. Do this as calmly and rationally as possible so he gets the message very clearly. although doing it to a child is! Like I said. who then would have been there to see them grow up. I beat myself up about having let them go up to the house on their own. but what kind of effect would that have had on my daughter? How entrenched would the whole incident not have been for her? I knew if I over reacted when she told me and maybe used the wrong words she would not easily trust me again. make sure they were ok. As much as I may have wanted to kill him. I also know though that if any issues do crop up later she will discuss it with me and go for any kind of help or counseling that’s necessary so I have made peace with my decisions. You could decide to rather confront him one on one (make sure though you have someone else around for your own safety!) Let him know exactly how you feel about what happened and the consequences it's had on your life. love them? Yes my family would have stepped in. it's easy to theorise on what you would do.
she assured me she had no recollection of the incident whatsoever and that she enjoyed a normal sexual relationship with her boyfriend that she lives with… A great relief to me!! Page 64 . After reading it.of responses I asked my daughter to come please come and visit as there was something I needed to show her and discuss with her privately. I asked her to read through the whole post and then to please ask me any questions she might have.
I packed carefully for that trip. What sights for middle-aged women from the platteland! Wonderfully colourful. no one particularly worried about what the other was getting up to. gyrating to music that had a pulse of its own. each with a mission of their own.Lesbian Relationships I was a late bloomer regarding coming out and trying the kind of relationship about which I had always dreamed and fantasised. never hurting one another because. nervous about what the people would be like. An opportunity came for me to do there for a weekend and meet her in person. I never really questioned my thoughts and the demands that society in general place on one. we are both women and know how women think. Well. Here was a place I could at last be me.3 children and lives happily ever after. drinking in the sights. just maybe something would happen so I could finally see if reality lived up to fantasy. sleazy. the yearning never went away and the connection with men was never on the level I hoped it would be. a riot of shapes. that a woman meets a man. Enter the Internet! Was I excited when I realised I could log in under two nicknames. and with whom! Heaven for someone who has always been concerned with what others might say or think. still yearned late at night but continued to date men. sizes and colours. after all. but getting it is not always as easy as it would appear. her love me. Many fantasies and dreams were built. to be examined late at night when alone and lonely. love her. lonely nights. How do you meet other like-minded women? Where do you go when you don't even know any lesbians? How do you even know who has Sapphic tendencies? These questions plagued me on long. The excitement of finally making contact! My first experience of visiting a gay club was a trip to Champions to meet women and go dancing. What an evening I had. Somehow though. Wanting something is one thing. Slowly I got to know more people and made a special connection with a woman in Durban. one that I used on the regular channels I visited and another I could use in the lesbian channels! Many exciting evenings were spent chatting. How I would meet the perfect person. and getting to know other women. which was the acceptable things to do. it did Page 65 . bright. some older. Any ideas of loving and being loved by a woman were either quickly dismissed or buried. got divorced after a few years. That caused many hot and frustrated evenings! I did the whole marriage and children bit. knowing I was staying over elsewhere but hoping we might get a chance to be alone and maybe. flirting. and no one would care or be in the slightest bit shocked. marries. hoping I was appropriately dressed. has 2. some young. Growing up in a small community. What a dilemma! First the dangerous trip through the city centre looking for a club that was tucked away. Much time was spent kicking out men who were out for a cheap thrill. dancing. then actually getting out of the car.
So started a wonderful relationship that lasted for nearly two years. The pain of doing this was immense and because we had connected on so many levels. Back in Johannesburg I went with a friend to a dance where there were more than 200 lesbians. the way she cared for me. however. From the word go. we could be and do things to one another. passionate love and reaffirming our love. The sad thing about the lesbian community is that it is either so out there and in your face or so closeted that never the twain shall meet. hoping that the tough love approach might make her see what she was doing. My second long-term relationship was dealing with exactly this type of person. happy lesbians and does not bode well for relationships. and I don't try to hide it when questioned. the more I withdrew. I have also found among the women I have met both in real life and on the Internet that a high percentage of them have at some stage or other been abused in some way. fought or tried to sort these out. eventually the cracks became an abyss which was difficult for either of us to cross. hoping this would explain what I couldn't put into words. I am not someone who shouts from the rooftop who and what I am. were absolutely amazing! For the first time in my life and. I was there for her. There were. wanted to get help and wanted to sort out her life as she had realised what she was doing to herself and others. and invited me over to her table. My friends decided to leave and fortunately she took pity on me. without realising it. in hers. This does not make for healthy. My children. The relationship ended. Page 66 . After much coaxing by her friends. We laughed so much. but I am not ashamed of it either. with me coming to her rescue every time. Eventually though. Living and dealing daily with a "survivor" can be taxing mentally and emotionally. a rather shy but beautiful woman asked me to dance. it did live up to the fantasies. I sat one day at work and wrote something to explain to myself what had happened and what it had done to me. Eventually I asked her to leave. hoping to find some peace within myself and maybe help others who read it. She is and always will remain a part of my life and maybe children's second mother. the love I was shown. only to have everything crumble within a few days. I became her crutch. Despite this. and the physical bond we built. Substances were used to try to dull her pain and the more that happened. and for each other. Not long after I got a call to say she wanted to change. cracks. but it came damn close. I believe. but when the call or SMS came for help. We usually ended up in bed. but from this has grown a friendship that I hold very dear. Twice I tried to move on and forge new relationships. No matter how much we spoke. making wonderful. that had only ever existed in our fantasies. we could not stay away from one another for long. It was not all I had dreamed of. There was crisis after crisis. only to be quickly abandoned when her call for help came. I sent her a copy. My problems were neglected or dismissed as non-issues compared to whatever she was going through. her childhood problems and resultant behaviour overshadowed the love that was there. or fancied me. loved so much and learnt so much from one another. Each time I resolved never again. my work and my family took a back seat to her and her problems.happen and yes. More often than not the abuse has been sexual.
I love. Reality was a different kettle of fish. who couldn't understand how I could keep going back for more. with the knowledge that she is out there with someone else right now. That when you make love to her you feel as one and you both end up crying. but on others the pain one feels can be devastating. How can you see your own need for love and acceptance reflected in her face and turn and walk away? How. not from pain but because it feels so right and so good. Where to from here. There's a cost on my mental. do I reconcile myself on Valentine's night. I don't think I believed her at that stage. Once again I was inundated with loving messages. more of them hurt. loving. I cry. yet she didn't want to give up on me or me give up on her. sitting here alone. full of hope and promise. there was a lot of hurt and mistrust. Do I keep trying to be patient? Do I try against my better judgment to give her the time she needs? Patience has never been one of my strengths…. beautiful. nurturing gender. I need. physical and emotional health. I cannot have. and she supposedly with me? Why do I allow this? How do I go forward? Where to from here? Do I love her? (YES!) Does she love me or is this all a mind game? Why can I not just walk away? Lesbian relationships. I want. having received a gift left on my car this morning and SMS’s all day on how she loves me and will forever. is loving. is anyone's guess. right? Wrong! Would I change the path I have been on? No. caring. We know what hurts us so should not knowingly hurt someone else. How could a woman hurt another? We are the soft. I am not. I tried to explain to a friend. though. though.What joy that call brought me! Hope at last after months of despair. Have they lived up to what I expected? On so many levels yes. My first love did warn me that as good as they could be. I broke off the relationship I was in only to discover the same night that she was in a new relationship which she had denied. That tonight she will lie in another's arms while I yearn to be with her. when you are together. I asked her how you walk away from someone. who. After so much time apart and other people having entered our lives. Page 67 . My moods swing from extreme highs when I hear from her to low when I ask myself how much does she really care if she can put me through this? She is confused. She wanted to try and make it work. what makes me do it.
I in turn used violence – a slap. not able to provide properly. of being unlovable. This often happened when I felt inadequate. My next girlfriend was everything I could ever have asked for. Things went from bad to worse after that. It was so bad that one day after being insulted all afternoon in front of her family and over two hours of asking her to please stop once we’d got home and her continuing on and on. would’ve done anything for me.a slap. Slowly but surely though things started breaking down again. verbally abused me and what little self –esteem I did have vanished completely.I HAVE BEEN THE ABUSER AND THE ABUSED I grew up in a household where violence . The relationship had it’s problems but we loved each other. something we tried once or twice together but which I had asked her not to do around my children or when they were home. The hurt betrayal and absolute disgust for being lied to brought out once more my own feeling of not being good enough. or insult my children. I’ve come to realize that that relationship broke down initially because of me! I was intolerant of the fact Page 68 . The deed was so inconsequential I can’t even remember what it was… but I DO REMEMBER THOSE EYES! She was so scared of me… her mother…. you name it I can give a hundred and one “excuses” but does it excuse it? I remember the seeing terror reflected in my daughter’s eyes one day when I was screaming at her to answer me on something she’d done. The one who loves her. Due to a lot of things I grew up not feeling good enough and having little self-esteem. She would verbally abuse me when intoxicated or high. stressed out. regardless of who was visiting or around. Small lies to me though eventually broke down the trust and one day she too was on the receiving end of a slap! I ended it shortly afterwards. only to be told by her that she was involved / sleeping with her “straight” housemate. We broke up and made up more times than I care to remember. Red Flag!! I swung and hit her so hard across the head her ear still bleeds occasionally from it. She worshipped the ground I walked on. or pick a fight with me about them. And she was right! Later I became involved with a woman. a good hiding – as a means to discipline my children. Since then I’ve done a lot of work on myself and my life. and recognized that often it was abuse I was dishing out but did not know how to control or stop it. One evening after a lot of loving sms’s and messages something didn’t feel right and I went to find out for myself what was happening. she started using drugs.was the solution to bad behaviour. so bad that at one stage she was spitting in my face literally with hateful words I eventually lost it and punched her. Her words: “I’m scared to answer you mommy cause then you’re going to hit me”. a good hiding . She started drinking too much (so I thought). I married a man who although he didn’t physically abuse me.
and I lost someone in my life that I loved very much. the love between us never died and if I’m very lucky I want to regain the trust. horrible. my inadequacies and my lack of self –esteem and trust. My own journey has made me see why the love of my life has done the things she has done. I was constantly on her case about it if she did have a drink. At the time of writing this it has been over a year since I’ve felt really angry. That does not mean I don’t get tested often! I have had one friend who knows every single button to press in me. drinking at home was a taboo for me. love and faith we had in each other. I realize now though that she has a similar problem to what I had. even if she ends up being abused she will push and push and push just don’t ignore her! She will play on sympathy. To her any attention is better than none. ugly. the worst person on earth. firstly though by regaining it within myself and then showering her with it. Her reaction was due to her upbringing and not wanting anyone to tell her what to do. offering me the world and if I don’t engage with her then I am verbally abused. I was scared of drink. the one I don’t want to ever see again! My intention from hereon in… to love myself. At the end of the day though I was the abuser. to be kind and gentle to me. Page 69 . due to my fears. you name it. in fact spoiling me by doing a braai or a potjie. The mere fact that I’ve imagined wringing her neck is enough of a warning sign for me to know that I need to love myself enough to walk away from the relationship. she just manifests it differently.that she would have a drink of two at home. not bothering anyone. guilt. If I were to stay friends or continue to give in against my better judgement she will one day awaken that little girl inside of me that feels unloved and not good enough. the one that turns into a monster and lashes out.
blank face. I took down the name plaque my daughter had given me. I was hoping she would see what effect her behaviour would have on me long term if I changed myself to keep her happy. The following day she did so herself. deep inside. The fact that Corrie and I had been arguing for a week till the small hours of the morning also didn’t help my frame of mind. To me this indicated a major breakthrough in her way of thinking and her emotional insecurity regarding my relationship with others. I was 16 the first time I remember detaching myself from my feelings. This wasn’t the case in the long run. the affirmations I had up. non of them really explaining what it was like growing up. Turning into a robot. The day she’d gone to the facilitator’s house I was at an emotional low due to work and other circumstances. This act of packing me away however has pushed me to look at that part of me where this behaviour has occurred in my past…. in stark contrast to the otherwise impersonal pictures left. but at that stage I was hopeful although still apprehensive and scared. empty heart. mainly though unlovable even by myself! The times I didn’t love myself enough to fight or run to protect me. including putting Danelle’s picture back up on the fridge. Earlier that morning she’d phoned one of the people I’d done my 2nd seminar with.Packing Away Me During the first weeks back in a relationship with Corrie and the issues we had regarding the photo of Danelle that I wouldn’t take down I took quite a drastic action. I was crying bitterly the whole time I was packing my things away. Laurinda. who had advised her to put up her own photo on the fridge and to move Danelle’s to the side where it wouldn’t be seen as easily. most importantly no hurt! I’ve touched briefly in other chapters on my father. no love. unhurtable. I’d then built steel reenforced walls around me to stop people from getting close enough to hurt me. I realized that even though this was the first time I’d ever consciously eradicated all traces of me. I didn’t. Being a miner (fitter & turner) he worked shifts and so would sometimes be awake. The place where I hid myself. The only thing left in my house was a picture of Corrie. at others asleep in Page 70 . smiling broadly in the center of the fridge. how we lived in fear of him as children. untouchable. the photo of Danelle and Mica our cat and another of myself that was also on the fridge. photo’s from the walls of my children. visible as soon as you opened the door. the people I’d done my seminars with. no happiness. I had over the years packed myself away on an emotional level. not once but a number of times! In fact I’d not only packed myself away. That day I chose to pack away anything and everything in the house that was personal to me. anything that reflected me. When Corrie returned that evening and saw what I’d done she asked me to put it all back. never knowing when he’d explode or what mood he would be in.
too scared to have friends around. Thinking about it I don’t really know if he was a big man physically. We were hardly ever allowed to go with friends on an outing. if he’d worked earlier the day. which was more often than not. When we got home from school and he was home. he did have a big stomach from all the beer. If they dared greet him in Afrikaans he’d either ignore them flat or rudely say. Waiting for closing time for him to be thrown out of whatever bar he was in before we could go home. If you dared eat any of it there was hell to pay. This meant having to go with them. Every weekend it would be in the car. We made friends easily and could speak Afrikaans fluently. When my eldest sister was 16 she fell pregnant. others when he’d sit at the dining room table. I just know in my mind he was monster size and hugely intimidating. (We’d emigrated from England in 1968 – I was aged 5 at the time). That meant stay quiet and as far out of sight as possible! There were times he’d be out at the club drinking all afternoon or until late at night. watching and silently praying we wouldn’t have an accident. no reason given. The mines and communities were we lived had more Afrikaans speaking people than English. family or visitors. and yet. late at night. so no one else was allowed to speak it in the house. I was 12 at the time and remember having a fight with some kids on the school bus who were spreading the story. the yellow line of the opposite side of the road getting closer and closer as the car weaved from one side of the road to the other! My mother had never learnt how to drive so couldn’t take over. terrifying when angry. my mum would warn us to be careful as he had “the rats”. as he wouldn’t allow us to stay home alone in case something happened. we had to creep around quietly so as not to wake him. Those trips and others to visit people on other mines invariably ended with my mom and us five kids waiting in a parking lot for hours on end. Family shopping had to be done either on the bus that the mines provided by my mother. or by doing the trip all together as a family. He didn’t like or care to learn the language though. I was shocked when I told my mom what was being said and she Page 71 . drinking and reading. I was around 11 or 12 when he and my mother started playing bowls. watching the white line disappear under the car. “no Mickey Mouse in my house! Speak English or get out!”. As kids we always warned people but sometimes out of nervousness they’d forget and it was always embarrassing when he was so rude! His rules were very contradictory to his own behaviour. At home he was Lord and Master and his rules had to be obeyed or else! There was a whole horde of things kept in the fridge that were for him and him alone. If he was awake and in a foul mood. his reason was he didn’t trust anyone else’s driving.the afternoons. if we went anywhere with him. Those days were especially difficult. me sitting directly behind him in the Combi. he’d hardly ever return home sober. not being allowed to go out if he decided we weren’t allowed to.
He was very agile. shouting and telling him exactly what I thought! I was a skinny 12 year old kid but that night I didn’t care how big and scary he was. who knows. It had been a quiet enough night to start off with. He promised he’d kill the next daughter that came home pregnant! I believed he was capable of doing to too! Lynette’s marriage was not a happy one. My father didn’t like him however and one night and many drinks later he had a confrontation with him outside the main recreation club. his name was Hilton. embarrassed yes. Her husband used to beat her and I remember her coming home. told I was a whore. scared. He’d lost a leg in an accident years before. I eventually couldn’t take his shouting any longer or Lynette’s crying and begging just to be allowed to get some milk and a blanket for her baby before she goes into the dark night! I flew out of bed and joined Lynette in her fight. I was screamed at. baby in arms. Poor Hilton didn’t stand much of a chance though after my father grabbed and broke his crutches and kicked him! I’d never been truly ashamed of my father. the despair or the alcohol was to blame. walking into the electric situation. Page 72 . with or without his crutches. then again neither was the home she’d come from either. who worked at the mine. Her child was sent to boarding school as early as possible for her own safety and Lynette ended up drinking as much as my father did…. I don’t know all that went down as I’d been in bed sleeping. Lynette as we’d known her growing up. no blanket or bottle for the baby! She had to get out now and never come back! I was sharing a room with Stephanie at that stage. her pregnancy etc making my father even more strict on us that before. I woke up to my dad bellowing and shouting at Lynette. I’m not sure if it was that night or shortly thereafter that Lynette left. telling him what I thought of what he was doing. looking for a safe place. He was throwing her out of the house baby and all. She too had woken up. Whether the beatings. never to come home again. but she was too scared of doing anything that might antagonize my dad as she wanted to go away the following weekend. was never to be seen again. My mom arrived. in her place is an empty shell of what could have been. We were staying near Bank Colliery at that stage and I remember how he treated her and tried to control her in the time she was there. TV had just come out in South Africa and my mom had popped around to a friend of hers down the road to watch “How green is my valley” as we didn’t have a TV set yet. that night I was shamed! It wasn’t long after that. but he never let his disability get in his way. where I stood up to him. good for nothing like her and should get out too. She dated a guy a few times. that I had my first confrontation with my father. I know she was beaten up and her life threatened daily for a number of years after by her ex husband.confirmed it was true. Without the crutches he could hop almost as fast as us kids could run. My sister got married and moved away for a while. my second eldest sister.
only to have them shredded by my father and to be shouted at as to how stupid he was and how he would sit there until he got it right even if it was till doomsday! My mother’s pleading to at least explain the maths to him so he could find the solution had no effect. seemed to get away with more than the rest of us. I picked it up. receiving good marks. as a form of punishment. I remember my father making him sit at the bar in the dining room one day for hours on end. She was advanced to Standard eight practical. That was the year I went to Standard seven. After failing a second time. I’d always been a good performer at school. lazy. She was always feisty and a tomboy growing up.None of us escaped unhurt or unscarred from growing up in his household. too scared to move. At the end of that year however. He had to do the homework and it had to be correct before he would be allowed to move! Stuart was around 14 years old. even though I’d not had a say in it. She got into more mischief than all of us and either hid it better than we did. too scared to try in case he got it wrong again! Again. so didn’t have to repeat Standard seven a third time. The arrangement with the room didn’t last very long. something he battled with at times because of the maths involved. just the two of them. not because I studied as much as I had an excellent memory. you name it! It didn’t matter that I had passed. him peeling off his belt as he followed! Page 73 . Stephanie had twice failed standard seven. I gave him a mouthful. my marks were not as good as what I’d normally received. He didn’t know how to do the maths and so couldn’t do the drawing. petrified he’d break the door down and beat me up! We didn’t speak to each other much after that. her excuse being she wanted a horse and would not pass or work until she got one! We were lucky if he’d give us R100 a year for clothes. Stuart had never done well academically and in Std 6 was put into a technical school in the hope he would do well on a practical level. My father exploded! I was stupid. The second big confrontation I remember having with my father was at the end of my standard seven year. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. or knew how to handle him better. One of his subjects was technical drawing. albeit not his fault. how she thought she’d get him to buy a horse heavens knows! Failing the first time she’d repeated the year. He’d done a few attempts. Stuart sat there with tears streaming down his face. going away. I was asked to move into her room for a while and she had to move into the room with Janine the youngest of us children. rather my father’s total lack of feeling and humanity! Stuart is the fourth child and only son. Stephanie however. He had homework to do which he often didn’t know how to start. threw it back and him and then ran like hell and locked myself in my room. but she made my life hell while I was there. not even allowing him to use the toilet. but even the long awaited son was not spared my father’s unreasonableness. it was not good enough! He wouldn’t let me get a word and didn’t want to hear that I’d passed where Stephanie had failed twice! I eventually lost it when he threw his shoe at me and swearing. hadn’t applied myself. all arms and legs. I couldn’t stand by any longer and watch. There were times they had done the father and son thing together like fishing. My brother Stuart was the cause of the next confront.
He was pale. My relationship with him wasn’t a good one. looking him right in the eye. A couple of friends of mine had come around to fetch me to go with to the one’s house. He’d been told months before to stop drinking or it would kill him. he chose to ignore the advice. That day was the first time I buried my emotions. I watched them walking away. to help feed us. for things as mundane as leaving a grape in his ashtray to being cheeky to my brother. Because I’d not answered him yet. his stomach disappearing. He was usually seated. If there were people visiting and he decided it was time for them to leave. never would I be scared of him again. turned and walked back inside. There I was standing in front of him. our next door neighbour especially. We never spoke a word to each other again. confused and scared of my father. he’d come out to see where I was. I remember people bringing food over. No diagnosis was made as to what was actually wrong with him. the abusive years had made something snap inside me. Page 74 . He was eventually admitted into hospital with renal failure. Slowly he lowered his arm. He demanded I get the hell inside as I was grounded. The years of living in fear. We were barely two steps out of the door when he did his usual bellow: “Oi! Where do you think you are going?” Not wanting to be embarrassed in front of my friends I asked them to go ahead. never would I grovel. He shrank in size. I didn’t even want to visit him in hospital. beg for his love. No longer would he ever hurt me again. My mother however would not let me stay home alone. do my best for him. I’d try to see them later. When I did try and talk to him or do anything for him I was ignored as if I didn’t exist. replaced by anger. not someone to be afraid of. had surgery during which they’d removed a large part of his intestines and stomach. this time I would hit him back! He would get hurt. going down to just on 50kg’s from once having been a large man. “What for this time?” I asked. He was on and off work intermittently. He was in and out of hospital. We knew it wouldn’t be long before he passed away. My love for him as a father died that day. He put his cigarette in his mouth and lifted his arm to bring it down in a resounding smack! Before he did though I looked him in the eye and told him in no uncertain terms that if he dared him me. He’d been home a lot with being ill and he was as cantankerous and abusive as ever. So did a part of me. daring to answer him back! It dawned on me in that moment just how much he’d shrunk with his illness.It was around this time that my father fell ill. Things came to a head when I was 16. he’d always smash his fist down on the steel table top and bellow “Oi!” That was the signal that whoever was there had overstayed their welcome and you had to get them out as quickly as possible or else! For around five weekends in a row I’d been gated and prevented from going out. We said goodbye to him as we walked past him out of the door. Times were tough. My fear gone. very hurt and that I wouldn’t stop hitting him so best he reconsider his action very fast! The look in my eye and tone in my voice must have hit home hard. skinny and weak. Within a few months it was obvious he was dying. at the dinner table by the door that was used for entering and leaving the house.
I wondered what some people must be thinking but I couldn’t conjour up any sadness. he’d never learnt how. an unhappy bully who had to control through fear. they encourage you to do a clearing with your parents. With everything in my body screaming NO. 26 years of my life affected… Who knows what my life would’ve been if he’d known how to love. not having the opportunity or being willing to be anything other than what he was. I was 16 when he died. emotionally dead. the kind that loved me and the rest of my family in the way a father should. caught where he was. she’d said she hadn’t wanted me to regret not having said goodbye properly later. He was a pathetic man. For the people who’s parents have died. regardless of whether they are alive or not. the anger was gone. Surprisingly I didn’t say half of the things I’d thought I would. all because he didn’t know how to love. my total lack of emotions around his death etc.The night he died my mother told us we must all go and kiss him goodbye. and the years my family had and in some cases still are wasting because of issues stemming from being raised by him. He was cremated in Pretoria. Not for Jack Bridge the man that was my father. Page 75 . gave him a quick peck on his cheek and left the room to wait outside in the car. I sat dry eyed throughout the service. We all got new outfits to wear to the funeral. all I felt was sorry for all the years I’d wasted. That night I cried. I never have! With the seminars I’ve done. I did not want to! When I said as much to her. Years later I did ask my mother why she’d forced me to kiss him goodbye when she’d known I didn’t want to. how to be a father… but he didn’t…. she wasn’t very happy and told me she’d never speak to me again if I didn’t. I walked up. It was about 4 months later that Theo and I were talking one night when the subject of my father came up. they suggest taking a photo of the person and to sit in a chair opposite the photo and say what you need to say. He died a few hours later. careful though that we chose something we could wear for other occasions later as money was tight. stony faced. It took me a year after the first seminar and six months after the second before I eventually managed to do it. it was because I’d not had the kind of father I should have had. unconditionally. 42 when I finally made peace with him.
or by phoning them on my cell phone.30 and the last appointment was at 8. I’d spent all my available funds and not brought in a cent. even though she started packing a few times.Adaptability – Dealing with Change My roller coaster of life continues. eventually though I had to face facts. This meant she’d likely not meet her target date and so she requested everything be returned to her. The company had promised to give you leads. reaching a high.30 and then go out and do demo’s in the evenings. The training was excellent but the expectations of the company regarding leads and time were in my opinion high! You were expected to be at the office by 8. We were both sitting without work and running into financial problems. Most companies had already budgeted for their advertising for the year. and didn’t have extra funds for the book. In 8 working days I’d been in contact with 180 companies either by climbing into my car and going to all the companies in an area. give you more leads and buy the product. Some fantastic changes were evident from her side. I sent emails out from internet café’s or from friends’ computers. I’d been to see my old boss at the Department of Agriculture who went through the book and gave suggestions on things he felt were missing. I told her I would have to look at an alternative source of income and market the book on a part time basis. she didn’t run for once. not prepared to look at changing anything even though they came from a government department who the book was aimed at. In the meantime though I had to generate an income to pay my expenses. I’ve never been comfortable pressuring people I know to buy things and the hours involved meant that there would be no balance in my life. I would not have any time for myself. People who had previously worked and done training there were full of warnings Page 76 . I’d spent all I had marketing the book on building maintenance to manufacturing companies for them to advertise their products in.30 eash day and to stay there until around 4. dealing as best I could each day with the challenges. I was not successful though. Corrie and I went for training on selling vacuum cleaners. to look at what she was doing and make a conscious effort to stay. in the end though they didn’t. You were expected to put pressure on friends and family to do demo’s. only work. I sent these to the author as well as giving my feedback on the lack of progress due to there not being enough time before she wanted to go ahead and print. then falling to the lowest point at great speed! Corrie and I got back together and I took things moment by moment.30. I’ve just gone through the upside down section. she managed to stop herself. Others that she’d said were definitely interested said they weren’t when I approached them. On an emotional level however her insecurity and lack of self worth was still a major problem. On Saturday you were to be there at 6. Seven days a week. I chose to keep all the info as well as the sample book until some agreement could be reached. The author rejected all the suggestions given. I made up an invoice with receipts for what I’d spent on the project but she refused to reimburse me.
What I was giving up though was my safe space. I did a demo for one company that wanted it for their sales department and a personnel agency asked me to design one for them. so she was busy with that and I’d offered her half of any sale she could bring in for the databases. even though I kept asking her not too. How could I tell others to go on a diet when I personally preferred a person with a bit of padding and I believe weight is caused by emotional and mental problems more than eating or overindulging? The other option I had is to market databases I’d built in MSAccess for a few companies I’d worked for. no getting away from whatever she was going through and Page 77 . I had three clients to start off with but they’d lost all they wanted to. The end of the month got closer and we didn’t have much money between us. and yes other than selling my bed I still had all of my things. Corrie’s landlady approached her about marketing a range of corporate gifts and clothing that she had. wanting to be the provider. and the contract they’d said we would sign on the first day was not forthcoming until the very last day of the training week. Yes she was. Corrie had at one stage shown me how to put people onto the Atkinson’s Diet. Corrie had chosen to sell all her furniture that was not needed. verifying names and addresses in the phone book as I went along. running herself ragged.30 each night. home and possessions for “us”. The ones I’ve created are very simple. After the training was over I chose to withdraw. she would be there in our home. for one I’ve never in my life been on a diet and secondly I don’t believe in diets. Corrie got a few more referrals from old clients and at one stage when she was offered a job she offered the clients to me to take over. Once she’d moved in there was no going home to take time out. easy to run and a fraction of the price you’d pay for a ready made package. so she did this at the same time. I put notices up all around the local shops etc but nothing came of those. every time she hit an emotional wobble she’d lament on how she was giving up her life. getting home around 11. before she too saw that it was not good for her and she left. Problem was. In the meantime I was sending out my CV for jobs and looking at what else I could do. This kept me pretty busy and my writing was put to one side. I had a problem all along with the diet though. With our relationship being so unstable for so long I wanted her to put it in storage rather until we knew if we could make things work between us. She chose not to listen. Corrie continued for around two weeks.of how they didn’t meet what they said they would. taking care of us both. We’d discussed money issues and it was decided that Corrie would move into my place so we’d only have to pay rent at one place instead of two. They’d made my life and work considerably easier and there are loads of small companies that cannot afford to buy the databases or programs that are on the market. I also put together a database for use by Corrie and myself of all the companies we wanted to target. Once they’d been dealt with my weight problems disappeared on their own. I’ve been overweight a few times and this was either stress related or as a result of not dealing with certain issues. I started sending out emails to all the email addresses I could find in the newspapers and this paid off.
but does sorry ever fix it? Her biggest issue was still around Danelle and her insecurity of whether I’d go back to her or not.throwing at me regarding her insecurities and self worth. With permission from both I passed their numbers onto each other. Corrie had seen Angelique to return items that had been left at her house and to have a clearing. helping her to see what was happening and why she felt that way. They met up about a week later and did indeed have a lot to share with each other. doing diets in the early evening and with me working on the databases I’d been asked to write and updating the company list in the day and sometimes till late into the evening. I’d listen and talk to her. The next week was fairly busy with Corrie out most of the day. She would always be sorry for everything said and done then. For the most part when she did become emotional I could see where it came from. It was good to see Danelle again and even better to see how she was doing. After a weekend away with people from the second forum and stopping to chat to Anna Maria on the way home I saw how much Danelle and Anna Maria had in common and how much they would be able to support each other. I told Corrie about Danelle’s request and she let me go even though I could see she wasn’t very happy about it. After I’d written the first section of “Pieces of Me” I’d let Danelle read some of it as well as the piece on the baby I’d lost. In that week Danelle had also hit a hurdle with her Inquest Group and went into effect. A few days later Danelle phoned and asked if she could have a clearing with me. She’d sent me an sms about what she’d encountered. I’d had work to do and was ok with her going. Earlier in the week. Page 78 . We had a long clearing and I left feeling at ease with the way things were going in her life. Corrie was very unhappy about this. After reading them she’d chose to break contact with me so she could work on herself and see why / where she was giving too much of herself to people. I reassured her I would be back. I wasn’t sure if she’d misread what had happened and contacted one of her group to find out more. I understood and respected that and did not contact her. There were times though that the verbal abuse and accusations continued for hours and she would not let up or stop until I was in tears. was able to keep calm and know it was not me that was the problem. I suggested others that could support her and made it very clear I could not be the one to do it. Once I had the facts I phoned Danelle and basically gave her my opinion that she was overreacting because of other things that had happened to her. showing Corrie what I was saying before sending the messages. blaming me for what she was feeling. saying that Danelle was manipulating me knowing that I cared about her.
locked up and we left the house. unarmed and the car parked directly behind mine. he’s panicked. don’t make a stupid move”. Earlier in the day when I was setting up the table and chairs to play on. I was busy arranging my handbag under the seat. the gunman ordered half in. I dropped my bag again. directions or for work. indicators on. sms’d Danelle we were leaving. There we were standing outside the Page 79 .On the Wednesday there was a public holiday and we’d had two of the people over from the second forum to play the transformation game. I waited for Corrie to get home. the one with the gun now on the passenger’s side. The next Friday Danelle sent an invite asking if Corrie and I would like to join her for a late lunch. “Yes?” I said. “Ok stay calm.” The driver managed to get it into reverse. I was hoping this would be the start of a truce if not a friendship between two very important people in my life. “Get out of the car” he demanded. Leslie from my Inquest group was facilitating. I thought out loud. and with the power steering. My hands open by my side I replied “it’s already started just go. said “No” and locked the doors. When I looked up someone was at my window. The two swapped sides. Corrie then allowed me to use her laptop and I started the personnel database all over again. Corrie was surprised that she’d been invited but agreed to go with. We chose to go in my car. It came out quite clearly how Corrie was stuck on an emotional level and I on a physical level. walked around him to the garden wall. got out. What I was doing to myself physically with all the stress I was taking when Corrie became so emotionally unstable. In those days she’d get upset and feel neglected if I even tried to read a book. When I tried to get it started up again it wouldn’t do anything. maneuvered it without hitting the car behind it and off they went down the road. I heard a car stop and Corrie saying “Gogga”. Corrie closed the gate and climbed in beside me. gun still trained on me. a huge contrast to what she’d been like the first time we’d lived together. not sure if I could trust leaving them on the hard drive only. “Get out or I’ll shoot you!” “Oh my God”. reached under the seat for my handbag and with the other hand for my cell phone. My first thought was he wanted to ask something. I raised my eyebrows smiled. With it being a new car and running so quietly they didn’t realize the engine was running and the driver was battling to try and start it. “Come start the car! Now or I’ll shoot”. noticing for the first time the gun he was holding at my head through the window. waiting for oncoming traffic to go past. stopping at the stop street. Mental conversation with myself. I unlocked the door. I reversed out. I saved everything onto my memory stick. my computer had crashed off the chair it was on as I hadn’t seen that Corrie had put the wires in front of the table leg instead of behind. It was only after about two weeks I decided to copy them over and work on the hard drive of the laptop. noticing for the first time a second person on Corrie’s side. “Leave everything!” he ordered. For the most part Corrie seemed content to let me work while she either relaxed or made supper etc. half out of the car.
In the meantime she’d looked in the other car and found a wallet belonging to the owner. What she thought she’d be able to do if she did catch them heavens knows! She sent me across the road to see if I could use their phone to get the police. it now just meant I had to save them to the hard drive like it or not. wanting to get to her car and to chase them. I had hard copies of the writing I’d done up until then and hoped to be able to get the rest from the hard drive of the broken computer at some stage or other. Maricka’s boyfriend lent us each a cell phone and Arlene gave me her old cell phone for free when the one I was using didn’t work. Unfortunately for me though he had an empty tank so when they went around the corner they saw me reversing out and decided mine looked like a better prospect! The worst for me was seeing the after effects of an event like that.gate. a strange car abandoned while mine was gone with my handbag. rather to see it as having given my car to someone (albeit with a gun) who had at that moment a greater need to use it than I did. First a BMW had been taken a few streets away and it had cut out. Corrie’s old landlady also gave us money to tide us over. not knowing it was stolen. I’d phoned Danelle after the police. He dropped them at home a few houses down and then drove back to see if he could help them in getting the car going. The support of people in my life was immediately evident too. child and mother in the car. cell phone. Corrie’s cell phone. the warrant of arrest that I’d kept in the cubby hole and of course my car! I chose immediately not to see myself as a victim of a hijacking. On a personal level I counted the cost of having lost all the copies of my writing. She in turn had been allowing me to use her laptop to create the databases. my databases. What are the chances of that young man ever offering help to a motorist again? The racist comments made by people upon hearing about it and their first question was what colour were they and then when hearing black their condemnation of all blacks. When the police got there I gave them my statement of what had happened. cell phone and all the numbers. Corrie gave me a handbag she wasn’t using and I let her use the scales and case I’d been using for the diets so she could continue with that. They had then pulled a gun on him and taken his car. The ID book and bank cards were still in place. They were trying to push start it when a young man drove past with his wife. my computer memory stick with all my writing and databases on! Two minutes at most and my life had changed again! Corrie was trying to get the gate open with the wrong keys. my ID book and bank cards. She in turn came through to see if we were ok. We found out it was quite a set of circumstances that had led to my car being taken. as I no longer had a memory stick. Danelle left her cell phone with us and gave us money in case we needed anything immediately. and that one way or another it would be returned. to tell her we wouldn’t be making it to the lunch. diet equipment. One disappointment Page 80 . nail care kit. sunglasses.
When they first drove it in it looked fine. but I had my car back! I’d been told that the excess on my car to replace it was R9500. still a minor fortune considering the financial situation I was in but a lot easier to get than the replacement value. they had also hit a pavement or something and the wheels were badly out of alignment. She’d been in the police for 17 years and had a number of contacts still. getting our cell phones stopped and a replacement sim card for Corrie’s which was still paid up to date. spare wheel. there were a few scratches. We had thought they would turn the phones off immediately but we were wrong! It returned a message giving a street address in Tembisa! I was so excited I was bouncing around the house when she let me know. I cashed the cheque and put the money in the safe that Corrie had brought with to ensure it was safe and that I could at least pay for the car repairs. He gave me a cash cheque once I explained my circumstances to him. Corrie had her number back and decided to try and locate my cell. I got a Pay-as-you-Go sim card as my account was in arrears and high from the calls I’d made whilst marketing the book and was going to be cut off within the next week or two anyway. but on closer inspection everything that could’ve been taken was missing. I took my car to be accessed on Thursday and whilst there bought a present for Danelle who wanted to take me for coffee on Friday to celebrate the first anniversary of her sobriety. We had not bargained on both phones going at the same time though! We contacted our provider who either couldn’t or wouldn’t help us locate the whereabouts of the phones as soon as the hijacking had taken place. driver’s licence etc. There is a web page that you can do this from as well but I’d kept the password on my cell phone so I was unable to login and when I requested a new password it was sent directly to my cell phone! It was extremely frustrating. radio. When they didn’t Corrie took it further. tools. It had been located in Tembisa. in between working. The rest of the week was spent applying for a new ID. By 4pm I got a message. at that stage it was like asking me for a million rand! To have it fixed the excess was R1850.though was when Corrie when through Danelle’s cell phone and checked her messages. not at the address we’d gotten on the sms but it had been spotted when they were on their way out. By the Monday however. She saw a few there from me and went totally into effect. knowing there was a way to locate the phone and with it my car but being unable to use it. She didn’t give up until they agreed to get the anti hijacking unit out to the address to look for my car. as she no longer trusted or liked Corrie after Corrie had gone through her Page 81 . I phoned the local police who promised to get back to me. Corrie and I had a facility on our phones to find each other or at least where the phone was last seen in case something like this happened. That Tuesday I asked the guy I was doing the database for to please come and have a look at what I was able to do and managed to secure a deposit to complete it. We went through to the police station to wait for them to bring it back. contacting the insurance. The weekend of the hijacking was spent canceling bank cards. Fortunately Corrie already had appointments in Pretoria for that day as Danelle asked I not bring her with. everything from the cubbyhole.
something we’d been doing every evening since getting together. Corrie sent sms’s throughout the morning giving me updates on her progress both with the diets and selling DVD’s for a friend of hers for which she was getting paid a percentage.messages. It was my daughter’s birthday and I knew she had plans with her father so I just sent an sms and remained in bed. Saturday she had people to go and see that were on the diet with her so she left early. so much had already been said and done on the same subject and still she couldn’t see that I loved her or didn’t feel worthy of that love! I decided best I go to bed and leave it for the night. One of the rules of a clearing is you are not to interrupt. as I’ve never been able to sleep with the TV on. Was I strong enough to endure the constant onslaught from Corrie regarding Danelle’s and my friendship? Was I doing the right thing? It had taken me so long to discover myself. Over a month down the line of being back together. I sms’d Corrie when I left and we arrived home about the same time. I was still feeling depressed and not in the mood to be sociable so I declined. who and what I am. chatting about the day. I sat and listened while she carried on and on for over half an hour until I didn’t want to listen anymore. take some time out before we ended up saying something we regretted. We met at the Wimpy and had a pleasant time visiting and catching up. When I’d told Corrie I was meeting Danelle her reaction was “so this is now going to be an every Friday thing is it?” I told her the reason why and she seemed ok with it. I asked if she be a while watching tv. The same stuff she’d been on about for over a month already! It was obvious any progress I’d thought we’d made had only been a façade! She also brought up the fact that she felt lonely with me working in the evenings. I had to do some serious thinking. That evening started off pleasantly enough. how she didn’t trust her. was I prepared to change or suppress that to make her feel more secure? If I gave in this time what or who would be next? I Page 82 . and make some choices. even though she knew the situation and what it was I was doing. “Are you doing a clearing or giving me a lecture?” She got angry at that and stopped the clearing. She switched the TV off and turned over to sleep. I was feeling so despondent and depressed. I would go and sleep on the couch. usually in the bath. She came home around 4o’clock to get some more supplies to take with to Krugersdorp and asked if I’d like to go with. thought she was trying to cause trouble in our relationship etc etc. The lights came back on shortly after and she came to bed to watch TV. Around 9o’clock there was a power failure and we ended up sitting with not much to do so I asked her if she’d like to do a clearing. if yes. Instead of it being a clearing though it ended up being a tirade on how it wasn’t working for her that I had contact with Danelle. watching TV etc. her body language saying it all.
but it was still work. asked to take me out in the evening. could she not allow me the same? I worked at home granted. Why should I give up on me? Why should I have to change? Why couldn’t she just let me be? Where would it get me if I did change? There was no guarantee that even if I did. She’d said she was on her way home just after 1 o’clock.remembered what she was like when I first lived with her. how I always chose Danelle above her so obviously I love Danelle more than I loved her. Then I was accused of physically abusing her! No apology or explanation helped her to see it any other way. We were both still in our pyjamas. It anyone was to be worried or jealous surely it should be me?! Other than the Friday we were hijacked and meeting Danelle. ever grateful to her. The thought of physically abusing her had not even entered my head! Instead I was at my wits end with myself! Here I was again at the mercy of her and her emotional outbursts. as it was. On and on she went. doing what I could to bring in money. that our relationship would work. how hard she was working on the relationship. Why did I keep putting myself in this situation?! How was I Page 83 . I hadn’t been out of the house in a few weeks. Unfortunately. How ungrateful I was. I wanted to sort out my emotions and thoughts. I woke up to hear her talking to someone on the phone. she eventually went to the lounge and worked for a while. whereas she went out to do it. Where would that leave me if she did walk out? She continued to sms me. Once she got home we had another discussion that ended up the same way. how much she was doing for me and how I didn’t appreciate a thing! How I constantly chose Danelle over her and here she was. Yet what I was doing wasn’t being recognized! If I worked when she was there she saw it as neglecting and ignoring her. At one stage I dived across the bed to show her what it felt she expected me to be. she had silk ones on. Once again I declined. She was standing at the open door complaining loudly. She could be out the whole day and part of the evening and I was ok with it because I knew she was working. wanting to treat me special and I couldn’t even get out of bed the whole day to spend any time with her! I lost it and went flying out the bedroom to ask who the hell she was talking to! That was the start of another three hour battle. Why if I could allow her to do what she wanted and needed. There she was telling whoever was on the other side how badly I was treating her. I could hear every word she said through the closed bedroom door. jealous even of my children and my relationship with them. emotion fighting logic. Around and around the thoughts bounced. When she joined me in the room later we tried communicating once again but it had the same result. down on my knees worshiping the ground she walked on for what she was doing for me. she slid of the end of the bed because of the speed and momentum and her pyjamas being slippery. it was just four o’clock when she arrived home only to go out again. Sunday she had clients to see in Vereeniging for the diet and got up early to go through.
she’d followed me and when I turned knife in hand. She backed away not wanting to touch the knife. making slashing movements over my wrist. not wanting to stay. I was out! Free! Free to go and do what I wanted. attention seeking and a few choice other things. Silence! My mind was numb. take this and just do a good job! You are out to kill me anyway. and please could he come and unlock the door for me. no way to get out. Every now and then she would leave the room. Wait! There on the table was the landlord’s phone number! Corrie had written it on a piece of paper during the power failure on Friday night! I’d lost the number with my phone but she’d asked the neighbour who was also renting from him for the number. calling me stupid. I yanked open the cutlery drawer took out a long sharp knife. Now what? Go back to bed and wait for her to return? If and when she did. scared of leaving. then sent an sms to the landlord saying my housemate had accidentally taken both sets of house keys and I needed to go and do some shopping. you could see the fear in her eyes. With that she took her laptop that had all my work on. The landlord’s wife came around just as I’d finished. no safe home. where to go. to the bedroom. I packed my things into the car as soon as she’d gone. apologising for the inconvenience. She moved and took the knife from me. I sent her one to say I wouldn’t be there. when I get back we’ll sort this out” she said. not wanting to get too close to me. Not wanting to think anymore.to handle it now it was in my face and home every day? Did I even want to fight for me anymore? Wouldn’t it just be easier to give up on everything. “I’m going out now. locked the doors and left. I was locked in. but oh so tempted! By then I was sobbing. only to return a minute later to add “just one more thing”. I had less than a tank of petrol so I couldn’t go far. too scared to cut. taking essentials only. up and down I paced. I’d left. the keys. I packed fast. the bathroom. commit suicide and have it over and done with!? Why fight when there was nothing left to fight for? No car. not wanting to feel. no relationship that works…. the lounge and back to the room again. she froze. She put the knife back into the drawer then took both kitchen drawers out and locked them in the spare room. She sent me a few sms’s saying how much she loved me and wanted us to sort things out when she got back. There was a way out! Quickly I bathed. fear I would attack and stab her! “Here. both sets of keys with her. I felt so lost. The only one that knew some of what was Page 84 . I was sitting with my back up against the wall bracing myself for each new onslaught. why not make it fast instead of the slow verbal torture” I screamed. no job. My car wouldn’t take me far anyway with the damage from the hijacking. “Fine if you don’t want to them I shall”. enough to last a few days. I thanked her. she did a quick search for anything else she thought I may use to harm myself. Eventually I couldn’t take anymore and I leapt out of bed past her through to the kitchen. But what did I want? Where could I go? I didn’t have money it was locked in Corrie’s safe. how much more verbal abuse could I put up with before I snapped and did physically abuse her? What choice did I have though. who to talk to.
couldn’t go to my kids or family they had their own issues to deal with. I told her the basic facts of what had gone down. What now for me though? I had no money. I agreed. the moment she saw me it was obvious something was wrong. I gave very vague answers. just being in the moment. I drove to the Balfour shopping center and sat in the car for the next 3 hours. no job. What right did I have to turn to her after everything that had gone down between us? I needed to speak to someone though. I sms’d Arlene to see if I could email from my CV from her place.30 to say she was done and to meet her at the Keg. it made me realize how much I’d missed her on a physical level. then see if my sister would allow me to stay with her for a while until I could find another job. Danelle called around 3. the most obvious being I was out in public without any makeup.going down was Danelle. who wouldn’t just feel sorry for me. like ask Arlene if I could stay the night there at her place so I could get to the company I’d done the database for early. neither of us thinking ahead. As Danelle later said. the possibility of having my car repossessed. I couldn’t keep doing this! How could I ask someone to take me in when I had no money to pay them. then sitting in the street going through adverts for jobs. told me she was at the Quest office and would be able to meet me a bit later. which would make it more difficult to find work. That night we made love. only to be told there was no way she would allow me access until she got her things out. I couldn’t face going home. She asked me what I had in mind as to where I was going to go from there. She phoned me. Trying to figure out what I was to do. I sms’d Corrie to ask when could I get access to the house to fetch my money from the safe and other things that I needed. When I got to the company I’d done the database for it was only to find out they didn’t have the right version of the software needed to run the database! I left the CD there with them with instructions on what they needed to get. She picked up something in my voice at first but I assured her I would be fine and would wait till she was done. my friends all had their own lives and had been there for me so many times already. I sms’d her asking if she was available for coffee. I ended up buying a newspaper. not wanting to go inside or have people around me. When we got to her house and went to bed she held me close. someone who could give me advice. She must’ve been very concerned about the emotional and mental state I was in and asked if I would go home with her just for the night so I could rest and work on a plan without having the stress of worrying where I would sleep the night. Danelle left for work early the next morning and left the keys with me to be able to get in and out as I needed. It felt so good to feel safe and in her arms again. I felt dead inside and didn’t really want to talk but after some pressing from her. I was also in contact with my insurance company on and off to see what was Page 85 . so as to complete the job and finalise the payment.
this time I was told she was away till after the weekend and her niece had the keys. Halfway there we ended up having to stop and check what was going on with the wheels after two people along the road had indicated there was a problem. At GA that night my sharing made others stop and count their blessings! I contacted Corrie a few times over the next few days to get access to my house. Danelle had asked me to stay on for longer. I told her if they were having problems and needed people I was prepared to assist but she’d have to clear it with the office first. so I went back to the court to get another copy. After hearing my dilemma that afternoon Arlene gave me R200. Danelle in the meantime had explained my situation to the woman she was sharing a house with and she was perfectly ok with me being there. the lease was in my name and Corrie had no right to do what she was doing. although how I was going to pay everyone back I did not know. she was keeping that in lieu of the rent she had paid and she was still refusing to give me access to the house. at least until I had my home situation sorted out. The front tyre had just about worn through and you could see the metal wiring in the tyre! We debated going back versus pressing onto the training. she denied having keys or knowing where Corrie was. double that of the side of the road we were on. I sms’d Corrie once again. Corrie had told me she would not return any of the money that was left in the safe. When I called Maricka to confirm this. Not quite what I’d had in mind. The situation was ridiculous! I phoned my landlady then and explained what was happening. and I was scared it would compound the damage already done. very embarrassed to have to involve Page 86 . She called back very excited to say they were ok with me assisting as long as I wasn’t involved with both sets of seminars at the same time and that she had put my name down to full time assist. but then again I didn’t have anything else that was pressing to do that I wanted to say no either. which I would get. so I agreed. only after the things that had been sold had been collected. The training was that Tuesday. What a relief! At least now I could put some petrol in my car and buy some airtime for my phone. I met Danelle at her place later and gave her a lift to the course she was doing and I went to my GA meeting.happening with my claim as my car was making an awful scraping noise when driving. We set off in my car even though it was making noises still. so we carried on and after the training we drove to Arlene’s house around the corner and left the car there and caught a lift back home with one of the other assistants. I had been thinking part time. Now I didn’t have a car either! My situation was getting more desperate by the day. On Tuesday I realized I may need the protection order that had been in the car at the time of the hijacking. I had the protection order. after all. Danelle was getting frustrated that I was allowing Corrie so much power and not taking matters further. She mentioned they were battling to find enough assistants even for part time. Danelle came home early on Wednesday and offered to drive me through. Danelle was also at that time preparing to full time assist on the first set of seminars we had done. it was peak hour traffic and the cars headed back to where we had come from were bumper to bumper.
it was only to find out they’d gotten the wrong thing so it was only to be the following week that I could go back and then receive payment. the company I’d done the database for once again phoned to say they now had the software and could I come and install it. We went through with the court order in hand in case there was trouble. I understood. The lack of self confidence was starting to show in small ways. We didn’t hang around very long as we didn’t feel very safe. at least from an assisting point of view? It was great though to reconnect with some of the people I’d known before. was grateful for all the support I was getting and doing my best to relieve her of any pressure that I could. With the seminar taking place around the corner it was ideal to stay there. she would first have to prove they belonged to her. I packed the things I needed and we left. Corrie had been very quiet since I’d gotten control of the house. I had been made security supervisor for the weekend. Everyone had faith in her except her herself.her. Arlene in the meantime was going away that coming weekend and offered me her place to stay in for the duration. She was furious! I was told I had to respect the fact that the stuff had been sold and now belonged to someone else and if I didn’t she would ensure I was charged with theft! Possession is nine tenths of the law I replied. they also changed the locks! I let Corrie know the situation had now changed. had things changed and if so how much? Was I ready for the long hours and not being allowed to show emotion after having assisted on the other seminars where the approach was so much gentler. was she taking legal action or would she take matters into her own hands and attempt to break in? Danelle was also starting to feel the stress of being Assistant Supervisor at the seminar. She’d only ever full time assisted once. unless she returned with it. Things were changing for the better for me at least. frustrated and taking on the harshness she thought was necessary to get the job done. Upon arriving at the company. How ironic. here I was responsible for the safety of the seminar and it’s delegates! It had been over 8 months since I’d last assisted. or so it appeared. in that capacity. As for me. to the extent that I often didn’t say something and went along with things to keep the peace. at a time in my life when my own life was so upside down and unsafe. being back in that space was giving me very mixed feelings. when she knew what my views were. The landlady and her husband arrived shortly after and not only opened for me. what was left behind by her would be sold to cover the money she had taken (the safe and it’s contents were missing). to see the surprise on the one woman’s face to see me there. We were a very small assisting team but from a logistical point of view my team and I flew through the whole weekend! By Friday night we already had all the small jobs done and Page 87 . She was getting impatient. a position normally only done or given to someone who had experience in doing all of the jobs. so there was no knowing what was going on there. My insurance was also still stalling in getting my car repaired. On the Thursday. but I needed her to once again unlock the place for me.
this was the first time I had so many people come to me after and thank me personally for being there! All those that started on Friday saw the weekend through to the end. Fear! Change of direction. female side tightening thoughts through fear Longing for love. inner crying. of Stepping forward Runny. not recognizing Self worth. How apt for where I was in my life at that time! For all of that. On the Monday after the next session she said the requests were to be more challenging. By the Tuesday I’d had enough of the way and manner that she was speaking to me. Boy did that hurt! I left the room and went for a shower. and as part of that had asked me to play a “yes” game with her. I had encouraged her to do the seminars and Page 88 . fear of moving forward Ability to carry our experiences joyfully. Tension between Danelle and myself however was growing. That got me verbally attacked. I got a negative response. to work and to the course! She refused and proceeded to come up with all sorts of excuses. Looking them up after the weekend in Louise Hay’s book once again showed how accurate her comparisons or conclusions are: Left Side Spasms Aches Arms Upper back Colds Feet Nose Hips Shoulders : : : : : : : : : : receptivity. I told her if she didn’t I wouldn’t participate anymore. clean and organized! The hours and sheer physical work coupled with what was going down in my life though took a toll on my body. When I got back I sad down and told her exactly what I was thinking and feeling. had felt safe. such as go and eat something if she was neglecting herself etc. She was still doing her other course with the same people. not mine. meticulous. She had to say yes to everything I asked her to do. disorder understanding of ourselves. I’d done my job well. The first week I’d only asked her to do things that were for her own good. He set the tone for how the weekend went. of others. When I tried to talk to her about it. Stuffy. I was in pain for most of the weekend. she accused me of being just like her sister. I’d done security three times before. forever the harsh supervisor. I asked her to wear a mini skirt. fear of the future. after all it was her game. having encouraged her to do all this work on herself and now she had changed how suddenly I didn’t like it. asking for help. something that would be a stretch for her. How yes. longing to be held capacity and ability to hold the experiences of life lack of emotional support – feeling unloved too much going on at once.were ready for the rest of the weekend. Burdens. life. the seminar itself and most importantly the delegates and what they were going through really worked for me. One of the team was from the old school of assistants where everything had to be 100% perfect and clean. mental confusion.
it’s occurs to me how very little my partners have actually listened to what I’ve said when I talk to them rationally. At least now I had enough to get my car back when it was fixed and some to pay on the car installment. it’s only when things are at the point of me being in tears that they actually hear what I’m trying to say. Why is it I allow myself to be pushed that far each time? Why do they have to push me until they get an emotional response before they’ll see or hear that I do care and love them? With all of this going on. given the fact I didn’t have any money for rent. doing dishes etc. as it was it was not ready and I wanted to pack and organize Page 89 . Danelle had cleared with her landlady on what was happening and why I was still there. I also had to pay the excess on my far to get it fixed and month end was getting closer all the time. I’d taken to tidying up. petrol and food etc. paying something over to the bank so they wouldn’t repossess it. She’d spoken to her landlady who came through to the room to assure me she had no problem if I stayed on and that if there was any increase in the water and lights that would be all she would expect us to pay! The next thing was to organize place to store my things and to get packed. My car had finally been towed away from Arlene’s house and repairs had started but would take at least a week and a half by which time I had to finalise what I was going to do regarding my home. I was still looking for work and sending out my CV. That left me with a bit to use for my phone. Danelle repeated her offer. they would only agree to me staying one more week. Typing this up a few months down the line from my hand written notes. I picked up my temporary ID and got another copy of my credit card.yes I had pushed for her to put herself first. I phoned my landlady and asked if I could stay on for another two weeks. Arlene had agreed to send out emails for me to the addresses I gave her for the databases. My mother once again came to my rescue and paid R2000 into my account. Danelle had wanted to go away the weekend to a friend’s farm if my car was sorted out in time. but not enough for rent. As it was. or to see if I could stay on somehow. as was the choice whether or not to give notice on my home. This time they had the correct software and I received the balance that day. but never had I wanted her to turn into a hard steamroller that only ever thought of herself and to hell with anyone else! You can achieve all of the above without having to bulldoze your way through life. Eventually she heard what I was saying and things did improve after that. even if it meant using my deposit in lieu of rent. Danelle kept offering me a place to stay as did Arlene. During the day when there was nothing else to do. Once again I went to the company when they phoned regarding the database. how though would either of them handle the pressure of having me around long term with no income? Eventually I could postpone no longer. I battled to talk most of the time as I couldn’t help or stop my tears. stressing what I was going to do regarding my car. that when something is said and done with love it has a far greater and more positive effect and you can still achieve the same results of looking after yourself.
While we were there one of the guys mentioned the brunch that he was going to the next day. Eventually she decided to go to sleep. As far as I’m aware she still hasn’t and still carrying energy as to what or why she was suddenly excluded. watching TV and me in between. I continued to pack until around 2am after which I settled onto the bed and slept till the next morning. She had mentioned the night before that she’d been invited to brunch with some of her friends on Sunday so I’d gathered she wasn’t going to help with moving my things to storage either. I knew I was there to pack. On the move again… Page 90 . yet she chose not to say anything. one because I was packing and moving between rooms and the other I didn’t feel the need to talk about anything. They were mostly people I’d met through the first seminar. she was tired and just wanted to relax and wouldn’t be helping. Within that same week Sue. the last thing I was in the mood for was a party but I went along anyway. The couch didn’t want to fold down properly. yet she took the bedding off the bed and when I asked where I was supposed to sleep I got the answer. The more I said I didn’t need to talk. A number of times she asked me to talk to her but that was difficult. Not on the bed though. “on your own.my move. the very brunch Danelle had been invited to and then had been told had been cancelled! The person who’d organized it was also there. it wouldn’t be the last. I was just not in a very social mood. Danelle was in a strange mood that whole weekend. When we got to the house I started packing and Danelle settled on the couch. so it wasn’t like I didn’t know anyone. that Danelle was sharing the house with. it wasn’t the first time. After the packing. On the way to the party however she mentioned that the brunch has been cancelled. the more uptight she got. It was now Saturday and Danelle had been invited to a party that started at 2 so I finished off doing what had to be done before the time and got ready. on the couch. and Danelle was hurt about what was going down. There was no response. or whatever” and with that she settled down for the night. She made it clear that the packing etc was my “process”. I sent one last sms through to Corrie asking her once again to return my money and things and to collect her stuff before we went through to pack on the Friday. let Danelle know that her landlord had given her notice as he wanted to increase the rent and she couldn’t afford it.
there was a man that was known to be “not quite right” and had a liking for playing with children. he was the “funny man who liked kids”. a few minutes at most. he did like kids. He was talking as he moved closer and closer. He confronted the man and I remember sitting in the car watching them. The first sexual experience or game that I can recall happened around the age of 7 or 8. with a friend. He used to go to the club’s swimming pool a lot and I often saw him there. My friend has been talking to her on and off for the past year about sexual abuse she’d experienced as a child. bending under the water. something that was never discussed after. rubbing their bodies up and down. or if I was called to come in and play with. It was fun for a short while but not exciting enough for either of us to repeat and was quickly forgotten about. I knew it was “naughty” and something only adults did but I was sworn to secrecy. where I was told to wait in the car. It looked like fun and after being asked a few time to go and play with I did. She’s only recently been facing and dealing with the consequences thereof. I was walking home from a friend when a man working in his garage called me over. Around the same time.Sex and Sexuality I spent some time today at Childline. We were both naked and played with each others’ genitals. especially as I couldn’t say that he’d done any more than rub himself against me and made my bum feel burning hot. I knew I shouldn’t. I found out that day it was true. some 20 years later. I remember saying my mom would be looking for me and I had to go home and just about running all the way there! I told my mom what had happened and she told my father. I can’t recall who was the instigator of this. this time at her house. I do remember I was the one doing most of the touch though and even complaining that it wasn’t fair that she got to enjoy it all and I got nothing… Another time. This got me to thinking of my own childhood experiences. At 10 I was aware Page 91 . After some questions he bundled me into the car and had me point out the house. as well as my own sexual awakening and awareness and what impact it had had. if any on me. He was chatting away to me and moved up behind me. feeling really bad for having got the man into trouble with my Dad who was scary when he was angry. but I went anyway. I can’t recall whether I’d accidentally walked in. I recall him eventually being right up behind me. but it involved a couple of boys and one of my sisters in the garage. We were all warned to stay away from him. there was another incident with a girlfriend called Beverley. On the next mine that we moved to. Instinctively I knew something wasn’t right but was frozen. letting them climb on his shoulders and shooting them out of the water. It hadn’t lasted long. her of me. They were lying on top of each other. holding my waist as he rubbed himself up against me from side to side. it also took place in a garage. chatting to a counselor. One day he was playing with some of the kids in the pool. We were best friends.
As we were talking his hand started wandering. He did manage to maneuver into my panties. Would this be the right thing to do? Should she be allowed to live with whatever image she has in her own mind of what or who he is? None of the above experiences came across as being traumatic for me. I’d sleep with Page 92 . rubbing up and down. not her mother who was beaten up and threatened with death or myself and my other sister. they were merely deep secrets. I don’t think anyone of us have ever sat her down and told her of our experiences with him. as now. experiences I’d gone through but which had not really affected my sexual identity or self image. Were mine normal? Does this kind of thing happen to most kids? Was I better able to handle it mentally and emotionally than they were? Am I just fooling myself and was this part of my allowing it to happen because I didn’t love myself? Deep down I’d always felt I was pretty and attractive. I wanted and didn’t want what was happening. I’m not sure why. needing to prove to myself that the problem has been his problem and not mine. Once again I knew it was wrong and bad. yet I had. it was part of growing up what he was doing and it was our secret. When I eventually left him I slept with any and every man that came my way for the first two or three years. I knew I wasn’t supposed to go near him. The years spent with a man who physically turned his back on me time and time again. unable to believe that a man could find me sexually attractive. I was always being given compliments about my beautiful eyes. They were going to be married soon and he spent a lot of time at our house. I didn’t even always like the man I was with! Yet still. Years later talking to my other sister it turns out he’d also made moves on her. so I never told anyone. with some of the women I’ve been involved with. telling me it was ok. it was though also exciting. him holding my private parts whilst he helped me onto his shoulders each time it was my turn. I didn’t have more than beestings for breasts at that stage so he didn’t dawdle long on them. In those days the oldest three of us shared one room and my brother and youngest sister shared the other. I felt bad and excited at the same time. He came over to my bed and we chatted a bit. my experiences didn’t affect me as some of theirs have affected them. yet not realizing consciously what I was doing. At that stage my niece was staying with my mom and she had started talking about finding her father. She was pregnant by him so he was kind of accepted as family already. I was lying on my bed one afternoon reading when he came in. We were all against it yet thinking about it now. The next incident I recall happened when I was around 12. about the sexual abuse.enough to feel the slip of the hand between my legs. He was eventually sprawled on the bed next to me. him behind me with his back to the door. Did I believe this had happened because I was pretty? The reason I ask that is because of the devastating effect my first marriage had on my sexual psyche / self image later. me facing the wall. with my sister’s boyfriend.
I learnt that a person can have sex and enjoy it on a purely physical level. can involve your whole body. They couldn’t be more wrong! I had to learn to make love all over again with women. Most importantly though. no emotion. I learnt that sex can be fun. scars. body shape. I learnt that physical satisfaction is only half the prize. I learnt that women are able to have sex on a purely physical level contrary to the common belief of society that women have to have love or feel loved to enjoy sex. they love as you are. I didn’t turn to women because of sex. I have had a choice that many other people don’t or won’t allow themselves. age. If you love someone. Page 93 . because emotionally I didn’t trust men. I’ve experienced the best of both sexes and the worst. saw what I was becoming. They gave me an understanding of human sexuality beyond my years. a whore! During that phase though I learnt a few lessons that have helped me or stood me in good stead. I learnt how to be selfish enough to make sure I got physical satisfaction from the act. Eventually though I started losing respect for myself. not just the genitals. technique etc count for nothing. weight. On a sexual level I feel privileged to be bi-sexual as strange as that may sound. just a fantastic physical orgasm. and at the same time. not to be self conscious of what you look like. most people assumed I never enjoyed or connected with men on a physical level. that first prize is to be able to combine the act of making love with the emotional and mental connection with another human being. I learnt that your most powerful sexual tool is your mind! That when it comes to sex. They love you regardless of all of that.him just to show or prove to myself that I was able to turn a man on. or rather had become. stretch marks. After I changed my lifestyle as in my choice of partners from men to women. you name it mean nothing to the person that loves you. pimples. someone you love and are loved by. no love. I did so because of the emotions.
Also. Danelle was in a quandary as to what to do! Could she at this late stage break the agreement she had made or consent she had given to move with? Was it the right thing to do if she could see that she would not be happy with the deal? Would she be out of integrity with herself or with the Sue the most? We discussed it and I told her to take me out of the equation completely. what was my universe telling me? The rest of the day went fine and later that evening Danelle and I went out for supper. A call was made and a solution was offered. Your home. personal life. Someone had run out of petrol on the way and I went to assist him. They spend a day looking at all the assistants on an individual basis before the training even starts. to see what it looked like etc. that she needed to think of what would be best for herself in the long run. Two potentially explosive situations. as she’d agreed to assist on the second seminar which calls for one’s life to be totally in integrity. work and financial life has to be in order before you may assist. in the process I got petrol poured all over my hands. Later while we were working one of the gas bottles suddenly started to express the gas at a furious rate and in the process of it being taken outside in a hurry I got a blasted in the face with the gas that was rushing out. and still have the untidiness around her that she had not been happy with all along. boxes were obtained. as well as the weekend of setting up for the seminar. a bakkie was organised and we moved! The following day was the day to prepare the venue and I agreed to go and support Danelle with it. which in Danelle’s original agreement had said there was to be two. It’s strange how signs keep showing up in my life. move in with a group of other graduates on a month to month basis until something better comes along. that she rather needed to Page 94 . no bathroom of her own. The Thursday evening that we’d gone to look at the house we were supposed to have discussed the relationship between us. break the agreement and find a place where she would be comfortable. On Thursday we eventually went to see the house we were supposed to be moving to with Sue. one hers. With the choices having to be made regarding the move. whether or not we were going to go back into a relationship or leave things as they were for a while. The place was so tiny it wouldn’t have fitted in more than a double bed! The rent was also going to be more and there was only one bathroom. That Friday after having gone through to Pretoria about another database I met Danelle. I felt it unfair to ask her to talk about us. To move to a smaller space.CHOICES… AND THE CONSEQUENCES These last two days have been all about choices… those I make and those others make that affect me either directly or my emotions. It was made clear I would be going with. or. time was running out to decide and act. paying more rent. the other the Sue’s.
nervous. looking beautiful in the mini she was at last wearing. The next. so we agreed to postpone the talk. not for me even though I’d bought it for her! Later while cleaning up and sorting out wiring I went through a bucket looking for the extension wire for the TV that I wanted to feed through the vent. her waiting naked in bed in anticipation. with me lying on the floor almost breaking my foot! A dangerous situation where I could have easily done more damage. I was very tempted to make love to her. both exhausted from the move and the working on the seminar. I also did not want to feel used. She quickly came through and helped me to the room. waiting for me to come back and hoping to make love. I couldn’t tell him. I sms’d her to let her know where I was going so she wouldn’t worry and to tell her the washing was in the dryer. Saturday evening after supper we went home. “Angel where are you?” she called… I was in pain and not sure if I should laugh or cry… “On the floor”. Just after one o’clock I got a call. I just held her. the wiring had been done and that there was jungle oats in the tin for her for breakfast the next day. twice she ignored or chose not to answer me. I went off to the bathroom and on the way back slipped on fell.focus her energy on what she needed to do for herself in the next few days. I packed. She was being told to call me and cut off contact. good enough at times and not at others. not sure where to next. and asked me to please move out before they got back home! Twice I asked her if this is just for the duration of the training or permanent. Forever worrying about her and what she was going through! Writing this now I realise I didn’t even think of myself. so I chose not to make love. There I saw a shirt / blouse that I had bought for her that I’ve never see her wear. What now. Wondering what had gone down and what had been said. they have finished and she was on her way home. We giggled at the ridiculous situation. disappointed. Why? Because it would show she’s beautiful? Why is it / was it that other’s opinions of her are more important than what she wants. was not a good space for her. but I knew she would have so many things to work on and out over the next week or two with assisting and that there was a chance she would be told that I was not good for her. Danelle. fear! It was going to happen. That my being with her when we had just broken up. Hurt. put some ointment and a bandage on for me. My first thought was happiness. and what this was doing to me! Page 95 . She left the morning. She was crying. this though for other people. twisting my ankle quite badly! Danelle had in the meantime been lying in bed. I replied. excited. He was preparing a meal for everyone and wanted to know what time they would be back. thinks or feels? Why do I get denied recognition or the pleasure of seeing her in beautiful clothes looking gorgeous yet she’ll do that for others? Am I not important enough? One of the other’s guys’ boyfriends was also home that day and we had a long chat about the seminar etc.
I do believe the universe has a reason for all of this. My head is dead. living together. not sure how it can benefit the training if we feel this way about our lives Everything we do in life is a choice angel. I will choose again! I eventually fell asleep but awakened a number of times. I told them exactly where we are with each other. Something you have to work and live with. I respect that for what it is. Love you. my shit though that I have to deal with. Henry and Patrick no ok. Know you choose this. Friends. I was honest.I eventually got a call at 12h30 that night only to explain that I was definitely not to be there for the training and that she had been advised to break contact with me for a minimum of two years!!!! She was upset. Later we had the following sms conversation: D: L: D: L: D: L: D: L: Thank you for phoning this morning How are you feeling today? I’m ok. Worried she may oversleep I called to check if she was up yet. At 6.38 when I awoke again I sent her a good morning message to which I got no reply. wish you’d told them to fuck off though! Love you. Yes. you did it with Richard. just miss you terrible. Love you. Arlene and I continued chatting. but in RISING every time we fall”. There’s a lot of questions I didn’t ask. Carrying Henry after the chat we had yesterday. doesn’t hurt anymore. I know I’ve thrown a brick at you and that you are not happy. Love you That is so true. assisting is your choice as is doing what they asked you to. Page 96 . because I backed off when I got hit with all kinds of shit… Useless shit that I am! I’m sorry that I have hurt you and denied you the credit you deserve! It’s what you do. talked about a relationship but also looking at things first. crying and totally stressed out. I know why they ask you to do this doesn’t sit easy with me though and I wonder how honest you were about “us”. worried about you. this house is like a cemetery! We are all depressed. I sent her the following sms: L: D: L: D: “Our greatest GLORY is not in never falling. ignore and do what you must for you. still trying to make sense of what was happening. Have no number for Henry. but I obviously shouldn’t have been!!!! You tell them we’ve made love? That you had wanted to on Saturday night? How I supported you with issues from the seminars to your family etc? Lots of questions I know. Carrying a lot of stuff. emotional and feeling very heavy this morning. How are you? Tired. Love and miss you. She was still half asleep lying in bed. you family before. Please support then if you can. support each other. I know my worth. Love you. I carry you and love you! And yes. I have chosen to separate paths with you for the training and appreciate it that you understand. You are free to choose again if doesn’t work for you in the future.
it’s not work you should be walking out from. Page 97 . Maybe that is why you are being taken away from me this week. You will get your date. you’re putting me second to the seminar and other’s opinions. To clear your mind. ie denying me in your life or accept that it’s your process and don’t love yourself enough to love me? My thing of second best. Anyway I’ve now said what I wanted for every choice there is a consequence one must live with. That is why I’m fucked! I didn’t acknowledge you or even myself. can only ask you do what’s best for you. Your are number one! Not for you I’m not. I am going to. Integrity with yourself is most important. want to clear how I feel. In as many times as “we” were not working I never denied who and what you meant to me. I am having hell at work. I know. Thank you for loving me enough to let me choose for me. And thank you once again for the clothes. NOT me. Love you. Looking good more important than you? Not trying to make it hard for you. Is this what I want? Always to be put second to what you want or to allow it? Choices… Wake up sleeping beauty and smell the roses or the shit. do I allow you to keep denying me and what I am in your life? Do I make it ok for you to walk away when it’s not convenient and be there when it is and give support without appreciation or recognition. Do I trust you have learnt from what we have been through. I will see what choices I make if you go through with that. I just took what was thrown at me It also leave me with choices. Please I ask you not to make this harder than what it is. choices. At the point of walking out. We can look at it on Sunday and choose. but that’s your choice and I respect it. My opinion. this is exactly what I need to look at for ME right now. You are very angry. Just a suggestion because I LOVE YOU! You love but not enough to stand up and say so. Just don’t know what/how… I’m fucked! At the end of the day your choice I have no say in what you are doing. seminar people? That’s what I doubt My whole my ankle is blue! Is it fear of moving forward or is it I moved in the wrong direction and now bear the consequences. Pity I didn’t / may never get the date with my “Lang been meisie”. To who? Me or others? Are you prepared to admit that to the world and people that mean something like family. A whole other can of worms hey. to the extent I allowed that to be an issue with my other relationship. I want to acknowledge you for that. that’s the choice I see for you.L: D: L: D: L: D: L: D: L: L: L: L: D: L: D: L: D: I’m glad they found you beautiful in the clothes I got for you. I can see that. NOT the seminar. Maybe use the time to write about it. friends. Yes. Thank you for that.
you can give her the money. go. after that we’ll see. she still has choices to make. my love. Going to get a new number and move on. she spoke to one of the other assistants and is clear that I am not to be there for the training. about how she was and what had been happening in her day and what had gone down at work. Love you. You can’t love me. come go. she has told me she’s going to phone the Office and talk to them again. Time to take my power back. which I can’t change for you. I deserve better!! Arlene is working in Randburg this afternoon. You respect nothing. I will not allow this. I’ll break contact with you. Let’s leave it at that. and therefor the choices you make. scared that she’ll back down again if they insist we break contact. Had enough! You’ve made your choice. How do I feel? Proud of her for standing up to her boss and saying her truth for the first time ever! Glad that she’s seen what this is doing to both her and I. I love you except when I have to tell that to other people????? An easy way out for her to get to do what she wants without having to have honesty and integrity and actually admit to others I am here!!!! Page 98 . Where does that leave me once again? She is not prepared to clear it with the person or person’s who told her to send me away. I stopped her midstream and told her that’s exactly how I’d been feeling and that is what I have to stop from happening to me with her.. from there or even before that I need to make a choice for me…do I allow it to happen again if she does? Do I make it ok for her to put me second even if it goes against everything I know about her and everything we’ve been through together? I’ve just heard from her.L: D: L: D: L: L: You have no idea! I am not angry I am that lonely child once again who cannot rely on what someone says only on what they do! You are abandoning me because I’m not important. I deserve better!! I respect you for who you are. you are off the hook. what I mean to you etc. How she had stood up to her boss after he’d gone for her and thrown a box at her and one of her coworkers because he was stressed out. if you don’t love yourself. After that she phoned and we talked. What am I to her? A toy? Come. Respect is a puke word. How she told him she was prepared to walk out if he did that to her and she would not accept that kind of behaviour. being clear and honest about what’s going down between us and how she feels about what’s gone down and then it’s up to them. not me. That is just your opionion Angel. I am love… go and be beautiful. I still love you! Time to take my power back. I will organise to get the rest of my things. As things stand. I will not allow this.
Basically she was released from the training and was told that we would have to move out of the house for the 5 days that the training would take place on. While we were still talking the trainer phoned and she also told her exactly what she was feeling and admitted that she had not been totally open and honest with them on the Sunday. two for Lucy agreeing for us to stay with her and three for Arlene’s absolute acceptance and generosity in just saying yes when I needed a place. one for the welcome back by the housemates. She asked me to return to the house with her. yet she hadn’t even had the decency to phone me and tell me she was going to be late. She told me she wanted to chose me and not what they wanted her to do. When we got home that evening. So many moves in one week! Danelle was quite emotional.The tears choke my throat… the feelings rise… once again do I allow myself to be made second best?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Follow up: She asked me to meet her for a clearing. The following day I returned to Arlene’s to collect my clothes once again to go “home”. she would not be in integrity with the training. The message she was given from the trainer was that she was not to have any contact with me. not knowing for how long! What an ABUNDANCE I have in my life! Page 99 . She had let it be known that she was having a clearing with me. she was sad and angry about the training and life being so unstable for her. we were welcomed with open arms by the other housemates. after letting Arlene know what was happening. I was grateful. I was so angry I sent her an sms asking where was her integrity when it came to me! This was my life she was messing with and here she was phoning everyone else to let them know what was her choice. She had still not left the house. as for me. if she did. returning on the Sunday. about how she felt about me and the value I add to her life. I told her how I’d felt since receiving the call on Sunday. She eventually arrived 40 minutes late. After 15 minutes I called her to find out where she was. June had organized an alternative place for us to stay. We spent the next two nights as Lucy’s house and then went away for the weekend. First though I asked her to make sure it would be okay with everyone else in the house for me to be there.
I’d given Danelle phone number of places advertised in the paper that she could afford. June’s garden was enormous and beautiful.Tired to my very soul Today it’s exactly four months since I left my house in Kempton and with it the hope and dreams of ever reconciling with Corrie. I made a conscious choice not to be listed on the contract and that it would be Danelle’s house not mine. the rest barren. and only if she watched her spending on other things. From Page 100 . housework etc. I made it clear that she had to be sure she could afford it on her own. We’d had a discussion previously and I’d told her I realize how territorial I get when the place I’m staying belongs to me. We went that same night and found a lovely little wooden house on a plot. Each day I’d do a bit in the garden when I took things across to the house. We’d stayed on with June for a week or so. after which there were problems with her landlord about so many people in the house. as well as pots that were lying around unused. Things also took off in my business. with a lot of creepers etc and she gave me permission to take cuttings and some of the plants. I was home all day. feeling very insecure and not really wanted by both the people in the house and the rest of the people from the seminars. no plants no grass. It was quite expensive on Danelle’s salary alone. Where am I today? Sitting in my office in the home Danelle and I have been sharing for the last two months. She assured me she would be able to manage and did want me to go with. There were other places I could go to so she was not to take me into consideration at all with her decision. saying she was too busy and kept forgetting. was doing the garden. I took what we needed out of storage from my things and Danelle brought all her stuff that was in storage with Debbie. After the initial move though she stopped doing much. There was no guarantee I would find employment. but she hadn’t made an effort to call them. When will I find a place that is safe? When will there be some stability in my life again? Some days it feels like it’ll never happen. she’d only just be able to manage the payments. The garden was only hard ground. June got home one afternoon and she came to talk to me. I am just so tired. I didn’t want her stressing out about having to “look” after me financially as well as herself. Danelle’s moods were also up and down. I called Danelle who then started phoning. So much has gone down. I started moving things across the next week. At the end of that month we moved in. in my life. between us. She told me that we could only stay to the end of the month. only a tree in the back garden. When it came to moving in I stood back whilst she arranged the place the way she wanted it to be. She managed to borrow money from her sister and I gave her what I had left in the bank to secure a deposit and first months rent.
Time to withdraw support? Time to withdraw from relationship? Relationship a farce… no love or loving happening… no music even though I’m pressing the right buttons!! Run myself ragged supporting time. no support as in my supervisors did not even know I was supervisor to Time Music a reflection of the disharmony in my life – my speaking (speakers are loud). her job or quest is where she wants to shine. internal decorum. We assisted once more on a seminar in which I did music. especially if looking good or their FLOP is still running their life strongly.having no income I was suddenly swamped with work. she was making coffee anyway. song is setup correctly. Music – Disharmony! No Angel Cards – no support. only ever growls lately. Just because I am supportive. Do not expect because you support your nearest and dearest that they will support you. By the end of the weekend we’d both been through our own hell. doesn’t spend any time with me. Danelle in being there as an assistant just because she asked me to. and which might explain some of my emotions at the time. Page 101 . I left Danelle to her own devices for the most part. STOP LOOK CORRECT TAKE ACTION! Why is she in a relationship with me if she’s always tired when she gets home. Quest. What am I to her? Where do I fit in? Am I just there to make life more comfortable and to make her look good? She wants my support and yet when I give it says she doesn’t need me for anything. which I’ll add in here. do not assume it’s seen or appreciated in fact most likely taking away from the other person’s experience of learning how to deal with their own fuck ups. I wrote a bit on the Friday night. and yet when I ask for coffee I get told “no special treatment” just because we are in a relationship?!! Would she have supported any of the other assistants that were so busy or is it just me because we were told no relationships on Quest? Wasn’t expecting special treatment. if she didn’t want to do anything I let her be and got on with what had to be done. That meant long hours at the computer but it also meant there was money to buy what we needed for the house to make it comfortable for us. pushing right buttons yet they just jump to another place! (CD jumping) – I speak up in my relationship with Danelle and yet we are on two different wave lengths. kitchen. from Buddy. Either she doesn’t hear or doesn’t want to hear me.
In all the time the delegate and I had been busy. and done the same to Sue after making agreements she breaks them. Is that because I’m not using my voice and pointing it out to her??? She agreed to move house with Sue. Richard – lack of trust of his assistant team. By Sunday I ended up having an emotional breakdown which had never happened on a seminar that I’d assisted on before. supporting me. They concentrate on small things like the matchstick game and dyad at training and when it comes to the actual jobs. She should’ve gone immediately before agreeing! Then she said Sue could keep the mattress etc until she needed them which wouldn’t be in the near future. then changed her mind because her sister needed them. creates confusion because he’s not clear on where to draw the line on his responsibilities and his assistant supervisor’s. Discussing it with Danelle later though we both had a better understanding of where we were and what was happening. watching my every move and following my lead. I was the very last to leave the hall. that is her job as assistant supervisor. The rest of the delegates that had come there had lost interest quickly and drifted away again. What can I do? Either withdraw and destroy the “game” completely or keep on doing what I know is right for me and continue to speak up when I see something whether or not they choose to do something about it. When she did speak up it was saying she supporting me by sorting out the issues with Time and myself.She has withdrawn support from her sister a number of times the last two months. or so I thought. Now people are breaking agreements with her / Quest as far as assisting or supporting on setup and breakdown and yet she doesn’t see it’s a reflection of what she does. then he wants to explain how a stop watch works in the hall whilst the seminar is taking place???!!! He constantly runs to all the supervisors double checking and telling them what to do next when it is in the manual AND Danelle has already checked. have no expectations. I attempt to make it easy for her and pay the outstanding money to get her stuff. that is not supporting me. I nagged for weeks for us to go and look at the place. Page 102 . then she gets angry because Sue won’t take her word for it that she will pay the money owed on water and lights. to make sure that all the assistants are doing their job and to sort out any problems the assistants may or may not be having regarding the chain of authority / clarity of duties. Withdrawing my support and not telling her why will also not help because then she will just see this as me being petty and taking it out on her for not making me coffee. there was one delegate only. Twice Sue thought Danelle could be trusted on her word only for Danelle to show her she can’t be trusted. what would her lesson be then? That it’s ok to keep changing her mind and her agreements? She won’t learn then and because I don’t voice what I see in assistants dropping off as a reflection she will learn even less and only see it as other people’s failures. Her interpretation of what she saw happening was very different to what I was going through whilst sitting there. Creates disharmony! Shit music!!! On the Saturday. from Danelle all the way down. very little training or clarity is given. Danelle was watching from the door. she left it till last minute then when she saw the size pulled out.
coming home going off to bed early more often than not. I’d also had a discussion with Carina in which she couldn’t understand how my life could be so “chaotic” and yet I said I was better than I’d ever been. During the time with June there was also an incident that brought reality and unreality in perspective for me. That even though to others it may look like not much is happening I know what I’m doing and what they see as reality is not my reality. I was hurt. The supervisor phoned me and asked me to not assist full time. Danelle and I had been parked outside the gate around eleven at night waiting for them to return from the seminar when a car came down the road behind us very slowly. a home. Things got a bit better after that. working. How could I give everything away in my life and yet be ok. Danelle was panicked too and told me to get out of there. it felt like hours! When I looked to see what was happening at the other car. me busy with building up the business. the door was open and a young black woman had climbed out. I just had to keep doing what I was doing so as to get where I need to be. making the space we lived in comfortable. going forward I maneuvered the car out eventually. The assisting on the seminars however ended that month. be it washing or dishes or cooking. that day I’d been cool. it took me giving everything and everyone up for me to find myself and that had brought me the peace I’d never had before. She started cooking again and doing some of the things around the house. reversing.My Saturday process had shown me that I didn’t need support. Danelle also caught sight of them. an intercom pole belonging to the neighbours on my left. I was buying all this stuff for the house and garden and not allowing her to contribute (she couldn’t afford it). my heart to beat normal and my breathing to go back to normal. I so didn’t want to give my car away again! I kept fumbling trying to get the car into gear. How often don’t we go into effect by something we think may happen and then it actually isn’t or doesn’t? Anyway. By this time my heart was pounding. Nothing was amiss. this was Page 103 . Danelle. I never left her with anything to do. (reality). after all of the above. but told her if she’d maybe make an effort to show some interest then I wouldn’t have to do it all. She exploded one night and went off at me for what I was doing. as it was black people in the car. I was doing what I had to do for me. calm and collected yet here with just the perceived danger I’d gone into fight or flight mode (unreality). Like I told her. There was a wall on my right side. A man walked her to the gate to say goodnight and make sure she was ok! They’d simply been dropping someone off! Here I was in a state as I’d assumed I was going to be hijacked! It took at least 20 minutes to calm down. None of this had happened the day I’d actually been hijacked. In the last few months we’ve had a number of disagreements. somewhere where we could both get rest and feel safe. They turned the corner and parked behind us. stopping. The first was when she had had enough of my doing things. I was watching it in my rearview mirror. there Danelle and I were sharing a house.
One of the team had decided I should also be present as I noticed things and spoke up where others were either blind to what was happening or too scared to say anything. Saturday before going to Pretoria for her church thing I got told that the minister didn’t know we were in a relationship. I’d never come up in discussions with the minister. Even though they’d originally been approached to assist full time for six months with a view of having a team that could and would make any changes that needed to be made. I was told later down the line that he’d given Danelle a hard time each month about me being there and the relationship between us. people were already being seated. Somewhere along the line. Just because he doesn’t want me there doesn’t mean I’ll stay away. It had become very apparent at the last one that he was so scared of making a mistake or not looking good that he was not prepared to take any risks whatsoever. seated me with her family and then went to the Page 104 . giving her life to her God and Church. although I did consider going anyway just to prove a point. I was her girlfriend. She was very upset when I tried talking to her about it. Danelle and I had discussed things and he felt I was very negative and he obviously didn’t like being told in clearings what hadn’t worked for me. When we got to the church on Sunday. He’d cancelled the get together. this without talking to her first. A meeting had been arranged between some of the team that had agreed to full time assist. he was not prepared to make any in case of looking bad. We were each caught up with our own lives and issues. “leading the way”. Once again I didn’t exist in her life when it came to other areas. to sort out issues that kept cropping up. The weekend before that I’d bought her clothes as she wanted a new outfit and had called from the shops all depressed because she couldn’t afford anything. My business however was keeping me busy so I would have just ended up putting more pressure on myself. she walked in front. The reason she’d been told to ask me to move out was also because some of the people believed I am abusive towards Danelle and not good for her. she didn’t have to go advertising that to anyone. She said she’d seen something in Mr Price.his choice not the office that ran it. The clothes were supposedly to look good for me that night as we were going out dancing. She continued going to Pretoria to do her Sunday School classes and the day came that she was to be formally acknowledged in church as a member. That afternoon I found out she’d once again used her credit cards and also bought other clothes and a new watch. even though she’d gone through in my car each week and he’d walked her out afterwards. He also chose to take Danelle off as Assistant Supervisor and put her onto one of the other duties. I told her to get it and I would pay. why did I constantly feel the need for acknowledgement. communication between Danelle and myself broke down and we stopped doing clearings. When he’d spoken to me I’d told him I was too busy to full time assist anyway. It was my issue. She was upset about it and eventually phoned and told him she was withdrawing from the assisting.
We drifted along like that for the next few weeks. why didn’t I just go down and claim my place next to her as her girlfriend. she’d told me after a few days she’d already done 200. others were chatting at the back. We later went for lunch with her family. After two and half weeks and much asking I’d only got a small section she’d completed back from her. there were over 2000 CV’s to be captured. About four weeks ago my business died down again completely. This was putting a lot of pressure on Arlene. I chose to go outside and wait there. having to either find someone to sit with her or stress while she’s at work if her mom’s coping as she cannot even get to the Page 105 . How does one do that when it feels like it’s the last thing in the world she wants to acknowledge? Why should I do that? If she loved me as she says she does and wants to be with me surely she should be proud enough to want to introduce me or even talk about me to others? I eventually stopped talking to her and just let it go. One of the shifts was Saturday from 1 till 6. You go in when needed. There has been no new work coming in at all. I eventually had to face facts though after I’d had to cancel appointments with the client because she’d not sent me the stuff. She did come looking for me at one stage. who ended up either running between work and the hospital or when her mom is home. I wasn’t getting anywhere with it anyway. another was from 1 till 10. I told her to go back inside I was having a smoke and ok. She either didn’t understand or didn’t want to hear and just got angry when I did try and talk to her. They are not normal 9 to 5. She has fallen at home a number of times and ended up in hospital. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I asked her to please return the difference of money I’d paid her in advance. Arlene once again came to my aid and trained me up to do autocue for TV productions as she was getting busy and couldn’t always keep up with the demand. The rest of the time she either snapped at me went to bed early so there was no discussions. One thing about that kind of work is the hours. When I did try and talk to her the next night. After it was done. the hours varying from 3 hour shifts to 10 hour shifts. which was extended to 11 o’clock at night. When it’d been so busy I’d given part of it across to my sister to do and paid her half up front. I was quiet and withdrawn most of the time and she kept on asking what was wrong. As it was I received 50 from her. I wasn’t supposed to exist. it was money coming in at least. I was booked on 3 events for the month. I didn’t know how to say what I wanted and knew it wouldn’t be well received anyway so I said nothing. the minister was down in front chatting to her and the others. some of her family went down to talk to her. explaining how I’d felt I got told it was my problem. In that time I’d been quiet for two weeks already and would’ve been able to do some myself.front. however I didn’t want to take away what I’d given her as she was also battling. The only time she really talked nicely to me was when she wanted to go out for supper or something. Arlene had been going through a hard time with her mother not being well.
He beat me to death.. The Friday before. Later I went to get my email at the internet café and I received the following: We had our first argument last night. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.toilet or bathroom on her own anymore. It seemed like a nightmare. not sure where she stood with them. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. eventually exploding and saying maybe it was payback time for her. She was feeling insecure and that was brought home. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today. no goodnight nothing. If I leave him. she just lost it. I couldn't believe it was real. and was upset when I finished something I was doing before I started eating. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said. She had talked about some things briefly.. I got flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. told me my “advice” was all about me and nothing about her.. Last night. it was much worse than all the other times. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him.. Last night. We both needed a break from the normal circumstances and needed someone just to air our problems to. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. he beat me up again. She went from exploding because she wasn’t getting a banana bread recipe right and asking how I could want to be with such a “fucked up person” to eventually just going off to bed. In her not acknowledging me maybe this was the universe’s way of getting back at her. Danelle had been in a particularly bad mood. No talking to her calmed her down. and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. She was cooking but ended up banging and swearing the whole time. I would not have gotten flowers today. She didn’t want to eat. The next morning she made breakfast for me with hearts made from scrambled egg.because he sent me flowers today. Page 106 .. She was called a Manager and expected to perform as a Manager and yet when the management team went away for a weekend to sort out issues in the company she was not invited. what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. he finally killed me.. It was the day of my funeral. After the first shift together we went for a quick drink afterwards. She was battling at work.
food in my stomach. the time she got to know me was actually the way I’d Page 107 . she wanted to know what we were going to do. but didn’t stay very long. someone who’s sharing her home with me. How she wanted a relationship with me more than anything else and was prepared to do whatever it took to have that. We went out Friday. She’d apparently had a long look at herself. Did I want to be in a relationship with her? Did I want to go out and be seen with her and do things? I’d withdrawn socially and let her go out and do her thing. How I was withdrawing. I told her that was the way I’d been most of my life. She started demanding answers. No. with things that are not even under my control it’s me who bears the brunt of things. Do heart shaped scrambled eggs make up for her behaviour the night before? Is she the only one that has stress? I don’t take my stress out on her. She asked me if I thought she was capable of sorting herself out. At the end of the discussion we went back into a relationship. water the plants. I do what I can. do what needs to be done around the house. It was the housewarming of one of my inquest group. every day I do CV’s collect email. either because I was busy or because I didn’t feel like company. washing whatever. She wanted to join Arlene who was going out to play pool with her sister. Once home we talked a bit. Every evening I stop what I’m doing when she gets home to spend time with her. After being there for a while I’d said all I’d wanted to say to them. allowing me to stay. The next day I spent in my office. seen some things and wanted to work on “us”. She said she’d realized where she was going wrong at work. got dressed and went out on her own. The Thursday she sent an sms asking if we could talk. I’d had faith in so many people before.It got me thinking to my own situation. What do I get? I have a roof over my head. I can only answer for what I do. This is not what I went into a relationship for. carrying stuff that weren’t her responsibility and how she allowed that to mess up the rest of her life. but at what cost? When I got home after the drink with Arlene. I did not want to be in “this” relationship. She got up. didn’t want to think or feel so took a sleeping tablet and went to bed early. dishes. No. I gave her one. The next few days went by with little to no talking. including myself only to be let down. I’ve never been particularly good in crowds and so I asked her if we could leave. her sister came around and the two of them were in the lounge and kitchen most of the day. she doesn’t physically abuse me but verbally? Every time things don’t go her way. I couldn’t answer that. not wanting to go out and uncomfortable with people when we did. Danelle saying how she saw a change in me from when we’d first me. I hadn’t been sleeping that well. By that time it was after 9 though and I didn’t think Arlene would be out late because of her mother. I kept as far out of their way as I could. She went out on the Wednesday night again.
dishes and sponged the carpet down to get all the dirty marks off it. That evening I spent on the couch going through the papers looking for email addresses to send off for the databases. Later it was decided to go for drinks after work. Just the previous week she’d told me I had to get out. then again who am I to judge when I’d fallen as far as gambling was concerned. no business for me. Danelle going to work. When I let her know all hell broke lose! Sms’s starting flying back and forth. I carried on with the CV’s. The last of my money went to taking him to be seen to. That night we spent about half an hour after the show in the casino. I told her to enjoy and not stay out too late. Because we’d fallen though didn’t mean it had to stay that way and we couldn’t sort it out. In morning I worked a bit. I know I’d doing what I can. that it was unhealthy for me to spend so much Page 108 . I let him out and left to do email at the internet café and then for work. In some ways I know the not having a fixed income is getting to me. We had discussed it.learnt to be and not the way I’d always been. Danelle on Wednesday. Arlene tried calling her but she ignored the phone. When I returned home. In the previous two weeks I’d been that frustrated I’d gone to Monte Casino one afternoon. Both of us were broke though so we didn’t stay long. Danelle went off to bed early night to read for a bit. only to find out it had been changed to 11 as was all future calls. That evening the cat got home we saw he had an abscess on his face that was all swollen up. did the dishes and left two pans in the sink to soak whilst I took the cat back to the vet for a checkup. even if it was to go and read the newspaper at a café. I guess what I need to say here is the show was at a casino. why was I doing this. I let Danelle know the time change as soon as I was told. she was pouring bath water for me. and not to wait up for me. We’d both let ourselves down and gone back to primary behaviour of messing ourselves up. have lunch and later to a show. The time I’d been given was from 1 till 10. Saturday we spent at home and Sunday we went off to Germiston to visit Danelle’s ex. She sms’d later to say she was going out with her ex sister in law for chat and catch up. She then started smsing Arlene asking what she had that made me want to go out with her and yet I didn’t want to go out when she asked me to. I was booked to work on a program on Thursday. I was disappointed and I guess a bit worried about her drinking again. The Saturday and Wednesday that Danelle had gone out she’d also had alcohol to drink. and one day she’d share some stuff with her about me. Danelle didn’t have money for a vet so we phoned to see how much was available on my credit card’s budget section. and how they see it as not much. During one of the music breaks I called and she also didn’t answer. I did the washing. I cooked on Tuesday. I’d told her the shifts were extended “in future” she hadn’t thought it meant tonight. just the CV’s. I guess I just wonder what they must think. Rather. it gets difficult when people ask what I’m up to. The next week was business as usual.
How I hadn’t even bothered to do anything in the house. when I did tell her I was going out for one drink it was suddenly a major issue! I’ve never told her not to go places. The discussion did not go well. consideration. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who’s open to hearing what I have to say. or that I was with Arlene. so I stayed out till around 2am. I want to learn how to hang onto my money and not spend in on things for her or us hoping it’ll make life easier for us. The last thing I wanted to do! We ended up fighting again. and giving as I give her. From there it went downhill. she was doing her share and more and was tired of it. Why she thinks Arlene doesn’t know is beyond me. her going leaving the office.time at home. a safe place for me to go to. saying tonight was the night I was to make up my mind what I wanted and I would give her answers or else. lots but I chose not to say anything as it gets me nowhere. I sent her an sms asking her to please come straight home so we could talk about her tantrum I wanted an explanation. How I must think she’s a **** and did I want to continue this relationship or not. I said yes. She couldn’t answer why she felt the need to tell Arlene she’d have things to tell her one day. How I never had anything good to say about her. She was asleep when I got home and she left early the next morning for work. I want to ease her stress and be a safe place for her to come home to. After a while she wanted to know if I didn’t have anything to say. I got a terse “k” in reply. I want more than anything else peace in my life! I want to watch my flowers grow. I went through to my office and continued working. how last week she’d said she didn’t want to be back discussing the same problems over again. I want a partner who is open about having a Page 109 . I want her to share her thoughts and feelings with me. I didn’t bother going home early. never stopped her and yet this is the way she reacted when I want to go out?? When I told her I was disappointed in her behaviour and how dare she treat me like that I was told what I give is what I get. love and be loved. it had nothing to do with the fact that I was working. I want to be treated with the same love. it was that I didn’t want to go out with her and yet I went out with others. What I want? Does it matter what I say or do if I’m not going to get it anyway? I eventually went and sat in the lounge after she’d been in and out a few times asking me to talk. tantrums etc won’t be able to harm me. she was angry anyway. and besides which it’s what she expects me to do so she must too. I want to be appreciated and appreciate my partner in turn. Basically it was a threat to tell Arlene all I’d said about her to Danelle. Now. where her moods. Or else what? What would I like to do? I’d like my own place. I don’t want to talk. I want to earn enough money not to be dependent on her. Later that morning I got an sms apologizing saying she’d been out of line and would I accept her apology. I didn’t reply. I was told she was not jealous of Arlene. I don’t want to give her any more ammunition to throw in my face the moment she feels threatened. I kept quiet once she started getting abusive. I want my business to work. When she got home I stopped working and went to sit in the lounge. She came in after a while. looking for a hug.
having used my last bit to sort out the cat because I didn’t want to see her any more stressed than she already was. As for me… I don’t know either. if nothing else so I could end my book off on a positive note. I know I’m not perfect. I ran because I wanted to save me… what’s left now? What was the point of running. what now? Last night I was told to stop acting like a victim. I never have been. I take full responsibility for what I’ve done to me. I was asked did I enjoy doing and feeling like this. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen though. both of times we’d been together as well a some of the things Corrie had done. Am I a victim? If I am it’s of my own ability to get myself into this type of relationship. who will treat her like the beautiful woman she is. but fuck I don’t deserve this either! I shut down. I want to sleep. I am tired. So much of what is happening is like a nightmarish repeat. tired of battling. I am my own worst enemy! I am a victim of having an unfailing belief in that maybe if I do the right things I can make a difference in someone’s life. Right now though. There is a chance I wouldn’t have gone and gambled again. Some things she will have to learn. no one goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting someone or being abusive. I’m dying inside anyway. so many tears… the time is not Page 110 . Am I her victim? No. She deserves someone who can believe in her. Four months ago I ran from Corrie. Like I explained to her.. when. She’s gone out now. if it’ll happen at all I don’t know. tired of not being heard. She asked me during our discussion last week if I thought she purposely behaved the way she did and got abusive. I allowed her words to hurt me. First myself and then Danelle. the threats to “expose” what I’d said in confidence to those I was talking about. Hell I feel like I’ve given up on me! I went to bed early. to talk. not knowing where to. fact was though it had happened. we are adults and should be able to discuss things. I’d wanted to. With who. asked if I’ve finally given up on her. fact is it’s happening.. the feeling of being trapped. I know if I’d thought that I’d ever be abusive to Corrie I wouldn’t have been with her. No I don’t think this is the way she wants things to go.relationship with me and not to be kept secret like a dirty thing that she is ashamed of. I feel I’ve failed. her behaviour to cause me to withdraw. however I refuse to take responsibility for what she’s doing to herself! When things were going well I didn’t have time to write. I got myself into the situation of not having any money. If she so badly wants to be happy and I’m not doing it for her why not just tell me and get it over with. She noticed. like it was for us in the beginning… which I don’t seem to do for her anymore. so much of my life sounds so chronically depressing! So much unhappiness. tired of abuse. Do I invite this type of behaviour? I know Danelle’s not happy with me. There is a high chance she wouldn’t have had that first drink again. If I hadn’t come to her four months ago who knows where she’d be. Physical beauty alone though will not do it…. That if I am there for someone they will see what is on offer and thereby also learn to love themselves if not me.
right yet though it seems. I have yet to reach the finale… or is it only in story books that there’s a “happy ever after?” Page 111 .
taking my PC with so I could at least get some work done. Only once she’d gone into the room to dress for dancing and I asked her brother’s girlfriend did I get the answer. make her comfortable to write for nothing! I went back outside to continue in the garden in an attempt to keep busy and not get upset whilst she got ready to go out. No sooner had she finished though than she wanted to go to her brother. I saw this as a good sign so by Tuesday I was back home again. if she choose to then I won’t be there when she gets back. She wasn’t interested. Danelle and I had sent a lot of sms’s back and forth since I’d left and she offered to organize counseling for both of us with Lifeline.Weeding my Garden – the fight to find balance The battle with Danelle and her drinking continued unabated for a while. emptied her ashtray. I had to be back for appointments so I arranged to stay with Anita for a few days when I got back to Johannesburg. closing the door behind me. When I asked if she’d been drinking she waved away the question. in two less weeks we were either fighting or not talking. It was the last thing I was in the mood for. Page 112 . her going out to do her own thing and me off at the Casino so as not to have to sit and wait wondering what she was up to. I went through to my mom for the weekend. Next moment I just lost it and threw the garden tools aside! I went back in and invited Anita to the picnic I had promised her to take Danelle to the following day. she wanted to be a social drinker regardless of history or promises One Saturday she started writing her story of abuse. One evening we long talk where I kept asking her to go and reread all her things from rehab etc and see why she’d given up alcohol in the first place. She arrived late from her brother with him and his girlfriend in tow. Realization: I have been weeding the wrong garden! To have the fun and happiness I deserve I need to rid my life of the weeds that threaten to take the good away. She wanted it all. They’d arranged to watch Rugby and I was told I’m not invited as I make a scene whenever she goes somewhere. I asked her not to go. She’d spent the day with them and now wanted to go out dancing. I went to the room. While she was busy I went out into the garden and started weeding. She chose to go anyway. Her reasoning was her life had changed that much with the courses etc that she didn’t think she’d have a problem. there is no reasoning with her. I’d made coffee. Things didn’t last for long though.
I sent out an sms looking for a room to hire. only just stopping in time when I kept shaking my head asking her what she was doing! Arlene called in the middle of it. how I keep making a mess. She had no one left because of me. She’d gone to the social but none of her friends had shown up so there had only been her brother and his girlfriend and friends of theirs. which soon turned to how her Inquest group thought it was disgusting what I was doing to her. I then got told to take all or else – organize a bakkie. I once again asked if she’d reconsider as they were mostly friends from her past. verbal abuse like being told I was fucking useless when she couldn’t find her Tshirt etc I finally had enough. That night was a complete shambles. No more procrastinating. how everyone tells her I’m no good. Action is called for. On Sunday I went back home to go and pick up my things.) After that she tried the sweet talk – help I’d given. she didn’t. The whole time she’s talking all I was aware of was her alcohol breath! The browbeating continued. On the way home from my shift I picked up boxes and packed. Page 113 . from being locked in. to a physical attack. As it turned out on the Tuesday while working a 13 hour shift a number of nasty sms started flying back and forth. in each other’s faces. (She’d called Arlene & Leslie that I’m aware of. Things kept going like this and after another round of fights.The following weekend Danelle told me she had plans with her friends and her brother that she couldn’t. to be here now. fighting the urge to take her and shake her! I couldn’t handle the thought of being there worrying and having to deal with her when she got back to so went to Arlene’s for the night. Venture out of your comfort zone. her throwing things at me. demanding I give her money for having stayed there. Angel – Decision Angels are calling you to make an important decision in your life. drinking. Then having me up against the cupboard. before she and I met – her old drinking buddies. after which she said “none of your friends prepared to help you”. With a lot of promises she once again persuaded me to try again. To her this was proof that they obviously hadn’t cared. We had a long talk. I asked to please phone the cops. She made a few calls. or wouldn’t cancel. She wanted to know when I was moving. Within 5 minutes I got a call from one of my inquest group that had a room available and I organized to move the next weekend. she’d lost everyone because she’d fought to defend me. clearing with brother. I was eventually backed up against the wall and hung on there for dear life. threatening to lock me out if I didn’t meet her and pay her. This soon led to another fight.
I stood with her through the procedure. she didn’t trust herself. I gave Leslie notice that I’d be moving out. In this time I met with someone that gave me a book to read. She asked me to go with her to her church minister in Pretoria as he has experience in counseling. there had been an evening she’d driven home early hours of morning drunk. To keep busy I started sewing my jacket – determined I would mend my life too – No More! The following morning I moved my things back into storage and stayed with Anita until the weekend move to my room at Leslie’s. On Sunday she sms’d she’s getting “courage”. Her drinking was out of control. I insisted she meet me halfway. After. Staying with Leslie was turning into a bit of a problem. “Women who love too much”. I do smoke heavily though compared to her and after being there a week or two the smell of smoke was getting to her. feeling good about being around them and with them. One of the hardest things for me to do was leaving her alone at home when we got back and going back to my room. There was still a lot of contact with her even though I’d moved out. she didn’t want to be home alone. but it could only be done on the Friday as she had to be sober 24 hrs. another night she couldn’t remember how she gotten home had to go check if her car was there. I stayed on couch. I respected the fact it was her home so chose to start looking for alternative accommodation. He organised an antibuse implant for her. and ended up on middle man with her car. it was something I felt I had to do though. Within two weeks she sms’d begging for help. I so wanted to smash it over her head! I left. I used to believe that too. something I hadn’t seen and experienced with Danelle for a long time. There were so many similarities with a number of my relationships. she wants me to go over to talk to me.Eventually she went to bed and told me to go too. With Danelle she was always going on about how “beautiful” she is. I still couldn’t go anywhere as the door was locked. The contrast was also huge between how I felt spending time with others. We are both smokers. She comes across to a nearby pub but then wouldn’t as it’s in public. There were five days between end of Page 114 . I told her I’d had work to do and was wasting my time at which she got angry and ordered a beer. She stayed there until Friday when we go through to Pretoria. I was so used to supporting her emotionally. I agreed but told her but if it’s a waste of my time I’ll send her the bill at an hourly rate. so I gave her keys to Lesley’s place to go to after work and give her things to type to keep her busy while I’m at work. having someone appreciate the way you look and who thinks you are great was really wonderful. True Beauty though is something that radiates from the inside. Around the end of the month Arlene asked if I wanted to house sit the same place as the previous year.
month and house sitting job. Danelle invited me to stay at her place and I accepted.. Numerous people told me I was making a mistake, I wasn’t too sure myself but think it’s only 5 days… The people I was to house sit for though didn’t leave for holiday till 20 days later!! In that time I had to mentally stop myself cleaning or doing garden whilst there, I kept reminding myself it’s not my home or job. On the 20th December I was shopping in Northgate when I got stung by bee. I immediately called her to come help and be with me as I’m not sure if I’ll lose consciousness as I had the previous time. Her first reaction was “Go to Dischem”. I explained I wouldn’t make it as it’s too far and I need to stand still to keep the poison from moving fast. She got there and we got into her car and by the time we drove around the center to Dischem I couldn’t breathe properly. At first she parked at the far end of parking lot I told her to pull up in emergency there is no time! She left to find someone to help but all she was given was a anti histemine tablet. By this time the sweat is pouring off me, I’m battling to keep conscious and breathe. She started panicing and wanted to drive around finding a doctor. Doing my best not to pass out trying to tell her to call ambulance / emergency number. I kept saying the wrong number, 121 instead of 911. I got told to stop shouting at her and the voicemail service won’t help. Eventually tell her right number and she phones. An EMT vehicle arrived first, put on oxygen mask and monitor on me until ambulance got there and I was taken to Olivedale Clinic. After treatment there my breathing became easier and the oxygen mask was eventually removed. When I was given the all clear, I walked through to reception where I went to sat in a chair as she was sorting out the bill and fetched a prescription. I Felt totally lost, abandoned and uncared for. No asking if I’m ok. No hug or “happy to see me”. All business. She drove us back to Northgate to fetch my car. When we got home, I sat down and started to work as I couldn’t handle the pain inside, not from the sting, the emotional pain inside at how cold and clinical she was. The next day I told her about having found Corrie’s cell phone number and with what had happened the previous day I felt I needed to make contact with her and offer her her box of personal stuff back. I was asked after what had happened?? Like fuck me I’d only almost died… what happened yesterday?? !!! That evening we went for supper that I’d been told I had to pay for. We weren’t really talking, when she insisted I had to talk to her I told her how I was feeling. She stopped eating. We ended up having the meal put into take away boxes and left. Eventually the day comes to go housesit, I gave Danelle rent for the time I’d been there and agree to go back afterwards on a month to month basis till I find a suitable place for myself. All hell breaks lose when I want to take my stuff across all because I didn’t want to take any of the food with, I said I’d buy what I needed when there. Verbal abuse again, I am “using her”, “just come and go as I like”. Ungrateful etc etc.
I didn’t contact or sms her for 2 days. Once again I got lots of loving sms’s. Asks if I need help repacking storage that dusan has asked me to tidy up. Organises someone else to help. Don’t have anyone else so say ok. After we done and back at her place alone, have long talk, my crying once again, why does she always have to treat me like dirt when things don’t her way and want to break me down. She’s “sorry” no, I don’t deserve it etc etc. Spoke about what I was going to do when house sitting was over. Invited me to stay on longer at R1000. Gave her R960 for the 20 days I’d been there. She spends a night or two over at the house with me cos she doesn’t like being home alone and misses me. Go back Xmas eve – her sister etc away and had invited her to go with to my daughter if she didn’t have anywhere else to go. Have quiet Xmas even braai outside with Xmas lights on. Xmas morning, moaned at about coffee not being done in right way, bed not being made to her specifications. Keep quiet and go sit in lounge. She goes off then wanting to know why I’m so moody, I must’nt ruin Xmas for her she doesn’t want another wasted day. Just keep quiet. She goes off to bath. I get pissed off enough with what’s gone down to go through and tell her exactly what’s wrong, if she doesn’t like the way I made the bed she can do it herself, I don’t want my day with my children ruined either by her and her moods. Whole show of photo taking, everything about her, no offer to take one of me, must take of her in her mini, her at her xmas tree, her with her xmas hat on, her with her bag of xmas gifts. Her at her “reg sleigh” going to deliver the xmas presents (MY RED CAR!). Again when we are there, no consideration for anyone else. Wants to open presents just as Jolene announces food is ready. The takes the wishbone and wants to know who’s going to pull the wishbone with her, not offering to Jolene who had afterall cooked the lunch and gone to all the trouble and who’s first time it was to do the Xmas thing. After lunch SHE wanted to go and swim so SHE wanted the table moved to the other side of the fence. Asked if I had plans for New Year which I didn’t said she’d plan something for the night and maybe a picnic or something the next day. A few days b4 NY get an sms from Debbie about Pta dance. Half an hour later from D asking which one. Forwarded her Debbie’s sms then she wants me to book. Told her no she’d said she would arrange NY and next day. Went dancing.. no joy inside me. Me dead. New Year she went to feed her brother’s dogs then came home and was busy around the house. No well we’re going out or anything. Eventually get up and go shower. Get asked what I’ve got planned. Told her nothing she’d said a picnic…. Asked me to take her to Botanical Gardens we could buy lunch there. Took her. Was a really hot day. Walked around then eventually went for breakfast. Sitting there all she could talk about was how her brother etc would enjoy the place and she must take him there. Asked / said she had to admit her life had changed a lot since I’d met her. I’d introduced her to a lot of good stuff and places in the time we’d been together.
Was told any good in her life was her own doing because she’d stop drinking. Once again had shared something special with her a favourite place of mine, only to have it mean nothing to her. Felt useless. She could see I’d gone quiet and wanted to know what was up. Told her it didn’t matter and either way I really didn’t want to share it with her. After lunch walked all over different places. No chilled out day like I’d thought. When we were back at the entrance she wanted to go to get another coke at the restaurant. I was hot, tired and sore with stress. Stopped at the small ampitheatre and told her if she wanted to go on she could go on her own I was staying right where I was in the shade. We left shortly after. Dropped her off and didn’t go in. Went straight home. Got told she’s used to me being so rude. Saw her maybe once between then and going back once the people came from holiday. Let her know as soon as I did when I’d be back. Got back Tuesday morning. Have worked long hours all December, lots of days helping BH at the office while secretary was off as well as doing database additions. No new business most places closed down or want to wait for new year, so must make most of time to do their stuff to make money. Worked in office all day on Monday and then again Wednesday. Wednesday get up and her sister visiting. Didn’t know had walked in in gown. End up trying make phone called etc with them chatting in background. The go out shopping. While they out bank calls re car. Want to repossess for outstanding payments from hijacking time. Am stressed and depressed don’t have the money to pay for it right now and not sure when next database coming in. Phone the one place that owes me money only to be told they can’t see me and they think there’s a problem with something (works but is slow) and people not back on Friday as he had said they would be, only on the following Monday. Had delivered the database updates week before Xmas already and should’ve been paid long before they’d all gone away! D & Sister get home. Get told she won’t be there for supper she’s going out with Inquest mate. She’s yacking to her sister about how expensive Xmas is and presents etc, make a joke about it not being over as it’s my birthday in a few days time. Get told she mostly likely won’t even be buying me a present depending on how she feels. Was hurt they way it was said in front of her sister. Said that’s fine cos then at least I know not to waste my time or money in March for her birthday. Got told that’s fine and I’m not supposed to buy her something just because she buys something for me. Keep quiet. Get ready to go out and check mail, actually just want to get out of there! Tell her to enjoy her supper and see her later. Get sms from her later to say what’s wrong can see something has pissed me off and please stay away from casino. Thought bugger it and her and went! First did what I needed to with the R900 I’d
Just leaving when she drives in. Then I got asked what am I doing to myself! Running wasn’t the answer. so angry and so broken down I felt worthless!! Once again on the move…. Told her I was depressed because of the phone call I’d gotten about the car and it was not her problem to solve it was mine and she’d get paid either way. she knows I was at the Casino. “One of those many friends of mine that according to you don’t want me around”! Somewhere. NO WAY! I left there much the same way I left months before from Corrie. Climb in window and get what I need out of it. She wants to know what’s wrong. Thursday morning get up and am working. She demanded I leave her keys before I leave. I Agree!! Time I stood up for myself and stopped taking this slow mental and verbal abuse I’ve put up with for months now! I didn’t even call or sms I just packed. Go back to get chest of drawers she’s not home. She was home when I got there. I was then told it’s obviously something that’s been planned and where did I think I was going.been paid. only this time I was so hurt. Asks me around 12 to please sit down as she wants to talk to me. Different padlock on door. abusive. Left only my desk and chest of drawers behind. Whenever things didn’t go my way I ran! Time I stopped and sorted out the problems. Told me she doesn’t like the way I’m talking to her. She cleans the house etc. toiletries. money for cell then took the left over R200 and went to Monte. Starts telling me how I’m fucking up. how nobody else wants me around and anyone would be grateful for the beautiful home she’s willing to provide me. got petrol. Tell her it’s nothing she can do anything about and I don’t want to talk about it. Then wants to know when I’m going to pay her or what my plans are. she’s had an sms sent through and spoken to the Gambling Board etc and I will get arrested if I go there again. anywhere to get away from this! Was again threatened that I wouldn’t get anything I might leave behind. doesn’t need to put up with my miserable face and shit attitude in her house. Greeted had coffee and worked. Page 118 . I sit. Didn’t answer the phone when she called. Again told me she wanted the money even though she’d said that said just before that that it was about the money but my attitude. Reminded her we had agreed on me being there on an month to month basis until I found a place and that she also knew I was waiting for money to come through and she would get the rent money as soon as I’ve got it. ENOUGH!! I got up went through to the room and started packing. Asked her if that’s all that’s on her mind the fact that she’s not been paid as yet. could’nt see a thing out of my rearview mirror. had sent her an sms to say I was fine and busy and she must enjoy her supper. Doesn’t sit well with her. made sure I got EVERYTHING that I could crammed into my car.
. I am filled with anger and bitterness!! Got another “cutie” email of her yesterday. miss you. Tell her I’ll be back for the desk and chair over the weekend. Go back and fetch it. Sunday get sms she’d had a bad dream. cute sms’s on what a wonderful person and special person I am! Please just FUCK OFF! She’s made it very clear what she thinks and feels for me this last month. I was told she’d asked me with respect and I hadn’t.. Like I need to know her issues! Had enough of always being there for her when she’s down or has issues and when I do all I get is abuse! Let her know I’ll be there just after 2 for my desk. special.. Ignore them. Told her to f* off and leave me alone. Get “hope the two of you will be happy. When I get there I open the car doors etc. Was told I must deal with it. Different padlock on door. When I get there I open the car doors etc. Sent me one of the saying she put on the wall for herself by sms “Anger is the mother of many unhappy children”. greet the cat walk into the house and there she is on couch curled up holding onto “wabbit” that I gave to her when she was in rehab! How tired I am of the manipulations!! I have no sympathy left in me. I replied: Exactly! Speak to trash like trash and you might get the right message. weekend. Couldn’t look at herself in mirror because of it.Go back and fetch it. Respect must be earned. Sent one back about letting go. Go back to get chest of drawers she’s not home. Couldn’t look at herself in mirror because of it. I am filled with anger and bitterness!! Miserable birthday!! Get sms’s etc in the past few days from Danelle. Tell her I’ll be back for the desk and chair over the Get sms’s from her again. Ignore them. When she asked me last year to leave her in peace I did why couldn’t she respect that I’d asked her numerous times and told her I didn’t want to hear from her. special. frustration..” My God what is wrong with this woman! Sunday get sms she’d had a bad dream. she’s worried about me… yeah right! I’m an angel. miss you. Climb in window and get what I need out of it. greet the cat walk into the house and there she is on couch curled up holding onto “wabbit” that I gave to her when she was in rehab! How tired I am of the manipulations!! I have no sympathy left in me. Got one back to say she’s for the 1st time experienced the feeling of truly letting go.. She is filled with inner peace! Great for her! Was so upset by it I phoned her last night and let her have it! All the bottled up anger. Like I need to know her issues! Had enough of always being there for her when she’s down or has issues and when I do all I get is abuse! Let her know I’ll be there just after 2 for my desk. both in actions and in words! I no longer want her near me. Just leaving when she drives in. Page 119 . Get sms’s from her again.
don’t want to go out when I do casino. I won’t bother you with my faults again. Lost. Cannot do this. burnt down her house. Must take myself in hand an fast C: y? L: Gambling. I told you I’m sorry for being in a rush this morning. L: Ag nee wat thanx but no thanx. trashed her garden. Waiting to hear from you. Was on my way to gym. all ure fault hey.Got another sms this morning to say that she is feeling absolutely devasted. Every creature has it’s rightful place and in it’s rightful place it becomes beautiful. Have a gr8 day. C & D 2nite I am going back to GA. I will succeed in my own life. L: I am responsible yes. Quite used to having to deal with my stuff on my own. L: Yes. this is exactly how she has been with me for months. That I broke down everything I’d achieved in her. I am going to be my own best friend by giving and getting the support and encouragement I always gave C & D. On my way to edit a script or something. use it or lose it. I’m here if you want to talk. I’m here. all ure fault hey. To: A. I’m here. wasn’t meant to be. And I must now respond?? Not likely. I wish you all the best for your journey ahead! Page 120 . long hours up in room. L: I need to clear how it disappoints me that the people I have been there for the most with support and encouragement are neva there when I cud do with it. Have a gr8 day. C: Listen to me now nicely Laurinda. late nights etc. C: Yes. you don’t want to accept it. I spoke my truth on how I felt she can now deal with what it feels like I’m tired of being the “understanding angel” always there for her to trash and push around whenever she feels like it! Clearing on 13/2 Danelle and Corrie. Thanks for the ear. not because of but despite them. To Corrie: L. Ouch! Silence C: I’m sorry if I sounded heartless. smeared her black with ugliness and if that’s what I had intended to achieve I got it right. D: Fantastic! I am proud of you! I’m really so happy for you for making that choice. On my way to gym.
in future it goes to me! 13th Feb go see both apologise to D– ask to break contact. Either relationship or nothing. Which way. Laughter – Bring laughter back into your life – O’Boma show theme – Comedy After talk to Danelle: Special : The Angels have a special energy. Next step is to hand over my finances and go to see three new prospects this week. Weekend: Action: The angels ask for action. Lots of what went down. Wants to talk. Tell her I can’t be friends. Can’t sleep Sunday night. Valentine’s day – out with Danelle – Corrie gone to see Dana Winner A week of ups and downs sms’s with Danelle. Would have a relationship with who / what? Today’s Angels: Page 121 . Saturday tell her I’m out.L: Nowhere near as proud as I am. Take care C: Well done Gogga. Do not procrastinate but set your intention to move forward and receive your gifts. Look and listen. Now: Your Angel is announcing that now is the time for new beginnings. Even in relationship cannot move back in. Watch this woman! All my income down the casino this month. Today they are sending you something special. Go see her after. Scared to go back into relationship. Monday full day at Mnet. Your action is all that’s required. brings out the ugly in me cos of jealousy / worry. xxx L: I now have a room full of ears that know me and my disease thank you. Angels Release . an energy you don’t fully realize.Release the past. says I can’t let go. Get your life into first gear. The harder you hold onto something the harder it becomes. Need to start building up my trust and reliancy on myself and not others and their emotional state. The universe is waiting to supply your needs. Friday D’s Out. Working at BH can’t / don’t want to see me after. Pay attention. I’m still around if you need an ear. Sunday sms’s… has to believe in self then love me the way I deserve. Wants to be friends. I’m proud of you. Cannot do anything if she is not prepared to do what it takes for herself. I will not fulfill what you would have had me bleive of myself that day I left! D: Way to go! Believe in yourself… and not in what you think others think of you.
Page 122 . you have something special and unique to offer the world. you are worth it. Making contact with Angels will fill that void. never going anywhere except for business. In that time I just about hibernated. So much has gone happened and changed and I needed time out to deal with my hurt and anger. This section has taken me over a year to actually sit and write. Business – Look for job or keep on doing? Confidence: The Angels announce. We look to others for fulfillment.Void: The Angels are showing you a way to fill the void that you experience. Yes you can do it. Proceed with confidence.