“

DOCTOR?
WELL, MY SON
STUDIES AT
ICP! ”

AND SO
CAN YOU!

Wi n t e r B r e a k ?

Lo n g We e k e n d?

a f t e r Wo r k ?

HOW TO USE YOUR

DIGITAL SLR
Maynard Switer
Sat, Jan. 8 or Sun Jan. 9

BLACK AND WHITE

PHOTOGRAPHY I: INTENSIVE
Stephanie Badini
Evenings, Mon, Jan. 3 – Sat, Jan. 8

FINDING YOUR VOICE

AS A PHOTOGRAPHER
Jean Marie Casabarian
Evenings, Mon, Jan. 10 – Fri. Jan. 14

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

www.icp.org/school
1114 Avenue of the Americas at 43rd St. New York, NY 10036 212.857.0001 Photo: © Patrick Harbron, Faculty
A Letter from Crimson’s Number One Fan...
Hello assholes,
Drew Faust here. Or, as I like to call myself, President Andrew Faust. The other day
I was eating a few handfuls of cake batter mid-squat thrust when I suddenly got the best idea
of my sweet, young life—Harvard should have a sports competition against our oldest rival,
which I can only assume is smallpox. Then I had a sort of mini-idea, which was that our rival
could be a college located close enough to get to by party bus. This competition would last for
just one weekend, yet it would be important enough to derail student life without the benefit of
sanctioned alcohol or unsupervised conversation.
Now I know what you’re thinking—“We already have The Game, a universally beloved
event created by your predecessor, a man.” Which is fine. I’m sober enough to recognize a
good idea when I drink one. But hear me out on this: what if we tried it with football instead?
Everyone loves the funny hats those guys wear, and it’s about time we gave our student athletes some way to earn their
complimentary rape licenses.
Now I know what you’re thinking—“Hey Faustybaby, when did you turn into such a sports nut?” That’s just it. I
still don’t know which one is the pigskin or how many yards are in a football court. I couldn’t even tell you how many
bounces. But I’m convinced that I’m a fun person, and as such, I feel the need to host a giant ‘family game night’ every two
years.
Now I know what you’re thinking—“We are standing on the precipice, too scared to jump in and too stubborn to
pay for parking.” This is completely normal. We’ve all had this thought at one time or another. But my answer to you is
simple: as long as I keep getting checks in the mail, I’m gonna keep doing the do, which means fucking without protection.
In closing, I’d like to briefly apologize if I seem a little harsh. This was a first draft and my computer is almost out
of ink. But don’t let my brusque demeanor fool you—my teeth are sharp enough to cut through human bone.

Your faithful Servant,

Drew

November, 2010
BOARD OF EDITORS BUSINESS BOARD
Courtney G. Bowman ’11, President Yi Cai ’11, Treasurer
Benjamin U. Steiner ’10-’11, Ibis Tony W. Wang ’11, Advertising Manager
William C. Schaub ’11, Narthex Daniel L. Liss ’11, Circulation Manager

K. P. Bartley ’10-’12 D. K. Sonoiki ’13 A. M. Rohr ’11
C. F. Frazier ’11 P. A. Gordon ’11 L. B. Hawkins ’11
I. M. T. Bethel ’11 J. D. Adler ’12 E. M. Sobel ’12
K. A. Escobedo ’12 K. M. Neylan ’12 J. M. Harel-Cohen ’13
M. P. Eskenazi ’06-’11 I. V. Pierre ’12 L. A. Sassoon ’13
S. A. Levin-Gesundheit ’11 B. W. K. Smith ‘12
Lillian Yu ’11, Nave Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator
Pedro M. de A. V. F. de Moura ’09-’11, Bizbut
Andrew R. Dubbin ’12, Sackbut Issue Editor:
Zachariah P. Hughes ’12, Hautbois Pedro M. de A. V. F. de Moura ’09-’11
Kathryn C. Ryan ’13, Hautbois
Allison L. Averill ’12, Sanctum The Little Giants:
Charles A. Sull ’12, Sanctum PVM, JPFG, BUS, ARD, JDA, WCS
Owen T. L. Bates ’13, Librarian
Jonathan P. Finn-Gamiño ’12, Blot
The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Third-class postage paid at Cambridge, MA. U.S. subscription:
$20 for five issues, $35 for ten, $50 for fifteen. Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. Postmaster: send address changes to Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2008 Harvard Lampoon, Inc. All
rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Phone: (617) 495-7801. Fax: (617) 495-1668. URL: http://www.harvardlampoon.com. The Harvard Lampoon does not print unsolicited
manuscripts, unless we’re really in a bind and we need to fill space. The Lampoon is a registered trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.
Give them Harvard inchage, and they’ll take...
Originating sometime during the
Bronze Age, the Harvard Football
team was one of the first recorded
uses of humans using instruments to
shape the raw materials of the world.
It has survived for centuries and is
now preserved deep in the dungeons
of Houghton, Harvard’s rare books
library.
***
By some kind of twisted logic, Harvard
players aren’t allowed to attend their
own tailgate, despite the fact that they
are as notorious for drinking as they
are for playing football drunk. What’s
worse, the kegs Yale players are forced
to carry on their backs contain non-
alcoholic beer.
***
Backup QB Cory Briggs is having a
party in his Strauss common room
tonight after The Game, but don’t let
that get around.
***
Alternative pundits expect one of the
players on the Yale team to disown
his quarterback three times before the
rooster crows today.
***
From 1636 to 2009, Harvard limited
itself by only playing The Game once
per year. In 2010, for the first time
ever, Harvard will keep doing that.
***
According to a recent survey, water is
the Harvard team’s number one source
for in-game hydration, followed closely
by dirt and Cool Blue Powerade.
This year, The Game is sponsored by
Coke Zero. Let’s go out there and give
a hundred and Zero percent, team!
***
The 2010-11 Harvard roster includes
an unprecedented four players who
have no torso.
***
When asked to name some of his
idols, Coach Tim Murphy inexplicably
reached his hand down his own throat
and produced a live tree frog, presum-
ably from his stomach.
***
Many people have heard of the tradi-
tion of pouring a jug of Gatorade on
the head coach after a win. Fewer
people have heard of the tradition of
peeing in the Gatorade prior to the
game and also peeing directly on the
coach during every timeout.
***
Have none of the football players real-
ized we’re not cheering for them, we’re
just applauding ourselves for tricking
them into tackling and hitting one
another?
***
Please excuse Junior Wide Receiver
Hugh Yangley’s slow pace. His siamese
twin Grant Yangley has been dead for
nearly seven years.
***
Junior lineman Brett Underston, 6’3”,
240lb, 430 SAT cannot legally play in
today’s game without his caretaker’s
signature.
For the first time in Harvard-Yale
history, Harvard’s quarterback will be
a 230lb. humanoid robot designed by
Qui Fan Zhang ‘13.
***
A true Harvard fan would be punching
a Yaley right now instead of reading
some stupid magazine.
***
No day in the year makes me pity my
friend Peter more than the Harvard
Yale game. What you and I see: proud
Red and Blue teams fighting for vic-
tory. He and his colorblind eyes see
just two brown teams, inexplicably
changing the directions they run.
***
A lot of people think football players
are stupid. But come on, have you ever
heard of hockey players?!
***
What’s the play called when the for-
ward fakes a hand-off to the runner,
then the thrower passes it off to the
little guy and he kicks it as hard as he
can at the other team’s cheerleaders to
distract their coach? I guess my real
question is whether there’s any rule
against doing this.
***
The average length of a football field
is one hundred yards, or one football
field.
***
The average length of a football game
is one weekend.
A MESSAGE FROM DEAN OF HARVARD COLLEGE EVELYN HAMMONDS
Dear members of the Harvard-Yale community,

Today marks the 127th time that Harvard and Yale have met to celebrate The Game. Though the
match promises to be spirited - Go Harvard Crimson! - our two universities have much in common (which
is not to say that the socio-academic institutions do not have a diverse mix of cultural, religious, gender, etc.
identities, and that we celebrate them all equally).

Football competitions are but one of the traditions that help make our institutions dynamic, sustain-
able, and tolerant. Harvard is proud of its athletic diversity. We celebrate our student-athletes, whether they
engage in field hockey, crew, women’s basketball or competitive Latin salsa dancing. These athletes should
be measured not by the number of touchdowns or rebounds they score, but by their positive commitment to
the community. They are all gold medalists.

Harvard Stadium is the sight of today’s Harvard-Yale collabo-

ration. Next door in the new Alston Research Center, scientists from
both universities are working to “tackle” (football for “conquer”) the
biggest challenges of the twenty-first century (AIDs-fueled global
warming). Dr. Lisa Windmuller is one of these scientists. She is a
woman and we celebrate that here on Football Day.

So win or lose, please remember that over 50 billion bottles of

water are consumed in the US every year.

Only 23% of these are recycled,

Evelyn Hammonds
Welcome to Harvard Stadium
home of the Harvard Crimson football team and ten thousand rats. Har-
,

vard Stadium was constructed in 1903 by Irish immigrants, several of

whom were trapped alive in its walls while cement was poured. Reilly
O’Brien, a 17 year-old cement mixer, was tragically encased in Section 28,
which was later named in memory of a wealthy Harvard alumnus who died
at an old age of natural causes. Since its completion, many visitors have
incorrectly described Harvard Stadium as a “horseshoe” when it is in fact
meant to resemble a giant dick. Harvard Stadium is famous for its concrete seats, the hardest and least comfort-
able in the Ivies.

While football is the stadium’s most notable activity, it is just one of many. As part of their rigorous cardiovas-
cular workouts, members of the Harvard crew team often come to the stadium to do what they call “stadiums.”
This is when they set up their boats in the endzone and row themselves across the turf with land-oars. Addition-
ally, the scoreboard serves as an alarm clock for the Harvard Business School. After a long night of partying, the
scoreboard ensures that HBS students wake up for their 9:00 a.m. class: Partying.

Currently, the University is raising money to stabilize the crumbling foundation of Harvard Stadium. If you’d like
to make a donation, please leave some money on your seat when you leave. Enjoy THE GAME.

Wolf Boy
“Oh wow, wolf boy is at it again,” Coach Murphy laughs as a dark, hairy form darts across the stadium
and mauls Blaise Deal, class of 2012.

Blaise Deal is less enthusiastic about the incident. “Why Coach Murphy had to hire a wolf boy to teach
me how to catch is beyond me,” he ejaculates, visibly frustrated.

But despite calls to cut team funding Coach Murphy sticks by his
techniques. “There is no point in stopping the wolf boy. You lock
him up, his cubs will just hunt you down. You cull the Cam-
bridge population of wolf boys, environmentalists will just get on
your back!” Coach Murphy begins to lose his poise. “Not... uh…
that there is anything wrong with that... uh... strategy.” It is ap-
parent from Murphy’s demeanor that despite being a physically
imposing man he lives in constant fear of the literati of Harvard
taking away his livelihood. In his mind all environmentalists are
the same: they are all deans at Harvard, and Murphy doesn’t ask
any questions. Eventually the coach regains his natural confi-
dence. “I say let the wolf boy be.”

The wolf boy’s transition from Cambridge pest to fully employed

Harvard football coach is a matter of legend in the locker room.
“Coach Murphy did a ton of crystal meth and talked to that
wolf boy for hours before giving him seventy thousand dollars,”
recounts Gino Gordon, class of 2013.
Dear Harvard College, affiliated deans, and dining hall staff,

In recent months I’ve gotten a lot of questions about the role of football in a world-renowned research
university. What with budget cuts, staff layoffs and the Pleiades club still not having a safe social space,
what use is there in spending tens of millions of dollars on a humble sports game? That’s what some
people are asking, if you can believe it. The short answer is, because games are fun. The long answer is,
to equip our campus’ largest members with leadership skills and cool jackets.
Maintaining an Ivy League football team is expensive, nobody is questioning that, least of all me, be-
cause I help tamper with the receipts and see the true costs of making sure every team member has at
least two towels, four times a day. But can you put a price on teamwork bringing the student body an
occasional source of collegial spirit? In fact you can: $13,657,203 per calendar year.

The truth is, a lot of our players have no where else to go. The Government department got rid of its
lounge, the Owl Club is being audited, and the Democracy Center is booked through February. Where
are our boys to go? The grid-iron is the only place these enormous blocks of meaty flesh can just hang
out and compare leg-girth. And besides, football gives these boys a sense of confidence, something Har-
vard in no way prepares them for.

So lay off football, it’s as much a part of college as beer, cheer-leaders and skipping class so you can fit in
one more protein shake before weigh in. These boys worked just as hard to be here as any one of your
average child prodigies, politician’s daughters or Indian students, except they did it the old fashioned
way: by moving a ball across a span of space.

Your Coach,

Coach “Tim” Murphy

A Conversation I hope Never Happens...
Yale Football Player: I hate you and I’m
going to kick your ass!
Harvard Football Player: Not as much as I
hate you, you Eli fuck face! This issue’s a classic!
Yale Football Player: Wait… We’re not so
different, you and I.
Harvard Football Player: (considering) I
guess not… What’s your name?
Yale Football Player: Ben.
Harvard Football Player: Hi Ben. I’m
Thomas.
Ben: You know who I really hate? The vast
majority of the kids at my school who treat
me like an idiot every day.
Thomas: No kidding! I feel the same way
about the kids at my school.
Ben: Why do you take their shit? Aren’t
you much stronger than them? You look
like you’re a lot stronger than most of
them.
Thomas: (considering)Huh...I guess I am.
Are you stronger than the kids at Yale?
Ben: (considering) Yes. Almost all of them.
Ben and Thomas: (thinking out loud to-
gether) It is almost impossible to get kicked
out of an Ivy League school…
Ben: Jinx!
Thomas: Jinx!
Ben: Double jinx!
Thomas: Hahaha, you dog! (starting to
walk) Come on, let’s go beat the shit out of
these guys.

DRINK COCA-COLA
It is the taste sensation that will Harvard Sucks Dicks
Thousands of Stupid Fucking Safet School dicks for YALE
WHO RULES You dicksuckers should have paid more at-
tention to your advertisements motherfuckaas! Harvard
Sucks dicks and vages and dicks and dicks and vagadicks.

Life’s Good on the Coke

Side of Life
Before “Ten Thousand Men of Harvard,” Be On Top of Your Game at The Game
Harvard College had a number of fight songs
This three-step football-inspired workout will get you in peak
that are now discontinued.
physical condition for the most important game of the year:

The Harvard Man

The Harvard Man wakes in his bed
It’s game day! Hurrah!
His servant clamours to be fed
It’s game day! Hurrah!
His Boots are on, his time has come
It’s game day! Hurrah!
To old Eli bite his thumb
It’s game day! Hurrah!

Harvard Victory Song

Harvard, Harvard, Harvard
Sit. Squeeze. Repeat.
Harvard, Harvard, Harr!
Harvard, Harvard, Harvard,
Harvard, Harvard, Harvard!

March of Champions
Fight their team, across the Earth
Show them, that we’re best!
Divine triumph for our boys
No mercy for the rest!

Ra Ra Ra

We’ve got the Will

We’ve got the spark
Sock their ugly faces Kegs may be banned at the Stadium, but Kegels are not!
So it leaves a mark!

Ra Ra Ra

We cannot lose, with God on our side

We do His work, the hour is near
The Pure from the weak, we will divide!
Victory is Cleansing, have no fear.

Ja Ja Ja

Stärke durch Fußball Gehorsam

Wir vernichten die Untergebenen!

Remember--a longer body is a thinner body!

PLAYER SPOTLIGHT: Treavor Scales, 2013
Treavor Scales is a sophomore who has contributed significantly to the Crimson’s of-
fensive efforts this season. Many see him as a menace on the gridiron, but off the
field, he cares about giving back to the community.

“I killed a man in Cambridge,” said Treavor Scales, “and now I am required to per-
form community service.” Treavor tutors children in Roxbury on alternate Wednes-
days. “It’s hard,” said Treavor, “but I am confident in my math.”

The death occurred during a play earlier this season against the Dartmouth Big
Green. “He [Treavor] was running the ball right down the middle,” said Coach Mur-
phy. “He ran over a linebacker, and the guy died right there on the field. It was an
amazing play--6 points.”

Treavor has remained diligent throughout the process. “I’m not allowed to talk about
the play, but it makes me very sad every time I think about it,” said Treavor when we
played and re-played the tape for him. “I have to live with this every day.”

FUN FACT:
If sophomore running back Treavor Scales rushes for 3,453 yards this afternoon, he will
have a decent chance of winning this year’s Heisman trophy.

PLAYER SPOTLIGHT: Brett Harrison, 2014

Many Harvard Football players do not attend class, but sophomore linebacker Brett
Harrison does not even recognize the important role that water plays in the human
body. On a daily basis he fails to recognize the role that things like sinks and rivers play
in the twenty-first century human consciousness. He thinks of tap water in the same
way that we think of stained glass windows--- as things that definitely play a culturally
significant role, but one that we can attach no immediate significance to. He has no
idea what ‘cultural’ means, but he attaches an arbitrary conversational significance
to the word and even participates in his sections at Harvard. He is a history concen-
trator and his professors think that he is charming. That being said he does not realize
that if he stopped drinking water he would die in a matter of days. He associates life
with light and death with darkness on a primitive level, but gets confused whenever
shadow and wetness dichotomies are introduced. Abstract concepts like ‘romance’
are wasted on Brett Harrison. He firmly believes that all women are witches and all
men are astronauts, despite his stark disbelief in the transcendent potential of the
Wicca faith and the materiality of extraterrestrial space. Brett does not express any
of these ideas in verbal form, instead choosing to wander in the woods for days on
end searching for friendly parrots. Most of the time his fellow linebackers will find him
and offer him water. Brett happily accepts these gifts, but if left to his own devices he
would never think of seeking ingestible liquids of any sort.
 T W
Tom Williams, head coach of the Yale Bulldogs, took over his position in 2009 after coaching in the NFL. At first, the
transition from the professional level to the Ivy League was a challenge.

COACH WILLIAMS: Everybody, take a knee. That was a solid first practice. Granted, you’re all the shittiest
players I’ve seen in years, but I realize that you’re younger and less experienced than my old team. Hey, at least
we’ve got some professional caliber team spirit.
TEAM CAPTAIN: Go Bulldogs!
COACH WILLIAMS: That’s right! OK, in preparation for Saturday’s game, let me review my code of conduct for
your behavior as members of this team.
TEAM CAPTAIN: But coach, we’ve already got a code of conduct from last season.
COACH WILLIAMS: Oh yeah, what is it?
TEAM CAPTAIN: Be your best, be a team player, and practice good study habits.
COACH WILLIAMS: That’s nonsense, not a code of conduct. We’ll be 0-16 with that bullshit.
TEAM CAPTAIN: We only play 8 games, coach.
COACH WILLIAMS: Jesus, that’s it? What am I supposed to do for the other 44 weeks of the year?
TEAM CAPTAIN: Our last coach audited a lot of classes. Got a French citation.
COACH WILLIAMS: Classes? No—we need a real code of conduct. Here’s what we live by now, boys: No wives
in the locker room, no cocaine on game day, and if you go on a sex boat, wear a life vest.
Defensive back Devin Saxon ‘12 agreed to interview himself for today’s pro-
gram. He served as both the interviewer and the interviewee. Thanks Devin!
Q: What does the Harvard-Yale rivalry mean to you?
A: There’s a lot of history here. It’s very special to be a part of it.

Q: Two years ago you turned down a spot on the Top 10 Hottest Freshmen list. What’s the
game plan for today’s game?
A: We’ve got to stay focused, play physical, and do what coach has been saying all week, win the
battle at the line of scrimmage.

Q: You’re a member of the Spee Club, congratulations!

A: Thanks!

Q: Freshman year you won Harvard’s freestyle competition. What is the key to today’s game?
A: Gino and Treavor have been running the ball well all year. That’s got to continue in order to
win today.

Q: Your penis was the first one ever saw. There’s gotta be a story there!
A: I’d rather just talk about the game.

Word is it’s going to be a

cold The Game day. Here
are some tips to have a
warm day of football:
- Let your children sit on your lap.
Any children, for that matter.
- Grow a beard on your whole body.
- Buy hot popcorn and pour it on
yourself every ten minutes.
- Bring a blanket.
- Wear two foam hands.
We went inside Harvard’s locker room to get the
scoop on how our boys get pumped:
“When I’m getting dressed for the big game I always whisper, ‘Yale dicks have
bigger STDs,’ into my cup, then I hold it over my ear for a minute so I can hear
the ocean inside.”

“It’s all about the abs. I count mine to fall asleep the night before the game.”

“I repeat, ‘I am not a bed shitter!’ very emphatically thirty-three times. I do this

while standing next to a guy I know who has shit the bed at least twice in col-
lege.

“Basement Jaxx man. I have a bird sounds alarm clocks, but once I’m awake it’s
all Jaxx all day.”

“Some of the guys have those lucky rabbit feet so I thought, why not have four
rabbit feet and a rabbit body? Well, the reason is, rabbits get really bored in lock-
ers, and if you don’t walk them regularly they start shitting strategically in your
pockets.”

In this edition of Harvard Gridiron Legends, Amos

T. Stagg ‘34 reminisces about the Crimson’s
undefeated 1933 season.

“In my day, football games were a good deal more helmet-

less. Listen, I didn’t complain when the more dandified play-
ers started wearing leather helmets. But these modern con-
traptions have gone too far. It used to be that leather was
for helmets and plastic was for fighting the Japs. But then
Truman goes soft, ends the rationing, and before you can
say desegregation we got kids running around with some-
thing called facemasks. What was once a contest of gentle-
manly strife has turned into a concussion-free game of for-
ward passes and untucked jerseys. I told my grandson, “I’ll
wear your future helmet when you can show me the cow it
came from.” He works with computers. The point being that
football players today bellyache about the need for fancy
equipment and horseless scoring machines. But you know
what they really need more of? I’d like to go home now.”
 GREAT MOMENTS IN HARVARD FOOTBALL HISTORY
November 21st, 1962 - “The Scramble”
The 1962 team was not only one of most talented in Harvard history; it was also the first to be racially in-
tegrated. Harvard players overcame their differences to put together thrilling victories over Brown (“The Double-
OT Game”) and Columbia (“That Game Where Everyone Sang Motown”). The Crimson offense was nothing
short of explosive, averaging 34.6 points, 345 yards, and 12 inspirational speeches per game. In the season end-
ing showdown with Yale, Harvard fell behind in the second quarter after white team captain Gene Bertier was
paralyzed in a car accident. Black team captain Denzel Washington ‘63 capped the improbable but heartwarming
comeback with a sixty-two yard touch down run.

October 31, 1971 - “The Halloween Miracle”

Harvard came to Ithaca as a five point underdog. But the Crimson jumped to an early lead and never
looked back, winning 9-0 thanks to solid rushing, defense and special teams.
In the post game press conference, Cornell coach George Collins suggests that a band of angels might have inter-
vened so that Harvard would win the game, therefore allowing a boy in Anaheim, California to be reunited with
his father, who rides a motorcycle. Collins died in 1972, of brain complications.

November 19, 1986 - “The Comeback”

While celebrating Harvard’s 21-0 victory over Yale, Head Coach Jay Mills is arrested for drunk driving.
As punishment, the court orders him to coach a Pee-Wee hockey team consisting entirely of runts, girls, Keenan
Thompson and overweight goal tenders. After buying the team new jerseys and leading them to the Champi-
onship, Mills is arrested for drunk driving for the third, and what the judge promises will be, the final time. He
served six years in prison and the Ducks finally learned to believe in themselves.

November 12, 1992 - “The Airbud Game”

A golden retriever from the wrong side of the tracks dreams of playing football for Harvard. He briefly
works at a steel mill, then as a groundskeeper, and finally as a college student. He isn’t the biggest dog, or even
the dog who has best learned to approximate the inherently human movements required to play football. But he
has a dream.
This is the game in which Harvard went up on Brown 67-6, and then in the fourth quarter put a dog at
free safety for one unforgettable play.

November 1, 2005 - “The Streak”

Fourth-year Harvard linebacker Jeff Bassani recited basically all of Cool Runnings from memory on the
bus ride to Dartmouth.
 ALWAYS PEPSI-COLA
Pepsi is not just a drink, it’s a fuck harvard it’s a shitty school full
of cocksuckers cocksuckers haha got you stupid idiots again you
fucking retards pretentious assholes all of you lifestyle failed-
yaled jockstrapsuckers new haven girls are ezsayyyy bitchezzzz!!

Pepsi: The Joy of Cola

Winning the Game

On Television:
Announcer: Well, it’s now or never for the Crimson. Fourth
and seven from their own thirty-five yard line. Fifteen seconds
remain in the game. They’re going to need a miracle.
(Ball is hiked)
(Quarterback stands in the pocket)
(Quarterback throws it)
Announcer: He’s got a man open! Aaaaand, he caught it!
HARVARD WINS! HARVARD WINS!

On the Radio:
Announcer: Well, it’s now or never for the Crimson. Fourth and seven from their own thirty-five yard
line. Fifteen seconds remain in the game. They’re going to need a miracle. Hatch lines up under center.
He’s got three receivers out to the near side. Gino is lined up behind him and Lorditch is on the far side.
Gino appears to be doing that thing where you stand up tall and lean back a little bit so as to adjust your
protective cup. And now he’s done with that and one hundred percent focused on the game. Defense is
in the nickel. Hatch with the hard count, trying to draw the defense offsides. His hands are positioned
between the center’s legs, near his belly button. They’ve done this a million times before. What’s this?
Hatch is now standing, he’s seen something in the defense. He’s barking out an audible to his bunched
receivers. He quickly turns to Lorditch and stared at him with wide eyes, but just for the briefest of
seconds. Lorditch gave him the wide eyes back! I can’t believe it! If I’m not mistaken, Hatch just told
Lorditch to run farther and faster than he ever has. But he did so with his eyes! OH MY GOD! I think
Harvard is going to try to score a touchdown! Harvard is going to try to win the game! Hatch is back
under center, his hands hovering in and around the center’s navel. God, Lorditch has a shit eating grin
on his face. They’re definitely going to try to win this one! The wide eyes, ladies and gentlemen, the wide
eyes! The ball is hiked. Hatch with a seven-step drop. Gino picks up the blitz nicely. Hatch uses his feet
to buy some time. And he’s thrown it. He’s unleashed a beautiful spiral! He’s got a man open! OH MY
GOD! Aaaaaand, he caught it! WIDE RECEIVER ADAM CRISSIS HAS CAUGHT THE BALL AND
WON THE GAME!
 Veteran Wide Receiver Peter Morris
Close To Retirement
By Claire Sull
As this year’s annual game against Yale gets underway, one question is on the mind
of Harvard football fans everywhere: Will this be Peter Morris’ last season in a
Crimson Jersey?
With 32 Ivy-league records on his resume, no one comes close to producing
the numbers he’s racked up during his 14-year career; a career that many fear will
come to a close because of Morris’ chronic injuries and the progress he has made in
HAA 10: The Western Tradition: Art Since the Renaissance this semester.
Obviously Morris’ skills have eroded over the past few years, to the point
where he no longer resembles the figure who consistently converted short slants into 70-yard touchdowns in his
prime. But his dedication to the game is still strong, and he demonstrates the same drive that has allowed him to
eclipse his fellow players in the record books. The facts speak for themselves.
Most seasons with over 1000 yards receiving: Aaron et al. (tie, second place) 4, Morris 10
Most games over 100 yards receiving: Albertson et al. (tie, second place) 39, Morris 101
Some might argue that Mark Escher deserves consideration in the debate of who is the best Ivy League receiver
of all time, but he’s produced just over one third of the touchdowns Morris has. Numbers don’t lie and nobody
comes close to Peter Morris.
However, as the saying goes, all good things must pass. “Peter wants to graduate very badly,” says Bill Fisher,
class of 1999 and sophomore year friend of Morris. “I feel terrible for that guy.”
After practice Morris can be seen waiting in line for hours at Economics office hours and hitting the
books at Lamont. A former staple of the campus party scene, ‘Moonshine Morris’ rarely goes out these days be-
cause the identity of his final club has changed so much during his time at Harvard.
“I used to girls and drink all day,” he reminisces.
“But no longer?” I ask. Morris shakes his head sadly before a big smile flashes across his face. “I am gone
soon, kid!”
“But answer the question on everyone’s mind, Peter. How soon will you be gone?”
My words seem to confuse Morris.
“How soon will you ‘gone’?” I repeat. “When will you retire, buddy!”
Silently, the veteran receiver returns to practice with a crestfallen expression on his face. Harvard fans can
breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn’t look like this legend will be hanging up his cleats any time soon.
 TAILGATE MEMORIES
The Fly Club for Gentlemen
As we look forward to this year’s tailgate, let’s not forget the chill times we had in ‘08.

-I see your Morgan Stanley and I raise you Goldman Sachs!

(“Live your Life” by T.I. [feat. Rihanna] begins playing)

-You know how when you go in the front door, im-

mediately to your right there’s a small table with a
bulletin board where we post mail from our bros,
and across from the door is a staircase, but it’s not
like, directly across because there’s a small aisle to
the left of it with a glass case where we display all our
merch, then even more left of that there’s a room
with a piano, and if you go down a step there’s a
couch and a fireplace, and then if you go right a little
there’s a library with a desk in it? Oh and also how
if you just go right after coming in the front door
there’s a room with a big table and chairs and some
drawers of silverware?

-Hey Chris, remember when we played “Whatever

You Like” by T.I. really loud?
-Last night?
-No, Wednesday.

-Hey Chris!
-Chris D. or Chris X.?

(“Live your Life by T.I. [feat. Rihanna] ends)

(“Whatever you Like” by T.I. begins playing)
 Behind the Numbers
12
Coeds who offered Harvard quarterback
Colton Chapple a blow job at the pre-Game pep rally

1.5
Blow jobs he accepted

116
Verified hookups by members of the
Harvard football team during the 2010 season

1
Extra-large cup worn by
Harvard offensive tackle Kevin Murphy

3
Points for a field goal

.75
Miles between Harvard Yard and Harvard Stadium

.75
Miles Harvard students are
unwilling to walk to see a football game

92
Ryan Burkhead, DE, Plano Central High School

The Yale Whiffenpoofs, the 87

world’s oldest all male a
cappella group, warmly ex-
tend the Yale football team
best wishes on their 2010
Tour! May you show those
Harvard ninnies how to re-
ally perform! Boola Boola!
High fives projected
for The Game weekend
617-576-6565
Head Cheerleader’s private line
3
Times Linebacker Chris Pharrell is
legally required to ask for consent
2.1
Percentage of Harvard players who
are not in the Phoenix Club

1
The Game
Vendor COMIX

“This game is great. Get a touchdown!” “Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!”

“I am a hot dog vendor.” “I think I’m going to go buy a hot dog

from that hot dog vendor.”

“One please.” “Thanks hot dog vendor!”

We caught up with Herman F. Yolanski ’13, Harvard’s star male cheerleader before
The Game:

Q: So Herman, why did you join the Harvard Cheerleading Team? To meet girls?
A: I thought the formations looked interesting and challenging. I wanted to get in shape and
make some new friends.

Q: Tell us, Herman, what’s it like on the Harvard Cheerleading Team, with all those cheer-
leading girls?
A: It’s a lot of fun, but it’s hard work.

Q: Do you ever find it hard to practice cheerleading because of the girls on the team?
A: Practices are tough. Lifts are hard for me, because my upper body strength isn’t where it
should be yet. But I work out twice a day--strength conditioning and then cardio. I’m getting
better.

Q: Which girl on the Cheerleading Team do you think is the hottest, Herman?
A: They’re all such great athletes. All really strong.

Q: Well, thanks for talking to us, Herman, and enjoy celebrating with those cheerleaders
tonight, regardless of the outcome of the game!
A: Thank you. I pray I will remember all the lifts and formations and not make any mistakes.

Thank you, Herman, luckiest guy at Harvard!

 A message from:

Root for H
Today marks the 127th game of the famed Harvard-Yale rivalry. The first game was played
in 1875, just as football began to distinguish itself from rugby. Although Harvard won the
game last year, Yale leads the overall series 65-53-8.

Both teams come from fine educational institutions, arguably two of the best in the nation.
Both teams have practiced extensively to prepare for this game, and both teams under-
standably hope to be victorious. It ought to be a close match of two skilled football teams,
between which it would be difficult to determine a normative difference in quality.

However, after careful consideration, we at the Crimson endorse Harvard in today’s game.
We think it best for student life at this college if we choose to support our own teams in
matches. The outcome of the game will have few domestic or international consequences
rendering a choice to support either football team an explicitly moral one.

Indeed, who you choose to root for today is largely a matter of personal preference. Al-
though we at the Crimson don’t know Harvard football players any more than Yale foot-
ball players, we recognize a certain kinship with the Harvard team, if based on nothing
more than a partially-shared name.

In this matter the Harvard Crimson will have to differ from its sister paper, the Yale Daily
News. The News has decided to endorse the Yale football team in today’s game.

Don’t hide from your destiny.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE HARVARD LAMPOON

www.harvardlampoon.com
We ask Harvard defensive coordinator Scott Larkee,
“What’s the best way to stop the spread offense?”
The spread offense cannot be stopped, only slowed down. It’s my job to devise a defensive scheme that
will neutralize, or at least compromise, the wide-open attack of the spread. You look at the trends in
college football - more points, more yards, more offense - and you think to yourself, “how can I disrupt
this type of system, even in a small way?” I don’t know if it can be done but I get up every day and I
try.

The spread is a revolution in football and it scares me on a level that I have yet to fully acknowledge.
By spacing players across the field and building multiple options into each play call, the spread is a
terrifying marriage of geometry and unpredictability. You stack eight defenders in the box and they’ll
just dump it outside. You press the receivers on the outside and, oops, the halfback goes right up the
middle on a zone read. You disguise the coverage and run some blitz stunts and wouldn’t-ya-fucking-
know-it, there goes the QB on a fifteen yard scramble. And through it all your wife is in the stands
cheering like the happiest moron in Boston, somehow unable to comprehend after seven years of mar-
riage, three of them bearable, that you coach the red team, the team that just lost.

There are many variants of the spread offense, but they all are based on the same fundamental princi-
ple; you will beat the other team and humiliate their defensive coordinator if you find a way to isolate
your best player with the ball. This player doesn’t have to be “book smart,” or any type of smart really.
They just have to be able to run or throw or catch or do whatever else it is that 20 year old kids do so
well before they are weighed down by an unwanted family and the knowledge that they have wasted
half their life drawing little x’s and o’s on a chalkboard, trying to use intellect and strategy to stop
sheer animal athletic ability.

The spread is chaos. The spread is destructive. The spread is getting stronger every day. Even if I could
stop the spread, I don’t know if I would.
Find the Harvard Crimson Fan!

Collin Zych is a 5’11”, 195lb defensive back from Plano, Texas.

Ricky Zorn is a 6’0”, 180lb defensive back from Dallas, Texas.
Together they are….

ZYCH and ZORN!

Zych: How is the spaceship coming along, Zorn?
Zorn: Haha what the… You’re crazy, Zych!

Zych: (whispers) Soon we will go back to the

Wavepattern of Time and live amongst our fellow kind.
Zorn: Yeah whatever Zych just run the fucking drill.

Zorn: Uh, Coach Murphy? I think there is something

seriously wrong with Zych.
Coach Murphy: YOU SHUT UP AND PLAY LIKE A
CHAMPION!
Zych: Tonight I am going to build a mind belt out of our
underlays, Zorn.
There is a freshman defensive end on the Harvard Football team named Jake Boy.
Coach Murphy: Come back here, Boy!
Jake Boy: Me?
Coach Murphy: No! The black person I am being racist to!
Jake Boy: Phew!

Coach Murphy: Boy am I angry!

Jake Boy: Angry at me?
Coach Murphy: NO! ANGRY THAT I AM A WOMAN
TRAPPED IN A MAN’S BODY!
Jake Boy: I’m so sorry! I had no idea…
Coach Murphy: Yes… Angry at you, I mean.
Jake Boy: Oh okay I’ll try harder.
Coach Murphy: (to himself) Close one, Tim.

Coach Murphy: Boy I could use a blowjob right now…

Jake Boy: Who couldn’t, coach!
Coach Murphy: This is no time for games.

Coach Murphy: Boy I killed a boy and I need your help mov-
ing his body from the garage.
Jake Boy: Now it’s like you’re trying to confuse me!

Coach Murphy: (sighing) Oh boy.

Jake Boy: Yes coach??
Coach Murphy: Shut the hell up, Jake!
Jake Boy: (dejected)
Coach Murphy: (high on heroin)

SURGE
Go fuck yourself.
 EXERCISE AT HARVARD STADIUM

Running stadium steps is a There she goes. That’s the way.

great way to stay in shape.

What an athlete! I took these pictures of you Cheese!

using a telephoto lens.

Where are you going? I will follow. You walk fast.

So close! You live here? Go Crimson!

 LOCATIONS

1728 Mass Ave.

Cambridge
Between Harvard & Porter Square
Telephone: 617-354-7400

1294 Beacon St.

Coolidge Corner, Brookline

642 Beacon St.

Kenmore Square
“Best of Boston”
Try our famous Chicken Colorado Burritos
149 First St.
Cambridge, Lechmere

366 Washington St.

Brighton

www.bocagranderestaurant.com