FP's Pokemon Ruby Playthrough

Part 1 - Saving Professor Bitch Birch
My name's Player. I'm a BOY, dumbass. Just gimme my Pokemon and go spoon with your assistants or something. Gawd. What the hell? I'm sitting in the back of a frikking MOVING VAN? Abusive mother much? You sure aren't getting anything on Mother's Day. Moving Pokemon, great, you just like them for their pecs. Mom, Taillow has Pecks and it isn't half as ugly. Wow, who left this Potion in my computer? Sucker. It's 10:52 PM, too bad this game has a FRIKKING CRAPPY clock system so I'll just assume that crap says 10:52. HOLY SHIT, my dad is on TV? Aww, it ended. Fucking reporters, I'll hang them some day. Oh well, time to let Mom kick me out of the house. I'm gonna go bother my neighbors. Daughter? Same age? HELLO. Wait. SHE HAS A FUCKING FANNY PACK?! Screw it, I can get ten times better than this. May? Hi, I'm December, how are you? Helping your dad catch wild Pokemon, better wear longer pants or they'll be wild all right. Oh, hey short kid. Someone's shouting down the road, someone should help, why the fuck are you just standing there? Guess we gotta play hero. A Poochyena? YOU FUCKING WUSS. IT'S LEVEL FRIKKING TWO. YOU COULD KILL THAT THING. Oh well, we get a free slave, why not? I'll choose this blue thing, I liek it.

Mudkip used Tackle. Poochyena used Tackle. Mudkip used Tackle. The end. ---

You heard about me through my father? Oh gawd, did he tell you about the time I--oh, okay. Yeah I don't have any slaves. I do have my father's blood in my veins. I cut his throat and some of it got in a cut. That might've been that guy who tried selling me condoms in a dark alley, but whatever, neither of them had HIV, so I'm not bothered. YES, I GOT A SLAVE! I'll name it insaneNESS, because this thing is fucking insane. Eww, you want me to see that whore with the fanny pack? Well, she's not bad aside from the fanny pack, I'll give her a shot.

Status insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 5 - 21/21

Part 2 - I'm a Rival Beater
With NESS, I sail forth. Tally ho, a Zigzagoon! Ooh, it's female. Tackle it, NESS, Tackle harder! FASTER! YESSSSS!!! She's even Growling, she likes it!...I think you Tackled too hard, it's on the floor. It's bleeding from its every orifice. Holy crap. A Wurmple? It must su-OH MY GOD, STRING SHOT?! I must have one. I reached Level 6, NESS is the devil. Mud Slap? Kinky. A town...woo, a nurse? Hello. Ugh, I can't go over the counter. Nor is there a "Bang girl" option. This game sucks. Oh well, let's head out. Another Potion, from a weirdo who stands outside someone's house promoting a store not 10 steps from where he is. Dumbass. Let's go Tackle some more female Zigzagoons. After grinding with female Zigzagoons, I think it's time we met May. Frick, there's a witness. Gotta slit his throat before I try anything. Hey, wanna fu-wait what battle


May has a level 5 starter of whatever beats yours. Still very easy. At this point you should be at the very least one or two levels higher. Spam your attacking move and win. --Ooh, gecko. Can you save me 15% or more on car insurance? Eww, a male Pounding a male? May, you sick 10 year old. I hate you, you fucking ugly bi-WHOA wait I get money for beating up other people's pets? What have I been MISSING? This is gonna be fun. But for now, let's beat up more helpless animals. NESS now knows Water Gun. Tackle, and Mud Slap? NESS knows how to live, man.

Status insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 10 - 7/32

Part 3 - To Petalburg City
Alright, time to head back. May intercepts you for no reason at the bottom of Oldale telling you to go home (Protip: Home IS that way, dumbass), and we arrive back at Littleroot. Crappy town name aside, we head into Birch's lab. Hi, Bit-er, Birch. Of course I beat her first try, her Pokemon's Level frikking 5. A PokeDex? What the fuck is this thing? WHOA, May gave me balls. Usually it's the man who does that, May. Well, time to leave this town and not come back unless I want to whore off a rest from Mom. Speaking of Mom, gotta steal Running Shoes from her. I got Running Shoes! Da-da daa daaaaaaa! Press B to run! That's it. Lazy Game Freak. This dumbass traced his own footprints thinking it was a Pokemon's. Thanks for blocking the way, ass. We got some rarer Pogeyz here, so I'mma start forcing them into my balls. Of course, I find a Ralts right away, but

Trace isn't what we want. Gotta keep lookin' then. Whoa, Surskit. These things are rare to find without having a swarm. But they're useless as shit in a battle, plus I already have a Water type. Die. We beat up this Youngster and rob him of his pocket money and move on. Gotta avoid the rest, need training for someone we're catching later. We head on the the nurse we still can't bang and have teh pogeyz healed, and head on over to the Gym my father apparently runs. Some chatting, then some kid named Wally appears. He brings me over to Route 102 again and...you lucky prick, it took me ages to find a Level 4 Ralts, you find a Level 5? How did your light brown hair become puke green? And why did you bring me along when you already know how to do this? Aaaaand he leaves. Asshole, I'll pay him back some day. Dad wants to battle some day, blah blah blah, time to head on over to Route 104.

Status insaneNESS (Mudkip) - Level 14 - 41/41 Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 8 - 23/23 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 4 - Through the Forest and the Games

After much searching, I finally find my Taillow and level it up. See Mom, I TOLD you it has Pecks. Pecks that destroy little acorns and bugs. Now, we beat up the little kids on Route 102 and take their money.They're honestly the weakest little shits ever. You'd expect even a beginner trainer to have more than two Wurmple. Then we move on to Route 104 and beat up the people there. Now, we enter the Petalburg Woods. It's dark and scary in here, it's like being back in Libby's closet! But

there's free stuff on the ground, so score! An idiot challenges me with six Wurmple. Not nearly as interesting as the 6 Magikarp guy, but still good EXP. A Devon Researcher asks us if we found a Shroomish. Before I can ask him how much money he has, a Team Magma Grunt interrupts our deal and attacks. You dumb fuck, I was just about to make big cash! Anyways I trash his Poochyena without trouble and watch him take off. Damn it, cheap ass Devon guy, a Great Ball? I saved your company's ass and you give me 600 of whatever currency we use worth of merchandise? Before I can "persuade" him to give me more compensation, he takes off. Oh well, I OHKO the last Bug Catcher's wimpy Nincada and exit the woods. Some dude gives us a disc to spit seeds. Unfortunately my pokemon are too dumb to know how to do that so I just keep it in my bag. We experience our first double battle, beat up the three Magikarps guy, and head on to Rustboro City. We heal and head over to the Trainer's School to take a Quick Claw from the teacher. We also go to this random guy's house, and he teaches our Pokemon how to Cut. Great idea, teaching Pokemon a technique that makes them emo. Well then, time to head over to Route 116 to see if there's anyone worth fighting. The trainers are certainly a step up, but they still suck. Pick up some EXP, money, and items, and continue on our way. Return to Rustboro, it's Gym time.

Status insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 16 - 52/52 Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 14 - 34/34 Dallas (Taillow) - Level 14 - 36/36 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 5 - Roxanne's Hard

We beat up the wimpy Youngsters and their Geodudes. Not much to say, none of them attacked. Now for Roxanne.

Her Geodude can deal a bit of damage with Rock Throw or Rock Tomb, but if you have any Water or Grass type above Level 8 this thing goes down quick. Even without a Water or Grass type, a Fighting attack from Combusken or Makuhita work just fine. Nosepass is a whole different story. There's no double weakness to exploit, so just throw everything you've got at it. Rock Tomb can be annoying, so if you've got a Level 9 Poochyena or Level 13 Zigzagoon Sand Attack it, then use your strongest attacks. It has a weakness to every starter. Grovyle can Absorb, Combusken can Double Kick, Marshtomp can Water Gun or Mud Shot. Rock Tomb slows you down, and Roxanne has a couple of Potions, don't be afraid to use your own. Leave your flying types out unless Wingull's your only Water type. Beautifly sucks, don't bother using the Absorb super effectiveness on Nosepass. --I take my badge, money, and TM from Roxanne. Rock Tomb's a decent move, so I keep it for a bit. As I leave the Gym, I see another one of those Team Poochyena Grunts. Eager for some money, I give chase. Dallas wipes out the wimpy Poochyena and I get the Devon Goods. Some old guy reclaims his Wingull and I get the fuck out of there. Now I beat up the two trainers hiding behind Cut trees and go back to Rustboro. That's twice now I saved your company's ass. And you give me another Great Ball. If it weren't for the fact that I have no where to go I'd throw your stuff into the ocean. Well, time to head back to Mr. briney's cottage.

Status insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 17 - 54/54 Dallas (Taillow) - Level 15 - 37/37 Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 14 - 34/34 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 6 - I'm on a Boat!

We journey through the Petalburg Woods again, taking the Cut path this time to get some more items, cause we're just so fucking greedy. We break into Mr. Briney's house (which doesn't have a door...) and demand that we bring us to Dewford. And now... I'M ON A BOAT! Great, we sail for Dewford and somehow arrive there in a matter of seconds. The peaceful town is interrupted by my arrival. I rob several inhabitants, netting myself a Silk Scarf and an Old Rod. Decent haul for a small place. I convince a person there that "Your Mother" is the biggest thing in cool, and head up north. A fisherman who seriously needs to go potty accosts me, and I give him a reason to piss. The next one comes at me with his pro Magikarp.It was a hard fought battle, but his Magikarp was no more. Then his much weaker Tentacool came out. Player 0 is male, so the Tentacool's Wrap attack was ineffective and I emerged victorious. Now all I need to do is level up in Granite Cave, deliver the message, and kick Brawly's ass.


insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 19 - 54/60 Player 0 (Ralts) - Level 16 - 38/38 Dallas (Taillow) - Level 16 - 39/39 ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 11 - 12/31 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 7 - Player 0 joins the Brawl

Player 0 and Dallas plow through the trainers with Confusion and Wing Attack, and we come across Brawly.

Gym Leader Brawly
I send out Player 0. Player 0 uses Confusion four times. Machop and Makuhita faint. I win! --Well, that was fun. I collect my spoils, and run off to Mr. Briney to bring me to Slateport. Oh yeah, the letter. *delivers* Kay let's leave this puny town. Nothing of much interest on the beach, I got Soft Sand and went to the Seashore House for some Soda Pop. Trainers give decent EXP, though. Healing up, selling junk I don't need, training a bit, and I take on the Magma Grunts at the Museum. Their pussy Numel are no match for Player 0. I deliver the Devon Goods and train some more before heading farther up Route 110.

Status insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 20 - 63/63 Dallas (Taillow) - Level 20 - 47/47 Player 0 (Kirlia) - Level 20 - 49/49 ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 12 - 33/33 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

Part 8 - The Battles Three

After doing some catching and training, we find May in the grass. Who knows what she was doing with her back turned like that, but anyways, we battle.

Pokemon Trainer May
My new recruit, Rival, Quick Attacks Wailmer to death. Easy, seeing as all it did was Splash. Numel fell to Water Gun from NESS, and Dallas bitchslapped May's Grovyle with his wing and allowed us to continue on our way. --Well, that was fun. May gives us the useless Itemfinder and--whoa, bike. I want one. We beat up some more people for cash and go north to Mauville City. After healing, we head over to the Gym. Hey, it's Wally! Let's go beat him up for catching a Ralts at Level 5.

Pokemon Trainer Wally
This is the strongest trainer you've faced so far. This is it. THIS IS WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR STAND. loljk. Just use your strongest attack and OHKO his pussy Level 16 Ralts.

--Well, he hands over his cash and leaves for Vendanturf. Unsatisfied by the reward, he stalk him back home, where he's busy crying in his room. Meh, you don't take money from people like that. I sell my useless junk and head back to Mauville for some training and to kick the Gym Leader's ass. The Gym hardly fits the theme. There are a total of two trainers that actually use Electric Pokemon in there. We beat them up along with the Zigzagoon and Meditite they brought in there and go over to Wattson. Whoa. He's a military guys, he sets traps that electrify to the touch, and he looks like Sants Claus as an electrician. Best Gym Leader ever.

Gym Leader Wattson
Expecting a tough fight? TOO BAD. GROUND TYPE TIME. Use a Ground type and this battle's basically over. Magnitude/Mud Shot depending on if you have Geodude/Graveler or Marshtomp. Or if you somehow have a level 45 Nincada, you can use Dig, but you'd have to be fucking insane to do that. Just use your Ground type. Or Grass, if Ground is unavailable. --Well, collect your spoils, TM Shock Wave is good if you can't wait for your Electrike/Plusle/Minun to get an electric attack, and it gives Kirlia another move to use besides Confusion. So head out, go north, you have Rock Smash, right? If not, why the fuck are you waiting, go and get Rock Smash. Head north past the Winstrate house. Go go go.

Status insaneNESS (Marshtomp) - Level 26 - 79/79 - Soft Sand Dallas (Swellow) - Level 23 - 62/62 - Silk Scarf Player 0 (Kirlia) - Level 22 - 53/53 - Quick Claw Rival (Electrike) - Level 22 - 54/54 - Soothe Bell

ZUBAT (Zubat) - Level 12 - 33/33 ZiggyM (Zigzagoon) - Level 3 - 15/15

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