Chapter 1: Realisation

My name is Catrina Melodi Larick, or Cat if your mouths are too lazy to call me by my full name. I had a peaceful mind until I joined secondary school. My heart was fresh and unscarred, nothing had ever broken me. That’s the weird thing about young children, on the outside they’re vulnerable, but on the inside they’re invincible. I sometimes wish my heart would be invincible once again. Wishful thinking doesn’t work though, I know that now. Of course, growing up wasn’t all that bad, I made some brilliant friends on the way. I have my best friend, Patrice Evans, who has been there through everything and who I hope will stay through the rest. Then there is Jennifer Lewis, the girl who gives me the best advice in the world and has helped me out so much. Then there is Dan Street, one of my closest friends, who is like a brother to me. Then of course, there is my real brother, Josh Larick, who is my best friend and protector in one. Without these guys, I think I would have died before I had a chance to tell this story. This story is a story that is told straight from my heart, and I will not alter any of my feelings. This story is about loving the impossible, loving the one who can never love you, loving the one you are not allowed to love. It is a story of the pain I have felt, of the passion I have felt, of the anger I have felt, of the sorrow I have felt. It is a story of my confusion, of my rage, of my fear. It is a story of the most brutal, destructive, horrific love I have ever felt.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! “Fuck Sake!” I moaned under my breath, hauling myself out of bed. I turned off the alarm on my phone, and rubbed my eyes. Another day at school and another day of learning. My Year 10 timetable was very disappointing when I first got it, as I didn’t have the same Maths teacher, Mr Sturges. It’s not that I fancied him or anything; it’s just that he’d let us get away with anything and he was hilarious. However, I had started to like my new Maths teacher, Miss Leeds. She was really nice, with a good sense of humour. I quickly got dressed, pulling on my shirt, my tights, my skirt, my school jumper and my blazer. I straightened my brown hair, and puffed it up until I was satisfied. I then sprayed it with hairspray, applied my make-up and got my things together. I left the house quietly, and walked out in to the cold morning air. It was still dark, due to it being winter.

I walked quickly to my bus stop and greeted a few friends. After ten minutes, the bus turned up and we got on it. Me and a few of my friends sat at the back of the bus, with the occasional chat. However, we soon stuck our iPod headphones in and drifted in to our own worlds. After a long twenty minutes, we arrived at school. I headed off to the corridor that most of my friends met at in the mornings. I was the first one there, and sat beside the radiator to warm myself. A few teachers walked past, and I greeted them all. Mr Sturges walked past me, too. I greeted him enthusiastically, and he looked at me as if I was crazy. I shrugged it off, and some of my friends arrived. Dan walked over to me, gave me a hug and ruffled my hair in order to annoy me. I pushed him off, and rolled my eyes at him. “Hey,” I said, smiling. ‘’Are you okay?’’ ‘’Yeah, I’m okay thanks.’’ He replied. ‘’How about you?’’ ‘’I’m great, thank you.’’ I answered. Dan was one of my closest friends, and if I had to choose a best friend out of all of the people in our school, I would pick him without hesitation. Anyone who didn’t know us would probably think we were trying to flirt with each other, but in truth that would seem incest to me. Though we are not blood related, he is as close to me as a brother. He was also in love with another girl, someone who suited him in every aspect. They were perfect for each other, and love is a beautiful thing. I walked to my tutor, and sat through registration talking to various friends. School was a blur, a long blur of information being forced into my brain. It was lunch before I knew it, and I made my way over to the table in the lunch hall where my friends and I always sat. It was close to the staff table, and I saw Mr Sturges as I walked past. I greeted him, and he once again gave me a weird look. ‘’Hello, Cat…’’ He muttered. My face dropped, and I felt quite sad for a second. This was the teacher that used to never stop talking to me, spending whole lessons talking to just me a lot of the time. Why was he acting like he couldn’t remember who I was? I snapped out of it. Why do you care what he thinks? I thought to myself. He’s just some teacher. I sat down at my table, and began a conversation with Dan. I glanced at Mr Sturges when I could, but he was oblivious. I felt like I was invisible, like I wasn’t there. I finished my lunch shortly before the bell rang for fifth period. I had I.C.T, and made my way up the staircase to the corridor that connected the I.C.T. block to the Maths block. I once again saw Mr Sturges, and looked up at him hopefully. He simply walked ahead, acting like he didn’t see me. I know he saw me. I.C.T. went so slow that I nearly fell asleep. I never did much in I.C.T. because I didn’t understand it. I sat there, listening to our teacher’s voice drone on and on,

when suddenly my mind drifted. I imagined the Maths block, the long corridor that leads to the separate rooms. I saw the disgusting, blue walls and thin blue carpet. I saw all these familiar things, all these things I know so well. And then I nearly gasped out loud. I saw him ask to talk to me, and lead me to his room. I saw him smile at me, smiling with his eyes. I saw him lean over and kiss me, and I did not resist. I kissed him back, and he pulled me in to him. He pushed me in to the wall, and started moving his hands up my shirt, across my breasts. I saw him unbutton my shirt, pull up my skirt. I watched his hands as they‘’Cat? Are you okay?’’ said a voice, interrupting my trail of thought. ‘’Err, yeah. I’m fine.’’ I croaked, trying my best to sound happy. Why wasn’t I happy? Because this person I had imagined wasn’t some boy my own age, it wasn’t some stranger that never existed. It was him. It was Rob Sturges. It was my old Maths teacher. I nearly threw up when I’d realised what I was thinking. Why was I having those thoughts? He was in his late 20’s; he was a fully grown man. He was a teacher, for Christ’s sake! I’m a 14-year old student, and I should be thinking about boys my own age. That’s just too good to be true. I walked out of I.C.T. as quickly as I could, and ran for the Maths block toilets. I sat in there for a couple of minutes with my head against the cool surface of the mirror. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I thought. I’m sure it’s totally normal. It’s not like you actually like him. I walked out of the toilet, and down to tutor. I passed Mr Sturges’ room on the way down, and I quickly glanced round the door. I saw him, and he suddenly looked a lot more attractive than I had first thought. He had those beautiful, cold blue eyes with creases on the edges from laughing. His features were perfect, and his smile was breath taking. I shuddered, once again realising what I was thinking. Snap out of it, Cat. I thought to myself, angrily. I went to tutor, registered and waited for the bell. I felt like my thoughts were written all over my face. I just wanted to get out, away from everything. Away from all the happy faces, the calm minds. Away from him.

I sat cross legged on my bed, and turned on my laptop. I signed in to Windows Live Messenger, and put on some music. Dan spoke to me straight away. Dan says: Hi. How are u? Cat says: HIYA! I’m good cheers, you? Dan says: Im good. You looked really upset earlier, whats wrong?

I panicked then. What do I tell him? I could never tell anyone what happened today, or I’d be the biggest freak out there. Cat says: I was just confused about something, that’s all. Dan says: What were you confused about? Cat says: Don’t worry, I’m fine now. Dan says: No tell me! Do you like someone or somethin? Oh god, what do I say? Surely I can tell him that. It’s not like he’s going to figure out who it is. Cat says: Err, yes. I think so. Maybe… Dan says: OHMYGOD whooo? Cat says: I can’t tell you, it’s really embarrassing. You’d think I was a freak or something. Sorry. X Dan says: I promise I won’t tell anyone. And I won’t think you’re a freak or anything. I knew both of these things, deep down. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I wasn’t even sure of my feelings yet. Cat says: I’ll make you a deal. You have to figure it out yourself, but I can’t give you any clues. However, if you guess it correctly I will tell you. Dan says: But there is like, millions of people in our school and they might not even go there. How am I meant to figure it out? Cat says: Pay attention to how I act around people, when I see them or hear their voice. You’ll figure it out then. Dan says: Just give me one clue, tell me how old they are. Cat says: NO WAY! You’ll figure it out for sure then. Okay I’ll give you one clue; if we were ever together we’d have the law on us. I got to go. Bye. X I quickly logged off, and took a deep breath. I know he cared, but I couldn’t help thinking that he only wanted to know because he wanted gossip. I pulled out my mobile, and started texting Jennifer. She might be able to help with the situation. Hey babe, you okay? Ifeel really shit. Don’t know what to do. Xx

I didn’t know what I was going to tell her. It’s not like I could tell her who it was making me feel bad, but I could give her the basic idea. My phone vibrated, telling me I had a message. It was from Jen. Hey Cat! I’m good thanks. Aww, what’s up? Xx I told her the basics, leaving out the names. I didn’t let on who it was, because I didn’t want anyone knowing. Well basically, I think I might be developing feelings for someone. He doesn’t like me, I don’t think. I could never be with him; it’d get him in to trouble. I just don’t know what to do. Xx I got a reply straight away. The great thing about Jen is that she actually cares about people’s feelings. She didn’t want to know what was wrong so she could have a secret of mine; she wanted to know because she wanted to help me. Aw babe! That’s really bad. Who is he? Xx This was easy. While Dan would get annoyed for me not telling him, Jen would wait until I was ready. I can’t tell you babe. It’s really embarrassing. I’ll tell you when I’m ready, okay? Xx My phone vibrated two seconds after I sent the text. Okay babe. Keep your chin up. Hope you feel better, love you. Xx I smiled to myself. Jen was another of my close friends, and she was always there for me. I fell on to my bed, wrapped myself in the duvet and closed my eyes. I fell asleep almost instantly, after the long day I’d had. He is here, behind me. His soft fingers stroke my naked spine gently, and I breathe deeply. He turns my face towards him, and presses his forehead against mine. I smell his sweet breath, and feel it gently on my face. Our eyes lock, my dark brown ones with his beautiful blue ones. He snaps them shut, and I do the same. His lips gently brush across mine, and settle on the side of my mouth. I giggle, and press my lips firmly against his. We kiss as if we can never get close enough, as if we can’t bear to let go. He breaks his lips from mine, and carries on kissing me. My chin, my neck, my breasts, my ribs, my stomach. He suddenly pushes me down on to the table, and kisses my ears. He lets his lips linger there for a moment. ‘’I want all of you.’’ He whispers. ‘’Then take me.’’ I whisper back. He smiles at me, and before I know it heBEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

My eyes slowly open, entering reality. ‘’What the fuck was with that dream?’’ I said to myself angrily. I quickly got out of bed, and dragged myself to the shower. I walked back to my room and straightened my hair, then put on my school clothes. I applied my make-up perfectly, and left the house with my things. I caught the bus in the nick of time, and sat in the back. I couldn’t be bothered to talk, so I rammed my earphones in and clicked shuffle. It was Damien Rice. ‘’I can’t take my mind off you.’’ He sang. I shut my eyes and let myself go. I let myself think of his face, his beautiful face. I let myself hear his voice, so deep, so perfect. I let myself imagine what his touch would feel like, his rough fingertips stroking my face. I let myself go in to this dream world I had created, where the impossible could happen. Where I could have this untouchable desire, this lust that I couldn’t act upon. I spent a lot of my time wishing that world was real. I arrived at school five minutes late, but my form tutor let me off. I once again rammed my headphones in and listened to music. I think I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth, afraid of what I might say if I spoke. The bell went, and I walked slowly to my lesson, knowing I had Maths. I sat next to Dan in maths, and we had a good chat about his girlfriend. He then remembered our conversation the night before. ‘’I still haven’t figured it out. It must be to do with age if it’s about the law.’’ He said quietly. ‘’Err, yeah that’s not the only reason.’’ I muttered. He leaned in closer, so he could speak without anyone else hearing. ‘’Are you a paedophile?’’ He whispered. ‘’WHAT?’’ I almost shouted. ‘’Of course not! He’s not a toddler.’’ Dan looked somewhat relieved. I rolled my eyes at him. ‘’Then he’s older?’’ ‘’No.’’ ‘’He’s younger?’’ ‘’No.’’ ‘’He’s the same age?’’ ‘’No.’’ ‘’That doesn’t make any sense!’’

‘’I know, I just don’t want to answer because you’ll figure it out.’’ ‘’For god’s sake!’’ I smiled at him sympathetically, and started speaking. I stopped when I heard a voice next door. It was him, it was Mr Sturges. I bit my lip as I remembered my dream, and wanted it so badly to be real. I remembered his words in my dream; ‘’I want all of you.’’ I would give anything to hear him say that to me now. Dan gently punched me in the arm, and I once again entered reality. ‘’Sorry, I got side-tracked.’’ I muttered. ‘’Thinking about him, are we?’’ Dan laughed. I laughed half-heartedly. Of course I was thinking about him. I was thinking about him in ways that you’d never imagine.

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