Larry wins big in first round of court, but the battle takes its toll on SincLIAR's appearance.

By Marv Grasnick and Jeff Dense Stiff Reporters Feb. 28, 2011 10:22AM

Larry SincLIAR stored a victory in D.C. today as he managed to avoid going to jail, or being thrown out of the courtroom of noted Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon. The extremely elderly adventurer vigorously questioned Oprah. The talk show host appeared uncharacteristically nervous and ill-prepared at first, but regained her composure after giving several people in the courtroom new cars courtesy of Chevrolet. Then, it was Larry's turn. Larry had nothing to offer, but the truth. He approached the bench resplendent in a lilac shirt and purple tie that foretold spring was soon approaching and that the cherry blossoms would soon be in bloom, although they would be blooming white and not lilac. Clutching reams of loose and jumbled papers, the spherically coiffed defendant excitedly chortled to the former governor of Puerto Rico, "I have proof Parcheesi is still pornographic! Secret proof I have secretly kept secret until today." He then pulled out a plastic playing piece from the much beloved family board game, thrusting it toward Ponce de Leon, and dropping all his papers. His pudgy foot slipped on one of the errant sheets, and Mr. SincLIAR fell thunderously to the floor, serious injury prevented by his more than ample ass. Undeterred by his clumsiness, the beached whale of a hungry bottom held the playing piece aloft. "See," he screeched, "It's shaped like a penis. Like a penis with a bulbous tip. And children touch these." de Leon peered over the bench at Larry, and giggled, "What a wee wienie, Mr SincLIAR." Larry followed the explorer's eyes, which were fixed not upon the hand that held the pornographic playing piece, but rather Larry's open fly. The playing piece was slightly larger than Larry's exposed package. Mr. SincLIAR quickly zipped, while Ponce de Leon then adjourned the session stating that he needed a drink and asking the bailiff for directions to the nearest fountain. For SincLIAR, today's dramatic victory came at a cost. Forensic biophotometrician Larry Wayne Bells noted that SincLIAR has bloated considerably since his dramatic and internettelevised attempted lardocide. "Mr. SincLIAR consumed a considerable amount of Tic Tacs®," Bells explained. "They are similar in their action to Mentos®, but not as dramatic. If Larry had used Mentos® that fateful night, the Secret Service agent would have found him on all four walls, ceiling and floor." Bells compared the photo of Larry leaving the couthouse with one taken just a few years earlier with Larry standing outside the National Press Club. "You can see how much Mr. SincLIAR has ballooned." Bells points out. In the earlier photo, SincLIAR appears a bit portly (due, in part to his short stature), but fit. He wears a tight fitting T-shirt showing off his nearly flat sucked-in stomach, a pair of white cargo shorts lengthening his stubby calves, and a jaunty pork pie hat. By comparing the ratios of pupil distance to apparent waist size, Bells has calculated that SincLIAR is 1.3 times wider at the waist, which translates to a mass gain of 240%. His calculation is further supported by the size of the AGR (Asseous Gas Reliever) on the ground at Larry's right side which is used to counter the residual gas buildup from any remaining Tic Tacs® and Diet Coke®, and as a substitute for the cerise Butt Buddy® he left in Chattanooga. "I guess this proves me right," a wide and weary SincLIAR whined after leaving the courthouse. Larry also asks all his loyal friend and follower to celebrate yet another victory by sending him large quantities of cash. "They're not going to throw you out of your trailer because of a few missed rental payments," Larry continued, speaking from experience.

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