Fantom-Jacket Jones was waltzing to the Super Umbrella
Outlet as per usual when a sudden burst of lightning scorched his weary dog.
"Bouefrffph!", The pooch attempted to mutter, as he was a
barkless breed.
"Hey, pipe down, killer, save your energy for the hunt tonight", F-Jack smiled as he tenderly and patted the smoldering hound.
When the two best friends arrived at the front door of the S.U.O., they found, to their great dismay, it was closed.
In fact, it had never been opened, it was actually the figment
of some pretty little college girl's imagination as she was rubbing her eyes in a 7am psych lecture.
But, luckily, for us story fans, Sarah was still
daydreaming......
Fantom-Jacket Jones looked down at his dog, Holden, looked
at the "closed" sign, looked back down at Holden, looked back up at the "closed" sign, looked at the grenade in his left hand, looked at the pin in his right hand, and proceeded to blow up the facade of the unsuspecting umbrella retailer.
"Ka-BOOOOM", the Super Umbrella Outlet exploded.
F-Jack felt really really bad about this senseless destruction. He didn't even have the heart to smuggle a cheap pair of galoshes. So, in place of where the front door used to be, he left two thoughtful little gold bars.
Well, I guess it wasn't the gold bars that were thoughtful...
Feeling a little down, F-J Jones and his little friend decided to go to that kegger they had been invited to before the big hunt.
CHAPTER 2
F-Jack walked in the front door and proceeded to make out
with a hundred guys, which totally pissed off his dog, as Holden was totally grossed-out by homos.
Then F-Jack realized he was in the wrong house.
The two went next door to the correct abode and Fantom- Jacket got back to work on making out with tons of guys, continuing to gross-out his dog.
One of the many, many guys F-Jack made out with was none other than Bud Heavy, his long-lost chum from way back.
"Dude!" F-Jack proclaimed.
"Dude!” Bud Heavy articulated.
"Man, it's been a trillion years! Let's go eat a burger!"
"Agreed!"
As the two rekindled, gay buddies walked side by side to the
burger store, it started to rain. It rained like neither of them had ever known. It rained so much that their clothes got ultra-drenched to the point that they were totally dry again!!!!!!
Bud Heavy looked up at the rain, preparing to curse the
downpour, fists raised in anger, when he noticed it wasn't rain at all...
It was actually memories.
Hitting them all over were thoughts of the days they spent in the Zune Valley Daycare, The Porchswing Hangout, Medical School, and the bar.
A nice rainbow lit up the night sky and love was racing around them.
The mini hearts that filled their eyes made it hard to see.
F-Jack took a sip of his memory-soaked beer and winked at
Bud.
Holden was getting pretty fuckin' jealous by this point.
CHAPTER 3
"Yesss", snarled the gnarly Burt Robertz, looking meanly into
his death-o-scope.
"I have them right where I want them."
"What do you mean, sir?" Colby Bracelets whimpered.
"SILENCE! Useless evil sidekick! Don't make me revoke your
internet privileges!!" "Oh!! I'm so so sorry, your evilness, I promise to nev--"
"OUT OF MY SIGHT!", the dreaded Burt Robertz barked as his
stone-like outstretched arm pointed a finger towards the exit.
Colby Bracelets ran away and the evil Robertz gazed once again with GREAT pleasure into his death-o-scope.
"Ooohh hoo hoo hoo!!", he grinned.
"Boy I love putting the smack down on retro-rock musicians."
"But sir, they're not retro-rock musicians, they are reunited
gay frat buddies from way back in the day", Colby corrected.
"They are???"
"Yeah."
"Damn! Hell... well, I can still wipe 'em off the face of the Earth, right?"
"Of course, your wretchedness!"
"Awesome!"
Burt looked super satisfied.
"Sir", Colby Bracelets spoke, "you're sitting on my dinner."
"No I'm not."
"Mr. Robertz, your chair is way over there, and you're sitting on the dining table, right on my Rock & Roll Soufflé."
"Wha-- I... GAD DAMMMMITT!!! ARRGHGH!! HEY, I THOUGHT
I TOLD YOU TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE ANYWAY!! That is IT! I am gonna laser-beam those two musicians and their stupid horse!"
"Dog, sir."
"WHATEVER!"
CHAPTER 4
Sarah, the pretty little college girl, rubbed her eyes again, adjusted her bra, and jotted down s few notes. She looked both to her left and right, to see if anyone noticed her nodding off.
By now she was pretty excited to see what happened next in
the story, so she violently forced herself back to sleep.
CHAPTER 5
"This is a shitty burger", F-Jack complained.
"No doubt."
"Bpphh", Holden tried to wearily exclaim.
"Let's go to the bar."
"Totally", Bud Heavy responded.
CHAPTER 6
The club was extra packed tonight; there was some kind of special on BBQ martinis. The two bellied up to the bar and ordered the special.
"Damn! Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about!"
"Mmmm, yessir, that there is a good drink."
Bud looked up.
"What song is this?" Heavy wondered aloud.
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
"Huh. It kind of reminds me of early Coldplay mixed with the
Righteous Bro---HOLY NUTS!! WHAT THE!!"
Bud pointed frantically towards the window, which had
vaporized into a cloud of glowing dust. Bad guys with lasers hopped in and started terrorizing the joint.
They knocked down tables, tore up beer ads, and even
finished people's drinks.
Then one of the bad guys pointed his laser right at Bud and F-Jack.
He blasted Fantom-Jack's BBQ martini into outer space and
sang that song "Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, good-bye" real annoying-like.
"Awww, that was really good!" F-Jack complained, broken-
hearted.
"Thanks," said the bad guy, "I've been working on my vocals
for an upcoming Queen tribute tape me and my mean friends are thinking about recording." "Hey, that's not a gay joke is it?", Bud Heavy stepped in. "'Cuz gay jokes ain't cool with me." Heavy stared him down. "AT ALL!"
"Oh, no-- sorry dude, I was just..."
"You were just what? Hoping to piss me off?! Well you did. And you did it QUITE well. Now get up out of my face, loser!"
The bad guy got real scared by Bud and dropped his laser and bolted.
The other bad guys did the same.
"God", exhaled Bud quietly, "people can be so nasty."
"I...", F-Jack mumbled, shaking, "I was just... saying how the drink was good, not his singing..."
"Whatever, let's go make out some more, this place is totally
whack."
CHAPTER 7
The two good pals jetted, completely forgetting about
Holden. The third-wheel dog was just sitting there, really fuming from the lack of attention.
Holden thought to himself, "What the hell, F-Jack hasn't said
a damn thing to me in hours, AND he completely forgot about the easter egg hunt we were gonna go on tonight."
The sad, lightning-struck dog decided at this point he was
gonna go to a different bar, one with karaoke, and get super smashed. Maybe try and hook up with a girl dog. CHAPTER 8
The bad guys with lasers came sprinting back to Burt
Robertz's very evil lair.
"Well!!?? What happened? Did you wipe those two hippies off the face of the Earth or what? Did you blast them into outer- space like I asked?"
"Yeah, ah...well, kind of."
"What do you mean, 'kind of'" Burt whined in a mocking
tone.
"Well, we blasted that one guy's drink into outer-space."
"Yeah!", another bad guy hollered.
"Yeah! That was awesome!", said another.
A loud uproar of 'yeah's' and hi-five's encircled the reigning
evilmonger.
"SILENCE!"
The room became very, very silent.
"What is going on? Why won't anyone give me a straight
answer here? I don't care if a million drinks got blasted in to outer-space! I want those two retro-rockers off of this dumb planet!"
"Why do you want to get rid of those guys, anyway, Mr.
Robertz? They seem like totally harmless dudes. And... I don't think they're retro-rockers, I'm pretty sure they're long- lost gay friends who like to party and make out with each other." The evil B-Rob got really pissed.
"I DON'T PAY YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS OR CORRECT MY
MISTAKES!!!! I PAY YOU TO FUCKING BLOW SHIT INTO OUTER-SPACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!"
"Yeah, but..."
"NO YEAH'S, NO BUT'S, SOMEONE GET ME A KLEENEX OR
YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!"
"What do you need a tissue for, sir?", a different bad guy
asked.
"BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO INCOMPETENCE! I'M GOING TO
BED! FUCK THIS!"
"Ok", all the bad guys mumbled collectively, and they all slowly dropped to the floor and took a nap right then and there.
And our friends Fantom-Jack Jones and Bud Heavy took a nap too, even the attention-hungry barkless pooch, Holden, curled up in some Karaoke corner, indifferent to his previous quest for naughty canine action.
In fact, everyone on the face of the Earth took a big, long,
much-needed nap.
A nice smile spread over every face.
The whole planet was still.
CHAPTER 9
Sarah slowly opened her eyes and shook her disheveled
head. Her golden hair flopped in front of her face; she brushed it back with her hand, which was tucked under her University hoodie sleeve, where it was usually tucked.
Sarah slowly looked to her left and quickly to her right, and got super-duper scared, because everyone in the room was sound-asleep. Even Professor Forklift!
Sarah jumped out of the desk, leaving her books behind, and ran to the door.
She started opening the doors of random classrooms and
each one was jam-packed with pleasant sleeping humans.
Sarah ran harder and faster. She was in total freak-out mode by this point. She went to the cafeteria and the bookstore, looking at everyone's smiling restful faces.
After a short while, Sarah stopped being scared, and smiled
a little herself.
"You know", she smiled bigger, "for some reason, I could
really go for a BBQ martini right now."
Sarah later decided against it, because, after imagining what
it would taste like, figured it would be really gross.
She took a shower instead and hummed the chorus of "Total
Eclipse Of The Heart" very softly to herself.
She may as well sing very softly, she was the only one awake to hear it.
At least, for the next couple minutes, when the whole world would rub their eyes and wake up.
