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BORDERS BOOKSTORE (LOUNGE AREA) -- DAY FADES IN JONNY You know I hate spiders? JUSTIN I don't. JONNY They're creepy man. No one likes them. JUSTIN Spider-Man, Spider-Man...does whatever-JONNY Oh give me a break. I bet everyone kills a spider when they see one. JUSTIN Spiders are good for the environment. JONNY Oh yeah? Tell Jeff Daniels that... JUSTIN You're in a bookstore, you want to see if killing spiders is good or not? JONNY I'm just saying that ugly animals do not belong on the Earth. JUSTIN (snickering) Shit, why are you here then? JONNY Oh yeah, real mature. Nice work on killing the mature conversation. JUSTIN Mature conversation? Jeezis, you're the fuckin' terminator over here. JONNY So you're saying that the next time a spider crawls across my computer keyboard I shouldn't kill it?
JUSTIN Nope. Just pick it up and put it somewhere dark. JONNY Oh yeah, it's gonna see dark alright. JUSTIN You're a dumbass you know that? JONNY So let me get this straight. A spider crawls across your goddamn forehead and you don't kill it? JUSTIN No. JONNY One of them big ass tarantulas. JUSTIN No. JONNY You are out of your goddamn mind. JUSTIN Spiders kill flies, ticks, bees and mosquitoes and shit. Spiders are like guardians man. Don't you ever watch the Discovery Channel? JONNY No, I'm too busy dealing with Arachnophobia! JUSTIN Grow up man. The spiders around here aren't anything. Most are smaller than your goddamn fingernail and you want to kill them? JONNY I don't care how small the thing is. I just know that the little ones always have more poison. JUSTIN I bet you had to go through a few Google pages to find that out right? JONNY No, I used Wikipedia, thank you very much.
JUSTIN Wikipedia...Christ. JONNY Yes, Wikipedia. JUSTIN Okay. You see a little frog hop across your porch as you walk outside. You kill that too? JONNY Of course not. Frogs are cool. JUSTIN And Spider-Man isn't!?! JONNY Eh, Spider-Man. Did you see the last one? He cried more than my girlfriend did when I proposed to her after five years of dating. JUSTIN Well excuse me. But the last time I checked there wasn't a fucking Frog Man movie coming out soon! JONNY Ugly animals don't belong. Frogs are cool. Spiders aren't. JUSTIN So I guess you kill slugs then? JONNY Salt showers for the win! JUSTIN You are a murderer. JONNY Do you hear yourself? JUSTIN You kill animals for fun man. JONNY They're animals man. Ugly animals. JUSTIN Doesn't mean you have to kill them. JONNY I never knew my friend was a boyscout...
JUSTIN I just don't think killing helpless animals is cool. JONNY Slugs have no worth so when I see one it's dead. JUSTIN It's a slug for crying out loud-Exactly! JONNY
JUSTIN Slugs are like snails without shells man. You kill snails too? JONNY No, in fact I happen to be a big fan of Spongebob Squarepants and his snail Gary. JUSTIN So if I take off Gary's shell and he turns out to be just another glorified snail you'll kill him too? JONNY Of course not. Gary's cute. JUSTIN You sound like my goddamn sister! JONNY I hate ants too... JUSTIN I swear man you must be the Anti-Christ. You kill ants too? JONNY Ants are big pests. That's all. JUSTIN Did you know that ants work together as a big family and are one of the most important species because of what they do in the rainforest? JONNY No, but I'm glad I have Steve Irwin here to tell me those kind of things. JUSTIN
Typical. JONNY What? You like ants too? JUSTIN I never said I liked any of those animals, I just said that killing them isn't cool. It's stupid. JONNY How about we take you, put you on an episode of Fear Factor and then let slugs, ants and spiders crawl all over you. How would you like that? JUSTIN I wouldn't do it. See! JONNY
JUSTIN No jackass. I wouldn't do it because it would be cruel to the animals. JONNY They're just animals! JUSTIN Just like your dog right? JONNY Dogs are different. Dogs are smart. JUSTIN And cockroaches who have lived for centuries and centuries aren't? JONNY Dogs are charming. Roaches aren't. JUSTIN I'm glad I don't live with you... JONNY Simply put, some animals deserved to be killed-JUSTIN What gives you the right?!? I-JONNY
JUSTIN What gives you the goddamn right to
decide whether or not that ant gets to see another day? JONNY You are blowin-JUSTIN Who gives you the power to end a poor animal's life just because you deem it ugly? Relax-JONNY
JUSTIN Who the hell do you think you are!?! JONNY Will you calm down?-JUSTIN No! I'm not going to calm down when you just told me you kill these creatures because you think you have the power to. JONNY Chill out-JUSTIN Just because you have a thumb and you see an ant you think you reserve the right to crush it right there? JONNY Jesus Jus-JUSTIN Don't give me that shit! JONNY I'm don-JUSTIN You're an animal too right? You're a goddamn animal too. What if I decided I was big shark and the next time you stepped into the ocean I would kill your ass? Even if I wasn't hungry. How would you like that? JONNY Would you let me spea-JUSTIN
What if you're a baby spider? You ever see Charlotte's Web asshole? What if you were Wilber and the farmer wanted to kill you? How would you feel? JONNY Now come on-JUSTIN What if you were Charlotte? Or better yet one of her babies? How the hell would you feel if some redneck came up to you and squashed you because he thought you were ugly? Huh? How the would you feel? JONNY Keep your voice down-JUSTIN Why? Why should I? Because I don't want people to know that my friend goes around killing helpless animals because he feels he has the power of a god since at birth he was given a 3 and a half pound brain? JONNY I'm leaving man. JUSTIN Fine! Get the hell out here. Maybe I should report you to PETA when I get home? Or should I wait until you buy your girlfriend a fur jacket? Huh? What are bears ugly too? Maybe we should go out, find an ugly bear and kill that too? JONNY You're out of your mind man. JUSTIN I just know this. I was put on this Earth to lead a good life. To serve a higher entity than me right? Even if I don't believe in him. So why the hell would I want to kill things? JONNY I was only kidding-JUSTIN Oh now you're just kidding? Let's go tell the dead raccoon that now you're just kidding.
JONNY I don't kill rac-JUSTIN You don't? Well I'll be! You just told me you kill ugly animals and last time I was aware, not many people think raccoons are cute and cuddly. Unless you watch the goddamn Nickelodeon channel 24/7. JONNY Would you drop it? JUSTIN What else do you kill? Sloths? Walruses? Oh I know. I bet you have a big ass Platypus head mounted on your wall! Pleas-JONNY
JUSTIN You know that a platypus is the only mammal that can lay eggs? And that they're also rare? Did you? Justin-JONNY
JUSTIN They look cute to me. JONNY Would you please SHUT THE FUCK UP!?! JUSTIN There. That's all I wanted. now you know you're guilty. JONNY So I smushed a few creatures in my life. You want to ask me if I have any last words before you crucify me?!? JUSTIN (sipping latte) You going to buy that book? JONNY No, I think I'm going to send the 7.95 to a fucking wildlife fund. Jesus Christ man.
JUSTIN Hurry up. I want to see the game tonight. JONNY No Shark Week? JUSTIN All reruns man. All reruns. JONNY I know what I'm getting you for your birthday... JUSTIN (getting up from seat) Planet Earth? Heh, already have that series. JONNY (leaving with Justin) You are one crazy son of a bitch you know that? JUSTIN You should see me when I'm really debating. JONNY That wasn't a real debate there? JUSTIN Did I say I was a vegan? THE END
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