High Viscosity (No Accent)

"High Viscosity"
Based on an Actual Story
Screenplay by
Nicholas Mastro
"HIGH VISCOSITY!"
FADE IN:
INT – DRESSING ROOM – December 21, 2012
An Austrian man, PHILLY FILLET, sits before his

vanity, idly fingering his long, curled mustache. He
stares deeply into his own shallow, vapid eyes, rapt
in his own contemplation.
PHILLY
(Austrian accent)
What the fuck have I become?
A MAN pokes his head in the door and clears his throat.
MAN
You're on in five, sir.
Philly turns his head slightly, keeping eye contact

with himself, and the man vanishes just as he appeared.
PHILLY
Time to take it like a man.
INT – FILLET SHOW! SET – CONTINUOUS
A sodium spotlight hits a curtain backdrop.
ANNOUNCER
And now, for your viewing
pleasure, it's The Fillet Show!
With your host, Philly Fillet!
The curtain rustles as Philly comes on stage and the

crowd cheers.
PHILLY
Thank you, I hate you all and I
hope you die of dysentery. Welcome
to the show.
A HECKLER in the audience shouts at the stage.
HECKLER
You Suck!
PHILLY
Hey meister!
"High Viscosity" 2.
Philly snaps his head sharply to look at the heckler,

then softens his tone.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You know, that was quick, and kind
of clever, too. I should hire you
as a writer. Then I you can have
people laugh at you, and get paid
for a change.
The audience chuckles lightly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
By Gerund's balls, I will kill one
of you mother lovers before the
night is through.
EXT – ZOO – NOVEMBER 9, 1989
A young PHILLY nibbles at a cream filled scone. He

tours the zoo in the brisk autumnal air with his
diminutive, bespectacled father, SVEN.
PHILLY V.O.
As I sit opening my heart chakra
in the repose of deep meditation,
it occurs to me that there is
only one living thing and one non-
living thing, and they are
indistinguishable.
PHILLY
Fodder, can we observe the monkey
exhibit?
Sven nods and they drift towards the gibbons. They

stand, observing. Sven pulls out a pipe and stuffs
some tobacco in the bowl. One of the gibbons becomes
curious and sits on a branch near the iron bars,
peering at Philly.
SVEN
(Austrian accent)
Phillip...
Philly leans in and stares back at the monkey, miming

his motions.
SVEN
...there's something we need to
discuss. the factory...it is
closed.
"High Viscosity" 3.
The gibbon loses his interest in Philly, climbs back

to a higher branch and begins to masturbate. Philly
takes a bite of his scone.
PHILLY
Of course it is closed, Fodder;
otherwise we wouldn't be observing
animal behavior.
PHILLY V.O.
Fact: evolutionary heritage can
be traced because our DNA
possesses all the genetics of
every animal we descend from.
SVEN
No, son... What I mean is now that
the wall is gone, I no longer have
my job. We must move, Phillip-
far, far away.
Sven taps out his pipe and returns it to his coat

pocket. The scone deposits a dollop of cream on
Philly's hand, just as the gibbon ejaculates.
PHILLY
How far away? Stockholm?
The monkey licks the ejaculate off his hand, and

Philly mimics the gesture.
SVEN
No; much, much farther away.
A moment of silence overtakes them both.
PHILLY
Does Argo know?
SVEN
I spoke with him already, yes. He
thinks we should move to the
United States. Oh, the irony...But
I have always trusted his
judgment. Come, Phillip.
PHILLY V.O.
Life itself can be seen as the
development of DNA across space-
time.
"High Viscosity" 4.
They walk on in silence, passing a sign that reads,

”Don't Feed The Animals”. On The sign is a sticker
that reads, “You are NOW breathing manually- No not
Rhesusitate!”
PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

We are neurons; plants are
lung sacs; lizards are skin
tissue...
EXT – MARKET PLACE – 1989
ARGO and PHILLY select produce at their local farmer’s

market. Argo picks up a cucumber and tests its
firmness. Philly radiates an agitated sense of
uncertainty.
PHILLY V.O.
...all functioning together as a
single organism; a clockwork
orange, if you will. Or a
mechanical apple.
PHILLY
Argo... I don’t know if I want to
go to America.
ARGO
Well why not? It’s a pretty great
place.
Argo is a tall, Grecian with a strong jaw line. His

firmness-testing slowly shifts into stroking the
cucumber in a suggestive manner. Philly doesn’t seem
to notice with his eyes cast slightly downward.
PHILLY
I don’t want to lose mein friends,
fodder.
Argo puts the cucumber back, deciding it’s a bit too

small, and picks up a larger cucumber next to it. He
compares the cucumber to his forearm.
PHILLY V.O.
And someone always has to take a
bite of that apple. That's just
the way that life works; life
feeds on life.
"High Viscosity" 5.
ARGO
Well that’s the thing, little
Phillip: friends can be found
anywhere and anywhen- you simply
have to look for them.
Argo pays for the cucumber and places it into his

handbag.
PHILLY
But I don’t want to have to make
new friends. I'm... afraid, fodder.
Argo moves on to squash.
ARGO
Tell me Phillip: what is it you
would like to do most when you
have grown up?
After a moment of thinking, Philly replies.
PHILLY
I want to say jokes for people to
laugh.
PHILLY V.O.
I can still remember those short,
cold days of childhood.
Argo sets the squash down and turns to Philly,

kneeling.
ARGO
Well, in America, you can do that,
or anything else you want to
do...that’s why we’re moving
there. And things like that
attract a lot of friends...
Argo smirks.
ARGO (CONT)
...even girls.
Philly nods his head in understanding and Argo returns

to his produce. He picks up another squash and
squeezes it slightly. Unconvinced, he inserts the
squash into his mouth. The MERCHANT takes offense.
MERCHANT
Hey! Don’t stick that in your
mouth!
"High Viscosity" 6.
ARGO
How else am I to form an accurate
understanding of how soft or firm
it is?
INT – PHILLY'S STUDIO APARTMENT – 2008
PHILLY sits in meditation on a pillow of folded

blanket. His apartment is bare, hardwood, with a set
of dishes, some clothes neatly folded in a pile, and a
hand recorder placed to his side.
PHILLY V.O.
Then a most fundamental truth
occurred to me: I haven’t eaten
anything in a while.
He rises from his meditation position, deftly picking

up his hand recorder on the way, and struts to the
“kitchen”. The counter is littered with a few scraps
of paper and rolling tobacco.
PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

So I woke my legs and drove them
as cattle to the kitchen. Here I
poured a bowl of cereal into
existence.
He pours a bowl of cereal and clicks on his recorder.
PHILLY
As I sit opening my heart chakra
in the repose of deep meditation,
it occurs to me that there is
only one living thing and one non-
living thing, and they are
indistinguishable...
EXT – PHILLY'S APARTMENT PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
PHILLY, dressed in black slacks and a sports blazer

walks up to a black car idling in the parking lot. As
he climbs in the passenger door, LOUIS FRIEND greets
him with a nod and drives off.
LOUIS
So...What's the sermon tonight?
PHILLY
I shouldn't say.
"High Viscosity" 7.
LOUIS
Well, why the hell not? Seven
years bad luck? Don't tell me you
go for that bullshit.
They both look straight-on as Louis drives.
PHILLY
Hey, man, don't knock that which
you do not understand. Luck isn't
as simple as superstition; there
is a constant flux of quantum
variables that keep our universe
stable. the slightest disturbance
of which can cause minor
inconvenience, or worse.
LOUIS
Psychology is fine and dandy, but
I think I'll wait on science- Real
Science- to validate the existence
of “qvantum variables” before I
put a dime on it.
Louis chuckles. Philly looks at him sharply as they

come to a stop light.
PHILLY
That isn't funny, shit-stick.
They arrive at their destination and Louis drives

around back to a loading dock. He parks and they exit
the vehicle.
INT – TEMPLE OF TEUTONTOLOGY – CONTINUOUS
LOUIS walks PHILLY to his ready room to prepare for

the meeting. They traverse a long hallway with doors
lining either side.
LOUIS
Well, it certainly took a long
time to get here.
PHILLY
It took the same amount of time it
always takes, give or take a few
minutes.
Louis takes a tone of amusement.

"High Viscosity" 8.
LOUIS
No, I mean all of this-
Teutontology, the Fillet Show, all
of it.
PHILLY
Yes, well... isn't it funny how
comedy writing takes all the humor
out of you?
They approach a door with a placard which reads:

“Quasi-Fathers Only” and pause at it's threshold.
LOUIS
Well, I'll see you in...
Louis looks at his watch.
LOUIS (CONT.)
...about 10 minutes.
Philly reaches for the doorknob, stopping short. He

looks at Louis, wearing the slightest hint of a
knowing smile.
PHILLY
I'm doing the Sermon of the Alt.
Philly enters the room and closes the door behind him.
Louis lingers a moment, then departs.
INT – MEETING HALL – 10 MINUTES LATER
PHILLY stands at a lectern before stratified fellows

filling staggered, old church pews. Behind him is hung
a large banner of a capital “T” with a short
horizontal line intersecting the vertical midpoint,
encompassed by the infinity symbol. In the front,
fifty fellows wear black robes. Behind them, seventeen
fellows in white robes watch the fifty in front of
them. Behind even those are four more fellows whom,
along with Philly, are wearing the robes of the purple
sage, watching both the white and the black before
them.
"High Viscosity" 9.
PHILLY
Tonight, we assemble in the name
of our Fuh-dher; the trickster of
self conception, and the
hermaphrodite of self deception.
It is by its own dumb imagination
that it came to be, and by its own
clever stupidity that it came to
perceive.
He allows a moment of weight to drip from his words.
PHILLY (CONT.)
As it first perceived itself, it
split in twain; one to observe,
and one to be observed. then two
became three, and so forth. And as
we were created in their image, we
carry this same ability, for our
creation is a mere extension of
the entire fractal regress of
infinity, and that is what it
means to exist.
The congregation pats their hands over their mouths

while howling as in the politically incorrect days of
yore, when the gesture still meant “Indians” to school
children.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Yes, mein Bru-Dahs! As above, so
below, for now is the time, and
here is the place, forever and
ever-
(“Nor-Cal” accent)
awwwwwww man! Quasi-Fathers, the

offerings, please?
The four purple robed fellows at the back walk the

length of the aisles, stopping at each to pass an
offering plate of massive joints. The seated fellows
pass the plate, each taking a joint and leaving a
fiver in place of it. Philly whips out a blimp of a
joint himself.
PHILLY (CONT.)
I believe you know what to do now,
ladies and gentlemen.
"High Viscosity" 10.
They all light their joints and puff furiously for a

few seconds, followed by about thirty seconds more of
coughing. Catching their breath, they repeat the
process, as Philly returns to sermonizing, taking a
moment now and again to puff, himself.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Your exercise for this Sermon is
simple. [Puff] Shortly, we will
pass around another plate. We do
not ask that you donate at this
time; [Puff Puff] this is an act
of the Temple. You will take a
single, whole mushroom each from
the offering plate [Puff] and chew
it thoroughly before swallowing.
The hall is filled with a cacophony of coughs,

accompanied momentarily by Philly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
When you begin to feel it- and you
will feel it- you will go in your
mind, as we have practiced, down
your personal descending path.
[Puff] Do not stop until you meet
the master who makes the grass
green.[Puff] Quasi-Fathers, come
forth.
The four Quasi-Fathers from the back begin to

circulate, passing out mushrooms in the same manner as
they did the joints.
PHILLY (CONT.)
And when you do, you must kill the
master and become the master.
[Puff Puff] When this is
accomplished, you will have your
Persona Alterna. [Puff] Born anew,
fresh and virginal, but still the
same and unchanged, yet [puff]
somehow [puff] different... [puff]
and, uh...[puff] what was I
saying? Oh yes: you will be both
the observer and the observed, as
we transverse the boundaries of
opposites to arrive at the state
of opposames. [Puff] This is where
the Great work begins.
The congregation of fellows pat their mouths while

hooting, again- this time through a thicket of
cacophony.
INT – TEUTONTOLOGY BUILDING ANNEX – AFTER RITUAL
PHILLY, LOUIS, COLONAL, FRANK and PANDORA are sitting

about, socializing in the back still wearing their
purple robes.
PANDORA
This sure is a sweet scam to be
running.
Pandora- a saucy, short, Grecian gal- picks at a bowl

of trail mix.
PHILLY
You don't have to be so oblique
about it, Pandora. We are doing
more than “scamming” people. and,
we need money to fund our
effort...
Philly sticks one of his hands out, fingers spread.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...and, we need people willing to
go out and do the thinks we need
them to do.
He sticks his other hand out and slowly interlocks

them.
LOUIS
He's right.
Pandora glares at Louis.
PANDORA
Shut up, Lou.
LOUIS
Well, he is. It's a necessary
near-evil, not actually evil. And
don't call me “Lou”- I'm you
father for God's sake!
FRANK
(English accent)
So, do you really believe that one
can brainwash others, for the side
of Good? Assuming we can even say
for sure what the dimensions of
goodness are.
Frank- a tall, lanky Brit- giggles through the last

quarter of his words. Philly pulls out another joint
and lights it up.
PHILLY
Why don't you ask the Colonel? Mr.
Angus, what do you think about
Good, and the alternative?
COLONEL
(Southern drawl)
Well, I reckon Good as a generic
ethical concept is easy to grasp,
and fairly valid. Without
significant exposure to similar
behavior, for example, it's almost
universally accepted that 'killing
a newborn baby for pleasure' is
bad, while 'kicking a bully in the
teeth' is fucking awesome, and
damn good.
Colonel- a stocky, good ol' boy- hooks his arm,

imagining he's punching a foe. Colonel and Frank
continue their conversation, while Louis moves closer
to Philly.
LOUIS
You're smoking, again?
PHILLY
Don't be such a Sissy Spacek.
LOUIS
Don't go smoking our profits.
PHILLY
the only good prophet is a smoked
prophet. Ha- you see what I did
there? that's a homophone.
LOUIS
Yes, very clever.
PHILLY
Are you homophonophobic? You know-
afraid of words that sound like
other words?
LOUIS
Hardly! Now... we made 1335 after
all concessions tonight, minus
materials, minus meeting hall
expenses... netting, oh, about
1030. Not bad; not great, either.
There has to be something we can
do to get more of the black level
initiates to cough up for the
supplemental eighths.
Philly takes it all in as he tokes away, leisurely.
PANDORA
And you were saying something
about this not being a scam?
PHILLY
this is some good shit, where's it
coming from?
LOUIS
It's from some co-op just outside
of Berkley. They're calling it
“Heavenly High”- bred by career-
path botanists at a research
facility called “Cloud Nein”. What
a bunch of weirdos.
PHILLY
well, those weirdos sure know what
the fuck they are doing.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – 1992
PHILLY is 19, and clean shaved. He and ARGO are

watching TV in the living room. The show cuts to
commercial and Argo turns to Philly.
ARGO
Phillip, have you preformed your
Heart Chakra meditation today?
PHILLY
No. I don't think I want to.
SVEN enters the living room holding a bowl of snack

food. He takes his seat next to Argo's.
ARGO
Well, you should. It's good for
mind, body and soul.
SVEN
Oh, what are you going on about
now, Argo? that silly New Age
blasphemy, again?
PHILLY
I'm going to go do that, then.
Philly, sensing the start of another argument,

absconds to his room. The conversation resumes once
Argo feels Philly is out of earshot.
ARGO
You know what our son is up
against. He needs all the
preparation he can get.
SVEN
what? You don't think that the one
True God and his only begotten Son
are enough to prepare and teach
our only begotten son?
As the commercial wraps up on the TV screen, Argo

tries to wrap up his debate with Sven.
ARGO
All I’m going to say is that
Roman Catholicism isn’t a very
original story, Sven.
Sven huffs at the notion.
SVEN
Yes? and what would you know about
originality? Or the savior of
humanity, for that?
ARGO
I could ask the same of you, I
hope you realize. But the fact
remains: the story is older than
the Judeo-Christian belief system
itself.
Triumphant, Sven pulls out his strongest circular

argument.
SVEN
You say so, but who else was born
of a virgin, on the vinter
solstice? Who else had twelve
disciples and walked around
preaching the Kingdom of God?
Argo waits patiently for Sven to rest his argument.
SVEN (CONT)
...Who else died and was
resurrected three days later? Hmmm?
ARGO
You really want me to answer that?
Sven nibbles on his party mix.
ARGO (CONT)
Okay...there’s Krishna, Buddha,
Mithra, Zoroaster, Horus, Rami,
Heracles...I could go on for a
while, it’s only a patterns that
occurs in every major mythology,
and many, many minor mythologies.
Sven half chokes, half spits out the party mix.
SVEN
Outrageous!
ARGO
Krishna is perhaps the most
intriguing, I think. He was born
of a virgin, on the solstice; had
12 disciples, one of them his
“Right Hand”; He walked around
preaching the kingdom of the
unified Godhead; he died and was
resurrected three...
Sven is fuming, but reservedly silent.
ARGO (CONT.)
Did you know that he was even
supposed to have raised a man that
was a week dead from the grave?
That man’s name was “El Asuras.”
Sven finally bursts.

SVEN
Stop! STOP IT! that’s NO way to be
comparing the Christ to the
unwashed pseudo-messiahs!
ARGO
But it’s such a common story, we
may as well be talking about our
own son, Phillip, and THAT’S no
way for you to speak of our son!
Sven clinches his fists.
SVEN
LIES!
ARGO
You should just accept that the
past is a mystery, the future is
history, and the present is a
grift.
SVEN
AGHHHHH!
Sven lunges out of his recliner at Argo, tackling him

to the ground and begins ferociously making out with
him.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S BEDROOM - LATER
ARGO and SVEN share their equivalent of “pillow talk”

as they get dressed in the privacy of their room.
ARGO
I don’t mean to say that you’re
“wrong” love; just that what you
believe isn’t meant quite so
literally. That doesn’t alter the
validity of its principals, though.
SVEN
Does that mean you’re going
to...resurrect for me?
INT – THE FILLET SHOW! SET – DECEMBER 21, 2012
PHILLY does stand-up magic before introducing a sketch.

PHILLY
Welcome back, my tender loins!
Tonight, I promise, is a special
night. For one, the Mayan Calendar
ends tonight. More ominous then
that, this show ends tonight, as
well.
The audience groans their sympathies toward the stage.
PHILLY(CONT.)
Now, now; It's not the end of the
vorld. But soon, very soon, it
could be a very new vorld. As the
Christians would say, this is the
time of Revelations, and tonight,
I will reveal some of the most
unnerving things you have ever
heard.
Philly starts to pace back and forth.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Chances are: you’re going to let
someone else form your opinions
for you, so why not let my opinion
be the cause of your follies?
He approaches the audience, continuing:
PHILLY (CONT.)
The facts are clear: most of the
people that want to form your
opinion care so much about you,
they will tear your very mustache
apart just to get a word in
edgewise. In all honesty, I don’t
give a shit about you, so I have
no reason to lie to you.
Using sleight of hand, he produces a cigarette, and

produces an already lit match with great flair to
light the cigarette. After taking a puff, he removes a
coin from his left coat pocket and rolls it across the
knuckles of his left hand, keeping the lit cigarette
between his lips.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You’ll have someone to adore,
someone to respect. Hell, I’m a
pretty straight shooter: if I
don’t know, I’ll say “I don’t
know”; if I think you’re ugly, I
won’t compliment your personality.
I don't even care if you think
what I have to say is bullshit.
He grabs the coin with his right hand, and takes the
cigarette in his now empty left hand. Blowing a smoke
ring, he reveals his closed hand is empty.
HECKLER
Bullshit!
Philly reveals that his other hand holds only the

cigarette. He turns to his right slightly and reaches
into his left coat pocket to pull out an Ace of
Diamonds and handles it with his left hand, displaying
the face of the card towards the audience.
PHILLY
Even better: my actual opinion of
things is so loose and malleable...
He passes the card to his right hand, remaining

slightly turned to his right.
PHILLY (CONT.)
I’m able to accommodate, pretty
much, any deficiency you have in
your personality.
The card vanishes from his right hand and instantly

reappears in his left hand. He repeats this a few
times.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Don’t worry, that’s not an insult-
everyone’s a bit fucked up. and
there is a matter of personal gain
for me, of course! Tomorrow, I get
to wake up knowing that there is
one less douche bag out there that
moves me to daydreams of
apocalypse unannounced: You.
The card vanishes in a sudden flash of fire.

AUDIENCE
(Variously)
Shit! What? OH SNAP! Et cetera!
PHILLY
It’s a change we can believe in!
The audience cheers and Philly takes a formal bow.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Thank you! Thank you so much! Up
next: Nothing is Next, it’s Always
Now!
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – MONTHS LATER
PHILLY is packing clothing into a duffel bag, the

edges of a mustache starting to grow on his upper lip.
SVEN and ARGO are standing at the doorway to his room,
looking in over him.
SVEN
Son, if you walk out that door,
don't you ever think of coming
back.
Sven speaks in a shaky monotone. Philly continues

packing his bag.
ARGO
What Sven means to say...
Argo nudges Sven briskly in the bicep with his elbow.
ARGO (CONT.)
...is that you don't have to
leave. We understand that you are
a man now, and you can feel like
life is pulling you in all these
directions, but we are your
parents, and we love you, and we
just don't want to see you making
any hasty decisions.
SVEN
You ungrateful little sheisse!
Argo nudges Sven a little harder. Philly zips his

duffel bag, jerking his arm the length of the teeth.
PHILLY
I know you don't want me to, but I
have to go. Thank you for your
kindness and all the love you've
shown me, Argo.
Philly grabs his bag and walks to the door. Argo

embraces his son warmly, then steps aside. Philly
turns his head to look at Sven.
PHILLY
Sven, I hope you shit on yourself.
Philly walks passed them and out into the world. Argo
puts his hand on Sven's shoulder.
ARGO
It's not the end of the world. Did
you think he would never grow up?
Sven storms out of the room. Argo lingers in his

sentiment for a moment.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
SVEN is sitting in his recliner watching the Tube when

ARGO enters and takes his adjacent recliner.
ARGO
What is this?
SVEN
What?
Argo gestures at the Television set.
ARGO
This; what are you watching?
Strange sounds of grinding gears and splashing water

issue from the Television.
SVEN
Oh, this is a post-modern
adaptation of a Shakespearean
play, entitled: “the Best Laid
Plans of Robots and Octopodes”.
His words turn to ice mere moments after they part his
lips.
ARGO
You gobble that drivel, don’t you?
SVEN
What?
Sven is only slightly distracted from the program.
ARGO
You prefer to consume poor remakes
of good things that attempt to
mask a lack of creativity with the
notoriety of their original.
SVEN
Yes, I do. I mean, what? No! No, I
do not. This happens to be quite
good.
Sven reasserts his intent of watching the show.
ARGO
I’m guessing there’s a robotics or
machining company backing the
production?
SVEN
Just Semantic Mechanics, LTD, but
PETA is involved, too. And
besides, I don’t “gobble” anything.
Argo spreads a devilish half grin across his lips.
ARGO
What about your dime romance
novels?
Sven tries to pay attention to the T.V., responding in

an overly formal tone.
SVEN
I do not know to what you are
referring.
ARGO
You know, that collection of
books you keep in the study,
buried under rags so I won’t see
them?
Sven begins to lose his composition and concentration.

SVEN
Uh...but...but, but I...
ARGO
You know, the same you steal away
with for hours at a time into the
water closet? I know what you’re
doing in there.
Sven balls his fists and tries to conceal his anger.
SVEN
Are you implying that... that I
have homosexual fantasies while
reading “A Rose by the Door”-
Deborah Bedford's BEST literary
effort? I don’t! And even if I
did, I’d be in there jerking it
for Jesus!
Argo allows a moment of silence to pass before

speaking.
ARGO
You know those books are just
drivel, right? You could write a
computer code that replaces names,
locations and cycles through
adjectives, and just spew those
stories out. But then, you like
poor remakes, don't you?
SVEN
(Indignantly)
If I like poor remakes of things

so much, then why do I think so
lowly of Phillip?
ARGO
Because you’re a prat.
SVEN
A what!?
ARGO
A prat. A plebe. A pinky. A prole.
SVEN
Now you listen...!
ARGO
It’s just a cheap grab, all of it:
“A Rose by the Door”, Cold Play,
“Best Laid Plans of Robots and
Octopodes”... Their only purpose
is to cajole you into buying false
realities and useless products you
don’t need, and it’s everywhere,
everynow.
The program on the T.V. announces the commercial break.
SVEN
I think you’re being a bit harsh...
ARGO
Am I now? What’s this commercial
all about then?
Two twenty-something women are sitting down for

coffee. The FIRST GIRL dabs a napkin at her tears
while the SECOND GIRL listens attentively.
FIRST GIRL
I’m late...again. I know, I just
know bobby is going to leave me if
he finds out.
SECOND GIRL
Don’t you have any options?
FIRST GIRL
I have a card from Planned
Parenthood that says “your fourth
abortion is free,” but I can’t
even afford my third.
SECOND GIRL
Here, try this.
The Second Girl places a box of Tampoon!™ brand birth

control on the table.
SECOND GIRL (CONT.)

This is my secret weapon. You see,
I’m allergic to the pill, and my
husband and I don't like condoms.
And really, who uses a diaphragm
anymore?
The First Girl stops sobbing quite so hard.

FIRST GIRL
Does it really work?
SECOND GIRL
Can you tell that I just had my
ninth home abortion last month?
A Tampoon is illustrated, resembling a tampon with a

six-inch, barbed needle protruding out of the tip.
VOICE OVER
Tampoon’s patented Intrauterine
Harpoon technology allows you to
abort your unwanted fetus cheaply
in the comfort and privacy of your
own home. Daddy will never know he
was one.
PIRATE V.O.
Tampoon! Here thar be fetus!
ARGO
How can that be any substitute for
a safe medical abortion?
Sven sounds his battle cry and charges at Argo,

tackling him and shoving his tongue into Argo’s mouth.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO’S BEDROOM - LATER
SVEN and ARGO make witty pillow talk after violent

sex.
SVEN
But why San Francisco? It's so...
loud there. Why can't he pursue
his dreams here New York? It's
just as much in line with what he
wants to do with his life!
ARGO
Because San Francisco is something
new for him. You've got to let him
spread his wings, Sven.
SVEN
I'm still mad at you for making
fun of my novels.
ARGO
It’s okay to like something that’s
utterly bad. I, for one,
absolutely love Pee Wee Herman.
SVEN
So I’m not the only thing you
gobble up, then?
Sven tickles Argo and launches into round two.
INT – A KID'S THEMED RESTAURANT – 1998
Philly is making ends meet in the heart of San

Francisco. A child's birthday party is in full swing.
TIMMY is gleefully shredding through occasional gift
wrap while the other kids watch in envy. Philly is
chatting up PANDORA.
PHILLY
No, I can't really say I have;
contortion isn't really something
with which I work. I perform
mentalism and manipulations.
He touches Pandora's left arm with his right hand.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Like, card tricks, and mind
reading, general defying of
reality.
Using his touch as misdirection and his words as

subterfuge, surreptitiously slips a card palmed in his
left hand into her right coat pocket.
PANDORA
Come on, show me then.
PHILLY
Okay.
He removes a pack of cards from his breast pocket and

gives them a quick mix.
PHILLY (CONT.)
I'll do the thing, and you tell me
when to stop.
He thumb-riffles the deck in his left hand.

PANDORA
Stop.
Philly takes the top half of the deck in his right

hand and holds out the bottom half to Pandora.
PHILLY
That is your card, please take it.
She clasps the card between her hands as Philly puts

the rest of the deck away. He gestures for her to give
him the card and she does.
PHILLY (CONT.)
The basic stuff...
He holds the queen of spades in his right hand, face

out and grabs it with his left hand, putting it in his
pocket.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...is just dirty tricks.
He removes his hand, obviously empty, and immediately

the card pops into his right hand. He repeats this
twice, stopping with the card in his right hand.
PHILLY (CONT.)
But the good stuff...
Philly flicks the card with his left hand and it

dissolves into confetti which falls to the floor.
PHILLY (CONT.)
The good stuff is in your coat
pocket.
Pandora reaches into her pockets and pulls the queen

of spades from her right coat pocket. She drops the
card as though something were crawling on it.
Retrieving it with a gasp of wonder, she bends down to
pick it up just as Timmy is unwrapping his last gift.
She looks the card over shivers with a sense of slight
unease.
TIMMY
I WANTED “DOLL OF COOTIES:
LOLLERCAUST” TO PLAY ONE MY CUBOX
GAMING SYSTEM! THIS GAME SUCKS!
Poor Timmy throws his copy of “SMALL big World” on the

ground.
PHILLY
Well, I've got to go set up for
the performance. It's right after
presents. I hope to see you there.
Philly saunters off and ducks behind his impromptu

backdrop to prepare. Pandora turns the card over to
find Philly's phone number written on the back. She
lets slip a stifled, bemused giggle. Philly re-emerges
from behind his curtain pushing a black cart in front
of him. The gifts are all unwrapped and the children,
especially Timmy, are growing restless.
TIMMY
Mommy! ...MOMMY! I don't want a
crappy magician! Why couldn't you
get a Ninja? Or some pirates?
Philly sets two fire engine red balls on the table,

then faces the children from behind his cart.
PHILLY
Well, Timmy, it's a good thing
that I'm not a magician. You see,
I'm a pirate.
TIMMY
Yeah? You look crappy magician to
me.
PHILLY
Yes, well this is my day job. when
I'm not doing this, I spend a lot
of time on the plundering the High
Seas of the internet. Besides, a
magician would show you the old
Cup-and-Balls routine, which I am
going to do...
Philly ironically removes a single silver cup from

beneath the cart, placing it on the table. The kids
stare blankly at Philly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
BUT- a magician would tell you
that it is Magic, which I will not
do. A magician would also start
the trick with three balls, and
three cups. I start the Cup-and-
Balls trick with only one cup. I
call this trick, “One Man, One
Cup”.
EXT – RESTAURANT PARKING LOT – AFTER TIMMY'S PARTY
PHILLY is loading his equipment into the back of his

station wagon. His tie is undone and a lit cigarette
hangs from the corner of his mouth. He loads the last
bit of it and closes the tailgate. PPANDORA exits the
restaurant and begins walking towards him. He takes a
final drag from his cigarette and flicks it across the
parking lot, almost hitting Pandora with it.
PHILLY
Oh, hey. Sorry about that, I
thought I was alone.
PANDORA
Yeah, you may be sooner than you
think.
Pandora giggles. Philly nervously follows suit.
PHILLY
So, uh...what's up, cutie?
Pandora, was it?
PANDORA
Wow and I thought that the phone
number on the playing card was
cheesy. I'm gunna be constipated
for, like, a week now.
PHILLY
I'm high in fiber, too. Just eat
some of me and you'll balance it
out.
Pandora's lips take the sultry curve of a harlequin's

smirk.
PANDORA
I think I'll stick with bran
muffins. Hey... you wanna get high?
Pandora pulls out a joint and raises an eyebrow.

Philly raises an eyebrow back.
PHILLY
Sure, why not?
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT – MEANWHILE
SVEN and ARGO are sitting in their recliners watching

TV. Argo makes idle attempts at distracting Sven.
ARGO
You know, I spoke with Phillip
yesterday. You were out shopping,
and you came back with that
story...I had forgotten until just
now.
SVEN
Hm? Oh yes, Phillip. How is he?
ARGO
He's been performing magic at
parties, for hire. Pretty original
stuff, too. The suburbs of San
Francisco can't get enough of him,
it seems.
SVEN
Oh, really? That's nice.
Sven changes the channel, looking for something a

little more interesting.
ARGO
Do you recall when Phillip was
just a little squat? I would spend
hours working out bizarre methods
of giving him his allowance.
SVEN
Blessed virgin, he's talking about
magic still.
Sven flicks through the channels vigorously.
ARGO
I regurgitated it for him, once.
There was another time that I
sneezed it into his hand.
SVEN
Aren't those the same trick?
ARGO
Pulled it out of my eye; out of my
ear; his ear; my nose; his nose...
Sven's face begins to sour.
SVEN
Do you have any idea where money
has been? What am I saying? Of
course you do; you put it there.
ARGO
I've made it appear in my hand; in
his hand; in his pocket; in his
wallet; in his poop...
SVEN
What? How... the heil...did you...
did you do that?
Sven turns to face Argo for the first time in,

probably, hours.
ARGO
That one was pretty clever,
actually. I thought of a way to
wake someone from sleep directly
into a hypnotic state. Then, I
just had him swallow a few
capsules with his allowance in
them. The capsules dissolve, the
money doesn't. The next day, I
slipped some laxatives into his
orange juice; viola!: the “Money-
In-Poop” trick.
Sven returns to his fully up-right, seated position

and begins to channel surf again.
SVEN
Talk about flushing money down the
toilet!
Argo chuckles.
SVEN (CONT.)
Wait a minute. All those times I
would wake up and mein tushie was
all sore...no! You wouldn't!
Argo stops chuckling and braces himself, fixed as the

quasi-literal deer in the fully-proverbial headlights.
SVEN (CONT.)
YOU GET OVER HERE, SEIGFRIED!
Sven lunges at Argo from his recliner, toppling the

lamp table between them, and wrestles him to the
floor. With his shoulders to the ground, Argo's face
begins to twitch with reflexive anticipation. Sven
leans his face closer to Argo's ear and whispers.
SVEN (CONT.)
You don't have to hypnotize me
into being your Roy. MY TURN TO BE
ON TOP!
Sven strip searches Argo's mouth with his tongue.
INT – A VICTORIAN HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN SF
COLONEL and FRANK are sitting on either side of a

coffee table in the den, smoking a hookah.
FRANK
Allegedly the man who sold this
fine smoke stuff to me was a
practicing shaman from Brazil.
Frank blows a lazy smoke ring after a slow drag on the

hookah arm.
COLONEL
Buyer beware: this item may shrink
your head with a voodoo curse!
FRANK
Colonel, honestly, why would you
make such ghastly and
stereotypical remarks?
Colonel tears the hookah arm from Frank’s clutch.
COLONEL
Did I? Do you recall the last time
I shared with you my caveat?
Ahem...four.
FRANK
Err...well, that was a different
case altogether, ol’ boy. We
shan’t be dredging it up again,
shall we?
COLONEL
Fer all I know, you’re bound to
make exactly the same type of
choices, so yes; we shall.
FRANK
Good God, you’re a twit.
Colonel takes a draw from the hookah and ponders.

COLONEL
How did you come to meet this man?
Must’ve been eight.
Frank cocks his head and joins the pondering.
FRANK
If I recall correctly, we met at
the shindig put on by that rather
squirrelly chap who said he was
from Vancouver. Wots his fellow?
Colonel squints for a moment.
COLONEL
...John?
FRANK
Kudos, Colonel! It’s astounding
that you could remember the name
of such a monumental bore!
COLONEL
Libations were consumed, I
assume...twelve, by the by.
Frank shies sheepishly away.
FRANK
Moderately; I wouldn’t be had at
some boorish party without a
little fine tuning!
COLONEL
Never the less, alcohol parted
your lips.
FRANK
Oh, dear me- you’re right!
Colonel continues puffing, now vigorously, at the pipe.
COLONEL
Perhaps I warned you about this at
the party before last. Perhaps it
still applies. Perhaps this is our
sixteenth exchange in a row to
start with a successive letter of
our Roman alphabet.
FRANK
Queerer and queerer, my friend.
Frank slowly reaches for the hookah arm.
COLONEL
Right! So what have we learned?
FRANK
Stop, stop, stop! We’ve just kept
going! “P-Q-R”...and ye gods, I
just began with an “S”!
COLONEL
That’s terrific.
Frank glares at Colonel through the hazy smoke.
FRANK
Ultimately, this exercise only
proves your hatred of me.
COLONEL
“Validation, being what you seek,
is what you get.” Nietzsche, “Thus
Spake Zarathustra”.
FRANK
What the bleeding hell are you on
about?
COLONEL
Xenophobia and yourself- of
course, in your case, it may well
be justified not to trust anyone,
being so gullible and wot.
FRANK
You see here, now, ol’ boy: I’ll
not be taken for one of your rides!
Colonel removes a speck of lint from his lapel.
COLONEL
(rapidly)
Zarathustra says “what?”
FRANK
What?
Infuriated, Frank balls his fists.
FRANK (CONT.)
Oh! I always fall for that!
PANDORA enters the front door, followed by PHILLY.

COLONEL
Hey, little girl! What'd ya' bring
us?
PANDORA
I found a puppy! Can I keep it?
FRANK
Do you remember what Colonel did
to the last dog you had?
PANDORA
Please don't remind me. This is
Philly, and we're gonna smoke a
bunch of pot, IS THAT COOL WITH
YOU?
FRANK AND COLONEL

Yeah!
PANDORA
Philly, this is Frank and Colonel.
FRANK
Welcome!
Philly throws his hand up in a halfhearted wave.
COLONEL
Whatever they tell you, I didn't
fuck that god damned dog.
Pandora snarls at Colonel.
COLONEL (CONT.)
Oh, and howdy!
As Pandora and Philly enter the den, Frank makes room

by moving next to Colonel. Pandora lights the joint
and passes it to Philly. Philly takes the joint and
looks at it hesitantly.
PHILLY
Okay. So honestly, I uh... I've
never smoked marijuana before.
PANDORA
Just smoke it like a cigarette,
but slower. Then hold it in your
lungs for as long as you can.
PHILLY
Well, I had assumed that much...
FRANK
Ooh, you didn't tell us he's
European. What accent is that?
German?
PHILLY
Austrian, actually. What I mean
is... I don't know that getting
high is something I'll enjoy.
PANDORA
Well, you won't know whether you
like it or not without trying it.
So puff or pass, the joint's
burning.
Philly takes a slow, measured draw from the joint,

holds it for just under a second, then begins to
violently cough.
INT – THE FILLET SHOW – DECEMBER 21, 2012
PHILLY walks to an area of the stage where a large

assortment of strange items are arranged on a table
top. Some of the items are obviously drug-related, but
the rest seem poorly misplaced.
PHILLY
Let us talk about drugs!
Philly paces back and forth a couple times behind the

table. He stops in front of a bong and picks it up.
PHILLY (CONT.)
This is a bonnnnnnng.
Philly pantomimes striking a gong.
People use it for smoking

Marijuana, or sometimes something
called Salvia Divinorum.
Philly carelessly swings the bong up and over his

shoulder, sending it through the air. The audience
gasps as the glass twirls in slow motion. Finally, it
careens off the floor once, twice and shatters on the
third impact.
PHILLY (CONT.)
We won't be discussing those
drugs, however.
Philly selects and hoists a spoon and a hypodermic

needle.
PHILLY (CONT.)
This is a hypodermic needle, and a
spoon. It can be used for heroin,
cocain, meth amphetamines, insulin
and such.
Two ninjas sneak onstage from either side while Philly

stands addressing the audience. He turns to the left,
then the right, apparently throwing the needle at one
and the spoon at the other. Both instantly clutch
their chests, a needle and a spoon respectively
protruding from between their fingers.
PHILLY (CONT.)
We haven't enough time for junkies
and diabetics tonight, though.
The ninjas fold over onto the ground. Philly begins

grabbing objects from the table indiscriminately,
briefly describing them and promptly tossing them to
and fro.
PHILLY (CONT.)
This is a crack pipe. and this is
a razor and mirror. and this is a
bag of dicks...
A camera DIRECTOR offstage whispers something at

Philly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...what's that? I'm being told
that was a bag of magic mushrooms,
not a bag of dicks. Oh, well. Un
this is a pot brownie; and this is
bottle of hydrocodone; and this is
a vile of LSD.
After tossing the LSD over his shoulder, he pauses for

a moment in freight.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Uh, make sure whoever cleans that
is wearing latex, or we'll have a
hell of a time explaining it to
the police. Now, I'm not too sure
what these other items are for,
obviously they are for drugs of
some sort.
The camera director whispers something to him from

offstage again.
PHILLY (CONT.)
This bottle is... what? Oh, this
bottle is filled with something
called Jenkems. what is Jenkems?
Philly picks up the bottle to show the audience. The

director whispers again. Philly abruptly drops the
bottle on the floor and shakes.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Ye gods! Heh heh... people really
do that? People, apparently, mix
there own poop with water and huff
it from a 2 liter bottle. You
Jenkems users are fucking gross!
The audience is laughing at Philly's misfortune.
HECKLER
You got served!
PHILLY
What is that, exactly? Was that
supposed to be funny? You realize
that reference doesn't even work
here, right?
HECKLER
Try saying something funny!
The heckler laughs alone.
PHILLY
Hey buddy- you telling me how to
do my job is like a Eunuch trying
to tell a dick joke.
The audience laughs at the heckler now.
PHILLY (CONT.)
We don't have time for any of
this! there is one drug that I
need to tell you about tonight.
It's so important that you will
probably start spying on your
children. And if you don't have
children, you'll spy on the
neighbor's children.
The audience grows solemn.

PHILLY (CONT.)
The drug is Hate. It's consumed so
many people that it's going to
topple our society. And it's
popular because it feels sooo
good, folks. Remember that hate is
a drug: it's okay to party on the
weekends; but when you're chowing
wieners just to get a snuff of
hate, might I recommend seeking
help?
Philly shuffles from behind the table and hangs his

head slightly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Hi, my name is Philly F., and I'm
a Hate-oholic.
The audience erupts with laughter.
PHILLY (CONT.)
It's been about... 20 seconds
since my last homicidal thought.
Reserved laughter ripples through the audience.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Every moment is a struggle...
Awful to see you here, Philly.
Just keep working those steps, it
only get's worse...
Philly struggles with the “American” accent.,

momentarily chuckling at himself.
PHILLY (CONT.)
No, you know what my problem is? I
took a Bodhisattva promise when I
attained enlightenment out of my
undying compassion for mankind, to
reincarnate instead of ascending
to Nirvana, that I can teach and
help others become enlightened as
I am.
Philly looks around the audience.
PHILLY (CONT.)
And the World is Filled with
people like YOU!
Philly deadlocks his gaze on the heckler and the

audience uproariously laughs.
INT – A VICTORIAN HOUSE IN S.F. - 1998
PANDORA, FRANK and COLONEL are messing with PHILLY's

mind on account of it being his first experience with
marijuana.
COLONEL
Wrong; purple, because ice cream
has no bones.
PHILLY
What?
COLONEL
When the eight chestnuts run amok,
a stomach ache can fly awry.
PHILLY
Pandora, make this guy make sense.
PANDORA
Colonel! Stop zeeble breeble gitty
garble. Philly isn't readilla dune
a done a dilly.
Pandora giggles and slaps Philly on the knee. Colonel

looses a gut laugh.
PHILLY
Alright. Cute, guys. Everything I
see keeps, like...click, click,
click...
Philly pantomimes the effect of a strobe.
PHILLY (CONT)
It's all stuttering like a strobe
light, and you guys are fucking
with me. I'm hungry; do you guys
have anything to eat?
PANDORA
Sure, come with me.
Pandora gets up and leads Philly to the kitchen.

INT – KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
PHILLY
You know what sounds good? A
steak! And some fries. Or maybe
some of those cheesy poofy things.
I like those.
Pandora looks in the refrigerator. A half legible note

is stuck to the fridge door: “Something something
Salad”.
PANDORA
All we have is Salad.
Philly peers into the fridge at the salad.
INT – THE DEN – CONTINUOUS
LOUIS enters the front door.
COLONEL
Hey, Louie! How was your day?
LOUIS
Oh, not bad, not bad. Makin' ends
meet for the Chronical, and
otherwise T-C-B, baby. How's it
with you?
Louis hangs his coat on the rack and steps down into
the den.
COLONEL
You know, same ol'...Pandora went
and drug some boy home again. They
got the munchies.
Colonel nods in the direction of the kitchen.
LOUIS
Hm. How about you, Frank?
FRANK
No, I didn't drag a boy home today.
Pandora and Philly come back into the den.
PANDORA
Daddy! Welcome home- I want you to
meet Philly. Philly, my
dad...Louis.
LOUIS
Pleasure to meet you, as usual.
PHILLY
Hi.
LOUIS
I hear you worked up a case of the
munchies.
PANDORA
Not me, just Philly. I tried to
find him some good snack food-
he's never been high before- but
all we had was salad.
LOUIS
No...
PANDORA
So I gave him that, which he LOVED.
PHILLY
Yeah...it tasted...fuzzy. I've
never tasted fuzzy before.
Philly giggles.
LOUIS
No, no, no, NO! PanDORA! That was
the special salad. There was 15
dry grams of magic mushrooms in
that. The super magical kind. For
the thing... tonight.
Philly begins to become aware of his body.
PHILLY
What?
PANDORA
How the hell was I supposed to
know that was the salad for
tonight?
LOUIS
Because I TOLD you. Yesterday! I
said, “Hey Pandora- you know that
salad in the refrigerator? The one
that has a shit ton of mushrooms
in it? Don't eat it.”
PHILLY
Hey, guys?
PANDORA
I don't remember that.
LOUIS
How about the fact that we have
a... thing... planned for tonight,
and that was the only thing in the
fridge.
Philly feels his body being tugged by invisible

forces.
PHILLY
I think the room is going to tilt,
guys.
PANDORA
I thought we were doing that on
Friday.
LOUIS
It is Friday. I even left a note
on the refrigerator door. “DON'T
EAT SALAD”.
PANDORA
I couldn't read that note. No one
could read that note!
LOUIS
For Fuck's fuck, Pandora, you made
the salad. You put the mushrooms
in the salad, and told me “Don't
let me forget and eat this salad
on accident. That would, like,
suck so bad.” AND I DID.
Philly falls over like a statue.
PANDORA
My bad. Well, he'll be alright at
least. Right?
Philly begins to twitch. Louis just stares at Pandora,

disappointed.
PANDORA (CONT.)
RIGHT?!
INT – PHILLY'S MIND, ON DRUGS – EVERYWHEN
Philly floats as a disparate sense of self-awareness,

a stranger in his own psychology. Symbols mingle with
each other, colliding, rearranging, becoming new
symbols. He hears a voice booming from what seems like
everywhere.
LOUIS
Philly! Can you hear me, boy?
Philly, it is imperative that you
follow my instructions. The chaos
that surrounds you is transforming
into a comforting landscape. I
need you to set foot on the ground
and look around.
Finally, everything melts into a coherent gray dream-

scape and Philly transitions from floating to walking
on solid ground.
PHILLY
This is...I have no words.
LOUIS
Once you are on the ground, you
must look around you. You are
inside your own mind, and is it
pivotal that you control your
thoughts. Whatever you think here
will happen.
PHILLY
What?
LOUIS
You have to find your spirit guide
and get your holy name from him.
If you can do that, you'll be
alright.
Philly closes his eyes and rubs them. He begins to

hear strange music reminiscent of Pink Floyd. He opens
his eyes again, revealing them to be fully dilated. He
stands at the bank of a river gazing upon it and
discovers with horror someone trapped beneath its
surface.
PHILLY
Huh...who is that handsome devil?
I should probably try to save him.
Philly smirks at the intoxication of being a hero. The

reflection smirks back.
PHILLY (CONT.)
What’s this, then? You enjoy
drowning, huh? Maybe you don’t
need my help...
Philly huffs and puffs. The reflection follows suit.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Did I miss something? Is this a
joke? Where are the cameras?
Philly stares at his reflection, and they both cackle

maniacal laughter. While they laugh, an ANGEL
approaches on foot. He laughs in an evening news
baritone.
ANGEL
Ha HA! Yes! You see: laughing at
oneself is not only the best
medicine; it’s the first step
towards enlightenment!
PHILLY
What the shit is going on?
ANGEL
It’s kind of cute and cheesy how
reactionary you are!
PHILLY
Eh! Stop calling me cheesy!
ANGEL
You said it! You said the Name!
The angel jumps up and down like an idiot on a game

show.
ANGEL
You just said your new and holy
name: Stockholm E. Cheezy!
Philly is mildly disappointed.
PHILLY
You’ve got to be kidding.
ANGEL
Surely not, snagglepuss. Look to
the sky in 2012.
INT – THE VICTORIAN HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Philly snaps back to reality drenched in cold sweat.

He's still in the Victorian house, now laying on the
couch.
LOUIS
There you are, boy. Hey, hey
listen: you've ate 15 dry grams of
really strong mushrooms, kid.
You'll probably shift in and out
of tripping the rest of the night.
It comes in waves, like a roller
coaster.
Louis drapes a blanket over Philly.
FRANK
I'm so envious.
COLONEL
Hot damn! 15 grams, AND he's gonna
pull through. Probably have some
stories after tonight.
Philly looks up at Pandora, who is all abashed and

embarrassed.
PANDORA
I'm so sorry Philly.
PHILLY
Stop calling me cheesy.
Philly passes out.
INT – THE VICTORIAN HOUSE – THE NEXT MORNING
PHILLY wakes to COLONEL and FRANK watching cartoons on

the TV in the den. His head is a wreck.
PHILLY
Oooh... I feel like someone split
my head in half.
COLONEL
Look who's returned from the land
of the dead!
Colonel mutes the TV, then he and Frank turn to Philly

FRANK
So what was it like?
INT – KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
LOUIS and PANDORA hear talking in the den and enter

from the kitchen. Philly is already describing his
experience to COLONEL and FRANK.
PHILLY
...and I was convinced it was a
real person there, mocking me.
then, suddenly, it was as if there
were some greater joke I was
unaware of and an angel appeared
before me...
Everyone wears their own personal knowing smile as

Philly speaks.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...He made fun of me, told me my
Holy name, and split.
Louis nods at Frank and Colonel, who excuse themselves

from the room for tea.
LOUIS
What’s a cake without blood?
PANDORA
Sounds a lot like the story of
Narcissus.
PHILLY
The Narci-what, now?
Philly props himself up with his hands.
LOUIS
There's a Greek Myth about a
handsome man who would only love
someone as handsome as himself.
Aphrodite, knowing who was as
handsome as Narcissus, trapped her
under the water's surface. When he
saw her, he mistook her for
himself and walked on blissfully
in his self-love.
PHILLY
Sounds like a lot of masturbation
to me. Something I know all too
well, sadly.
Louis checks his wrist watch and promptly leaves the

room without explanation. Philly returns to talking
with Pandora.
PHILLY
So what’s all this name calling
and hallucinating about?
PANDORA
We call it Teutontology; we’re
kind of like the Satanists of
Scientology, breeding Thetans and
snorting engrams. The Semiotic
meaning of the experience is for
your subconscious to sum up your
innermost drives in a single
signifier, an angel in this
example, and to deliver the
signified to the conscious level-
in this case, your “holy name.”
Philly takes it all in for a moment.
PHILLY
This all seems so bizarre.
Pandora leans in and whispers to Philly, pursing her

lips.
PANDORA
I know your parents, you know.
Everyone in this house does,
actually.
Philly drains of color and fills of dread.
PANDORA (CONT.)
There’s a lot about them you don’t
know. They were...well, they were
part of the other side, before you
were born.
Louis enters the room again. He's quickly changed into

a suit and wields a briefcase.
LOUIS
I'm a little pressed for time.
Pandora, take care of him today,
make sure that he's actually
standing on solid ground. You
remember your first time, right?
Philly, it was a pleasure to meet
you.
PHILLY
Likewise...
Louis walks through the front door and into the world.
PANDORA
So... you want I should cook you
up something to eat?
PHILLY
Uh, no... why don't we go to a
diner or some place they don't
keep a supply of mushrooms on hand.
INT – A DINER – MOMENTS LATER
PHILLY and PANDORA sit in a tacky teal and brown

booth. Philly's biscuits and white gravy are already
halfway down his gullet. Several drips of gravy fall
onto his lap as his fork darts another chuck of
biscuit to his mouth.
PHILLY
So how do you know Sven and Argo?
What was that other side they
worked for?
PANDORA
I really don't want to get
involved with you family issues.
Maybe you should just ask them.
Philly takes a rare moment to chew.
PHILLY
Okay. So what is this Teutontology
scheisse all about? Are we talking
about a cult-type arrangement, or
what?
Pandora picks a cherry tomato out of her cob salad and

pops it in her mouth. She's barely touched it.
PANDORA
You could call it a cult. It
isn't, though. Like I said, We're
kind of like Scientologists- only
without the mythology- which is to
say, applied psychology with
different language.
PHILLY
So why not just call it “Applied
Psychology?” You see how it seems
cultish?
After slurping the last of his gravy, Philly's knife

and fork dance on the pancakes.
PANDORA
Because, people need applied
psychology, but they want
something bigger, more personal.
Teutontology will bridges that
gap. At least, that's our goal.
PHILLY
The four of you? Or were there
some more hiding out somewhere?
Half of Philly's half-stack is inexplicably gone.
PANDORA
There are a few other members
right now, but we're growing
everyday.
PHILLY
and you do...drugs? that seems
like a GREAT way to apply your
psychology. Do you do that shit
all the time, or what?
PANDORA
No! Well, okay yeah- I smoke a lot
of weed. But mushrooms is
definitely an “only rarely” sort
of thing. And I've only done acid
once. Last night we were supposed
to do some psyche work with our
Alternate Personalities...
PHILLY
I'm not even going to ask what
that means.
PANDORA
...but I accidentally gave them to
you. That dose was for four people.
PHILLY
(His mouth full of
pancake)
Which you forgot about?
PANDORA
...which I forgot about.
Philly swallows.
PHILLY
If I were to plan- and obtain and
prepare for- a mushroom trip, and
I set a time and a place for it, I
think I would remember some of
those details.
PANDORA
What? I forgot! What else can say?
I can't believe you ate that whole
thing, all of it.
Pandora looks at Philly's plates, which are filled

only with the dogged marks of use. A generous amount
of food clings to his mustache and the corners of his
mouth.
PHILLY
Is it unusual that I'm still
hungry?
PANDORA
Well, you did just sweat and shake
a few pounds off last night.
Philly looks at the clock on the diner wall.
PHILLY
Hey- I have a gig I have to get to
in a few hours, so I'm going to
make like a person who is leaving,
and get the fuck out. Can I get
your number, though?
PANDORA
Nah, I got yours. I'll see you
'round.
Philly puts some money on the table and heads toward

the door.
PHILLY
Yeah, see you 'round.
EXT – A PHONE BOOTH ON THE STREET – LATER THAT NIGHT
PHILLY drops numerous coins into a phone booth and

punches a string of numbers. The receiver rings a few
times, then a prerecorded voice answers.
ARGO
Hello! You've reached the humble
abode of Argo and...Of Argo,
and...say it!
Some shuffling can be hear din the background.
ARGO
... of Argo, and...
SVEN
I don't want to do this degrading
routine.
ARGO
Please, just do it for me? You've
reached Argo, and...
SVEN
and Sv[beeeeeeep]!
Philly begins to leave a message but the receiver on

the other end immediately picks up.
ARGO
Don't hang up, we're home.
At the sound of his voice, Philly sighs in relief.
PHILLY
Argo, it’s Philly.
ARGO
Ah, son! How are you, boy? Your
father and I were just talking
about you. What are you doing with
yourself?
Argo’s dapper and cheerful voice rings through the

phone.
PHILLY
Well, you know. Still doing magic.
Writing a little; I'm thinking
about doing some comedy. All in
all, pretty good.
Philly almost successfully disguises his deceit.
ARGO
That’s brilliant, my boy!
PHILLY
How’s New York? I miss it there.
ARGO
It’s good. The leaves are changing
color just now, and it reminds me
very much of our home.
PHILLY
How is...Sven?
Argo fogs the mouthpiece of his receiver.
ARGO
He’s Sven. He will always be
grumpy, agitated, ill-
humored...but I love him. And he's
your father, Phillip. You should
visit.
PHILLY
Maybe soon. Listen... I met these
people who said they knew you and
Sven.
Argo agitates his spare hand.
PHILLY
Something about working for the
other side...
ARGO
It was a long time ago. Truly, it
was...
PHILLY
Go on...
Argo sighs, speaking after a brief pause.

ARGO
Your father and I used to be in
the Reich. A lot has changed since
then. I can tell you I hold no
reservations for that time in my
life. Your father, however...well,
he’s Sven.
More than a moment passes before the light clicks on

in Philly's head. Then it hits him like a baptism.
PHILLY
Oh...that makes so much sense.
Sven is a Nazi. I always thought
there was something along those
lines, but he was literally a
Nazi. that’s great. Absolutely
wonderful.
ARGO
Phillip, please...don’t make
something big out of this. Your
father loves you very much, even
if he has no idea how to express
it. He’s just a scared, little
man.
PHILLY
I don’t care. I’m done with him.
I’ll talk to you later Argo. Be
safe.
Philly hangs the phone back on its hook without

waiting for a response. Outside, a BUM pounds on the
door. He opens the glass door and steps out of the
booth.
PHILLY (CONT.)
It’s all yours, soldier. Have a
nice life.
BUM
Yeaaah...shim a sun...can’t cunt a
pea...
The bum grumbles as Philly walks down the street.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
ARGO walks into the living room and SVEN is sitting in

his chair, watching the T.V.
ARGO
I was just speaking with Phillip
on the telephone. He’s been making
friends.
Sven is nonplussed.
SVEN
Why did he move to that God-
forsaken city, San Francisco? You
can tell the fennel from the chaff
too easily, it doesn’t suit me.
Argo rests in his own chair.
ARGO
You know, for all your bickering,
Philly is actually quite angry
with you.
SVEN
What else is new? He never
appreciates what either of us does
for him. the sacrifice, the
slaving... all for that ungrateful
snot.
Sven flips through the channels, having made his point.
ARGO
Well, it’s a bit more than that;
I’m afraid... he’s become privy to
the fact that we were once a part
of the Reich.
Sven stops flipping through the channels, gripping the

remote in vice.
SVEN
What does he know?
An infomercial plays as Sven's gaze is transfixed.
ARGO
That is about the extent of it, I
believe.
SVEN
Does he know about the...
experiment?
ARGO
No, I don’t believe so. It’s
possible. Highly unlikely, though.
Sven goes back to channel surfing, settling on a

science documentary about particle accelerators.
SVEN
Oh, see this? People go svitzing
with these atom smashers, and
something is going to blow up and
make a black hole.
ARGO
Would you mind telling me how
exactly a particle accelerator can
cause a black hole?
SVEN
Well, it could cause a quantum
abnormality, warping the seemingly
linear chain of events, causing
itself to in fact come into
existence.
ARGO
There are so many problems with
what you just said, I don't know
where to start.
SVEN
Well, God doesn't like it.
ARGO
God is a metaphysical issue; we're
talking Theoretical Physics.
SVEN
Black holes are metaphysical...
ARGO
No, they arn't.
SVEN
Science hasn't proven them, so
they aren't physics, they're
'metaphysics'.
Argo turns to look directly at Sven.

ARGO
I really am starting to find it
laughable that the Party actually
let you do mad science for them.
Although, it does explain a few
things.
SVEN
Maybe I should come over there and
explain a few things to YOU!
Sven hurtles from his chair, taking Argo down to the

floor.
INT – 15 MINUTES LATER
Sven and Argo's clothes are strewn about. Argo is

smoking while they make pillow talk.
ARGO
Regardless, black holes simply
aren't metaphysical.
SVEN
Yes, well, we certainly know mine
isn't.
They snuggle closer together.
SVEN(CONT.)
I'm going to miss you when I go to
heaven, Argo.
ARGO
That's only because you're going
to die first, love.
INT – THE FILLET SHOW! - DECEMBER 21, 2O12
A sodium spotlight beats down on PHILLY, casting a

silhouette on the curtains behind him.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Welcome, friends and enemies, to
the middle of the show!
Philly begins to pace, his tone visceral.

PHILLY (CONT.)
Now, we are all adults here and I
may yet regret this, but I must
share with you some Truth. There
are many groups with private
interest that do not want you to
know what I am about to say:
almost everything you have been
taught about reality is wrong.
Philly makes shifty eyes to theatrical effect. A white

projection screen lowers behind him as a stagehand
carts in a projector. The projector hums.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You see, history is just another
fiction written by the victors.
Since late prehistory, two
prevailing philosophies have been
in conflict:
Philly produces a cigarette, and slides click in the

projector as images of ancient ruins flash on the
screen.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...the philosophy of Control...
He lights his cigarette. The projector clicks to an

image of a farm.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...and the philosophy of Choice.
One group followed the way of
Choice, and so built many gods for
them to reflect their diversity.
From them, the followers of
Control proclaimed that there was
one God, and they followed all his
rules, or at least pretended to.
This quip gets Philly a few chuckles and a gut laugh.

The projector clicks through a few immediately
identifiable religious symbols.
PHILLY (CONT.)
At first, they all commingled, but
the monotheists craved more
control and tried to subvert the
established order of polytheism.
Enter: Egypt.
Philly takes a puff as the projector clicks to an

Egyptian scene.
PHILLY (CONT.)
The Hebrew populace integrated
like piss and vinegar; Egypt
wasn’t having their One-God-
Nonsense! Exit: Egypt.
The projector shows a still of the Exodus.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Again nomadic, the Hebrew people
migrated to the area of Turkey,
where they called themselves
Egyptians, and came to be called
Gypsies.
There is more heated laughter from the audience, some

nervous, but more hearty. The projector clicks off and
the screen rises again.
PHILLY (CONT.)
And from them, the three major
western Religions, every
governmental institute, every
economy in the world exists- and
it’s all just a Gypsy grift.
Philly steps forward.
PHILLY (CONT.)
There are those who resist the
status qvo, however- those who
prefer choice prefer direct
experience. I call them the Volks
Vegan- Plant People. You have to
ask yourself, now: what do you
trust? The people who tell you
what to think, how to feel, what
to eat? Or yourself? I will leave
you with this thought: Truth is
such that it is manifest in the
sickest of lies. Ewige
Blumenkraft! Eternal Flower Power!
INT – SVEN AND ARGO’S APARTMENT
ARGO enters the room just as the commercial break

starts. He sits in his recliner and speaks after a
moment of hesitation.
ARGO
Sven, love...I’ve been wanting to
go out to California...to see
Phillip. I miss him, and I know
you do, too.
Sven looks at the T.V. screen instead of Argo.
SVEN
You know how I feel about that
place.
ARGO
I do. You don’t have to come, but
I would like you to come.
Sven purses his lips slightly, continuing to look

forward.
SVEN
When?
ARGO
Soon.
Sven turns to look at Argo after a moment of thought.
SVEN
I’ll think on it.
EXT – A NURSING HOME – A FEW WEEKS LATER
PHILLY is doing a gig for two dozen people who are at

least three times his age. They are seated in folding
chairs on the courtyard lawn. Philly stands before
them, unsure of what to do next. Dark clouds are
forming as the sound of living decay issues from the
audience. A MAN from the home suddenly shouts at
Philly.
MAN
HEY! Can we see some magic before
we DIE here?
PHILLY
I'd love to, pops, but we have a
minor hiccup: the home director
isn't sure if I can do some of the
routine that I have planned, and
she needs to run it through her
one-up before I can start.
The old man scoffs at the bureaucracy of the situation.
MAN
I can't believe this horseshit.
They exhumed our sorry, rotting
asses for this “mandatory
entertainment period” and they
aren't even sure if they can let
us see it?
PHILLY
I know, it's pretty ironic, isn't
it?
MAN
Shut your PIE hole! I saw Harry
Houdini preform 23 times. Every
routine, every exposé of
charlatans marauding as psychics
and healers.
The man's eyes well up and twitch.
MAN (CONT.)
I was THERE when Harry Houdini
suffered the fatal stomach punch
that ruptured his appendix.
Tears stream down the old man's face, falling to the

yellowing grass.
PHILLY
Hey, I should be so lucky to have
seen one of the greats.
MAN
You're no Houdini; you never will
be!
PHILLY
Yeah, but why would I want to
escape, this?
Drops come smashing to the ground and the staff

gathers the elderly people, leading them inside the
building. Philly remains standing in the rain as it
slowly picks up pace. Covering her hair with a
newspaper, the DIRECTOR walks out to Philly and
touches his elbow.
DIRECTOR
The corporate supervisors won't
allow the magic show since they
haven't screened it, and you have
no references. I'm sorry.
The director turns to go inside.
PHILLY
Am I still being paid?
DIRECTOR
(still walking away)
Oh, no...not a chance.
PHILLY
I'm keeping the deposit, you crumb
bumbling bumpkins!
INT – PHILLY'S STUDIO APARTMENT – LATER
PHILLY closes his door and hangs his soaking coat on

the coat rack. The apartment is bare- only a pile of
folded clothing and linens, a telephone, a black cart
with wheels and a laptop fills the space of his
residence. Philly unrolls a sleeping mat and throws a
blanket over it, laying down momentarily. He kicks his
shoes off and rolls halfway over, stretching to reach
his laptop, and pulls it towards him. He sits up and
sits cross legged, placing the laptop on his lap. He
open it and creates a new “.txt” file, speaking out
loud as his fingers click the keys.
PHILLY
It's been said that the fear of
public speaking is greater than
the fear of death. I can only
imagine that it would been
intensely worse to have people
laughing at you while speaking to
them. It's a good thing that never
happens to me. Holy shit... could
you imagine having a full time job
where your only activity was
talking and having people laugh at
you?
Philly stops typing.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Scheisse. It's a good idea... I
just need to re-word it some.
The phone rings and Philly sets the laptop aside,

rising up in a singular motion, twisting and spinning
on his heels. The phone rings again. Philly stretches
to the left, then the right then walks to the phone.
It rings again and Philly picks it up.
PHILLY
Shtrudel Doo.
PANDORA
Philly? It's Pandora.
PHILLY
Oh, hi... how's it coming?
PANDORA
You mean 'how's it going'?
PHILLY
I'd rather be coming than going,
wouldn't you?
Pandora giggles.
PANDORA
Silly boy! You should come over. I
have a surprise for you. We just
got some nice Kine Bud in, too.
PHILLY
It's not a surprise if you tell me
what it is.
PANDORA
Oh, the Kine Bud isn't the
Surprise.
INT – THE VICTORIAN HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
PANDORA sets the phone on the receiver and walks from

the hallway into the den. Sitting on the couch facing
her is LOUIS, with ARGO sitting opposite.
PANDORA
He's on his way. He knows NOSINK!
Pandora salutes, then sits next to Louis.
ARGO
Excellent. So what exactly does
Phillip know about his father and
I?
PANDORA
Not much, I just told him to ask
you.
Pandora sticks a lolly pop in her mouth.
ARGO
So he only knows what I've told
him. We'll have to talk, then.
LOUIS
So where's Sven.
ARGO
He had a... headache, as usual.
They're not getting along right
now, anyway. But it’s nice to be
on this side of the country again.
I haven’t been here in a dog’s age!
LOUIS
You haven’t changed a bit, you old
faggot!
ARGO
Yes, well...I would be insulted by
that, but I faggot what it means.
LOUIS
Oh, good one! My brother is a very
clever man!
There comes a knock at the door and Pandora gets up to

answer it, stepping outside.
EXT – FRONT OF THE HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
PANDORA hugs PHILLY as she closes the door part way.
PHILLY
So what is this surprise you're
supposed to be having for me?
PANDORA
You'll just have to wait and see.
PHILLY
Shall we go inside, then?
Philly moves to head in through the door, and Pandora

thrusts her hand forward, giving him a stiff tweak of
the nipple.
PANDORA
Hey! Ladies first.
Pandora enters the house, followed by Philly.
INT – THE DEN – CONTINUOUS
PHILLY
That's not like any lady I know.
PANDORA
Oh, you’re such a cry baby. Cheer
up emo Kid! You’re gonna’ die
someday.
PHILLY
Yeah, well you’ll just have to-
what the fuck? Argo? What are you
doing here?
Philly wrestles his flight response.
ARGO
Hello son. I would like it if we
could talk.
Louis gestures to Pandora to follow him into the

kitchen. Once the room is clear, Philly sits down
opposite his father and crosses his arms.
PHILLY
Has the Reichstag burned down
lately?
ARGO
I a manner of speaking, yes...
your father and I had an argument
about you recently.
PHILLY
Right- and I’m supposed to feel
sorry for you now? That’s how this
works, doesn’t it? Since I was a
little boy, Sven does the damage
and you take care of the cleanup.
So go ahead: fix being Nazi
scientists.
Argo slumps in defeat.

ARGO
You’re right. He’s really a
bastard. We were just geneticists,
Philly. But that doesn’t justify
supporting the Holocaust. I don’t
expect you to forgive me. I just
think you deserve to know
everything I know about this.
Philly softens at the genuine sentiment of this

gesture.
ARGO (CONT.)
Actually, that’s what your father
and I were arguing over. He
doesn’t think you should know. Not
because you don’t deserve to, just
because he thinks no good can come
of it.
PHILLY
How deep does it actually go? I
mean: were you just peons, or am I
looking at decorated officers?
ARGO
We were just scientists. Our
assignment was to obtain a genetic
sample of Hitler, in order to
clone him should anything
disastrous happen to the Third
Reich. We obtained a sample and
preserved it. Of course, History
happened. But we weren’t capable
of cloning until the early 70’s.
PHILLY
The 70’s? No way! Scientists have
barely been able to clone sheep,
just recently.
ARGO
American scientists, Phillip;
Cloning technology was perfected
by underground Nazis in 1973, and
we carried out our assignment and
created a clone of the genetic
sample.
PHILLY
Wait, 1973... that’s the year I
was born.
Philly looks at Argo and Argo slowly nods his head.
ARGO
Yes, you are the result of that
experiment. I’m sorry you had to
find out like this.
PHILLY
I’m a reincarnation of Hitler?!
What?!
ARGO
Settle down, son. No. Yes. Well-
we did use the genetic sample that
was obtained. And you are that
DNA. But something went wrong- the
genetic code didn’t match
Hitler’s. They scrapped the
project, and your Father and I
raised you as our own.
PHILLY
That’s why I’ve always had
nightmares about that book, “Are
you my mother?”- I DON’T HAVE A
MOTHER!
Argo absorbs Philly’s shouting with the grace of

knowing he had it coming.
PHILLY
I’M A HITLER REJECT with FAGGOT
NAZI PARENTS!
ARGO
Please, calm down!
Louis comes in from the other room to make sure

everything is reasonable. Pandora peeks around the
corner.
LOUIS
Come on, Philly, let’s take five.
PHILLY
TAKE FUCK!
ARGO
I think I should be going. I’ll
only make things worse if I stay.
LOUIS
Yes, I think you’d better had.
INT – SVEN AND ARGO’S APARTMENT - MEANWHILE
SVEN is watching TV when the phone rings. He mutes the

sound and answers, clearing his throat.
SVEN
Yes?
FREDERICK
Are you alone?
SVEN
Is this Frederick? Yes I’m alone,
what have you been up to?
FREDERICK
Don’t say my name on the phone! We
have some work you might be
interested in...
Sven listens on the phone, grunting every so often to

note his understanding, then sets the phone back on
the receiver.
EXT – N.Y. DINER – MEANWHILE
SVEN is sitting at the diner bar, waiting for his

contact to show. He eats jam and toast with a cup of
coffee. The waitress harasses him with incessant
questions.
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything else?
You’re sure you’re fine?
SVEN
Nothing! that is all!
The waitress retreats farther down the bar and wipes

the counter with her scowl. A bell tied to the door
dings as a man steps in from the rain. His hair is
slicked and he wears a business suit. When he sits
next to Sven, the waitress scuttles over to service
him.
FRED
Coffee, black- that’s it, thanks.
The waitress saunters over and cleans a coffee mug.
FRED
Long time, Sven.
SVEN
Indeed. What do you have for me?
Fred looks over his shoulder, flexing his chiseled

Aryan jaw line.
FRED
Let’s not discuss that here. It’s
something you really need to see
to appreciate, anyway.
SVEN
Frederick Heimenberger... always
so dramatic. How is it that you
are still with the Party?
As Sven is saying this, the waitress brings Fred his

coffee, setting down a bowl with sugar and cream. Fred
shrugs it off with a chuckle.
FRED
Same as you, I would imagine.
Nobody would believe that a Neo-
Nazi or a gay Austrian would
really be affiliated with the
Party.
SVEN
Fair enough.
Fred mixes ample sugar and cream into his coffee,

leaving it a milky tan, and takes a sip.
FRED
How’s Argo, anyway?
A lump decides at this particular moment to camp in

Sven’s throat.
SVEN
I...I really don’t know, anymore.
We had a fight about Phillip
again, and he left for California
a few days ago. All I’ve been able
to bring myself to do is drink and
watch horrible, horrible
television programs.
Sven’s eyes drip the first melt of his heart’s

discontent.
SVEN
I don’t think he even...loves me
anymore!
He bursts into a pneumatically powered bout of sobbing

and Fred does his best to console.
FRED
Hey now, chin up! These things
happen. It’s not the end of the
world. He was a bit of a bastard
anyway. At any rate, cheer up
because you know I’m rubbish with
this with type of thing.
Fred slaps a fiver on the bar and stands.
FRED (CONT.)
Let’s get out of here.
They step outside where a black Mercedes is waiting.
EXT – AN ABANDONED COUNTRY HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
After a brief drive, they arrive at an abandoned

building and Fred pulls into the driveway.
SVEN
An old, dilapidated house?
FRED
Yes. And no.
Fred puts the car in park and turns the engine off.
They enter the house through the front door. Inside is
what one would expect from the exterior: bare, except
for mold, garbage, and other signs of squatters. They
make their way to the closet in the master bedroom.
Fred opens a trap door and descends a ladder. Sven
follows.
FRED (CONT.)
Now, Sven: even if you turn back
and have nothing to do with this,
I’ll understand- but you must
swear complete confidence. You
know what happens otherwise...
Silence prevails until Sven replies.
SVEN
For the party.
At the bottom of the ladder is a corridor with a

sealed hatch at the end. They walk the corridor and
Fred enters a code into a panel on the hatch. He turns
the handle and a hiss of decompression slinks through
the seal.
FRED
Welcome to Cloud Nein.
Sven ducks his head to step through the hatch and

discovers a sea of green marijuana plants.
INT – THE VICTORIAN HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING
PHILLY, PANDORA and LOUIS are smoking in the den,

blowing off the steam that's built up through the day.
PHILLY
It's just so... discombobulating.
I'm not sure I can [puff] digest
all of this right now.
Philly passes the joint to Louis and holds the smoke

deep in his lungs.
PANDORA
Well, it's not that bad. It's
basically being a test-tube baby,
and I don't see anything wrong
with that.
Louis holds the joint between his pinky and ring

finger, clasping his hands to “power hit” the joint.
Philly hacks a piece of lung up into the coffee table.
PANDORA (CONT.)
Gross!
PHILLY
How many test tube babies do you
know that were made from Hitler's
DNA?
PANDORA
Good point. I guess you'll just
have to lead us and take over ze
VORLD!
Louis hands Pandora the joint, sucking additional air

into his chest cavity and raising his shoulders. He
plants his hands firmly on his legs, thumbs sticking
outward, and holds his breath.
PHILLY
That's not funny. I am from
Austria, you know.
Louis smoothly exhales. Pandora takes a series of

short, shallow puffs, incrementally filling up her
lungs.
LOUIS
I just has a smashing idea! You're
a writer, right Philly?
PHILLY
Yeah, sort of. I mean, I've been
tinkering with prose since I was a
little boy. Trying to write
comedy, lately.
Pandora hands the joint out to Philly and jerks it

back when he reaches to take it. She exhales and
begins her puffing again.
LOUIS
I publish a little rag called The
Chronical- I'd love to have you
write for me. You're smart and
funny from what I've seen of you.
And anyone who can take that dose
of mushrooms, and walk around fine
the next day- he's alright with me.
PHILLY
You publish the San Francisco
Chronicle?
LOUIS
Yes, but you may have misheard me;
that's “Chronical” with an A-L,
not a C-L-E. We're ranked third in
distribution just behind High
Times and Cannabis Culture.
Pandora hand Philly the joint again.
PHILLY
For realsies?
Pandora nods, chocking slightly on the acrid smoke.

Philly takes the joint.
PHILLY
Shit yeah, I'll do it.
Philly hits the joint as hard as he can and Louis

claps his hands.
LOUIS
Wonderful!
INT – CLOUD NEIN – MEANWHILE
SVEN is touring the facility with FRED. Teams of men

in white lab coats walk from plant to plant, jotting
notes and recording data.
SVEN
So...you are growing sweet
smelling tomatoes?
FRED
Not really. These are fifth
generation clones of our newest
project, “Heavenly High”.
Marijuana, Sven; the sweetest,
stickiest dank in the western
hemisphere. “Killer,” as they say.
SVEN
Marijuana? The Party has resorted
to petty drug dealing?
FRED
Petty? I beg your pardon! This is
just one of nine facilities. This
building itself is over one
hundred thousand square feet, with
almost as much cubic feet of grow-
space.
SVEN
But pot?! I HATE dope heads,
always spaced out and barely aware
of what’s going on.
FRED
Then you’re perfect for this job,
Sven! We’ve done a lot of work on
the project already.
Fred picks up a clipboard with a chart on it. He looks

it over, reading off enhancements they’ve already
made. They keep walking.
FRED (CONT.)
We’ve bred it for amazingly high
resin production, with a THC
content of nearly 24%. As a side
effect, we’ve isolated what is
apparently a rather sweet and
aromatic property. It grows 12%
faster, bears 5% more fruit than
the best commercial producers.
He tosses the clipboard on a nearby table.
FRED (CONT.)
The only problem with it is that
all of this before you is
perfectly smoke-able. That’s why
we need you.
SVEN
What?
FRED
You are going to be working on our
Twelfth Generation, lot “L”. We
have to figure a way to make it
kill people after they smoke it.
SVEN
Kill people?
FRED
Yeah, you know- Rappers, Jazz
musicians, High school trouble
makers. A sort of colonic for the
socio-ethnic sphincter.
SVEN
Oh. Great. I’m in.
INT – ARGO’S APARTMENT – 6 MONTHS LATER
ARGO is sitting in his chair in the living room,

dealing tarot cards onto a small table. On the far
side of the table, the Prince of Cups and the Nine of
Wands rest side by side. He places in front of him a
Five of Wands, then a Nine of Cups, then an Ace of
Pentacles. He hesitates, his hand wavering over the
next card to draw. He turns it over, the Knight of
Swords. Argo slaps his knee.
ARGO
Bust! I lost to an imaginary
player.
The phone rings, startling him. He reaches over and

picks up the receiver.
ARGO (CONT.)
Hello!
PHILLY
It’s me. Can we... talk?
Argo squares the deck and begins to shuffle the cards.
ARGO
That’s supposed to be my line.
PHILLY looks down at his shoes.
PHILLY
Yeah. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
ARGO
Yeah... six months and no call-
what's that all about?
Philly looks through the booth at a hobo begging for

change across the street.
PHILLY
I’m sorry. Everything that
happened... it messed with my head
more than a little, by a whole lot.
Argo cuts the deck and turns a card over, The Emperor.
ARGO
You know: we have so much to talk
about. I could come see you.
PHILLY
what about Sven?
ARGO
I haven’t seen him... since before
we last spoke.
Philly’s voice drops in tempo and tone.
PHILLY
I... I’m sorry for you.
Argo begins to choke up.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You can come out to visit whenever
you like, but we have to talk- now.
Argo turns over the Ace of Cups.

ARGO
It pleases me to hear you say
that. Of what would you like to
speak?
PHILLY
Who am I?
Argo turns another card over, this time the Ten of

Cups.
ARGO
You are who you are and I can only
tell you what I know, Phillip.
Philly fidgets with the cord on the pay phone.
PHILLY
You know, growing up all I cared
about was not turning out like
Sven. There was even a time I
thought I knew who I was and I was
happy that I was nothing like Sven.
Argo turns over the Two of Pentacles.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Now, it’s all weird. I have to
know, am I or am I not the clone
of Hitler?
ARGO
You may have even more difficult
times ahead, son. However, you
needn’t worry about this: you
aren’t Hitler. When we spoke last,
I told you there was no genetic
match.
Argo turns over the Chariot card.

PHILLY
I know- but the more I thought
about it, the more it seemed to
make sense. It certainly explains
why I hate so many people, so, so
much.
Philly’s voice trembles at his fear.
ARGO
It’s okay to feel, son. Anger,
fear, love, pain- these things let
us know we are alive.
Philly looks down and to his side, affected.
ARGO (CONT.)
I’m going to go pack. I’m coming
to see you on the first flight I
can.
Argo turns over Death.
ARGO (CONT.)
There’s no reason for me to stay
here now, anyway.
INT – AIRPORT DINER – THE NEXT MORNING
ARGO and PHILLY are sitting in the dinning area of the

airport. It more closely resembles a cafeteria, but
nobody seems to have the energy to complain.
ARGO
Again, I have to apologize for the
manner in which you found out. We
should have been more candid with
you.
Philly pokes at his chicken patty with mashed potatoes

and gravy.
PHILLY
I told you to stop it. I’ve come
to accept that there are things I
cannot change. It’s still...
weird, though.
Argo looks away.

ARGO
So. What have you been doing with
yourself?
Philly starts molding the mash potatoes into a

triangle shape.
PHILLY
You know, just the usual. Writing
for hire, tutoring horribly
challenged teenagers who cannot
speak their own language as well
as I do... my true calling.
Philly spoons a dab of mash potatoes onto the chicken

patty, then another. He arranges them as eyes.
ARGO
Are you dissatisfied?
With ketchup, Philly draws a mouth on the chicken

patty, gives it a broom mustache and a red ball at the
tip of the mash triangle.
PHILLY
Well, it’s a bit limited. I mean,
writing for the Chronical. Don’t
get me wrong, I can write whatever
I want, I have more than enough
money for me to be comfortable and
busy. But...I want more.
Philly cuts the lower right cheek off his chicken

patty man and plops it in his mouth. He masticates and
squirts more ketchup onto the patty along the cut,
simulating bleeding.
ARGO
More like what? Happiness doesn’t
come from an external source, no
matter how good it may seem.
Philly responds through his chewing of another slice

of his chicken victim.
PHILLY
Well, um, you see...I’ve been
spending a lot of time working
with Teutontology. what we really
need is higher recruitment numbers.
ARGO
Is the Hare Krishna approach not
working?
PHILLY
Seriously, now. Do not compare
this to fucking Hare Krishna.
Anyway, what we really need is
more PR- a propaganda outlet.
Argo realizes that Philly is being serious.
ARGO
Propaganda- like what?
PHILLY
I figure people like to be
entertained, and if you can
stimulate them like that, you can
also pass your message to them.
I’ve got the talent, I have the
commitment, I have the material,
even, to put on a fan-fucking-
tastic show. I just don’t have any
way to get that done.
Argo adjusts his coat some and contemplates.
ARGO
I may know someone. I can get you
a meeting, but you have to step
up. To step down is death; the
wages of death is rape.
Philly carves another and another piece of chicken

face and stacks them with the tines of his fork. He
stabs them and jabs them into his mouth, smiling.
PHILLY
But you can’t rape the willing.
ARGO
Now you should be serious. I’ll
have to make some calls, so you
should work on your pitch and your
ideas because I don’t know how
much time you’ll have.
INT - ARGO'S NEW APARTMENT IN S.F. – A FEW DAYS LATER
PHILLY is helping ARGO unpack in his own studio

apartment.
ARGO
I can't believe we're practically
going to be neighbors!
PHILLY
Yeah, about that... I'm moving
into the Big house with Louis and
Pandora, so you'll be neighbor-
less in a while.
ARGO
Are you mad? Moving into the KLUTZ
house? They're great guys, don't
mistake me. But...
PHILLY
It just works out better for me
that way.
Argo picks up a book. Argo looks at the spine of the

book to read the title.
ARGO (CONT.)
I found something you might want
to see. It's Sven's family bible.
PHILLY
Great! Too bad I'm a filthy
heathen.
Argo gives Philly a blank stare.
ARGO
It's a Family Bible, ninny. It
will have your family tree for so
many generations you'll want to
spit.
PHILLY
what?
ARGO
That's what makes it a "Family"
Bible.
Philly stammers at this chance opportunity.
PHILLY
I... what to say? Show me!
Argo opens the book in his leathered hands, leafing to

the back of the book. Finding the Geneological record,
he scans down until he finds "Sven Oppenheimer" and
hands the book to Philly, tapping the entry.
ARGO
See?
Philly follows the entries back in time, reading the

occasional absurd entry.
PHILLY
"Adam Weishaupt...Da
Vinci...Alexander the Great...
Philly cocks his brow at that last entry.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Holy fist fuck! "Yeshua, the
Nazarene?" He's got to be bat-shit
insane, I know it now. He probably
really thinks he Is descended from
Jesus. What a fucking coot.
ARGO
I don't know Phillip...your father
has told me some pretty outlandish
things I didn't believe at the
time- but they turned out to be
true.
PHILLY
Yeah? Truth is subjective.
ARGO
If I smashed you on the head with
a bar stool, would it be
subjective?
PHILLY
Maybe.
Argo grabs the Bible from Philly's hands and thumps

him on the head with the thick tome, causing Philly to
yelp.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Eh! Okay, okay! I get the point!
ARGO
That's Objective reality.
PHILLY
I still think it- and he- is crazy.
ARGO
Fair enough. Let's get the rest of
this unpacked. We have somewhere
to be in a little while.
PHILLY
Where's that?
Argo safely tucks the Bible back into his suitcase.
EXT – BEE’S KNEES ENTERTAINMENT – MEANWHILE
ARGO and PHILLY are walking up the steps to the doors

of the building. Philly is clutching a manila folder;
his hair combed and jelled behind his ears. He wares a
white button up shirt and black slacks. Argo wears a
gray suit and penny loafers.
PHILLY
I can’t believe you got it so
quickly. It is like a punch to the
gut.
ARGO
Breathe. All you have to do is
talk. It’s like writing with your
mouth.
PHILLY
That’s not what I’m concerned
about, but thanks for the pep.
They enter the main lobby and check in with the

attendant. She directs them to the elevator and they
board it.
INT – ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
Elevator music plays a Jazz Muzak rendition of the

theme to “Peter and the Wolf”.
INT – EXECUTIVE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
They exit on the fourteenth floor and read the

directional sign, following an arrow to a door marked,
“Ezra L. Asuras, Executive Editor.” Argo knocks on the
door.
ARGO
Consider me your manager from here
on out. If I clear my throat, stop
talking.
The door buzzes open and a SECRETARY sits behind a

desk.
SECRETARY
Name?
ARGO
Fillet. We have an appointment
with Mr. Asuras.
The secretary looks at the appointment roster, which

is empty, save for their names.
SECRETARY
I’ll have to check with Mr.
Asuras. Just a moment.
She pushes an intercom button.
SECRETARY (CONT.)
Mr. Asuras, two men are here to
see you. They say they have an
appointment.
The intercom gurgles back.
ASURAS
Are they on the appointment roster?
SECRETARY
Yes, sir.
ASURAS
Then, damn it- send them in!
The secretary sends them in through a door on the

right. They walk into a cozy executive office with
ferns, plate windows and a bear rug.
ASURAS
Sorry about Sally- she’s a kind of
a dumb cunt, but she has the
sweetest ass I Ever Saw!
Philly waxes sarcastic.

PHILLY
Yeah, I’d saw her ass in half with
a hacksaw any day.
Argo coughs as they walk towards the desk. Argo

reaches out his hand to shake.
ASURAS
Sit. So, what have you for me? I’m
quite ravenous.
Argo nudges Philly. Philly’s arm spasms and he fumbles

with his papers.
PHILLY
I was thinking of something along
the lines of a Sketch Variety
Show, heavy on the wordplay. I
have a few sketch ideas drafted
for you, as well as samples of my
previous work at The Chronical.
Philly hands Asuras the folder.
ASURAS
You write for the S.F.?
PHILLY
Well, it’s not the-
Argo clears his throat.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...shiniest column in the rag, but
it’s decent enough for work.
Asuras attention drifts for a moment.
ASURAS
What's with the accent? You German
or sumpthin?
Philly furrows his eyebrow.
PHILLY
It's Austrian, actually.
ASURAS
And you always talk like this?
PHILLY
Always.
ASURAS
Hm.
Asuras thumbs through Philly’s portfolio, and sets it

on his desk.
ASURAS (CONT.)
So, tell me more about these
sketches.
PHILLY
Um. Okay. well, there’s Beans and
Rice. It’s about a Mexican and an
Asian that are raised to believe
they’re white and they go on
comedic, racist misadventures.
ASURAS
You’ll have to scrap the name.
Probably rework it a bit, too. Mad
TV already has a sketch called
“Beans and Rice”, with a Mexican
and an Asian corning white kids
into feeling like racists.
PHILLY
Oh.
Asuras plants the folder on his desk.
ASURAS
Is there anything else?
PHILLY
Okay. Same vein, but I’m sure Mad
TV hasn’t done it: “Honky Jihad.”
It’s a serial sketch about a white
supremacist group that plots to
start a race war, but brings about
wide spread racial tolerance.
Asuras rolls his fingers on his desk.
ASURAS
Okay, I could see that with some
work. What about the rest? You
said “Variety”.
Argo clears his throat and takes over.

ARGO
Mr. Fillet has a diverse array of
talents, Mr. Asuras. He is a
magician; he is a musician and a
singer/songwriter; he is a writer;
what he offers is a package- a
persona that captivates and
entices, makes someone willing to
sit through a two-minute break
just to hear the punch line or
learn the twist.
Asuras leans back in his comfortable, executive chair

with special lumbar support.
ASURAS
Needs more dick jokes, kid. You
got any ideas what you might call
it?
Philly snickers.
PHILLY
“The Fillet Show”.
Asuras pauses, only for his thin lips to spread out

and reveal a segmented crescent.
ASURAS
Ah- ha HA! Good one, kid. Give me
a script for a pilot by the end of
the week- 24 pages, standard
format. We’ll go from there.
Philly looks at Argo and raises his eyebrow.
ASURAS (CONT.)
This is not a contract or a
commitment. It’s a test; I won’t
tell you if you’ve failed. I won’t
have to if you do fail.
ARGO
Thank you for your time. I believe
your secretary has our information.
Asuras lights a cigar and puffs on it as Argo and

Philly stand to depart.
ASURAS
Yeah, she does. Now get the hell
out before I change my mind.
As they walk through the door, the secretary is typing

at something or other, probably gibberish, and they
hear Mr. Asuras voice emanate from the intercom.
ASURAS
Sally, could you come into my
office. I can’t seem to figure
where my pen is. Help me find my
pen is, would you, sweetie.
INT – CLOUD NEIN – SIX MONTHS LATER
SVEN, clad in laboratory coat, is standing before row

after row of wilted and dead plants. He gazes
fervently over a clipboard with statistical data and
genograms. FRED has come by to receive a report on
Sven’s progress.
SVEN
It simply doesn’t make any sense!
Every test generation dies once it
begins to flower.
Fred repeatedly clicks a retractable ballpoint pen.
FRED
What exactly have you been doing
for the past five years? Every
time this happens, I have to save
your ass with some lame excuse to
the one-ups.
SVEN
Just sequencing an entire genome
from scratch with the most inept
help one could imagine.
Fred clicks the pen faster.
FRED
Okay. Let’s do that again, a
little more specific.
Sven’s face turns the bleak, dour white of poorly aged

cheddar.
SVEN
Alright. Ugh. Gene 117 on the 7th
base pair is encoded, at present,
to produce strychnine in the resin
glands. we’ve recoded the sequence
over 70 times, from G-A-T-T-C-T-A-
T-G-G...
FRED
Stop! Less specific. Continue.
Sven’s cheddar ripens just a little more from the

control.
SVEN
What keeps happening is the resin
gland produces the chemical, the
rest of the plant absorbs it and
then the plant dies of poisoning.
Fred strokes his chin.
FRED
Okay. I can work with that; at
least I can say that the plant is
doing what it’s supposed to, just
to itself. An oversight that can-
and will-
He looks Sven dead in the eye.
FRED (CONT.)
...be corrected. Take the rest of
the week off and recuperate some.
You’ve been at this for what- two
months without a day for yourself?
We’ll start fresh on Monday.
SVEN
That’s not really necessary, I
can...
FRED
That’s not really a request.
There’s a lot of money going into
this. We need you fresh.
Meanwhile, we have started selling
dried product from clones of the
first 11 generations to help
funding and build a consumer base.
With any luck, our lobbyists can
get it legalized and regulated by
2008-2009. Get something to eat
and get some rest. You might even
try some of this stuff...
Fred tosses Sven a joint.
FRED (CONT.)
It’s always good to know what
you’re giving the folks.
INT – T.V. STUDIO – TWO WEEKS LATER
PHILLY is wrapping up principal photography for his

pilot. He has recruited LOUIS, PANDORA, COLONEL and
FRANK as stand in actors. They are sitting round a
carpet dressed as children and Philly sits in a high
back chair reading a storybook. In character, Philly
is wearing grey stage-hair, speaking with a grizzled
voice.
PHILLY
...and God, in all his infinite
power and wisdom, found that he
was bored- so he created himself
as a man.
Philly shows around the picture in the book to the

“children”: a shabby man with a beer-gut obscuring his
genitals. He turns the page.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Then, in all his comfort and
luxury, he found that he was
lonely- so he split himself in
half...
Again, he shows the picture: “Adam” is squatting and

pushing, with a small pile of feces already under him.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...and sculpted himself as a
woman, also.
The picture this time is a fecal sculpture of a female

form miraculously animating into flesh. He turns the
page.
PHILLY (CONT.)
And, of course, they got bored and
lonely- so they had children. And
those children made other children
with something from somewhere, I
don’t really know.
Philly closes the book. The CAMERAMAN shoots the

scene, pensively, and looks at his CO-CAMERAMAN and
shrugs.
PHILLY (CONT.)
The point is all that dividing was
God- multiplying in people, but
dividing in God. Now, people have
forgotten that they are emanations
of God, and God remains a
Schizophrenic with dissociative
tendencies. Moreover, that’s why
you don’t touch your naughty
areas!
FRANK
But who did the children make
children with?
PANDORA
Mommy told me I have to clean that
area though...
Pandora pretends to hide her shame.
PHILLY
I don’t know- baboons, okay? they
made more children with baboons.
Evolution is right. Piss on the
bloody virgin!
The co-cameraman laughs and the lead cameraman looks

at him with bewilderment.
LOUIS
Billy touched my naughty area in
P.E. today!
COLONEL
Tommy’s lying! We did Greco-roman
wrestling!
The co-cameraman looks back at his lead.
CO-CAMERAMAN
What? This is funny shit.
PHILLY
Hey...
LOUIS
You still touched it, perv!
COLONEL
But it’s Greco-roman...that’s what
those people do, man.
PHILLY
Hey!
LOUIS
That doesn’t make it right, faggot!
PHILLY
HEY!
Philly waves the book at the “children”, barely

avoiding smacking a few of them in the head.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You shits get to bed before I beat
the love of Christ into you!
The “children” scatter like roaches off the stage and

presumably to their rooms. Philly sets the book aside
and rises from his seat to address the camera directly.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Hi. My name is Phillip, but you
can call me Uncle Bastard. I am
available for children’s parties,
motivational encounters and...
Philly raises his eyebrow.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...one-on-one parental
consultation.
He acts as though that’s something for which to feel

sexy.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Just call 555-2323 now! Say,
“Uncle!”
CAMERAMAN
Aaaand cut. Fantastic! Editing
should be finished in about a week
or so, and then it gets the final
review before approval. If you
make the cut, that’s when you get
the pilot aired.
INT – BEE’S KNEES EDITING ROOM – THE NEXT DAY
An EDITOR is sitting in front of a MONITOR watching

and queuing segments of a studio project, a “Space
Dockers” commercial.
MONITOR
“Space Dockers- prepare for
boarding!”
Mr. ASURAS enters the editing room with a stapled

packet of papers. He hands it to the editor.
ASURAS
Here’s the cut list for that
Fillet Show pilot. Make sure the
sequencing cuts to commercials at
the right time, obviously.
EDITOR
Sure thing, Ezra; I’m just
wrapping up on this Corporate
segment for Space Dockers pants.
Can you believe the utter shit
people buy these days?
The editor looks up from his monitor.
ASURAS
What’s that, now?
EDITOR
Space Dockers- it’s Jim’s
commercial for some new line of
pants that zip all the way to the
back waistband so slobs and
internet creeps can crap faster.
ASURAS
They’re paying, aren’t they?
EDITOR
Yeah, but it’s still a bit
strange, don’t you think?
ASURAS
Money is never strange. Chop, chop!
Mr. Asuras sets the “edit and cut” list on the

Editor’s desk and walks out of the room.
INT – CLOUD NEIN DORMATORY, SVEN’S ROOM - NIGHT
Tossing and kicking in his sleep, Sven hears the voice

of his father DIETER from a childhood memory.
DIETER
Remember, Sven, my son- keep it
simple, stoo-peed!
EXT – CATHOLIC SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
DIETER is a soft man with clean hair, a large, bushy

mustache, sharp threads and rosy cheeks. He is
kneeling before SVEN, adjusting the catholic school
uniform of his 13-year-old son. They are at the front
of the school and children are slowly meandering in
through the front doors. Sven grabs up his book strap
and begins to walk to the entrance.
DIETER
I love you, son.
Sven turns to look back, unaffected, and continues

walking towards the door. As he enters, Sven- now an
adult- is in full Nazi regalia walking down the
corridor. He comes to a door with a smallish, square,
frosted window and turns the knob. The door opens only
to assault his vision with the sight of HITLER
receiving some good, old fashioned oral gratification.
HITLER
Ugh...ugh...oh...uh...huh? AH!
Hitler’s eyes find Sven’s and Sven immediately averts

his. He sees that it is Dieter kneeling before the
Fuehrer. Sven recites, more as an affirmation than an
apology:
SVEN
I saw nothing. I’m didn't open the
door. I'm not even here. I don't
think I even exist.
Sven closes the door.

INT – COULD NEIN DORMATORY, SVEN’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Sven wakes with morning wood and a fresh idea in his

mind.
SVEN
Keep it simple, stupid. What a way
to KISS me.
Sven jumps out of his memory foam cot and bolts to his
desk of cluttered case files and loose papers. He
thumbs through a case file and finds a folder titled
“Zyclon B” and another regarding “Hormonal Gene
Sequencing”.
INT – CLOUD NEIN – LATER THAT NIGHT
SVEN is alone in the lab still wearing his pajamas

under his lab smock. He smashes rapidly at a keyboard,
entering variables for a simulation. The monitor
flashes dialogue windows prompting for addition
specifications as it compiles a genome sequence. Sven
glances at the papers he’s culled from his case file
and enters some more data.
INT – CLOUD NEIN CONFERENCE ROOM – THE FOLLOWING MONDAY
SVEN and FRED are having a progress meeting over

coffee and doughnuts. A folder of Sven’s most recent
data, projections and hypotheses lay on the table
before Fred.
FRED
I thought I told you to hold off
until Monday?
SVEN
Well, yes you did- and I was
intending on it, but I was
inspired late at night by a
terrible dream I had.
Fred sips his coffee, creamy as usual, while flipping

through the folio.
FRED
Did the Americans win again?
SVEN
Worse: it was when I discovered my
father was Hitler’s...personal
assistant.
Fred cocks a brow from behind his coffee mug.
FRED
Right, back to business- you say
you may have come up with a way to
keep the plants from dying?
Sven fiddles his cream bar.
SVEN
Dying, yes... it’s not going to
work the first few generations,
I’m sure of that- there’s too many
undefined variables in the coding,
but I believe I have found a
solution; yes.
They sit in silence for a moment while Sven takes

small bites of his cream bar and Fred drinks more of
his coffee.
FRED
Well? What is it?
Sven sets the cream bar on the table. Slight dabs of

cream hang from his chin and upper lip, suggestively.
SVEN
Do you remember U.S. Standard Oil,
what they did for us in the glory
days? Zyclon B is far more potent
than strychnine. Moreover, the
chemical similarity between Zyclon
B and many constituents of
cannabis resin is enough that a
splice could be made on at least
one of the several thousand genes
involved in resin gland formation.
FRED
Are you saying that there’s an
answer, but we won’t have it for
years, maybe decades?
SVEN
Fred... of course not. Many of the
possibilities can be eliminated,
but it will take more time- a
decade, at most.
FRED
I can do something with that- but
expect a lot of oversight. You’re
making all the wrong people
nervous, understand?
Fred Picks up the folder and squares the papers with a

tap on the table. He rises out of his chair halfway
and gestures at Sven’s chin.
FRED (CONT.)
Looks like I just came on your
face or something.
Fred swipes his finger through the cream on Sven’s

chin and licks it. He walks to the door of the
conference room, stopping to look back.
FRED (CONT.)
I know you can do this. I believe
in you.
INT – BEE’S KNEES EDITING ROOM - MEANWHILE
PHILLY and PANDORA are waiting in two editor’s chairs

to screen the final cut of the pilot.
PHILLY
Not even if I were going to be
executed by a firing squad?
Pandora considers this proposal.
PANDORA
No.
PHILLY
Come on! what if survival of the
human race depended on it?
PANDORA
Such as?
He leans back in his chair, swiveling right to left.

PHILLY
No one else is geographically
available?
PANDORA
Oh, so this is “Desert Island”
now? Okay, Gilligan: if it means
extinction, we can do it.
Pandora submits to this hypothetical possibility for a

moment.
PHILLY
You totally want my cock.
PANDORA
Oh, but I do. I want your cock
right in my petticoat...
The sarcasm flies through the air, smacking Philly in

the face as spittle with high viscosity. Argo enters
the room as Philly is wiping the moisture from his
face. Argo’s face reads “trouble” to Philly.
PHILLY
So what’s up with the screening?
Where’s Asuras?
Argo sits in another chair, handing Philly a cassette

and a copy of the “cut and edit” list.
ARGO
You won’t like this...
Philly scans the list, reading the occasional item.
PHILLY
“Cut: ‘Honky Jihad’; Edit for
time: ‘Mona, the Mortician’- two
minutes, forty-three seconds”...
what the crumple? That’s half the
length it should be!
Argo gently settles his hand on Philly’s leg.
ARGO
You’ve got to compromise. I know-
it’s hard. But selling is the goal
at the moment. Later on, you can
fight for creative liberty.
Besides...you signed away your
final cut rights in the contract.
Philly takes a deep breath, hoping he’ll wake up any

moment.
PHILLY
You’re right. I have to get to
first base.
Pandora gently caresses Philly’s shoulder, sending a

chill though him.
PANDORA
Hey! Maybe they cut my awful
acting out!
PHILLY
They DID! “Cut: ‘Unkie Bastard’”!
Pandora coils away from Philly.
PANDORA
You think my acting is...awful?
INT - THE FILLET SHOW - DECEMBER 21, 2012
Philly is introducing a montage of clips from the

shows through the years.
PHILLY
All right. The time we have spent
together, over these past years,
has been the stuff of magic,
truly. Let us take a moment now to
see some highlights of those
years. Frank...
Philly waits for FRANK to run the clip.
PHILLY
Frank? FRANK! Run the clips!
Frank, in the control room, snaps back to full

alertness after having nodded off. He flips a switch
and nods off again.
EXT - A LAKE - CONTINUOUS
PHILLY is dressed as a pirate with an eye patch. He

floats along the water with PANDORA in a dingy. Philly
reaches out and takes hold of Pandora's hand.
PHILLY
You don't have to worry, baby.
Most men have a wandering eye.
Philly lifts his eye patch, revealing a droopy eye.
PHILLY (CONT.)
Mine's just lazy.
INT - CLOUD NEIN - CONTINUOUS
FRED and SVEN survey a fresh test crop, walking along

rows of plants. The plants are about knee-high and in
their sapling stage. The two look at each other,
hopeful and merry.
INT - THE FILLET SHOW - CONTINUOUS
PHILLY, FRANK, COLONEL and LOUIS are marching in place

with a countryside backdrop behind them. They are
decked out in period Union Army regalia from the Civil
War. Colonel, ranked a Colonel, marches lead, asking
questions to rally the men.
COLONEL
And what if there's more of them
than there are of us?
MEN
We shall be nary merciful
mercenaries, sir!
SVEN and FRED stand before row after row of dead

plants. Sven hangs his head in shame. Fred just looks
coldly at him.
PHILLY is buying an Oldsmobile from an elderly couple.
MAN
...and then, BAM! They shot
President Kennedy! Just like that!
WOMAN
Oh, but we weren't exactly
watching it, you know. We didn't
find out until later because we
were buying this car at that very
moment.
MAN
Am I telling the story, or what?
Philly interrupts them, increasingly impatient.
PHILLY
Okay; so- everything is cheese. I
just have one question: why does
the license plate say, "Il Kike"?
The elderly couple looks at each other, bewildered.

The license plate reads, "ILKIKE" with no spaces.
MAN
Well...actually...it's short for
"I like Ike".
INT - CLOUD NEIN – CONTINUOUS
SVEN is smashing at a keyboard behind his computer in

his dormitory room, as various screens and dialogue
boxes open and close.
PHILLY enters the set through a small door to a

quaint, little boutique. PANDORA greets him, dressed
in gaudy gypsy garb.
PHILLY
It's nice to meet you, finally;
I've been waiting for hours! What
took so long?
Pandora replies in a poor quality Turkish accent.
PANDORA
I'm terribly sorry- I was at
church. I thought our appointment
was on Friday.
They walk over to a small circular table with tarot

cards and incense burning, Pandora in the lead. Philly
sniffs the air a few times and gestures holding a
joint to his lips and puffing a few times.
PHILLY
Friday? But you wrote it down. I
even asked you to read it back to
me: you said "Sunday, 5 o'clock".
Pandora pulls her chair out and sits; Philly follows

suit.
PANDORA
I know, I know- my apologies.
PHILLY
So wait- you're a psychic...and
you forgot that our appointment
was on Sunday?
SVEN and FRED stand, again, before a new test crop.

The plants are hearty and tall, having reached the
beginnings of the flowering stage. Everything seems to
be in order looking over the clipboard and the plants
seem to be okay, so everyone is cheerful and light.
PHILLY, PANDORA and FRANK are in a group therapy

session; LOUIS is their bespectacled therapist.
Pandora and Frank are standing, hugging and crying
tears of relief over their reconciliation. Letters
written as part of their therapy have been cast to the
floor.
LOUIS
Doesn't it feel wonderful to open
yourself to meaningful
communication? George, why don't
you go ahead and read your letter
now?
Everyone turns to look Philly, Pandora and Frank still

embracing. Philly holds his folded letter in his hand.
PHILLY
Actually, um...Could we not? I
thought I was supposed to...I
misunderstood the exercise.
PANDORA
Aww, come on!
FRANK
It's only fair- and it feels
really cleansing!
LOUIS
Go on, Philly...
Reluctantly, Philly unfolds his letter and holds it

out before him. He takes a deep breath.
PHILLY
Okay..."Dear Sally; Die, die, die,
die, die..."
The three look on, mortified in place.
PHILLY (CONT.)
"...die. Dear Michael; you reek of
cabbage."
Everyone is frozen by the tension. Philly suddenly

relaxes back into his skin.
PHILLY (CONT.)
You're right, Michael; it really
does feel cleansing!
The new crop is dead, and SVEN is frantically running

around the facility. He stops behind an assistant and
says something to him, pointing to an item on his
clipboard. The assistant thinks for a moment, then
shrugs. Sven smacks him on the head with his clipboard.
PHILLY enters a room in an abandoned building. Rubble

is piled up in one corner, the moon shows through a
window and the wall. Philly recalls his instructions.
ARGO V.O.
Go to this address on a full moon
and sit on the pile of rubble in
the third room, facing the corner.
There, you will attain
enlightenment.
Philly climbs atop the rubble and sits facing the

corner in half lotus position. The scene shifts from
night to day, signified as a sun and moon switching
places in the window, as Philly meditates. Three days
pass. On the third night, Philly suddenly hears a
rumbling from above him on the second floor. A toilet
falls through the ceiling, crashing on his head and
covering him in debris and feces. Two SQUATTERS come
running in from another room. Seeing Philly, they stop.
SQUATTER 1
Who the fuck is that? I haven't
seen him here before.
SQUATTER 2
No one knows, really. Some say
he's a holy man trying to attain
enlightenment; others just say
he's a shit head.
Philly's head explodes as he attains enlightenment.
SVEN is sitting at his computer, looking dejected. He

scours over statistics and projections, trying to
determine what had gone wrong this time. Out of
suppressed self-disgust, he punches a pencil cup on
his desk without provocation.
EXT - THE FILLET SHOW - CONTINUOUS
PHILLY is in hobo attire, walking down the street

wielding a large picket sign that reads, "The End Is
Near!" He walks passed two people chatting and sipping
coffee outside a cafe. Philly makes no eye contact,
even when the bystanders begin staring at him. As
Philly continues walking down the street, the
bystanders stare at the back of Philly's sign, which
reads "And the beginning is even CLOSER than THAT!"
The bystanders appear baffled.
SVEN is taking a walk to try relaxing for a moment.

The dead plants surround him. They look like dead
Christmas trees dripping green duck crap, which only
makes Sven feel worse. He stops walking to take a deep
breath, hoping to regain some composure, but he erupts
anyway.
SVEN
What is it?
Sven reaches out to touch one of the plants, caressing

a withered leaf. He grabs hold of the main stock of
the plant and begins thrashing it about.
SVEN (CONT.)
What is it? What is it? What IS
IT?!
Sven's thrashing shakes the plant out of it's pot,

sending the pot into a few other pots and knocking
them over. Sven drops to his knees, then hangs his
head and sobs. He looks up a little to wipe his eyes
and a small, black object catches his peripheral
vision. Sven quickly wipes the rest of his tears away
and reaches for the object. He jerks his hand back
just before he picks the rat up. He looks at it now,
knowing what it is: a rat, laying there coiled in the
fetal position, thoroughly dead. He picks it up by the
tail and an idea occurs to him. Rattail in hand, Sven
snatches the uprooted plant as well and races to his
computer in the analysis room.
INT – CLOUD NEIN MEETING ROOM – THE NEXT DAY
SVEN is explaining to FRED his suspicions and his

discoveries.
SVEN
We’ve had a rat all along. I
tested the plant and it’s clean.
It’s CLEAN! The rat died from
eating it. So it’s been failing-
and this is funny, because it’s
what’s been keeping me up at
night- it’s been failing because
we have an infestation of rats!
Fred stares in disbelief.

FRED
Do you have any proof?
Sven places a small manila folder on the table and

slides it towards Fred.
INT – BEE’S KNEES OFFICE – MID AUGUST 2012
Mr. Asuras’ personal assistant- The ASS- is on the

phone using her networking skills to set up production
for the final Fillet Show! airing.
FRED
Cloud Nein licensed dispensaries,
this is Fred, how may I help you?
THE ASS
Hi! I’m the ASS, personal
assistant to Mr. Asuras, executive
producer and editor of “The Fillet
Show!” variety hour. We’ve wanted
to do a production using large
quantities of cannabis since it
was legalized in 2009, but we’ve
only recently been able to
negotiate terms for permits and
the like. I’m just calling around
to price different dispensaries,
and you’re first on the list.
FRED
That’s great! How’d you hear about
us?
THE ASS
Your name’s all the buzz. Even Mr.
Fillet speaks highly. There was
even one type he wouldn’t shut the
fuck up about- something heavenly
or some such...
FRED
Heavenly High?
THE ASS
That’s it! Hey, can we get to the
skinny? What kind of prices are
you willing to negotiate?
Fred pauses for the briefest of moments.

FRED
Truth be told, I’m kind of a big
fan of the show. Don’t tell
anyone, please- it would ruin my
image of seriousness.
Fred chews it over.
FRED (CONT.)
Fuck it- we’ll do the show, gratis.
INT – THE FILLET SHOW! SET – DECEMBER 21, 2012
Stagehands are laying down black drip tubing along the

audience seating. Outside, the ASS is walking down the
admission line with a clipboard. She stops at a COUPLE
in line.
THE ASS
Welcome to the show! I’m the ASS
and I’m just going around getting
everyone to sign one of these
waivers informing you that
tonight’s performance will expose
you to THC vapors, and you agree
to be exposed, and release The
Fillet Show and Bee’s Knees
Productions from any and all
liability pertaining to said
exposure.
MAN
Okay...I have to sign something?
Is there some kind of cover
charge, or...?
THE ASS
No cover, just a three-laugh
minimum.
The WOMAN touches the man’s arm.
WOMAN
I dunno, honey. Remember the last
time you got stoned out of your
gourde? It took three grown men to
pry you from that Plexiglas ice
cream cone.
THE ASS
I assure you, ma’am, we have no
cones on the premises. We’ll even
be providing refreshments.
The ASS hands them the clipboard.
MAN
It’s on like Viet-Cong!
The man signs the waiver and hands it to his lady

friend.
WOMAN
I guess we could always get a cab.
She signs the waiver with a sigh.
THE ASS
In San Francisco? Fat chance!
The ASS grabs the clipboard and moves on to the next

in line.
INT – THE FILLET SHOW! BACKSTAGE – DECEMBER 21, 2012
ARGO sits, eating candied walnuts as the audience

files into the seating area on the other side of the
set. PHILLY approaches the stage curtain and looks at
Argo. Argo looks back and they share a tender pre-
performance moment.
ARGO
Break a leg, son.
INT – FILLET SHOW! STAGE - CONTINUOUS
Philly stands on his queue, gripped with dread. The

time seems to stretch out before him without end as
the audience settles. Finally, the CAMERAMAN begins
his countdown.
CAMERAMAN
...and five...four...three...
The cameraman mimes the “two” and the “one”, and

Philly comes onstage. A sodium spotlight hits a
curtain backdrop.
ANNOUNCER
And now, for your viewing
pleasure, it's The Fillet Show!
With your host, Philly Fillet!
The curtain rustles as Philly comes on stage and the

crowd cheers.
PHILLY
Thank you, I hate you all and I
hope you die of dysentery. Welcome
to the show.
A HECKLER in the audience shouts at the stage.
HECKLER
You Suck!
PHILLY
Hey meister!
Philly snaps his head sharply to look at the heckler.
INT – FILLET SHOW! BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS
ARGO hears the opening monologue, muffled by the

partitions that keep him from being visible to the
audience. Out of habit, he raises his wrist to check
the time. When he lowers his wrist again, he sees SVEN
standing backstage, some ways away and walking towards
him.
PHILLY (O.S.)
By Gerund's balls, I will kill one
of you mother lovers before the
night is through.
ARGO
...Sven?
Sven looks particularly tired- more run down than

usual.
SVEN
Argo.
ARGO
Where the devil have you been all
this time?
Sven stops in his tracks and studies his feet and the
surrounding floor for a moment. Sheepishly, he
responds.
SVEN
I’ve been working...on a project.
It’s finished now, and I don’t
particularly feel like discussing
it. Somehow, though, Phillip’s PA
located me and gave me an
invitation to come. She said
Phillip wanted me here for a very
special event.
Argo stands and slowly walks towards Sven.
ARGO
He said the same to me- a “very
special event...”
Sven holds his hands out to halt Argo.
SVEN
Argo: I don’t expect you to
forgive me for leaving. I know I
can be a very difficult person to
love, but I...
ARGO
I’ve always loved you, Sven. It’s
part of who I am.
They rush together, entwining in the mutual elation of

a rapturous embrace.
ARGO (CONT.)
I have moved out of our apartment.
I live in this “god-forsaken city”
now.
SVEN
(Somewhat playful)
You didn’t!
(More seriously)
What about all of my things?
ARGO
I have kept them in storage. By
the by, we found the Oppenheimer
Family Bible in the move. I always
knew there was something special
about you, priory of scion... ha!
Sven’s lips draw tight and stiff, his eyes glowing

embers of reproachful embarrassment. He pulls away
from Argo.
SVEN
It is real, Argo. It is really
real.
Argo gives this some thought for a moment.
ARGO
If that’s the case, we need to
discuss something. I think I may
have figured why our little
Philly’s genes never fit.
INT – THE FILLET SHOW! STAGE – TOWARDS THE END OF THE

SHOW
The audience roars. While they hoot like primates,

SVEN runs onstage. ARGO, in pursuit, is trying to stop
him.
ARGO
Sven, stop! It can wait!
PHILLY
Ladies and gentlemen, please to
welcome my father, Sven, and my
Other Father, Argo!
Sven tries to intervene, but is drowned out by the

applause.
SVEN
Phillip, you need to stop now,
there’s...
PHILLY
You know, my Father Argo and I
have been estranged from my father
Sven for too many years to
comfortably speak about.
The audience, like a singular entity, lets out a long,

sympathetic “awwww...”
PHILLY (CONT.)
Shortly after he left us, I
discovered that they were both
Nazi scientists in their youth. It
caused some major friction between
myself and Argo.
Argo stands beside Sven, both spellbound in place. The

audience hisses at them in distaste.
PHILLY (CONT.)
But we’ve worked through that,
even considering that I’m a failed
clone of Hitler himself!
Thinking it a joke, the audience laughs.
PHILLY (CONT.)
...and tonight I can say this with
a clean heart: Father, I forgive
you, though you have sinned. I
love you, Father.
Philly hugs Sven and the audience melts at the display

of warmth. All the while, THC vapors seep from the
black drip tubing laid along the audience seating.
SVEN
But Phillip! You weren’t cloned
from Hitler’s DNA. We think it was
Dieter’s- my father’s- DNA.
Philly untangles his arms from Sven.
PHILLY
How is that even possible?
SVEN
Dieter was his...was Hitler’s...
personal assistant. I didn’t even
know back then, not until I saw
them together. He acquired the
genetic sample through...
Sven swallows hard.
SVEN (CONT.)
...through the act of fellatio.
that’s why your and Hitler’s genes
don’t fit; you’re a clone of
Dieter.
PHILLY
So wait...you’re saying that... I
am my own grandfather?
The recurrent HECKLER in the audience stands and

begins to sing the refrain of the well-known song.
HECKLER
“I’m my own grand-pa! I’m my own
grand...”
The audience laughs with delight. Philly draws a

revolver from inside his sports coat and fires three
shots directly into the chest of the heckler. He
collapses and the crowd gasps in horror. One of them
screams.
PHILLY
(Lightly)
Let’s have a round of applause for
the house heckler, everyone!
The heckler stands, revealing his “chest loads” and

the connected trigger that detonates the loads. He
demonstrates a few more simulated chest shots to make
sure the audience knows it was a ruse, bows and exits
stage right as the audience claps.
SVEN
Don’t you realize, Phillip? You
are a virgin birth from the line
of David, the line of the Christ-
you are the New Messiah!
The audience, still thinking this is a joke, laughs

and laughs. Argo nudges Sven and speaks under his
breath.
ARGO
Sven, come. We can discuss this
after the show.
The audience builds to a roaring laughter. Tears are

streaming from cheeks and thighs are being slapped.
Suddenly, someone in the audience begins choking. A
few audience members look at this person as the rest
continue laughing. Two more people in the audience
begin choking and gasping. Soon, the wheezing takes
hold of the entire audience and they begin to drop
like flies, scratching and scathing for breath. Sven
grabs Philly by the lapel and shakes him like a baby.
SVEN
You said you were filling the room
with THC vapor? Where did the
grass come from, Philly? Where?
PHILLY
Cloud Nein! Cloud Nein!
The audience continues to fall to their knees, groping

in panic. Few remain. Argo simply stands, fixed in
place now by the sheer horror of the situation.
SVEN
You’ve effectively gassed the
audience to death with Zyclon B!
We have to get out of here!
Sven grabs Philly and Argo and yanks them along with
him. Crew members and stagehands run about, aimless
and frightened. As the three of them exit the
building, the very last audience member keels over.
His shirt reads, “Watch out! The bucket’s gonna kick
YOU!”
INT - A COURTHOUSE – JANUARY 1, 2013
PHILLY stands before a JUDGE as the judge passes

sentence on him.
JUDGE
You have been charged, Phillip
Fillet, with 47 counts of
involuntary manslaughter, felony
evasion, aiding and abetting war
criminals and high treason, and
found guilty on this, the first of
January, 2013.
The judge looks Philly in the eye, staring down from

his elevated seat. Murmurs pass around the courtroom
and the judge bangs his gavel to call order.
JUDGE (CONT.)
You've also been proven to be the
messianic leader of some sort of
cult- which, in and of itself,
isn't a crime, per se.
The judge scowls at Philly.

JUDGE (CONT.)
You're just lucky there's a law
against me making up laws. As
such, I sentence you to death by
exposure to the same THC vapors
you unleashed upon the audience.
Let the punishment fit the crime.
Court is adjourned.
The judge bangs his gavel again to seal his

pronouncement. The lights lower, leaving only Philly
visible as prison bars slam closed and obscure him. He
walks over to a lethal-injection style table. The
EXECUTIONER approaches, instructs him to lie on the
table and straps him down. He pulls the side tables
that restrain Philly’s arms out until they click and
lock into place, leaving Philly in a Crucifix position.
EXECUTIONER
Have you any final words?
Philly, after some thought, perks up a bit and replies.
PHILLY
You are now breathing manually; do
not rhesus-itate!
The executioner exits and smoke begins to fill the

room. Philly coughs a bit, and then begins to breathe
deeply and freely. After a moment, his face slacks
with the notable mark of euphoria. Philly begins to
hoot like a monkey, chokes and abruptly dies.
THE END

High Viscosity (No Accent)

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"High Viscosity"

Based on an Actual Story

INT – DRESSING ROOM – December 21, 2012

An Austrian man, PHILLY FILLET, sits before his

Philly turns his head slightly, keeping eye contact

INT – FILLET SHOW! SET – CONTINUOUS

A sodium spotlight hits a curtain backdrop.

The curtain rustles as Philly comes on stage and the

A HECKLER in the audience shouts at the stage.

Philly snaps his head sharply to look at the heckler,

The audience chuckles lightly.

EXT – ZOO – NOVEMBER 9, 1989

A young PHILLY nibbles at a cream filled scone. He

Sven nods and they drift towards the gibbons. They

Philly leans in and stares back at the monkey, miming

The gibbon loses his interest in Philly, climbs back

Sven taps out his pipe and returns it to his coat

The monkey licks the ejaculate off his hand, and

A moment of silence overtakes them both.

They walk on in silence, passing a sign that reads,

PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

EXT – MARKET PLACE – 1989

ARGO and PHILLY select produce at their local farmer’s

Argo is a tall, Grecian with a strong jaw line. His

Argo puts the cucumber back, deciding it’s a bit too

Argo pays for the cucumber and places it into his

Argo moves on to squash.

After a moment of thinking, Philly replies.

Argo sets the squash down and turns to Philly,

Philly nods his head in understanding and Argo returns

INT – PHILLY'S STUDIO APARTMENT – 2008

PHILLY sits in meditation on a pillow of folded

He rises from his meditation position, deftly picking

PHILLY V.O. (CONT.)

He pours a bowl of cereal and clicks on his recorder.

EXT – PHILLY'S APARTMENT PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

PHILLY, dressed in black slacks and a sports blazer

They both look straight-on as Louis drives.

Louis chuckles. Philly looks at him sharply as they

They arrive at their destination and Louis drives

INT – TEMPLE OF TEUTONTOLOGY – CONTINUOUS

LOUIS walks PHILLY to his ready room to prepare for

Louis takes a tone of amusement.

They approach a door with a placard which reads:

Louis looks at his watch.

Philly reaches for the doorknob, stopping short. He

INT – MEETING HALL – 10 MINUTES LATER

PHILLY stands at a lectern before stratified fellows

He allows a moment of weight to drip from his words.

The congregation pats their hands over their mouths

awwwwwww man! Quasi-Fathers, the

The four purple robed fellows at the back walk the

They all light their joints and puff furiously for a

The hall is filled with a cacophony of coughs,

The four Quasi-Fathers from the back begin to

The congregation of fellows pat their mouths while

INT – TEUTONTOLOGY BUILDING ANNEX – AFTER RITUAL

PHILLY, LOUIS, COLONAL, FRANK and PANDORA are sitting

Pandora- a saucy, short, Grecian gal- picks at a bowl

Philly sticks one of his hands out, fingers spread.

He sticks his other hand out and slowly interlocks

Pandora glares at Louis.

Frank- a tall, lanky Brit- giggles through the last