PARENTING THE

MODERN CHILD
Jo Hamilton
Educational Psychologist
Tel: (011) 486 2058
 OUTLINE
 Where are we? - Our modern world
 Where are we going? - Some expectations of
the work place and of our own on our children
 Why is it so hard? – why children misbehave
 How do I react? – different parenting styles
 What can I do? – this is the time to really pay
attention!!
 But where are we? – remembering our context
 What if I forget? – recommended reading
 Help! - questions
 WHERE ARE WE? - OUR
MODERN WORLD
“A context is a prerequisite for the
understanding of experience, behaviour,
problems and phenomena. By taking the
context into consideration, information is
seen in a new light; it becomes
understandable” Jordaan & Jordaan
(1989:48-60)
 WHERE ARE WE? - OUR
MODERN WORLD
 Our access to world wide information enables us to know
a lot and it also requires us to know a lot.
 We are also the consumer generation working furiously
to own the many things that we want.
 Guilt and competition often results in hyper-parenting.
 We are the credit card generation.
 The escalating rate of divorce throughout the world.
 Numerous other characteristics of our modern times:
crime, violence, child abuse, lack of values etc.
 SO HOW DOES OUR MODERN
TIME AFFECT OUR KIDS?
According to John Hopkins our children and
teens today are:
 Less attentive
 More attention-seeking
 More impulsive
 Less compliant
 More argumentative
 SO HOW DOES OUR MODERN
TIME AFFECT OUR KIDS?
 They have more personal pressure
 More globally connected but less
emotionally connected
 Technically competent
 More subject to adult turbulence
 More rights-orientated
 SO HOW DOES OUR MODERN
TIME AFFECT OUR KIDS?
American psychiatrist Robert Shaw
describes modern children as being:
“unattached, non-communicative, learning
impaired and uncontrollable”.

He states that children “…lack focus,

purpose, connection, an ability to fit into a
rules system and a desire to learn”.
 SO HOW DOES OUR MODERN
TIME AFFECT OUR KIDS?
He says that:
“Many of today’s children have gotten the
message that their frightened, guilt-ridden
parents will give in if they put up enough of a
fight. So rather than trying to please them, they
oppose, resist and irritate; their parents, in turn,
cringe and cower and cave in. Control has come
to replace attachment and love, skewing
development in an abnormal direction that has
become accepted”.
 WHERE ARE WE GOING?
SOME EXPECTATIONS OF THE WORK PLACE AND OF OUR OWN ON
OUR CHILDREN

Australian Chamber of Commerce reported:

 Imaginative or creative
 Speculative
 Innovative / problem solving
 Critical in their thinking
 Conciliatory (accepting of different points
of view) / negotiable (of space, resources,
adult attention)
 WHERE ARE WE GOING?
SOME EXPECTATIONS OF THE WORK PLACE AND OF OUR OWN ON
OUR CHILDREN

 Work independently
 Work in a group – team orientated
 Diagnostic / research savvy
 Able to project consequence –
ramifications of decision
 Able to project into the feelings of others
(empathy)
 WHERE ARE WE GOING?
SOME EXPECTATIONS OF THE WORK PLACE AND OF OUR OWN ON
OUR CHILDREN

 Separate those goals that are for the good of

your child and those which are for the good of
the parent!
 Have short, medium and long term goals with
regards to what qualities and values you would
like your child to have.
 Have some direction in your parenting so that
you know when to let certain things go, when to
stick to your guns ( be non negotiable) and when
to be flexible and open.
 WHERE ARE WE GOING?
SOME EXPECTATIONS OF THE WORK PLACE AND OF OUR OWN ON
OUR CHILDREN

 You need to have some idea of where you

are going so that you can give your child a
clear, consistent message as to what is
acceptable and what is not.
 Discuss your goals so that both parents
are on the same page (even if divorced).
 Your goals need to be constantly
reassessed.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 Children need to belong – to feel they are
accepted and loved.
 To do this they may use positive or
pleasing behaviour or naughty
misbehaviour.
 Therefore understanding how your child
tries to belong gives you valuable insight
and guidance as how to be more effective
as a parent.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
Dinkmeyer, McKay & Dinkmeyer (1997) of
the Systematic Training for Effective
Parenting (STEP) programme explain the
four goals of misbehaviour:
 Attention
 Power
 Revenge
 Display of inadequacy
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 Attention:
 All children need attention but some
children seem to want it all the time.
 They believe that they can't get attention
via positive methods so they then seek it
by misbehaving.
 When a child misbehaves to gain attention
he or she usually does something to
annoy his or her parent.
WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE

Children may look for

attention when a parent
is on the phone
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 The parent reacts to the misbehavior. The
child gets attention. All is peaceful for a
while but it’s not long before the child
wants attention again.
 Sometimes children seek attention in a
quiet manner. The child might do nothing,
expecting to be waited on. This passive
behaviour is still attention seeking.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 Power:
 Some children believe that they belong
only by being in charge, being “the boss”.
 Their goal is to seek power.
 These words might be shouted out loud in
an argument with the parent.
 Or the meaning of these words might be
conveyed silently by a child who might
refuse to budge.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 A child who seeks power evokes angry
feelings within the parent. If the parent
fights the child, the child fights back. If the
parent gives in, the child has won the
power struggle and stops misbehaving.
 Sometimes a child will do what the parent
want but will do it very slowly or sloppily.
This is passive power.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE

Some children
choose to stage
power struggles in
public
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 Revenge:
 Some children who want to be the boss but can’t
win in a power struggle with their parents decide
that the only way to belong is to get even.
 A child who wants revenge might say or do
something hurtful or stare angrily at the parent.
 The parent usually feels hurt and angry and tries
to get even.
 This results in a battle of revenge.
 Both child and parents end up with hurt, angry
feelings.
WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
A child who wants
revenge will try
hard to hurt the
parent.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 Displaying Inadequacy:
 Some children just give up.
 For them, the way to belong is to get others to
leave them alone.
 Their behaviour says “I can’t do it”.
 When a child gives up, the parents feel like
giving up too.
 When this happens, the child’s goal has been
met. The parents have agreed to expect nothing
from the child.
WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
Dinkmeyer, McKay & Dinkmeyer (1997:13-19)
share these important points:
 Children don’t know that their misbehaviour has
a goal.
 They may also use the same behaviour to seek
different goals.
 Parents don’t cause the misbehaviour, but, by
our own behaviour, we may reinforce it.
 The key to knowing the goal is to look at the
three clues: how you feel, what you do and how
your child responds.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
How do you What do you How does your Goal
feel? usually do child usually
respond?
Bothered, Remind, nag, Stops temporarily. Attention
annoyed scold Later, misbehaves
again.
Angry, threatened Punish, fight back, Continues to Power
or give in misbehave, defies
you, or does what
you’ve asked
slowly or sloppily
Angry, extremely Get back at child, Misbehaves even Revenge
hurt punish more, keeps trying
to get even
Hopeless, like Give up, agree Does not respond Displaying of
giving up that child is or improve inadequacy
helpless
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
DEALING WITH MISBEHAVIOUR
 Attention
 Ignore your child’s whining and noise.
 You could give your child a choice.
 If your child is willing, you could play the
game with him or her later on.
 At another time, you can give your child
attention when he or she is not asking for
it.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
DEALING WITH MISBEHAVIOUR
 Power
 Refuse to fight or give in by remaining
silent or by leaving the room when your
child tries to force you to do something.
 At another time, when your child is not
angry, explain why you will not do what he
or she wants.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
DEALING WITH MISBEHAVIOUR
 Revenge
 Refuse to feel hurt and not say anything
else that is hurtful
 Refuse to fight
 Talk to your child when you are both calm.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
DEALING WITH MISBEHAVIOUR
 Display of Inadequacy
 Refuse to give up on your child and to share this
opinion with your child.
 Be careful not to pity your child. If a child thinks
that their parent feels sorry for him, he’ll feel
sorry for himself too.
 Encourage your child to learn or persevere with
the problem.
 Encourage your child in other ways.
 WHY IS IT SO HARD? – WHY
CHILDREN MISBEHAVE
DEALING WITH MISBEHAVIOUR
 From Attention to Involvement
 From Power to Independence
 From Revenge to Fairness
 From Displaying Inadequacy to Being
competent
HOW DO I REACT? – DIFFERENT
PARENTING STYLES
Dinkmeyer, McKay & Dinkmeyer identified
three common styles:
 Giving orders
 Giving in
 Giving choices
 HOW DO I REACT? –
DIFFERENT PARENTING
STYLES
Giving orders:
 This authoritarian style of parenting often
sets unreasonable limits and it gives
children little or no freedom.
 These parents often use rewards and
punishment to get their children to do what
they want them to.
 Rewards often lead children to expect
payment for being “good”.
HOW DO I REACT? – DIFFERENT
PARENTING STYLES
 To keep the peace these children often follow
their parent’s strict rules and continuously try to
please them.
 They may learn to fear their parents and they
may not learn to think for themselves.
 They might always need to turn to their friends
or others to tell them what to do.
 This style of parenting doesn’t help to build trust.
If doesn’t offer freedom or choices. It doesn’t
teach children to use words to solve problems.
HOW DO I REACT? – DIFFERENT
PARENTING STYLES
Giving in:
 Giving in or permissive parents set no limits and often
change the limits they do set.
 These children grow up without consistent guidelines.
 They may struggle to learn how to behave in our society
because society sets limits and they may struggle to get
along with others.
 Children need limits. These help them to make choices.
 Children need to know that others are important too.
 If we want to raise children to become responsible
adults, we must first help them to become responsible
children.
HOW DO I REACT? – DIFFERENT
PARENTING STYLES

Children with no limits may have trouble

learning how to act with other people.
HOW DO I REACT? – DIFFERENT
PARENTING STYLES
Giving Choices:
 This is a democratic style that balances
freedom or rights with limits and
responsibilities.
 It gives children choices within limits.
 It encourages children to make some
decisions alone.
 This style teaches children to cooperate
and be responsible.
 WHAT CAN I DO?
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR
CHILD
 Love and
acceptance

With encouragement, we
accept our children as they
are.
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Mutual respect - respect involves helping
other people, having manners and an
appreciation of people’s differences.

Children learn
from what their
parents say and
do.
 WHAT CAN I DO?

What if we treated
our friends the was
we sometimes
treat our children?
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Fun, humour, laughter
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Give encouragement
 There is a difference between praise and
encouragement
 Notice your child’s efforts
 Have faith in your child
 Be accountable
 Be ‘good-enough’
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Offer your children structure and routine
 Separate your child from his or her
behaviour.
 Don’t protect your child from frustrations.
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Listen to your children - identify their
feelings

Children don’t
always use words to
tell us how they feel.
 WHAT CAN I DO?
DISCIPLINE: BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS
 Children who don’t have boundaries and
limits struggle with social skills.
 Boundaries and limits need to make sense
and be relevant.
 Certain things should be non - negotiable.
 Be consistent in your approach.
WHAT CAN I DO?
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Give consequences that are proportional to the
behaviour.
 Have realistic expectations.

Effective discipline fits the misbehavior

 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Remember that all feelings are acceptable but not all
behaviours.
 Try to calm yourself before you deal with your child, not
the reverse.
 Remember, at any moment your child could be far more
praised than criticized.

Effective discipline
needs to fit the
misbehaviour.
 WHAT CAN I DO?
OTHER IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF
RAISING A MODERN CHILD:
 Cell phones
 TV, computers and Sony Play stations
WHAT CAN I DO?
 WHAT CAN I DO?
 Read to your child
 Family rituals are important
 BUT WHERE ARE WE? –
REMEMBERING OUR CONTEXT
 Constantly monitor your behaviour.
 Be involved.
 Have the courage to be imperfect.
 Set realistic goals for yourself.
 Find the humour to laugh at the situation.
 Talk positively to yourself and most importantly
look after yourself.
 Encourage yourself to keep on trying – don’t
give up.
 BUT WHERE ARE WE? –
REMEMBERING OUR CONTEXT

We all have times when we just need to get

away and calm down.
 BUT WHAT IF I FORGET? –
RECOMMENDED READING
 Dinkmeyer, Sr. McKay, G.D. & Dinkmeyer, Jr. 1997 The Parent’s Handbook.
Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. American Guidance Service:
Minnesota.
 (STEP courses offered at Family and Life Centre 788 4784 / 833 2057)
 Elias, M., Tobias, S. & Friedlander, B. 1999. Emotionally Intelligent Parenting.
Hodder & Stoughton: Great Britain.
 Faber, A. 1980. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Avon
books:New York
 Gottman, J. 1997. The Heart of Parenting. Bloomsbury: London.
 Jackson, D. 2001. Parenting with panache. Wordsmith
publishing:Johannesburg.
 Shaw, R. 2003. The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and
Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children.
Regan Books
 Http://www.effectiveparenting.co.za
 Http://www.parentsplace.com
 Http://www.psteps@mail.brigadoon.com