Insuring That Your Chesed Will Never Be Stupid!
Lema’an Achai has always prided itself in helping any Jew in distress regardless of affiliation. This policy was put to the test recently when embattled dictator Mummar Gadafi (ymach shmo v’zichro) knocked on the door of Lema’an Achai seeking a”Smart Chesed” solution to his many problems.
head in the ground) answered: “look at this nose! Would a goy who could afford the best plastic surgeons keep a nose like this? In addition the UN has passed numerous resolutions condemning me and I would never, ever pay retail. Of course I am Jewish!”
The euphoria (and dilemma in whether to help this evil man) was short lived however. It seems that Mummar has quelled the rebellion and will remain, for the time being, in Libya.
• Menachem Jerenberg Cartoonist • Smart Chesed • Talk and Spend • Kupa Shel Tzedaka Lema’an Achai • Mayor for All of the People • KST of the USA
Gadafi (it should smell from his head like it smells from my garbage) came to Lema’an Achai “Yes, the rumors are true” cried after hearing about the wonders Mummar (may the fleas of his performed in its Citizen’s Rights camels infest him instead) as he office. sat with one of Lema’an Achai’s “I’m having a tough time with the social workers. “I am a Jew!” Israeli red tape and could use your “My mother comes from a long help. Nefesh B’Nefesh won’t help line of renowned chachamim”. because I’m not an Anglo,” Gadafi(he should be like a chanGadafi pledged a considerable delier and hang and burn) laamount of his vast oil holdings mented. to Tzedaka in exchange for Lema’an Achai’s assistance. With his oil capital Lema’an Achai thought the end of their budget constraints had finally come to an end.
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When asked for proof of his Judaism claim Gadafi (may he grow like and onion with his-
Kashrus Alert From Jerusalem Kosher Noose
Possible non kosher ingredients have been discovered in the air. The JKN is on to this serious development and recommends that everyone stop breathing until the matter can be clarified. Rabbi Heel Spur, director of JKN, is investigating at this very moment. Rabbi Spur is well known for his enlightening discoveries that have brought many institutions to their knees. Just last week Rabbi Spur made the announcement that he finally discovered the real Goldberg that sunk the Titanic. When challenged with the fact that an iceberg actually caused the Titanic tragedy Rabbi Spur replied “iceberg, Goldberg..what’s the difference?” Meanwhile he warns that if you must breathe make certain to use the gas mask with the badatz certified bug free filter only.
Volume 1, Issue 3 אידיות אחרונות
Will Lema’an Achai Really Help Any Jew?
Merkaz “Smart Parking” Solution
Local residents are plagued by the lack of parking at the popular “merkaz”, the main shopping center in Ramat Bet Shemesh Alef. park residents can give to a greater (and more honest) cause to make this payment for parking more palatable.
Kupat Cholim Lema’an Achai?
Lemaan Achai has joined forces with Kol Bo Tikkunim to expand his services beyond bike and shoe repairs and thus fill a critical gap in the provision of medical services in Beit Shemesh. Now located in the back of Kol Bo’s tender is a fully equipped mobile operating theater that can handle all but the most complicated surgery, and it’s all performed just outside your house! Best of all, Kol Bo’s innovative use of old parts helps keep prices down. By using old shoelaces for stitches and discarded bicycle inner tubes for replacement arteries, it’s no wonder a quadruple heart bypass costs only 50 shekels ! (From Our Archives)
In this way shoppers will feel that their parking Several meetings and protest emails have attempted to get the city moving on a solution to fees will actually be doing something good and the problem. will feel less resentment when dropping the coins. In addition we will be able to do away The city came up with ingenious idea of with the multitude of collection boxes now charging for parking. Now, not only will resiadorning our bus stops, walls, light poles, street dents be frustrated from the lack of spaces corners and fences. What’s next? they will have to pay for the space once they Perhaps public pay are able to locate one! toilets? Lema’an Achai has come up with a great idea Parking meter pushkes! Instead of paying the city for the privilege to
Vaad Kupa t Imahaot Shel Kohanim
The Mishna in Masechet Makkot tells us that a “horeig b’shogeg” (one who kills unintentionally) must remain in the Ir Miklat (city of refuge) until the Kohen Gadol dies. This created the unpleasant situation of having those incarcerated in the Arei Miklat davening for the premature death of the Kohen gadol. In order to placate these unfortunate souls the mothers of Kohanim Gedolim would sew and bake for those in the Arei Miklat. Who could resist the temptation of Mrs. Katz’s kokosh or the warmth of a sweater provided by Rebbetzin Kahan? The grateful recipients would cease their death wish for the Kohain gadol and eagerly await each week’s goodie bag. As we prepare for the geulah, it should come speedily in our time, the issue of Arei Miklat and horeig b’shogeg will once again arise. In preparation, the Kupat Imhahot Shel Kohanim has begun a campaign to raise the necessary funds for the nshei Kohanim to supply food and clothing the cities of refuge. With your donation of 180 NIS or more, a group of Nshei Kohanim will bake 5 cakes and knit 2 sweaters. For Horaat Keva donations of 54 NIS a month both the mothers and the grandmothers will participate! May the zchus of this wonderful mitzvah be
Dr. Avraham preparing for surgery
a segula for your whole family and may we all stay out of the Arei Miklat!
Vaad Kupat Imahot Kohanim Sewing the sweaters of our geulah! 100% Tzedaka קמח יש Shaatnez Free!
Nachal Lachish 40/7 Ramat Bet Shemesh, Israel Office: 02-999-1553 Donate: 02-999-9933 Follow us on Twitter Like Us on Facebook Donate early and often!
World’s Funniest Joke:
Two Jewish grandmothers were sitting quietly together just minding their own business…
By Stan Ehrlich Do You Know Where You’re Going to?
The righteous women of Ramat Bet Shemesh are faced with a burning dilemma when attending the mikve on Nachal Dolev. Right side or Left side? This decision is not simply a question of which side has the better shampoo, prettier towels or nicer Inquisitors. The choice that the women make will be duly recorded and used as information relating to gan registration, carpool acceptance and of course...SHIDDUCHIM! Now there is a solution to the problem! Women can now enter a revolving door which will give them time to decide whether to exit into the right or left side while the privacy of their choice will be protected.
!עד שלא ידע
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to start clearing out for Pesach and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Cellular Antennas ar e Perfectly S a f e?! ? e?!?
The 3 largest cellular phone companies have recently published that there is no question as to the safety of cellular antennas. The report was commissioned after the legal action taken in regard to antennas placed on top of the Park Center shopping mall in the middle of RBSA. Blinky Chernobyl, chief researcher, has concluded that there are no harmful effects from these antennas. “Our data shows no cause for alarm” remarked Mr. Chernobyl through the middle of his five Mouths which sit below his 7 eyes. To celebrate the good news some Park Center businesses are offering specials this week: Best Market: 20% Off of All 3 Headed Fish 1 + 1 on Molten Babka Holy Bagel: Free Bowl of Glowing Soup
Mr. Blinky Chernobyl
All information, pictures and references found here are 100% intentional and are only meant to be mesameach those who read it. Lema’an Achai asks forgiveness in advance and takes no responsibility for injury due to excessive laughter or smiling!
:מחייב איניש לבסומי בפוריא עד דלא ידע בין
• Park Center and Parking in the Center
• RBSA, RBSB,RBSC and RBSD • Gadafi, Qadafi, Kadaffi and Caddafi • Moshe Abutbol and Danny Vanknin
• ברו מרדכי לארור המ • קיצוניand חילוני
• Kol and Bar Kol
• Yes You Can and No You May Not!