This is my story… 27 Apr 2007 Dear Lord Jesus, I hate being moody and I hate being mopey.

I hate the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and I hate the fact that I feel like no one wants to be friends with me. I hate the selfishness of it all. I hgate the fact that simply because Stefan doesn’t share my feelings or won’t act on them, I get angry and mad, and do not feel like I’m valuable. I ask myself: WHERE IS MY VALUE COMING FROM? From you? Oh no Lord, not right now. It is not coming from you right now at all. Jesus, I know in my head that you love me, I know in my head that this is true. However, I am not feeling it in my heart. I derived a lot of self-confidence about the way Stefan felt about me—I ran off of that love. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to run off of your love. Jesus, you created me. You love me. And I want to finally be good enough. I want to finally be good enough for you and for your love. You don’t have to earn my love, darling, I love you as you are. I love you when you sin, when you stumble, I love you so much I gave my son up for you. Jesus, I need this confidence. Stop looking to go back to where you once were, and start looking ahead. Look to me and to my kingdom. Think of things of eternal value. Jesus, I know that you tell me you love me, but I don’t love me. I don’t know how to love me. Will you teach me to love me as you created me? My child: Read this until it’s engrained into you: Psalms (3/day) Genesis (1 chpt/day) Isaiah (1 chpt/day) Matthew (1 chpt/day) Jesus, please help me to do this, to stay on top of my faith, and to start having your perspective on my life, not my own. Teach me what you will from these words, because I have no idea where to start… Psalm 1 -Blessed is the man who’s delight is in the law of the Lord, who meditates on the Lord’s law day and night. -Jesus, I want to have your words close by me at all times, both in morning and in evening time. Jesus, it is you I want to gain my confidence from, no one else. Father, I pray that you would be my delight. -He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in season, and its leaf does not wither, all He does prospers… -…yields its fruit in season… Oh Jesus, I will not always be yielding fruit, but I know that you promise me that somehow, this fruit will be yielded. -will you plant me by streams of water? You are my water… I want to derive my self-confidence from you, and you alone.

You know my path. I do not need a boyfriend or any boy who likes me to be complete and content in you. -Jesus. it will not make me look any better in your eyes. and you know what will happen to me. FAINT. and we wander. Deep in love for you. sing. do fun things like NYC . This is why what I mentioned above will not grant me entrance into God’s kingdom. -Where am I walking? What am I focusing on? -I tend to see these things as signs of success: -BOYFRIEND -thriving ministry -busy schedule -meeting and loving into everyone -ten thousand friends -in the coffee shop. and be with Jesus -ski. I love you. -I do not want to be like chaff that the wind drives away. Only you can. planted with roots growing deep. I cannot do this without you! Isaiah 1 -Jesus brought us up.-In all that HE DOES DO: I do not have to do everything to be loved by you. nor would you make a mistake. -WE ARE ALL SICK. you have promised time and time again that my roots will grow deep. let me draw from that infinte well. -We are estranged from the Lord. Lord Jesus. it is you and you alone… -Grow me deep. I simply must choose a select few and love into them. We deal with corrupted materials. We stray. I AM NOT A MISTAKE. but we rebel against Him. I want to be close to you. -What do I like to do? -talk to people. We cannot do enough good works to appease Him. it is not externals that define me. -a summer experience… -Jesus I have all these things. Jesus. not beautiful or precious metals. buy flowers for people -be a student -go out to dinner. Jesus. WAKE UP and begin to praise Him! -we cannot give enough sacrifices enough to appease the Lord. one who always has friends coming to visiting her. and I realize that these cannot fulfill me. give ear to the Lord. Help me to stop believing the lie that Satan is telling me. no. Even if I have two thousand close. I do not have to have a zillion friends or anything. and we walk away from the Lord’s truth. close friends. listen to what they have to say -read good books and good stories -knit -cook -make things for others -pray. You have not made a mistake. Even ox’s and ass’ know their masters. but even we don’t. You will guide me and watch over me. Deep for you. Jesus. and I ask that I would hold this truth close to my heart. -We feel like we are left alone. save the top.

-We do not fulfill this picture that god creates for us. because we were created to be with Him. You promise good things in our lives. -I must be there for those who cannot be there for themselves and this verse truly plays upon my compassionate heart. -“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. Cleanse me with you beautiful voice. but focusing on the Lord -Correct oppression: -figure out my views on my life. Jesus. I need to get on my knees once again praising you. living a lifestyle of truth. remove the evil of your deds from before my eyes. pitied myself. and for myself. a place of freedom for all. He cannot endure my fake righteous deeds anymore. We taint God’s promises and we mix up our own desires with these. -We run after the fake gifts of this world. but it is not the blood of truth. we wash ourselves with the true blood of the Lord -“Wash yourselves. but the only way it will is to keep bowing before you. and I cast that from em right now. I can trust this promise and this gives me hope. correct oppression.” -Jesus is weary of bearing our fakeness. and hold to them. for I want this world to be a place of healing.” Things which I CAN do: -Purify ourselves in Jesus Christ. .-I do not want to be a vain offering for you anymore. I have lied. and cleanse me with hyssop. not focusing upon myself. carried around a bad attitude. learn to do good. cease to do evil. -Is anger okay? -Is homosexuality okay? -Should we give stuff to Iraq? -Do I need to be a pacifist to be a Christian? -Jesus I want to seek to correct this oppression in the world. He must tear them down. that this can keep up. This true blood. WHERE IS OUR FOCUS? -God must destroy the things in our lives that distract us from Him. said untrue things. bring justice to the fatherless. so thank you Jesus. My fakeness has become both a burden to me and to God. we truly do. make yourselves clean. -cease to do evil: -I pray Lord God. take time to learn how to walk in this way. to honor Him. being there for others. but I really need to spend some time thinking about these thigns… -Jesus it will. I have sinned this day. -Our hands are full of blood which taints us. Keep me intentional about our relationship -Seek Justice: -I want justice in this world. but I hontestly think that we can do it together. -Thank you for this promise that we are made white as snow by your love. seek justice. -Jesus. I want to learn to do good things with others and for others. plead the widow’s cause. Please purify me. -How can I seek justice in the daily things: -truth.

Please accomplish your purposes in me through the last hahlf of this semester. who was trying to follow the law. Jesus. and there will be days like this. “… I’m ready to fly. I truly do. Jesus. so be all that I need tonight as I diligently finish my paper. you are creating me into a righteous princess. This means that though I am largely unfaithful. Thank you for being what I need. Amen. I am ashamed of myself. with none to quench them”—Jesus I pray that you would burn me and purify me in your holy fire. -Jesus I am so thankful for you and your love. I think its time. However. no matter what. and give them the gift of my grace… …giving the gift of grace… -Jesus. -You are making me into your faithful bride. what am I being called to do this day? -cherish the time that you have around you -listen to my words to you -love into those around you. each moment is a new moment from you. but tomorrow is a new day. and his work a spark. you will provide me with a beautiful crown of glory on that final day. Purify me and lead me in your awesome truth. . I’m ready to fly…” Matthew 1 -I cannot believe these unfaithful people were in the line of Jesus. Teach me what it means to be a faithful servant. I cannot do this without you. that Jesus Christ can still use me. I love you Jesus.. I love you Jesus. -I want to be like an oak that does not wither. God fulfilled His prophecy by using an imperfect person. so we can actually become that Zion. you will rovide the ultimate justice for me. but I pray that I learn to trust your promises and your words in my life. Be my everything.-Jesus. a prospering garden. it does hurt. and cast down what we think makes us beautiful. I know you are rebuilding me right now. He was so unwilling to put Mary to shame… joseph trusted the promises of God. following Joseph’s example. -“And the strong shall become tinder. I love you. as I continue to seek and rely uon you. I love you so much… So much. -Jesus. -Jesus. I think that is so amazing. Jesus. -“You did not condemn us to live lives of guilt…” -Jesus your father was a just man. and both of them shall burn together. and I pray that I can follow this. We need to cast away our idols. Set me ablaze. Jesus. for you are my everything already. This is not always going to look like what I think it will look like. I am ashamed of my sin. and keep me focused on the goal. and yes. God can do this in me too! -Joseph follows the commands of the Lord. thank you so much. Thank you for using me despite my imperfections. I’m ready to go. and yes I have felt the full weight of this.

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