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All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast


If I stop eating when I’m dead and pushing up tulips, does that count as a fast?
Even if I’m too weak to eat in the grave, can I have juice?

Fasting allegedly gives you miracle power. Next time you need a mountain moved, call a
modeling agency to have them send over one of their girls to do the job.

Some preachers are so far gone they think personal sin doesn’t matter as long as they
skip lunch the next day to show God how sorry they are till the next pretty dish comes
along to tempt them.

Why don’t we see more blogs on whether we should throw dirt on our heads, or wear
sackcloth and ashes? The ancient Jews did these religious practices too.

If I swallow my own saliva does that break my total fast?

Even if you get a bigger reward for starving yourself three whole days, if I torture myself
by skipping dessert, does that buy an itty-bitty blessing from God?

If I suck on a lozenge to relieve a sore throat, have I broken my fast and lost the
blessing credit accumulated by fasting two whole days? Depends on whether the
lozenge is sweetened with sugar or Nutra Sweet!

If I fast just until the evening meal and then break my fast with three Burger King
Whoppers, do I still get credit for starving myself all day?
Does a piece of Ex-lax break your fast, just because it tastes like food?

If I accidentally drink a regular Coke instead of a Diet Coke, have I lost all the fasting
points I’ve racked up on God’s tote board?

Is an Orange Popsicle okay on my drink fast if I melt it first, or can I just let it melt in
my mouth instead of grinding it with my teeth? Why are drunk calories more spiritual
than chewed ones?

Why did God give us teeth if chewing is such a sin? Why didn’t He just give us a gas tank
like a car, so we could just go guzzle our dinner at Exxon?

Don’t dig your spiritual grave with your own teeth. Lay down your fork and pick up your
straw to help you pick up your cross of legalism.

If I accidentally swallow a drop of mouthwash, have I broken my fast?

What if I get a cold and take a good swig of Ny-Quil?

If my Jello doesn’t solidify in the fridge, can I use it for juice during my fast?

If I snore on the couch and swallow a fly, does that break my fast?

If I only inhale while everybody else eats at the steak house, have I broken my fast?
What if I IMAGINE I’m chewing on that juicy T-Bone as I guzzle a glass of water and feel
sorry for myself? After all, there’s the spirit of the law to consider, not just the letter of
the law.

If I doze on the couch till “fast day” ends at sunset, and miss all the misery, does it
count as much as someone else who’s digging ditches while they fast?

Does a chewable Vitamin C break your fast?

What if I taste my dog’s Milk Bone Biscuit before giving it to him? Just because it’s not
people food, should I think I haven’t broken my fast?

Can I have a slice of lemon in my water? What if I forget and EAT the lemon!

What if you chew your nails and accidentally swallow a bit? Does that bit of protein
render your fast invalid?

If you accidentally nibble a whole jelly bean, will God say the other 48 hours don’t count
and you have to start the misery all over again?

If Aunt Susie is four hours late getting the Thanksgiving dinner on the table, does that
count as a fast if you hold a Bible study during the time spent waiting instead of
watching TV?

If it’s snowing when you fast, is it okay to eat some cold, refreshing snow, so long as
you don’t mix sugar and vanilla into it to make snow cream?

Technically speaking, does snow ingestion count as eating? It does melt to water in your
mouth. Or, would you have to melt the snow first so it counts as a drink?

Is it okay to eat a couple crackers so long as you run around the block a hundred times
to burn off the calories?
If fasting is binding on Christians why isn’t it included in the Christian’s “to do” list in I
Thes.5:16-22? Did it slip Paul’s mind?

Rom.13:8: Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another
hath fulfilled the law.
9 For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou
shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other
commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour as thyself.
10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Here Paul writes that God demands nothing further from us unless it has something to
do with loving our neighbor. Unless there’s not enough food to go around and you’re
feeding your neighbor with your own meal, what does starving yourself have to do with
loving your neighbor? Instead of benefiting your neighbor, self-starvation may make
you grouchier and harder to live with. If you believe you receive power to pray
effectively for others by receiving the Holy Ghost (Jesus’ own promise in Acts 1:8), why
should you seek power in fasting, a doctrine NEVER taught by any New Testament

There’s a “fast to get intimate with the Bridegroom” doctrine going around. HOGWASH!
Who starves on their own honeymoon, unless they’re too broke to buy refreshments? In
Jesus’ day, weddings were celebrated with seven days of non-stop eating and dancing,
and even the sour-faced Pharisees stopped their fasting to crash the party. Modern
wedding receptions at least provide peanuts and cake. Jesus said He’s with us all the
time (Matt.28:20), so how does punishing your body make Him love you anymore than
He already does? Why does your blood sugar have to nosedive before you can spiritually
soar up into the heavenly places? The Bible says we’re ALREADY seated with Christ in
Heavenly Places (Eph.2:6). Did the apostles ever teach this heathen doctrine of
weakening our bodies so we could liberate our spirit to go do its own thing? Or, could
this idea come from OTHER sources? Has some sneaky snake snuck through cracks in
the church? Satan is a spy in a pious disguise who binds your mind with legalistic lies.
He goes to church more than you or I. Like a diamond counterfeiter, he can’t spiritually
tempt you unless it looks real.

Preachers tell you to at least fast till sunset. So what if you live up in Alaska where the
sun doesn’t set in summer for months on end? Does God expect you to kill yourself?

What if you sleep till noon and the sun sets by five? Do you get a smaller reward than
the lady who got up at six a.m and fasted till six p.m.? Does she get time and a half for
that hour of overtime, while you get a pay cut for being late to work?

Do you get a fifteen-minute break from the work of fasting on fast day?

How do you fast if part of your job is to take a business client out to lunch? Where
would you take that client? To the Breatharian Bistro? In case you’ve never heard of
them, the Breatharians try never to eat, they live only on pure, fresh mountain air.

If you use a flavor spray on your tongue like diet guru Richard Simmons, does that
violate your sacred fast?

Lunch menu at the ladies’ fasting seminar: Air-derves, /cyber salad/Ghost beef with
vapor taters, fantasy fudge cake, clear coffee and a toothpick. $10.50 a head.

Eating is sinful and self-indulgent, but drinking is not, even if you derive pleasure from a
tasty drink. If you sip a Brownie Cheesecake Sundae through a straw it doesn’t ruin your
soul, just your figure. Why do Christians fast to combat the sin of mastication (chewing)?
Because Adam’s sin was this: He sinned in the Garden of EATIN’, not the Garden of
Drinkin’. Many ascetic Christians believe that Adam’s sin was he FEASTED instead of
FASTED. But what did God actually order Adam to do? God told Adam that he was
welcome to EAT (not fast from) ALL the trees of the Garden except one which was off-
limits (Gen.2:16). God did not tell Adam to fast from any other tree except that one.
Adam did not have to go hungry to carry out God’s orders. Adam was not commanded
to starve his body to prove his soul’s hunger for Jesus, as is taught today.

Christians who fast are relieved when the preacher gives them permission to have juice.
Drinking something doesn’t carry the same stigma with legalists as eating something.
Adam ate the Forbidden FRUIT, he didn’t drink the forbidden juice. If your pastor walks
into KFC and he catches you chewing up a bucket of chicken without any help, you’re
the chief of sinners. But if you daintily sip something from a Big Gulp cup he assumes
it’s only Diet Coke and that’s all right with God because it’s such a hot day outside. It’s
easier to hide those sinful chocolate milk shake calories if they’re ingested through a
straw from a big bucket with a plastic lid on it. Why would Adam had been in the clear if
satan had first sold Eve a Vegematic Juicer to get around the catch-22 of not actually
EATING the fruit? If Adam had been a simpleton he might have told God: “Well, duh… I
didn’t disobey You. You said not to EAT from that tree, You said nothing about me
DRINKING from it.” He still would have been kicked out of the Garden for his violation of
the spirit of the Law. Adam’s sin was not non-fasting, as many teach. It was
disobedience to God’s command not to partake of that one tree.

If Christians have to fast like Old Testament Jews, why aren’t they also supposed to do
other things fasting Jews did: rip their clothes and throw dirt on their heads? The church
janitor would get ticked off if everyone dumped dirt on their heads (and the brand new
carpet). Worse yet, all the males snoozing in church would jump the pews if some
woman literally applied the admonition to “tear your garments” and tore open her

Why are the corn, wine and oil spiritualized in the Book of Joel while fasting is carried
over to the New Covenant as a physical duty? Corn represents Christ the Bread of Life,
while wine and oil represent the Holy Spirit, Who spiritually refreshes His people and
anoints their lives with power. We receive the blessed Holy Spirit and His unction
because of Christ’s sacrifice on our behalf, not because we torture our bodies to punish
them for sin. Why can’t fasting, like all other Old Testament practices, be considered
spiritual only today? It does a Christian far more good to fast from sin than a jelly

The Pharisees of Jesus’ day invented hundreds of “don’ts” to help God’s people keep the
laws of Moses better. When you fast twice a week you put yourself under a LAW that
says never again will you eat on Monday or Thursday, and if you don’t keep that law
you’re letting God down and bringing possible penalties on yourself. It takes only one
slender chain to get us out of the Grace of God and tie us back to the Law. And it
creates so many Catch-22 legalisms.

In midsummer, daylight hours last till about 10 p.m. in Northern Europe. In midwinter,
daylight ends around 4:30. So if you fast till sundown in winter, does the Lord put you
on part-time wages, or do you get a pay bonus in the summer? Are American fasters
less spiritual because their summer sun sets sooner?

What about the extra hour in daylight savings’ time? Do I earn more blessing for having
to set my clock back to starve an extra hour?

There’s built-in inequality in the sacrifice of a church fast. What if the pastor weighs 400
pounds and this poor widow only weighs 98 pounds? Does the bony woman who
sacrifices five pounds of lean muscle get more blessing from God than the pastor who
fasts five pounds of fat?

What if the sky gets dark early because of a solar eclipse or bad weather? Does that
count as sundown, or do you have to go by when the sun set yesterday?

What if you get so hungry you nibble ice out of the freezer? Does that break your fast,
even if it doesn’t break your teeth?

If I accidentally swallow my sugarless gum, does that break my fast?

Can I put birdseed out for the sweetly singing songbirds, or do they have to afflict their
souls too?

My goldfish never stop swimming and eating. Are they going to hell for gluttony?

Mosquitoes are the wickedest critters on Planet Earth. Why aren’t they ever required to
fast to show penitence for sin? Now that would be a blessing!

Do I have to coop up my cat so he can’t catch mice during my fast?

Is it okay to smoke or dip snuff during a fast?

If my stomach aches from my fast and I chew a Tums, is that eating?

If you chew on your pencil, have you broken your fast?

If I fall asleep on the couch and a bug flies into my snoring mouth, have I broken my

If I stare through the bakery window and lust after that raspberry muffin, have I broken
the fast in my heart?

Fasting teachers say we have to fast because Adam ate the forbidden fruit. According to
their logic, Christ’s sacrifice on Calvary wasn’t enough so we need to redeem ourselves
and pass a similar test because our first parents let God down in the Garden of Eden.
That’s the same as doing a makeup test for your mom and dad if they flunk Algebra. So
if you’re doing a replay of Adam and Eve and are gonna pass the test this time around,
come hell or high water. If it was hard for Adam and Eve to resist diet food, an apple,
how much more of a temptation is that decadent devil’s food cake we’re about to put
away in the freezer till after the fast. It’s crying out: “Don’t freeze me, EAT me!” Once
we nibble a crumb off that, we throw in the towel and say, “That stupid fast’s all shot to
hell anyway, so I might as well flunk fasting in style and go out with a bang. That
chocolate devil only whets your appetite for other forbidden fruit: a strawberry
cheesecake. Oh, I get it! Adam and Eve’s forbidden tree was a Hotpoint Refrigerator!

What if you’re on a DRINK FAST and pulverize a whole chicken in the blender, reducing it
to thin soup? Does that count as a drink if you sip it through a straw?

If you’re a growing teenager and can’t survive without food very long, is it okay to fast
forty minutes instead of forty days? Is a forty-minute fast too small a sacrifice if you’re
overweight and over the hill?

If it’s a one-day fast do you have to starve yourself overnight till your next breakfast
rolls around, or can you raid the fridge at midnight and eat 6,000 calories to make up for
the 2,000 calories you didn’t eat during daylight hours?

What if you lay on the couch and keep checking the time till your religious torture is
finally over? Does it chalk up any points with God, or does He fire you for being a lazy
clock-watcher who goofs off on the job?

What if your brain vegetates from carb deprivation and you can’t compose a decent
prayer to God anymore? What if you’re praying for one specific thing and you’ve set
aside three whole days to ask God for the same thing, over and over and over and over
again? Does God need a hearing aid, or are you just trying to wear him down so He’ll
get tired of you asking and give you what you want? Does God worry that you’ll starve
yourself to death if He doesn’t grant your request? Making vain repetitions is a heathen
technique (Matt.6:7). When we were teenagers my brother played “Honda” by the
Beach Boys about five hundred times to pressure my dad into getting him one. He
ended up with a Mo-ped.

Do you seriously think God enjoys it when you grumble about being hungry and all you
can think about is when will this slow fast ever end so I’ll actually have the energy to
pray for other people’s needs besides my own?

If you get the stomach flu and can’t eat for three days, will God credit that to your
suffering account and let you fast from the next church fast?

What if you work in a restaurant and the boss wants you to taste the chili? Will you go
to hell just for doing your job?

Preachers preach grace, God’s unmerited favor, then in the next breath they preach:
“The greater the sacrifice, the greater the blessing.” Jesus did a tremendously hard
thing, fasting 40 days in the Wilderness, sustained only by the Word of God. But Moses
did an immediate replay of his own 40-day fast after he got ticked off at the Israelites,
smashed up the Tables of the Law, and went back up the mountain to get more from
God. Most likely Jesus drank water during His own fast. But Moses didn’t even drink
water. Since Moses suffered through a longer, harsher fast, did he accumulate more
Brownie points from fasting than Jesus?

On a very serious note, what about diabetics and hypoglycemic Christians? Do they get
less blessing from God because they can’t afflict their bodies in fasting?

What about a poor family who’s had to eat plenty of beans to pay tithe money for the
new piano so there can be sweet music in church? ? Aren’t they fasting from food
QUALITY? How much “do-without-ting” do you have to do to prove your faith to the

If all a preacher does during a fast is pray and the pew Christians have to go out and
work like donkeys while starving their bodies, does God pay them more then the
preacher for the extra suffering they do?

If your mother-in-law’s a horrible cook and you have to choke down her creamed liver
hash in order to avoid hurting her feelings, isn’t that a far worse affliction than fasting?

The greater the sacrifice the greater the blessing. That means more always means
better. Does this mean that if you never take another bite of food, you’ll be a spiritual
powerhouse on your way to heaven? All I know is, frequent fasters will fly home faster.

If the pastor fasts faster than you, do you finish the church fast last?
You get paid so much per hour at your job. You may have to work a thousand hours to
earn a new Lexus Sports Coupe. But working three minutes barely gets you a can of
Coke. How big of a blessing do you earn by fasting three minutes, or three days?
What’s God’s pay scale for fasting? Don’t scoff at this notion. Jesus said that he who
works earns a paycheck (John 4:36). Grace, on the other hand, is God’s unearned
favor. Paul said in Romans 4:4-5 that if you’re trying to get God in debt to you by doing
works, you aren’t operating in the realm of grace. Very few do unpleasant jobs for
nothing. They do it to earn a reward. Mixing fasting with grace is like making your
fiancée scrub the kitchen floor to earn her own engagement ring. What a romance-
killer! Legalists get us so focused on using that old scouring pad of suffering on
ourselves to purge our lives of sin that they turn our sweet romance with Jesus into a
janitorial job.

A little spiritual food for thought:

I Cor. 8:8: But meat (food) commendeth us not to God: for neither, if we eat, are we
the better; neither, if we eat not, are we the worse.

Colossians 2:20: Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments (elementary
principles) of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances,

21 (Touch not; taste not; handle not;

22 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of

I Tim.4:1: Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart
from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;
2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;
3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats (foods), which God hath
created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

Rom.14:17: For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and
peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of
men.* * * * *No mention of fasting to make us acceptable to God.

What more could you possibly want then being acceptable to God in Christ?

These verses should be enough to prove fasting from food doesn’t make you a spiritual

Now let’s Tackle Tithing and Guilt Giving:

Next time your preacher begs for tithes, bring him veggies out of your garden, or a side
of beef if you’re a rancher. If he protests, point him to this scripture:

Lev.27:30-34: And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the
fruit of the tree, is the LORD'S: it is holy unto the LORD.
31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part
32 And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth
under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD.

In Matt. 23: 23 Jesus allows the evil Pharisees to pay tithes on the mint leaves of their
garden. I don’t think He was talking about the fruit of the Federal Mint!
The Pharisees of Jesus’ day felt good about themselves because they paid tithes on
everything they owned (Luke 18:12). This opens up a Pandora’s Box of brand new
legalism for believers who believe they must follow his example in giving.

Next time I unwrap a Hershey Bar, do I have to find the nearest preacher and give him
one-tenth of it?

Preachers holler and scream about how we have to exceed the righteousness of the
Pharisees to squeeze into the Kingdom of God. The Pharisee who boasted he was better
than the sinful tax collector bragged to God how he tithed on EVERYTHING he owned,
not just farm produce. This extra sacrifice was NOT commanded in the Law, it was just
the Pharisee playing god by expanding on what God actually commanded. Not only that,
the Pharisee fasted two times a week, while the Law of Moses required fasting only once
a year, on the Day of Atonement. Well, if we have to exceed the righteousness of the
Pharisees, this arouses a lot of questions:

Since the Pharisee tithed on EVERYTHING he owned, not just food, does the preacher
get one-tenth of my Elvis collection?

The proud Pharisee tithed on everything he owned (Luke 18:12). So if John Q. Pew-
Warmer has zilch in his pocket, can he tithe on his sock collection and his Red Man

I could tithe on some of my shoes, but that big preacher would have to cut the toes out
to wear my size!

The preacher’s wife is too conservative to want a tithe of my wardrobe, but if you’re
gonna be legalistic about it, there’s always the Salvation Army…

Next time someone brings over a floral bouquet, should I yank out a couple of
chrysanthemums for the preacher?

If there’s a hunk of corn bread left on the stove, should it go to the preacher or to the

Should the preacher get that batch of cookies that burnt on the bottom?

When I order a pizza, do I set aside one wedge for the preacher? What if he hates

Oh yeah, that Pharisee fasted twice a week. Does that mean I have to hunger strike
half the week to beat him to heaven? Do I get time off for good behavior?

If Preach screams at you to bring your firstfruits into the “House of God”, next time thou
makest a batch of biscuits, save him a wad of thy raw dough in keeping with Numbers
15:21. He might whack you over the noggin with a Sunday School Quarterly and
complain you’re dough isn’t green enough for the House of the Lord. It just didn’t get
moldy enough, I guess.

Next time your preacher says “Don’t eat the tithe” buy yourself a six-pack of Bud and
read him this verse:

Deut.14:26: And thou shalt bestow (spend) that money (from the sale of hard-to-
transport farm produce) for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or
for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat
there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household

Notice, you buy not what the preacher wants (a new Mercedes), but the kind of party
refreshments YOU like to eat (or drink).


Why don’t preachers tell children to tithe on their Gummi Bears? That’s just as scriptural
as tithing on paychecks! Imagine Preacher’s horror if he found a Snickers Bar in the
offering plate after he hollered about keeping food in God’s House.

Next time the preacher pounds the pulpit and rebukes poor people for buying food and
medicine instead of “proving God” to get His blessing for giving their tithe money for
new pews, ask him why he believes the ten per cent proviso of the Tithing Law is still
binding on God’s people, but he never imposes a twenty per cent penalty for people who
“borrow” the tithe, as stipulated in Lev.27:31.

Why do preachers hang onto the ten per cent tithe for “spiritual Levites” but insist the
Third Year Poor Tithe is “done away”? Ask him if God has changed His conditions for
getting the blessing in the following passage:

Deut.26: 12: When thou hast made an end of tithing all the tithes of thine increase
(agricultural harvest) the third year, which is the year of tithing, and hast given it unto
the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within thy
gates, and be filled;
13 Then thou shalt say before the LORD thy God, I have brought away the hallowed
things out of mine house, and also have given them unto the Levite, and unto the
stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow, according to all thy commandments which
thou hast commanded me: I have not transgressed thy commandments, neither have I
forgotten them:
14 I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away ought thereof for
any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead: but I have hearkened to the
voice of the LORD my God, and have done according to all that thou hast commanded
15 Look down from thy holy habitation, from heaven, and bless thy people Israel, and
the land which thou hast given us, as thou swarest unto our fathers, a land that floweth
with milk and honey.


If preachers are spiritual Levites, then why is tithing always literal, not spiritual? ‘Cause
you can’t buy many Mercedes with immaterial money!

Next time the preacher asks for first fruits offerings, bring him a basket of apples off
your tree. If he gripes about it, read him Deut.26:1-11 and ask if the Israelite farmer in
this passage brought the priest paper lettuce with American presidents on it. Remind
him of all the times the preacher preached that God never changes and He’s always the
same (Malachi 3:6). Spiritual money laundering doesn’t work. To God, filthy lucre is no
cleaner than it was in Jesus’ day.

Funny how modern preachers spiritualize away God’s promise of healing for the body,
God’s spiritual gifts, Bible prophecy, etc. They’ll correctly point out that circumcision is
now to be spiritual only, an inner matter of the heart…until they get to that part of the
service where Preacher gives your paycheck the chop to supersize his luxurious lifestyle.
The old rites of the Jewish Temple now have spiritual significance only. But when you get
to tithing, that’s still to be literal…well, yes and no. No longer literally what God ordered
tithes to be, on lambs and cows, corn, grapes, and olives. Now the god in the pulpit
lusts for literal lettuce your boss pays you every two weeks.

Brother, you’d better report your paycheck to Big Brother or your blessed assurance will
fry in hell. If Jesus had been serious about telling you to give your donations in secret,
He never would have provided those nifty little envelopes on the back of the pew in front
of you.

The meanest spiritual butchers are so zealous about hacking up your paycheck, they’ll
name and shame non-tithers right from the pulpit. They yell about how non-tithers
hinder the alleged work of god in their midst, and the cheapskate ought to be shunned
as the vilest of sinners. But it’s not okay for John Q. Pew-warmer to go up to the pulpit
and rebuke the preacher for being a serial polygamist (divorcing and remarrying one
woman after another). It’s a far worse sin to be a poor steward of your welfare check
than to be a poor husband!

Preachers are always hollering about how you have to paddle your little children to make
them mind. A lot of Christian parents carry a switch to church with them, and
everywhere they go. But next time the preacher yells that you must keep the Old Law
(fasting or tithing) to be holy, ask him to preach on the good old-fashioned feces
paddle the Law required Israelites to carry around with them:

Deut.23:12: Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth
abroad (go to the toilet)
13 And thou shalt have a paddle (spade) upon thy weapon (with your gear); and it shall
be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad (relieve yourself), thou shalt dig therewith, and
shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:
14 For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give
up thine enemies before thee; THEREFORE SHALL THY CAMP BE HOLY: that he see no
unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.

Good sanitation kept the camp holy in the sight of the Lord and helped ensure God gave
the Israelites victory against their enemies. Even if the stench from an unsanitary camp
had been strong enough to kill a million Amalekites without the use of spears and
swords, a dirty camp is a defeated camp. Think how much holier that camp would have
been with a little Lysol in the hand-dug latrines! The church janitor is performing a vital
ministry even if he doesn’t get paid enough to keep the tithes rolling in. Oh, well, just
so long as he keeps the toilet paper rolling in the ladies’ room.

A rich preacher had just finished lambasting the congregation about giving their tithes
and offerings, and how God would give them a one-way ticket to hell if they didn’t cough
up the cash. Two little boys walked up to him after the service. One handed him a
weird present.

“What’s this for?” the preacher said gruffly.

“Your tie, preacher, I ain’t got no offering.

His brother handed the preacher the fifty cents he had in his pocket.

What’s this for?” the preacher barked. “I’ve already got so much loot in the bank I don’t
need your piddly little change.”

“I thought you did need it,” the boy said.

“ ‘cause Daddy says you’re a mighty poor preacher. Is this enough to pay my bus fare to


Preachers rant and rave about bringing tithes of filthy lucre into God’s House, a la
Malachi 3:8-10. That don’t make much sense to me. Paul said our BODIES are the
House of God (I Cor.6:19). Does that mean I have to gobble up a twenty-dollar bill to
bring one-tenth of my paycheck into God’s House?

The Jews’ Temple had a storehouse where the tithes were kept. Since when did God
ever authorize preachers to appoint the Bank of America as His New Covenant

Ancient Israelites picked their tithes off grape vines and olive trees. Modern tithes pop
out of ATM machines.

Now, they say, preachers make it even easier for you. You don’t have to slog in the rain
to get to your nearest ATM machine, only to find it empty. Robots have put many
factory workers out of a job, and now they’ve even put Levites out of a job. So you
don’t have to bring your tithes to a Levite anymore, even if you could find a full-blooded
Levite in your midst. Now they’ve come up with the church’s version of an ATM machine:
the AUTOMATED TITHING MACHINE, or the “Tithe-Tanic” a ship of legalism which is
shipwrecking the church.

Jesus scattered the money changers out of the temple with a whip. He needs a Ford
pickup truck to rid the church house of this mechanical mooch:

Say a preacher is forty per cent Irish, twenty per cent German, ten per cent Japanese,
fifteen per cent Chinese, fourteen per cent Burmese and one per cent Cherokee Indian.
How does he qualify to take up tithes if God only authorizes pure-blooded Levites to do
it? What if, heaven forbid, a woman preacher takes up tithes? If you don’t even know
who your ancestors are, and especially if you’re female, can you call yourself a true son
of Aaron, the ONLY group of people ever authorized by God to take up tithes (Heb.7:5)?

When did Jesus ever pass the plate at His meetings and ask for tithes and offerings?
Jesus was from the tribe of Judah. He could accept freewill offerings, but He didn’t
qualify to take tithes. Did He pass out the loaves and fishes “in return for your best

Do modern “miracle preachers” truly follow in the Master’s footsteps? Where does it say
Jesus ever promised His poor listeners prosperity if they would sacrifice next month’s
rent to finance a new sound system for his open air meetings?

If Jesus set the example for faith preachers then why did He take up offerings for the
poor instead of for Himself? If He had no place to lay his head (Matt.8:20; Luke 8:58)
why didn’t He just stay in 5-star hotels and charge it to the ministry like modern
televangelists do?

Did Jesus ask any healed lepers for their credit card numbers or tell them to get a Pay
Pal account to help them sow their faith seeds?

Why won’t my money seed sprout up in my own yard if I plant it in some rich preacher’s
yard? Even a dirt farmer from Alabama could figure that one out.

Preachers scream down Malachi tithing curses on God’s children for failure to bring their
filthy lucre into the House of the Lord. So why don’t they give equal time to the
warnings in this verse?

Prov.22:16: He that oppresseth the poor to increase his riches, and he that giveth to the
rich, shall surely come to want (extreme poverty).

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