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LL2 Internal Assessment
WJEC ENGLISH LITERATURE INTERNAL ASSESSMENT LL2 TEACHER GUIDANCE
INTRODUCTION We are grateful to the centres which provided us with the examples of students’ work which appear in this booklet as work-in-progress responses to the new LL2 internal assessment unit. The guidance in this booklet is directed at offering advice and support for LL2 Section A and Section B in terms of: 1. Task setting 2. Assessing student responses. We recommend that you also refer to the advice relating to LL2 in the Teachers’ Guide: http://www.wjec.co.uk/uploads/publications/4300.pdf.
1. Task-setting 1. This unit should inspire students to experiment with a range of writing styles and genres; as well as allow them to draw on their own reading interests. (Set texts studied for LL1 cannot be used as a stimulus for the literary piece of creative writing on LL2.) 2. The literary coursework would be a good opportunity for students to share their personal reading preferences possibly through book report presentations. 3. Modelling i.e. providing students with a wide range of examples of different forms and styles of writing is the key to good preparation for this unit. Candidates would be best served by experiencing a wide range of literary and non-literary genres, exploring the ingredients of the different styles and modelling their own writing on the examples they have analysed. This approach has the added bonus of preparing students effectively for the unseen extracts they will be faced with on LL1 Section A, which will of course be drawn from a wide range of literary and non-literary genres. 4. Literary approaches to creative writing for English Language & Literature which have been successful in the past include: opening chapters; short stories; re-working narratives e.g. fairy tales; play scripts; monologues/diaries/autobiography; write-ons, poetry anthologies (68 poems). 5. Non-literary approaches to creative writing which have been successful in the past include: travel writing; articles, reviews (although plagiarism can be an issue here), guides i.e. How to... or Rough guide to...; speeches (although teachers may choose to avoid using speeches for LL2 as they are an obvious text for performance and therefore may be more useful if kept back for LL3 in the A2 year). The tasks chosen by the candidate should allow for extended prose and the opportunity to show flair, originality and creativity.
6. A clear sense of audience and purpose is vital to these creative tasks and students should be encouraged to state clearly the intended purpose and audience for each piece in the commentary, on the cover sheet and perhaps even in the title of the creative piece itself. 7. When writing the comparative commentary students could use a framework for analysing single texts and then go on to use the framework for comparing texts to assist their commentary writing. It is important that the commentary begins with a brief overview paragraph which outlines the content, context, audience and purpose of both texts. Using a framework approach the candidates should then go on to consider aspects of form and structure, grammar, lexis, imagery, sound and discourse. 8. To encourage an analytical approach to the commentary writing, students could be posed a question to answer, e.g. ‘Compare and contrast how crime is presented in your short story and newspaper article’, or perhaps something more general, e.g. ‘Compare and contrast the impact on the audience of the stylistic choices you have made in your original pieces’. By posing the students a question such as those outlined above, the students should ensure that their analytical comments are focussed on how meaning is conveyed, rather than simply listing or feature-spotting random points of comparison or contrast. 9. Some fun teaching strategies for this unit could include organising visits from writers and playing genre games such as the game ‘consequences’ where 10 pieces of paper are passed around the classroom. Each piece of paper has a single sentence written on it which distinctly represents a specific genre e.g. Romance: Panting with excitement, Guy swept Anna into his arms as they tumbled onto a bed of rose petals. The student must read the sentence and then fold the sheet to hide this sentence. They then write their own sentence to follow on from the first; they then pass this on to a neighbour who does the same and so on. By the end of the lesson the class will have collaborated to produce 10 short stories, differing markedly in the genre conventions used.
2. Assessing student responses The creative writing tasks (a) and (b) are assessed through one Assessment Objective, AO4: Demonstrate expertise and creativity in using language appropriately for a variety of purposes and audiences, drawing on insights from linguistic and literary studies. There are 20 marks available for each piece of writing, making a total of 40. ‘Expertise’ should encompass accurate, coherent and well-structured writing as well as appropriate use of language, purpose and audience, register, style and tone. ‘Creativity’ can be measured in terms of engagement with the task, and there will be varying degrees of individuality and flair.
The commentary task (c) is assessed through three Assessment Objectives, AO1, AO2 and AO3. AO3 carries 20 marks as candidates are required to comment on both pieces of their original written work, making points of comparison and contrast between them: • use integrated approaches to explore relationships between texts, analysing and evaluating the significance of contextual factors in their production and reception.
The purpose of the commentary is to allow students to discuss and evaluate the stylistic choices they have made. In their commentary students must:
• • •
identify the literary and linguistic features they have employed discuss the impact of these features within their own writing show understanding of how different choices in language and form can create meaning through a comparison of the two pieces they have written.
Although some students may wish to discuss the reasons for their choice of genre, they should be discouraged from spending too much time on this area. The primary focus of the commentary must be the discussion of the similarities and differences of their stylistic choices. The following approach is useful in ensuring the correct focus: • • • Statement – identify the term Evidence – quote the example Analysis – discuss the impact of the identified feature
In their analytical commentaries students should be encouraged to identify a broad range of terms. For example, the identification of nouns, modifiers and verbs does not constitute a wide range of terms. The Cone in Appendix 6 contains a wide range of terms and is an excellent framework for tackling the commentary.
The other two Assessment Objectives, AO1and AO2 each carry 10 marks: AO1: • select and apply relevant concepts and approaches from integrated linguistic and literary study, using appropriate terminology and accurate, coherent written expression
There are three strands to this AO: (i) (ii) (iii) relevant concepts and approaches appropriate terminology accurate, coherent written expression.
‘Concepts and approaches’ will be addressed in candidates’ knowledge, understanding and relevant application of some of the key constituents of language and literary techniques and how they function in combination to create meaning in their two pieces of original writing. ‘Appropriate’ terminology should include a reasonable range of relevant terms from the ‘tool-kit’ acquired in the course of integrated study of both literary and non-literary texts. See the Terminology Table Tool-kit in the Appendices in the Teachers’ Guide for some suggestions. http://www.wjec.co.uk/uploads/publications/4300.pdf ‘Accurate, coherent’ writing will support the expression of ideas and construction of an argument.
AO2: • demonstrate detailed critical understanding in analysing the ways in which structure, form and language shape meanings in a range of spoken and written texts
This AO enables candidates to show their skill of identifying and describing how meanings and effects are created and conveyed in their original writing texts. ‘Critical understanding’ should include candidates’ awareness of some of the ways in which their texts may be interpreted by different readers or listeners. It can be seen from the Assessment Grid at the end of this document that the 40 marks for this section are notionally divided up as follows: AO1: 10 AO2: 10 AO3: 20.
This breakdown may be helpful when assessing the relative strengths and weaknesses of a response. However, teachers should try to find the ‘best fit’ for assessment, and should give an holistic mark to cover all three objectives.
Weighting of assessment objectives LL2 (full A level in brackets)
% 40 (20)
AO1% 5 (2.5)
AO2% 5 (2.5)
AO3% 10 (5)
AO4% 20 (10)
Further Guidance Candidates are expected to adhere as closely as possible to the guidelines as stated in the specification. However, these word limits are approximate and should be applied sensibly. They are meant to support the candidate and not to have a detrimental effect on the candidate’s overall performance. Candidates who offer work that is too brief risk penalising themselves by not allowing appropriate coverage of the required assessment objectives. Candidates who significantly exceed the word limit risk penalising themselves through a lack of precision and focus. The commentary, in particular, tends to become repetitive and descriptive. As a rough guide, recommend no more than 10% excess. Moderators will allow some flexibility with regard to the suggested word limit as long as the quality of the piece is sustained.
I think I understand why it never worked. if the stewards had looked down they would have just been able to see our heads. then right to spot.conforming or adhering to accepted 5 . Therefore he and I must have been content for a time to be a couple. smiling. his brown and mine blonde. We sat at the back of the cinema and balanced our Large Salty Popcorn on the drinks holder. flowing like a river in and out of shops. the lacy. though my heart beat and jumped every time our hands clashed in the popcorn bucket. they were following us down the street. consuming. laughing. between our two seats. The film passed without much event. cream pullover. leather jacket from my shoulders. onto the bare seat on his right. We were still arguing over the price when he bought it. In the end. their branches full of bright green leaves. We picked out a lacy. I was in the school play and I sat next to him in English class. dominating. cafes. I suppose all this appealed to him because he asked me out. that he was smart and that he didn’t use too much hair gel . We were sitting under the projection box. If I had known it would become something corrupt. Conventional . I shrugged my black. every fifteen feet. I knew that he played rugby. ‘Yes’. Couplets rhyme. a great diversity of people wandering.Candidate 1 Original Writing Task (a) Just A Girl Who Loves A Boy My mouth forming a response to his question marks the beginning of a conjunction. would I have given that answer? Well…I was just a girl who loved a boy. he just wasn’t my Mr Right. He was putting a finger to my lips when the cashier gave him five pounds. Then the credits were rolling and his head was bending towards my ear and his breath made my earring flutter against my neck and my mouth was forming the words to answer his question. under the central row of durmast oaks. If I place the event in context. I guess he knew that I was quiet. A positive expression of affirmation. I suppose he and I rhymed in a way – we were two words agreeing with each other. Or do I? He and I didn’t know a lot about one another. ninety-nine pence. side by side. explore the reasons that shape the meanings. The security cameras remember us. he reached around my back and pulled it across his lap. together. it was a very conventional relationship. we had never talked. fresh from spring growth. he rolled his blue eyes at the cashier as he counted out two twenty pound notes and exchanged them for a plastic shopper.but not much else. I wanted people to see us. cream pullover nestling inside. bustling. maybe a college friend we knew. happy. hand in hand. Is that how they remember us? That is how I remember us. a black and white image of a girl and a boy recorded in their data files. I remember them…do they remember us? Many people saw us that day. The rhythm was simple. We were walking down the centre aisle and I was twisting my head to the left. couplet. roses etched into the design. We walked along Oxford Street.
He is not like that with her. Glow exudes from house windows and a soft. English. underneath everything. from between my shoulder blades. trailing his hands. to my right comes as a swift shock to me. I need to stop all this. they droop and settle out into tight slits. If I run he will run after me and now he is saying something – what is it? I don’t know. I go for a walk to clear my head.standards. I don’t know what to do. a handful of material clenched in the man’s fist. Actually. foregrounding the melancholy words which. Wait. his head down. tracing his fingertips on the surface. black eyebrows. obscene messages scribbled in felt tip by school children and I can hear shards of glass crunching underfoot. relief. we went out. my resolutions to forget him completely. I know the graffiti is there. my personal favourite at college. He pulls me close. I stop abruptly and contemplate going back. He turns me around. spring breeze plays on the small of my back. directing me down the short tunnel to the supermarket car-park. I smiled at him but he was looking away. I am panicked. The wind has picked up but just above its whistling I can hear his footsteps coming after me. In that moment I understand how crazy and absurd love 6 . Loved me. entwining his fingers. I don’t want to hear his voice. opposite the darkening park. under a lamppost. the light hit hard pavement. which instilled in me such a beautiful belief. I need to stop discussing him with my friends – they’re getting fed up.we talked. I think he does notice because he has asked me to stop doing it. His intonation was tinged with an amalgamation of regret. I am so engrossed by my thoughts. the previous days and yet still not find an answer. minute detail of that moment. I suppose that was why it didn’t work out. He was gone and I was devastated. that the man muttering a few steps ahead. Everyone knew he and I weren’t completely as ease with one another because he discussed it with his friends and I with mine. He told me why but he was hesitant. an arm outstretched to hold himself up. Light fell softly from the bulb and highlighted him against the black. I can analyse every small. I reached him. I can see out of the corner of my eye though that he doesn’t love her as much as he loves me. My lacy. black hole and although I can’t see it. I will never know why. teaches the analytical side to finding an answer. his reasons were laced with fillers – um and er. I try to be subtle but I think he notices me staring sometimes. I need to get rid of the feelings for him that have dominated all other feelings for so long. the very depths of my heart. I need to stop trawling his web page for any hint that he might still think of me. right up close to his face so I can see his eyes. he spoke. His is leaning into the wall. five seconds later. my face. It has been one year and I have decided I must. I conclude that he didn’t really know himself. a decision which I decide is for the best. It was cold so his words were edged in condensation. the glass a whispering warning. He would reach out and touch my hair. sorrow. He has a new girlfriend. we kissed. The tunnel is a round. while touching. But I did love him. I shouldn’t have come down hear – someone from Saturday night has probably crawled in here to be sick and somewhere along my journey I am going to step in it. just another standard feature he felt he had to accommodate? I was hurrying along my street and he was standing at the very end. I looked back but he was not under the lamppost. They are unfocussed and weighed down by heavy. I watch them together in college. He said he loved me. cream pullover is yanked. It is quite late but I need to go. thoughts of him are over-whelming me. glaring and brightly coloured. to face him and my left foot trips over my right because I am not in control anymore. that night. The man’s eyes are blue. I turned and went back along my street. Were those three words. We just went through the motions . must move along.
Too much? When does love become obsession? 7 . I wonder. while I listen to the hushed pages of a magazine turn. Thousands of jagged glass pieces pin-prick my back and I cry out. Are they crying or do they have a cold? Who is it? I know who I want it to be. I am just a girl who loves a boy. disinfectant and fresh sheets and I can hear fragmented beeps. and the noise of a television muffled by a dividing wall so I know I am in a hospital. He is one of the four boys running towards me. The parking lots are all empty but for a group of four people are silhouetted as perching on the trolley rack. I can smell cleanliness. they come every several seconds. He must have waited while I slept. The nurse smiles back. with the sharp edge of the building creeping into the frame at the left edge. Silhouettes merge detail so I don’t see them turn their heads but they must have done because they have seen me and they have seen the man slamming me against the tunnel wall. They are running towards me and I can see now that they are four boys. I am awake but I don’t open my eyes yet. He came with me in the ambulance. I am just a girl who loves a boy. The man has seen them too.is because instead of trying to dissect my situation and think of a rational plan. I finally open my eyes. I draw in breath and shout as loudly as I can. Would he care if he knew this was happening? The man’s eyes are frightening me and I need to think so I look down and then look across the man’s shoulder. if this is what it took for him to realise he still loves me. or even think thoughts of fear…I am thinking of him. Every so often they sniff. but I am actually feeling fine. I can sense someone sitting on the chair on my right. very much. I can feel the friction between the cotton hospital robe and the rough texture of the stitches that criss-cross my back so I know why I am here. At the end of the tunnel is a semi-circular snap-shot of the supermarket car-park. He held my hand while they prised the translucent slices from their grip on my flesh. He drops me to the ground and I land heavily on my back because I make no attempt to keep my feet. to smile at him. strangely.
maybe ‘Mr Right’ is just a more dignified label for ‘Prince Charming’. So. The endings were all the same: happy. imagined our fantasy weddings. a brown shirt. if your very unlucky. At least. and possibly. I tend to feel this is because we simply want adoration. minimum. To have the door opened for you or the wine poured for you make’s you feel respected. 8 . This much you can guarantee. TRIED AND TESTED DATING MYTH Mr Right.Candidate 1 Original Writing Task (b) MR RIGHT: I’m Still Looking ON THE AGE OLD. having someone pay the bill isn’t too bad either. Often the man you hope is going to The One bears absolutely no resemblance to this ideal. All women want him…all men have to live up to him – the question is. So there you go. But was that damn fairy god . protection from the nasty parking ticket guy and something to show off all wrapped up in one gorgeous packet. But the one definition of ‘Mr Right’ that is completely accurate is: perfect. Maybe ‘Mr Right’ is just a beautiful hope that one day. When I planned his floppy blonde hair and my three tiers with pillars wedding cake I also planned to find him pretty soon. excellent food. And he was always an all round genuine nice guy – there is something about the concept of chivalry that is so completely rosy. all our dreams will come true. maybe needy. we dreamt of our happy endings. The endings all had one thing in common: the princess found her prince. we can safely agree that we are not at fault in any shape or form. Mr Right does not exist and never has. And he’ll have the sort of baggage that requires its own baggage handler maybe freakishly obsessive. Or am I just bitter because I have not found him yet? This is because – and I’m sure you’ll agree with me – that men are simply incapable of being perfect. He will be wearing a shiny suit. does he really exist? We all dream of finding Mr Right. How many times have I overheard women complaining that they still have not found their perfect guy? Women in their forties and even fifties are still searching for their elusive man. Fact. I know I do – an easy life is not too much to ask for.mother lying? Because here is the catch. He will live an hour away from where you live. valued. maybe immature. but never attained goal? It’s anyone’s guess. Or is there a more romantic explanation for our craving for perfection? As little girls we all believed the Disney films. I have a sneaky suspicion that we just might be fooling ourselves – our genius invention might not actually work. cared for and hey. a London penthouse. A slow realization that Mr Right never comes along. Consequently. A figment of one's imagination? Someone all women dream of? A greatly desired. signed our names as ‘Mrs Charming’. Whoaa! There’s a thing.
This hunting game is most definitely a wild and exciting undertaking of hazardous nature. could be viewed as going to far when we begin to write off every kind of men who might cross our path. your childhood ideal. she certainly is. This I stand by because men so often get it wrong. It’s happened to everyone.with the opposite effect. we hit him when he smiles at the hot blonde girl. Because this just leads to him wapping his ‘muscles’ out . we eat all his Christmas chocolate. I think I cried for quite a while. then he doesn’t make the cut. When it ended. including when you get to the airport and discover he has no passport. correct. Even seemingly ‘perfect’ couples don’t always have their dream. Must be able to play sports to a fairly high standard. Must be as smart as you. squeaky. our We Only Deserve The Best attitude is ensuring that Mr Right is slowly but surely becoming extinct. and even they couldn’t get it right. As in. Not very. The fairytale romance and marriage of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston ended on the 10th October 2005. Robert Pattinson has officially enlightened us – mahogany is now no longer a good look and our man must be able to keep up with essential trends. My first ‘Mr Right’ experience devastated me when I was sixteen. their fairytale. One of Hollywood’s most glamorous couples. 9 . So he was her Mr Right and Jolie’s Mr Right? Can he even be both?. Confusing. We love because it is the only true adventure. the understanding that such a dream might not exist comes as a shock. in the case of finding She is Must not try to impress you. This is a simple precaution that ensures he does not embarrass you in front of friends. very annoying. Must not think that G-Star and excessive hair gel is the way forward. Must be taller and hairier then you. our insistence on perfection. Unless he can get away with it. If he doesn’t tick next to all of the above. we cry during Titanic. And what about those who can’t find anyone at all? Our fantasises.Sometimes. Must love women. it was because he found someone else? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie met and fell in love on the set of ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’ and got together in 2005 – shortly after his split with Aniston.. Must not wear jewellery. But then. That seems to be breaking the rules . For those who are utterly convinced they have found their Mr Right. he was perfect. THE CHECKLIST Must have hair. Well. Maybe this is the reason many of us are still single. This is solely an ideal reminiscent of my school days when it was a key feature of a boy’s fanciability. must love that we contradict him in public. voice that you get when you are excited is cute. Maybe our pickiness. After all.. Of course I knew we would be together forever. poet Right. Must be able to make you laugh in all situations. your Disney prince. Must think the high-pitched. it is entirely a whole lot messier.. Which he can’t. Obviously. it is probable that the man you fall in love with will not be Mr Right. we loved each other. - Nikki Giovanni.the term ‘The One’ suggests exactly that – there is only ‘One’ for each of us.
using the plural possessive pronouns ‘we’ and ‘our’ to group myself and my readers together and instigate a feeling of unity. whom she believed to be her Mr Right. reflecting how alone my character feels. I used flashback techniques in both my pieces. un-important details of the relationship. In my article. This was to reflect how all women have problems with their ‘love-life’. From this observation. followed by a short paragraph which shows her ‘analysis’ of the memory in an attempt to understand why the relationship ended. The second repetition. Having read Ian McEwan’s ‘Enduring Love’. where ‘I’ is the dominant pronoun. In my article I used the first person slightly differently. However. Both my pieces end similarly – with the realisation that love isn’t always perfect. The article explores why women have an obsession with finding their ‘Mr Right’. The purpose of both pieces is to entertain but both also theorise and explore different aspects of love. This was to leave the reader with a definite answer to any questions they might have had when reading my pieces. My story explores the thoughts and feelings of a girl who is still in love with her ex-boyfriend.Candidate1 Task (c) Commentary My coursework is connected by the themes of love and obsession. in my story I used it as a clear structure to order my content. The story follows the layout of a flashback. This repetition creates a matter of fact tone to emphasis that her love for him cannot be denied. ‘Cosmopolitan’. I came up with the idea to explore the theme of obsession through my characters analytical approach to dealing with her situation. I use the present singular verb ‘am’ to reflect that she now understands that she was fooling herself – she does still love him. I noticed how his theme of obsession is explored through the characters constant re-visiting of facts and his use of scientific lexis. In my story I repeat the declarative statement. they are both intentionally thought-provoking – my article discusses the idea that the perceived idea of ‘Mr Right’ as perfection is just a myth. This contrasts with my story. The analytical paragraph is to show her obsession because she breaks down small. I decided to write a short story where one character is obsessed with another. Her love becomes obsession when she can’t get over him. In both my creative pieces I use parallelism and a declarative sentence mood. this meant to reader could relate to what I was writing. I used the first person to reflect how the events. we’re all in this together – the purpose of this being to evoke a ‘feel-good’ feeling among my readers and a sense of reassurance. ‘I was just a girl who loved a boy’. that there is no argument with the fact that she is obsessed with him. my character remembering significant memories of the relationship. for example. This is a link to Ian McEwan’s work as when reading ‘Enduring Love’. creating a character with whom the reader could empathise. The last time I 10 . My story concludes with my character understanding that her love has become obsession and her boy-friend will never be her ‘Mr Right’ and my article with the coincidental decision that Mr Right doesn’t exist. In both pieces the objective of this was to reflect how the issues in both were personal and affect us directly. For my nonliterary piece I chose to write a feature article in the style you might find in a woman’s magazine. Both pieces of creative writing use the first person to present of subjective point of view. thoughts and feelings in the story were all personal to my character. it was simply to relate a past experience to my reader as an example to back up my argument that relationships don’t always work out. Both my pieces are targeted at young women because the issues contained in both pieces affect all women. This is to reflect her feelings that she ‘was’ a girl who loved a boy but now she no longer loves him. The first I use the past participle ‘was’. In my story. whereas my story looks at the different reasons why relationships don’t always work out. but each time change the sentence slightly. I repeat it twice.
parallel sentences ‘the endings were all the same . In both my pieces I incorporate the theme of ‘endings’ as a link to break-ups. ellipsis is used to show how my thoughts follow on to realise that woman are not the only ones who are affected by the idea of ‘Mr Right’. which reflects the themes of love and obsession. when the two of them were together. for example. This is to reflect my argument that all women have a perceived expectation of ‘Mr Right’ as being the perfect image of romance. women being 11 . ellipsis creates a similar sense that my thoughts are incomplete. a technique I noticed in Ian McEwan’s work. creates a similar matter of fact tone. imagined our fantasy weddings. In both my pieces I use the dynamic verb ‘devastated’. the adjective ‘spring’ creates connotations of fresh beginnings. ‘couplet’ and ‘context’. ‘well… I was just a girl who loved a boy’ to show how her thoughts are incomplete and she is pausing to rationalise and make sense of a matter that to her is complex and difficult to understand. In my literary piece I use tripling. in the statement ‘all women want him…all men have to live up to him’. to develop an image of how the relationship completely took control of my character. This rule of three creates a fairytale image because it reflects the ‘3 wishes’ tradition found in fairy stories. I made a conscious decision to create this effect by including dictionary definitions of words and English terminology in my story to link with her analytical personality brought on by obsession. reflecting a statement that is difficult to argue with.happy.repeat it I add the phrase ‘very much’ to the end of the sentence to reflect her realization that she is obsessed with him. as if she is reaching out to go back to a time when she was happy. The structure of my literary piece juxtaposes present tense and past continuous tense. When I came up with the idea to explore the theme of obsession this way. ‘rosy’. In my article I also use tripling. This is to show my character’s obsessive analysis of their relationship and why it didn’t work out. In both my story and article I reflect how break-ups can lead too obsession – my character becoming obsessed with her ex-boyfriend in my story and in my article. In my article the phrase ‘shape or form’ creates connotations of body image. the verb ‘devastated’ reflecting this by conveying the complete destruction of happiness that love can cause. Both my pieces use lexical sets to reflect my theme that inspired them – love and obsession. Woman often worry whether their appearance affects whether a man likes them or not so my statement that ‘we are not at fault in any shape or form’ is a subtle hint that this isn’t true – again evoking a ‘feel-good’ feeling in my readers. ‘conjunction’. consuming. The endings all had one thing in common – the princess found her prince’. For example. which contrasts to my non-literary piece. achieving one of the purposes of my article. In my story I use a lexical set of English analytical terminology for example. In my article. ‘dreams’ and ‘fairy-tale’. how her life was almost new because being with her boy-friend made her life before seem so different. ‘weddings’. This reflects one of the links between the two pieces – both pieces deal with the idea that love isn’t always perfect. for example. In my article. This is emphasised with a declarative sentence mood. dominating’. in my story my character reflects. I use ellipsis in both pieces. signed our names as Mrs Charming’. In my story. This links to my argument that women believe finding ‘Mr Right’ will be like a fairytale. for example. In my article I use a lexical set of connotations associated with romance and love. almost overwhelming the reader. the listing technique showing how overwhelming her feelings for her boyfriend are because it builds up lots of images quickly. ‘corrupt. though with contrasting effects. new life which reflects how the beginning of my character’s relationship was the start of something new. for example. I use connotations in both my pieces. ‘intonation ’. ‘we dreamt of our happy endings. In my story I use the past continuous tense in my character’s flashbacks to create a sense of immediacy and on-going action to a scene that is in the past I do this the try and show how the girl is trying to place herself directly in the location and the time of the narrative.
In my article I use a simple sentence . In my story there is little dialogue for the similar reason of reflecting how the narrative is the girl’s own opinions and thoughts to herself. mentioning the ‘darkening park’. In both my pieces I use spoken interjections. I use juxtaposition in my article to reflect the reality of break-ups. I use pathetic fallacy in my description of the break up. In contrast. Also. where she is and what it is like – they can almost hear the glass as she stands on it. This use of juxtaposition contrasts a fairytale. I also use the onomatopoeic verb ‘crunching’ to re-create the sound the glass makes as the girl walks down the tunnel. My two pieces use these different imagery techniques because my story is trying to reflect my characters feelings whereas my article is trying to present a realistic example to support my argument. In contrast I use the bilabials ‘whispering warning’ in my story to create a more soft. which I might have done if the article had incorporated an interview discussing the topic with someone. This is to reflect the realism that Mr Right doesn’t exist. I use alliteration in both creative pieces. in comparison. Using speech would introduce more characters and I wanted the story to be completely about her to reflect how withdrawn. In my story I foreground the break-up. In my article this is because its opinions are my own so I don’t use any dialogue. in both pieces.obsessed with finding Mr Right. to sum up this. However both pieces create imagery of ‘endings’ in different ways. both pieces use rhetorical questions to reflect the complexity of love and how it raises lots of questions in order to understand it. Later in the article I juxtapose this image with a more realistic suggestion that ‘such a dream might not exist’. happy ending with the devastating break-up of ‘one of Hollywood’s most glamorous couples’. making the narrative come to life. The adjective ‘darkening’ creates imagery of a light fading. all our dreams will come true’. This reflects. he just wasn’t my Mr Right’ and ‘I suppose that was why it didn’t work out’. snake sound emphasising that ‘Mr Right’ is just a sneaky trick. In the beginning of my article I create symbolic images of ‘happy endings’. shock at something. However.‘confusing’. This creates tension and reflects my characters growing anxiety during the relationship that it wasn’t going to be perfect. ‘whoa!’ in my article and ‘wait!’ in my story. urgent tone which creates a tense atmosphere as the man follows the girl. In my article I describe my ‘sneaky suspicion’. for example ‘in the end. 12 . depressed she is since the break up because when you are depressed you tend to isolate yourself from other people. rather then her speaking to someone else. the use of sibilance creating a hissing. Other then this I use very little discourse features in my creative pieces. to help the reader visualize. reflecting how her relationship is fading to. for example. using connotations such as ‘one day.
In the introduction the candidate has clearly explained the rationale behind the folder. It is assured in style. ‘The Checklist’ is humorous but credible. sentences are well controlled and the deliberate use of imagery which the candidate explores in the commentary pushes this piece strongly into Band 4. mature and individual.seems fair for this piece. This commentary is strongly into Band 4 and deserves a mark of 36/40 Folder total 70/80 13 . This is an impressive piece of creative writing. On balance a mark of 16/20. The quality of written expression is still very assured but it doesn’t quite have the flair evident in the short story. AO1: The writing is structured. It understands the genre conventions from which it has grown but avoids the clichés and offers something fresh and innovative. Vocabulary is sophisticated. accurate and fluent with sophisticated use of terms AO2: Detailed analysis is provided of how meaning is created through literary and linguistic approaches. AO3: There are plenty of comparisons exploring the effects of the varying similarities and differences between the creative pieces.borderline Band 4. commenting briefly on the text that inspired the literary piece and analysing the purpose and audience of both creative pieces. Right develops a clear thematic approach to the folder which is appropriate to the style of article found in numerous ‘women’s magazines’ such as Cosmopolitan as the candidate accurately points out in her commentary. Layout is also stylistically appropriate.Principal Moderator Comments on Candidate 1 Original Writing Task (a) Short Story: Just a Girl Who Loves A Boy. thorough and sophisticated using a wide range of terms and approaches. Task (c) Commentary The comparative commentary is detailed. Suggested mark: 18/20 Band 4 Original Writing Task (b) The feature article on Mr.
Her mind raced to how different things would be when she finally escaped. http://en. even with his head shaven he could strike the breath out of her. Mala was a caged creature with innate urges bursting from her to escape.S guards. while Zimetbaum. His mouth tweaked into a smile. He was extremely handsome. this did not break Mala’s spirit and it never would until her very last breath. Mala caught sight of a stone faced guard and briskly quickened her pace lowering her face. Her talent of languages allowed her to live such a life in the camp. she thought of how. having failed to commit suicide. much like he was clinging on to Mala for his own. Her mind offered her memories of past experiences. Death was a cloud that hung unconditionally over Auschwitz. 14 . She carried on walking. They also wanted to smuggle out deportation lists Zimetbaum had been able to copy due to her translator job in the office of the "Lagerleitung". His risk taking attitude attracted her as did his manly composure. There was no valid reason for this of course. Edek Galinski. nodding and acknowledging those around her with a friendly smile. he knew death was coming ever closer but her bright eyes soothed him.wikipedia. The air was crisp and the sky clear on the camp..org/wiki/Mala_Zimetbaum Mala was an exceptional individual. died finally after being tortured by the SS. other issues occupied her mind. She once saw a boy of only ten (possibly eleven) pass an SS soldier and get brutally shot dead on the spot. in his weary state his skeleton frame ageing him fifty years. She quickly thought of her lover Edek. she was unsure if they knew that she used these privileges to her advantage in helping others around her. She shook violently at the thought that brought bitter feelings towards the whole system to which she was a victim of. Mala walked along the pathway to the office she currently worked in. This was the life Mala had been living for two years. They seemed to like her. She had the overwhelming warmth of an angel. Death easily overcome the man and soon he was being carried away by SS guards and tossed aside ready to be burned. his skin was clinging on his bones for dear life. His eyes were sunken. though she counted her blessing that it was not yet her corpse disintegrating on the pile of ashes and burnt debris. Galinski managed to kill himself before being executed. However she was unable to enjoy the glow of sun on her face. They both were arrested on July 6 near the Slovakian frontier and sentenced to death. she managed a smile. the boy had only irritated the man slightly by walking.Candidate 2 Original Writing Task (a) Opening to a novel In June 1944.. As she gazed down on him. Mala Zimetbaum tried to escape together with her Polish lover. She thought to herself how her position was privileged yet unfair. She had access to many areas delivering messages at the order of S. Her dark hair brushed her rose painted cheek as she leant over cradling the young man.
Things flashed past her eyes and her mind was slow to process what was going on around her. No gunshot. ten others from the same group would be shot. The cloud of death hung over her head heavier than ever before. But how many more lives could she save if the truth was known to the world outside? She did not have the answers. As punishment. Unnoticed. they were heard. The only route was to pass the commotion. now seemed unethical. There were German shouts bellowing from the Nazi’s. There would be enough time to think about this later “If I survive that long. As she turned to walk away in bitterness. she propped her head against the wall and took a deep breath. One shot after the next. but she gathered the courage to take another glance at the row of soon to be dead. Mala backed into a darkened corner out of sight. but able to see what was happening. Once in the shelter of her office. She would be late to her office and the Nazi’s would not be pleased. Tears of relief glided down her cheek.” the voice shocked her to a cold sweat. 15 . I apologize. Something that could not be explained made her head rise. The longing of her fellow victims followed her with their eyes as she passed. An overwhelming feeling of resentment and helplessness overcame her. Mala composed herself. She couldn’t bear to look at the heaps of bodies that once walked freely with her outside of the hell she now resided in. It echoed in her eardrums for much longer than the seconds it took to pass.” she thought. The thuds of the bodies hitting the cold hard paving haunted her. “I am deeply sorry Sir. They would not be the first ones to attempt this. She waited another few minutes. Keeping her head bowed low she passed. as they confirmed today. At first it seemed that she went by as a ghost. Only the indecipherable sound of German shouts were audible. undisturbed. Her and Edek had not yet finalised their plans. She paused. A quick glance at the faces told her that her handsome lover wasn’t there.Suddenly she heard a loud shot and it felt as though the life flew out of her body. Someone had escaped. I was caught up in the commotion outside. It had occurred to her what had happened. “Mala you are late. She scrunched up her face. clenched her fists and walked. her mind racing her heart thumping. Should lives be taken for her doings? Her mind turned over with thoughts of other people dying with their blood on her hands. The plan that she and Edek had. Officers were dashing around gathering the living skeletal bodies around them. She took her first step forward and followed it with another. She stared and stared. A few seconds went by. ten times. Mala took a step back. what errands are there to be done?” She wiped her brow and busied herself with her work. She could feel the tears well up within. She prepared herself to possibly see Edek in the line of Jews.
S (Schutzstaffel. he suffered consistent breakdowns. out of revenge against Himmler. He was taken to the deck garden of the Reich Chancery and shot dead with one single lethal bullet to the head. Hitler shamelessly took the life of Himmler’s personal representative SS Lt. the allied nations were definitely considering suicide as a very plausible and realistic choice for the Fuehrer at that time. shattered to flee to prominent cyanide from the Hitler and his No2 Himmler standing behind . Gen. Hitler disregarded this.S) was attempting to overthrow Hitler’s status. Although Germany released no official details of Hitler’s death. Hitler raged furiously when the information reached him and ordered for Himmler’s immediate arrest. The Prime Minister. He requested tablets. the truth about the night of Hitler’s death is now. Although German officials claim he “died the death of a hero” whilst fighting the red army. and they were right. Bitterly. sixty years ago to the day that Hitler had “fallen at his command post in the Reich Chancery fighting to the last breath against Bolshevism and for Germany” this statement was made by his appointed successor Doenitz.. paranoia and often outbursts of rage at the prospect that Heinrich Himmler (leader of the S. Yet another life lost under the diabolical rule of the Nazi leader. lies and failures' and left them the blame of the ruin of his Reich. however after receiving the lethal poisonous tablets S. There was much speculation regarding the death of the Fuehrer. finally revealed.Candidate 2 Original Writing Task (b) Feature Article As the word of Hitler’s death spread. His close followers strongly advised him the mountains. Europe did not immediately celebrate the supposed death of Hitler. underground complex he deliberated his options. In his last days as the most powerful figure in Germany and possibly the most manipulative. one of his supposed most loyal companions and followers nicknamed "der treue Heinrich" (faithful Heinrich). Winston Churchill made no statement about the war situation in Europe except to say “It was definitely more satisfactory than five years ago”. he 16 He treason. The soviet advancements into Berlin were The Fuehrer unstoppable. destructive man on the earth. hysterically let loose accusing his deserters of 'universal corruption. Hermann Fegelein. it was possible he was attempting a daring escape or possibly fleeing underground. It was announced on a local German radio station. The only option in his twisted cowardice mind was suicide.. The time In his was upon Hitler to make a decision. His Reich was over. the news was received around the world as a miracle much awaited. While Hitler resided in Berlin. Hitler’s powerful protection guard). his whereabouts unknown to his foundation of followers Himmler attempted to forge a peace with the allied nations.
The ceremony took place on the 29th of April. That very night the head of Nazi propaganda. No doubt influenced by Hitler’s decision. The death of his dog. Hitler was however. Most people feel that in his last moments of self pity and denial he experienced no epiphany and continued condemning all Jews. This fact is often seen as an act of malice. Twelve years of bloodshed. Coincidentally Eva Braun. Blondi. Did the death of Hitler signify the death of the bloodiest. most deadly heart wrenching war in the history of the world? Did the world learn it’s lesson? Time will tell. In another section of the will there was a subtle reference to the gas chambers as more “humane ways” for punishable death. The cyanide tablets were suggested to him by his physician after a consultation over the best form of suicide. Many fled. very fond of his pet. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that the mass genocide he committed is an outrage to mankind and all moral principles we follow. “Centuries will go by. The Thousand Year Reich was at an end in ignominy a mere twelve years and three months since it began. Therefore. with a single pistol shot. Josef decided to inflict no more pain on his family and poisoned his 6 children. Before his death. but from the ruins of our towns and monuments the hatred of those to thank for all this: international Jewry and its henchmen”. They outnumbered the Germans 15 to 1. with all hope lost major political leaders of the Nazi movement were The Goebbels Family then looking for ways to escape the consequences of their recent actions. the downfall of the Nazi reign was inevitable. dispelled any doubts he may have had. It read. A red banner hung from the second floor of the Reichstag a sure sign of surrender.remembered his recent betrayal and feared they may have been tampered with by Himmler and would not work. attempted peace or murdered their families and killed themselves. Hitler then tested the drugs on his beloved dog. During the time before his death the German commander was heard saying how defeat was imminent with the red army closing in on Berlin where he resided in a bunker less than a mile away from the Reichstag. With no stable leader and no guidance. Goebbels and his wife then both shot themselves in the head knowing that hope was now gone for Germany and that soon enough their actions will lead to their natural consequences. It was well known that the German Army did not have the means to halt Marshall Zulkaus Russian troops. His physician advised cyanide poisoning and gunshot. Hitler and his wife Eva made their commitment to each other in their private ceremony in the bunker. with Eva Braun showing tremendous courage to stand by the falling leader. 17 . A copy of Hitler last will and testament was released with the sickening message that he dictated to his country. Hitler’s long term partner and ultimately his wife was also found dead after taking a deadly dose of poison. war and evil on a scale which almost defies imagination. Hitler was inevitably feeling the strain of Germany’s suffering on his shoulders and found himself left with no way out.
For my literary piece I decided to write the opening to a novel.” This shows the type of character that Mala was and how others looked up to her. I put in syndetic listing “She carried on walking (adjective). In my novel I used “This was the life Mala had been living for two years” this statement is resentful and sad and making it seem prolonged and never ending. The purpose of this text is to entertain and to inform people of how lives were lived in World War Two. Mala Ziemerbaum was a Jew in the Second World War who was captured and taken to Auschwitz. I also used pictures of the most important figures mentioned in the article. “Suffering” (noun) indicates the ongoing pain Hitler put the German people through. “Inevitably (Adverb)” suggests that a chain of events has been set in place that will be concluded and punishment for these crimes will certainly follow.” To indicate the future of Mala and that death was coming to her. The purpose of this article is to inform the public of a famous leader’s death. paranoia(noun) and often outbursts of rage (pre-modified noun phrase)” these are all related to negative feelings and emotions reflecting Hitler’s state of mind before his death. and make them wonder more about her. This was to act as a visual aid for readers and to put an image to the words and faces to the personalities. I used a lexical set of words connected with pressure “closing in”. 18 . Hitler. I also used “his shoulders”. In my article I also used syndetic listing “breakdown (noun). For my article I used third person narrative stance as is more commonly used in an information article. in comparison I also used third person address in my opening to a novel I took the part of the omniscient narrator. it is based on a true story. “no way out” to build up all the feelings of pressure Hitler felt. The order in which the article is written is from most important to least important with all the vital questions answered first. and being bias toward the fact that he deserved all the feelings and pressures he went through to have a slight inclination of the suffering he put his people and others through.” This informs the readers straight away of the situation and clarifies the title. and I made connections with this to the development of the novel “The plan that Edek had. This is to inform the readers of the most important aspects of the story and then I was able to add details later on. “If I survive that long. now seemed unethical. something common that happened and how Mala offered comfort “he knew death was coming ever closer but her bright eyes soothed him. The article contains the details that were announced by German officials but also speculations by the other world leaders and more probable reasons for his death. On the other hand in my novel I first introduced the main character “Mala was an exceptional individual” this would intrigue the reader. Himmler and Goebbels. This was also made as least sympathetic as possible. The attitude towards Hitler in this article is generally against his views and leadership and took the side of the British public. However I used the subordinating conjunction until “Death was a cloud that hung unconditionally over Auschwitz.Candidate 2 Task (c) Commentary I decided to write a feature article on the events of Hitler’s death sixty years on for my non-literary piece.” In another comparison most of the article is written in declarative sentence mood “It has been announced that the Fuehrer Adolf Hitler is dead. I inserted an event of a dying man. this did not break Mala’s spirit and it never would until her very last breath. She tried to escape the death camp in 1944 with her Polish lover Edek Galinski. she thought” This allowed me to take different perspectives although I mainly stuck with Mala’s view point. Then as Mala was walking to her office she passed by more deaths. nodding(adjective) and acknowledging those around (pre-modified noun phrase) her with a friendly smile” in my novel to make it seems repetitive as though she does it most days and the effort of trying to keep spirits up is taking its toll and she is hiding inside misery.
My article included the aspirants “heart. I also used the metaphor “She had the overwhelming warmth of an angel. 19 . I aimed to convey Mala’s beauty and how she was looked up to by others.. the main theme that connects both is. However in my novel I used sibilance “His eyes were sunken. There are many similarities and differences in both my literary and non-literary pieces. his skin was clinging on his bones” this was to intensify the man’s image and also release a hissing sound to convey anger over the war. The plosives in my novel “The air was crisp and the sky clear on the camp” this is effective as it intensifies the purpose of the weather. history” this portrays a breathy hopeful voice of the narrator but filled with anger. the terror of war and in particular the discrimination of Jews. heart-wrenching (compound adjective) war” to emphasize the bloodshed and pain that Hitler had mostly caused.” In my novel but to create a different effect. indicating something cold and cruel was soon to happen.. Her image also contrasts with the image of a dying man “his skeleton frame ageing him fifty years” this heightens the prospect of dying and going to heaven.In my article I used the metaphor “Bloodiest (superlative).
Despite the odd error in identification of terms (AO1). The piece itself is descriptive and evocative (if at times a little over-worked) and there are some lapses in control and the narrative suffers as a result. Layout is appropriate to genre and the headline is an intriguing pun. The Wikipedia extract at the start of the story gives the piece a factual base. The introduction does however consider the purpose of each of the creative pieces. There are flashes of Band 4 but this level is not sustained throughout the piece and as a result the suggested mark for this piece is 15/20 Band 3. One or two technical lapses appear but not enough to mar the strengths of this piece overall. the candidate works hard at analysing the effect of language choices (AO2) and compares and contrasts confidently the similarities and differences between the texts (AO3). Suggested mark: 29/40 Band 3 Folder Total: 60/80 20 . No mention is made of the text which inspired the Nazi Germany theme for the folder. Original Writing Task (b) The news article on Hitler written to commemorate the 60th anniversary of his death is original and well-researched offering detailed information about the death of the dictator. encouraging the reader to engage with the ‘real life’ aspects of the proposed novel.Principal Moderator Comments on Candidate 2 Original Writing Task (a) The literary piece is the opening to a novel set in Nazi Germany and is convincing in its portrayal of life during this period. unfortunately not always accurately. Suggested mark: 16/20 Band 4. It is not always helpful to the commentary to include word classes in brackets as often this is where the errors occur and it tends to disrupt the fluency of the response. A wide range of terms is used. Although as an opening to a novel it removes any suspense from the plot by revealing the outcome at the outset. Task (c) Commentary The comparative commentary is well-structured and detailed.
000 debt for buying six cars in two years). The reputation of the entire company was in ruins.” explained John “but I did not kill him”. He had a varied social life that had been filled with family. A brutal murder had occurred . Helping members of the general public on a daily basis was one thing but being a murderer was something else.Candidate 3: Original Writing Task (a) Short Story Deceptive Affairs “Yes I knew about her husband. fantasy and fascination had been savagely raped of its innocence because of this occasion. he was not an academic but was an extrovert who sought comfort in practical more than theoretical tasks. It was probably the reason why he had managed to maintain at least five year’s experience in every position he had set his mind to – the only reason he had left each one was because of his desire to reach new horizons and his father’s late words of the need to administer change every so often (the reason why he was in $100. So it was only natural that when Irene Bland approached him on a warm Wednesday afternoon that John would assume that she was of 21 . John Dew had lived and worked all his life in Orlando. He hadn’t had a perfect life by any means but everything was working out for him until this had happened. the medium built male in his mid-twenties with spiky brown hair pondered as to why he had been incriminated in this gruesome incident. friends and failed relationships (his excuse was that American girls were ‘hard to keep hold of’). He had left education. Admittedly. As a cast member. News Reporter. not to act on his assumptions. Counsellor. Florida. he had never seen the answer. John had conquered positions where the only qualification needed was the ability to be articulate and talk to people. The park that had once been known as being full of fun. Holiday Representative.Disney was at the centre of controversy and this time there was no covering up the evidence (which had to be collected by a team of forensic scientists and was led forth by a public inquiry). In all his years at Walt Disney Resort as a cast member. failing to acquire a high school diploma but found solace in the most sociable of jobs. John had a keen eye for spotting unsavoury characters and acquiring prejudices for many people who approached him – the training at Disney had strictly instructed him that although this was only natural. Even though the signs had been right there in front of him.
John thought of his female counterpart as physically attractive and as her visits to Walt Disney World became more frequent. He understood her loneliness and her desperation for a companion who wouldn’t seek to exploit her or abuse her on a daily basis as did she his need for a female acquaintance.he does far too much for me to stab him in the back like that” John soon realised that the woman standing in front of him had a high-maintenance lifestyle and that her true love was for money. Well. her husband did anyway. “He beats me” she proclaimed. Startled by this news. and what began as a question of where the public restrooms were became an explanation of why she was fed up of her tedious relationship with a man who didn’t love her. Irene was to lead her husband into an overnight stay at the penthouse suite at the luxurious Disney Hotel through means of manipulation which he would pay for. The plan was this. Universal Orlando. As far as looks went. An attractive woman of around twenty six. It was a ruthless winter night when Irene told John of her cold plan to murder her husband. daily even – He and Irene became so close that the tourists started asking her for directions instead. whose life was obviously not reflected by her surname. He would pay for a single room for one person which would not only work out as cheaper but help the police to rule 22 . who was certain this although this was the first. owner of local competitor resort.great wealth. It soon became apparent that she wanted more than just a friendship with John. John immediately responded with “Have you thought about reporting him to the police?” “No. bringing him back to his counselling days so had little difficulty listening to her life story. had a million dollar house on the East Coast and owned shares of a hotel company. Irene was married to her forty year old long-term partner. “As a former counsellor the only thing I can tell you to do is take drastic action before it becomes too serious” advised John. John had realised that her husband’s violent reaction to a parting would most certainly end in her own demise rather than his. Dave. I love him too dearly . He began inviting her to dinner while her husband was away on ‘business trips’ (not only was he beating her but also cheating on her with multiple mistresses) and to expense-paid trips with work. At first he was shocked but after months of getting to know her. it wouldn’t be the last time he would see Irene Bland. John had been used to listening and offering advice to customers.
Of course somebody had to pay the price. her gold-plated Blackberry mobile phone which was custom made for her in 2005 which imposed her as the criminal. The night of the murder came and as Dave collapsed on the floor. the police would abruptly invade her home and that her arrest would result on her being at the receiving end of a life imprisonment sentence for murder. choking on his own vomit. Little did she know that as she would be sipping margaritas in her lavish villa in France until the early hours of a Saturday morning.” she explained “I need to get rid of the body. John had risked his life for the woman. Only a week later would it be revealed that Irene left a crucial piece of evidence behind at the crime scene. to ditch her husband without being killed in the process. The reputation of Walt Disney World resort was to diminish with the reports that were to follow the next day. I can’t do it by myself – I need you to come and help me!” John contemplated the idea but foolishly decided to go ahead As John frantically made his way to the penthouse suite at the Disney Hotel. willingly being an accomplice to murder. “Look. She would dose him with a lethal cocktail of sodium thiopental combined with whiskey and he would literally drink himself to death. a fact that John Dew found out the hard way when he was being interrogated by the Florida police department. Irene flew out to Paris for a fresh start in life. who doubted his innocence but highly suspected his involvement. 23 . he would be confronted by the police as a result of an emergency call to 911 made by Irene earlier that evening. he remained completely unaware that at his point of arrival. Irene rang John in dire need of comforting. “DISNEY KILLS THE OPPOSITION”. That same night.herself out of the investigation. She had accomplished her goal. she had betrayed his trust and made him out to be the perpetrator.
I’d never seen such a luxurious backdrop of crisp. I couldn’t resist purchasing my $200 Wolf Jaw Jacket. the experience is what counts. weird and wonderful museums such as the world-famous “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not!” and incredible shopping complexes such as Pointe Orlando. the blistering sun greeted me in a way I had never experienced before. a fur lined coat guaranteed to keep me warm in the winter. International Drive is central to Orlando and has just about everything you need. In the Abercrombie store. I decided to take a brisk stroll down International Drive (or I-Drive as I would later be corrected by a local resident). the Americans are well known for being largely proportioned in size compared to us Brits (there being several McDonalds in every state). From souvenir keyring shops like Bargain World (with an astounding three on the same stretch of road) providing token souvenirs for loved ones at home at low prices. hotel rooms are not the most important part of a holiday. when there’s so much on offer to see and do. Half an hour into my “brisk” walk and no sign of it coming to an end – I realised that the never-ending journey I was about to embark on was far too extensive to be described as a stroll. personally. Abercrombie and Fitch and Armani to name but two. the more you are said to enjoy your stay. I’m no ordinary tourist. no more. if I wanted to tour the whole of I-Drive it would have to be rephrased as an expedition. the most logical thing for a typical tourist to do would be to relax in your hotel room. Everything is bigger in America. Situated on International Drive. They see 24 . where you can enjoy the delights of branded designer outlets. A few days after arrival. As a nation. it was only natural that the journey had hardly affected me. white beaches and clear. as did the people. Orlando’s tourist strip running 14 miles long. With regards to the hotels in Orlando. no less. the more you pay. I International Drive After an eight hour flight.Candidate 3 : Original writing Task (b) Travelogue Orlando: Florida’s star attraction From the moment I arrived. I just knew my first time in Florida would be a memorable experience. blue sky. the Best Western guaranteed me a central location in the sun. Of course. Best Western Plaza was just what I needed. For me.
as well as a main course. sausages and eggs in addition to American sweets such as pancakes. I decided to try Ponderosa. Is it the best buffet breakfast in the world? Probably. The menus are jam-packed with mouth-watering dishes. Italian favourites like calzones and Mexican dishes such as burritos. Orlando has proved itself to be commercially successful. There’s even a fresh fruit counter for those who are counting their calories (which just shouldn’t be done when you’re on holiday!). with various counters scattered across the outlet consisting of a variety of traditional breakfast staples such as bacon.50. you will need to order a starter. The Americans really do go all out on dining and it is an essential part of the holiday. means generous portions for tourists – something that I take full advantage of when going to Florida. If you ever get the chance to try Florida for yourself. with American classics such as succulent meat loaf. a steakhouse that specialises in the fine art of the low-budget all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast. A larger than life American steak A week or so into the holiday. and has been boosting Orlando’s population and popularity since it first opened its doors in 1971. The highly publicised Walt Disney World has had much to do with its success rate. waffles and doughnuts. which. is enough to buy an appetiser from a menu if you’re lucky. At just under £2. A typical pizza costs the equivalent to just under five pounds. which back home. With an estimated 50 million tourists visiting each year. 25 . is never repeated. it’s an offer that just can’t be beaten elsewhere. food always is for me.the matter of food on a much larger scale. an experience that once tried. Ponderosa’s buffet bar There’s not a great deal to be said about Orlando in a historical sense – it has always fared exceptionally well in the tourist sector. when it comes to meal sizes.
the mesmerising ‘flight’ over the Golden Gate Bridge was the most surreal experience of my life. the two most popular resorts. Don’t let travel agents pressurise you into buying excess tickets for multiple theme parks – unless you have the time to visit them all. There are essentially eight major theme parks in Orlando but in all honesty. It is an action-packed venue home to movie classics such as Star Wars. they will be worthless. WDW splits itself into six theme parks. I only had time to visit two. Park-wise.An Orlando tourism billboard As of 2008. Walt Disney World accounts for 40% of Orlando’s annual tourist count .attraction parks mean plenty of business for tourist resorts. which recreates the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark right before your very eyes! I literally felt as if I was on the set of the movie! The epic boulder-running scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark 26 . Next. a park in the shape of a golf ball where you can well and truly take flight on rides like Soarin’ . is hardly anything. the Magic Kingdom Park. which is the Disneyland Paris resort. made famous by the Disney film “Fantasia”. in comparison. Disney Hollywood Studios can be easily spotted by the giant wizard’s hat. and hosts productions such as the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular. is Epcot. in essence – it works out at only 20% of what’s on offer at the Orlando resort which. my only recommendation is to take time wandering around Walt Disney World and Universal Orlando Resort.
with fire effects demonstrated. filled with relaxing springs or Blizzard Beach. You NEED to buy a refillable bottle on arrival to the water parks. Fanta etc…) Entry sign into Blizzard Beach water park Don’t let Mickey Mouse spoil all the fun – the Universal Orlando Resort is equally as important! The resort divides itself into two attractions. a snowy environment with alluring water displays. Disney’s Animal Kingdom has been coined ‘a new species of theme park’. $10 (£5) gets you free refills on soda machines scattered across the park (Coke. My favourite ride in Universal Studios was Earthquake: The Big One. The final two theme parks being entirely water-based. where I was treated to a behindthe-scenes look at how films were made.Hollywood Studios is the place where you climb aboard exhilarating rides such as the Rock ‘n Roller Coaster featuring Aerosmith. having been built in 1990. with a choice between Typhoon Lagoon where you can spend all day surfing the world’s largest man-made lagoon. but remains one of the most popular. based on the 1974 film Earthquake. Earthquake is one of the oldest rides. Smack! A fire truck crashed into our vehicle and soaked the entire carriage. Sprite. the only duel inversion roller coaster in the world! 27 . stage props revealed and ending with a subway train disaster. a park full of rides that pay tribute to many famous blockbusters such as Jaws and Men in Black. going from zero to 60 mph in two seconds flat. Universal Studios. being a safari park with a difference. stunning landscapes and natural animal habitats surrounded by a 100-acre safari which offers a relaxing change from many of the other Disney parks. Riders on board Earthquake: The Big One Universal Islands of Adventure is the high-thrills stop for rides such as The Incredible Hulk which skyrockets its riders over one hundred feet (not for the faint hearted!) or Duelling Dragons.
I’ve never stopped enjoying it because no two visits are ever the same. shopping. The newly opened Apple Store is a must-see for technology fans – with the latest iPods and other nifty gadgets on offer. once the ride starts. The shopping experience is one that many find a rewarding and stress-free activity.Duelling Dragons. taking risks. 28 . Mall at Millenia. Universal Islands of Adventure It took me a week in total to scour the two resorts which was. half of my holiday time. is like being on a rollercoaster. for me. having fun . they are most definitely worth half of your time in Orlando. in effect. Florida. Buying things I wanted but didn’t necessarily need was my way of passing the time in between visiting terrific theme parks and dining at reasonably-priced restaurants. Yet as time consuming as the parks are. while my mum was maxing out her credit card in Macy’s and Zara. Orlando Eating. you’ll find it hard to let go. I concentrated on high-street giants like Lacoste and Hugo Boss where I purchased a vast amount of clothes and aftershaves. drinking.all elements that create the Florida experience. Shopping malls such as the Mall at Millenia will have you spending in no time.
‘I could not resist’. The short story uses first and second person singular subject pronouns in direct speech between Irene and John. the only two characters who engage in conversation throughout the entire story. It is led by a third person omniscient narrator who knows everything about the life of John Dew who ‘lived in Orlando. In contrast to the travelogue highlighting reasons why tourists should holiday to Florida.’ are used as a travel tip. Within the story. Having read Simon Veness’ ‘A Brit’s Guide to Orlando’ and having visited Florida on several occasions.Candidate 3: Task (c) Commentary My coursework is connected by the theme of Walt Disney World. the story starts at a flash-forward. the short story does the complete opposite and tries to degrade the image in the reader’s mind. they have subconsciously already chosen Orlando as their holiday destination. My travelogue contains linguistic devices that are typical of a travel article. My story contains linguistic devices that contrast to the article.. Both pieces of creative writing use the first person singular subject pronoun ‘I’. acting as guidelines which may be beneficial to them – ‘my favourite ride’. referring to the fact that most people tend to consider what attraction parks they want to visit when planning a trip to ‘Florida’. it is set out in two columns. commanding the reader to buy for their holiday as they see fit and not as the travel agent wishes. I used first person singular subject pronouns as well as possessive determiners to give the reader suggestions based on my time in Florida. posthumous to the ending with the main character John being interrogated by the police. ‘my only recommendation’ and ‘I’m no ordinary tourist’. It is based on a murder taking place in Walt Disney World an intriguing storyline that would take away the childhood innocence that is usually associated with Disney. adding to the controversy by deflating the ego of the well-known company. starting at when I arrived at the airport – ‘From the moment I arrived…’ and ending with a conclusion to summarise my time there – ‘the Florida experience’. I have written my article in chronological order. the purpose of both pieces is to inform the reader of the true façade that is Florida. For my non-literary piece of creative writing I chose to write a travelogue combining factual evidence with personal experience.’ Declaritive sentence types are used in the text to emphasise the size of the food in America – ‘Everything is bigger in America’ – as imperative sentence types such as ‘Don’t let travel agents pressurise you. the title of the travelogue in bold ‘Orlando: Florida’s star attraction’ acts as a pun. I felt I had a thorough enough knowledge of the resort itself and so decided to write a short story that not only links in with the theme park. Parenthesised exclamatory tone in ‘(not for the faint hearted!)’ acts as an anecdotal feature 29 . bearing in mind that they their primary goal is to make money. Florida. when in reality. contains various pictures accompanied with captions and is written informatively like a newspaper article.. My travel writing uses all three sentence types. I feel that the piece is made more comprehensible to the average reader and the pictures give an insight into what is being described such as the Ponderosa buffet breakfast bar shown when being described. the declarative statement in bold ‘DISNEY KILLS THE OPPOSITION’ is used within the story to replicate that of a newspaper headline. but creates a new spin on the way people think about the resort. In my Florida travelogue. Both creative pieces use bold writing. the combined use of plosive alliteration in the rhetorical interrogative with a minor sentence to follow has the effect of exaggerating the quality of the food at Ponderosa positively – ‘Is this the best buffet breakfast in the world? Probably. Florida all his life’ and lists various facts about his life in order to summarise how he had not come across a destructive imbalance as of yet – ‘everything was working out for him’. Comparatively. sometimes in combination – ‘I need you’ and ‘I knew about her husband’.
forcing the reader to become inquisitive and cause mental arousal as to what had happened. Both pieces of creative writing include lexical sets. fantasy and fascination’ whose innocence is soon to be lost by the personified pre-modified past tense adverb ‘savagely raped’. friends and failed relationships’ highlighting how he is a ‘people’ person. ‘Orlando’ and ‘Paris’ are mentioned to show the global span that is associated with the plotline. the thrill of buying expensive gifts despite financial circumstances because being on holiday means having saved up enough money to buy whatever you feel the need to. Similarly. such as the use of litotes in the short story – ‘Well. Comparatively. and where Irene moves for a fresh start in life. there is sibilant alliteration evident – ‘Shopping malls such as…spending’ shows the rush of spending money at designer stores. the asyndetic listing of John Dew’s employment history. where he is being interrogated by the police. Both asyndetic and syndetic listing are used throughout the short story. Pathetic fallacy is used when Irene tells John of her disposition to murder her husband – her ‘cold’ plan reflects on the temperature and heightens the intensity of the ‘ruthless’ winter night. having fun’ are present participles listed asyndetically to conclude the travelogue and to entice the reader into taking a holiday to Florida. In the travelogue. drinking. an example being his wealth. Syndetic listing is evident through the description of John’s life having been filled with ‘family. the travelogue describes the sun in Florida as being ‘blistering’ to describe the intensity of the rays in the simmering heat where in my short story. syndetic tripling in the travel article is used with regards to the American desserts in Ponderosa – ‘pancakes. a lexical set of country adjectives is evident in the travel writing piece to show different types of world cuisine – ‘American’. The short story uses italicised demonstrative determiner ‘this’ which alludes to the fact that John Dew led an easy-going life until a particular incident occurred. explaining where John has lived all his life. 30 . despite any futile effort that may have made to conceal it.to reflect on personal opinion toward what sort of people are suited to the park ride. Pre-modifiers are comparatively used in both travelogue and short story. ‘Eating. The onomatopoeic word ‘Smack’ adds to the sound of the fire track crashing into the subway train on Earthquake: The Big One in Universal Studios. her husband did anyway’ referring to the fact that Irene Bland took on her husband’s assets as her own and made full use of them. my short story uses parenthesised information after the declarative sentence ‘Disney was at the centre of controversy’ to inject humour into the fact that the explicit truth was to be revealed one way or another due to forensic investigation. Both pieces include a form of tripling. surrounded with people who love/loved him at a certain point in his life. The Incredible Hulk. ‘Italian’ and ‘Mexican’ whereas the lexical set of global cities in the short story ‘New York’. I use the superlative pre-modified noun phrase ‘most sociable’ to place emphasis on the idea that the main character John is only suited to sociable jobs. taking risks. ‘Counsellor’. ‘News Reporter’ emphases the fact that he was well-suited to jobs with included social elements. There are several linguistic contrasts between the two texts. having been a ‘Holiday Representative’. shopping. waffles and doughnuts’ are given as a rough idea to what the reader can be expecting to sample there while fricative tripling in the story is used to highlight positive connotations with Disney –‘full of fun. Allusion is a technique found in both texts – the alluding symbolism of the proper noun phrase ‘Mickey Mouse’ in the travelogue is effective in the way it not only refers to Walt Disney World but also represents the pioneering of the Disney franchise.
as the result of a combination of linguistic and literary devices. they have the ability of playing a role in the decision making process in the reader’s mind of whether to take a holiday to Florida or not. I believe that once read. 31 . I feel that both pieces summarise Florida in contrasting.In conclusion. yet effective ways.
Appropriate register and layout. Comparative structure facilitates implicit comparisons but explicit points of similarity and difference are also explored. Walt Disney World. The short story tries to do too much within the word limit and may have worked better as a novel opening. AO1 – wide range of terminology used mostly accurately and a well-organised and fluent response. The introduction acknowledges the conscious presentation of Florida in a contradictory style across the two creative texts. The information offered is knowledgeable and convincing. This piece is very conventional in terms of genre and as a result works well. 13/20 Original Writing Task (b) Travel Writing : Orlando: Florida’s Star Attraction. with some descriptive touches and at times sophisticated vocabulary. It is reminiscent at times of the hardboiled detective fiction of the likes of Raymond Chandler. comparative structure. with the right balance of fact and opinion. Orlando. Sustained focus on HOW language creates meaning. AO2 – detailed discussion of effects of literary and linguistic concepts and approaches. Suggested mark: 16/20 (just enough here to push over into Band 4) Task (c) Commentary The comparative commentary follows a clear. Suggested mark. organised. AO3 – Detailed comparisons and contrasts drawn out between texts. Florida. Suggested mark: 32/40 Total Folder: 61/80 32 . but the genre is not convincingly sustained throughout the piece. allowing for slower character and plot development. Although a little clichéd at times.Principal Moderator’s Comments on Candidate 3 Original Writing Task (a) Short Story: Deceptive Affairs. The theme behind the folder is the setting for both pieces. the narrative is reasonably controlled. Nevertheless. the writing is controlled and appropriate to the task.
like two neighbours leaning over the fence for that daily chat. She knew what she had to. her frozen fingers fumbling to tie the frosty lace of her battered trainer. the crinkle of the tissue paper. revealing her watch and with her bitten nails she calculated the time. A single star. She hung there. Fresh snowflakes had begun to settle on the cobblestone road like the icing sugar dusting on a master confectioner’s cake. As it neared. Flo drooled. tormenting life below. Her instinct was to scream but now was not the time. The screeching sirens were drawing ever closer. Flo squatted down. Scaffolding erected by stone masons cocooned the west side of the Minster like an exoskeleton. she noted its flea bitten skin. the dog clinging to her left arm. a stray flake drifted down. seated upon its throne. Her fingers now numb. and its eyes pale and vacant. but police sirens could now be heard from every direction. leaping upwards at the same time. Flo recognised its familiar face. She had one hour and twenty six minutes. ill-fitting doors and wood-worm infested beams. The Gothic minster loomed over the city. with her greasy chestnut hair. A dog barked. and again sprinted down the path. for what seemed like an eternity. The towering Tudor terraces arched over. grabbing onto the edge on the wall. Flo. who now appeared annoyed. rosy-cheeked. Flo. The River Ouse flowed directly in front of her. eroded by the millions of differently styled.NEVER! Darkness sealed the city. She needed to double back on herself. shredding her jacket on the ‘garden fence’. having eaten barely a sandwich all day. oblivious to whether the police had seen her or not. but not its sinister dominance.Candidate 4 Original Writing Task (a) Opening of Story . The Jorvik Viking Centre now nothing more than a pinprick in the background. Flo scarpered and crouched down behind a squad of refuse bins. In the distance the sound of wailing sirens could be heard. the road tearing at the sole of her left foot. She darted down a side street. Flo guessed it was the medieval Shambles. brilliantly coloured beads offered her reassurance. and shimmied across. The sprawling tentacles of the city surreptitiously invaded the surrounding countryside. Her sock now sodden with blood and moisture. piercing the night sky. blocking out the moonlight. She rolled up the sleeves of her bomber jacket. She lunged forward. distorting its beauty. there was no time. Taking a sharp turn. The snow flurry had eased. elaborately decorated door of the South Transept. shaped and designed shoes. A young dog emerged. An almost illegible sign was mounted on the wall: the flaking paint. which looked like broken chapped skin. she tucked the sick animal into her jacket. broke into a canter. it was an aeroplane glinting. She anxiously reached inside her coat pocket. Her left shoe tumbled into the depths of the drain. A police car skidded to a halt. stumbling forward. she had to think fast. clambered down the steps leading to the river channel. paused. She hurried on. its black ear and black socked paw. Flo stood at the entrance to a narrow. She gently posted the puppy through the cat flap of her door. many awaiting that infamous ghost tour. limping. her left trainer had become wedged in a rusting. hosting a bed and breakfast for a family of rodents. the smooth. all the time heading towards the rented house which she and her sick mother shared. black with dirt. the police were closing in from behind. 33 . the momentum of her legs swinging propelled her along. Flo swallowed hard as the vermin scurried away. A decaying cardboard box overturned with the sudden gust of wind. As the midnight hour approached clusters of excited tourists began to assemble on the manicured lawn outside the Minster. Her naive aqua eyes cowered in the darkness. Worn stone steps. meandering street. A salty scent of bacon lingered above the end stall from this afternoon’s market. Flo. Flo racked her brains. her foot raw. its talons gouging out the insides of its prey. She raced down the street. oblivious to the ‘keep off the grass’ plaque. not wanting to attract the attention of the on-looking tourists. whining and whimpering. No. littered with the abandoned iron frames of market stalls. climbed towards the Minster’s entrance. fractured drain into which a sickly trickle of residue meandered. battling against the whirlwind of remaining autumn leaves. Flo checked inside her pocket. Grimacing with pain from her scored ankle. The branches of the giant oaks laden with snow hung over the Cotswold stone pathway. like that of an eagle. She faced the high street. she struggled to release her foot. The midnight moon’s hazy glow filtered through the ‘Rose’ stained glass window above the huge. before the deadline was up. Then partly sympathetically and partly of necessity. tired and aching. conscious of the risk that it might follow her.
grasping the ledge desperately. she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her other parent. A helicopter hovered above. Flo. I’ve got this far. Flo.Come on. a determined teen. Flo swung her left arm. Her fingers burning. The money was crucial. its rotor blades noisily slicing through the air. It reminded her of the approaching deadline. Seven hundred thousand pounds was at stake. much needed for her Mum’s life-saving operation. not to mention her Mum’s life. Then her left hand slipped. A search light scoured all around. ‘Freeze!’ The beaded necklace in her jeans’ pocket dug into the side of her leg. A dominating voice bellowed from the night sky. She encouraged herself repeatedly. wasn’t going to give up! NEVER! 34 . shook her head. Her body dangled perilously above the murky water.
Needless to say the name caused a lot of hilarity.000 tonnes of York stone. pattern. surrounded by inspirational views. 35 . style and size. A shopper’s paradise. So called because it was here that they whipped people who were held in stocks in mediaeval times. After an hour. I couldn’t resist the urge to take several snapshots of the sleeping city. yet crisp morning air was refreshing. we arrived at the Shambles. corrected me. including the opportunity to design one yourself and have it professionally handmade. A shop I personally recommend is ‘The Japanese Shop’. free of charge. The frosty. or Maneki Neko. towering. oriental gifts. This was then gift wrapped. Tudor terraces. as the northern climate can be particularly cold during the winter months. but it necessitated wrapping up warm. one name stuck in my head. Whip Ma Whop Ma Gate. using handmade paper in a colour of my choice and a miniature origami swan was applied. containing hundreds of the traditional garb.Candidate 4 Original Writing Task (b) Travelogue JORVIK – A TAPESTRY of TIME Sunrise 7:55am Strolling along the impressive two mile long city walls. The Japanese lady must have observed me admiring the kimonos and considerately produced a catalogue. I was informed that one raising its left paw brings customers to a business and that one with its right paw raised invites prosperity. Offering an assortment of treats. including the traditional kimono. bearing an exotic array of original. I was tempted. design. we headed off for a well-earned cup of coffee. Making our way through the maze of York streets. including the must-have souvenirs and postcards from as little as five pence. and as the group began to disperse. everyone a different shade. pronounced ma-neck-ee-neck-o. a sensational world of its own within the boundaries of one room. the tour came to an end. home to handpicked shops nestling in authentic. I finally decided to purchase a lucky cat. Eventually. as my sister. who has a passion for Japan. consisting of 100. I was most content. After studying each shelf in turn.
which all offer an unique experience. we travelled like royalty. although. taking a majestic horse and carriage ride to York Minster. At the end of the journey a grand display of over 40. Apparently. according to the legend. This made it come to life for me. some explore the streets of York and others haunted houses. As we entered we were greeted by a friendly member of staff who led us to a table positioned by the window. one of fresh cream and the other of vanilla ice cream. followed by several others. served with two dipping pots. The Minster was framed by giant oak trees standing like guards and winter flowering pansies. we went on a ghost cellar tour. the largest. York is unquestionably Europe’s favourite city. Europe’s most haunted city. 36 . the grandest gothic cathedral in Northern Europe. enjoyed Jorvik. many years ago an apprentice plumber was installing a new central heating system in the cellars when he heard the sound of a horn. where its owner Frank Green’s sixteen servants were once busy making all their necessary preparations. We then descended to the atmospheric. but I was extremely pleased with the moist. it wasn’t cheap. In total there are six official ghost walking tours as of 2009. certainly tempted us. but chilling crypt. not to mention the imposing 275 stone steps reaching heavenwards which my sister and I tackled to be rewarded with panoramic views of the city. comfortable and relaxing. at no extra cost from the tourist information bureau. looking out towards the square.000 artefacts discovered through a series of excavations under the city of York itself awaited. Moreover. After this most agreeable refreshment. with a Roman soldier upon its back. A short wait followed. Suddenly a great cart horse emerged from the brick wall. it must be noted. a family favourite. double chocolate fudge brownies. The charm of this scene continued inside with a remarkable collection of stained-glass windows.Betty’s Cafe was on the menu for afternoon tea. allowing you to travel back in time. However. My brother. giving you an insight into Viking life. Its famous reputation throughout the United Kingdom for serving generously filled sandwiches and mouth watering home baked cakes. supposedly. in which we were led into a cellar. Mark. queues for this popular attraction are always lengthy and so I recommend you purchase a fast-pass ticket. deep beneath the house. allowing me to picture the civilisation and their way of life. which was very enjoyable. it is. Viking York Centre. It later emerged that the Roman soldiers had been walking on the old Roman road buried fifteen inches below the ground’s surface when they had occupied the city. Whilst visiting the Treasurer’s House. with an august display of historically cherished sites.
all is not lost. York is a captivating city. a short stay can be inadequate for families who like to get value for money. class attitudes still prevail among the minions employed by that particular stately home. A staff member would not allow us in. the creation of the York Pass means hope can be restored. once more. claiming that the restaurant was too expensive for our tastes and directed us to tearooms at the nearby garden centre. York has planned ahead. However. combining music. and its free street entertainment always attracts a crowd. I warn you to avoid Castle Howard. dance and history. winning the 2007 European Tourist Attraction of the year. we were refused entrance. My family and I were very offended and upset. And. vibrant place which will leave you with life-long memories. So. it’s real. It is a living. Sunset 16:44pm 37 . regardless of your age or tastes. 9 miles from York. Philosophically. Apparently. As York. The York Pass offers tourists several top attractions from one day to one week for one price. we put it down to jealously.York’s streets are always vibrant. Being a family. is bursting with attractions. we booked tickets via mobile phone for a matinee performance of The Sleeping Beauty on Ice at Castle Howard. I am glad to say that this episode did not detract from our pleasure at seeing the Russian Imperial ice skating stars’ spectacular. that has left millions of visitors in awe of the city and I guarantee that you will have a holiday of a lifetime. if you are not prepared for a rude and intimidating refusal. and I’m positive you’ll want return again and again. a never-ending feast of historical fact. hoping to enjoy a substantial meal at one of the Stable Yard restaurants. Not to mention the damage the economic recession has caused with many families’ hopes of going on holiday this year have been shattered. But.
Having read Graham Greene’s ‘Brighton Rock’. ‘unquestionably Europe’s favourite city’ to emphasise the scale of York in comparison to Europe and. dance and history’ also to illustrate the diversity of York and that it has something to offer everyone. in the opening complex sentence of the travelogue I use the singular first person pronoun ‘I’ to present a subjective point of view and to establish the personal nature of the travelogue. as they wonder what and where this could be. The story is written in third person singular ‘she’ which I often replace with the vocative of ‘Flo’. the noun ‘TAPESTRY’ suggests the history woven into the city with each era leaving its mark on York. a giant pictorial timeline. which possesses a hint of sarcasm. ‘leaping’. as together these verbs allow the reader to picture this three-part movement. The foregrounded present participle of the verb ‘Strolling’ immediately plunges the reader into the travelogue as the action is happening now. The title of my travelogue. ‘NEVER!’. in which he presents Brighton as a bustling. Also the exclamatory tone suggests determination and passionate feelings which provides insight into the how the story will progress and the controversial argument over such an ‘innocent’ act of theft.Candidate 4 Task (c) Commentary My coursework is connected by a sense of place. and has done something which she knows is wrong. which allows a closer relationship between the character and the reader. to avoid evoking suspicion. why is she running. Similarly. revealing very little about the plot. feelings and reactions to the sights and sounds I experienced. ‘the largest. ‘JORVIK – A TAPESTRY OF TIME’. Similarly. therefore. and to provide more intimate information than that of a holiday brochure. I have used a compoundadjective in both the travelogue ‘must-have souvenirs’. Throughout the travelogue I have used several superlatives. in the story. which suggests desperation. to create a sense of emergency. which entices the reader. allowing the reader to follow my every move and understand my thoughts. This suggests that she is afraid. but additionally to advise and inform. but juxtaposes this with a more seedy underworld behind the facade. it also creates a relaxed atmosphere and suggests a pleasurable. 38 . showing that Flo does not want to be seen by the on-looking tourists. with the noun phrase ‘A TAPESTRY OF TIME’ which provides insight into the historical nature of the city. ‘lunged’. in the travelogue I used the minor sentence ‘I was tempted’ to show my direct feelings. York. ‘grabbing’. short for ‘Florentine’. Whilst the travelogue’s audience is families. Similarly. enjoyable walk. and what for? However. encouraging the reader to continue. However. in the last two paragraphs the reader’s curiosity is rewarded by the revelation that ‘Flo’ had stolen a precious artefact from the museum at the Jorvik Centre in the hope that money gained from the theft would pay for essential medical treatment for her dying mother. I chose a minor sentence for the title of the opening of my story. providing personal experiences and helpful advice. I decided to write the opening chapter of a novel with a prominent sense of place. it is also intended to provoke debate and make people aware of a young person’s misguided attempt to save her dying mother. I used the dynamic verb ‘cowered’ to describe Flo’s eye retreating in to the darkness. I also use the omniscient narrator to give the reader a complete view of the setting and character. vibrant and attractive seaside resort. experiencing life from her ‘frame of mind’. combines the proper noun ‘JORVIK’ the Viking name for Roman York. I decided to write my travelogue covering one day in chronological order from sunrise to sunset. ‘rosy-cheeked’ suggests that Flo has been running for some time or perhaps that it is the result of the biting wind. shaped and designed shoes’ to illustrate the diversity of the people who have visited the Minster over the years. in the story. and in the travelogue. its individuality. and dive in to the character’s thoughts. but again reminds the reader of the tourism aspect of York. grandest gothic Cathedral in Northern Europe’. It also makes the text appear friendlier and family orientated. Whereas. out of curiosity. The travelogue’s intention is also to entertain. in the story I used the semantic field of dynamic verbs. therefore. the story is aimed at teenagers and young adults. as the adverb suggests something mysterious. The opening of the story can seem quite confusing: what is she running away from. Similarly. ‘differently styled. I have used several photographs of York itself to make the travelogue visually appealing and tempting in order that the reader may get a feel for the city. ‘combining music. which in this case is the city of York. Although the principal purpose of the story is to entertain. and for my non-literacy piece of writing I chose to write a travelogue on York. In both the opening of the story I have used asyndetic listing.
with its many cherished. The simile ‘like royal guards’ describes the impressive oak trees lining the approach to the great door of the Minster. Onomatopoeia can be detected in the dynamic verb ‘shimmied’. maybe reflecting its status. suggesting that there are two sides to York. However. In the travelogue the Minster is personified as ‘seated upon its throne’ here this metaphoric clause literally refers to the Archbishop of York. ‘a never-ending feast of historical fact’. with the character beginning to swing her legs to build up the momentum. not least in the monarch’s status as head of the Church of England. In the opening of the story the steps are personified using the verb ‘climbed’ this suggests that the Minster is elevated above the city. suggesting panic with regards to the life-threatening deadline and also that Flo is shivering with fear and cold. importance and status over the Church of England and the worship of many tourists and pilgrims. combining it with the noun ‘rats’ contrasts the tourism element with that of dirt and disease. The use of fricative alliteration ‘frozen fingers fumbling to tie the frosty lace’ creates a harsh tone. but here it is used to imply the choice and variety that York has to offer. The use of the adjective ‘royal’ demonstrates the connection between York and the monarch. smooth tone and illustrates the idyllic life of York. 39 . it also shows my immense passion for the city. and that it is the famous buildings which bring the city to life not the people. It has to be noted that the medieval walls separate the inner part of the city from the outer in both a physical and figurative manner. gentle. In the travelogue. The use of the simile ‘like the icing sugar dusting’ is used to describe the snow which contrasts with the negative and sinister imagery. whilst the second half is pronounced much quicker which refers to the rapid grabbing action as she tries to grip the stonework. listed buildings. This refers to the cosmetic facade described in Brighton Rock. illustrating the importance of the minster to York. a metaphor can also be detected. calmness and beauty which the tourist aspect of York definitely possesses. who has power. The use of plosive alliteration ‘towering Tudor terraces’ emphasises the historical and cultural aspect of York. with something to satisfy and astonish everyone. The first half of the word. which reminds the reader that York is a popular tourist destination. suggests a slower movement. ‘sleeping city’ creates a sense of serenity with its soft. This contrasts to the use of sibilance in the travelogue. The juxtaposition in the clause ‘sleeping city’ may at first appear confusing but this represents the city before it has awoken in the early morning. the noun feast has connotations which suggest a food banquet.The use of the metaphor ‘bed and breakfast’ has a tourism connotation. The snow is used to represent purity.
There are one or two minor errors of identification but on the whole this does not weaken the piece. There is evidence of fluent movement between the two original tasks when discussing connections between the texts. The travelogue spans just one day from sunrise to sunset and is an interesting approach to the genre. The introduction clearly outlines the rationale behind the folder and explores issues relating to audience and purpose. Suggested mark: 33/40 Band 4 Total folder: 66/80 40 . but on the whole this is a wellwritten and engaging task. There is a clear sense of the creative writing being inspired by the candidate’s wider reading. As in task (a) the writing is well-controlled and the vocabulary wide-ranging. Suggested mark: 17/20 Band 4 Task (c) Commentary The commentary is well-structured and fluently written using a very wide range of technical terms (AO1).Principal Moderator’s Comments on Candidate 4 Original Writing Task (a) Novel Opening: Never The connection between the original writing tasks is York and the candidate creates an evocative sense of place throughout the opening of the novel. The candidate consistently applies the three step model of Statement – Evidence – Analysis in order to fully explore the techniques and approaches used (AO2). There is good control of sentences to create pace and tension to the writing with an interesting twist in that the theft of the necklace is for an ‘honourable’ cause. The vocabulary is sophisticated and the imagery thought-provoking. if a little much at times. There is an interesting blend of information and a personal response to the city which makes the article engaging to read. Suggested mark: 16/20 Band 4 Original Writing Task (b) Travel Writing: Jorvik A Tapestry of Time The travel writing on York engages the reader with the alliterative title and is attractively presented using appropriate layout features. There are one or two naiveties of expression which belie the author’s age. whether they are points of similarities or difference (AO3).
She was forced by fate to live with her potentially good. Whilst they on the other hand were economically maximised and spent their days shopping for clothes. A real person of female gender would never walk to such an occasion. She spent all day as a domestic engineer. “Unless they really wanted to or had no other alternative. As she sat with Bella in the kitchen something amazing happened. “How can I wearing this?! Cinderella asked looking down at her ripped and worn clothing which smelt of a nondiscretionary fragrance.” she added quickly. She felt terribly unhappy and socially isolated.” With that . emotionally different step mother and her two facially challenged stepsisters who all thought that Cinderella was somewhat less desirable. Cheryl waved her wand which was of course made from wood and bark that she had found on the floor near a magic tree. When Cinderella wasn’t working around the house she spent time talking to her animal companion who was of course always treated with the utmost care and who was never deprived of anything. ensure that it is 41 . cleaning the house.” said the petite airborne humanoid possessed with magical powers.” said Cinderella unhappily. which was of course artificial since its source had pre‐considered the risk of causing epileptic fits and being a potential fire hazard. washing the dishes and tidying up after her house mates. “The access controllers will turn me away. bio degradable sequins and glitter and intricate bow detailing.Candidate 5 Original Writing Task (a) Politically correct version of Cinderella. Never would she dream of stripping a tree of its carcass! Cinderella’s long lived‐in clothes were replaced by a stunning and sparkly new dress which was made of natural fibres and cotton.“Now that we have settled the matter of the dress we need to get you a stylish form of transport. “You will go to the ball!” she continued happily. A burst of light filled the room. Once upon a time lived an unhappy person of female gender called Cinderella. Cinderella knew that her potentially good stepmother would strongly urge her not to attend the ball. “I’ve come to answer your hearts’ desire. One day an invitation printed on recycled paper was delivered to Cinderella’s home inviting the facially challenged sisters to an extravagant ball which was being held by the prince at his palace. Suddenly a petite airborne humanoid possessed with magical powers appeared in front of Cinderella and introduced herself as Cheryl. “I’m economically exploited and so I can’t even afford to buy myself something new. propping up the capitalist system and ordering Cinderella around. ‐ since equality is vital in any society‐ Bella the cat. “Bring me a pumpkin.” Said Cheryl.
The Prince was immediately struck by her genetically advantaged appearance and requested her to dance with him.” she requested. The chime of the clock told Cinderella that it was almost midnight. which was of course powered by solar panels and not electricity or batteries which can be harmful to the earth if simply discarded into landfill sites. Cinderella entered the Palace without any problems from the access controllers. all genetically gifted in their own way.“I need you to bring me seven mice. Cinderella soon returned with the organic. and hasn’t been grown using artificial fertilisers and definitely hasn’t been genetically modified. in personality.” explained Cheryl. 42 . which was merely for decoration as the coachperson would never dream of using it to whip any of the horses. As she entered a hush fell across the room as people noticed her natural grace and elegant attire. Although in hindsight there was no reason for their jealousy as there is a life partner out there for each of the party guests. Cinderella was ecstatic! She was eternally grateful for what the petite airborne humanoid possessed with magical powers had given her and promised to repay her in some way or another as she was a strong believer in karma. As she ran down the Palace steps. specially designed not to produce any carbon emissions. Cinderella rushed away to fetch the organic pumpkin. She had no choice but to leave the Prince’s arms and flee. whilst the seventh mouse turned into a coachperson dressed in a smart uniform and carrying a whip. pumpkin and Bella delivered the seven mice which she had rescued from a make‐up testing laboratory. Not that it is always expected for the man to ask the woman to dance ‐ this story would have been just as socially acceptable if Cinderella had asked the Prince to dance first. they must be alive on your return. With a flick of her magic wand the organic pumpkin turned into an exquisite coach. Cinderella would never dream of wearing leather because of its origin.organic. meanwhile Cheryl turned to Bella. she lost one of her delicate slippers. She was sure that the Prince was not a judgemental person and that her financial situation wouldn’t matter to him if they were in love however she wasn’t quite confident enough to reveal her true identity as she had had such an eventful evening. Six of the mice became majestic white horses who of course gave their permission to participate in pulling the eco‐friendly coach. 100% natural. which had been designed and made especially from recycled glass. If not in features. She made her way down the grand staircase which lead into the ballroom. the non human feline companion of Cinderella’s. The other people of female gender watched enviously as Cinderella and the Prince danced hand in hand all night. not that I would ever assume that you would harm another living creature or that violence would even be a part of your nature. Cheryl explained that Cinderella MUST leave the ball by midnight or else the spell would break and the Prince would see her for her true economically exploited self. in perfect condition. Cinderella was having a wonderful time at the ball when all of a sudden she heard the sound of a clock.
Equality is imperative in modern culture. 43 . fully aware and respecting that an independent female such as Cinderella would want to spend time getting to know him before making any radical decisions. She doesn’t even have any possessions of her own!” They yelled. “She didn’t go to the ball!” Exclaimed the facially challenged sisters. The potentially good stepmother was the first to try on the slipper. but of their own accord. Both were furious at their deferred success. Suddenly. She tried desperately to squeeze her foot into the shoe but her feet were simply too vertically enhanced. “Would you do me honour of becoming my partner and if we get along well enough perhaps the future may lead to marriage? Or simply a life partnership if you feel the idea of marriage is outmoded?” He asked. “It couldn’t possibly be her glass slipper. So. “It is you! My princess!” said the Prince happily. “That’s enough!” she exclaimed. Once again Cinderella was wearing the beautiful dress. without warning the petite airborne humanoid who possessed magical powers and was called Cheryl appeared. Cinderella heard a knocking at the front door and was shocked when she opened it to see the Prince and his entourage who were of course paid well for their services and weren’t required to do anything they weren’t totally comfortable with. The next day the Prince and his employees travelled all through the land in their eco‐friendly. solar powered vehicles in search of Cinderella. raising her magic eco‐friendly wand .” The Prince said to Cinderella. just as every other person of female gender in the land has done. Second to try was one of the facially challenged stepsisters. He was determined to find Cinderella as he felt quite certain that he was in love with her and wanted to discuss maturely with her how he felt about a potential future together. “But how could this be!?” snapped the three bitter persons of female gender. The same thing happened to the second sister. I insist that this domestic engineer tries on the slipper. sat down and slipped her foot elegantly into the slipper.” The Prince insisted. she’s just an economically deprived domestic engineer. no. Cinderella took off her worn shoe. She did very well at hiding her emotions as she welcomed him in and called her stepmother and sisters to the living room to try on the slipper at the Prince’s request. “No. The Prince politely asked all the persons of female gender to try on the slipper to see if it was theirs. sewn from natural cottons and biodegradable sequins that she had worn to the ball. “Now it is your turn. He was sure to thank them and apologised for wasting their time if the slipper didn’t fit. Of course it didn’t fit her for her feet were of very large proportions.There was no time for Cinderella to go back for her slipper but luckily the Prince picked it up as he attempted to follow her. It fitted of course since it had been designed especially for her by well paid workers from a foreign land who enjoyed nothing more than making glass slippers. Not of course by force.
One year later after various dinner dates (perhaps it is important to add that both persons contributed financially to the dates equally). The couple got married and lived happily ever after. 44 .
What is a rainbow sheep? Singing about a non‐existent animal is hardly educational. I suppose they are visually impaired! It is difficult to decide whether the matter of being overly politically correct is amusing or disheartening. This is a prime example of political correctness going too far and is quite frankly ridiculous. names and even everyday activities which are considered normal are being adjusted and even banned in the most extreme cases in case they cause offence. Most adults let alone children and toddlers would never 45 . since most of the issues are unlikely to offend even the most sensitive of souls. but instead must teach them “Ba Ba Rainbow Sheep” to ensure that no offence is caused and that everyone is made to feel equal. It will affect our children’s generation and many to come. ‘In case’ being the key words here. Words. A friend of mine who works in a nursery was told that no longer could she teach children the rhyme Ba Ba Black Sheep which has been sung to toddlers for generations without any concerns. Britain is becoming a nanny society where traditions and values that have been practised for hundreds of years are being changed in order to cater to minority cultures. On one hand the examples that have been ‘corrected’ seem absurd and humorous. In keeping with the ‘equal opportunities’ theme the nursery was then told that they must change the ending of ‘Humpty Dumpty’ in case it upset the children and most certainly couldn’t mention that the mice in the song ‘Three Blind Mice’ were blind. disregarding the opinion of most of the British population and often offending more people than they are trying to protect. However on closer inspection the matter is actually rather sad. Candidate 5 Original Writing Task (b) PC BANS CHRISTMAS! 12TH October 2008 Independent reporter Grace Busby delves into the controversial issues surrounding the political correct reign over the British culture. And all in the name of political correctness.
It is as if people are being told they should be offended. merely shelters our children from real life and convinces them that there is nothing bad in the big wide world. Isn’t this more damaging in the long term? The madness doesn’t end here. sexist or ageist behaviour as do I get angry if I see any form of bullying or torment. By changing the ending in Humpty dumpty which is hardly brutal.even have thought of the word black in Ba Ba Black Sheep as having any relation to race. It no longer protects or prevents people being hurt or isolated by other peoples attitudes but instead highlights peoples differences. but political correctness has literally gone mad. recently banned Christmas lights being put up in public as well as any traditional nativity decorations that reflect Christianity. In most cases it is not the minority groups that raise the issue of political correctness but politicians trying to exploit situations. What are parents supposed to tell their children when they ask why people aren’t celebrating Christmas this year? “Santa’s not coming to our village this year?” or “ you were on Father Christmas’s naughty list”? 46 . in order to avoid any religious minority getting offended. If things were bothering people enough then it is more than likely that they would raise the issue themselves. Would it not have been more profitable to put the money directly into the police forces to aid them with their services? I unreservedly disagree with any racist. The government spent millions on this scheme and it took up weeks of police time. Once again people are being told what to say to prevent any over‐sensitive people being upset. A local council in mid‐Wales. to train them how to use terms which are considered politically correct. This would be better for everyone as it would mean the problem would be directly addressed rather than large groups of people trying to second guess what others want and getting an inaccurate depiction and result. Often the words that are used to replace such phrases are more “offensive” than the originals. A home office minister was recently criticised by the police for using the term “nitty gritty” claiming that some my find it offensive as it dates back to the slave trade. What ever happened to freedom of speech? Tax payers money was used to pay for courses for police officers to attend in late 2006.
47 . we cant put fairy lights in our window this year in case the Muslim. I don’t doubt that the council who enforced the ban on Christmas lights had every good intention but they will cause more damage and offence by making the change.” As a child they may blame other religions for the fact that they are not able to see Santa in the local supermarket grotto.What would your children think if you told them: “Sorry son. More religious feuds are the last thing this war ridden world needs. Political correctness is killing cultures. Indian or Jewish families feel left out. This ban runs the risk of causing tension among religions. Why does everyone need to be the same? What happened to individuality? Whilst I still have the freedom of speech I’ll say: lets put an end to this madness and focus on bigger global crisis’.
Although this story is aimed at adults I felt that the sentence was a traditional. I have used the bold headline “PC bans Christmas” to draw attention to the text as it is shocking and unusual. It also visually mirrors the idea of political correctness in that it involves so much information and is repetitive. In contrast to this. Although this is not a typical feature of a fairy story. It is targeted at adults with a cynical sense of humour. formulaic opening of a fairy story and that by keeping with the traditional theme it allowed the reader to establish the idea that the story was one of humour almost immediately. Since an article would most commonly be found in a newspaper or magazine it is laid out in two columns. Another typical convention of an article is an introductory paragraph. it allowed me to expand on many points whilst exaggerating the politically correct point.” These short sentences allow me to make firm.Candidate 5 Task (c) Commentary The first piece of coursework I wrote was the politically correct fairy story. It also engages both adults and children because children will take an interest in most things to do with Christmas. Throughout the story the paragraphs are mainly short as this was also a notable characteristic in all of the fairy stories I looked at when researching. This piece is also aimed at a fairly educated. the sentence types in the article are varied. Most of the sentence types throughout the fairy story are complex. I used many examples and anecdotes within the article to allow the reader to relate to some situations such as the nursery rhymes and also see the extent of the political correct 48 . This subtly persuades the reader that the politically correct ideas are ridiculous as well as appealing to the readers sense of humour. As well as being entertaining the story is also subtly persuasive in that it highlights the ridiculousness of being overly politically correct and persuades the audience that political correctness is absurd. This was also an important part of persuading the reader as well as appealing to an educated audience as they rely on evidence as well as opinion.” I chose to begin my story in this way because it is typical of a children’s fairytale. The opening of my fairy story begins “once upon a time. This allows the reader to engage immediately with the text as they have established what the title of the article is in reference to. I felt that this would add to the humour as although the structure echoes a fairy story. declarative statements which are vital to persuade the reader that I am right. I have applied this convention to my own article to allow the reader to recognise what they are reading. There are uses of simple declarative sentences such as “and all in the name of political correctness. the content is very much contrasted. by combining theses simple sentences with both compound and complex ones I was able to build up a stronger argument and back up my points with evidence and examples. I used a number of persuasive techniques to encourage the reader to agree with my argument that political correctness has gone too far. By incorporating this element into my own work it allowed me to introduce myself as the writer as well as the subject I was dealing with. It is also reflective of a fairly educated audience as it makes the article appear more structured and formal. However. adult audience as it encourages debate. The layout of each text is different. the article was a more formal and informative text aiming to create debate. Its main purpose was to satirise political correctness in an entertaining manner. In comparison to this.
in this case it also built on my already established argument that political correctness has gone too far. “extreme cases. The audience is being entertained as well as being persuaded to see that political correctness is madness. In the case of my story.craze. I felt that by including these stories it added a slight humour to the article and engaged the reader further. it allowed me to mock this idea because political correctness disagrees with stereotypes and supports equality. In the article I used it in context of the word blind: “I suppose they are visually impaired!” This makes the tone sarcastic and provides humour. On the other hand. The affect is similar in the fairy story: “Never would she dream of stripping a tree of its carcass!” The use of the exclamation mark here. This gives me the advantage to persuade them to agree with my opinion as the reader is being directly addressed. highlights the absurdity of the sentence and suggests shock at the idea. meaning it was written in the third person narrative. The use of personal pronouns such as “your” combined with the first person narrative stance as featured in the article. It allows me to make persuasive and declarative statements in the form of a narrative. This allowed me more freedom to emphasise and ridicule the idea of being politically correct. adding to the satirical tone. In keeping with the generic conventions of a fairy story I used non standardised capitalisation: “MUST” to emphasise the importance that Cinderella leaves at midnight. By using a satirical and slightly sarcastic tone throughout the tale I was able to engage the reader and encourage them to humour political correctness. this convention 49 . I chose to use the indefinite article “an unhappy person” when introducing Cinderella in the story. this use of grammar dramatically emphasises the point being made and encourages an emotion. However. Similarly I used hyperboles in my article. The fairy story however is written from the third person perspective which gives it an omniscient tone. for similar effect. The emotive language allows them to feel empathy towards various examples in the article such as the parents of the children at nursery.” in reference to various events and words being deemed un‐politically correct. In addition I used exaggerated language such as “majestic” to emphasise and exaggerate ideas. The exaggeration of this point helped me to convince the reader that the idea is absurd. Typically. Using indefinite articles is also a common lexical technique in a fairy story as it allows the writer to be more stereotypical. creates a more personal view allowing the reader to relate and empathise with the situation. also adding to the humorous tone. In both texts there are examples of exclamatives. the fairy story was fictional as it was a narrative. By using rhetorical questions such as: “What happened to individuality?” The reader is forced to think about the question at hand and since there is no direct or obvious answer they agree with my argument.
In the fairy story. reinforcing a sarcastic tone. Throughout both texts I used fairly colloquial language as this was a convention that I noticed whilst undertaking research of both articles and fairy stories. For example. In reference to Christmas lights being banned. In contrast to this. Here it encouraged the reader to feel empathy toward the parent. Both texts include frequent references to time.” This reflects the traditional child audience and allows me to subvert the idea and turn it into humour. the colloquial language is more prominent in my fairy story with simple phrases such as. putting themselves in that families position and feeling uncomfortable about the situation. By using rational means of weighing up the argument for example.” this convinced the reader that I was being logical in my thinking and so when I furthered my argument against political correctness they would be more inclined to agree with me.. By personifying the sentence with the word “And” draws attention to it and this achieves maximum effect. adult audience as it is more factual. “ sparkly new dress” as well as many active verbs which were also common such as “waved. “a burst of light. Where as in the article I included a short piece of dialogue between a child and their parent. for example. There is also use of dialogue in both pieces of text. I tried to look at both sides of the argument. however both have different effects. In the article words such as “recently” and “in 2006” back up my argument with evidence and create the impression that research has been undertaken.would have been used in order to appeal to a young audience however. This persuaded them to agree with my opinion. it was vital that I followed the generic structure. “one day” and “the next day. For a similar effect I underlined a statement in the article. here its adds to the humour and satirises the situation at hand. However. “‐since equality is vital in any society‐” the use of this clause makes it seem like the statement is stating the obvious. The use of this subtle humour is reflective of a fairly educated reader as they would need to be able to spot this to understand the purpose behind the text.” this immediately establishes to the reader that I blame these incidents on political correctness. 50 . In keeping with this aim I used pre‐modification throughout the fairy story.. This appeals to the educated.” I felt it was important to include this type of everyday language as traditionally the story was aimed at children and in order to convey the ridiculousness of the idea of political correctness effectively.” This allowed me to put a comical twist on many elements of the story to echo the extremities of political correctness. there are many adverbial phrases about time in the fairy story as it is a common convention. “on one hand. I also incorporated a parenthetical clause. “And all in the name of political correctness. it enabled the narrative to progress which is key in any piece of fiction. In order to convey that I was not writing from a completely biased perspective in the article. The boldness of the statement leaves no room for questions and forces the reader to acknowledge it.
when combined they both compliment each other as they both persuade the audience to agree with my opinion towards political correctness. it leaves a strong lasting impression against political correctness and promotes change as it concludes with an action. With these ideas in mind. Although the ending of the fairy story is a positive one. declarative ending in the article paired with the personal plural “lets” . 51 . Both pieces entertain the reader in a different way. the reader is left humouring the idea of political correctness. By using an abrupt. The fairy story uses satirical humour to mock the situation whilst the article uses evidence and declarative statements to argue an opinion. Overall I believe both texts use various techniques to provide persuasion and provoke debate as to whether political correctness has gone too far. I believe that both pieces have been effective in persuading and informing people of the madness of being overly politically correct.Although the effects are both very different.
but at 871 words this piece feels a little thin. There is a detailed understanding of how language choices affect the meaning conveyed in each text (AO2).Principal Moderator’s Comments on Candidate 5 Original Writing Task (a) Politically Correct Fairy Tale: Cinderella The connection between the original writing tasks is political correctness and the candidate creates a humorous piece of writing by exploiting both the language of political correctness and the fairy tale genre. The writing is generally well-controlled. overall this is an engaging and humorous piece of writing. The candidate has made some effective comparisons and contrasts between the two creative pieces and ensures that the focus of the commentary throughout is on the presentation of political correctness which gives it an analytical focus (AO3). Some apostrophe misuse weakens the quality of the written expression Suggested mark: 12/20 Band 3 Task (c) Commentary The commentary is well-structured and fluently written. The evidence provided of political correctness having ‘gone mad’ is at time rather anecdotal and would benefit from a less subjective response at times. Some of the politically correct amendments work better than others and the piece does feel a little repetitive at times. The title is an interesting pun and appropriate layout features have been employed. with some evidence of carefully crafted language. There is some evidence of rhetorical devices being employed to engage the reader. Suggested mark: 15/20 Band 3 Original Writing Task (b) Article: PC Bans Christmas The article on the topic of political correctness provokes some interesting debate on this rather well-worn issue. using a very wide range of technical terms (AO1). The introduction clearly outlines the rationale behind the folder and explores issues relating to audience and purpose. Suggested mark: 30/40 Band 3 Total folder: 57/80 52 . However.
Limited attempt to apply knowledge and understanding from integrated study to own writing. Style demonstrates some flair and is accurately pitched for audience. less successfully towards bottom of band. purpose and genre. Beginning to apply knowledge and understanding from integrated study to own writing. particularly appropriate towards the top of band. Style and tone are appropriate for audience. less limited towards the the top of the band. 1 0-5 2 6-10 3 11-15 4 16-20 53 . Evidence of individuality most marked at top of band. Limited attempt to vary register in response to audience and purpose.AS ENGLISH LANGUAGE & LITERATURE: LL2 Assessment Grid for Original Writing Tasks (a) and (b) AO4 Band Marks Demonstrate expertise and creativity in using language appropriately for a variety of purposes and audiences. increasingly successful towards top of band. purpose and genre. Clear sense of engagement with writing tasks. Register is more clearly suited to audience and purpose. drawing on insights from linguistic and literary studies. Appropriate and increasingly purposeful use of some linguistic and literary features. purpose and genre. Some variation in register in response to audience. Stylistic choices show a detailed knowledge of linguistic and literary features and their impact.
Accurate and sensitive use of terminology. Confident awareness and discussion of relationships between texts. with increasingly detailed appreciation of writers’/speakers’ techniques. Straightforward vocabulary and sentence structure. Sound analysis and increasingly confident evaluation of writers’/speakers’ techniques. increasingly confident appreciation of contextual factors and their significance. AO3 Use integrated approaches to explore relationships between texts. Clear and sustained focus on HOW language is used to create different impacts. making specific and productive connections. 31-40 4 Thorough knowledge. Sensible and clear discussion of some key similarities and differences between texts. Band Marks 0-10 1 11-20 2 Some basic evidence of integrated study. Weighting: 20 marks Describes wider context(s) in which texts are produced. purpose and audience. but sketchy or descriptive at the bottom of the band. form and language shape meanings in a range of spoken and written texts. analysing and evaluating the significance of contextual factors in their production and reception. tending to be descriptive towards bottom of band. with appropriate textual support. including some convincing phrase and straightforward sentence level analysis. particularly towards bottom of band. Limited evidence of understanding relationships between texts. Engages with basic meaning of texts on a straightforward level. more focused towards top of band. Relevant and purposeful application of some relevant key concepts and approaches. Basic terminology often misunderstood and misapplied. Clear grasp of meaning. Clear evidence of integrated approaches. particularly towards top of band. Attempts to use integrated approaches. coherent written expression. 21-30 3 More sustained focus on language use to create meaning. structure and language affect readers. Some use of key terminology. Minimal application of concepts and approaches. Sound use of appropriate terminology. though stronger towards the top of the band. Weighting: 10 marks Limited awareness of how some of the most obvious choices in form. Perceptive awareness of how choices of form. Analysis mainly at word level. most appropriate towards top of band. most apparent at top of band. but with lapses. Confident application of concepts and approaches. using appropriate terminology and accurate. Clear evidence of integrated study. coherent expression. Weighting: 10 marks Limited evidence of integrated study. Limited sense of genre. and poor structure to response. particularly towards the bottom of the band. structure and vocabulary create basic meaning in texts. Generally accurate expression. Wellorganised material. AO2 Demonstrate detailed critical understanding in analysing the ways in which structure. Written expression confident and fluent. Written expression often has lapses in accuracy and clarity. Reasonable observations of some key contextual factors. and sensibly organised. Developing and increasingly convincing overview. Selection and discussion of some of the more obvious and relevant points of comparison and contrast.AS ENGLISH LANGUAGE & LITERATURE: LL2 Assessment Grid for Commentary Task (c) AO1 Select and apply relevant concepts and approaches from integrated linguistic and literary study. Generally accurate. Sound. Beginning to apply key concepts and approaches. more successfully towards top of band. 54 . Attempts to organise response. understanding and insights gained from integrated study. Developing eye for detail. Some awareness of some key language features. more marked towards top of band.