FADE IN: INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT Smolder sits on the edge of the desk, Scullery sits

at the desk, Alan sits on top of the desk, and Steve stands in the doorway. SMOLDER You want us to prove that God's not real? STEVE No. I want you to prove that this guy I met isn't God. SCULLERY So you want us to prove that this guy you met is a liar? STEVE Basically. ALAN Do we look like Theologians to you?! STEVE I don't know... what do Theologians look like? SMOLDER They look like the type of person who'd lurk around a gas station and dress in clothes that don't belong to them. SCULLERY What the heck are you talking about Smolder? SMOLDER I have no idea! STEVE Are you going to help me or not?

ALAN We'll take the case. EXT - CHURCH - DAY Scullery and Smolder are standing in the middle of the church. Scullery is holding Alan. Sezbak walks toward them. SCULLERY What are we doing here Smolder? SMOLDER We're gonna ask Pastor Sezbak about God. SEZBAK Oh, I'm not a pastor. SMOLDER Father Sezbak then... SEZBAK I don't have children. SMOLDER If you're not a Father or a Pastor then what are you? SEZBAK I just like to think of myself as a dude who hangs out in a large building. SCULLERY We'd like to ask you some questions about God. They all sit down on the nearest pew. SEZBAK Well first I need to know which god you're referring to and then I need to know if you're FBI agents.

SCULLERY We're referring to the one true God-SMOLDER And we use to be FBI agents... SEZBAK But you're not anymore right? SMOLDER Right. SEZBAK That's good cause if the government ever found out about what Unitarianism is really all about we'd be screwed. ALAN What's the latest thing you guys believe in? SEZBAK We believe that everyone has an invisible wallet and we're trying to learn how to pickpocket that wallet from unbelievers with our brains. ALAN That sounds lovely. SMOLDER What can you tells us about God? SEZBAK Nothing really. SMOLDER Are you sure? SEZBAK I might have some pamphlets that actual christians dropped off in a vain attempt to evangelize us.

ALAN We'll take 'em. CUT TO: EXT - APARTMENT COMPLEX TABLE AREA - DAY Smolder and Scullery sit at an umbrella covered table looking at pamphlets. Alan sits on the table. SCULLERY These pamphlets are sort of helpful... SMOLDER I was clearly misinformed about Christianity. GOD walks by the table. He's dressed in a long white night shirt and a fake white bushy beard. He's also bald. ALAN There he goes! Smolder and Scullery drop the pamphlets. ALAN What's the game plan? SCULLERY I think we should be subtle and trick him into saying something that proves he's not God. SMOLDER Good plan Scullery. Smolder and Scullery stand up and casually stride up to God. Scullery is holding Alan. SMOLDER So we hear you think you’re God. Scullery smacks her forehead with her right palm. GOD

That’s interesting because I heard I am God. SCULLERY And you believe that? GOD God doesn’t base his belief that he’s God in anything other than himself so yes, I do believe that. SCULLERY That doesn't seem logical. GOD What if I asked you why you believe you’re a human? SMOLDER Touche. CUT TO: INT - BACK ROOM - DAY Smolder, God, and Scullery are sitting on a couch playing a video game. Alan is sitting on Scullery's lap. ALAN Well If you’re God then show us a sign. Make a roller coaster so dangerous that even you would die if something went horribly wrong. GOD That's an impossible miracle for an omnibenevolent being to perform because all roller coasters are extremely dangerous. SMOLDER Then levitate or--Smolder puts down his controller and holds up a kumquat.

SMOLDER --turn this kumquat into a vegetable. GOD Why would God have to prove he’s God. I want you to have faith in me. Smolder puts the kumquat down and picks up his controller again. SCULLERY So if you give us proof then we can’t have faith. GOD Yes, because faith is believing despite evidence to the contrary. CUT TO: INT - BATHROOM - DAY Smolder is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, God is sitting on the toilet cutting his toe nails, and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the counter. SMOLDER So then why don’t you give us evidence that you’re not God. Because that sounds more like something God might do then? ALAN Like maybe plant fake Dinosaur bones all over the world so that we think evolution is true when really they’re just leftovers from some cosmic dinner. GOD Well God isn’t the one who supplies the contrary evidence. That would be silly. It’s those evil scientists that are deceiving you all. You need to disbelieve the science without reason, because it proves that I don’t exist.

SMOLDER Wait... what? CUT TO: INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT God, Smolder, Scullery, and Alan are all sitting in a circle in the dark. SMOLDER Let’s change the subject. What about the problem of evil? GOD Umm, I’m not sure there is a problem with evil. God winks at Scullery and she feigns death. SMOLDER Really? Cause a dead hamster I had in 3rd grade thinks there’s a problem with death. And death seems pretty evil. GOD Death is a natural part of life. SCULLERY If you’re God then you can do whatever you want, so why did you make death a part of life? GOD Because I’m God. I do what I want. ALAN Then maybe you’re not good cause death is terrible. GOD Do you know what good is, or what a good God would even be like?

SMOLDER That seems like a pretty complicated question, but I do think that any God who isn’t good isn’t the greatest possible being imaginable and is therefore a poor candidate for the genuine God. God winks at Alan and Alan flips upside down. SMOLDER (causally) You're clearly the murder. GOD So you’re saying that if I’m not good then I’m not God? SMOLDER Sure. GOD Why can’t God be who he wants to be? SMOLDER What if I wanted to be God? GOD I wouldn’t stand in your way. How do you think I became God? ALAN (muffled) Ha! We got you! GOD Oh please! CUT TO: INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT Smolder sits at the desk and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the couch. Smolder is on the phone.

SMOLDER We secretly recorded him saying it. (pauses) Yeah. (pauses) Steve, I wanna ask you something. Why was this so important to you? (pauses) Boredom isn't a good reason! Stop wasting our time! (pauses) Well, at least my mother isn't in prison! Smolder hangs up the phone. SMOLDER I'm starting to not like Steve. SCULLERY I never liked him in the first place. The phone RINGS. Smolder answers the phone. SMOLDER Hello... INT - JEFF'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Jeff is huddled up on his bed with the phone. JEFF Drake came back from the dead... FADE OUT: THE END