You are on page 1of 7
Profile of a Psychopath. txt Profile of a Psychopath This is not a clinical diagnosis, a informational breakdown or a case study as such. ‘This is a way for me to get out on virtual paper exactly what I think T am so t can evaluate it and understand it best I go by so many names so I will leave tags out of it. I am simply me. I am different from post people. I suppose I've always been different for as long as I can renenber but didn't teuly understand the true depths of it until recently. Not until an inadvertent intervention by a family member woke me up to the truth. The truth that I ama psychopath. Now x don't fit absolutely every listed symptom of the OSM-IV classification of the sondition but I do have far more similarities than differences. To save time, I will ist the symptons not have. con.or.prey.on-my family members and. friends.,1 am nok a leech that chares then out of their money and then’ never pays it back. tm actually quite faved geet bebe Lou high’ Fusectoning and have’ridnaged to develop and produce a feature film'that wil? al ow me fo, stand ‘on my own very comfortably in this regard. I never hurt animals as a child elther. I never saw the point just like I never saw the point to smoking, doing drugs or getting sucked into any other.vices. i Now on to the detailed description of how 1 do match the profile, Gor example x am a pathological liar. i've habitually lied my entire life and despite my incredibly well adjusted and healthy family life and upbringing, it never stopped. I always apologized but never meant it and never corrected the behavior. I lie to my wife and 29 my fami ly on a practically constant basis. Sometimes I do this to protect them, to shield them from knowing the truth about what I really am and sometimes I do it for my oxn gratification and there's no reason to it all. For example I tricked a mortgage broker and their lender into giving me a mortgage 1 never could have gotten otherwise. Like many psychopaths, I have trouble holding fown a jol because I get bored very easily, waste company time and resources and will often quit or get fired within 4 months of being hired. In my own personal case 1 do this ecause T P consider working for anyone other than myself an unbearable servitude, 1 know what I truly. love to do and won't allow anything, even the need for a reliabie steady paycheck, distract ° me from my goal. This happened with ADT. I was working for them as a residential resale rep and quit before the training bonus pay gave out, primarily because T truly believed my career as a film producer would pick up the slack before 1 ever felt the Financial Pinch. I did have a project in development that showed tremendous promise and is now in the process Page 1 Profile of a Psychopath. txt of securing its funding but if that had not panned out, I'd be in serious shit right now. I still lie to my wife to this day. every day I get, up and get dressed into business attire, feed her a Tine about my appointments for the day and then Teave the house for the day. T Set up shop, in a coffee shop and work towards producing my fim all day Tong. Then T Cone home, He about how it went and move on with our free tine. However I needed that day job to get a mortgage, I needed to keep it to be approved on the basis of reliability and stability. My wife hated the last place we lived with a passion and couldn't wait td get out of there. she hated the. heat, the’ smell, the layout, the neighborhood, everything and she made it very clear to me that we needed to get a real house and ES that_if we didn't, our living situation would continue to put such a strain an our marriage that Tt might not last, coor nner e $0 I did what I had to do. I used my steadily bul ding “credit rating and ny . Ingenuity to manufacture precisely what thé broker needed to close the deat. T invented a new person, named Jim Mcdougal who I passed off as the HR manager at ADT. I got a prepaid cel] Phone and created a false voicenail as hin. I affected my voice So that it Titerally Sounded Tike an older, more mild mannered man and it fooled everyone. I even talked to the lender directly'as Jim confirming details about my employment that were totally untrue Then I photoshopped bank statements to hide where certain funds came from for the down payment, created a few fake letters of confirmation and presto, mortgage approval . Today I'm paying my bills out of money my investors gave me for producing my movie. Again, good thing it's moving forward or I'd be screwed. on the Tabor day Tong weekend t was planning a trip to the United States in order to purchase props from a dealer in Montana for a short film I wrote and am in the process of LOSI wey tte age producing. I lied to my wife telling her that I was going to shoot a music video for a decal Sadie rock band, I was refused entry at the border for not having an active work permit because I told them the same story but 1 don’t have an active work visa. So 1 drove back to Calgary and got a hotel room for two nights and both nights, called my wife elling her hon she music video was going, could have easily told her the truth and it would have been no harm no foul but r felt like taking it easy so I stayed in calgary ty whole 1ife Z've always just done yhatever the hell X wanted without any consideration for anyone else and it's never bothered me. 1 don't experience things Tike remorse or guilt. Page 2 Profile of a Psychopath, txt . cos Occasionally I mentally kick myself for making an idiot move or decision but it’s not the same thing. Even though my wife is by far the greatest woman I have ever known, and excellent mother to our child, and the greatest partner anyone could ask for, I still cheat but only for the thrill of it, not because I feel neglected or entitled. 1 cruise dating sites on a regular basis. One time she caught me red handed, logged into a website specifically devoted to cheating spouses 1 immediately launched an intricate web of lies right on the spot without hesitation about how I was contracted free lance to write an article about online dating and that 1 was merely doing research for it. I told her that I sold myself to the project coordinator based on being original enough to suggest signing up on the sites in an under cover fashion to get First hand material. she was highly suspicious at first, after al] sy wonan is fot a moron. She's a fiercely intelligent being and it took'a lot to convince her of my Vie. r actually had to, generace, an entire enail account for a phil Porter, who } invented to be the managing editor..of an easily researchable online publishing company and then Sent myself Bo 3 : grails from this duimy account, as this person: 7 even convinced an actor to play. a Porter in a Tive speakerphone conversation with her present, with him thinking e was ce auditioning for a role, Then I bought another prepaid cell phone and had him setup voicemail on it as Phil Porter so that if she checked on me it would cement my story. Naturally this shook her trust in me so physical affection is at a minimum at this point. I gave my wife the passwords to my two main email accounts that she knows about. I use two others on a regular basis she has no idea exist to perpetuate my side ‘interests. while I was in Calgary I even had an escort courtesan visit me in my hotel room, not because T couldn't control my urges, but because I just didn't feel like 1 needed to. “what she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought. After the experience I felt no guilt, no remorse and given the opportunity, I would most likely do it again. When I came home 1 picked up like nothing had happened and proceeded with business as usual. I stil] feel nothing. My wife and I are currently going once a week to couples counseling which is basically a huge waste of time because the therapist puts al] this emphasis on ‘opening up, sharing feelings with one another, empathizing and for me this is a useless exercise in futility that is blowing $85 a session. 1 feel like T have to fake it the whole time. constantly my wife and the therapist ask me questions I give lip service answers to, giving them exactly what they want Page 3 Profile of a Psychopath. txt to hear so that they think progress is being made. But how do you make progress in changing behaviors that are innate? How do you change anything you do through exploring feelings when you have none? I had a conversation with my wife one night where we fully explored my lack of empathy. she asked me a variety of probing questions and every answer I gave her, although truthful this time, were deeply disappointing to her. No after no when she was looking for yes after yes. My wife only has a very small picture of what goes through my head. she stil] thinks Vhave rennants of compassion or honesty when one of these things remain. T put on a show for her benefit, to keep her. stressed our. that it. destroys her health, As of today she js blissfully unaware and any time T tenpt fate to go near opening up even a slight 1 pit moté; 1 see this avalanche poised and ready to annihflate our way of life if T Get too honest with her- Quite frankly, if she knew anything I've written here, we'd be divorced before you Could sneeze. ‘Maybe that's inevitable, but I'm not ready for the end yer and 1 know she’s not abie to handle something like that. For as long as I, can renenber 1 have always had a distinct lack of enpathy. r've always had a dark side I've had to sugar coat for the world. I've always had to pretend to be more social than I want to be and it’s worked out well for me. Despite the disorder, I'm Still a somewhat upbeat outgoing person. Until lately I used to think my laid back approach and total lack of fear of the unknown future was due to my disposition and outlook on Tife. This may still be partially true but I cannot deny a major part of it is also the fact I just don’t feel what others feel. I'm not quite sure r'm capable of love. I do feel like I love my daughter. I think she's absolutely awesome. I don’t feel about my child the way other people describe their feelings about their children in such an extreme life altering fashion. But as much love as 1 am capable of, she receives. an unusually and abnormally good, well behaved, Contented, conmunicative happy baby. on my journey of discovering my disorder I've explored the killer instinct. after iL ome, does not research this topic without coming across the violent aspects. ‘ave often Page 4 Profile of a Psychopath. txt fantasized about killing people who have wronged me or threatened to hurt me or my family in the future but that’s where it ends. Actually carrying out such an act doesn't make sense to me. I don’t feel that taking someone elses life is worth the loss of my freedom, or the amount of time, energy and expense one has to put out in order to conduct such acts. Tt has absolutely nothing to do with the respect for human life or the empathy for a would be victims family. My reservation centers entirely around the fact it's an experience like smoking ‘or doing drugs that 1 simply have never carried an interest in, A hobby that detracts from the rest of my life, $0, incorporate my dark side into my work. Taking inspiration from existing works Vike the Showtime series Dexter, and incorporating the seedy underbelly of my own experiences, I direct my dark energies into my film work, writing producing.and directing a short guspense thriTier that not only. satisfies my fantasies in a'splid form, byt does it Jawfully an " + : * without harming anyone. The other major upside to this outlet of course is exposure and profit. as a producer r can profit from the sale and distribution of my work, but as @ serial iller, 1 would get nothing more than a quick rush’ of adrenaline and a prison sentence to follow. However to open a can of worms, I would have absolutely no feelings if a disturbed ‘individual saw my work, got, inspired by it in an unhealthy way and carried out the real life version of what I’ve released. I wouldn't feel remorseful for making the project, or the effect it had, rather might feel flattered, a little honored. I've always held some contempt for the human race in general and don't concern myself with any of todays miseries that threaten any of them. Cancers, famine, disease, I see them as Population control. our species is stripping this planet of its resources and we deserve what we get in my opinion.* ’ on a more personal level, anyone who takes out the trash in such a way as the depiction of Dexter or the killer in my film would do is fine by me. Vigilante or not, the thought that . there could be random citizens eliminating the dredge of society by hacking up pedophiles, rapists, killers of the innocent and other vermin is a warm comforting ‘thought and we should be so lucky to have anyone like that in the real world, let alone working for the police with their resources and education. The way I see it, they are doing something more productive and effective than the service slaughterhouses provide. Sure cattle and livestock are grown and slaughtered for the precise Page $ Profile of a Psychopath. txt purpose of feeding our overgrown population, but it's still killing. There is no differentiation between an animal life and a human life. we all feel pain, and some animals that we kil] indiscriminately are fairly intelligent, but none of them carry i1] will or malicious intent. So we hack up a pig or a deer without a second thought to put them on our kitchen table but if someone does the same to a malicious, malevolent human being who means f0,do serious harm to others and has done already, then they are imprisoned for Tife. Tt seems like arbitrary human defined justice that conveniently ignores certain laws of nature. when it comes to how I view people in general though, that view is completely — different. I have very little tolerance or patience for children that aren't mine, especially when they act their ages. But when one of them shows some sort of insight or maturity beyond their years, I become highly impressed and tickled. 2 I. also think women are genera highly underyalued and under respected in our - - focietys hey" are typically amazinady Imcuresve, saeeT tigeme and Eicd' ees Soure bu taken for granted ~ 7 “ and generally brought up to accept a lower level of importance than men. There are many exceptions of course but generally T appreciate then on a level that I don't think a lot o “ people stop to think about or consider very often. Overall today I live my life much the same way as I always have, pursuing what T want at any Cost and without putting anyone before myself in these considerations Life is far too short to not partake of every single experience you can before you kick the bucket ang T want to experience it all. We only get one shot and that's why I've lived my ‘fe with a Policy of total lack of inhibition, 1 pursue my film career with full force and reckless abandon because disappearing into some shit job for the rest of my life is not even preferable to suicide. Zogonst want to miss out on anything, not any one human, experience Teft to try before I get snuffed out forever and this tends to be the driving force behind how I engineer my life. It is what it is I suppose. Understanding the true depths of how I operate is important to me to determine how I want the rest of my Tife to pan out. At this moment there is a Tot of conflict around the jubject. If my family and friends ever knew the real me, it would damage many of them, ‘some irreparably. I think I would rather continue faking it for their own benefit than watch Page 6 Profile of a Psychopath. txt several peoples worlds, including my own unravel completely. I know they'll survive, but sometimes happiness is more important than mere survival. ‘The dilemma 1 face today is pretty straight forward because I really only have two options. Option A) Come clean on all points and prepare for inevitable divorce and in the process damage every relationship 1 have with all members of my wifes family. Move out and as liberal as my visitation would be, still leave my daughter without a full time dad. Option @) suck it up and live out the charade for the rest of my life, sitting on my secrets eternally, which I oddly enough have no doubt 1 could do. Keep ay wife in issfu ignorance of my emotional state and pretend that everything is getting better, every time she asks me if I'm being honest, tell her yes regardless of the truth and slowly repair her trust in me, making sure to prevent any slip ups in the future. Page 7