Profile of a Psychopath This is not a clinical diagnosis. a informational breakdown or a case study as such.

This is a way for me to get out on virtual paper exactly what I think I am so I can evaluate it

profile of a psychopath. txt

and understand it best,

I go by so many names so I will leave tags out of it. I am simply me, I am different from most people. I suppose l've always been different for as long as I can remember but didn't

truly understand the true depths of it until recently. Not until an inadvertent intervention by a family member woke me up to the truth. The truth that I am a psychopath,

NOW I don't fit absolutely every listed symptom of the OSM-IV classification of the condition but I do have far more similarities than differences. To save time, r will list the

symptoms Ldo .not h,we, .. ,I,: do .not, con_Q.r.",p.~y, fam.ily:,membersan,Lfrie,nds~ ,lam not a 1 eech that char"'s them out of ltl'l~i r IOOl1ey aqq ~he~ n~v~r, pays it pack. + t m

~(';tU.~11yqUit~., .: , .. '~'~.,.')"";"1) ,' .: ' '. 'l"""~JY .. 'i\".',,'" • """'.'"

~1 ~~~'1~ o~~~gd a~~· ~N~~~~l!~ ~~m~ 1~ t~~t~~~d~~~a~i~~~~:~e~t; ~~~~~:~;:l n as

a ch,lq either,,;i , .' "'·,;1 " ' . ,

! never saw the point just: like I never saw the point to smoking. doing drugs or

gett; og sucked into any otherv,it;es..j;,,' ,

NOW on to the detailed description of how I do match the profile.

For example I am a pathological liar. Itve habitually lied my entire life and despite my incredibly well adjusted and healthy family life and upbringing, it never stopped. I always

apologized but never meant it and never corrected the behavior. I lie to my wife and to my family on a practically constant basis. sometimes I do this to protect them, to shield them

from knowing the truth about what I really am and sometimes I do it for my own gratification and there's no reason to it all.

For example I tricked a mortga~e broker and their lender into 91V109 me a mortgage 1 never could have gotten otherwlse. Like many psychopaths, I have trouble holding down a job

because I get bored very easily, waste company time and resources and will often quit or get fired within 4 months of being hired. In my own personal case I do this because I

consider working for anyone other than myself an unbearable servitude. I know ,what I ~~~~h~~k:e df~~~~c~n~ won I t a 11?~a~ythi nq , even the need fora ,r;el i ab Ias'teady "

me from my goal. This happened with ADT. I was working for them as a residential resale rep and quit before the training bonus pay gave out, primarily because I truly believed my

career as a film producer would pick up the slack before I ever fe1t the financial pinch. I did have a project in development that showed tremendous promise and is now in the process

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of securing its funding but if that had not panned outj r'd be in serious shit right now.

I still lie to my wife to this day. Every day I get up and get dressed into business attire, feed her a line about my appointments for the day and then leave the house for the day. !

set up shop in a coffee shop and work towards producing my film all day long. Then I come home, lie about how it went and move on with our free time.

However I needed that day job to get a mortgage, I needed to keep it to be approved on the basis of reliability and stability. My wife hated the last place we lived with a passion

and couldn't wait tei get out of there. she hated the.heatt the' smell. the layout, ih~e~iiijg~~~h~~~. everything and $h~ ,ma~e_?:~_~?_:~l_~~r. to me that we needed _t~ get

that if we didn't. our living situation would continue to put such a strain on our

marr1~Q~ ~~at' it might· npt -l~s~~ If'o'~ Vi' ,r ,"" ' ,

", -'4 -'_ • ',:"~'-:."-. -, . ,,-,t, "-i _,_.,.,:_.J,,,,,,, __ \:,,_,~.\': / -(:f"'-("""",[ 1: '.. ;;'. if. ._.4 .;..-- ....... ) , • ,.._<: ~7<(.:c._J.t

SO I did what I had to do, '1 used mY$teadiJy building credit rating and my 5ngenuity to manufacture prec; sely what tfHf'pn)ker needed to close the deal. I

invented a new person I . ," '.' '. , •

named Jim Mcdougal who I passed off as the HR manager at AOT. I got a p repa i d ce 11 phone and created a false voicemail as him. I affected my voice so that it literally sounded like

an older. more mild mannered man and 'it fooled everyone. I even talked to the lender directly as Jim confirming details about my employment that were totally untrue.

Then I photos hopped bank statements to hide where certain funds came from for the down payment. created a few fake letters of confirmation and presto. mortgage approval.

Today I'm paying my bills out of money my investors gave me for producing my movie. Again. good thing it's moving forward or Itd be screwed.

On the labor day long weekend r was planning a trip to the united States in order to purchase ~rops from a dealer in Montana for a short film I wrote and am in the process of ". " ." .,' ',' ,. .,' "

~r~g~il n~~i~l ig~k tga~f.J~if;.S;1!}~~~~~ni~~fat~~r g~~agr ;~cr~h~gi~a~~~~c a~i ~~~ i W

work perm' t "

because I told them the same story but I don't have an active ~ork visa. So r drove back to calgary and got a hotel room for two nights and both nights, called my wife telling her

how the music video was going. I could have easily told her the truth and it would have been no harm no foul but I felt like taking it easy so I stayed in calgary.

My whole life I've always just done whatever the hell I wanted without any consideration for anyone else and itts never bothered me. I don't experience things like remorse or Quilt.

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Occasionally I mentally kick myself for maklng an idiot move or decision but it's not the same thing.

Even though my wife is by far the greatest woman I have ever knownl and excellent mother to our child, and the greatest partner anyone could ask for, I still cheat but only for the

thrill of it, not because I feel neglected or entitled. I cruise dating sites on a regular basis. One time she caught me red handed. logged into a website specifically devoted to

cheating spouses.

I immediately launched an intricate web of lies right on the spot without hesitation about how I was contracted free lance to write'an article about online dating and that I was

merely doing research for it. I told her that I sold myself to the project coordinator based on being original enough to suggest signing up on the sites in an under cover fashion to

get first hand material. she was highly suspicious at first, after all my woman is not a moron. She's a fiercely intelligent being and it took a lot to convince her of my lie. I

~ctually had 1;0 generitte, an. entire email acco4nt for a ~hil ~ofter w~p 1 invented

.ig~~!$~~t ~~~:,~~g ~~tofu?f 'r;S /~a$ t\~.~;; researchab le tq~l~\n..~., p~b ,I t~h]1)9 <;o~p~~y _~nd'.

j " ,,<' _;" _,. • "'_:':.:_ ~.~ ,><:_ _.<-'':'<--.-4!<'-'" ;_" -., .~,~. _,_ "I,' ',-' t~_, ~ ._, " .~;

'f;lmails from 'this d~mmY accQurrt a~>t~h pers~lt'~'even convtnced an actor to play phil Porter in a live speakerphone'conyersation with her present, with him thinking

he was·' >.' ,.' ""

,. ,

auditioning for a role. Then I bought another prepaid cell phone and had him setup voicemail on it as phil Porter so that if she checked on me it would cement my story.

Naturally this shook her trust in me so physical affection is at a minimum at this point.

I gave my wife the passwords to my two main email accounts that she knows about. I use two others on a regular basis she has no idea exist to perpetuate my side interests.

While I was in calgary I even had an escort courtesan visit me in my hotel room. not because I couldn't control my urges. but because I just didn't feel like I needed to. "What she

doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought. After the experience I felt no guilt, no remorse and given the opportunity, I would most likely do it again.

When I came home I picked up like nothing had happened and proceeded with business as usual. I still feel nothing.

My wife and I are currently going once a week to couples counseling which is basically a huge waste of time because the therapist puts all this emphasis on opening up, sharing

feelings with one another, empathizing and for me this is a useless exercise in futility that is blowing $85 a session.

I feel like I have to fake it the whole time. constantly my wife and the therapist ask me questions r give lip service answers to, giving them exactly what they want

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to hear so that

they think progress is being made.

But how do you make progress ;n changing behaviors that are innate? HOW do you change an¥thin~ you do.through exploring feelings when you have none? I had a conversatlon wlth my wlfe

one night where we fully explored my lack of empathy. she asked me a variety of probing questions and every answer I gave her. although truthful this time, were deeply disappointing

to her. No after no when she was looking for yes after yes.

My wife only has a very small picture of what goes through my head. she still thinks I have remnants of compassion or honesty when none of these things remain. I put on a show for

her benefit.,; to keepher .. froIlLbeing"so,s:tressetLout..:tbat,jt,.destroys .herheal th .. ,As of today ~he is blissfully uncn'lareal'lq !'ITt)'! time + tempt fate to gq near opening up

even a S 11ght . r, j, i : , :,:,. \

~i't" ;~6~iPi';e; ; thi ~\~va 1 anth'~~ po; $ed and ready' t:~ "'ann; h~l ate ,~ur way ;'ofl if a Hr

get too honest Wi thher , ,r" ','

~~~fa~~:~~!(·~!~~~h~h~~?~; i~~~~f~g~1:V~u~~~f~e~o~e~:ad~e~~rbih~i~~~C~~tb~~~ri k~~w

she's not able . ,i."., ..

to handle something like that.

For as long as I can remember I have always had a distinct lack of empathy. 11ve always had a dark side Itve had to sugar coat for the world. l've always had to pretend to be more

social than I want to be and it's worked out well for me. Despite the disorder, I'm still a somewhat upbeat outgoing person. Until lately 1 used to think my laid back approach and

total lack of fear of the unknown future was due to my disposition and outlook on life. This may still be partially true but I cannot deny a major part of it is al$o the fact I jus'!

don't feel what others feel.

r'm not quite sure I'm capable of love. I do feel like I love my daughter. I think she's absolutely awesome. I don't feel about my child the way other people describe their feelings

about their children in such an extreme life altering fashion. But as much love as I am capab 1 e of, she recei ves , AJl ~ul1,u.sua 11 y and abnorma 11 y good, well behaved.

contented, .,

communicative happy baby.

On my journey of discovering my disorder I've explored Lhe killer instinct, After all one does not research this topic without coming across Lhe violent aspects. I have often

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fantasized about killing people who have wronged me or threatened to hurt me or my family in the future but that's where iL ends. Actually carrying out such an act doesn't make sense

to me.

r don't feel that taking someone elses life is worth the loss of my freedom, or the amount of time, energy and expense one has to put out in order to conduct such acts. It has

absolutely nothing to do with the respect for human life or the empathy for a would be victims family. My reservation centers entirely around the fact it's an experience like smoking

or doing drugs that I simply have never carried an interest in. A hobby that detracts from the rest of my life.

so incorporate my dark side into my work. Takin9 inspiration from existing works like the Showtime series Dexter. and incorporat1ng the seedy underbelly of my own experi ences , r

dfr~ft mydar'k enerQi es 'into my -fil~-\Y<irk, ~idting- producing; iingairec\;il1g' i shor~ suseens~thr1ller thaJ; notonly_ ~a.pSfl~~: fIlYfantlf~~~$;n 'el splld form, b4tdo~$ t t

,l-qwrul1yand .. ' ." .. "; '.',,, . ',"",

• t -;," '-,'r' fi~;-; :"j_:"'~/' -"-:~r-'"- I ,.I'~'--t- \ ( ,

without "arming anyone.

The other major upside to this outlet of course is exposure and profit. AS a producer I can profit from the sale a (u:j distribution of my work, but as a serial killer, .1 would get

nothing more than a quick rush' ofcidrenaline and a prison sentence to follow. However to open a can of worms, I would have absolutely no feelings if a disturbed individual saw my

work, got inspired by it in an unhealthy way and carried out the real life version of what I've released.

I wouldn't feel remorseful for making the project, or the effect it had, rather might feel flattered, a little honored.

I've always held some contempt for the human race in general and don't concern myself with any of todays miseries that threaten any of them. cancers, famine, disease, I see them as

population control. Our species is stripping this planet of its resources and we

deserve what we get i n< my opt rrton.s ,< - ,."

~'. 'j '- , :::. •

on a more personal level, anyone who takes out the trash in such a way as the depiction of Dexter or the k11ler in, my film would do is fine by me. vigilante or

not I the thought that .. -f;:~

there could be random citizens eliminating the dredge of society by h~cking up , pedophiles. rapistst killers of the innocent and other vermin is a warm comforting thought and we

should be so lucky to have anyone like that in the real world, let alone working for the police with their resources and education.

The way I see it, they are doing something more productive and effective than the service slau9hterhouses provide. Sure cattle and livestock are grovm and slaughtered for the precr se

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purpose of feeding our overgrown population, but it's still killing. There is no

di fferenti at; on between an ani ma 1 1; fe and a human li fe. we a 11 feel pain. and some animals that we

kill indiscriminately are fairly intelligent, but none of them carry ill will or malicious intent. So we hack up a pig or a deer without a second thought to put them on our kitchen

table but if someone does the same to a malicious, malevolent human being who means to do serious harm to others and has done already. then they are imprisoned for life. It seems

like arbitrary human defined justice that conveniently ignores certain laws of nature.

When it comes to how I view people in\general though, that view is completely different. I have very little tOlerance or patience for children that aren't mine, especially when they

act their ages. But when one of them shows some sort of insight or maturity beyond

thei,r~yearSt I become :highly iJllpressed andtickled~- , .. ::, ~~ -. .~ .

t: ~1 so, t~i.nk ,w9men ah~·genera.llY high,ly HhgerY~]lJ~p' .~ncl.lHlde~ resp~<;tf!d, .. iJ:Jour ' -, ~~k~~~¥ir T~~~n~~~ typ' ca 11 ¥ ~~~~i ~~ 1 Y i ntut ~i\le, ,. fnt~J.1: ~~n:, ,,~~d . ~l ~~ tq ; Jau 1 tbt(t

and generally brought up to accept a lower lev~lofimportance than men. There are many exceptions of course but gener:ally r appreciate them on a level that I don't

think a lot of >".i·· .' .

people stop to think about or consider very often.

overall today I live my life much the same way as I always have, pursuing what I want at any cost and without putting anyone before myself in these consiaerations. Life i s far too

short to not partake of every single experience you can before you kick the bucket at:ld r \yant to exper-t ence ita 11. We only get one shot and that f s why If ve 1i ved my llfe Wl th a

policy of total lack of inhibition. I pursue my film career with full force and reckless abandon because disappearing into some shit job for the rest of my life is not even

preferable to suicide. .1' \'

r don't want to miss out on anyt.~5ng';·'0(~t any 'one human experience left to try before I get snuffed out forevet,ana th1s ten<;ts to be the driving force behind how I

ergineer my life~ .',

Itis what it is I suppose. . .•.

Understanding the true depths of how I operate is important to me to determine how r want the rest of my life to pan out. At this moment there ;s a lot of conflict around the

subject. If my family and friends ever knew the real me, it would damage many of them, some irreparably. I think 1 would rather continue faking it for their own benefit than watch

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several peoples worlds, includin9 my own unravel completely. I know they'll survive, but sometimes happiness is more lmportant than mere survival.

The dilemma I face today is pretty straight forward because I really only have two options.

Option A) Come clean on all points and prepare for inevitable divorce and in the process damage every relationship I have with all members of my wifes family. Move out and as llberal

as my visitation would be. still leave my daughter without a full time dad.

Option B) Suck it up and live out the charade for the rest of my life, sitting on my secrets eternally, which I oddly enough have no doubt I could do, Keep my wife in blissful

i9norance of my emotional state and pretend that everything is getting better. Every tlme she asks me if I'm being tronest , tell her yes regardless of the truth and slowly repair her

trust in me, making sure to prevent any slip ups in the future.

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