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Birds, Bees, Babes

Written By

Shane Savanapridi

shane@spilledinkmedia.com
CHARACTERS

TEACHER Always buttons her shirts to the very


top and is not at all amused by low rise jeans.
DAD Never one to sit still for long. He does
the best he can without having to think too much.
JULIE Like all young girls, she knows more
than we wish she did.

SETTING

Dad and Julie are at home, after


work, after school.

TIME
Today
(Dad is on the phone. Julie plays with her dolls in the
background. The dolls appear to be humping.)
DAD
Hi, Ms. Thursby. Is this about the
pancake breakfast fundraiser?
Because last year that sausage
thing was a misunder ...
TEACHER
(Off stage)
No. Actually it’s about Julie. You
see ... For the past week ... Your
daughter has been using words that
are of a rather ... sensitive
nature.
DAD
She's cursing? I’ve told her a
thousand times ...
TEACHER
No. To put it quite frankly, Mr.
Nelson. She’s been using ... sexual
terms... of the sex variety. Have
you spoken to Julie about the birds
and the bees?
DAD
Huh? Bees? No ... I mean ... she’s,
ah,... so young and ... well I was
hoping maybe her mom would ...
TEACHER
I think it’s high time one of you
sat her down and had the talk.
DAD
The talk. Yes, I see. That talk.
Okay... THE Talk. Yes. Thank you
Ms. Thursby. Goodbye.

(Dad walks reluctantly and sits in a chair facing Julie. She


puts aside her dolls, eager for whatever story her father is
about to tell.)
JULIE
Bedtime Story?
DAD
Uh, Julie. I just talked to your
(MORE)
DAD (CONT'D)
teacher ... and she thought it
might be a good idea... if you and
I had... a talk.
JULIE
What do you want to talk about,
Daddy? Am I in trouble?
DAD
Well, no, you’re not in trouble.
It’s just that... Ms. Thursby heard
you say some things and she thought
...
(checks his watch)
DAD (CONT’D)
Geez, where is your mother... is
there anything you’d like to talk
about?
JULIE
I got a new bracelet! Wanna see?

(Julie starts to go for


the bracelet and Dad
stops her.)
DAD
Show me later. Let's ...

(A beat.)
DAD
Julie do you know ... where babies
come from?
JULIE
'Course! From Mommy’s stomach.
DAD
That’s right. Yes. Exactly. Now
we’re getting somewhere. And, do
you know how a baby gets in mommy’s
stomach?
JULIE
Oh yes! She eats baby food and it
grows into a baby!
Julie pantomimes it for him.
DAD
Uh... No. Actually ... let me tell
you a story.
JULIE
Story Time!
DAD
You see, there’s birds and then
there’s bees.
JULIE
Once upon a time...
DAD
Huh?
JULIE
You have to start with 'Once Upon a
Time'.
DAD
Oh. Yeah. I guess I do. So... Once
upon a time there was a bird and a
bee.

(He looks to Julie to


make sure she’s
following. He pinches his
two hands in what could
be taken for a bird head
and a bee. She smiles.)
DAD (CONT'D)
Okay. Good. So the bee flies from
flower to flower picking up pollen,
(the bee hand rises and
falls through the air)
until it's whole body is covered
with it. It sure loves pollen.
Then, ...

DAD (CONT'D)
um, the bird ... the bird comes
and, ... let’s see, the bird comes
and ... eats the bee like a
sprinkle covered doughnut?

(Dad looks confused.


Julie looks horrified.)
DAD (CONT’D)
(to himself)
That can’t be right. What the hell
is that story anyway?

(A beat.)
DAD (CONT’D)
Okay. Start over. Keep it simple.
Direct. No beating around the bush.
Okay. A man has a ... a penis.
JULIE
What's a penis?

(Dad pokes out his


pointer finger in
demonstration creating a
PENIS PUPPET.)
DAD
Just hear me out. Okay. And a woman
has a ... vagina.

(He then curls his other


hand into a tube creating
VAGINA PUPPET. Dad smiles
at his own ingenuity.)
DAD (CONT’D)
So, when two people are married,a
Mommy and a Daddy, Daddy hugs mommy
reeeeeeal tight. And the penis fits
in the vagina like a ... like a ...

(Dad places the PENIS


PUPPET into the VAGINA
PUPPET.)
JULIE
Like a key!
DAD
Yes! Exactly! Like a, that’s good,
yes, like a key. Yes, so when
Daddy’s penis fits in to Mommy’s
vagina to unlock...
JULIE
Daddy, who has my penis?
DAD
What? Your...No one. You
don't...There’s not one for you. I
mean, not until you’re at least
...35. Yeah, 35. Good girls get a
magic penis if they wait until
they’re 35.
JULIE
What does a magic penis do?
DAD
What? No. Let me finish my story.
We're not at the end, yet. Okay,
now, sometimes Daddy’s key doesn’t
quite fit so he has to move it
around inside the lock.
(PENIS PUPPET moves in
and out of VAGINA
PUPPET.)
DAD (CONT’D)
It’s a fun game for Daddy to try
and make his key fit.
JULIE
Is it fun for Mommy, too?
DAD
Yeah. Well... sometimes. Other
times Mommy is impatient and says
things like, “what are you doing”?
(The PENIS PUPPET withdraws from the VAGINA PUPPET so that
VAGINA PUPPET can talk.)
VAGINA PUPPET
What are you doing? Are you done
yet?
DAD
And Daddy has to say...
PENIS PUPPET
You usually love this move. Maybe
you'd like a little of this
instead?
The penis puppet enters the back of the vagina puppet.
PENIS PUPPET
How 'bout that? You like that?
VAGINA PUPPET
Just let me know when you're done
so I can go to sleep.
PENIS PUPPET
Maybe if you didn’t just lie there
like a cold fish ...
VAGINA PUPPET
Well maybe if you thought foreplay
was more than just taking off my
clothes. When was the last time we
went out? You don't even look at
me!

(PENIS PUPPET goes


flaccid.)
PENIS PUPPET
Is it not enough that I work all
day to support this family? Not
only do you sound like your mother
but you’re starting to look like
her too.

(VAGINA PUPPET starts to


cry.)
PENIS PUPPET (CONT’D)
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, honey. I
didn't mean that. I’m just stressed
that’s all.

(PENIS PUPPET begins


stroking VAGINA PUPPET to
console her.)
PENIS PUPPET (CONT’D)
Work is stressful and, ... there,
there ... shhh. It’s okay ...
(PENIS PUPPET starts to get erect as he strokes VAGINA.
Slowly this act of caring turns into all out fucking as
PENIS PUPPET gets into it, screaming “oh yeah” and such.
Till ...
Daddy abruptly stops the show as he realizes that his
daughter is watching, open mouthed and dumbfounded.)
DAD
Uh, ... and that’s what sex is.
(Julie remains open-mouthed for a long beat... Dad awkwardly
gets up to leave)
JULIE
What’s a blowjob?
(Dad chokes.)
DAD
WHAT? Um, well ... isn’t it your
bedtime? That...um, you don’t need
to worry ... that’s just a ... uh
... when you get a ... flat tire,
sometimes you can just blow it back
up instead of ... um changing it
and that’s what a ... you shouldn’t
ever have to do that. It’s only for
... mechanics okay goodnight sleep
tight and all that...
JULIE
Oh.
(Julie goes back to
playing with dolls. As
Dad hurries away and
exits)
JULIE (CONT’D)
(to herself)
I think Mommy’s friend should just
change his tires then.
A long beat and then Dad re-enters.
DAD
What?
JULIE
Mommy’s friend, Ted, needs his
tires fixed all the time.

(A beat.)
DAD
Well ... Ted, Teddy, huh. Okay.
Daddy’s gotta go have a talk with
(MORE)
DAD (CONT'D)
Mommy now. Be sure and brush those
teeth.

(Dad gets up to leave.)


JULIE
Is Mommy gonna get the sex talk
now?
DAD
Yeah. She’s really gonna get it.
(Dad leaves. Julie goes back to her dolls.)
JULIE'S DOLL
Beautiful Princess, today you are
35 and I have come with my magic
penis...
BLACKOUT