With Eyes Closed...

1

With Eyes Closed... An Intimate Tale By: Jason Miranda
Regret...

“I love you.” You say in a tone that pierces the tongue escaping your lips- double gauge. I've heard you say this, so many times. But you mean it this time, just like last time. 'I don't much like needles.' I think to myself, so I ignore the words and close my eyes. You lay your head on my chest and all the lies burn a hole through my heart. So many promises, empty. But I can pretend, for now. It isn't hard. It just hurts sometimes. I push the thought back and pull you closer. I run my finger down your naked back; cool soft skin shivers as I touch your spine. So this is what it's come to- feigning intimacy? You are an impostor. This is not your skin. I caress your neck and imagine what you really look like beneath your mask. A monster, pale and dead just like you left

I wanted to yell out. And yet no words would come. It was raining the night that you killed her. and the sky was bleeding red with crimson. . anything. I know. No pleas. 2 her. so pure? Something meant to last forever!” But I couldn't. It wasn't hard to miss that night. I was curious. I should have been there to say something. as clear as day through the scope. they were right. I knew then that you were right. that would stop you this time. and they were right. watching.. Torrents of needles pierced my skin as I stared in tear streaked horror at the brutality of the scene. Things would never be the same. And secretly I did.. She was so beautiful. Regret You didn't know that I was there. I watched it happen and sat idly by.. A smile that meant that it was all over. I should have been the one. I should have seen it in your eyes the day I met you. and everything was different now.With Eyes Closed. It was cold and dark. Regret. Stopped you. how I wanted you to stop.what you were capable of. what you always wanted. I bit back the urge to scream and you held the knife so tight your knuckles tensed white with fury. too. I wanted to. I didn't dare move. “Why? Why are you doing this? How could you destroy something so beautiful. Like rain. I remember the night. You loved what you were doing. The night that you stole her life. Oh. Even in the darkness I could see the twisted smile on your face. You didn't know. This is what you wanted. Just like the cat. no begging. It changes nothing. the ground was littered with autumn leaves and any false step would have alarmed you. My God.. But I've said it all before.

This isn't real. And I meant it. And the wounds.With Eyes Closed.” I reply. I shiver in hidden revulsion as your body presses me tenderly and your hips tighten around my legs.. knowing how far from true it always is. Why? How? What if? Where would we be if I had stopped all this from happening. It can't be real. slightly.. and lovely. All I do now is think. All I can see is the blade. So many. 'I don't love you. even as you dug your spidery fingers into her wound.. You were the guilty one.. You hover over me. Would you have still found a way? Would I still feel so small? Would your skin still feel so frozen against mine? I don't know. “Nothing. because I knew that you couldn't come close to knowing. If only you knew how disgusted I feel right now. and a purity you could never even touch. and you never will. Her color was a perfect shade of pink. Regret. it's quite unaffecting these days. 3 This wasn't supposed to happen.' I whisper to my thoughts. biting and scratching my unwanting skin. No one was supposed to get hurt. Did you know that? Did you even think about that at all? Did I cross your mind even once while you were hacking away our love? I didn't think so. “What are you thinking about?” You ask me. She was the one that I told. And I could never tell you. The devil inside. and your scandalous eyes meet mine against the reflection of the tv screen. I'll never know. I remember that I laughed then. Every time you stabbed her you killed a small part of me as well. She was innocent. She was the only one. remember? She never did anything to you. You don't want to know what I'm thinking. Or at the very least. . Your cold heart makes no sound as I kiss your breasts. tried to. 'I could never love you.' It was her that I loved. desperate to feel what she had. full of passion.

“I missed you too. I would. and now you're screwing with my mind. And I can see it. And I hate you for what you've done. it's all a trick.With Eyes Closed. Maybe you know I know. leaving you victorious in your efforts of keeping me from having her. “I was thinking about you. I missed you. but I have this aching feeling that you don't really need me at all. All the time. You're not. Regret. You're not that convincing. Who knows? I don't. Perhaps. Pretending like I don't already know. You're all I ever think about. From loving her. and see what happens to you. Just leave. baby. Maybe it would help if I saw you suffer as I've suffered..” You laugh. all too clearly. no matter how hard you try to be just like her. Your bright ocean blue eyes flicker with something like pure evil and I long to see her behind them. How could I ever know? Regret. Deeper. I just don't know. From being loved.” I miss her. . Why am I still here? Why do I put up with it all? I'm trapped and I can never forgive you for keeping me here.. like poison. Suddenly.. Maybe I should just go. a jolt of intense fear and pain and angst indescribable in words. I close my eyes again and I force myself to say. but not how I meant for you to hear it. Tell me?” You smile. “That's good.” We kiss and your lips burn mine. hun. 4 “You're lying.” Which is true. Maybe you saw me there that night. More than anything. faking innocence. But it's just you again. I lay my head back against the headrest and try to seem indifferent.. runs through me. “Cause I think about you too. That somehow it would bring you joy if I conceded and left.

. You would have left me behind long ago if I hadn't held on so tight. “Oh how I love autumn! The colors!” How can you be so cruel? I guess.” You say again and again. a perfect little hole in the world. berating her with your knife. and God. and I pulled away. and that look in your eyes. it was so appealing. I imagined it weeping for all the hurtful things you were doing in its mists. Not so bad that it would change us. I suppose I should be grateful. to all my peers. Not so bad that it would hurt. Thank you. It was just for fun. I saw a future I never asked for. between each kiss. I promised it would never get this bad. I held my own. Hell. At least we fell together. But somewhere along the fall. But I can't blame them.six feet deep. Who new they would be so right. 5 “I love you so much. and you just became worse and worse. every smile you've seen has been forced. You came to me before. I . I can't help thinking this is all a dream.. and I swear since that night.false like the moon on the night you killed that poor girl. falling deeper and deeper into your precious little hole. We both lied. I just kept pretending I couldn't see it. with the culprit in your hands. Painted crimson. Our world. I should have seen it coming. It feels like so long ago. It was bad.With Eyes Closed. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I lied. But I saw then. So I gave in to you. The same one you dug for her.. The forest was so wet. “Look at all the reds!” You screamed. Just to make things interesting. even to me. washed away into a dark chasm in the ground. and the tears fell hard as the rain that night. The pressure.

except you. and you pour into me. Keeps me alive. I wish I hadn't watched you take over.. and nature took it's course. Torn to pieces by the thrust of your hand. Falling.” Because I long to feel her . 6 reached for something to help me back up. I close my eyes and brush back the stale dry tears that keep trying to fall. My hands caress your sides. I wish I would have done something. Those are just words to me now. Because I miss her “more than the sun misses the rain. You were so much stronger than she felt at the time... Something farther than the sun from where I lie. and I saw her mangled body. The bitterness that clouded the air. Gravity had it's hold on her. I can't let them show. I know this. by the stroke of your knife. Crash.. Like when I give in to you each time. knowing the betrayal. leaving me breathless in the wake of every mistake I ever made. and I tried to take her with me.” I don't mean it. “I love you too.. Bleeding. Now that she's dead and I'm left with nothing. My tongue doubles back in my throat as the sense comes back to mind.. You know. watching you fall. She didn't stand a chance..With Eyes Closed.. and I choke on the words. and watching her die.. I wish I hadn't let this happen.. Dying. Falling. into a million tiny pieces of broken trust. But I must. knowing it's wrong. And there I was that night. You have become something else.. I have to be strong. I am all alone. I can still taste it. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. But she couldn't hold on.. I reluctantly looked down into that hole.

There was no funeral for her. more likely your heart was too frozen. to touch her face. beneath the trees.. no more blue eyes. Her body still lay in that empty forest. Your perfect weapon. her creamy white skin. Until then. I still can't believe how easy it was for you to use that against her. It's that time again. insecurity. I remember she hardly ever left the house without straightening her hair because she was so insecure about it. Ah. Perhaps the dirt was too wet. To bring her back to life. no celebration of life. Just a crumpled mass of bones . no gathering of friends and family to say goodbye. I try so hard to hold on to that memory. Time to bring myself to the lowest level and feed into your lies. No. I cringe to think of the decay she's succumbed to by now. Like you let her die. but just perfect for me. and how you never even tried to fill it again. and know her like before. her gorgeous blue eyes. Just to make sure you never leave. I recall again how deep that hole was. I will live this lie. My thoughts and words fall on death's ears. and in contrast to your fierce nails tearing into my skin. just to keep you happy.. no more auburn hair. Before the addiction consumed her.With Eyes Closed. No more creamy skin. as I remember her and to share a life as one. probably hidden now by the multicolored leaves. Her fatal flaw... and you moan so loud my ears ache. How long will I force myself to endure this putrid example of naivety run amok? I suppose as long as it takes to find her again. her long brown mess of hair that was always too curly and tangled for her. and so consumed me. There is no place for me to leave her flowers and speak to her in hopes that she'll hear what I'm saying. You're sick. 7 again. As you bring me deeper into you. Or. I pull you even closer. To see her again. There was no gravestone with pleasant words etched into the face of it to keep her memory alive. Because I'm so afraid to be alone. I gently massage the dimples at the small of your back. so scared to let this die.

Wake up. Sleep. Damnit! When will it end? A hurtful cycle that keeps ripping at the seams of my already torn soul. We both know why. Sex. Enjoy.. Sex. I hate you so much. my cheek. especially with your tongue jammed down my throat. Lovely isn't it? It's hard to get that taste out of my mouth. Your breath smells like ginger and burnt vinegar. Sex. It's too cold in this room. . I try to imagine it's her I'm making love to and not some monster whose touch makes my skin crawl... Sleep. Another dose. Shake. But how long can I do this? How long? Truth. 8 and decomposed tissue. We're not that hungry anyways.. Take one for the team. I love her. my lips. don't we? Oh the bittersweet smell of morphine and a slight dash of fentanyl. We haven't left the house in days it seems. You force my hair back with your long fingers and kiss my neck. my chin. But. No time for food..With Eyes Closed. inhale death. Sleep. even in her state. Shiver. Still. take the dose. So I keep my mouth shut. It's become like routine now. Take the dose. she's more beautiful than you will ever be. close my eyes and bite the bullet.

You know this because your clever little self looked it up online. Physically I'm numb. But I couldn't. Am I really that high? You're back on the floor again. But it's worth it to you. But we're not really. The ultimate high. The high is leaving. but my mind is constantly screaming. I look up and realize I'm shaking again. You know I do. God. brewing up another round. uncontrollably..one to smoke. well. Straight through the veins and to the brain. my mouth won't open. It's like candy to you. it's kind of like I'm one of those psychos in the mental ward. I hate needles too much. Okay?” The sex was over. 'Best ways to cook heroin and smoke it. and then I swear it's all over. One more. There is no release. So you were kind and compromised. Probably better than I do. and suddenly I realize. “Just one more hit. I'm so weak.. sure. I need your help. and one to hold the lighter. I know what you would say. baby.. Not inside. and I hadn't noticed. And I'm crying. . you know.. Just google. I remember. and your that heartless nurse making her rounds with tiny plastic cups of routine medication to keep us. We go through the steps again.\ It's a long process. and I'm falling back into a place I don't want to be again. so I can't hate it entirely.” It's so much easier to cook up with a helper. Can we? Please?' I beg to myself. It keeps the reality of the whole thing in check. I want this to be over.' You wanted to shoot it up. Am I a victim? Or a hypocrite? Either way. 'I want to go back.. it's the only thing that works these days. For me it's like.. But in my mind is a deep cesspool of sadistic thoughts and horrific pain bordering on twisted pleasure. My body won't move. peaceful. 9 It gets me through it though. you're right. “Come over here. you know? Yeah. Back to the way things were.With Eyes Closed. You just won't let it end.

I remember. We don't want to drop it again. I get like this every time. Above me.. and the foil loose but secure. And black is now your color. Release. With your precious drug. The knife was your paintbrush and somehow you've changed the color on the canvas. Gotta love the internet.. How did it come to this? How did I let this happen? Oh. Your masterpiece. We finally got the timing perfect..” You inhale and the smoke rises in a beautiful gray stream that shoots straight to your lips. I can hear a soft patter on the roof. Black hair. not glass because it takes too long to heat and cool. It was raining then too. My lips feel dry and my tongue practically hangs out of my mouth when I watch you feel what I can't wait to feel again.” You say...Three. Foil is perfect because it heats and cools almost instantaneously. and I'm actually jealous. Oh God. Five. You carefully place a tiny piece of the beast in the center. This is your creation. Your head falls back. Blast off. “Okay.Four. I'm cut off from the outside and it's been this way for so long.. Last time we spent an hour eying every last thread of carpet for another tiny morsel of solace. like a knife cutting away all life. Mom would be so proud. I remember the night you killed her. now it's an undaunted black..One. and the countdown starts.. loving. passionate..With Eyes Closed. Light it.Two.. Houston... . 10 We start with our five by five piece of material..aluminum foil. I wouldn't know. Less waste.... “Okay.. It was once a glowing red.. we are a go. and I grip the lighter tight. I want to feel it on my face again. The night you killed us both. I miss the rain. all the windows are closed.. It must be raining.

I can never change what we've become. 11 Black lipstick. Black. . even with eyes closed. freezing on impact. and close my eyes. and this is my punishment. I see you through every closed window.. You've slowly stolen all the hues from my world. This is all real. You are all that I am now. slipping back into your world.With Eyes Closed. She's dead. A single eager tear finally falls past my cheek and lands on your hand. and ever will be. You are my world now. The shadows consume me in every pore and now. My everything. I'm stuck here in this dark room. Your color. This is no dream. For a moment I'm free. You've won.. She's gone. You killed her. I'll never get her back. in the corners of every single room I walk through. in this house that's not my own. and I let you. Somehow you've forced yourself like a wedge into my soul.. I take the hit.. For the life of me. lit by one single candle because you claim the light hurts your eyes. all I see is you. Black Heart. Behind my lids my eyes convulse and all around us things that I can't see are moving. Further proof that you're a monster. Black skirt. but there's no escaping the inevitable. I slip in and out of consciousness and each time feeling closer and closer to the terrible truth.

.. 12 .With Eyes Closed..

. 13 ..With Eyes Closed.