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"Garage Sale"

by

Tim Noonan

www.noonanta.com
FADE IN:

EXT. A HEALTHY GREEN LAWN - DAY

We TRUCK with a college aged man, MIKE, and his girlfriend,


MEGAN, up a walkway.

MEGAN
Are you sure you have the right
address?

Mike unfolds a small scrap of paper and refers to it with a


quick glance.

MIKE
1600. This is it.

MEGAN
Well it’s an awfully long driveway.

MIKE
Quit complaining, look, we’re here.

He points ahead. We follow Megan’s gaze.

THE WHITE HOUSE

We are just outside the south facade.

A series of folding tables are set up with various odds and


ends at the foot of the stairs.

We see the PRESIDENTIAL SEAL on many of these items,


including an oversized BEANBAG CHAIR and a CASH BOX with a
handwritten sign reading “MUNNY” with an arrow pointing to
the box.

MEGAN
(incredulous)
How did you find out about this
yard sale?

MIKE
Craigslist.

She opens her mouth to respond but is cut off by a woman’s


call.

WOMAN (O.S.)
Oh, goodie...
2.

BARBARA BUSH, wife of George Herbert, mother of George


Walker, emerges through the columns. She wears an apron and
carries a tray of cookies.

Mike smiles and nods a hello.

BARBARA
You’re our first customers. Please
take a look around. And have a
fresh baked chocolate chip cookie.

Mike takes one and begins perusing. Megan is a bit awestruck.

MEGAN
You’re Barbara Bush.

BARBARA
That’s what it says on my
underwear.

She chuckles.

MEGAN
Former First Lady, current First
Mother.

BARBARA
(introspectively)
Actually my underwear says “Hanes.”

Mike comes back with a stuffed SPRINGER SPANIEL.

MIKE
Check this out.

BARBARA
Oh, I see you’ve found Millie. She
was our beloved friend and loyal
companion for 12 wonderful years.
She wrote a book about being a dog
in the White House! Oh, how we
adored her.

MIKE
I’ll give you 50 cents.

Megan hits him.

MEGAN
Mike!

BARBARA
Sold.
3.

MEGAN
Mrs. Bush, why are you having a
yard sale? Your husband has
millions of dollars from his oil
ventures. Your son has millions of
dollars from his oil ventures. Your
daughter-in-law killed her
classmate from running a stop sign
when she was 17...

Mike and Barbara look at her. She shakes it off.

MEGAN (CONT’D)
You don’t need money.

BARBARA
Oh Dear, it’s not about money,
we’re moving and G.W.’s just
accumulated so much junk over the
past 8 years.

BUSH (O.S.)
It’s not junk!

GEORGE W. BUSH, in shirt, tie, and Bermuda shorts comes


galloping out.

BUSH (CONT’D)
Didjya see the Craiglist Ad? I did
that.

Barbara talks behind her hand to the couple.

BARBARA
He hit “post” after I typed it up.

She makes the quotation mark gesture as she says this.

Mike laughs out loud, grabbing a second cookie, as Megan


smiles politely.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
Please, keep looking.

BUSH
Proceeds will benefit the George W.
Bush Presidential Lie-berry in
Dallas, Texas.

BARBARA
Now honey, we’ve been over this,
the taxpayers are paying for your
repository.
4.

Bush stares blankly at his mother.

He maintains the confused look a bit too long.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
(to Megan) He could be like that
for awhile. Why don’t you look
around.

She joins Mike in sifting through the items as Bush stands


there silently thinking.

Mike holds up a children’s book for her.

MIKE
“The Pet Goat,” I bet your niece
would like this.

Bush runs over and snatches it out of his hand.

BUSH
That’s not for sale, I haven’t
finished reading it yet.

BARBARA
Actually, G.W., that’s exactly what
you did.

[MIKE
Zing, good one Mrs. B.

He slaps her a “high-five” as Megan mutters under her breath.

MEGAN
Yeah, a really timely joke.]

Barbara puts out her hand, Bush reluctantly hands it over.

BUSH
Fine.

Barbara passes it back to Mike.

MIKE
How much?

Barbara opens her mouth to respond, but is cut off.

BUSH
Nine trillion dollars.

MIKE
Oh, okay, will you take a check?
5.

He reaches for his wallet sarcastically; Bush’s eyes go wide


and he smiles broadly.

BARBARA
(to Megan)
He has no concept of money.
(to Bush)
He’s funnin’ with you, G.W.

[BUSH
Shut up ma, I’m gonna pay back the
National Debit.]

MAN (O.S.)
(gruffly) What’s all this
commotion?

DICK CHENEY comes out through the pillars. He wears a solid


gold silk smoking jacket and carries a martini in one hand.

He stops short at seeing the civilians.

CHENEY
What in the hell?! G.W., you got
some ‘splainin’ to do.

BARBARA
It’s okay Dick...

Cheney notices Barbara for the first time. He softens and


looks her up and down, “checking her out” none too subtly.

CHENEY
Hey Babs, didn’t know you were
around today. I’ve got some
business to take care of in the,
ah, Oral, I mean, Oval, Office -
wanna help me out?

Barbara blushes, not displeased by the come on. Megan and


Mike notice, Bush is of course oblivious, as he rediscovers
some of his “toys” for sale on the table.

BARBARA
Maybe later, Dick, we’re having a
yard sale.

BUSH
Do you have anything to sell, Dad?

Cheney looks to Bush, eyes ablaze, full of pure loathing.

BUSH (CONT’D)
I mean Dick.
6.

Cheney places the martini down and steps forward with a


raised open palm, ready to smack the stupid right off of
Bush.

Bush cowers.

BUSH (CONT’D)
I mean, Mr. Cheney. Mr. Cheney.
[Please don’t hit me again.]

Barbara steps in.

BARBARA
Come on Dick, help the boy out.
We’re all selling stuff.

She indicates Millie.

CHENEY
You’re net selling those Hanes are
you?

He smiles and winks to Mike, who laughs again.

MIKE
Gross.

Barbara blushes again, Megan is appalled.

CHENEY
Alright, I think I might have
something.

He reaches into his robe and pulls out a SHOTGUN.

MIKE
Wow, is that the famous -

Cheney cuts him off with a look. Mike backs off.

He hands the weapon to Bush who takes it reverently with


outstretched arms. Bush starts to walk away to place it on
the table.

CHENEY
Hold on a second, Chief.

He reaches into his pockets on either side and pulls out


DUELING PISTOLS. He piles them on top of the shotgun. Bush
starts to turn.

CHENEY (CONT’D)
Bup-bup.
7.

He pulls out a HUNTING KNIFE from his leggings, BRASS


KNUCKLES from behind, and a chain of GRENADES, from across
his chest.

Bush lays the arsenal on the table.

MEGAN
(disgusted) You carry all that
around with you?

CHENEY
It’s my Constitutional right,
Tootsie. And besides, I still have
the magnum in my pants.

He turns to Barbara as he says this.

MIKE
Gross.

Barbara regains her composure and ushers Mike and Megan to


look at the items for sale.

BARBARA
Please, look around.

She looks over her shoulder to Cheney.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
Bye, Dick.

He shrugs and picks his martini back up. He walks away,


raising the middle finger over his shoulder as he does so.

CHENEY
Catch you bitches later.

He kills the drink and smashes the glass on the steps as he


disappears among the pillars.

BARBARA
Now let’s see what we can get you.

She starts holding up items for the couple’s consideration.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
Do you golf? We have golf clubs.
How about horses, do you like
horses?

She holds up a saddle, stirrups, cowboy hat, then a leather


vest with “CRAWFORD” written across the back in little
sparkling beads.
8.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
George, did you do this!

BUSH
Yeah, I used the Bedazzler you got
me for Christmas.

BARBARA
Snorkeling equipment?

MEGAN
(to Bush) Were you ever in the
office?

Mike grabs an item.

MIKE
What’s this?

BUSH
That’s my veto pen.

Mike tests it.

MIKE
It’s out of ink.

Megan sees something.

MEGAN
Oh my God, is this a Purple Heart
award?

She holds up the distinguished medal in it’s display case.

BUSH
Sure is, I received that for blood
shed as a result of valiant and
selfless action in the service of
the United States of America during
the Vietnam War.

Everyone stops in their tracks for a beat.

Bush bursts out laughing.

BUSH (CONT’D)
Just kiddin’, I stole that from
McCain’s trailer during the 2000
primaries. I had you there for a
minute.

MEGAN
No, you didn’t.
9.

Mike holds up a big yellow slicker and rain hat.

MIKE
You steal this from The Gordon’s
Fisherman?

BARBARA
No.

She rolls her eyes as she takes the coat and starts folding
it back up.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
He bought these during Hurricane
Katrina.

BUSH
I thought we’d get flooded.

MEGAN
In Washington D.C.?

BUSH
Those levees were filled with
sawdust.

Cheney leans out from behind a pillar. Only Bush notices as


he puts a finger to his lips in the “be quiet” gesture. He
continues to leer from his spot during the following.

BARBARA
You know what, I could use a drink.
Anyone else thirsty? Laura!

LAURA BUSH now joins the party, She comes out wearing an
apron similar to Barbara’s, and carries a tray with a pitcher
of lemonade and glasses.

Laura has dead, vacant eyes; she walks and talks


mechanically, robotic.

LAURA
Here is your lemonade, Bar-ba-ra.

Barbara takes a glass and offers it to Mike. He waves it off.

MIKE
What is this?

He picks up an odd-looking machine.

BUSH
That makes hanging chads.
10.

Cheney throws up his hands and walks back inside.

Laura continues to stand rigidly with the tray. Megan takes a


glass to be polite.

MEGAN
Thanks.

LAURA
You are welcome.

Barbara goes back to offering items, eager to make a sale.

BARBARA
Did I hear you say you have a
niece? Does she have a Lite-Brite?
Slinky? Hungry Hungry Hippos?

She holds each up in turn, but stops short after the Hippos.
She puts the toys down and picks up a a folder.

She blows off the dust and cobwebs.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
George!

She shows it to him. It says “EXIT STRATEGY.”

BUSH
I was looking for that.

BARBARA
You said you checked the Hungry
Hippos. What else have you left
behind?

She looks more carefully in a box under the table, then comes
up gasping.

In each hand is a carton of CIGARETTES.

BARBARA (CONT’D)
Have you been smoking young man?!

Bush chuckles, incredibly amused.

BUSH
Noooo. I bought those cigarettes to
send to Iran, to kill the
terrorists.

MEGAN
Unbelievable.
11.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)


I knew it!

Enter JOHN MCCAIN, coming up the walk.

MCCAIN
I knew you were exporting
cigarettes to Iran as a way to kill
the terrorists - hey is that my
Purple Heart?!

McCain retrieves his medal, does a double take at the


Stepfordian Laura who is standing in the exact same position,
staring ahead.

MCCAIN (CONT’D)
So what’s this all about?

BUSH
My mom says I have to sell all my
stuff so we can move easier.

MCCAIN
But didn’t you hear?

Everyone gives him their attention, Cheney pops back out.

MCCAIN (CONT’D)
I won.

Cheney pumps his fist triumphantly, Bush smiles, Mike shrugs,


Megan shakes her head, Barbara silently leads Laura back
towards the house.

MCCAIN (CONT’D)
You won’t have to leave after all!

Bush and McCain turn and gives the thumbs up to the audience.
Everything freezes.

An ANNOUNCER speaks over the scene.

ANNOUNCER
This sketch brought to you by
Barack Obama for President.

BARACK OBAMA walks onto center stage.

OBAMA
I’m Barack Obama, and I support
this Ad.

FADE OUT:
12.

THE END