Inner-Monologue Of The Guy Sitting Next To You On The Plane

Tomorrow I’m taking a 12 hour flight, and I always sit next to the same kind of person on every flight. Here’s what I’m guessing is going on in their brain.

Oh hey, is that middle seat taken? I know there’s some rows a little further back in the plane that are empty, but it’s really important that I save the three extra minutes when I exit the plane so that I can be the first to wait at baggage claim. Alright, almost situated, let me just situate myself so that I’m sitting on your seatbelt. Theeeeere we go.

Hey, you look like you’re trying to sleep, let’s have a meaningless conversation about where I’m from and whom I just visited. Don’t worry, this conversation won’t be interesting enough to hold your attention, but I will continually make eye contact with you so

that it will be incredibly awkward if you try to stop talking to me. Okay, I’ve finished talking for now, you can go to sleep. Uh oh, nature calls! Sorry, let me just find the most difficult angle to try and move past you on my way to the bathroom. Okay, nice, I got it, I’m just going to push past you with my crotch mere inches away from your face. Be sure to smell the eighteen farts that are now releasing from my seat cushion.

Don’t worry, I’ll be gone long enough for you to fall asleep, even if you try not to. Hey, it’s me, I’m back from the bathroom. Now I’m going to scoot past you so that my ass that I just used for shitting gives you a close up. Let’s talk some more. Oh, wow, look at that, five hours went by like nothing! We’ve landed. Now I can stand up and hover over you in a hunched position so that you can fully smell the body odor emanating from my arm pits. It should smell like ham and newsprint.

Ah, yes, it does, okay good. Before you go, could you hand me my 96 pound bag I stowed in the compartment above us? Geez, watch it, you almost crushed the small woman below it. Okay, well, I’ll see you later! Oh hey, you have a bag to claim as well? Want to share a cab?