FEMINIST PROTEST A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow." VIBRATING HUSBAND A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." ANOTHER An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai. The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!" DISGRACING THE FAMILY There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;


you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." CANARIES Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on Mother Of Six

FATHER OF SIX CHILDREN A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." TRIP TO EUROPE A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.


"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry". STAYING YOUNG Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" DATING YOUNG The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" GOLFING WITH THE WIFE A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.


"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" FREE MEAT It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face. WHAT DAY IT IS Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" COLD HANDS Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,”‘ Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?” ACCIDENTAL TOUCH A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." DIFFICULT QUESTION A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."


"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'" HAPPY GORRILA It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, Loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . " AUNT KAREN'S MORAL The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed

"I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex. She'll probably be thrilled. "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday . any way she wants it. and he said. "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking" REPRODUCING BULL A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. so I'm stuck." His friend said. and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. surprised. "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes. this bull reproduced 60 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey. once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!" 60 MINUTES PRESENT Adam was talking to his friend at the bar. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" TATOO GIFT It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek." Adam replied. "Easy.. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison." DATING A DENTIST A guy and a girl meet at a bar." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs. kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen. every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now. "You must be a dentist.she has everything. that's some 10 times a month. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen.. says "Yes . and yells back: "Sure. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. and besides. The next day at the bar his friend said." said the horrified teacher.. how did you figure that out?" The girl says. I did. you keep washing your hands. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up . The girl watches him and says.. this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day." One thing led to another ." "Good heavens. she can afford to buy anything she wants. A few drinks later." After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!.vi right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. thanked me.." The guy..

'. "You must be a great dentist.. And most importantly." The guy. my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt. I didn't feel a thing!" DEAD HUSBAND A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. After they were done. As she takes off her blouse. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. your husband will surely die. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. She simply had to know. "There's no easy way to say this. the husband asked his wife. steadied her voice. "Yes. it will only make his stress worse. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. the girl says. then down at her hands. A couple of days later. then at the single flickering candle. After his checkup. so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. and asked her question. Why do you ask?" BAD SHAPE A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. that doesn't mean we're not .. Don't discuss your problems with him. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months. another girl comes in for a checkup. the mystic delivered grave news.. even when we make love.. he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. In a dark and hazy room. "Easy. as he probably had a hard day. A couple of days later." she replies. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. even when we make love.. he notices a green 'M' on her chest." she replied. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale. If you don't do the following. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again.. peering into a crystal ball. "Oh. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die. "Will I be found guilty?" LETTERS OF LOVE A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup." "Each morning.. combined with horrible stress. On the way home." she replies. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. another girl comes in for a checkup. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. Try to be pleasant in general. I think your husband will regain his health completely.vii and they make love.the doctor called the wife into his office alone. ADVICE FOR WOMEN Advice From Men To Women. the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face. He said.. my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt. and make sure he stays in a good mood. but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. How did you figure that out?" The girl says. fix him a healthy breakfast." Visibly shaken. She met the fortune teller's gaze. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. "No. "Oh. now with a boosted ego says. As she takes off her blouse. I sure am a great dentist. Don't burden him with chores. As she takes off her blouse.

They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated.. "Oh.. He asks the first nun. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. he just walked in the front door.. waiting for the punchline. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. In fact. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. but I think your husband just slid under the table. I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!" MAGIC CURE Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding." PURIFYING WATER A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.. apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.viii watching it. UNDER THE TABLE John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. taking another order at a table a few paces away.." St Peter says OK.... dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. no. .Peter. Mary appeared calm and unruffled. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister. He's just not crying. Please don't drive when you're not driving. she came over to the table and said to the woman. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first. "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate. St Peter asks the next nun the same question. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials..... "Pardon me. Their waitress.. Big difference!. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. St Peter says. Tell them we don't want one.." The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well I once fondled and stroked one. "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???" The nun giggles and replies.... ma'am. After the waitress finished taking the order. When the waiter asks if everything's okay.. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. "Well.. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. what seems to be the rush???" The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly.. He did not. a simple 'Yes' is fine. Still.." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.

"Where's the car?" She said. I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. She called and said. -.Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . "You know." You're a brave woman said the dentist." -. dear. Actually. -." AT THE DENTIST A man and wife entered a dentist's office.. dear.I don't like to interrupt her. I am a forgiving woman. -." SOME MARRIAGE'S INSIGHTS My wife dresses to kill. -. The man replies. -. She cooks the same way. Show me which tooth it is.Erma Bombeck After a quarrel. -.Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Now." When a man steals your wife. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. I was a fool when I married you.I think she choked. "I want a tooth pulled. Long ago. . Then we met.George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." I said. a wife said to her husband. it is no secret at all. "There was water in the carburetor. -.Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." The husband replied. "In the lake. but I was in love and didn't notice. "Yes.Milton Berle I was married by a judge. The Wife said. -. "I dont know. Stay up and fight..ix but he agrees to do it. I should have asked for a jury. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.

. etc." The genie says: "Done. "He's a midget!" CAUSE FOR UNREST In the beginning.it'll change your entire view on the universe. the woman insisted on having her I.Q.a million dollars. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. one of the largest department store chains. Then God created man and rested.Q.. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said.Q. than double my I.. I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish. God created earth and rested.won't you ask for something else. draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. Now one of the women just doesn't believe it. So the genie sighed and said: "Done." And she became a man. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. Then God created woman. and says: "Ok. ." says the genie "You don't know what you're asking. They stumble upon an unusual lamp.. The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends. Since then. chemistry. and if you don't do it.x My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. anything?" But no matter what the genie said. I won't set you free. times five..Q." The genie looks at her and says: "You know. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says.Q. and still think they are beautiful. QUESTION OF HEIGHT A man walks up to a woman in his office each day." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.. I want you to increase my I." The genie says: "Done." The woman says: "Nope." "Please.. if you can really grant wishes. "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies." Suddenly. increased by five times it's usual power. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut. that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I. but I really wish you'd reconsider. the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. neither God nor man has rested BRAIN'S CHANGE RESULT Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. So I got two girlfriends.. The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. stands very close to her. RELIGIOUS TITS A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.

even with all of this variety. She approached one of the women for an explanation. put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off. smooth and sophisticated. "This is marvelous." KUWEIT WEDDING A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills." . "Mine is like an old Chevy." The second said. there are really only three types of bras. The Catholic type supports the masses." the attendant said."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines. "Yahoo!" and rode off. size color and material." "Lady. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. as she showed a sea of bras in every shape. "Mine is like a Porsche." The third said. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off." said the journalist. he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station. and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. The first said. "Nothing. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going. the man asked what were the types. Confused. "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce. "Indians ride bareback. 'Actually. I merely sat behind him on the horse. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town.xi 'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around. the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. Salvation Army type.' replied the salesclerk. When they arrived in Bartlesville. A HUMAN CAR PERFORMANCE Three women were talking about their love lives. and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. and the Baptist type.' said the saleslady. yelled one final. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. the. fast and powerful." RIDING WITH AN INDIAN A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.

It's a very special watch. light gleaming off its polished surface. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. 'So. breaking into a hundred pieces. on her wedding night. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.' says his mother. and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. Mama.' 'Don't worry Maria. Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Its been in my family for six generations.. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says. "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance. 'All good men have hairy chests. while staying at her mother's house. LOST BALL . watch the watch. Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs. up she went again. Tony took off his socks. So.' 'Don't worry. "Watch the watch." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage. He'll take good care of you. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. 'This is a job for Mama!' HYPNOTIST ERROR It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill.' says the mother. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Tony's got a foot-and-a-half. All good men have hairy legs. " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. Tony's got a big hairy chest. Maria. When she got upstairs. Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mama.' says the mother. Don't worry Maria.xii ITALIAN VIRGIN Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs.' So up she went. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. Mama." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.' So up she went again.. 'Mama. she announced. When Maria saw this. she was nervous. watch the watch. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta. When she got up in the bedroom. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. But her mother reassured her. she ran downstairs. until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor.. When she got up there. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. Tony's a good man. "Shit" said the hypnotist. 'Mama.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. For a few moments. she was gone. 'I wish you to transform my old cat. with a cat called Alan for companionship. since you have lived a good. wholesome life since we last met. I walked over and lifted up the tail..stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "Hey. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. Cinderella was stunned.. became reality. this looks like yours!" CINDERELLA'S WISHES Cinderella was now 75 years old. Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife. when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.xiii A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella. Well. breathless. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity..' Magically. said the man. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. who was now quivering in the corner with fear. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. her wish having been desired. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish. Well. there was my wife's golf ball. he was a boy. That's when I made my mistake. . "What did you do?" asks the doctor. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again. and sure enough. she happily sat upon her rocking chair.. appeared the Fairy Godmother. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up. I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. watching the world go by from her front porch. and held her close in his muscular arms.. into a beautiful and handsome young man. it was like this. We went to look for it. what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella. and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.' At once. that when he stoof before her. out of nowhere. what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan. Alan. One sunny afternoon.. overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother.. Cinderella sat.

I'm celebrating. They clink glasses and he asks. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "What a coincidence. and orders a glass of champagne. and into her ear breathed as much as whispered." says the man." where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks. how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "This is a special day for me." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms. too!" He turns to her and says." she said." "Oh. "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne. "What a coincidence. everything has been working just fine." "That's great. too." says the woman." "Oh. FACE LIFT A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. After fifteen years." says the man. the woman wanted "The Knob. Today. With his dummy on his knee. I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of . "I'm a chicken farmer. he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes." says the woman. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died. and the blonde yells. "You stay out of this." THE VENTRILOQUIST A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa." he replies.mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee." "He died of a broken neck. don't you?' FOURTH HUSBAND A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time." COINCIDENCE A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. but today they're finally fertile. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. The woman perks up and says. "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. "All of these years. "What a coincidence. my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob. 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now." Over the course of the years. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes. For years all my hens were infertile. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First.xiv He leant close to her ear. and I'm also celebrating. but women in general. and all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise. the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. takes a seat at the bar next to a woman. Of course.

" "Hmmm. "I'm afraid I can’t. mercy me. "But. "These men have high paying jobs. "Those aren't bags. It was laid out in five floors.Plumber?” . and are extremely good looking.." he''s in the back doing taxes right now. now softly stroking his face with both hands. so further up they went. "Very tempting. love kids. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking." "Oh. there is. The exit is to your left. Second floor The sign read. "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. if you went up a floor. you know. popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "I''m just the manager. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs." "Wow. love kids and help with the housework. Fifth floor The sign on that door said." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She sighed and said. she begins to gently caress his cheek." they cried." The women read the sign and said. love kids. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. "Are you the owner?" she asks." GET ME THE MANAGER A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment.. those are your breasts.xv them. First floor The door had a sign saying. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.." said the ladies. Mr. are extremely good looking. "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. The only rule was. once you opened the door to any floor.. never to return." The doctor looked at her closely and said. you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. I need you to give him a message.. running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair." WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. "Well. are extremely good looking. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands." She continues huskily. "Honey." She asks. but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. "These men have high paying jobs."No" he replies. "These men have jobs and love kids. "Well." said the women. When he does so." But there was another floor. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said. When he arrives. "What do I look like. she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. that's better than not having a job or not loving kids. I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read." MEN SUPER STORE Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. you HAD to choose a man from that floor. I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee . which is slowly turning a crimson red." breathes the manager clearly aroused.

She pleads with him as he's walking through the door.Goodwrench?" was his response. "Go and get help" he cried "But I can't. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. The man did the only logical thing. the other day I was picking up the mail. and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly. She was thrilled with the speed. but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. "Oh. I think that it needs a new battery. she peeled off her clothes." "Wow. "Honey. "No. "Cool. He cannot follow us both. "Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly" She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me. he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.xvi A few days went by. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like. You go that way and I'll go this way. SL: It's logical. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like. did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. Jon.and soon went off into the woods. but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks. He started to walk faster too. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. He came over and fixed everything. the husband asked. "Honey. Betty Crocker? NAKED ACCIDENT A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road. When he got to 150mph. Another couple of weeks go by. my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady. I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl. and I ran into one of our new neighbors. She was flung clear of the wreckage. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard. crashing the car. and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor. "Honey. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like. SM: Oh. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. He wants to rape us. and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. he's in way too far" MATHS AND LOGIC There are two nuns. Mr. Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. SM: So. and as she walked through the door. he also went to take a shower. no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What a nice man. how come there aren't any more leaks. what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. the car won't start. "Yes" said the girl. and it's raining pretty hard. . His wife was coming home just then. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).

SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened.xvii So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. I lifted my dress up.. I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday. " Yes. SM: Oh. as he removed her clothes. SM: Yes." " But. Father. that's why I don't go there anymore. Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending.. Then Sister Logical arrives. " Yes. He pulled down his pants." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. as he put his you-know-what in her you-knowwhere. Father.. "That son-of-a-bitch! GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes." " That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch. Father. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. he took off my clothes." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. Father. he also touched my breasts.. He reached me. Late that evening.." " Yes. " Yes. " Because.. Father. so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. she goes to his office for guidance and confession. so he followed me. Father. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened... as he touched her breasts.. father. SM: Oh." " Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked. SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. The man couldn't follow us both. Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do." " But. Father. he has herpes! Remarked the Father." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where." Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman "Yeah. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. Father. he touched me on my arm without permission." " But. "Father. as he touched her arm." Man "Is this seat empty?" ." " But. no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical. Pray for forgiveness you heathens!) VIRGIN'S CONFESSION A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day." " Do you mean like this?" he asked.

What's your number?" Woman "It's in the phone book. I'd die happy Woman "Yeah. I want you to leave.." Woman "That's in the phone book too." Man "But I don't know your name." Woman "Sorry." Man "So." Man "Your body is like a temple." Man "I can tell that you want me. we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Man "I'd like to call you. but if I saw you naked. wanna go back to my place ?" Woman "Well. how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman "Sorry. baby.xviii Woman "Yes. I don't accept cheap gifts. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." . You're so right. come on." Man "Hey. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both." Woman "Sorry." Man "What sign were you born under?" Woman "No Parking." Man "I want to give myself to you." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man "I know how to please a woman." Man "Hey cutie. I don't date outside my species." Woman "Then please leave me alone." Man "If I could see you naked. what's your sign?" Woman "Do not Enter" Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman "Unfertilized" Man "Hey." Man "So what do you do for a living?" Woman "I'm a female impersonator. there are no services today. I'd probably die laughing. I don't know. and this one will be too if you sit down." Woman "Ohhhh.

The next morning the husband wakes up. She said.. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. saw the doctor and you got the operation. CAN'T COOK A young couple." So off they went to the bedroom. you saved my life. married just a couple of weeks. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes………. So the husband inquires. Honey?" "Well." Man "I would go to the end of the world for you. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die. I made a trip to town. "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?" "Your name didn't come up in our conversation. humming and giggling all over herself. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast. there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old. saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. but would you stay there?" LOOKING YOUNG A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. I made a trip to town. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together. you saved our home. was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. "There. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there ever another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. "What's wrong..xix Man "I'd go through anything for you. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house." The husband then asked." Woman "Yes. but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says. TRUE LOVE A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together. showers. but we didn’t have any insurance. ." Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account." She replied. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.

If you have a headache. it's favoritism. walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. If she has a headache.xx That afternoon. and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. Up she runs. "You can't be serious. If you don't. it's a favor." The first man said. interviews. there is never any time for her. If you keep quiet. If you try to keep yourself in shape. "What's wrong now. you're a good-for-nothing bum." . If you don't work enough. If you don't. Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies. If you get a promotion ahead of her. WHY MEN CAN'T WIN If you work too hard." The agent replies. I could never shoot my wife. If you cry. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy. you're an egotist. you're not thoughtful. it's sexual harassment. you're vain. After all of the background checks. "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. you're insensitive. the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. you're a chauvinist pig. it's exploitation. you're not ambitious. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay. If you make a decision without consulting her. you're a wimp. and WHOOSH down the banister. "What are you doing. After the third trip the husband asks. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook. If she gets a job ahead of you. you should get off your ass and find something better. you don't love her anymore. If she asks you. Sweetie?" "Well. That evening the new husband comes home. If you're not. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay. no matter what the circumstances. If you don't. the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. you're a slob. it's equal opportunity. and you must be sleeping around THE INTERVIEW The CIA had an opening for an assassin. that's domination. "Then you're not the right man for this job. If you're proud of your achievements. you're after something. If you buy her flowers." Again the husband smiles and says. If she makes a decision without consulting you. "We must know that you will follow your instructions. she's a liberated woman. If you mention how nice she looks. You have to kill her. For the final test. you bastard. she's tired. the same thing as this morning. it's male indifference.

" said the mortician. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. It has to be saved for posterity. I'll go talk to my sister. Take another pill I can handle this. all was quiet. it was the woman's turn. The first person he showed was his wife. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing.xxi The second man was given the same instructions." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. "I don't feel a thing. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. but I can't kill my wife. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. Same thing. I had to beat him to death with the chair. who was about to be cremated. The next day they take their newborn son home. "Bernie Schwartz is dead!" LABOR PILLS Once a woman was in labor. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz. This isn't hurting me at all. Only she was told to kill her husband. Her husband tells her to take another pill. All was quiet for about five minutes. and opened his briefcase. the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy." The agent replies. "I tried. He took the gun and went into the room. "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash. one shot after another. Now they are both feeling great. crashing." he said. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says. "I have something to show you that you won't believe. so there were no males employed there. The man said "this is embarrassing for me. and there they find the mailman dead on the ." Finally. He tells her. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. After a few minutes. "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this." So the wife takes another pill. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. Shots were heard. "Oh my god!" she screamed. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. "You don't have what it takes. Schwartz. Let me take all the pain away. Take your wife and go home. she said. A few hours later. MORTICIAN IN SHOCK A mortician was working late one night. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. You women are babies. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute. banging on the walls." PERMANENT ERECTION A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. She took the gun and went into the room. he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Same thing happens. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store. They heard screaming." When she returned." So she does. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. "Take another pill.

" "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. says to him. "But before I let you go. was shocked at the woman's appearance. SLOW DRIVER Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. "but you look like hell. obviously confused. No sir. "You weren't speeding. We just got off Route 119. . did he have any last requests?" "Well." Replied Mary. "Officer." DOCTOR'S WIFE A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session. yes he did father.." SAVING UP On the fourth day of their honeymoon.xxii doorstep." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." the officer asks. father. "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. I was doing the speed limit exactly. they'll be alright in a minute officer. Tell me Mary. "Oh." she remarked." the miserable bride moaned. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years. I've got terrible news. Father. he notices that there are five old ladies -. Mary?" "Well. passed away last night. trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number. The State Police officer. Ma'am. "Honey. a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.two in the front seat and three in the back . not the speed limit. I thought he meant CASH!" LAST REQUEST Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed. who had served the couple breakfast each day. I have to ask. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" ”Ma'am. By midmorning. Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. He thinks to himself. his wife picked up the phone. the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. What's up?" "I've been double-crossed. my husband. The waitress." "Oh. Approaching the car." the officer replies. she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. I don't understand. The driver. "What's bothering you so. Mary" said the father." replied Mary. "that's terrible. "Well what is it.. A bit embarrassed.eyes wide and white as ghosts. After many rings. dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time. you're just a young thing. "Oh.

After a week he joined them in the hotel. if you firmed this up. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line. we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." This was beyond a silent response. My wife came home last night without her panties. who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law. however. so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.'" FIRM IT UP! One morning while making breakfast. "He said. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said. the first hearse is for my husband." While this was on the edge of intolerable. and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails." "What happened to him?" The woman replied. they needed to pee. We'll Never Forget You. "You know." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women." FUNERAL A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Mary?" Mary replied. we could get rid of your bra. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to . The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said. Mary. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied. With a death grip in place. we could get rid of the gardener." SEX ON THE BEACH A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation." The woman was even more inquisitive. then throw them away. the postman. but I've never seen a funeral like this. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Incredibly drunk and walking home. if you firmed these up. she said. Her friend. "From All of Us At the Fire Station. "These damn girls night out have got to stop." GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out. she kept silent. said the other husband. After finishing. the poolman and your brother. "If you firmed this up. The next morning. "Well. 'Please. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said. the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know. use them. put down the gun.xxiii "What did he ask. "Well. was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that." "That's nothing. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. Behind her 200 women walking single file. they then made off for home. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too. "My dog attacked and killed him.. a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said.. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind.

The husband replied: "awww. The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass. By the way. he'll get use to it. So is the rest of the house. She wore a bathing suit the first day. spotless. you came home after 3 A. drunk and delirious. . On the way home they came up to a river. She was lying on her stomach. why is everything in order and so clean. "No one can see me up here. He forces himself to open his eyes. lets go to the beach. what happened last night?" His son says. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order." said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel. and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. so she just pulled a towel over her rear.M. . and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" . puked in the hallway.You are right. The wife. Marty asks.xxiv make love with his wife. POOR SKUNK There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home. they start to make love on an empty beach. so she decided to take it home and take care of it. who was a rather well-proportioned secretary.said the husband . eating Marty asks.Put your cloths on immediately. "Excuse me. we can’t do it here." Confused." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. "Honey." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. After a while. she decided that no one could see her way up there. "Well. shame on you. clean. all clean and pressed. a policeman run into them. . He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him.Don’t worry. I'm covered with a towel. I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me. asked: "what about the smell?". . concered for the skunk. asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. "So." CATCHING A TAN Joan. We didn’t see each other for a week. His son is also at the table." said the embarrassed man. The wife.. again concered. miss." "Not exactly. I left early to go shopping. but on the second. you are a colleague and it is your first time.No darling. . but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof. The husband replied: "well. our kid is watching us. and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. you can’t do that in public. Love you. All of a sudden.You are right . "You're lying on the dining room skylight. Broke some furniture." SAYING THE RIGHT THING Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. "Son. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. and besides.but it was a moment of weakness. stick him up your dress". out of breath from running up the stairs. breakfast is on the stove.

pressing his luck. He passes the first woman." FAST DIVORCE A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph. "He's not my husband either. "Don't move! You're a statue!" The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. "I want the house. "He's not my husband. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." but she just drives faster and faster. so he says. I'm married!". Again the wife speeds up. "Honey." he insists. He hands the snack to the statue and says. too. He passes by the second woman. He passes by the third woman. but I want a divorce. because I've been having an affair with your best friend. but at midnight the husband goes downstairs. cook for you.xxv His son replies. and all the credit cards. really. I know we've been married for 20 years. By now she's up to ninety mph. "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says. who also looks down at his penis. when you discover clothing. also not recognizing the unit. WHO'S PENIS IS IT? Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball." CHEATING STATUE A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. gets a glass of milk and some cookies. too. He said. the wife behind the wheel. "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph." he says. the wife smiles and says. shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom. The married couple go to bed. He says." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. "Wait a minute. so could she. suddenly." he says." she says. and they never fed me a thing!" CREATION OF WOMEN Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. to eighty mph. "Lady. "This person will gather food for you. so God asked him." "Oh. and when she tried to take your pants off. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says. "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. you said. He then says." she says. "Here. who also looks down as he runs by her. "I want the bank accounts. She will always agree with every decision you ." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. she'll wash it for you. a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. and she's a better lover than you are. This makes him a bit nervous. "All right. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths'. and if they could get one." She says. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. "He's not even a member of this club. " The airbag. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently. who looks down at his penis. "No. leave me alone. The woman jumps up. and comes back upstairs. "I want the car. I've got everything I need.

“Honey. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. so she bought a gun. She recovers. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. when she opened the door. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. Upon reaching the house. the man said. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. but you two have set me free. She will not nag you. She went to his apartment that same day. I wish to have sex with your wife. Before the couple could say anything.xxvi make. with the pistol in hand. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. hair dyed. that she has another 30-40 years to live. so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. Overcome with grief." CHEATING BOYFRIEND A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. said the genie. She arrives in front of God and asks. The husband said. Her boyfriend screamed. The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes. liposuction. “Shut up! You’re next!” GENIE IN A BOTTLE A husband and wife were having an argument. but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied. "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said. "I want bunglows all over the world". "An arm and a leg. God says no. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "Done". said the husband. I didn't recognize you. and asks if this is it. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. "I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". she put the gun to the side of her head. "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies. and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift. So the wife consented. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. "I want millions of dollars in my account". I have not slept with a women for long. she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Sure enough. She sees God. said the genie. and its time for my wish. don’t do it." Adam asked God. She will never have a headache. "Done". "I am a genie. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine". "To tell you the truth. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. tummy tuck. Now it was the time of the genies wish. "What can I get for a rib?" FACE-LIFTING DEATH A middle aged woman has a heart attack. "So" the genie said.” The blonde yelled back. etc. Finally in the morning the genie said. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years. said the geniee.. "it was wonderful but how old is your . they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. The couple got worried." Then Adam asked. "Done".

he finds a house and breaks into it. I don't hate your relatives.. Be strong. "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. all from men saying "You can have mine. "Daddy. A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too." MARRIAGE IS." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. "Listen. While tying the girl up to the bed. As he runs away. the husband tells his wife. could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. "I don't know son. kisses her on the neck. A husband expects his wife to be perfect. too.. A . don't complain. then gets up. I'm still paying for it. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. If he wants sex. this guy is an escaped prisoner.xxvii husband?" "Why. just to break the monogamy. he'll kill us. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. he gets on top of her. don't resist. "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees"." To which the wife responds. and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. if he gets angry. I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. I love you. right up just below her bikini line." A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. but long enough to cover the bare essentials. just give him satisfaction.. In fact. A husband said to his wife. I love you. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. and goes to the bathroom. He told me he was gay. how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied. look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail. A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting. As the woman is getting dressed to leave. "If you don't mind. honey. "He was not kissing my neck. he is just thirty five" "My god ". looking for money and guns. A son asked his father. "No. and hasn't seen a woman in years. While he's in there. the tattoo artist says. Be strong." CHRISTMAS TATOO A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh. and to understand why he's not. said the geniee. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. honey. but only finds a young couple in bed." A man needs a mistress. thought you were cute. just do what he tells you.. ESCAPED PRISONER A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. I saw how he kissed your neck. He was whispering in my ear. This guy must be dangerous.

"And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied. it's curtains! It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job. I married Miss Right. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. Before marriage. But she broke it off. "Yes. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. I keep the house. The rest cheat in Europe. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle. A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets. to a contortionist. I'm an excellent housekeeper. I caught her in my arms. a man yearns for the woman he loves. it cuts off your circulation." After a quarrel. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. but I was in love and didn't notice. As she hears the wedding march. Before we got married. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. After marriage. [I'll alter him!] Bachelor: A guy who believes in life. A woman was telling her friend.. would you go to lunch or to a movie? In marriage. I just didn't know her first name was Always. he still ends up with the . I was a fool when I married you. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose. "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. liberty. hymn. the 'Y' becomes silent. if there's a phone handy. I was engaged myself once. but for the groom. a wife said to her husband.. and then it was too late. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting." The friend asked.. and the happiness of pursuit. "You know. I should have asked for a jury. "A multi-millionaire. If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say.xxviii successful woman is one who can find such a man.. Every time I get a divorce. talk in your sleep. the bride gets a shower. Now I catch her in my pockets. Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink." The husband replied. I was married by a judge. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. altar. dear." Always talk to your wife while you're making love.

Marry not a tennis player. Marriage is a great institution. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. and all night he was on her and off her.xxix same boss. Marriage is bliss. My wife ran off with my best friend last week.. for love means nothing to them. I miss him! My wife submits and I obey. Marriage is not a word. so does insanity. 4 better. Woman: Rules the rooster. wedding ring. Some mornings I wake up grouchy. and some mornings I just let her sleep. the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriage is grand. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriage means commitment. Ergo. I drowned her in a cask of rum. She offered her honor. Man: Rules the roost. My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat. Of course. Man is incomplete until he is married. she always lets me have her way. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.. Love thy neighbor. Ignorance is bliss.. Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer. in better spirits night and day. After that he is finished. It's a give-and-take marriage... Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring. and so made sure that she would stay. he honored her offer. Gosh. My darling wife was always glum. and suffering. 4 poorer.. He gives and she takes. 4 worse! The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for . but make sure her husband is away first. and divorce is about 10 grand.. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

his hand on his gun. didn't he?". Wind down your car window 3. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride. try-weakly They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage. Retrieve card. The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him. The chief says: "Well. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. I don't have a licence. by the way". The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding. I've had enough of worse. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence". they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk. Wind up window 7. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut.xxx dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. let's try better for a while!" BETTER NOT PULL HER OVER A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop. The woman answers: "Oh no. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am. to step back and see where his wife is wrong. Drive up to cash machine 2. i'm soory ma'am. try-weekly. this is not my car. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. The officer replies: "That is serious. Drive off. Wife says. The woman answers: "Oh.. officer. the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.. Re-start stalled engine 4. "Honey. may i see your licence please? you were speeding". cash and receipt 6. The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly. the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. Give me the car's registration forms. there is nothing there. 2. The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk. The woman walks out. His body is in the trunk. Wind down the window . The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car. When backup comes. please". I stole it from my boss after i killed him. ATM MACHINE How to use an ATM machine MALE PROCEDURE 1.". as ordered. i don't know what to say. it is love. Drive up to cash machine. please open it". after marriage it is self-defense. The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?". Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. He says to her: "Ma'am. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says.. Enter amount of cash required 15. Re-empty handbag. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12. Re-insert card the right way up 11. locate card holder and place card into the slot provided 24. schreeches her car into the driveway. you've been by my side when I was in that car crash. Reverse back to cash machine 22. "I couldn't care less. Enter PIN 13. you were there when I lost my job. Retrieve card 23. remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. Retrieve cash and receipt 17..xxxi 5. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7. He appeared to be deep in thought. slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs." she replied. Drive forward two metres 21. Release hand brake WINNING THE LOTTERY A woman gets home. "Yes I do. Attempt to insert card into machine 8. pack your bags. Man: Honey. "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack... just get the hell out!" LOVING WIFE A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside 18." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. Re-check make-up 25. you were present when my parents died.. "Honey. beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN 14. Find handbag.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" . Place receipt in back of cheque book 19. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. Drive for 3 .and you know what? Wife: What? Man: I think you're bad luck. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account. Re-start stalled engine and move off 26.. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. 20 YEARS A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. just staring at the wall. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. Re-check make-up again 20. runs into the house.4 miles 27. Insert card 10. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16.

" the doctor continued. the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. smelling like expensive perfume. Married women come home. $150 an ounce!" About three floors later. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph. see whats in bed and go to the fridge. Weeks later the old lady returned. PERFUME A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator. "Madam. She left the doctor's office quickly." ARSENIC A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says. what do you want with arsenic?" The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband. 5." POWDER VIAGRA This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. When you are giving him coffee. Crush the Viagra into a powder." The doctor smiled and said.Beverly Hills." The old lady was delighted. I didn't realise you had a prescription. "Ah. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again. "Chanel No. the pharmacist says. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned." "Did it not work?" "Yes. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years. "Terribly. "let me suggest something. see whats in the fridge and go to bed." HOW MUCH? A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership." the old lady said. She shook her head. turns. Horrified. "Broccoli . "Well. doctor. "Giorgio . The man is her husband. "It worked. "Doctor. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said. I haven't had sex for years now. the pharmacist asks. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes. Everything checked out fine." she claimed." MARRIED WOMEN Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home." she said.xxxii "Yes I do". she replied. takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter." "Then what is the problem. " You know I would have gotten out today. Surprised. The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods. and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive. He won't notice a thing. As she bends to feel the fine . "Madam. and farts. madam. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. bends over. $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume.49 cents a pound. ma'am?" "Well. I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The woman reaches into her handbag. then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly. terribly. She browses around. "Doctor. stir it into the coffee and serve it.

I'm a woman. He sits in the living room with the father. if there is a miscarriage. The man asks. the father..000 bank account. crying. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.xxxiii leather upholstery. 2 townhouses. the mother says. a mature and distinguished man. the woman says. because the gunshot scared the other birds away.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores. It's a bad one. she .000 each. "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies. Wow. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Good day. Madame.000. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. how many birds are left.. just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. As she turns back. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued." At this point. and tells them: "Good morning. but I'll take charge. Very worried. "And look at this. your daughter has informed me of the problem. with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He answered none. and hands it back to the man. If it is twins. that's interesting. The woman takes the bottle. a beach villa and a $1." PREGNANT A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. you are going to SHIT when you hear the price. "Sir. immediately puts the cap back on.000 bank account. and a $1. However." The man replied. If a boy is born. cursing. "So you're a man. Shouting. Very embarrassed.000. However. "Madame. there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. a factory and $500. a loud fart escapes her. After they crawl out of their cars. The man shakes his head in agreement. my legacy will be a couple of factories.." Then she hands the bottle to the man. here's another miracle. "No. who had remained silent all this time. the mother and the girl. "I agree with you completely.. the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house.opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.. places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it. I think I'll just wait for the police" WILD THINKING A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them. she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers. "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

. the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish." he explained. what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back. a tiger in my bed. which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said. but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for. he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce. Upon hearing this. her husband at last removed his underwear. I’d like to give birth to twins. before she can do this.” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. The first wish was for a billion dollars. "Let me guess. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. “For my last wish. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie."I like the way you think. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. "oh really. his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore." The bride was satisfied with this explanation." she said." he answered. and a jackass to pay for all of it ILLNESSES A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. one is biting the ice cream. the one with the wedding ring." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. “No problem. But. thinking that this is hardly fair. "No. As the undressing continued. the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her.xxxiv answered back. But. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees. and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.. but she makes her first wish. and they continued undressing." FOUR ANIMALS A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals." He answered."No. The disease only affected my toes. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. In an instant it was granted. When the bridegroom removed his socks. he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. his new wife asked. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had folio as a child. "No. BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK. Smallcox?" REVENGE A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. The woman is steaming mad. and the other is sucking the ice cream. "Don't tell me. kneasles. tolio. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach.” . I also had kneasles. one is licking the ice cream. the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "You mean polio?" she asked. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. a Jaguar in the garage. They opened the champagne and began undressing. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. "You mean measles?" she asked."The one that is sucking the ice cream. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child. When the groom took off his pants."Ewww .

as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. Okay.xxxv MARRIAGE A woman is in bed with her lover. remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. and as they had not been dating very long. The aged and withered hand. With labored breath. “Hello? Oh. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. gripping the railing with both hands. he leaned against the door frame. he would have thought himself already in heaven: there. They make love for hours. “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!” SWEETHEART PRESENT A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. If it had not been for your sister. while they’re just lying there. who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister. “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies. I am so happy for you. In death's agony. and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Without checking the contents. He gathered his remaining strength. Bye." A DYING MAN'S COOKIES An elderly man lay dying in his bed. and afterwards. he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic. seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort. but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. she picks up the receiver. Since it’s the woman’s house. When you take them off. During the wrapping. gazing into the kitchen. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife. seemingly bringing him back to life. landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. bye. Her lover looks over at her and listens. he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. hi. but not too personal. I’m so glad that you called. only hearing her side of the conversation. All my Love" "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. he threw himself toward the table. and lifted himself from the bed. Really? That’s wonderful. His parched lips parted. That sounds terrific. when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his . shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. the phone rings. Leaning against the wall. he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Were it not for death's agony. Great! Thanks.These are a delicate shade. but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

Ok. "Use more soap on panties. that is your last wish. she goes to look for it. whatever you get. ok. the woman did as she was instructed. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. "they're for the funeral. "Oh my God. Dr. what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. the woman sending the same note to the laundry. and she hits her ball in the woods. but now your husband is ten times richer. Whats his is mine. So she frees it. it says. You are the most beatiful woman.you haf Ed Zachary Disease." The woman did as she was told." USE MORE SOAP A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. Dr. take off all you crose. and it says. Fine. dat why you not haf sex or dates. OK. I want to be the richest woman in the world. whats mine is his. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says. your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. fine. she says. she's gorgeous. it says. and intead finds a frog in a trap. Chang then said. the well known Chinese sex therapist. forgot to tell you." Terrified. Dr. this lady is golfing. The frog then says." So she did. Chang said. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack ED ZACHARY A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. "Stay out of those. the frog says." she said. . "Use more paper on ass DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN One day. So she went to see him. Suddenly. worse case I ever see. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Thats ok. So. He only has eyes for me. Chang. get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room. now craw reery reery fass back to me. Chang.xxxvi wife. Dr. "OK. Hey.. "OK. Thats ok she says. "Now." Again. "Your probrem vewy bad . so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said.Chang slowly shook his head and said. Upon entering the examination room." This goes on for several weeks. Ok. Sorry. she say. Whats your second wish? it asks her. the woman asked. the frog asks.

Frankly. Leroy went inside and knelt down." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Leroy looked deep down in his heart. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. The receptionist says. but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. "Well. TEST RESULTS Mr. Dear Jesus. Leroy Now. threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. "I'm sorry. "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies." Mr Smith exclaims. Dear Jesus. it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well. She said. the samples from another Mrs. Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest. You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. looking around not knowing what he should really do. "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home." FEMALE AT DIFFERENT AGES What's the difference between female at the ages of 8. You tell her a story and take her to bed. "Well Leroy. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab. Leroy finally got . You stay in bed all day to avoid her story. "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies. 28. We cannot tell which is your wife. He crumpled up the letter. Leroy Well. Your Truly. so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied. which by the way was what his mother really wanted. sir. Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat).xxxvii what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Your Friend. that's either bad or terrible. I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's." THE SINS OF LEROY Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. 38. She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 18. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Smith says. one Mrs." Mr. I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. so he tore it up and tried again. 48 and 58? 08 18 28 38 48 58 You take her to bed and tell her a story. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. Dear Jesus. "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass. don't go to bed with her.

give me a bike! Sincerely. "good. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes. but was pleased for her daughter. I've got your mama.. flipped through the pages. 3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. He went home. but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar." 3 WOMEN IN A BAR. the prick is on the inside!!!! THE COFFIN This guy died with an erection. Mom fainted. King Size". seven days a week. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye. hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. till the last drop". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine. she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. Another week went by and still nothing. fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. She was again slightly embarrassed. The first woman says. The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bars tool. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". SIMPLE DIVISION A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.. THE PORCUPINE & THE PORSCHE! What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche??? With a Porsche."mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!" the second woman replies with. Mom waited for a week nothing. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: . she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. Mom was puzzled at first.xxxviii up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. They were all getting married within a short time period. and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". both ways". Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". after a whole month. Mom blushed. If you ever want to see her again. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard."that's nothing. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists up there". It said. The ad said: "Three times a day. You know who VIRGIN BRIDES A mother had 3 virgin daughters. but still happy for her daughter. Jesus. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding. Then. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. She bent over and said. a card finally arrived.

I was under the impression that: • • • it had never been occupied. "Stick it through that curtain. Before he left. "Holy shit. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. because when I rented the apartment. Without looking up. Obviously very unstable on her feet. she waves him over to the examination bed and says. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support. calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT. and that it was entirely too large. "Yes we do. the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.xxxix Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done. replied the drunk. A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. the girl immediately returned the check for $250. I didn't know you had a minimum!". however." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam. replies: "Yes we do have dildos. she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. well into her eighties. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: . I found out that it had been previously occupied. Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. I am not sending the amount agreed upon. Last night. that there wasn't any heat." Looking forward to something kinky. he told her that he did not have any cash with him. lady. Upon receipt of the note. that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Actually we carry many models. politely trying not to burst out laughing. tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds. she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?" The clerk. but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her. The Elderly Have Fun Too A little old lady." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" A Lease On Love A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.

Nobody actually reads Playboy. Love our mothers. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. there is plenty of it. in fact. you need not bother suggesting that we stop. Hair jokes are not funny. turned to the word "koala" and showed her. "Has sex and gets paid. She said. ever. Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not." 50 Revised Rules for Women These rules will hopefully help women understand men: SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. constitute going out to dinner. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle. and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. As for the heat. the koala borrowed her dictionary. This is a great time to pay bills. put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. if you know how to turn it on. If we see you in the morning and at night. Tori Amos. no one. Regarding the space. Overall. The Koala Bear Defined A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. the prostitute yelled. you need not go much further than the Gap.xl First of all. Unlike you. J. but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it. I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. . Love our sisters. he was curious and excited. "Eats bush and leaves. why call us at work? Hangovers are never our fault. Since he had never been with one before. we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. no matter what. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do. Butthead is the smart one. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle. what about my money?" The koala turned. has been in worse shape." Finally understanding. "Come here". Even if we are miserable pigs. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. we can cook better than you. The Three Stooges are funny. "Hey. Crew or the local Patagonia store. it better be good. They spent the night together in a hotel. Therefore. Thus. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? Briefs are a no-no. so if you make dinner. and we deserve sympathy. the apartment is indeed of regular size. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition. you'll have a tough time showing causality. but you should humor us anyway. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs. please do not blame the landlady. As he was heading for the door.

you can't have the remote control. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Golf is a sport. but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld. Even if you think he's cute. Nobody knows why this happens You could pay for dinner every now and then. Shaquille O'Neal. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. Of course. drink coffee and chat. don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown. Hilary Clinton. smoking cigars and picking out the beer. yard work.xli Really. Socks never constitute a gift. watching anything on TBS. so make up your mind. in fact. Michael Jordan. Just accept that. Too much of anything can diminish its value. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. tires or sporting equipment nearby. Teemu Selanne. A new tie costs less than $30. We rank fish above cats. We don't know anything about handbags. in advance. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen. We can get the Sunday paper and read it. Let us pick out our own ties. They died anyway. and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon. If we just spent $400 on a new suit. we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. cleaning. We do care what you think. there are always some speakers. neither can Elle McPherson. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. We cannot do both. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza. shower curtains or handbags. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not. really love our dogs. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship. and we don't like to say it very often." Curley is the bald one. and grocery shopping. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. or we can cuddle. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. Cats are not. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley. Two tickets to a ball game are even better (reference rule No. . Don't even ask. We do love you." Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword. We did water the plants. We don't love many people. approved pets for men. playing cards. the dishes. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are. Kevin Costner can't act.

she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. not at all disturbed. As he does this he says to the woman. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. Enlightened." Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's dick Pussy or Bitch After playing on the playground at school. he went to his mother. Confused. Puzzled at what they meant. ever leave us alone." she says. a case of beer. I love the taste. Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. "You're getting herpes. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on. what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. He immediately tells her to undress. "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. which is why I came here in the first place. Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality. "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities. he then asked him.xlii Wear our clothes out in public. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. never. and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God." "That's right. "Everything outside of the circle. Things a perfect woman would say I'll swallow it all . little Tommy then went to his father. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again. "Yes. "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes. in front of our friends and in front of yours.. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. Physical Exam A beautiful.if I don't get to blow you soon. what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs." replies the doctor. ." says the woman. a few joints. "Mom. He says to her." says the doctor. You can make a man come without calling him. voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist." she says. You can bury a bone without digging a hole. "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. He then begins to fondle her breasts." "That is correct. what do ya say we get a good porno movie. I swear I'm gonna bust! ." 3 best things about being a woman The best three things for being a women are: You can bleed without cutting yourself. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret. . "Dad.

I make enough money for the both of us. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. I'll take the car to have the oil changed. Do me a favor. why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. "Pretty much the way you do. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya. "Well. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. With each slap of his forehead.our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too." she says." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Martian Lovin' The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. I'll be out painting the house.. Maureen brings up the subject of sex. it's a wonderful stress reliever. weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick." he says. his member grows until it's quite impressively long. not the fucking mall again. The Martian responds. I understand fully. With each pull. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Honey." he says. He's got only a teeny. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market. "Why?" he asks. "That's quite impressive. "What's the matter?" "Well. No. let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. etc. "I don't think this is going to work. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. now stop getting up for the night feedings. and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's. and starts pulling his ears. You go hunting with the guys. Your mother did a great job raising you.. if they have laptop computers. his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the . come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen. but it is still narrow.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ. Finally." "No problem. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem." she replies.. No." says Maureen.xliii I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. You need your sleep ya big silly. how they make money.

"Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes. So the little boy left it at that. . As they walk along. 4.We haven't been to the mall in ages. you know. I just want to be held." They asked the woman. as they fell into bed and made mad. Bruce. The boy remarks. 6. and this time he asks. . Young Urban Professional. you know.. get a whiff of that one! 6.. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. 3.I think we are lost.I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow. 5. Etc. "Well.That chick on "Murder. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again.. The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE.I'm absolutely wrong. Double Income No Kids..Wow.This diamond is way too big. 2. Iron. How about you?" "It was horrible.I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9." he replies. 8.xliv woman.Hey. 3. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. She Wrote" gives me a woody. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE.. Fuck." 1. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10.Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. "but it was pretty wonderful." Wife Acronym Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. It's easier for me to douche that way." The second guy says "I'm a DINK." says Maureen.Sure.Sometimes.Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. 9.. 4. "all I got was a headache. . Wash. 7..I think hairy butts are really sexy. you must be right! 7. let's watch "Murphy Brown. mom. we'd better pull over and ask directions.let's go shopping so I can hold your purse. 5. I would love to wear a condom. THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10.she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth. passionate love. "Wow!" she exclaims.." Making Fish Stix One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing..the holes in the armpits are just too cute. it really is 14 inches.Her tits are just way too big.Please don't throw that old T-shirt away.While I'm up. Mike asks "Well..Fuck Monday night football. can I get you a beer? 8.you know.

Does this make my butt look too small? 1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I was curious about it. I prayed for it. Don't worry. You're ugly. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach. I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat. I forgot about it.. . Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.I'm wrong. You.' So. Guys have feelings too. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand. I enjoyed it. whipped cream.. Remember my name . one using a cane. completely undressed himself and buried in the sand. except for his 'thingie. • • • • • • When I was 20. I rely on them. And your point is..' which he left sticking out. Any questions? Do NOT start with me. He went to the beach. me. handcuffs. Now. I did it right the first time. One day. "There's no justice in the world.xlv 2. When I was 30.. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. You KNOW you want me.... When I was 50. All stressed out and no one to choke. Of course I don't look busy. It'll only seem kinky the first time. so please SHUT UP. Have a nice day. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day.you'll be screaming it later. Please don't make me kill you. You will NOT win. remarking to the other lady. When I was 60. I hate everybody. When I was 40. I'm busy.. he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing. You have the right to remain silent. he decided to do something about it. she began to move it around with her cane. I paid for it. I used to be schizophrenic. But like. I asked for it. and you're next. YOU MUST be right! Growing Wild There was a man who really took care of his body. but we're ok now. Women's T-shirts Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies." The other lady asked what she meant. who cares? I don't believe in miracles. When I was 70.

The first one said. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself. he would never go for this carrying on. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. She said. cheap and easy." A Good date These three women were roommates. I'm not. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. He made her promise not to touch the . If we are what we eat. she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. put it over her cigarette. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear 2 Old Ladies & A Condom Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. I have a surprise for dinner tonight. Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. "Doesn't matter. the telephone rang. and continued smoking. So." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. All the way home she putt-putted. you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is. "Darling." The third one said nothing. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom. she stopped at the diner and before she knew it. removed her panties and threw them against the wall." she replies. where they stuck. cut off the end." The next day. but reached under her skirt." The second one said. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. "No. " He is such a sweet and gentle man. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. after all. "as long as it fits a Camel." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. I'm fast. in her 80s). On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk. how can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. One of the ladies pulled out a condom. "Now THAT'S a good date. she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. but politely asks what brand she prefers. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore. "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up. Baked Beans On Your Birthday Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.xlvi I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly.

He then went to answer the phone. he removed the blindfold. "Damn. When I got home. I blew chunks. smiling contentedly to herself. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? . move into the castle with mum. while the princess dined on frogs legs. bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. "You think that was drunk? Hell. I was the drunkest by far. It was not only loud. the first girl spoke out again. she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin.. she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. At this point. she laughed to herself and thought : "I don't fucking think so". I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. and you can prepare my meals. they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. "I drove straight home and walked into the house. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom. she went on like this for another ten minutes. and she assured him that she had not. Then. and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!! A beautiful fairy tale Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. Apologizing for taking so long. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest. As soon as I got through the door.. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. The next day. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. clean my clothes. Then. saying. but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.xlvii blindfold until he returned. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. "Listen girls. placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. Chunks is my Dog!!" One-Liners Of Women Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. knocked a candle over. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. Who Was More Drunk? Three women had a very late night drinking. and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. he asked her if she peeked." The second said. That night. which reminded her of cabbage cooking. I got into a big fight with my husband. so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity. I don't think you understand. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room.

"Doctor. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. As a matter of fact. but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you. they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. but now my farts. but few are blind. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. "Doctor I have this problem with gas." she says. Why do women have periods? They deserve them. "Good. stink terribly!" The doctor says. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. Gas Problem A little old lady goes to the doctor and says. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.xlviii Its Braille for "suck here". take these pills and come back to see me next week. let's work on . What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck. "I don't know what you gave me. Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. "I see. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. The next week the lady goes back to his office. although still silent. what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid." The doctor says. Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

"You have one more wish. and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful. that you want me to do. appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella was stunned. what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said. "I bet you regret having me neutered now. I have decided to grant you three wishes. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. wholesome life since we last met. what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body. extremely sexy. "Oh thank you. with a cat called Alan for companionship. out of nowhere. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. "I'll do anything. watching the world go by from her front porch. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke." Magically. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. her old faithful cat. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is overjoyed. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella. handsome. Cinderella. Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied. her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. she was gone. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. whispered. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. that when complete he stood before her. don't you? Risky Proposition A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall." Watch What You Ask For Cinderella was now 75 years old. and said. "Congratulations. and her beautiful youthful visage returned." Instantly. One sunny afternoon. Cinderella said. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother. Cinderella. Cinderella sat. He leaned in close to her ear. the young man said to her. young man entered.xlix your hearing. For a few eerie moments. "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. Enjoy your new life. no . jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch. since you have lived a good. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. breathless. "It's the least I can do. with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. The Fairy Godmother again spoke." At once. quivering with fear. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. a boy. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. and held her close in his young muscular arms." And. "Well. Alan. and handsome young man. absolutely anything. her wish became reality.

" Flabbergasted.of a male and a female. he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.. er." The woman turns pale.. vivacious young woman.. The bartender says. "Well. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." the doctor said. what's that???" The doctor says. because his bride was a healthy. but your baby is a little bit different. then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. Doctor? What's wrong??" The doctor says. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. now. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly.. buddy. A businessman enters a tavern." That Nagging.. and orders a double martini on the rocks.. the woman asked what the condition was. "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?" When She Starts To Look Good." The woman sits up in bed and says. on one condition.. the doctor comes in. "A hermaphrodite. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. "Look. Sagging Feeling Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.. she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be." The man replies.. withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills. "Well.. "Clean my house. and he says. After he finishes the drink.. then I know it's time to go home." A Penis And What??? A woman gives birth to a baby. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him.. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. "On a woman. "What's wrong with my baby. The young man replied. After he finishes that one. I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. it means your baby has the. nothing's wrong. and afterwards." Later that night." The woman considered his proposition for a moment. "your heart would be just below your left breast. which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said. When she starts to look good. features. sits down at the bar. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed.l matter how kinky. exactly.. . for $100.. she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife." The woman says. She says. Wedding Night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. "I have to tell you something about your baby. he peeks inside his shirt pocket.

Do you understand?" His new bride smiled sweetly and said. I guess I'm not the right man for the job. a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait." The man got a shocked look on his face and said. "Of course. there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. with no hassle from you. The clerk looked really concerned. On their honeymoon. step by step. the bride came down the main staircase slowly." said the CIA man. "Inside this room. the next morning. After sending some applicants through the background checks.li But lo and behold. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. She approached a woman at the airport and asked.." The Rules A macho man married a beautiful young thing. Take this gun and kill her. That's fine. Take this gun and kill her. she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position." The second man looked a bit shocked. After the war. "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well. honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned. but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. you will find your wife sitting in a chair. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. hanging onto the banister for dear life. then the door opened. These highly classified positions are hard to fill. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes." they explained. with no hassle from you. he laid down the rules. "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied. hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. "Whatever happened to you. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair." they explained to the second man. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clockwhether you're here or not!" Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job A few months ago. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or cardplaying or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to. "Land mines. All was quiet for about five minutes. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. with no hassle from you.. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years. training and testing. I thought he meant his money!!" Traditional Roles Blown Away Several years before the Gulf War. And I'll come home anytime I want to. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here." . but only one position was available. "you're definitely not the right man for this job then. Those are my rules. dear. "I tried to shoot her.

to death with the chair!" This Place Stinks A family took their frail. hoping she would be well cared for. clearly out of breath. Then they heard screaming. but then the drawbridge got stuck. Before the door even closed all the way. Take your wife and go the hell home. crashing. This went on for several minutes." No Way Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Jones?" he asked sarcastically." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Later. fed her a tasty breakfast. Thompson's helicopter. the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. After many rings. but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair." said the boss. Take this gun and kill him. but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side." The woman took the gun and opened the door. banging on the walls. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S. Jones. landed on top of Radio City Music Hall. "Except they won't let me fart." Ask Another Doctor The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. Rather than let you down.ran out to the airport. one shot after another. "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning. "So Ma. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. She got ready in ten minutes. his wife." she replied. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. The next morning. my suit's still damp -. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." Jones sighed. Boss. and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. the man angrily yelled to his wife." the CIA man replied. got a ride on Mr. The door opened slowly. This is your final test.O. The wife decided to drive me to the station. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. for 13 shots. and there stood the woman." "You'll have to do better than that. answered the phone. I swam across the river -. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. he decided he'd better make amends and called home. the CIA heard the gun start firing. how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice. She seemed okay. the nurses bathed her.lii "No.B. As he stormed out of the house. elderly mother to a nursing home and left her. Again she seemed okay. then all went quiet.look. "Everything went wrong this morning. "You don't have what it takes. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. obviously disappointed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion . Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. This went on all morning.

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