FEMINIST PROTEST A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow." VIBRATING HUSBAND A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." ANOTHER An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai. The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!" DISGRACING THE FAMILY There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;


you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." CANARIES Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on Mother Of Six

FATHER OF SIX CHILDREN A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." TRIP TO EUROPE A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.


"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry". STAYING YOUNG Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" DATING YOUNG The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" GOLFING WITH THE WIFE A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.


"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" FREE MEAT It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face. WHAT DAY IT IS Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" COLD HANDS Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,”‘ Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?” ACCIDENTAL TOUCH A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." DIFFICULT QUESTION A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."


"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'" HAPPY GORRILA It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, Loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . " AUNT KAREN'S MORAL The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed

. and yells back: "Sure." His friend said." "Good heavens. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day. so I'm stuck. thanked me. yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" TATOO GIFT It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. any way she wants it." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey. this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. surprised. "You must be a dentist... she can afford to buy anything she wants. The next day at the bar his friend said." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. "Easy. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen." One thing led to another ." DATING A DENTIST A guy and a girl meet at a bar.. that's some 10 times a month. the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. and he said. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets." Adam replied. A few drinks later. "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday ." said the horrified teacher.vi right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen. and besides. The girl watches him and says." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs. kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes. once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!" 60 MINUTES PRESENT Adam was talking to his friend at the bar. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up . every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now. I did. says "Yes . this bull reproduced 60 times last year. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison." The guy. how did you figure that out?" The girl says. She'll probably be thrilled. "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking" REPRODUCING BULL A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon.." After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!.she has everything. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. you keep washing your hands. "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex.

." she replies.. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. then at the single flickering candle. I think your husband will regain his health completely. I sure am a great dentist. Try to be pleasant in general. A couple of days later. then down at her hands. so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die. If you don't do the following.. the mystic delivered grave news. And most importantly. As she takes off her blouse. "Oh. he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Easy. the husband asked his wife. the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on. In a dark and hazy room. and asked her question. Don't burden him with chores. peering into a crystal ball.'." The guy.the doctor called the wife into his office alone. but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. "Yes. that doesn't mean we're not . For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. I didn't feel a thing!" DEAD HUSBAND A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. As she takes off her blouse. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months. he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. How did you figure that out?" The girl says. ADVICE FOR WOMEN Advice From Men To Women. even when we make love. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. another girl comes in for a checkup. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. As she takes off her blouse. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor... He said. as he probably had a hard day. She simply had to know. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Will I be found guilty?" LETTERS OF LOVE A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.." "Each morning. "You must be a great dentist. "Oh. the girl says. now with a boosted ego says. On the way home. fix him a healthy breakfast. another girl comes in for a checkup.. Why do you ask?" BAD SHAPE A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. it will only make his stress worse. even when we make love. the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face. A couple of days later. your husband will surely die. She met the fortune teller's gaze. my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt. Don't discuss your problems with him. After his checkup. "No." Visibly shaken." she replies.vii and they make love. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. steadied her voice. combined with horrible stress." she replied. After they were done. my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt. and make sure he stays in a good mood. "There's no easy way to say this.. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.

"Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???" The nun giggles and replies.. "Pardon me.. Still. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. ma'am. what seems to be the rush???" The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water. St Peter asks the next nun the same question. but I think your husband just slid under the table. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. Please don't drive when you're not driving." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly.... When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister.. I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!" MAGIC CURE Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. He asks the first nun." The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well I once fondled and stroked one. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated.. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first.. In fact. he just walked in the front door. When the waiter asks if everything's okay. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.. she came over to the table and said to the woman. dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. He's just not crying. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding. . "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. "Well... Tell them we don't want one. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis." PURIFYING WATER A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish..viii watching it. After the waitress finished taking the order. waiting for the punchline. Big difference!. once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned." St Peter says OK.... Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Mary appeared calm and unruffled.Peter. He did not. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.. "Oh. no." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.. St Peter says.... a simple 'Yes' is fine. Their waitress. UNDER THE TABLE John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. taking another order at a table a few paces away.. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

"Yes. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . "In the lake.I don't like to interrupt her. She called and said. -." I said. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. dear.Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. "Where's the car?" She said. I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is. ." -.Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. The man replies.Erma Bombeck After a quarrel." You're a brave woman said the dentist. "You know.ix but he agrees to do it. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. -.Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. I should have asked for a jury. -. The Wife said. Long ago. -.George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. I am a forgiving woman. "I dont know. -..Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." SOME MARRIAGE'S INSIGHTS My wife dresses to kill. it is no secret at all. Then we met.I think she choked. I was a fool when I married you. -. Now. She cooks the same way. a wife said to her husband.Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. "I want a tooth pulled. dear." The husband replied. Stay up and fight.Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. Actually.. "There was water in the carburetor. but I was in love and didn't notice. -.Milton Berle I was married by a judge." When a man steals your wife. Show me which tooth it is." AT THE DENTIST A man and wife entered a dentist's office. -.

Now one of the women just doesn't believe it. if you can really grant wishes. "He's a midget!" CAUSE FOR UNREST In the beginning.. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. one of the largest department store chains.x My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why." says the genie "You don't know what you're asking.Q. anything?" But no matter what the genie said. I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish." The genie looks at her and says: "You know. I want you to increase my I." "Please. but I really wish you'd reconsider. than double my I." And she became a man. times five. QUESTION OF HEIGHT A man walks up to a woman in his office each day. and if you don't do it. I won't set you free. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says. RELIGIOUS TITS A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. and still think they are beautiful.. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies..Q. Then God created woman.Q.. and says: "Ok. The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends. Then God created man and rested. draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. etc. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.a million dollars." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics. the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.Q... neither God nor man has rested BRAIN'S CHANGE RESULT Three women are out shopping at an antique shop.Q.." Suddenly. So the genie sighed and said: "Done. stands very close to her. They stumble upon an unusual lamp.it'll change your entire view on the universe." The genie says: "Done.won't you ask for something else. God created earth and rested." The genie says: "Done." The woman says: "Nope. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut. . the woman insisted on having her I.. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Since then. increased by five times it's usual power. So I got two girlfriends. that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I. The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I. chemistry.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines. smooth and sophisticated. put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.xi 'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around. and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. I merely sat behind him on the horse. When they arrived in Bartlesville. "Indians ride bareback. yelled one final. A HUMAN CAR PERFORMANCE Three women were talking about their love lives. there are really only three types of bras. even with all of this variety. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type. "Nothing. and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." the attendant said. "Mine is like a Porsche. size color and material.' replied the salesclerk." ." KUWEIT WEDDING A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. fast and powerful. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station. 'Actually. "Mine is like an old Chevy. "This is marvelous. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. as she showed a sea of bras in every shape." RIDING WITH AN INDIAN A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. Salvation Army type. "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce. The Catholic type supports the masses. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. The first said." said the journalist. the. and the Baptist type.' said the saleslady. the man asked what were the types." The second said." "Lady. "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant." The third said. Confused. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.

' So up she went again. Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs. Tony took off his socks. When she got up in the bedroom. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.' says his mother. 'Mama. 'Mama. until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. LOST BALL . watch the watch.' 'Don't worry Maria. 'All good men have hairy chests." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. she ran downstairs. Tony's a good man. " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. "Watch the watch. she announced. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.' says the mother. Tony's got a big hairy chest. 'Tony's a good man. Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. All good men have hairy legs. When Maria saw this. "Shit" said the hypnotist. Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. breaking into a hundred pieces. Tony's got a foot-and-a-half. Its been in my family for six generations. while staying at her mother's house. 'So. up she went again. watch the watch. When she got upstairs.. 'This is a job for Mama!' HYPNOTIST ERROR It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. Mama.' So up she went. It's a very special watch. Mama. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. she was nervous. So. on her wedding night. He'll take good care of you. Maria.. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. Mama. Don't worry Maria..xii ITALIAN VIRGIN Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.' says the mother. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta.' 'Don't worry. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. 'Mama. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. When she got up there. But her mother reassured her. light gleaming off its polished surface. Go upstairs.

I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. Well. Alan. and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. and held her close in his muscular arms. he was a boy. what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella.. became reality.stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Cinderella sat. and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.. her wish having been desired. out of nowhere. 'I wish you to transform my old cat. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again. who was now quivering in the corner with fear. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish.. .. appeared the Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do.. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback. there was my wife's golf ball.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. this looks like yours!" CINDERELLA'S WISHES Cinderella was now 75 years old. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. said the man. she was gone. That's when I made my mistake. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife. "Hey.xiii A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. since you have lived a good. and sure enough. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.' At once. One sunny afternoon. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up. Cinderella was stunned.. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella.' Magically.. what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan. We went to look for it. with a cat called Alan for companionship. overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. breathless. that when he stoof before her. Well. watching the world go by from her front porch. I walked over and lifted up the tail.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. For a few moments. it was like this. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. wholesome life since we last met. into a beautiful and handsome young man. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you.

" "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms. Today. With his dummy on his knee. This is a special day for me. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob. They clink glasses and he asks. "I'm a chicken farmer. "You stay out of this. but today they're finally fertile. "All of these years. After fifteen years." COINCIDENCE A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died. how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died. and all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise." "This is a special day for me." THE VENTRILOQUIST A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. "What a coincidence. and the blonde yells." "That's great. FACE LIFT A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. too!" He turns to her and says. everything has been working just fine. but women in general." says the man. and orders a glass of champagne. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks." says the man.xiv He leant close to her ear. 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now. he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes." says the woman. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes. the woman wanted "The Knob. how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "What a coincidence. and into her ear breathed as much as whispered. my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First." where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift." he replies. "What a coincidence. I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of . For years all my hens were infertile." "Oh. takes a seat at the bar next to a woman. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne. I'm celebrating." Over the course of the years." "Oh. "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child." "He died of a broken neck. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person." says the woman. the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. too.mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee. don't you?' FOURTH HUSBAND A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. The woman perks up and says. and I'm also celebrating." she said. Of course.

First floor The door had a sign saying. she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.." She continues huskily. but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. "Very tempting. "Well. help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. mercy me. and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm. love kids.Plumber?” . "But. Fifth floor The sign on that door said." She sighed and said." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him. The only rule was. you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. she begins to gently caress his cheek. "These men have jobs and love kids. "What do I look like."No" he replies." The doctor looked at her closely and said. never to return. Mr. are extremely good looking. "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.xv them. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands. The exit is to your left. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes." said the ladies.. "I'm afraid I can’t." "Wow." But there was another floor. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives." GET ME THE MANAGER A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment." WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. I need you to give him a message.. love kids and help with the housework. "These men have high paying jobs. you HAD to choose a man from that floor. now softly stroking his face with both hands." they cried. "Honey.. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said. "Are you the owner?" she asks." "Oh. "I''m just the manager. running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair." She asks." The women read the sign and said. so further up they went.. "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Second floor The sign read. that's better than not having a job or not loving kids." said the women." MEN SUPER STORE Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. love kids. you know. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Those aren't bags. if you went up a floor. I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee . which is slowly turning a crimson red. When he does so. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs. It was laid out in five floors." breathes the manager clearly aroused. those are your breasts. there is. once you opened the door to any floor." he''s in the back doing taxes right now. are extremely good looking. "These men have high paying jobs. "Well. I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read.

but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks. SM: So. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard. You go that way and I'll go this way. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. She was thrilled with the speed. Another couple of weeks go by. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl. Betty Crocker? NAKED ACCIDENT A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. He cannot follow us both. no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. how come there aren't any more leaks. he's in way too far" MATHS AND LOGIC There are two nuns. the other day I was picking up the mail. Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road. did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. SM: Oh. . he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Honey. He started to walk faster too. He came over and fixed everything.and soon went off into the woods. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. I think that it needs a new battery. "Yes" said the girl. When he got to 150mph. Jon. "Cool. and as she walked through the door. he also went to take a shower. His wife was coming home just then. what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. His wife then finds a leak in the roof.Goodwrench?" was his response. Mr. She was flung clear of the wreckage. the car won't start. What a nice man. she peeled off her clothes. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. "Honey. "Oh.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. "Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly" She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me. the husband asked. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like.xvi A few days went by. The man did the only logical thing." "Wow. and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. crashing the car. but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly. "No. and I ran into one of our new neighbors. and it's raining pretty hard. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like. and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor. "Go and get help" he cried "But I can't. "Honey.

he also touched my breasts. he took off my clothes. Father. yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. as he touched her arm. Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. "That son-of-a-bitch! GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes...." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. " Because. " Yes." " That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch. Late that evening." " But. Father. Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. " Yes. then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where. Father. Father.." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. she goes to his office for guidance and confession. SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do.xvii So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday. so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man "Is this seat empty?" . He reached me... as he removed her clothes. father. SM: Oh. Father. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. as he put his you-know-what in her you-knowwhere. he has herpes! Remarked the Father. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh. The man couldn't follow us both. so he followed me. he touched me on my arm without permission." Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman "Yeah." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending. Father. SM: Yes." " But. Then Sister Logical arrives." " But. I lifted my dress up. Father. no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical." " Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked. that's why I don't go there anymore.. Father." " But. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened.. Pray for forgiveness you heathens!) VIRGIN'S CONFESSION A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day." " Yes.. as he touched her breasts. " Yes. "Father." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.

" Man "I can tell that you want me. there are no services today. I want you to leave. What's your number?" Woman "It's in the phone book." Man "Hey. I'd die happy Woman "Yeah. wanna go back to my place ?" Woman "Well.xviii Woman "Yes." Man "I want to give myself to you." Man "What sign were you born under?" Woman "No Parking." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man "I know how to please a woman. I don't accept cheap gifts. baby. I'd probably die laughing. but if I saw you naked. I don't date outside my species." Woman "Sorry." Man "If I could see you naked." Man "I'd like to call you." Woman "Then please leave me alone." Woman "Sorry. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both." Man "Your body is like a temple. we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy. how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman "Sorry. and this one will be too if you sit down." Man "But I don't know your name." Man "So what do you do for a living?" Woman "I'm a female impersonator. I don't know." Woman "Ohhhh. what's your sign?" Woman "Do not Enter" Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman "Unfertilized" Man "Hey." Woman "That's in the phone book too. You're so right." ." Man "Hey cutie.. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man "So. come on.

Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. The next morning the husband wakes up. dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. you saved my life." She replied." Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account." So off they went to the bedroom. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die.xix Man "I'd go through anything for you. saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. but would you stay there?" LOOKING YOUNG A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing.. "There. TRUE LOVE A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either." Woman "Yes.. I made a trip to town. you saved our home. humming and giggling all over herself. married just a couple of weeks." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says. but we didn’t have any insurance." The husband then asked. Was there ever another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. She said. . Her husband asked her why she was so happy. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old. I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast. After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?" "Your name didn't come up in our conversation. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. showers. there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. CAN'T COOK A young couple. "What's wrong. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together." Man "I would go to the end of the world for you. Was there another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Honey?" "Well. So the husband inquires. saw the doctor and you got the operation. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast. but I can't cook or clean. I made a trip to town. returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes……….

"What's wrong now. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy. you're not ambitious. you bastard. you're a slob. it's equal opportunity. After all of the background checks. it's favoritism. If you don't." The agent replies. After the third trip the husband asks." Again the husband smiles and says. Sweetie?" "Well. If you're not. If you cry. you're vain. If you don't work enough. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. it's exploitation. If you have a headache. For the final test. and WHOOSH down the banister. she's a liberated woman. If she gets a job ahead of you. If you keep quiet. the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. no matter what the circumstances. you're a chauvinist pig. If she makes a decision without consulting you. you're insensitive. If you're proud of your achievements. and you must be sleeping around THE INTERVIEW The CIA had an opening for an assassin. If she has a headache. you're not thoughtful. there is never any time for her. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay. you're a good-for-nothing bum. If you don't. it's a favor. she's tired. "We must know that you will follow your instructions. you're an egotist. it's sexual harassment. If you don't. If you try to keep yourself in shape. If you mention how nice she looks. "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. WHY MEN CAN'T WIN If you work too hard. That evening the new husband comes home. you don't love her anymore. it's male indifference. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay. If she asks you. interviews. "Then you're not the right man for this job." . you're a wimp. and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. you should get off your ass and find something better. the same thing as this morning. "What are you doing. If you get a promotion ahead of her. "You can't be serious. you're after something. You have to kill her. the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun." The first man said. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook. walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. If you buy her flowers. that's domination. Up she runs. I could never shoot my wife.xx That afternoon. If you make a decision without consulting her. Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

Take another pill I can handle this. I had to beat him to death with the chair. "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. After a few minutes. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband." Finally. crashing. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz. and there they find the mailman dead on the . she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. "I tried." PERMANENT ERECTION A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says. "Bernie Schwartz is dead!" LABOR PILLS Once a woman was in labor. He took the gun and went into the room.xxi The second man was given the same instructions. The man said "this is embarrassing for me. it was the woman's turn. MORTICIAN IN SHOCK A mortician was working late one night. He tells her. The next day they take their newborn son home." So the wife takes another pill. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. Only she was told to kill her husband. who was about to be cremated. but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. "Oh my god!" she screamed." So she does. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. You women are babies. "You don't have what it takes. Same thing. one shot after another. A few hours later. "I don't feel a thing. It has to be saved for posterity. "I have something to show you that you won't believe. They heard screaming. I'll go talk to my sister. the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. banging on the walls. Schwartz." The agent replies. Shots were heard. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. and opened his briefcase. so there were no males employed there. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. Take your wife and go home." he said. All was quiet for about five minutes. she said. Let me take all the pain away. She took the gun and went into the room. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute." said the mortician. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. The first person he showed was his wife. This isn't hurting me at all. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store. Now they are both feeling great. he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. all was quiet. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing happens. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. "Take another pill." When she returned. but I can't kill my wife.

" DOCTOR'S WIFE A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast." the miserable bride moaned. I don't understand." "Oh. who had served the couple breakfast each day. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time. passed away last night.. Mary?" "Well. obviously confused." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion. SLOW DRIVER Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. Father.. I thought he meant CASH!" LAST REQUEST Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. they'll be alright in a minute officer." Replied Mary. the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.eyes wide and white as ghosts. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years. No sir. was shocked at the woman's appearance.two in the front seat and three in the back ." she remarked. After many rings. Mary" said the father. I've got terrible news. I have to ask. By midmorning. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session.. trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number. A bit embarrassed. The waitress. Tell me Mary. "Oh. Ma'am. He thinks to himself. "Well what is it. "that's terrible." the officer asks. she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The driver. you're just a young thing. "Officer. "You weren't speeding. "Honey. says to him.. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" ”Ma'am. the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH." SAVING UP On the fourth day of their honeymoon. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.xxii doorstep. What's up?" "I've been double-crossed." the officer replies. yes he did father. Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer. Approaching the car. he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. "What's bothering you so. his wife picked up the phone. father. not the speed limit." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. he notices that there are five old ladies -. "but you look like hell. "Oh. We just got off Route 119. did he have any last requests?" "Well. I was doing the speed limit exactly. . dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "But before I let you go." replied Mary. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed. my husband.

'" FIRM IT UP! One morning while making breakfast. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line. "My dog attacked and killed him.xxiii "What did he ask. the postman. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Incredibly drunk and walking home. we could get rid of the gardener. 'Please. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. "He said. "From All of Us At the Fire Station.." "What happened to him?" The woman replied. she said. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied. then throw them away. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said." GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out. and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you. was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. said the other husband. so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. We'll Never Forget You. Behind her 200 women walking single file. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to . My wife came home last night without her panties. she kept silent. but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said. however. they needed to pee. "Well. After finishing. put down the gun. The next morning. if you firmed these up. if you firmed this up. "You know." SEX ON THE BEACH A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation." FUNERAL A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. the poolman and your brother. we could get rid of your bra. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something." The woman was even more inquisitive. "Well. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too." "That's nothing. use them.. they then made off for home. The woman's curiosity got the best of her." While this was on the edge of intolerable. a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said. Her friend. After a week he joined them in the hotel. who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law. "If you firmed this up. "These damn girls night out have got to stop. With a death grip in place. we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." This was beyond a silent response. Mary. the first hearse is for my husband. the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know. Mary?" Mary replied.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" . So is the rest of the house. His son is also at the table.." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. "Son. The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass. so she just pulled a towel over her rear. asked: "what about the smell?". The wife. and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him. they start to make love on an empty beach. The wife. "No one can see me up here. but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. .said the husband . "Excuse me. . drunk and delirious. spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. you are a colleague and it is your first time. all clean and pressed. clean. miss. concered for the skunk.Don’t worry. After a while. asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. . . a policeman run into them. On the way home they came up to a river." SAYING THE RIGHT THING Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it. Broke some furniture. again concered. We didn’t see each other for a week. "Honey. spotless. puked in the hallway. She wore a bathing suit the first day. Love you." Confused. why is everything in order and so clean.You are right . but on the second. what happened last night?" His son says." said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel. she decided that no one could see her way up there. She was lying on her stomach. you can’t do that in public. he'll get use to it. shame on you. "You're lying on the dining room skylight. .Put your cloths on immediately. eating Marty asks." "Not exactly. I'm covered with a towel. By the way. stick him up your dress". POOR SKUNK There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home. He forces himself to open his eyes. lets go to the beach. so she decided to take it home and take care of it. All of a sudden." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. and besides. who was a rather well-proportioned secretary. The husband replied: "awww. we can’t do it here.xxiv make love with his wife. The husband replied: "well.You are right. I left early to go shopping.but it was a moment of weakness. out of breath from running up the stairs." CATCHING A TAN Joan.M. our kid is watching us. and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. "So. Marty asks. "Well.No darling. I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me. you came home after 3 A. breakfast is on the stove." said the embarrassed man.

He passes by the second woman. He hands the snack to the statue and says. so could she. suddenly. "All right. "Don't move! You're a statue!" The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. because I've been having an affair with your best friend. who also looks down as he runs by her. and they never fed me a thing!" CREATION OF WOMEN Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. She will always agree with every decision you . I know we've been married for 20 years. and she's a better lover than you are. who looks down at his penis. leave me alone. "This person will gather food for you. The woman jumps up. The married couple go to bed. and if they could get one. you said. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it.xxv His son replies. so he says." "Oh. cook for you. Again the wife speeds up. pressing his luck. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently. and when she tried to take your pants off. to eighty mph. really. I'm married!". "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. "Wait a minute. He passes the first woman." She says. "He's not my husband. He says. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says. she'll wash it for you. He said. "I want the car. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths'. He passes by the third woman." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. also not recognizing the unit. when you discover clothing." she says. I've got everything I need." he insists. and comes back upstairs. "Honey. "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says. who also looks down at his penis. By now she's up to ninety mph. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. too. This makes him a bit nervous. gets a glass of milk and some cookies. "Lady." FAST DIVORCE A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph. "No. WHO'S PENIS IS IT? Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball." CHEATING STATUE A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. "I want the bank accounts. but at midnight the husband goes downstairs. and all the credit cards. "Here. the wife behind the wheel. shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom. but I want a divorce. rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. the wife smiles and says. a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He then says." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. too. "I want the house." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. "He's not even a member of this club." he says. so God asked him. " The airbag." he says." she says. "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. "He's not my husband either. "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph." but she just drives faster and faster.

Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. "So" the genie said. "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies. said the geniee. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. Finally in the morning the genie said. "I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". I didn't recognize you. Her boyfriend screamed. she put the gun to the side of her head. when she opened the door. "I am a genie. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass." Then Adam asked. so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. I wish to have sex with your wife. So the wife consented. and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said.. God says no. She went to his apartment that same day. and its time for my wish. she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Before the couple could say anything.. that she has another 30-40 years to live. “Honey. She recovers. Upon reaching the house. Now it was the time of the genies wish. they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. She will not nag you. The couple got worried. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine". with the pistol in hand. said the husband. The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. She will never have a headache. and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift. the man said. "I want bunglows all over the world". etc. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "An arm and a leg. liposuction. Overcome with grief. said the genie. but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him.” The blonde yelled back. Sure enough. and asks if this is it. "Done"." CHEATING BOYFRIEND A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. "I want millions of dollars in my account". I was enclosed in that bottle for many years.xxvi make. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. hair dyed. "To tell you the truth. but you two have set me free. She sees God. I have not slept with a women for long. "it was wonderful but how old is your . tummy tuck. "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied. "Done". "What can I get for a rib?" FACE-LIFTING DEATH A middle aged woman has a heart attack. The husband said. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. so she bought a gun. “Shut up! You’re next!” GENIE IN A BOTTLE A husband and wife were having an argument. said the genie. "Done"." Adam asked God. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. don’t do it. She arrives in front of God and asks.

" A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. just give him satisfaction. ESCAPED PRISONER A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. and to understand why he's not. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. Be strong." MARRIAGE IS.. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. too. "Daddy. he is just thirty five" "My god ". said the geniee. thought you were cute. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. kisses her on the neck. I'm still paying for it. Be strong. This guy must be dangerous. just to break the monogamy.. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. all from men saying "You can have mine. I don't hate your relatives. I love you. and goes to the bathroom. "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees". the husband tells his wife." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. "If you don't mind. A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting. honey. I love you. A husband said to his wife. As the woman is getting dressed to leave. "He was not kissing my neck. As he runs away. While he's in there. and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. right up just below her bikini line.. he finds a house and breaks into it. don't complain. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. he'll kill us. "No. While tying the girl up to the bed. In fact. A . A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses. If he wants sex. don't resist. could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said. I saw how he kissed your neck. but only finds a young couple in bed. I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. this guy is an escaped prisoner. if he gets angry. and hasn't seen a woman in years. look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail. he gets on top of her. "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." To which the wife responds. but long enough to cover the bare essentials. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A husband expects his wife to be perfect. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. "Listen. the tattoo artist says. A son asked his father.xxvii husband?" "Why.. honey. He told me he was gay. looking for money and guns. "I don't know son." CHRISTMAS TATOO A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh. how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied. then gets up. just do what he tells you. He was whispering in my ear." A man needs a mistress.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. After marriage. I was married by a judge.. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. "Yes." After a quarrel. As she hears the wedding march. "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied. the 'Y' becomes silent. I caught her in my arms. I married Miss Right. and the happiness of pursuit. "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. Now I catch her in my pockets. if there's a phone handy." The friend asked. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I keep the house. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. he still ends up with the . "A multi-millionaire. liberty. but I was in love and didn't notice.. I was engaged myself once. Before we got married. "You know. I was a fool when I married you. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. A woman was telling her friend. hymn. it's curtains! It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job. The rest cheat in Europe. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. Before marriage. If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say. A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets." The husband replied. [I'll alter him!] Bachelor: A guy who believes in life. talk in your sleep.. altar. a wife said to her husband. three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose. would you go to lunch or to a movie? In marriage. but for the groom." Always talk to your wife while you're making love.xxviii successful woman is one who can find such a man. dear. a man yearns for the woman he loves.. it cuts off your circulation. I should have asked for a jury. the bride gets a shower. to a contortionist. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. But she broke it off. and then it was too late. Every time I get a divorce.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.. Marry not a tennis player. 4 worse! The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for . I drowned her in a cask of rum. Man: Rules the roost.. My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat. Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's. Of course. Ergo. It's a give-and-take marriage. My darling wife was always glum. Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer. he honored her offer. Woman: Rules the rooster. Love thy neighbor.. Marriage is grand. and divorce is about 10 grand. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. wedding ring. I miss him! My wife submits and I obey. Marriage is bliss. After that he is finished. but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring.xxix same boss. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. so does insanity. Ignorance is bliss.. and all night he was on her and off her. and suffering. She offered her honor. 4 better. the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).. Marriage means commitment. Man is incomplete until he is married. 4 poorer. Gosh. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. and some mornings I just let her sleep. for love means nothing to them... Marriage is a great institution. in better spirits night and day. but make sure her husband is away first. she always lets me have her way. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. He gives and she takes. and so made sure that she would stay.

please open it". The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly.. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am. try-weekly. Re-start stalled engine 4. The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him. Give me the car's registration forms. cash and receipt 6. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car. Drive up to cash machine 2. may i see your licence please? you were speeding". the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?". The woman walks out. The woman answers: "Oh no. didn't he?". 2. this is not my car. it is love. The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence". his hand on his gun. let's try better for a while!" BETTER NOT PULL HER OVER A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop. Drive up to cash machine. Retrieve card. ATM MACHINE How to use an ATM machine MALE PROCEDURE 1. The chief says: "Well. to step back and see where his wife is wrong. Drive off.xxx dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. by the way". there is nothing there. He says to her: "Ma'am. The woman answers: "Oh. i don't know what to say. Wind up window 7. officer. i'm soory ma'am. The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. as ordered. Wind down the window . When backup comes. please". His body is in the trunk.. after marriage it is self-defense. "Honey. Wife says. The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding. I've had enough of worse. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5.". FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife. The officer replies: "That is serious. try-weakly They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage. I don't have a licence. the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride. Wind down your car window 3.

you were there when I lost my job.. schreeches her car into the driveway. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. He appeared to be deep in thought. 20 YEARS A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs. pack your bags. Re-empty handbag... Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7. "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack.4 miles 27. Drive for 3 . She put on her robe and went downstairs. just get the hell out!" LOVING WIFE A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN 14. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up." she replied. and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account. Re-start stalled engine and move off 26. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember. "I couldn't care less. runs into the house... "Yes I do. you've been by my side when I was in that car crash. locate card holder and place card into the slot provided 24. Man: Honey. Re-check make-up 25. Reverse back to cash machine 22. Place receipt in back of cheque book 19.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. you were present when my parents died. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. Re-check make-up again 20. Drive forward two metres 21. Retrieve card 23. Enter PIN 13. Enter amount of cash required 15." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12. Attempt to insert card into machine 8.xxxi 5. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16. Find handbag. Release hand brake WINNING THE LOTTERY A woman gets home. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says. "Honey. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside 18. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" . Insert card 10. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. Re-insert card the right way up 11.and you know what? Wife: What? Man: I think you're bad luck. just staring at the wall.

$150 an ounce!" About three floors later. I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache. "How did it go?" the doctor asked.xxxii "Yes I do". ma'am?" "Well." The old lady was delighted." POWDER VIAGRA This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. She browses around. PERFUME A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator. takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter." she said. she replied. see whats in the fridge and go to bed. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph. and farts. "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "let me suggest something. "Broccoli . The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. Crush the Viagra into a powder. I didn't realise you had a prescription. 5." ARSENIC A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Madam. Surprised. When you are giving him coffee. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly. He won't notice a thing. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem. "Terribly. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. the pharmacist asks." the old lady said. Weeks later the old lady returned. terribly. "Well." HOW MUCH? A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. "Doctor. The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods." The doctor smiled and said. "Chanel No. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said. "Ah. Horrified. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes. doctor. "Madam. "Doctor. turns." she claimed." "Did it not work?" "Yes. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says. I haven't had sex for years now. smelling like expensive perfume. stir it into the coffee and serve it. bends over. what do you want with arsenic?" The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband. the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. She left the doctor's office quickly. Married women come home. " You know I would have gotten out today. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again. $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The woman reaches into her handbag.Beverly Hills. see whats in bed and go to the fridge. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong." MARRIED WOMEN Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home. The man is her husband. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. Everything checked out fine. the pharmacist says. then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.49 cents a pound. "It worked. As she bends to feel the fine . and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive. She shook her head." the doctor continued. "Giorgio . madam.

" Then she hands the bottle to the man. immediately puts the cap back on. Very embarrassed. The man shakes his head in agreement. the mother says. a loud fart escapes her. "And look at this. 2 townhouses.000 bank account.. a mature and distinguished man. If a boy is born.xxxiii leather upholstery. your daughter has informed me of the problem. cursing. a beach villa and a $1. I'm a woman. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks. and tells them: "Good morning. my legacy will be a couple of factories. Madame.000. After they crawl out of their cars. the mother and the girl. a factory and $500. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. "I agree with you completely. the father.. "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies. "So you're a man. Wow. who had remained silent all this time. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.000." The man replied. If it is twins. there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers. that's interesting. Shouting. The man asks. the woman says. "No. because the gunshot scared the other birds away.000 each. you are going to SHIT when you hear the price. if there is a miscarriage. He answered none." At this point.opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued. I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house. she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. she . crying.000 bank account." PREGNANT A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. It's a bad one. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores. Very worried. However.. "Sir. and hands it back to the man. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. but I'll take charge. with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.. here's another miracle. He sits in the living room with the father. As she turns back. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. how many birds are left.. the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The woman takes the bottle. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Good day. I think I'll just wait for the police" WILD THINKING A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them. and a $1. However. "Madame.

"Let me guess." she said. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. a tiger in my bed. The first wish was for a billion dollars. and the other is sucking the ice cream. what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back. the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. and a jackass to pay for all of it ILLNESSES A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon." he explained. and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. and they continued undressing." He answered.” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. before she can do this." FOUR ANIMALS A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. “No problem. Upon hearing this. They opened the champagne and began undressing." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. “For my last wish..xxxiv answered back. kneasles. In an instant it was granted. "You mean polio?" she asked. one is biting the ice cream. he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. I also had kneasles. he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. When the bridegroom removed his socks. "No. The woman is steaming mad. the one with the wedding ring. "No. one is licking the ice cream.. the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish." he answered. "Don't tell me. Just as the genie was about to give up on her. which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said. "You mean measles?" she asked. I’d like to give birth to twins. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. When the groom took off his pants. As the undressing continued. a Jaguar in the garage. Smallcox?" REVENGE A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement."Ewww . thinking that this is hardly fair. BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK.” . "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had folio as a child. "oh really.what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."I like the way you think. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees. tolio. his new wife asked. but she makes her first wish. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie."No. her husband at last removed his underwear. But."The one that is sucking the ice cream. his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for. But. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills.

who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.xxxv MARRIAGE A woman is in bed with her lover. shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. Great! Thanks. he leaned against the door frame. Really? That’s wonderful. the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Without checking the contents. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife. His parched lips parted. gazing into the kitchen. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister. The aged and withered hand. when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his . “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies. During the wrapping. Okay. and afterwards. Her lover looks over at her and listens. All my Love" "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. she picks up the receiver. he would have thought himself already in heaven: there. I am so happy for you. the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Were it not for death's agony." A DYING MAN'S COOKIES An elderly man lay dying in his bed. remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. only hearing her side of the conversation. he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves.These are a delicate shade. He gathered his remaining strength. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. hi. “Hello? Oh. If it had not been for your sister.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks. With labored breath. I’m so glad that you called. Since it’s the woman’s house. and as they had not been dating very long. he threw himself toward the table. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. In death's agony. landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. They make love for hours. bye. Leaning against the wall. but not too personal. the phone rings. and lifted himself from the bed. while they’re just lying there. but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. That sounds terrific. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Bye. after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic. he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. seemingly bringing him back to life. seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort. he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!” SWEETHEART PRESENT A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. gripping the railing with both hands. When you take them off.

she say. "Now.Chang slowly shook his head and said. "OK.you haf Ed Zachary Disease. dat why you not haf sex or dates. Sorry. Thats ok." Again. Chang then said. Chang. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says. get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room. she says. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. and intead finds a frog in a trap. Ok. so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. He only has eyes for me." So she did." USE MORE SOAP A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. "Use more paper on ass DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN One day. it says. Hey. worse case I ever see. Chang. Chang said. Thats ok she says. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. it says. "OK. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. ok. the frog says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. the woman did as she was instructed. Fine. whatever you get. Upon entering the examination room. the woman sending the same note to the laundry. she's gorgeous. Whats his is mine. "they're for the funeral.. So she went to see him.xxxvi wife. The frog then says." The woman did as she was told. this lady is golfing. Suddenly. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack ED ZACHARY A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. I want to be the richest woman in the world. "Stay out of those. "Oh my God. take off all you crose." This goes on for several weeks. You are the most beatiful woman. but now your husband is ten times richer. "Use more soap on panties. Ok. the well known Chinese sex therapist. and she hits her ball in the woods. the woman asked. the frog asks. Dr. So she frees it." she said. Dr. forgot to tell you. . Whats your second wish? it asks her. whats mine is his. Dr. OK. fine. she goes to look for it. what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. that is your last wish. "Your probrem vewy bad . Dr. now craw reery reery fass back to me. So. and it says." Terrified.

"I'm sorry. "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. threw it in the trash can and went running outside. "Well Leroy. The receptionist says. Leroy finally got . 38. TEST RESULTS Mr. You stay in bed all day to avoid her story." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest. Leroy Now. Smith says. She tells you a story and takes you to bed. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab. Leroy looked deep down in his heart. but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem." THE SINS OF LEROY Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat)." Mr Smith exclaims. "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home. Your Friend. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. looking around not knowing what he should really do. 28. "Well. "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Dear Jesus. I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well. Leroy went inside and knelt down. Dear Jesus. "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies.xxxvii what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. He crumpled up the letter." FEMALE AT DIFFERENT AGES What's the difference between female at the ages of 8. which by the way was what his mother really wanted. the samples from another Mrs. 48 and 58? 08 18 28 38 48 58 You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18. Frankly. Leroy Well. You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. sir. Dear Jesus. so he tore it up and tried again. I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. Your Truly. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. one Mrs. so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. We cannot tell which is your wife. She said. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. that's either bad or terrible. I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. You tell her a story and take her to bed. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS." Mr. don't go to bed with her. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.

she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. but still happy for her daughter. It said. and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". till the last drop". I've got your mama. give me a bike! Sincerely. "good. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists up there". a card finally arrived. The ad said: "Three times a day. She was again slightly embarrassed. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. King Size". both ways". after a whole month. but was pleased for her daughter. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye. Then. she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. They were all getting married within a short time period. The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bars tool. SIMPLE DIVISION A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. Mom fainted. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine. THE PORCUPINE & THE PORSCHE! What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche??? With a Porsche. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. You know who VIRGIN BRIDES A mother had 3 virgin daughters. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom waited for a week nothing. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes."mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!" the second woman replies with. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard. The first woman says. so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: ." 3 WOMEN IN A BAR. flipped through the pages. If you ever want to see her again."that's nothing. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding.. Another week went by and still nothing. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin. seven days a week. Jesus. Mom was puzzled at first.xxxviii up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. He went home. fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. 3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. She bent over and said. Mom blushed. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House".. the prick is on the inside!!!! THE COFFIN This guy died with an erection.

she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?" The clerk. A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: . he told her that he did not have any cash with him. but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her. Upon receipt of the note. that there wasn't any heat.xxxix Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. I was under the impression that: • • • it had never been occupied. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam. lady. Before he left. Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one. replied the drunk. Last night." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" A Lease On Love A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. I am not sending the amount agreed upon. and that it was entirely too large. however. realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. "Yes we do. The Elderly Have Fun Too A little old lady. So they did. Actually we carry many models. I found out that it had been previously occupied. well into her eighties. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. Obviously very unstable on her feet. replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support. Without looking up. the girl immediately returned the check for $250." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done. I didn't know you had a minimum!". calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT. she waves him over to the examination bed and says." Looking forward to something kinky. "Holy shit. slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. "Stick it through that curtain. the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. because when I rented the apartment. that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. politely trying not to burst out laughing.

ever. the prostitute yelled. As for the heat. constitute going out to dinner. Regarding the space. he was curious and excited. the koala borrowed her dictionary. you need not go much further than the Gap. Tori Amos. "Has sex and gets paid. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do. Nobody actually reads Playboy. Love our sisters. . you'll have a tough time showing causality. I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. "Come here". The Three Stooges are funny. if you know how to turn it on. Love our mothers. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle. Since he had never been with one before. it better be good. please do not blame the landlady. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? Briefs are a no-no. the apartment is indeed of regular size. turned to the word "koala" and showed her. They spent the night together in a hotel. put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Even if we are miserable pigs. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs. This is a great time to pay bills. has been in worse shape. no one. She said. no matter what. Thus. Hair jokes are not funny. we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. there is plenty of it. but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it. The Koala Bear Defined A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. you need not bother suggesting that we stop. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. Unlike you. in fact. Butthead is the smart one." Finally understanding. and we deserve sympathy. and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not. Therefore. gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders." 50 Revised Rules for Women These rules will hopefully help women understand men: SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. "Hey. Crew or the local Patagonia store. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. As he was heading for the door. what about my money?" The koala turned. J. why call us at work? Hangovers are never our fault. and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle. but you should humor us anyway. "Eats bush and leaves. so if you make dinner. If we see you in the morning and at night. Overall.xl First of all. we can cook better than you.

Cats are not. approved pets for men. We cannot do both. Nobody knows why this happens You could pay for dinner every now and then. We do love you. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship. and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. drink coffee and chat. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. watching anything on TBS. We can get the Sunday paper and read it. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Even if you think he's cute. Let us pick out our own ties. or we can cuddle. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. Socks never constitute a gift. and grocery shopping.xli Really. Of course. A new tie costs less than $30. Don't even ask. Teemu Selanne. but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld." Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. in fact. We did water the plants. playing cards. We rank fish above cats. so make up your mind. Two tickets to a ball game are even better (reference rule No. Kevin Costner can't act. If we just spent $400 on a new suit. We don't know anything about handbags. Too much of anything can diminish its value. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley. They died anyway. we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing." Curley is the bald one. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber. shower curtains or handbags. We do care what you think. Hilary Clinton. yard work. don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. and we don't like to say it very often. there are always some speakers. Golf is a sport. tires or sporting equipment nearby. We don't love many people. cleaning. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen. the dishes. Just accept that. you can't have the remote control. really love our dogs. Shaquille O'Neal. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza. . Michael Jordan. smoking cigars and picking out the beer. in advance. neither can Elle McPherson.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. a few joints." replies the doctor. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes. I swear I'm gonna bust! . what do ya say we get a good porno movie. "Mom. which is why I came here in the first place. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window." she says. never. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He immediately tells her to undress. "Yes. what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. "Everything outside of the circle. what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question. Puzzled at what they meant." says the doctor. not at all disturbed. You can make a man come without calling him. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on." Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's dick Pussy or Bitch After playing on the playground at school. "Dad. Confused." "That is correct. I love the taste. . "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes. You can bury a bone without digging a hole." says the woman.xlii Wear our clothes out in public. ever leave us alone. he then asked him.. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. Things a perfect woman would say I'll swallow it all ." she says. Physical Exam A beautiful. . "You're getting herpes. little Tommy then went to his father. "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. in front of our friends and in front of yours. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. He says to her. he went to his mother. voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied. Enlightened.if I don't get to blow you soon. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret. Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality. Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary." "That's right. As he does this he says to the woman." 3 best things about being a woman The best three things for being a women are: You can bleed without cutting yourself. she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. a case of beer. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God. "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. "Pretty much the way you do. You go hunting with the guys. I'll take the car to have the oil changed. I'll be out painting the house. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. "That's quite impressive. Do me a favor." says Maureen." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. With each slap of his forehead. his member grows until it's quite impressively long. The Martian responds.. Honey. how they make money. and starts pulling his ears.. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. No. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ.. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm." "No problem. now stop getting up for the night feedings. etc. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's. weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. but it is still narrow. "I don't think this is going to work. I understand fully." she replies. With each pull. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say. come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. Let's subscribe to Hustler." she says. Your mother did a great job raising you." he says. "Well. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem.. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "What's the matter?" "Well. let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.xliii I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Finally. No. He's got only a teeny. You need your sleep ya big silly. come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen. Martian Lovin' The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. "Why?" he asks. if they have laptop computers. not the fucking mall again." he says. I make enough money for the both of us.. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya. it's a wonderful stress reliever.our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the .our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

" he replies.This diamond is way too big. . The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. "Well. passionate love. 3. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10..you know." Wife Acronym Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. mom. 5..That chick on "Murder." Making Fish Stix One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. get a whiff of that one! 6. was it any good?" "I hate to say it.Sometimes. THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10. 3.Fuck Monday night football. She Wrote" gives me a woody. "all I got was a headache.Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. Wash." They asked the woman..the holes in the armpits are just too cute. Iron. 4. you know. .let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.While I'm up. "but it was pretty wonderful. Double Income No Kids. 9. and this time he asks. Etc.Please don't throw that old T-shirt away..I think hairy butts are really sexy. Young Urban Professional.I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9. The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE. I would love to wear a condom. "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.Sure. you know.xliv woman. you must be right! 7.I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow.I'm absolutely wrong.. . 7." The second guy says "I'm a DINK.I think we are lost..she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. How about you?" "It was horrible. you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again. 4. "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE.Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up..Her tits are just way too big. let's watch "Murphy Brown. So the little boy left it at that.We haven't been to the mall in ages.Wow. The boy remarks. we'd better pull over and ask directions. Bruce. 8. As they walk along... it really is 14 inches." 1." says Maureen. can I get you a beer? 8.Hey.. Mike asks "Well. "Wow!" she exclaims. 6. as they fell into bed and made mad. I just want to be held. It's easier for me to douche that way. 5. Fuck. 2. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

I'm wrong. When I was 30. I did it right the first time. You KNOW you want me... remarking to the other lady. Remember my name . she began to move it around with her cane. . I enjoyed it. One day.. It'll only seem kinky the first time. but we're ok now. Of course I don't look busy. I used to be schizophrenic. Guys have feelings too. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. Now.. And your point is. When I was 50. I was curious about it. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. He went to the beach. completely undressed himself and buried in the sand. I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat. Any questions? Do NOT start with me. "There's no justice in the world. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. • • • • • • When I was 20.. and you're next.xlv 2. When I was 60. I prayed for it.' which he left sticking out. Don't worry.' So. Women's T-shirts Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. me. I'm busy. whipped cream. except for his 'thingie. But like. You will NOT win. All stressed out and no one to choke. When I was 70. Please don't make me kill you. When I was 40. I rely on them. You. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day.. handcuffs. one using a cane. he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.Does this make my butt look too small? 1. You're ugly.you'll be screaming it later. I forgot about it. who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I paid for it. I hate everybody. I asked for it." The other lady asked what she meant. so please SHUT UP. YOU MUST be right! Growing Wild There was a man who really took care of his body. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach.. he decided to do something about it. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand. Have a nice day.. You have the right to remain silent.

the telephone rang. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. where they stuck. removed her panties and threw them against the wall.xlvi I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. after all. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom. put it over her cigarette." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore. I have a surprise for dinner tonight. cheap and easy. I'm fast. "Now THAT'S a good date. He made her promise not to touch the . she stopped at the diner and before she knew it. and continued smoking. "Darling. she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. The first one said. she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear 2 Old Ladies & A Condom Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. "Doesn't matter. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. he would never go for this carrying on." she replies. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself. you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. but reached under her skirt. cut off the end. but politely asks what brand she prefers. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. "as long as it fits a Camel." The next day. "No. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time." The third one said nothing." The second one said. Since she still had miles to walk. If we are what we eat. Baked Beans On Your Birthday Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. She said. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. I'm not." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. All the way home she putt-putted. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is. how can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested." A Good date These three women were roommates. " He is such a sweet and gentle man. in her 80s). One of the ladies pulled out a condom. Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. So.

Then. As soon as I got through the door. while the princess dined on frogs legs. Then. "Damn. move into the castle with mum. bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? . she laughed to herself and thought : "I don't fucking think so". I blew chunks." The second said. and she assured him that she had not. "You think that was drunk? Hell.. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity. which reminded her of cabbage cooking. she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. The next day. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest. I got into a big fight with my husband. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed. "Listen girls. and you can prepare my meals. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. Apologizing for taking so long. It was not only loud. placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. I don't think you understand. and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!! A beautiful fairy tale Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. he asked her if she peeked. they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. That night. He then went to answer the phone. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. At this point. she went on like this for another ten minutes. clean my clothes. the first girl spoke out again. she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin. I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. he removed the blindfold. saying.xlvii blindfold until he returned. Chunks is my Dog!!" One-Liners Of Women Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry. "I drove straight home and walked into the house. smiling contentedly to herself. I was the drunkest by far. Who Was More Drunk? Three women had a very late night drinking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room. but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. When I got home. knocked a candle over.. and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick. I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. "I see. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck. Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder." she says. "Good. "Doctor. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. take these pills and come back to see me next week. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. let's work on . Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. stink terribly!" The doctor says. As a matter of fact. but now my farts. "I don't know what you gave me. Gas Problem A little old lady goes to the doctor and says. "Doctor I have this problem with gas. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel. they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.xlviii Its Braille for "suck here"." The doctor says. Why do women have periods? They deserve them. although still silent. The next week the lady goes back to his office. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. but few are blind. what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses. Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince.xlix your hearing. "Oh thank you. wholesome life since we last met." Watch What You Ask For Cinderella was now 75 years old. her old faithful cat. appeared the Fairy Godmother." Magically. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. her wish became reality. Enjoy your new life. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is overjoyed. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella. "I'll do anything. Alan. and her beautiful youthful visage returned. don't you? Risky Proposition A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall. with a cat called Alan for companionship. and handsome young man. He leaned in close to her ear. her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. The Fairy Godmother again spoke. out of nowhere. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. Cinderella. Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied. "You have one more wish. absolutely anything. the young man said to her. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. since you have lived a good. Cinderella said. Cinderella. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch. no . Cinderella sat." At once. whispered. and said. what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. that you want me to do. "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. "Well. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body. I have decided to grant you three wishes. quivering with fear. "I bet you regret having me neutered now. young man entered." And. watching the world go by from her front porch. breathless. extremely sexy. One sunny afternoon. she was gone. "It's the least I can do. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied. For a few eerie moments. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. handsome. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring." Instantly. a boy. "Congratulations. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. and held her close in his young muscular arms. and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. that when complete he stood before her.

on one condition. "A hermaphrodite. When she starts to look good. what's that???" The doctor says.. now." The man replies.. exactly. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him. and afterwards. buddy. "Look. he peeks inside his shirt pocket. she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be." The woman considered his proposition for a moment. which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. After he finishes the drink. because his bride was a healthy. "Well. After he finishes that one. The young man replied.. for $100. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly." A Penis And What??? A woman gives birth to a baby. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. the woman asked what the condition was. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death." The woman says." Later that night. it means your baby has the. She says.. "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?" When She Starts To Look Good. The bartender says. and he says. then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee." The woman sits up in bed and says.. vivacious young woman.. withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills. nothing's wrong.." The woman turns pale. "Clean my house. "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. then I know it's time to go home. "On a woman. Sagging Feeling Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. the doctor comes in." That Nagging. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words... . sits down at the bar." the doctor said.. I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. features... "I have to tell you something about your baby.. Doctor? What's wrong??" The doctor says. she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place." Flabbergasted. and orders a double martini on the rocks. er. A businessman enters a tavern. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said. "Well.l matter how kinky. "What's wrong with my baby. "your heart would be just below your left breast. Wedding Night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.. but your baby is a little bit different.of a male and a female. he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

"Inside this room. After sending some applicants through the background checks. he laid down the rules. hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. training and testing. she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. "Of course. "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied." The Rules A macho man married a beautiful young thing. hung on to the counter and managed to speak. Take this gun and kill her. I guess I'm not the right man for the job. "you're definitely not the right man for this job then. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair." said the CIA man." The second man looked a bit shocked. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clockwhether you're here or not!" Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job A few months ago. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. with no hassle from you. honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned. "Whatever happened to you. with no hassle from you. with no hassle from you.." they explained to the second man. dear." they explained. All was quiet for about five minutes. These highly classified positions are hard to fill. "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well. On their honeymoon. but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. Take this gun and kill her. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. the next morning. there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. I thought he meant his money!!" Traditional Roles Blown Away Several years before the Gulf War. then the door opened. "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years. After the war. a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. Do you understand?" His new bride smiled sweetly and said. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. step by step." . She approached a woman at the airport and asked. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. you will find your wife sitting in a chair. That's fine. and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. the bride came down the main staircase slowly. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or cardplaying or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to. "Land mines. but only one position was available. Those are my rules.li But lo and behold. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. And I'll come home anytime I want to. "I tried to shoot her. they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. The clerk looked really concerned. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here." The man got a shocked look on his face and said.

his wife. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes. and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed. my suit's still damp -." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion . Then they heard screaming. "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning.O. elderly mother to a nursing home and left her. As he stormed out of the house. Take this gun and kill him. This went on for several minutes. and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. Thompson's helicopter. hoping she would be well cared for. clearly out of breath. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair." Ask Another Doctor The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. This is your final test." The woman took the gun and opened the door. I swam across the river -." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Later. "So Ma. Jones?" he asked sarcastically. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. fed her a tasty breakfast. She seemed okay. got a ride on Mr. crashing. then all went quiet. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. After many rings. Take your wife and go the hell home. Before the door even closed all the way. the CIA heard the gun start firing.look.ran out to the airport. he decided he'd better make amends and called home. the man angrily yelled to his wife." said the boss. "What's the story this time. how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice. The next morning. and there stood the woman. but then the drawbridge got stuck. answered the phone." "You'll have to do better than that.lii "No." Jones sighed. Rather than let you down. "Except they won't let me fart. The wife decided to drive me to the station. banging on the walls. landed on top of Radio City Music Hall. The door opened slowly. Boss. to death with the chair!" This Place Stinks A family took their frail. but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. the nurses bathed her.B. Again she seemed okay. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This went on all morning. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S. obviously disappointed. the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "Everything went wrong this morning." she replied. for 13 shots. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. She got ready in ten minutes. Jones. "You don't have what it takes." No Way Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him." the CIA man replied. one shot after another.

liii http://www.com/categories.jokesgallery.php?category=CleanFemale .

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