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FEMINIST PROTEST A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow." VIBRATING HUSBAND A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." ANOTHER An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai. The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!" DISGRACING THE FAMILY There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." CANARIES Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on Mother Of Six
FATHER OF SIX CHILDREN A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." TRIP TO EUROPE A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry". STAYING YOUNG Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" DATING YOUNG The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" GOLFING WITH THE WIFE A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" FREE MEAT It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face. WHAT DAY IT IS Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" COLD HANDS Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,”‘ Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?” ACCIDENTAL TOUCH A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." DIFFICULT QUESTION A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'" HAPPY GORRILA It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, Loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . " AUNT KAREN'S MORAL The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed
kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door. this bull reproduced 60 times last year. and besides. you keep washing your hands.she has everything. she can afford to buy anything she wants. "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking" REPRODUCING BULL A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon.vi right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey." Adam replied. and yells back: "Sure." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen." "Good heavens. this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!" 60 MINUTES PRESENT Adam was talking to his friend at the bar. so I'm stuck. every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now.. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day." DATING A DENTIST A guy and a girl meet at a bar." One thing led to another . "You must be a dentist.." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes. and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. surprised. "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday . says "Yes . He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. how did you figure that out?" The girl says. The next day at the bar his friend said.. yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" TATOO GIFT It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek." The guy." His friend said. that's some 10 times a month. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls." After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!.." said the horrified teacher. "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. "Easy. A few drinks later. and he said. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up . the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. She'll probably be thrilled. thanked me.. any way she wants it. The girl watches him and says. I did..
Don't discuss your problems with him." she replies. the mystic delivered grave news. She met the fortune teller's gaze. "Will I be found guilty?" LETTERS OF LOVE A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die. A couple of days later. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." she replies. "There's no easy way to say this. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. If you don't do the following. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. then down at her hands. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on. my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt. After his checkup. A couple of days later. he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "No. and asked her question. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." she replied. now with a boosted ego says." Visibly shaken. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.the doctor called the wife into his office alone.vii and they make love. he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "You must be a great dentist. And most importantly. "Oh. combined with horrible stress. the husband asked his wife. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. "Easy. my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt. I didn't feel a thing!" DEAD HUSBAND A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. as he probably had a hard day. "Oh. fix him a healthy breakfast. After they were done. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. As she takes off her blouse. Don't burden him with chores." The guy.'. the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face. then at the single flickering candle. Try to be pleasant in general.. As she takes off her blouse. I sure am a great dentist... another girl comes in for a checkup. I think your husband will regain his health completely. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. He said. "Yes. another girl comes in for a checkup. so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.. the girl says. How did you figure that out?" The girl says. it will only make his stress worse. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months. even when we make love. your husband will surely die. peering into a crystal ball. steadied her voice. In a dark and hazy room...." "Each morning. ADVICE FOR WOMEN Advice From Men To Women. As she takes off her blouse. even when we make love. On the way home. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. Why do you ask?" BAD SHAPE A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. that doesn't mean we're not . the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. She simply had to know.. and make sure he stays in a good mood.
Peter. Their waitress." St Peter says OK. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. Tell them we don't want one. noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding. no. waiting for the punchline. taking another order at a table a few paces away.. he just walked in the front door. UNDER THE TABLE John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.. a simple 'Yes' is fine. After the waitress finished taking the order. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first. ma'am. she came over to the table and said to the woman. Mary appeared calm and unruffled.. Big difference!. He asks the first nun. When the waiter asks if everything's okay. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.viii watching it.... "Well... When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister." The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well I once fondled and stroked one. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???" The nun giggles and replies.. Still. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. .. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. He's just not crying. "Pardon me. In fact.. I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!" MAGIC CURE Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. what seems to be the rush???" The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water.. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car.." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns..... but I think your husband just slid under the table. "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.. He did not." PURIFYING WATER A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. St Peter says. Please don't drive when you're not driving." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly. "Oh. dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St Peter asks the next nun the same question..
Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Show me which tooth it is. -." I said. Actually. but I was in love and didn't notice. "I dont know. "There was water in the carburetor. The Wife said. She cooks the same way. Long ago. -. "Yes. there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.I think she choked. -. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months .Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied. "You know. The man replies.Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. . -. dear. I am a forgiving woman.I don't like to interrupt her. Stay up and fight." When a man steals your wife. She called and said. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. dear. I should have asked for a jury.Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad.. a wife said to her husband. -.Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car.ix but he agrees to do it. -. -." -.Milton Berle I was married by a judge. Now. Then we met." AT THE DENTIST A man and wife entered a dentist's office. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy.. it is no secret at all. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is." You're a brave woman said the dentist. -.George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." SOME MARRIAGE'S INSIGHTS My wife dresses to kill. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.Erma Bombeck After a quarrel. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses.Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. "In the lake. "I want a tooth pulled. "Where's the car?" She said.
Q." Suddenly." The genie says: "Done. one of the largest department store chains. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. I won't set you free. draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. They stumble upon an unusual lamp... The supervisor is puzzled by this and says. So the genie sighed and said: "Done.. ." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics.. "He's a midget!" CAUSE FOR UNREST In the beginning.Q.x My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies. and still think they are beautiful. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut..won't you ask for something else. that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I. Since then.." "Please. than double my I." says the genie "You don't know what you're asking. etc. and if you don't do it. and says: "Ok. but I really wish you'd reconsider. The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends." The woman says: "Nope. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. QUESTION OF HEIGHT A man walks up to a woman in his office each day." And she became a man." The genie looks at her and says: "You know. I want you to increase my I. God created earth and rested." The genie says: "Done. if you can really grant wishes. stands very close to her.Q. anything?" But no matter what the genie said.a million dollars. the woman insisted on having her I. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish. times five. the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. So I got two girlfriends.Q. RELIGIOUS TITS A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. neither God nor man has rested BRAIN'S CHANGE RESULT Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I. Now one of the women just doesn't believe it.. chemistry. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Then God created woman. Then God created man and rested. increased by five times it's usual power.it'll change your entire view on the universe.Q..
" the attendant said. put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off. The first said. the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. "Yahoo!" and rode off. "Nothing.' said the saleslady. size color and material. She approached one of the women for an explanation.' replied the salesclerk." . "Mine is like an old Chevy. the man asked what were the types. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. as she showed a sea of bras in every shape.xi 'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around. A HUMAN CAR PERFORMANCE Three women were talking about their love lives. The Catholic type supports the masses. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. 'Actually. and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands." said the journalist. yelled one final. "Indians ride bareback. smooth and sophisticated. "This is marvelous. fast and powerful. there are really only three types of bras. and the Baptist type. Salvation Army type. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type. the. and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce." KUWEIT WEDDING A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. Confused. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town." The second said. even with all of this variety." "Lady. When they arrived in Bartlesville." RIDING WITH AN INDIAN A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station. "Mine is like a Porsche. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going." The third said. I merely sat behind him on the horse. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs. Tony's a good man. 'This is a job for Mama!' HYPNOTIST ERROR It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance. Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry.. watch the watch. Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. When Maria saw this.' says his mother. LOST BALL . Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says. while staying at her mother's house. Mama. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. It's a very special watch. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. she announced." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting. 'Mama. on her wedding night.. and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.' says the mother. watch the watch. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage. Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.xii ITALIAN VIRGIN Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. But her mother reassured her.' So up she went.' 'Don't worry Maria. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Tony's got a foot-and-a-half. Its been in my family for six generations. When she got up there. " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. Maria. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. Mama. 'So. up she went again. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.' So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom. "Watch the watch. she ran downstairs." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. When she got upstairs.' says the mother. Mama. 'Mama. breaking into a hundred pieces. Tony took off his socks.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta.. light gleaming off its polished surface. So. Go upstairs. Don't worry Maria. He'll take good care of you. 'Tony's a good man. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. she was nervous. All good men have hairy legs. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. 'All good men have hairy chests. until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor. "Shit" said the hypnotist. 'Mama.
Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Cinderella sat. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback..' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. out of nowhere. and held her close in his muscular arms. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life. said the man. what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. I walked over and lifted up the tail. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother.. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella. there was my wife's golf ball.. and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish.. 'I wish you to transform my old cat. That's when I made my mistake. wholesome life since we last met. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella. breathless. he was a boy.xiii A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. For a few moments. when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. Well. Cinderella was stunned.. Alan. that when he stoof before her. Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. One sunny afternoon. I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "Hey. . she was gone. it was like this. watching the world go by from her front porch. who was now quivering in the corner with fear. We went to look for it. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. this looks like yours!" CINDERELLA'S WISHES Cinderella was now 75 years old. her wish having been desired. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife. since you have lived a good. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. into a beautiful and handsome young man.' At once. appeared the Fairy Godmother. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.. became reality. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. and sure enough. Well.. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife.' Magically. with a cat called Alan for companionship. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish.
" "He died of a broken neck." says the man. After fifteen years. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person." THE VENTRILOQUIST A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. "What a coincidence. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence. I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of . how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." Over the course of the years." "Oh." "Oh. too. With his dummy on his knee. This is a special day for me.xiv He leant close to her ear." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee. Of course. Today. 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now. the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems." "That's great. the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. "You stay out of this. "What a coincidence. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died. don't you?' FOURTH HUSBAND A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks. "I'm a chicken farmer. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne. and orders a glass of champagne. everything has been working just fine. The woman remained young looking and vibrant." where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. For years all my hens were infertile." she said. "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. I'm celebrating. and into her ear breathed as much as whispered. takes a seat at the bar next to a woman. the woman wanted "The Knob. and all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise. too!" He turns to her and says. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob. The woman perks up and says." COINCIDENCE A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern. "What a coincidence. how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died. "All of these years. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes. and I'm also celebrating." says the woman. FACE LIFT A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. They clink glasses and he asks." "This is a special day for me. but women in general." says the man. but today they're finally fertile. he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. and the blonde yells." he replies." says the woman. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First.
once you opened the door to any floor. When he arrives.xv them. The exit is to your left. I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee . "Well." The women read the sign and said. "But. "Are you the owner?" she asks. those are your breasts." She sighed and said. that's better than not having a job or not loving kids." But there was another floor. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking." MEN SUPER STORE Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. "These men have jobs and love kids. "Those aren't bags." GET ME THE MANAGER A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. which is slowly turning a crimson red. are extremely good looking. "Well. now softly stroking his face with both hands. never to return. "These men have high paying jobs. "What do I look like. help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Honey. First floor The door had a sign saying." She asks." "Hmmm. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes."No" he replies.. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands. "Very tempting. mercy me. so further up they went. are extremely good looking... Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs." "Oh." he''s in the back doing taxes right now. she begins to gently caress his cheek. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. if you went up a floor. there is. "I'm afraid I can’t. and are extremely good looking. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. Mr. she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said. love kids and help with the housework. When he does so. I need you to give him a message." they cried. Second floor The sign read. I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read. popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. Fifth floor The sign on that door said." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." said the ladies.." WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. you HAD to choose a man from that floor. love kids.Plumber?” . "I''m just the manager." said the women. The only rule was. you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. love kids. but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. "These men have high paying jobs.." breathes the manager clearly aroused." "Wow. you know. "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. It was laid out in five floors." The doctor looked at her closely and said." She continues huskily.
and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor. Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. "Oh. Betty Crocker? NAKED ACCIDENT A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. and I ran into one of our new neighbors. The man did the only logical thing. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. He started to walk faster too. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. how come there aren't any more leaks. He cannot follow us both. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like. but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. Mr. "Yes" said the girl. the husband asked. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like. SM: So. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.Goodwrench?" was his response. "No. Jon. . what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. You go that way and I'll go this way. I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl. When he got to 150mph. "Go and get help" he cried "But I can't.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. She was flung clear of the wreckage. "Honey. What a nice man. "Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly" She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me. "Honey. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. the car won't start. and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. He came over and fixed everything. SM: Oh. His wife was coming home just then. and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly. but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks. "Cool. and it's raining pretty hard. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road. he's in way too far" MATHS AND LOGIC There are two nuns. and as she walked through the door. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. the other day I was picking up the mail. "Honey. he also went to take a shower. I think that it needs a new battery.xvi A few days went by. SL: It's logical. Another couple of weeks go by. she peeled off her clothes. crashing the car. She was thrilled with the speed. did he charge us anything?" asked the husband." "Wow. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady.and soon went off into the woods. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. He wants to rape us.
Father. "That son-of-a-bitch! GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes." " Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked. Father... I lifted my dress up. he took off my clothes." " Do you mean like this?" he asked." " But.. SM: Oh.. SM: Yes. Father. he also touched my breasts. Father." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. He reached me. Father. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. she goes to his office for guidance and confession." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. Father. he has herpes! Remarked the Father. SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. SM: Oh. Father. (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. Pray for forgiveness you heathens!) VIRGIN'S CONFESSION A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day.." " But. " Yes. Late that evening. " Yes." " But." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. Father. "Father. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. he touched me on my arm without permission. then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where. " Yes." Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman "Yeah. so he followed me. as he touched her breasts.. father. as he touched her arm.xvii So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. He pulled down his pants. Then Sister Logical arrives. that's why I don't go there anymore." " Yes." " But." Man "Is this seat empty?" . Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.. The man couldn't follow us both. so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical. I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.. as he removed her clothes. " Because. as he put his you-know-what in her you-knowwhere." " That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
wanna go back to my place ?" Woman "Well." Woman "Sorry. I want you to leave." Man "But I don't know your name. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both." Man "I'd like to call you." Man "If I could see you naked. and this one will be too if you sit down. there are no services today." Man "Your body is like a temple. You're so right. come on.. I'd die happy Woman "Yeah." Man "I want to give myself to you. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man "So what do you do for a living?" Woman "I'm a female impersonator. baby." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man "I know how to please a woman." Woman "That's in the phone book too. we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Man "Hey cutie. I'd probably die laughing." ." Man "Hey. I don't date outside my species.xviii Woman "Yes. What's your number?" Woman "It's in the phone book." Man "What sign were you born under?" Woman "No Parking." Man "So. but if I saw you naked. how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman "Sorry." Woman "Ohhhh. I don't accept cheap gifts." Woman "Then please leave me alone. I don't know. what's your sign?" Woman "Do not Enter" Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman "Unfertilized" Man "Hey." Man "I can tell that you want me." Woman "Sorry.
xix Man "I'd go through anything for you. CAN'T COOK A young couple. Was there ever another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. but we didn’t have any insurance." The husband then asked. saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work." Man "I would go to the end of the world for you.. "What's wrong. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. She said. Honey?" "Well. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast. After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together. . "There. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. you saved our home. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. but I can't cook or clean. showers. was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die.. returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. The next morning the husband wakes up. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together. dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes………. humming and giggling all over herself." Woman "Yes. married just a couple of weeks. but would you stay there?" LOOKING YOUNG A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing. I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast. I made a trip to town. you saved my life. I made a trip to town. TRUE LOVE A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old. saw the doctor and you got the operation. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. Was there another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time." So off they went to the bedroom." Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account. So the husband inquires. "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?" "Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either.
it's male indifference. it's a favor. the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. For the final test. there is never any time for her. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay. If you don't. she's a liberated woman. you're after something.xx That afternoon. and WHOOSH down the banister. WHY MEN CAN'T WIN If you work too hard. that's domination. you're not ambitious. That evening the new husband comes home. Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies. If you don't work enough. "You can't be serious. and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. If she makes a decision without consulting you. If you're proud of your achievements. the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. it's sexual harassment. If you don't. Up she runs. I could never shoot my wife. it's equal opportunity." . If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay. she's tired. you're a slob. If you try to keep yourself in shape. no matter what the circumstances. you should get off your ass and find something better. If she asks you. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. the same thing as this morning. If you keep quiet. you don't love her anymore. you're a good-for-nothing bum. If you have a headache. you're a chauvinist pig. If you make a decision without consulting her. you're not thoughtful. it's exploitation. If you don't. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy. "What's wrong now. it's favoritism. "What are you doing. and you must be sleeping around THE INTERVIEW The CIA had an opening for an assassin. "Then you're not the right man for this job." Again the husband smiles and says. If you buy her flowers. If she has a headache. If you get a promotion ahead of her. you bastard. If you're not. walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. you're a wimp. You have to kill her. you're an egotist. Sweetie?" "Well." The agent replies. you're insensitive. If you cry." The first man said. After all of the background checks. After the third trip the husband asks. "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. If she gets a job ahead of you. you're vain. If you mention how nice she looks. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook. "We must know that you will follow your instructions. interviews.
"The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash. "You don't have what it takes. crashing. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. I'll go talk to my sister. banging on the walls. all was quiet. Now they are both feeling great. She took the gun and went into the room." So she does. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says. but I can't kill my wife. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz. she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. Take your wife and go home. Take another pill I can handle this. the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.xxi The second man was given the same instructions. The first person he showed was his wife. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man said "this is embarrassing for me. she said. who was about to be cremated. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Let me take all the pain away. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute. it was the woman's turn. I had to beat him to death with the chair." When she returned. You women are babies. "I don't feel a thing. Her husband tells her to take another pill. "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. MORTICIAN IN SHOCK A mortician was working late one night. "I have something to show you that you won't believe. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father." So the wife takes another pill. It has to be saved for posterity. "Oh my god!" she screamed. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr." said the mortician. He took the gun and went into the room. He tells her. A few hours later. "I tried. This isn't hurting me at all. so there were no males employed there. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks." The agent replies. They heard screaming. "Take another pill." Finally. After a few minutes. but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. Only she was told to kill her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. one shot after another. and there they find the mailman dead on the . Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. Same thing. Same thing happens." he said." PERMANENT ERECTION A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. and opened his briefcase. Schwartz. The next day they take their newborn son home. "Bernie Schwartz is dead!" LABOR PILLS Once a woman was in labor. Shots were heard.
I was doing the speed limit exactly. "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. I have to ask." Replied Mary." the miserable bride moaned. but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. A bit embarrassed. Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. Tell me Mary. What's up?" "I've been double-crossed. father.. "Oh. the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. "Oh. he notices that there are five old ladies -. Mary" said the father. "that's terrible. you're just a young thing. she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. "But before I let you go. . "You weren't speeding. "Well what is it. I've got terrible news. he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. Ma'am. The State Police officer." replied Mary. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. SLOW DRIVER Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers." she remarked. who had served the couple breakfast each day. passed away last night. his wife picked up the phone. did he have any last requests?" "Well. He thinks to himself. a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH." DOCTOR'S WIFE A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. After many rings. I thought he meant CASH!" LAST REQUEST Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. We just got off Route 119.eyes wide and white as ghosts.two in the front seat and three in the back . obviously confused. Mary?" "Well. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years. The waitress. not the speed limit. The driver. trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number.. No sir. Approaching the car." the officer replies. Father." "Oh. the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. says to him. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" ”Ma'am. "but you look like hell. was shocked at the woman's appearance. I don't understand. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time. my husband. "Honey." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion. "What's bothering you so.. By midmorning.xxii doorstep. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session.." the officer asks. "Officer. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed. they'll be alright in a minute officer." SAVING UP On the fourth day of their honeymoon." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. yes he did father.
they then made off for home. After a week he joined them in the hotel. so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. "My dog attacked and killed him. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said. We'll Never Forget You.xxiii "What did he ask. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line. My wife came home last night without her panties. however." "That's nothing. she said. With a death grip in place. "If you firmed this up." The woman was even more inquisitive. Her friend. Behind her 200 women walking single file." This was beyond a silent response. who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law.. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. use them. "From All of Us At the Fire Station. said the other husband. Mary. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied. then throw them away. "These damn girls night out have got to stop. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties. put down the gun. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. she kept silent. we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too. but I've never seen a funeral like this. a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said. and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. if you firmed this up.. "You know. the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know." SEX ON THE BEACH A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. they needed to pee. The next morning." FUNERAL A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Mary?" Mary replied. Incredibly drunk and walking home. if you firmed these up." While this was on the edge of intolerable. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said. was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. "Well. After finishing. we could get rid of your bra. the first hearse is for my husband. the postman. "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you. we could get rid of the gardener. 'Please." GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out." "What happened to him?" The woman replied. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to . "Well.'" FIRM IT UP! One morning while making breakfast. the poolman and your brother. "He said.
She wore a bathing suit the first day. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it. "Son. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof.but it was a moment of weakness. The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass. why is everything in order and so clean. "No one can see me up here. POOR SKUNK There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home. . you can’t do that in public. After a while. Love you. breakfast is on the stove. and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.You are right." SAYING THE RIGHT THING Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. so she just pulled a towel over her rear. So is the rest of the house. concered for the skunk. The husband replied: "well." said the embarrassed man. but on the second. drunk and delirious. I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. On the way home they came up to a river. "Well. . asked: "what about the smell?". what happened last night?" His son says. and besides. asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. stick him up your dress". She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. We didn’t see each other for a week. eating Marty asks. All of a sudden. "Honey. a policeman run into them. He forces himself to open his eyes.You are right . miss. clean. The husband replied: "awww. The wife. so she decided to take it home and take care of it. again concered. . you came home after 3 A. She was lying on her stomach. "You're lying on the dining room skylight. The wife.." Confused. Broke some furniture. "Excuse me. she decided that no one could see her way up there. I left early to go shopping. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" ." "Not exactly. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. we can’t do it here. I'm covered with a towel." CATCHING A TAN Joan. Marty asks. but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. shame on you. .M. spotless.Don’t worry. all clean and pressed. they start to make love on an empty beach. he'll get use to it. and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.xxiv make love with his wife. His son is also at the table. . our kid is watching us. lets go to the beach.Put your cloths on immediately. who was a rather well-proportioned secretary." said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel.said the husband . out of breath from running up the stairs. you are a colleague and it is your first time. puked in the hallway. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him.No darling. "So. By the way. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
who also looks down as he runs by her. a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. the wife smiles and says. cook for you. He says. so could she. and they never fed me a thing!" CREATION OF WOMEN Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. she'll wash it for you. shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom." he says. He passes by the second woman.xxv His son replies. He passes the first woman. but I want a divorce. also not recognizing the unit. and if they could get one. "This person will gather food for you." "Oh. By now she's up to ninety mph." he insists. Again the wife speeds up." he says. "I want the bank accounts. "He's not my husband either. "Wait a minute. This makes him a bit nervous. but at midnight the husband goes downstairs. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it. and all the credit cards. "He's not even a member of this club. "Here." CHEATING STATUE A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. to eighty mph." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. suddenly." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. WHO'S PENIS IS IT? Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. The woman jumps up. He hands the snack to the statue and says. and she's a better lover than you are. I know we've been married for 20 years. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently. "I want the house. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths'. pressing his luck. rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. "Don't move! You're a statue!" The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. gets a glass of milk and some cookies. "Honey. "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to." she says. the wife behind the wheel. She will always agree with every decision you . when you discover clothing. "All right. too." she says. The married couple go to bed. and when she tried to take your pants off." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says. too. " The airbag. and comes back upstairs." but she just drives faster and faster. He passes by the third woman. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. because I've been having an affair with your best friend. I've got everything I need. He said. really. "He's not my husband." She says. who looks down at his penis. who also looks down at his penis. "I want the car. I'm married!". Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says. "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph. leave me alone. so God asked him. He then says. "Lady. so he says. "No. you said." FAST DIVORCE A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph.
etc. “Shut up! You’re next!” GENIE IN A BOTTLE A husband and wife were having an argument. she put the gun to the side of her head. but you two have set me free. Now it was the time of the genies wish. The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine". I was enclosed in that bottle for many years. she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. tummy tuck. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She arrives in front of God and asks. God says no. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. when she opened the door. "Done". but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. The husband said. "Done". Upon reaching the house. Finally in the morning the genie said. Her boyfriend screamed. so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. "I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. and its time for my wish. "An arm and a leg.. don’t do it. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. She sees God. I have not slept with a women for long. and asks if this is it.” The blonde yelled back. Before the couple could say anything. hair dyed. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement." Then Adam asked. "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies. liposuction. “Honey. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. said the genie. with the pistol in hand. I wish to have sex with your wife." CHEATING BOYFRIEND A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. so she bought a gun. Overcome with grief. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. She recovers. said the genie. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. said the husband. the man said. "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said. "I want millions of dollars in my account". said the geniee." Adam asked God. She will never have a headache. "To tell you the truth. She went to his apartment that same day. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied. Sure enough. "it was wonderful but how old is your . "What can I get for a rib?" FACE-LIFTING DEATH A middle aged woman has a heart attack. I didn't recognize you. and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift.xxvi make. So the wife consented. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The couple got worried.. "I want bunglows all over the world". "Done". "So" the genie said. that she has another 30-40 years to live. She will not nag you. "I am a genie.
If he wants sex. While he's in there. "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting. this guy is an escaped prisoner. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.. the husband tells his wife. just give him satisfaction. A son asked his father. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. He was whispering in my ear. look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail. said the geniee." To which the wife responds. I don't hate your relatives. I'm still paying for it.. I saw how he kissed your neck. don't resist. "No.." MARRIAGE IS. just do what he tells you. right up just below her bikini line. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. "I don't know son. As the woman is getting dressed to leave. then gets up. don't complain. ESCAPED PRISONER A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. "He was not kissing my neck. too. and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. and to understand why he's not. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. he finds a house and breaks into it. Be strong. and hasn't seen a woman in years." CHRISTMAS TATOO A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh. I love you. A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses. While tying the girl up to the bed. kisses her on the neck." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present." A man needs a mistress. In fact. he'll kill us.xxvii husband?" "Why. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. the tattoo artist says. honey.. and goes to the bathroom. This guy must be dangerous. He told me he was gay. I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. "Listen. "If you don't mind. A husband expects his wife to be perfect. thought you were cute." A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. he is just thirty five" "My god ". Be strong. A husband said to his wife. if he gets angry. but long enough to cover the bare essentials. all from men saying "You can have mine. "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees". could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said. how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied. "Daddy. but only finds a young couple in bed. looking for money and guns. just to break the monogamy. As he runs away. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. I love you. honey. A . The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. he gets on top of her.
three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle." The friend asked. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. the bride gets a shower. I was married by a judge.. [I'll alter him!] Bachelor: A guy who believes in life. Now I catch her in my pockets. "A multi-millionaire. A woman was telling her friend." The husband replied. and the happiness of pursuit. if there's a phone handy. but for the groom. After marriage. Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. to a contortionist.. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I married Miss Right. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. As she hears the wedding march. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose. I'm an excellent housekeeper. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. it's curtains! It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job. "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied. I was engaged myself once. Before we got married. Every time I get a divorce. "Yes. dear." After a quarrel.. The rest cheat in Europe. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. he still ends up with the . the 'Y' becomes silent. I was a fool when I married you. altar. But she broke it off. "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." Always talk to your wife while you're making love. and then it was too late. "You know. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. liberty. hymn. a man yearns for the woman he loves. would you go to lunch or to a movie? In marriage. If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say.xxviii successful woman is one who can find such a man. I caught her in my arms. Before marriage. I keep the house. a wife said to her husband. it cuts off your circulation. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.. but I was in love and didn't notice. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. I should have asked for a jury. talk in your sleep. A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
Marriage is bliss. Marriage is not a word. but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring. and so made sure that she would stay. and suffering. and some mornings I just let her sleep. and divorce is about 10 grand. the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. for love means nothing to them. Gosh. After that he is finished. Ignorance is bliss. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Some mornings I wake up grouchy.. She offered her honor. but make sure her husband is away first. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. he honored her offer.. Ergo. and all night he was on her and off her.. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). I drowned her in a cask of rum.. He gives and she takes. Woman: Rules the rooster. Of course.xxix same boss. My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat. in better spirits night and day. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress. It's a give-and-take marriage... Man: Rules the roost. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. so does insanity. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriage means commitment. 4 poorer. My darling wife was always glum. I miss him! My wife submits and I obey. Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's. 4 worse! The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for . Marriage is grand. wedding ring. Marry not a tennis player.. she always lets me have her way. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. 4 better. Man is incomplete until he is married. Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer. Marriage is a great institution. Love thy neighbor.
may i see your licence please? you were speeding". The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding. Drive up to cash machine. didn't he?". Wind down the window .xxx dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. there is nothing there. to step back and see where his wife is wrong. after marriage it is self-defense. The woman answers: "Oh. it is love. His body is in the trunk. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car. Wind down your car window 3. The woman answers: "Oh no. please open it". they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk. by the way". 2. Give me the car's registration forms. the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. cash and receipt 6. The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him. Wind up window 7. Drive off. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. i don't know what to say. He says to her: "Ma'am. The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?". When backup comes. Drive up to cash machine 2. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife. The woman walks out. let's try better for a while!" BETTER NOT PULL HER OVER A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop. this is not my car.. Wife says. try-weakly They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence". I've had enough of worse. officer. his hand on his gun. ATM MACHINE How to use an ATM machine MALE PROCEDURE 1. Retrieve card. The chief says: "Well. The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut. I don't have a licence. The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride. the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. as ordered. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. i'm soory ma'am. please". The officer replies: "That is serious. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. try-weekly. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am.". Re-start stalled engine 4. The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk. "Honey. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4..
I won the damn lottery!" The husband says. locate card holder and place card into the slot provided 24. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember. Insert card 10. Attempt to insert card into machine 8. beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back... "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs. Enter amount of cash required 15..'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" . runs into the house. "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. you've been by my side when I was in that car crash. Re-check make-up again 20. Place receipt in back of cheque book 19. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12.. Man: Honey. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7.and you know what? Wife: What? Man: I think you're bad luck." she replied. remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. Re-insert card the right way up 11. you were present when my parents died. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN 14. Release hand brake WINNING THE LOTTERY A woman gets home. "Yes I do. and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account. Drive for 3 . "I couldn't care less. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. Reverse back to cash machine 22. He appeared to be deep in thought. Retrieve card 23. Drive forward two metres 21. Enter PIN 13.." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. Find handbag. you were there when I lost my job.4 miles 27. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside 18. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16. Re-empty handbag.. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. just staring at the wall. She put on her robe and went downstairs. just get the hell out!" LOVING WIFE A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. pack your bags. 20 YEARS A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. Re-start stalled engine and move off 26. schreeches her car into the driveway.xxxi 5. "Honey. Re-check make-up 25. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.
I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The woman reaches into her handbag. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph. "Ah. bends over. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again. Married women come home. PERFUME A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator. "let me suggest something. $150 an ounce!" About three floors later.xxxii "Yes I do". "Giorgio . the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator." The old lady was delighted. Surprised. "Doctor. She shook her head. Weeks later the old lady returned. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. "Madam. the pharmacist asks. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. The man is her husband. turns. "Broccoli . $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. the pharmacist says. "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. stir it into the coffee and serve it. The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods. "Madam. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. I haven't had sex for years now. what do you want with arsenic?" The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly." ARSENIC A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. She left the doctor's office quickly. Everything checked out fine. smelling like expensive perfume. takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter.Beverly Hills." she said. Crush the Viagra into a powder." "Then what is the problem." "Did it not work?" "Yes. "It worked. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. Horrified. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said. She browses around. "Chanel No. He won't notice a thing. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said. When you are giving him coffee. see whats in the fridge and go to bed. "Terribly." The doctor smiled and said. " You know I would have gotten out today. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes. doctor. she replied. then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. ma'am?" "Well. "Well. and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.49 cents a pound." the doctor continued. madam. As she bends to feel the fine . I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache. 5." she claimed." the old lady said." POWDER VIAGRA This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup." MARRIED WOMEN Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home. and farts." HOW MUCH? A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. terribly. "Doctor. see whats in bed and go to the fridge. I didn't realise you had a prescription. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.
000. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. my legacy will be a couple of factories. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. that's interesting. she . However. the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. However. crying. places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. your daughter has informed me of the problem. The man shakes his head in agreement. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. and hands it back to the man.xxxiii leather upholstery. "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Very worried. because the gunshot scared the other birds away.opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. but I'll take charge. what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers.000 each. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house. "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies. After they crawl out of their cars. "And look at this. I'm a woman. a factory and $500. here's another miracle.. immediately puts the cap back on." The man replied.000 bank account. "No. "So you're a man. the mother and the girl. 2 townhouses." PREGNANT A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Madame. a mature and distinguished man. there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.. Very embarrassed.. If a boy is born. and tells them: "Good morning. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. "I agree with you completely.. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. I think I'll just wait for the police" WILD THINKING A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them." Then she hands the bottle to the man. a loud fart escapes her. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks. "Sir. He sits in the living room with the father. Shouting. and a $1. if there is a miscarriage.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. cursing. just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it.000. The woman takes the bottle.. He answered none.000 bank account. the woman says. who had remained silent all this time. "Good day. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued. you are going to SHIT when you hear the price. "Madame." At this point. As she turns back. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores. the mother says. The man asks. how many birds are left. Wow. a beach villa and a $1. It's a bad one. the father. If it is twins. with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
I’d like to give birth to twins."The one that is sucking the ice cream.xxxiv answered back. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. When the groom took off his pants. "oh really. a tiger in my bed. "Let me guess." The bride was satisfied with this explanation. "You mean measles?" she asked. the one with the wedding ring."Ewww . her husband at last removed his underwear." she said. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills." he answered. Smallcox?" REVENGE A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. one is biting the ice cream.. but she makes her first wish. the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. thinking that this is hardly fair. The woman is steaming mad." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.. and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. But. tolio. “For my last wish. When the bridegroom removed his socks. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. They opened the champagne and began undressing." FOUR ANIMALS A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. before she can do this." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream." He answered.” . which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said. Upon hearing this. one is licking the ice cream. "Don't tell me. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had folio as a child."I like the way you think." he explained. his new wife asked. As the undressing continued.” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back. his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. and the other is sucking the ice cream. But. he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him."No. I also had kneasles. kneasles. “No problem. he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce. The first wish was for a billion dollars. the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. The disease only affected my toes. and they continued undressing. "No. the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. a Jaguar in the garage. and a jackass to pay for all of it ILLNESSES A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said. Just as the genie was about to give up on her. In an instant it was granted.
remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife. but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. while they’re just lying there. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. They make love for hours. gripping the railing with both hands. the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies. Bye. she picks up the receiver. hi.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks. In death's agony. as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. he threw himself toward the table. he would have thought himself already in heaven: there. “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!” SWEETHEART PRESENT A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. and afterwards. He gathered his remaining strength. All my Love" "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his . His parched lips parted. During the wrapping. Without checking the contents. he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. but not too personal. Since it’s the woman’s house.xxxv MARRIAGE A woman is in bed with her lover. Okay. seemingly bringing him back to life. Leaning against the wall. Were it not for death's agony." A DYING MAN'S COOKIES An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Really? That’s wonderful. after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic. bye. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister. he leaned against the door frame. and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. If it had not been for your sister. gazing into the kitchen. Great! Thanks. the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.These are a delicate shade. he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. With labored breath. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. When you take them off. and lifted himself from the bed. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. The aged and withered hand. but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. Her lover looks over at her and listens. the phone rings. seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort. and as they had not been dating very long. I’m so glad that you called. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh.
and she hits her ball in the woods. Dr.. Upon entering the examination room. Chang then said. Thats ok she says. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr.xxxvi wife." she said. Dr. so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. and intead finds a frog in a trap. The frog then says. that is your last wish. Ok. she say.you haf Ed Zachary Disease. I want to be the richest woman in the world. take off all you crose. "Now.Chang slowly shook his head and said. fine. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. she says. Sorry. OK. "Stay out of those." Again. and it says. "Use more soap on panties. it says. forgot to tell you. Whats his is mine. whats mine is his. "Oh my God. the woman asked. the well known Chinese sex therapist. what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. now craw reery reery fass back to me. she goes to look for it. she's gorgeous. dat why you not haf sex or dates. the frog says. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. but now your husband is ten times richer. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties." So she did. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes." The woman did as she was told. Fine. Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said. So she went to see him. Chang. it says. ok. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack ED ZACHARY A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. Chang. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says. "Use more paper on ass DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN One day." Terrified. So she frees it." USE MORE SOAP A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry." This goes on for several weeks. Thats ok. So. worse case I ever see. "Your probrem vewy bad . whatever you get. the woman did as she was instructed. "OK. Chang said. "OK. Ok. this lady is golfing. Dr. He only has eyes for me. the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Suddenly. "they're for the funeral. Dr. get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room. Hey. Whats your second wish? it asks her. the frog asks. You are the most beatiful woman. your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. .
We cannot tell which is your wife. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. Leroy looked deep down in his heart. "Well Leroy. the samples from another Mrs." Mr Smith exclaims. I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room." Mr. I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well. that's either bad or terrible. TEST RESULTS Mr. Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest. Your Friend. Frankly. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. Dear Jesus. I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. You stay in bed all day to avoid her story. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. "Well. Leroy went inside and knelt down. "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass. Leroy Well. one Mrs. threw it in the trash can and went running outside. The receptionist says. Dear Jesus. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. 18. You tell her a story and take her to bed. it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Smith says. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home. She tells you a story and takes you to bed.xxxvii what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. He crumpled up the letter. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 28. looking around not knowing what he should really do. "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies. Your Truly. which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied." FEMALE AT DIFFERENT AGES What's the difference between female at the ages of 8. "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies. Dear Jesus. Leroy Now. You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 48 and 58? 08 18 28 38 48 58 You take her to bed and tell her a story. so he tore it up and tried again. so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. "I'm sorry. You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. 38. sir. She said. don't go to bed with her." THE SINS OF LEROY Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab. Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). Leroy finally got . So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.
"that's nothing. It said. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists up there". give me a bike! Sincerely. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine.. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. Mom waited for a week nothing. SIMPLE DIVISION A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". "good. Mom fainted. she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom blushed. but still happy for her daughter. fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day. They were all getting married within a short time period. She bent over and said. He went home.. after a whole month. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding. If you ever want to see her again. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye. Another week went by and still nothing. 3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. hid it under his bed and wrote this letter." 3 WOMEN IN A BAR. Mom was puzzled at first. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: . both ways". Then. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes. The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bars tool. but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. seven days a week. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin.xxxviii up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. till the last drop"."mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!" the second woman replies with. The first woman says. but was pleased for her daughter. Jesus. I've got your mama. the prick is on the inside!!!! THE COFFIN This guy died with an erection. so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass. King Size". Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". THE PORCUPINE & THE PORSCHE! What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche??? With a Porsche. a card finally arrived. flipped through the pages. You know who VIRGIN BRIDES A mother had 3 virgin daughters. "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard. She was again slightly embarrassed. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House".
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one. calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT. "Yes we do. she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?" The clerk. Last night. realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. that there wasn't any heat. but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her. I was under the impression that: • • • it had never been occupied. however. well into her eighties. tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds. "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. I found out that it had been previously occupied. lady. she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Upon receipt of the note." Looking forward to something kinky.xxxix Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. The Elderly Have Fun Too A little old lady. politely trying not to burst out laughing. replied the drunk. he told her that he did not have any cash with him. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support. the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. Without looking up. and that it was entirely too large. I didn't know you had a minimum!". replies: "Yes we do have dildos. the girl immediately returned the check for $250. So they did. Before he left. Actually we carry many models. A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: . because when I rented the apartment. Obviously very unstable on her feet." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done. "Holy shit. she waves him over to the examination bed and says." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" A Lease On Love A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. I am not sending the amount agreed upon. slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. "Stick it through that curtain.
Tori Amos. Crew or the local Patagonia store." Finally understanding. As for the heat. you'll have a tough time showing causality. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. no one. "Has sex and gets paid. no matter what. in fact. if you know how to turn it on. you need not go much further than the Gap. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle. you need not bother suggesting that we stop. so if you make dinner. "Hey. and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. constitute going out to dinner. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do. it better be good. Love our mothers. why call us at work? Hangovers are never our fault. I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. Thus. . but you should humor us anyway. we can cook better than you. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. Hair jokes are not funny. please do not blame the landlady. Since he had never been with one before. the prostitute yelled. Love our sisters. and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. "Eats bush and leaves. the koala borrowed her dictionary. Unlike you. "Come here". J. The Three Stooges are funny. but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it. This is a great time to pay bills. put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. ever. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs. there is plenty of it. what about my money?" The koala turned.xl First of all. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? Briefs are a no-no. has been in worse shape. Therefore. They spent the night together in a hotel. gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. Butthead is the smart one. and we deserve sympathy. As he was heading for the door. Overall. we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Nobody actually reads Playboy. he was curious and excited. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle. Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not. Even if we are miserable pigs. the apartment is indeed of regular size. turned to the word "koala" and showed her. The Koala Bear Defined A koala bear was approached by a prostitute." 50 Revised Rules for Women These rules will hopefully help women understand men: SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. Regarding the space. If we see you in the morning and at night. She said.
shower curtains or handbags. tires or sporting equipment nearby. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship. in fact.xli Really. Two tickets to a ball game are even better (reference rule No. They died anyway. you can't have the remote control. Shaquille O'Neal. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Just accept that. We don't know anything about handbags. Nobody knows why this happens You could pay for dinner every now and then. don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown. playing cards. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are." Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword. so make up your mind. Socks never constitute a gift. We rank fish above cats. We can get the Sunday paper and read it. we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. neither can Elle McPherson. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not. but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza. the dishes. We do love you. yard work. there are always some speakers. Don't even ask. and we don't like to say it very often. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. If we just spent $400 on a new suit. and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon. . smoking cigars and picking out the beer. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. A new tie costs less than $30. We cannot do both. Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. Of course. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen. Let us pick out our own ties. Kevin Costner can't act. approved pets for men. cleaning. Too much of anything can diminish its value. watching anything on TBS. Cats are not. really love our dogs. and grocery shopping. Hilary Clinton. We do care what you think. drink coffee and chat. Golf is a sport. or we can cuddle. We don't love many people. Michael Jordan. in advance. Even if you think he's cute." Curley is the bald one. Teemu Selanne. We did water the plants.
Confused. little Tommy then went to his father. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret." "That's right. "Everything outside of the circle. "You're getting herpes." 3 best things about being a woman The best three things for being a women are: You can bleed without cutting yourself." says the woman." she says. He says to her. Things a perfect woman would say I'll swallow it all . Enlightened." says the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. "Dad. You can make a man come without calling him. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. I love the taste. You can bury a bone without digging a hole. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. I swear I'm gonna bust! . Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality.. Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. a few joints. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. "Mom. never. which is why I came here in the first place. "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks." "That is correct. "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes. . As he does this he says to the woman. "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question." Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's dick Pussy or Bitch After playing on the playground at school. "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities. she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. "Yes. she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. Puzzled at what they meant. he went to his mother. not at all disturbed.if I don't get to blow you soon. he then asked him. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on. . He immediately tells her to undress. Physical Exam A beautiful. and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes. in front of our friends and in front of yours. what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs." she says. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. a case of beer." replies the doctor. ever leave us alone.xlii Wear our clothes out in public. what do ya say we get a good porno movie.
Do me a favor. I'll be out painting the house. I understand fully. and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ.. "I don't think this is going to work.xliii I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. etc. it's a wonderful stress reliever. now stop getting up for the night feedings. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say. With each slap of his forehead. Maureen brings up the subject of sex. With each pull. Honey.. if they have laptop computers. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's.our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. No. He's got only a teeny.. I make enough money for the both of us. weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. but it is still narrow. "Why?" he asks. come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. You need your sleep ya big silly. come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen. let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. and starts pulling his ears." he says. why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. The Martian responds." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Let's subscribe to Hustler. not the fucking mall again.our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the . "What's the matter?" "Well.." says Maureen. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market. No." she replies. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem. Your mother did a great job raising you. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. You go hunting with the guys. I'll take the car to have the oil changed. "That's quite impressive." she says. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.. Finally. his member grows until it's quite impressively long. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya. "Well. Martian Lovin' The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles." he says. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. how they make money. "Pretty much the way you do." "No problem.
We haven't been to the mall in ages.Fuck Monday night football. How about you?" "It was horrible.." Making Fish Stix One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.I think we are lost..While I'm up.Sure. "Well. The boy remarks. It's easier for me to douche that way. 2. 4. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. 5.let's go shopping so I can hold your purse. "but it was pretty wonderful.This diamond is way too big. The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE.Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up..Wow. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. you know.Sometimes. Iron. passionate love. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again. "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE.. Mike asks "Well. So the little boy left it at that." Wife Acronym Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. .. I just want to be held.Please don't throw that old T-shirt away.I'm absolutely wrong.I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9. 5.. Young Urban Professional. get a whiff of that one! 6. . was it any good?" "I hate to say it.. can I get you a beer? 8." says Maureen. Wash. Fuck.Her tits are just way too big. and this time he asks.the holes in the armpits are just too cute. As they walk along. as they fell into bed and made mad. THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10. it really is 14 inches. 7. 6. "Wow!" she exclaims.you know. you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth.xliv woman..she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10. Bruce. 4. you must be right! 7. 8. "all I got was a headache. let's watch "Murphy Brown.That chick on "Murder.Hey." he replies.I think hairy butts are really sexy. mom." They asked the woman. . I would love to wear a condom. Double Income No Kids. Etc.Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 3. 3.." The second guy says "I'm a DINK. "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow. She Wrote" gives me a woody." 1. 9. we'd better pull over and ask directions.. you know.
All stressed out and no one to choke. You're ugly. I rely on them. "There's no justice in the world... Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. and you're next. he decided to do something about it.. she began to move it around with her cane. Guys have feelings too. I used to be schizophrenic. When I was 70. Remember my name . . remarking to the other lady.' which he left sticking out. whipped cream. Now. You. I paid for it. who cares? I don't believe in miracles. But like. I prayed for it. YOU MUST be right! Growing Wild There was a man who really took care of his body. I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat. Any questions? Do NOT start with me. completely undressed himself and buried in the sand. When I was 50. I was curious about it. One day. I forgot about it.Does this make my butt look too small? 1. When I was 40.xlv 2.I'm wrong. It'll only seem kinky the first time. handcuffs. he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing. And your point is. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. I enjoyed it. so please SHUT UP. You have the right to remain silent. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand. Of course I don't look busy. When I was 30.." The other lady asked what she meant.. I hate everybody. except for his 'thingie. I did it right the first time. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach. You KNOW you want me. You will NOT win. I'm busy. me. Don't worry. • • • • • • When I was 20.you'll be screaming it later. Please don't make me kill you... one using a cane.' So. He went to the beach. but we're ok now.. I asked for it. Have a nice day. When I was 60. Women's T-shirts Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
I'm fast." The third one said nothing. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear 2 Old Ladies & A Condom Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. how can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. Baked Beans On Your Birthday Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. "as long as it fits a Camel. "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up. "Doesn't matter. where they stuck. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time." A Good date These three women were roommates. cut off the end. but politely asks what brand she prefers." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom. She said." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore. the telephone rang. The first one said. she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. "Darling. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is. One of the ladies pulled out a condom." The second one said. If we are what we eat. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. he would never go for this carrying on. I have a surprise for dinner tonight. cheap and easy. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. I'm not. He made her promise not to touch the .xlvi I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. removed her panties and threw them against the wall. she had consumed three large orders of baked beans." she replies. "Now THAT'S a good date. and continued smoking. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. she stopped at the diner and before she knew it. put it over her cigarette. Since she still had miles to walk. Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. " He is such a sweet and gentle man. after all. All the way home she putt-putted. in her 80s). So. you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. but reached under her skirt. "No." The next day.
she laughed to herself and thought : "I don't fucking think so". the first girl spoke out again. It was not only loud. I don't think you understand.. Then.xlvii blindfold until he returned. she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin. I was the drunkest by far. clean my clothes. shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom.. and she assured him that she had not. while the princess dined on frogs legs. "I drove straight home and walked into the house. Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. smiling contentedly to herself. which reminded her of cabbage cooking. I got into a big fight with my husband. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest. and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. "Listen girls. The next day. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room. Who Was More Drunk? Three women had a very late night drinking. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. "You think that was drunk? Hell. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. He then went to answer the phone. she went on like this for another ten minutes. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry. "Damn. he removed the blindfold. he asked her if she peeked. I blew chunks. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. saying. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. That night. Chunks is my Dog!!" One-Liners Of Women Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Then. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? ." The second said. knocked a candle over. Apologizing for taking so long. When I got home. they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. As soon as I got through the door. At this point. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed. and you can prepare my meals. and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!! A beautiful fairy tale Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. move into the castle with mum. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
although still silent. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. take these pills and come back to see me next week. "Doctor I have this problem with gas. As a matter of fact. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. but few are blind." The doctor says. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. stink terribly!" The doctor says. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. Gas Problem A little old lady goes to the doctor and says. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. "Good. let's work on . Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.xlviii Its Braille for "suck here". "I see. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck. what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. "I don't know what you gave me. but now my farts. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. "Doctor. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses." she says. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you. they just sit there in the dark and bitch. Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder. The next week the lady goes back to his office. Why do women have periods? They deserve them.
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful. breathless. Enjoy your new life. handsome. One sunny afternoon. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said. and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother. don't you? Risky Proposition A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall. "It's the least I can do. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. The Fairy Godmother again spoke. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. "Well. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella. Cinderella said. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet." And. "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. that you want me to do. her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. since you have lived a good. wholesome life since we last met. appeared the Fairy Godmother. extremely sexy. "I'll do anything. Cinderella was stunned. her old faithful cat. that when complete he stood before her. He leaned in close to her ear." Watch What You Ask For Cinderella was now 75 years old. what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied. she was gone. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. and said. jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch. Alan. whispered. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is overjoyed. Cinderella sat. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. and held her close in his young muscular arms. with a cat called Alan for companionship. the young man said to her. quivering with fear. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella." Magically. no . "Congratulations. watching the world go by from her front porch. Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied. "Oh thank you. absolutely anything. young man entered. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. "I bet you regret having me neutered now. out of nowhere. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring." Instantly. "You have one more wish. Cinderella. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke.xlix your hearing. For a few eerie moments. her wish became reality. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. and handsome young man. I have decided to grant you three wishes. a boy. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen." At once.
. it means your baby has the. "I have to tell you something about your baby. but your baby is a little bit different. withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. for $100. which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." Later that night. Doctor? What's wrong??" The doctor says. now. he peeks inside his shirt pocket. er." A Penis And What??? A woman gives birth to a baby. Sagging Feeling Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed.. and orders a double martini on the rocks.. "Well. "A hermaphrodite. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him. ." The woman sits up in bed and says. the woman asked what the condition was. "Well." the doctor said." The woman says.. and he says. vivacious young woman. she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. and afterwards. exactly. After he finishes the drink." That Nagging.. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly.of a male and a female. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. sits down at the bar.. features. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. A businessman enters a tavern.." Flabbergasted. the doctor comes in. buddy." The man replies. then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. "Clean my house. The bartender says.. After he finishes that one. then I know it's time to go home.. "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?" When She Starts To Look Good. because his bride was a healthy. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.. nothing's wrong. The young man replied. he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. "On a woman." The woman considered his proposition for a moment. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said. on one condition. Wedding Night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.l matter how kinky. "Look. what's that???" The doctor says.." The woman turns pale.. "What's wrong with my baby. She says. When she starts to look good.. she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "your heart would be just below your left breast.
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait." The Rules A macho man married a beautiful young thing. I thought he meant his money!!" Traditional Roles Blown Away Several years before the Gulf War. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. with no hassle from you." said the CIA man. but only one position was available." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here. "Inside this room." they explained to the second man. After the war. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.. but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. The clerk looked really concerned." . the next morning. "Land mines. then the door opened. "you're definitely not the right man for this job then. On their honeymoon. "Whatever happened to you. Those are my rules. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clockwhether you're here or not!" Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job A few months ago. hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Of course. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or cardplaying or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to. And I'll come home anytime I want to. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "I tried to shoot her. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. hanging onto the banister for dear life. Take this gun and kill her. These highly classified positions are hard to fill. Do you understand?" His new bride smiled sweetly and said." The second man looked a bit shocked.li But lo and behold.. That's fine. After sending some applicants through the background checks. you will find your wife sitting in a chair. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. Take this gun and kill her. with no hassle from you. she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives." they explained. "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied. I guess I'm not the right man for the job. they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. dear. with no hassle from you. honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned. "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years." The man got a shocked look on his face and said. he laid down the rules. All was quiet for about five minutes. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. the bride came down the main staircase slowly. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. step by step. She approached a woman at the airport and asked. there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. training and testing.
"Except they won't let me fart. "So Ma. fed her a tasty breakfast. Rather than let you down. and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. Again she seemed okay. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair." Now they're down to the woman left to test. got a ride on Mr. and there stood the woman." Jones sighed. but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side." the CIA man replied." she replied. my suit's still damp -. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. then all went quiet. She got ready in ten minutes." No Way Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. This went on all morning.O. for 13 shots. The wife decided to drive me to the station. "What's the story this time. hoping she would be well cared for. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion . This went on for several minutes. I swam across the river -. the man angrily yelled to his wife." "You'll have to do better than that. She seemed okay. banging on the walls. crashing. to death with the chair!" This Place Stinks A family took their frail. This is your final test. but then the drawbridge got stuck. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed. one shot after another. The next morning. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. the nurses bathed her. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S. his wife. obviously disappointed. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. "Everything went wrong this morning. clearly out of breath. Later. Jones?" he asked sarcastically. the CIA heard the gun start firing. "You don't have what it takes. Boss." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Take your wife and go the hell home." said the boss.look. Before the door even closed all the way. After many rings. the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.B. answered the phone. he decided he'd better make amends and called home.lii "No. and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes. Then they heard screaming.ran out to the airport. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright." Ask Another Doctor The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The door opened slowly. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. elderly mother to a nursing home and left her. landed on top of Radio City Music Hall. how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice. As he stormed out of the house. "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning. Jones. Thompson's helicopter. Take this gun and kill him.
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