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FEMINIST PROTEST A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow." VIBRATING HUSBAND A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." ANOTHER An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai. The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!" DISGRACING THE FAMILY There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs;

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you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." CANARIES Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on Mother Of Six

FATHER OF SIX CHILDREN A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." TRIP TO EUROPE A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

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"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry". STAYING YOUNG Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... "WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!" DATING YOUNG The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" GOLFING WITH THE WIFE A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

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"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" FREE MEAT It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face. WHAT DAY IT IS Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" COLD HANDS Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,”‘ Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?” ACCIDENTAL TOUCH A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." DIFFICULT QUESTION A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

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"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'" HAPPY GORRILA It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, Loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . " AUNT KAREN'S MORAL The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.. "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex." said the horrified teacher. says "Yes .." "Good heavens. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen." One thing led to another . once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!" 60 MINUTES PRESENT Adam was talking to his friend at the bar. "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday . and yells back: "Sure. The next day at the bar his friend said. that's some 10 times a month. "Easy. "You must be a dentist.. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. any way she wants it.." Adam decided to to his friend's advice. yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" TATOO GIFT It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my ass please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek. The girl watches him and says. and besides. and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey. every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now. the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. thanked me.she has everything. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.vi right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. so I'm stuck. "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes. this bull reproduced 60 times last year." After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over infront of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!. and he said. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up . "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking" REPRODUCING BULL A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon. this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs." Adam replied. kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. She'll probably be thrilled. I did. she can afford to buy anything she wants." The guy. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.." His friend said." DATING A DENTIST A guy and a girl meet at a bar. A few drinks later.. how did you figure that out?" The girl says. and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen. surprised. you keep washing your hands.

"You must be a great dentist.'. In a dark and hazy room. As she takes off her blouse.the doctor called the wife into his office alone." The guy. Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. it will only make his stress worse. another girl comes in for a checkup." Visibly shaken. "Yes. A couple of days later. "Will I be found guilty?" LETTERS OF LOVE A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on. "Easy. A couple of days later.vii and they make love. As she takes off her blouse. but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. and make sure he stays in a good mood. "There's no easy way to say this. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months. On the way home. my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt. If you don't do the following. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. fix him a healthy breakfast. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. the girl says. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease. so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.. combined with horrible stress. the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face.. ADVICE FOR WOMEN Advice From Men To Women. the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. Try to be pleasant in general." she replied. "Oh. As she takes off her blouse. even when we make love. After they were done. Don't burden him with chores.. He said. I sure am a great dentist." "Each morning.. "No. And most importantly. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.. he notices a green 'M' on her chest... She simply had to know. the husband asked his wife. the mystic delivered grave news. steadied her voice. even when we make love. She met the fortune teller's gaze. How did you figure that out?" The girl says. I think your husband will regain his health completely. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself." she replies. "Oh. now with a boosted ego says. as he probably had a hard day. your husband will surely die.. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die. Why do you ask?" BAD SHAPE A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. that doesn't mean we're not ." she replies. then down at her hands. Don't discuss your problems with him. peering into a crystal ball. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. and asked her question. another girl comes in for a checkup. then at the single flickering candle. I didn't feel a thing!" DEAD HUSBAND A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. After his checkup. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

" St Peter says OK." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. In fact.. Their waitress. He asks the first nun..... what seems to be the rush???" The nun replys "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water.. but I think your husband just slid under the table. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. Mary appeared calm and unruffled. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. After the waitress finished taking the order.. UNDER THE TABLE John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.viii watching it. I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!" MAGIC CURE Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. taking another order at a table a few paces away. she came over to the table and said to the woman... "Well..." PURIFYING WATER A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. he just walked in the front door. Still. "Oh. "Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???" The nun giggles and replies. Big difference!.. Tell them we don't want one. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.Peter. no. "Pardon me. once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.. waiting for the punchline. . ma'am. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first. When the waiter asks if everything's okay. "OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.. apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. a simple 'Yes' is fine. St Peter asks the next nun the same question.. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. He's just not crying. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table." The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well I once fondled and stroked one. Please don't drive when you're not driving... "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis. noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.. St Peter says.. He did not. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Sister." The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly..

She called and said." The husband replied. Then we met. "You know.George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. "Yes. Long ago. dear. . She cooks the same way. -.Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. "There was water in the carburetor. "I want a tooth pulled. but I was in love and didn't notice. "I dont know.Milton Berle I was married by a judge.I don't like to interrupt her. I should have asked for a jury." AT THE DENTIST A man and wife entered a dentist's office. a wife said to her husband." SOME MARRIAGE'S INSIGHTS My wife dresses to kill." When a man steals your wife. -." I said. I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The Wife said. The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is. it is no secret at all. -. The man replies. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.I think she choked. -. Stay up and fight.Erma Bombeck After a quarrel." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Show me which tooth it is. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months . Actually.Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years..ix but he agrees to do it. I was a fool when I married you. -. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Now. -.Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. -.. dear. I am a forgiving woman. -. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. "In the lake." -. "Where's the car?" She said.

Q." The woman says: "Nope. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. .. So the genie sighed and said: "Done.. So I got two girlfriends.. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said." The genie looks at her and says: "You know. times five.Q. "He's a midget!" CAUSE FOR UNREST In the beginning.. The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends. the woman insisted on having her I. The supervisor is puzzled by this and says. draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. and says: "Ok..x My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate." The genie says: "Done. Now one of the women just doesn't believe it." Suddenly." says the genie "You don't know what you're asking.Q.." And she became a man. Since then. RELIGIOUS TITS A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. if you can really grant wishes. anything?" But no matter what the genie said.Q. the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight." The genie says: "Done. but I really wish you'd reconsider. Then God created man and rested. QUESTION OF HEIGHT A man walks up to a woman in his office each day. I want you to increase my I. stands very close to her. I won't set you free." "Please. chemistry. God created earth and rested. increased by five times it's usual power. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut.. etc.a million dollars. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.it'll change your entire view on the universe. "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies. neither God nor man has rested BRAIN'S CHANGE RESULT Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual lamp. one of the largest department store chains. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why. that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q. Then God created woman." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics. The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.. than double my I. I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish. and still think they are beautiful. and if you don't do it.won't you ask for something else.

" The third said. as she showed a sea of bras in every shape.' said the saleslady. "Mine is like an old Chevy. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. Which one do you need?' Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple.' replied the salesclerk. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. Confused. there are really only three types of bras. "Yahoo!" and rode off. I merely sat behind him on the horse. he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills." "Lady. A HUMAN CAR PERFORMANCE Three women were talking about their love lives. put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines. the man asked what were the types. and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. Salvation Army type. The first said. yelled one final. "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce. the. 'Actually." the attendant said." said the journalist. "Indians ride bareback. The Catholic type supports the masses. "This is marvelous. the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.xi 'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 'Look Around. smooth and sophisticated. fast and powerful. size color and material. "Nothing. and the Baptist type." The second said. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives." . It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going. When they arrived in Bartlesville." KUWEIT WEDDING A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. even with all of this variety. "Mine is like a Porsche. She approached one of the women for an explanation." RIDING WITH AN INDIAN A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.

Tony's got a foot-and-a-half. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. up she went again. Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.' says his mother. Maria. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. she announced. and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. 'All good men have hairy chests. LOST BALL . Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. It's a very special watch. "Shit" said the hypnotist. 'Mama. Tony's a good man. she ran downstairs. So." The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. Don't worry Maria.." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting. 'Mama. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says. Its been in my family for six generations. Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs. Mama. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you. 'Tony's a good man.. 'This is a job for Mama!' HYPNOTIST ERROR It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. watch the watch. while staying at her mother's house. "Watch the watch. " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.' So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom. When she got up there. breaking into a hundred pieces. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. 'So. until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor. But her mother reassured her.' says the mother. Mama. 'Mama. When Maria saw this..xii ITALIAN VIRGIN Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.' says the mother. she was nervous. When she got upstairs. "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance. He'll take good care of you. All good men have hairy legs. watch the watch. Tony took off his socks. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. Go upstairs.' So up she went.' 'Don't worry. light gleaming off its polished surface. Mama. Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. on her wedding night. Tony's got a big hairy chest.

what shall you have?' Cinderella looked over to Alan. I walked over and lifted up the tail..xiii A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. said the man.. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella is taken aback. For a few moments.. and held her close in his muscular arms. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up. so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. with a cat called Alan for companionship. appeared the Fairy Godmother. The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish. Cinderella sat. this looks like yours!" CINDERELLA'S WISHES Cinderella was now 75 years old. We went to look for it. he was a boy. out of nowhere.. Cinderella was stunned. when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes... 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Magically. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. she was gone. into a beautiful and handsome young man. wholesome life since we last met. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again. Alan. became reality. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. her wish having been desired. Well. there was my wife's golf ball. 'I wish you to transform my old cat. who was now quivering in the corner with fear. since you have lived a good. that when he stoof before her. One sunny afternoon. and sure enough. what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. watching the world go by from her front porch. Well. "Hey. Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. . she happily sat upon her rocking chair.stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. breathless. Cinderella said 'Oh thank you.' At once.. That's when I made my mistake. it was like this.

The woman remained young looking and vibrant." COINCIDENCE A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern. the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results." Over the course of the years." says the woman. The woman perks up and says. This is a special day for me." says the man. After fifteen years. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob. Today. They clink glasses and he asks.xiv He leant close to her ear. I'm celebrating. and into her ear breathed as much as whispered." "He died of a broken neck. FACE LIFT A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. but women in general. the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. and all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise." THE VENTRILOQUIST A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. Of course." "This is a special day for me." "That's great. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee. "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of . blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "All of these years. For years all my hens were infertile. my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence. "What a coincidence. and orders a glass of champagne. With his dummy on his knee. he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes." she said. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person." says the woman." he replies. and I'm also celebrating. too!" He turns to her and says. and the blonde yells. how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died. "What a coincidence. takes a seat at the bar next to a woman. everything has been working just fine." where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. but today they're finally fertile. too. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes. "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne. how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband. "I'm a chicken farmer." "Oh. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First." "Oh. the woman wanted "The Knob. don't you?' FOURTH HUSBAND A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time." says the man. "You stay out of this. 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now. "What a coincidence. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

"Well. now softly stroking his face with both hands. The exit is to your left." GET ME THE MANAGER A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. are extremely good looking. "These men have jobs and love kids." WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. "These men have high paying jobs. First floor The door had a sign saying. she begins to gently caress his cheek. there is. "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. you HAD to choose a man from that floor. if you went up a floor." She continues huskily. When he does so." "Oh. "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went." The women read the sign and said." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him. I need you to give him a message. running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. "Very tempting. so further up they went. are extremely good looking. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. "I''m just the manager. those are your breasts... One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says. in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.Plumber?” .xv them." She sighed and said. "Those aren't bags. "These men have high paying jobs. Fifth floor The sign on that door said.. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. "Well." they cried. Mr." "Hmmm. you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. and are extremely good looking. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs. "Are you the owner?" she asks. I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee ." he''s in the back doing taxes right now." The doctor looked at her closely and said. never to return.. The only rule was. "What do I look like. you know.. popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently." "Wow." said the ladies. When he arrives. mercy me." MEN SUPER STORE Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said."No" he replies. but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands." said the women." breathes the manager clearly aroused." But there was another floor. which is slowly turning a crimson red. love kids. help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read. "I'm afraid I can’t. once you opened the door to any floor. love kids." She asks. "But. Second floor The sign read. It was laid out in five floors. "Honey. that's better than not having a job or not loving kids. love kids and help with the housework.

there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like. He wants to rape us. She was thrilled with the speed. Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. SM: So. "Oh. and I ran into one of our new neighbors. the car won't start.Goodwrench?" was his response. Mr. He cannot follow us both. I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl. and as she walked through the door. no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. Jon. did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly. I think that it needs a new battery. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. He started to walk faster too. The man did the only logical thing. SL: It's logical. and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks. "Honey. my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady. "Honey.xvi A few days went by. but he was stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. "Go and get help" he cried "But I can't. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like. . crashing the car. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like. "Honey. and it's raining pretty hard. the other day I was picking up the mail. he's in way too far" MATHS AND LOGIC There are two nuns. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. SM: It's not working SL: Of course it's not working. What a nice man. how come there aren't any more leaks. he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. He came over and fixed everything. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door.and soon went off into the woods. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. the husband asked. "Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly" She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me. and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor. She was flung clear of the wreckage. When he got to 150mph. "Cool. His wife was coming home just then." "Wow. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). "Yes" said the girl. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard. he also went to take a shower. Betty Crocker? NAKED ACCIDENT A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. she peeled off her clothes. Another couple of weeks go by. You go that way and I'll go this way. SM: Oh.

SM: What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. as he touched her breasts. He reached me. Father. then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.." " But. The man couldn't follow us both. Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. "That son-of-a-bitch! GREAT FEMALE COMEBACKS Man "Haven't we met before?" Woman "Yes. Father." " That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." " But.xvii So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Father. SM: Oh. (And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending. I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.. yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. so he followed me. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. he has herpes! Remarked the Father. he touched me on my arm without permission. that's why I don't go there anymore. as he removed her clothes.. Late that evening. Father." " Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked. father." Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman "Yeah. " Yes.. so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. He pulled down his pants." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical." " Do you mean like this?" he asked. SM: Yes.. Father. Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. Father. " Because. Father. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened." " But." " But.. Pray for forgiveness you heathens!) VIRGIN'S CONFESSION A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day. Father. he took off my clothes." " Yes." Man "Is this seat empty?" . SM: Oh. Then Sister Logical arrives. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. " Yes. she goes to his office for guidance and confession.. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical." " That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch. I lifted my dress up... " Yes. as he touched her arm. he also touched my breasts. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic. as he put his you-know-what in her you-knowwhere. "Father." " Do you mean like this?" he asked." " Do you mean like this?" he asked.

" Woman "That's in the phone book too." Man "If I could see you naked.." Man "So. I don't date outside my species. I don't know." Woman "Then please leave me alone." Man "I'd like to call you. I want you to leave." Woman "Sorry. what's your sign?" Woman "Do not Enter" Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman "Unfertilized" Man "Hey. come on. You're so right." Man "Hey cutie. wanna go back to my place ?" Woman "Well. What's your number?" Woman "It's in the phone book. baby." Man "What sign were you born under?" Woman "No Parking. I'd probably die laughing." Man "So what do you do for a living?" Woman "I'm a female impersonator. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both." Man "I want to give myself to you." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man "I know how to please a woman. I'd die happy Woman "Yeah. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man "But I don't know your name. but if I saw you naked. we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy. and this one will be too if you sit down. I don't accept cheap gifts. there are no services today.xviii Woman "Yes." Man "Your body is like a temple." Woman "Ohhhh." Man "I can tell that you want me." Woman "Sorry." Man "Hey. how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman "Sorry." .

" The husband then asked. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast. you saved our home. but we didn’t have any insurance. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. . TRUE LOVE A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Honey?" "Well.xix Man "I'd go through anything for you.. The next morning the husband wakes up.. I made a trip to town. She said." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says." She replied. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes………. returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey. "What's wrong." Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty year old. Was there ever another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. married just a couple of weeks. Her husband asked her why she was so happy. I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together. CAN'T COOK A young couple. saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. So the husband inquires. was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean." So off they went to the bedroom. I guess I can’t really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. humming and giggling all over herself." Man "I would go to the end of the world for you. saw the doctor and you got the operation. Was there another time? The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. but would you stay there?" LOOKING YOUNG A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing. you saved my life." Woman "Yes. After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together. showers. "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?" "Your name didn't come up in our conversation. I made a trip to town. but I can't cook or clean. "There. dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

Sweetie?" "Well. you're after something. you're not thoughtful. it's favoritism. you don't love her anymore. That evening the new husband comes home.xx That afternoon. the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. you should get off your ass and find something better. it's sexual harassment. you're a slob. If you don't. If you don't work enough. "What are you doing. "What's wrong now. you're insensitive. If you're proud of your achievements. and WHOOSH down the banister. she's a liberated woman. interviews. "We must know that you will follow your instructions. it's exploitation." The agent replies. no matter what the circumstances. and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. If you cry. If you get a promotion ahead of her. If you don't. you bastard. I could never shoot my wife. "Then you're not the right man for this job. she's tired. the same thing as this morning. If you're not. that's domination. If she has a headache." . you're a wimp. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook. there is never any time for her. you're vain. If she makes a decision without consulting you. If you keep quiet. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay. WHY MEN CAN'T WIN If you work too hard. walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. If you try to keep yourself in shape. If you don't." The first man said. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay. If she gets a job ahead of you. you're not ambitious. you're an egotist. it's a favor. it's equal opportunity. After all of the background checks. Up she runs. You have to kill her. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. it's male indifference. you're a good-for-nothing bum. "You can't be serious. If you make a decision without consulting her." Again the husband smiles and says. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy. After the third trip the husband asks. If you buy her flowers. Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies. the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. If you mention how nice she looks. If you have a headache. For the final test. and you must be sleeping around THE INTERVIEW The CIA had an opening for an assassin. If she asks you. you're a chauvinist pig. "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe. "Bernie Schwartz is dead!" LABOR PILLS Once a woman was in labor. he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr." said the mortician. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. "Oh my god!" she screamed. "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash. crashing. "You don't have what it takes. "Take another pill. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Schwartz. All was quiet for about five minutes. one shot after another. who was about to be cremated. The next day they take their newborn son home." So the wife takes another pill. but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. A few hours later. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz. Take your wife and go home. The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says. banging on the walls. she said. Same thing happens. Now they are both feeling great. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it. I'll go talk to my sister. He tells her. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. He is convinced that women are complete wuses." The agent replies. After a few minutes. all was quiet. MORTICIAN IN SHOCK A mortician was working late one night. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks." PERMANENT ERECTION A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. Let me take all the pain away. The first person he showed was his wife. Same thing. Only she was told to kill her husband. They heard screaming." When she returned. The man said "this is embarrassing for me. This isn't hurting me at all. the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. but I can't kill my wife. it was the woman's turn. Her husband tells her to take another pill.xxi The second man was given the same instructions. so there were no males employed there. "I tried. I had to beat him to death with the chair." Finally. He took the gun and went into the room. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute. Take another pill I can handle this. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. Shots were heard. she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain." So she does. and opened his briefcase. "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. It has to be saved for posterity." he said. and there they find the mailman dead on the . The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store.

a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. No sir. the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the miserable bride moaned. I was doing the speed limit exactly. Mary" said the father. I don't understand. A bit embarrassed.. The waitress. SLOW DRIVER Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. Ma'am." Replied Mary." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked." the officer asks. Father. not the speed limit. did he have any last requests?" "Well. I thought he meant CASH!" LAST REQUEST Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. The driver. "but you look like hell. We just got off Route 119. dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. passed away last night. she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. I've got terrible news. says to him. father. "Oh.." the officer replies. he notices that there are five old ladies -. Approaching the car. yes he did father." she remarked. who had served the couple breakfast each day." DOCTOR'S WIFE A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. After many rings. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. "But before I let you go.. By midmorning." replied Mary. . I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" ”Ma'am. he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. my husband. "Officer. you're just a young thing. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years. "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. "You weren't speeding. was shocked at the woman's appearance. obviously confused. "that's terrible. Mary?" "Well.. The State Police officer. the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error." SAVING UP On the fourth day of their honeymoon. I have to ask. "What's bothering you so.two in the front seat and three in the back .xxii doorstep. his wife picked up the phone. What's up?" "I've been double-crossed. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed. "Well what is it." "Oh.eyes wide and white as ghosts." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion. Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. they'll be alright in a minute officer. "Oh. He thinks to himself. Tell me Mary. "Honey.

use them.. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said. however. we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." FUNERAL A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties. "My dog attacked and killed him. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. they needed to pee. and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. With a death grip in place. then throw them away. they then made off for home. After finishing. the postman. "These damn girls night out have got to stop.xxiii "What did he ask. "If you firmed this up. a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line. Incredibly drunk and walking home." This was beyond a silent response. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The next morning. We'll Never Forget You. Behind her 200 women walking single file. we could get rid of the gardener." GIRLS NIGHT OUT Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out. "Well." While this was on the edge of intolerable. My wife came home last night without her panties. 'Please. Mary?" Mary replied. she kept silent." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Her friend. Mary. the poolman and your brother. was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. who's in the second hearse?" "My-mother-in law. "Well. "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too." The woman was even more inquisitive." "What happened to him?" The woman replied.. "You know. if you firmed this up." "That's nothing. After a week he joined them in the hotel. said the other husband. but I've never seen a funeral like this. she said. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied.'" FIRM IT UP! One morning while making breakfast. "From All of Us At the Fire Station. we could get rid of your bra. the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to . if you firmed these up. the first hearse is for my husband. so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis." SEX ON THE BEACH A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. put down the gun. "He said.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. asked: "what about the smell?". shame on you. .You are right. who was a rather well-proportioned secretary. asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him. all clean and pressed.M.No darling. The wife. and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "Son. We didn’t see each other for a week. what happened last night?" His son says." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. Marty asks. miss. concered for the skunk. Broke some furniture. and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. a policeman run into them. I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." SAYING THE RIGHT THING Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover." CATCHING A TAN Joan. . stick him up your dress"." Confused. The wife. puked in the hallway. and besides." said the embarrassed man.Put your cloths on immediately. The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass. After a while. ." "Not exactly. our kid is watching us. spotless. She wore a bathing suit the first day. Love you.. eating Marty asks. His son is also at the table. drunk and delirious. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. breakfast is on the stove. "No one can see me up here. By the way. they start to make love on an empty beach. lets go to the beach. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof. She was lying on her stomach. I'm covered with a towel. I left early to go shopping.said the husband . but on the second. so she just pulled a towel over her rear. why is everything in order and so clean." said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel. clean. he'll get use to it. out of breath from running up the stairs. you can’t do that in public. "Honey. He forces himself to open his eyes. we can’t do it here. All of a sudden.xxiv make love with his wife. spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. "You're lying on the dining room skylight. so she decided to take it home and take care of it. she decided that no one could see her way up there. and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. again concered. POOR SKUNK There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home. So is the rest of the house.Don’t worry. "Excuse me. you came home after 3 A. "Well. . The husband replied: "awww. On the way home they came up to a river. but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" . you are a colleague and it is your first time. "So. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it. The husband replied: "well.but it was a moment of weakness.You are right . .

"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it. I'm married!". and when she tried to take your pants off. I've got everything I need. "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. cook for you. rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. He hands the snack to the statue and says. who also looks down as he runs by her. "This person will gather food for you." he says. when you discover clothing. He said. pressing his luck. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths'. "Wait a minute. and all the credit cards. and if they could get one. she'll wash it for you. "He's not my husband. "All right." he insists. "I want the bank accounts.xxv His son replies. He passes by the second woman. "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says. so God asked him. but I want a divorce. "He's not even a member of this club. too." but she just drives faster and faster. shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom. but at midnight the husband goes downstairs. and they never fed me a thing!" CREATION OF WOMEN Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. "I want the car. "Don't move! You're a statue!" The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. because I've been having an affair with your best friend. leave me alone." She says." she says. a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women." he says." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. the wife behind the wheel. also not recognizing the unit." she says. who also looks down at his penis. "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph. Again the wife speeds up. and she's a better lover than you are. you said. "Lady. "I want the house. the wife smiles and says. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. This makes him a bit nervous. really. "No. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently. gets a glass of milk and some cookies. suddenly. He passes the first woman. too. so he says." "Oh. The woman jumps up. I know we've been married for 20 years. By now she's up to ninety mph. "Honey. WHO'S PENIS IS IT? Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball." CHEATING STATUE A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. so could she. " The airbag." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. He says. He passes by the third woman. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says. The married couple go to bed. to eighty mph. who looks down at his penis. and comes back upstairs. "Here." FAST DIVORCE A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph. "He's not my husband either. He then says. She will always agree with every decision you .

Overcome with grief. and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. The couple got worried. She went to his apartment that same day. so she bought a gun. "it was wonderful but how old is your . tummy tuck. I wish to have sex with your wife. "What can I get for a rib?" FACE-LIFTING DEATH A middle aged woman has a heart attack. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. She recovers. "Done". While on the operating table she has a near death experience.xxvi make. but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Before the couple could say anything." CHEATING BOYFRIEND A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her. said the genie. “Shut up! You’re next!” GENIE IN A BOTTLE A husband and wife were having an argument. She will not nag you. said the geniee. The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes. that she has another 30-40 years to live. "An arm and a leg. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.. when she opened the door. "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies. "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied. The husband said. She will never have a headache. "I want bunglows all over the world". she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Her boyfriend screamed. She sees God. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife." Then Adam asked. and its time for my wish. said the husband. "Done". "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said. "I want millions of dollars in my account".” The blonde yelled back. “Honey. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. Upon reaching the house. I have not slept with a women for long. said the genie. with the pistol in hand. liposuction. etc." Adam asked God. I didn't recognize you. "So" the genie said. don’t do it. "To tell you the truth. they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. the man said. She arrives in front of God and asks.. hair dyed. Now it was the time of the genies wish. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine". she put the gun to the side of her head. and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift. So the wife consented. "Done". Finally in the morning the genie said. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. and asks if this is it. Sure enough. "I am a genie. "I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. but you two have set me free. God says no. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses. A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting. Be strong. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As he runs away. but long enough to cover the bare essentials. A . thought you were cute. honey. In fact. then gets up. I'm still paying for it. "No. he'll kill us. Be strong. but only finds a young couple in bed. the tattoo artist says. just do what he tells you. he is just thirty five" "My god ". I saw how he kissed your neck." MARRIAGE IS. looking for money and guns. don't resist. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. As the woman is getting dressed to leave. if he gets angry. how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied. and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. He told me he was gay. ESCAPED PRISONER A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. This guy must be dangerous. just to break the monogamy. all from men saying "You can have mine." A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. "He was not kissing my neck." To which the wife responds. and to understand why he's not. A husband said to his wife. If he wants sex. too.. I love you. "Listen. right up just below her bikini line. "If you don't mind. I love you. "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees". A son asked his father. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. and hasn't seen a woman in years. he finds a house and breaks into it." CHRISTMAS TATOO A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh. the husband tells his wife." A man needs a mistress. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.. kisses her on the neck. A husband expects his wife to be perfect." A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. "Daddy. I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine. just give him satisfaction.. "I don't know son. this guy is an escaped prisoner.xxvii husband?" "Why. don't complain. While tying the girl up to the bed. and goes to the bathroom. could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said. He was whispering in my ear. While he's in there. he gets on top of her. said the geniee. I don't hate your relatives. honey. "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail.

talk in your sleep.. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet. the 'Y' becomes silent. to a contortionist. "A multi-millionaire.. dear.. it's curtains! It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose. I was married by a judge. "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied. A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. But she broke it off." The husband replied. Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. I should have asked for a jury." The friend asked. If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say. and then it was too late." Always talk to your wife while you're making love. "You know.xxviii successful woman is one who can find such a man. would you go to lunch or to a movie? In marriage. I married Miss Right. Before marriage. As she hears the wedding march. [I'll alter him!] Bachelor: A guy who believes in life. but for the groom. liberty. a man yearns for the woman he loves. three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle. Every time I get a divorce. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. I was engaged myself once. "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. he still ends up with the . I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. and the happiness of pursuit. altar. A woman was telling her friend.. I was a fool when I married you. if there's a phone handy. but I was in love and didn't notice. I'm an excellent housekeeper. the bride gets a shower. I just didn't know her first name was Always. After marriage. Now I catch her in my pockets. a wife said to her husband. The rest cheat in Europe. hymn. it cuts off your circulation. Before we got married. I caught her in my arms. "Yes." After a quarrel. I keep the house.

My darling wife was always glum. After that he is finished. 4 poorer. the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.. 4 better. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Man: Rules the roost. Man is incomplete until he is married. I miss him! My wife submits and I obey. but make sure her husband is away first. and suffering. Marriage is bliss.. Love thy neighbor. wedding ring. and so made sure that she would stay. Some mornings I wake up grouchy. He gives and she takes. Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's. she always lets me have her way. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat... Of course. and divorce is about 10 grand.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Marriage means commitment. Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.. he honored her offer.xxix same boss.. It's a give-and-take marriage. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. I drowned her in a cask of rum. but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring. Marriage is a great institution. She offered her honor. for love means nothing to them. Ignorance is bliss. Marry not a tennis player. 4 worse! The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for . in better spirits night and day. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. Gosh. Woman: Rules the rooster. Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). Marriage is grand. and all night he was on her and off her. Marriage is not a word. and some mornings I just let her sleep. Ergo. so does insanity.

I don't have a licence. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5.". The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?". Re-start stalled engine 4. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence". may i see your licence please? you were speeding". Drive off. please open it". When backup comes. Wind down your car window 3. Drive up to cash machine 2. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride. officer. The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding. The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him. The woman answers: "Oh no. to step back and see where his wife is wrong. cash and receipt 6. Drive up to cash machine. Wind down the window . The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly. as ordered. The woman walks out. The chief says: "Well. the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. didn't he?". Wife says. the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. it is love. his hand on his gun. "Honey. this is not my car. please". try-weakly They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage. let's try better for a while!" BETTER NOT PULL HER OVER A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop. He says to her: "Ma'am. try-weekly. they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk. Retrieve card. i'm soory ma'am. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Wind up window 7. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am. 2. ATM MACHINE How to use an ATM machine MALE PROCEDURE 1. there is nothing there. I've had enough of worse. i don't know what to say. after marriage it is self-defense... His body is in the trunk. you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. by the way". The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut. The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk. Give me the car's registration forms. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife.xxx dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. The officer replies: "That is serious. The woman answers: "Oh.

. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "I couldn't care less.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" . just get the hell out!" LOVING WIFE A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN 14. you were present when my parents died. Enter PIN 13. Place receipt in back of cheque book 19. Re-insert card the right way up 11. beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back. Re-check make-up again 20. just staring at the wall.and you know what? Wife: What? Man: I think you're bad luck. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. Drive forward two metres 21. Drive for 3 . pack your bags. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16. slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs.. "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack. and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside 18. "Yes I do. 20 YEARS A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. you've been by my side when I was in that car crash. She put on her robe and went downstairs. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says. you were there when I lost my job. locate card holder and place card into the slot provided 24. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12.. Attempt to insert card into machine 8. runs into the house. Reverse back to cash machine 22. Re-empty handbag. Man: Honey. Find handbag. Release hand brake WINNING THE LOTTERY A woman gets home. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.. Re-start stalled engine and move off 26. He appeared to be deep in thought. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. Enter amount of cash required 15. schreeches her car into the driveway.4 miles 27. Insert card 10." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. "Honey.. Retrieve card 23.. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.xxxi 5. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. Re-check make-up 25. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror 7." she replied.

"Madam. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years. turns. She browses around. "Giorgio . "Well. "let me suggest something. ma'am?" "Well. smelling like expensive perfume. Married women come home. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said." The doctor smiled and said. "Doctor. The man is her husband. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods. $150 an ounce!" About three floors later. what do you want with arsenic?" The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband. Everything checked out fine. see whats in bed and go to the fridge. "How did it go?" the doctor asked.49 cents a pound." HOW MUCH? A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. 5. Surprised. She shook her head. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. and farts. $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. "Madam. I haven't had sex for years now. PERFUME A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator. doctor." MARRIED WOMEN Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home." POWDER VIAGRA This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. Horrified. madam. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly. bends over. "Doctor. terribly. the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes. "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. the pharmacist asks. I didn't realise you had a prescription." she said. Weeks later the old lady returned.Beverly Hills. see whats in the fridge and go to bed. As she bends to feel the fine . "It worked. and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive. "Ah." The old lady was delighted. I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The woman reaches into her handbag. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph." ARSENIC A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic." the old lady said." "Did it not work?" "Yes. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says. "Terribly. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said." the doctor continued. "Broccoli . "Chanel No. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again. When you are giving him coffee. She left the doctor's office quickly.xxxii "Yes I do". Crush the Viagra into a powder. then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache. He won't notice a thing." she claimed. she replied. stir it into the coffee and serve it." "Then what is the problem. the pharmacist says. " You know I would have gotten out today.

The woman takes the bottle. if there is a miscarriage. He sits in the living room with the father. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. she . "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.000. what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers.. The man shakes his head in agreement. "Sir. However. He answered none. a beach villa and a $1. "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies.000. Shouting. If a boy is born. and a $1. here's another miracle. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued. and tells them: "Good morning. "Madame. As she turns back. If it is twins. 2 townhouses..000 each. because the gunshot scared the other birds away. Very worried. the mother and the girl. "Good day. a loud fart escapes her.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. "I agree with you completely. After they crawl out of their cars. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.xxxiii leather upholstery. "So you're a man. there standing next to her is Andre a salesman.000 bank account. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. a mature and distinguished man. the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. that's interesting. "And look at this. but I'll take charge. your daughter has informed me of the problem. Very embarrassed. However." PREGNANT A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. I'm a woman.opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks. Madame.. my legacy will be a couple of factories. The man asks. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house. "No. Wow. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant." At this point. how many birds are left. with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. you are going to SHIT when you hear the price. the woman says." Then she hands the bottle to the man. immediately puts the cap back on." The man replied.000 bank account. and hands it back to the man.. just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. who had remained silent all this time. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores.. cursing. she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. I think I'll just wait for the police" WILD THINKING A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them. crying. the mother says. It's a bad one. the father. a factory and $500. I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it.

xxxiv answered back. he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. tolio. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. When the groom took off his pants. his bride once again wrinkled up her nose." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. "You mean polio?" she asked. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. Upon hearing this.. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child. the one with the wedding ring. "oh really. when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. I’d like to give birth to twins. "No. They opened the champagne and began undressing. and they continued undressing. a tiger in my bed. thinking that this is hardly fair. the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce." The bride was satisfied with this explanation. what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back. which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had folio as a child. the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish." FOUR ANIMALS A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. Smallcox?" REVENGE A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement. "Don't tell me. But. the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. kneasles."No. When the bridegroom removed his socks. “No problem. but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for. The first wish was for a billion dollars."The one that is sucking the ice cream. a Jaguar in the garage. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. I also had kneasles. But. one is licking the ice cream. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said. her husband at last removed his underwear. one is biting the ice cream. In an instant it was granted. and a jackass to pay for all of it ILLNESSES A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." he answered." she said.. and the other is sucking the ice cream."Ewww . The disease only affected my toes. The woman is steaming mad. As the undressing continued. Just as the genie was about to give up on her. but she makes her first wish. BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills." He answered." he explained."I like the way you think.” . The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. "You mean measles?" she asked. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. before she can do this.what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. his new wife asked. "No. "Let me guess.” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I’m so glad that you called. when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his ." A DYING MAN'S COOKIES An elderly man lay dying in his bed. I am so happy for you. Bye. The aged and withered hand. If it had not been for your sister. “Hello? Oh. as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. They make love for hours. he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. bye. the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. His parched lips parted. and lifted himself from the bed. the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. Great! Thanks. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. All my Love" "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. she picks up the receiver. and afterwards. landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. When you take them off. he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. he threw himself toward the table. the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. During the wrapping. “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!” SWEETHEART PRESENT A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. Leaning against the wall. gazing into the kitchen. who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. hi. the phone rings.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks. and as they had not been dating very long. he leaned against the door frame. seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort. seemingly bringing him back to life. while they’re just lying there. He gathered his remaining strength. he would have thought himself already in heaven: there.xxxv MARRIAGE A woman is in bed with her lover. only hearing her side of the conversation. after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic. he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister. Since it’s the woman’s house. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife. spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Okay.These are a delicate shade. but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. Were it not for death's agony. gripping the railing with both hands. In death's agony. That sounds terrific. Without checking the contents. Her lover looks over at her and listens. Really? That’s wonderful. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. With labored breath. and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. but not too personal.

she goes to look for it. the well known Chinese sex therapist. it says." Terrified. Fine. the woman asked." This goes on for several weeks. dat why you not haf sex or dates. ok. So. Suddenly. fine. Ok. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says. So she went to see him. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. this lady is golfing. Hey. Sorry. Chang then said. He only has eyes for me. "Your probrem vewy bad . .Chang slowly shook his head and said. Whats your second wish? it asks her." USE MORE SOAP A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. and she hits her ball in the woods. she says. "OK. I want to be the richest woman in the world. she say. Dr. your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.xxxvi wife. "Use more paper on ass DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN One day. The frog then says. the woman did as she was instructed. Chang. the woman sending the same note to the laundry." she said. and it says. the frog says. Chang. OK. Dr. "Use more soap on panties. So she frees it. Upon entering the examination room. Dr. whatever you get." The woman did as she was told.. what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. the frog asks. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. whats mine is his. take off all you crose. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. Chang said. so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. "they're for the funeral. Ok. now craw reery reery fass back to me. "Now. Thats ok." So she did. she's gorgeous. worse case I ever see. Thats ok she says.you haf Ed Zachary Disease. forgot to tell you. get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room. Dr. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack ED ZACHARY A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. that is your last wish. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. You are the most beatiful woman. "Stay out of those. it says. "Oh my God. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr." Again. Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said. "OK. but now your husband is ten times richer. and intead finds a frog in a trap. Whats his is mine.

You tell her a story and take her to bed. Leroy went inside and knelt down." Mr Smith exclaims. "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies. so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. 48 and 58? 08 18 28 38 48 58 You take her to bed and tell her a story. Dear Jesus. Your Friend. "I'm sorry. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. Dear Jesus. threw it in the trash can and went running outside. I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. the samples from another Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. Frankly. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.xxxvii what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Leroy finally got . When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab. You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. which by the way was what his mother really wanted. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied. it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). looking around not knowing what he should really do. TEST RESULTS Mr. but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. Leroy Well. "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies. I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Dear Jesus. She said. don't go to bed with her. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's." Mr. The receptionist says. You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. Leroy looked deep down in his heart. You stay in bed all day to avoid her story. "Well. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest. one Mrs. 28. Leroy Now. I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well. 38. 18." THE SINS OF LEROY Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle." FEMALE AT DIFFERENT AGES What's the difference between female at the ages of 8. She tells you a story and takes you to bed. We cannot tell which is your wife. "Well Leroy. that's either bad or terrible. so he tore it up and tried again. He crumpled up the letter. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home. Your Truly. sir. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. Smith says. "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bars tool. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine. she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. King Size". All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. You know who VIRGIN BRIDES A mother had 3 virgin daughters. a card finally arrived. till the last drop". The ad said: "Three times a day. "good. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.xxxviii up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues."that's nothing. seven days a week. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding. If you ever want to see her again. give me a bike! Sincerely. and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". the prick is on the inside!!!! THE COFFIN This guy died with an erection. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: . Jesus. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes. hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.. Mom was puzzled at first. Mom fainted. "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard. fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. THE PORCUPINE & THE PORSCHE! What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche??? With a Porsche. I've got your mama. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye." 3 WOMEN IN A BAR. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass. He went home. The first woman says."mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!" the second woman replies with. 3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. both ways". They were all getting married within a short time period.. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. but was pleased for her daughter. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists up there". She was again slightly embarrassed. She bent over and said. It said. but still happy for her daughter. after a whole month. Mom blushed. she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. SIMPLE DIVISION A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. flipped through the pages. Then.

"Stick it through that curtain. and that it was entirely too large. Before he left. realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam. well into her eighties. I found out that it had been previously occupied. Last night. tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds. Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. however. lady. "Yes we do. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support. slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. The Elderly Have Fun Too A little old lady. the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Obviously very unstable on her feet. replies: "Yes we do have dildos. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Without looking up.xxxix Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. Upon receipt of the note." Looking forward to something kinky. but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her. politely trying not to burst out laughing. calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT.00 with the following note: Dear Sir: . "That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist. that there wasn't any heat. the girl immediately returned the check for $250." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done. she waves him over to the examination bed and says." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" A Lease On Love A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. Actually we carry many models. I was under the impression that: • • • it had never been occupied. So they did. I am not sending the amount agreed upon. replied the drunk. I didn't know you had a minimum!". she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. because when I rented the apartment." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one. he told her that he did not have any cash with him. she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?" The clerk. "Holy shit.

I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat.xl First of all." Finally understanding. "Eats bush and leaves. it better be good. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? Briefs are a no-no. the apartment is indeed of regular size. Thus. Butthead is the smart one. but you should humor us anyway. Tori Amos. you'll have a tough time showing causality. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle. what about my money?" The koala turned. in fact. and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. Love our mothers. put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not. Nobody actually reads Playboy. ever. constitute going out to dinner. "Hey. if you know how to turn it on. Unlike you. we can cook better than you. has been in worse shape. Therefore. . The Koala Bear Defined A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. If we see you in the morning and at night. J. and we deserve sympathy. Crew or the local Patagonia store. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle. you need not go much further than the Gap. turned to the word "koala" and showed her. the prostitute yelled. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs. "Come here". no matter what. The Three Stooges are funny. please do not blame the landlady. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. you need not bother suggesting that we stop. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition. She said. Hair jokes are not funny. why call us at work? Hangovers are never our fault. there is plenty of it. They spent the night together in a hotel. he was curious and excited. and he went down on her the next morning one last time before departing. Love our sisters. Regarding the space. so if you make dinner. Since he had never been with one before. no one. but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it. Overall. This is a great time to pay bills. As he was heading for the door. Even if we are miserable pigs. we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. the koala borrowed her dictionary. "Has sex and gets paid." 50 Revised Rules for Women These rules will hopefully help women understand men: SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour.

tires or sporting equipment nearby. or we can cuddle. and grocery shopping. in advance. we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. Even if you think he's cute. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Nobody knows why this happens You could pay for dinner every now and then. yard work. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. approved pets for men. We do love you. watching anything on TBS. We did water the plants. We don't know anything about handbags. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza. We can get the Sunday paper and read it. Socks never constitute a gift. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. We don't love many people. really love our dogs. the dishes. there are always some speakers. and we don't like to say it very often. Two tickets to a ball game are even better (reference rule No." Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword. Michael Jordan. A new tie costs less than $30. Just accept that. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not. If we just spent $400 on a new suit. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley.xli Really. cleaning. . smoking cigars and picking out the beer. you can't have the remote control. don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. Cats are not. Hilary Clinton. in fact. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. Of course. Golf is a sport. They died anyway. Let us pick out our own ties. so make up your mind. We do care what you think. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are. Teemu Selanne. Don't even ask. and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon. We cannot do both. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. Kevin Costner can't act. drink coffee and chat. playing cards. Shaquille O'Neal. Too much of anything can diminish its value. shower curtains or handbags." Curley is the bald one. We rank fish above cats. but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld. neither can Elle McPherson.

After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. a case of beer. "You're getting herpes." Smartest thing out of a woman's mouth What was the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's dick Pussy or Bitch After playing on the playground at school. she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. I love the taste. what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret. "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes." she says." "That's right. which is why I came here in the first place." says the doctor. "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied. he went to his mother. not at all disturbed. You can bury a bone without digging a hole. a few joints. "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. little Tommy then went to his father. Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.. . ever leave us alone. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. He then begins to fondle her breasts. He immediately tells her to undress. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. never. "Dad.xlii Wear our clothes out in public.if I don't get to blow you soon. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. Things a perfect woman would say I'll swallow it all ." replies the doctor." 3 best things about being a woman The best three things for being a women are: You can bleed without cutting yourself. Physical Exam A beautiful. He says to her. "Yes. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. Puzzled at what they meant. You can make a man come without calling him. Enlightened." she says. he then asked him. "Mom. "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Everything outside of the circle. I swear I'm gonna bust! . Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality." "That is correct. what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. As he does this he says to the woman. . "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes." says the woman. in front of our friends and in front of yours. Confused. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again. what do ya say we get a good porno movie. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on. and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God.

our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. Maureen brings up the subject of sex. You go hunting with the guys.. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. etc.our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again.. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too." he says. not the fucking mall again. I understand fully. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya. I'll be out painting the house.xliii I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. "Pretty much the way you do. Your mother did a great job raising you. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say. "What's the matter?" "Well." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses." says Maureen. and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.. how they make money. come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. it's a wonderful stress reliever. come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen. but it is still narrow. forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. With each pull. No. Martian Lovin' The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick." "No problem. Let's subscribe to Hustler. why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. Honey. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ. "I don't think this is going to work. Do me a favor.. if they have laptop computers." he says. "Why?" he asks.. He's got only a teeny. No. now stop getting up for the night feedings. You need your sleep ya big silly. his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well. I make enough money for the both of us. and starts pulling his ears. his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the ." she says." she replies. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's. "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem. With each slap of his forehead. Finally. "That's quite impressive. I'll take the car to have the oil changed. The Martian responds.

. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways." 1. mom.Wow.We haven't been to the mall in ages.the holes in the armpits are just too cute. let's watch "Murphy Brown. 4. Etc.I think we are lost. How about you?" "It was horrible. you know. it really is 14 inches.Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. "Well.. 2. passionate love. Bruce. .I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker! 9.While I'm up. It's easier for me to douche that way. I just want to be held.. you know.. Double Income No Kids... 9. 4. Iron.. As they walk along.Fuck Monday night football.. "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. was it any good?" "I hate to say it. you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth.This diamond is way too big. and this time he asks. we'd better pull over and ask directions.I think hairy butts are really sexy. get a whiff of that one! 6. Mike asks "Well. THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY 10. as they fell into bed and made mad.Please don't throw that old T-shirt away.I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow.That chick on "Murder. "all I got was a headache.." The second guy says "I'm a DINK. 5. can I get you a beer? 8.Hey.Her tits are just way too big.. 3. THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY 10.Sometimes. So the little boy left it at that. She Wrote" gives me a woody. 5. .Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends." They asked the woman. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again. "Wow!" she exclaims. you must be right! 7.Sure. The boy remarks. Young Urban Professional." says Maureen." Making Fish Stix One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. Wash. 3.." he replies. Fuck. "but it was pretty wonderful. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. 6. 7. I would love to wear a condom. "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.xliv woman.let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.I'm absolutely wrong.you know. 8." Wife Acronym Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE.

Now. You will NOT win. completely undressed himself and buried in the sand. but we're ok now. • • • • • • When I was 20. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. You.I'm wrong. Any questions? Do NOT start with me..' So. I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.. Of course I don't look busy. and you're next..Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I asked for it. handcuffs. You have the right to remain silent. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. When I was 70. except for his 'thingie. I'm busy. When I was 30. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. I rely on them. me. But like.' which he left sticking out. Don't worry. When I was 40. And your point is. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand. whipped cream. When I was 60. "There's no justice in the world.. who cares? I don't believe in miracles. He went to the beach.... Two old ladies were strolling along the beach.. one using a cane." The other lady asked what she meant. You KNOW you want me. remarking to the other lady. I prayed for it. he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing. so please SHUT UP. I was curious about it. I paid for it. he decided to do something about it. I did it right the first time. All stressed out and no one to choke. I used to be schizophrenic. Please don't make me kill you. When I was 50. I enjoyed it. It'll only seem kinky the first time. I hate everybody. One day. YOU MUST be right! Growing Wild There was a man who really took care of his body. Guys have feelings too. . Remember my name . I forgot about it. Have a nice day.xlv 2. Women's T-shirts Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.you'll be screaming it later. she began to move it around with her cane. You're ugly.

and continued smoking. she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. He made her promise not to touch the . " He is such a sweet and gentle man. The first one said. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is. She said." A Good date These three women were roommates. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear 2 Old Ladies & A Condom Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. the telephone rang." The third one said nothing." The next day. cut off the end. in her 80s). When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself. "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one said. All the way home she putt-putted. I'm not." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. One of the ladies pulled out a condom. you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared. I'm fast. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. how can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. after all." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. I have a surprise for dinner tonight. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly. Baked Beans On Your Birthday Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. "No. "Darling. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work." Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?" Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore. "as long as it fits a Camel.xlvi I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. she stopped at the diner and before she knew it. So. but reached under her skirt. where they stuck. Lady 2: "What's that?" Lady 1: "A condom. "Doesn't matter. but politely asks what brand she prefers. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. put it over her cigarette. she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. cheap and easy. he would never go for this carrying on. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. "Now THAT'S a good date. removed her panties and threw them against the wall. If we are what we eat." she replies. Since she still had miles to walk. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.

" The second said. The next day. Then. she laughed to herself and thought : "I don't fucking think so". Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. I don't think you understand. When I got home. the first girl spoke out again. he asked her if she peeked. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. smiling contentedly to herself. they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. At this point. so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity. move into the castle with mum. she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin. which reminded her of cabbage cooking.. and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!! A beautiful fairy tale Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. "You think that was drunk? Hell. and she assured him that she had not. he removed the blindfold. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. clean my clothes. while the princess dined on frogs legs. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest. bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. "Damn. I got into a big fight with my husband. "I drove straight home and walked into the house. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room. I blew chunks. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed. Then. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom. That night. placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. Who Was More Drunk? Three women had a very late night drinking. "Listen girls. she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. saying. shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. she went on like this for another ten minutes. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? . I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. It was not only loud. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what she's told..xlvii blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. knocked a candle over. As soon as I got through the door. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. and you can prepare my meals. Chunks is my Dog!!" One-Liners Of Women Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. I was the drunkest by far. Apologizing for taking so long. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry.

"Doctor I have this problem with gas.xlviii Its Braille for "suck here". The next week the lady goes back to his office. take these pills and come back to see me next week. let's work on . "I don't know what you gave me. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you. although still silent. but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel. Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck. but now my farts. they just sit there in the dark and bitch. "Good. "Doctor. but few are blind. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick. what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None. stink terribly!" The doctor says. As a matter of fact." The doctor says." she says. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. "I see. Why do women have periods? They deserve them. Gas Problem A little old lady goes to the doctor and says.

so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. Cinderella. blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "I bet you regret having me neutered now. For a few eerie moments. "Oh thank you. no . extremely sexy. the young man said to her. that when complete he stood before her. Cinderella said. a boy. and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. out of nowhere. He leaned in close to her ear." And. that you want me to do. she was gone. since you have lived a good. Alan. quivering with fear. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. breathless. wholesome life since we last met. with a cat called Alan for companionship. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince. don't you? Risky Proposition A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall. she happily sat upon her rocking chair. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother. absolutely anything. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. "It's the least I can do. Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes." Instantly. Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body. "Congratulations. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch. her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella. with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity. whispered. Cinderella was stunned. what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied. and held her close in his young muscular arms. her wish became reality." At once. Enjoy your new life. I have decided to grant you three wishes. what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said. watching the world go by from her front porch. young man entered. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. her old faithful cat. "You have one more wish. Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied. handsome. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is overjoyed. so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen. appeared the Fairy Godmother. "Well. "I'll do anything. and said. "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. and handsome young man." Magically. One sunny afternoon. Cinderella sat.xlix your hearing. The Fairy Godmother again spoke." Watch What You Ask For Cinderella was now 75 years old. who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella.

she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?" When She Starts To Look Good. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. vivacious young woman." The woman says. When she starts to look good. er. on one condition. then I know it's time to go home. and afterwards.. The bartender says. Wedding Night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly. "What's wrong with my baby.. the doctor comes in. sits down at the bar. "Well. A businessman enters a tavern. After he finishes the drink. "Look. The young man replied." Flabbergasted.." The man replies. which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. "your heart would be just below your left breast. but your baby is a little bit different. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed. she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. "On a woman. and orders a double martini on the rocks." The woman sits up in bed and says.. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. and he says. it means your baby has the... what's that???" The doctor says.. "Well. I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. now. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him. She says. . Sagging Feeling Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. nothing's wrong. Doctor? What's wrong??" The doctor says." That Nagging. exactly." A Penis And What??? A woman gives birth to a baby.of a male and a female.. "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. because his bride was a healthy. he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. buddy." Later that night. "Clean my house. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The woman considered his proposition for a moment. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. the woman asked what the condition was. Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. "A hermaphrodite.." the doctor said. he peeks inside his shirt pocket. withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills. for $100." The woman turns pale... features... "I have to tell you something about your baby.. then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.l matter how kinky. After he finishes that one.

"What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. but only one position was available." The man got a shocked look on his face and said. the bride came down the main staircase slowly. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. with no hassle from you. I thought he meant his money!!" Traditional Roles Blown Away Several years before the Gulf War. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or cardplaying or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to. "Of course. they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. Take this gun and kill her. you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "I tried to shoot her. That's fine. Those are my rules. I guess I'm not the right man for the job. there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. with no hassle from you." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. She approached a woman at the airport and asked." they explained. "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years. but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands." said the CIA man. "Inside this room.. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. These highly classified positions are hard to fill. hung on to the counter and managed to speak. Take this gun and kill her. "you're definitely not the right man for this job then. she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. After sending some applicants through the background checks. "Land mines." The Rules A macho man married a beautiful young thing. then the door opened. On their honeymoon. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. dear. Do you understand?" His new bride smiled sweetly and said. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clockwhether you're here or not!" Never Hire A Man To Do A Womans Job A few months ago. and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to." The second man looked a bit shocked.. After the war. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. he laid down the rules." . step by step. "Whatever happened to you. hanging onto the banister for dear life. "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well. The clerk looked really concerned." they explained to the second man. All was quiet for about five minutes. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned. a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait.li But lo and behold. the next morning. training and testing. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here.

ran out to the airport. "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning." No Way Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. elderly mother to a nursing home and left her. This went on for several minutes. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S. but then the drawbridge got stuck. Take your wife and go the hell home. but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. obviously disappointed. the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. As he stormed out of the house. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes. Rather than let you down. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said. I swam across the river -. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Jones. and there stood the woman. how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice. Before the door even closed all the way. banging on the walls. Again she seemed okay." the CIA man replied. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes. "You don't have what it takes. for 13 shots.look. clearly out of breath. "What's the story this time. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change. After many rings. Take this gun and kill him. Thompson's helicopter. This is your final test." said the boss. his wife." The woman took the gun and opened the door. but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side." she replied. crashing. She seemed okay. the man angrily yelled to his wife." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion . "Except they won't let me fart. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. the CIA heard the gun start firing. landed on top of Radio City Music Hall. answered the phone. Later.O. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun." Now they're down to the woman left to test. This went on all morning. Boss. Then they heard screaming. he decided he'd better make amends and called home. and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. one shot after another. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed. "Everything went wrong this morning. fed her a tasty breakfast. to death with the chair!" This Place Stinks A family took their frail. hoping she would be well cared for." "You'll have to do better than that. got a ride on Mr. The door opened slowly. then all went quiet. "So Ma. Jones?" he asked sarcastically. my suit's still damp -." Ask Another Doctor The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.B." Jones sighed. the nurses bathed her. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. The next morning.lii "No.

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