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Gut Man

By
Daniel Welser Carroll

Two men argue over the proper way to get rid of a tiny man
who has recently taken up residency in one of their
abdomens.
Written for the Shelterbelt Theater Company: Shelterskelter

Approx run-time: 10 min. 518-810-3053


dwelsercarroll@gmail.com
1.

John is sitting in a chair


clutching his gut in severe pain.
There may be blood leaking from
between his fingers

JOHN
Paul! PAUL! AUGH! PAUL!
PAUL
(Off)
What??
JOHN
PAUL! Ohdamnit, ohhell, ohshit, PAUL!

PAUL
(Entering, pulling his pants up)
Jeeze, John - what?
JOHN
What were you doing??

PAUL
You know...my thing - Holy, wh-what the- John are you
alright what the heck happened to you? Oh man is that blood?
What’s wrong??

JOHN
Paul, oh man...something really bad...and really...bad just
happened to me. I can’t...I don’t- I don’t know-
PAUL
What is it? Did you hit yourself on something?

JOHN
This is screwed up Paul, this is screwed up, I don’t know
what this is Paul.

PAUL
WHAT IS IT?
JOHN
A - A little man...a little tiny man just jumped into my
gut.

PAUL
(Pause)
What?
2.

JOHN
I was just standing in here, like - waiting for you, and
then I turn and there’s this little tiny, like REALLY tiny
man just standing there - and he looks at me and then looks
at my stomach and gets like...happy or something and then he
just leaped...and oh god Paul, he clawed into my gut and
now...now he’s in there.
PAUL
Oh man, John - what did you take?? What did you drop before
you came? I thought you didn’t do that stuff!

JOHN
I’m not on anything Paul! There’s a little man moving around
my innards!
(Groans in pain)

PAUL
Let’s be reasonable-
JOHN
I can’t be reasonable!! I don’t know what he-er-IT, whatever
- I don’t know what it’s doing in there, Paul. For the love
of God it might be EATING ME.
PAUL
Okay, okay, okay, okay - just stay calm. Let me - uh - let
me look at the...at the entry point.
(Moves to look, John releases his
fingers a bit, groaning. Paul covers his
mouth, grossed out)
Oh gross - man, that’s a hole alright.
JOHN
What does it look like??
PAUL
Like a bloody...hole. Are you sure it wasn’t an animal or
anything?

JOHN
No it wasn’t an ANIMAL! I got a good freaking look at it! It
was a little, very little, person!
PAUL
Maybe a primate of some kind - a small monkey?

JOHN
IT HAD PEOPLE FEATURES! Well - it’s head was kinda big...and
so were it’s eyes, and it had clawed hands and feet
and...teeth...augh teeth. But it had clothes on Paul!!
3.

PAUL
What?
JOHN
Like a little - suit - it was a freaking suit - whatever is
in me right now is wearing a little suit! AUGH
(Doubles over in pain)
PAUL
Like - a pant suit?

JOHN
WHAT??
PAUL
Well are you sure it was a little man?? Was it a skirt suit?
Was it a woman?

JOHN
Come to think of it - it seemed kind of genderless other
than the suit.
PAUL
Genderless how? Like...deliberately genderless or like a
sad, unintentional kind of genderless like you see on the
subway?
JOHN
AUGH I don’t know!

PAUL
I really think we need to see an analyst about this.
JOHN
An analyst? An ANALYST?? How bout a goddamn doctor!!
ANALYST!?
PAUL
Well - I just don’t believe there’s a little man in you.

JOHN
Well - there’s a HOLE in me - so I still think a doctor
might be- AUGH OH OH AUGH!!!
PAUL
What?? What??

JOHN
He’s on the move - he’s moving - it’s moving. AUGH!
PAUL
Does it hurt??
4.

JOHN
It’s not PLEASANT!

PAUL
Let me look - let me see.
(Examines the wound again)
John I-
(Pause)
Oh hell, there is something moving...oh my...oh my...John,
please don’t feel too offended, but there’s a chance i may
vomit. A chance - it’s not certain.
JOHN
AUGH.

PAUL
Now...i’m trying to imagine what sort of animal would have
the instinct to burrow into human entrails...
JOHN
Paul, I’m not crazy - it’s a little person!!

PAUL
Let me see if I can lure it out...
JOHN
Paul! Don’t you go poking around in there - it’s mine, and
I’m feeling very fragile at the moment!
PAUL
If I can just- AH AH AH WH-AH

JOHN
WHAT? WHAT?
PAUL
He-He’s got me! He’s got my finger!

JOHN
He’s biting you??
PAUL
No! He’s just grasping me and staring indignantly.

JOHN
See! It’s a person!
PAUL
(Wrenches his hand away from John’s
torso and falls back on the floor into
the sitting position)
John. Suffice to say - I have no idea what that is.
Furthermore, I must now agree that it’s a little man inside
your guts and I’m sorry for doubting you.
5.

JOHN
DO SOMETHING!
PAUL
(Leaning in)
Sir! I am not sure why you have chosen to take up a
residency position within my friends innards - but I’ll have
you know that it’s a private place and trespassing will not
be tolerated - if you continue to squat in John’s organs,
legal action will have to be taken!

JOHN
STOP REASONING WITH HIM AND GET HIM OUT!
PAUL
Sir, I have been instructed to remove you - we are fully
within our rights to do so. You may take it up with the law
once our action is complete. Oh hell! He just looked at me!
JOHN
What?
PAUL
That bastard gave me the stink-eye! Who does he think he is?
What side of the law does-
JOHN
AUGH AUGH!

PAUL
What??
JOHN
He’s on the move again! Augh! Ohmagawd.
(Starts to choke)

PAUL
What is that? What are you doing??
JOHN
(Starts pointing franticly at the lower
part of his neck, he’s looking red and
bloated, suddenly he breathes again)
The little shit choked me! From the inside!
PAUL
How is that possible??
JOHN
I don’t know but it was the most unpleasant thing I have
ever experienced.
6.

PAUL
The situation has become dire.
(Sits on the floor, thinking hard)

JOHN
What are you doing???
PAUL
We need to think about this legally, John. This isn’t a
wayward badger or anything like that. It’s a little person.
This is a delicate situation!
JOHN
DELICATE?? My internal organs are what’s delicate! I may be
dying, PAUL.

PAUL
Now is not the time to panic.
JOHN
(His eyes roll)
I can’t believe this. GET IT OUT OF ME!
PAUL
We need to go about this professionally, John. I’m not sure
how these things work. We need to know if we have a case
against the little man in your guts. Since you yourself
haven’t taken up legal residency in your own organs and
you’re not utilizing the space for habitation, his presence
may be protected under the common law of adverse possession.
JOHN
PAUL - THEY’RE MY ORGANS!
PAUL
I’ll admit - the situation is unorthodox.
JOHN
Augh! AUGH! He’s moving again!!
PAUL
Where? Where?
JOHN
Low! Lower, he’s- AUGH!
PAUL
I don’t think we need to worry about this - i’m pretty sure
we have a case. He as the disseisor must physically use the
land as you, the property owner, would - and unless he goes
about rearranging things in there to make it more habitable
and contemporary, I’m sure he has no legitimate right to the
property your not using.
7.

JOHN
(Throwing himself from the chair,
seizing Paul)
He is inside my BODY. If he goes around rearranging things I
will be DEAD.
PAUL
That too will help proceedings.

JOHN
I AM using the space. I use them to do what organs do!
PAUL
I’m not saying we don’t have a chance.

JOHN
Augh. AUGH! He’s still traveling.
PAUL
Tell me where!

JOHN
Like...back. Back there - you know?
PAUL
Think he’s trying to make a run for it out the back door?

JOHN
I pray to all the saints in heaven that he’s not.
PAUL
Alright - we’re friends, good friends - right, John?

JOHN
Oh no...
PAUL
Now, you may not be entirely comfortable with this, but i’m
going to ask you to lean over the chair right there and drop
the back of your drawers so I can reason with the little
squatter.
JOHN
Just get him out. PLEASE!
(John staggers to the back of the chair
and leans over, dropping the back of his
pants just enough so that Paul can
reason with the little man in his bum)
PAUL
Sir - first let me assure you that our concern is in no way
associated with a discriminatory or bigoted perspective of
your size or appearance.
8.

JOHN
JUST GET THE POINT!!!
PAUL
However, we are in no way without reason and are willing to
avoid legal proceedings if you evacuate the property
immediately.
(Hushed)
Are we certain he’s in fact a man? It dawned on me that he
may be a gremlin or an imp or something and then this whole
reasoning bit would be rather silly!

JOHN
Have I not made it clear yet that I don’t give a flying shit
wheel what it is??
PAUL
That’s the attitude that’s going to get us nowhere.
JOHN
Augh! AUGH! Oh god what is that??
PAUL
Yes, hello! Sir! Yes,
do-you-understand-what-I’m-explaining-to-you.
JOHN
ACK!

PAUL
Wh-what the!
JOHN
What?

PAUL
He crept out, gave me the finger and then went back in! That
little son of a bitch!
JOHN
(Begins to weep slightly)
Just call an ambulance man - I don’t want him doing what he
just did again.
PAUL
What I want to know is how he got from entry point to there.

JOHN
No...No, i don’t want to know that. I don’t want to know
that at all.
9.

PAUL
Sir! That’s a very nice tie!
JOHN
WHAT??

PAUL
(Hushed)
First rule of negotiations is to create a cordial
environment in which to discuss delicate matters - Truth be
told, I actually like his tie - paisley is in this year.
(To the man in the bum)
Sir! Though I understand that it this moment you may be
reluctant to exit John’s entrails, it is imperative that you
evacuate so that we may better discuss the situation at
hand. At the moment no legal action is being taken against
you, you should have no fear of being apprehended. Sir!
PLEASE LEAVE IMM-
There is the sound of something
being fired - as if from a potato
gun. Both men react loudly. There
is a long pause. Paul clutches his
gut.
JOHN
Wh-what is...
(pulls up his pants and turns)
Paul?

PAUL
(Clutching his stomach, there is a bit
of blood)
Oh hell, now we’ve got a case. Repeat offense. We might even
get a settlement out of this.
(Falls over backwards)
JOHN
Oh no. I’ll call the ambulance.
(Sways on his feet a bit, clutching his
backside and midsection)
PAUL
(Sitting up slightly, puts out his hand)
Wait, John - Wait. Upon closer examination of the man during
his expulsion from your rear orifice, I’ve come to the
conclusion, quite unequivocally, that the perpetrator is
not, in fact, human.
(Falls over again)
JOHN
Yeah well...the ambulance...
(Sways again)
(MORE)
10.

JOHN (cont’d)
Actually...
(Looking ill, he sinks to the floor)
Gimme a sec...

PAUL
John! This won’t be tolerated.
(Sits up with a grunt)
JOHN
Paul...what are you doing, Paul?

PAUL
It’s the treatise of government, John! We have a right to
life-
(On one knee with a grunt)
Liberty-
(Bending over with a grunt)
and Property
(Fully standing)
JOHN
Don’t go and do anything crazy.

PAUL
It’s not crazy - it’s determination.
(Begins straining - he turns red with
exertion)

JOHN
What are you doing??
PAUL
Where there’s a will there’s a way! And I’m willing him
outta me!
(Pushes strains)
You listen to me you little gut gremlin! I’m a citizen of a
free nation! My rights are protected! So it hath been
written, so it hath been said! Freedom of men under
government is to have a standing rule to live by, common to
everyone of that society, and made by the legislative power
vested in it; a liberty to follow my own will in all things,
when the rule prescribes not, and not to be subject to the
inconstant, unknown, arbitrary will of another man!
Including GUT STEALING LITTLE RASCALS LIKE YOURSELF! I SAID
LISTEN TO ME! GET OUTTA MY INNARDS YOU SHIT HEADED LITTLE
GREMLIN! AND THAT MEANS NOW!
(With one final exertion, Paul throws
himself into the bending position, we
hear the sound of the potato gun again,
and then scuttling. Paul falls to the
floor in exhaustion)
11.

JOHN
Well...there he goes.
PAUL
There he goes.

JOHN
(Pause. They both recline, breathing
heavily)
How bout...we find ourselves...a good doctor...soon.

PAUL
Yep.
(Pause - looks up)
Fucker stole my kidney.
End of Play