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 Yourself  Heartbreak:  
How  to  Recognize  Self-­Centeredness  
By  Jane  F.  Gilgun,  Ph.D,  LICSW  

 
 
Self-­centered  people  are  incapable  of  love.    They  are  concerned  with  themselves  and  
their  own  comfort  and  desires.    They  want  emotional  gratification  from  others  and  often  
sexual  gratification,  too.    They  can  be  charming  and  delightful,  the  friend  you’ve  always  
wanted,  the  lover  you  thought  you  would  never  find.  
 
Then  they  dump  you.  You  are  shocked.    How  can  someone  with  whom  I  shared  so  much  cut  
me  off  like  this?    Self-­‐centered  persons  do  not  spend  time  talking  through  the  meanings  of  
the  relationship  you  thought  was  wonderful.    You  may  want  this,  but  the  other  person  
refuses,  often  in  ways  that  you  feel  as  if  you  want  something  that  is  unreasonable.    
 
Many  people  suffer  long  and  hard  after  a  loss  of  a  relationship  with  a  self-­‐centered  person.  
They  think  something  is  wrong  with  them.  They  don’t  realize  that  the  person  who  left  them  
is  self-­‐centered  and  is  incapable  of  love.  They  may  experience  themselves  as  having  gaping  
emotional  wounds.  Eventually,  they  may  have  an  underlying  sense  of  something  being  
wrong,  but  they  don’t  know  what  it  is.  They  may  be  afraid  of  forming  other  intimate  
relationships  because  they  now  expect  the  next  person  they  begin  to  care  about  will  do  the  
same  thing.  
 
No  one  has  helped  them  see  that  the  person  who  hurt  them  is  self-­‐centered.  This  person  
did  not  love  you.  Love  is  the  active  concern  for  the  well-­‐being  of  the  other.  Someone  who  
loves  you  promotes  your  well-­‐being.  A  cut-­‐off  with  no  discussion  hurts.  Someone  who  cares  
about  you  explains  how  s/he  sees  the  relationship  and  what  s/he  wants.  The  person  is  
there  for  you,  to  listen  to  your  side  of  the  story,  your  hurt  and  expectations.    You  feel  heard  
and  understood.  You  in  turn  may  feel  as  if  you  heard  the  other  person  and  you  understand  
and  respect  what  the  other  person  wants.  
 
Sometimes  relationships  that  have  deep  meaning  to  one  person  may  not  have  the  same  
meaning  to  the  other.    When  love  exists,  each  person  listens  to  and  hears  the  other.  The  
relationship  will  change  and  will  reflect  what  both  persons  want.    The  person  who  wanted  
more  will  understand.  The  person  who  does  not  want  what  the  other  person  wants  will  feel  
understood  and  will  also  empathize  with  the  hurt  the  other  experiences.  
 
Love  is  the  active  promotion  of  the  well-­‐being  of  the  other.  Both  the  dumper  and  the  
dumpee  who  know  this  and  live  this  will  not  experience  prolonged  suffering,  but  will  
respect  each  other  and  themselves.  
 
Try  it.  
 
About  the  Author  
 
Jane  F.  Gilgun,  Ph.D.,  LICSW,  is  a  writer  and  professor.    See  Professor  Gilgun’s  other  articles,  
books,  and  children’s  stories  of  scribd.com,  Amazon  Kindle,  and  iBooks  for  a  variety  of  e-­‐
readers  and  mobile  devices.  
 
References  
 
  Gilgun,  Jane  F.  (2011).    Lust,  agape,  philia,  and  erotic  love:  Meanings  in  interpersonal  
relationships.  http://www.scribd.com/doc/49713369/Lust-­‐Agape-­‐Philia-­‐and-­‐Erotic-­‐Love-­‐
Meanings-­‐in-­‐Personal-­‐Relationships  
 
  Gilgun,  Jane  F.  (2010).  On  being  a  shit:  Unkind  deeds  and  cover-­‐ups  in  everyday  life.  
http://www.scribd.com/doc/16545438/On-­‐Being-­‐a-­‐Shit-­‐Unkind-­‐Deeds-­‐CoverUps-­‐in-­‐
Everyday-­‐Life