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Damnit man, i'm a doctor not an angry lesbian! Ian B is the batmobile Want to murder the snowflakes in my driveway. THAT'S RIGHT FROSTY! MELT!!!!! Ian B warns men not to give a child to their girlfriend for valentine's day. Especially if that child isn’t yours Ian B knows what dyslexic Evangelicals worry about. Temptations from Santa and what Dog thinks about them Ian B is spinning in a sea of marmalade. MARMALADE! Ian B is thinking WTF at this new weather. It was sunny 4 hours ago and now it's storming. ****ing Ohio weather I was doing time in the county jail and all I could think was: who names their son time? They should do a Mythbusters: Celebrity Breasts edition. Which ones are fake and which ones are real? A guy once told me "hate is a kind of love if you think about it". This guy also believed the CIA is responsible for the rise of mcdonalds. The first belief might have been a bit more true than the second Ian B in space, nobody can hear your shitty singing columbus day, eh? Anybody want to rape and pillage later? I would like to propose rule 34.314, if it exists, math can be applied to it according to traditional logic, a piece of bread is better than true love. list of banned words/phrases for 2010: Racist, socialist, Nuclear, Nucular, Swine Flu, liberal, conservative (and their corresponding party names), The Game, and loose until you realize, there is no spoon. ONLY FORKS! i am not a marmoset. Now kindly move on with your day a wild pop quiz has appeared! Ian uses BS! It's super effective :-)

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whoever made this ASIC chemistry assignment is a mean spirited person who doesn't know the meaning of christmas wouldn't mind being in a padded cell. Strange people, but i'm used to that. Nice soft cell, free room and board, and all the electricity i could ever need currently downloading a car. Take that laws of physics! <insert hate message over new facebook layout here> you never know rob. with hentai, you could take any inanimate object and make it screw some other inanimate object. Such as, say, a xbox turning into a guy raping a Wii turned into a girl I am too tired to deal with conversation at the moment. Just had a conversation about the profitability of product placement in hentai Hmm.....with hippies there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just pot what a winter wonderland.....more like winter clusterf*** from what i am seeing on the roads here reading Mein Kampfy couch. Hitler really knew personal comfort <insert song lyrics pertaining to situation here> Kill your doppelgangers before they kill you and replace you "draw your horrible drawings and laugh at them" "bryan, i have no writing utensils" "do you have bacon grease?" hear thunder, see lightning: Candidate for the chinese army. Eat thunder and s*** lightning: Zeus. remember the difference kiddies "use more not gates" is starting to become my philosophy for circuit design. Become a burn victim, have a good poker face Download music illegally in the RIAA executive offices, then s*** on their conference table Misery loves company, but Insanity loves pineapple. Man what i wouldn't do for some pineapple right now So...if you have to have part of your colon removed.....does that mean you have a semicolon?

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Bad nerdy pickup line number 56: Can i call you mudkip, cause I liek you is it strange that i had an argument about religion with the scary thing in my nightmare from saturday night in a followup dream from last night Being hairy is fun. It keeps the warmth in Something worse than death happened....ran out of TP. NOOOOOOO Some people say i cannot cook. This offends me. I can cook, I just have a limited range of recipes i can cook >New Bill and Ted Movie >Keanu Reeves is 45 years old >Bill and Ted's Quite Enjoyable Midlife Crisis Adventure Dear people. Please stop worrying about the words "under god" in the pledge of allegiance. Go protest something that matters, like the existence of Mars. I mean, look at it. It's sucked up so many of our resources already. There's nothing there, yet we put billions into studying it just cause of our damnable curiosity. Let's put all those nukes we have to good use and blow it to kingdom come! Yo dawg, I heard you like [CLASSIFIED], so I [CLASSIFIED] a [CLASSIFIED] in your [CLASSIFIED] so you can [CLASSIFIED] while you [CLASSIFIED] The master sword: a time machine that can kill people In a year, blu-ray will just be another dead format. Betamax is where it's at! Hello, my name is inigo montoya, what would you like to try on today? I have a confession to make....I....am.....ILLITERATE! Overheard phrase of the day: Mybrosoft Winbros This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old. Not satchel charges, Manpurse charges. we could all use more kidneys Remember the difference between Gorilla forces and Guerilla forces. One of those concepts is a lot less frightening than the other

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It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like s***, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." -anonymous Fat white guy blasting kanye out of a red pseudosportscar....only in America That’s no urinal, That’s a space station! That is correct, they are superior in quality to yours. That is correct, they are superior in quality to yours I could instruct you, but i would have to charge a nominal fee Does Lady gaga go to wall street and put on her broker face? would an angry breakup be considered a ragequit? I'm not a fugitive, i just enjoy racing the police. They're the only adults who take footracing seriously nowadays Chell and Gordon freeman get married. No wedding cake due to GLADOS catering, both go to honeymoon suite via portal. Marriage anulled shortly after honeymoon due to lack of communication and the fact that Gordon's solution to everything is crowbar to the face Just got done with Midday consumption ritual. Time to go into a coma for a while and hallucinate Typing this using these little plastic things and looking at the result on a giant glowing rectangle, am i crazy? random drunk topless girl busts into my room, followed seconds later by two of her friends. She starts flailing around on one of the spare beds trying to grab the nutri-grains out of the box that i store on that bed. Her friends the whole time are yelling "put your shirt back on!" Then she escapes to the bathroom, where the shirt is apparantly forced on. I don't have a one-track mind. I have an eight track mind. Soon it might be a CD mind, but that's a while off I can never take Toyota Highlanders seriously after seeing the movie. I want to modify one with a scottish flag on the back, two swords along the sides, sword hood ornament, and a horn modified to spout the quote "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” I completely forgot it was earth day today. Eh, i'll hug a tree tomorrow as penance

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was there a dance last night? cause i saw about 6 girls wearing very revealing dresses in 40 degree weather last night. I admire them, it takes dedication to dress like a whore when it's that cold Old external drive finally died.....time to smash! Anybody who hears evil laughing followed by smashing sounds escaping my room have no fear, i'm just making sure nobody can recover the data on it I have a confession to make...i'm addicted to Oxygen. I have been all my life. I started out as an oxygen baby, then I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry to all the people who I have hurt with my addiction, but i'm afraid to quit. There's a 100 percent death rate from withdrawal. Sorry guys if you want to see what female oompa loompas look like, just look at a high school cheerleading squad My hometown's (avon) original name was Xeuma. why the HELL did we ever change that name Acquire lemons, beat scurvy Sorry wales, your princess is in another cast-oh wait no she's all over the road. Ew If you're reading this, then i have an important message for you. You can read! I always thought of the president as equal parts leader and scapegoat Lack of religion doesn't make somebody a bad person, the same as having faith doesn't automatically make you a good person. I can text with a drink in my hand and lady gaga cannot. Score one for the commoners Gordon Freeman, an autistic MIT graduate, took down the combine with a crowbar and an HEV suit. Who said kids with mental disabilities can't do great things? Doomed and finished can have very similar meanings, but only in context. "If this bridge is finished, we are all doomed" and "If this bridge is doomed, we are so finished" are logical opposites what do you call a pimple on Shaquille O'Neal? Shaqne I don't talk much because sup dawg is a form of greeting. I'll let you figure that one out on your own

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You can't change the past, but if you could change the collective memory of that past, wouldn't that be almost the same thing? New Euphemism for intercourse: pants off dance off time When all you have left is your sense of humor and a banana, sit there and laugh until the big men with needles take you away to the soft place What would happen if the Green Party and the Tea Party were to combine? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you limes, don't try to cure scurvy. When life gives you both, make sprite Madness? Naw, this is my mind. Unlike sparta (and some gay bars), I don't have half-naked yelling men and a gigantic gaping well. Why did they have a well that large anyways? I mean, I know you have to get water, but small children and drunk people could fall into that thing. Out trying to catch my refrigerator. Those people on the phone were very helpful. Don't feed the hand that bites Jay-Z has 99 problems and a bitch ain't one. Master of Harem has 99 problems and they're all bitches. I wonder what george washington would think if he knew his primary role in today's society is being a stripper's best friend. Am I the only one who thinks it's ironic that Gary Coleman, who was famous for being on the TV show "Different Strokes" died of Brain Hemmhoraging (a type of stroke) Don't type at me in that tone of text young lady. I will give you a textual flaying like you've never seen! The easiest way to do something is not necessarily the best or the right way. For example, the easy way lose 10-20 pounds is to cut off your own leg.

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100. Literary criticism of the New Testament: Too many authors so it feels a bit disjointed and Jesus is such a Gary Stu 101. The most badass part of christianity is that we made a slow, painful medieval execution method our most holy symbol. 102. Ladies and gentlemen for the last time, that is a moon, not a space station. We don't have a space station that looks like a moon. That would just be silly.

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Fact: Mario has killed more things than Batman

104. Working on my new novel. It's a minotaur romance novel for teenage girls that will blow twilight OUT OF THE FREAKING WATER! 105. 106. 107. 108. 109. 110. Virgin Mobile has a gaming division, virgin gaming. Ironic The army is building giant spy blimps. No punchline needed I wonder if necrophiliacs have a hatred for pedoecrophiliacs Spoiler alert: everyone dies At least the oil spilling into the ocean is organic The opposite of somebody trying to find their inner child is a pedophile

111. Irony: the same girls that make fun of guys for liking fantasy elves and anime girls are the same girls who read about romantic sparkly vampires and jealous werewolves, both of which are pedophiles. 112. 2 is a partnership, 3 is a crowd, 4 is a party, and 5 is an orgy. This is a fundamental law of the universe 113. You live in a country where being fat is a huge issue, not a luxury. Be happy to live where you are 114. When I was little I was always told my body was a temple and should be treated as such. Now that I am older I realize how horrifying this is. I don't want people coming inside me and praying! 115. I gots a question: if the tin-man wanted a heart, why didn't he just cut one out of somebody with his freaking axe?! 116. 117. 118. 119. 120. Is it inappropriate to tell homeless people knock knock jokes? Playing clue with hippies is easy. It's always Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds I like my steaks like I like my women. Still alive, but tenderized The problem with nudists is that they're usually people you don't want to see naked would you call zombiism an std?

121. Screwdriver is innocent enough as a noun, but turning it into a verb can be a very bad idea while in motion 122. 123. 124. what happens when you combine daleks and hard rock? rage against the time machine Next time I go to an airport, i'm taking a viagra Two and a half men should be about 2 men and a parapalegic. Much more dramatic

125. Frogger needs a gritty reboot. A sentient frog trying to cross the street...but WHY? What is this frog's motivation? and can we add a beard? 126. Super pork. There, I have made my contribution to the english language. Now i'm going off to enjoy some nice spork 127. 128. 129. 130. 131. girls have places where I don't even have places. It's scawy 2010 will end. There, there's my psychic prediction of the year. Can i have a TV show now? Peaches come from a man, they were put there by a can My new year's resolution: 1680x1050 My mother: You look too happy, are you really working?

132. "No luke, I'm your father" Luke: "that's not true, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Vader: "Stop whining, at least you HAVE a father, unlike me!" 133. A man finds a genie and asks for a giant wang. An hour later an 8 foot tall chinese man shows up at his door. 134. I went to apply for a job at a fertility clinic. They asked for my job experience. I told them I spent 7 months as a fetus. they were not amused 135. Am i the only one who noticed that Ariel is a hoarder?

136. My brain is fried. Too...much...work. All I can think of are dirty jokes, even dirtier jokes, and jokes that could get me sent to prison... 137. Ohio's Boehner is now the speaker of the house.....as if our country wasn't enough of a laughingstock

138. Reactions to their kid being diagnosed with Hepatitis B. Normal Parents: What are our treatment options? Strict asian parents: WHY YOU NO GET HEPATITIS A?! 139. Still don't understand why people pay hundreds of dollars for shoes. If my shoes are going to cost 150, they better be threaded with unicorn hair or give me the power of flight or make me cum diamonds (which, in retrospect, would be very painful). They cost maybe 15 bucks to make (including labor) and are no different structurally than any other shoe. 140. 141. 142. Every woman's a ten, just depends on which base you're counting in "Ian I can't find the printer!" "it's right next to you mom" "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!" it's raining, it's pouring, your mother is a dirty whore

143. My sister asked me what was a good gift for a guy/boyfriend and told me to be honest. I said sex. She slapped me. Women.... 144. People say beauty is skin deep. I call bullshit. Any surgeon and/or serial killer can attest to the fact that some people's internal organs look better than others 145. 2 things. 1) women, if you don't like guys staring at your boobs, then stop drawing so much attention to them with revealing clothing 2) Also, if you have a shirt with words on the front on, expect those words to be read. Especially since they're over your boobs. 146. 147. 148. 149. 150. your status is not song lyrics. Stop that The status below is false The above status is true Why do we say sick as a dog. Far as I can see, my dog is much less sick than me The egyptian government is so flawed. All it is is one big pyramid scheme

151. Welp, the patriot act is toast. Now we can't call listening to arab phone sex patriotic any more.... 152. 153. If I were going to become a gynecologist, I would wear a mining lamp while on the job #ifyoureallylovedhim You would give him anal, cause nothing says "I love you" like anal

154. #ifyoureallylovedher You would bring another woman home with you. Women love to do things in groups

155. If somebody is dating a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered cheating if you havesex with a different personality? 156. If somebody is dating a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered cheating if you have sex with a different personality? 157. I saw a sign today that said "Spay or neuter your best friend". If that's god sending me a message, then i'm becoming a satanist 158. I was volunteering at a homeless shelter last weekend and the guy I was working next to looked to be in his late 40's. turns out he was 56 and retiring soon. I asked his secret, turns out he was never married 159. Let the bodies hit the floor,let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the fl-ewww it's everywhere. 160. Bucket list 143: Buy silicone head and put it in freezer when guests come over 161. Sirius Black: Turns into a dog, rides a flying motorcycle, major support for main character. Jacob Black: Turns into a wolf, rides a regular motorcycle, major support for main character. Am I the only one who noticed this? 162. 163. I believe in psychorectal warfare I wonder....does surgery void a person's warranty?

164. Misogynistic fact #24: Women are generally good writers cause a book is just a sandwich with words in the middle 165. About 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Do You know what the other 50 percent end in? Death. Divorce doesn't seem so bad now, does it? 166. Man who change tires all day have rim job

167. I was doing some carpentry and I realized something. Penises are like wood. It's always better to cut/buy too long than too short, cause you can fix too long easily, fixing too short though and you have to buy a whole new piece of wood 168. My name is Ian B and I like to bombard my food with high-frequency electromagnetic radiation 169. With all the flooding in Northeast Ohio, I could start a boat tour. 20 bucks to loot, 30 pound limit to looted objects per person 170. Pretty little liars: A show about a bunch of sluts trying to find out who killed the head slut.

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Let's get down to business, to defeat, THE PUNS! What's a stormtrooper's favorite cell provider? AT-AT

173. In united states, you "blow up" phone with text message. In Middle East, phone blows you up with text message 174. It's kind of amazing how we use explosions in our daily life and how we take these explosions for granted. Anything gas powered is powered by thousands of little explosions a minute. We even get pissed off that it's costing more to have these explosions happen due to a shortage in explosive fuel which we mine from its source by building complicated metal towers and put people all around it 175. Bad Biology joke: Why are the 3 stooges always so happy? Cause they have excess dopamine! 176. Irony: Sigourney Weaver spends four movies trying to kill aliens and the biggest movie she was in has her character trying to save them 177. If it's wrong to be a 30 year enya-loving luchador with an encyclopedic knowledge of industrial applications of potatoes, then i'm glad i'm right 178. I went to the american tea party. There was no tea, but I got my dose of free radicals for the week 179. Step 1: cut a hole in a box. Step 2: put your junk in that box Step 3: Have her open the box. And that is how you do it...it's a pet in a box! 180. If you touch your uvula, you can taste all the food you had in the last 12 hours

181. Almost got sandwiched between 2 teenage girls on the highway...and not in the good way either

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