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TRAFFIC WOES COULD BE RESOLVED
Rising fuel prices may be a dark cloud with a silver lining! It seems that the Dominican Republic has just now realized what so many of us have known for years. It’s chaos out there on the roads of this country. Most of us feel we are putting our lives at risk just going to the grocery store. Recently, numerous reports have surfaced detailing the problems on Dominican roadways. From the fact that most Dominican drivers are unlicensed to the admission by drivers that they blatantly and knowingly violate the rules of the road and the realization that the hundreds of thousands of tickets and fines issued yearly apparently in no way impedes these actions. None of this is a shock to anyone who lives or drives here. But a solution may be at hand! Weekly spikes in fuel prices may, with luck, lead to reduced vehicles on the road. Of course, if the prices get much higher, most of us won’t be able to afford to drive far. Maybe we can turn the roads into pedestrian walkways. Let’s face it - you can get a decent pair of walking shoes for the price of just one gallon of gas these days!
- They walk among us - but their knuckles probably drag on the ground! Page 6 - Money saving confessions! - CM uncovers oceans of knowledge! Page 13 - The morning after!
Yennys Market Loase Resort Supermercado Tropical Sam’s Bar & Grill The Catamaran Bar R&B Bakery The Restaurant Pascual Fast Food Los Tres Cocos Estrella Restaurant & Beach Bar
What To Do This Month Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Costambar Cable Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!
Estrella del Mar Restaurant & Beach Bar in Costambar is a family run business with the best food on the beach! Pass by and say hi to chefs Clara & Domingo. Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Like Australian Lamb, Imperial Duck Breast or French Lamb Rack - just to name a few. Call 809-993-4503 for details. Rick’s Cafe in Atlantic One has a great Happy Hour daily from 4-7pm! They also offer light breakfasts, tasty pasta dishes and fresh sandwiches.
Why not check out Agua Zohreh, the new water Loase Resort is available for weddings, birthdays, spiritual or self improvement groups. company just outside Costambar entrance, and see how they produce natural water with all the Look for classes in meditation and yoga or workout with racquetball, handball or wallyball. minerals? Call 809-970-3300 for more information and to find out how you can get this healthiWireless internet, big screen movies and er water delivered to your door. concerts. Sam’s Bar & Grill still serves a great value breakfast and quite possibly the best Fish ‘N’ Chips in the world! Hanky Panky celebrates his 84th birthday on May 27th with a free buffet & other entertainment. New menu coming this month! Check the chalkboard for daily specials! The place for good food, good friends and good fun!
This Month's Newfie joke... Rick met George in the street and said, 'George, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?' 'Bejaysus Why?' George asked. 'Because,' said Rick, 'The whole street was laughAt The Catamaran on Costambar Beach you’ll ing when they saw you and your missus making find great food at great prices enjoyed with a love yesterday.' million dollar view! Help Paul & Belgica celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary on May George said, 'Stupid idiots, the laugh's on them ... 16th - live music & onion bahcey. They also hold I wasn't even home yesterday.' a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month beginning at 10am. No cost to SAY YOU vendors! Like they say - your trash could be SAW IT IN someone else’s treasure! COSTAMBAR
Opening May 5th in Costambar is The Restaurant. Mark & Louise invite you to join them for homecooked food prepared fresh daily. Happy Hour from 4-7pm. Louise’s Fish & Chips on Mondays. Closed Tuesdays. R&B German Bakery offers the best ‘all day’ breakfast in town! While there check out their freshly baked breads, different meals and delicious desserts. Gourmet German Food Products!! Wireless internet! Pascual’s Fast Food on Costambar Beach specializes in seafood from their live lobster tank. Also available for parties and events!
PLEASE NOTE - No new ads or changes will be accepted within 4 days of the end of the month.
Contact Us Tel: 809-970-7507 Cell: 809-449-1820 Email: costambarmonthly @yahoo.ca
LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBAR’S NEW FLEA MARKET AT THE FOR SALE 15HP Johnson outboard motor. Short shaft,good runner, CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! US$800 Call 809-449-1819 FREE TO VENDORS!!! FREE A quantity of plant chemicals and nutrients, plus pots and FOR SALE 1 whirlpool air conditioner (floor unit) 12,000 BTU. This canes. Free. Call 809-216-3152 unit is like new, used for 1 month. Has two remotes, inFOR SALE structions and window kit. $450.00. BBQ, custom made, heavy duty. Also: 1 sharp carousel microwave. Asking $135.00 Call 829-962-9690 You may call at 809-261-5336 to get more information.
FOR SALE 33foot sailboat, Glander Tavana class yawl, good condition/ minor work needed, less than 1500 hours on new 20 horse Kuboto engine and trans. A MUST SEE! Located in Luperon bay. Call Sean @ (808) 782-2534. Any reasonable offer accepted. FOR SALE Pool/Jacuzzi Heater. StaRite 400K BTU Maxi-Therm propane heater. Recently rebuilt and overhauled including a new heat exchanger that cost $RD40,000. Cost new was $RD130,000. Asking $RD75,000 OBO. This is a real bargain! Please call 809-970-3268 Costambar FOR SALE Small microwave for sale, as new condition. RD$2,000 Chest freezer, as new RD$10,000 DVD player, new in box RD$1,500 Call 809-449-1819 FOR SALE Casio stainless steel mans watch. Many functions and moon phase /tide graph Brand new in box RD$1,500 Call 809-449-1819 FOR SALE One on demand hot water shower with hose. Comes with 50 feet of electical wire and 50 amp fuse all you need for a hot shower when ever there is eletricity. cost over 2000 peso's and is only 3 months old 1200 peso's or best offer. Call Tom at 829-934-4619 FOR SALE LG 20 inch TV Multi-voltage, multi-system. Good condition. RD$4,000 Call 809-449-1819
WANTED House-sitting position. Romanian journalist working in DR. 42yrs old. Speak Spanish,French,English. Non-smoker. Will house-sit your residence or business in return for place to sleep,cook & work 'on-line'.Local references available. Call Daniel, 829-279-8437
Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be placed by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820
PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.
SAY YOU SAW IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHLY!
THEY WALK AMONG US! One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, '"Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff." I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" While working at a pizza place, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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THEY WALK AMONG US (& MANY WORK RETAIL) I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back -- same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-onefree coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' "They're already buyone-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
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Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing out- I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that side with the other kids, when he came into the he had a home. He followed me into the house, house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour when two people sleep in the same bedroom and later, he went to the door, and I let him out. one is on top of the other?' The next day he was back, resumed his position in She was a little taken aback, but she decided to the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called several weeks. .’ Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every after‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside noon your dog comes to my house for a nap." to play with the other kids. The next day he arrived with a different note A few minutes later he came back in and said angri- pinned to his collar: ly, 'Grandma it called sexual intercourse. It's "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him to you.' tomorrow?"
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what o do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “What did you do?” The woman says, “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.” A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,“Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Priest: “What did you do?” Man: “I committed adultery.” Priest:”How many times?” Man: “Three times.” Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.” The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.” Rabbi:”What did you do?” Woman: “I committed adultery.” Rabbi: “How many times?” Woman: “Once.” Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars
Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India . The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for computer problems.
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
A man starts his new job at the Dublin zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?' The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.'
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it. He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: 'Red............cherry,' ' Yellow.........lemon,' 'Green..........lime, 'Orange .......orange.' Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'
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SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 14
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.
12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49
CNN FOX SPORT BOOMERANG ABC NBC CBS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO
51 56 57 64 66 69 70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85
CINE CANAL SPEED ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD DISCOVERY KIDS WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE
Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy
809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- A couple drove down a country road for several A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at had led to an argument and neither of them wanther. She immediately moved to another seat. ed to concede their position. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and moved again. The man seemed more amused. pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives When on the fourth move, the man burst out laugh- of yours?" ing, she complained to the driver and he had the "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge GOT A SMALL BUSINESS? asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had NEED MORE EXPOSURE? to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well Your Honor, it was like this: COSTAMBAR MONTHLY when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but BUSINESS CARD DIRECTORY notice her condition. She sat down under a sign CAN GET YOU THAT EXPOSURE that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and BREAKING THE BUDGET! I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swell- "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items ing,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself un- the woman wished to purchase. der a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. control for a television set in her purse. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come could have prevented this Accident!' shopping with me, so I figured this was the most ... I just lost it.' CASE DISMISSED!! legal evil thing I could do to him."
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Everything You Need At Good Prices!
Open 8:00am to 9:30pm daily Calle Principal, Costambar Tel: 809-970-3028
MY SMALL BUSINESS
The Best Little Business on the North Coast 123 Any Street, Puerto Plata 809-555-5555 email@example.com
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THE BEST VALUE FOR YOUR ADVERTISING PESO!
Contact Us Tel: 809-970-7507 Cell: 809-449-1820 Email: costambarmonthly @yahoo.ca
SAY YOU SAW IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHLY!
Bruce Van Sant takes you away but always brings you back to Puerto Plata - the place he’s called home for 30 years. Sixty-four true stories culled from his sailing log books. Available from ThornlessPath.com & Amazon.com - also available in ebook format. #1 on Costambar Monthly’s Bestsellers List (if they had one!)
Trying to Sell Your Boat? Why Not Get More Exposure By Advertising It In Costambar Monthly!
STAINLESS STEEL SWAGE FITTINGS AND LIFELINES
AT U$ PRICES! DELIVERED IN A WEEK! FOR MORE INFO CALL COLIN 809-449-1819
L U P E The trouble with life is there's R no background music! O N
SAY YOU SAW IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHLY!
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Friends may come and friends may go... ut enemies accumulate.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. "I think my friend is dead!” he gasps. "What can I do?” The operator says, "Calm down – I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?”
SAY YOU SAW IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHLY!
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
AVAILABLE FOR Weddings, Birthdays, Self Improvement Or Church Groups. We cater or bring your own food. Ask about special rates for charitable events. A beautiful, tranquil, private and controlled setting.
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Call Jose for Info 809-837-6845 or 809-970-7861
Family Run Business Since 2001 Dominican & American Style Food Chefs Clara & Domingo
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
EN OP AYS D 7 TI L L 8 TE LA
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Jose del Carmen Ariza #34, PuertoPlata 829-246-7525 or 829-426-0201 firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com
GOOD FOOD!! GOOD FRIENDS!! GOOD FUN!!
DAILY & WEEKLY SPECIALS! CHECK THE CHALKBOARD!
COME FOR THE GREAT FOOD AT GREAT PRICES AND THE MILLION DOLLAR VIEW!
THE GOOD HUSBAND Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son...what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!” Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time..... PRICELESS!!
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24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!'
Do you get the feeling they need to look up the meaning of ‘stroller’??
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Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!) When you rearrange the letters: dirty room When you rearrange the letters: best in prayer When you rearrange the letters: moon starer When you rearrange the letters: they see When you rearrange the letters: he bugs Gore When you rearrange the letters: here come dots When you rearrange the letters: cash lost in me When you rearrange the letters: is no amity When you rearrange the letters: lies - let's recount When you rearrange the letters: alas! no more z 's When you rearrange the letters: im a dot in place When you rearrange the letters: twelve plus one AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: When you rearrange the letters: woman hitler
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
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