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filks of or about "Banned from Argo" — plus the original — each with a comment by Leslie Fish

A Random Factors Production

Synergy Press (Lee Gold)

Editors: John & Mary Creasey Project Leader: Lee Gold Typesetter: Michael Liebmann Proofreaders: John & Mary Creasey, Michael Liebmann, Barry Gold Cover art: Don Simpson Scoring: Mary Creasey

This is a collection of works of parody and satire. No intent exists to infringe upon rights held by Paramount Pictures Corporation, the Gene Roddenberry estate, or anyone else. "Star Trek"TM is a trademark of Paramount Pictures Corporation.

"Banned From Argo" was originally released in 1977 on Solar Sailors, a production of The Bandersnatchi Press, Inc., and is 1977 by Leslie Fish; copyright assigned to Random Factors. Bastard Children of Argo is published by Random Factors and is 2001. All songs © by their respective authors, to whom rights revert on publication. All other rights reserved.

Alphabetical Index of Songs by Title
Absolutely the Last Remake of "Fuel to Feed the Drive" ati-Argo (Blackeagle) Anti-Argo (Moursund) Argo Calypso: Part One Argo Every Day Argo Revisited Argo: The Return Argo to "Sloop John B" Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter BFA:TNG Ban "Banned" Band from Argo (Cu1pin, Ailcock, Bass) Band from Argo (Ellis) Banned from ACME Banned from Argo (Leslie Fish) Banned from Argo Again Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) Banned from Argo - New Verse Banned from Argo - The Next Generation (Daverin) Banned from Argo: The Next Generation (Fox-Davis) Banned from Argo, the Next Generation (Wood) Banned from Argo (Short Version) Banned from Argo - Show Stopper #1 Banned from Argo - Still ,.-xkqnned from Argo - V1.0 Beta Banned from Argo's Ghost Banned from Argyle Banned from Armor Banned from Catalina Isle Banned from ConChord Banned from Egils Banned from Egypt Banned from Estrella Banned from Filkdom Banned from Filking (Shuch) Banned from Filking (Nisbet) Banned from Hiltons Banned from Oxford Banned from Pennsic (Bowen) 6 69 20 8-9 82 12-13 7 10 11 14-15 20 18 16-17 19 88-91 57 35 60 22-23 24-25 21 28 23 26-27 83 28 29 9 32 30-31 33 34-35 36 62 37 79 38 84-85 40-41 39 Banned from Pennsic (Webb) 42 Banned from Russia 44-45 Banned from Seagirt Banned from Sturgis 43 Banned to Egypt 46 17 Bored with Argo The "Bound for Argo" Suite 48-49 Bound for Pennsic 47 Camp Argo - the Worldfilk Affair 80-81 52 Canned by Argo The Chase 50 Deep Space Argo 51-52 53 Early One Morning 54 Eye of Argon: the filksong Filk "Banned from Argo" 55 58 Filking Argo The Fithp Invasion Song 56-57 49 Ghost Filkers 27 Griefsleeves 75 Ladies' Night on Argo 87 Last Word 15 Leslie Fish's Melody Like a Tribble to the Slaughter 59 60 Medea's Curse Move Over, Dr. Frankenstein 61 A Planet 62 63 Que Neo Neo 64 Scans to Argo (Osier) 74 Scans to Argo (Maier) 42 Sick of Argo 66-67 Song of the Fydraca's Crew Talking Banned From Argo 68-69 Then We Scanned Key Largo Just for Puns 65 70 They're Singing "Banned from Argo" Tired of Argo 71 72 The US and Us 73 A Use for Argo 31 Voyage beyond All Belief 63 Voyager 76-77 Where No Fish Has Gone Before 78-79 Why That Song? 86-87 Writing Porno

an Index by Author (specifying Title) is at the end of this songbook c. cro or-, s s (pisces: the sign of the fish)
Introduction, Rebuttal, and Editorial Comments Discography A Few Notes 3-5 85 89


The default tune for these songs is BFA. Other tunes are noted, but It isn't.

Robin Oye. To be specific.Steve Reubart's -.and soon realized that I'd need a name for the planet in question. so I borrowed the name. we practiced for the rest of the evening. We thought it would make a neat filler for that four-minute gap in the recording time. gave them plenty of opportunity for improvs and a canned veggie company.. was hard to rhyme listening to the rough dump of the results. The rest came easily.and besides. in need of R&R. We got it down in four takes. Now. the recording studio at Ohio State U. my eye fell on the contents of Steve Reubart's garbage can. Wrigley's Pleasure Planet was too long a name. we had enough serious songs. sounded too much like the name of a famous chewing gum company. we needed another four minutes filled in on one side. As I recall. can't you write just one more song -about four minutes long?" Oy. how about one for the entire crew.brand name: Argo.INTRODUCTION How I Came to Write This Song or What Have You Created. Frankenstein? Or AAAARRGH! OH. in which lay an empty can of corn -. it worked well on mandolin and banjo. went off to a well-deserved party.. Mary Frohman and sometimes Carol Shuttleworth too) were down in Columbus. got minimal sleep." Robin and Kathy loved the nice catchy tune. Bastard Children of Argo page 3 .. Kathy Taylor. Ohio making the master tape of what would later be the album SOLAR SAILORS. The engineer loved it too. Everybody in general cracked up over the words. OK. "When we pulled into Argo port. went back to the studio and recorded the song next day. with a verse for each? Hmmm. duplicating and cover printing went smoothly enough. what would they all be doing that would rate one verse apiece?. The tape sounded fine.. So what was left? Well.. but we all did the songs together and hoped to Ghu there were no mistakes) and spent the evening at our producer's -.. I started writing. Dr.Well. Steve asked: "Hey. I didn't think it likely we'd be discovered -. but when we were finished we realized that there was a problem: the album was a wee bit too short. didn't have multi-tracking capability. it all started back in 1977 when my band. AAAAARRGH! by Leslie Well. then headed home to await the final result. The Dehorn Crew (me. The editing.let alone sued -. The things I do for Art. pressing. the engineer stuck individual mikes on all of us. Of course. Had to find something better. didn't scan well. so how about a lightweight piece? Aha! What We All Did On Shore Leave! That would cover all the bases. thought a bit and realized that I'd written a song for just about every character in the STAR TREK Classic pantheon. Leslie. So. We'd just finished recording all the filksongs we'd brought with us (in those days. and we had the finished LP in time for the Xmas rush.

I knew I'd really created a monster when I started getting songs about the original BFA written to yet other tunes -. the fans complied -.often several times per con -. verily. The really scary part is. At this point I gave up. word began to spread and sales to pick up. For the next few years. so next I asked that please. FOLK SONGS FOR FOLK WHO AIN'T EVEN BEEN YET).. Ye Who Enter Here. (In fact. We may have to do a sequel to this thing! Does anybody remember that old Arch Obeler radio play about the mutated chicken heart that ate the world? Ka-THUMP.. I made a general announcement asking the fen to please not ask me to sing it more than once per con.but then. every one.. and I made a point of hitting every convention I . Ye gods. they started filking it. Pretty soon. but none of them was "Banned From Argo". So. That didn't stop other filkers from singing it -. as appropriate as the censorship laws allow. they'd sing filks on it instead. Bad enough were the first-generation BFA filks that only added new words to the old tune. on our previous release. Yea. they kept their promise and didn't sing that bleeping song in my presence. at every con I went to. lots of folks had heard our filks -. I'd only intended to thin out my filk-book while saving some of the more remarkable examples of filky excess for posterity. and only asked that anyone who wrote a BFA filk should please send me a copy of the new words (much as Dr. Well. it took good ol' John Creasey to come up with the idea of publishing a collection of all the little monsters.and lots of our listeners had picked a favorite song off that album. All Sanity Abandon.all too often other tunes of mine. Overkill. anyone? Soon enough. nobody sing it while I'm around. Ka-THUMP. I handed over the lot to my pals at tdom Factors. Frankenstein might have solicited repair offers from plastic surgeons). Thus was conceived the filk version of the Son of Frankenstein. Soon enough the assorted filks began rolling in. "And we're banned from Argo.All the songs sounded good. my choice for personal immortality was "Hope Eyrie"." AAAAAAARRRGHH!!!! Leslie Bastard Children of Argo page 4 . I got sick to death of singing that bleeping song. Guess which one it was. Soon enough.ould reach in order to sing at the filks and push the record. contributions show no sign of slowing down. Thanks loads. thank you. You'll find that I've made appropriate comments about each of these Mutant Monsters From Fannish Perversity -. and I asked the fen not to ask me for it at all. You've now been warned. Ka-THUMP. I got asked to sing "Banned From Argo" -sometimes two or three times a night. which you now hold in your hot little hands. Even that got to be too much.. even after the cut-off date. if you please. the thing breeds! When they began crowding my filk-book past the danger point. each of us had our particular least. John. we got busy selling the album by mail order.while I was in earshot.

Guess what? We're doing a songbook. we want you to annotate all of these songs for posterity. the Navy. even several versions about the song itself and Leslie's reaction to it. many of whom have waited patiently since our first announcement of this project in The Filking Times in 1991. so I'll get in all the usual editor's comments. EDITORIAL COMMENTS Well.f said. the number of variations to Argo that we saw on FIDOnet Filk Echo and alt. a songbook now . we needed a title. Our thanks also go to our faithful typesetter. who showed us how to actually get it done! And most of all. Sincere thanks also to Lee Gold. (Insert reaction {nuclear?} here) "Oh. Ah-wel111 .. and legalese. Since all of these songs are filks of.filk was the genesis to this project. Michael Liebmann without whom it would still be in 25 ASCII files and a pile of hardcopy. appreciations. Hmmmm?" and chuckled.15 a CO a5. too: versions for every edition of TV Star Trek.. the title came naturally. then. dubiously claimed by their authors. the original in one way or another. condensed versions. This book would not have been even remotely possible without the encouragement and help of a LOT of people. versions for the original Argo legend.m. Then came the hard part. because her response was memorable. and the Exodus.. there are Caribbean.3 (pisces: the sign of the fish) 05. .5. 0. without whom there wouldn't be a book. Leslie has done her introduction. talking blues. . but you've all been more than understanding about the many delays.Fs'35.r. Actually. versions for fandom.0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 qs 05. ah. and we got her full. And not everything is to the tune of "Banned From Argo".. Leslie. thank you. A comp copy is little enough payment for your patience.. Anyway. Styles vary. Glad we could be of help. and also . cooperation. "Gee.'" Mary and I thought about that remark and screamed..530 0 0 0 CIs3(. she saw the advantages in this project.130 6 -30 . and John his rebuttal. and Leslie.. "Oh Leslie . A poster to a. that we would get so MANY contributions (over and above the twenty or so Argo filks that had already been printed)! And such variety. "That's too many songs with the same tune! But. What about? . wouldn't it be nice to see a tape of nothing but 'Banned From Argo' filks. and somewhat illegitimate to boot. if bemused. We would like to thank all the contributors. "What a fiendish idea!" and further thought "Do we dare? What would Leslie think? — most of all — what would she do to us?!" First. " Fortunately for us.-6 0 c7 0 a f." "YOU WANT WHAT?!!!" After we calmed her down. two of which we can't include because we can't locate the authors). or about. we thank Leslie Fish for her contributions to the project — not the least of which is writing "Banned From Argo" in the first place — and for being a good sport about the whole idea! Mary Creasey Bastard Children of Argo page 5 . for your help and understanding and for accepting our requirement of Bardic Immunity for all the contributors to this songbook — especially for me!! John Creasey 0 -(13. Leslie. the SCA. and punned titles (several versions of "The Band From Argo". too. either: many of the songs about BFA are to other tunes. We had NO idea... mostly Leslie's (naturally!).5. she lived four hundred miles away..REBUTTAL TO INTRODUCTION You're welcome.1-s> E.

just for keeping our ship alive. or so it's said. if the guitarist can stomach the idea) The screen grows bright! We've found a world with fuel. "Our engine's growing cold. for a while Banned from Argo. Hope flares anew. . And we're banned from Argo. Chorus: And we're banned from Argo. sort of) to "Banned from Argo" One hundred parsecs out within the void between the stars. The crew set out investigating every joint and bar Our engine it was cooling off. for a while Banned from Argo. . the fields will hold. each of different sex and hue! The Shore Police were closing in." Our ship's a noble lady. our engine will survive. Our engineer began to celebrate with one and all. nobody will survive And so we need some fuel to feed the drive. just for keeping our ship alive. they left no one alive Upon that blasted rock which held no fuel to feed the drive. Chorus:: And we're banned from Argo. We found him with five partners. to "Fuel to Feed the Drive" by Cynthia McQuillin So once again we fly through space. for a while Banned from Argo. Who knows what ruin we'll leave behind. If we can't find an answer soon. what wrecked and shattered bars? Ow crew is Starfleet's finest and our record is our pride ing as we are granted some fuel to feed the drive. quite inhospitably Which soon would leave our ship unfit for spacers such as we. (an instrumental interlude goes here. he is true.That DOES it/ Now you 'ye got both me and Cindy AfQ hunting for your scalp/ ARGH/ ABSOLUTELY THE LAST REMAKE OF "FUEL TO FEED THE DRIVE" Quentin Long (well . There's hydrogen to feed our dying drive. Bastard Children of Argo page 6 ." we said. this void beyond the stars. That's how our Lady of Communications won her bet. "and soon our ship will die If we can't find some fuel to feed the drive. And that's why there's a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall. and our captain. just for keeping our ship alive.

Our senior female beamed back home. her confidence was shook When she did a naked fan dance. We tried the drug that worked last time. every one. but now we're not so sure. Now Argo doesn't mind us any more. The doctor is a dancer: seems like nothing is the same. serving somewhere else in space. CHORUS Another crew has joined us. he can't get to first base. Bland in Argo. We thought he'd come back from the dead. try as he might. here beginneth the goo/awful puns. But at least we'll clean that android out when we start our poker game! Our crew is Starfleet's oldest. The present's dull and boring. The nurse became a telepath and joined another race. Our senses have been dimmed with time. He's so old now that even the computer thinks he's quaint. and our record's all we've got. but this whole trip's a bust 'Cause now we find the Argo folk are snickering at us! CHORUS: And we're bland in Argo. The captain drinks Earl Grey and wine. and it bores us all no end. and the future's just a blur. We came back just to raise more hell.. He's always writing treaties. The engineer swore he would coat the whole town with red paint. But now he finds. CHORUS The helmsman's now a captain. He doesn't know just what to do. But at least we know the galaxy remembers who we were! CHORUS CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 7 . He found them. CHORUS The doctor went to visit with the hookers he once knew. It looks like our get up and go has gone right out the door. it knocks him for a loop That there's no sex appeal in reading glasses and a taupe. we're too old to have much fun. but he stayed calm and pure."Nana' in Argo"? 0y. and they're all so damn polite. our reflexes are shot. and no one stopped to look. the Klingon doesn't fight. CHORUS The guy with pointy ears thinks that all races should be friends. Our captain's bedroom exploits were renowned through all of space. but he couldn't quite remember what to do. Beware! Be very ware! ARGO: THE RETURN 0 1992 by Mark Bernstein As we rolled into Argo Port in our powered wheelchairs We snickered at the mem'ry of our last brief visit there.

We be banned from Argo. And wit' dat. Him say. dey all want come. him go boozin"round de local bars. Well. So him transport dem up to de vessel above And dey set galactic records in de books of love. Him say. tell de little barmaids 'bout de distant stars. So de ship's First Officer say "Captain! Don' go!" But de Captain take a phaser and set it on stun." Den dey fall upon de Captin wi' an awful roar. "Dammit. <Spoken. ARGO CALYPSO: PART ONE Jeremy Buhler Copyright 1992 Well. the chorus tune is blatantly plagiarized from the calypso number in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. More will follow. and de doc approach. well.. little girls. Till de boyfriends.Nice to know Kirk has one professions! flaw — he's not a quick-draw artist. dey dinna wanna let us stay! Go home! <echo> Goodbye!! <echo> We be banned from Argo. r . not a boxing coach!" Bastard Children of Argo page 8 .ya know It come time to take us de leave on shore So we head for de port down on Argo IV. dey learn where their women be at. but in the meantime. you can see I don' bite. I'm a doctor. But I really wanna party with a wench tonight!" Him get the chickies drunk on Antarean rum And when him say "Beam me up!".captain. Corresponds somewhat to the first and second verses.I say. We bring our best ragz and a heap of loot. Number One.." Use your imagination on the other parts (the ones that aren't spoken anyway). Him say "Come on. <Stop music but continue> A security team stun de rioting bunch Because de captain never had a chance to t'row a punch. Dey gonna find dis starship captain and a-knock him flat! Now de long-range sensor show de mob below. "Just watch me on de viewer screen. "I hear you fellas be a little sore. beam him up to Sickbay. here's the first part of a multi-part "Banned from Argo" Reggae/Calypso version. Who gettin' nasty an' abusive an' lewd an' loud. But de planetary governor.. but we don' know why. but with music> J)-. him transport down to confront de crowd. he give us de boot! Chorus: Get out! <echo> Go way! <echo> Argo IV. but we don' know why.

. When o'er the din of battle. I cut a mighty swath. a master .73 a a . my complaint. but we don' know why. Oh yes. A pox on all those lily-livered fools! When I fought at Estrella War.- a a cro E-0. and I think it's such a bore. back to singing> Chorus: Get out! <echo> Go way! <echo> Argo IV.all above rebuke.Ea 9. My armor is so strong that it would stop a forty-five. Chorus Among the blows I didn't take were those of seven dukes. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 9 . on that you can depend. dey dinna wanna let us stay! Go home! <echo> Goodbye!! <echo> We be banned from Argo. but we don' know why..6: 0 0 . I would do it again!" <OK. Ea a Ea Cp Yo-ho-ho. I was near a perfect game. And so I sing this. A full score of knights. . That marshals and opponents will insist on silly rules. I never take a blow: I'm made of rhino hide! Chorus: But I'm banned from armor ever more Banned from armor. We be banned from Argo. but you can't rhino-hide/ ( A„ BANNED FROM ARMOR David Hodge ©1992 When I walk on a tourney field. I tossed them round like ninepins. "It hurt. I heard someone call my name. but for de women. (so - c. And corpses made of all who dared to stand there in my path. three kings.<Restart music> Den de captain's eyes snap open and him smile trough de pain And say. Besides.a Eo Ea a - a E 0 5./ You can run. They offered me a journey to the isle of Zanzibar. all from a land afar.<so• _ . I know that I will win My swordwork is the best.

'cause now we're all banned! Chorus Uhura had her some fun With her trusty soldering gun Wired the public address to the governor's phone He was heard the next day Making rulings for pay I feel so broke up. yard Children of Argo page 10 ." We come on the Enterprise Our space-happy gals and guys Down on Argo IV our shuttle did land Carousing all night Gave the locals a fright I feel so broke up.Enterprise calypso." Dr Pepper to the tune of "Sloop John B. 'cause now we're all banned! So set the dilithium flow I hope that the engines don't blow Beam all the redshirts aboard 'Cause now we're all banned Admiralty Board.. Please can't we reach an accord? I feel so broke up. 'cause now we're all banned! Captain was in a fix. Bon Dieu. Gave the women herpes six! Quarantine officers ordered him boiled in lead Used some old trick vThY..ot away quick I feel so broke up.? kferci./ ARGO TO "SLOOP JOHN B. 'cause now we're all banned! Chorus Bu..

This must be for your med research.Now the Pagans are getting into the act! Ye gods. But turned and fled in terror when they caught a glimpse of Spock. for the flesh they wore is nowhere to be seen. They'd beamed into a timezone where the sky was clear and dark. The shore police were quite convinced they were up to no good. CHORUS Our Captain gives his service to his goddess every day But shore leave often tempts the man to try and slip away. Her sensors found him with five whores he'd picked up in a bar. CHORUS CHORUS CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 11 ." The Doctor said. Our crew is Starfleet's finest and perhaps its most diverse." CHORUS Our Lady of Communications beamed down with a drum And opened hailing frequencies to the ghosts in Kingdom Come. Chorus: And we're banned from Argo. our Engineer just laughed And said he'd beam aboard again to practice in his craft. "We'll have no witches here!". The customs people eyed the beast and primly said. is nothing sacred?! ARGO'S FIRE-BREATHING DAUGHTER Copyright 1987 Bob Kanefsky When we pulled into Argo port in need of sky and trees. "Oh dear. CHORUS Our Doctor went out shopping. We all assumed we'd be allowed to worship as we'd please. She beamed him home. Our Engineer went with some friends to worship in the wood. They said. just for spite Banned from Argo just for dancing around at night. I suppose we could do worse. The dead phone their descendants now each night by telescreen: All bones and gore. and they came out armed with rocks. With sixty-two religions. and he came back with a steer. Some crewmen held a circle in an Argo city park. We're heading out from Argo now but plan to come back soon With several hundred photon bombs for bringing down the moon. "Like hell! It's the sacrifice Apollo wants each year to keep us well. We thought we'd go and worship there for just four days or five But Argo nearly burned us all alive. We learned that Argo's colonists were Bible-thumping prudes. The noise woke all the neighbors. But when one landing party tried to beam down in the nude. and beamed the whores to the Ladies' Church Bazaar.

Kirby. are better than the show. all of us Banned from Argo just for causing a little fuss We thought we'd go on shore leave there and have ourselves a ball But Argo didn't like us much at all Our Captain is a diplomat. But she won't strip down on the ship. she sunbathes in the nude. Ill Our crew pulled into Argo port to have a little fun A shore leave world was needed . he beamed down quite punctual And said he'd show her what was meant by fully functional CHORUS Our Doctor thinks all androids are machines that do not feel She says they are not people: they are things. and we all think that's rude So when she found a quiet spot on the planet's sunny side We filmed her with ship's cameras and then beamed it planetwide CHORUS To become a human being is our android's lofty goal He's liked by all except the Doc who says he has no soul When his turn came for shore leave.I'm beginning to think that the filks about Next Gen. ARGO REVISITED Larry D.we thought Argo'd be the one Until our crew hit dirtside and began to roam around We found out we weren't welcome in their cities or their towns CHORUS: And we're banned from Argo. the ladies love him too He spends his off time with the female members of the crew Ue had to find some women who had not heard of his ways le beamed into a convent and he wasn't seen for days CHORUS Our Counsellor's a Betazoid. they are not real We found her in some bushes with her senses dulled from Scotch With tatters in her uniform and rust stains in her crotch CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 12 . he doesn't like to fight He beamed down to a nightclub where he got a little tight And sure enough he did the thing he's known for near and far: The ship he did surrender to the hookers in the bar CHORUS Our Number One's a ladies' man.

gold and silver. I guarantee it's mine This song it is a parody. Kirk CHORUS A shipful of Ferengi landed. her assets on display. least we like to think we are But they don't want it back within a light year of their star They told us keep our ship away from Argo's sunny skies 'Cause they ain't had a lot of luck with ships named Enterprise CHORUS Last Verse Optional I wrote this little filksong back in nineteen eighty-nine Though it's been ripped off once or twice. it leads to lots of strife And sometimes if you're lucky it can even save your life Our blonde lieutenant's still alive. pearls and jade They walked into a bar where some of us were hard at play We tried to sell them Wesley. but the bastard got away CHORUS Our crew is Starfleet's finest. Serving drinks in bathing suits and skimpy lingerie CHORUS The head of ship's Security's a Klingon through and through He got blitzed in a local bar and we wondered what he'd do Till an Argo army general called and said we'd earn his thanks If we'd come and get our Klingon who was punching out his tanks CHORUS A time warp is a funny thing. there can be no dispute She's running Argo's most expensive house of ill repute CHORUS Our engineer's a blind man.Our first ship's Doctor took a leave of absence for a year The last place that we'd ever thought we'd see her was down here We found her in an Argo bar. and so I have one wish: To send my humblest apologies to Leslie Fish CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 13 . looking for a trade They had buckets full of diamonds. and the locals gave him hell They asked him if he fixed the ship by touch or taste or smell He said his visor worked as well as anybody's eyes And proved it when he told which of the men were circumcised CHORUS Half our ship's Security had beamed down to a park They drank and smoked and snorted till the air grew cool and dark The shore police informed us that our men had gone berserk And were pissing on a statue that was built to James T.

Our crew set out investigating every world and star. she'll do it with a 'droid. He'll sense beams coming at us in UV and microwave. CHORUS CHORUS Our alien weapons officer does really love to fight No matter what the foe.This is probably the third or fourth Next Geri version that I've seen. Especially if it's to beam the kid into the wall. CHORUS Our proper cool First Officer can vanquish all his foes. Harold Feld and Charles Asbjornsen When we pulled out of spacedock Earth to travel near and far. He has no fear of dying. his delivery's complex And when he gives an order. they all feel paranoid 'Cause if she has a chance. which is very fine by me. "My inquiry . FYcept he never tells us till it's too late to be saved. A generation later. He swears to us that he can see. CHORUS Our navigator's blind. ILM does the effects. they know. CHORUS We have on board an android who is full of jokes and quips. We've got the feeling we've been here before.I have a Chinese puzzle. and we will answer to the call. they all really doubt they can. Whenever they come near her. His voice snaps in command. But found the crew a bit too square for spacers such as we. But though they'd like to love her." Our lady of Security is strong as any man. or if it's wrong or right. And that's because he has no inner self to be revealed. . Our Captain's lines are simple." 'cause we're not sexist any more. as we bounce from side to side. Please explain Why don't we beam the kid into the wall? He's such a pain. and easily the most printable." not "man. And we'll go where no one's gone before "One. So let him bash the balrog. And we know from experience he comes fully equipped. and we all will climb the tree. you'd think we would know the score. For once I'd like to see a giant pimple on his nose! He caught an alien virus but his symptoms weren't real. We had high expectations of the things that we could see. or cause. CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 14 . which really makes for quite a ride. Did anybody besides the Great Bird like Wesley? BFA:TNG Claire Maier. .

And he can do most anything. She plays the song and tries hard not to cringe with every note. at least who's on her slab. but we've got nothing left to hide. but it was far too late. And if she's in the filkroom and you're planning to survive. this monster that she wrote. the awful prototype Of all the TV whiz kids that bombard us day and night. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 15 . Our plots are old. 'Argo' won't you play?" The sexual adventures of the Enterprise bridge crew Seem to be the favorite song of every filker new. Don't ask for "Banned from Argo" or you'll never leave alive. "Oh. At last we come down to the Kid. You'd hear the fans requesting it. Let's shove him in the transporter and set it on "DISPERSE!" Our scripts are not the finest. We've got to meet our deadlines and obey Gene's sacred word.Our doctor loves humanity. he shows us at our worst. But how the fen adopted it left Leslie's mouth agape. we're stealing far and wide. She needs something to compensate for having such a kid. Thank Ghu. She plays the lovely widow. and for the lines. but the song won't go away. she hates that song they say. And the list of Argo parodies goes on and on and on. it doesn't scan to the chorus of BFAI Just the verse. She wrote that song so long ago to fill a spot on tape. For years at every filksing from New York to LA.. Some wish she never wrote it.. You know she can't stand people 'cause there's no one in her lab. The filkers all wised up at last. Do you realize that these words scan to 'Ghost Riders In The Sky'? Except for the choice of chorus. for the Captain makes her bid. For every neo knows of it and they all think it's great. Let's see you try to clean up all the droppings of Great Bird! CHORUS CHORUS CHORUS . <50> LESLIE FISH'S MELODY Jan Kelson ©1992 to the tune of "Captain Signy Mallory" Chorus: Leslie Fish's malady. It quickly reached the point of being sung at every con. So Leslie has to live with it.

he's crashed again! Get the boot disk! page 16 Bastard Children of Argo .. and it sure ain't no jive. gives us great advantages o'er ordinary bands! He plays rhythm. And woke up all those sleeping fen by whom we're now adored! We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo.. We're the loudest aggregation of musicians ever heard. His chrome and leather costume is the look they all desire. lead. and it sure ain't no jive. and then struck a tuning chord. feel free to take a look. We couldn't find a venue that would pay us for our songs Until we found a spaceport bar. But to tune his three-necked Astrocaster takes a whole damn week! spoken: Huh? What?? Whaddaya mean ya wanna go to a 36 string!?!? - Our drummer's quite the fashion plate. They haven't figured out yet how he plays those keyboard tiers.. We're the strangest group of rockers that the Union's ever seen But on this week's Billboard chart. we still haven't found the spaceport! They had an open mike that night. lookin' for a gig. spoken: With a laser! ----qur guitar-thing from Betelgeuse has three deft pairs of hands . spoken: Strangest thing. BAND FROM ARGO Joe Ellis ©1992 We made landfall on Sol Plus Three. She used to be a hooker quite adept at turning tricks. our need for cash quite big. but no one seemed to mind That the topics and the scansion and the tunes were ill-defined. we're at sixteen! spoken: Moving up at warp speed! The heavy metal rockers love our keyboard man's attire.. Our warp van nearly out of gas. But on the Billboard charts. tho.. and solo all at once when at his peak.. we're thirty-third. But keep your hands all to yourself: her past's an open book.. 'twas open all night long. Till she killed two pimps and six Dorsai with nothing but her sticks! We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo. We set up our equipment..I" could swear I did on opening act for a band just like this in San Francisca a couple years back. It's all MIDIed from a mainframe sitting right between his ears! spoken: Great Ghu.

you see.. Because.:113(. We're the oddest group of rockers that's been seen under this sun. When he steps up to sing I've seen more than a dozen wilt! We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo.. you see. anyway? c. well. 7. But this week's Billboard has us number one! Yes.53 . What is a billboard.. But his alcoholic intake makes it clear that he's a lush. and it sure ain't no jive.S 5 C rS3 - 5-53 . We thought the price was pretty good.5..a .P CE. RRRRRRRRRRIGHT1 Bored with Argo David Weingart ©1988 And I'm bored with "Argo. they never were any good around stairs. It's good he doesn't need a mike. because the way they're built. this week's Billboard has us number one! spoken: Just one thing.:13 (.. and says that it's his due.. Andrew Jackson! Oh. 6 279 C.1-651s311. and it sure ain't no jive. 5..53q3a.C5..3 53 a a a 5.- a . so it comes out evenly. But Billboard has us up to number four! spoken: Move over.1.76 a CI 3 5-53.75. Our agent is a special breed.5. We've got the strangest bunch of fans to ever hit the door. so we made ourselves a deal! But I hope the Doctor learns just how to turn them off real soon. It's quite a pain to have to keep our Daleks on the moon! spoken: Oh. our agent is a human just like you! We're the Band from Argo playin' live! The Band from Argo. He screws the club and band both. Then takes his sixty-five percent.15(1. he's very fair.7.2 9 a -la." everyone Bored with "Argo" so this parody is done! Bastard Children of Argo page 17 .2. Michael Jackson ! Our roadies are the best machines we had the nerve to steal.Our singer has a set of pipes to make a banshee blush.

We played a gig in Italy. Some of them so ghastly my antennae are still curled. we're just having a little fun. that's how it seems to us). We only took one look at them and ran the other way! Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 18 . But using Sydney Opera House. e female form is purest white. Phil Allcock (verses 4-5) and Diana Bass (verse 6) previously published in On Filkley Moor When our ship pulled into Terra from our distant native star.. his guitar is quite unreal. and chorus). Alas. BAND FROM ARGO Rafe Culpin (verses 1-3. He's ten yards tall. Chorus We've gigged with many life forms from so many different worlds. about three days or four. We're sorry 'bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss. But never have our concerts' cordon zones been ten miles wide.You know. But when these things called "filkers" sang their own sweet roundelay. weighs fifteen tons. the male a dark black stain — And I don't think we'll be visiting South Africa again! Chorus Randoran is our bassman. Chorus A Lagran's mating habits can get a bit complex. I think I've done gigs with pick-up bands like this:. But you Earthlings are weird (at least. Chorus Our Band is Argo's finest. Our band set out to play our songs in every joint and bar. it's really quite a place And Goravon was showing off just how well he sings bass. now so far away. he really has some power And there's no need to be quite so sore about your Leaning Tower. on the run A Band from Argo. and our records are our pride. And Vageneth (our drummer) keeps on changing his/her sex. For it's two hundred metres long with "strings" of cabled steel. he found he still could play. For Terra just can't stand us anymore. But pretty soon we'll sure leave here. he left his pick in Argo. Chorus: And we're a Band from Argo. But found too late they weren't designed for aliens such as we. We had high expectations of their hospitality.

. they up and threw me out! CHORUS: And I'm banned from Acme Acres now. you see. But early the next morning it was her birthday again. He's trying just to find a lady duck with nice blonde hair. I came to Acme Acres. So I couldn't help but wonder what they did to let off steam.. what would make my readers shout. But when they found why I was there. he lets them know precisely what he wants! CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 19 .. They think he's taken one too many anvils to the head. But he was not invited! "Look. So now my Acme Acres days are done. the show's host) lives with the guy or was just visiting when that earthquake hit. I wanted just the straight scoop." ARRGH. and she didn't quite look ill. I wondered what the new toons did to have a little fun. But one told me all about the reeds he uses for a bed! CHORUS It was Shirley the Loon's birthday when I came upon the scene. 'Cause when he speaks. I saw Babs at the doctor's./ll Hoperoft has good reason to run... But some girls kind of like him.. That every day's her birthday. here comes a crashing boar!" CHORUS You'd think a guy like Foulmouth would scare lots of folks away. They bleep out every second word of what he has to say. He came to see a girlie that he hadn't seen before. Although his tail is little and his head is rather big. in spite of all the taunts. and the cake is always free! CHORUS One of the things that Hamton hates is to be called a pig. She's been reincarnated so dam many times. with a press card in my hair To check out all the younger toons that are a-living there.BANNED FROM ACME Michael Hoperoft who fears for his life next time he sees Fish at a con. Banned from Acme for asking the why and how. sparked by the question of whether Babs Bunny (who isn't related to Buster. The Bunnies Babs and Buster are an interesting team. "A song about the little cartoon characters of Tiny Toon Adventures. I shook/sic Rambo on the Than station. And that's how I found out a rabbit can be on the pill! CHORUS Plucky is an odd one who is deep into despair.

Banned That. next year would be too soon. And we've decided that that song is firmly in the past. Although they've banned the words to it. We've heard it done a thousand times. . my protest song." Now let's ban the Banned from Argo filk: Banned from Argo and all others of that ilk. Oh. we'll sing of love and war. But "We don't sing that anymore... Outnumber Greensleeves filks they quickly will. Bastard Children of Argo page 20 ."Greenskevesm. DAMN! I've used the same old tune for this. I know that for the filkwriters it's just like mother's milk. . through all the filksing long. And so you hear Banned This. and we've grown tired at last. I know that for the filkwriters it's just like mother's milk. Outnumber Greensleeves filks they quickly will. Now let's ban the Bannedfrom Argo filk: Banned from Argo and all others of that ilk. they are not shy at all (FILKERS?!) At trotting out the same old tune for filksongs true and tall.I should be so lucky. But we won't sing of Argo any more. I heard a mighty tune. Don't I wish! ANTI-ARGO Beth Moursund And we're banning Argo from this filk Banning Argo and all others of its ilk We'll sing of 'bots and unicorns.1 / BAN "BANNED" David Hodge When I came into filk fandom.

We scooped Deanna back aboard and left that world behind. If we would only take the lot. said they wanted to be friends. No Starfleet ship had stopped by there since time nobody knows. . . they said the planet had been closed! CHORUS: And we're banned from Argo every one Banned from Argo for what someone else had done! We needed some repairs and thought that ArgooPort would serve But Argo's got a big attack of nerves! We sent Commander Riker down to try to make amends He came back hours later. her foot chained to the floor — Lwaxanna Troi had been in town a year or so before! CHORUS So then we sent in Worf to have a word with Argo's cops We beamed him back before they could line up a decent shot! In his report he noted that their actions were absurd: "It's easier to talk to Q than make them hear a word!" CHORUS So we gave up and made our plans to refit far away. then head back into space! CHORUS Next Deanna beamed on down to try to clear the air And simply prove this Enterprise had never once been there. And we're still not sure what happened to this very day. Bastard Children of Argo page 21 . none of the clueless crew hod ever attended a lasing. And near as we can figure that whole planet's lost their minds! Obviously.) Heh held We made a call on Argo just to buy a little paint. and who.BANNED FROM ARGO. THE NEXT GENERATION Copyright 1993 by Keith Wood Music by Leslie Fish (who may never forgive me. She promptly ended up in jail. I just remembered. They'd beam aboard each microgram of varnish in the place. Telling them our ship name made the space controller faint. And though we don't why. owns a gun and knows where I live .

The warden called us up and said. He fixed his visor so that he could see their proper shape. And said they'd let us visit their fair planet one more time. CHORUS Our handsome. They figured we're a brand-new crew. CHORUS Our sensitive Ship's Counselor walked by the Argo Jail. And ended up in court. Not knowing what girls looked like was a sticking point with him. Our gallant Gallic Captain with his head so mirror-clean. _He found himself at table with a Highlander from Earth. so how could it go wrong. A drunk Ferengi used the captain's head to check his looks. suave First Officer likes anything in skirts.Awkl This filk has more balls than the program/ BANNED FROM ARGO -. and she's wearing each one out!" CHORUS Our lovely widowed Doctor found herself a big surprise: A man just like her husband. arraigned on thirty counts of rape. And woke up in the hospital. his hands replaced with hooks. And when he's playing poker. And was hit by the emotions held by each and every male. "You've got to beam her out! She's taking on my convicts. CHORUS Our blind Chief Engineer's experience was rather slim. Banned from Argo. his opponents lose their shirts. and then was shocked to find That having sex with Mama was no longer on his mind. though our visit was sublime. and that is why we're singing you this song. She introduced him to her son. But something did. But they won't let us dock there anymore. only doubled in one size. id now he swears he knows how women feel when giving birth. We had a lovely shore leave there for just a week or four.THE NEXT GENERATION lyrics by Bob and Brenda Daverin After seventy-four long years the Argo people changed their minds. Stepped in an Argo bar just to observe the local scene. And we're banned from Argo for all time. CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 22 .

Like how she met the Captain. And sought to give his shore leave a far more auspicious end. I hope this is the last 'Star Trek' to make it on TV. CHORUS Our youthful Acting Ensign fended off his mother's friend. She found a dear old friend who called himself the Wandering Jew. They found a cheap motel that had sex movies as the fare.. the hotel wasn't there..0 ) c re) (a cr:0 a 03 0. He said they'd moved a bit too slow when told to bow their heads.s s . sooner or later some son-of-a-Borg sets the words of BF/1 to Beethoven? BANNED FROM ARGO: SHOW-STOPPER #1 Joe Ellis Heh heh heh.css cs-. And we can ban this song from filks eternally! Bastard Children of Argo page 23 . CHORUS Our good Chief of Security's a Klingon with some class. It took two turns through hyperspace and generated steam.. CHORUS L 5 9_7 cr0 a a 7 cr_0 ao L. c. 0 0 . Whada'yo wanna bet. — Joe Ellis "We're singing "Banned From Argo" for all time! "Banned From Argo". This is what I tagged onto the end of "BFA . 'Twas in a filk file in one of the GEnie SFRT libraries. And when the rescue crews arrived. Or so he told the shore patrol when they came to claim the dead. And we're runnin' out of rhymes. CHORUS The Hostess of Ten-Forward Lounge has been a mystery. "s p 'Tis a consummation greatly to be wished.. And they reminisced about the time they spent in Katmandu.. So when a ship leave came about he'd always have a date.. 0 _0 Tc crf a: 527 cry-) a czo 2-.. He led a pack of Romulans in a Klingon Catholic Mass. also just how old is she.-. css a_.Our pale-skinned android Helmsman felt the need to build a mate..but _I have my doubts. 23 5E5 a a 2-..The Next Generation" by Bob & Brenda Daverin. He made a human daisy chain like some had never seen.

" The data that he knows would startle Drs. a-teaching fizzbin there Until the war computer cried he wasn't playing fair! Chorus Although our Ops officer may seem to you a "droid. the Argonians were sore They said they'd cleaned up after us a century or more We flashed the big "D" on our hull and said." But ship's tradition found a way of catching up with us. But she came home early 'cause she'd broken all her toys! Chorus We wondered what had happened to our Doctor's pride and joy 'Cause everybody knows that he's a quite precocious boy. We found him in the capital. not love. The Captain stayed up on the bridge. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 24 . Ruth and Freud. "to risk a transport slip. When beam-up came he had enflamed two redheads and a blonde. "It makes no sense to me. to "wrestle" local boys.BANNED FROM ARGO: THE NEXT GENERATION Jim and Susan Fox-Davis When we arrived at Argo. "Don't make a fuss. With all the various fields in which he's programmed to respond. it's still the same refrain. Chorus: And we're -. And said that they were going where no man had gone before! Chorus Our Chief of Security's inclined to war.banned from Argo once again Banned from Argo. preferring not to wench." he said. Why should I beam abroad when I can go down with my ship?" Chorus The First Officer is "Number One" with all the female crew Including some whose physiognomies aren't quite Earth-true. Complaining all too loudly that the women there weren't French. She went to Argo anyway. He staffed his new Away Team with a dozen girls or more. The crew has always come right here to have a little fun But now our Argo shore leave days are done. Her love affair with Starfleet seems ordained from above.

Our beautiful ship's Counselor is half a Betazed. She launched a thousand starships with the turning of her head. Her empathic ability can be a joy sublime Like walking past a whorehouse -- when she came a dozen times. Chorus They say about our Navigator that he's flying blind, But when it comes to tinkering, he is a mastermind He set his sensor-visor to see through all mass textile, Now every girl he looks at's wearing nothing but a smile. Chorus Our brand-new Klingon officer beamed down there to explore. It seems that they had never seen the likes of him before. But the part of him that all the girls loved the best Was when they got him into bed and fondled his headcrest! Chorus Pirates are passé these days; we hate Ferengi now. Antagonizing Starfleet, to outdrink us was their vow. Unfortunately, metabolic mix-ups were our gain And substances that make them drunk will sober us again. Chorus When we beamed back to the ship to get our ails repaired, We found our darling Doctor had computerized our care. When we found her hiding place, she'd been fine all along. Sharing with son Capitan good champagne and good song! Chorus
Hey, what about Guinan and O'Brien and the computer and the holodeck and the mice in the walls?

[Take a look at some of the other Next Gen versions, Leslie. Or wait for new ones to be written. -- Mary Creasey]

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Hehl Heh! Couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch!

Filkers of TT-IV (written as a group effort at a Filk Workshop, at Toronto Trek 4)

The Captain beamed down from the ship with Crusher by his side. They had to do this secretly; they had a lot to hide. But when the concierge found them there, he wasn't too impressed, Because the Crusher in the room, it wasn't Bev but Wes. Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, every one Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun It's been a ship's tradition for a hundred years or more, And Argo doesn't want us anymore.

Will Riker had his favorite spot; it was Orion's bar But on the way he got shanghaied; he didn't get too far Troi was waiting patiently; she felt him coming on. She didn't care for privacy; she jumped him on the lawn. Chorus O'Brien the Transporter Chief took Data on a tear. Though Data matched him drink for drink, he's none the worse for wear. ley found what got poor Data tanked was good old Argo crude; Now Tasha knows the place where this Droid got tattooed. Chorus The Doctor came down later. She was looking for her son. She had her med kit with her just in case she found some fun. Argo was a quiet port till Beverly beamed down, But now they have designer drugs in every bar in town.

Lieutenant Worf went looking for a green Orion slave. The Shore Police were called when patrons heard him howl and rave. The charge was drunken brawling. Worf said that was not the case. The charge should have been Klingon sex within a public place. Chorus Geordie's on the holodeck - he couldn't score below He used some ingenuity to boost his little show. He tapped into the Argo Net, used every byte and bit. Now every time the phones ring, the toilets spew up shit.

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Guinan went to Argo Port to teach them of her craft. The planetary sovereign gave her the royal shaft. But Guinan wasn't worried for she could retaliate. She took a fork and fixed it so the sovereign couldn't mate. Chorus Somehow the Q Continuum learned what was going on. It piqued their curiosity; it really turned them on. Despite their reputation now, the Q were not that bad. Compared to us, they were the best that Argo ever had, Chorus We are Starfleet's finest, though on board we act so tame. But get us down on shore leave, and we put Kirk's crew to shame. We know we left an awful mess, but just 'tween you and me, We cut a path that none can match across the galaxy. And we're banned from Argo, every one Banned from Argo just for having a little fun; It's been a ship's tradition now for a hundred years or more And Argo doesn't want us anymore.

(No bloody wonder!)
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Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek, Copyright 1994 to the tune of (well, it had to be Greensleeves)
[by way of the Christmas song "What Child is This?" — Mary Creasey] Ayyy-men!

What song is this (It just won't rest.... It's Leslie's fault, and she's weeping.) Which neos greet with voices sweet While filkers grief are reaping? This, this is BFA, And filk-fen wish it would go away. Haste, haste to call a halt to This song named "Banned from Argo."
Weeping ina'eed,. groaning is more like it! ... But wotthehell, it scans and rhymes.

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But Leslie cannot stand it anymore. but it just won't go away. . don't pass the guest room door. There's no use complaining. Wonder why. You might just see an anarchist in pain upon the floor! She often hears a lot of it in concert night or day. And now and then we wonder what it means for the human race That ghosts of filksongs dead and gone keep rising from their graves! OY VEY! BANNED FROM ARGO (Short Version) Kay Shapero and J-Mag Guthrie We went to visit Argo Port to have a little fun. And if you hear a woman scream. Just tell me where those off-key strains of song keep coming from. You might just hear "When we pulled in . Don't go down a dark hallway when there's no one in sight. 'cause it just won't let her be. And if you think we've had too much of cookies. For it's "Banned from Argo" once again And we'd better not be singing it when Leslie wanders in. The crew made so much havoc that we had to cut and run. from dawn till quarter-to-three. We've got a betting pool for all who wonder what it wants. And now we are forbidden to return for many years. She tries to disregard it. We don't know why she's haunted here or why it's this that haunts. THE BANNED FROM ARGO'S GHOST Scorpia to the tune of "Carmen Miranda's Ghost" The Banned from Argo's ghost is haunting our dear Leslie./ Bastard Children of Argo page 28 . She stays intoxicated but that song keeps showing up. maybe three or maybe four. The best odds say it's vengeance of a special kind: She's being reprimanded by the crew of Enterprise! Banned from Argo's ghost is haunting our dear Leslie.4 HHH/ It's after me. So the concert's top-rank filker sings her notes and drains her cup. chips and gum. There's time for a few verses." and get a nasty fright. . Half the con has heard it.Y. And I had better stop this before Leslie overhears.

but she forgot to close the blinds! Chorus Such goings-on on Argyle Road the neighbors never saw The fen were sprawled on couches and were sitting on the floor. she opened up the door Invited all the neighbors in to join them on the floor. She thought she'd have a filksing on her parents' parlor floor Now Argyle doesn't want her anymore! Sue volunteered her parents' house for second Saturday The living room contained a nice piano she could play. Bastard Children of Argo page 29 .. They sang the strangest songs. BANNED FROM ARGYLE Rennie Levine Sue Knapp grew up on Argyle Road. and before they all had gone The neighbors formed a group to play and sing at the next con! They're the Band From Argyle 'til the end. The neighbors never heard such sounds from Dave and Rivalee! Chorus When Susan saw them peeking in. Her parents weren't home.This is a fictional story.. but she was sure they wouldn't mind. they said she'd have to move. Banned from Argyle. Band from Argyle .now her neighbors all are fen. . and sang them loud as loud could be. Rennie... the neighbors knew her well. But soon she changed in ways of which they did not quite approve.. They got to liking filking. They thought she was a normal girl. isn't it. On Argyle Road they filk all night and sleep throughout the day And Dave and Rivalee have moved away. Rennie. as far as they could tell. It would have been all right. When she brought home her fannish friends. 'cause they saw her fannish friends. Now she's banned from Argyle 'til the end.

With both guitars and all his books to filk the con away. And just when you thought nothing else at this con could go wrong. She sang "The Good Ship Venus" just to try and raise a laugh. Copyright 1992 Michael Liebmann came along to ConChord Eight today. they wondered what went wrong. But she was shocked when they came up and burned her at the stake! CHORUS She's/her Bastard Children of Argo page 30 . all the fen threw hand grenades! CHORUS He's/his Bob Kanefsky's at the con from sunny San Jose. Both John and Mary Creasey hoped to get rich fairly soon. The Concom hoped her filksongs would defuse the fannish rage.A. Dean Thomas dropped in to the con with his sing-along machine. He's hoping that his filksongs will sound better while he sings. But both were stunned when they went broke. But when he sang his version of a song called "Susan B" The female fen all lynched him . Rut folk who loved cats heard him sing "Nobody's Moggy Lands. But far from going down well. It was a fannish boycott 'cause of "Mongol Wedding Song"! CHORUS They're/their Jane Mailander came along to sing up on the stage. no more. Famish comments on fan politics? Heh-helil This is the fitting tune to put em to! BANNED FROM CONCHORD Jane Mailander & Dean Thomas.'s riots look like "Peter Pan"! CHORUS He's/his Leslie Fish then stepped up to the stage to sing a song. It's been a filk tradition for the last eight years. She hoped they'd like her latest filks like "Don't Mess 'Round with Blake". But ConChord doesn't want his filks no more." dchat happened next made L. He's got his books of filks he's filked to sell as well as play. Banned from ConChord just for having a little fun. and the fen just retched and barfed! CHORUS She's/her Random Factors set up shop in the ConChord dealers room. He did a song off of his tapes called "Filkwriter Serenade". The Concom. they turned pale.Hmm.and Leslie picked the tree! CHORUS: And now he's banned from ConChord everyone.

A. No more. -0 0 - - Mary CreaseyJ - (fa EaEa a Ea tryj Ty. cancel this or die!" FINAL CHORUS: So now they've killed the Concom. They couldn't stop the fen from hanging all the culprits high. cr:• a Ea a cs:0. Filkhari-nonics came along to soothe the fen. the events depicted are fictional. Dr. For so far ConChord was a riot getting out of hand. Jane and all the band stepped up to quell the fight. they only got what the fen threw! CHORUS They're/their Next. then thrown into a hearse! CHORUS They're/their The Concom stepped up to the mike. By now the hotel was in shreds. They said they'd had enough of righteous Starfleet and its kind. Poor Rick and Deb and Nick Smith wished they'd brought along a gun. They tried to sing their hit: "The Last of Grand Moff Tarkin's Crew". - Heh-helil Beware of P0ea' Starfieet crews when all bets are off/ VOYAGE BEYOND ALL BELIEF Copyright by Steve Macdonald When we pulled in to Argo Port to recreate a bit. But now all L. And now we're banned from Federation space. Bastard Children of Argo page 31 .a tis: Ea g=e) Ea Ea (1. But rather than applause.. 3 a 0 ca Ea Ea s5 cs0 - E o cr 5E6 cri. [Note: ConChord is real.. Prime Directive doesn't matter any more. won't have them no more. It looks as though we'll be out here for just a year or four. It was a filk tradition for the last eight years. As the hotel boss said to them: "Concom. They all got put against the wall. Killed the Concom. All three of them were stunned.cs-:_ c s s c. But "Drivel" didn't do much good and "Catbox Blues" went worse. Delta Quadrant looks so different from this base.The L. and the fen are now on the run. We were really quite surprised to find them in a snit. _ . We should have left before we found out what they had in mind. and the cops are now in sight. everyone.A.

the transportation might give you a start. Ale crewman really broke that law in a manner rather rude. it was an interesting car.and then what did he do? He stood upon the median and told authorities That they could go and stick whatever wherever they pleased. They don't use motor vehicles. Then went upon the roadway -. But Avalon don't want us anymore. we really are first-rate! We're sorry for the wreckage and the carnage and the fuss. they flipped them all and left them on their sides! CHORUS To help improve the crew's morale. Chris Hugill. CHORUS In Avalon. for just three days or four. cool executive imbibed a drink or two. Jeanne Whistler & Michael Liebmann When we pulled into Catalina's only island port We thought we'd make a time of it and have ourselves some sport. Chorus: And we're banned from Catalina Isle Banned from Catalina. . Our proper.. CHORUS Our crew's the Navy's finest.having same/ed a Navy boy or two . we're very sure. But when the senior personnel got really drunk and mean. Our crewmen got a-hold of them and took them for a ride. The men's morale did flutter. completely in the nude. 'cause they don't like our style We spent a reckless shore leave there. they have a law: don't dive off of the rocks! -'Cause if you do. a dance was held on board. will long remember us! CHORUS A: Public Display of Affection Bastard Children of Argo page 32 .I'll believe it . We found the Avalonians can really be obscene. They knew the ship was now within the County of LA And took advantage of that fact with lots of PDA*. When they were done. CHORUS In Avalon. anyway/ BANNED FROM CATALINA ISLE J'nae Campbell. But Avalon. instead they use golf carts. and our reputation's great But when it comes to partying. And dove off the casino roof. but the women's spirits soared. then you're in for a very nasty shock.or was it three? Well.

We had high expectations of their hospitality. We spent a jolly revel there. She took them to a tournament to see what they would do. Chorus Barbarians would yield to none at putting down the brew. Our shire set out investigating every tent and pub. Karen Buffum. One lady loved exotic plants and the plants all loved her. all in need of rest and grub. Chorus WONDER wHymmittutflumtitIIII Bastard Children of Argo page 33 . too. for just three days or four Now Egils doesn't want us anymore. we rushed to set him free. they didn't win. but they outdrank almost all. We have a seneschal who is a fighter bold and fine Who gets a bit frustrated with opponents' rhino hide He hits them once. A knight stomped and cussed and screamed and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his tent and then seduced his wife. he gives a mighty whack Finally he takes his shield and breaks it 'cross their back. The chivalry — well. each of a different class and sex. wool and a few kinds of VD So we're banned from Egils everyone Banned from Egils just for having a little fun.I see the plague is spreading/ BANNED FROM EGILS Jim Charementaro.D. too. Dawn Dominey ©1985 When we pulled into Egils. but his methods were complex We found him with thirteen partners. was on to him. But found Egils was not prepared for tourneyers such as we! Our king's needs were simple.O. Intact except for hoofprints. The B. And now there is a battle axe through the Crown Pavilion wall. he hits them twice. A group of Highland laddies were out jiggin' on the green They jigged until the wind it caused their kilts to be obscene: Spotted by our ladies who urged them to go on And kept the lads a-jiggin' until the sun was gone. They outdrank all the Guccis and the Varangian Guard.

Leaving Egypt 'neath a searing Sinai sun. the serpents hissed and spat Till our snake ate the others." But Pharaoh's heart was hardened. he spent time out in the brush. With rivers full of blood. Chorus The Pharaoh told us all to leave. just to prove it was a stud." Now. But found too late it wasn't geared for Hebrews such as we. maybe it was God who hardened Pharaoh's heart like that. We thought that we would have a place to stay for many days. Now..A. And vicious beasts that roamed the streets. They seemed a lot like lawyers. and smoke and vermin everywhere. We made a hasty exit after just a plague or ten. But I have my suspicions.Oy vey. Our leader's name is Moses. Dr maybe he just ate too much cholesterol and fat. 1993 When we moved into Egypt land in search of room to graze. Chorus: And we're leaving Egypt every one. his patience was near spent. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 34 . but with slightly warmer blood. Chorus Moses went to Pharaoh and said "Let my people go. this is how you teach history? BANNED FROM EGYPT Avram Grumer. He sent his army after us to make sure that we went. Now Egypt doesn't want us back again. and so he just answered "No.. and I think he did inhale. Then two Egyptians did the same. But then there happened something that left Pharaoh feeling dim: He wishes that he'd taught more of his soldiers how to swim. It's there he had a conversation with a burning bush. We had high expectations of their hospitality. Chorus Then there came ten plagues that gave Egyptians quite a scare. Chorus Moses turned his staff into a serpent just like that. Maria/ Nu. just what kind of bush it was is not told in the tale. I think it's safe to say It must have been like spending time in New York or L.

Oh. we don't have to think twice. But now they will remember just who really owns that star. BANNED FROM ARGO (MIRROR UNIVERSE) John Creasey When we pulled into Argo port." Bastard Children of Argo page 35 . Sang "Unassimilated from Argo. "'sympathize just a tad. There's none of us who would go back. Argo's defenders really thought that they would win. He led us out of bondage. Descendants will eat matzo to remind themselves of that. Now we can't help but wonder how things would have been.We left in such a hurry that the bread we baked was flat. and He set us on our way. Chorus I must confess. And now there's a burned out cinder down below! Dave Bell And so they tried to ban us. but we really didn't care. Except some folks in leather who say bondage sounded nice. demanding some relief. and their planet isn't there.. Their system's now a test range. There was a Borg at the filksing. perchance. I think I have to say.. The locals there were all afraid that we would give them grief. So if you see us coming there is nothing you can try -Just put your head between your knees and kiss your *** goodbye. The crew went out a-pillaging to every joint and bar. (And can you imagine any planet succeeding in banning a Federation starship crew in that universe?) . we're banned from Argo once again. If we had been so hurried as to not put on our pants. Chorus Our God has been quite good to us. We used our heavy weapons there for just an hour or so.

with his fancy hat. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the incidents related here just might be true. Estrellas the next biggest annual event in the SCA. at the great Estrella War. We dropped an ice cube down his pants. we just had a little fun. Having been /7 to a few Estrel/as (and Pennsics)." she said. we took off at a run: Hrothgar took a musket ball! Their fops all carry guns! Chorus Jane wore Elizabethans. BANNED FROM ESTRELLA loseph of Locksley (Joe Bethancourt) ©1992 W. and the damn thing turned to steam! Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 36 . "Okay. It's also the easiest for me to get to. So we went to the autocrat. Arnulf looked him up and down and exclaimed. for just three days or four. each one a pretty face We thought we'd roust them out a bit. to listen to the drums And watch the belly dancers where the fiery Ulcer runs Lokisson was sweating hard. and they looked mighty keen Alonzo fondled one of them. we're banned from Estrella. we pulled into Estrella Park. and she took off like a kite! Chorus Master Giles was walking 'round. everyone. We went to the evening's revels. Yes. we really wanted some! Along came a bunch of dancers. she was the Outland's Queen! (OOPS!) Chorus We saw a bunch of Cavaliers.After Pennsic War. In SunDragon. with hoops and lace and all And went off to the Royal tent to join in Giles's Ball The wind came up and knocked us flat. Lookin' for some Tully Dew. "Fancy that! I've traveled this world far and wide. I have never seen before!" Chorus We all took off for Thunder Camp. J. Got under poor Jane's hoopskirts. But a 'Lizabethan Navajo. Bethancourt III All rights reserved Oh. his eyes began to gleam. a-following the drums. a million miles or more. being just half a/7 hour's drive from my little of home /. "Park over there! It's just three miles away" And we're banned from Estrella. all dressed in fancy lace With polished boots and perfumed hair. Then searched 'round for a parking space for sixteen hours or more. Phoenix. We're gonna have a battle there. a-lookin' for the War. who looked up with a smile. it was an awful sight.

The first time that I heard the tune. But now I hear it every weekend. you will incur the Wrath of Fish. The melody is way off-key. They should have known that spacers are all science fiction fen. We know she has a twelve-string. the parodies abound. but we have a special wish. And we'll be banned from filking everyone. And nobody appears to notice just how bad they sound. We've always loved her music. Banned from filking just as soon as this song is done. Paul Shuch (email drseti@usa. A Pegasus is hers if she'll just write another tune. it sounded smooth as silk. And Leslie doesn't like it anymore. CHORUS In every bardic circle. . Now here's a little ditty you can sing whene'er you wish. In shuttle low-Earth orbit or flying to the moon. A bunch of fen assembled them. And tasted quite delicious. the lyrics are a bore.* CHORUS * She already has several.Maty Creasey Bastard Children of Argo page 37 . what an awful trick At every filk convention. It's enough to make you sick. They thought it would be fun To publish a collection of Argo's Bastard Sons. H. and she loves to strum and croon. It was clearly food for filk. CHORUS The filker Guest of Honor is often Leslie Fish. CHORUS The mission Comm Controllers are bewildered once again. But every time you ) There always have been melodies that rattle in your brain: The kind you can't stop singing and can drive the dead insane. The astronauts are known to whistle this familiar tune.I just might take you up on that one/ BANNED FROM FILKING © 1995 by Dr.

The Betamaxes in the lobby running day and night Soon gave us something else to do while waiting for our flight. Bill Shatner came and talked to us. Star Trek Atlanta was the "Evening News!" Chorus The Trekkers came to Lansing on a cold and blustery day. Chorus The Trekkers hit Atlanta in one-hundred-degree heat. And after every costume call. everyone! Oh yes.Hmmmmm. They had to rent the Sheraton to hold their costume calls. of just three days or four. and we also have some pride. You can be sure that those hotels will long remember us! Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 38 . Human Flies and Mr. We have high expectations of their hospitality. At least that's what they thought until they looked at Destiny. But sometimes find they're not prepared for Trekkers such as we! And we're banned from Hiltons. But when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide. I recall that I've been to some of these conventions/ BANNED FROM HILTONS Roberta Rogow When we go to a Star Trek con to have a little fun. The hotel staff in Silver Spring still suffers from the shock Of seeing half-clad Wookiees. But this hotel don't want us anymore! A New York hotel staff thinks they've seen all there is to see. Next thing you know. Then someone with a TV camera let us air our views. the sinks were green and glowed. And for a while it really looked as if we'd have to stay. We had a great convention here. an unsuspecting one. Chorus The August Party graduated to the ivied walls. We all descend on some hotel. We're sorry for the wreckage and the riot and the fuss. Chorus We know we're Star Trek's finest. Spock. and everything looked neat. With Monty Python "silly walkers" filking down the road. we're banned from Hiltons just for having a little fun.

then turned and ran away. while strolling round the town. Our Navigator claimed there was no way he could get lost And said he would defend his claim no matter what the cost He set out thru the fog one night to cruise the dark and damp And now there is a rowboat in the Eastern Royal Camp. CHORUS A lady is our camp mistress and usually calm of voice I'll Duchess Illisa's lemonade became her drink of choice She spent her time in Merides with drinks of glowing green And now she has decided that she just has to be Queen. The crew set out investigating parties near and far We had high expectations of their hospitality But found too late that they weren't geared for sailors such as we. he had a smile a mile wide. and our record is our pride. CHORUS Our Captain is a ladies' man and a bard of some renown He disappeared. we tend to leave a trail a mile wide We're sorry about the worry and the wreckage and the fuss. Our scout. now it's spreading backwards in time/ Where's Doctor Who when we need him?! When we pulled into Cooper's Lake for the Pennsic War. But when we got him back. guitar and all. with methods most complex We found him next to Cooper's Lake where he had gone to play. A Gang of Tuchux landed and announced that they were there. Firing lime green Jell-O balls from a homemade trebuchet. But soon became bewildered that nobody seemed to care They ran into 'bout half our crew who invited them to play The Tuchux took one look at them. they will yield to none when putting down the brew They outdrank seven Easterners and — (spoken) the Outlandish Trolling Engineering Expeditionary PARTY crew. Bastard Children of Argo CHORUS CHORUS CHORUS CHORUS page 39 . Chorus: And we're banned from Pennsic everyone. The boasting it grew greater with tales of lovers and the dead Until the Ninja came and booby-trapped the Admiral's head. Our crew is Midrealm's finest. But Pennsic doesn't want us anymore Our Admiral is somewhat obsessed with equipment to impress The ladies and the Royalty. rubber sheets.BANNED FROM PENNSIC Bruce Webb. he is a Viking lad who roams both near and far To satisfy a range of tastes that are a bit bizarre We sold him to the Horde one day to dampen down his pride. At least we're sure that twelve Kingdoms won't be soon forgetting us. CHORUS CHORUS Our archers. Security laid hands on him for singing things obscene Concerning Scotsmen. just a week or so. ska Lord Mikal Ironhawk about how the writer and some of his local shire fought at Pennsic 19 as the Midrealm Royal Navy Ye gods. Banned from Pennsic just for havin' a little fun We had a jolly shore leave there. sheep and kingdom Queens. But when we play.

O.D. every one. Chorus We're proud of our Exchequer. he said he'd do all right. Our Seneschal's a dancer who would grace a sultan's court. bright "Oyez!" As well as one hung-over king who slept three camps away. just for having a little fun. they clean forgot the war. Banned from Pennsic. Both armies charged because they thought the cannon had gone off. Her scheme for making money even impressed the B. he began to sneeze and cough. Isn't that the one where I won my way into the Tuchux camp by singing the Wowin' Nose Blues'? BANNED FROM PENNSIC Brynna of Aelfstanbury (Barbara Bowen) Our ships pulled into Cooper's Lake all ready for the War Then we set out to have some fun but went a bit too far. We'd heard of lots of stories true and lies both great and small. Chorus Our Knight Marshall was falling sick. The Mid-Realm king. And now no kingdom wants us anymore. 'hen get up in the morning by the dawn's most early light. Chorus: And we're banned from Pennsic. he hired her to provide morale support. We took a merry seven days to fight a weekend war. But when she entertained the troops. She woke our fighters early with a cheery. She said she'd sold the Autocrat some land in Trimaris. And we all swore before we left that we would top them all. "To hell with Pittsburgh! This is what we're fighting for!" Chorus Our Herald loves to go to war -.and dance and sing all night. When asked if he would Marshall. But when upon the battlefield. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 40 . though a tightwad she may be. They yelled. and so he could not fight.I could swear I've been to that war. She came home with a pile of cash clutched tightly in her fist.

or just what the stuff may do. Chorus What really ticked off Autocrat and Kings and Queens and Peers -Enough to make them banish us for the next hundred years -Was that what with all the scandal and the riots and the fun. He was successful every time. We didn't find him `til next week. and quite well he got paid -Until the night he stole a sheep whose fleece was curly black. when we unpacked at home. and they thought they'd have some fun. In fact. It seemed nobody noticed if the East or Middle won.wearing just a mask and woad. And so they sent a message out to ask both Hordes to come. one and all. Chorus Our ladies weren't to be outdone. But found him at the Masked Ball -. But they invited Tuchux to come party. Then they turned and ran away. We never know what's in it. Chorus Our newest member got involved in the Celtic Cattle Raid.and somewhat taken back -To learn that his cough syrup was an aphrodisiac. But next day all our ladies wore cloaks all trimmed with fur. fearing that he'd passed out on the road. and so they held a ball. And thus his patients were surprised -. drinking something new. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 41 . He went out every night at Pennsic. Chorus Our Chirurgeon's an herbalist who makes up his own brew. and they came all set to play — `Tit they saw what we were drinking. What happened to those Tuchux lads no one will know for sure. It seems he fell in love with her and wouldn't give her back. a Baron came one night and wandered in alone. The Hordesmen brought their koumiss. Chorus Our drunken Bard is very fond of sampling bizarre brew. Chorus One night our lords held revel.Our shire's come to be well-known for hospitality. One night we sought him. Our Hospitalers' tent could neatly hold a barony.

Especi'lly when a Gulag home is all you have to gain? But now we're . "Banned from Argo" has gone on for far too long. We want some comrades who respect the struggle of the class. [I wonder why] A MEN/ Bastard Children of Argo page 42 . and it was all turned around. "Banned from Argo. Banned from Russia. 'Cause "Argo" has a life now of its own. And so we're going to emigrate and move to Cambridge. We hear "Banned from Argo" ev'rywhere. No Democrat. is driven underground. To call someone a Communist has now become a curse. BANNED FROM RUSSIA Gary McGath This country was the nicest place where we could hope to be.Yo-ho-ho/ fa' heard jokes about out-of-work KGB spooks peddling State secrets on the street corners. But "Banned from Argo" has been banned from here. And now we're Banned from Russia. When life can be so simple. why should anyone complain. We had the army on our side and had the KGB. 'twas pleasant to the ear. Republican or Libertarian. but I never expected they'd wind up in ARGO! Heh-heh/ What a well-earned fate.CHORUS The USSR has dissolved. every one. it's gone from bad to worse. just for having a little fun. Then we woke up one morning. We made their choices easy since of parties there was one.CHORUS SICK OF ARGO Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek And we're sick of "Argo" ev'ryone. We had a jolly Party there for threescore ten and four But Russia doesn't want us anymore. Our Party. Mass. Because we're . once so powerful. Leslie Fish is sorry that she wrote the doggone song." don't they ever come up for air? It started as a jolly song.

Now every time someone boots up a computer screen. He took some on the run with him to see what they would do. The charges included nailing tarred and feathered pimps to a tree! CHORUS Our hacker king proceeded to win a run-wide bet By breaking into every local computer net. how coal dyou. But we're absolutely certain you'll remember us for eternity! CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 43 . The city cops arrested him for inciting whores to riot. When at last we from the city jail bailed him free. but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen. He outdrank seven Fleet Marines and a Navy SEAL crew. just three days or four But now Sturgis doesn't want us anymore! Our president would yield to none when putting down the brew. Our hardy crew proceeded to wreck every joint and bar! We had high expectations of their hospitality. The mayor came down to our camp and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife! CHORUS As part of our community service. Ridenour When we rode into Sturgis town in need of R&R. Their flesh is there. we must apologize thus: We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss. CHORUS Our chaplain loves humanity. every one! Banned from Sturgis just for havin' a little fun! We had a jolly time there. CHORUS Our gardener loves exotic plants. too. Which is why he rode his Harley right through City Hall. but he outdrank almost all. Now we're banned from Sturgis. Our secretary didn't win. Do these poor innocent bikers know what they're in for now? BANNED FROM STURGIS Mark V. and the plants all love him.Ye gods.. Please forgive us for disturbing your domestic tranquility. But found too late it wasn't geared for bikers such as we. now it's spreading to the biker subculture/ Marc of buddy. His private life is quiet.

Oy, S.C.A. famish politics too?! At /east Scadians can depose pushy rulers by going after them with rattan swords/

Linnet Kestrel and Klaus von Winterbach*

When barbarous invaders threatened Seagirt's hallowed halls, The council formed committees to reinforce the walls. We duly carried out the task, but found on our return, They'd branded us as traitors and sentenced us to burn! Chorus: And we're banned from Seagirt, one and all Banned from Seagirt, for promoting vitriol. We thought we'd paid our dues by now; it's been ten years or more. But Seagirt don't want newbies anymore.

Caterina and Tomasso once held the Catford Fair. She built the Seagirt garderobe, a gift to Clinton War. Then came the day they asked for aid, as fealty does swear, And Crown Prince Barak banished them, aye, shot the messenger. CHORUS Eduardo is a peacock; he wears flash Italian Ren. We made him our ambassador, 'cause he's Machiavellian ;. When his apprentice needed help, he promised to protect CHORUS _Jut Maudlin disagreed with him, and now he's a reject. A wheeler-dealer of the best is Aristophanes. As long as there's no questions asked, he'll find you what you please. But Maudlin only wants him gone. She didn't think it fun When he told her how Gudliefsen could count to twenty-one*** CHORUS There's Lady Emma de Mortain and Edrid brave, her lord, And to incorporate she took a seat upon the board. They said it was an evil plot, this newbie would be boss! She said her piece and went away - our gain is Seagirt's loss.


MacKenzie is our armourer; there's no more worthy man. He's a Persian Celt from Saxony who grew up in Japan. He once was shy and quiet until Maudlin got his goat, And he stormed out of the council room before the crucial vote. CHORUS

aka Barbara Gordon and Nick Welch ** Madeline's lord (Ari Gudliefsen) was hitting on Eduardo's apprentice, so he told him to back off and leave her alone. Madeline later told Eduardo that he wasn't a Seagirtian anymore. *** Aristophanes commented on Ari's abilities as Exchequer by saying that he couldn't count to 21 without --unzipping his fly.

Bastard Children of Argo

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Toshiro of the Heike clan, he's Lady Bolverk's squire, And by his skill with Daffodil* made money for the shire Until he'd had it up to here with dirty politics. His message to the Powers That Be was "What you fucked, YOU fix!"


It was Master Mark der Gaukler that founded Silver Whale, Was Seneschal and Sciences, at demos never failed. But they won't print his last farewell: such words just don't belong Or could be they already know they're doing it all wrong!** CHORUS Linnet Kestrel is a bard who founded SST She can sing five melodies at once, each in a different key. Seagirt's slate of officers was shocked beyond belief To learn she didn't want to live in Cathal's private fief. CHORUS A fencer and a marshall and a belly-dancer yet, Aurora (Mistress of the Dark) is one you can't forget. And if you try, she'll track you down and make your life a hell. We have her aimed away from us; we're doing pretty well! Here's Duncan, a MacQuarrie, yet another Seneschal. A mountain-high of paperwork won't trouble him at all. Although he loved his native land, he loved his honour more And so he came to bid farewell to Seagirt's stormy shore.



Once Beatrice was but a waif and now she's draped in lace And for a year as Mistress of the Lists she took her place. They'll have to weave Arachne's Web*** without her subtle thread, For she has gone to Salio**** where all the rest have fled. CHORUS We once were Seagirt's finest, and our deeds were Seagirt's pride. You'll find that our departure leaves a hole a mile wide. Let Cathal Sean O'Connlauin and his minions all beware. If Seagirt ever needs us, we'll make sure we won't be there. Chorus:: So we're banned from Seagirt one and all Banned from Seagirt for promoting vitriol***** We thought we paid our dues by now; it's been ten years or more. But Seagirt don't want newbies anymore.

the big event, tourney and feast We say this is Mark's motto: "I suppose you know you're doing that all wrong?" lacemaker's guild name of the dissident group is Latin for International House of Pancakes or for short, "Salio," Latin for IHOP (I hop) a quote from the Seneschal: "I will not support those who promote vitriol."

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Oh no, not Xmas Argo/ Now have nightmares about strolling through a shopping mall during the holidays and hearing the Muzak shift to an all-too-familiar tune...

Gary McGath, ©1994 Music: Blessed are those who have to ask, for they have hitherto received mercy.
This seasonal filk is partly inspired by Avram Grumer's "Banned from Egypt," about the Exodus. Consider it my revenge on all the restaurants and shopping malls which play endless Xmas carols in December.

"0 little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie. Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by." But we rode into Bethlehem and couldn't find a room, While Mary had a kid who was about to leave the womb. And now we're banned to Egypt, every one. Banned to Egypt, just for having a little Son. We just dropped in to pay our tax, for just three days or four, But Herod doesn't want us any more. Our room was hardly fancy but was stable as could be; We somehow found a midwife to perform delivery. I've heard of children born in cauls or bearing birthmarks red, But he's the only boy I've seen with a halo on his head! CHORUS ime shepherds came and told us that the child was heaven-blessed; We thanked them and requested that they leave and let us rest. But later, eastern wizards came, and they caused quite a stir, Delivering a pile of gifts like incense, gold and myrrh. CHORUS Then Herod called those wise guys in and ordered them to talk; They told him that a king was born, and he went into shock. He gave his soldiers orders, in a rage that was profound, To strangle every infant in the land that could be found. CHORUS The friendly old innkeeper said it wasn't safe to stay, So we joined with a caravan and got the hell away. We'd heard how Moses once had fought to let his people go, But if the choice was Herod, then we'd rather have Pharaoh. CHORUS Our Jesus is the finest, and we think of him with pride, But for some reason we don't know, the king hopes that he's died. We're hiding in the Sinai from the murders and the fuss, And only pray that Herod will have soon forgotten us. CHORUS

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You know you've made it when your Star Trek fi/ksong makes the crossing a// the way to the S.. But now we're missing fourteen men and nearly half our gear. Yes. who was powerful indeed. consumed by Cooper's Lake". But when he's in the woods. We told him. there's no doubt. and we don't know what we should do: The Midrealm's claiming we're unfair at how we win our fights. So Arthur took the sword from her but hasn't fought again — He's scared to be seen dueling with a weapon named "Smurfbane". he doesn't know his North from South. At Cooper's Lake. But he vanished Friday night. We are the finest in the East. a fighting band elite. A maid rose from the waters. His tombstone reads: "Here lies a knight. and she gave to him a blade. for just three days or four. a-lookin' for the War." she said. We're gonna have a battle there. in a fifty-foot-tall pile!" And we're bound for Pennsic. who looked up with a smile. our ladies fair. -. at the great Pennsic War. Our banner bearer Bob's a loyal soldier. I guess — we'll see if it's more interesting next year! Bastard Children of Argo page 47 . He lacked only one skill: he never learned quite how to read. Our brewer loves to party. Not bad. to cool off in the shade. So we went to the autocrat.C. We had a mighty fighter. "set them right there.Mary Creasey] BOUND FOR PENNSIC © 1989 Justin du Coeur (Mark Waks) Oh. He died amongst the leeches from a tragical mistake. it's now Sunday — he's still lost.. Art went to the swimming hole. "Guard the banner". just to have us a little fun. Arrrgh. "Okay. we're bound for Pennsic. Then searched 'round for a camping space for sixteen tents or more. everyone. but we didn't know the cost — We sent him in on Friday. Our knights are strong. forsooth/ [Not once but several times. With bottles flying out of trees and knocking out their knights! Now.A. our scouts are fleet of feet. he's a gallivanter true. we pulled into Cooper's Lake.

. those scruffy heroes true. So when we dock I'm going to thaw out Ensign Han Sulu Bastard Children of Argo page 48 . Our families go back quite a-ways.SEA vs. all of them. Every time they'd take someone on board. infatuated. frequents bars and brothels) I hear they've got a doctor who I think I'd like to meet. a man-trap. A poor privateer. Bound for Argo. My parents are in shock.) Well the next thin' you know. Beverly Hillbillies? Wow. (Tzed knew what he wanted. not as innocent as she looks) I entertained a Vulcan on his stretch of R&R How was Ito know he'd go and break into pon farr? Now I'll have a Vulcan brat. charge the fen a fee So that they can get them back in time for movie three. But then one day he was starin' at the tube. But when we do. Searched high and low. . till at last he heard that they were on shore leave. to Terra's early fame 'Cause I'm a Hatfield. all McCoys are always open game! Becky Sue: (late teens. But keeping track of characters. old Tzed's got a plan To foster some free enterprise and take her on the lam. spoken (Dimwits. I love the strong and daring types. steal a starship and then we'll run That starship crew we'll keep for ransom. but he had to find it first. I want the popcorn concession for that fight. He saw a TV show 'bout a starship crew . Elly May: (very obviously pregnant.) And we're bound for Argo and some fun. He told his crew his idea and they thought it really fun Especially after watching more old reruns. let me tell ya 'bout a man named Tzed. barely kept his engines fed. not too bright) Watching SF movies day and night keeps me amused. To raise the kid I'll use a baby book by Mr. I get a bit confused. he'd surely better be fast on his feet. they'd let him steal their ship out from under them. Spock. Cousin Clem: (a scraggly rabble-rouser. THE "BOUND FOR ARGO" SUITE Paul Willett ©1982 to the tunes of: "The Beverly Hillbillies" Theme and "Banned from Argo" Come and listen.

Or else you'll wind up just like us. I won't be satisfied until there ain't no more alive. "He's Jim. whose name I thought was 'Brad. Said he. a little "teched" in the head) I fought them Rooskie devils in the year of ninety-five. don't play that song again. Kirby. dad. not a trufan was in sight When all at once a ghostly ring of filkers he did spy And as they circled by him. he heard one call his name "If you want to save your soul from hell. you deserve to be hit by whatever gets thrown at you. neo."* * And if you're rash enough to stand still and try to sing the chorus again.we'd throw them in the lurch." Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 49 . if I win. We'll fight a duel and. accursed by all trufen. it's Godunov for me. This navigator "Boris" thinks he's bad enough for three.' My son just shook his head and sighed. I sent my son to search For members of that starship crew . Captain Tzed: (imagine Rodney Dangerfield as a starship captain) When we pulled into Argo Port. throughout eternity Chorus As the filkers circled round him.Banned from Argo Ghost filkers at the con Their strings were all on fire. he heard their mournful cry: Chorus: Banned from Argo. and their boredom he could feel A bolt of fear went through him as his future he could see. and their picks were made of steel Kazoos were black and shiny. a-filking in our ring Then. change your repertoire.. Be warned Be very warned GHOST FILKERS Larry D.Gramps: (wizened patriarch. III to the tune of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" A neo filker wandered to the lobby Sunday night The con was finally over. He came back with their captain brave.. Condemned to sing that stupid song.

ducking. sees They view her through the window. She shuts her eyes. and I fled under cover of darkness. They block the only doorway out." Her long locks shaking in dismay." "Rampage. on stage or in smoky bar: She sings her songs the whole night long. The rooms are closed. a neo tide. firm and grim.. recalls the tricks she has to dodge. Through hotel rooms./fs I recall. To either side. Bastard Children of Argo page 50 . Who once has heard her near or far. she flits and seeks another bar to sit.. Faster than a bug. So now she sobers up a bit. looking past her Tully. She hears the horde out in the streets and. the con hall locked. Great Ghu. through tavern doors. She sneaks in back. and they want "Banned from Argo. But what is this? To her delight. But they are quickly on her track and half a chord behind. but she's not done "Argo" yet. and now they set their Fish-ing line. I escaped when the circuit breaker cut out. she gives thanks for this reprieve." and "Filk of the Nightmare" back to back (enough to melt what's left of anyone's mind). half-piffled there. behind the pack.THE CHASE Scorpia vaguely to the tune of "Golden Eyes" The idea for this song came to me after listening to "They're Singing BFA.. But she has seen them so she screams. a trill of song above the stein A trill of song from brew-oiled throat and a dozen-stringed guitar. sits down and sighs. and then she runs like hell. it's time to sing or die. the hotel shuts down for the night. on all fours. A filker in the smoky bar. she stands and sways. this actually happened at a Time Con some five years back. The great Fish they have sought in vain. They stand before her. This the clue the neos find. So as they move to turn and leave. guzzling. a smile upon her face. and now the talk at filker cons Is of a canny piscine pro and a night none will forget. A shiver runs through her torso. but all her efforts fail. They must vacate the place. These silly neo-filker twits to shake them off her tail. She fears the neo kind.

he could be you or me But I must admit that I am frightened through and through To think that Odo just might be a Terminator. nothing to be feared She's lovely and intelligent and makes the Doctor glad She's handy with computers. too CHORUS Next comes the station's doctor. hell. boobs or behind CHORUS The son of the commander seems to be a nice young man He is there for the younger set. don't tell Leslie Fish The commander of the station doesn't like Jean-Luc Picard To meet the Captain face to face was really very hard But he must forgive the Captain for the show to work Else twenty million Trekkers will think Sisko is a jerk CHORUS A Bajoran major is the station's chief exec Finally there is a good strong woman on Star Trek She's forceful and intelligent and has an active mind And doesn't dress to show us all her legs. he doesn't seem to mind He has a grin just like a cat awaiting mice to pounce And the actor who does play him has a name I can't pronounce CHORUS Of all the people on the station. he's intelligent and kind When danger threatens. Stardate nineteen ninety-three We got to watch a brand-new show premiere on our T. that seems to be the plan But if he starts to outshine all the women and the men. for a slug she's not too bad CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 51 . he's right there. When Deep Space Nine appeared. I can a/ready imagine the Voyager mission DEEP SPACE ARGO Larry Kirby The month was January. V. We'll know he's fated to be Wesley Crusher's evil twin CHORUS The station has a shapeshifter. one is really weird Although they say she is no danger. it ought to be a sin To never hear this tune again would be a futile wish Whatever you do. you knew it'd happen all too soon: Some jerk would write a filk about it to this tired old tune CHORUS: And we're ripping Argo off again Ripping Argo off. he runs Security He can be anything he wants.Third generation Argo?! The /mho' boggles.

you saw it in his eyes But Miles he has a wife and child. and he runs the local bar He's ugly as a possum. did they taste great! 1 saved the label from the can to prove my tale was so I plan to give it to Ms. too CHORUS Quark is a Ferengi. gods. every one Beans by Argo. every one Canned by Argo.Miles O'Brien transferred from the starship Enterprise Jean Luc was sad to see him go.) Bastard Children of Argo page 52 . a label caught my eye I hoisted green beans in the air and gave a joyous cry 'Cause they were Canned by Argo. -. boy.. I've eaten these damn things and never made the connection. he knew just what to do --. Ye gods. now I'm having some cheap fun I didn't buy the ShopRite out Just got three cans or four So buy some Argo beans down at that store. That's where you got the name. Beans by Argo. and his ears stick out too far He likes the Major even though she is not of his race But she would rather have a Klingon sit upon her face CHORUS This song it will not be the best you hear on Deep Space Nine But I am rather proud of it because the damn thing's mine And throughout Star Trek fandom my poor name it will be cursed But I don't care because my Deep Space parody came first...'Cause now he gets star billing and the money's better. But I can see why you'd want to forget everything you could about the song. [See your introduction. Fish and lookit Leslie go! 'Cause they're.Mary Creasey] CANNED BY ARGO Major Matt Mason As I went down the grocer's aisles in search of stuff to eat Like tater chips and onion dips and potted luncheon meat I wandered past the veggie shelves.. I took the beans back to my place and put 'em on a plate Two minutes thirty in the nuke and.. now I'm having some cheap fun I didn't buy the ShopRite out Just got three cans or four So buy some Argo beans down at that store. (Popeye spinach too..

I neared them . Submit theories on how the ETs react! - EARLY ONE MORNING Carol Kabakjian to the tune of "Early One Morning" Early one morning. He/She takes up the guitar and sings 8f4. I gathered my courage to face this threat from outer space." I was moaning. they gave me quite a fright. "Oh.. then we probably won't want them anymore. gleaming in the light. "Our world's exploding! This is the end and we'll all soon be dead!" Then I looked out the door. NO!. we are. I. "Please don't fear us. I thought my life was at an end.Oy.Hmm. Quaking. Throughout the Milky Way.with a simple stratagem. naw we're corrupting ETSI ." "Huh. We've come to play and sing for you for just three days or four. Four BEMs got off the ship. Yes. as I was getting out of bed. Then it said. we are a star. there's a story in that-Imagine: ET saucer abductors make the mistake of picking on a fdA'er. you know. to you I will extend. I saw a clear blue sky turn a fiery red. (spoken): They said: to the tune of "Banned from Argo" "We're the Band from Argo. and there I saw the strangest sight: A spaceship sat there in my yard. we want you as our friend. nothing more. My fear was growing.was a translator. knew I must defeat them to save the human race." Bastard Children of Argo page 53 . A door was opening. The message that they gave me. To bribe them any way I could and make them leave our place. When one held up a strange device." The device the alien bore .

Yea.she really was hot stuff! CHORUS The female eyed his stalwart form. The nobles of Simaria all wanted Grignr dead. but Grignr still survived. and read it if you dare. shaved heads spread with bright orange paint. Right between his testicles. They soon embraced each other. and she was much allured. "You're a fool with a fat belly!" That's what Our Brave Hero said. He'd unleashed throngs of havoc until they were seeing red. A squad of soldiers tounced on him. so every time a reader broke down ROFLing. The story makes fen laugh until they cry. He howled in misery: "How could you dare such blasphemy before our diety?" CHORUS So much for chapters one through five.I was once lured into an "Eye of Argon" reading. Grignr found a tavern door. Stringy orchid twines of hair and firm protruding busts And a nose both lithe and opaque -. To tell the final chapters would just take me much too long. She regurgitated on him. The Eye of Argon -. and here I'll end my song.with its many faucets bright. Beady grey eyes glazed at him: he faced a giant rat! He tore it head from torso. heir challenge lit up Grignr's eyes to a searing feral flame. When he arrived in Gorzom. I won't reveal the story's end. She was ringed by leering shamen. The noble's face flushed white. then she leashed a desperate kick. it's that bad/ EYE OF ARGON: the filksong by Lee Gold (all misspellings intentionally copied from the story. then paled to a lustrous cherry red. then he honed a bone in haste And concealed it in the G-string that was wrapped around his waist. All robed in purple satin. I think we raised POO for the charity before we got all the way through. CHORUS CHORUS Meanwhile the girl Carthenia was feeling very faint. "diety" should be properly mispronounced). They threw Grignr in a dungeon cell where it was stygian black. So if you really care. CHORUS —Qo find a copy at a con. they were quite a sight to fear: CHORUS Bare feet in plush red slippers tipped with golden pointed spheres. CHORUS - Grignr killed a soldier but was captured at long last And marched through slinking alleyways to where their ruler sat. his choice of all the whores. s/he had to pay a dollar. Bastard Children of Argo page 54 . Escaped across a barren land where rats led dismal lives. A slender female he soon eyed. the Eye of Argon's quite a sight. verify. but some drunken soldiers came. It's a giant scarlet emerald that's a mighty idol's eye. and couldn't get throe-vh half a page of reading that thing aloud without cracking up. This was a charity event. CHORUS: Oh. A shaman kissed Carthenia with decrepid dull red lips. He only wore a loincloth brandishing a long broad sword.

filk "Banned From Argo"./ Talk about musical incest/ Once a jolly filker. perpetrating persiflage Counted the Fish songs. How did she write "Banned From Argo" in G? Chorus Now Mary Creasey has the lot to straighten up. and perform each song (if Leslie's gone). with permission granted after-the-act. Ye gods. The first line is stolen from M. and three {thousand} And he sang as he strummed up yet another minor key {A minor. Made fire-breathing the thing to do in G And he hung Danny Deever once again.FILK "BANNED FROM ARGO" Harry Smothers to the tune of "Waltzing Matilda" Copyright ©1995 (2/6) by Gerald L. and we wrote more than we'll ever know. Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me? Up popped Kanefsky. and we groaned. Filked "Banned From Argo" and ran off with glee Chorus Claire. in Argo-Land. Usual Disclaimer applies. What she'll dub "bastards" we'd all love to see But we'll read it. of course} Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me? Chorus: Filk "Banned from Argo". two. Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me? And we sang as we sat and perpetrated persiflage. grinning with a pagan muse. Kay. Who'll come and filk "Banned From Argo" with me? Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 55 . and Major Matt all joined in the festival NextGens and Con songs came eventually And we sang. and weep. Bliss. one. this 45 a fi/k upon a fa of a fi/ksong. Mitchell Marmel (aka Major Matt Mason).

Oh. A human would submit to us. but it opened up the door. we're banned from Terra evermore. But Terra doesn't want us. To keep them down would take all of our might. With all those asteroids around. we're banned from Terra evermore. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. in many ways they lied. Oh. defeat was in their sky.I love 1W Kill the Elephants -. They seemed to have no honor. They hid their bombs in hospitals. We gave to them the option to surrender and not die. then turn around and fight. the best technology. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. Oh. Oh. roads. most of all. we're banned from Terra evermore. they'd be fools indeed. Wonder why? Our invasion plans were simple: we decided to bombard. We scoured near-Earth space for rocks most suited to our need. and certain factories. Who could fight a herd of rogues? Who would even try? How did they work together? How did they learn to fly? They learned to build atomic bombs. nd when they launched Archangel. We sent jump troops to Kansas. airports. We had high expectations of an easy victory: We had high ground and. To stand against us. it wasn't very hard To knock out bridges. We told the humans to submit. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. We made the trip from Saturn 'cause we wanted better land. It wouldn't take us very long to bring them to their knees. they were filled with treachery. We captured members of their herd to study them alive. we're banned from Terra evermore.and remember that wars aren't won by tech a/one. On human nature we had never planned. We knew we had to learn their tricks before our plans could thrive. where we won the Jayhawk war. This was just the first step. We had no real conception of their ingenuity. so few would have to die. a miracle it seems. For Rogues to thus cooperate is way beyond our dreams. THE FITHP INVASION SONG Carol Phillips and Judy Craft based on Footfall by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle We came into Terran space to land and colonize. Bastard Children of Argo page 56 .

There's no room for us on Terra anymore. "Banned From Argo" again! At Westercon they had the answer. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. it soon would be too late. just two more before I go. Oh Lord. Lee let everybody know: Saturday at 7:00 we'll all sing "Argo. Oh Lord. 'Cause the humans. we're banned from Terra evermore. Em I was thinkin' of my next song: could be fast or could be slow. we're banned from Terra evermore. so it couldn't go half wrong But years went by. Oh Lord. The Archangel was closing fast. but at least I changed the tune. We thought it would be easy.Oh. Em D Came around to the new guy. we gave in to our fate. We cannot stay on Terra anymore. Every time a new fan asks. We gave their leaders promise of an interstellar drive. It dealt with sex and Star Trek. you should have read the rules. but it turned out really poor. and the filkers tired of the song that they once called friend. just to have the whole room groan. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked for it/ BANNED FROM ARGO AGAIN © 1994 by W. they defeated us in just three months or four. "Banned From Argo" again! Wish I had a silver dollar for every time it's sung. If they would please just let us go. did he say what I think he said? C G D Oh Lord. Banned from Terra just for starting a little war. Scott "Cosmo" Snyder to the tune of "Lodi" by Creedence Clearwater Revival G C G Sittin' in a bardic circle. when Leslie wrote this song. What a shame! Gawwwd." Don't ask for it any other time. "Banned From Argo" again! Bastard Children of Argo page 57 . "Banned From Argo" again! Nineteen years ago. and leave this place alive. Oh. So I had to write this parody. We finally knew that we had lost.

we'll write a verse. Well. And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way. Now Gilligan is on the Enterprise. And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way. it's true.. If anyone knows any TV themes that fit our song. so I'm not posting all the words.. Oh. sure. we are all just Happy Meals. not illt. and short a couple fries. Now Elly May is on the Enterprise. Uncle Jed and Granny dear and Mr. But we would like to find more TV shows to fill our crew. these things are called atrocities!!/ FILKING ARGO Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek (tune: Banned from Argo. and short a couple fries. Drysdale... Just let us know.. we are all just Happy Meals. Bastard Children of Argo page 58 .:qan room/ In wartime.. You can fill in the blanks) Just sit right back and That started from this The mate was Five passengers set trip ship. too Would like to join with me in sending this "Hello" to you: You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality. Oh. And we're filking Argo ev'ry day! Overdosed on Fish and lovin' it just that way.Great Ghu... and short a couple fries. it's not easy filking other people's tunes.. you'll see why I reminded you in a second) (Note: I'm not sure if the first verse is copyrighted. Now anyone can board the Enterprise. tour. we are all just Happy Meals. and you can sing along. Oh. Oh.

SHIT. 4A9 A while ago. In fact. be popular. huh? Bastard Children of Argo page 59 . the moral of the song is: Be friendly. it got played so much that everybody got really tired of it. try not to be so catchy. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St." Our crew is Starfleet's best. Ontario / CANADA / K71. I'll omit the part where the command crew fulfil their mandate of maintaining friendly relations with the local inhabitants./ LIKE A TRIBBLE TO THE SLAUGHTER Joel Polowin Copyright 1994 (with apologies to Frank Hayes. A gang of pirates landed then. Now. And if you can't be popular. Say. Greek and Dutch. We had a heaping helping of their hospitalitee. talking blues? When we pulled into Argo port in need of rest and rec.Tatty Groves. But soon found out they weren't cut out to cope with such a spree. It became immensely popular. Urdu. We're starting to suspect it's not the damage that they fear. there was a song written about Star Trek. in the interests of brevity. They wandered round to see what entertainment they could find. And if you can't be friendly. the only way that most people can stand to cope with it at all now is if it's tightened up a lot. All 47 verses of it. and like many popular songs. some of the more disposable parts left out. Our crew invited all of 'em to set and drink a bit. then turned and said. But all the bloody songs of us that they don't want to hear! Now. and performed In some unusual way. But the pirates only looked at us. and no one seemed to mind. Our exploits have been sung in English. and ducking La Fish) Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. / Kingston. and though that isn't saying much. especially the song's author. Our crew spread out and commandeered each joint and holodeck.This is what I get (poetic justice?) for fi/king . "Ooohhhh.

Argo! You brought me to this shore. To me.but myself I betrayed. When Jason smiled. I killed my sons to kill his bride -. searching for our Golden Fleece. And now there'll never be another girl there named Kathleen! 6rrr/ Beware. With spells of skill and sorcery which dared to challenge Fate. But first of all. They got him drunk and hooked him into every telescreen. Riley's quite a singer.. Jason. I've no life left to lose. .betrayed my life for hate. too! Chorus BANNED FROM ARGO . Argo.Inevitably. O'Brien Inspired by the Greek legends of the'll kill your captain. after this curse . Keith! I now live in the same state as you. though there's some who'd say I'm wrong. life was boring. you sand-blind Argo! It's Medea here again -You know. then suddenly I could not be afraid To betray my land. Until I met with Jason. and the ship Argo (which was once a constellation). and I learned my Art in peace. He's Starfleet's finest filker — if he skips a certain song .the fate that I would choose. he forgot the deeds I'd done. they are the Kindly Ones. You always were unlucky for your passengers and crew. But you'll have less. you would never bring me home. Rejoice. In Colchis. I'll place a curse you're fated to fulfill. Chorus Now fast the Furies follow me -. Argo.NEW VERSE Keith Wood — this is one I wrote some 15 years ago: Well. evermore! Curse you. Chorus My old life gone. But when Greek kings offered daughters. And brought me faithless Jason when on wine-dark seas you roamed -But. my king -. I risked the new to bear him two brave sons. somebody had to go bock to the original Argo legend MEDEA'S CURSE Maureen S. and there ain't no gun control laws here! page 60 Bastard Children of Argo . my pet. the lesser prize your captain Jason came to win? The gods will place you in the stars. Medea. Chorus: And I curse you. I will not fight their will.

She asked them all to cool it and she hoped that it was gone. MOVE OVER. by Cynthia McQuillin) And none will soon forget all the things that came to pass From Cynthia McQuillin's tale of spacers out of gas If spaceships ran on songs. chorus . CHORUS (To "Captain Jack and the Mermaid". with gleams in their eyes) Filked through each possible aisle of attack (I dare say Meg Davis [the writer.. of filks to feed the drive CHORUS (To "Whisky in the Jar" as per Harold Groot's "Baby Vampire Boogie") This song at first seemed safe but now we've seen an end to that The leather wings grew feathers or proceeded to go splat They've been affixed to angels or to pegasi or flies I hesitate to think what's next before this process dies With a scratch of filkers' pens.. (To the last line of "Greensleeves") You can always just write it to Greensleeves! page 61 Bastard Children of Argo . you see] Is wishing they all would be drowned in the sea) CHORUS (To "Drink Up The River". it sure caught on quick.various. But thanks to tape the neos still request it at each con. So in deference to all of them I think it's time I stopped (spoken) And remember. The fans requested it so much it near made Leslie sick. the Borman's Fate would surely thrive Upon this massive diet. 5tilljudging by the first verse. Dr. by Leslie Fish) When Leslie Fish composed a Trek song. by Meg Davis) And then there's the song about brave Captain Jack (All those filk writers. by Kathy Mar) And finally we come to Kathy Mar's familiar tune With a list of filks that threatens to reach halfway to the moon Like all the other songs that have been filked until they've dropped.. Frankenstein The monster you created isn't half as big as mine I wrote a simple filksong.. DR.. turned it loose for all to see And now the spin-offs nearly bury me! (To "Fuel to Feed the Drive". CHORUS (Banned From Argo) And it's move over. I'm willing to proclaim that Kay Shapero is a telepath. FRANKENSTEIN Kay Shapero ©1991 Tunes: verses ."Banned from Argo" (To "Banned From Argo".And now we get into las on the bleeping tune as well as the words/ This has got to be a fandom first.

And Argo was its name . AA-r-g-o.0. The crew had lots and lots of fun there. AA-r-g-o. Banned from filkdom. AA-r-g-o. It haunts her to this day . And so it's banned from filkdom for a year. And Argo's where they came . The Enterprise then came to port.0. It clings to every filk until we spray with fungicide. AA-r-g-o.John. and now we're getting sore. AA-r-g-o. AA-r-g-o. And come no more to play . It has ten verses in the book and thousands more besides. BANNED FROM F1LKDOM Harry and Mara Brener There is a little ditty that every filker knows. It's known as "Banned from Argo" and you know how it goes.0!!! - Please! f-=T-4. AA-r-g-o. 'Cause WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMORE! Bastard Children of Argo page 62 .0.0. When they came to play .0. so you'd better not sing it here. AA-r-g-o. But Argo was dismayed . To have some R and R . Leslie Fish then wrote a song. AA-r-g-o. AA-r-g-o. The crew were one and all hauled in And told to go away .0.0! AA-r-g-o. how could you 2! A PLANET John Creasey to the tune of "Bingo" There was a planet out in space. AA-r-g-o. And Argo was its name-0.0. AA-r-g-o. About this trip to play . AA-r-g-o. AA-r-g-o. We've heard it fifty times tonight.

. with all this new technology and all. VOYAGER Joel Polowin (from January. Ea Co 5E6 crii. a 0Es s5E0 a 5 5:13 How does that old Fifties rock song go.<E0 gfe. OK? Ain't no way. NEO Larry Kirby to the tune of "Que Sera. Then I'd get thrown in the pool CHORUS Now I'm an old and gray trufan And I hear 'Argo' now in my dreams When I hear a neo ask for that song I curse at him and scream: CHORUS c c cs-3 o o s (1.c. Jose. na-na.cs-. here comes the Voyager version already.. to make a quick house call! Professionals still willing And we are banned from Argo yet again. I've heard it's cool. Bastard Children of Argo page 63 . One should always be patient and tolerant with news (I could tell quite a tale about that) but there are knits: QUE NEO.0." All through the con I asked the fen "Please play 'Banned From Argo. 1995) Our doctor is a hologram." Some gaped in horror. and when he wants to play He has to call for take-out since he cannot leave sickbay It's good to see. Jose Get out of here right away You should drop dead. some ran away." And just as I feared. Sera" When I was just a neo fan Went to a filksing. a E-.Ea 2 0 0:3 E13 p _..My sentiments exactly. I've heard it's neat.? "I like short shorts // Na-na. na-na." Here's what they said to me "Ain't no way..E.523 a 23.52-(5a:0 - gL sr5e-. na-nah. and asked them "Please Play 'Banned From Argo.

. go for it. Until I set all of my lyrics right in front of me I looked down at my other songs and found they were the same So now I sadly do admit that I'm the one to blame 'Cause my songs.. I wrote a song designed to draw guffaws and laughs galore I worked hard on the lyrics and an original score I played it at a con down south where I had a real good time. But then a friend called on the phone and told me of my crime Chorus: My songs scan to Argo.?) There are more of me than meets the eye. And those who saw me said the color drained right from my. face `Cause my songs. And then he played it once again as an Argo parody I heard my precious words as they fell neatly into place. You want to play it. saying that it couldn't be. or it will be my doom Yes. So at cons now you'll find me in the back of the filk room For I don't dare to play a song...sympathize.. r or days I did deny it.. I've forgotten all the other tunes I used to play 'Cause I sing them all to that same tune and all in the same way 'Cause my songs scan to Argo every one They scan to Argo . (Why do I get the feeling I'll regret ever writing this../ SCANS TO ARGO Mark Osier ©1993 Jpy left 1993 and all that other legal-type career in filk is done But maybe if I take another music class or four My songs won't scan to Argo anymore Bastard Children of Argo page 64 . every one They scan to Argo . but mention that I wrote it to save yourself some heat... By the career in filk is done But maybe if I take another music class or four My songs won't scan to Argo anymore I listened there in horror as he played my song for me. could someone (maybe Harry Smothers) see that Steve Macdonald gets a copy of this and let him know it's his fault? He'll understand.

Along with the guest of honor. So sometimes when they make love they let me watch. The restaurant had a wine list like they'd never heard of bheer. It's a gland embargo everyone. and this really is no fun. Through wind and rain and bumpy roads and interstates we fought. It's nice to see them smile. everyone I'd have shot the chef then. Seems like every one we go to is a thousand miles away. and I turned white as a sheet When the Guest of Honor lit up in the smoking-free con suite. The fare was filet mignon buried deep in lobster tails. We may have to hitchhike back so we don't know when we'll arrive. Where'd our fannish car go.What can I say to this. What could I do but stifle tears and tell her she was free? Now her hand's in Margot's. But if porn is what you're looking for. The doors were clearly labeled. It was bland escargot. Just to find our car'd been stolen from the hotel parking lot. fans are just too damned polite. It has to do with Trek folk messing 'round with kin and kith. page 65 Bastard Children of Argo . I punched him several times. but 4/tet4RRRSHHI THEN WE SCANNED KEY LARGO JUST FOR PUNS R. Now that was some fancy hotel that our con was in last year. We'll be lucky if we get back home alive. everyone? We didn't bring any money. who broke bones and a tooth. I met her at a con and hoped someday she'd be my wife But one day she met a woman she said she loved more than me. if I'd only had a gun They wouldn't give me a refund 'cause I'd eaten four or five I was lucky to get out of there alive. And the maitre-d' turned red when I complained about the snails. Believe me. No one was taking action. And if they stay to listen in to four verses or five. We drove to that convention through the night and through the day. they have fun. They know I often get a lonely aching in my crotch. They'll be lucky to have brain cells still alive. Watch that damned cigar go through the roof. I. this version's one to skip For my juices are at port. and they won't let 'em on the ship. But I don't think fans will soon forget what happened there that night. maybe four Now he won't be guest of honor anymore. everyone. There's just one woman I have loved in my entire life. and he broke three ribs. Stalls from Argo will not find this song much fun. Benefiche ©1992 WARNING: ARGO ALERT! PUN ALERT! HORRIBLE SCANSION ALERT!! There is a song filk parodists are cursed to struggle with.

rape and burn for just three days or four. Whose area is the Viking Age. with the crew singing in triumph The last sauna/ we hear is the old Norse hymns to Odin gradually fading into. each one. with the pointed shields rattling along her sides. Pretty soon the other yachts catch on to what's happening and start running before the wind for real We get to see just how fast those fancy boats can go. the longship. And as the sun sinks slowly in the West. when along comes a Ming longship under sail and oar. It's a pun onfrr draka. loot. 800-1000 CB) has an actual replica Viking longship which has traveled under sail and oar (no motor . rape. and just how good their idle rich crews really are. - Bastard Children of Argo page 66 . It has passenger docks and during Constellation (Worldcon in Baltimore) and at least one of the regional Balticons that were held there.that ld be unauthentic!) all over Chesapeake Bay. Now Baltimore don't want us any more! * The translation of Fydraca from the Norsk drakkar.with authentic swords and axes. Odin he/p the police boats and Coast Guard cutters who try to intervene because the longship is carrying an arbalest and several good archers.. out fly the grapnels to snag the yacht's gunwales. It board and storm. pillage and burn/ She /eaves the yacht a burning wreck and takes after the next in line. isn't it? -- I see marvelous visions: It's the posh Kennebunkport regatta with all the posh ships of the ridiculously rich sailing pret* down the coast. The Inner Harbor** wasn't set to meet a Markland crew! Chorus: So now we're banned from Baltimore. "fire-drake" . laden with booty. v.SONG OF THE FYDRACA'S* CREW Dick Eney Author's note: The Markland Medieval Militia (a historical reenactment grout. She overhauls but doesn't pass. The TV newsies think it a joke uni/ she overhauls the rearmost yacht. Instead. and fyrd draka "dragon(ship) of thefrrd" (a Viking war-band) ** Inner Harbor is Baltimore's tourist center as well as being a real. "dragon. with its crew in their Viking garb. we're banned from Baltimore for having a little fun! We came to pillage.the kind of dragon that breathes fire.. functioning harbor. reddened by a thick pall of smoke. fades into the mist." so called because of the figureheads they used. This is too good an opportunity for a filker to pass up. Oh yes. this/ dragon ship pulled into port because we thought we'd find The sort of fan convention every Viking has in mind. But soon we found despite the best that Balticon could do. the longship was moored in front of the hotel and took passengers out for trips in the harbor 3-4 times a day. then out jump the crew in full 141ohg garb and armor -.

But. but when we began to play. each one! Arbitrarily banned from Baltimore for having a little fun! We came to pillage.htm for an excerpted version. We thought the girls were lively. our scuzzy lot won't let the mundanes relax. It's surprising what perfectly straight people "* will sing when they're safely out at sea. (I suspect this may be a reference to "Bend Over.S. rape and burn for just three days or four. We went to see what this place had to cure a case of thirst. "Greek Sailor": Think "Eskimo Nell" in a sailor suit.Mike Liebmann) Bastard Children of Argo page 67 . Now rowing's heavy work. Naval Academy.turoks. Now Baltimore don't want us any more! The Block is Baltimore's red-light district. We found "Greek Sailor"*** gave the con committee heart attacks. Greek Sailor" (1980 or so by Aethelstan and Clam Chowder).To kill our drought and appetite was what we thought of first. no fear. Imagine. They claimed they'd never had a night aboard a dragon-ship. but we'll make do. What. holding Mass because they'd seen the last of us! It's too bad that we can't come back. about half a day's sail down Chesapeake Bay from **** Baltimore (Transcriber's note: It's also the location of the Because we're going to sack and burn Annapolis**** next year! Now that we're banned from Baltimore. Two dozen of them went and joined a nunnery next day! CHORUS The con committee told us that we'd have to leave at home Our deadly water pistols and our swords of plastic foam**.--LG] Annapolis is the capitol of Maryland. armed or not. but we just don't believe those bars When they restocked next morning used three trains of tanker cars! CHORUS Some wenches from The Block* told us they'd like to take a trip. I wouldn't mind seeing who'd win this one . you guessed? Deadly water pistols: Balticon is one of the too-numerous fan groups who give pacifism a bad name by freaking out at even obvious toys. see httpl/www. CHORUS We still don't understand why the hotel made such a fuss.

A self-centered. I'll tell ya how to do it: Write a song about Argo.) The Doctor's something very strange....... He never laughs..... But the word about 'em.Ri-i-i-i-ght!) See. egocentrical pup: Without high tech.. Came back on board with a great big sack.) I ain't gonna talk about the rest of the crew Or the strange and unusual things they do.... the thing's caught on! (BIG hit.. J... he can't get it up! (He don't love women.. All about those enterprising blokes. Before ya know it.... And comes in heat once every few years (And rapes computers. it was all a joke. Is "Watch your wallet..Spock ears. never cries a tear.. To make 'em all seem good and normal. he's quite discreet. Keeps a battery-powered Nurse doll in his closet. He's weird and unusual.... from Argo to Dover. Jim...TALKING BANNED FROM ARGO Joe Bethancourt Copyright 1993 W... 17/ getcha for that Amplified guitars at 50 paces: If you want to get in trouble.Typical party-goers..... the Captain's an egotistical sod That thinks he's some kind of little tin god.." nice and formal... Bethancourt Not again. ya sing it at Cons.. (Nice boys and girls...Bajoran false noses... `Twas done "on contract.Has affairs with calculators.. Joel 000H. And in stuff like this..Hehehehehehehl) The First Officer's calm and very neat... Ya sing it at parties.Trekkies. and don't bend over!" (Wanna buy a duck? How about a trained cormorant?) Bastard Children of Argo page 68 .. quite deranged. Sounds pretty Fishy to me ) The thing of it is. Macho and Machisma Space Pioneers....Just his ship. He's a certified necrophiliac (She's DEAD. then yer into it. Masturbates on the bridge when he's alone.

then throw Argo to the Titans. and then a constellation-class starship showed up. that how the Argo wound up as a constellation — which got its name in the stars and then got tacked to a particular star. and he's still locked in that tryst! And it's "See the Argo. Now "Deep Space Nine's" due for incineration (Honest.So every time ya wanna sing They just wanna hear the same damn thing: "Banned From Argo.. as she dances upon the tide. What do every one of you have against a sailing-ship? And if Jason the heroes can't put back upon his father's throne. reaching wide!" "See the Argo. We//. And many another hero true went along then for all the ride A discus hurled as no other was put a shrimp among their midst Until the spring-pool called to him.. (Wanna make love? No! Play me "Banned From Argo!" ARRGGGH!) So "Argo.. I didn't know it was Odo sleeping in the blender!) Another tip of the hat to original Greek mythology. a New Generation. when ya turn out the light.. But the damn thing just keeps going. on and on! Sequels and spin-offs.!/ ANTI-ARGO Kihe Blackeagle I've wondered often (many times!) why Argo is such a rip. like a dog might get a bone! There walked the mighty Heracles." fifty times a night! Ya hear it in bed. Well. muscled shoulders spanning wide." No other ship has ever been so true and widely known As a vessel called the Argo.. that's how messes like this begin/ Bastard Children of Argo page 69 .. that put Jason upon his throne! Yeah." I guess. is a pretty good song. Sir. How the mighty have fallen.

"I've heard it once or twice myself. The trufen want their Tully. "The song's too low. "What makes that fellow clutch his chest?" the neo-filker cried." the veteran replied. and they're looking for a drum. "It's Leslie Fish. We begged 'em not to do it. But they're singing "Banned from Argo". but our pleading was ignored. For they're singing "Banned from Argo". so white?" the neo-filker cried. "What makes that woman's eyes bug out?" the neo-filker cried. my reaction was to get up and run. you can hear the final chord. "The guy whose room is right upstairs. you can hear the guitars strum. the song's too low. "Page fifty in your Westerfilk. "I'm dreading what I've got to hear." the veteran replied. "What makes you look so white. I've been to filksings like this one — a/though. Bastard Children of Argo page 70 . "What's that that whimpers overhead?" the neo-filker cried." the veteran replied." the veteran replied." the veteran replied. the song's too high." the veteran replied. to drown you out. I only just walked in and now I'm sorry that I've come While they're singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing. But they're done with "Banned from Argo". "I've heard this song a score of times!" the neo-filker cried. "To drown you out. "Who's that who's got her ears stopped up?" the neo-filker cried. you will see why I complain That they're singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing. you can hear the trufen hiss Nine hundred other filksongs. THEY'RE SINGING "BANNED FROM ARGO" Bob Kanefsky Copyright 02/29/1988 to Leslie Fish's tune for Rudyard Kipling's "Danny Deever" "What are the guitars playin' for?" the neo-filker cried. and the neos ask for this! I feel a sudden urge to step outside and try to miss Their singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing. it's Leslie Fish. "The song's too high.Yep." the older filker sighed. For they're singing "Banned from Argo" and you'll see it's quite a strain To rumble through the verses and still squeak through the refrain And when you hear them try it." the veteran replied. and they sure are looking bored After singing "Banned from Argo" at the filksing. "Where can I find the words to this?" the neo-filker cried. They're taking their kazoos out. in fact.

what hast thou wrought?" CHORUS Next up in the tortured song was a rather torrid tale Of an aging Starfleet surgeon who incited whores to wail. Sing "Hope Eyrie" or "Freedom Road" or any other tune. "Let's hear it one more time!" CHORUS If I were King of all the Bards. they sang all bloody day! CHORUS: And we're tired of "Argo" ev'ryone Tired of hearing crewmen having too much fun We're all stuck here on Planet Earth. Instead of the library he went Chapel-ing instead! CHORUS At this point half the audience was hollering "No more!".. They beamed him up in the nick of time to save their captain's. But we'll hear "Banned from Argo" nevermore! (Sound effect: Shotgun slide being worked) Wonder why? Bastard Children of Argo page 71 . it just kept getting worse! CHORUS The singers droned while we all groaned a chorus of despair Of Starfleet deeds with the cache of week-old underwear. Protesting cries and fleeing folks were all. it's gonna be too soon! FINAL CHORUS: And we're tired of "Argo" ev'ryone Tired of hearing crewmen having too much fun We're all stuck here on Planet Earth. and we wondered what they'd do The strummers tuned their fancy lutes and then began to play.. alas. I've been to cons like this!!/ TIRED OF ARGO Copyright 1992 Scott Malcomson and M. If we never hear "Argo" again.cause! CHORUS We next were all subjected to a rather vulgar verse 'Bout a Vulcan Science Officer and a certain Earthling nurse. Rather than face the penalty for breaking Argo's laws. for naught. Mitchell Marmel When we went to the Filker's Con in search of something new. But we'll hear "Banned from Argo" nevermore! They sang of a sex-crazed captain who couldn't keep it in his pants.Ye gods.[short pause]. Fish. and Ghod knows we're all bored. "Ms. We joined in with the circle.. While the less hardy filking fans were heading for the door. But much to our surprise and shock.. She came up with a po-ti-on to try to turn his head. 'twould be my fondest wish To take "Argo's" lyric sheets and use 'em to rap Fish. This guy's tireless sex drive prolly even ran to plants. And the only song that they would sing. and Ghod knows we're all bored. And when at last they finished up the final ghastly rhyme We lynched a neo who called out. The hapless few remaining moaned. Someone had run to fetch an axe to end the filker's verse.

He said. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 72 . and she was really tough. When we were found together.S. she flew into a rage. But when two soldiers tried some "Basic Training" in the nude. we'd been marooned on Gilligan's Isle. —Next thing we knew. When worlds collide. Chorus They say the Navy makes a man. a good sollo'protest song/ I could a/most forgive you for using that tune for it. The FBI. died with grace. AND US Steven Piziks When we signed up with Uncle Sam to serve our country's need. the CIA and even Scotland Yard! Chorus The military uses gays. But when the Captain heard of us. Bean: I thought I had her pegged. We shouldn't take that crap. She wore a formal gown and heels! She'd even shaved her legs!! Chorus The general. The doctor dropped his stethoscope. We fought the Gulf and Vietnam. He proved he loved his country. "But. his face was pale with shock. birth control had never crossed our minds!" Chorus I knew a lesbian Marine.Ah. She called the cops and sheriff and the entire National Guard. we began to schmooze. boy. Doctor. And when it turned out he was gay. Banned from service just for playing around at night. I met a cute young sailor and the radannan made three. The sergeant-major had a son who looked just like Tom Cruise. THE U. and still we take the rap. we knew not what he'd do. the punishment was vile. and God knows they made me. Chorus: And we're banned from service just for spite. we fought in two World Wars. We all assumed we'd be allowed to sleep with whom we pleased. We learned the U. We've fought with honor. You know that's wrong. "Why weren't you careful? Now you're really in a bind. Chorus Two men with bulging stomachs went to sickbay for the doc. I thought it would be rough. Pentagon's a strait-laced nasty prude. You fight ten times more fiercely with your lover at your side. we were shown the doors. she had a son just two months underage. She got invited to a ball. my God." They said. white and blue. well. They say we hurt morale. for he turned red. But when they ended. well. She'd show up wearing L. But when his father caught us.L.S.

The rest of us sat fuming and called them techie snobs. guitars and courtesy besides. They turned their chairs and faced us. prepared to make a stand. And so we shrieked out "Argo" and blew them off the coast.Admittedly. Chorus # 1 Our filks are fandom's finest ." and everyone let fly." and the waiter ran and hid. and looked them in the eye. They thought they'd found a party. but we sang it at a roar Now they won't crash our filksing anymore A waiter poked his nose in and wondered what was up. this is one thing that this song is good for. And we sang him "Argo" everyone Sang him "Argo" and he took off at a run We only sang one chorus. He jingled water pitchers and cans of 7-UP. We don't roam halls. They asked. or cause a lot of fuss. A USE FOR ARGO Roberta Rogow They came into our filksing with their manuscripts in hand. And all we need's a room. You won't want "Banned from Argo" anymore Bastard Children of Argo page 73 . But we'll sing "Banned from Argo" if you try to mess with us! And we'll sing you "Argo" everyone Sing you "Argo" and you'll take off at a run We'll sing you every verse we know. pull fire alarms. We grabbed guitars. detuned them. but instead they met their doom. "Banned from Argo!. He said that we were crazy for doing what we did. So we sang "Banned from Argo.and our repertoire is wide. make up several more. Someone yelled. Chorus # 1 A pair of Amway salesmen heard the music from the room. And we sang them "Argo" everyone Sang them "Argo" and they took off at a run We only sang one chorus. "What are you doing? What are those songs you play?" And so we sang them "Banned from Argo" and they turned and ran away. We thought that we would hit them in the place that hurt the most. but we sang it at a roar Now he won't crash our filksing anymore The tapers called for quiet while they twiddled with their knobs.

Bastard Children of Argo page 74 . then sing the following chorus to the chorus tune: And it scans to "Argo". Susannah (traditional) 8. Horsetamer's Daughter (Leslie Fish) 9. Like a Lamb to the Slaughter (Frank Hayes) co (If desired.. Engineer's Hymn (Leslie Fish) 6. With songs of seven iambs and a meter of four/four. everyone." "The Argo of Seville.. Gilligan's Island theme song (Sherwood Schwartz) 4. God Lives on Terra (Julia Ecklar) 3. Scans to "Argo" so let's have us a little fun.No. Black Widows in the Privy (Heather Rose Jones) 5. it'll show up in ASCII next! SCANS TO ARGO chorus Copyright 1987 by Claire Maier Procedure: Sing the first verse of each listed song to the verse tune for O "Banned from Argo". Cathy Cook) .. Oh. I Dream of Unicorns (Teri Lee. no. Songs: 1. this can continue ad infinitum) And ad nauseam! I have this recurring nightmare about the Operation Version: "Argo and the Night Visitors." "Argoida.". We'll all screw "Banned from Argo" up once more. a thousand times no! Afigoddess. Fuel to Feed the Drive (Cynthia McQuillin) 2.

And was a good deal poorer when we beamed him back inside. They bragged about their escapades. And left him face down in the street. the pair were playing chicken round the sun. We ran into some spacers there. CHORUS Our Helmsman for his shoreleave borrowed shuttle number three. CHORUS When Vader thought that he was safe. CHORUS Our proper cool First Officer has lost some of his pride. For it's ladies' night on Argo Port. but more likely to drink you under the table. We have a super weapon that makes all our foes turn pale. And ended up compelled to fly into the nearest star. through Mike Richards and Roger Burton-West (October 25. And brought along a warship that would smash the Death Star flat! CHORUS The Borg came to assimilate this lonely spaceport bar. LADIES' NIGHT ON ARGO It wrote itself. he thought a bit too soon. For the female of the species is more deadly than the male! CHORUS References on page 77 page 75 Bastard Children of Argo . Unity was not an even fight. He really should know better than to mess with Harrington. CHORUS We prowl among the space lanes fearing neither man nor beast. For Cam and Con and Kay and Kat were dancing there that night. And Fury flattened logic in all three falls out of three. He wagered on his prowess `gainst Alicia DeVries. so she pulled a little coup. and the crew is quite distraught. He wouldn't take her gentle "No"." <hss> The Empress of all Humankind had stopped by for a chat. Of all the Space Fleet's arsenal we rank amongst the least. the risks that each had run. He suddenly slowed down his ship and said <hsss> "That's not a moon. Ladies' night. with a dozen redshirts too. The crew set out to visit every single pub and bar. We won't be back on Tuesdays anymore.Not just deadlier. But found out fast it wasn't safe for spacers such as we. Our Captain went a-walking with a lady from Grayson. And Unit vs. 1997) When we pulled into Argo port in search of R&R. The last we saw. We had high expectations of their hospitality. `twas just three girls or four. And soon was swapping stories with one Rosselin-Metadi.

and soon began to swear. Banned from Argo by the ghost of Leslie Fish. But long before we even got within transporter range. To find a brand-new chapter of the Wobblies run by Nog. He checked the replicators. he sleeps inside a pail. Choru s Our constable's a shapeshifter. but LIKE THIS?! WHERE NO FISH HAS GONE BEFORE Claire Maier When we struck out for Argo port. Until she got an earful of what Leslie had to sing. Chorus ---We went back to our station. We thought we'd find a planet for a shore leave mighty fine. "Gremlins Everywhere. he found himself agog. seems that she's been through a war. she swore she knew everything. "No weapons on the promenade!" is his eternal cry. to O'Brien's vast dismay. he 'bout had a heart attack. and if you flaunt his rules. he's a family man at heart. a manager supreme. He's raised his son alone. Our transport ship was hijacked by a specter very strange. she thinks she's seen it all before. But Leslie just can't take it any more. Our boss's tastes are simple. you'll go to jail.What is this. But when he tried to close the deal. like ships in days of yore. He'll spy on you." Chorus Our major is Bajoran. Chorus: And we're banned from Argo — not our wish. To have Argoan hookers for his suites had been his dream. Do you want to tell Odo about Leslie. Chorus Our barkeep Quark's a businessman. or should I? Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 76 . though. Of politics or tactics. Just as we heard a ghostly voice sing. He sent Jake off to school right after Leslie turned us back. But when she subbed for Keiko. e'er since his wife was blown apart. on leave from Deep Space Nine. cid just fixed up the whole damn place and hoped to get away. No matter what it is. We thought to have our shore leave there. the sequel to "Leslie Fish's Ghost Is Haunting Space Station Two7 Oyl I wonted to be immortal.

Lieutenant Dax's a symbiont. Chorus a Ea . anyway?" Chorus The folks out in the Gamma Quadrant really love to game. Chorus Our doctor is a ladies' man. deadly starship.] MacDonald . The Empress of all Humankind is Jiltanith from Mutineer's Moon and The Armageddon Inheritance by David Weber.the sort of person to break from cover while under attack. occasionally seen to be a good martial artist. that's what he likes to think. but we guess it's here we'll stay. he offered her a drink. in order to get a better shot. She's a top class cybernetically-enhanced soldier sharing her head with the last of the Greek Furies and the AI of a fast. we've just heard something that may make it moot.and has the capability to make stars go nova. diplomatic skills improving (she's stopped hitting them). then perhaps she'll go away. of course. The starship in question is the size of Earth's moon . Jadzia much preferred to keep its prior sex lives quiet. CLB OL-6 L5:6 Crs' 6:6 "Ladies' Night on Argo" References (drawn from Mike Richards' message on rec. Whenever we have played them. No matter how much skill we'd show. "Who is Dirty Harry. (So) when he met up with Leslie's ghost. (But) he came out saying.- Very competent starship commander. They went back to his cabin. " E. its past lives were a riot.270 a 0 - a51_0giro a . they have put our best to shame. Alicia DeVries is from Path of the Fury by David Weber (stand-alone novel at the moment). She sings this song about some dame Miranda and her fruit. from the series by David Weber (starting with On Basilisk Station). and he thought he'd make her day. If we don't mention Argo. for we haven't seen them since.filk) The 'lady from Grayson' is Honor Harrington. 6_0' ) . Eis 6:0" (So 6:6 a E5 EF. they'd always make us wince ('Till) they played "Car Wars" with Leslie. 'Till Leslie wrote a song detailing every little whirl That's longer than the one about eight horses and the girl. Bastard Children of Argo page 77 . Kay and Kat are. Con. But then again. Cam. Ea EC) CS:c. Beka Rosselin-Metadi is from the Magewords series by [Debra] Doyle and [James D. the four female Children of the Lens from the Doc Smith book of that name.a similar one was Luna for a while . Chorus Our station's not the finest. from the Lensman series.

"I remember that one!" I told this to Janet and Zander. D Bm G A Now one Sidney Carter wrote songs of great renown D A Such as "Lord of the Dance". and many more. the rest we all forgot. the silly song beat them all. the one known as Fish Worked with others of the Dehorn Crew To record an album of great "Star Trek" songs. D A And most of the songs were anti-war. WHY THAT SONG? Copyright Valerie R. G Em "My Last Cigarette" still gets remembered. "Banned from Argo" is the only song that we recall. For "Argo'"s the song that gets remembered. G Em D D7 "My Last Cigarette" is the song we all recall. In the immortality stakes. in which he talked at length about the very worthy album he had done in 1965 (or thereabouts) with actress Sheila Hancock. Now a singer called Leslie. So Leslie wrote a very silly song And now wishes that she had not.I do believe you have stumbled upon one of the Great Truths of the Universe. Em G Em A In the immortality stakes. D A D D7 _tat choice still haunts them. G Em D Bm "My Last Cigarette" survives. G Bm E A And so at the eleventh hour D Bm G A They included an odd song about nicotine. even now. yes. the silly song beats them all. D Bm E A They thought that the album's mood needed some light. they found that they had Four extra minutes they'd forgot. As they timed their performances. and how "My Last Cigarette" was the only song anyone ever remembered from that record. and I thought. and Janet's reaction was exactly the same. D Bm G A And he worked with Sheila Hancock on their own cause c' élèbre. A noble (and Wobbly?) thing to do. Bastard Children of Argo page 78 . "Banned from Argo" still gets filked. the rest we all forgot. Housden 1991 Tune: "Blue Flame" Note: I was inspired to write this by reading an article in Folk/Roots magazine in 1991 about Sidney Carter.

Yes we've had Blue fur floating in my cornflakes And beep! beep! approaching as towards me he will run Blue paint running over all everything that I touch In the immortality stakes. the silly song beat them all. And so at the eleventh hour I included a song that I considered light. III The Banned from Argo parody that I sat down to write Had fucked-up rhyme and scansion. the silly song beat them all. I am banned from filking everywhere! Banned from filking -. And the filkers do not want me anymore. Bastard Children of Argo page 79 . But too many heavy songs can be rather dull. So I selected them with great care. In the immortality stakes. I threw out all those about fannish things and cats. "Blue Flame" is the only song that they recall. the rest they all forgot. And "Blue Flame'''s the song that gets remembered. (Or appropriate line from filk) (Or appropriate line from filk) (Or appropriate line from filk) Don't ask me for sympathy! z5L4 BANNED FROM FILKING Andrew Nisbet. My tape is a literary affair. On religious abuse of power.they all just give me the air! I wrote a jolly filksong.Now I was choosing songs to put on my tape. but on whole was quite all right! Six hundred forty verses long (but who is keeping score?). it just ran three days or four. But the filkers do not love me anymore! Oh. It's "Blue Flame" that gets filled.

Bound for Argo just to have a week of fun. Not only did they keep the beat. We'll sing until our voices are all gone. 'Cause sleep was not an item to be found on any list! CHORUS (Paul Kwinn) Our counselor's name was Leslie. all for pillaging. bologna is foolproof. And still we will not ever get to bed. We knew the food would be OK. the grass was even mowed. But little could we anticipate what stuff would hit the roof! Chorus: (Scott Snyder) And we're bound for Argo everyone. Someone spotted truffles in the hands of poor Mike Browne. If you want muskrat or 'possum. But when we read the contents. She issued us a forty-four and taught us how to shoot. The menu comes straight to us from the Olde Road Kill Cafe. they often brought down lunch. (Steve Macdonald with Brett Glass) The coffee served at Argo Camp they say is mighty fine. everybody shook their fists. and she weren't no raw recruit. our gear was tightly stowed. The counselors were clean and washed.THE WORLDFILK AFFAIR 1996 lyric by the Worldfilk and Flooded Email Box Hacker's Society born of a post-OVFF XI e-mail frenzy. but her methods were complex: Fifteen tracks of programs.I wish I'd really been at this one.:-{)} (Steve Macdonald) When we rolled into Argo Camp. CAMP ARGO . So the hungry hordes descended. each one weirder than the next. Especially when garnished with puppies dipped in brine. So our percussion section was the loudest of the bunch. or we drop dead. Leaving not a trace of chocolate or the Truffle King CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 80 . it was a frightful sound. CHORUS (Debbie Ohi) Suddenly we heard a cry. they'll get it fresh today! CHORUS (Mark Osier) Our con chair's tastes were simple.

wrists. but the wenches were the best.(Graham Leathers) Every song was open game to deadly parodies. 'This is war!' CHORUS (Paul Kwinn) The auction was a long one." But that's just begging for a verse about them. don't they know? CHORUS (Scott Snyder) We covered every subject . Led by Mike and Rennie and Urban Tapestry. Bob Kanefsky raised his pen and shouted.that this was just Day One! by Beckett Gladney Bastard Children of Argo page 81 .through caffeine haze -. and my little arm they twisted. Pretty soon subscribers were dropping out like flies. my computer's running slow. Including one in leather from her ankles to her. And we ended up arm wrestling to see who would sing next. We filled ourselves up to the gills with Fish and filk and fun. And now I'm owner of CD's I never knew existed.. They said. When we all had writer's cramp. They flaunted and they taunted. Then we realized -. "It's too much bandwidth.from Unicornes to Trek.. CHORUS (Steve Macdonald and Paul Kwinn) The mailing list that birthed this song stacked email to the sky. and we could write no more.

We had a jolly time with it for just three years or four. Finally. // "Banned From Argo. And to a filker's heart it was like water to a fish. No more of singing "Argo" or others of its ilk." it just wouldn't go away.ARGO EVERY DAY Copyright 2000 by Robert Rosenfeld When filk was young and songs were fun and easy to make rhyme. The song soon spread like wildfire to every single con. let's start planning the sequel/ Bastard Children of Argo ) -. We had a jolly time with it for just eight years or nine. It told about a starship crew on shore leave in a port That found itself amusement in every vice and sport. But sing it now. // But sing it now. // But we don't want to hear it any more. And sang it in the stairwells as we tried to get our sleep. We had a jolly time with it for just five years or six. We had a jolly time with it for just four years or five. At last we said. The wreckage that they left there won them banishment for good." it just wouldn't go away. page 82 . And hearing it amused us like "Star Trek" never could. We had a jolly time with it for just seven years or eight." it just wouldn't go away. // "Banned From Argo. And advertising jingles will keep it 'round for years. atonic and verbose. // "Banned From Argo." it just wouldn't go away. 'Til finally our ears had heard too much of a good thing. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. we'll make you scream and whine. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. We found a song that satisfied the spirit of our time. And we don't want to let it spoil a lovely night of ose. what the hell." it just wouldn't go away. We had a jolly time with it for just six years or seven. // "Banned From Argo. you'll meet an awful fate. // "Banned From Argo. Now we prefer more weighty songs. But sing it now. >4. Of all the songs that humankind has sung from Earth to Mars. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. A catchy tune and story that fulfilled our every wish. At open sings and concerts and in hallways it would ring. We had a jolly time with it for just nine years or ten. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. you won't leave here alive. // "Banned From Argo. "Enough of this! No more of it we'll sing!" But neofen kept calling it at every bardic ring. // But sing it now. And filkers would keep singing it from twilight until dawn. A horrid thought arises that sends shivers through our brains: What will happen if the song breaks out among mundanes? They'll play it on Top 40 'til it dribbles from our ears. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day." it just wouldn't go away. // "Banned From Argo. Someday our rocket scientists will send a probe to space That carries all the music made by our gifted race. Ayyyy-men! Ah. Guess which one the ETs pick to spread throughout the stars? We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. They'd keep it going 'round until we'd vomit or we'd weep." it just wouldn't go away. // But please don't ever sing that song again. we stamped it out at every open filk. we'll send you straight to Heaven. you'll only make us sick. We sang "Banned From Argo" every day. // But sing it now.

CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 83 .a bit too fond. The snooty Vulcans claim that we're not ready for the reason I should have all the fun!" With thanks to TV Guide and Entertainment Tonight for advance information on the upcoming series. He's famed for shooting six rounds from his pers'nal firearm. But we're all sure we're ready to explore the alien bars! (Joe Ellis) (Joe Ellis) Banned from Argo. (Keith Lim) The crew all flock to Phlox. CHORUS But that's a real Three Dolphin Club patch on his jumpsuit sleeve. just begun! Enterprise NX-0 ! Banned from Argo. We're three weeks out of Earthport.filk): "I'll leave this to the rest of the group to finish . (Terence Chua) CHORUS (Terence Chua) CHORUS (Keith Lim) CHORUS (Keith Lim) Our helmsman is a cargo brat. He knows that his promotion was. a shining blue-white ball. a Quantum Leap. a spacer to the core. He's fond of high explosives . Especially when we need directions to the nearest whore! Chief Engineer "Trip" Tucker is a cowboy full of charm. our alien doctor from afar. Those special pets he breeds are often borrowed with big smiles. and first made planetfall On a lovely little paradise. for him. we feel.Oh great 6hu. Our legacy is sure to ban the rest! Captain Jonny Archer makes the women want to weep. The fillies let him mount them--they bite down on his bit.V1. They're creatures who can love back when they're boinked by plushophiles. Young Travis claims he's won awards for Deep Six-Nine amour. But rest assured that he is bloody brilliant at his job. That's why his room is reinforced with pure titanium steel! Now as we meet new friends and races in the Milky Way. His medal from the Warp One Club's a bit hard to believe. Founding a tradition that will last two hundred years! (Joe Ellis) CHORUS (Terence Chua) Our XO is a Vulcan sent on board to supervise These upstart human spacers on the good ship and he may seem quite a snob. His wondrous sickbay's decked out like a fetish boudoir. here we go again/ BANNED FROM ARGO . We left Earth just three weeks ago. still we've tried to do our best. Hoshi's there to figure out just what these aliens say. but soon we'll test the tale CHORUS By spicing up her plomeek soup with 307 Ale! Commander Reed is British.. And some to ropes and branding irons willingly submit. It's said that she's emotionless.0 BETA Joe Ellis wrote (on rec. As such she's really useful when we finally get ashore. We know he'll bed a female of whatever race appears.

Nicole Wilson. The 'puter jammed old Oxford Bell. Now it is in full operation.. and has brought down the phone system for the entire town. beset by books and fees. We found administration folk are bible-thumping prudes! Chorus: And we're banned from Oxford just for spite. This must be for a vinting class. Come to think of it. you did ask for it. too. We thought we'd hold a revel there for just four years or five. But Oxford nearly burned us all alive. and Anonymous (in that order) [This song seems to refer to Miami University of Oxford.. The Campus Police were quite convinced her intentions were not good. Nostalgia / BANNED FROM OXFORD Kathie Davis. Also. Over the summer they "opened" it . and she did as they bade. "We'll have no orgies here". They said. The bell desk person eyed the keg and primly said.It's now called MUScares." The hall rep said "Like hell! It's an old concoction that we brew each week to keep us well!" CHORUS Our office of telecommunications gave us MUCares 3 And opened hailing frequencies to phone lines no longer there." see page 11. . and Ohio University is the school's biggest rival. dear. Banned from Oxford just for partying all night. — Mary Creaseyj When we first arrived at Tappan Hall. An RA' went out with some friends for a thump in Bishop Woods. Bastard Children of Argo page 84 . we're stuck without recourse. Here goes. in reference to the Kroger supermarket and convenience store chain 3 Well.. students are not allowed to have cars on campus. not just the school..Now here's one after my own heart: "Argo" as a protest song. I used to live in a dorm much like and there was even a Tappan Hall On campus. I got some of my first public singing practice on picket-lines there. We all assumed we'd be allowed to party as we please But when the men from the next hall came streaking in the nude. MUCares is Miami University's "call and register early" system.. Ohio — LGJ [Ws also to BFA by way of "Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter. They just set up a telegraph to register by Morse! CHORUS Resident Advisor 2 Grocery shopping.hen called back to them that she'd go somewhere to ply the oldest trade! CHORUS Our hall rep went out Krogering 2 and came back with some beer. "Oh. 1h.forgetting to hook up more than half of the computers.

. 1996 All are out of print except the last one. Turned to the latest telegraph and reserved the Miami Inn! CHORUS Our students are the finest and perhaps the most diverse. OCP-09. Firebird Arts & Music. In sixty-nine positions. Off Centaur Publications. We're on a jaunt to OU 3 . We're heading out from Oxford now. CS-74. 1989 Star Trek Comedy. all sung by Leslie Fish: Solar Sailors. They found a quiet setting where the sky was clear and dark. VE-02. 3. The noise woke all the townsfolk who. re-released on cassette by Firebird Arts & Music.. FAM-10084. cassette: studio anthology of Star Trek songs. OCP-85. 1982 Where No Man. See footnote #3 on the previous page. in fear of carnal sins. 1987 Border Patrol. 1977.Our Head Res gives her service to the students every day. LP: with the Dehorn Crew. cassette: Vince Emery Productions. 1990 Grandma Went Out With A Bang. cassette: live convention anthology (Bayfilk 1). cassette: live convention anthology (Conterpoint Too!). We sent her home and took the men out cruising - in their car3 ! CHORUS Some fiat guys held a party in an Oxford city park. Bandersnatchi Press DCA-02. (1990?): same track as on Solar Sailors Bayfilk Crazies. but plan to come again./ Kludge Audio. Conglomeration Inc. One night we found her with five men she'd picked up in a bar. Bastard Children of Argo page 85 . to pick up some REAL men! CHORUS DISCOGRAPHY by Mary Creasey "Banned From Argo" appeared on the following albums. cassette: studio anthology of Star Trek songs. Off Centaur Publications.. But problems often tempt the girl to try and slip away. FAM-10110. you'll find we are well versed.

ob. who he's with or where. His main concern seems where he can put "yon connecting rod. . forget Playboy and hunt up the X-rated Furry toles. The fanzines and the stories put our morals to the test. Chorus Once every seven years or so. but his tastes are rather odd. Chorus: And they're writing porno everyone Writing porno 'cause they say it is such fun.! s far better written than the mundane pro-variety. Chorus Bastard Children of Argo page 86 . so I have credentials r judging. Chorus Scotty is a simple man. He loves his ship. we have K&S only thing we haven't seen is Spock wearing a dress. According to the fanzines he loves everything he sees. but they're quite hard to believe. The mundane folks have S&M. It's "fascinating" just to see him do it then and there. But according to the fanzines. Lawrence at his best And as for really hot stuff.ley throw them both in bed for sex on any feeble whim. But you should see his warp drive when he uses it at night. Well. The ones we feel sorry for are those girls in love with Jim. his job. The way they misbehave you can't dispute." Kirk and Spock appall him in the stories that they write. a Vulcan comes in heat. He//. really. It seems the Enterprise is just a ship of ill-repute. s. Gayle Feyrer can write rings around D. his crew. Spock's in pon farr every week. It never seems to matter. Chorus Kirk stories are amazing.Yeah! Yeah/ Yeah/ As the author of Shelter. Poses and The Weigh. There never was a human who could do what he achieves. I've found that fan-written erat/c.efully confess to whole-hearted participation In fact. Oh yes. H. The libido of the bridge crew seems to never need a rest. I once did write mundane-pro-porn. In my book. WRITING PORNO Jan Kelson 01985 You've heard the tale of Argo-port and how they spent their leave. . he loves all three.. For that matter I'm still waiting for Don Simpson' Centaur Pillow Book to blow (/) everybody out of the water. But what goes on when they pull out is amazing to believe.

He orders all the Spanish Fly. there's none. and if he leaves. filking fans. Chorus This started out as just two lines. NOT-AGAIN-0 You SUNG ONE MORE .McCoy's a Southern gentleman. NOT-AGAIN. Chorus The stories could go on and on. you'd see the crew's dismay. gonna do one myself! (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) ARRR-GO. He seldom gets to play. no more Ar-go. cut out de ARGO! (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) Hey there. woukija believe. (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) Hey there. and on and on and on. cut out de ARGO! (Sing one more and Pin gonna go home) Six foot. (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) Ar-go. (Sing one more and I'm gonna go home) So many filks. and so I prefer the 'zines. this song would last till dawn. no more Ar-go. eight foot shelf. NOT-AGAIN. But if he ever left the ship. John/ Print fast!! LAST WORD Leslie Fish and John Creasey to the tune of "Banana Boat Song" Ar-go. For though he seldom gropes on groups. The stories that I've read are worse than some porn flicks I've seen. And if I tried to filk them all. Then it grew Print fast. seven foot. or even one on one. But I was born a pervert.NOW I'M GONNA GO HOME! Bastard Children of Argo page 87 . filking fans.

but his methods were complex. 1977. Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear. And hauled into an alley. this Frankensteinian epic didn't even start off innocent BANNED FROM ARGO words and music Copyright Leslie Fish. original chording was in the key of C. cool First Officer was drugged with something green. se Navigator didn't win. & R. Chorus: And we're banned from Argo. CHORUS Bastard Children of Argo page 88 . Inc. We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four. We found him with five partners. We found him in the city jail. "Banned From Argo" was originally released in 1977 on Solar Sailors. each of a different world and sex. Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr". The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot. locked on and beamed him freetact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD. where he suffered things obscene. The crew set out investigating every joint and bar. This song was later printed in The Westerfilk Collection. [We're] banned from Argo just for having a little fun. his private life is quiet. We had high expectations of their hospitality. He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew. CHORUS Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet By getting into the planet's main communications net. But Argo doesn't want us anymore. but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen. The flesh is there. And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall. CHORUS Our proper. The Captain's tastes were simple. Copyright assigned to Random Factors. But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we. Copyright 1980 by Jordin Kare When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R.Here it is.. And a painful way of walking — with her feet a yard apart. CHORUS Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew. She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart. CHORUS ---- Our Doctor loves Humanity.• the original atrocity As you can see. The Shore Police were on the way — we had no second chance. a production of The Bandersnatchi Press. CHORUS The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar. We beamed him up in the nick of time — and the remnants of his pants. but he outdrank almost all. He sobered up in Sickbay and he's none the worse for wear. Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen. everyone.

and nobody seemed to care.) That is what you see as "original version".6.Our Helmsman loves exotic plants.after I listened to every published version 1 had. consistency??) The original verse tune is credited as the tune of "Boston Burglar". "But that's not how it was in Wester/Ilk 1!" There's a reason for that: the song had been filk-processed in several different directions. that is also the version in both editions of Westerfilk I (originally published in 1980 by Jordin Kare. We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss. by Mary Creasey The first thing the music-readers in the community are going to say is. was in the key of C. I didn't include the various harmony-lines and descants used in the community or on recordings. I took another look at it -. Half our crew was busy. and still is. and our record is our pride.c53 6' a 0 A Few Notes About "Banned From Argo" Itself. I thought to use the ur-text. both in tune and lyrics.. CHORUS Our crew is Starfleet's finest. (There was no sheet music for it in Leslie's songbook. Leslie used "pirates" on the original recording and on the live version on OCP's Bayfilk Crazies (recorded at Bayfilk 1 in 1982). the plants all love him too. And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide. 'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife! CHORUS A gang of pirates [Klingons] landed. some several times. and we wondered what they'd do. At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us! CHORUS 6 6 0 a a 6 68 670 C33 ) -6 " -0' . the lyrics as printed here are taken directly from an old piece of typescript I found in Leslie's songbook which I believe to be the original. so popular: it not only has a very catchy tune.. the resemblances by now are probably faint. All subsequent recorded versions used "Klingons". whaddya expect from an Anarchist folkie. That is probably also the source for singing "Klingons" instead of "pirates" in verse 9. Uh-huh. But the pirates only looked at us." " Ts 6 " 6" s 0 p 0 . 60' Csj 6-0' 6. even before the assorted parodies began to appear. it's FUN! Sing it that way: add n-part harmonies. I remembered one of the reasons why BFA was.a direct transcription from the original 1977 Bandersnatchi Press Solar Sailors recording with the Dehorn Crew (which. (Hey.and went to find all the recorded versions I had (and 1 do have them all). They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there. as it were -. Co a. Where No Man.. But after I printed it. knowing Leslie. and turned and ran away. :0 15::c. an old folksong. and how she massages tunes to fit her artistic sense. Leslie filk-processed herself too. as did the crowd singing along. and that also comes far nearer to the version usually sung these days (by Leslie or by other filkers). second edition published in 1996 by Wail Songs). Your filkish mileage may (and will!) vary.0 a cair_o 6. There are a number of melody differences in the lead line. 6. The second tune version is the version as sung on the 1987 Off Centaur Publications Star Trek album. not G as WF1 had it). and invited them to play. by the way. including that of the WF transcriber.0 0 j 6 a 66 T 3 620 6"ja. He took some down on leave with him. huh?) page 89 Bastard Children of Argo . 2 I. Because -... For this book. these are meant to be basic texts. change the key if you need to (even during the song!).0. write more parodies--but have fun! (Just don't sing it to Leslie.

go does . We had high ex .ta . assigned to Random Factors .ga .one.was-n't geared for spa. the F C G7 C crew set out in . We spent a jol .ting ev .ery .lions of their F C F C G7 C hos . just for G 3 G7 C Am aro• „ • - IP • IP -0- -4 • hay .Banned From Argo (original version) Leslie Fish 4rt =20 C F C When we pulled in .ny more. ••• But found too late it . 1977 Leslie Fish.ti .ty. But 15 G7 C 4J Ar .i .tle fun.ves .cers-such as we.pee .to Ar .ing a lit.go Port in need of R.n't want us a .tal . 12 Banned from Ar .go.go ev .ly shore leave there. & R..pi . for just three days or four.'ry joint and bar. And we're -do F C F banned from Ar .

assigned to Random Factors .ny a lit.pec to . Leslie Fish F C When F C we pulled in . Ar go does 1977 Leslie Fish. G7 G Banned from Ar . the AP.ty.tions of their G7 -41P- 40- hos .tle fun.go Port in G7 a need C of it & R.Banned From Argo (1987 version) = 1.ery one.ting ev . And we're C F 12 C 3 banned from Ar .yes .ly shore leave there..tal i .ti . F But found too late it was-n't geared for spa .to Ar .go ev . But G7 C 15 a • n't • want us a . We spent a jol .ery joint and bar.go just for Am hav .- crew set out in .ga .pi . for just three days or four.20 C 40 . F C F C We had high ex .-411.cers such as we.

John Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) Last Word A Planet Band from Argo Culpin. Karen et at Banned from Egils Buhler.Ashjornsen. Linnet: see Barbara Gordon Argo Revisited Larry D. Terence Banned from Argo . et at Bell. Judy The Fithp Invasion Song Creasey. Diana.the Worldfilk Affair Glass. Dave Benefiche. Leslie Last Word Banned from Argo: The Next Generation Fox-Davis. Michael Why That Song? Housden.V1. R.. Charles et at ass. 1. Chris et at Joseph of Locksley: see Joe Bethancourt Ironhawk.0 Beta Craft. Bob & Brenda Davis. Banned from Catalina Isle Hugill. J'nae et at Banned from Catalina Isle Charementaro. Jim & Susan Camp Argo . Kathie Banned from Oxford Dominey. Rafe et at Banned from Argo — The Next Generation Daverin. Lee Banned from Seagirt Gordon. Valerie R. Phil et at _–. Charlotte: see Charlotte (Jerscheid) Marek Justin du Coeur: see Mark Waks Early One Morning Kabakjian. Barbara Banned from Egypt Grumer. J-Mag et al Ban "Banned" Hodge.ney.. Carol Argo's Fire-Breathing Daughter Kanefsky. Harold et at Banned from Argo Still Filkers of TT IV Banned from Argo Fish. David Banned from Armor Banned from ACME Hoperoft. Avram Banned from Argo (Short Version) Guthrie.V1. Jim et at Banned from Egils Chua. Brett et at Eye of Argon: the filksong Gold.. Joe Band from Argo BFA:TNG Band from Argo Banned from Argo (Mirror Universe) Then We Scanned Key Largo Just for Puns Argo: The Return Banned from Estrella Talking Banned from Argo Blackeagle. Jeremy Argo Calypso: Part One Burton West. Jan Writing Porno Kestrel.0 Beta . Bernstein. Bob They're Singing "Banned from Argo" Leslie Fish's Melody Kelson. Lord Mikal: see Bruce Webb Jerscheid. Dick Song of the Fydraca's Crew BFA:TNG Feld. Mark Bethancourt. Roger et at Ladies' Night on Argo Campbell. Harry & Mara Banned from Filkdom Brynna of Aelfstanbury see Barbara Bowen Buffum. Barbara Banned from Pennsic Brener. Dawn et at Banned from Egils Band from Argo Ellis.Alphabetical Index of Songs by Author Al!cock. III Deep Space Argo 18 14 18 35 65 7 36 68 69 40 62 33 8 75 32 33 83 56 35 87 62 18 22 84 33 16 23 83 66 14 26 88 87 24 80 54 44 34 28 20 9 19 78 32 53 11 70 15 86 12 51 Bastard Children of Argo page 92 . Kihe Anti-Argo Bowen. Joe Banned from Argo: Show-Stopper #1 Banned from Argo .

Jeanne The "Bound for Argo" Suite Willett. Nick Banned from Catalina Isle Whistler. Harry Banned from Argo Again Snyder. Carol The U. Beth Banned from Filking Nisbet. Claire et at BFA:TNG Scans to Argo Where No Fish Has Gone Before Banned from ConChord Mailander.0 Beta Long.the Worldfilk Affair Voyage beyond All Belief McGath.the Worldfilk Affair Ohi. Larry D. Neo Kwinn. Jane et at Malcolmson. Mark V.the Worldfilk Affair Osier. Graham et al Camp Argo . Robert The Banned from Argo's Ghost Scorpia The Chase Banned from Argo (Short Version) Shapero. Scott "Cosmo" Camp Argo . Klaus: see Nick Welch Bound for Pennsic Waks. Paul et at Camp Argo . Keith Banned from Argo . Quentin Absolutely the Last Remake of "Fuel to Feed the Drive" Macdonald.V1. Mitchell Canned by Argo Tired of Argo Mason. Camp Argo . David Banned from Seagirt Welch. Paul Banned from Oxford Wilson. Kay Move Over. Mark et at Scans to Argo Argo to "Sloop John B. M. Dean et al Von Winierbach. Andrew Medea's Curse O'Brien. Bruce Bored with Argo Weingart." Pepper. Keith Banned from Argo . Mark Banned from Pennsic Webb. Dr. Nicole Banned from Argo.the Worldfilk Affair Leathers. Frankenstein Banned from Filking Shuch. Debbie et al Camp Argo . and Us Piziks. Steven Like a Tribble to the Slaughter Polowin. Dr. W. H. Paul Filk "Banned from Argo" Smothers. Major Malt: see M Mitche 11 Marmel Anti-Argo Moursund. Rennie Banned from Argyle Banned from Catalina Isle Liebmann. Banned from Hiltons Rogow. Scott Tired of Argo Filking Argo Marek.the Worldfilk Affair Banned from ConChord Thomas. Charlotte (Jerscheid) Griefsleeves Sick of Argo Marmel.Ghost Filkers Que Neo. Roberta A Use for Argo Argo Every Day Rosenfeld.the Worldfilk Affair Levine. Michael et al Lim.New Verse Kirby. III 49 63 80 80 29 32 83 6 80 31 42 46 14 74 76 30 71 58 27 42 52 71 20 79 60 80 80 64 10 56 72 59 63 75 43 38 73 82 28 50 28 61 37 55 57 80 30 47 39 17 44 32 48 84 21 60 Bastard Children of Argo page 93 . Steve et al Camp Argo . Maureen S. the Next Generation Wood. Mike et at Banned from Sturgis Ridenour..S. Gary Banned from Russia Banned to Egypt Maier. The Fithp Invasion Song Philips. Joel Voyager Ladies' Night on Argo Richards.


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