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The following piece of writing is an unedited reflection. The purpose for publication is honesty and also for catharsis, to release guilt associated with cannabis-use. For background purposes, i am 23, my son is 9 months old, i just moved to bethesda maryland from san francisco to be with my parents and enjoy a stress free experience. We’re living in hotels while indefinitely waiting for [our] new house to be completed. We have been on the road living in hotels for 6 months now, traveling and living out of suitcases while keeping stuff in storage. Before the journey you’re about to read, I hadn’t smoked pot in 5 months and i used what was left from when i lived in san francisco and had a medical prescription. The prescription was for back pain and anxiety, but perhaps by reading this it will be further illuminated why i occasionally choose to return to this altered perspective. A little bit of historical context: this piece is written the day after the FDA approved the first ever outpatient marijuana study. The study will be conducted by MAPS, and will explore the effects of pot on PTSD for veterans. Personally, cannabis helped me breakthrough ptsd/depression/anxiety almost five years ago, so this official research is inspiring and hopeful.
“I’m going to smok!” "e decides, as "e walks away from $ %ora& unit where "e 'scretely unpacked her %a". She had prom(ed herself "e w)ldn’t light up until a*er $ garden was establ(hed, but new
circum%ances pu"ed +at into $ all too '%ant
futur! She -ent two days raking 4 years wo.h of
leaves, and was 'sc)ra&d from chronically craving a
home -ac! She set up her picnic blanket, laid )t toys
for her li/le baby boy, and packed a pipe and +en put it do0 for a moment to prevent herself from smoking
impulsively. She jud&d herself b1eﬂy, trying on $ label “desperate,” to see if it resonated on any emotional level.
Nope, only mental cha/er. “I don’t even remember what it feels like to be high anymor! It w)ld be a refreshing
new per-ectiv!” She waited until her fa+er was )t of
sight, cr)ched behind a berry bu" for good measure while laughing at herself for being paranoid and desperate, and took one good puﬀ. She c)ghed. It ta%ed awful.
Burned, Charred, $ gross ta%e of butane le* her
wanting a hemp %1ng or a match for be/er ta%! She
looked over to her li/le boy who was ha4ily enga&d in activity. A good omen. 5e sun was "ining. Also a good omen.
want to rake like "e had told her papa was $ reason
She walked back to him, realizing "e 'dn’t really
for coming to $ h)se wi+ him. She wanted to hang )t at her new home, %ill under con%ruction. She looked at
+e home, realizing how much Time "e w)ld be -en'ng
in +( forest garden in $ next few years. “It’s so hu&!” "e marveled at $ h)s! It sat on a hill to prevent
ﬂoo'ng, and loomed over $ neighbors a li/le bit. She
noted how it felt to be confronted by such a weal+y, hu& hom! She had gro0 up res(ting her p1vile& and here
it was confronting her. She rephrased, reprogramming her
automatic association wi+ p1vile&: “its a palace!” "e realized, $ anxiety and res(tance being replaced wi+ gratitude and in-iration. She was $ p1ncess "e
subconsci)sly w(hed "e c)ld b! She looked at her
li/le boy, 9 mon+s old, and %ill free of $ index of
programmed symbols... Langua&. He ( %ill operating
on a purely emotional level, +)ghts and ideas ex(ting in pictures but not yet reduced to symbols.
In +at moment "e was seeing him free of her o0
She fell in love wi+ him again, deeper once mor!
backgr)nd +)ght and feeling, wi+)t pa% or future,
hopes or wor1es. She was free for a moment, enlightened,
Sato1, in a non-symbolic %at! 5anks, enlightened boy. May y) %ay +( way.
some+ing +at s)nded similar to $ quick pa. of “its +e end of $ world as we know it” But it was a
A car 8ove by wi+ familiar teena& music playing
'ﬀerent song. “No+ing chan&s!” Y)ng adults, Old chil8en remain. Old folks are %ill y)ng folks, but
+ey’re now old folks, too. Time chan&s no+ing, except +at "e can now relate to 2 year olds as well as 20 year olds as well as 40 year olds.
doing, and he walked towards +em. She got self-
Her fa+er was ﬁn(hed wi+ what he had been
consci)s, but cancelled her +)ght and embraced what
was to come, accepting $ moment as (. She looked at him purely. Her papa, so excited, so in-ired, always
learning, always soaking it all in. “ A pa+ in front of
+e Leyland Cypress,” he muses and imagines, +en walks along $ imaginary pa+ and pa.s an imagined cu.ain. She laughs whole-hea.edly ﬁnally allowing him to be funny, and "e loves him wi+)t w(hing he was more
5( and more 5at. She imagines $ interactions $ next few years will be&t as $ li/le boy grows older and $ grandfa+er unfolds.
+e plant next to us ( po(on ivy. He muses +at he w)ld want an a4lication on h( iPad wi+ which a picture
Her fa+er comes to $ blanket, and i ask him if
identiﬁes plants. 5ere are ﬁeld guides like +at, why not electronics? Limitless in-iration, "e +inks, and a4reciates him for $ ﬁr% time in a whil! He
identiﬁes some po(on oak and takes her raking gloves and pulls +em up. (We later 'scover +at it was Virginia
Creeper and not po(on oak...) Rain begins to teas!
She begins to pack up $ blanket, but "e does +( at a
pace +at includes her li/le boy. 5ey are in tun! She
( packing up at a pace +at ( under%andable to him. She talks to him on h( frequency and when he notices $
8oplets, “Rain!” "e squeeks, as "e packs him up, too.
He’s enga&d. 5ey go to $ car. She %ands him up in +e trunk of $ Beamer %ation wagon. He ( "ielded
from $ 8oplets, and $ hatchback serves as a railing
in a makeshi* playpen. She ( handsfree yet eye level wi+ him for $ ﬁr% tim!... ever! He looks like an
adve.(ement. She ( admi1ng h( beauty, and begins
unwin'ng her body, %retching, cracking, ben'ng, ﬂexing, and freeing it all up.
broader, more desc1ptive terms for ‘god’ such as
“5ank God for ganja.” She +inks, and adds some
Goodness, Nature, plants, all +at ( available to us... She notes how when "e greets ganja occasionally, $ tension builds up in $ meantime, and +en +ere ( a
great releas! It ( like -1ng a*er a long winter. It ( like a ba+ a*er a muddy adventur! She cracks her
-ine, massa&s her back and neck, and releases emotional blocks +at created an ob%ruction in $ ﬂow of Qi. She wants so much to hold onto +( feeling, +(
in-iration, but knows +at it ( ﬂeeting. She believes +at it ( possible to reach +( non-symbolic, in-ired
%ate wi+)t cannab(, and "e ( %1ving for it, but "e
( %ruggling. 5e act of %ruggling creates res(tance and so, ironically, it prevents her from $ very +ing "e ( a/empting. Le/ing go will be $ key +at opens $
gates, and "e knows +at. But "e can’t help but Want Permanent Sato1 So Bad.
to&+er, and "e wonders where it will go from +er!
In $ meantime, palaces are everywhere, and so close
Su%ainability? She sings her “life ( a self-regulating machine” mantra, and imagines all $ 8eams +at
w)ld come true if "e c)ld ju% free up her s)l. It
c)ld ha4en here in Be+esda. In +( sato1 %ate, "e knows +ese +ings will come tru! She knows it so
%rongly, from her gut, but +en later on "e comes do0 from $ botanically induced high, "e &ts 'sc)ra&d again.
enlightenment, 8eaming big 8eams, and inevitably $
Cannab( leaves her wanting... wanting
come-do0 from $ 8eam to $ old-program “reality”
binds her to her ineﬀective ways, her c1tical inner-voice,
her %o1es, her self-improvement, her 'sciplines, her practices, etc.
+ere, inﬁnitely, and in her high, non-symbolic %ate, "e ( aware of $ o4o.unity and how easily +ey can be transformed into reality. And "e under%ands +at
All $ o4o.unities to manifest her derams are
cannab( runs on borrowed energy, and $ resulting cra"
nulliﬁes all her high-time 8eaming eﬀo.s. If "e c)ld ju% a/ain +( in-ired, non-symbolic %ate wi+)t
cannab(, her 8eams will come true imme'ately because
+ere will be no come do0. 5e 8eam ( su%ained and +e action will naturally progress.
does "e achieve +(? More me'tation?
5( ( where her musing typically goes limp. How Some+ing
absolutely new and welcome w)ld be to ﬁnd a co-
creative pa.ner like $ character Michael Walker from $ book “5e f).h awakening”, one who
accelerates her awakening by proxy. She’s not sure if "e w)ld be able to handle awakening if it hit her so
suddenly. But if it were too much, "e w)ld wi+8aw in fear and overwhelm, and $ beautifully self-regulating process of enlightenment w)ld back oﬀ a li/le bit to
allow her to catch her brea+. So yes, "e w)ld love to pa.ner wi+ a Man who accelerates her awakening
process. It ")ld be a man ar)nd her a&, who also
adores her, and beneﬁts from her equally. 5( ( to
avoid power 'screpancies and social taboos regar'ng a&. She ju% doesn’t want to deal wi+ +at a +ird tim!
and humid. She opens $ window. He whines and
When )r +ree characters return into $ car, its hot
complains of $ heat, and goes to $ open window wi+ some ass(tance from her. She’s not doing every+ing for
him, but ( acting as an old man’s walker. He %icks h( head )t $ window and "e follows suit. Its beautiful
)tsid! 5e rain made $ grass gl(ten and $ air ( fresh. 5e sun ( "ining and its ra'antly green and $ h)ses on $ %reet are b1ght red b1ck wi+ ivy climbing up $ side in a co/a&-like manner. She under%ands
why $ li/le man doesn’t want to be %ra4ed do0 on h( back in a child seat, facing backwards unable to
mov! As $ car picks up -eed, $ wind overwhelms
him. He comes closer to her, +en explores a 'ﬀerent area of $ car. All $ while "e ( ass(ting him and
keeping him saf! 5e motion of $ car creates a
&ntle res(tance again% which he moves, challenging him
and buil'ng h( muscle and dexte1ty. He ﬁnds a qua.er and places it in h( m)+. Her impulse ( to take it )t of h( m)+ because its '.y, but in%ead, "e takes a
qua.er in her m)+ and begins to copy him. He watches her like a mirror as he leads, pu/ing $ coin h( m)+, ﬂi4ing it wi+ h( tongue, and +en taking it )t, +en
repeating $ ﬂow. She ( impressed and unable to copy
him. 5ey bo+ take $ coin )t of +eir m)+ at $ same time when it begins to ta%e bad.
to take a ba+. Her skin ( %icky from $ humi'ty and "e feels ready for a deep cleansing. Her fa+er goes to +e front desk for an errand, and "e goes wi+ Li/le
When +ey ar1ve back at $ hotel, "e cannot wait
One to +eir room on $ six+ ﬂoor. In $ room +ey are alone, and "e ( itching for a ba+. She sets him do0 at $ entrance, and goes ar)nd $ room
collecting Eucalyptus oil, coconut oil, turns on a light, closes $ blind, and heads towards $ ba+room. He
crawls a*er her into $ ba+room, "e %a.s $ ba+,
&ts naked, all $ while aware +at he knows what ( ha4ening and what ( ab)t to ha4en. Its a nice pace for bo+ of +em, and "e likes +( under%an'ng +ey hav! He crawls to $ tub, and li*s himself up to watch $ tub ﬁll.
blends to&+er like two lovers embracing a*er a long separation. 5e bond between mo+er and child (
Bo+ naked, him lying on top of her, +eir Chi
intimat! Intimacy has had its tr)bles in her life, but
it ( being mended now: 5ere may have been an increase in pedophilic feelings in $ &neral society in $ la%
decades. Perhaps its a dark side of $ changing times, whereby older people are relating to and in-ired by
y)n&r peopl! She prom(es her son +at "e will be
intimate wi+ him wi+)t reserve, while simultane)sly respecting h( autonomy, -ace, and innocenc! Its a
'ﬃcult place to go wi+ her +)ghts, but res(tance to it will not clear $ (sues in $ t(sues. She wants very
much to be free of intimacy (sues. Every &neration reacts again%, and moves +r)gh a bar1er to innocent
intimacy... or +ey create ano+er bar1er for $ next
&neration. 5e sexual repression of )r forefa+ers, or +e lack of respectful b)nda1es, becomes consci)s
+r)gh observation and interaction, and ( res(ted,
transformed, and +us $ human body becomes lighter, wi+ less bagga& weighing her do0.
5 h)rs a*er her one puﬀ, "e +inks back on $
expe1enc! Wo.h it? Yes. Do it again? Yes, but
maybe not for a whil! Its ti1ng to be so in-ired. One mu% ﬁr% build up $ energy and %amina to be in-ired, and +en commenc! 5e in-ired activation ( such a
temptation, and its ce.ainly good to remember it ex(ts, but energy and %amina are $ f)ndation upon which
in-iration and activation can tower, because o+erw(e it crumbles and cra"es in a come-do0 po% exhau%ion.
5e Universe ( limitless. How much can "e handle? And how fa%?
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