WIVES AND HUSBANDS (8): DEVASTATING DISRESPECT

(Ephesians 5:22-33)

One woman attended her 40th high school reunion where a friend asked how
she was getting on. “Everything’s great. I've lived a well-planned life. My
first husband was a millionaire, my second was an actor, my third husband
was a minster, and now I'm married to a funeral director.” "Why is that a
well-planned life?" asked the friend, to which the first woman replied:
"Well, it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and
four to go!" Well planned! Expectations met – and it only took four
guys!! So, wives -- how many guys would it take to gain your respect and
meet the expectations you are unwittingly imposing on your husband? How
to respect a less than perfect husband is our subject for the next couple of
weeks.

We’ve been concentrated on the threefold role of wives in marriage – to

submit, to complement (complete), and today to respect. We find the
command in verse 33. It’s so buried in Paul’s conclusion that it is often –
very often overlooked. And yet, I think it is No. 1 on the hit parade of
things that a wife can do to contribute to a successful marriage – and to
heal a difficult marriage. Look at it, “However, let each one of you love his
wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Most wives don’t get this. Respect is a man’s lifeblood. Men thrive on
respect. This is a must for a happy marriage. Decision Analysts, Inc. did a
national survey on male-female relationships a few years ago. One question
read, “Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day
issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife, I am more likely to be
feeling: (a) that my wife doesn’t respect me right now, (b) that my
wife/significant other doesn’t love me right now.” 81.5 percent chose “(a)
that my wife . . . doesn’t respect me right now.” Wives, listen now -- your
husband literally needs your respect more than your love.

This concept in Paul’s summary adds invaluable insight to marriage

relations. “Respect” is the mildest possible translation of the Greek word
used here. It is found 95 times in the NT and is translated “fear” or
“afraid” 93 of those time. The other time, in Matt 27:54, it is translated
“filled with awe.” Want to see change in your marriage? Be filled with awe
at him – like when you were dating – and see what happens!

1
God is here asking wives to respect their husbands – whether deserved or
not. Demeaning one’s husband is devastating to him and disobedient to
God. Deserved or not, respect is the command. All is lost if you make it
conditional. Now, this sermon will be intensely practical – and – it can
change your marriage. By giving reverence you will inspire reverence. By
giving respect, you will inspire respect. So, we are going to look at some
Do’s and Don’t’s of respect. Today the Don’t’s – next week the Do’s.

I. The Don’t’s of Respect

A. Don’t act independently

A submissive wife voluntarily refrains from independent action. She

understands that as her husband is her head, so he also has a head, Christ, to
whom he must ultimately answer. Fairness dictates that he should have
input to that for which he will ultimately answer. Now in a good marriage,
delegation is prominent. Husband and wife will often agree that the wife
has discretion in certain areas where she is more involved or more adept
than her husband. She can and should have broad discretion in these
previously agreed areas. But to carry that same privilege beyond such
delegated responsibilities is to undermine the unity and oneness of the
relationship. It is like the surprised computer user who was working away
one day only to see a computer-generated message on the screen: “Go
home. I can finish this without you.” That is the message a wife sends
when she acts unilaterally on issues that concern the whole family.

Independent action says to the husband, “I value my independence over

our oneness.” It disavows the new entity that is the marriage! At times, it
may be a purposeful message. Other times it may be inadvertent, but either
way the lack of respect is in violation of the Lord’s command. A godly wife
must choose which she values most – her independence or her marriage.

B. Don’t Criticize

Don’t criticize. Now ladies – this is tough. It’s tough because we deserve
criticism so often. Men see life differently than women. Standards differ
depending by background and temperament. Women are particularly
sensitive to their home and security. And so, trash not taken out, clothes
strewn around, mud tracked in, dishes broken, wet towels left on the floor,
toothpaste squeezed in the middle, boorish behavior in public, failure to
2
advance at work, being satisfied with an inferior job, leaks not fixed, dishes
misplaced – these and thousands more become major battle grounds.
Major battle grounds upon which marriages crumble and fail. Is it worth
it? Not condoning, but really – is it worth breaking up a marriage?

Now – the Lord will have plenty to say to the men, but today – what does
He say to wives? Respect means – cut the criticism. Typically it only
makes matters worse. And, on occasion, you will be wrong. Here is God’s
Word: Prov 19:13, “A wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.”
That is not meant as a compliment. Prov 21:9, “It is better to live in a
corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
More than one husband has found that to be true in practice. Prov 27:15,
“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike” In
other words, constant criticism and complaints – even when deserved – are
like Chinese water torture. Simply dripping water on the forehead can
induce insanity. The terrible predictability of it and inability to turn if off
can break a person, and God equates that to a quarrelsome, critical wife.
Even if you are right, the critical nature is wrong. This is something that is
not easy to change. We have to seek healing at the cross where we meet a
Savior who was willing to give His very life for us, though He was perfectly
right and we were perfectly wrong.

Most people who are highly critical are largely oblivious. They just want to
fix something or someone. But by God’s very repetition on the subject He
is advising – cut it out. STOP IT! Better suffer the inconvenience than
the consequences of nagging. Does this mean that wrong behavior can
never be called out? Of course not. But it must be done thoughtfully,
carefully and respectfully; at rare intervals and under God’s control. It is
very easy to be right in substance and wrong in attitude and approach.
When your goal is to fix someone, respect is inevitably lost! Major on the
plusses of original attraction rather than the irritants of recent life.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his excellent book Love and Respect tells how his
wife, Sarah, was talking to a wife at a marriage conferences about her
verbal venom toward her husband. The wife was full of disdain for him,
which she knew was not wise. But her husband made her so angry. He
didn’t clean up the kitchen right, he didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher
correctly, and he didn’t pick up after himself, so she had turned sour and
negative. The wife heard what Sarah was trying to say – she got it
intellectually -- but could not dispel her anger and hurt. She blew at every
3
violation of hre standards. Then Sarah asked this question which changed
everything. Here is the question. She asked, “What if your son grew up
and married someone like you?” [repeat] The woman stopped in
midstream – stunned! For the first time, she saw it and felt it! She would
never want any woman to treat her son the way she was treating her
husband. She realized that such interaction would crush him, and he would
shut down in defeat. What really happened was that she saw herself for a
change rather than her husband – and she had a new incentive to change.
Respect means cutting the criticism.

C. Don’t Belittle – even a little

Ladies. Imagine you sent your picture to a lonely hearts club and then got
back a reply that said, “We’re not that lonely.” How would you feel if that
happened? See – that is something like how a husband feels when his wife
makes some belittling comment. I heard of one wife who was reading her
husband’s fortune card from a scale: “You are a leader with magnetic
personality and strong character. You are intelligent, witty and attractive
to the opposite sex.” She paused for a moment before she said, “It has
your weight wrong, too!” I tell you, it was a devastated man who heard
that.

Please understand it doesn’t take much – even when meant in jest. Male
egos are fragile. Jokes about a husband’s inability to fix the electrical short
or keep the car running or make good investments or get a promotion or
start a business or lead in devotions or look like Tom Selleck are
emasculating to a man. You say, “That’s an exaggeration.” May I assure
you, It is not. Best case a man feels a little less like a man every time it
happens; worst case he sets out, probably unconsciously, to prove it true.
You can create your own worst nightmare. We all tend to live up to
expectations. Belittle a man often enough and soon everything you think is
true will be – and more. On the other hand, you encouragement and praise,
while it will not create electrical skills where non exist, will nevertheless
raise him to the highest level of every ability he does have, and some he
doesn’t. You have awesome power in your hands as a wife. Absolutely
awesome!

I wish I could get it across to every wife just how critically important it is
that you never belittle your man – deserved or not. Don’t forget – you
chose him. You are one with him, in the eyes of God and of society. You
4
cannot belittle him without belittling yourself. Why would you do that?
Respect means, don’t belittle, not even a little. Emerson Eggerichs tells of
one wife whose husband had been unfaithful to her many times. Her world
fell apart. How could this person she loved so much hurt her like this?
They went to counseling. For 20 months she poured out her heart, as well
as her anger. The counseling transformed her husband into a loving, godly
man, set free and walking in God’s truth. But the wife continued to be full
of anger and hate – emotionally devastated.

Then one day through a friend introduced her to God’s command to respect
her husband. Her first thought was, Oh, here we go again; it’s all about the
man . My husband deserves no respect. But as she continued to study, a
light came on, “Suddenly my eyes were opened and a freedom came into
my heart. I didn’t have to respect him based on his behavior but on who
he is as a man made in the image of God. I had never heard of that
before!” I would take it one step further. One can respect the position of
husband – ordained by God, even if a man has failed spectacularly. Respect
the entity that is the two of you. You might even find him starting to live
up to your revised estimates. Don’t belittle, even a little.

D. Don’t manipulate

Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “37) Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’;
anything more than this comes from evil.” He was urging a straightforward
existence and there is no relationship on earth where that is more important
than in marriage. Interestingly enough, Jesus’ half brother James used
almost the same language when he wrote in James 5:12, “12) But above all,
my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other
oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall
under condemnation.” Be believable. Don’t manipulate.

Let’s admit it – we all manipulate. But it is a particularly feminine weapon,

in part because women are not physically strong or imposing. Men
dominate by virtue of their greater physical presence; women must resort to
guile. Men? Clueless. Even the most brilliant get taken in. Let me tell you
a true story about Mark Twain. On one occasion he was told that a
suspicious character had been seen entering and leaving his home in his
absence. Upon investigation, he discovered there had been a male caller
upon the young maid who had been left in charge of the home. When
confronted, she confessed that she had been seeing this young man and,
5
with tears in her eyes, confessed that she was in a family way. Mark Twain
discussed this problem with his pastor friend Joe Twichell and they decided
upon a course of virtue.

Joe Twichell and a policeman were secreted in a closet just off Mark
Twain’s room. The young man and woman were brought in. Twain told the
young man he had to marry the young woman and save her from shame. It
took some doing, but finally the young man agreed that on some occasion,
someday, he would marry the young woman. Whereupon Joe Twichell and
the policeman came out of the closet and Presto! Instant wedding! Twain
gave both the maid and her new husband $100 and dismissed her. About a
year later he ran into the young woman on the street and inquired as to the
health and well-being of their child, only to learn there was no child. The
young man, Mark Twain, and Joseph Twichell had all been fooled by the
young woman. Manipulated!

Okay – so the young woman got a husband, but she hardly showed respect
in the process, did she? The consequences cannot have been positive.
Beloved – manipulation may work like a charm on “I Love Lucy” – but
God does not honor it. Remember how in Genesis 27 Rebekah overheard
her husband Isaac ask his oldest son, Esau, to kill some game and bring him
food after which Isaac would bless him? So Rebekah conspired with her
favored son, Jacob, to make the stew, plotting to get Jacob the blessing
instead. Of course, the scheme worked and Isaac blessed Jacob – but oh,
the consequences!

The consequences. Gen 27:41-45:” Now Esau hated Jacob because of the
blessing with which his father had blessed him, and Esau said to himself,
“The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my
brother Jacob.” 42 But the words of Esau her older son were told to Rebekah.
So she sent and called Jacob her younger son and said to him, “Behold,
your brother Esau comforts himself about you by planning to kill you. 43
Now therefore, my son, obey my voice. Arise, flee to Laban my brother in
Haran 44 and stay with him a while, until your brother’s fury turns away— 45
until your brother’s anger turns away from you, and he forgets what you
have done to him. Then I will send and bring you from there. Why should I
be bereft of you both in one day?” That was the last time Rebekah ever saw
her beloved son. God did not need Rebekah’s help to get Jacob the blessing.
Manipulation is always unnecessary to one who is trusting God.

6
Manipulation can come in many ways – scheming to misrepresent,
withholding some pertinent information, even the withholding of sexual
favors. It all shows disrespect not only for a husband for God as well.
Jesus said, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than
this comes from evil.” Don’t manipulate.

E. Don’t compare

Paul warns against comparing people against others in II Cor 10:12 when he
says, “But when they measure themselves by one another and compare
themselves with one another, they are without understanding. Comparing
one person against another is a fool’s errand -- devastatingly disrespectful.
Joanne Woodward was once asked who she would like to be with if she
were shipwrecked on a deserted island. “Robert Redford,” was her
immediate and enthusiastic reply. Great answer, right? To everyone except
perhaps Paul Newman, her husband. Paul Newman! It seems that no
matter how good we have it, we are always looking for something better.
And God says that shows a lack of understanding.

A lecturer asked her audience, “Who is wiser than Ann Landers, more
controversial than Jerry Springer, wittier than Jerry Seinfeld, and
handsomer than Tom Cruise?” From the audience came a forlorn voice:
“My wife’s first husband!” We always see perfection elsewhere. But your
husband needs to know that he is No. One in your heart whether he looks
like Tom Cruise or not – whether he is a spiritual as Billy Graham or not –
whether he makes as much money as Donald Trump or not, whether he can
fix the wiring or work in the yard or not. To compare him unfavorably is an
act of disrespect. It says to him, “You can never measure up.” And think
about this. If you think he falls short – who married him? Who chose him
in the first place? You only insult yourself when you compare your
husband to others. Major on his positives. Don’t compare.

F. Don’t scold

One more and we are done. Few things are as devastating to a man. Here it
is. Don’t scold. Don’t scold. This comes so naturally to a wife. She’s
around children all the time. She is an expert “corrector.” Scolding is just
one tool for doing so. Naturally when Dad does something wrong, or
perceived wrong, the first reaction of Mom it to scold. You don’t mean it to
degrade. You don’t mean it as anything other than a discussion starter or a
7
suggestion. Often you don’t. But I guarantee your husband will hear it as,
“She thinks I’m a child, and now she’s talking to me like one.” We joke
about this, but believe me few things are tougher for a man than to think,
Somehow I am bright enough to run my own business, make an income and
compete in life, yet my wife treats me like a child. Ladies – that is what is
going on in your husband’s head.

You are just trying to fix something, but your words reduce him to a child.
He may be acting childishly – but it is disrespectful to speak in such a way
to one’s spouse. You have the power to elevate, not denigrate. It is
disobedient to God and diminishing to him to misuse that power.. Nothing
good can possibly come of it – even if you are right. Do you see? You can
be ever so right, and still be wrong.

A tourist was spending the night in a small New England town. After
walking around for three minutes and seeing all the sights, he found that the
general store was open. Seated comfortably around a stove were four men.
They seemed to be lost in reverie, just rocking back and forth. When ten
minutes had gone by, the tourist asked, “Is there a law against talking in
this town?” One of the men said, “Nope. But we have an understanding.
Nobody speaks unless he’s darn sure it can improve on silence!” My
advice, wives, don’t ever use the same tone of voice on your husband as
you would on a child. Never! Better to hold your peace. That is one thing
that can never improve on silence. You can win a battle; you can cause
hurt, but you will lose the war. And don’t forget, little ears are hearing as
well, and they are learning, “Dad must not be very smart. Mom talks to
him the same way she talks to me.” Don’t scold.

Conclusion

So, wives, how many men would it take to meet the expectations that you
may not even be aware you are imposing. Can you ease up by practicing
some of the “don’t’s” of respect. Don’t act independently, don’t criticize,
don’t belittle, don’t manipulate, don’t compare and don’t scold or lecture.
Counselor and psychologist, William Harley in his insightful book, His
Needs, Her Needs, contends that when a woman tells a man she thinks he is
wonderful, she inspires him to achieve more. Wives just forget to do that
starting somewhere in the relationship. Somehow, as a relationship reaches
for permanency, attention slowly but ever so surely shifts from his many
positive attributes to the three or four that are negative from your
8
perspective. Concern for those begins to cloud everything. Before long,
you think of him only in negative terms. It’s time to shift back!

Harley goes on, “Admiration not only motivates, it also rewards the
husband’s existing achievements. When she tells him that she
appreciates him for what he has done, it gives him more satisfaction than
he receives from his paycheck. A woman needs to appreciate her
husband for what he already is, not for what he could become if he lived
up to her standards. . . . While criticism causes men to become defensive,
admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects – and needs –
his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan. He draws confidence from her
support and can usually achieve far more with her encouragement. It
may be hard for most wives to believe they have that much power in their
hands, but they do. God said it all a little more simply, “let the wife see that
she respects her husband.” Let’s pray.